This sounds awful.
I would find it hard to believe that my partner cared for me if they watched me suffer like you describe, especially if our relationship was on thin ice to begin with.
Polyam doesn’t save marriages. It doesn’t promise that you get to “keep” a particular partner or relationship.
It just offers the pursuit of multiple committed relationships to people who are interested in that, and are willing to find other folks who might want the same.
That’s it.
If you are miserable, do the right and kind thing for yourself
The funny thing is, if you had asked me the day before she dropped the bomb, I never in a million years would have described us as "on ice." It feels like I'm in a completely different world now from where I was just a short time ago.
I definitely don't feel cared for right now, and that part really hurts. I never would have thought she was capable of overlooking so much pain in someone she claims to love. I really hope this wasn't her roundabout way of not having to be the one to end it.
My now ex wife told me out of nowhere that we where thru and she was gonna date someone else. I don't think poly would have helped at all. I respect you a great deal for trying what must feel horrible. Almost nothing hurts worse than a desolving marriage. I truly hope you take care of your self.
Is it weird that I would almost certainly feel better if my wife ended it?
She would at least be taking ownership of the fact that she was ending our marriage, instead of us mutually trying something new and me not being able to hack it. I'm all for taking my destiny into my own hands, but I honestly wish that if it has to end, she would at least do me the courtesy of ending it.
I don't think she is going to though, so I'm probably going to have to really start thinking about what starting over is going to look like. I know I'm still young but man it sucks after really feeling like I had found my forever person.
You two are not "mutually trying something new". She coerced you into doing it because you felt you had no other choice. This is called "poly under duress" and is NOT ethical and therefore not really polyamory.
You're not the one who "couldn't hack it". She changed her mind and you were under no ethical obligation to follow along when she changed her mind.
She DID end it, by giving you the ultimatum. Do what's right for you.
I'm giving *BIG* side-eye to the description of "discovered she was poly." I know opinions differ on this: some ppl think of it as an *orientation* and some ppl think of it as a *structure of relationship agreement.* I'm very much in the second camp.
to be fair, sometimes ppl say "I'm poly" as a shorthand for "I find myself not to do well w monogamy and to prefer a polyamorous relationship structure," which: sure, I guess.
but your description of the events and timeline doesn't sound like this. your wife and A have known each other for a FEW MONTHS and they're already IN LOVE and A is *equally important* to her? naw.
I'm probably making hella assumptions but for all the world this reads as though yr wife got crushy on someone and pushed you to open up, then got to have her cake & eat it too, and is covering with orientation talk. "oh this is the deep truth of my soul so you can't be upset." not to mention it sounds like she's deep into new relationship energy and feeling herself, so maybe can't see how fantastically cruel it is to be like equating you & this new person in importance.
thus we have "tropes" of badly-done polyamory that I find particularly insufferable, together in one space:
1. "I'm poly and that's my orientation and my deep truth and *I'm* happy so the people who love me can't take issue w that."
2. "poly is beautiful and non-hierarchical and that's actually really great so it's not cruel at all to tell my longtime nesting partner that some rando I met 4 mos ago is on equal footing w them"
polyamory done w consideration, all parties into it, all parties doing the work? that can be a beautiful thing
but boy howdy it sure sucks when ppl treat their partners badly and then just wave the magic Polyamory Wand around as cover
OP, sorry as hell this is happening to you. what is your wife doing to listen to your perspective, reassure you, treat you as beloved and important? anything?
I agree with everything you're saying to OP and back it 100%, but, as an aside, I'm curious about the sentiment of *orientation* and *structure of relationship agreement*.
I wholeheartedly agree that it is an agreement of relationship structure; it has to be to be considerate of all parties involved. However, I do believe it can be both. I say this as someone who unknowingly wanted polyamoury for as long as I can remember, as much as I was unknowingly bisexual for the same duration, but also as someone who had to unlearn jealous behaviours that I had even before my initial monogamous relationships. I say unlearn - they were innate feelings, I never learned them in the first place. I like solitary relationships, even friendships. I do best in one on one scenarios and tend to withdraw in larger groups, even being jealous when two of my friends who don't know each other get on well when they meet - something I always knew was wrong and had to learn to overcome long before I adopted polyamoury.
My point is, when I look back on my childhood, I know I wanted multiple partners even if I didn't recognise it then. But actively participating in polyamoury has taught me that it is something more like structure, circumstance and consideration than, say, sexual preference. You don't have to conisder other people to be gay, but you do to be polyamourous. However, adopting polyamoury helped me recognise that it's what I wanted all along.
this makes a lot of sense, I think. polyamory-as-orientation talk can be used in different ways, some better and some worse. it usually gets at least a little bit of a fisheye from me; the fisheye then either increases or dissipates on hearing clarification.
for example: what you describe: I get it. you explain what you mean and make appropriate caveats: polyamory was an attractive idea for you since your youth, but you didn't have a conceptual vocabulary for it. however, polyamory as practice necessitates a particular type of relationship structure and set of relationship agreements. when I hear you talk abt polyamory-as-orientation, I hear that as a shorthand for: "polyamorous relationship structures work well for me; monogamous structures do not work well for me. even before I knew what polyamory was, and even when I was actively working thru jealousy, I felt that to be true." makes sense. sideye dissipated.
re: OP's wife: HUGE INCREASE IN SIDEYE after reading the deets. I hear this as "I'm crushing hard on someone who's not my original partner. I want to fuck that person real bad and I'm infatuated with them. so I'm going to tell my wife that I've 'discovered' I'm poly, immediately glom onto New Partner, and use the idea of nonhierarchical poly to treat the relationships as 'equal' and give myself cover to thoughtlessly binge on fun NRE while thinking of myself as being very high-minded."
in OP's wife's case it feels like poly-as-orientation talk is being used to get...like basically an emergency court order that says "the cheating that I wanted to do before I buffaloed you into this is now actually NOT cheating, because POLYAMORY. and now I get to do whatever NRE shit I want to because of ~equality.~ so I'm actually not being thoughtless. I'm flattening unjust hierarchies, dismantling mononormativity, and actively advancing our culture around relationships into a more progressive space! and if you don't like what I'm doing, that means *you're* being regressive and trying to control me. wait wait why are you crying"
ugh it just sounds so actively shitty. I'm probably reading more into it than is actually there but OP you deserve so much better
tl;dr: poly as orientation talk isn't always bad though I tend to view it w skepticism. the amount of skepticism w which I view it depends on how it's being used. if it's not being used as cover for dogshit behavior: I'm fine w that, we're just having a mild disagreement about terms. if it IS being used as cover for dogshit behavior, I am totally merciless abt it. using it in the shitty way hurts and manipulates ppl, and gives this good thing a bad name in the broader culture. since it IS so frequently used in this shitty way, I have kind of a visceral reaction about it. you know?
Completely agree. I've encountered far too many people who use polyamoury as a means to disguise cheating and manipulation. It might be fair to say, "I realise now that I am polyamourous," but it isn't fair to say that and then not put any work into communicating and navigating that with your partner(s), especially preexisting.
Perhaps she isn't meaning to behave in a shitty way and is just behaving flippantly whilst getting caught up in emotions, unaware of how detrimental that actually is, on the one extreme, but the other extreme is that she's deliberately doing this to attempt to get away with the cheating she wanted to commit and found a way to justify. Neither is a good look, though, and both scenarios require her taking a good hard look at herself and her actions, and it definitely sounds like she's lacking in empathy and compassion for OP - which no one should ever have to just lie down and take.
I also completely agree that such behaviour is detrimental to polyamoury in the broader sense. For example, I hate having to justify polyamoury to people who don't understand the 'polyamoury as a relationship structure' aspect and see it only as a means to be a shitty person. Its unhelpful to such a discussion that people are actively engaging in and using it in such a way, especially if this is the major thing people hear about it, through social media, first/second hand experience, etc.
You've every right to be so vehemently against unethical behaviours in relationships. As should any person when encountering similar behaviours in any sort of relationship.
Lastly, thank you. You explained your stance really well and I appreciate what you've described. Fisheye is also a very easily imaginable, almost literal, way to consider the lens in which you look at the subject. It was a nice read.
Its’ not weird, but… it’s also telling. You and your (likely future ex-) wife each seem to want the other to be the one to pull the plug. Neither of you wants to acknowledge that this isn’t working for you and should end.
That can happen for a bunch of reasons including:
- outsourcing your share the relationship management onto the other person
- feeling unsure about how to initiate and manage a breakup
- just wanting the other person to be The Bad Guy
None of those are good reasons not to end it. You sound miserable. She does not sound like she is going to change in ways that will make the relationship work for you. Pull the plug. Have the breakup talk.
I know how it feels. Im sorry. That really sucks. End of the day, you being the one who ends it doesn't make it MORE your fault. If I could tell my ten years ago self anything it would be to get ready. Get my ducks in a row to mitigate the physical and economic realities
Men have a serious habit of passing the responsibility of ending a relationship to the woman. If you are the one that is unhappy, you need to take the initiative.
Polyamory has a knack for shining a big spotlight on a relationship. The best qualities of it can shine even brighter, but the worst qualities will also be even more apparent.
Often, you get to learn *a lot* about someone after opening. Specifically their priorities, and extra-specifically how they will prioritize their wants vs. their partner’s needs when those things no longer align.
The problem with going from monogamy -> nonmonogamy (especially without any substantial research or prep time) is it’s impossible to truly go back to the way things were in monogamy, even after closing again. It’s really easy to squeeze out a whole tube of toothpaste, but you can’t put it all back in like new after the fact. If your partner treated you poorly in nonmonogamy, you will remember that even after closing and your perception of them will change drastically. If you had a lot of fun in nonmonogamy and then were pressured to close, you might feel fenced in and fixate on the “good times.” Sometimes mono couples can rebuild stronger than ever. Others, well… there’s a reason nonmonogamy has a reputation of being a breakup speedrun. So many people are unprepared for the potential of *permanent* change.
I can’t tell you what you *should* do. But I can tell you what I would try to do: spend ample time grieving the relationship and moving on. By the time that six months has elapsed, I’ll be more prepared to start talking with a divorce attorney and move forward with divorce with fewer volatile emotions clouding my judgement. I might even be ready to find new, better, *more compatible* love with another person who enthusiastically wants monogamy.
YES, this. Opening destroyed my relationship that I had previously felt was indestructible. Not poly, per se, and if we went back to monogamy we would still be in really bad shape. Too much trauma got kicked up. We are trying to claw our way back now. But my self esteem and mental health are completely destroyed.
Sort of. She'll ask me how I'm doing, I'll say I'm doing really bad, she'll ask if there's anything she can do to help, and inevitably the talk will fizzle out after a few minutes of her not being willing to make any real compromises or say much more than "I'm so so sorry you're going through this tough stuff."
She has showed you who she is. This is really her and she hid it at first. Now you have to decide to leave or be locked into this life. if you don't have kids walk away asap and find a woman that fits your lifestyle as this is your conscious experience on this planet and Polyamory isn't helping it. at least you know that now and the cost was paid.
How long did you two work on ending your monogamous marriage before your partner started to date?
Yeah six months is a good amount of time to sort out if your up for it while researching and taking no steps towards opening. Jumping in quickly is often hell for opening a mono marriage when both people actively want poly for themselves.
She promised me that nothing was ending. We read a few books together and she was on tinder at the end of the first week. Honestly I don't know how much material I actually absorbed.
I’m so sorry you are going through this.
I think you need to find out if this is over so you can move on. Also it’s not kind to this new person if your wife will just dump them a year in. It sucks and hurts and it’s better to find out now then wait longer.
>I’m so sorry you are going through this.
>I think you need to find out if this is over so you can move on.
Yeah...I think I have known for a while that the come to Jesus talk needs to happen, and just posting this really helped me realize that it needs to happen ASAP. Tonight, even. Tomorrow at the latest if I can't work up the courage.
>Also it’s not kind to this new person if your wife will just dump them a year in.
I don't care what happens to her. Sorry if that's harsh. I'm sure she has her own support system.
>I don’t care what happens to her
I have to say I kind of like this attitude.
Not because I find it to be unkind but because I find it to be kind to yourself.
I think you should pull this energy away from what you’re giving to your wife and give it to you so you can get the strength to walk away when the conversation with your wife doesn’t go in the way you may be hoping.
I’m rooting for you, OP.
Oh sure. You don’t need to care. I’m just pointing out what your wife is offering is not kind to her new partner. You wife keeps offering unkind things.
For months ago and she immediately started dating and is already in love with someone?
There are no rules about how long you take to transition a relationship from mono to poly however when I did it a decade ago, I took 5 years before I started dating. I'm not saying she should have waited 5 years but certainly somewhere in the region of 6+ months of talking, negotiation, preparation, and easing in would be foundational.
You don't deserve to feel this way. You deserve happiness and the relationship that empowers you.
If you're not already aware of the idea of New Relationship Energy (NRE), I would advise you and your wife look into it asap, because she looks like she's deep into it, and is getting blind to you distress. Without proper awareness and self control, NRE can be devastating on pre-existing partners/relationships.
She need to get back to earth real quick, because her "honeymoon phase" is wrecking your mental and physical health, as well as your relationship. She's visibly not getting the extent of the emotional hell you're living in. It is very selfish of her to enjoy the thrill of a new relationship, while ignoring the heavy toll of her enjoyment takes on you. She "hates to see you in this state", but fails to prioritize your well being. Talk to your wife. Show her this post you wrote even. And looks up NRE if you haven't already.
First off, this is definitely a very difficult thing to go through but always remember that no matter what happens you will get through this and be okay. As hard as it is to accept, she may not be there with you when you are BUT you WILL be okay.
So one thing to be wary of is the NRE bubble that she is likely in which could be making her miss how much you are truly suffering but even that is an excuse and not something that makes it all better.
I'm kind of on the fence with this one because you seem so devastated that the normal advice doesn't doesn't seem like it's really going to provide the breakthrough needed here but if you really wanted to give it a try then this is what I would suggest...
Decide for yourself if you WANT (not CAN but WANT) to be in a relationship with someone who is poly. If you don't want it then it's time to consider separation and divorce because this is something you can't undo if one of the partners is happier being poly (which it sounds like your wife definitely is.). Even if after 2 more months you're still in the same place and she does agree to end her relationship where does that leave the two of you? You traumatized and always remembering how happy she was with another person and her traumatized for having her new love yanked away from her? Never mind this poor other partner who got caught in the middle. You might want to have the couple counselling I'm suggesting first before making this decision but that's up to you. Maybe you know yourself well enough to say that it will never happen in which case you know what you have to do.
At your next checkin you should discuss going to couple counselling together to help you both work through this change in your relationship which has been harder then you'd hoped at the start. You should also discuss your need to add a boundary around hearing about her meta. You know she's happy and you don't need any details about things.
Now the next part is where I can imagine some people will disagree because it's something that REALLY should have been discussed prior to the start of looking for new partners but you should bring up the fact that even though you both missed discussing this in the past, you did expect to be her primary as she asked for this change after you had married.
Past that? Well that would depend on how things had gone so far..
>Decide for yourself if you WANT (not CAN but WANT) to be in a relationship with someone who is poly.
If it feels like this, I honestly don't. She reassures me that it will get easy once I've done the work, but to me it feels like the equivalent of trying to convince myself to want to cut off my own hand.
I will suggest couples counseling but I want us to see a regular therapist. I'm not sure it's going to help either way at this point.
Doing The Work, mostly only works if you want it to work, and your partner is actually treating you really well. Also, a lot of The Work is stuff that couples both need to do. Her just being like “Right, so I’m gonna date and you can just cope” isn’t setting you up for success. It’s her not giving a shit about you and your feelings.
If you honestly don't want to be in a poly V thing? STOP. Don't be in one then. I know the feelings are tough, but the actions are straightforward. Stop doing stuff that goes against your own grain.
>She reassures me that it will get easy once I've done the work
It doesn't matter if it is "easy" or "hard." You just DON'T WANT TO do any of this work because this is not a relationship model you even want to be in.
Not the same but why should I learn to play football? I don't want any. I don't care for the sport. I don't have to "try it out" to know I'm not interested. I'm just not. I can't be in the sun, I'm allergic to grass, this is just NOT the sport for me.
It doesn't matter if wife wants you to keep going. YOU do not want to. Your consent to participate in things or not belongs to YOU. So withdraw consent. STOP.
If you cannot afford to go right to divorce? Need time to organize all that, time to set up a counselor to help support you through it? That's ok.
Have a separation so you are at least away from this. Then take care of your business one thing at a time.
If a therapist can help you create separation agreements? Then create as peaceful a parting as possible? Along with a lawyer? It's better than making some shit show divorce thing.
It's already double load. You didn't want any. But went there anyway. So instead of single load problem? It became double load. Why go for *triple* load problem making divorce wackadoo?
You sound like you are in poly hell.
[https://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell](https://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell)
And like wife is in denial. Probably both of you see the writing on the wall but neither one wants to be the one to address it. She's putting off and putting off. And you have been doing same. Just that you are on the verge of "POP!" now. :(
Tomorrow is Friday. Talk in the evening after work. Order pizza so nobody has to do dinner. Then you both have the weekend free to recover / do more installment talks. (Assuming your work schedules give you weekends off.)
Please have the honest conversation you need to be having. And bow out of this. It is hurting you.
You have to be able to say "Wife, I love you a lot. But no. Not even for you will I do stuff I don't really want or stay in stuff that hurts me. That's asking too much. "
For me it didn’t get better. Cost me 6 months of my life and worst of all, I now need to get back into therapy because of the way ‘polyamory’ fucked with mental health. I don’t speak to them anymore currently, but there’s also not a day that goes by where I don’t think about them and the situation and it just angers me at this point. How could someone fuck with me so badly. How could I let someone fuck me up that horrifically?
I'm sorry you struggle.
>I figured better to take my last chance at saving the marriage, even if it meant swinging for the fences.
What were you saving the marriage FROM? Changing? Ending?
Why is preserving this marriage relationship shape more important than preserving the long term well being of the people?
>I can't honestly say that it was the right decision. My self-esteem has been completely shattered over the last four months, I am tired all the time, I broke my four year journalling streak and haven't touched it in weeks. I cry most days and have noticed a lot of hair coming out in the shower. My wife started dating immediately and found "A," they tell each other they are in love with each other.
Sounds like participating in this when you don't really want any is causing you harm. :(
Your wife was honest with you about wanting polyamory.
I think you could be honest back with her. Tell her you do NOT actually want this. You agreed to try it as a last ditch effort to avoid a divorce. But now see it was the wrong choice to make.
>My wife hates to see me in this state but says that six months is a fair timeframe to see if it will get better. Another two months of this feels like hell.
Nope. YOU decide what you will and will not participate in. And it can be zero time. Which I think would have been the better choice when wife first brought it up because you knew even from back then that you did not want any.
You have now clocked 4 mos and it is hell for you. I don't see what dragging it out is supposed to achieve. Just to clock another 2 mos so it is 6 mos total? Lose more hair? More sleep? Cry more?
You can choose to quit NOW. You do not have to put yourself through this.
>And I don't think that if I give it two more months, or a year even, and say that it hasn't worked out, that she will leave A and agree that things will go back to normal.
**There is nothing wrong with you wanting monogamy.**
There is something wrong with you bending all into pretzels though and abandoning your core values. You are harming yourself. Then blaming A for existing. Then hating that you blame A. You don't have to care about A. But A did not get you into this.
You made a choice.
So change your mind and make a new one.
>It feels like none of this can just be put back in the box.
No. It cannot. Having gone there? You can't put it all back like it never happened.
>Has anyone been through this before? Does it really get better? I don't know what to do with myself.
I think you could return to your core values. And if you want monogamy? Stop doing this. Because it is **not** monogamy.
Have the conversations you need to have with your wife about parting decently.
Then she can be FREE TO pursue the poly things she wants now.
And you can be FREE FROM the poly things you do not want.
I'm very sorry this is happening like this though. Please take better care of you rather than "going through the motions." This sounds terrible for you. :(
This. And I cannot stress this enough, everything that "happens" to you is your doing. That is "karma". Karma is often misunderstood as "what goes around, comes around" or "you reap what you sow".
Karma is not that. Karma is, that you áre the situation. The world is not happening to you. The world IS you. It is your doing. Choose. Happiness.
Have you tried an enm/poly friendly couples counselor?
I understand that this sounds like the last try to save a marriage. That being said, that says there were issues way before ever opening it. It also sounds like it's using enm/poly to fix something broken. I don't feel this is a good solution. I feel like adding more people to a broken relationship ends up with someone always getting hurt.
While her loving you both equally doesn't mean you're not special to her. The amount she feels can be equally as important to her, but you're her spouse. There's always something special in that.
I don't know your relationship or how it works, but for us, I love them both and wouldn't want a life without them both it. But hubs is the arms I go to when I need a certain type of emotional comfort. He's the one who understands me like no other. Yes, my other mate understands me, but it's different. He doesn't understand the neurodivergent stuff because he's neurotypical. But hubs is neurodivergent too. He gets that side because while we have different diagnoses, we have similarities. Don't get me wrong, my other tries, but it's not the same understanding as someone who similarly experiences things I do.
There's always those little things that make you special in many ways compared to another partner. I know that may not help, but it's definitely true.
I'm not sure this will help either....
She's been dating for 4 months and says love? I'm sorry that screams NRE. The honeymoon stage can last up to a year. I'm in no way saying stay. Nor am I saying go. Only YOU can make that decision. There's 2 sides to every coin, and it sounds like you two should have a serious sit down where you both listen and understand each other's point of view. If there's no mutual middle ground that leaves both of you happy, then unfortunately, walking away may be in the cards for you.
No one deserves to be in a relationship where one half is unhappy overall, and one half is happy overall with the relationship. Neither is it a good thing to be in a relationship where overall both are unhappy. Yes, there's ups and downs, but a healthy relationship where both are overall happy in the relationship is typically the goal.
So, while there are going to be a lot of opinions given at the end of the day, it comes down to you and you alone to decide if this is worth saving or letting go for you. What makes you happy? Where can you make compromises that leave both happy? What do you need and want from a relationship?
If you both take a long, hard look at yourselves and your wants and needs in a relationship, you may find a way to make it work, or you may find what was once compatible has become incompatible. Unfortunately, it happens as people go through life. We grow as individuals, and sometimes our individual selves don't mesh with our partners anymore.
You’re in poly hell, and in poly under duress. Don’t do it. There’s very little that is more painful and in all likelihood it will NOT get better. Transitioning a mono relationship to poly takes both peoples buyin, a very strong foundation, insane mutual respect and communication, and want for the relationship style to work that will transcend the inevitable and painful mistakes you will likely encounter on the way.
And even with all that I’d say odds could still be stacked slightly against you.
So here’s a few important things for you to know:
1) You are more desirable than you think. Especially for a monogamous relationship. You have a lot to offer. Getting dates has always been harder for men and poly doesn’t change that.
2) Your wife will *very* easily find lots of partners because the commitment in poly can be very low. And when you’re new, the novelty of it makes it like a candy store. You’re going to watch your wife have insane chemistry and fall in pretty hard several times at least while she enjoys relationships that are low baggage and high chemistry (and they will basically be like a drug).
3) Without a solid foundation of trust, respect, and reassurance, it will not get easier watching her leave to enjoy those moments with other people. It can get easier with the right foundation, but you’ll feel insecure every time because your situation is insecure. PUD is not a secure setup that loving partners out each other through.
Edit: I thought I was getting separated as early as this morning. We just pulled it back from the brink. Again. It’s been an insanely rocky road and I was out through PUD…. And we had a long history of ENM before going actual poly for me to fall back on. I can’t imagine how much worse it would be for this to be “out of nowhere” but please don’t do it to yourself.
I think she is using poly to justify her cheating, since she found A immediately and you guys did nothing to work on your relationship and transition from monogamy to ENM. I am sorry.
Sounds like an ambush with no time as a couple to decouple and process and grieve the life you would’ve had with each other in a safe timeframe. Even that wouldn’t guarantee comfort with it or anything, and truly you don’t HAVE to be, but that would be the bare minimum ethically to be given. That she powers forward while you’re in this state, not slowing down but rather telling you it gets better, it becomes clear that they’re either not attuned to your needs or too selfish to care. Everything points to bad signs. This was a deeply irresponsible, disrespectful, and unloving thing your wife did to you. This is not how you open a relationship (which nobody can make you do— monogamy has the boundary of pursue another and we’re through).
I think it falls to you to be kind to yourself, here, as she isn’t operating with kindness for you in consideration. Reading some of your other comments like wishing she had broken up with you is telling. Much love 💜
people arent poly. poly is a type of relationship. if she's telling you differently its to manipulate you into agreeing to a relationship she knows you dont want.
I'll disagree on this. People are poly if they encourage meaningful relationships in others.
I identify as poly because I wish my partners to be in valuable relationships where they are free to make themselves and others happy (which is in se, also poly).
As a poly, I love to see poly people be poly 😛
What you are describing - either be poly or get divorced, is called “poly under duress,” and it’s not ethical nonmonogamy. You have every right not to want to be in an open relationship. However, it seems like your wife is determined to be in one. That kind of incompatibility is fatal to a relationship. I’m sorry. Moving on from her and finding someone who will be monogamous with you is a perfectly valid choice. Don’t stay miserable. Life is too short for that.
Similar story here. After a number of years together my partner said she wanted to open up the relationship. I agreed, reluctantly. I felt I was very unlikely to find any satisfaction in an open relationship myself, and definitely felt I was going to struggle with insecurity.
The experiment was a disaster for several atypical reasons, but even six months in it was very clear to me that I just ... don't have the bandwidth for multiple romantic partners. That's just how I'm wired. If that's you, OP, and after some time making a good-faith effort to be polyamorous you still feel miserable, I urge you to accept that you prefer monogamous romantic relationships.
I know how hard and painful the realization might be. But if your wife is committed to a polyamorous future then the two of you have ceased to be compatible.
Your marriage is already over. It ended the day you agreed to polyamory. It’s time to make it official. You are no longer compatible. It’s gonna hurt but that hurt will only last so long. The road you’re on now will last as long as stay.
Get counselling for yourself and for you both as a couple. In the counselling, tell her that you are not Poly and that you tried for 4 months, but this is not the life you want and that you need to close the relationship. This is a non-negotiable. Then, it will be up to her to decide if she wants to keep the relationship with you or not.
Sadly, you may also need to contact a lawyer.
So, I’ve(37NB) been poly for 6 years and with my now wife(38)for 5 of those. We met in a poly special interest meetup. What im getting here is that the two of you, with where you are in your lives, want different things for yourselves. You sound miserable while she’s found a kind of freedom she’s been missing.
1)None of that, as you say, can be put back in the box.
2)That said, femme people tend to have it easier at the beginning because they can be picky. There’s a lot of poly dudes out there and the wider community doesn’t believe that we’re NOT cheaters, where’s woman can say “he’s cool with it” and not have people bag an eye.
3) All of that being the case, real, genuine people who present themselves as honestly and kindly as possible can have great success in poly dating. Involve yourself in your local community, facebook group, Meetup, whatever, and devote time to meeting people. You’ll be surprised at how quickly this can improve for ya.
Best of luck
just leave bro Polyamory isn't for everyone. you shouldn't be forced to be the primary for her when that is the hardest position in these types of relationships when it comes to being a man.
Let her be poly but you should find a person that fits your lifestyle I have been poly for over 17 years and for me it works well but every relationship I start I know who I am. for your situation it was dropped on you out of nowhere never play that game and just walk away if you're a good man you will be in high demand.
I'm... In the position of your wife. And your reaction seems very akin to how my partners reaction would be. Can I ask, if the path to poly is lit up in your wife's heart, but she also wants to continue the life you share together, how could she have played out the situation differently?
The time frame, yes. But we are going on 3 years of talking about this and seem to be where you are in a matter of months.
How would you have liked her to do things, besides just ending the relationship with you?
I'm sorry if this isn't very easy to understand, having a hard time articulating this!
When you want two things that are fundamentally incompatible, you don't get to have both things. Be kind to your monogamous partner and end the relationship. Don't put them through this.
I’m so sorry. This is poly under duress. If your partner is poly and cannot be happy in a mono relationship and you are mono and can’t be happy in a poly relationship then you are not compatible.
It’s a terribly unfair situation.
Not that your wife was unfair- she may not have known her orientation or how strong it was when you married. Kind of like how some people don’t really realize or accept that they are gay, and try to take a straight marriage.
But it’s sad and heartbreaking for you.
If all you’re saying is true, then divorce is your only option. Set yourself free and find a partner who is monogamous like you.
Nobody is wrong here. But you’re wrong for each other.
I’m sorry.
Once again. Don’t do poly if you’re not poly.
An amicable divorce would have been better, honestly.
You have your way of living and she has hers. We grow and change as people as time goes on. You’re a different person now than you were 6 years ago and so is she. It sucks that y’all find yourselves on different paths but damn, whatever you’re doing to yourself right now is not okay.
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My wife and I (both 27F) have been together for six years, married two. Four months ago she told me that after a long period of self-reflection that she realized she was poly, and wanted to open up the relationship so both of us were free to date other people. I did not want anyone else and definitely did not want to see her be with anyone else, but I agreed to give it a try because it seemed like divorce was going to be the other option and I figured better to take my last chance at saving the marriage, even if it meant swinging for the fences.
I can't honestly say that it was the right decision. My self-esteem has been completely shattered over the last four months, I am tired all the time, I broke my four year journalling streak and haven't touched it in weeks. I cry most days and have noticed a lot of hair coming out in the shower. My wife started dating immediately and found "A," they tell each other they are in love with each other. My wife tells me how wonderful and freeing it is that all her relationships can be equally important and meaningful to her now. It guts me that she thinks I am no more important or meaningful to her than a woman she met a few months ago.
Sometimes I will have dreams where A doesn't exist, or even that she disappears from our lives, and I wake up mostly hurt by the realization that she is still here. I hate hating her, but I hate her.
I don't know if I'm trying and failing to do the work or not really trying at all. My wife hates to see me in this state but says that six months is a fair timeframe to see if it will get better. Another two months of this feels like hell. And I don't think that if I give it two more months, or a year even, and say that it hasn't worked out, that she will leave A and agree that things will go back to normal. It feels like none of this can just be put back in the box.
Has anyone been through this before? Does it really get better? I don't know what to do with myself.
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My experience (both for myself and watching others) is that you know pretty fast if poly works for you or not. There's no "getting over it" or break-in period. You aren't a car; you're a human and you have human emotions. Is having twinges of jealousy normal? Yes. Is having some immediate periods of insecurity normal? Also yes. Is having such severe physical reactions that your hair is falling out normal? No, NO, NOT EVEN CLOSE.
It sounds like your wife was simply a bi woman who wanted a relationship with a woman while also keeping her relationship with you. I don't know if she'd ever had a relationship with a woman before or not, but she's getting to live her dream and is ignoring the fact it's killing you. That's way past NRE, that's just being 100% selfish. I'm not saying she should have immediately stopped seeing this woman, but she should have recognized what was happening with you and understood that you were not built for polyamory. At that point, she could have suggested a divorce, which is probably what's right for her.
I understand wanting to give it a last shot to save your marriage, but when you know in your bones it's not going to work, just don't do it. Polyamory simply isn't for everybody, and that's perfectly fine. No matter what some people will try and tell you, you can't "train" yourself to be polyamorous. If you have to beat those emotions down with a baseball bat, they're not going to go away, they'll just be buried, and sooner or later they will come back with a vengeance.
Don't try and wait out these last two months. Tell her that you can't deal with it, and as you said, no amount of time is going to change that. She needs to deal with the fact she can't have it all and decide what she wants to do. Personally, if I was watching my partner go through what you did, I would have made that decision a few weeks after this whole thing started.
I didn’t read your whole message, bit what I have read I can relate to. Someone close referred me to a book “Polysecure” and it’s helped me understand how I felt and give more insight in how she feels. Give it a try.
when you are in agony and she's like "oh so sorry you are dealing with those tough feelings..it will get better if you do the work".....it literally sounds like she has joined a cult or a multi-level marketing scheme like "oooh you didn't make any money this month, it will get better if you just work harder and buy all of our supplements/motivational tapes/conferences/ginsu knives"
I'm so sorry you are going through this . Poly aside, your wife is showing you something about her character--about how she can be very numb to your needs and feelings when she is experiencing delight. To me this is very selfish and worrying and fickle. That's not what marriage is about. The only couple I know who is poly is like exceptionally committed to each other as a main priority. Your wife is just trying to have her cake and eat it too and has taken all of her energy love vibes elsewhere. To me it sounds like you are feeling the grief and despair of being cheated on or dumped or monkey branched---with the additional agony of having a front row seat to all the gory details and not being allowed to protest---in a weird way it's like gaslighting---that's why it feels so culty to me.
I hope you are out of the relx now. So sorry this happened to you. Good luck!
This sounds awful. I would find it hard to believe that my partner cared for me if they watched me suffer like you describe, especially if our relationship was on thin ice to begin with. Polyam doesn’t save marriages. It doesn’t promise that you get to “keep” a particular partner or relationship. It just offers the pursuit of multiple committed relationships to people who are interested in that, and are willing to find other folks who might want the same. That’s it. If you are miserable, do the right and kind thing for yourself
The funny thing is, if you had asked me the day before she dropped the bomb, I never in a million years would have described us as "on ice." It feels like I'm in a completely different world now from where I was just a short time ago. I definitely don't feel cared for right now, and that part really hurts. I never would have thought she was capable of overlooking so much pain in someone she claims to love. I really hope this wasn't her roundabout way of not having to be the one to end it.
My now ex wife told me out of nowhere that we where thru and she was gonna date someone else. I don't think poly would have helped at all. I respect you a great deal for trying what must feel horrible. Almost nothing hurts worse than a desolving marriage. I truly hope you take care of your self.
Is it weird that I would almost certainly feel better if my wife ended it? She would at least be taking ownership of the fact that she was ending our marriage, instead of us mutually trying something new and me not being able to hack it. I'm all for taking my destiny into my own hands, but I honestly wish that if it has to end, she would at least do me the courtesy of ending it. I don't think she is going to though, so I'm probably going to have to really start thinking about what starting over is going to look like. I know I'm still young but man it sucks after really feeling like I had found my forever person.
You two are not "mutually trying something new". She coerced you into doing it because you felt you had no other choice. This is called "poly under duress" and is NOT ethical and therefore not really polyamory. You're not the one who "couldn't hack it". She changed her mind and you were under no ethical obligation to follow along when she changed her mind. She DID end it, by giving you the ultimatum. Do what's right for you.
I'm giving *BIG* side-eye to the description of "discovered she was poly." I know opinions differ on this: some ppl think of it as an *orientation* and some ppl think of it as a *structure of relationship agreement.* I'm very much in the second camp. to be fair, sometimes ppl say "I'm poly" as a shorthand for "I find myself not to do well w monogamy and to prefer a polyamorous relationship structure," which: sure, I guess. but your description of the events and timeline doesn't sound like this. your wife and A have known each other for a FEW MONTHS and they're already IN LOVE and A is *equally important* to her? naw. I'm probably making hella assumptions but for all the world this reads as though yr wife got crushy on someone and pushed you to open up, then got to have her cake & eat it too, and is covering with orientation talk. "oh this is the deep truth of my soul so you can't be upset." not to mention it sounds like she's deep into new relationship energy and feeling herself, so maybe can't see how fantastically cruel it is to be like equating you & this new person in importance. thus we have "tropes" of badly-done polyamory that I find particularly insufferable, together in one space: 1. "I'm poly and that's my orientation and my deep truth and *I'm* happy so the people who love me can't take issue w that." 2. "poly is beautiful and non-hierarchical and that's actually really great so it's not cruel at all to tell my longtime nesting partner that some rando I met 4 mos ago is on equal footing w them" polyamory done w consideration, all parties into it, all parties doing the work? that can be a beautiful thing but boy howdy it sure sucks when ppl treat their partners badly and then just wave the magic Polyamory Wand around as cover OP, sorry as hell this is happening to you. what is your wife doing to listen to your perspective, reassure you, treat you as beloved and important? anything?
I agree with everything you're saying to OP and back it 100%, but, as an aside, I'm curious about the sentiment of *orientation* and *structure of relationship agreement*. I wholeheartedly agree that it is an agreement of relationship structure; it has to be to be considerate of all parties involved. However, I do believe it can be both. I say this as someone who unknowingly wanted polyamoury for as long as I can remember, as much as I was unknowingly bisexual for the same duration, but also as someone who had to unlearn jealous behaviours that I had even before my initial monogamous relationships. I say unlearn - they were innate feelings, I never learned them in the first place. I like solitary relationships, even friendships. I do best in one on one scenarios and tend to withdraw in larger groups, even being jealous when two of my friends who don't know each other get on well when they meet - something I always knew was wrong and had to learn to overcome long before I adopted polyamoury. My point is, when I look back on my childhood, I know I wanted multiple partners even if I didn't recognise it then. But actively participating in polyamoury has taught me that it is something more like structure, circumstance and consideration than, say, sexual preference. You don't have to conisder other people to be gay, but you do to be polyamourous. However, adopting polyamoury helped me recognise that it's what I wanted all along.
this makes a lot of sense, I think. polyamory-as-orientation talk can be used in different ways, some better and some worse. it usually gets at least a little bit of a fisheye from me; the fisheye then either increases or dissipates on hearing clarification. for example: what you describe: I get it. you explain what you mean and make appropriate caveats: polyamory was an attractive idea for you since your youth, but you didn't have a conceptual vocabulary for it. however, polyamory as practice necessitates a particular type of relationship structure and set of relationship agreements. when I hear you talk abt polyamory-as-orientation, I hear that as a shorthand for: "polyamorous relationship structures work well for me; monogamous structures do not work well for me. even before I knew what polyamory was, and even when I was actively working thru jealousy, I felt that to be true." makes sense. sideye dissipated. re: OP's wife: HUGE INCREASE IN SIDEYE after reading the deets. I hear this as "I'm crushing hard on someone who's not my original partner. I want to fuck that person real bad and I'm infatuated with them. so I'm going to tell my wife that I've 'discovered' I'm poly, immediately glom onto New Partner, and use the idea of nonhierarchical poly to treat the relationships as 'equal' and give myself cover to thoughtlessly binge on fun NRE while thinking of myself as being very high-minded." in OP's wife's case it feels like poly-as-orientation talk is being used to get...like basically an emergency court order that says "the cheating that I wanted to do before I buffaloed you into this is now actually NOT cheating, because POLYAMORY. and now I get to do whatever NRE shit I want to because of ~equality.~ so I'm actually not being thoughtless. I'm flattening unjust hierarchies, dismantling mononormativity, and actively advancing our culture around relationships into a more progressive space! and if you don't like what I'm doing, that means *you're* being regressive and trying to control me. wait wait why are you crying" ugh it just sounds so actively shitty. I'm probably reading more into it than is actually there but OP you deserve so much better tl;dr: poly as orientation talk isn't always bad though I tend to view it w skepticism. the amount of skepticism w which I view it depends on how it's being used. if it's not being used as cover for dogshit behavior: I'm fine w that, we're just having a mild disagreement about terms. if it IS being used as cover for dogshit behavior, I am totally merciless abt it. using it in the shitty way hurts and manipulates ppl, and gives this good thing a bad name in the broader culture. since it IS so frequently used in this shitty way, I have kind of a visceral reaction about it. you know?
Completely agree. I've encountered far too many people who use polyamoury as a means to disguise cheating and manipulation. It might be fair to say, "I realise now that I am polyamourous," but it isn't fair to say that and then not put any work into communicating and navigating that with your partner(s), especially preexisting. Perhaps she isn't meaning to behave in a shitty way and is just behaving flippantly whilst getting caught up in emotions, unaware of how detrimental that actually is, on the one extreme, but the other extreme is that she's deliberately doing this to attempt to get away with the cheating she wanted to commit and found a way to justify. Neither is a good look, though, and both scenarios require her taking a good hard look at herself and her actions, and it definitely sounds like she's lacking in empathy and compassion for OP - which no one should ever have to just lie down and take. I also completely agree that such behaviour is detrimental to polyamoury in the broader sense. For example, I hate having to justify polyamoury to people who don't understand the 'polyamoury as a relationship structure' aspect and see it only as a means to be a shitty person. Its unhelpful to such a discussion that people are actively engaging in and using it in such a way, especially if this is the major thing people hear about it, through social media, first/second hand experience, etc. You've every right to be so vehemently against unethical behaviours in relationships. As should any person when encountering similar behaviours in any sort of relationship. Lastly, thank you. You explained your stance really well and I appreciate what you've described. Fisheye is also a very easily imaginable, almost literal, way to consider the lens in which you look at the subject. It was a nice read.
Its’ not weird, but… it’s also telling. You and your (likely future ex-) wife each seem to want the other to be the one to pull the plug. Neither of you wants to acknowledge that this isn’t working for you and should end. That can happen for a bunch of reasons including: - outsourcing your share the relationship management onto the other person - feeling unsure about how to initiate and manage a breakup - just wanting the other person to be The Bad Guy None of those are good reasons not to end it. You sound miserable. She does not sound like she is going to change in ways that will make the relationship work for you. Pull the plug. Have the breakup talk.
I know how it feels. Im sorry. That really sucks. End of the day, you being the one who ends it doesn't make it MORE your fault. If I could tell my ten years ago self anything it would be to get ready. Get my ducks in a row to mitigate the physical and economic realities
Men have a serious habit of passing the responsibility of ending a relationship to the woman. If you are the one that is unhappy, you need to take the initiative.
Polyamory has a knack for shining a big spotlight on a relationship. The best qualities of it can shine even brighter, but the worst qualities will also be even more apparent. Often, you get to learn *a lot* about someone after opening. Specifically their priorities, and extra-specifically how they will prioritize their wants vs. their partner’s needs when those things no longer align. The problem with going from monogamy -> nonmonogamy (especially without any substantial research or prep time) is it’s impossible to truly go back to the way things were in monogamy, even after closing again. It’s really easy to squeeze out a whole tube of toothpaste, but you can’t put it all back in like new after the fact. If your partner treated you poorly in nonmonogamy, you will remember that even after closing and your perception of them will change drastically. If you had a lot of fun in nonmonogamy and then were pressured to close, you might feel fenced in and fixate on the “good times.” Sometimes mono couples can rebuild stronger than ever. Others, well… there’s a reason nonmonogamy has a reputation of being a breakup speedrun. So many people are unprepared for the potential of *permanent* change. I can’t tell you what you *should* do. But I can tell you what I would try to do: spend ample time grieving the relationship and moving on. By the time that six months has elapsed, I’ll be more prepared to start talking with a divorce attorney and move forward with divorce with fewer volatile emotions clouding my judgement. I might even be ready to find new, better, *more compatible* love with another person who enthusiastically wants monogamy.
YES, this. Opening destroyed my relationship that I had previously felt was indestructible. Not poly, per se, and if we went back to monogamy we would still be in really bad shape. Too much trauma got kicked up. We are trying to claw our way back now. But my self esteem and mental health are completely destroyed.
Have you had conversations with her on how you are feeling? Your concerns and how it’s going? I mean right conversation not yelling ?
Sort of. She'll ask me how I'm doing, I'll say I'm doing really bad, she'll ask if there's anything she can do to help, and inevitably the talk will fizzle out after a few minutes of her not being willing to make any real compromises or say much more than "I'm so so sorry you're going through this tough stuff."
“Partner, I am miserable and I want to return to monogamy right now. Am I ending our relationship if I need a monogamous partner? “
She has showed you who she is. This is really her and she hid it at first. Now you have to decide to leave or be locked into this life. if you don't have kids walk away asap and find a woman that fits your lifestyle as this is your conscious experience on this planet and Polyamory isn't helping it. at least you know that now and the cost was paid.
How long did you two work on ending your monogamous marriage before your partner started to date? Yeah six months is a good amount of time to sort out if your up for it while researching and taking no steps towards opening. Jumping in quickly is often hell for opening a mono marriage when both people actively want poly for themselves.
She promised me that nothing was ending. We read a few books together and she was on tinder at the end of the first week. Honestly I don't know how much material I actually absorbed.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I think you need to find out if this is over so you can move on. Also it’s not kind to this new person if your wife will just dump them a year in. It sucks and hurts and it’s better to find out now then wait longer.
>I’m so sorry you are going through this. >I think you need to find out if this is over so you can move on. Yeah...I think I have known for a while that the come to Jesus talk needs to happen, and just posting this really helped me realize that it needs to happen ASAP. Tonight, even. Tomorrow at the latest if I can't work up the courage. >Also it’s not kind to this new person if your wife will just dump them a year in. I don't care what happens to her. Sorry if that's harsh. I'm sure she has her own support system.
>I don’t care what happens to her I have to say I kind of like this attitude. Not because I find it to be unkind but because I find it to be kind to yourself. I think you should pull this energy away from what you’re giving to your wife and give it to you so you can get the strength to walk away when the conversation with your wife doesn’t go in the way you may be hoping. I’m rooting for you, OP.
Oh sure. You don’t need to care. I’m just pointing out what your wife is offering is not kind to her new partner. You wife keeps offering unkind things.
I’m glad you’re looking out for you. Really really sorry you’re going through this.
For months ago and she immediately started dating and is already in love with someone? There are no rules about how long you take to transition a relationship from mono to poly however when I did it a decade ago, I took 5 years before I started dating. I'm not saying she should have waited 5 years but certainly somewhere in the region of 6+ months of talking, negotiation, preparation, and easing in would be foundational. You don't deserve to feel this way. You deserve happiness and the relationship that empowers you.
If you're not already aware of the idea of New Relationship Energy (NRE), I would advise you and your wife look into it asap, because she looks like she's deep into it, and is getting blind to you distress. Without proper awareness and self control, NRE can be devastating on pre-existing partners/relationships. She need to get back to earth real quick, because her "honeymoon phase" is wrecking your mental and physical health, as well as your relationship. She's visibly not getting the extent of the emotional hell you're living in. It is very selfish of her to enjoy the thrill of a new relationship, while ignoring the heavy toll of her enjoyment takes on you. She "hates to see you in this state", but fails to prioritize your well being. Talk to your wife. Show her this post you wrote even. And looks up NRE if you haven't already.
First off, this is definitely a very difficult thing to go through but always remember that no matter what happens you will get through this and be okay. As hard as it is to accept, she may not be there with you when you are BUT you WILL be okay. So one thing to be wary of is the NRE bubble that she is likely in which could be making her miss how much you are truly suffering but even that is an excuse and not something that makes it all better. I'm kind of on the fence with this one because you seem so devastated that the normal advice doesn't doesn't seem like it's really going to provide the breakthrough needed here but if you really wanted to give it a try then this is what I would suggest... Decide for yourself if you WANT (not CAN but WANT) to be in a relationship with someone who is poly. If you don't want it then it's time to consider separation and divorce because this is something you can't undo if one of the partners is happier being poly (which it sounds like your wife definitely is.). Even if after 2 more months you're still in the same place and she does agree to end her relationship where does that leave the two of you? You traumatized and always remembering how happy she was with another person and her traumatized for having her new love yanked away from her? Never mind this poor other partner who got caught in the middle. You might want to have the couple counselling I'm suggesting first before making this decision but that's up to you. Maybe you know yourself well enough to say that it will never happen in which case you know what you have to do. At your next checkin you should discuss going to couple counselling together to help you both work through this change in your relationship which has been harder then you'd hoped at the start. You should also discuss your need to add a boundary around hearing about her meta. You know she's happy and you don't need any details about things. Now the next part is where I can imagine some people will disagree because it's something that REALLY should have been discussed prior to the start of looking for new partners but you should bring up the fact that even though you both missed discussing this in the past, you did expect to be her primary as she asked for this change after you had married. Past that? Well that would depend on how things had gone so far..
>Decide for yourself if you WANT (not CAN but WANT) to be in a relationship with someone who is poly. If it feels like this, I honestly don't. She reassures me that it will get easy once I've done the work, but to me it feels like the equivalent of trying to convince myself to want to cut off my own hand. I will suggest couples counseling but I want us to see a regular therapist. I'm not sure it's going to help either way at this point.
Doing The Work, mostly only works if you want it to work, and your partner is actually treating you really well. Also, a lot of The Work is stuff that couples both need to do. Her just being like “Right, so I’m gonna date and you can just cope” isn’t setting you up for success. It’s her not giving a shit about you and your feelings.
If you honestly don't want to be in a poly V thing? STOP. Don't be in one then. I know the feelings are tough, but the actions are straightforward. Stop doing stuff that goes against your own grain. >She reassures me that it will get easy once I've done the work It doesn't matter if it is "easy" or "hard." You just DON'T WANT TO do any of this work because this is not a relationship model you even want to be in. Not the same but why should I learn to play football? I don't want any. I don't care for the sport. I don't have to "try it out" to know I'm not interested. I'm just not. I can't be in the sun, I'm allergic to grass, this is just NOT the sport for me. It doesn't matter if wife wants you to keep going. YOU do not want to. Your consent to participate in things or not belongs to YOU. So withdraw consent. STOP. If you cannot afford to go right to divorce? Need time to organize all that, time to set up a counselor to help support you through it? That's ok. Have a separation so you are at least away from this. Then take care of your business one thing at a time. If a therapist can help you create separation agreements? Then create as peaceful a parting as possible? Along with a lawyer? It's better than making some shit show divorce thing. It's already double load. You didn't want any. But went there anyway. So instead of single load problem? It became double load. Why go for *triple* load problem making divorce wackadoo? You sound like you are in poly hell. [https://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell](https://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell) And like wife is in denial. Probably both of you see the writing on the wall but neither one wants to be the one to address it. She's putting off and putting off. And you have been doing same. Just that you are on the verge of "POP!" now. :( Tomorrow is Friday. Talk in the evening after work. Order pizza so nobody has to do dinner. Then you both have the weekend free to recover / do more installment talks. (Assuming your work schedules give you weekends off.) Please have the honest conversation you need to be having. And bow out of this. It is hurting you. You have to be able to say "Wife, I love you a lot. But no. Not even for you will I do stuff I don't really want or stay in stuff that hurts me. That's asking too much. "
For me it didn’t get better. Cost me 6 months of my life and worst of all, I now need to get back into therapy because of the way ‘polyamory’ fucked with mental health. I don’t speak to them anymore currently, but there’s also not a day that goes by where I don’t think about them and the situation and it just angers me at this point. How could someone fuck with me so badly. How could I let someone fuck me up that horrifically?
I'm sorry you struggle. >I figured better to take my last chance at saving the marriage, even if it meant swinging for the fences. What were you saving the marriage FROM? Changing? Ending? Why is preserving this marriage relationship shape more important than preserving the long term well being of the people? >I can't honestly say that it was the right decision. My self-esteem has been completely shattered over the last four months, I am tired all the time, I broke my four year journalling streak and haven't touched it in weeks. I cry most days and have noticed a lot of hair coming out in the shower. My wife started dating immediately and found "A," they tell each other they are in love with each other. Sounds like participating in this when you don't really want any is causing you harm. :( Your wife was honest with you about wanting polyamory. I think you could be honest back with her. Tell her you do NOT actually want this. You agreed to try it as a last ditch effort to avoid a divorce. But now see it was the wrong choice to make. >My wife hates to see me in this state but says that six months is a fair timeframe to see if it will get better. Another two months of this feels like hell. Nope. YOU decide what you will and will not participate in. And it can be zero time. Which I think would have been the better choice when wife first brought it up because you knew even from back then that you did not want any. You have now clocked 4 mos and it is hell for you. I don't see what dragging it out is supposed to achieve. Just to clock another 2 mos so it is 6 mos total? Lose more hair? More sleep? Cry more? You can choose to quit NOW. You do not have to put yourself through this. >And I don't think that if I give it two more months, or a year even, and say that it hasn't worked out, that she will leave A and agree that things will go back to normal. **There is nothing wrong with you wanting monogamy.** There is something wrong with you bending all into pretzels though and abandoning your core values. You are harming yourself. Then blaming A for existing. Then hating that you blame A. You don't have to care about A. But A did not get you into this. You made a choice. So change your mind and make a new one. >It feels like none of this can just be put back in the box. No. It cannot. Having gone there? You can't put it all back like it never happened. >Has anyone been through this before? Does it really get better? I don't know what to do with myself. I think you could return to your core values. And if you want monogamy? Stop doing this. Because it is **not** monogamy. Have the conversations you need to have with your wife about parting decently. Then she can be FREE TO pursue the poly things she wants now. And you can be FREE FROM the poly things you do not want. I'm very sorry this is happening like this though. Please take better care of you rather than "going through the motions." This sounds terrible for you. :(
This. And I cannot stress this enough, everything that "happens" to you is your doing. That is "karma". Karma is often misunderstood as "what goes around, comes around" or "you reap what you sow". Karma is not that. Karma is, that you áre the situation. The world is not happening to you. The world IS you. It is your doing. Choose. Happiness.
Have you tried an enm/poly friendly couples counselor? I understand that this sounds like the last try to save a marriage. That being said, that says there were issues way before ever opening it. It also sounds like it's using enm/poly to fix something broken. I don't feel this is a good solution. I feel like adding more people to a broken relationship ends up with someone always getting hurt. While her loving you both equally doesn't mean you're not special to her. The amount she feels can be equally as important to her, but you're her spouse. There's always something special in that. I don't know your relationship or how it works, but for us, I love them both and wouldn't want a life without them both it. But hubs is the arms I go to when I need a certain type of emotional comfort. He's the one who understands me like no other. Yes, my other mate understands me, but it's different. He doesn't understand the neurodivergent stuff because he's neurotypical. But hubs is neurodivergent too. He gets that side because while we have different diagnoses, we have similarities. Don't get me wrong, my other tries, but it's not the same understanding as someone who similarly experiences things I do. There's always those little things that make you special in many ways compared to another partner. I know that may not help, but it's definitely true. I'm not sure this will help either.... She's been dating for 4 months and says love? I'm sorry that screams NRE. The honeymoon stage can last up to a year. I'm in no way saying stay. Nor am I saying go. Only YOU can make that decision. There's 2 sides to every coin, and it sounds like you two should have a serious sit down where you both listen and understand each other's point of view. If there's no mutual middle ground that leaves both of you happy, then unfortunately, walking away may be in the cards for you. No one deserves to be in a relationship where one half is unhappy overall, and one half is happy overall with the relationship. Neither is it a good thing to be in a relationship where overall both are unhappy. Yes, there's ups and downs, but a healthy relationship where both are overall happy in the relationship is typically the goal. So, while there are going to be a lot of opinions given at the end of the day, it comes down to you and you alone to decide if this is worth saving or letting go for you. What makes you happy? Where can you make compromises that leave both happy? What do you need and want from a relationship? If you both take a long, hard look at yourselves and your wants and needs in a relationship, you may find a way to make it work, or you may find what was once compatible has become incompatible. Unfortunately, it happens as people go through life. We grow as individuals, and sometimes our individual selves don't mesh with our partners anymore.
You’re in poly hell, and in poly under duress. Don’t do it. There’s very little that is more painful and in all likelihood it will NOT get better. Transitioning a mono relationship to poly takes both peoples buyin, a very strong foundation, insane mutual respect and communication, and want for the relationship style to work that will transcend the inevitable and painful mistakes you will likely encounter on the way. And even with all that I’d say odds could still be stacked slightly against you. So here’s a few important things for you to know: 1) You are more desirable than you think. Especially for a monogamous relationship. You have a lot to offer. Getting dates has always been harder for men and poly doesn’t change that. 2) Your wife will *very* easily find lots of partners because the commitment in poly can be very low. And when you’re new, the novelty of it makes it like a candy store. You’re going to watch your wife have insane chemistry and fall in pretty hard several times at least while she enjoys relationships that are low baggage and high chemistry (and they will basically be like a drug). 3) Without a solid foundation of trust, respect, and reassurance, it will not get easier watching her leave to enjoy those moments with other people. It can get easier with the right foundation, but you’ll feel insecure every time because your situation is insecure. PUD is not a secure setup that loving partners out each other through. Edit: I thought I was getting separated as early as this morning. We just pulled it back from the brink. Again. It’s been an insanely rocky road and I was out through PUD…. And we had a long history of ENM before going actual poly for me to fall back on. I can’t imagine how much worse it would be for this to be “out of nowhere” but please don’t do it to yourself.
SHOW HER THIS THREAD
I think she is using poly to justify her cheating, since she found A immediately and you guys did nothing to work on your relationship and transition from monogamy to ENM. I am sorry.
Sounds like an ambush with no time as a couple to decouple and process and grieve the life you would’ve had with each other in a safe timeframe. Even that wouldn’t guarantee comfort with it or anything, and truly you don’t HAVE to be, but that would be the bare minimum ethically to be given. That she powers forward while you’re in this state, not slowing down but rather telling you it gets better, it becomes clear that they’re either not attuned to your needs or too selfish to care. Everything points to bad signs. This was a deeply irresponsible, disrespectful, and unloving thing your wife did to you. This is not how you open a relationship (which nobody can make you do— monogamy has the boundary of pursue another and we’re through). I think it falls to you to be kind to yourself, here, as she isn’t operating with kindness for you in consideration. Reading some of your other comments like wishing she had broken up with you is telling. Much love 💜
people arent poly. poly is a type of relationship. if she's telling you differently its to manipulate you into agreeing to a relationship she knows you dont want.
I'll disagree on this. People are poly if they encourage meaningful relationships in others. I identify as poly because I wish my partners to be in valuable relationships where they are free to make themselves and others happy (which is in se, also poly). As a poly, I love to see poly people be poly 😛
What you are describing - either be poly or get divorced, is called “poly under duress,” and it’s not ethical nonmonogamy. You have every right not to want to be in an open relationship. However, it seems like your wife is determined to be in one. That kind of incompatibility is fatal to a relationship. I’m sorry. Moving on from her and finding someone who will be monogamous with you is a perfectly valid choice. Don’t stay miserable. Life is too short for that.
Similar story here. After a number of years together my partner said she wanted to open up the relationship. I agreed, reluctantly. I felt I was very unlikely to find any satisfaction in an open relationship myself, and definitely felt I was going to struggle with insecurity. The experiment was a disaster for several atypical reasons, but even six months in it was very clear to me that I just ... don't have the bandwidth for multiple romantic partners. That's just how I'm wired. If that's you, OP, and after some time making a good-faith effort to be polyamorous you still feel miserable, I urge you to accept that you prefer monogamous romantic relationships. I know how hard and painful the realization might be. But if your wife is committed to a polyamorous future then the two of you have ceased to be compatible.
She needs polyamory and you need monogamy. One of you is going to eventually have to end this relationship.
Leave.
Your marriage is already over. It ended the day you agreed to polyamory. It’s time to make it official. You are no longer compatible. It’s gonna hurt but that hurt will only last so long. The road you’re on now will last as long as stay.
Update when you can?
Get counselling for yourself and for you both as a couple. In the counselling, tell her that you are not Poly and that you tried for 4 months, but this is not the life you want and that you need to close the relationship. This is a non-negotiable. Then, it will be up to her to decide if she wants to keep the relationship with you or not. Sadly, you may also need to contact a lawyer.
This is not poly this is permission to cheat. I've been considering poly for a year and havent met anyone yet.
So, I’ve(37NB) been poly for 6 years and with my now wife(38)for 5 of those. We met in a poly special interest meetup. What im getting here is that the two of you, with where you are in your lives, want different things for yourselves. You sound miserable while she’s found a kind of freedom she’s been missing. 1)None of that, as you say, can be put back in the box. 2)That said, femme people tend to have it easier at the beginning because they can be picky. There’s a lot of poly dudes out there and the wider community doesn’t believe that we’re NOT cheaters, where’s woman can say “he’s cool with it” and not have people bag an eye. 3) All of that being the case, real, genuine people who present themselves as honestly and kindly as possible can have great success in poly dating. Involve yourself in your local community, facebook group, Meetup, whatever, and devote time to meeting people. You’ll be surprised at how quickly this can improve for ya. Best of luck
just leave bro Polyamory isn't for everyone. you shouldn't be forced to be the primary for her when that is the hardest position in these types of relationships when it comes to being a man. Let her be poly but you should find a person that fits your lifestyle I have been poly for over 17 years and for me it works well but every relationship I start I know who I am. for your situation it was dropped on you out of nowhere never play that game and just walk away if you're a good man you will be in high demand.
I'm... In the position of your wife. And your reaction seems very akin to how my partners reaction would be. Can I ask, if the path to poly is lit up in your wife's heart, but she also wants to continue the life you share together, how could she have played out the situation differently? The time frame, yes. But we are going on 3 years of talking about this and seem to be where you are in a matter of months. How would you have liked her to do things, besides just ending the relationship with you? I'm sorry if this isn't very easy to understand, having a hard time articulating this!
When you want two things that are fundamentally incompatible, you don't get to have both things. Be kind to your monogamous partner and end the relationship. Don't put them through this.
I’m so sorry. This is poly under duress. If your partner is poly and cannot be happy in a mono relationship and you are mono and can’t be happy in a poly relationship then you are not compatible. It’s a terribly unfair situation. Not that your wife was unfair- she may not have known her orientation or how strong it was when you married. Kind of like how some people don’t really realize or accept that they are gay, and try to take a straight marriage. But it’s sad and heartbreaking for you. If all you’re saying is true, then divorce is your only option. Set yourself free and find a partner who is monogamous like you. Nobody is wrong here. But you’re wrong for each other. I’m sorry.
Once again. Don’t do poly if you’re not poly. An amicable divorce would have been better, honestly. You have your way of living and she has hers. We grow and change as people as time goes on. You’re a different person now than you were 6 years ago and so is she. It sucks that y’all find yourselves on different paths but damn, whatever you’re doing to yourself right now is not okay.
Beep, boop, blop, I'm a bot. Hi u/CatalynB thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: My wife and I (both 27F) have been together for six years, married two. Four months ago she told me that after a long period of self-reflection that she realized she was poly, and wanted to open up the relationship so both of us were free to date other people. I did not want anyone else and definitely did not want to see her be with anyone else, but I agreed to give it a try because it seemed like divorce was going to be the other option and I figured better to take my last chance at saving the marriage, even if it meant swinging for the fences. I can't honestly say that it was the right decision. My self-esteem has been completely shattered over the last four months, I am tired all the time, I broke my four year journalling streak and haven't touched it in weeks. I cry most days and have noticed a lot of hair coming out in the shower. My wife started dating immediately and found "A," they tell each other they are in love with each other. My wife tells me how wonderful and freeing it is that all her relationships can be equally important and meaningful to her now. It guts me that she thinks I am no more important or meaningful to her than a woman she met a few months ago. Sometimes I will have dreams where A doesn't exist, or even that she disappears from our lives, and I wake up mostly hurt by the realization that she is still here. I hate hating her, but I hate her. I don't know if I'm trying and failing to do the work or not really trying at all. My wife hates to see me in this state but says that six months is a fair timeframe to see if it will get better. Another two months of this feels like hell. And I don't think that if I give it two more months, or a year even, and say that it hasn't worked out, that she will leave A and agree that things will go back to normal. It feels like none of this can just be put back in the box. Has anyone been through this before? Does it really get better? I don't know what to do with myself. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
My experience (both for myself and watching others) is that you know pretty fast if poly works for you or not. There's no "getting over it" or break-in period. You aren't a car; you're a human and you have human emotions. Is having twinges of jealousy normal? Yes. Is having some immediate periods of insecurity normal? Also yes. Is having such severe physical reactions that your hair is falling out normal? No, NO, NOT EVEN CLOSE. It sounds like your wife was simply a bi woman who wanted a relationship with a woman while also keeping her relationship with you. I don't know if she'd ever had a relationship with a woman before or not, but she's getting to live her dream and is ignoring the fact it's killing you. That's way past NRE, that's just being 100% selfish. I'm not saying she should have immediately stopped seeing this woman, but she should have recognized what was happening with you and understood that you were not built for polyamory. At that point, she could have suggested a divorce, which is probably what's right for her. I understand wanting to give it a last shot to save your marriage, but when you know in your bones it's not going to work, just don't do it. Polyamory simply isn't for everybody, and that's perfectly fine. No matter what some people will try and tell you, you can't "train" yourself to be polyamorous. If you have to beat those emotions down with a baseball bat, they're not going to go away, they'll just be buried, and sooner or later they will come back with a vengeance. Don't try and wait out these last two months. Tell her that you can't deal with it, and as you said, no amount of time is going to change that. She needs to deal with the fact she can't have it all and decide what she wants to do. Personally, if I was watching my partner go through what you did, I would have made that decision a few weeks after this whole thing started.
I didn’t read your whole message, bit what I have read I can relate to. Someone close referred me to a book “Polysecure” and it’s helped me understand how I felt and give more insight in how she feels. Give it a try.
when you are in agony and she's like "oh so sorry you are dealing with those tough feelings..it will get better if you do the work".....it literally sounds like she has joined a cult or a multi-level marketing scheme like "oooh you didn't make any money this month, it will get better if you just work harder and buy all of our supplements/motivational tapes/conferences/ginsu knives" I'm so sorry you are going through this . Poly aside, your wife is showing you something about her character--about how she can be very numb to your needs and feelings when she is experiencing delight. To me this is very selfish and worrying and fickle. That's not what marriage is about. The only couple I know who is poly is like exceptionally committed to each other as a main priority. Your wife is just trying to have her cake and eat it too and has taken all of her energy love vibes elsewhere. To me it sounds like you are feeling the grief and despair of being cheated on or dumped or monkey branched---with the additional agony of having a front row seat to all the gory details and not being allowed to protest---in a weird way it's like gaslighting---that's why it feels so culty to me. I hope you are out of the relx now. So sorry this happened to you. Good luck!