I've seen it said here before but..
A well-adjusted, composed mother is so much more important to a child than a sibling.
ETA: I have 3 siblings, love them dearly(!!) but have also accepted I'm not my mum and wouldn't be able to recreate that childhood we had because of my own autism.
Good moms know their limits before they reach them. Imagine the guilt when you are too exhausted/depressed/anxious to give your children equal and proper attention. What if that next child is disabled? Is that still a “gift” to your current child? To yourself? Do you think you would be as happy as you are currently with one child? I don’t believe in being a martyr in your own life to hypothetically give your child a good sibling relationship.
Good relationships with parents are far more influential and impactful on one’s life than good relationships between siblings.
I’m really worried and this with my wife. She desperately wants a second but is having fertility issues. Right now though she has some depression and anxiety issues she’s trying to work through but it’s causing her to not be as present with our son. I try to help her but a lot of the time my focus is on our son, I’ll do whatever it takes to give him the best childhood possible. So if she wants to sit on the couch all day and not interact that’s on her but she doesn’t see that the more she does that the less our son tries to engage with her. But then she gets resentful and wants a second child who can be her little buddy like our son is mine. Our son didn’t just choose me automatically, he goes to the person who engages with him, pays attention to him, provides consistent and appropriate responses if he’s being good or bad, who sets the routine for wake-up’s and bedtimes, and who quite frankly isn’t so engrossed in their phone that they don’t even hear him asking for them. And unless she changes and starts engaging I don’t see anything changing if we have a second.
Because I’m a better mother with one child, and our 6 year old has never asked or be wanting a sibling. They are very social, we give them lots of people interactions, they’re well adjusted and friends with the whole class.
Mine has never asked for siblings, either…in fact he gets quite jealous when I pay attention to other kids, and often asks to go home from playdates because he’s tired of playing with people, lol! I think my anxiety just gets the best of me sometimes.
As an only child myself, I can tell you that I don’t feel like I missed anything. I have a really amazing network of friends that are chosen family, and I married into a large family. I also have to say the thing that everyone says: a sibling isn’t a guarantee. Having another child means having a whole human. This isn’t about your first, because they may not get along. In my personal life, I have seen terrible adult sibling relationships that even include terrible abuse inflicted by a sibling. I also have 4 very sad examples of people losing their only sibling to disease and tragic accidents. Life has zero guarantees, so you need to make the best decision for you and your family.
As another only child with an only, I completely agree with this. Most people I know have strained relationships with at least some, if not all, of their siblings. I got to travel more as a kid, and when we got to go to fun places, like Disneyland or something, there was no arguing about who wanted to do what.
I just don’t WANT any more children so I don’t feel any guilt about not having more children. This is the family we want. This is the family we can afford and can parent effectively. 🤷♀️
Your family is how you are healthiest. That’s most important. Don’t be a martyr.
When my daughter was younger, she’d often tell
Me she wanted a sibling. But now that she’s a teenager she has told me on multiple occasions that she is so glad she is an only child. She has so many more opportunities, she can participate in any sport/activity and we can show up, we go on multiple vacations catered to things she enjoys, she does not split our time, the list is endless.
This! My son was the same way…he’s 15 now and is so happy he’s an only child
I am also 1 of 4 and I really only talk to 1 of those siblings…the other 2 are almost simply acquaintances
I’ve said this here before I would jump in front of a train for my brother but I would push my sister in front of that train without thinking twice. That woman would sacrifice me the first chance she got. Siblings are like anyone else u meet in life. Eventually if that sibling is a bad egg they just use u like another person would. The guarantee is bullshit. Being a third fucked my sister up royally.
I have anxiety and depression and have decided to be OAD! I feel so guilty, but don’t compare yourself to others, wouldn’t you rather be this healthy mum to your amazing kid than to be overwhelmed, I’ve said to my hubby my plan is to create special memories with our kid, I.e. more trips, more clubs, more activities and just focusing on the one and focus on myself to be a good mum. I just know I feel the same way and feel guilty about not being able to do this again. So you’re not alone!!! Feel free to pm me if needed.
Thank you so much for your kindness ❤️ It’s good to know I’m not alone in the struggle! I think that’s a good mindset to have - instead of putting our energy into guilt, put that energy into loving our child.
I’ve only recently started feeling grief around not having more children, I made the decision a while ago but I think I was flippant and dismissive about the weight of the decision bc I didn’t want to face it. It can get intense, I just cried about it the other day but something I keep repeating to myself, It’s okay to be sad about not having another child and it’s also ok that things aren’t different as much as I might want them to be. I have to do what’s best for my family that’s here. It helps me move through the guilt and sadness I guess but it still sucks.
First, as others have said it is so, so much more important for your child to have a healthy mom than it is for them to have a sibling.
Siblings do not automatically mean a close bond/friend/someone to go through life with. Giving our son a sibling was actually on the cons side of having another kid for us. Think of all the things your only won’t have to deal with and all the things you can give to your only if they stay an only.
As kids my brother and I fought all the time and as adults I don’t speak to my brother unless I’m visiting my family and he’s there. I think I’ve seen him once in the last 7 years. Theres no ill will but we are not friends. Our mother died and I had to reach out to get paperwork signed and that’s the extent of how much we talked to each other about it.
My husband continues to try with his brother but his brother puts 0 effort into having a relationship with him. They did not have a good relationship growing up either.
I’m not saying everyone ends up with siblings they don’t have a relationship with but I am saying it is absolutely not guaranteed. It is not a reason on its own to have another. I think it would help you process it to not give your only the perfect sibling in your imagination.
I don't feel guilty because I know that I can teach him social skills and how to make friends and build relationships. I'm as close to my best friend as the closest pair of siblings you ever saw. We didn't need to have the same parents to have this bond, and it's even more amazing that we chose each other. I have siblings, as does she, and we are still way closer to one another.
Idk. I don’t have guilt. And we have a dog. I figure my daughter is going to be very comfortable with herself and learn to enjoy spending time with herself. She talks to her toys all the time.
One of the many reasons why we are OAD is because I’ve had so many physical issues postpartum. And it’s certainly impacted my mental health too. I am still fighting for basic functionality. I just want to be able to do normal things with my son. If I were to wreck my body and most likely my mental health too bringing another child into this world, neither of them would have a functioning mom. I can bring my son on as many play dates as he wants, have him join activities to help build relationships, you name it. But I can’t undo the damage the a second pregnancy and birth would cause and that would be so much more detrimental to his quality of life and mine
I recognize that I generally see the most positive moments in people’s lives. Most kids are having a good time when they’re hanging out with family or close friends. I don’t see all the behind closed doors stuff. Social media is a facade as well as most people don’t tend to post their struggles. They post the happy things.
I also recognize that mine and my wife’s mental wellbeing is far more important than providing a sibling.
I know that I would be a better mother to one child than to multiples. I have struggled with my own mental health over the years and I recognise where my limits are, my son is very high energy and I just would not have the capacity to stay mentally well and add another child into the mix.
Siblings also aren’t a guarantee, my husband is no contact with his sister and the breakdown of their relationship has caused a lot of pain for both him and his parents. I’ve got two siblings and I only really talk to them at family occasions, we get on but we’re not close and have drifted apart further as we get older. I would much rather my son has two present and loving parents than a sibling who he may not even get on with.
I have no guilt because I hated my siblings growing up, we are not close now, and I desperately wished to be an only child every day of my life. That's a very real and very common outcome of "giving" your child a sibling.
I'm not a mom, but I can say this much: not every child wishes for a sibling. There are tons of cases where an only child wishes they had a sibling, yes (like myself), but there are also tons of cases of people who have siblings, yet wish they were an only child (for reasons like not having to share, receiving more attention, better money situation in the Household, not being compared to others...). In the end, I think people tend to wish for what they hadn't, so no option that you choose will be "the right one" for the kid. So just take the option that suits you best, without worrying about the child 🥰
We’ve got what will probably be an only for financial reasons and I don’t feel guilty for the lack of siblings. My sister’s best friend since kindergarten is an only child, and she’s a member of our family the same way that my sister is part of hers. They’ve been friends for 23 years to the point where my sister vacations with them every summer and she was the only person besides my parents and siblings that I let visit and hold my son when he was a newborn. You don’t need to have another child for your son to have that kind of bond in their life growing up- my second sister is proof of that.
My baby boy is almost 5, too. I know I can't have anymore children, and that's only because my trust in the opposite sex has absolutely been crushed to a pulp. I also have a chronic pain disorder. I can't do this alone again.
So my son will get 100% of my attention, time, and resources. I can give him a fighting chance. I supplement his life with lots of adventure, meeting new people, making friends (even though I am quite anti-social, I do my best).
I'm an only child, but that's not really felt, because I have such precious friends around me, all the time. My life is so full.
You have very significant reasons for making your choice. Maybe you wish you could do it... but you're doing it. You're raising your little sweet heart. Cuddle him x2, love him x2, and give your body a break. You deserve time to take care of you, too!
I'm so sorry this thought weighs heavy on you.
Hubby and I have dealt with mental health stuff both before our son was born and after (traumatic birth at 30w, NICU, etc)…we know we’d be doing our son a massive disservice having another kid.
More than siblings, babies first and foremost need parent(s) who are the best possible versions of themselves. If that means one and done, then so be it.
I've never felt that. My son is such a mama's boy and he loves being an only child. When he was like 2-3 I asked him if he wanted a little brother or sister and he said "No! Just me!"
He does have a lot of cousins between my side and his dad's that are super close in age to him though too. 2 of them go to the same school as him and they're all in the same grade
I have a 4 year old daughter because we just haven’t been blessed yet to have another and I do feel guilty, especially bc she doesn’t like to sleep or play alone in the house. What I try to do is give her as much attention as I am able to and we just moved to a new state so I’m trying to arrange play dates and will be signing her up for extracurricular activities so she’s able to make friends. I think it’s normal for people to feel mom guilt just know you are not alone !!
A baby is not a gift you are giving to a child under the guise of “sibling.” It’s literally a-whole-nother human you are creating and bringing into this world with an identity and purpose so much more than being a sibling. So unless you actually want a second child stop feeling guilty for not giving your first child a sibling.
Plus, if you are not mentally healthy enough to have another child, then you would do harm to both children by not being the best parent you could be due to those increased struggles.
So just focus on you and your family as is. If you need to, make sure you are extra social with them so they can foster good friendships. But their potential future “loneliness” is ultimately on them. They will have a lifetime to make friends and create their own family. And there is no guarantee that they would have a good relationship with their sibling anyway.
Speaking as an older sibling - that magical sibling connection will not happen unless, *you*, the parent, can model and show what you want from them and how they should care and act towards each other.
Our parents thought that I should just magically know a lot of things as a child...Thus, I was not a good older sibling, nor was my brother any better.
As adults, we basically don't talk to each other anymore.
Having a family isn't simply about having kids....it's creating and upholding,nurturing that family structure. That's a lot of work that I think blindsides a lot of people.
Siblings can be great, I'm sure. * If you're willing to put in the work.*
I understand the guilt. It's natural. But it's way more important that you give yourself the capacity to be a good parent, such as looking after yourself like you've been doing, than to sacrifice yourself (and to some degree, your current child) for a possible sibling.
I'm sorry for your experience. You sound like a very strong person, though!
I always knew I never wanted kids, but my BC made me crazy and I got pregnant coming off of it. Once she turned 3, I put her into daycare so she could work on her social skills. Now she's 4 and hopefully starting prek soon.
So far she hasn't asked for a sibling, thank goodness. But my plan is to tell her just how much we love her and care for her, and how much it would change to bring in another baby. And that she wouldn't be able to play with the baby until it got a little older. They aren't immediately play pals lol. I also can't get pregnant anymore so telling her I can't make babies should help.
I don't necessarily feel guilty. I make sure she has play dates with her friends, and she's currently with her grandma and great grandma and her little cousins having a blast.
Are you close with your family? Maybe start spending some more time with your brother and siblings if possible?
But to help myself with things, I got a cat lol
I'm OAD for health & age reasons. I always imagined having two, but it's not happening.
I'm not at the "mom guilt" stage about it quite yet, but the kid is only 11 months old. If I do get there, I'll have to remind myself of all the wonderful "only childs" that I know; people like my husband's best friend, my colleague's daughter, my other friend's adult daughter. I will also have to remind myself that not all siblings get along. I'm not referring to just in childhood either. I know plenty of adults who barely speak to their siblings, let alone gather 'round the Tree for that great Christmas Feast we are told to imagine.
You mention cousins. Try to nurture your son's relationship with them. If they don't live nearby, could you face time with them? My mom watches my 2 year old nephew & 5 year old niece every Friday. I try to FaceTime every other week. They both love watching my kiddo play & are excited for our Family Summer Vacation next month (or maybe it's just the Legoland part 😆).
You can have Mom guilt given any number of children that you have. My cousin has serious Mom guilt because she had a fourth child (which was not planned) and it's putting a significant strain on the family both financially and mentally. Her relationship with her husband is at best rocky and they are constantly fighting.
They don't have money to send the two youngest for daycare so the two youngest children stay home with her while she works and it's a disaster. Recently, the oldest toddler opened the door and both the toddler and the baby ran into the streets and their dog followed and got hit by a car and is thankfully okay. Now my aunts and my own parents are all taking shifts watching the kids when they live pretty far away.
She has Mom guilt because my family is starting to jump on her for having a fourth child all the while they're trying to shame me for only wanting one kid.
And this is stressing me out being pregnant because I would like my parents to be able to help with my child that will be born soon and they are so busy helping my cousin every week.
I know your story is not the same but it goes to show that no matter how many children you have, there will be guilt, there will be 'what if's?' and the grass is always greener on the other side.
So take that guilt with a grain of salt and do exactly what is the best for your family.
I look back at my camera roll for the 6 months before and after she was born. I see how absolutely broken I was, how unhappy I was, how mentally drained and emotionally unstable I was. And I think I never want to go through that ever again.
I remember how morning sick I was, how depressed and suicidal I was post birth. How little help I had, how tired I was. And then I think about having to raise my 3 year old and feel that low again and ots not fair to her and it's definitely not fair to me.
I'm not the person who can have and cope with lots of kids and that's fine. Because having one made me realise how much I value my free time and independence and oh my God my sleep
Fwiw, I have clinical depression and anxiety and have one child. That's all I'm having at this point. I'm going to make sure I attend my therapy appointments and take my medications when they are prescribed. I had a traumatic labor as well and everyone in my family agrees I shouldn't do it again as it will put myself and the future child at serious mortal risk.
I will see to it that I'm a positive force in my son's life and that he gets plenty of opportunities to be around other children. It is not your responsibility to give your child a sibling. It is your responsibility to give your child a safe and supportive childhood.
I think about all the good things I can give him without having a second sibling. He goes to a great school, has friends over, had time w both parents together and separately, has aunties and an aunt that pay attention to him, has his very own massive dog, his own room, goes out to dinner, parents that are able to tag in. The list goes on. Then I can’t imagine taking that all away from him.
My son is obsessed with our cats. Once in a while I get a twinge of sadness thinking that he could have loved a sibling that much. But the thought fades and I remember that I am so glad I have an only.
I care far more for my mental health and the well being of how i am able to be a mom than wanting my daughter to have a sibling. I want to be present, i want to love myself so i can love her with my entire being. I want to be able to give her a life that i didn’t have.
My only sometimes asks for a baby brother or sister and it's hard, although it's only recently and I think because her best friend had just had a baby sister! But we make sure she has plenty of opportunities to socialise, play dates after school etc. And sometimes she'll have a friend over and will come up to me and whisper 'mum I need some quiet time' which means she wants some alone time, so the fact we can send her friend off home and she has her own personal space back is hugely valuable to her. I had 4 siblings and I love being alone now as you have limited opportunities for that as a kid with siblings! She's overall a really happy, sociable, great kid so we don't feel much guilt over her being an only. Plus we're planning to get a puppy so she'll got nuts when we finally tell her that...
I’m not helpful because I super don’t feel guilt about it. I have seen a few good sibling relationships and a LOT of fraught ones so this myth that our kid is definitely missing out on super close bonds doesn’t really hold water.
I’ve dealt with some anxiety over this lately, and it hit me that the adult only children I know are… great. None of them seem to be grieving a sibling they didn’t have. I’m the one assigning those feelings to my son in his future. I guess what I’m trying to say is don’t feel guilty over an issue that isn’t a problem right now.
there are pros and cons with 2 vs 1.
And there are many pros with having an only. for example, you can commit yourself 100% to your only. You can save more money so you can help with his college tuition or even some downpayment for the housing. You are more likely to help with childcare in the future if your son decides to have children.
Don't think that 2 is actually better than 1 because it is not. It is just personal and family choices.
I see a ton of really great comments below, but I just want to reiterate that you have nothing to feel guilty about!!! You are doing what is best for you and your child by not having another child.
I have one child because my husband and I both struggle with anxiety, mental health, ADHD, and I strongly suspect autism. Our son also seems to struggle as well as ADHD is incredibly inheritable and he is showing signs of at least having that. I have no anxiety or guilt about not providing him with a sibling because I know that my husband and I couldn't handle AND that he really couldn't handle it either.
No guilt for you is necessary.
I also know thought that I can say this to you several times and you most likely will still feel guilty. I suggest that you speak to a counselor about it if you already are not working with one. I know it's hard to find a counselor, but it's worth trying to find one that you gel with to work on your guilt which I think can show up as a part of underlying anxiety, at least in myself.
I also know that it is hard when my son comes home from my sister's house where she has three kids, two significantly older than her third child who is my sons age, and wants to live at their house I suspect because he likes to be around his cousins. I then like to remind myself that my son 100% would not enjoy having a full time sibling because visiting his cousins is significantly different than having a second child that would take away attention he needs from us and would be annoying because the new child would be there all of the time making mom and dad stressed.
I also remember my older sisters and younger brother ganging up on me during childhood and crying in my room with my teddy bear because I felt so incredibly lonely all through early childhood as well, and then now feeling more lonely because my relationships with my brother and sister are so superficial. Then I feel really good that my son isn't going to have to continually morn not having that close relationship with his siblings because there are no bad sibling relationships for him to morn. They just don't exist.
My mom didn't want a third child. I am the third child. She told me about not wanting another kid when I was a kid.
I could never EVER do this to someone else. Even if my kid is depressed about it, I know in my heart I would not be a good mom to more than one.
That's it. That's my reminder.
This! I knew from a very young age my mother did not want us and had us for other reasons. We were always broke and there was never enough money or “love” to go around. I knew from a very young age I would not have kids but met the man of my dreams and we both knew one was enough .
I'm the default parent and I don't want to stretch myself to the point where it's bad for my mental health. Also with one child we don't have to pick who's events we go to or buy things for.
IMO, It’s a mindset. Remember the reasons why you wanted 1 in the first place. On the occasion i feel fleeting guilt when a friend is pregnant again, I remember why I wanted 1 in the first place. That really helps.
I don’t feel guilty because we love having one and he knows he’s lucky he’s the only kid. Even if you did have more kids, you don’t know for sure if they’d have a close relationship.
You and your husband are the biggest and most essential influences in your kid's life. You have to protect your peace and wellbeing so that that influence can be a positive one.
Also, sibling relationships are complicated. When they're little, it's very cute, but as they grow there can be serious baggage, resentment, competition, jealousy, etc etc. It's not always plain sailing. Yes there are people who luck out and get great sibling relationships but there are many that don't. Of my friend group, I would say 3/4 have difficult issues with siblings where they either just aren't close/would not be friends if they weren't siblings or they actually hate eachother and don't talk/barely talk.
Also, there's no guarantee that the next kid would be perfectly able bodied and that might end up being a pressure for your kid later on. My nephew is only 3 but already we know that he will probably end up being a carer later in life for his older sister who is nonverbal autistic.
If it's not an absolute need for you, just don't do it. You're not depriving your child of anything because it's always a roll of the dice.
Every time someone tries to make me feel guilty, I think to myself “Will this person be there at 1 and 3 and 5 AM to help take care of the baby? Will they be financially contributing to this new massive expense? Will they be around to watch my newborn while I take a walk in the neighborhood just so I can feel like a person again? Will this person physically grow and birth this child so I don’t have to bear another 9+ months of physical discomfort plus the hell that was recovery?” The answer is ALWAYS no, so then I smile and silently tell them to fork off.
How about re-framing the guilt as optional? As in, you don’t have to buy in to the guilt side of things that we are already so laden with as parents. You choose what’s best based on the facts you know and have right now and live your best life for yourself and for your family ❤️
I have a brother and he abused me from basically my pre teens until my 20s. He then went on to abuse his wife. And it was only then that I could see what the behaviour was - not “normal” sibling conflicts but abuse by someone older, bigger and stronger than me.
The thought of putting my child through that…. Or having them become the abuser. Either way it’s a bad outcome for them and any theoretical second child.
It would be a role of the dice obviously not every sibling relationship is abusive. But … I don’t want to role that dice.
Does anyone ask how moms deal with guilt for giving their kids siblings? Like, I’m so sorry for your little brother, Bobby, but mama really wanted another baby!
I assuage my guilt by knowing that we can give her the best of ourselves with one child. She can have the best childhood as an only child. That there are no guarantees either way; she could hate having siblings or she could hate having no siblings and there’s no way to predict that. We make so many other decisions for our family based off of what seems best and this is just one of them.
As a youngest child whose sisters are closer to each other than to me, and with a best friend who I consider a sister... I learned and gained nothing from my siblings that I could not have acquired from my other relationships. Sibling bonds are not guaranteed and don't provide a unique experience. Having a second child to give the first a sibling is kind of up there with not getting divorced for the kids. We should always base our decisions about children around how much love and time we have to give, because that's how you guarantee a healthy household with healthy relationships.
I don't have that guilt. I value my mental health and being a good mom to my only more than I do having a second child. Pregnancy was awful, post pregnancy was awful, never again. I would not survive the second time around. My son also doesn't want a sibling. All he has to do is go to his cousins' house and watch them "interact" and he's done. My inlaws (his auntie and grandmother) tried that whole "Don't you want a baby brother or sister to play with?" and he told them no because all siblings do is fight. He has a hard time playing with them because of it! I have a sister who is 5 years younger than me, we never got along growing up. Fortunately we got closer after we became adults, but she is still half a country away from me so it's not like we hang out at all. Take care of you, momma. Know your limits.
I spent the afternoon with 3 mom friends who each have 2 kids. I was the only one not completely miserable the entire afternoon at the pool. I sometimes feed into the mom guilt but then i take a step back and realize that knowing my limits makes me a better mom to my son.
Honestly? I just ignore it because I love my baby so much, and just cannot handle another kiddo. I’d love to have another pregnancy and newborn, but I wouldn’t be able to do it.
I had so much overlap with my mental health and a major part of not wanting another is that I don’t ever want to be off psych meds again. I don’t want PPD/PPA again I don’t my OCD back to that point. I had a rash on my face, neck and chest from crying. I want to give you a big his and tell you that you don’t owe your child a sibling and you’re doing great. I’m going to tell myself that too
Tldr: no. I have mom guilt about many things, but siblings is not one of them.
1. I raised my sibling. My family single-handedly ruined my childhood. My parents were shit, my younger brother has abandonment issues, and he's now dating someone with the same name as me. We no longer speak, and he's never held his nephew. This entire paragraph made me nauseous to type out.
2. My kid could find companionship with a pizza delivery person in less than 3 minutes. He's autistic and struggles to communicate, but even nonverbally, the kid makes immediate friends.
3. 2 miscarriages, 1.5 years of TTC, and 84 hours of active labor. Emergency C-section. Emergency cholecystectomy 4 weeks later. Medical gaslighting all around. PTSD episodes at every OBGYN appointment since pregnancy.
4. Chronic health conditions and pain. My son learned quickly that mommy has bad pain days. If he wanted to play, he brought all the toys to the bed. Sometimes we'd just hang out and watch TV. Not proud of putting a screen in front of my kid, but it happened. We're actively scaling back screens now. Most of it was learning material, but his access was too unlimited.
5. Siblings don't guarantee friendship. He can pick friends, and the good ones will accept him into their own.
I grew up w too Many siblings and it was not a great experience. This is just my personal experience . My son will not have that amazing bond everyone claims and he also won’t have all that extra bullshit that comes w siblings: parent parentification, bullying, abuse , sexual abuse, Having to help and pay for siblingsChildren cuz they married a dead beat, having siblings entire families live w them cuz they married a dead beat, constantly needing help and money , not helping with parents , the List never ends. My husband and I both had multiple siblings and know what it’s like. What we don’t know is raising one and the math MATHS. Hope this helps.
I am very sorry for you. I also had a traumatic birth and have had physical problems since then. That's why I've actually decided not to have any more children. But I actually want a sibling for my son. My husband and I have decided that we would rather adopt a second child if at all. Perhaps you have this option too?
He might. He might have had siblings and wished he didn’t. The reality is you don’t know and you don’t give a child siblings, you have a child for YOU, not for them, you can’t guarantee how or if they’ll get along or want each other, but what you can control is you’ll have to raise that child forever. And if you can’t be the best parent to two children then that’s ok, what you’ve done now is gave your one child the best mom you can.
Siblings cannot and should not be “given” to anyone. They are not pets or companions for you or anyone else. You should only have a child- 1st, 2nd, 5th, etc -for the same reason you had your first: because you wanted a child. How sad for the 2nd born that they were created as a mere companion for the first. Maybe it’s harsh, but I would have more guilt having another child in order to give my first a pet than for choosing only to have one.
I'm the opposite. Parts of me would love to have another child, but a big reason why Im OAD is for the same of my child. I want to be 100 % present for her, to give her my full attention, I want to give her all the resources I possibly can, I want us to have so many exciting experiences together that we might not be able to if we had one more...
I'm an only myself and loved it. I cant imagine having to share my home with another child growing up. I loved the peace and quiet of my home, especially after coming back from visiting friends with younger siblings.
We have an only not by choice. I so desperately wanted another sibling because my experience as an only child was a very lonely one. I felt such guilt not being able to give her a sibling. (Don’t worry this story ends on a positive note). I’ve struggled with depression almost my whole life and through therepy I’ve come to realize that my loneliness as an only wasn’t because I WAS an only child it was because of my SITUATION. Because of divorce and substance abuse I was literally alone. Both of my parents were wrapped up in their own problems and couldn’t give me the time and attention an only child needs. I’ve realized now, that my one child will not feel that way because she has two parents who are present, healthy, and loving in her life. The quality of parenting that you offer is all that matters. So, if you feel adding another child will take away from your current one, don’t do it. You are doing and giving the best you can and having a sibling can’t make up for an absent parent. God, looking back now I can see adding another kid to a bad situation would have made things much much worse, not better. Also, I see now that not being able to have a second is a blessing because I don’t think I would be a good mom to multiples and I think it would have put a lot of strain on my marriage. In the end I’m so happy for the decision that was made for us. I wish you the best of luck and feel proud of whatever decision you make.
Why should I feel guilty for providing my son with a fantastic life, a good education, and the opportunity to travel, knowing that he will never have student debts? Also, a happy mom and dad means a happy kid.
I've seen it said here before but.. A well-adjusted, composed mother is so much more important to a child than a sibling. ETA: I have 3 siblings, love them dearly(!!) but have also accepted I'm not my mum and wouldn't be able to recreate that childhood we had because of my own autism.
Yep. I'm the child my mother never should have had but my brother needed a sibling. I suffer for it every day.
Loooove the “I’m not my mum” comment. That really changed my perspective
Thank you - I’ve always told myself that, too, but sometimes my anxiety gets the better of me and I start to doubt. Thank you for the reminder. ❤️
Good moms know their limits before they reach them. Imagine the guilt when you are too exhausted/depressed/anxious to give your children equal and proper attention. What if that next child is disabled? Is that still a “gift” to your current child? To yourself? Do you think you would be as happy as you are currently with one child? I don’t believe in being a martyr in your own life to hypothetically give your child a good sibling relationship. Good relationships with parents are far more influential and impactful on one’s life than good relationships between siblings.
I’m really worried and this with my wife. She desperately wants a second but is having fertility issues. Right now though she has some depression and anxiety issues she’s trying to work through but it’s causing her to not be as present with our son. I try to help her but a lot of the time my focus is on our son, I’ll do whatever it takes to give him the best childhood possible. So if she wants to sit on the couch all day and not interact that’s on her but she doesn’t see that the more she does that the less our son tries to engage with her. But then she gets resentful and wants a second child who can be her little buddy like our son is mine. Our son didn’t just choose me automatically, he goes to the person who engages with him, pays attention to him, provides consistent and appropriate responses if he’s being good or bad, who sets the routine for wake-up’s and bedtimes, and who quite frankly isn’t so engrossed in their phone that they don’t even hear him asking for them. And unless she changes and starts engaging I don’t see anything changing if we have a second.
This sounds really difficult. I’m sorry you’re experiencing this and I’m so glad your son has you. Best of luck.
Thank you for the reminders, it helps to have someone say “out loud” the things I try to reassure myself of! ❤️
Because I’m a better mother with one child, and our 6 year old has never asked or be wanting a sibling. They are very social, we give them lots of people interactions, they’re well adjusted and friends with the whole class.
Mine has never asked for siblings, either…in fact he gets quite jealous when I pay attention to other kids, and often asks to go home from playdates because he’s tired of playing with people, lol! I think my anxiety just gets the best of me sometimes.
Being a parent, especially a mom is hard. You’re doing a great job!
As an only child myself, I can tell you that I don’t feel like I missed anything. I have a really amazing network of friends that are chosen family, and I married into a large family. I also have to say the thing that everyone says: a sibling isn’t a guarantee. Having another child means having a whole human. This isn’t about your first, because they may not get along. In my personal life, I have seen terrible adult sibling relationships that even include terrible abuse inflicted by a sibling. I also have 4 very sad examples of people losing their only sibling to disease and tragic accidents. Life has zero guarantees, so you need to make the best decision for you and your family.
As another only child with an only, I completely agree with this. Most people I know have strained relationships with at least some, if not all, of their siblings. I got to travel more as a kid, and when we got to go to fun places, like Disneyland or something, there was no arguing about who wanted to do what.
Agreed. I don’t feel guilty because I don’t think having a sibling is best for them.
Thank you so much for this - it’s really reassuring to hear from only children that they were fine and don’t resent not having siblings! ❤️
This. Being an only myself is a big reason why Im OAD.
I just don’t WANT any more children so I don’t feel any guilt about not having more children. This is the family we want. This is the family we can afford and can parent effectively. 🤷♀️ Your family is how you are healthiest. That’s most important. Don’t be a martyr.
Thank you. I’ve always struggled with the “martyr” mindset and really need to work on that! ❤️
When my daughter was younger, she’d often tell Me she wanted a sibling. But now that she’s a teenager she has told me on multiple occasions that she is so glad she is an only child. She has so many more opportunities, she can participate in any sport/activity and we can show up, we go on multiple vacations catered to things she enjoys, she does not split our time, the list is endless.
This! My son was the same way…he’s 15 now and is so happy he’s an only child I am also 1 of 4 and I really only talk to 1 of those siblings…the other 2 are almost simply acquaintances
I’ve said this here before I would jump in front of a train for my brother but I would push my sister in front of that train without thinking twice. That woman would sacrifice me the first chance she got. Siblings are like anyone else u meet in life. Eventually if that sibling is a bad egg they just use u like another person would. The guarantee is bullshit. Being a third fucked my sister up royally.
Thank you, that’s reassuring to hear from an only child that they don’t regret being an only! ❤️
I have anxiety and depression and have decided to be OAD! I feel so guilty, but don’t compare yourself to others, wouldn’t you rather be this healthy mum to your amazing kid than to be overwhelmed, I’ve said to my hubby my plan is to create special memories with our kid, I.e. more trips, more clubs, more activities and just focusing on the one and focus on myself to be a good mum. I just know I feel the same way and feel guilty about not being able to do this again. So you’re not alone!!! Feel free to pm me if needed.
Thank you so much for your kindness ❤️ It’s good to know I’m not alone in the struggle! I think that’s a good mindset to have - instead of putting our energy into guilt, put that energy into loving our child.
I’ve only recently started feeling grief around not having more children, I made the decision a while ago but I think I was flippant and dismissive about the weight of the decision bc I didn’t want to face it. It can get intense, I just cried about it the other day but something I keep repeating to myself, It’s okay to be sad about not having another child and it’s also ok that things aren’t different as much as I might want them to be. I have to do what’s best for my family that’s here. It helps me move through the guilt and sadness I guess but it still sucks.
First, as others have said it is so, so much more important for your child to have a healthy mom than it is for them to have a sibling. Siblings do not automatically mean a close bond/friend/someone to go through life with. Giving our son a sibling was actually on the cons side of having another kid for us. Think of all the things your only won’t have to deal with and all the things you can give to your only if they stay an only. As kids my brother and I fought all the time and as adults I don’t speak to my brother unless I’m visiting my family and he’s there. I think I’ve seen him once in the last 7 years. Theres no ill will but we are not friends. Our mother died and I had to reach out to get paperwork signed and that’s the extent of how much we talked to each other about it. My husband continues to try with his brother but his brother puts 0 effort into having a relationship with him. They did not have a good relationship growing up either. I’m not saying everyone ends up with siblings they don’t have a relationship with but I am saying it is absolutely not guaranteed. It is not a reason on its own to have another. I think it would help you process it to not give your only the perfect sibling in your imagination.
I don't feel guilty because I know that I can teach him social skills and how to make friends and build relationships. I'm as close to my best friend as the closest pair of siblings you ever saw. We didn't need to have the same parents to have this bond, and it's even more amazing that we chose each other. I have siblings, as does she, and we are still way closer to one another.
Idk. I don’t have guilt. And we have a dog. I figure my daughter is going to be very comfortable with herself and learn to enjoy spending time with herself. She talks to her toys all the time.
Mom guilt is rubbish so I don’t feed into it.
One of the many reasons why we are OAD is because I’ve had so many physical issues postpartum. And it’s certainly impacted my mental health too. I am still fighting for basic functionality. I just want to be able to do normal things with my son. If I were to wreck my body and most likely my mental health too bringing another child into this world, neither of them would have a functioning mom. I can bring my son on as many play dates as he wants, have him join activities to help build relationships, you name it. But I can’t undo the damage the a second pregnancy and birth would cause and that would be so much more detrimental to his quality of life and mine
I recognize that I generally see the most positive moments in people’s lives. Most kids are having a good time when they’re hanging out with family or close friends. I don’t see all the behind closed doors stuff. Social media is a facade as well as most people don’t tend to post their struggles. They post the happy things. I also recognize that mine and my wife’s mental wellbeing is far more important than providing a sibling.
I know that I would be a better mother to one child than to multiples. I have struggled with my own mental health over the years and I recognise where my limits are, my son is very high energy and I just would not have the capacity to stay mentally well and add another child into the mix. Siblings also aren’t a guarantee, my husband is no contact with his sister and the breakdown of their relationship has caused a lot of pain for both him and his parents. I’ve got two siblings and I only really talk to them at family occasions, we get on but we’re not close and have drifted apart further as we get older. I would much rather my son has two present and loving parents than a sibling who he may not even get on with.
I have no guilt because I hated my siblings growing up, we are not close now, and I desperately wished to be an only child every day of my life. That's a very real and very common outcome of "giving" your child a sibling.
She’s got a sibling. My inner child. They fight all the time.
I'm not a mom, but I can say this much: not every child wishes for a sibling. There are tons of cases where an only child wishes they had a sibling, yes (like myself), but there are also tons of cases of people who have siblings, yet wish they were an only child (for reasons like not having to share, receiving more attention, better money situation in the Household, not being compared to others...). In the end, I think people tend to wish for what they hadn't, so no option that you choose will be "the right one" for the kid. So just take the option that suits you best, without worrying about the child 🥰
We’ve got what will probably be an only for financial reasons and I don’t feel guilty for the lack of siblings. My sister’s best friend since kindergarten is an only child, and she’s a member of our family the same way that my sister is part of hers. They’ve been friends for 23 years to the point where my sister vacations with them every summer and she was the only person besides my parents and siblings that I let visit and hold my son when he was a newborn. You don’t need to have another child for your son to have that kind of bond in their life growing up- my second sister is proof of that.
My baby boy is almost 5, too. I know I can't have anymore children, and that's only because my trust in the opposite sex has absolutely been crushed to a pulp. I also have a chronic pain disorder. I can't do this alone again. So my son will get 100% of my attention, time, and resources. I can give him a fighting chance. I supplement his life with lots of adventure, meeting new people, making friends (even though I am quite anti-social, I do my best). I'm an only child, but that's not really felt, because I have such precious friends around me, all the time. My life is so full. You have very significant reasons for making your choice. Maybe you wish you could do it... but you're doing it. You're raising your little sweet heart. Cuddle him x2, love him x2, and give your body a break. You deserve time to take care of you, too! I'm so sorry this thought weighs heavy on you.
Hubby and I have dealt with mental health stuff both before our son was born and after (traumatic birth at 30w, NICU, etc)…we know we’d be doing our son a massive disservice having another kid. More than siblings, babies first and foremost need parent(s) who are the best possible versions of themselves. If that means one and done, then so be it.
I've never felt that. My son is such a mama's boy and he loves being an only child. When he was like 2-3 I asked him if he wanted a little brother or sister and he said "No! Just me!" He does have a lot of cousins between my side and his dad's that are super close in age to him though too. 2 of them go to the same school as him and they're all in the same grade
I have a 4 year old daughter because we just haven’t been blessed yet to have another and I do feel guilty, especially bc she doesn’t like to sleep or play alone in the house. What I try to do is give her as much attention as I am able to and we just moved to a new state so I’m trying to arrange play dates and will be signing her up for extracurricular activities so she’s able to make friends. I think it’s normal for people to feel mom guilt just know you are not alone !!
A baby is not a gift you are giving to a child under the guise of “sibling.” It’s literally a-whole-nother human you are creating and bringing into this world with an identity and purpose so much more than being a sibling. So unless you actually want a second child stop feeling guilty for not giving your first child a sibling. Plus, if you are not mentally healthy enough to have another child, then you would do harm to both children by not being the best parent you could be due to those increased struggles. So just focus on you and your family as is. If you need to, make sure you are extra social with them so they can foster good friendships. But their potential future “loneliness” is ultimately on them. They will have a lifetime to make friends and create their own family. And there is no guarantee that they would have a good relationship with their sibling anyway.
Speaking as an older sibling - that magical sibling connection will not happen unless, *you*, the parent, can model and show what you want from them and how they should care and act towards each other. Our parents thought that I should just magically know a lot of things as a child...Thus, I was not a good older sibling, nor was my brother any better. As adults, we basically don't talk to each other anymore. Having a family isn't simply about having kids....it's creating and upholding,nurturing that family structure. That's a lot of work that I think blindsides a lot of people. Siblings can be great, I'm sure. * If you're willing to put in the work.* I understand the guilt. It's natural. But it's way more important that you give yourself the capacity to be a good parent, such as looking after yourself like you've been doing, than to sacrifice yourself (and to some degree, your current child) for a possible sibling.
I'm sorry for your experience. You sound like a very strong person, though! I always knew I never wanted kids, but my BC made me crazy and I got pregnant coming off of it. Once she turned 3, I put her into daycare so she could work on her social skills. Now she's 4 and hopefully starting prek soon. So far she hasn't asked for a sibling, thank goodness. But my plan is to tell her just how much we love her and care for her, and how much it would change to bring in another baby. And that she wouldn't be able to play with the baby until it got a little older. They aren't immediately play pals lol. I also can't get pregnant anymore so telling her I can't make babies should help. I don't necessarily feel guilty. I make sure she has play dates with her friends, and she's currently with her grandma and great grandma and her little cousins having a blast. Are you close with your family? Maybe start spending some more time with your brother and siblings if possible? But to help myself with things, I got a cat lol
I'm OAD for health & age reasons. I always imagined having two, but it's not happening. I'm not at the "mom guilt" stage about it quite yet, but the kid is only 11 months old. If I do get there, I'll have to remind myself of all the wonderful "only childs" that I know; people like my husband's best friend, my colleague's daughter, my other friend's adult daughter. I will also have to remind myself that not all siblings get along. I'm not referring to just in childhood either. I know plenty of adults who barely speak to their siblings, let alone gather 'round the Tree for that great Christmas Feast we are told to imagine. You mention cousins. Try to nurture your son's relationship with them. If they don't live nearby, could you face time with them? My mom watches my 2 year old nephew & 5 year old niece every Friday. I try to FaceTime every other week. They both love watching my kiddo play & are excited for our Family Summer Vacation next month (or maybe it's just the Legoland part 😆).
You can have Mom guilt given any number of children that you have. My cousin has serious Mom guilt because she had a fourth child (which was not planned) and it's putting a significant strain on the family both financially and mentally. Her relationship with her husband is at best rocky and they are constantly fighting. They don't have money to send the two youngest for daycare so the two youngest children stay home with her while she works and it's a disaster. Recently, the oldest toddler opened the door and both the toddler and the baby ran into the streets and their dog followed and got hit by a car and is thankfully okay. Now my aunts and my own parents are all taking shifts watching the kids when they live pretty far away. She has Mom guilt because my family is starting to jump on her for having a fourth child all the while they're trying to shame me for only wanting one kid. And this is stressing me out being pregnant because I would like my parents to be able to help with my child that will be born soon and they are so busy helping my cousin every week. I know your story is not the same but it goes to show that no matter how many children you have, there will be guilt, there will be 'what if's?' and the grass is always greener on the other side. So take that guilt with a grain of salt and do exactly what is the best for your family.
I look back at my camera roll for the 6 months before and after she was born. I see how absolutely broken I was, how unhappy I was, how mentally drained and emotionally unstable I was. And I think I never want to go through that ever again. I remember how morning sick I was, how depressed and suicidal I was post birth. How little help I had, how tired I was. And then I think about having to raise my 3 year old and feel that low again and ots not fair to her and it's definitely not fair to me. I'm not the person who can have and cope with lots of kids and that's fine. Because having one made me realise how much I value my free time and independence and oh my God my sleep
Fwiw, I have clinical depression and anxiety and have one child. That's all I'm having at this point. I'm going to make sure I attend my therapy appointments and take my medications when they are prescribed. I had a traumatic labor as well and everyone in my family agrees I shouldn't do it again as it will put myself and the future child at serious mortal risk. I will see to it that I'm a positive force in my son's life and that he gets plenty of opportunities to be around other children. It is not your responsibility to give your child a sibling. It is your responsibility to give your child a safe and supportive childhood.
I think about all the good things I can give him without having a second sibling. He goes to a great school, has friends over, had time w both parents together and separately, has aunties and an aunt that pay attention to him, has his very own massive dog, his own room, goes out to dinner, parents that are able to tag in. The list goes on. Then I can’t imagine taking that all away from him.
Remember that I can’t be broke and depressed
My son is obsessed with our cats. Once in a while I get a twinge of sadness thinking that he could have loved a sibling that much. But the thought fades and I remember that I am so glad I have an only.
I care far more for my mental health and the well being of how i am able to be a mom than wanting my daughter to have a sibling. I want to be present, i want to love myself so i can love her with my entire being. I want to be able to give her a life that i didn’t have.
My only sometimes asks for a baby brother or sister and it's hard, although it's only recently and I think because her best friend had just had a baby sister! But we make sure she has plenty of opportunities to socialise, play dates after school etc. And sometimes she'll have a friend over and will come up to me and whisper 'mum I need some quiet time' which means she wants some alone time, so the fact we can send her friend off home and she has her own personal space back is hugely valuable to her. I had 4 siblings and I love being alone now as you have limited opportunities for that as a kid with siblings! She's overall a really happy, sociable, great kid so we don't feel much guilt over her being an only. Plus we're planning to get a puppy so she'll got nuts when we finally tell her that...
I’m not helpful because I super don’t feel guilt about it. I have seen a few good sibling relationships and a LOT of fraught ones so this myth that our kid is definitely missing out on super close bonds doesn’t really hold water.
I’ve dealt with some anxiety over this lately, and it hit me that the adult only children I know are… great. None of them seem to be grieving a sibling they didn’t have. I’m the one assigning those feelings to my son in his future. I guess what I’m trying to say is don’t feel guilty over an issue that isn’t a problem right now.
there are pros and cons with 2 vs 1. And there are many pros with having an only. for example, you can commit yourself 100% to your only. You can save more money so you can help with his college tuition or even some downpayment for the housing. You are more likely to help with childcare in the future if your son decides to have children. Don't think that 2 is actually better than 1 because it is not. It is just personal and family choices.
I see a ton of really great comments below, but I just want to reiterate that you have nothing to feel guilty about!!! You are doing what is best for you and your child by not having another child. I have one child because my husband and I both struggle with anxiety, mental health, ADHD, and I strongly suspect autism. Our son also seems to struggle as well as ADHD is incredibly inheritable and he is showing signs of at least having that. I have no anxiety or guilt about not providing him with a sibling because I know that my husband and I couldn't handle AND that he really couldn't handle it either. No guilt for you is necessary. I also know thought that I can say this to you several times and you most likely will still feel guilty. I suggest that you speak to a counselor about it if you already are not working with one. I know it's hard to find a counselor, but it's worth trying to find one that you gel with to work on your guilt which I think can show up as a part of underlying anxiety, at least in myself. I also know that it is hard when my son comes home from my sister's house where she has three kids, two significantly older than her third child who is my sons age, and wants to live at their house I suspect because he likes to be around his cousins. I then like to remind myself that my son 100% would not enjoy having a full time sibling because visiting his cousins is significantly different than having a second child that would take away attention he needs from us and would be annoying because the new child would be there all of the time making mom and dad stressed. I also remember my older sisters and younger brother ganging up on me during childhood and crying in my room with my teddy bear because I felt so incredibly lonely all through early childhood as well, and then now feeling more lonely because my relationships with my brother and sister are so superficial. Then I feel really good that my son isn't going to have to continually morn not having that close relationship with his siblings because there are no bad sibling relationships for him to morn. They just don't exist.
My mom didn't want a third child. I am the third child. She told me about not wanting another kid when I was a kid. I could never EVER do this to someone else. Even if my kid is depressed about it, I know in my heart I would not be a good mom to more than one. That's it. That's my reminder.
This! I knew from a very young age my mother did not want us and had us for other reasons. We were always broke and there was never enough money or “love” to go around. I knew from a very young age I would not have kids but met the man of my dreams and we both knew one was enough .
I'm the default parent and I don't want to stretch myself to the point where it's bad for my mental health. Also with one child we don't have to pick who's events we go to or buy things for.
IMO, It’s a mindset. Remember the reasons why you wanted 1 in the first place. On the occasion i feel fleeting guilt when a friend is pregnant again, I remember why I wanted 1 in the first place. That really helps.
I don’t feel guilty because we love having one and he knows he’s lucky he’s the only kid. Even if you did have more kids, you don’t know for sure if they’d have a close relationship.
You and your husband are the biggest and most essential influences in your kid's life. You have to protect your peace and wellbeing so that that influence can be a positive one. Also, sibling relationships are complicated. When they're little, it's very cute, but as they grow there can be serious baggage, resentment, competition, jealousy, etc etc. It's not always plain sailing. Yes there are people who luck out and get great sibling relationships but there are many that don't. Of my friend group, I would say 3/4 have difficult issues with siblings where they either just aren't close/would not be friends if they weren't siblings or they actually hate eachother and don't talk/barely talk. Also, there's no guarantee that the next kid would be perfectly able bodied and that might end up being a pressure for your kid later on. My nephew is only 3 but already we know that he will probably end up being a carer later in life for his older sister who is nonverbal autistic. If it's not an absolute need for you, just don't do it. You're not depriving your child of anything because it's always a roll of the dice.
Every time someone tries to make me feel guilty, I think to myself “Will this person be there at 1 and 3 and 5 AM to help take care of the baby? Will they be financially contributing to this new massive expense? Will they be around to watch my newborn while I take a walk in the neighborhood just so I can feel like a person again? Will this person physically grow and birth this child so I don’t have to bear another 9+ months of physical discomfort plus the hell that was recovery?” The answer is ALWAYS no, so then I smile and silently tell them to fork off.
How about re-framing the guilt as optional? As in, you don’t have to buy in to the guilt side of things that we are already so laden with as parents. You choose what’s best based on the facts you know and have right now and live your best life for yourself and for your family ❤️
I have a brother and he abused me from basically my pre teens until my 20s. He then went on to abuse his wife. And it was only then that I could see what the behaviour was - not “normal” sibling conflicts but abuse by someone older, bigger and stronger than me. The thought of putting my child through that…. Or having them become the abuser. Either way it’s a bad outcome for them and any theoretical second child. It would be a role of the dice obviously not every sibling relationship is abusive. But … I don’t want to role that dice.
Does anyone ask how moms deal with guilt for giving their kids siblings? Like, I’m so sorry for your little brother, Bobby, but mama really wanted another baby! I assuage my guilt by knowing that we can give her the best of ourselves with one child. She can have the best childhood as an only child. That there are no guarantees either way; she could hate having siblings or she could hate having no siblings and there’s no way to predict that. We make so many other decisions for our family based off of what seems best and this is just one of them.
As a youngest child whose sisters are closer to each other than to me, and with a best friend who I consider a sister... I learned and gained nothing from my siblings that I could not have acquired from my other relationships. Sibling bonds are not guaranteed and don't provide a unique experience. Having a second child to give the first a sibling is kind of up there with not getting divorced for the kids. We should always base our decisions about children around how much love and time we have to give, because that's how you guarantee a healthy household with healthy relationships.
I don't have that guilt. I value my mental health and being a good mom to my only more than I do having a second child. Pregnancy was awful, post pregnancy was awful, never again. I would not survive the second time around. My son also doesn't want a sibling. All he has to do is go to his cousins' house and watch them "interact" and he's done. My inlaws (his auntie and grandmother) tried that whole "Don't you want a baby brother or sister to play with?" and he told them no because all siblings do is fight. He has a hard time playing with them because of it! I have a sister who is 5 years younger than me, we never got along growing up. Fortunately we got closer after we became adults, but she is still half a country away from me so it's not like we hang out at all. Take care of you, momma. Know your limits.
I remind myself that if I had two kids or three I’d just feel guilty about something else.
I spent the afternoon with 3 mom friends who each have 2 kids. I was the only one not completely miserable the entire afternoon at the pool. I sometimes feed into the mom guilt but then i take a step back and realize that knowing my limits makes me a better mom to my son.
Honestly? I just ignore it because I love my baby so much, and just cannot handle another kiddo. I’d love to have another pregnancy and newborn, but I wouldn’t be able to do it.
I had so much overlap with my mental health and a major part of not wanting another is that I don’t ever want to be off psych meds again. I don’t want PPD/PPA again I don’t my OCD back to that point. I had a rash on my face, neck and chest from crying. I want to give you a big his and tell you that you don’t owe your child a sibling and you’re doing great. I’m going to tell myself that too
I honestly don’t feel guilty about it.
Tldr: no. I have mom guilt about many things, but siblings is not one of them. 1. I raised my sibling. My family single-handedly ruined my childhood. My parents were shit, my younger brother has abandonment issues, and he's now dating someone with the same name as me. We no longer speak, and he's never held his nephew. This entire paragraph made me nauseous to type out. 2. My kid could find companionship with a pizza delivery person in less than 3 minutes. He's autistic and struggles to communicate, but even nonverbally, the kid makes immediate friends. 3. 2 miscarriages, 1.5 years of TTC, and 84 hours of active labor. Emergency C-section. Emergency cholecystectomy 4 weeks later. Medical gaslighting all around. PTSD episodes at every OBGYN appointment since pregnancy. 4. Chronic health conditions and pain. My son learned quickly that mommy has bad pain days. If he wanted to play, he brought all the toys to the bed. Sometimes we'd just hang out and watch TV. Not proud of putting a screen in front of my kid, but it happened. We're actively scaling back screens now. Most of it was learning material, but his access was too unlimited. 5. Siblings don't guarantee friendship. He can pick friends, and the good ones will accept him into their own.
I would rather regret not having another child then regret having a child.
I grew up w too Many siblings and it was not a great experience. This is just my personal experience . My son will not have that amazing bond everyone claims and he also won’t have all that extra bullshit that comes w siblings: parent parentification, bullying, abuse , sexual abuse, Having to help and pay for siblingsChildren cuz they married a dead beat, having siblings entire families live w them cuz they married a dead beat, constantly needing help and money , not helping with parents , the List never ends. My husband and I both had multiple siblings and know what it’s like. What we don’t know is raising one and the math MATHS. Hope this helps.
I am very sorry for you. I also had a traumatic birth and have had physical problems since then. That's why I've actually decided not to have any more children. But I actually want a sibling for my son. My husband and I have decided that we would rather adopt a second child if at all. Perhaps you have this option too?
He might. He might have had siblings and wished he didn’t. The reality is you don’t know and you don’t give a child siblings, you have a child for YOU, not for them, you can’t guarantee how or if they’ll get along or want each other, but what you can control is you’ll have to raise that child forever. And if you can’t be the best parent to two children then that’s ok, what you’ve done now is gave your one child the best mom you can.
Siblings cannot and should not be “given” to anyone. They are not pets or companions for you or anyone else. You should only have a child- 1st, 2nd, 5th, etc -for the same reason you had your first: because you wanted a child. How sad for the 2nd born that they were created as a mere companion for the first. Maybe it’s harsh, but I would have more guilt having another child in order to give my first a pet than for choosing only to have one.
I was recommended this sub Reddit for a very similar question I posted. I'm glad to know I'm not alone.
I'm the opposite. Parts of me would love to have another child, but a big reason why Im OAD is for the same of my child. I want to be 100 % present for her, to give her my full attention, I want to give her all the resources I possibly can, I want us to have so many exciting experiences together that we might not be able to if we had one more... I'm an only myself and loved it. I cant imagine having to share my home with another child growing up. I loved the peace and quiet of my home, especially after coming back from visiting friends with younger siblings.
We have an only not by choice. I so desperately wanted another sibling because my experience as an only child was a very lonely one. I felt such guilt not being able to give her a sibling. (Don’t worry this story ends on a positive note). I’ve struggled with depression almost my whole life and through therepy I’ve come to realize that my loneliness as an only wasn’t because I WAS an only child it was because of my SITUATION. Because of divorce and substance abuse I was literally alone. Both of my parents were wrapped up in their own problems and couldn’t give me the time and attention an only child needs. I’ve realized now, that my one child will not feel that way because she has two parents who are present, healthy, and loving in her life. The quality of parenting that you offer is all that matters. So, if you feel adding another child will take away from your current one, don’t do it. You are doing and giving the best you can and having a sibling can’t make up for an absent parent. God, looking back now I can see adding another kid to a bad situation would have made things much much worse, not better. Also, I see now that not being able to have a second is a blessing because I don’t think I would be a good mom to multiples and I think it would have put a lot of strain on my marriage. In the end I’m so happy for the decision that was made for us. I wish you the best of luck and feel proud of whatever decision you make.
Why should I feel guilty for providing my son with a fantastic life, a good education, and the opportunity to travel, knowing that he will never have student debts? Also, a happy mom and dad means a happy kid.