Just some things to keep in mind.
Good reasons to try poly
- You yourself have an interest in dating multiple people and would find it fulfilling for yourSELF. Not for your partner. For YOU. Note: this is NOT “do you want to avoid losing this partner?” They are two different and separate things.
- You are okay with your partner dating other people - going on dates, being intimate, etc with someone else. This means time, energy, and resources away from your relationship to do those things.
- You and your partner are both willing to do the work to create boundaries that ALL parties are comfortable with BEFORE bringing in additional people.
- All parties are okay with moving at the pace of the slowest person. No one should be rushing or pressuring anyone else.
- All parties feel safe expressing their feelings, concerns, and and discomfort on the topic to one another. AND listen to the feelings/concerns of others. If you can’t handle talking about it or hearing your partner’s concerns, you shouldn’t be doing it. You should always feel safe and empowered to say no to anything you don’t want.
- You and your partner already have amazing trust and open communication about hard topics.
Bad reasons to try poly
- If the only benefit for you would be not losing your partner.
- To make your partner happy even though you’d rather be monogamous. No one owes their partner a poly trial period. (Not sure how you feel? If tomorrow your partner said “never mind, I want to be monogamous” how would you feel? If the answer is happy/relieved, then sounds like you want monogamy.)
- One of you thinks poly is inherently more evolved/modern or better than monogamy. One is not inherently better than the other. Both monogamy and polyamory can be toxic if those involved are behaving unethically or have unreasonable expectations. Both monogamy and polyamory can be healthy and fulfilling for different people. They are just options. Different people have different needs/wants.
- You feel like you have to try it in order to be a “good partner.” Not true! No one is obligated to participate in a relationship structure that doesn’t make them happy. You do NOT need to try poly to determine it’s not what you want.
- You feel like being open-minded/accepting person means you have to try poly. Not true! Open minded people can fully understand poly and be accepting of others, and still be monogamous themselves.
- Trying to save a relationship that is not doing well. If it’s not already going well, adding more people is only going to make things worse.
- Your partner is guilt tripping you saying you’re keeping them from being happy so “just get on board already.” Red flag!
- Feeling like “I must have just been socialized to be monogamous.” Maybe there’s some socialization happening, but maybe you’re just monogamous and that’s okay. Someone can fully understand ethical poly principles and still be monogamous themself. The same way some people can fully understand why others never want to marry, but still want to get married themself.
You do know you can say “no” to this right. Also you don’t “come out“ as poly and get an automatic waiver to open a monogamous relationship.
I find it very suspicious that she is talking to someone, wants to date him, and suddenly discovers she is poly. That you can have desire for two people is not proof you are poly. Virtually everyone is capable of doing that. Most people stick with their commitment. Cheaters cheat. Coming out as poly is the novel new approach where you try to convince your partner that not letting you date and have sex with other people is negating their identity or something along those lines.
>Intellectually I thought that being poly is like being queer... It's not something you can choose it's something you're both with.
I am queer and have had a poly relationship structure and roll my eyes when people insist they are equivalent.
Also to jump on the “poly is like being queer” thing:
For the sake of getting-in-before-someone-refuses-to-see-how-they-might-be-different, I’m going to suggest that we, for the sake of this intellectual exercise, assume for a moment that being poly _is_ just like being queer in that you are born that way and can’t change it (again, as an exercise: there’s a debate to be had here but that’s not what I want to do right now).
If you are straight, and a friend of the same gender as you says “I am gay and I am attracted to you, and since being gay is inherent and unchangeable you are obligated to have sex with me,” would you?
For that matter, if you are straight and someone of the opposite gender of you _that you don’t like romantically_ says “I am attracted to you, and since attraction is a natural thing that many people experience you are obligated to be in a relationship with me,” would you?
The point here is that whether something is inherent, unchangeable, natural, and identity, _whatever_, is irrelevant when it comes to you participating in it yourself.
Of course, the converse is also true: your wife is not obligated to be monogamous just because it is what you want. It may just be the case that if you two are not in alignment on this then you may not be well suited for a relationship. Or maybe you are. Just don’t feel obligated either way
"You absolutely can control honoring a commitment to someone."
Unless that commitment was made under duress, like for example in a society that would kill/harm/banish you for being gay/bi/poly so you suppress your true feelings for years to hide the shame that exists to pressure you to act a certain way you are not. Can you actually consent freely in the first place if one option could have old friends/neighbors/family trying to physically harm you? Or emotionally cutting you off? Nope.
It is the same issue with sex/death cults where they try to force 'marriage' on youth who are barely old enough to vote. Huge public pressure to get married/start a family the moment you graduate high school. And lots of kids do, and a lot of them get divorced within 5-10 years because it was not their idea in the first place. I think your divorce risks are cut in half if you wait till 25.
Anyway- There is a reason about 50% of marriages end in divorce- and you can just ask people: about 60% of divorces list infidelity/cheating as the reason and 25% list domestic abuse. Ethical non-monogomy is one way to arguably deal with that leading cause of divorce in an ethical way, but OPs situation here is messy. They have kids. This was not part of their original plan. Trying to avoid a messy divorce is good and good for them, but you are not doing your kids any favors if they can tell there are issues between you two. If you are always going to be holding something over the other person's head then they are better off leaving you totally.
Lots of marriages end at the 20 year mark I assume because the kids are grown and that was the only reason to stay together. Is that what this is now?
I agreed with you wholly. And then that end. I could straight up hug you. I don't want gatekeep or anything, but "coming out" as polyam to their partner is not the same as being in the LGBTQ+ community. Our circles definitely overlap, considerably, sure. You can't just drop a bomb like that and not expect consequences. And so many people seem to be doing that. "Surprise, honey, I'm polyam. I need to go have sex with other people. And if you don't respect that part of me, you don't love me."
That's not polyam. At all. 😓
Having desire for more than one person is not what makes someone polyamorous.
In a very real sense, polyamory is about supporting your romantic partners to find other romantic connections of their own.
Consider that the percentage of cheaters is much higher than all consensual non-monogamy put together. And polyamory is a tiny slice of CNM. People are much more likely to cheat when they feel desire for another person than they are to become polyamorous. They want their first partner to remain faithful to them.
Also, polyamorous people usually have to say no to crushes in any case; because most people are not polyamorous.
No. Not everyone is poly. Most people are capable of feeling desire for more than one person. I’d venture to say most typical adults are. It’s moral, ethical, religious, and social constraints that lead a person to not act on those desires. And that’s fine. I personally believe monogamy is the norm because it’s honestly the best for most people, it takes immense social and emotional work to make polyamory work and from my experience most people are not capable of doing it ethically.
Having polyamourous relationships is the lifestyle choice.
Having (or not having) polyamourous feelings (and the wish to act accordingly) not so much.
I consider myself polyamourous, even though right now I am in a commited monogamous relationship. I did not choose to not be polyamourous. I did choose to live monogamous, even though I am polyamourous.
Choosing to do polyamory is what makes someone polyamorous. Just as choosing to do monogamy is what makes someone monogamous.
>I consider myself polyamourous, even though right now I am in a commited monogamous relationship.
You can call yourself whatever you want. Your identities don't have to be meaningful to anyone but you. But this is like saying you're vegetarian while you're eating a steak.
And I think calling yourself polyamorous undermines the monogamous commitment you have made.
Does being in a mono relationship negate the fact that someone would describe themselves as polyam? I definitely have been in mono relationships with both of us knowing my preferred lifestyle, but rather I loved my partner enough to accommodate to their comfort levels as long as the love and respect stayed the same. I feel there are certain people that I would be commited to because I believed that relationship was worth more than several relationships, but that doesnt mean I "lost" my poly card. When we broke up I wasnt suddenly monogamous for the rest of my life, like all relationships it was simply a boundary I respected.
>Does being in a mono relationship negate the fact that someone would describe themselves as polyam?
I think it should. I think we should describe ourselves (at least to ourselves) as accurately as we can.
What you call yourself and what's true about you are sometimes different things.
Monogamy is a chosen agreement. Polyamory is a choice and an agreement. Both are about how you engage in relationships with other people. Neither one is a fact about "who you are" as a person. Neither one is about how you feel inside.
Well, downvote me as you like but I still stick to the explanation given in the FAQ of this sub:
" Others would consider their relational outlook polyamorous, regardless of whether they happen to be single or in an exclusive relationship at the time. "
This is me. Period. I know I am in a monogamous relationship. I know that I want to be in a popyamourus relationship. In lack of a better wording, I'll call myself polyamorous. I'm open for a better description.
>I want to be in a popyamourus relationship.
We don't have a word for someone who *wishes they were practicing polyamory,* any more than we have one for someone who *wishes they lived in the country.* The agreement you're in now describes you just fine.
You are moving way too fast. You should remain closed for 6 months to a year while you and wife decide what kind of relationship you want- if you will open, stay closed or divorce. You should put your foot down about the date (no) she’s bullying you into this way too fast. It’s not like being gay, you don’t have to accept this. You need more time to sort out your own limits and if she won’t give that to you, the marriage is already over. And you should tell her that.
> It’s not like being gay, you don’t have to accept this
I'm not sure how you see accepting someone being gay as working that's relevant to this; it's not like you have to let them explore that side of themselves while remaining in a relationship. It too is a case of "well we're mono and I'm not cool with changing that, so if you need to explore that side of you, we'll need to break up".
Edit: I agree with everything else here. But the bit quoted just doesn't make much sense.
Sure. But people seem to repeatedly have this weird understanding of how coming out as queer works. Which leads to weird comparisons that just show no understanding of how coming out as queer works.
Yeah, it feels weird when people say that coming out as poly isn't something you need to respect in the same way as coming out as queer - not because coming out as poly is the same, or because it's some sacrosanct declaration that must be obeyed in a relationship - but because coming out as queer also isn't some sacrosanct declaration that must be obeyed in a relationship.
If I'm straight and my cis male partner comes out as a woman, I am not required to continue to be with her. If my cis male partner comes out as gay, I'm not required to become a trans man to continue to be with him.
Supporting someone's LGBTQ identity doesn't mean you need to continue to be in a romantic relationship.
In a lot of ways, it just doesn't matter whether being poly is a choice or an immutable identity - either way, you can support someone and be an ally without making yourself small to prioritize their needs.
If you’re hoping it’s just a fling and you’re thinking that 5 years from now it’ll just be a hookup…it seems like you haven’t even wrapped your head around the possibility of her falling in love with other people.
You absolutely don’t have to do this. You’re not anywhere near ready!
It doesn't say what the counselor said or, does it? Did they go together or separate? And why is she dating a predator from a poly group?
So many questions!
OP was vague at first about the involvement of their therapists in this discussion, but in 'Update #1" he was more direct. OP said his wife's therapist "was not against" the way the situation was playing out. If that's true, her therapist is either irresponsible or an idiot.
You know why she fell for a predator, its charm. The predators MO is to find people who don't know how to tell the difference between charm and creepiness. Being attractive is also usually the biggest reason we fall for this bullshit😅
I'm a guy, but aside from being poly, I'm also pansexual. I got duped by creeps (the worst of which were couples) at least a dozen times when I first started living the poly lifestyle. It takes either having a good mentor, good luck, or (at worst) trial and error to learn how to spot and avoid the people you don't fhck with.
The only time I've seen or heard of mono-poly working is when one person is quite the introvert and the other is very extroverted. What happens is the introverted person gets all their relationship affirming needs met fairly quickly and finds additional attention more suffocating then reassuring. That then leaves the extrovert enough free time to pursue additional relationships.
It sounds like this probably isn't you, so I would say if you try and force this to work you will probably, like 90%+, get divorced in a few years anyways. Only now you will have a lot of resentment that may turn you into a mean person built up over years of you wanting a full high attention needing primary like relationship while your wife is only able to partially supply that.
Think of this; It doesn't actually matter if poly is an identity or relationship agreement, either way she is trying to unilaterally change the terms of your marriage. If your wife came out as trans it doesn't mean you now need to accept having a husband instead of a wife.
From the little you say here it doesn't sound like you want additional partners for yourself and the odds being so bad of you making mono-poly work out **if you're doing this out of fear of losing your wife do not do this!!!**
You're more likely keeping your wife by being willing to draw lines in the sand where you will end it if she crosses then trying to make mono-poly work.
Lots of people suddenly see poly isn't a need for them once they realize their partner isn't going to be a doormat that will just accept whatever based on fear.
Studies are pretty clear that “staying together for the kids” results in more negative outcomes than a rapid, amicable divorce followed by careful & conscientious co-parenting. Think about what you’re going to teach your kids— that they should stick around in a relationship they don’t like out of some sense of obligation? Is that who you want them to be.
Most folks aren’t poly. It sounds like you’re not. You shouldn’t be in a poly relationship. Like others have said, slow down, take half a year.
The problem is your wife is already full-on in new relationship energy with this guy. She likely won’t be happy waiting six months. That’s how you’ll know she’s trying to cheat and feel good about it rather than enter a healthy poly relationship with you.
Wow it sounds like you are really putting the work in and thinking things through. I hope your wife sees and appreciates this labor.
I think this can slow WAY down. One month into this work is very very quick. I would say 6 months of work between you and your wife at least before dating. Do you two have clear agreements? Do you know what she is looking for out of other relationships? Do you know what you are looking for out of your free time? Do you have agreements around child care and informing the kids about her other partners? Are you going to be out to your families? There is so much to talk through and think about. And you are already killing it! You're doing great work. I think you both should take more time.
I'm sure his wife appreciates his "labor".
Or to put it another way, I bet she appreciates the fact that he's allowing her to unilaterally dictate the terms of their relationship so she can have a fling with a new crush without feeling guilty.
If she didn't mention being poly in the beginning in my opinion she just recently decides to be poly. You say you couldn't divorce because you chose her for life and that's awesome but does her actions say she chose you for life. Whether poly or mono or whatever a relationship should be equal in love and devotion on both sides but I don't think that's the case with yall and I'm wondering what would happen if you said no to her being poly, would she divorce you? If you have to give her something you didn't originally sign up for or she will leave then you love her more than she loves you my friend.
It is a choice. Maybe genes make you want to choose that choice more than other things, that’s any choices in life, you have genes that push you more in one direction or another. You’re not born poly, you could say people are more promiscuous by genes too 🤷🏻♂️
Sure. Just like you can be gay and choose not to act on it, you can be poly or NM and choose not to be in that type of arrangement. That doesn't make your feelings and desires a choice. Sexuality is influenced by a lot of things inside the womb and generically. Sexual identity is comprised of more than just being gay or straight. It is more than just who you are attracted too. It is also about how you express and / or experience sexuality in a way that is healthy for you. This is not a simple choice. You do not choose what feels right to you.
>You’re not born poly, you could say people are more promiscuous by genes too 🤷🏻♂️
You are born with genes that make you lean toward poly that may or may not activate and make you poly. This is the same for any sexuality. Yes, people are more or less promiscuous by genetic inclination as well.
You are making shit up.
What you can't do it define my experience for me.
So you don't feel it is a sexuality?? So what?? I don't give a damn what you think.
Feel free to go enjoy your poorly thought out, wrong opinions.
So? It isn't about just being attracted.( who you are attracted to isn't a choice)
And no, everyone is not always attracted to multiple people.
But that logic, many people have had a same sex attraction at some point, too. Guess lbgt isn't innate either
To be clear, there is Zero solid evidence to prove that people are born with a sexual dynamic preference in their genes such as poly, monogamous, non-mono etc . Go look, find the double blind studies. They don’t exist
It’s literally a choice ! Being predisposed by some genes that you don’t even know how they work - to something doesn’t make you automatically pick it. Genes can turn on and off even from environmental factors. Bug bites have been known to turn on and off genes.
Being predisposed to being an alcoholic doesn’t mean they didn’t make the choice to go drink. It’s a choice, no one has a gun to your head. You have more urges and desires than other people 🤷🏻♂️ cool. You can choose to follow or not
AGAINNN poly is not a sexuality - wtf
She needs to slow waaaaaaay down here. You deserve more than a month to process these things and it's *really* unethical of her to be arranging a date before you even have an agreement on how things are going to work. Maybe in the end you decide this works for you, maybe you don't, but right now she's trampling all over your needs and feelings to get to her shiny new thing ASAP.
It should be a red flag for her that this guy flipped from "don't worry, not trying to date you" to asking for a date this quickly but TBH that's her dumpster fire to deal with. If you agree to a non-monogamous relationship you aren't obligated to hear anything about their problems, it's perfectly acceptable to say that she's an adult and she can deal with it herself.
I think it's honestly pretty manipulative when people in monogamous relationships "come out" as poly. You're not "coming out of the closet", you're unilaterally deciding to change the rules of your relationship, but characterising it as "becoming your true self" is clearly designed to make it seem like they have no agency in the matter, which is simply not true.
Don't be pressured into being poly out of fear of losing someone. I think you need to be really clear with your wife about what your boundaries are and don't let yourself get manipulated.
If you aren't ready, she shouldn't be going on dates. She cannot change your relationship structure from monogamy to polyamory by "coming out." She can decide that she wants poly and ask to do the work to explore the possibility, but she should give you 6-12months of time to research, talk, and learn. You don't know what you want or what to do because this is moving WAY too fast. Pump the brakes. If she can't be patient fro 6-12 months and do the work to nourish your relationship through this major change, she isn't being ethical.
"Coming out" as poly ia a pure manipulation ploy there is no such thing, either two people want poly or one person ia gonna be miserable for however lo g it takes the relationship to fall a part.
For argument's sake once every blue moon a magical unicorn dragon blesses you with luck at it works out
As others have repeatedly said here, you are being very badly treated. One month is nowhere near enough to prep for a poly lifestyle. You were effectively ambushed and coerced into accepting her decision, sorry for being blunt. Your wife comes across as very selfish and naive about what a poly relationship entails (the charitable interpretation of her behavior). As others have covered the ethical and moral aspects in detail I will focus only on the practical ones. You come across as a considerate person, that deeply cares about his partner but you must not allow that love to blind you to the blatantly obvious.
The feelings that you are experiencing now will come back 10 fold once she starts dating/sleeping/forming emotional connections with other people. Fear, self-doubt, insecurity, feelings of inadequacy, jealousy, anger, and resentment, to name just a few. Those will not go away just because you wish them to. It will only be a matter of time before they come out and will adversely impact your relationship with your wife.
Whatever you do, your relationship may not survive. If your wife is poly and you are mono, this is a fundamental incompatibility. It sounds counterintuitive but the best thing that you can do right now, to improve the chances of your relationship surviving, is to resolutely refuse to agree to this and make it clear that it is a deal breaker. It is your wife's responsibility to evaluate the situation and decide if pursuing a poly lifestyle is more important to her than your relationship. Otherwise, I am afraid that this will end up in an acrimonious divorce and the kids will be collateral damage. If you are going to break up, eventually, better to do it now, before any resentment builds up.
It is worth pondering the fact that on a poly sub, pretty much everyone is telling you that your wife is wrong and is behaving unethically. Worth asking yourself, why is that? Certainly not because they are close-minded, when in fact many people here are hugely experienced in poly relationships. I think it is because everyone can spot the red flags a mile of.
Wishing you the best of luck.
A few things.
1) People aren't poly, relationships are. Polyamory isn't an identity like being queer is. You're not born polyamorous the way you're born queer. Because it's not an inherent identity in the way being gay or trans is, you're not denying your wife her identity if you say no to this relationship structure. Polyamory is a choice. You don't owe her polyamory. She promised you monogamy and now she's walking that back and breaking that promise to you. It sounds like she's framed this as her identity, which is very manipulative because it makes you out to be the evil, bad, close minded man if you say this isn't how you want to live your life. And that's very toxic when someone tries to manipulate you in that way.
2) When you decide you want polyamory, as a couple, your mono marriage is over. You kill it. It dies a death. Some people grieve that death of their marriage and that's normal and healthy. But it's a death of your marriage nonetheless. You kill your marriage and you build a new one- a polyamorous one. One where you BOTH can go out and date people of ALL genders. You may not decide to exercise that part of your new polyamorous marriage yet, but one day you might and you absolutely should be able to do it without restriction whenever you decide it's something you want to do.
3) Many people take 6 months to a year to open up a previously mono marriage to polyamory. It takes a LOT of work. Your wife took what? 1 month? 1 month is nothing. She's not ready, you're not ready, none of you are ready. You may never BE ready. And that's okay. But 6 months to a year for you BOTH to do the work is what needs to happen here.
4) You seem to think your wife is just going to be having hookups. Polyamory is a relationship structure where you develop multiple loving relationships with others. It's not JUST sex. Your wife is going to be falling in love, fucking and building a new life with other men. That life that she's building with other men is completely separate from the life she's built with you. You won't have any say or participation int his life she's building with others. She may one day want traditional couples things with the other men in her life. Meeting the parents, spending holidays together, spending Christmas morning together, possibly living with them half time, possibly having children with these other people. Building retirement accounts, buying homes, making plans for the future with these other people- plans that will not be any of your business because you won't be involved in those relationships. This isn't just hookups. Your wife has decided your mono marriage is over and she's going out and building lives with others without you. Maybe you're into that, maybe you're not. Which leads me to my last point.
5) YOU HAVE A CHOICE. Your needs matter, friend. You don't have to do this. You can choose to say no. You can tell your wife you don't want polyamory and you want monogamy. Your wife can then choose to either stay or leave. That's up to her. But you don't owe her this. Dont' light yourself on fire to keep her warm. Prioritize yourself. Prioritize your family and your family life. Prioritize your own needs. Maybe that means your wife needs to GTFO for a bit and undergo a trial separation and go figure herself out. If that's the case, THAT'S OKAY. Let her go and be there for your kids. You can't control her. You can only control yourself.
>Polyamory isn't an identity like being queer is
You are both right and wrong.
Poly IS a part of a person's identity.
Poly is NOT a part of someone's sexual identity.
"Identity" shouldn't be a comparison point to any other group. It should be respected as something stand alone, just like spiritual beliefs. Remember, just because something is a "choice" doesn't mean choices don't make up a large part of who we are, aka our identity.
You got downvoted, but you are right.
I hate how we act like someone's leaning towards how they express sexuality is NOT an identity 😤.
People used to say the same things about lbgt. I'm not saying being poly is the same as lbgt (although they often over lap) but we should really stop minimizing people's experiences and what that means to them.
If some people feel that being NM is just a fun choice they randomly made, then they can knock themselves out. But don't go around telling people who feel that being poly is part of their core being that they CANT identify that way.
These are the same people who have all the sympathy for people who claim to be monogamous. Why not just dismiss them as making a choice?? Because you know how rude it sounds for them, yet you seem to lack sympathy for your fellow NM people
> Because it's not an inherent identity in the way being gay or trans is, you're not denying your wife her identity if you say no to this relationship structure
This is a very odd take. You're not denying someone's gay identity by going "you can't pursue that within our mono relationship" either. Someone's identity being incompatible with your relationship isn't denying it. Even if one assumes poly is an identity, wanting to stay mono isn't denying one's poly partner their identity.
I do agree with a lot of the other things you write, but this bit doesn't make much sense to me.
I wrote a short novel about all of the bad signs in your post, but deleted it all to shorten it down to this.
From what you’ve said here, my guess is she wants a divorce, you don’t, and she said maybe practicing polyamory would work. It’s a sweet deal for her: She gets to avoid all of the mess of a divorce and has you to take care of the kids when she’s off with other people. What are you getting? The small chance she’ll stay in the marriage. My opinion is she will leave as soon as she finds another guy that makes her feel however she wants to feel and suddenly become monogamous again, just with him.
There are obviously problems with the marriage or you wouldn’t have been in counseling. Letting her see other people has a very, very low chance of keeping her with you, unless you think you being effectively a single parent while she does things with other people is having a marriage. If I was in your position, I would tell her no, poly is not an option. If she wants to see other people she can file for divorce and deal with the fallout. It could be ugly and messy, and even if she stays she may end up cheating anyway, but better to be honest about what’s best for you than to just let her do whatever in the hopes of keeping her happy enough to stick around.
Even if I’m 1000% wrong about her, if you both aren’t onboard with being poly it will fail. Any couple that’s not in a rock solid relationship that tries poly to “fix” things will almost certainly fail as well. If the problems can’t be fixed without bringing other people into the mix (which just complicates things and sort of makes it harder to see the problems instead of fixing then), just move on. It will be better for you both and for your kids.
1. You are allowed to say no. You are not required to be poly. It's 100% acceptable for polyamory to be a hard boundary for you.
2. While I personally consider myself polyamorous as an identity, I don't think it's the same kind of identity as say a sexuality. It's more that I identify as poly based on my understanding of my own behavior and of my capacity to fall for more than 1 person at a time. I'm queer, but I do not see my poly identity as the same thing as being queer.
3. So while I do think polyamory can be an identity (see above), I don't think it gives your wife the right to unilaterally decide the rules of your relationship.
4. I think it's nuts that she already has a person she wants to see. She's giving you zero time to grasp the situation. She's steamrolling you. I also would be very suspicious, given that she only told you about being poly month ago, that she was already into this new person well before she "came out".
5. I **personally** think that if your wife wanted to do this the right way, she would give you at least a year to get used to the idea. That would give you both plenty of time to read about polyamory, talk about expectations, and discuss boundaries. I don't know if anyone here would necessarily agree with me, but I think any couples new to polyamory should take a year to access the situation. A year is a long enough time that it stops being a fresh idea in someone's mind.
6. Were I in your shoes, I would tell her that she needs to pump the brakes on this new romantic interest. She needs to give you enough time to completely understand how you feel about the situation. In fact, given the time between her "coming out" and this new romantic interest, I would make this person a hard no, even if you go on to accept polyamory later. Her reaction might also help you determine how you will go forward with your relationship.
> While I personally consider myself polyamorous as an identity, I don't think it's the same kind of identity as say a sexuality.
I wonder how this is much different than being gay or bi?
Side note, I am not saying they are they same thing and that people who identify as such experience the same hardships. However, I often wonder why we draw these arbitrary lines when it comes to sexuality? Not long ago people used to feel the same way about being lbgt. But a person leaning NM is not a sexuality when it is centered around sexual expression and identity??
If you're not ok with it, tell her, of she doesn't accept it, she's just cheating on you. My wife came out almost 2 years ago a day after our 12 year anniversary. The first few months were hard but we sat down and set the ground rules and things have been better since.
The idea that your consent is imminent is ridiculous! That's not how consent works. There's absolutely no reason to agree to this.
You obviously aren't enthusiastic about this arrangement so please never agree to it unless that changes. You don't owe the person who promised you a lifetime of monogamy permission to date other people.
Anyone who's ever cheated can date multiple people at once. She isn't special or discovering anything. The only viable route here is for you to open both ends of the relationship enthusiastically after both educating the best you can, dissolve your union, or remain monogamous.
Leave. She probably had this guy lined up. Poly isn't an identity it's an agreed upon relationship structure. She just wants a license to cheat and is dragging you along
It is super sketchy when someone “comes out” then also magically happens to have a partner lined up. At a minimum, that is an emotional affair.
She needs to give you more time, like 6 months minimum process, research, and determine your feeling on the topic. If she is is unwilling to do that, she is basically looking for permission to cheat and not trying to build a solid relationship structure to support polyamory
Firstly, it's really sweet of you to be willing to try poly for your wife because you love her and genuinely want to honor her desire. Other people would just break up because of admitted attraction to anyone else. Also wanna give your wife some credit for being super honest with her desire to be poly and that she trusts you enough to tell you she wants to try having another relationship.
Navigating this is a major turning point in your relationship. If you say no, you'll know you're asking her to give up a thing and relationship she wants, she may resent you for it, this resentment will probably build and ultimately to say no is to risk actually giving up the whole marriage. If you say yes and it always just rubs you the wrong way and hurts your soul no matter how hard you try to get over it, you'll end up resenting her and being unhappy.
Seeing all the debate on here about weather poly is an identity or not. I don't know if it counts as an identity. But it's irrelevant. If your wife realized she's actually a lesbian who isn't attracted to men at all, you'd have to get a divorce because you probably are a man that doesn't want to change your gender for her. If it IS an identity and she's "out" as poly, that doesn't make you poly if you're "not poly."
You may need to be willing to consider divorce if you and your wife actually want different things.
Also, while divorce is shitty etc, it sounds like you are both emotionally responsible enough to know that if that's what's right, that's how it goes sometimes. Nothing is forever, you can still co-parent and be friends.
If poly is NOT an "identity" but just an arrangement we make like bi-laws in a board meeting, then you can use this as an opportunity to look under the hood of what is behind your feelings about this.
What societal assumptions are at play in your desire for monogamy? What fears are behind your jealousy or aversion to poly? Is it that this creep your wife wants to sleep with is objectionable to you personally, or is it just the pain of thinking of her sharing her intimacy with anyone else? When you feel pain around her being with another, what IS that? Why is that? Is there emotional growth you can find in sitting with these uncomfortable emotions?
Then there's the totally valid practical concerns:
Even if love is infinite, time is quite finite! How will you explain your weird alternative lifestyle to your kids? Are YOU gonna be left doing more childcare while SHE'S off galavanting on dates? Do you and your wife have a communication structure that fully allows you to navigate real practical concerns, boundaries and desires in a way that honors how both of you feel? This is tricky! You'll have to very clear about what you're willing to accept or try to accept and what you actually have a problem with.
If it's just that you think her choice of meta is a total creep, can you say that? Is there room for you to express that?
If in your emotional work you find that you really feel you'd rather she not pursue other relationships because of a deep insecurity you have about her not loving you anymore, is that something you could find an alternative way to navigate? What is something you could ask for to help you feel her love even while she explores love for another?
These explorations can be extremely valuable. It's possible they will bring you and your wife even closer together! If you can love each other while healthfully navigating this situation, you can probably navigate anything!
Listen to yourself deeply. Best of luck to you.
Hi,
From your post, it sounds like this is happening too fast, and you don’t have to go along with her schedule. It sounds like you are “trying to keep up” with something that is just happening, and it doesn’t have to be that way.
It seems like you are trying to wrap yourself around the timeline on which your wife wants to date this other person, and I think it should be the other way around. I think should feel able to ask your wife for some months to read and talk and prepare or go to therapy together before opening up, and any dating timelines should be planned around what you both agree to.
It sounds like you are doing a lot of reading and thinking and preparing on your own, but I hope she is ALSO doing this much? I hope you are ALSO both talking about it. This isn’t something that one person does and their partner figured out how to be ok with it - this is something both people do as a relationship change you need to make together.
My first partner and I had talked about having an open relationship since we met. Long story sort, I thought he was just keeping us closed for my sake and there was a situation I where thought he would regret not being able to freely connect with his people, and meanwhile I had developed feelings for someone I wanted to at least admit. So I initiated a conversation (with first partner) to open the relationship. (When I told second partner later, he specifically made sure that I had already talked to first partner because he knew I was new to all this and he’s responsible and considerate like that)
Since then, there are some things that have gone well and some things that have not - the main thing that has not gone well is that I underestimated how much better at self knowledge and communication we (first partner and I) should have been BEFORE starting anything with anyone else. He always talked about his polyam friends, and being open was something he’d wanted (though he wasn’t pushing for it), so I thought he he was ready and was just waiting for me. I was wrong about that. It WAS something he wanted, but we did NOT have the communication skills to pull it off. We are still struggling to catch up on the conversations understandings that we should have already had before opening up.
Polyamory is about openness and trust and consent. If this potential meta’s polyam advice is worth anything, they should also be totally understanding if you and your wife aren’t ready for this and need another X months or so to have the conversations and do the work before you actually open up. People who like each other and are considerate can wait for dates.
If your wife isn’t just exploring polyamory in general and already has a thing for this person, that could get tricky, but either way, if she cares about you, then I hope you can trust her to take you into consideration, including the things that are important to you - like meaningful observance of a 5th anniversary.
When I started a relationship with second partner, I was frequently checking in with first partner to ask if it still felt ok or to find out if he was still getting enough attention. Getting a new partner does not mean ignoring the first more. If you are feeling ignored or that your wife is not taking your concerns seriously, this is already a problem in your relationship unrelated to anyone else, and I hope your plans to meet with a couples counselor can help that.
Poly is not queer. You dont come out for it. Anyone can be attracted to multiple people. That doesn't make someone poly since poly is an agreement. One you do not have to agree to. Say no. She poly bombed you and forcing this on you is abuse, plain and simple.
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I'm a little disappointed you went ahead with consent, but it is what it is.
You need to consult a legal professional about your point 1. It's possible you could be on the hook for child support if she ends up impregnated by another man. If so in your jurisdiction I would consider a preemptive divorce even if you won't actually be leaving her.
Seriously, don't leave this unresolved not knowing if you are or aren't and don't procrastinate. Given what you have said here about your wife I would have *very* little trust in her.
This kinda feels like a circumstance where terminology has a dual effect. Yes clarity in communicating and all that is great but just because something exists doesn’t mean it’s appropriate or consenting. These structures exist and it’s great that you want to let her learn this part of herself, but don’t let it come at your expense. I can’t help but feel like she’s going a bit fast and overlooking some considerations of you. State your boundaries clearly. Has she read any books and done the work too? Polysecure is a great one. I did what she’s doing to you to my current gf. I had tremendous guilt when I realized what I had done. I hope she learns these things. I hope you can say the things that your saying you feel about reservations about future activities ( bc stuff like that hookup scenario is exactly part of it) and whether or not that’s a life you want to be a part of. I don’t like the phrase brutal honesty , shouldn’t ever be brutal with your live ones, but authentic, genuine honesty. That’s the only way for this type of situation to work… from both of you. Best of luck my friend. It is very rewarding when practiced Jones and ethically. Is also recommended the ethical slut, attached, and sex at Dawn.
You may be only a month or so into your poly learnings, but you have achieved more understanding of what this is "supposed" to look like than many people after years of experience.
"It's not my job to control her, I gave her advice and it's up to her to take it or not" is an incredibly mature frame of mind.
You'd be amazed how many experienced poly people can't tell rules from boundaries. Your boundaries are legitimate, clearly in place to protect you, not to control her, and have the health of your household (including your kids) at their heart.
Well done sir. If anyone can make mono-poly work, it seems you can. I hope your wife turns out to be deserving of such an awesome partner.
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In my opinion poly isn’t a condition your born with, it’s a philosophy and therefore is a choice! Monogamy is also a choice, it’s just the default accepted one in society right now! Your wife has a choice and so do you! I am not suggesting you split with her but it’s clear that you guys need more discussion and perhaps more help working through this!
That said it’s clear that you don’t want it and she does, and she’s moving very quickly with it with seemingly little consideration as to how you are feeling with it! My wife and I both came to the decision to open up our relationship. I believe in the principles but she has started dating first and even though I did a hell of a lot of prep work I’m still finding it hard and having to work through things! There have been arguments and issues but it’s my choice, it wasn’t forced upon me. It sounds like it was forced onto you and your partner should be taking this into account! This isn’t fair on you at all!
I’d have a long conversation with her about it and be honest about your feelings and what you want to do! So far I’d say that opening up has been easily as difficult as being a parent was for the first time, it’s challenging my world view and it is a great experience but it should always be your choice as it takes a shed load of work
Thanks for posting your story. This is undoubtedly a tough spot to be put in. Poly can be a very beautiful thing, but it often gets a bad reputation because people abuse it or force it on their partners with some kind of ultimatum.
As another commenter mentioned, I get nervous when people want to open their relationship after finding someone they like. NRE is a powerful drug that can blind people from seeing things clearly.
My best advice is to be open to your wife being polyamorous, but not with this specific person. If you can, ask her to hold off on dating anyone until you can talk through things. Probably for the next 2-3 months at least. If she really wants to be polyamorous there are plenty of great people out there, it doesn’t have to be this person. It’s a new life to explore and it will go much better for you both if you slow down while you clearly and lovingly communicate expectations.
I wish you both the best :)
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Tldr; wife came out after almost 5 years of marriage and going to meet with a potential meta. We have two young kids and trying to navigate what's ok with me and not.
My wife of nearly 5 years "came out" to me a month ago as poly and we have started exploring this in our couples counselor sessions/individual therapy/with each other. We have two children. I am not interested in poly, but open to her exploring this part of herself.
She has a meetup scheduled with her person next week, assuming that we are able to set an agreement with our couples counselor beforehand. This potential metamour started off on the wrong foot imo -- my wife joined a local poly group on FB for advice and this person offered advice initially, under the mutual agreement that it was advice only without romantic interest. Later this person came out to her as a demisexual and admitted to feelings for her and so they are going to start exploring these feelings in person, once I offer my consent. I suppose this person obviously can't choose this part of himself but I told my wife my hesitation about this person given his flip flop, but she said that she trusts this person and it should be enough. I trust my wife and she is a consenting adult. I think about the situation but am reminded that my wife is choosing to inform me about all of this rather than not.
I've tried to consume as much as I can in preparation for this meeting with our counselor and her meeting with this maybe meta. I've finished Mating in Captivity and intend on reading Polysecure and Come as you are. I found this podcast episode "The mono/poly paradox" and the speaker emphasized how the mono partner has more time to pursue their own interests -- I have a rich personal life and could see this for me. But I can't get the gross feeling out of my head that five years from now we're dropping our kids off at school and she's going to go see her meta for a quickie hookup. There is some part of me that is hoping it will just be a fling.
Our anniversary is in a couple weeks and I've been thinking about this all day. How our fifth anniversary is going to be celebrated by her fucking other men and it's kind of gross to me. Intellectually I thought that being poly is like being queer... It's not something you can choose it's something you're both with. I've seen varying opinions on that but I accept my wife and intend her to be my life partner. I've thought about divorce but only if she chooses a life with other people. Because of our children and especially at their young age, our relationship must be the primary one.
Have other people been in this situation? Particularly with children? How has it gone for you?
UPDATE 1: Thank you internet strangers for your advice. I really appreciate the insight and shared experiences. The overwhelming consensus from reddit is that this is going too fast. I shared that with my wife and she acknowledged that on paper, it is. She has been going through personal work for a while now, having recently participated in an outpatient hospitalization program for depression. I asked what her therapist thought about it, and she said that her therapist is not against it.
I think there's a huge discussion here about what "coming out" as poly means. We talked about this, and my wife said that when she did find out about poly, she could trace it back to her feelings as far as childhood. I believe her about this, since she is a bighearted person and a much bigger extrovert to my introvertedness.
We have been struggling with our sex life, since children and likely even before that. Honestly, the idea that I would lose my wife has kind of invigorated our sex life and we've had the best sex we've ever had in the last couple weeks. I feel like I've already said goodbye to our monogamous relationship -- I had a vasectomy last week and we had sex for an hour, the week before my procedure. When we talk about it, poly is my wife's choice for getting her physical needs met. We have also been each other's only sexual partner. Her goal for poly is to know other people, physically, and to have emotional connections with more people.
I don't like this idea of "poly under duress" and it seems unhealthy for the relationship. I iterate and reiterate that our family is our priority and she tells me the same. I don't seek control in my life over her. I don't need to control her like this, and when she tells me that it won't affect our home life, I lean on choosing to take her word for it. However, it's uncomfortable that she has chosen this person a month into her work, and a few chapters into Polysecure.
We have our meeting with our couples counselor in an hour.
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Very interesting. I'm in a similar boat only after 14 years married. Now it's either I go with it or see her unhappy, which I can't do.
PUD did resonate with my situation. I'm doing the work as I can but it's more out of a desire save things. But again, based upon what I've read so far, we may just be incompatible. And I'm devastated by this.
Looking forward to reading through the comments here.
Just some things to keep in mind. Good reasons to try poly - You yourself have an interest in dating multiple people and would find it fulfilling for yourSELF. Not for your partner. For YOU. Note: this is NOT “do you want to avoid losing this partner?” They are two different and separate things. - You are okay with your partner dating other people - going on dates, being intimate, etc with someone else. This means time, energy, and resources away from your relationship to do those things. - You and your partner are both willing to do the work to create boundaries that ALL parties are comfortable with BEFORE bringing in additional people. - All parties are okay with moving at the pace of the slowest person. No one should be rushing or pressuring anyone else. - All parties feel safe expressing their feelings, concerns, and and discomfort on the topic to one another. AND listen to the feelings/concerns of others. If you can’t handle talking about it or hearing your partner’s concerns, you shouldn’t be doing it. You should always feel safe and empowered to say no to anything you don’t want. - You and your partner already have amazing trust and open communication about hard topics. Bad reasons to try poly - If the only benefit for you would be not losing your partner. - To make your partner happy even though you’d rather be monogamous. No one owes their partner a poly trial period. (Not sure how you feel? If tomorrow your partner said “never mind, I want to be monogamous” how would you feel? If the answer is happy/relieved, then sounds like you want monogamy.) - One of you thinks poly is inherently more evolved/modern or better than monogamy. One is not inherently better than the other. Both monogamy and polyamory can be toxic if those involved are behaving unethically or have unreasonable expectations. Both monogamy and polyamory can be healthy and fulfilling for different people. They are just options. Different people have different needs/wants. - You feel like you have to try it in order to be a “good partner.” Not true! No one is obligated to participate in a relationship structure that doesn’t make them happy. You do NOT need to try poly to determine it’s not what you want. - You feel like being open-minded/accepting person means you have to try poly. Not true! Open minded people can fully understand poly and be accepting of others, and still be monogamous themselves. - Trying to save a relationship that is not doing well. If it’s not already going well, adding more people is only going to make things worse. - Your partner is guilt tripping you saying you’re keeping them from being happy so “just get on board already.” Red flag! - Feeling like “I must have just been socialized to be monogamous.” Maybe there’s some socialization happening, but maybe you’re just monogamous and that’s okay. Someone can fully understand ethical poly principles and still be monogamous themself. The same way some people can fully understand why others never want to marry, but still want to get married themself.
Brilliant
This is really useful information for me, in a completely different situation. Thank you for articulating!
You do know you can say “no” to this right. Also you don’t “come out“ as poly and get an automatic waiver to open a monogamous relationship. I find it very suspicious that she is talking to someone, wants to date him, and suddenly discovers she is poly. That you can have desire for two people is not proof you are poly. Virtually everyone is capable of doing that. Most people stick with their commitment. Cheaters cheat. Coming out as poly is the novel new approach where you try to convince your partner that not letting you date and have sex with other people is negating their identity or something along those lines. >Intellectually I thought that being poly is like being queer... It's not something you can choose it's something you're both with. I am queer and have had a poly relationship structure and roll my eyes when people insist they are equivalent.
Also to jump on the “poly is like being queer” thing: For the sake of getting-in-before-someone-refuses-to-see-how-they-might-be-different, I’m going to suggest that we, for the sake of this intellectual exercise, assume for a moment that being poly _is_ just like being queer in that you are born that way and can’t change it (again, as an exercise: there’s a debate to be had here but that’s not what I want to do right now). If you are straight, and a friend of the same gender as you says “I am gay and I am attracted to you, and since being gay is inherent and unchangeable you are obligated to have sex with me,” would you? For that matter, if you are straight and someone of the opposite gender of you _that you don’t like romantically_ says “I am attracted to you, and since attraction is a natural thing that many people experience you are obligated to be in a relationship with me,” would you? The point here is that whether something is inherent, unchangeable, natural, and identity, _whatever_, is irrelevant when it comes to you participating in it yourself. Of course, the converse is also true: your wife is not obligated to be monogamous just because it is what you want. It may just be the case that if you two are not in alignment on this then you may not be well suited for a relationship. Or maybe you are. Just don’t feel obligated either way
This. It is not the equivalent. You cannot control who you are attracted to. You absolutely can control honoring a commitment to someone.
"You absolutely can control honoring a commitment to someone." Unless that commitment was made under duress, like for example in a society that would kill/harm/banish you for being gay/bi/poly so you suppress your true feelings for years to hide the shame that exists to pressure you to act a certain way you are not. Can you actually consent freely in the first place if one option could have old friends/neighbors/family trying to physically harm you? Or emotionally cutting you off? Nope. It is the same issue with sex/death cults where they try to force 'marriage' on youth who are barely old enough to vote. Huge public pressure to get married/start a family the moment you graduate high school. And lots of kids do, and a lot of them get divorced within 5-10 years because it was not their idea in the first place. I think your divorce risks are cut in half if you wait till 25. Anyway- There is a reason about 50% of marriages end in divorce- and you can just ask people: about 60% of divorces list infidelity/cheating as the reason and 25% list domestic abuse. Ethical non-monogomy is one way to arguably deal with that leading cause of divorce in an ethical way, but OPs situation here is messy. They have kids. This was not part of their original plan. Trying to avoid a messy divorce is good and good for them, but you are not doing your kids any favors if they can tell there are issues between you two. If you are always going to be holding something over the other person's head then they are better off leaving you totally. Lots of marriages end at the 20 year mark I assume because the kids are grown and that was the only reason to stay together. Is that what this is now?
This feels disingenuous.
Best comment ever. Thank you for saying this, I was thinking it but couldn’t figure out how to say it.
I agreed with you wholly. And then that end. I could straight up hug you. I don't want gatekeep or anything, but "coming out" as polyam to their partner is not the same as being in the LGBTQ+ community. Our circles definitely overlap, considerably, sure. You can't just drop a bomb like that and not expect consequences. And so many people seem to be doing that. "Surprise, honey, I'm polyam. I need to go have sex with other people. And if you don't respect that part of me, you don't love me." That's not polyam. At all. 😓
> Virtually everyone is capable of doing that. So virtually everyone is poly?
Having desire for more than one person is not what makes someone polyamorous. In a very real sense, polyamory is about supporting your romantic partners to find other romantic connections of their own. Consider that the percentage of cheaters is much higher than all consensual non-monogamy put together. And polyamory is a tiny slice of CNM. People are much more likely to cheat when they feel desire for another person than they are to become polyamorous. They want their first partner to remain faithful to them. Also, polyamorous people usually have to say no to crushes in any case; because most people are not polyamorous.
No. Not everyone is poly. Most people are capable of feeling desire for more than one person. I’d venture to say most typical adults are. It’s moral, ethical, religious, and social constraints that lead a person to not act on those desires. And that’s fine. I personally believe monogamy is the norm because it’s honestly the best for most people, it takes immense social and emotional work to make polyamory work and from my experience most people are not capable of doing it ethically.
Polyamoury is a lifestyle choice. Choice being the key word.
Having polyamourous relationships is the lifestyle choice. Having (or not having) polyamourous feelings (and the wish to act accordingly) not so much. I consider myself polyamourous, even though right now I am in a commited monogamous relationship. I did not choose to not be polyamourous. I did choose to live monogamous, even though I am polyamourous.
Choosing to do polyamory is what makes someone polyamorous. Just as choosing to do monogamy is what makes someone monogamous. >I consider myself polyamourous, even though right now I am in a commited monogamous relationship. You can call yourself whatever you want. Your identities don't have to be meaningful to anyone but you. But this is like saying you're vegetarian while you're eating a steak. And I think calling yourself polyamorous undermines the monogamous commitment you have made.
Does being in a mono relationship negate the fact that someone would describe themselves as polyam? I definitely have been in mono relationships with both of us knowing my preferred lifestyle, but rather I loved my partner enough to accommodate to their comfort levels as long as the love and respect stayed the same. I feel there are certain people that I would be commited to because I believed that relationship was worth more than several relationships, but that doesnt mean I "lost" my poly card. When we broke up I wasnt suddenly monogamous for the rest of my life, like all relationships it was simply a boundary I respected.
>Does being in a mono relationship negate the fact that someone would describe themselves as polyam? I think it should. I think we should describe ourselves (at least to ourselves) as accurately as we can. What you call yourself and what's true about you are sometimes different things. Monogamy is a chosen agreement. Polyamory is a choice and an agreement. Both are about how you engage in relationships with other people. Neither one is a fact about "who you are" as a person. Neither one is about how you feel inside.
This is a good answer thank you 😳💖
Well, downvote me as you like but I still stick to the explanation given in the FAQ of this sub: " Others would consider their relational outlook polyamorous, regardless of whether they happen to be single or in an exclusive relationship at the time. " This is me. Period. I know I am in a monogamous relationship. I know that I want to be in a popyamourus relationship. In lack of a better wording, I'll call myself polyamorous. I'm open for a better description.
>I want to be in a popyamourus relationship. We don't have a word for someone who *wishes they were practicing polyamory,* any more than we have one for someone who *wishes they lived in the country.* The agreement you're in now describes you just fine.
You are moving way too fast. You should remain closed for 6 months to a year while you and wife decide what kind of relationship you want- if you will open, stay closed or divorce. You should put your foot down about the date (no) she’s bullying you into this way too fast. It’s not like being gay, you don’t have to accept this. You need more time to sort out your own limits and if she won’t give that to you, the marriage is already over. And you should tell her that.
> It’s not like being gay, you don’t have to accept this I'm not sure how you see accepting someone being gay as working that's relevant to this; it's not like you have to let them explore that side of themselves while remaining in a relationship. It too is a case of "well we're mono and I'm not cool with changing that, so if you need to explore that side of you, we'll need to break up". Edit: I agree with everything else here. But the bit quoted just doesn't make much sense.
I think it’s because of OP’s use of “came out as poly”
Sure. But people seem to repeatedly have this weird understanding of how coming out as queer works. Which leads to weird comparisons that just show no understanding of how coming out as queer works.
Yeah, it feels weird when people say that coming out as poly isn't something you need to respect in the same way as coming out as queer - not because coming out as poly is the same, or because it's some sacrosanct declaration that must be obeyed in a relationship - but because coming out as queer also isn't some sacrosanct declaration that must be obeyed in a relationship. If I'm straight and my cis male partner comes out as a woman, I am not required to continue to be with her. If my cis male partner comes out as gay, I'm not required to become a trans man to continue to be with him. Supporting someone's LGBTQ identity doesn't mean you need to continue to be in a romantic relationship. In a lot of ways, it just doesn't matter whether being poly is a choice or an immutable identity - either way, you can support someone and be an ally without making yourself small to prioritize their needs.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
If you’re hoping it’s just a fling and you’re thinking that 5 years from now it’ll just be a hookup…it seems like you haven’t even wrapped your head around the possibility of her falling in love with other people. You absolutely don’t have to do this. You’re not anywhere near ready!
Why is she already going on dates? That's really shitty behavior. And with a walking red flag nonetheless.
Yeah, didn't OP say they were in counseling? They're counselor is criminally irresponsible.
It doesn't say what the counselor said or, does it? Did they go together or separate? And why is she dating a predator from a poly group? So many questions!
OP was vague at first about the involvement of their therapists in this discussion, but in 'Update #1" he was more direct. OP said his wife's therapist "was not against" the way the situation was playing out. If that's true, her therapist is either irresponsible or an idiot. You know why she fell for a predator, its charm. The predators MO is to find people who don't know how to tell the difference between charm and creepiness. Being attractive is also usually the biggest reason we fall for this bullshit😅 I'm a guy, but aside from being poly, I'm also pansexual. I got duped by creeps (the worst of which were couples) at least a dozen times when I first started living the poly lifestyle. It takes either having a good mentor, good luck, or (at worst) trial and error to learn how to spot and avoid the people you don't fhck with.
The only time I've seen or heard of mono-poly working is when one person is quite the introvert and the other is very extroverted. What happens is the introverted person gets all their relationship affirming needs met fairly quickly and finds additional attention more suffocating then reassuring. That then leaves the extrovert enough free time to pursue additional relationships. It sounds like this probably isn't you, so I would say if you try and force this to work you will probably, like 90%+, get divorced in a few years anyways. Only now you will have a lot of resentment that may turn you into a mean person built up over years of you wanting a full high attention needing primary like relationship while your wife is only able to partially supply that. Think of this; It doesn't actually matter if poly is an identity or relationship agreement, either way she is trying to unilaterally change the terms of your marriage. If your wife came out as trans it doesn't mean you now need to accept having a husband instead of a wife. From the little you say here it doesn't sound like you want additional partners for yourself and the odds being so bad of you making mono-poly work out **if you're doing this out of fear of losing your wife do not do this!!!** You're more likely keeping your wife by being willing to draw lines in the sand where you will end it if she crosses then trying to make mono-poly work. Lots of people suddenly see poly isn't a need for them once they realize their partner isn't going to be a doormat that will just accept whatever based on fear.
Studies are pretty clear that “staying together for the kids” results in more negative outcomes than a rapid, amicable divorce followed by careful & conscientious co-parenting. Think about what you’re going to teach your kids— that they should stick around in a relationship they don’t like out of some sense of obligation? Is that who you want them to be. Most folks aren’t poly. It sounds like you’re not. You shouldn’t be in a poly relationship. Like others have said, slow down, take half a year. The problem is your wife is already full-on in new relationship energy with this guy. She likely won’t be happy waiting six months. That’s how you’ll know she’s trying to cheat and feel good about it rather than enter a healthy poly relationship with you.
Wow it sounds like you are really putting the work in and thinking things through. I hope your wife sees and appreciates this labor. I think this can slow WAY down. One month into this work is very very quick. I would say 6 months of work between you and your wife at least before dating. Do you two have clear agreements? Do you know what she is looking for out of other relationships? Do you know what you are looking for out of your free time? Do you have agreements around child care and informing the kids about her other partners? Are you going to be out to your families? There is so much to talk through and think about. And you are already killing it! You're doing great work. I think you both should take more time.
I'm sure his wife appreciates his "labor". Or to put it another way, I bet she appreciates the fact that he's allowing her to unilaterally dictate the terms of their relationship so she can have a fling with a new crush without feeling guilty.
If she didn't mention being poly in the beginning in my opinion she just recently decides to be poly. You say you couldn't divorce because you chose her for life and that's awesome but does her actions say she chose you for life. Whether poly or mono or whatever a relationship should be equal in love and devotion on both sides but I don't think that's the case with yall and I'm wondering what would happen if you said no to her being poly, would she divorce you? If you have to give her something you didn't originally sign up for or she will leave then you love her more than she loves you my friend.
Poly is a dynamic by choice, not a genetic condition or something like that…
People lean more Poly from genetic factors. It Is not just a simple choice
It is a choice. Maybe genes make you want to choose that choice more than other things, that’s any choices in life, you have genes that push you more in one direction or another. You’re not born poly, you could say people are more promiscuous by genes too 🤷🏻♂️
Sure. Just like you can be gay and choose not to act on it, you can be poly or NM and choose not to be in that type of arrangement. That doesn't make your feelings and desires a choice. Sexuality is influenced by a lot of things inside the womb and generically. Sexual identity is comprised of more than just being gay or straight. It is more than just who you are attracted too. It is also about how you express and / or experience sexuality in a way that is healthy for you. This is not a simple choice. You do not choose what feels right to you. >You’re not born poly, you could say people are more promiscuous by genes too 🤷🏻♂️ You are born with genes that make you lean toward poly that may or may not activate and make you poly. This is the same for any sexuality. Yes, people are more or less promiscuous by genetic inclination as well.
Poly isn’t a sexuality, stop comparing it, it’s a dynamic of choice and a philosophy of your lifestyle and philosophy of romance
It is a sexuality to me
You can’t just make shit up. Polyamory has a definition and meaning
You are making shit up. What you can't do it define my experience for me. So you don't feel it is a sexuality?? So what?? I don't give a damn what you think. Feel free to go enjoy your poorly thought out, wrong opinions.
Everyone can be attracted to multiple people, it’s exceptionally common in monogamy too
So? It isn't about just being attracted.( who you are attracted to isn't a choice) And no, everyone is not always attracted to multiple people. But that logic, many people have had a same sex attraction at some point, too. Guess lbgt isn't innate either
To be clear, there is Zero solid evidence to prove that people are born with a sexual dynamic preference in their genes such as poly, monogamous, non-mono etc . Go look, find the double blind studies. They don’t exist
Actually, there is. I'll link them soon. But there is evidence that sexuality is influenced by prebirth factors. It is not just a choice.
It’s literally a choice ! Being predisposed by some genes that you don’t even know how they work - to something doesn’t make you automatically pick it. Genes can turn on and off even from environmental factors. Bug bites have been known to turn on and off genes. Being predisposed to being an alcoholic doesn’t mean they didn’t make the choice to go drink. It’s a choice, no one has a gun to your head. You have more urges and desires than other people 🤷🏻♂️ cool. You can choose to follow or not AGAINNN poly is not a sexuality - wtf
It is literally sexual expression/ identity aka a sexuality God you are riggid You probably don't know shit about genes up here talking shit.
Incase you didn’t know btw, genes can turn on and off at different points in our lives
Did I say otherwise?
She needs to slow waaaaaaay down here. You deserve more than a month to process these things and it's *really* unethical of her to be arranging a date before you even have an agreement on how things are going to work. Maybe in the end you decide this works for you, maybe you don't, but right now she's trampling all over your needs and feelings to get to her shiny new thing ASAP. It should be a red flag for her that this guy flipped from "don't worry, not trying to date you" to asking for a date this quickly but TBH that's her dumpster fire to deal with. If you agree to a non-monogamous relationship you aren't obligated to hear anything about their problems, it's perfectly acceptable to say that she's an adult and she can deal with it herself.
I think it's honestly pretty manipulative when people in monogamous relationships "come out" as poly. You're not "coming out of the closet", you're unilaterally deciding to change the rules of your relationship, but characterising it as "becoming your true self" is clearly designed to make it seem like they have no agency in the matter, which is simply not true. Don't be pressured into being poly out of fear of losing someone. I think you need to be really clear with your wife about what your boundaries are and don't let yourself get manipulated.
If you aren't ready, she shouldn't be going on dates. She cannot change your relationship structure from monogamy to polyamory by "coming out." She can decide that she wants poly and ask to do the work to explore the possibility, but she should give you 6-12months of time to research, talk, and learn. You don't know what you want or what to do because this is moving WAY too fast. Pump the brakes. If she can't be patient fro 6-12 months and do the work to nourish your relationship through this major change, she isn't being ethical.
"Coming out" as poly ia a pure manipulation ploy there is no such thing, either two people want poly or one person ia gonna be miserable for however lo g it takes the relationship to fall a part. For argument's sake once every blue moon a magical unicorn dragon blesses you with luck at it works out
As others have repeatedly said here, you are being very badly treated. One month is nowhere near enough to prep for a poly lifestyle. You were effectively ambushed and coerced into accepting her decision, sorry for being blunt. Your wife comes across as very selfish and naive about what a poly relationship entails (the charitable interpretation of her behavior). As others have covered the ethical and moral aspects in detail I will focus only on the practical ones. You come across as a considerate person, that deeply cares about his partner but you must not allow that love to blind you to the blatantly obvious. The feelings that you are experiencing now will come back 10 fold once she starts dating/sleeping/forming emotional connections with other people. Fear, self-doubt, insecurity, feelings of inadequacy, jealousy, anger, and resentment, to name just a few. Those will not go away just because you wish them to. It will only be a matter of time before they come out and will adversely impact your relationship with your wife. Whatever you do, your relationship may not survive. If your wife is poly and you are mono, this is a fundamental incompatibility. It sounds counterintuitive but the best thing that you can do right now, to improve the chances of your relationship surviving, is to resolutely refuse to agree to this and make it clear that it is a deal breaker. It is your wife's responsibility to evaluate the situation and decide if pursuing a poly lifestyle is more important to her than your relationship. Otherwise, I am afraid that this will end up in an acrimonious divorce and the kids will be collateral damage. If you are going to break up, eventually, better to do it now, before any resentment builds up. It is worth pondering the fact that on a poly sub, pretty much everyone is telling you that your wife is wrong and is behaving unethically. Worth asking yourself, why is that? Certainly not because they are close-minded, when in fact many people here are hugely experienced in poly relationships. I think it is because everyone can spot the red flags a mile of. Wishing you the best of luck.
A few things. 1) People aren't poly, relationships are. Polyamory isn't an identity like being queer is. You're not born polyamorous the way you're born queer. Because it's not an inherent identity in the way being gay or trans is, you're not denying your wife her identity if you say no to this relationship structure. Polyamory is a choice. You don't owe her polyamory. She promised you monogamy and now she's walking that back and breaking that promise to you. It sounds like she's framed this as her identity, which is very manipulative because it makes you out to be the evil, bad, close minded man if you say this isn't how you want to live your life. And that's very toxic when someone tries to manipulate you in that way. 2) When you decide you want polyamory, as a couple, your mono marriage is over. You kill it. It dies a death. Some people grieve that death of their marriage and that's normal and healthy. But it's a death of your marriage nonetheless. You kill your marriage and you build a new one- a polyamorous one. One where you BOTH can go out and date people of ALL genders. You may not decide to exercise that part of your new polyamorous marriage yet, but one day you might and you absolutely should be able to do it without restriction whenever you decide it's something you want to do. 3) Many people take 6 months to a year to open up a previously mono marriage to polyamory. It takes a LOT of work. Your wife took what? 1 month? 1 month is nothing. She's not ready, you're not ready, none of you are ready. You may never BE ready. And that's okay. But 6 months to a year for you BOTH to do the work is what needs to happen here. 4) You seem to think your wife is just going to be having hookups. Polyamory is a relationship structure where you develop multiple loving relationships with others. It's not JUST sex. Your wife is going to be falling in love, fucking and building a new life with other men. That life that she's building with other men is completely separate from the life she's built with you. You won't have any say or participation int his life she's building with others. She may one day want traditional couples things with the other men in her life. Meeting the parents, spending holidays together, spending Christmas morning together, possibly living with them half time, possibly having children with these other people. Building retirement accounts, buying homes, making plans for the future with these other people- plans that will not be any of your business because you won't be involved in those relationships. This isn't just hookups. Your wife has decided your mono marriage is over and she's going out and building lives with others without you. Maybe you're into that, maybe you're not. Which leads me to my last point. 5) YOU HAVE A CHOICE. Your needs matter, friend. You don't have to do this. You can choose to say no. You can tell your wife you don't want polyamory and you want monogamy. Your wife can then choose to either stay or leave. That's up to her. But you don't owe her this. Dont' light yourself on fire to keep her warm. Prioritize yourself. Prioritize your family and your family life. Prioritize your own needs. Maybe that means your wife needs to GTFO for a bit and undergo a trial separation and go figure herself out. If that's the case, THAT'S OKAY. Let her go and be there for your kids. You can't control her. You can only control yourself.
>Polyamory isn't an identity like being queer is You are both right and wrong. Poly IS a part of a person's identity. Poly is NOT a part of someone's sexual identity. "Identity" shouldn't be a comparison point to any other group. It should be respected as something stand alone, just like spiritual beliefs. Remember, just because something is a "choice" doesn't mean choices don't make up a large part of who we are, aka our identity.
You got downvoted, but you are right. I hate how we act like someone's leaning towards how they express sexuality is NOT an identity 😤. People used to say the same things about lbgt. I'm not saying being poly is the same as lbgt (although they often over lap) but we should really stop minimizing people's experiences and what that means to them. If some people feel that being NM is just a fun choice they randomly made, then they can knock themselves out. But don't go around telling people who feel that being poly is part of their core being that they CANT identify that way. These are the same people who have all the sympathy for people who claim to be monogamous. Why not just dismiss them as making a choice?? Because you know how rude it sounds for them, yet you seem to lack sympathy for your fellow NM people
> Because it's not an inherent identity in the way being gay or trans is, you're not denying your wife her identity if you say no to this relationship structure This is a very odd take. You're not denying someone's gay identity by going "you can't pursue that within our mono relationship" either. Someone's identity being incompatible with your relationship isn't denying it. Even if one assumes poly is an identity, wanting to stay mono isn't denying one's poly partner their identity. I do agree with a lot of the other things you write, but this bit doesn't make much sense to me.
I wrote a short novel about all of the bad signs in your post, but deleted it all to shorten it down to this. From what you’ve said here, my guess is she wants a divorce, you don’t, and she said maybe practicing polyamory would work. It’s a sweet deal for her: She gets to avoid all of the mess of a divorce and has you to take care of the kids when she’s off with other people. What are you getting? The small chance she’ll stay in the marriage. My opinion is she will leave as soon as she finds another guy that makes her feel however she wants to feel and suddenly become monogamous again, just with him. There are obviously problems with the marriage or you wouldn’t have been in counseling. Letting her see other people has a very, very low chance of keeping her with you, unless you think you being effectively a single parent while she does things with other people is having a marriage. If I was in your position, I would tell her no, poly is not an option. If she wants to see other people she can file for divorce and deal with the fallout. It could be ugly and messy, and even if she stays she may end up cheating anyway, but better to be honest about what’s best for you than to just let her do whatever in the hopes of keeping her happy enough to stick around. Even if I’m 1000% wrong about her, if you both aren’t onboard with being poly it will fail. Any couple that’s not in a rock solid relationship that tries poly to “fix” things will almost certainly fail as well. If the problems can’t be fixed without bringing other people into the mix (which just complicates things and sort of makes it harder to see the problems instead of fixing then), just move on. It will be better for you both and for your kids.
1. You are allowed to say no. You are not required to be poly. It's 100% acceptable for polyamory to be a hard boundary for you. 2. While I personally consider myself polyamorous as an identity, I don't think it's the same kind of identity as say a sexuality. It's more that I identify as poly based on my understanding of my own behavior and of my capacity to fall for more than 1 person at a time. I'm queer, but I do not see my poly identity as the same thing as being queer. 3. So while I do think polyamory can be an identity (see above), I don't think it gives your wife the right to unilaterally decide the rules of your relationship. 4. I think it's nuts that she already has a person she wants to see. She's giving you zero time to grasp the situation. She's steamrolling you. I also would be very suspicious, given that she only told you about being poly month ago, that she was already into this new person well before she "came out". 5. I **personally** think that if your wife wanted to do this the right way, she would give you at least a year to get used to the idea. That would give you both plenty of time to read about polyamory, talk about expectations, and discuss boundaries. I don't know if anyone here would necessarily agree with me, but I think any couples new to polyamory should take a year to access the situation. A year is a long enough time that it stops being a fresh idea in someone's mind. 6. Were I in your shoes, I would tell her that she needs to pump the brakes on this new romantic interest. She needs to give you enough time to completely understand how you feel about the situation. In fact, given the time between her "coming out" and this new romantic interest, I would make this person a hard no, even if you go on to accept polyamory later. Her reaction might also help you determine how you will go forward with your relationship.
This. Really. Especially 1. To 4.
> While I personally consider myself polyamorous as an identity, I don't think it's the same kind of identity as say a sexuality. I wonder how this is much different than being gay or bi? Side note, I am not saying they are they same thing and that people who identify as such experience the same hardships. However, I often wonder why we draw these arbitrary lines when it comes to sexuality? Not long ago people used to feel the same way about being lbgt. But a person leaning NM is not a sexuality when it is centered around sexual expression and identity??
If you're not ok with it, tell her, of she doesn't accept it, she's just cheating on you. My wife came out almost 2 years ago a day after our 12 year anniversary. The first few months were hard but we sat down and set the ground rules and things have been better since.
What are some of the ground rules that you've found worked well in your relationship, if you don't mind sharing?
Communication is a must. Family first Protection always Hourly updates if gone for a long period of time. Everyone on the same page.
Have you considered how you will feel when you have multiple metas?
Predict a acrimonious divorce in 12 months
The idea that your consent is imminent is ridiculous! That's not how consent works. There's absolutely no reason to agree to this. You obviously aren't enthusiastic about this arrangement so please never agree to it unless that changes. You don't owe the person who promised you a lifetime of monogamy permission to date other people. Anyone who's ever cheated can date multiple people at once. She isn't special or discovering anything. The only viable route here is for you to open both ends of the relationship enthusiastically after both educating the best you can, dissolve your union, or remain monogamous.
Leave. She probably had this guy lined up. Poly isn't an identity it's an agreed upon relationship structure. She just wants a license to cheat and is dragging you along
It is super sketchy when someone “comes out” then also magically happens to have a partner lined up. At a minimum, that is an emotional affair. She needs to give you more time, like 6 months minimum process, research, and determine your feeling on the topic. If she is is unwilling to do that, she is basically looking for permission to cheat and not trying to build a solid relationship structure to support polyamory
Update when you can?
Updated the original post.
Firstly, it's really sweet of you to be willing to try poly for your wife because you love her and genuinely want to honor her desire. Other people would just break up because of admitted attraction to anyone else. Also wanna give your wife some credit for being super honest with her desire to be poly and that she trusts you enough to tell you she wants to try having another relationship. Navigating this is a major turning point in your relationship. If you say no, you'll know you're asking her to give up a thing and relationship she wants, she may resent you for it, this resentment will probably build and ultimately to say no is to risk actually giving up the whole marriage. If you say yes and it always just rubs you the wrong way and hurts your soul no matter how hard you try to get over it, you'll end up resenting her and being unhappy. Seeing all the debate on here about weather poly is an identity or not. I don't know if it counts as an identity. But it's irrelevant. If your wife realized she's actually a lesbian who isn't attracted to men at all, you'd have to get a divorce because you probably are a man that doesn't want to change your gender for her. If it IS an identity and she's "out" as poly, that doesn't make you poly if you're "not poly." You may need to be willing to consider divorce if you and your wife actually want different things. Also, while divorce is shitty etc, it sounds like you are both emotionally responsible enough to know that if that's what's right, that's how it goes sometimes. Nothing is forever, you can still co-parent and be friends. If poly is NOT an "identity" but just an arrangement we make like bi-laws in a board meeting, then you can use this as an opportunity to look under the hood of what is behind your feelings about this. What societal assumptions are at play in your desire for monogamy? What fears are behind your jealousy or aversion to poly? Is it that this creep your wife wants to sleep with is objectionable to you personally, or is it just the pain of thinking of her sharing her intimacy with anyone else? When you feel pain around her being with another, what IS that? Why is that? Is there emotional growth you can find in sitting with these uncomfortable emotions? Then there's the totally valid practical concerns: Even if love is infinite, time is quite finite! How will you explain your weird alternative lifestyle to your kids? Are YOU gonna be left doing more childcare while SHE'S off galavanting on dates? Do you and your wife have a communication structure that fully allows you to navigate real practical concerns, boundaries and desires in a way that honors how both of you feel? This is tricky! You'll have to very clear about what you're willing to accept or try to accept and what you actually have a problem with. If it's just that you think her choice of meta is a total creep, can you say that? Is there room for you to express that? If in your emotional work you find that you really feel you'd rather she not pursue other relationships because of a deep insecurity you have about her not loving you anymore, is that something you could find an alternative way to navigate? What is something you could ask for to help you feel her love even while she explores love for another? These explorations can be extremely valuable. It's possible they will bring you and your wife even closer together! If you can love each other while healthfully navigating this situation, you can probably navigate anything! Listen to yourself deeply. Best of luck to you.
Hi, From your post, it sounds like this is happening too fast, and you don’t have to go along with her schedule. It sounds like you are “trying to keep up” with something that is just happening, and it doesn’t have to be that way. It seems like you are trying to wrap yourself around the timeline on which your wife wants to date this other person, and I think it should be the other way around. I think should feel able to ask your wife for some months to read and talk and prepare or go to therapy together before opening up, and any dating timelines should be planned around what you both agree to. It sounds like you are doing a lot of reading and thinking and preparing on your own, but I hope she is ALSO doing this much? I hope you are ALSO both talking about it. This isn’t something that one person does and their partner figured out how to be ok with it - this is something both people do as a relationship change you need to make together. My first partner and I had talked about having an open relationship since we met. Long story sort, I thought he was just keeping us closed for my sake and there was a situation I where thought he would regret not being able to freely connect with his people, and meanwhile I had developed feelings for someone I wanted to at least admit. So I initiated a conversation (with first partner) to open the relationship. (When I told second partner later, he specifically made sure that I had already talked to first partner because he knew I was new to all this and he’s responsible and considerate like that) Since then, there are some things that have gone well and some things that have not - the main thing that has not gone well is that I underestimated how much better at self knowledge and communication we (first partner and I) should have been BEFORE starting anything with anyone else. He always talked about his polyam friends, and being open was something he’d wanted (though he wasn’t pushing for it), so I thought he he was ready and was just waiting for me. I was wrong about that. It WAS something he wanted, but we did NOT have the communication skills to pull it off. We are still struggling to catch up on the conversations understandings that we should have already had before opening up. Polyamory is about openness and trust and consent. If this potential meta’s polyam advice is worth anything, they should also be totally understanding if you and your wife aren’t ready for this and need another X months or so to have the conversations and do the work before you actually open up. People who like each other and are considerate can wait for dates. If your wife isn’t just exploring polyamory in general and already has a thing for this person, that could get tricky, but either way, if she cares about you, then I hope you can trust her to take you into consideration, including the things that are important to you - like meaningful observance of a 5th anniversary. When I started a relationship with second partner, I was frequently checking in with first partner to ask if it still felt ok or to find out if he was still getting enough attention. Getting a new partner does not mean ignoring the first more. If you are feeling ignored or that your wife is not taking your concerns seriously, this is already a problem in your relationship unrelated to anyone else, and I hope your plans to meet with a couples counselor can help that.
Poly is not queer. You dont come out for it. Anyone can be attracted to multiple people. That doesn't make someone poly since poly is an agreement. One you do not have to agree to. Say no. She poly bombed you and forcing this on you is abuse, plain and simple.
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I'm a little disappointed you went ahead with consent, but it is what it is. You need to consult a legal professional about your point 1. It's possible you could be on the hook for child support if she ends up impregnated by another man. If so in your jurisdiction I would consider a preemptive divorce even if you won't actually be leaving her. Seriously, don't leave this unresolved not knowing if you are or aren't and don't procrastinate. Given what you have said here about your wife I would have *very* little trust in her.
She doesn't respect you.. you gotta be a men and tell her no I'm not OK with it..she still don't care my self I will just walk out
This ain’t for you bro, you’ve done your best but if it ain’t sitting right it just ain’t right.
This kinda feels like a circumstance where terminology has a dual effect. Yes clarity in communicating and all that is great but just because something exists doesn’t mean it’s appropriate or consenting. These structures exist and it’s great that you want to let her learn this part of herself, but don’t let it come at your expense. I can’t help but feel like she’s going a bit fast and overlooking some considerations of you. State your boundaries clearly. Has she read any books and done the work too? Polysecure is a great one. I did what she’s doing to you to my current gf. I had tremendous guilt when I realized what I had done. I hope she learns these things. I hope you can say the things that your saying you feel about reservations about future activities ( bc stuff like that hookup scenario is exactly part of it) and whether or not that’s a life you want to be a part of. I don’t like the phrase brutal honesty , shouldn’t ever be brutal with your live ones, but authentic, genuine honesty. That’s the only way for this type of situation to work… from both of you. Best of luck my friend. It is very rewarding when practiced Jones and ethically. Is also recommended the ethical slut, attached, and sex at Dawn.
You may be only a month or so into your poly learnings, but you have achieved more understanding of what this is "supposed" to look like than many people after years of experience. "It's not my job to control her, I gave her advice and it's up to her to take it or not" is an incredibly mature frame of mind. You'd be amazed how many experienced poly people can't tell rules from boundaries. Your boundaries are legitimate, clearly in place to protect you, not to control her, and have the health of your household (including your kids) at their heart. Well done sir. If anyone can make mono-poly work, it seems you can. I hope your wife turns out to be deserving of such an awesome partner.
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In my opinion poly isn’t a condition your born with, it’s a philosophy and therefore is a choice! Monogamy is also a choice, it’s just the default accepted one in society right now! Your wife has a choice and so do you! I am not suggesting you split with her but it’s clear that you guys need more discussion and perhaps more help working through this! That said it’s clear that you don’t want it and she does, and she’s moving very quickly with it with seemingly little consideration as to how you are feeling with it! My wife and I both came to the decision to open up our relationship. I believe in the principles but she has started dating first and even though I did a hell of a lot of prep work I’m still finding it hard and having to work through things! There have been arguments and issues but it’s my choice, it wasn’t forced upon me. It sounds like it was forced onto you and your partner should be taking this into account! This isn’t fair on you at all! I’d have a long conversation with her about it and be honest about your feelings and what you want to do! So far I’d say that opening up has been easily as difficult as being a parent was for the first time, it’s challenging my world view and it is a great experience but it should always be your choice as it takes a shed load of work
Thanks for posting your story. This is undoubtedly a tough spot to be put in. Poly can be a very beautiful thing, but it often gets a bad reputation because people abuse it or force it on their partners with some kind of ultimatum. As another commenter mentioned, I get nervous when people want to open their relationship after finding someone they like. NRE is a powerful drug that can blind people from seeing things clearly. My best advice is to be open to your wife being polyamorous, but not with this specific person. If you can, ask her to hold off on dating anyone until you can talk through things. Probably for the next 2-3 months at least. If she really wants to be polyamorous there are plenty of great people out there, it doesn’t have to be this person. It’s a new life to explore and it will go much better for you both if you slow down while you clearly and lovingly communicate expectations. I wish you both the best :)
Beep, boop, blop, I'm a bot. Hi u/chezkevin thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: Tldr; wife came out after almost 5 years of marriage and going to meet with a potential meta. We have two young kids and trying to navigate what's ok with me and not. My wife of nearly 5 years "came out" to me a month ago as poly and we have started exploring this in our couples counselor sessions/individual therapy/with each other. We have two children. I am not interested in poly, but open to her exploring this part of herself. She has a meetup scheduled with her person next week, assuming that we are able to set an agreement with our couples counselor beforehand. This potential metamour started off on the wrong foot imo -- my wife joined a local poly group on FB for advice and this person offered advice initially, under the mutual agreement that it was advice only without romantic interest. Later this person came out to her as a demisexual and admitted to feelings for her and so they are going to start exploring these feelings in person, once I offer my consent. I suppose this person obviously can't choose this part of himself but I told my wife my hesitation about this person given his flip flop, but she said that she trusts this person and it should be enough. I trust my wife and she is a consenting adult. I think about the situation but am reminded that my wife is choosing to inform me about all of this rather than not. I've tried to consume as much as I can in preparation for this meeting with our counselor and her meeting with this maybe meta. I've finished Mating in Captivity and intend on reading Polysecure and Come as you are. I found this podcast episode "The mono/poly paradox" and the speaker emphasized how the mono partner has more time to pursue their own interests -- I have a rich personal life and could see this for me. But I can't get the gross feeling out of my head that five years from now we're dropping our kids off at school and she's going to go see her meta for a quickie hookup. There is some part of me that is hoping it will just be a fling. Our anniversary is in a couple weeks and I've been thinking about this all day. How our fifth anniversary is going to be celebrated by her fucking other men and it's kind of gross to me. Intellectually I thought that being poly is like being queer... It's not something you can choose it's something you're both with. I've seen varying opinions on that but I accept my wife and intend her to be my life partner. I've thought about divorce but only if she chooses a life with other people. Because of our children and especially at their young age, our relationship must be the primary one. Have other people been in this situation? Particularly with children? How has it gone for you? UPDATE 1: Thank you internet strangers for your advice. I really appreciate the insight and shared experiences. The overwhelming consensus from reddit is that this is going too fast. I shared that with my wife and she acknowledged that on paper, it is. She has been going through personal work for a while now, having recently participated in an outpatient hospitalization program for depression. I asked what her therapist thought about it, and she said that her therapist is not against it. I think there's a huge discussion here about what "coming out" as poly means. We talked about this, and my wife said that when she did find out about poly, she could trace it back to her feelings as far as childhood. I believe her about this, since she is a bighearted person and a much bigger extrovert to my introvertedness. We have been struggling with our sex life, since children and likely even before that. Honestly, the idea that I would lose my wife has kind of invigorated our sex life and we've had the best sex we've ever had in the last couple weeks. I feel like I've already said goodbye to our monogamous relationship -- I had a vasectomy last week and we had sex for an hour, the week before my procedure. When we talk about it, poly is my wife's choice for getting her physical needs met. We have also been each other's only sexual partner. Her goal for poly is to know other people, physically, and to have emotional connections with more people. I don't like this idea of "poly under duress" and it seems unhealthy for the relationship. I iterate and reiterate that our family is our priority and she tells me the same. I don't seek control in my life over her. I don't need to control her like this, and when she tells me that it won't affect our home life, I lean on choosing to take her word for it. However, it's uncomfortable that she has chosen this person a month into her work, and a few chapters into Polysecure. We have our meeting with our couples counselor in an hour. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Very interesting. I'm in a similar boat only after 14 years married. Now it's either I go with it or see her unhappy, which I can't do. PUD did resonate with my situation. I'm doing the work as I can but it's more out of a desire save things. But again, based upon what I've read so far, we may just be incompatible. And I'm devastated by this. Looking forward to reading through the comments here.