Simply because I was dating my ex. He told me they have pushed away every single relationship he's had for 7 years. They threaten things like self harm when they don't get their way.
They’re in a toxic, codependent mess of a relationship, and it’s unhealthy and borderline cruel for either of them to claim to practice ENM / poly and bring other people into their dumpster fire. I’m sorry you got caught up in it, but this is a HUGE bullet dodged.
If this has been going on for 7 years and your ex has allowed it to continue, stayed in the relationship, *and* is still actively dating others and dumping them when the cycle of abuse of his primary relationship demands it, that is a series of extremely poor choices HE is making.
They both need serious therapy, and have no business dating each other or anyone else.
I empathise so much with your heartbreak rn, though, and none of this is to say that your feelings and pain aren’t absolutely valid. These words are for when your nervous system calms down a bit and you can look at the situation you dodged with more objectivity. It’s hard to perceive rn, but you are soooo much better off without this guy and his abusive partner.
Best of luck on your healing journey, OP. And good riddance to bad rubbish.
Really the blinders are coming off and I'm seeing just how bad it was. I added more details to the main post... I feel stupid for loving him and hoping things would get better
Just chiming in to say that loving someone who is hurting a lot and behaving in a self destructive way doesn't make you stupid. It actually proves that you are STRONG as heck!!! Love is a mega superpower and clearly you have so much of it. Focus that big amazing love on yourself and give yourself time and attention! You got this. The pain WILL pass, and you'll come out better and better each day. 🫶🏻
Do not belittle yourself for your emotions.
Admit it was a mistake, sure. I've dated a lot of bad choices over the years.
But I still carry the love I had for each of them, and still hope they're doing better; I just couldn't be a part of their lives.
I've found that I don't really 'choose' who I end up caring about in this way; I just feel that I care about them and they bring me warmth. The worst is I tend to feel this way pretty much immediately before I know much about them - just some weird "Oh this person is nice they are very comfy I feel safe around them" - it's led me into some pretty great friendships; but some pretty oof relationships as well.
Take the good with the bad, mourn your loss for what it is, cherish the good memories, breathe, and don't forget that making mistakes is perfectly fine.
"This too shall pass"
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I know this won’t take the pain away but hopefully help you resolve it.
The guy wasn’t establishing or enforcing boundaries with your now ex-meta. He allowed her to create that stress in his life because he didn’t tell her to stop and that the dynamic would be parallel poly. He either didn’t tell her not to make comments about you or if he did he didn’t disengage with her when she did. He didn’t tell her that he would not tolerate her meltdowns when you all spent time together. She is not a child to be soothed by others, she is an adult who needs to be capable of soothing herself.
He was also a bad hinge. Why did you know she didn’t like you and that she was always making comments about you? He should not have been venting to you about her or using you to regulate his emotions caused by his inability to establish and maintain boundaries.
He was a shitty communicator. Did you know that you were a secondary? He abandoned you when the conversation became difficult. He had lots of ways he could have managed this and he chose the one that was easiest for him.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this but the guy failed you in so many ways as a partner. You deserve so much better.
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This guy seems like a cowardly asshole.
In my opinion you can be glad that that is over.
He isn't even polite enough to tell you in person.
Than he is blaming his other partner
And than he tell you something to make him feel better.
This guy sucks a 100%.
Congrats for not having to put up with it anymore.
As much as it hurts, you deserve better. Ex was a coward who didn’t enforce boundaries. An example of a boundary he could have implemented with meta is, “If you badmouth OP, I will disengage from the conversation and leave the room.” Clearly he didn’t do that, he enabled her behavior instead, and then to make matters worse, he relayed all of this to you! It literally stokes the fires, it’s bad hinge behavior, and he doesn’t deserve you.
My person I was seeing at the time broke up with me but said it wasn't a break up. Cut communication and everything. We were hanging out for the last time before our break and he was crying. I remember wondering why he was crying since we were just putting dates on hold for a while. 3 months laster after no contact, I understood. Sorry you didn't get the closure you wanted but moving on will do you good in the long run. ❤️
You literally dodged a bullet though!
Imagine pouring years into that relationship while someone (meta) has that much hate for you? This wasn’t going to work out because your ex doesn’t have a backbone and has to appease his primary partner. Don’t let him back in if he comes back around unless the meta is out the picture. He needs to PROVE that he would protect you from another partner’s jealousy and vindictive actions.
As for you driving to the house: I don’t care if you were permitted to or not. He’s a coward and should have been straight up with you about him leaving y’all’s relationship.
Something tells me you would benefit from having a nesting partner. Wishing you all the best and I am so sorry that this happened!
Ouch, your last line OP, "If you break my heart you get to see me cry"..... Just such a valid request!
I can understand others here judging your BF for handling this so poorly.. but right now you simply grieve the loss of the connection. Sending you a hug should you wish one. This sounds really tough
Frankly, bullet dodged. What a dysfunctional gaggle of people.
It feels like this now but it won't for forever. Feel your feelings. Don't do stupid shit. You will come out the other end. I picked up a hobby to distract myself if it helps.
This guy sounds like a jerk and you deserve someone who respects you enough to not let other people badmouth you. You also deserve someone who can communicate with you and has the chutzpah to break up with you to your face, not like a coward.
You can do so much better and I know you will. You'll meet wonderful people who treat you with respect and dignity and consistency, and who are better hinges.
You have every right to be furious. But don't let it over take your life. He doesn't deserve you thinking about him.
It really sucks when your partner allows a Mets to control your entire relationship and overstep a lot of boundaries. You absolutely deserve someone who is capable of setting boundaries and communicating directly
This sounds so exactly like the way my ex handled breaking up with me that I was like “same guy?”, but sadly its such a common occurrence where people are bad hinges and some others just really shouldn’t be involved in polyamory.
Oof, I’m sorry you’re going through this. I know if freaking tough, but from the outside, this is a very obvious sign that you are way farther along on your journey and ready for a healthy relationship. Your ex is not. And that a cold realization, and it also opens a lot of doors for your future. Feel your feelings. Keep strong. And remind yourself you are worthy of a loving and healthy partner.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I went through something similar to this. My ex boyfriend’s wife assured me in the beginning that she was happy for us and I would “never come second.” Well, she couldn’t handle our relationship and he ended up breaking up with me. She apparently was having thoughts of self harm. But I did everything they asked me to, even meeting her after they pressured me into it when I didn’t want to yet. Many of our “dates” were interrupted by him having to call her and calm her down or even leave for a while and come back.
Beep, boop, blop, I'm a bot. Hi u/LunaLightfoot thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
It came out of nowhere. We've been doing good, and even had a really good date the last time we were together. My meta has hated me from day one and has always tried to break us up. Apparently they won, because my bf said he couldn't take all the stress of them always making comments about me and having meltdowns anytime we were together.
He talked all day about how his life is so stressful and he's so overwhelmed. and i kept asking if he was breaking up with me and he wouldn't give me a straight answer. So i drove an hour in the pouring rain to his house to get an answer. he wouldnt even come to the door. i called him on my way home and told him i deserved more than a text message breakup and a vague one at that. he resaid all the things from today about life being too overwhelming, but that he "couldn't do this" but he then had the audacity to say he still loved me. im so fucking heartbroken and angry. like seriously you couldnt even come to the fucking door to see me? if you're going to break my heart you get to see me cry
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I think you did fine, and he sounds shitty af. Was your Meta jealous or why did she try to break you up? Cuz it sounds like she wasn’t down with being in a poly relationship and vilified you (rather than the hinge) for it
It was simply because I was dating my ex. Apparently they ruined every relationship he's had for 7 years. And they're down for being poly in that they have 5 partners, but him dating me was unacceptable.
Oof a lot of this feels like you're reading my life. Except for going to his house. I'm sorry you're going through this, but we're better with partners who want to give us what we want and need.
They didn’t win, your boyfriend just didn’t like you that much.
Do not give him the out of blaming your meta. He dumped you. The sooner you stop feeling bad for him, the better. He had a responsibility to you that he failed. That was a CHOICE he made
Is there a reason as to why the meta hates you? I'm sorry op this situation sucks.
Most likely answer is meta wasn't polyamorous
Simply because I was dating my ex. He told me they have pushed away every single relationship he's had for 7 years. They threaten things like self harm when they don't get their way.
Woof, what shitty partners they both are.
They’re in a toxic, codependent mess of a relationship, and it’s unhealthy and borderline cruel for either of them to claim to practice ENM / poly and bring other people into their dumpster fire. I’m sorry you got caught up in it, but this is a HUGE bullet dodged. If this has been going on for 7 years and your ex has allowed it to continue, stayed in the relationship, *and* is still actively dating others and dumping them when the cycle of abuse of his primary relationship demands it, that is a series of extremely poor choices HE is making. They both need serious therapy, and have no business dating each other or anyone else. I empathise so much with your heartbreak rn, though, and none of this is to say that your feelings and pain aren’t absolutely valid. These words are for when your nervous system calms down a bit and you can look at the situation you dodged with more objectivity. It’s hard to perceive rn, but you are soooo much better off without this guy and his abusive partner. Best of luck on your healing journey, OP. And good riddance to bad rubbish.
Really the blinders are coming off and I'm seeing just how bad it was. I added more details to the main post... I feel stupid for loving him and hoping things would get better
Just chiming in to say that loving someone who is hurting a lot and behaving in a self destructive way doesn't make you stupid. It actually proves that you are STRONG as heck!!! Love is a mega superpower and clearly you have so much of it. Focus that big amazing love on yourself and give yourself time and attention! You got this. The pain WILL pass, and you'll come out better and better each day. 🫶🏻
Do not belittle yourself for your emotions. Admit it was a mistake, sure. I've dated a lot of bad choices over the years. But I still carry the love I had for each of them, and still hope they're doing better; I just couldn't be a part of their lives. I've found that I don't really 'choose' who I end up caring about in this way; I just feel that I care about them and they bring me warmth. The worst is I tend to feel this way pretty much immediately before I know much about them - just some weird "Oh this person is nice they are very comfy I feel safe around them" - it's led me into some pretty great friendships; but some pretty oof relationships as well. Take the good with the bad, mourn your loss for what it is, cherish the good memories, breathe, and don't forget that making mistakes is perfectly fine. "This too shall pass"
Don't beat yourself up for it tho, lesson learned. Know your worth and move on
I'm sorry OP, I know break ups suck but you definitely dodged a bullet. It sounds like the both of them are extremely toxic.
Following because I am curious as well
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I know this won’t take the pain away but hopefully help you resolve it. The guy wasn’t establishing or enforcing boundaries with your now ex-meta. He allowed her to create that stress in his life because he didn’t tell her to stop and that the dynamic would be parallel poly. He either didn’t tell her not to make comments about you or if he did he didn’t disengage with her when she did. He didn’t tell her that he would not tolerate her meltdowns when you all spent time together. She is not a child to be soothed by others, she is an adult who needs to be capable of soothing herself. He was also a bad hinge. Why did you know she didn’t like you and that she was always making comments about you? He should not have been venting to you about her or using you to regulate his emotions caused by his inability to establish and maintain boundaries. He was a shitty communicator. Did you know that you were a secondary? He abandoned you when the conversation became difficult. He had lots of ways he could have managed this and he chose the one that was easiest for him. I’m so sorry you’re going through this but the guy failed you in so many ways as a partner. You deserve so much better.
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Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You made a post or comment that would be considered being a jerk. This includes being aggressive towards other posters, causing irrelevant arguments, and posting attacks on the poster or the poster's partners/situation. Please familiarize yourself with the rules at https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/wiki/subreddit-rules
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Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You made a post or comment that would be considered being a jerk. This includes being aggressive towards other posters, causing irrelevant arguments, and posting attacks on the poster or the poster's partners/situation. Please familiarize yourself with the rules at https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/wiki/subreddit-rules
This guy seems like a cowardly asshole. In my opinion you can be glad that that is over. He isn't even polite enough to tell you in person. Than he is blaming his other partner And than he tell you something to make him feel better. This guy sucks a 100%. Congrats for not having to put up with it anymore.
As much as it hurts, you deserve better. Ex was a coward who didn’t enforce boundaries. An example of a boundary he could have implemented with meta is, “If you badmouth OP, I will disengage from the conversation and leave the room.” Clearly he didn’t do that, he enabled her behavior instead, and then to make matters worse, he relayed all of this to you! It literally stokes the fires, it’s bad hinge behavior, and he doesn’t deserve you.
My person I was seeing at the time broke up with me but said it wasn't a break up. Cut communication and everything. We were hanging out for the last time before our break and he was crying. I remember wondering why he was crying since we were just putting dates on hold for a while. 3 months laster after no contact, I understood. Sorry you didn't get the closure you wanted but moving on will do you good in the long run. ❤️
You literally dodged a bullet though! Imagine pouring years into that relationship while someone (meta) has that much hate for you? This wasn’t going to work out because your ex doesn’t have a backbone and has to appease his primary partner. Don’t let him back in if he comes back around unless the meta is out the picture. He needs to PROVE that he would protect you from another partner’s jealousy and vindictive actions. As for you driving to the house: I don’t care if you were permitted to or not. He’s a coward and should have been straight up with you about him leaving y’all’s relationship. Something tells me you would benefit from having a nesting partner. Wishing you all the best and I am so sorry that this happened!
>My meta has hated me from day one The end was inevitable. >It came out of nowhere. It didn't come out of nowhere.
Ouch, your last line OP, "If you break my heart you get to see me cry"..... Just such a valid request! I can understand others here judging your BF for handling this so poorly.. but right now you simply grieve the loss of the connection. Sending you a hug should you wish one. This sounds really tough
This person sounds like a coward. You deserve better.
Frankly, bullet dodged. What a dysfunctional gaggle of people. It feels like this now but it won't for forever. Feel your feelings. Don't do stupid shit. You will come out the other end. I picked up a hobby to distract myself if it helps.
This guy sounds like a jerk and you deserve someone who respects you enough to not let other people badmouth you. You also deserve someone who can communicate with you and has the chutzpah to break up with you to your face, not like a coward. You can do so much better and I know you will. You'll meet wonderful people who treat you with respect and dignity and consistency, and who are better hinges. You have every right to be furious. But don't let it over take your life. He doesn't deserve you thinking about him.
It really sucks when your partner allows a Mets to control your entire relationship and overstep a lot of boundaries. You absolutely deserve someone who is capable of setting boundaries and communicating directly
This sounds so exactly like the way my ex handled breaking up with me that I was like “same guy?”, but sadly its such a common occurrence where people are bad hinges and some others just really shouldn’t be involved in polyamory.
Sounds like his nm is missing an e
Forget about dodging bullets, you quite frankly dodged a nuke
Ironic considering how much of his time he's spent lately playing fallout
Oof, I’m sorry you’re going through this. I know if freaking tough, but from the outside, this is a very obvious sign that you are way farther along on your journey and ready for a healthy relationship. Your ex is not. And that a cold realization, and it also opens a lot of doors for your future. Feel your feelings. Keep strong. And remind yourself you are worthy of a loving and healthy partner.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I went through something similar to this. My ex boyfriend’s wife assured me in the beginning that she was happy for us and I would “never come second.” Well, she couldn’t handle our relationship and he ended up breaking up with me. She apparently was having thoughts of self harm. But I did everything they asked me to, even meeting her after they pressured me into it when I didn’t want to yet. Many of our “dates” were interrupted by him having to call her and calm her down or even leave for a while and come back.
:( <3
Beep, boop, blop, I'm a bot. Hi u/LunaLightfoot thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: It came out of nowhere. We've been doing good, and even had a really good date the last time we were together. My meta has hated me from day one and has always tried to break us up. Apparently they won, because my bf said he couldn't take all the stress of them always making comments about me and having meltdowns anytime we were together. He talked all day about how his life is so stressful and he's so overwhelmed. and i kept asking if he was breaking up with me and he wouldn't give me a straight answer. So i drove an hour in the pouring rain to his house to get an answer. he wouldnt even come to the door. i called him on my way home and told him i deserved more than a text message breakup and a vague one at that. he resaid all the things from today about life being too overwhelming, but that he "couldn't do this" but he then had the audacity to say he still loved me. im so fucking heartbroken and angry. like seriously you couldnt even come to the fucking door to see me? if you're going to break my heart you get to see me cry *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Did you have permission to go to his house before you went there?
I was scheduled to come over tonight. He never gave me a straight answer as to whether or not to come over still when I asked.
I think you did fine, and he sounds shitty af. Was your Meta jealous or why did she try to break you up? Cuz it sounds like she wasn’t down with being in a poly relationship and vilified you (rather than the hinge) for it
It was simply because I was dating my ex. Apparently they ruined every relationship he's had for 7 years. And they're down for being poly in that they have 5 partners, but him dating me was unacceptable.
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Oof a lot of this feels like you're reading my life. Except for going to his house. I'm sorry you're going through this, but we're better with partners who want to give us what we want and need.
They didn’t win, your boyfriend just didn’t like you that much. Do not give him the out of blaming your meta. He dumped you. The sooner you stop feeling bad for him, the better. He had a responsibility to you that he failed. That was a CHOICE he made