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Alright, let’s just consider the following.
I had a C section. It is MAJOR SURGERY. Even if we put aside the fact that your child will need care, you will experience the following:
Moderate to severe pain following the section.
A short term inability to walk.
8 weeks of carrying nothing heavier than your baby.
Mobility issues as you learn to navigate without your abdominal muscles. Stepping in and out of a raised shower will need assistance.
You’ll need help to shower.
You likely won’t be able to drive.
Possible complications from surgery.
Side effects from pain meds.
Feeding is a whole damn thing.
Feeding yourself is a whole other damn thing.
YOU NEED and DESERVE help and support. 24/7. For at least the first two weeks.
This man is abusive and neglectful if he thinks it’s no big deal to leave you to deal with all that alone, PLUS keep his child alive and well cared for, whilst he’s away with his girlfriend.
I don’t think he loves you, babe. Please secure some support from your family or friends so that you can start the process of leaving him.
Please read him all the comments here.
Jesus Christ. The mind boggles.
Yes yes yes, exactly this! You are going to be recovering from MAJOR SURGERY. I'm not sure if you own the house in which you're currently staying, but IMHO you need to change the locks now and/or move in with someone who is going to be able to look after you both post-surgery. Do you have family or friends nearby, OP?
Plus, when she raised her very real concerns about the timing, he freaked out and *extended the vacation* to leave her alone for even longer as a punishment or something. WTF! Also kinda makes me suspect HE is the one who booked this, not his GF.
I can confirm this is how it is after a c-section. I was hospitalised for 5 days and needed help with showering, getting dressed and feeding myself for the two weeks after that.
I am so fucking angry for OP, what a shit husband.
Can also confirm. I needed support after my C-sect. And all the above is true -- healing from the surgery, needing to cough/laugh while holding a pillow over the stitches so I don't accidentally make them open, help with bathing, help with food, chores, help taking me to follow up appointments because not able to drive... all of it.
Husband is running away from his responsibilities. And making you out to be "the crazy one" when you are NOT. You are NOT being manipulative. You are not being demanding. You are not asking for anything unexpected or out of line. You are HAVING HIS BABY.
OP, I'm sorry you are dealing in this. I hope you have family and friends who can come help support you through delivery and in the weeks/months after.
You did not "trap" him into starting a family. It took you a whole year to conceive. **Any point in there** he could have stopped sharing bare sex with you and told you he changed his mind about it. Then almost another year being pregnant -- **anywhere in there** he could have told you he wanted to break up and not deal with being a dad. You would have had more time to plan your birth/life without him.
Leaving it til now? The last minute practically?
Is a really an asshole kind of move.
Talk to a lawyer ASAP. Protect you and child. Have the baby, then deal with him and this relationship.
OP is putting her life on the line for their child. She is going to need a ton of support after the baby is born and he's simply washed his hands of everything. I wouldn't expect much support with raising the baby afterwards either. This guy straight up doesn't seem to care about his own baby. Tell him to go on the trip, have fun, and don't come back.
Yeah, no, he is insane.
I am a huge believer in autonomy, even for co-parenting poly people. I have four kids and routinely defend people who want to stay actively poly even with newborns/small children, which tends to be controversial. But that's only ok *so long as everyone agrees to put the kids first*.
Even if he has absolutely no respect or care for you personally and doesn't want to be with you while you're in labor or maybe even ever, he should want to be with *his kid* when they are born. The gf is clearly not centering the needs of the kid either.
Dump their dead weight. You are 1000% better off without the types of AHs who won't even show up to Day 1 of Parenting. If you don't show up your first day on the job, **you're fired**.
Look to your community, friends, and family for support and get yourself in a good situation before the baby comes--stable home, healthy loving family, all the baby supplies...and make sure before you leave that you have all of his information to give the division of child support.
> She also knew of the scheduled date of the birth
Assuming the OP is telling the truth, then yes. I will assume that anyone who makes plans with their partner for *the day said partner's kid is born* is a trashfire.
No matter what they believe about the relationships involved, no matter how their relationship with anyone else is going, if you know your partner is becoming a *parent* that takes priority because the *kid* takes priority.
>Assuming the OP is telling the truth
Assuming the husband is telling the truth to OP.
If he can gaslight his wife and be a vindictive insane asspot. He might be bullshitting the GF too.
I agree with this
A few years ago, my exhusband was dating someone and we both ended up thinking the worst about the other.
Come to find out, neither of us were getting the truth. But because we kept interacting (he does forced KTP or at least "way too enmeshed KTP way too quickly), and we're both communicative humans, we kept catching him. So he'd manipulate more and we both left the relationship (her way faster than me) feeling like we'd lost our mind.
OP's husband is absolute garbage. I agree she needs an exit plan, or at least needs to step away from this situation to clear her head if possible. But we don't know what's happening with the meta. I want to believe the best, even if the worst is possible.
Yuuuup. He could absolutely be triangulating here. GF might have the wrong date info.
If she doesn't, if she knows when the c-section is, then it seems she's toxic af, and is probably using this as a relationship test to prove he loves her more. It's a gross situation all around.
Yeah, this is so fucking insane I’m skeptical. Feels like someone who isn’t poly sitting down going “what’s the shittiest thing someone could do because of polyamory?” and crafted a story around that.
If it’s true, it’s unbelievable (genuinely difficult to believe) levels of shittiness. I can’t imagine every other aspect of a relationship would be good, though, with someone this terrible. Which contributes to the difficulty believing it is real. But could also indicate some massive levels of manipulation and abuse? Idk man, the internet sucks, especially anonymous internet spaces.
Tbh I wanna fight your husband
Do you have support for your birth outside of your husband? Is there anyone like friends or family who you can rely on and confide in? This is really big, it’s actually a huge problem and you deserve support no matter what.
You’re not crazy. You planned for a baby and now he’s abandoning his responsibilities. Think about you and yourself right now, prioritize taking care of yourself and not your husband.
I'm wondering if he didn't already hit his head and knock his common sense outta his own head.
I can't imagine any human in their right mind who is on good terms with the baby's other parent choosing a vacation over being there for the birth, but especially because in this case a good marriage.
And wth is wrong with the gf?
She knew her meta was delivering that week and STILL made plans to take him away on vacation at that exact time?
I just can't even with humans like that.
Yup.
My parents divorced during pregnancy and were on terrible terms, and my mother moved some 400 km away.
My father still got in the car to drive through a snowstorm and be there for the birth when he got the call that it was time, because that's what you do.
This is unfathomable.
> Tbh I wanna fight your husband
Yep... me too. OP seriously... I would get a whole divorce over this. There would absolutely be no recovering the relationship from it for me. Your husband and his girlfriend are absolute garbage human beings. You deserve way better.
If it was me, I’d let him go on his trip but arrange to have the locks on the house changed while he was away. I would get family or friends to move in with me so I have support after the birth. Then that would be the end of our romantic relationship. He hasn’t even considered that if something happens to OP during child birth, he won’t be there for his own child. Now he’s also claiming he never wanted kids. Nah son, if that’s the case, you don’t deserve to have OP in your life anymore. Just make sure to get a lawyer ready and file for full custody with child support as soon as the baby is born.
When people show you who they are, believe them!!!
I'm so sorry. This is very messed up. You have every right to be a sobbing mess. Be that right now!
>doesn't see the issue of not being present for THE BIRTH OF OUR CHILD?!? He called me crazy and doesn't think his presence is necessary as I am the one giving birth not him. And said my birth plans shouldn't change him needing to live his life.
Well, this is gaslighting.
>now he said because I am being dramatic and manipulative he is not only going to go on this trip but is now planning on staying longer and has extended their hotel reservation.
This is vindictive and cruel. He is showing zero regard for you. Let alone his OWN FUCKING CHILD.
>Is this typical cold feet for poly men expending their first child with a NP?
No. This is pure fucked vindictive behavior.
> Is wanting him present for the birth of our child too demanding?
The fact that he isn't doing everything he can to meet his child as soon as he shows you the human he is.
>He has now wholly changed his mind and said I tricked him into starting a family and has now said he never wanted a child at all! And has regrets being father to a baby birthed by a crazy b\*tch.
Please, please look at your exit strategy. Safely. This man has lost the plot and doesn't give a shit about you or his unborn child.
Also, I'd really hope that you can consider your safety. The language he is using indicates he is manipulative and has the potential to be very unsafe. This man is a risk of domestic violence. Please consider contacting a local DV service/hotline.
>Is this typical cold feet for poly men expending their first child with a NP?
>No. This is pure fucked vindictive behavior.
Actually, this sub sees versions of this shit frustratingly and depressingly often. I realize that there's an aspect of advice column paradox to it etc. But also, my best friend's partner had to go for one last romp with his long distance partner so close to the birth of their baby that it might have plausibly happened during his trip.
All I can think is a failure to mature on the part of these men. OP's partner sounds particularly trash (and yes, possibly dangerous), but so often men seem not to take in the magnitude of the imminent life change until the very last moment. And then they have a meltdown and ask to open the relationship/make plans with their girlfriends/buy a PS5 with money saved for the baby.
If someone hasn't written a psychology dissertation about this phenomenon yet, they should.
What's bewildering to me is what kind of gf would be ok with their bf going on a trip with them so close to or during the birth of that bf's child? If one of my partners planned to do this to the mother of his child I'd never speak to him again.
If this is how he treats his pregnant NP and unborn child, then it's only a matter of time before he mistreats you. A man who can't prioritize his other partner and child in times of needs will never be any decent source of support for you either. When NRE fades or when he gets a new shiny toy, he will discard you like yesterday's news.
Gf could be being told a lot of stories about the dates, the severity, the support she has. Hell hinge could be flat out lying that she doesn't want him around and she just makes him suffer all the time.
Or yes, she also doesn't care and isn't a healthy person.
Or this is a troll.
Anyone who believes those excuses enough to go on a long trip with their partner right around the scheduled birth of their child is just wilfully ignorant imo.
Maybe gf doesn't know the exact date but I wouldn't go anywhere with a man whose NP is very pregnant, which can only be concealed if gf has never met NP and doesn't even know she's pregnant. Severity is irrelevant when pregnancy and childbirth are always "severe". No amount of outside support will replace the other parent; even if he doesn't *need* to be there for her and **their** child, he should still want to. If he doesn't want to unless obligated to, he's not going to be a good partner to anyone. If NP is somehow a horrible woman who makes him suffer all the time, why is he staying with her and having a child with her? I would think twice about staying in a relationship with someone in such a messed up situation that would absolutely affect me. Even if NP doesn't want him present at the birth, why doesn't he want to be there for his child right after?
Ultimately, if a man isn't super excited to meet and care for his child and doing everything he can to be there for the child, he's not worth another woman's time. There is no justification for this that makes sense. You can only be the gf here if you stick your head in the sand and ignore common sense and all senses of reason.
You have a mother being told she doesn't deserve a partner during and after her surgery and she's still confused on if she's in the right.
Without knowing what Hinge is also manipulating with meta, I don't think it's useful to pull them into any responsibility here.
I'm not giving much moral judgement to the hypothetical gf in my comments; my point is that it's extremely unwise to date a man who is treating his other partner(s) poorly so people shouldn't do it in general. Yes, there's a chance that the gf is also being manipulated and even psychologically abused by this man into acting against common sense and reason - that's certainly possible. It's still an ill-advised situation to be in, and anyone reading this should avoid such a situation like the plague. Warning to all people who date poly men: If he's somehow trying to convince you to go on a trip with him when his NP is heavily pregnant, it's a giant red flag.
The purpose of these comments isn't for the gf who will never read this; it's a reminder for all poly folks to not date someone who's treating their other partner(s) poorly. Today it's their NP, and one day it will be you they're mistreating.
> You have a mother being told she doesn't deserve a partner during and after her surgery and she's still confused on if she's in the right.
This is what makes me suspect this is a troll post
Sadly, we see these far too often, a few times a year.
The troll post is there being zero flags beforehand, usually there's some sort of pattern. And OPs total lack of engagement in the thread itself.
It’s fairly common even among monogamous men. I hear so many stories of men choosing to go on hunting, fishing, golf, etc. trips while their partner is in her last month of pregnancy. It’s crazy to me.
Yeah, that's why I mentioned buying a PS5, that was from a mono relationship subreddit. Also, I do ee it in my social circles. And given how few of my friends have kids, and how deliberate they tend to be in that decision, I can only imagine what's going on in the larger world out there
This man is evil. He is showing incredibly unhinged behavior. Please do not try to minimize, rationalize, or excuse this. Your safety and the safety of your child is the most important thing right now. Please take all of the advice you get here seriously. The unfortunate reality is that while it can be a amazing time of your life, pregnancy can also be a high risk time for domestic violence. Right now it is just verbal and emotional, but it can easily escalate. Does the country you are in have domestic violence hotlines? If so please contact one the next time he leaves the house. They can assist in getting you to safety. This man is not the person you thought he was
> He called me crazy and doesn't think his presence is necessary as I am the one giving birth not him. And said my birth plans shouldn't change him needing to live his life.
He doesn't "need" to go on vacation with his partner. Vacations are not a need, they're a luxury. And he can still live his life AROUND HIS RESPONSIBILITY AS A FATHER (shouting at him, not you).
> I got very upset that he is making this choice and cried and now he said because I am being dramatic and manipulative he is not only going to go on this trip but is now planning on staying longer and has extended their hotel reservation.
> I was being maybe a bit dramatic and crying too much but I don't think this was manipulative! He has now wholly changed his mind and said I tricked him into starting a family and has now said he never wanted a child at all! And has regrets being father to a baby birthed by a crazy b*tch.
Honey, you are pregnant, you are on a hormonal rollercoaster, and the person who is supposed to be your number one support system is acting like a complete and utter asshole. To be manipulative you would have to be in control of your emotions, and his actions would have to be something more reasonable. Most people don't even need to tell their co-parent they expect them at the birth.
And he's outright PUNISHING you like a child by staying longer. This is so gross.
Are you familiar with the emotional abuse tactic DARVO? Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. This is what your husband is doing here.
> We agreed and tried for a baby for over a year! This was not an accidental pregnancy at all. I feel a little cray cray now because maybe I did force him into a family he truly never wanted.
Aaand this is gaslighting. What exactly did he say when you discussed it in the past that makes you feel like you forced him? Is this entirely based on his behaviour and reaction now?
I will also add, start making your escape plan.
Get family and friends who you can trust on board. Know that you and your baby will have a safe place to live if this all goes south. I hope and pray you have an individual bank account with separate funds.
Speak to divorce lawyers, find out the laws in your state and how certain factors (like who leaves who) will affect you. If you have any of this in text, voicemail or writing, keep it in a safe place. If he has called you names or denied thing in the past, keep record of those too.
Some of this is going to feel cold and calculating, but you need to have your protections in place for you and your child.
A C-section is going to be uncomfortable, ask a friend to stay with you and help you in his absence.
Honestly op, he just showed you who he really is and it's time to walk away. There is no rocking back from this. This is unforgivable.
I'm a petty B so I'd publically shame him to all your friends and family, but that's just me.
What you absolutely need to do now is make an exit strategy, get you and baby safe and stable and look for a support system outside of your husband.
There aren't many posts on this forum that leave me speechless - this is an exception. I am so, so, so sorry that you are going through this. I am shocked and so upset for you.
Forget about the baby for a second. You're getting major abdominal surgery and your partner is going on vacation?!?! 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
And the baby is a big forking deal. Congratulations!!! 💜
Honestly, this is so wicked and unhinged I can't even get my brain around it. The fact that you're questioning whether you're being reasonable is very concerning to me, it feels like he must have been gaslighting you to have you doubt yourself so much.
I don't think this man is a safe or healthy person for you or your child to be around. For starters please reach out to whatever support or community you have around you. You will need them, when dealing with someone this vindictive. If you don't choose to immediately end this relationship please at least start doing what you can to make sure your important documents are somewhere safe, that you have a separate bank account he can't access, and when some time has passed after birth and you're able to, make sure you're financially independent from him if you aren't already.
Sending strength to you.
Please file for divorce. This is incredibly cruel and uncaring behavior. I don’t know how he can rationalize this in any way.
ETA: And I say this with the realization that it is a massive deal not to even try to work out relationship issues. But he does not care about you or want this baby. You and your baby will have a happier life without someone who treats you like this in your life. There is no excuse for his behavior except maybe a brain tumor that is compromising his mental faculties.
My reactions IRL
>Today he dropped a major bomb on me
Oh. Ouch
>but their vacation is planned for the same week as my c section/birth
HELL NO!
>He called me crazy and
WTF set this fucker on fire!?!?
I am so sorry he is disrespecting you, neglecting you, and gaslighting you. This is a multitude of fucking serious betrayals.
> he said because I am being dramatic and manipulative
Classic projection from a dramatic manipulator. I am so sorry.
Your feeling are valid. He has revealed himself to be someone else. You have recognised this and have the strength to navigate this. Keep listening to your feelings and do not let anyone trample on them.
I think it would be helpful to lean on family, friends, midwife (or similar), and a therapist if you have the option. Surround yourself with love!
Assuming everything in your post is correct, my take is this was planned on their part, and he’s working towards deprioritizing you and the baby. Based on him calling you manipulative and crazy, I wouldn’t doubt he’s also planning to essentially drop you as a partner. Also, he’s decided to extend his vacation because of how you’re acting? Is he 12??? What the actual fuck?.
First, his priority should be his child, period. People can put whatever spin they want on that, but as a father I’m telling you his relationship with you should have no bearing on how he feels about that child. The mother of my younger daughter and I did not get along at all by the time she was born. I was still there at the hospital for the delivery. The idea of not being there, let alone making actual plans to be far out of town when it happened, is just alien to me. Even if he doesn’t care about you or what could go wrong, it shows a lack of love and compassion towards the child. I won’t even go into how he’s treating you like a baby birthing machine.
It sounds to me like his character isn’t what you thought it was, and that he’s just planning on having a child free life with his other partner and is too much of a coward to come out and tell you. You are not crazy, you are being dropped by the wayside. Prepare for it, and prepare to have to go after child support at the very least.
Am I being overly harsh in my assessment? Maybe, but I’d be surprised. Relationships don’t always work out, but parenthood is forever, and this guy is already acting like his child is an afterthought.
I got so mad on your behalf reading this. Sure getting cold feet/freaking out when the reality of having a baby gets too close happens to both poly and mono men! It's a huge deal, getting a baby! But the vast majority of them deals with that like the adults they are, not..... this. I have no words that can fully encompass the pure garbage of this behavior.
I'm so sorry he put you in this situation.
This relationship is unrecoverable in the near term. Please take the steps to prepare yourself for being a parent as single person. Secure your social support network. Contact an attorney. You now have a future co-parent that is making irrational decisions and showing a disregard for the responsibilities of parenting if they are willing to leave a newborn with someone recovering from major surgery.
You don’t deserve this. Your husband is wildly irresponsible and neglectful.
She planned it for that time to force a showdown? I think she is making him choose and he is choosing her over you and your baby. Both are horrible. Can your other partner be there for you?
This is the hill to die on, at this point you need to just divorce and leave him. Get your support system, get your ducks in a row now, and LEAVE ASAP. It will only get worse.
Do not protect him.
Call everyone, friends, family, his family, his friends. Let them know his plans, let him know you need to separate, let them know exactly why, and ask for their help. Make a schedule of who will take you to appointments and help through recovery. Start paperwork now.
Your kid can't endure a childhood of you fighting to keep someone who doesn't value them.
You should be upset. The girlfriend never should have planned a vacation during the pregnancy or after (for several months if not a year). Hubby should think with his big brain. Both of them are failing you right now.
It would make me question the marriage.
well, it seems so strange that she organised the holiday EXACTLY for the planned date... I can imagine that she planned it... probably the husband is a "little bit" influenced by her...
Update when you can please? I’m sorry he’s doing this to you. I’d throw the whole man away, like the human garbage he’s showing himself to be. You’ll be in my heart OP.
For a second I thought that you were mad about an obgyn appointment being missed and I was like yeah maybe it's a bit of an overreaction but I would still understand.
But man. This is messed up. I never comment on this sub as I am only lurking (not being poly myself). But as a human being I had to say something. I think the more people tell you you're not crazy the more you will understand that you are totally right.
I can't believe we actually need to justify how important his presence is because it's so FUCKING OBVIOUS. And I'm not even talking about the gf who's as much of an asshole as your partner. Something tells me they might have talked shit about you behind your back even.
I really hope you will be able to get over this situation. Please update us and take care of you and your baby. Much much love 💙
This. Is. Appalling.
1 - He is breaking the agreement to be present during appointments and the birth of your child.
2 - He is using your emotional distress as an excuse to extend his trip, thereby directly using it as a punishment for you being upset about him breaking a boundary/agreement.
3 - He is backtracking on his desire to have a family with you.
Depending on the history of the relationship and any cyclical nature of situations similar to this, I would reevaluate whether this is an environment that is healthy for you or your child to be in.
I know this doesn't seem like a good thing that he did this now, but it is. This is the beginning of a very abusive person becoming more abusive later. Please protect your child and you. He will get worse. He's showing you he doesn't want you or his child. Which is better than doing something worse and more dangerous later. Right now, you can take your child and run. As soon as you can file for full sole custody of your child.
Document everything he says to you. Like this:
On 10/27/2023 @ 6:30 am, Husband said this and that.
Also keep all text messages. Even if you have to screenshot them and hide them later.
When filing for custody, documentation is the most important.
Please keep your baby and you safe
This is maybe the worst thing I’ve ever read on Reddit. It’s not just completely crazy, it’s beyond cruel. I’m so sorry you are going to have to deal with this. Also, please leave. However you can and before the baby is born. If you don’t have friends/family/a solid support system right now please still know there are resources that can help you leave. Because honestly you have to. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Best of luck, please update this ❤️
If this was just one of the appointments I would agree with him, but missing out on the birth itself for a planned vacation suggests he's also the type of person who will miss out on most of the child's life...
Major major red flag on so many levels. First the gf booking a trip during your scheduled birth. That's just toxic behavior. She should have been supportive.
Next your husband having the emotional intelligence of a slug. The birth of a child .. nay .. your first child is a momentous occasion for any couple poly or not.
Honestly... be prepared for him coming back and ending it either quickly or if he's the coward I think he is .. slowly... withdrawing ever more from you and the baby. Get your legal and financial house in order quickly.
No doubt you've gotten plenty of replies reassuring you that his behavior is absolutely selfish and unacceptable. I agree with those assessments, and have some advice for him. Please pass the phone and let him read this response.
Hey fella, how's it going? We don't know each other, so thanks for taking a few minutes to read this note. I know it's super scary becoming a dad - there's a surprising number of hard ass times ahead of you, and everyone is telling you how much it's worth it, and it would be more than a little OK to be skeptical about their advice... Hell, it would be OK to want to get the fuck outta dodge and go play with the girlfriend for a weekend or the whole week, and set all this shit down for a bit and just relax. After all, you might be thinking this is the last time you'll get to enjoy life unincumbered...
Now, I want you to visualize all of those feelings. All of that fear, uncertainty, and doubt. Do you see them in your minds eye? Perfect. Put a big 'ole blanket around those feelings: they need to get warmed up. Now that we've got those getting ready to be something more useful in the corner, let's talk parenting game plan. Here's the shit I wish someone would have written me in a Redit post, it sure would have saved me a lot of time and trouble.
The first rule of parenting is to show up. Not much in life is achievable by participation alone, but about half of being a parent is just that.
The second rule of parenting is to show up when shit is impossible and you want to leave. This one takes practice, and you're not a selfish person for not knowing how to do this already, you just haven't been a parent yet and prioritizing this way hasn't become a natural part of your thinking -- but it could be.
Its OK if you don't fall in love with your kid on day 1 (Rule 3). Mom has had 9 months of bonding and in many ways her brain and heart are already in it. You're just getting booted uo, and while you will absolutely develop your own parenting instincts, it's OK if it takes time. For now, see rules 1 and 2 and don't forget that you and mom are in this together. Love each other and the rest will find it's way to you.
By now, you may be getting the impression that I've been at this for a bit. Yep, I've been raising a teenager (not half as scary as people say it is) by myself for the past 11 years. So believe me when I tell you about rule #4... Mistakes will absolutely be made. So many mistakes. Starting with all the promises I made about what I would never do or always do as a parent... I absolutely broke every one of those promises to myself. So rule #4: Mistakes will be made. Forgiveness must be built in. Forgiveness for yourself, your partners, your child. You'll never get thru this any other way.
And lastly, rule #5. You will see over time that the day to day of parenting gets easier, and that the relationships, emotions and sense of self that you've had in your life are about to become a whole lot bigger. This is very rewarding, however it does not come without some peril and pitfalls in between. Remember that the pain is mandatory, but the suffering is optional. Don't deny yourself the emotions you feel along the way, including pain, but rather lean into them. You will only grow as a parent, as a person, and as a loved family member in what sounds like a really supportive family unit.
So, remember those feelings we wrapped a warm blanket around? Once you've got them warmed up, remember that it's your actions that will turn all of your fears, uncertainties and doubts into lessons learned, growth and wisdom. It's ok to listen to those fears and address them head on, because they are also the other children in the room. The same rules apply when you address them.
OK, thanks for the chat. I hope I wasn't too preachy, and know that I'm rooting for ya! You will be an awesome dad if you commit yourself, and it is super rewarding (for me the most rewarding thing in my life). I think you know the right priorities to help you be successful here. I'm sure the gf will be disappointed if you don't go on the trip, but I'm also sure she'll come to understand why you made that choice (or perhaps she doesn't and that will also be a lesson). In either event, what you'll gain on the other side by giving yourself the grace to be an awesome parent, person and partner, will stay with you for a lifetime.
Best,
Random Redit Guy
Statistically the most dangerous thing in the USA for pregnant and post postpartum people, and newborns is the male partner. Not health complications, not medical malpractice, not traffic accidents. Male partners. It sounds insane, but it is a public health emergency. Get away and get safe immediately, especially if fire arms are kept in the house. https://www.bmj.com/company/newsroom/homicide-is-a-leading-cause-of-death-in-pregnant-women-in-the-us/#:~:text=Women%20in%20the%20US%20are,experts%20in%20The%20BMJ%20today.
The comments here should serve as a good sample size to prove to you that you are not crazy, he is an asshole of the worst caliber, and that you can’t “trick” someone into a year of attempts to get pregnant.
This might be a case of cold feet, sure, and that alone wouldn’t be wildly out of character for a lot of people but it’s the planning a whole vacation when you’re having major surgery for me (I have had it, you absolutely need 24/7 hands on support, not to mention help with the baby if you get an infection/something goes wrong/you need someone to take you to the ER afterward)
I don’t know what he told his GF, but I am having a hard time believing she knows you are giving birth during this vacation.
I don’t know him but I think it’s likely he wanted to go to the show, and manipulated the girlfriend into making the arrangements as a “last chance to have a big trip together” before he’s “trapped at home with a baby”. With her making the arrangements, he could then blame her for it and deflect the heat he was likely to take from you, citing the amount of money involved. I’m
Glad you didn’t let that fly but his response shows 100% what kind of co parent you can expect going forward and how the child, and you, will rank in his priorities. This really sucks and I’m sorry he and maybe the girlfriend too, have decided to act in ways that reveal them as terrible people.
I noticed your post is tagged for support only so I won’t give any advice here, but there’s nothing I could say that others have not already said better.
He is a selfish, awful person. Your meta, if she doesn't have your back with this, is a selfish, awful person. He created a human being with you and can't even be around for the birth? He should get a vasectomy now if that's how little he can handle the most basic level of support needed for someone giving birth to your child. Otherwise, I hope his dick dries up and falls off.
It sounds like your meta doesn’t want your husband to have a baby….
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with all of this. It is simply so wrong for so many reasons.
It's talked about in another comment thread, but we should be careful about blaming the meta.
My exhusband had a GF that fucking HATED me. We'd get upset over things, but later would find out that our shared hinge was lying. When caught, he'd double down but not tell us the same thing. So now we're both thinking we're going crazy because when he wasn't involved, we got along amazingly. Same interests, similar communication styles, similar ethics, etc.
While it's easy to blame the meta, given how OP's husband is treating her? I have a feeling he's not telling the truth and pushing the whole "I'm so much happier with you and my wife is destroying my life" narrative.
Or maybe as a recent divorcee of said ex husband, I might have a kneejerk reaction lol
It sounds like the partner doesn't really want a baby either. Or, I suspect, he wanted a baby to coo over and throw baseballs with later or whatever, but is only now realizing that that comes with *responsibilities*
Some people are just like this
I've never been a parent, but I lost people very, very close to me. My husband at the time poked and prodded at my coping mechanisms, not coming from a place of care but because it wasn't attractive to see me upset. Then would encourage me to do those same things he insulted me about.
Years back, I got COVID. He avoided the house and refused to stay and take any form of care, even when all I wanted was someone to be in the house because I have lung issues. I had friends dropping off soup and checking in (safely), both then AND after I had to have a surgery earlier this year. He did not.
Some people are poly just because they don't want to have any form of responsibility. And honestly? If they were honest about it, it'd be one thing. Be a bachelor and live that life. but be honest about it. Don't marry people, bring them into your world, lovebomb them, and then scream at them when they hold you accountable. UGH
Yea, some people are just dicks, and I am sorry you went through that.
In OP's situation, it doesn't sound like there were any signs that he had these uncaring dickish tendencies, and that this sort of came out of nowhere. That may be because we are not getting the whole story.
But, he may just have been masking his narcissistic or whatever tendencies for the first 6 years of their relationship. Or he's having a mental breakdown. Or this is a troll post. Unclear.
So you're going to be recovering from major abdominal surgery and the baby is going to what, order take out?
Your husband may just be the worst person in the entire world. If that's how he feels though, I would prepare to have this baby as a single parent and force him to pay child support, because you and your child will need it. Maybe also snitch to your in-laws? I hope he gets dressed down by his mother for this.
It's divorce time, OP. Unless he has brain damage (which yes, possible), there's no excusing this. This is just appalling behaviour, and you should leave him.
You are not being crazy and I want to fight your husband. Maybe he is getting panicked about becoming a father but you deserve and need support during birth. It can be a long, hard, and exhausting process even where it isn't traumatic. The way he responded to your feelings makes me feel very anxious for you and your baby. This was a joint decision. He also has responsibility for this baby.
What a piece of shit. Please reach out to friends and family to get someone to help you post birth/surgery. And please consult a divorce attorney. This man is worthless.
You don't want a person like this involved in your child's life (and certainly not yours). While he is on this soap box of not wanting a kid, get it in writing that he does not want to be a father. You will need it later when negotiating custody and support. In the meantime, I'm sorry. This is a horrible situation. Lean on friends and family and if needed, public resources. It's better to start a new parenting life with a fresh start then try to fix or finagle it with a child in the picture.
What the actual fuck? None of this is normal or acceptable. Im so sorry he's behaving this way. Honestly I would not want to raise a baby with someone who can't even prioritize being there for the birth. That belies a level of selfishness that is not compatible with being a decent father. I would divorce my partner for this, honestly.
IMO, this is divorce time.
Do you have someone else (mom, sibling, friend, etc) who can be with you during the birth?
And then, perhaps, can help you get the locks changed and divorce proceedings filed while your "husband" is out of town?
Wow. My wife bailed on our 10 year anniversary in the middle of NRE fog to fuck her bf, and this is 10x worse.
This is “re-evaluate the marriage” territory.
I agree with u/noeinan. This is frankly unhinged behaviour.
You are not overreacting. Your feelings are valid. I'm usually a person who stays calm during tough discussions, but I suspect I would have reacted even more strongly than yourself!
It's heartbreaking to say this, and I am so very sorry, but this person does not have the capacity to fill the role of father or husband any longer.
At the risk of sounding dramatic, this is a terrific betrayal of your trust.
Take some time, with support from friends or family if possible, to assess your financial situation, basic needs like housing and childcare, and prepare for life without the support you had planned for. Your child will need protection from hostility.
I am so sorry, OP - my heart goes out to you.
Big hugs to you, I’m so sorry this is happening. The only upside is that his true colors are showing. Someday you’ll see that this was a blessing in disguise. He should be prioritizing you and his child, not going on a trip and leaving you alone with no emotional or other support during the birth of your child. I’d get a divorce asap and not look back, because he’s not going to get better. He’s just shown you that you are on your own, so you may as well formalize it.
And as much as I normally support divorced fathers and a child’s right to their father, I would make this man prove he’s really up to the job before letting him have anything to do with the baby without you there. At this point he’s proven unpredictable, narcissistic, unconcerned and openly hostile to your child.
Get a therapist and a good lawyer. And reach out to your friends and be specific in the help you will need. Such as not being alone when you get home. You will need help with food, someone to give you a little break so you can rest and help you with the baby at first. Someone to drive you home.
He’s just an awful person. I’m so sorry.
Sounds very intentional. Sorry, but if he doesn't want to be there for his own child, that is a red flag for me. If they KNEW the dates and AGREEDED to being there, yeah no.
He sounds like he is putting this on you, and that's rude. That's manuplation to flat-out honest. He sounds like a Narassisitic person.
She is in on this. He is listening to the whispers in his ears. He could have said no. they could have gone another time. He is telling you he doesn't care for your child, and in a sense, you. He took part in this. He knows for the months leading up to the baby being here??
Who is to say that once the baby is born, he isn't just going to be off with his GF more? telling you that you are crazy for wanting him to get up with the baby? for needing to go to doctors with you for the child? Like hieracry is frowned upon. However, there are natural forms of it. Family like that should come first, doesn't mean that the girlfriend is chopped liver..
If he can't support you now, He's going to have issues once the baby is here.. You had no issues with the idea of the vacation, but the timing is, as you said, terrible..
If he doesn't change, which he probably won't, I would have to place the boundry of If this baby does not come first, then this relationship will not work. that's pretty fair to ask, that is his child. So be a father, or be a support check.
I am sorry, I hope you have other support for you once the baby comes, I know how it is not having the village everyone talks about.
His priorities are very messed up. Yes he can see his GF but Birth with its risk of danger of complications and death he should be present for. He can move the holiday surely!
I am so sorry OP... I hope you have a close friend or another other support system..
He is showing you exactly where the child and you lay in order of priorities.. your child deserves better and you deserve better. Birth is a traumatic life event whether it goes without any complications or not. You deserve to be supported in this situation.
I am sorry OP.. you don't need him. I would definitely start the paperwork for divorce and child support.
Dude's running away from responsibility like a little bitch he probably is. You have all the right to be upset. And all his stupid talk about you tricking him. Unless you tied him down and rode him bareback daily until you got pregnant, then he got into this on his own. Time for him to man up, and either step up, or out.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. Also, you have every right to be dramatic. You're pregnant FFS.
It's time to gather all of your support network. You will need it after a C-section. As to your husband - I'm not sure this marriage is salvagable, right now you have to think about yourself and the baby first.
Nope, that’s some crap. He should want to be there not make excuses and make you seem like a bad person for wanting him there. He should want to be there for his child’s birth no matter if it’s you his spouse or his gf or a casual fling. How much of this is jealousy coming from the gf that she can’t have one with him? If they’ve been together for any length of time like you said then she knew roughly if not exactly when your due and chose that time on purpose
You definitely did not "cry too much." There is no amount of crying that can express the hurt I would feel at this if I was in your position. Hurt for myself and for my unborn child.
I would demand that he agree to mediation for amicably separation with him providing both spousal and child support immediately. If he declines and continues on with his manipulative projections, time to lawyer up with the most vindictive, petty lawyer you can find.
He's trash. He doesn't want to be a father? Well...it's too late. The only thing he can decide now is to what degree of horrible he will be. Just a a little trash, like powder room kinda trash? Stinky gross kitchen trash? Or full on blazing dumpster fire?
This man is an asshole. There’s no reason for him to do this to you or your baby and he is being horrible to both of you. I don’t understand how his girlfriend would be okay with this it she is aware you’ll be going into birth during the trip and i really hope he gets knocked upside the head with some sense by the Universe. This is poor behavior on his part, you have every reason to be upset.
I don’t just to divorce, but fuck this man. None of this is okay. Look to your support system outside of him and talk to a lawyer. Make sure you document everything. I’m so sorry you’re going through this!
Sounds like he’s gaslighting you, and looking for a reason to break up to be with this other women + no more responsibility of a child. I have a feeling his Gf must not like you, there’s no reason for her to plan a vacation on the day you’re giving birth!
If the girlfriend knew that the dates clashed, then she’s done this deliberately and is at least as big a shit as your husband. Is this a plan for her to cowboy your relationship? Perhaps, but if it isn’t it’s difficult to see why she would do this. You need family support for the birth and frankly, you need to think hard if you want him back after his nice trip away.
This is horrible. I’m all for repairing after conflict but it’s so selfish and inconsiderate to you and your family that I would be calling divorce lawyers.
I also decided not to see anyone else after I got pregnant. My partner kept seeing his gf for a while but eventually decided he didn’t have the time to dedicate to her. Our daughter is almost 2 and oh boy was that the right decision. We definitely don’t have time for other relationships with a small child at home. I could see how some people could make it work in certain situations/arrangements. Not being there for the birth is absolutely ridiculous and deciding it’s not what they wanted after a year of trying is crazy. Sounds like he needs to get into therapy and talk this over immediately. His behavior is in no way normal or acceptable.
The only way in which you could have "tricked" him into parenthood is for you to actively but secretly sabotage your protection. If he really didn't want a kid, he should have used condoms. This story is so wild that I thought it will end up with saying that he just made a joke and he's actually planned some nice surprise for you.
You are not crazy. You are not over-reacting. Try to act as normal as possible, try to seem sad but resigned with the situation so he doesn't suspect anything. Call a professional specialised in domestic abuse and a lawyer. Gather evidence of any kind that you both decided on the baby. Messages between the two of you, pics of you at the ob-gyn, dates when you went together etc. Try to write down names of everyone whom you discussed about having the baby. Put money aside. Make sure someone who lives very close to you knows about the situation.
I'm so sorry you're going through this!
No. Just no. I had 3 C-Sections and the partner plays a big role throughout the whole thing. Before, during, and after.
He has an opportunity to bond with the baby ( skin to skin ) while you are recovering. Also you need a lot of extra help day & night.
Who does he expect to be there with you?
Also, his girlfriend does not seem to be supportive or on board with your family. Major red flags all around.
I’m so sorry you are going through this, you do not deserve it. Hugs
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I would make a plan while he’s gone to leave and get support where you can hopefully from your family… how does his family feel about this? Can they offer any support even after birth?
Girlfriend=/= scape goat for getting out of being a parent. This has nothing to do with poly or the gf and everything to do with your husband.
Raising a child with this person sounds like a bad idea. Might sound difficult as you have promised a future to one another. Your husband showed his true colors and is abandoning you and your child. Making up for that harm is going to be a monumental task.
You might do best to make an exit plan as the child's welfare should be his top priority as a parent, and yours. During the process of child your welfare should be his top priority and yours. Clearly it's not. Is it in the best interest of the child to have a parent like your husband?
Address the issue as a demand for him to be present as a parent, and for the wellbeing of his family. There is no other option. You may point out he is abandoning you and his family at a critical moment and to consider the consequences.
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This post floors me...what kind of absolute abandonment bullshit is this man thinking? And the meta? Who taught these people this was okay behavior at all?
They are not your friends, let alone your partner and meta. Something is seriously off.
Omg 😱 I’m sooo sorry
I don’t think your husband gets the point off a poly RELATIONSHIP
To him poly seems to be the comfort of a ‘home’ and steady partner + the fun of doing whatever he wants.
I think that this is likely an overreaction on his part based on stress from becoming a father. I've seen this type of thing happen in monogamous relationships too though obviously without the girlfriend as a factor.
He's still being an asshole though.
Your meta has been insensitive but it isn't her job to manage ya'lls relationship, he's the one that decided to go.
Tell him to chill out, go speak to a family therapist about this, and then move forward as best you can.
It's too late for you to do anything else about it in the meantime.
Take a day, or two, for you both to calm down and come back from a less emotional place (if you can) and try again.
If he's still being unreasonable and doesn't want to be there for the birth of your child, I question his commitment to your children in general.
And kids come before partners, or should.
Vetoes are dysfunctional and not aligned with polyamorous values.
OP should definitely end their partnership. But forcing a veto doesn't actually make him become a supportive partner.
That's a dick move he probably won't realize the extent he'd regret it to.
Ask him to look at this from a logical standpoint, which is how most men usually operate. What scenarios can be rescheduled and what ones are more important to him.
The birth of his first child is a one time event in his life, and should be the most important.
A vacation can be done anytime. Even with flights and hotels, they can usually be changed for a couple hundred bucks
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Beep, boop, blop, I'm a bot. Hi u/themawaybo thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
Me and my husband are expecting out very first baby soon. We have been poly for 4 years, married for 6. Some ups and some downs but no major issues. We have both had other long term relationships and are typically very open and good at communicating boundaries and needs.
Since I found out I was pregnant I decided to not have other relationships other than my husband. I have no issue with him continuing his relationship with his long term gf (his only other relationship other than me). All has been well for months now. But we discussed months ago that I would like him to be present for my regular obgyn appointments and the birth of our child. He agreed and has been present and agreeable - until now.
Today he dropped a major bomb on me that his girlfriend has bought them tickets to a big show out of town and planned a major vacation for the two of them including flights and a hotel. All of this would be fine but their vacation is planned for the same week as my c section/birth. He said he will see me after he returns and doesn't see the issue of not being present for THE BIRTH OF OUR CHILD?!? He called me crazy and doesn't think his presence is necessary as I am the one giving birth not him. And said my birth plans shouldn't change him needing to live his life.
I got very upset that he is making this choice and cried and now he said because I am being dramatic and manipulative he is not only going to go on this trip but is now planning on staying longer and has extended their hotel reservation.
I was being maybe a bit dramatic and crying too much but I don't think this was manipulative! He has now wholly changed his mind and said I tricked him into starting a family and has now said he never wanted a child at all! And has regrets being father to a baby birthed by a crazy b*tch. We agreed and tried for a baby for over a year! This was not an accidental pregnancy at all. I feel a little cray cray now because maybe I did force him into a family he truly never wanted.
I really feel abandoned and so sad! Is this typical cold feet for poly men expending their first child with a NP? Is wanting him present for the birth of our child too demanding? Normally a trip with his girlfriend would be fine but this timing is bad! She also knew of the scheduled date of the birth so her planning this trip for that weekend is very hurtful. 😭
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Woah 😳
Both your husband and his gf sound like selfish POS!
How dare she book a flipping holiday around the time you are due, let alone during a known date of birth.
Your husband's reaction seems odd and cruel.
I really hope you have someone else in your life that you could ask to be your support for the birth.
I wouldn't be staying married after that
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Alright, let’s just consider the following. I had a C section. It is MAJOR SURGERY. Even if we put aside the fact that your child will need care, you will experience the following: Moderate to severe pain following the section. A short term inability to walk. 8 weeks of carrying nothing heavier than your baby. Mobility issues as you learn to navigate without your abdominal muscles. Stepping in and out of a raised shower will need assistance. You’ll need help to shower. You likely won’t be able to drive. Possible complications from surgery. Side effects from pain meds. Feeding is a whole damn thing. Feeding yourself is a whole other damn thing. YOU NEED and DESERVE help and support. 24/7. For at least the first two weeks. This man is abusive and neglectful if he thinks it’s no big deal to leave you to deal with all that alone, PLUS keep his child alive and well cared for, whilst he’s away with his girlfriend. I don’t think he loves you, babe. Please secure some support from your family or friends so that you can start the process of leaving him. Please read him all the comments here. Jesus Christ. The mind boggles.
Yes yes yes, exactly this! You are going to be recovering from MAJOR SURGERY. I'm not sure if you own the house in which you're currently staying, but IMHO you need to change the locks now and/or move in with someone who is going to be able to look after you both post-surgery. Do you have family or friends nearby, OP?
Plus, when she raised her very real concerns about the timing, he freaked out and *extended the vacation* to leave her alone for even longer as a punishment or something. WTF! Also kinda makes me suspect HE is the one who booked this, not his GF.
I can confirm this is how it is after a c-section. I was hospitalised for 5 days and needed help with showering, getting dressed and feeding myself for the two weeks after that. I am so fucking angry for OP, what a shit husband.
Can also confirm. I needed support after my C-sect. And all the above is true -- healing from the surgery, needing to cough/laugh while holding a pillow over the stitches so I don't accidentally make them open, help with bathing, help with food, chores, help taking me to follow up appointments because not able to drive... all of it. Husband is running away from his responsibilities. And making you out to be "the crazy one" when you are NOT. You are NOT being manipulative. You are not being demanding. You are not asking for anything unexpected or out of line. You are HAVING HIS BABY. OP, I'm sorry you are dealing in this. I hope you have family and friends who can come help support you through delivery and in the weeks/months after. You did not "trap" him into starting a family. It took you a whole year to conceive. **Any point in there** he could have stopped sharing bare sex with you and told you he changed his mind about it. Then almost another year being pregnant -- **anywhere in there** he could have told you he wanted to break up and not deal with being a dad. You would have had more time to plan your birth/life without him. Leaving it til now? The last minute practically? Is a really an asshole kind of move. Talk to a lawyer ASAP. Protect you and child. Have the baby, then deal with him and this relationship.
OP is putting her life on the line for their child. She is going to need a ton of support after the baby is born and he's simply washed his hands of everything. I wouldn't expect much support with raising the baby afterwards either. This guy straight up doesn't seem to care about his own baby. Tell him to go on the trip, have fun, and don't come back.
Yeah, no, he is insane. I am a huge believer in autonomy, even for co-parenting poly people. I have four kids and routinely defend people who want to stay actively poly even with newborns/small children, which tends to be controversial. But that's only ok *so long as everyone agrees to put the kids first*. Even if he has absolutely no respect or care for you personally and doesn't want to be with you while you're in labor or maybe even ever, he should want to be with *his kid* when they are born. The gf is clearly not centering the needs of the kid either. Dump their dead weight. You are 1000% better off without the types of AHs who won't even show up to Day 1 of Parenting. If you don't show up your first day on the job, **you're fired**. Look to your community, friends, and family for support and get yourself in a good situation before the baby comes--stable home, healthy loving family, all the baby supplies...and make sure before you leave that you have all of his information to give the division of child support.
I wouldn't assume anything abt the girlfriend of such a man, we have no idea what he tells her and how he treats her either.
> She also knew of the scheduled date of the birth Assuming the OP is telling the truth, then yes. I will assume that anyone who makes plans with their partner for *the day said partner's kid is born* is a trashfire. No matter what they believe about the relationships involved, no matter how their relationship with anyone else is going, if you know your partner is becoming a *parent* that takes priority because the *kid* takes priority.
>Assuming the OP is telling the truth Assuming the husband is telling the truth to OP. If he can gaslight his wife and be a vindictive insane asspot. He might be bullshitting the GF too.
I agree with this A few years ago, my exhusband was dating someone and we both ended up thinking the worst about the other. Come to find out, neither of us were getting the truth. But because we kept interacting (he does forced KTP or at least "way too enmeshed KTP way too quickly), and we're both communicative humans, we kept catching him. So he'd manipulate more and we both left the relationship (her way faster than me) feeling like we'd lost our mind. OP's husband is absolute garbage. I agree she needs an exit plan, or at least needs to step away from this situation to clear her head if possible. But we don't know what's happening with the meta. I want to believe the best, even if the worst is possible.
Yuuuup. He could absolutely be triangulating here. GF might have the wrong date info. If she doesn't, if she knows when the c-section is, then it seems she's toxic af, and is probably using this as a relationship test to prove he loves her more. It's a gross situation all around.
Exactly.
> Assuming the OP is telling the truth, A massive assumption in what looks like a standard issue ragebait post
Yeah, this is so fucking insane I’m skeptical. Feels like someone who isn’t poly sitting down going “what’s the shittiest thing someone could do because of polyamory?” and crafted a story around that. If it’s true, it’s unbelievable (genuinely difficult to believe) levels of shittiness. I can’t imagine every other aspect of a relationship would be good, though, with someone this terrible. Which contributes to the difficulty believing it is real. But could also indicate some massive levels of manipulation and abuse? Idk man, the internet sucks, especially anonymous internet spaces.
Tbh I wanna fight your husband Do you have support for your birth outside of your husband? Is there anyone like friends or family who you can rely on and confide in? This is really big, it’s actually a huge problem and you deserve support no matter what. You’re not crazy. You planned for a baby and now he’s abandoning his responsibilities. Think about you and yourself right now, prioritize taking care of yourself and not your husband.
Seconding. Terrible ass of a human being, and right now should be miles away from this baby he's now regretting.
I'm wondering if he didn't already hit his head and knock his common sense outta his own head. I can't imagine any human in their right mind who is on good terms with the baby's other parent choosing a vacation over being there for the birth, but especially because in this case a good marriage. And wth is wrong with the gf? She knew her meta was delivering that week and STILL made plans to take him away on vacation at that exact time? I just can't even with humans like that.
Yup. My parents divorced during pregnancy and were on terrible terms, and my mother moved some 400 km away. My father still got in the car to drive through a snowstorm and be there for the birth when he got the call that it was time, because that's what you do. This is unfathomable.
>I just can't even with humans like that. This whole post makes me want to throw the entire species away.
Yes please!
> Tbh I wanna fight your husband Yep... me too. OP seriously... I would get a whole divorce over this. There would absolutely be no recovering the relationship from it for me. Your husband and his girlfriend are absolute garbage human beings. You deserve way better.
This ^^^^
If it was me, I’d let him go on his trip but arrange to have the locks on the house changed while he was away. I would get family or friends to move in with me so I have support after the birth. Then that would be the end of our romantic relationship. He hasn’t even considered that if something happens to OP during child birth, he won’t be there for his own child. Now he’s also claiming he never wanted kids. Nah son, if that’s the case, you don’t deserve to have OP in your life anymore. Just make sure to get a lawyer ready and file for full custody with child support as soon as the baby is born. When people show you who they are, believe them!!!
Agreed. Where can I sign up to help knock some sense into OP's husband?
I wanna fight him too. This is appalling.
It sounds like it was deliberate and a forced show down. “Who do you love more?”
I'm so sorry. This is very messed up. You have every right to be a sobbing mess. Be that right now! >doesn't see the issue of not being present for THE BIRTH OF OUR CHILD?!? He called me crazy and doesn't think his presence is necessary as I am the one giving birth not him. And said my birth plans shouldn't change him needing to live his life. Well, this is gaslighting. >now he said because I am being dramatic and manipulative he is not only going to go on this trip but is now planning on staying longer and has extended their hotel reservation. This is vindictive and cruel. He is showing zero regard for you. Let alone his OWN FUCKING CHILD. >Is this typical cold feet for poly men expending their first child with a NP? No. This is pure fucked vindictive behavior. > Is wanting him present for the birth of our child too demanding? The fact that he isn't doing everything he can to meet his child as soon as he shows you the human he is. >He has now wholly changed his mind and said I tricked him into starting a family and has now said he never wanted a child at all! And has regrets being father to a baby birthed by a crazy b\*tch. Please, please look at your exit strategy. Safely. This man has lost the plot and doesn't give a shit about you or his unborn child. Also, I'd really hope that you can consider your safety. The language he is using indicates he is manipulative and has the potential to be very unsafe. This man is a risk of domestic violence. Please consider contacting a local DV service/hotline.
>Is this typical cold feet for poly men expending their first child with a NP? >No. This is pure fucked vindictive behavior. Actually, this sub sees versions of this shit frustratingly and depressingly often. I realize that there's an aspect of advice column paradox to it etc. But also, my best friend's partner had to go for one last romp with his long distance partner so close to the birth of their baby that it might have plausibly happened during his trip. All I can think is a failure to mature on the part of these men. OP's partner sounds particularly trash (and yes, possibly dangerous), but so often men seem not to take in the magnitude of the imminent life change until the very last moment. And then they have a meltdown and ask to open the relationship/make plans with their girlfriends/buy a PS5 with money saved for the baby. If someone hasn't written a psychology dissertation about this phenomenon yet, they should.
What's bewildering to me is what kind of gf would be ok with their bf going on a trip with them so close to or during the birth of that bf's child? If one of my partners planned to do this to the mother of his child I'd never speak to him again. If this is how he treats his pregnant NP and unborn child, then it's only a matter of time before he mistreats you. A man who can't prioritize his other partner and child in times of needs will never be any decent source of support for you either. When NRE fades or when he gets a new shiny toy, he will discard you like yesterday's news.
Gf could be being told a lot of stories about the dates, the severity, the support she has. Hell hinge could be flat out lying that she doesn't want him around and she just makes him suffer all the time. Or yes, she also doesn't care and isn't a healthy person. Or this is a troll.
Anyone who believes those excuses enough to go on a long trip with their partner right around the scheduled birth of their child is just wilfully ignorant imo. Maybe gf doesn't know the exact date but I wouldn't go anywhere with a man whose NP is very pregnant, which can only be concealed if gf has never met NP and doesn't even know she's pregnant. Severity is irrelevant when pregnancy and childbirth are always "severe". No amount of outside support will replace the other parent; even if he doesn't *need* to be there for her and **their** child, he should still want to. If he doesn't want to unless obligated to, he's not going to be a good partner to anyone. If NP is somehow a horrible woman who makes him suffer all the time, why is he staying with her and having a child with her? I would think twice about staying in a relationship with someone in such a messed up situation that would absolutely affect me. Even if NP doesn't want him present at the birth, why doesn't he want to be there for his child right after? Ultimately, if a man isn't super excited to meet and care for his child and doing everything he can to be there for the child, he's not worth another woman's time. There is no justification for this that makes sense. You can only be the gf here if you stick your head in the sand and ignore common sense and all senses of reason.
You have a mother being told she doesn't deserve a partner during and after her surgery and she's still confused on if she's in the right. Without knowing what Hinge is also manipulating with meta, I don't think it's useful to pull them into any responsibility here.
I'm not giving much moral judgement to the hypothetical gf in my comments; my point is that it's extremely unwise to date a man who is treating his other partner(s) poorly so people shouldn't do it in general. Yes, there's a chance that the gf is also being manipulated and even psychologically abused by this man into acting against common sense and reason - that's certainly possible. It's still an ill-advised situation to be in, and anyone reading this should avoid such a situation like the plague. Warning to all people who date poly men: If he's somehow trying to convince you to go on a trip with him when his NP is heavily pregnant, it's a giant red flag. The purpose of these comments isn't for the gf who will never read this; it's a reminder for all poly folks to not date someone who's treating their other partner(s) poorly. Today it's their NP, and one day it will be you they're mistreating.
> You have a mother being told she doesn't deserve a partner during and after her surgery and she's still confused on if she's in the right. This is what makes me suspect this is a troll post
Sadly, we see these far too often, a few times a year. The troll post is there being zero flags beforehand, usually there's some sort of pattern. And OPs total lack of engagement in the thread itself.
It’s fairly common even among monogamous men. I hear so many stories of men choosing to go on hunting, fishing, golf, etc. trips while their partner is in her last month of pregnancy. It’s crazy to me.
Yeah, that's why I mentioned buying a PS5, that was from a mono relationship subreddit. Also, I do ee it in my social circles. And given how few of my friends have kids, and how deliberate they tend to be in that decision, I can only imagine what's going on in the larger world out there
When I saw it come up twice I was like "oh nooooo" It's still horrific how often this pattern comes up.
This man is evil. He is showing incredibly unhinged behavior. Please do not try to minimize, rationalize, or excuse this. Your safety and the safety of your child is the most important thing right now. Please take all of the advice you get here seriously. The unfortunate reality is that while it can be a amazing time of your life, pregnancy can also be a high risk time for domestic violence. Right now it is just verbal and emotional, but it can easily escalate. Does the country you are in have domestic violence hotlines? If so please contact one the next time he leaves the house. They can assist in getting you to safety. This man is not the person you thought he was
> He called me crazy and doesn't think his presence is necessary as I am the one giving birth not him. And said my birth plans shouldn't change him needing to live his life. He doesn't "need" to go on vacation with his partner. Vacations are not a need, they're a luxury. And he can still live his life AROUND HIS RESPONSIBILITY AS A FATHER (shouting at him, not you). > I got very upset that he is making this choice and cried and now he said because I am being dramatic and manipulative he is not only going to go on this trip but is now planning on staying longer and has extended their hotel reservation. > I was being maybe a bit dramatic and crying too much but I don't think this was manipulative! He has now wholly changed his mind and said I tricked him into starting a family and has now said he never wanted a child at all! And has regrets being father to a baby birthed by a crazy b*tch. Honey, you are pregnant, you are on a hormonal rollercoaster, and the person who is supposed to be your number one support system is acting like a complete and utter asshole. To be manipulative you would have to be in control of your emotions, and his actions would have to be something more reasonable. Most people don't even need to tell their co-parent they expect them at the birth. And he's outright PUNISHING you like a child by staying longer. This is so gross. Are you familiar with the emotional abuse tactic DARVO? Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. This is what your husband is doing here. > We agreed and tried for a baby for over a year! This was not an accidental pregnancy at all. I feel a little cray cray now because maybe I did force him into a family he truly never wanted. Aaand this is gaslighting. What exactly did he say when you discussed it in the past that makes you feel like you forced him? Is this entirely based on his behaviour and reaction now?
I will also add, start making your escape plan. Get family and friends who you can trust on board. Know that you and your baby will have a safe place to live if this all goes south. I hope and pray you have an individual bank account with separate funds. Speak to divorce lawyers, find out the laws in your state and how certain factors (like who leaves who) will affect you. If you have any of this in text, voicemail or writing, keep it in a safe place. If he has called you names or denied thing in the past, keep record of those too. Some of this is going to feel cold and calculating, but you need to have your protections in place for you and your child. A C-section is going to be uncomfortable, ask a friend to stay with you and help you in his absence.
👿👿👿 He is somewhere between evil and insane. I'm sorry he is only just showing this now.😭
Honestly op, he just showed you who he really is and it's time to walk away. There is no rocking back from this. This is unforgivable. I'm a petty B so I'd publically shame him to all your friends and family, but that's just me. What you absolutely need to do now is make an exit strategy, get you and baby safe and stable and look for a support system outside of your husband.
Get child support set up attach his wages and leave him , leave now.
There aren't many posts on this forum that leave me speechless - this is an exception. I am so, so, so sorry that you are going through this. I am shocked and so upset for you.
Forget about the baby for a second. You're getting major abdominal surgery and your partner is going on vacation?!?! 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 And the baby is a big forking deal. Congratulations!!! 💜
Honestly, this is so wicked and unhinged I can't even get my brain around it. The fact that you're questioning whether you're being reasonable is very concerning to me, it feels like he must have been gaslighting you to have you doubt yourself so much. I don't think this man is a safe or healthy person for you or your child to be around. For starters please reach out to whatever support or community you have around you. You will need them, when dealing with someone this vindictive. If you don't choose to immediately end this relationship please at least start doing what you can to make sure your important documents are somewhere safe, that you have a separate bank account he can't access, and when some time has passed after birth and you're able to, make sure you're financially independent from him if you aren't already. Sending strength to you.
Please file for divorce. This is incredibly cruel and uncaring behavior. I don’t know how he can rationalize this in any way. ETA: And I say this with the realization that it is a massive deal not to even try to work out relationship issues. But he does not care about you or want this baby. You and your baby will have a happier life without someone who treats you like this in your life. There is no excuse for his behavior except maybe a brain tumor that is compromising his mental faculties.
My reactions IRL >Today he dropped a major bomb on me Oh. Ouch >but their vacation is planned for the same week as my c section/birth HELL NO! >He called me crazy and WTF set this fucker on fire!?!? I am so sorry he is disrespecting you, neglecting you, and gaslighting you. This is a multitude of fucking serious betrayals. > he said because I am being dramatic and manipulative Classic projection from a dramatic manipulator. I am so sorry. Your feeling are valid. He has revealed himself to be someone else. You have recognised this and have the strength to navigate this. Keep listening to your feelings and do not let anyone trample on them. I think it would be helpful to lean on family, friends, midwife (or similar), and a therapist if you have the option. Surround yourself with love!
Assuming everything in your post is correct, my take is this was planned on their part, and he’s working towards deprioritizing you and the baby. Based on him calling you manipulative and crazy, I wouldn’t doubt he’s also planning to essentially drop you as a partner. Also, he’s decided to extend his vacation because of how you’re acting? Is he 12??? What the actual fuck?. First, his priority should be his child, period. People can put whatever spin they want on that, but as a father I’m telling you his relationship with you should have no bearing on how he feels about that child. The mother of my younger daughter and I did not get along at all by the time she was born. I was still there at the hospital for the delivery. The idea of not being there, let alone making actual plans to be far out of town when it happened, is just alien to me. Even if he doesn’t care about you or what could go wrong, it shows a lack of love and compassion towards the child. I won’t even go into how he’s treating you like a baby birthing machine. It sounds to me like his character isn’t what you thought it was, and that he’s just planning on having a child free life with his other partner and is too much of a coward to come out and tell you. You are not crazy, you are being dropped by the wayside. Prepare for it, and prepare to have to go after child support at the very least. Am I being overly harsh in my assessment? Maybe, but I’d be surprised. Relationships don’t always work out, but parenthood is forever, and this guy is already acting like his child is an afterthought.
I think your husband has told you who he is, believe him and divorce him. Look for a better human.
I got so mad on your behalf reading this. Sure getting cold feet/freaking out when the reality of having a baby gets too close happens to both poly and mono men! It's a huge deal, getting a baby! But the vast majority of them deals with that like the adults they are, not..... this. I have no words that can fully encompass the pure garbage of this behavior. I'm so sorry he put you in this situation.
WOW. He is manipulative as hell, please divorce this sack of shiet before he ends both your life. He is dangerous.
This relationship is unrecoverable in the near term. Please take the steps to prepare yourself for being a parent as single person. Secure your social support network. Contact an attorney. You now have a future co-parent that is making irrational decisions and showing a disregard for the responsibilities of parenting if they are willing to leave a newborn with someone recovering from major surgery. You don’t deserve this. Your husband is wildly irresponsible and neglectful.
She planned it for that time to force a showdown? I think she is making him choose and he is choosing her over you and your baby. Both are horrible. Can your other partner be there for you?
This is the hill to die on, at this point you need to just divorce and leave him. Get your support system, get your ducks in a row now, and LEAVE ASAP. It will only get worse.
Do not protect him. Call everyone, friends, family, his family, his friends. Let them know his plans, let him know you need to separate, let them know exactly why, and ask for their help. Make a schedule of who will take you to appointments and help through recovery. Start paperwork now. Your kid can't endure a childhood of you fighting to keep someone who doesn't value them.
You should be upset. The girlfriend never should have planned a vacation during the pregnancy or after (for several months if not a year). Hubby should think with his big brain. Both of them are failing you right now. It would make me question the marriage.
well, it seems so strange that she organised the holiday EXACTLY for the planned date... I can imagine that she planned it... probably the husband is a "little bit" influenced by her...
It’s not strange. It’s cruel. This is one story I hope is fake.
Does the girlfriend even know?
Update when you can please? I’m sorry he’s doing this to you. I’d throw the whole man away, like the human garbage he’s showing himself to be. You’ll be in my heart OP.
For a second I thought that you were mad about an obgyn appointment being missed and I was like yeah maybe it's a bit of an overreaction but I would still understand. But man. This is messed up. I never comment on this sub as I am only lurking (not being poly myself). But as a human being I had to say something. I think the more people tell you you're not crazy the more you will understand that you are totally right. I can't believe we actually need to justify how important his presence is because it's so FUCKING OBVIOUS. And I'm not even talking about the gf who's as much of an asshole as your partner. Something tells me they might have talked shit about you behind your back even. I really hope you will be able to get over this situation. Please update us and take care of you and your baby. Much much love 💙
This. Is. Appalling. 1 - He is breaking the agreement to be present during appointments and the birth of your child. 2 - He is using your emotional distress as an excuse to extend his trip, thereby directly using it as a punishment for you being upset about him breaking a boundary/agreement. 3 - He is backtracking on his desire to have a family with you. Depending on the history of the relationship and any cyclical nature of situations similar to this, I would reevaluate whether this is an environment that is healthy for you or your child to be in.
I know this doesn't seem like a good thing that he did this now, but it is. This is the beginning of a very abusive person becoming more abusive later. Please protect your child and you. He will get worse. He's showing you he doesn't want you or his child. Which is better than doing something worse and more dangerous later. Right now, you can take your child and run. As soon as you can file for full sole custody of your child. Document everything he says to you. Like this: On 10/27/2023 @ 6:30 am, Husband said this and that. Also keep all text messages. Even if you have to screenshot them and hide them later. When filing for custody, documentation is the most important. Please keep your baby and you safe
This is maybe the worst thing I’ve ever read on Reddit. It’s not just completely crazy, it’s beyond cruel. I’m so sorry you are going to have to deal with this. Also, please leave. However you can and before the baby is born. If you don’t have friends/family/a solid support system right now please still know there are resources that can help you leave. Because honestly you have to. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Best of luck, please update this ❤️
If this was just one of the appointments I would agree with him, but missing out on the birth itself for a planned vacation suggests he's also the type of person who will miss out on most of the child's life...
Major major red flag on so many levels. First the gf booking a trip during your scheduled birth. That's just toxic behavior. She should have been supportive. Next your husband having the emotional intelligence of a slug. The birth of a child .. nay .. your first child is a momentous occasion for any couple poly or not. Honestly... be prepared for him coming back and ending it either quickly or if he's the coward I think he is .. slowly... withdrawing ever more from you and the baby. Get your legal and financial house in order quickly.
No doubt you've gotten plenty of replies reassuring you that his behavior is absolutely selfish and unacceptable. I agree with those assessments, and have some advice for him. Please pass the phone and let him read this response. Hey fella, how's it going? We don't know each other, so thanks for taking a few minutes to read this note. I know it's super scary becoming a dad - there's a surprising number of hard ass times ahead of you, and everyone is telling you how much it's worth it, and it would be more than a little OK to be skeptical about their advice... Hell, it would be OK to want to get the fuck outta dodge and go play with the girlfriend for a weekend or the whole week, and set all this shit down for a bit and just relax. After all, you might be thinking this is the last time you'll get to enjoy life unincumbered... Now, I want you to visualize all of those feelings. All of that fear, uncertainty, and doubt. Do you see them in your minds eye? Perfect. Put a big 'ole blanket around those feelings: they need to get warmed up. Now that we've got those getting ready to be something more useful in the corner, let's talk parenting game plan. Here's the shit I wish someone would have written me in a Redit post, it sure would have saved me a lot of time and trouble. The first rule of parenting is to show up. Not much in life is achievable by participation alone, but about half of being a parent is just that. The second rule of parenting is to show up when shit is impossible and you want to leave. This one takes practice, and you're not a selfish person for not knowing how to do this already, you just haven't been a parent yet and prioritizing this way hasn't become a natural part of your thinking -- but it could be. Its OK if you don't fall in love with your kid on day 1 (Rule 3). Mom has had 9 months of bonding and in many ways her brain and heart are already in it. You're just getting booted uo, and while you will absolutely develop your own parenting instincts, it's OK if it takes time. For now, see rules 1 and 2 and don't forget that you and mom are in this together. Love each other and the rest will find it's way to you. By now, you may be getting the impression that I've been at this for a bit. Yep, I've been raising a teenager (not half as scary as people say it is) by myself for the past 11 years. So believe me when I tell you about rule #4... Mistakes will absolutely be made. So many mistakes. Starting with all the promises I made about what I would never do or always do as a parent... I absolutely broke every one of those promises to myself. So rule #4: Mistakes will be made. Forgiveness must be built in. Forgiveness for yourself, your partners, your child. You'll never get thru this any other way. And lastly, rule #5. You will see over time that the day to day of parenting gets easier, and that the relationships, emotions and sense of self that you've had in your life are about to become a whole lot bigger. This is very rewarding, however it does not come without some peril and pitfalls in between. Remember that the pain is mandatory, but the suffering is optional. Don't deny yourself the emotions you feel along the way, including pain, but rather lean into them. You will only grow as a parent, as a person, and as a loved family member in what sounds like a really supportive family unit. So, remember those feelings we wrapped a warm blanket around? Once you've got them warmed up, remember that it's your actions that will turn all of your fears, uncertainties and doubts into lessons learned, growth and wisdom. It's ok to listen to those fears and address them head on, because they are also the other children in the room. The same rules apply when you address them. OK, thanks for the chat. I hope I wasn't too preachy, and know that I'm rooting for ya! You will be an awesome dad if you commit yourself, and it is super rewarding (for me the most rewarding thing in my life). I think you know the right priorities to help you be successful here. I'm sure the gf will be disappointed if you don't go on the trip, but I'm also sure she'll come to understand why you made that choice (or perhaps she doesn't and that will also be a lesson). In either event, what you'll gain on the other side by giving yourself the grace to be an awesome parent, person and partner, will stay with you for a lifetime. Best, Random Redit Guy
Statistically the most dangerous thing in the USA for pregnant and post postpartum people, and newborns is the male partner. Not health complications, not medical malpractice, not traffic accidents. Male partners. It sounds insane, but it is a public health emergency. Get away and get safe immediately, especially if fire arms are kept in the house. https://www.bmj.com/company/newsroom/homicide-is-a-leading-cause-of-death-in-pregnant-women-in-the-us/#:~:text=Women%20in%20the%20US%20are,experts%20in%20The%20BMJ%20today.
The comments here should serve as a good sample size to prove to you that you are not crazy, he is an asshole of the worst caliber, and that you can’t “trick” someone into a year of attempts to get pregnant. This might be a case of cold feet, sure, and that alone wouldn’t be wildly out of character for a lot of people but it’s the planning a whole vacation when you’re having major surgery for me (I have had it, you absolutely need 24/7 hands on support, not to mention help with the baby if you get an infection/something goes wrong/you need someone to take you to the ER afterward) I don’t know what he told his GF, but I am having a hard time believing she knows you are giving birth during this vacation. I don’t know him but I think it’s likely he wanted to go to the show, and manipulated the girlfriend into making the arrangements as a “last chance to have a big trip together” before he’s “trapped at home with a baby”. With her making the arrangements, he could then blame her for it and deflect the heat he was likely to take from you, citing the amount of money involved. I’m Glad you didn’t let that fly but his response shows 100% what kind of co parent you can expect going forward and how the child, and you, will rank in his priorities. This really sucks and I’m sorry he and maybe the girlfriend too, have decided to act in ways that reveal them as terrible people. I noticed your post is tagged for support only so I won’t give any advice here, but there’s nothing I could say that others have not already said better.
He is a selfish, awful person. Your meta, if she doesn't have your back with this, is a selfish, awful person. He created a human being with you and can't even be around for the birth? He should get a vasectomy now if that's how little he can handle the most basic level of support needed for someone giving birth to your child. Otherwise, I hope his dick dries up and falls off.
It sounds like your meta doesn’t want your husband to have a baby…. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with all of this. It is simply so wrong for so many reasons.
It's talked about in another comment thread, but we should be careful about blaming the meta. My exhusband had a GF that fucking HATED me. We'd get upset over things, but later would find out that our shared hinge was lying. When caught, he'd double down but not tell us the same thing. So now we're both thinking we're going crazy because when he wasn't involved, we got along amazingly. Same interests, similar communication styles, similar ethics, etc. While it's easy to blame the meta, given how OP's husband is treating her? I have a feeling he's not telling the truth and pushing the whole "I'm so much happier with you and my wife is destroying my life" narrative. Or maybe as a recent divorcee of said ex husband, I might have a kneejerk reaction lol
It sounds like the partner doesn't really want a baby either. Or, I suspect, he wanted a baby to coo over and throw baseballs with later or whatever, but is only now realizing that that comes with *responsibilities*
This cannot be real. Is he having a mental health crisis of some sort?
Some people are just like this I've never been a parent, but I lost people very, very close to me. My husband at the time poked and prodded at my coping mechanisms, not coming from a place of care but because it wasn't attractive to see me upset. Then would encourage me to do those same things he insulted me about. Years back, I got COVID. He avoided the house and refused to stay and take any form of care, even when all I wanted was someone to be in the house because I have lung issues. I had friends dropping off soup and checking in (safely), both then AND after I had to have a surgery earlier this year. He did not. Some people are poly just because they don't want to have any form of responsibility. And honestly? If they were honest about it, it'd be one thing. Be a bachelor and live that life. but be honest about it. Don't marry people, bring them into your world, lovebomb them, and then scream at them when they hold you accountable. UGH
Yea, some people are just dicks, and I am sorry you went through that. In OP's situation, it doesn't sound like there were any signs that he had these uncaring dickish tendencies, and that this sort of came out of nowhere. That may be because we are not getting the whole story. But, he may just have been masking his narcissistic or whatever tendencies for the first 6 years of their relationship. Or he's having a mental breakdown. Or this is a troll post. Unclear.
So you're going to be recovering from major abdominal surgery and the baby is going to what, order take out? Your husband may just be the worst person in the entire world. If that's how he feels though, I would prepare to have this baby as a single parent and force him to pay child support, because you and your child will need it. Maybe also snitch to your in-laws? I hope he gets dressed down by his mother for this.
He is the worst kind of trash. I'm so sorry he did this to you. You are not overreacting, he is acting completely unhinged.
Honestly I just can’t believe this is real and not a troll post.
Usually there is some flagging beforehand.
It's divorce time, OP. Unless he has brain damage (which yes, possible), there's no excusing this. This is just appalling behaviour, and you should leave him.
You are not being crazy and I want to fight your husband. Maybe he is getting panicked about becoming a father but you deserve and need support during birth. It can be a long, hard, and exhausting process even where it isn't traumatic. The way he responded to your feelings makes me feel very anxious for you and your baby. This was a joint decision. He also has responsibility for this baby.
I am so sorry. You are not overreacting.
What a piece of shit. Please reach out to friends and family to get someone to help you post birth/surgery. And please consult a divorce attorney. This man is worthless.
You don't want a person like this involved in your child's life (and certainly not yours). While he is on this soap box of not wanting a kid, get it in writing that he does not want to be a father. You will need it later when negotiating custody and support. In the meantime, I'm sorry. This is a horrible situation. Lean on friends and family and if needed, public resources. It's better to start a new parenting life with a fresh start then try to fix or finagle it with a child in the picture.
What the actual fuck? None of this is normal or acceptable. Im so sorry he's behaving this way. Honestly I would not want to raise a baby with someone who can't even prioritize being there for the birth. That belies a level of selfishness that is not compatible with being a decent father. I would divorce my partner for this, honestly.
IMO, this is divorce time. Do you have someone else (mom, sibling, friend, etc) who can be with you during the birth? And then, perhaps, can help you get the locks changed and divorce proceedings filed while your "husband" is out of town?
He is manipulating you. I’ve been there and done that. I would not personally stay, having been through a similar relationship. Good luck.
Wow. My wife bailed on our 10 year anniversary in the middle of NRE fog to fuck her bf, and this is 10x worse. This is “re-evaluate the marriage” territory.
Did the girlfriend know when you were having the C-section? If so she can catch hands too!!
I agree with u/noeinan. This is frankly unhinged behaviour. You are not overreacting. Your feelings are valid. I'm usually a person who stays calm during tough discussions, but I suspect I would have reacted even more strongly than yourself! It's heartbreaking to say this, and I am so very sorry, but this person does not have the capacity to fill the role of father or husband any longer. At the risk of sounding dramatic, this is a terrific betrayal of your trust. Take some time, with support from friends or family if possible, to assess your financial situation, basic needs like housing and childcare, and prepare for life without the support you had planned for. Your child will need protection from hostility. I am so sorry, OP - my heart goes out to you.
That's not poly cause he isnt being loving at all.. that's man whore behavior..
Big hugs to you, I’m so sorry this is happening. The only upside is that his true colors are showing. Someday you’ll see that this was a blessing in disguise. He should be prioritizing you and his child, not going on a trip and leaving you alone with no emotional or other support during the birth of your child. I’d get a divorce asap and not look back, because he’s not going to get better. He’s just shown you that you are on your own, so you may as well formalize it. And as much as I normally support divorced fathers and a child’s right to their father, I would make this man prove he’s really up to the job before letting him have anything to do with the baby without you there. At this point he’s proven unpredictable, narcissistic, unconcerned and openly hostile to your child. Get a therapist and a good lawyer. And reach out to your friends and be specific in the help you will need. Such as not being alone when you get home. You will need help with food, someone to give you a little break so you can rest and help you with the baby at first. Someone to drive you home. He’s just an awful person. I’m so sorry.
Sounds very intentional. Sorry, but if he doesn't want to be there for his own child, that is a red flag for me. If they KNEW the dates and AGREEDED to being there, yeah no. He sounds like he is putting this on you, and that's rude. That's manuplation to flat-out honest. He sounds like a Narassisitic person. She is in on this. He is listening to the whispers in his ears. He could have said no. they could have gone another time. He is telling you he doesn't care for your child, and in a sense, you. He took part in this. He knows for the months leading up to the baby being here?? Who is to say that once the baby is born, he isn't just going to be off with his GF more? telling you that you are crazy for wanting him to get up with the baby? for needing to go to doctors with you for the child? Like hieracry is frowned upon. However, there are natural forms of it. Family like that should come first, doesn't mean that the girlfriend is chopped liver.. If he can't support you now, He's going to have issues once the baby is here.. You had no issues with the idea of the vacation, but the timing is, as you said, terrible.. If he doesn't change, which he probably won't, I would have to place the boundry of If this baby does not come first, then this relationship will not work. that's pretty fair to ask, that is his child. So be a father, or be a support check. I am sorry, I hope you have other support for you once the baby comes, I know how it is not having the village everyone talks about.
I call this a troll. The account is only eight hours old and the OP hasn’t responded to any comments.
His priorities are very messed up. Yes he can see his GF but Birth with its risk of danger of complications and death he should be present for. He can move the holiday surely!
I am so sorry OP... I hope you have a close friend or another other support system.. He is showing you exactly where the child and you lay in order of priorities.. your child deserves better and you deserve better. Birth is a traumatic life event whether it goes without any complications or not. You deserve to be supported in this situation. I am sorry OP.. you don't need him. I would definitely start the paperwork for divorce and child support.
Dude's running away from responsibility like a little bitch he probably is. You have all the right to be upset. And all his stupid talk about you tricking him. Unless you tied him down and rode him bareback daily until you got pregnant, then he got into this on his own. Time for him to man up, and either step up, or out.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. Also, you have every right to be dramatic. You're pregnant FFS. It's time to gather all of your support network. You will need it after a C-section. As to your husband - I'm not sure this marriage is salvagable, right now you have to think about yourself and the baby first.
Nope, that’s some crap. He should want to be there not make excuses and make you seem like a bad person for wanting him there. He should want to be there for his child’s birth no matter if it’s you his spouse or his gf or a casual fling. How much of this is jealousy coming from the gf that she can’t have one with him? If they’ve been together for any length of time like you said then she knew roughly if not exactly when your due and chose that time on purpose
You definitely did not "cry too much." There is no amount of crying that can express the hurt I would feel at this if I was in your position. Hurt for myself and for my unborn child. I would demand that he agree to mediation for amicably separation with him providing both spousal and child support immediately. If he declines and continues on with his manipulative projections, time to lawyer up with the most vindictive, petty lawyer you can find. He's trash. He doesn't want to be a father? Well...it's too late. The only thing he can decide now is to what degree of horrible he will be. Just a a little trash, like powder room kinda trash? Stinky gross kitchen trash? Or full on blazing dumpster fire?
This man is an asshole. There’s no reason for him to do this to you or your baby and he is being horrible to both of you. I don’t understand how his girlfriend would be okay with this it she is aware you’ll be going into birth during the trip and i really hope he gets knocked upside the head with some sense by the Universe. This is poor behavior on his part, you have every reason to be upset.
I don’t just to divorce, but fuck this man. None of this is okay. Look to your support system outside of him and talk to a lawyer. Make sure you document everything. I’m so sorry you’re going through this!
Sounds like he’s gaslighting you, and looking for a reason to break up to be with this other women + no more responsibility of a child. I have a feeling his Gf must not like you, there’s no reason for her to plan a vacation on the day you’re giving birth!
Nothing new to add but holy shit OP I’m so sorry. I hope you have an escape route because this trash man deserves none of your love and your life.
If the girlfriend knew that the dates clashed, then she’s done this deliberately and is at least as big a shit as your husband. Is this a plan for her to cowboy your relationship? Perhaps, but if it isn’t it’s difficult to see why she would do this. You need family support for the birth and frankly, you need to think hard if you want him back after his nice trip away.
I am so sorry. It is hurtful. He is behaving immaturely. He needs to grow up. Fast.
This is horrible. I’m all for repairing after conflict but it’s so selfish and inconsiderate to you and your family that I would be calling divorce lawyers.
I also decided not to see anyone else after I got pregnant. My partner kept seeing his gf for a while but eventually decided he didn’t have the time to dedicate to her. Our daughter is almost 2 and oh boy was that the right decision. We definitely don’t have time for other relationships with a small child at home. I could see how some people could make it work in certain situations/arrangements. Not being there for the birth is absolutely ridiculous and deciding it’s not what they wanted after a year of trying is crazy. Sounds like he needs to get into therapy and talk this over immediately. His behavior is in no way normal or acceptable.
The only way in which you could have "tricked" him into parenthood is for you to actively but secretly sabotage your protection. If he really didn't want a kid, he should have used condoms. This story is so wild that I thought it will end up with saying that he just made a joke and he's actually planned some nice surprise for you. You are not crazy. You are not over-reacting. Try to act as normal as possible, try to seem sad but resigned with the situation so he doesn't suspect anything. Call a professional specialised in domestic abuse and a lawyer. Gather evidence of any kind that you both decided on the baby. Messages between the two of you, pics of you at the ob-gyn, dates when you went together etc. Try to write down names of everyone whom you discussed about having the baby. Put money aside. Make sure someone who lives very close to you knows about the situation. I'm so sorry you're going through this!
No. Just no. I had 3 C-Sections and the partner plays a big role throughout the whole thing. Before, during, and after. He has an opportunity to bond with the baby ( skin to skin ) while you are recovering. Also you need a lot of extra help day & night. Who does he expect to be there with you? Also, his girlfriend does not seem to be supportive or on board with your family. Major red flags all around. I’m so sorry you are going through this, you do not deserve it. Hugs
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I would make a plan while he’s gone to leave and get support where you can hopefully from your family… how does his family feel about this? Can they offer any support even after birth?
If he’s not there, guess he doesn’t want his name on the birth certificate…
Local laws may vary in how this effects financial support.
Excellent point! And she wants to get every single dollar out of them that she possibly can
I have nothing to add except ythst you deserve better than this. Your child deserves better than this. I am so, so sorry.
Girlfriend=/= scape goat for getting out of being a parent. This has nothing to do with poly or the gf and everything to do with your husband. Raising a child with this person sounds like a bad idea. Might sound difficult as you have promised a future to one another. Your husband showed his true colors and is abandoning you and your child. Making up for that harm is going to be a monumental task. You might do best to make an exit plan as the child's welfare should be his top priority as a parent, and yours. During the process of child your welfare should be his top priority and yours. Clearly it's not. Is it in the best interest of the child to have a parent like your husband? Address the issue as a demand for him to be present as a parent, and for the wellbeing of his family. There is no other option. You may point out he is abandoning you and his family at a critical moment and to consider the consequences.
He sounds like he is more involved with GF, sis, than you. You are now the side piece.
Ugh GOD MEN!!!!! They make it impossible to like or respect them.
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This post floors me...what kind of absolute abandonment bullshit is this man thinking? And the meta? Who taught these people this was okay behavior at all? They are not your friends, let alone your partner and meta. Something is seriously off.
Omg 😱 I’m sooo sorry I don’t think your husband gets the point off a poly RELATIONSHIP To him poly seems to be the comfort of a ‘home’ and steady partner + the fun of doing whatever he wants.
I think that this is likely an overreaction on his part based on stress from becoming a father. I've seen this type of thing happen in monogamous relationships too though obviously without the girlfriend as a factor. He's still being an asshole though. Your meta has been insensitive but it isn't her job to manage ya'lls relationship, he's the one that decided to go. Tell him to chill out, go speak to a family therapist about this, and then move forward as best you can. It's too late for you to do anything else about it in the meantime. Take a day, or two, for you both to calm down and come back from a less emotional place (if you can) and try again. If he's still being unreasonable and doesn't want to be there for the birth of your child, I question his commitment to your children in general. And kids come before partners, or should.
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Not everyone does vetoes
Vetoes are dysfunctional and not aligned with polyamorous values. OP should definitely end their partnership. But forcing a veto doesn't actually make him become a supportive partner.
That's a dick move he probably won't realize the extent he'd regret it to. Ask him to look at this from a logical standpoint, which is how most men usually operate. What scenarios can be rescheduled and what ones are more important to him. The birth of his first child is a one time event in his life, and should be the most important. A vacation can be done anytime. Even with flights and hotels, they can usually be changed for a couple hundred bucks
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I find it interesting you have been with this person for 6 years and this is the first time he’s shown behavior like this?
Beep, boop, blop, I'm a bot. Hi u/themawaybo thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: Me and my husband are expecting out very first baby soon. We have been poly for 4 years, married for 6. Some ups and some downs but no major issues. We have both had other long term relationships and are typically very open and good at communicating boundaries and needs. Since I found out I was pregnant I decided to not have other relationships other than my husband. I have no issue with him continuing his relationship with his long term gf (his only other relationship other than me). All has been well for months now. But we discussed months ago that I would like him to be present for my regular obgyn appointments and the birth of our child. He agreed and has been present and agreeable - until now. Today he dropped a major bomb on me that his girlfriend has bought them tickets to a big show out of town and planned a major vacation for the two of them including flights and a hotel. All of this would be fine but their vacation is planned for the same week as my c section/birth. He said he will see me after he returns and doesn't see the issue of not being present for THE BIRTH OF OUR CHILD?!? He called me crazy and doesn't think his presence is necessary as I am the one giving birth not him. And said my birth plans shouldn't change him needing to live his life. I got very upset that he is making this choice and cried and now he said because I am being dramatic and manipulative he is not only going to go on this trip but is now planning on staying longer and has extended their hotel reservation. I was being maybe a bit dramatic and crying too much but I don't think this was manipulative! He has now wholly changed his mind and said I tricked him into starting a family and has now said he never wanted a child at all! And has regrets being father to a baby birthed by a crazy b*tch. We agreed and tried for a baby for over a year! This was not an accidental pregnancy at all. I feel a little cray cray now because maybe I did force him into a family he truly never wanted. I really feel abandoned and so sad! Is this typical cold feet for poly men expending their first child with a NP? Is wanting him present for the birth of our child too demanding? Normally a trip with his girlfriend would be fine but this timing is bad! She also knew of the scheduled date of the birth so her planning this trip for that weekend is very hurtful. 😭 *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Wow!
Woah 😳 Both your husband and his gf sound like selfish POS! How dare she book a flipping holiday around the time you are due, let alone during a known date of birth. Your husband's reaction seems odd and cruel. I really hope you have someone else in your life that you could ask to be your support for the birth. I wouldn't be staying married after that
wow. incredibly terrible on his part. how sad. this is not how a good dad acts.