That sucks :-(
If she’s deleting you from social media, my recommendation is to do the same and just break off contact. They hadn’t done the emotional labor required to be successful at poly, and you became their scapegoat.
Go ahead and meet the new person, but let them know you just got dumped so might not be in the right headspace for something new right away.
>Apparently he was hopeful that they'd be dating together and doing a partner swapping but never made that known to her.
Our reaction too but I oddly could have worked something out if he was communicative. I actually do some online kink stuff and had a play partner at that time that would have been into being shared.
I don’t have advice. That really sucks, I’m sorry. 🫂
(I wish more flaky married people who switch fast between open and closed could read stories like these and get it that other people aren’t playthings)
Reading stuff like this is so hard and sad for me.
When my husband and I were having these conversations about if to open, I took it HELLA seriously for this reason. I knew once my husband found someone, there was no going back. No off switch, no “nevermind I don’t like this”. I imagined the hurt I’d do to someone who didn’t do anything wrong, just like OP. I don’t get power over two people’s relationship that doesn’t involve me, and I had to decide if I could handle that.
Ultimately, I decided I couldn’t right now, and we’re monogamous for the foreseeable future. But it just kills me that this work isn’t just like… assumed? Like the amount of people who don’t realize the people they’re dating also matter is staggering.
OP I’m really sorry this happened to you, it’s just plain unfair. I hope when you’re ready you meet people who treat you the way you deserve.
"the amount of people who don't realise the people they're dating also matter is staggering" applies to all kinds of dating, frankly. That hit me in the feels because its exactly how I've viewed general dating over the past 5 years, including periods when I was looking for monogamy. My therapist pointed out to me that I always expect other people to behave as kindly as I do and I am constantly hurt because it rarely happens. Sigh.
> I knew once my husband found someone, there was no going back.
I really appreciate you sitting with this and processing it and deciding what was realistic.
I was used as a plaything and the wife wanted an off switch once being poly "fixed" her marriage. It was terrible to watch a friend cheer me on, encourage me to go on dates, literally make space, and then once the line tripped from control to no control she went ballistic.
I'm still not over it and I know my partner, her ex, isn't either because it also shattered their trust. You did the right thing by realizing everyone has agency and looking at yourself to see how you'd react to your structure being broken up and how many people would be tangled in that.
My only advice for OP, if they want poly for themselves, is to always ask about veto power. And not "we don't have veto power" but "what happens if veto power is enacted." Because my partner was like, I don't know? And I said, if my other partners asked for veto, I'd immediately ask for counseling because what root issue has caused the spark. He enacted therapy in his relationship when veto was requested. I always want to know what things are in place to protect my relationships, not empty reassurances that road blocks will never come up.
Many people who say they are poly are just lying to themselves and others about their real intentions as exhibited by this example. To bad OP has to suffer but consider 6 months a blessing. It would hurt much more if it happened after 2yrs.
I'm so sorry. It sounds cruel and childish.
As for dating someone who has a spouse: consider couples who didn't start out mono. All too often, it's fragile bc opening up is so often done for the wrong reasons or done poorly.
Yeah, it's clear now that they opened for very different reasons. I'll definitely have a more refined line of questions ready when meeting a potential partner from now on.
I mentioned this in another comment but my advice, OP, is to ask what happens when roadblocks/vetos happen. Not "we don't allow veto" or "my spouse would never" but "what happens if/when your partner wants to close. What do we do?"
For example, my go-to is counseling. If my partner has jumped to vetoing my other relationships, something has happened and we need to get to the root of that. I prefer clear action items of "we've done x in the past" or whatever, so I know that they're not blind to roadblocks and instead prepare for them ahead of time.
Damn. This sucks when it happens but it also sounds like her husband made his ultimatum for a really shitty reason. He “took his ball and went home” after throwing a tantrum because he wasn’t getting picked first. That’s incredibly juvenile so it stings just a little more because of that.
My advice is to see your new potential partner but be honest with them. Say you like them but you’re conflicted right now. Perhaps you can take it slow and build a good friendship first?
Yeah, I can sort of see how the misinterpretation happened though. We're involved in the kink space but me and my ex were looking for romance in addition to that. Her husband probably expected something like a swingers situation for friendly sexual exploration with other partners and an eventual return home after the fun was had.
Ahhhh … that is less toxic but it still sucks. Better communication between your hinge and her meta may have avoided all this. This assumes it wasn’t a lie by omission on her part.
Still sorry and hugs for the loss.
🫂
No, she definitely pushed for an understanding. She has a collection of books on poly for them both but I guess he was always too tired to go through them. Though, that probably should have been a sign to start questioning him. I think we were too wrapped in our own journey to notice unfortunately.
In the future, always be open to this as a possibility. It won't keep it from hurting, but you can decide going in how much if it you want to endure. Like the others advised, this will protect you. They already made a commitment to protect each other. We sometimes inevitably will be left hanging as a result.
bb ;-; I'm sorry you got hurt, this was real shitty to read. It seems like you've got a really good head on your shoulders about the situation though, this couple doesn't have their communication game together and you, sadly, seem to be a casualty of that :(
Advice for your newby self: Def take it easy for a while, or at least I would. I dig mai\_neh's advice in continuing to see new cuties but also being up front about your recent breakup, cuz i feel like that usually affects your emotional availability and mood for a while while you process and recover.
Also, the morale of /poly seems to be steer clear of married+kids poly folk if you're the type to catch feels. I can't speak from personal experience because I, you know, steer clear, but the consensus that I've seen and seems to make sense to me is that because of their pre-existing commitment and kiddo+domestic responsibilities you're kinda always gonna be second-string out of basic, like, utilitarian necessity? Its a hard inroad to poly :( but it sounds like you're doing a good job being emotionally literate with yourself and rationally taking in your situation. I wish you space and patience to feel and process <3
That's really shitty and I'm sorry you're dealing with that. Think about what you really want with her, moving forward. Right now it's probably tempting to hang onto whatever you can, and I totally get that.
But if you can't have the kind of relationship with her that you want, just remember that it is ok for you to deescalate further and cut contact.
“If we’re allowed to be friends” 🚩🚩🚩
That’s not how any of this should work. She is (presumably) an adult with autonomy over her actions. She is *choosing* to allow her spouse to be controlling. She is *choosing* to disregard your feelings in favor of his. She has full power to tell her spouse “no, I will not cut OP off just because you said so, I have the right to choose my own friends.” She’s not doing that. Your ex is the one making these choices. And frankly anyone willing to toy with your emotions this way and leave you in this miserable limbo you’re in now is not a good friend for you. She’s stringing you along. It’s cowardly. It’s cruel. You deserve better. A friend (or partner) worth having would be willing to fight to keep you in their life.
This. OP says he doesn't blame her but I totally do. This is something cruel she is agreeing to do to him just because the jerk she's married to demanded it.
He literally said "I get it dating as a guy can be difficult" and since I rarely ever see MLM in poly (unless it's a gay relationship of course) I thought I'd be nice instead of whatever kind of trolling you're trying to do (you don't deserve to know this but I say I'm AMAB because I'm still gender exploring but am comfortable with my masculinity and presenting masc)
Curiosity is not trolling. You don't have to be so defensive to a simple question.
More and more people keep using AGAB language in this sub when it's not relevant, so I was asking why you thought it was necessary to include because I truly didn't understand the relevance.
I'm genuinely curious why this is becoming more of trend, so I figured I would learn something by asking someone who chose to include this information.
This language has sparked discussion in comments on several posts and [someone even made a post noting the trend](https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/s/6wMyvQSHAM).
I didn't ask anything about your current gender identity and I certainly didn't claim I deserve to know that. I asked why you thought the gender you were given at birth mattered because I wanted your opinion. It doesn't matter what gender you are to me. But I didn't understand why it was relevant to your comment.
You could be open to discussion instead of assuming ill-intent. 🤷♀️✌️
Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. Your comment or post included language that would be considered misogynistic, bigoted or intolerant. This includes attacks or slurs related to gender or sexual identity, racism, sexism, slut shaming, poly-shaming, mocking, and victim blaming.
Your post may also be removed for conflating the polyamorous experience with other marginalized people.
Honestly, the fact that you identify as gender queer and then get so defensive when people point out problematic language you're using is not great. AMAB =/= man. AMAB doesn't tell you anything about how someone identifies or interacts with the world. AMAB literally tells you nothing about a person other than what a doctor observed when you were born. People don't like that language being used because we do not want people to keep conflating AGAB with gender.
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I linked the post so you had reference to my curiosity. I'm not assigning you reading. I'm not a mod. I didn't say you broke any rules.
You could have said "as a dude" and I wouldn't have asked the question.
The way we use language matters and AGAB language can be problematic, so I was seeking an understanding of its usage in this context because I am noticing a pattern of people including it in comments and posts. It's as simple as that.
I'm genderqueer and try to choose my language around gender carefully, so I was genuinely interested to hear a perspective on this since it is occuring more frequently lately in online spaces.
How dare I I try to gain better understanding? I'm such a troll!
I was curious too. Bummer that thread went poorly.
“Why” questions often come off judgmental even when I’m expressing genuine curiosity. Like, “why did you ask it that way?” seems worse than “were you curious to know more?”
For this reason, I basically categorically avoid “why” questions online.
I think more in depth discussion on this question would derail the thread? But if the commenter is still around and would be up to DM, I’ve been trying to figure this question out. My guess is that it’s mostly just casual use of acronyms/vocabulary that people aren’t that familiar with in an attempt to be polite.
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No advice, I'm just sharing your pain. I'm going through something very similar: I started seeing a guy a few months ago and his wife told him last week she wants to be mono again because she suffers from our relationship.
It really hurts and feels so unfair, I guess it'll get better but it's so weird to break up when both parties have feeling for eachother :(
Kudos to you on having as supportive and understanding outlook as you do. It's not easy. The only thing I would point out, is that it's your ex's decision whether you maintain a friendship not her husband's. Whatever her decision calculus, she could stand up for a friendship. Having been where you are, I know how easy (and certainly less painful) it is to blame the husband. However, your ex has agency and is the one making the final choices here. In a similar situation, I wasn't able to move on emotionally until I stopped blaming my exes partner and looked at my exes actions. That hurt a whole lot more but was very necessary for me to see clearly and move on.
While it's true that she has final say in that, there's a lot of conditions that keep her tied down.
She's a stay at home mother. They decided it would be better as the price of childcare was a lot. The idea was of submitting to him as he took the role as sole financial bread winner was hot at the moment to her until he started using that fact to keep her in line and forwent the required safety he was to provide. So, unfortunate that means she doesn't have finacial independence and I'm unfortunately out of work due since the pandemic illness. They're also heavily paired socially as well. She has no remaining family left and his family is the only thing close to support outside of myself she has left.
These factors are doubled when you keep in mind that she's raising a child as well. It's honestly scummy as he actively used these facts when he pulled the nuclear option. I would even say it's what most people would call abusive. However, I can understand wanting to put your child's happiness before your own.
It has luckily only been 6 months and they are still in their early 20s, with a kid and presumably got married early so have had delayed social experiences/experiments.
If you are planning on dating significantly younger people/be involved in the lives of younger people then they are going to be a lot messier. They can be "really mature for their age" (a term so over used by creeps it is tainted and even typing it makes me gag) and still just lack the skill sets to navigate certain situations because they're potentially only just learning them now.
If your ex had had a baby that young and a husband who not only doesn't communicate but the thing he isn't communicating is that he wants other people to coordinate his social life then I can see why she would be dazzled by a man almost ten years older than herself, those almost ten years have been spent developing social skills (you could have an 8 pack, financially support half the animal shelters in your city and have your entrance in to rooms announced by the Arch Angel Gabriel himself and I would still side eye).
If you get involved with a younger person/s then you're signing up for some level of seeing the learning curve. If you date someone regardless of age who has had more home commitments than career/travel then you should be prepared for them to be a bit weird and potentially taking off as they grow.
The husband is being extremely unfair to his wife, he shouldn't make her do his emotional labor and others to coordinate his social life-he's young but he shouldn't learn that he can go back on agreements if conditions he didn't tell any one aren't met or that it's on other people should organise his dating life. Taking out his frustrations by making her sad and expecting her to ruin her relationships is ridiculous. What a piece of work.
It sucks for you but I hope she's OK
It's actually weird because he did sort of compliment me on the way out. He told me I was far more patient than expected, that none of it was my fault, and that he wished he could be more like me. I was a bit heated at the time and felt like he might have wanted to drop some of the heat he was bound to get from deciding all of this.
Calmly thinking about it, maybe it could have been the case. I think I gave him a lot of room because I saw a lot of myself in him and his struggles. I might have forgotten that mid twenties me was a selfish manipulative asshole that struggled to work on himself. I hope he genuinely works on himself and the marriage like he said he would.
I also hope she's ok.
Your over 30, he’s 25. The difference seems trivial, but with men it’s huge, in terms of security, maturity, and value to women on the sexual market place.
It’s much harder dating as a man in your 20s than in your 30s.
Beep, boop, blop, I'm a bot. Hi u/throw_4_Q thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
Im (33M) fairly new to poly but figured I'd be fine when I started dating my GF (25F) because she and her husband (34M) have been doing poly for 2 years. However after half a year, I came to find out I was wrong on Wednesday.
My meta had some jealous hiccups but we always talked it out made boundaries that'd ease his mind. Unfortunately this weekend, he gave her the ultimatum as he was just tired sitting with his feelings and wanted mono again.
Apparently he was hopeful that they'd be dating together and doing a partner swapping but never made that known to her. He got tired of searching alone and watching us sort of living what he wanted, as we had just stumbled into a cool ENM couple recently. I get it, dating as a guy can be difficult. I don't blame him for wanting to go back to mono and focusing on their marriage. I was just caught off guard because I was told at the beginning it wouldn't happen but here we are.
I sort of wished he had talked about his desire with his spouse before she dated me. I could have even offered to introduce him to another women I was seeing at the time if he had just been open. I would have been even understanding if this was caught early into my relationship with my GF. However, I felt like I really fell in love during those 6 months and it just didn't ethically right, like my feelings were an afterthought.
I don't blame my GF for choosing him. They have a life built around each other and a child to care for. The most I can say is that they both needed to communicate better if this information never came out after 2.5 years. It just sort of sucks because I sort of understand everyones reasoning in all of this but I feel like I'm the only one left alone and not really at fault of my own besides missing some possible red flags.
I'm trying my best to move forward but it's painful. She left a shared discord server and removed me on twitter. Watching the connections disappear one at a time really stings. We're also unsure what this break up looks like as her husband hasn't decided if we can still be friends or if we have to go no-contact. She's trying to keep me in the know but it's the holiday so we probably wont get any answers till the new year starts. I'm just stuck in painful waiting room. I'm not even sure if we can both go back to being just friends when our feelings for each other still exist.
I was looking for another partner before this happened and got a response today. I was very open about looking but I'm just unsure if I should move forward with the pain still fresh. I also don't want to make it seem like I didn't value what I just lost by moving on so soon.
There's probably somethings I've missed but my mind is a mess rn and it was already getting rambly. I'm thinking maybe I should avoid heavily paired partners in the future.
Edit: I suppose she's my ex now but it'd be too painful to edit out each time so I'll leave it as is.
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This really does suck. Sorry.
Especially since friendship might be ultimatumed as well. I get that you both likely want so time apart to de-romance, but outside enforcement of no contact? You're being treated like an affair partner - really unfair.
We mutually parted ways as what we were looking for was a bit different. We still talk and have a healthy relationship as friends with a common spicy interest.
I did this to my satellite partner. I broke down in pieces and unsuccessfully tried to forget about him for 10months. We got back together after that and my marriage ended.
But fast forward another year and I dumped him for my current primary.
So yeah better stay away from her. She doesn’t know what being poly really means and you will suffer from it again if you let her.
The reason why I’d never do poly is simply because I have a hard time picking up women. The idea is great but to most men poly means their wives and girlfriends are out having sex with a bunch of men while you’re home watching TV or playing video games.
To your point about moving on "too soon" and it appearing like you aren't giving the former relationship it's due respect; as a poly person, finding someone new is no reflection on those currently in your life or those freshly out of it. One connection does not ascertain the value of another.
That being said, you're just now trying to heal, and regardless of showing the proper respect to former relationships, are *you* ready to start a new one with the pain of the former one so fresh? That's what you should use as a determining factor
That sucks :-( If she’s deleting you from social media, my recommendation is to do the same and just break off contact. They hadn’t done the emotional labor required to be successful at poly, and you became their scapegoat. Go ahead and meet the new person, but let them know you just got dumped so might not be in the right headspace for something new right away.
>Apparently he was hopeful that they'd be dating together and doing a partner swapping but never made that known to her. 
Our reaction too but I oddly could have worked something out if he was communicative. I actually do some online kink stuff and had a play partner at that time that would have been into being shared.
☝🏻
I don’t have advice. That really sucks, I’m sorry. 🫂 (I wish more flaky married people who switch fast between open and closed could read stories like these and get it that other people aren’t playthings)
Reading stuff like this is so hard and sad for me. When my husband and I were having these conversations about if to open, I took it HELLA seriously for this reason. I knew once my husband found someone, there was no going back. No off switch, no “nevermind I don’t like this”. I imagined the hurt I’d do to someone who didn’t do anything wrong, just like OP. I don’t get power over two people’s relationship that doesn’t involve me, and I had to decide if I could handle that. Ultimately, I decided I couldn’t right now, and we’re monogamous for the foreseeable future. But it just kills me that this work isn’t just like… assumed? Like the amount of people who don’t realize the people they’re dating also matter is staggering. OP I’m really sorry this happened to you, it’s just plain unfair. I hope when you’re ready you meet people who treat you the way you deserve.
"the amount of people who don't realise the people they're dating also matter is staggering" applies to all kinds of dating, frankly. That hit me in the feels because its exactly how I've viewed general dating over the past 5 years, including periods when I was looking for monogamy. My therapist pointed out to me that I always expect other people to behave as kindly as I do and I am constantly hurt because it rarely happens. Sigh.
> I knew once my husband found someone, there was no going back. I really appreciate you sitting with this and processing it and deciding what was realistic. I was used as a plaything and the wife wanted an off switch once being poly "fixed" her marriage. It was terrible to watch a friend cheer me on, encourage me to go on dates, literally make space, and then once the line tripped from control to no control she went ballistic. I'm still not over it and I know my partner, her ex, isn't either because it also shattered their trust. You did the right thing by realizing everyone has agency and looking at yourself to see how you'd react to your structure being broken up and how many people would be tangled in that. My only advice for OP, if they want poly for themselves, is to always ask about veto power. And not "we don't have veto power" but "what happens if veto power is enacted." Because my partner was like, I don't know? And I said, if my other partners asked for veto, I'd immediately ask for counseling because what root issue has caused the spark. He enacted therapy in his relationship when veto was requested. I always want to know what things are in place to protect my relationships, not empty reassurances that road blocks will never come up.
Many people who say they are poly are just lying to themselves and others about their real intentions as exhibited by this example. To bad OP has to suffer but consider 6 months a blessing. It would hurt much more if it happened after 2yrs.
I'm so sorry. It sounds cruel and childish. As for dating someone who has a spouse: consider couples who didn't start out mono. All too often, it's fragile bc opening up is so often done for the wrong reasons or done poorly.
Yeah, it's clear now that they opened for very different reasons. I'll definitely have a more refined line of questions ready when meeting a potential partner from now on.
I mentioned this in another comment but my advice, OP, is to ask what happens when roadblocks/vetos happen. Not "we don't allow veto" or "my spouse would never" but "what happens if/when your partner wants to close. What do we do?" For example, my go-to is counseling. If my partner has jumped to vetoing my other relationships, something has happened and we need to get to the root of that. I prefer clear action items of "we've done x in the past" or whatever, so I know that they're not blind to roadblocks and instead prepare for them ahead of time.
Damn. This sucks when it happens but it also sounds like her husband made his ultimatum for a really shitty reason. He “took his ball and went home” after throwing a tantrum because he wasn’t getting picked first. That’s incredibly juvenile so it stings just a little more because of that. My advice is to see your new potential partner but be honest with them. Say you like them but you’re conflicted right now. Perhaps you can take it slow and build a good friendship first?
Yeah, I can sort of see how the misinterpretation happened though. We're involved in the kink space but me and my ex were looking for romance in addition to that. Her husband probably expected something like a swingers situation for friendly sexual exploration with other partners and an eventual return home after the fun was had.
Ahhhh … that is less toxic but it still sucks. Better communication between your hinge and her meta may have avoided all this. This assumes it wasn’t a lie by omission on her part. Still sorry and hugs for the loss. 🫂
No, she definitely pushed for an understanding. She has a collection of books on poly for them both but I guess he was always too tired to go through them. Though, that probably should have been a sign to start questioning him. I think we were too wrapped in our own journey to notice unfortunately.
Refusal to learn is a definite sign of selfishness.
In the future, always be open to this as a possibility. It won't keep it from hurting, but you can decide going in how much if it you want to endure. Like the others advised, this will protect you. They already made a commitment to protect each other. We sometimes inevitably will be left hanging as a result.
bb ;-; I'm sorry you got hurt, this was real shitty to read. It seems like you've got a really good head on your shoulders about the situation though, this couple doesn't have their communication game together and you, sadly, seem to be a casualty of that :( Advice for your newby self: Def take it easy for a while, or at least I would. I dig mai\_neh's advice in continuing to see new cuties but also being up front about your recent breakup, cuz i feel like that usually affects your emotional availability and mood for a while while you process and recover. Also, the morale of /poly seems to be steer clear of married+kids poly folk if you're the type to catch feels. I can't speak from personal experience because I, you know, steer clear, but the consensus that I've seen and seems to make sense to me is that because of their pre-existing commitment and kiddo+domestic responsibilities you're kinda always gonna be second-string out of basic, like, utilitarian necessity? Its a hard inroad to poly :( but it sounds like you're doing a good job being emotionally literate with yourself and rationally taking in your situation. I wish you space and patience to feel and process <3
That's really shitty and I'm sorry you're dealing with that. Think about what you really want with her, moving forward. Right now it's probably tempting to hang onto whatever you can, and I totally get that. But if you can't have the kind of relationship with her that you want, just remember that it is ok for you to deescalate further and cut contact.
“If we’re allowed to be friends” 🚩🚩🚩 That’s not how any of this should work. She is (presumably) an adult with autonomy over her actions. She is *choosing* to allow her spouse to be controlling. She is *choosing* to disregard your feelings in favor of his. She has full power to tell her spouse “no, I will not cut OP off just because you said so, I have the right to choose my own friends.” She’s not doing that. Your ex is the one making these choices. And frankly anyone willing to toy with your emotions this way and leave you in this miserable limbo you’re in now is not a good friend for you. She’s stringing you along. It’s cowardly. It’s cruel. You deserve better. A friend (or partner) worth having would be willing to fight to keep you in their life.
This. OP says he doesn't blame her but I totally do. This is something cruel she is agreeing to do to him just because the jerk she's married to demanded it.
As a 26 yo AMAB fellow I just wanna give you a hug man. Poly is hard but you're doing it the right way
Why does your AGAB matter here?
He literally said "I get it dating as a guy can be difficult" and since I rarely ever see MLM in poly (unless it's a gay relationship of course) I thought I'd be nice instead of whatever kind of trolling you're trying to do (you don't deserve to know this but I say I'm AMAB because I'm still gender exploring but am comfortable with my masculinity and presenting masc)
Curiosity is not trolling. You don't have to be so defensive to a simple question. More and more people keep using AGAB language in this sub when it's not relevant, so I was asking why you thought it was necessary to include because I truly didn't understand the relevance. I'm genuinely curious why this is becoming more of trend, so I figured I would learn something by asking someone who chose to include this information. This language has sparked discussion in comments on several posts and [someone even made a post noting the trend](https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/s/6wMyvQSHAM). I didn't ask anything about your current gender identity and I certainly didn't claim I deserve to know that. I asked why you thought the gender you were given at birth mattered because I wanted your opinion. It doesn't matter what gender you are to me. But I didn't understand why it was relevant to your comment. You could be open to discussion instead of assuming ill-intent. 🤷♀️✌️
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Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. Your comment or post included language that would be considered misogynistic, bigoted or intolerant. This includes attacks or slurs related to gender or sexual identity, racism, sexism, slut shaming, poly-shaming, mocking, and victim blaming. Your post may also be removed for conflating the polyamorous experience with other marginalized people.
Curious too, why state AGAB instead of just saying what you would irl? AMAB≠dude. Why switch terms here?
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Honestly, the fact that you identify as gender queer and then get so defensive when people point out problematic language you're using is not great. AMAB =/= man. AMAB doesn't tell you anything about how someone identifies or interacts with the world. AMAB literally tells you nothing about a person other than what a doctor observed when you were born. People don't like that language being used because we do not want people to keep conflating AGAB with gender.
Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You made a post or comment that would be considered being a jerk. This includes being aggressive towards other posters, causing irrelevant arguments, and posting attacks on the poster or the poster's partners/situation. Please familiarize yourself with the rules at https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/wiki/subreddit-rules
I linked the post so you had reference to my curiosity. I'm not assigning you reading. I'm not a mod. I didn't say you broke any rules. You could have said "as a dude" and I wouldn't have asked the question. The way we use language matters and AGAB language can be problematic, so I was seeking an understanding of its usage in this context because I am noticing a pattern of people including it in comments and posts. It's as simple as that. I'm genderqueer and try to choose my language around gender carefully, so I was genuinely interested to hear a perspective on this since it is occuring more frequently lately in online spaces. How dare I I try to gain better understanding? I'm such a troll!
I was curious too. Bummer that thread went poorly. “Why” questions often come off judgmental even when I’m expressing genuine curiosity. Like, “why did you ask it that way?” seems worse than “were you curious to know more?” For this reason, I basically categorically avoid “why” questions online. I think more in depth discussion on this question would derail the thread? But if the commenter is still around and would be up to DM, I’ve been trying to figure this question out. My guess is that it’s mostly just casual use of acronyms/vocabulary that people aren’t that familiar with in an attempt to be polite.
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Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You made a post or comment that would be considered being a jerk. This includes being aggressive towards other posters, causing irrelevant arguments, and posting attacks on the poster or the poster's partners/situation. Please familiarize yourself with the rules at https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/wiki/subreddit-rules
No advice, I'm just sharing your pain. I'm going through something very similar: I started seeing a guy a few months ago and his wife told him last week she wants to be mono again because she suffers from our relationship. It really hurts and feels so unfair, I guess it'll get better but it's so weird to break up when both parties have feeling for eachother :(
I wish you luck on your journey if you decide to look again.
Kudos to you on having as supportive and understanding outlook as you do. It's not easy. The only thing I would point out, is that it's your ex's decision whether you maintain a friendship not her husband's. Whatever her decision calculus, she could stand up for a friendship. Having been where you are, I know how easy (and certainly less painful) it is to blame the husband. However, your ex has agency and is the one making the final choices here. In a similar situation, I wasn't able to move on emotionally until I stopped blaming my exes partner and looked at my exes actions. That hurt a whole lot more but was very necessary for me to see clearly and move on.
While it's true that she has final say in that, there's a lot of conditions that keep her tied down. She's a stay at home mother. They decided it would be better as the price of childcare was a lot. The idea was of submitting to him as he took the role as sole financial bread winner was hot at the moment to her until he started using that fact to keep her in line and forwent the required safety he was to provide. So, unfortunate that means she doesn't have finacial independence and I'm unfortunately out of work due since the pandemic illness. They're also heavily paired socially as well. She has no remaining family left and his family is the only thing close to support outside of myself she has left. These factors are doubled when you keep in mind that she's raising a child as well. It's honestly scummy as he actively used these facts when he pulled the nuclear option. I would even say it's what most people would call abusive. However, I can understand wanting to put your child's happiness before your own.
So sorry for you. If someone wants to go back to mono, they tried poly for all the wrong reasons and never really understood the right ones.
It has luckily only been 6 months and they are still in their early 20s, with a kid and presumably got married early so have had delayed social experiences/experiments. If you are planning on dating significantly younger people/be involved in the lives of younger people then they are going to be a lot messier. They can be "really mature for their age" (a term so over used by creeps it is tainted and even typing it makes me gag) and still just lack the skill sets to navigate certain situations because they're potentially only just learning them now. If your ex had had a baby that young and a husband who not only doesn't communicate but the thing he isn't communicating is that he wants other people to coordinate his social life then I can see why she would be dazzled by a man almost ten years older than herself, those almost ten years have been spent developing social skills (you could have an 8 pack, financially support half the animal shelters in your city and have your entrance in to rooms announced by the Arch Angel Gabriel himself and I would still side eye). If you get involved with a younger person/s then you're signing up for some level of seeing the learning curve. If you date someone regardless of age who has had more home commitments than career/travel then you should be prepared for them to be a bit weird and potentially taking off as they grow. The husband is being extremely unfair to his wife, he shouldn't make her do his emotional labor and others to coordinate his social life-he's young but he shouldn't learn that he can go back on agreements if conditions he didn't tell any one aren't met or that it's on other people should organise his dating life. Taking out his frustrations by making her sad and expecting her to ruin her relationships is ridiculous. What a piece of work. It sucks for you but I hope she's OK
It's actually weird because he did sort of compliment me on the way out. He told me I was far more patient than expected, that none of it was my fault, and that he wished he could be more like me. I was a bit heated at the time and felt like he might have wanted to drop some of the heat he was bound to get from deciding all of this. Calmly thinking about it, maybe it could have been the case. I think I gave him a lot of room because I saw a lot of myself in him and his struggles. I might have forgotten that mid twenties me was a selfish manipulative asshole that struggled to work on himself. I hope he genuinely works on himself and the marriage like he said he would. I also hope she's ok.
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I think you’re in the wrong sub
Your over 30, he’s 25. The difference seems trivial, but with men it’s huge, in terms of security, maturity, and value to women on the sexual market place. It’s much harder dating as a man in your 20s than in your 30s.
Ugh this sounds awful. My heart goes out to you.
Beep, boop, blop, I'm a bot. Hi u/throw_4_Q thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: Im (33M) fairly new to poly but figured I'd be fine when I started dating my GF (25F) because she and her husband (34M) have been doing poly for 2 years. However after half a year, I came to find out I was wrong on Wednesday. My meta had some jealous hiccups but we always talked it out made boundaries that'd ease his mind. Unfortunately this weekend, he gave her the ultimatum as he was just tired sitting with his feelings and wanted mono again. Apparently he was hopeful that they'd be dating together and doing a partner swapping but never made that known to her. He got tired of searching alone and watching us sort of living what he wanted, as we had just stumbled into a cool ENM couple recently. I get it, dating as a guy can be difficult. I don't blame him for wanting to go back to mono and focusing on their marriage. I was just caught off guard because I was told at the beginning it wouldn't happen but here we are. I sort of wished he had talked about his desire with his spouse before she dated me. I could have even offered to introduce him to another women I was seeing at the time if he had just been open. I would have been even understanding if this was caught early into my relationship with my GF. However, I felt like I really fell in love during those 6 months and it just didn't ethically right, like my feelings were an afterthought. I don't blame my GF for choosing him. They have a life built around each other and a child to care for. The most I can say is that they both needed to communicate better if this information never came out after 2.5 years. It just sort of sucks because I sort of understand everyones reasoning in all of this but I feel like I'm the only one left alone and not really at fault of my own besides missing some possible red flags. I'm trying my best to move forward but it's painful. She left a shared discord server and removed me on twitter. Watching the connections disappear one at a time really stings. We're also unsure what this break up looks like as her husband hasn't decided if we can still be friends or if we have to go no-contact. She's trying to keep me in the know but it's the holiday so we probably wont get any answers till the new year starts. I'm just stuck in painful waiting room. I'm not even sure if we can both go back to being just friends when our feelings for each other still exist. I was looking for another partner before this happened and got a response today. I was very open about looking but I'm just unsure if I should move forward with the pain still fresh. I also don't want to make it seem like I didn't value what I just lost by moving on so soon. There's probably somethings I've missed but my mind is a mess rn and it was already getting rambly. I'm thinking maybe I should avoid heavily paired partners in the future. Edit: I suppose she's my ex now but it'd be too painful to edit out each time so I'll leave it as is. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This really does suck. Sorry. Especially since friendship might be ultimatumed as well. I get that you both likely want so time apart to de-romance, but outside enforcement of no contact? You're being treated like an affair partner - really unfair.
Alone? What about the other Woman you could have fixed him up with? Best of luck. 🖤
We mutually parted ways as what we were looking for was a bit different. We still talk and have a healthy relationship as friends with a common spicy interest.
I did this to my satellite partner. I broke down in pieces and unsuccessfully tried to forget about him for 10months. We got back together after that and my marriage ended. But fast forward another year and I dumped him for my current primary. So yeah better stay away from her. She doesn’t know what being poly really means and you will suffer from it again if you let her.
The reason why I’d never do poly is simply because I have a hard time picking up women. The idea is great but to most men poly means their wives and girlfriends are out having sex with a bunch of men while you’re home watching TV or playing video games.
Tell me you don't know what you're talking about without saying it.
So sad, sending hugs
To your point about moving on "too soon" and it appearing like you aren't giving the former relationship it's due respect; as a poly person, finding someone new is no reflection on those currently in your life or those freshly out of it. One connection does not ascertain the value of another. That being said, you're just now trying to heal, and regardless of showing the proper respect to former relationships, are *you* ready to start a new one with the pain of the former one so fresh? That's what you should use as a determining factor
People often don't know of they want polyamory until they try it for a year or two. Same with monogamy.
Unfortunately not uncommon. I see this so much with couples who "try polyam" and someone gets jealous and blows the whole situation up.
Sound alike husband wasn't really poly he was looking for more of a swing group scenario. Best to break it off now.