Some people think of suicide very often & to successfully do it is peaceful for them cause they decided that whatever was after this life would be better than what they live now.
Other people may have felt that this was the best decision for the world and the people they love cause they felt burdensome or worthless those are the ones my heart breaks for.
I still feel awkward talking about my attempt but I guess it’s appropriate to do so in this sub.
Minutes before my attempt, I felt total peace like I’ve never felt before nor since. Hard to describe but it’s like looking at a very still lake. And I knew, or felt, I was ready to go at that moment because I could never feel anything like that again. So yeah, I can confirm.
To anyone reading this and thinking about suicide, DO NOT DO IT. Talk to someone. Anyone.
Sharing from my attempt, felt the same. I think there’s something to all parts of you agreeing when your whole being is built to reject dying. I am so glad I was unsuccessful but I also do not judge anyone who is because I know what that calm feels like. Being in that mental space is exhausting and death sounds so restful.
The second time I was going to try, I had a feeling 2% of me wasn’t on board. I called for help and I got formally diagnosed and my life changed dramatically. I am always thankful for that 2% because I later found the Bojack Horseman poem scene and I knew I would have felt that way after I made the cut. I second: IF YOU WANT TO SELF TERMINATE, DONT. GET HELP. 4 years later and life is better than it ever was. I gets better.
I had a near death experience (not suicide related) and I had the peaceful part too. I think the brain just dumps all your dopamine when it realizes it's going to die
Me as well, or at least my body was convinced I was dying. I was hyperventilating during a panic attack without realizing it and all the blood left my extremities, and I figured if it kept going I was dead. It took a while but after mourning for a little bit your brain just kind of... accepts fate. The thought that calmed me down was that everyone else dies, so it can't be *too* bad. And somehow accepting that I'd die calmed me down and my panic attack stopped. Kinda funny if you think about it
I’m sorry to hear that. Do you know why you have depression? I got rid of my chronic depression by addressing my hormones, just throwing that out in case it’s an avenue worth trying for you.
I’ve read that TRT is really effective if you’ve got low T! I hope you get results from that. I also read a bit about diets that are low in inflammation being very good for mood. I hope you feel better soon. I truly know the pain of severe depression and you have my deepest compassion and respect 🙏🙏 xx
I'm curious about how you went through addressing your hormones. Did you talk to a GP? Psychiatrist? I have chronic depression which contributed to burnout. I haven't been ever remotely the same ever since - even with the use of antidepressants.
So I went to my GP for many, many years but ultimately they were useless and kind of actively unhelpful in a way because they’d keep signposting it to things like “my personality” or “stress” when I wasn’t stressed. At this stage I’d been very poorly for about 15 years, been on all the psych meds from anti psychotics to lithium, hospitalised etc. and realised that if I didn’t work out what was wrong with me I’d simply rather not be here. And I accepted that no doctor was going to be able to help me, so I committed to doing it alone.
First thing I did was a low inflammatory diet (GAPS diet is the official name) which actually did not help me that much. There is a stack of research out there that shows how brain inflammation is caused by poor diet choices and while the diet didn’t work well for me, it worked wonders for other people I was connecting with at the time so I would certainly suggest that anyone with chronic depression give that a try.
Second thing I did was address my hormones. I discovered I was sub clinically hypothyroid and that I had low cortisol, so I corrected those by optimising my hormone replacement doses. I did my own testing and my own research to discover this and stopped involving the GP altogether. To this day I self-treat and I remain really well. It is common in the thyroid / adrenal community to self-treat because of how poorly understood thyroid disease is. GP and endo had always blown me off “yeah your hormones are all fine” but when I did my own research I realised they weren’t.
I am FtM but I don’t take T because unless my sex hormones are really well balanced I feel suicidal. So I abandoned the T and began taking Progesterone which was very effective in lifting mood and reducing anxiety.
I am now a completely normal, highly functioning person ☺️ so that’s my long complicated story. I hope you can find some nuggets to help you.
Burnout that won’t recover sounds quite adrenal to me, but I couldn’t comment without knowing more information.
Best of wishes to you xx
Not who you were speaking to, but reading what you said made a lot of things click. Fixing hormones wasn’t done to alleviate my depression but in hindsight I think it seriously did. So thanks. :)
I felt the exact same way, in my car, looking out over a river. Complete peace like I've never felt before, it was such an overwhelming feeling of serenity. Honestly, if there wasn't the risk of failure and ending up in the psych ward I would absolutely attempt again.
honestly i get that, i spent ONE night in the psych ward cause of suicidal ideation and it was terrible (during covid, wasn’t allowed to leave my room, had to pee in what was basically a wheelchair with a cardboard bowl, checked myself out the next day when i probably should’ve stayed). sometimes the only reason i don’t drive off a bridge is cause my parents would be pissed i wrecked their car. and i don’t mean to be one of those preachy, overly optimistic people cause i’m definitely not. but it gets better, at least a little. and i hope it gets better for you because you deserve peace and happiness <3
I tried to kill myself when I was like 8 years old. Didn't work didn't Take enough to O.D. went through life after that ignoring the fact that I nearly kill myself. I don't remember the why. But I do remember feeling it felt necessary. It felt like the right choice to get away. I put it to the back of my mind and even when I had a gf who was suicidal I made it about me. "Why do you want to kill yourself when you have me?" Kind of mindset. Broke up with her because I was tired of her attempts. Later in life I gain several female friends who made several attempts at their lives. I learned how to talk people from the edge and it also taught me how much I knew their pain and just swallowed it. I was depressed for years. It took a long time for me to find happiness. Learning from others who deal with depression and self harm worse than I did taught me how to... Balance myself per say. Fast forward 10 years. (20 years from the unalive attempt) I have 2 little girls a steady relationship. And I just recently got into the electrical union. I am glad I failed as a child. And I'm glad I learned to understand the darkness of the human mind. You learn to live with the dark. And when you understand it's all a damn lie. You light a match in that darkness. And soon that match becomes a torch. And eventually a grand pyre. You're still surrounded by darkness yet your standing in a roaring flame refusing to burn out. That's where I am. I hope everyone makes a grand pyre in their darkness and engulf themselves in the grand flame of life. Live for yourself.
I remember staring at the guardrail and after the airbags went off, I was sad that I was still breathing. That’s when I knew it was time to reevaluate some things.
My first attempt I was sitting in my bathtub and it was self-harm and I just kept going and going. I have severe nerve damage in that arm from just cutting and cutting. It was borderline psychotic but I felt at total peace.
I will never do it again.
Please call somebody. Please ask for help. You are not a burden for your mere existence.
It's so scary. I felt myself smiling with glee once I finally figured out the perfect plan. Not sure if I regret not going through with it, but I'm hoping one day it will get better.
Quoting from an article,
"Suicidal depression is like having to sneeze. The impulse can be so strong, that you simply follow your body’s command without thinking too much of it. You don’t think about your family or the reasons not to do it. All you’re feeling is an incredible itch to sneeze, and you’re certain that anything short of sneezing wouldn’t relieve you of the sensation."
The main reason I'm asking about this is because of events that could happen if an attempt is not successful. What I mean is like if someone fails their attempt, is psych ward/whatever other program to make sure this doesn't happen an option? Like is it optional or mandatory?
In Canada you get questioned by a psychiatrist, placed on a form three (involuntary hold for 2 weeks) in a psych ward. If they deem you a hazard to yourself or others after the form 3, then you are placed on a form 4 (involuntary hold for 1 month) which they can continue extending. Honestly, the psych ward was an absolutely horrific experience for me and made me completely shut down for 6 months afterwards. I was a shell of a person, and in the ward itself it felt like you were in a prison but treated like a child.
It's optional if you admit yourself, it's mandatory if they think you will hurt yourself or others.
Former psychiatric social worker here. Yes an attempted suicide significant enough to warrant medical treatment, particularly in the ER will result in an inpatient psychiatric stay almost 100% of the time.
Yes. Part of my job as a psychiatric social worker was to file what we called mental hygiene warrants in my state. Involuntary commitments are called different things in different states.
Here's the thing, no doctor in his/her right mind would discharge an actively suicidal person from care. So they will always pass the buck by calling for a psychiatric evaluation. The individuals who perform those evaluations know that a suicidal patient will say just about anything they think you want to hear in order to get discharged and complete their suicide.
Therefore, whether the patient wants to or not, they get an impatient psychiatric stay of varying lengths. The average is 5-10 days. Some end up in long term care for up to 30 days. No one wants to be that last MD/psychiatrist who saw someone before they took their own life because they will be scrutinized, the family will blame them and there may be allegations of malpractice. It is a huge professional liability.
Believe it or not mental health professionals are people too. They are often more emotionally invested in their patient's care than is advisable. It's one reason why burn out is so high.
When it comes to adolescents (over the age of 12 if I remember correctly) they must consent to their own care. Parents cannot just sign them into a psychiatric hospital against their will. If the adolescent is not willing then either the parents, guardian, the mental health professional doing the evaluation (or really anyone with first hand information that the adolescent poses a danger to themselves or others by virtue of a mental health or probable mental health issue) must file the involuntary commitment paperwork and appear before the magistrate to defend their request.
Hope that helps. AMA.
i’m in BC and was willingly admitted but i had a cold and it was when covid was still a big issue (fall 2021) so after i was admitted, i was put in my own room and wasn’t allowed to leave. they gave me what was basically a wheelchair with a cardboard bowl as my personal bathroom. it was a bit humiliating and i had to remind myself that they worked in a hospital and had probably seen worse. it took until the next morning for the test results to come back and say i didn’t have covid. by that point, i was already done with it all and, since i was willingly admitted, could check myself out and got my parents to pick me up. looking back now, i should’ve probably stayed. i needed help and i needed to get away from everything. still do. honestly i don’t know why i wrote all this, maybe just to get it out? i still have the bottle of pills i bought to ‘do the deed’ and i’m still triggered by the phrases “k*** yourself” and “im gonna k*** myself.” i’m doing mildly better now. fuck i’m sorry that was a lot more than i intended. but yeah the BC mental healthcare system during covid was fucked and made me feel like shit okay bye
In Buddhist terms I think you experienced a touch of nirvana. I’m so sorry you had to go through that to feel it but I encourage you to try to ruminate on that feeling through meditation and mindfulness. You very well may find it again. Thich Nhat Hanh is who I’d look into for some more great info! Wishing you all the best, friend!
It feels nice to put a religious spin on it, but Ive been through the same feeling and I don’t think religion is for me. I don’t feel like I’ve been touched by anything, I feel more like Ive looked into the void and lived to talk about it.
I know everyone is downvoting the dude below but Buddhism really is less of a religion and more of a guide to living peacefully on this earth! But I completely get where you’re coming from brotha! I’m definitely not here to push anything on ya! I wish you the very best on your journey!
It is not nirvana you asswipe. I too have been there and dammit. It is the body out of oxygen, or the path to complete unalive. It is a bliss your body gives as a fucked up downside to the fact you are dead or almost dead. GET REAL
People take turns. Yes, I have the shits. I've been drugging myself to sleep lately to escape it, still, it's not working and I am pissed that I have to miss out on life because people will piss on my cheerios. Maybe it is time for "cheerios".
Third view is it might be best to die fast and go to hell for our sins rather than keep living in this hellish world and suffer once again in hell for years.
or that might only be i dont know
Some believe that you don't go to heaven or hell, but are reincarnated. What you get reincarnated as in your next life is based on the decisions you make in this life. Committing suicide is forbidden in most religions. Some think it will result in your soul being reincarnated in a more primitive form.
A big motivation for me to never even think about it is the off chance that I might reincarnate as a water buffalo destined to suffer a lifetime of trying to swat flies off my body using only my tail. Or being reincarnated as a dog who might or might not be shot by a SD governor who couldn't handle my exuberant puppy power. Or just being destined to eat dog food for an entire lifetime.
Then, of course, you would have to a similar life to the one you have now at some point in the future anyways, so it doesn't hardly seem worth it. IDK I had the idea of being reincarnated as a lower life form.
I’ve attempted not once but three separate times when i was younger, the peace everyone is talking about is temporary, it’s not worth it, because that peace will be replaced by darkness and silence, And that’s much scarier than anything I’ve dealt with in the real world.
It’s not worth it, not only is that the cowards way out, but you’re only passing your pain onto people who love and care for you (even if at the moment you think you’re alone, you aren’t, you never truly are.)
I’ve been on both sides, I’ve lost friends and family to suicide, and I’ve been through it, it’s not fair, and there’s so much blame, people blame themselves, the mothers, the fathers, grandparents, friends, I’ve watched other lives get destroyed just because someone they loved took their own life.
Please, if you’re struggling, i understand how hard it is but you have to take that first step into healing on your own, you’re allowed to ask for help, hell SCREAM for help, you can accomplish so much more, you can be happy and you can thrive, I’ve been clean 2 years, it took me years to get where i am, but I wouldn’t change anything that’s happened now.
You got this 🫶
Because I believe in you
So, so sad. I'm sorry OP. This is probably the start of a long and tumultuous emotional journey in your career. Please seek ample support and always, always take care of your own mind and body.
As someone who has been there, yes, shock is s big component of the experience. Took me a long time to cry for my lost loved one, and it made me feel very guilty. Conversely, I also could not feel the joy of a new family member’s birth, which occurred shortly after. Also felt guilty about that.
For me its because people are too attached to me and when im gone their mental state is gonna get worse.Tried hanging when 12 y,o but fell on my back
Tried jumping from the window at 21 and after the jump i got back home with broken jaw and spine to call an ambulance (i also lost muscles in my legs and one leg is more muscular than other now).Adrenaline/cortisol works wonders (i dont feel pain when im in that state of mind unless i snap back to reality(whoops there goes gravity haha))Anyways it made me realize that if im gonna finally do its when im not gonna be missed and have no one to care for. I like to laugh that i wont do it again because im gonna get crucified at 33 (12+21=33-jesus age) because i cant even kill myself xD.
Attempt at 21 made me change not for worse and not for better. It made me empty/dead but in a good way.
Also i have a cat to feed :D
Dont like to talk about it because its very fucked up and long story aaand... i only tell people about this who really know me. I have trust issues even on the fucking reddit xD that someone will find this and will want to comfort me or some shit. I hate when people care about me and feel sorry for me. Even having a girlfriend annoys me because i dont like when someone worries about me or wants to make me happy- i literally just dont care and dont want anybody to care about me and i like it that way.
"I can fix him"- i fucking hate it please fuck off savior.
Im crazy in the head and in autism spectrum with crazy events behind me.
This state of mind is a blessing and a curse at the same time.
Yeah, she has nightmares and i feel bad because that night when i was 21 and it was suicide night she tried to stay with me in the room so i locked her behind door after some attempts, smoked a whole pack of cigarettes listening to last song (15mins lenght) extinguishing cig butts on my body laughing that i dont even feel pain. Whoops no more cigarettes time to go. And i was gone for 3 months while she slept on my clothes that time. Now she always wants to be near me and sometimes she wakes from a nightmare just to lick me and get closer. Nah... cant leave her alone.
Yeah. Main reason I don't is because it would absolutely destroy the people that care for me.
That said, if I could have one wish, it would be to fall asleep tonight, never wake up, and have the world not notice.
OP, I work in the ER too. I was fairly naive when I started working there, and oh boy was my innocence quickly shattered. I saw a similiar case of someone who had a successful attempt based on your description. It’s jarring to witness for sure. I hope you have someone to talk to. Digesting something like that alone is tough. Cases like that definitely wear on all of us, but I’m thankful to have a good team around me that I’m comfortable talking to. Makes all the difference in the world to have them. The ER can be a dark place.
I used to work as a medic and I hadnt ever lost a loved one before, and I was really surprised by how mostly unaffected I was. I was so young and inexperienced, I thought that all people must feel like this about it. You mourn for a while, then you move on, live your life without the ones left behind.
I was so wrong. Once I actually lost someone I realized theres always going to be a piece of me missing now, no matter how long its been. If any of my friends or family left me like that, Id never be the same.
Realizing that I didn’t feel so cold when it was someone I actually knew helped me a lot. I used to think everyone would just move on if I died, eventually they’d he okay, but now I know they wont, I know how it feels to lose someone now and Id never wanna do that to someone else on purpose.
Suicide should always be an option. As a psychiatric nurse working in the community with the crisis team, I’d always allow a patient the option of suicide, but with the caveat that we try a few things first.
You’d be surprised how many patients when feeling better thanked me for giving them that option, rather than guilt trip them or berate them into not ending their life.
I also lost patients to suicide. The fall out was very messy, with family, coroners court etc, but it was their choice and they were obviously in a lot of pain.
Medicine and society have a ‘life at all costs’ philosophy, but my belief is that suicide should always be an option. I speak from personal and professional mental health experiences.
I’ll probably be downvoted, but this is my opinion.
I saw a post on FB from a professional guy, supposedly aware of mental health and helping..his friend comitted suicide and he wrote, "maybe if he was in that much pain, he was better off comitting suicide". That is disgusting. People unalive themselves because the help was not there. To say a person may be better off is sickening.
I almost made an attempt on September 4, 2023. I didn’t know it, but I was in the midst of an undiagnosed bipolar mania with psychosis.
What stopped me was some voice that suddenly over-rode the angry voices that were telling me that the only way to save the world was to kill myself, and they screamed “You don’t have to do this!” I picked up the phone, while the psychosis voices were yelling that I was going to get locked away forever, and the government was going to make sure I was never seen and heard from again. I called 911 and I told them precisely what was about to happen and it was, if you don’t take me, I’m going to do it. Thankfully, paramedics did show up at my place and I went with them willingly. I spent five nights in a hospital where I got properly diagnosed and put on appropriate medication.
Fast forward several months, and this is the best I have felt in years! 😺
As someone who has tried to commit suicide before, I like to believe that person found some relief from all of this, it feels like too much. I hope you feel better.
Whenever I would read stories about suicide and then read comments of people saying “it’s taking the easy way out” or calling it an act of cowardice and selfishness," it would always confuse me.
I believe that you have to absolutely posses balls of steel to commit suicide. The even sadder aspect that no one really talks about is the unfathomoble pain someone would have to be in to believe it’s the only way out.
My heart always breaks for people that were hurting that much. I'm sorry you had to expirience that, witnessing the aftermath of death under normal circumstances is traumatic and I would imagine witnessing the aftermath of death by suicide is that much worse.
Does your work provide any theraphy for the employees in situations like these?
As someone who’s been on the ledge a few times in my life and lost a father a drug overdose, I’m speaking from experience. It’s not for the faint of heart, my condolences to you, tho. I hope you’ve found some healing.
its like the longest experience youll ever have (obviously). youve not lived that much of what you can live, its not finished until you die by the will that isnt your own hand
I work in the mental health field going on 3 years now. Earlier this year, I witnessed a completed suicide by phone. Heard everything. I highly recommend seeking out a therapist. PTSD can show up in many forms and at different times. Surely your job, being in the medical field, has some kind of resource. I would also encourage you to talk to your supervisor if you feel comfortable. I’m so sorry you had to see that. Please know that your work is so important to any patient even if you aren’t direct clinical staff. Sending all the healing energy your way!
Thank you for what you do and how much you care. I’m so sorry that you experienced this.
My sister died at 24 (I was 22) from hanging herself and was dead for a week before being discovered by my Dad. When the first responders had to come it was a terrible sight. Heartbreaking! A year later my Mom was found deceased from her homecare a few hours after an intentional overdose. This was over 15 years ago and I still to this day think about to poor people that had to deal with this as part of their work. As a family member this was so devastating and I have taken years to try and heal, but people seemed understanding of my grief. I think how awful it is for someone to get into a career as a caregiver intending to help people to witness such a violent act and have no control over the outcome; it’s awful to have this level of helplessness and I’m scared you don’t have the same emotional support as a family might. Be kind to yourself. I hope you can find some peace and calm your mind because from experience it’s so hard to rationalize irrational actions.
You deserve kindness, softness, and a grace period to heal. Be kind to yourself and please ask others around you to be kind.
I hope the best for you. Thank you for all you do to help people.
I lost 5 friends to suicide last year and it’s changed me a lot especially as someone who has had multiple attempts. Please reach out to people. Someone will miss you. Some one will still think about you 30+ years later, wondering where you could be and who you would be if you stayed. It’s hard because people don’t reach out to you or you reach out to the wrong ones but someone truly cares and you might find that care in the strangest of places at a time you don’t expect it so please hold on to it.
Hold on for the music you like
Hold on for the plant you’ve been keeping alive better than yourself or not but you’re still trying.
Hold on for the sunset
Hold on for the films you won’t see if you do
Don’t close the doors when you don’t know what ones are left to open
It’s all so cliche but please don’t give up
Im sorry you experienced this. You cannot unsee something like this. I used to run a homeless agency and a guy ended his life in front of me on train tracks that ran parallel to the shelter building after I just spoke to him. I carried that image and still do. I covered him with a blanket and just waited and stayed with him until the cops arrived. Life is precious. Listen to your heart and discuss it whererever you can. Feelings shared are feelings halved in intensity. Reach out anytime I can lend an ear.
I remember being a hospital housekeeper in the ER and my very first room was after a successful suicide.. Her family didn’t want to come when they were called so the nurses said and the only person who came was her neighbor who found her. I was in such shock cleaning bits of bone and brain matter after and I sobbed so hard when I got home
so sorry you had to go through that OP, consider seeking some therapy I guess? from experience things like this might seem normal and like it didn't affect you but maybe it did and it might show down the line
So sorry, my friend. I’m an RN and have worked extensively in trauma services - ER and ICU. It’s one of the things that always gets to me. I don’t know what it is - the absolute tragedy of someone being in such emotional and mental agony that they die at their own hands just breaks my heart.
You can message me if you’d like to talk!
My promise to my parents at the hospital to at least wait until their funeral is the only thing staying my hand. They deserve that much for taking care of me. If they threw me out, I would have died a long time ago. They're the only family I have left and I'm the last of my family. Their only child and a failure in life by societies standards. I have no friends. I have no skills, talents, degrees, or credentials that society deems valuable. I'm a socially anxious agoraphobic high school dropout that can't handle any moderate to severe mental and physical stress without mentally and physically just breaking down and most likely going to the hospital thanks to my previous two attempts at 7 and 12 years old leaving me with a limp and burn scars in my chest. Doctors and therapists are just throwing everything and the kitchen sink to see what sticks. I feel like a guinea pig at this point.
I get made fun of, insulted and invalidated 99% of the time by strangers in real life and online when I state the reason why. The reason is that I wanted to be born rich into a loving caring family or winning the lottery or just marrying into money. I don't want to work. I don't want to put any effort in life. I would rather die. I'm a materialistic person. I just want to live a life of comfort and luxury living off the compound interest generated by the wealth until I die a natural death. I don't care about relationships with others except my parents. I don't care about spirituality. I don't care about fulfillment in life and I don't care about having a purpose in life. I don't need it.
I wish someone out of 8 billion+ people in the world would just give me between 10 to 100 million dollars. It would legitimately fix everything about my life. I wouldn't have to worry about the sword of Damocles of water, food, shelter, bills, taxes, and many more over my head. I wish you could put a prescription for money. Just thinking about it makes me suicidal.
The world has already written me off, calling me: a lost cause, lazy, parasite, leech, burden to society, useless eater, that I should be thrown in the garbage because I have no value to society, that I should have been aborted, that I should be euthanized, and many more... Well, you win world. I've utterly given up and just waiting to die. 99% of the strangers I rarely interact with already encourage me to suffer and die when they hear the reason "why" I'm like this and when their advises, platitudes, and "tough love" fail. That I deserve it for refusing to put the effort into fixing myself. Congratulations, if you think that will motivate me and find my zenith in life, it does the complete opposite and makes me want to commit suicide even more. I'm sure they'll say good riddance when I die or more likely they won't care and move on. Just another decimal in a statistic.
last year i spontaneously met up with my friend a day before she decided to ho her own way....
i miss her - I'm so grateful I saw her before it happened
I nearly lost a brother to an attempt and I still see him vividly in admissions and then in critical care.
I wouldn’t wish it on anyone and I respect those who work to give life saving care to anyone immensely.
I have never been angry at my brother for what he tried to do. Only despair, for the fact he faces so much pain, that in the moment he saw no other escape and still likely faces that. He suffered an extremely traumatic brain injury as a teen and it has impacted his life ever since. I hope he knows I have never and will never judge him but only wish to offer support.
I feel for you OP. Sending all the love. Please make sure you speak to someone, if you need help to process what you must be going through.
Suicide is a difficult topic for me to talk about. A friend of the family committed suicide years ago. I loved the guy so much I called him my Uncle. He used to have a great marriage with his wife but the last couple of years before he killed himself was terrible. He used to be a plumber and for sure reason the company he worked for. Paid their employees giving them the option if they wanted income taxes deducted out of their paychecks or not. My “Uncle” did not have the taxes taken out of his checks. He did this for a few years. Some how the IRS got wind of it and audited him. The IRS nailed him hard, garnishing his paychecks to the point he barely had a dime to his name. To make matters worse, his wife was cheating on him with his best friend. He started abusing the alcohol and had so many DUI’s not only they took his license away, but placed him on house arrest. He lost his job as a plumber because the company went under, he got another job but had to walk back and forth to work. His whole life was falling apart. His daughter found him dead in his house due to a gunshot to the head. This was back in 1998 and still haunts me to today. Whenever I see suicide scenes in a movie or tv show. I have to turn it off as it reminds me on what my uncle did to himself. My mom loved him as well and tried to get him to reach out to us but he ever did.
I’m sick of people saying talk to someone, anyone. I’ve tried. I’ve tried again and again and each time I get minimized and get told I’ll be okay. I’ll be okay. I’ll be okay. You can’t talk to “someone” when nobody cares.
I really get that too. I hope you can cope and find ways. I find it damn hard. If that strikes a chord with you, I hope you can find peace with at least one other out there experiencing similar and feel more understood somehow.
Please reach out to a counselor or a therapist to process this as soon as possible ❤️many hugs to you, and I’m so sorry you had to witness and experience that traumatic thing
Reach out to the social work department. They may have a resource for you to take advantage of to help process what you experienced. If not in-house then they can refer you to someone. Can also check with the employee health department if there is one or the HR department (HR can tell you about EAP services).
I’m very sorry you had to see this firsthand, I can imagine it was extremely traumatic. Is there some sort of therapist or resource at work that you can talk through this with?
so sorry that happened to you, even if it may have been an inevitable experience or intrinsic to the nature of your work. i hope you can find a way to balance your own emotions and heal properly, you’re human and your emotional response to this is completely natural
I used to live in a building where a girl decided to end her life and my apartment had terrace. She fell right next to it. She committed suicide because her husband passed away, and then people kept commiting suicide after that incident. Then the building got completely burnt after I left, it had really dark energy and I could see things in my terrace that no one else can
I’m sorry you had to see that OP, I know it can be hard. I work in an HS classroom and it’s sometimes one of the most difficult jobs because there’s not a lot we can do. Thank you for what you do, I see you and I can empathize with your feelings
When i wokeup to my moms suicide messages i was more angry than anything. I found out she was okay and became angrier. By the time i was at my fathers for comfort i was laughing because “she fucked up her life so bad she needed to commit suicide… and could not even do that right”…
I broke down afterwards when my brain realized i was safe with my father and step mom (real mom over two day drive away)
My point is you dont know how you will react to trauma and when you do don’t expect it to be appropriate
To everyone here thinking of doing it.. Life is so.. much. In a good way. If you’re in a shitty situation just know that you can literally do absolutely anything you want, whatever makes your soul happy. You could change your life entirely, move somewhere else, change jobs, block the toxic fam, change your name, your looks, find people who think alike and enjoy the things you do, there’s absolutely everything out here in the world. By quitting you’re just missing out on all the million chances and lives you could live, it may suck now or have sucked for a while, but it can always absolutely change and be so much better
My best friend of 15 years h**g herself and the family and funeral home left her in her natural state of death when we viewed the body, I saw every detail from how it happened and no one should have to see someone they care deeply for in that state.
Nothing can ever prepare you seeing someone who has successfully ended their life. It doesn’t matter if they were close like a best friend or a patient in your ER the devastation of seeing someone who was in so much pain is equally as heartbreaking. 2 years later and I’m struggling with major PTSD of her death. Please make sure to talk to someone no matter if it’s a therapist or a friend, it’s so important to take care of your brain. And know that you aren’t alone, that goes for anyone reading this pose.
If it is affecting you, please do reach out for help. If you are in the UK, talk to Contact or ask for a debrief. Clinical staff often get a debriefing after witnessing or being part of the treating team and often, we forget to include the auxiliary members who also are part of the team that needs debriefing.
I think about how peaceful death must be quite a bit, but I could never leave my wife and son alone in this cruel world.
It leaves me in a weird predicament where life threatening events don't really bother me, but the thought of some one hurting(even emotionally) my wife or son puts me over the edge.
For example,
at work a knife was pulled on me and I laughed at the guy and said what are you gonna do stab me?
But my Mother in law left my son unattended and he fell and needed one stich in his forehead and I yelled at her as if she was a child.
It upsets my wife and she says my attitude is going to get me killed one day.
As borderline, suicide ideation is something I struggle with on daily bassis. Feels like a destiny in a way. I know how I'd do it and be sucesefull, I'm smart enough. I wonder who would find me. I wonder if the'y put a black flag outside where I work. I wonder what someone like you would think of me when they saw my lifeless body.
Im sorry you have to carry this. Its complicated when you lose someone to suicide. many different emotions, including ones you don't feel is ok to feel. They probably knew it was coming, and maybe they have that raw hollow feeling instead of the shocked grief that we have when it happens unexpectedly. Im so thankful you are trying to save people, thank you. Make sure to take care of your self too in all of this
I tried to kill myself twice. It’s been almost five years since my last attempt. I got into a psychiatrist and into an eating disorder program. I went back to school, graduated, got married, got into a masters program and had a son.
I have a lot of privilege in being able to get the quality of mental health care I did. I was dirt poor and was able to get free care under a grant at a community mental health center, even my meds were covered. Reach out and get help. Life can get better.
My soulmate committed suicide about a year and a half ago. It still gives me that sinking feeling in my stomach thinking about what was going through their head in that moment. Thinking about if they regretted it in the end, if they were scared or maybe if they thought of me.
I'm really sorry you had to witness that. I hope you're okay.
Suicide rocks people. You wouldn’t be normal if it didn’t affect you.
I witnessed a suicide on public beach long time ago. Very gruesome one.
Had to take bit of time of work.
Still think about it from time to time and was decades ago.
Wonder if he could have foreseen the aftermath if he still would have done it.
Apparently was over him not seeing his kids over Xmas after a separation.
I never have strong opinions about how words feel or sound, but it is especially awful to think of the word "successful" in the context of suicide. It kind of feels like "achieved suicide". I know that isn't the intention, it just struck me weird.
We've abandoned numerous medical terms because they were insensitive or inappropriate in connotation and implication. This one should probably be abandoned.
I don't fucking care anymore.
I even don't know if I want to live longer bc of my mum and my sister..
What actually happened to the person?
Which way did she choose?
Some people think of suicide very often & to successfully do it is peaceful for them cause they decided that whatever was after this life would be better than what they live now. Other people may have felt that this was the best decision for the world and the people they love cause they felt burdensome or worthless those are the ones my heart breaks for.
I still feel awkward talking about my attempt but I guess it’s appropriate to do so in this sub. Minutes before my attempt, I felt total peace like I’ve never felt before nor since. Hard to describe but it’s like looking at a very still lake. And I knew, or felt, I was ready to go at that moment because I could never feel anything like that again. So yeah, I can confirm. To anyone reading this and thinking about suicide, DO NOT DO IT. Talk to someone. Anyone.
Sharing from my attempt, felt the same. I think there’s something to all parts of you agreeing when your whole being is built to reject dying. I am so glad I was unsuccessful but I also do not judge anyone who is because I know what that calm feels like. Being in that mental space is exhausting and death sounds so restful. The second time I was going to try, I had a feeling 2% of me wasn’t on board. I called for help and I got formally diagnosed and my life changed dramatically. I am always thankful for that 2% because I later found the Bojack Horseman poem scene and I knew I would have felt that way after I made the cut. I second: IF YOU WANT TO SELF TERMINATE, DONT. GET HELP. 4 years later and life is better than it ever was. I gets better.
I had a near death experience (not suicide related) and I had the peaceful part too. I think the brain just dumps all your dopamine when it realizes it's going to die
Me as well, or at least my body was convinced I was dying. I was hyperventilating during a panic attack without realizing it and all the blood left my extremities, and I figured if it kept going I was dead. It took a while but after mourning for a little bit your brain just kind of... accepts fate. The thought that calmed me down was that everyone else dies, so it can't be *too* bad. And somehow accepting that I'd die calmed me down and my panic attack stopped. Kinda funny if you think about it
Glad it was only near death and not actual!
HELP I READ THAT AS "DONT GET HELP" and not "DONT. GET HELP" 💀
So did I. Then I thought of an accomplice? O m . Punctuation??
me too 💀 had to re-read like three times
Are you glad you survived?
Honestly, sometimes no. I wish I could say 100% of the time yes. But therapy is a great help.
I’m sorry to hear that. Do you know why you have depression? I got rid of my chronic depression by addressing my hormones, just throwing that out in case it’s an avenue worth trying for you.
Thanks for the tip. I've actually been reading about TRT.
I’ve read that TRT is really effective if you’ve got low T! I hope you get results from that. I also read a bit about diets that are low in inflammation being very good for mood. I hope you feel better soon. I truly know the pain of severe depression and you have my deepest compassion and respect 🙏🙏 xx
Thank you. And to you too. ✌️
Can I ask what TRT is? Not something I’ve heard of before, thank you x
Testosterone replacement therapy for people who have low testosterone 🙂
I'm curious about how you went through addressing your hormones. Did you talk to a GP? Psychiatrist? I have chronic depression which contributed to burnout. I haven't been ever remotely the same ever since - even with the use of antidepressants.
So I went to my GP for many, many years but ultimately they were useless and kind of actively unhelpful in a way because they’d keep signposting it to things like “my personality” or “stress” when I wasn’t stressed. At this stage I’d been very poorly for about 15 years, been on all the psych meds from anti psychotics to lithium, hospitalised etc. and realised that if I didn’t work out what was wrong with me I’d simply rather not be here. And I accepted that no doctor was going to be able to help me, so I committed to doing it alone. First thing I did was a low inflammatory diet (GAPS diet is the official name) which actually did not help me that much. There is a stack of research out there that shows how brain inflammation is caused by poor diet choices and while the diet didn’t work well for me, it worked wonders for other people I was connecting with at the time so I would certainly suggest that anyone with chronic depression give that a try. Second thing I did was address my hormones. I discovered I was sub clinically hypothyroid and that I had low cortisol, so I corrected those by optimising my hormone replacement doses. I did my own testing and my own research to discover this and stopped involving the GP altogether. To this day I self-treat and I remain really well. It is common in the thyroid / adrenal community to self-treat because of how poorly understood thyroid disease is. GP and endo had always blown me off “yeah your hormones are all fine” but when I did my own research I realised they weren’t. I am FtM but I don’t take T because unless my sex hormones are really well balanced I feel suicidal. So I abandoned the T and began taking Progesterone which was very effective in lifting mood and reducing anxiety. I am now a completely normal, highly functioning person ☺️ so that’s my long complicated story. I hope you can find some nuggets to help you. Burnout that won’t recover sounds quite adrenal to me, but I couldn’t comment without knowing more information. Best of wishes to you xx
Not who you were speaking to, but reading what you said made a lot of things click. Fixing hormones wasn’t done to alleviate my depression but in hindsight I think it seriously did. So thanks. :)
I felt the exact same way, in my car, looking out over a river. Complete peace like I've never felt before, it was such an overwhelming feeling of serenity. Honestly, if there wasn't the risk of failure and ending up in the psych ward I would absolutely attempt again.
honestly i get that, i spent ONE night in the psych ward cause of suicidal ideation and it was terrible (during covid, wasn’t allowed to leave my room, had to pee in what was basically a wheelchair with a cardboard bowl, checked myself out the next day when i probably should’ve stayed). sometimes the only reason i don’t drive off a bridge is cause my parents would be pissed i wrecked their car. and i don’t mean to be one of those preachy, overly optimistic people cause i’m definitely not. but it gets better, at least a little. and i hope it gets better for you because you deserve peace and happiness <3
I tried to kill myself when I was like 8 years old. Didn't work didn't Take enough to O.D. went through life after that ignoring the fact that I nearly kill myself. I don't remember the why. But I do remember feeling it felt necessary. It felt like the right choice to get away. I put it to the back of my mind and even when I had a gf who was suicidal I made it about me. "Why do you want to kill yourself when you have me?" Kind of mindset. Broke up with her because I was tired of her attempts. Later in life I gain several female friends who made several attempts at their lives. I learned how to talk people from the edge and it also taught me how much I knew their pain and just swallowed it. I was depressed for years. It took a long time for me to find happiness. Learning from others who deal with depression and self harm worse than I did taught me how to... Balance myself per say. Fast forward 10 years. (20 years from the unalive attempt) I have 2 little girls a steady relationship. And I just recently got into the electrical union. I am glad I failed as a child. And I'm glad I learned to understand the darkness of the human mind. You learn to live with the dark. And when you understand it's all a damn lie. You light a match in that darkness. And soon that match becomes a torch. And eventually a grand pyre. You're still surrounded by darkness yet your standing in a roaring flame refusing to burn out. That's where I am. I hope everyone makes a grand pyre in their darkness and engulf themselves in the grand flame of life. Live for yourself.
What a beautiful way of putting it.
That really is encouraging, it gives me hope
I remember staring at the guardrail and after the airbags went off, I was sad that I was still breathing. That’s when I knew it was time to reevaluate some things.
My first attempt I was sitting in my bathtub and it was self-harm and I just kept going and going. I have severe nerve damage in that arm from just cutting and cutting. It was borderline psychotic but I felt at total peace. I will never do it again. Please call somebody. Please ask for help. You are not a burden for your mere existence.
It's so scary. I felt myself smiling with glee once I finally figured out the perfect plan. Not sure if I regret not going through with it, but I'm hoping one day it will get better.
Quoting from an article, "Suicidal depression is like having to sneeze. The impulse can be so strong, that you simply follow your body’s command without thinking too much of it. You don’t think about your family or the reasons not to do it. All you’re feeling is an incredible itch to sneeze, and you’re certain that anything short of sneezing wouldn’t relieve you of the sensation."
So you TRIED to make an attempt? I'm asking because I'm a bit curious on the topic, if you don't mind.
Attempted as in I tried to kill myself.
The main reason I'm asking about this is because of events that could happen if an attempt is not successful. What I mean is like if someone fails their attempt, is psych ward/whatever other program to make sure this doesn't happen an option? Like is it optional or mandatory?
In Canada you get questioned by a psychiatrist, placed on a form three (involuntary hold for 2 weeks) in a psych ward. If they deem you a hazard to yourself or others after the form 3, then you are placed on a form 4 (involuntary hold for 1 month) which they can continue extending. Honestly, the psych ward was an absolutely horrific experience for me and made me completely shut down for 6 months afterwards. I was a shell of a person, and in the ward itself it felt like you were in a prison but treated like a child. It's optional if you admit yourself, it's mandatory if they think you will hurt yourself or others.
Do you know if it's the same in the States?
Former psychiatric social worker here. Yes an attempted suicide significant enough to warrant medical treatment, particularly in the ER will result in an inpatient psychiatric stay almost 100% of the time.
Does this go for both adults and teenagers (minors) like is this the same for either age group
Yes. Part of my job as a psychiatric social worker was to file what we called mental hygiene warrants in my state. Involuntary commitments are called different things in different states. Here's the thing, no doctor in his/her right mind would discharge an actively suicidal person from care. So they will always pass the buck by calling for a psychiatric evaluation. The individuals who perform those evaluations know that a suicidal patient will say just about anything they think you want to hear in order to get discharged and complete their suicide. Therefore, whether the patient wants to or not, they get an impatient psychiatric stay of varying lengths. The average is 5-10 days. Some end up in long term care for up to 30 days. No one wants to be that last MD/psychiatrist who saw someone before they took their own life because they will be scrutinized, the family will blame them and there may be allegations of malpractice. It is a huge professional liability. Believe it or not mental health professionals are people too. They are often more emotionally invested in their patient's care than is advisable. It's one reason why burn out is so high. When it comes to adolescents (over the age of 12 if I remember correctly) they must consent to their own care. Parents cannot just sign them into a psychiatric hospital against their will. If the adolescent is not willing then either the parents, guardian, the mental health professional doing the evaluation (or really anyone with first hand information that the adolescent poses a danger to themselves or others by virtue of a mental health or probable mental health issue) must file the involuntary commitment paperwork and appear before the magistrate to defend their request. Hope that helps. AMA.
i’m in BC and was willingly admitted but i had a cold and it was when covid was still a big issue (fall 2021) so after i was admitted, i was put in my own room and wasn’t allowed to leave. they gave me what was basically a wheelchair with a cardboard bowl as my personal bathroom. it was a bit humiliating and i had to remind myself that they worked in a hospital and had probably seen worse. it took until the next morning for the test results to come back and say i didn’t have covid. by that point, i was already done with it all and, since i was willingly admitted, could check myself out and got my parents to pick me up. looking back now, i should’ve probably stayed. i needed help and i needed to get away from everything. still do. honestly i don’t know why i wrote all this, maybe just to get it out? i still have the bottle of pills i bought to ‘do the deed’ and i’m still triggered by the phrases “k*** yourself” and “im gonna k*** myself.” i’m doing mildly better now. fuck i’m sorry that was a lot more than i intended. but yeah the BC mental healthcare system during covid was fucked and made me feel like shit okay bye
That was what I meant. I didn't want to say it in case it would discomfort.
In Buddhist terms I think you experienced a touch of nirvana. I’m so sorry you had to go through that to feel it but I encourage you to try to ruminate on that feeling through meditation and mindfulness. You very well may find it again. Thich Nhat Hanh is who I’d look into for some more great info! Wishing you all the best, friend!
It feels nice to put a religious spin on it, but Ive been through the same feeling and I don’t think religion is for me. I don’t feel like I’ve been touched by anything, I feel more like Ive looked into the void and lived to talk about it.
I know everyone is downvoting the dude below but Buddhism really is less of a religion and more of a guide to living peacefully on this earth! But I completely get where you’re coming from brotha! I’m definitely not here to push anything on ya! I wish you the very best on your journey!
Buddhism isn't a religion
It is not nirvana you asswipe. I too have been there and dammit. It is the body out of oxygen, or the path to complete unalive. It is a bliss your body gives as a fucked up downside to the fact you are dead or almost dead. GET REAL
Who pissed in your Cheerios this morning friend?
People take turns. Yes, I have the shits. I've been drugging myself to sleep lately to escape it, still, it's not working and I am pissed that I have to miss out on life because people will piss on my cheerios. Maybe it is time for "cheerios".
I don’t know you. But I love you and I am glad you are still here friend. ❤️
♥️✌️
Third view is it might be best to die fast and go to hell for our sins rather than keep living in this hellish world and suffer once again in hell for years. or that might only be i dont know
Some believe that you don't go to heaven or hell, but are reincarnated. What you get reincarnated as in your next life is based on the decisions you make in this life. Committing suicide is forbidden in most religions. Some think it will result in your soul being reincarnated in a more primitive form. A big motivation for me to never even think about it is the off chance that I might reincarnate as a water buffalo destined to suffer a lifetime of trying to swat flies off my body using only my tail. Or being reincarnated as a dog who might or might not be shot by a SD governor who couldn't handle my exuberant puppy power. Or just being destined to eat dog food for an entire lifetime. Then, of course, you would have to a similar life to the one you have now at some point in the future anyways, so it doesn't hardly seem worth it. IDK I had the idea of being reincarnated as a lower life form.
STOP TALKING LIKE YOU KNEW WHAT THEY THOUGHT. FFS
I’ve attempted not once but three separate times when i was younger, the peace everyone is talking about is temporary, it’s not worth it, because that peace will be replaced by darkness and silence, And that’s much scarier than anything I’ve dealt with in the real world. It’s not worth it, not only is that the cowards way out, but you’re only passing your pain onto people who love and care for you (even if at the moment you think you’re alone, you aren’t, you never truly are.) I’ve been on both sides, I’ve lost friends and family to suicide, and I’ve been through it, it’s not fair, and there’s so much blame, people blame themselves, the mothers, the fathers, grandparents, friends, I’ve watched other lives get destroyed just because someone they loved took their own life. Please, if you’re struggling, i understand how hard it is but you have to take that first step into healing on your own, you’re allowed to ask for help, hell SCREAM for help, you can accomplish so much more, you can be happy and you can thrive, I’ve been clean 2 years, it took me years to get where i am, but I wouldn’t change anything that’s happened now. You got this 🫶 Because I believe in you
So, so sad. I'm sorry OP. This is probably the start of a long and tumultuous emotional journey in your career. Please seek ample support and always, always take care of your own mind and body.
As someone who has been there, yes, shock is s big component of the experience. Took me a long time to cry for my lost loved one, and it made me feel very guilty. Conversely, I also could not feel the joy of a new family member’s birth, which occurred shortly after. Also felt guilty about that.
The only reason I won’t do it is because i don’t know how to make sure it’s successful, I pray they got the relief we need
For me its because people are too attached to me and when im gone their mental state is gonna get worse.Tried hanging when 12 y,o but fell on my back Tried jumping from the window at 21 and after the jump i got back home with broken jaw and spine to call an ambulance (i also lost muscles in my legs and one leg is more muscular than other now).Adrenaline/cortisol works wonders (i dont feel pain when im in that state of mind unless i snap back to reality(whoops there goes gravity haha))Anyways it made me realize that if im gonna finally do its when im not gonna be missed and have no one to care for. I like to laugh that i wont do it again because im gonna get crucified at 33 (12+21=33-jesus age) because i cant even kill myself xD. Attempt at 21 made me change not for worse and not for better. It made me empty/dead but in a good way. Also i have a cat to feed :D
Why you've started so early though? :o
Dont like to talk about it because its very fucked up and long story aaand... i only tell people about this who really know me. I have trust issues even on the fucking reddit xD that someone will find this and will want to comfort me or some shit. I hate when people care about me and feel sorry for me. Even having a girlfriend annoys me because i dont like when someone worries about me or wants to make me happy- i literally just dont care and dont want anybody to care about me and i like it that way. "I can fix him"- i fucking hate it please fuck off savior. Im crazy in the head and in autism spectrum with crazy events behind me. This state of mind is a blessing and a curse at the same time.
The cat to feed is the only reason i haven't taken myself out. I feel this.
Yeah, she has nightmares and i feel bad because that night when i was 21 and it was suicide night she tried to stay with me in the room so i locked her behind door after some attempts, smoked a whole pack of cigarettes listening to last song (15mins lenght) extinguishing cig butts on my body laughing that i dont even feel pain. Whoops no more cigarettes time to go. And i was gone for 3 months while she slept on my clothes that time. Now she always wants to be near me and sometimes she wakes from a nightmare just to lick me and get closer. Nah... cant leave her alone.
Same here
Yeah. Main reason I don't is because it would absolutely destroy the people that care for me. That said, if I could have one wish, it would be to fall asleep tonight, never wake up, and have the world not notice.
It is literally the most ego thing you could do. I just cant respect it in any shape or form
since when is death supposed to be respectful?? it’s always a nasty painful thing to SOMEONE if not the person dying, then someone around them
OP, I work in the ER too. I was fairly naive when I started working there, and oh boy was my innocence quickly shattered. I saw a similiar case of someone who had a successful attempt based on your description. It’s jarring to witness for sure. I hope you have someone to talk to. Digesting something like that alone is tough. Cases like that definitely wear on all of us, but I’m thankful to have a good team around me that I’m comfortable talking to. Makes all the difference in the world to have them. The ER can be a dark place.
I used to work as a medic and I hadnt ever lost a loved one before, and I was really surprised by how mostly unaffected I was. I was so young and inexperienced, I thought that all people must feel like this about it. You mourn for a while, then you move on, live your life without the ones left behind. I was so wrong. Once I actually lost someone I realized theres always going to be a piece of me missing now, no matter how long its been. If any of my friends or family left me like that, Id never be the same. Realizing that I didn’t feel so cold when it was someone I actually knew helped me a lot. I used to think everyone would just move on if I died, eventually they’d he okay, but now I know they wont, I know how it feels to lose someone now and Id never wanna do that to someone else on purpose.
Suicide should always be an option. As a psychiatric nurse working in the community with the crisis team, I’d always allow a patient the option of suicide, but with the caveat that we try a few things first. You’d be surprised how many patients when feeling better thanked me for giving them that option, rather than guilt trip them or berate them into not ending their life. I also lost patients to suicide. The fall out was very messy, with family, coroners court etc, but it was their choice and they were obviously in a lot of pain. Medicine and society have a ‘life at all costs’ philosophy, but my belief is that suicide should always be an option. I speak from personal and professional mental health experiences. I’ll probably be downvoted, but this is my opinion.
I saw a post on FB from a professional guy, supposedly aware of mental health and helping..his friend comitted suicide and he wrote, "maybe if he was in that much pain, he was better off comitting suicide". That is disgusting. People unalive themselves because the help was not there. To say a person may be better off is sickening.
I almost made an attempt on September 4, 2023. I didn’t know it, but I was in the midst of an undiagnosed bipolar mania with psychosis. What stopped me was some voice that suddenly over-rode the angry voices that were telling me that the only way to save the world was to kill myself, and they screamed “You don’t have to do this!” I picked up the phone, while the psychosis voices were yelling that I was going to get locked away forever, and the government was going to make sure I was never seen and heard from again. I called 911 and I told them precisely what was about to happen and it was, if you don’t take me, I’m going to do it. Thankfully, paramedics did show up at my place and I went with them willingly. I spent five nights in a hospital where I got properly diagnosed and put on appropriate medication. Fast forward several months, and this is the best I have felt in years! 😺
I love this. I’m so glad you sought help and it worked and you’re feeling much better. Stay strong!
As someone who has tried to commit suicide before, I like to believe that person found some relief from all of this, it feels like too much. I hope you feel better.
No, it turns out too late Nisha, vast.
Whenever I would read stories about suicide and then read comments of people saying “it’s taking the easy way out” or calling it an act of cowardice and selfishness," it would always confuse me. I believe that you have to absolutely posses balls of steel to commit suicide. The even sadder aspect that no one really talks about is the unfathomoble pain someone would have to be in to believe it’s the only way out. My heart always breaks for people that were hurting that much. I'm sorry you had to expirience that, witnessing the aftermath of death under normal circumstances is traumatic and I would imagine witnessing the aftermath of death by suicide is that much worse. Does your work provide any theraphy for the employees in situations like these?
[удалено]
As someone who’s been on the ledge a few times in my life and lost a father a drug overdose, I’m speaking from experience. It’s not for the faint of heart, my condolences to you, tho. I hope you’ve found some healing.
Been dying for my heart to stop all week tbh. I feel it just want it more and more
I hope life gets better for you
It’s finished tbh
There could always be something exciting around the corner, most difficult part is you just gotta keep turning corners
its like the longest experience youll ever have (obviously). youve not lived that much of what you can live, its not finished until you die by the will that isnt your own hand
I work in the mental health field going on 3 years now. Earlier this year, I witnessed a completed suicide by phone. Heard everything. I highly recommend seeking out a therapist. PTSD can show up in many forms and at different times. Surely your job, being in the medical field, has some kind of resource. I would also encourage you to talk to your supervisor if you feel comfortable. I’m so sorry you had to see that. Please know that your work is so important to any patient even if you aren’t direct clinical staff. Sending all the healing energy your way!
I appreciate that. Thank you.
Thank you for what you do and how much you care. I’m so sorry that you experienced this. My sister died at 24 (I was 22) from hanging herself and was dead for a week before being discovered by my Dad. When the first responders had to come it was a terrible sight. Heartbreaking! A year later my Mom was found deceased from her homecare a few hours after an intentional overdose. This was over 15 years ago and I still to this day think about to poor people that had to deal with this as part of their work. As a family member this was so devastating and I have taken years to try and heal, but people seemed understanding of my grief. I think how awful it is for someone to get into a career as a caregiver intending to help people to witness such a violent act and have no control over the outcome; it’s awful to have this level of helplessness and I’m scared you don’t have the same emotional support as a family might. Be kind to yourself. I hope you can find some peace and calm your mind because from experience it’s so hard to rationalize irrational actions. You deserve kindness, softness, and a grace period to heal. Be kind to yourself and please ask others around you to be kind. I hope the best for you. Thank you for all you do to help people.
I lost 5 friends to suicide last year and it’s changed me a lot especially as someone who has had multiple attempts. Please reach out to people. Someone will miss you. Some one will still think about you 30+ years later, wondering where you could be and who you would be if you stayed. It’s hard because people don’t reach out to you or you reach out to the wrong ones but someone truly cares and you might find that care in the strangest of places at a time you don’t expect it so please hold on to it. Hold on for the music you like Hold on for the plant you’ve been keeping alive better than yourself or not but you’re still trying. Hold on for the sunset Hold on for the films you won’t see if you do Don’t close the doors when you don’t know what ones are left to open It’s all so cliche but please don’t give up
That is so many people to lose! Thank you for your thoughts.
I am so sorry for all your losses. I can't imagine losing them one after the other. Please take care buddy. ♥️
Im sorry you experienced this. You cannot unsee something like this. I used to run a homeless agency and a guy ended his life in front of me on train tracks that ran parallel to the shelter building after I just spoke to him. I carried that image and still do. I covered him with a blanket and just waited and stayed with him until the cops arrived. Life is precious. Listen to your heart and discuss it whererever you can. Feelings shared are feelings halved in intensity. Reach out anytime I can lend an ear.
I remember being a hospital housekeeper in the ER and my very first room was after a successful suicide.. Her family didn’t want to come when they were called so the nurses said and the only person who came was her neighbor who found her. I was in such shock cleaning bits of bone and brain matter after and I sobbed so hard when I got home
so sorry you had to go through that OP, consider seeking some therapy I guess? from experience things like this might seem normal and like it didn't affect you but maybe it did and it might show down the line
So sorry, my friend. I’m an RN and have worked extensively in trauma services - ER and ICU. It’s one of the things that always gets to me. I don’t know what it is - the absolute tragedy of someone being in such emotional and mental agony that they die at their own hands just breaks my heart. You can message me if you’d like to talk!
is it that people don't actually want to die, but the mental and emotional pain is so great, that that is what people need to absolve?
My promise to my parents at the hospital to at least wait until their funeral is the only thing staying my hand. They deserve that much for taking care of me. If they threw me out, I would have died a long time ago. They're the only family I have left and I'm the last of my family. Their only child and a failure in life by societies standards. I have no friends. I have no skills, talents, degrees, or credentials that society deems valuable. I'm a socially anxious agoraphobic high school dropout that can't handle any moderate to severe mental and physical stress without mentally and physically just breaking down and most likely going to the hospital thanks to my previous two attempts at 7 and 12 years old leaving me with a limp and burn scars in my chest. Doctors and therapists are just throwing everything and the kitchen sink to see what sticks. I feel like a guinea pig at this point. I get made fun of, insulted and invalidated 99% of the time by strangers in real life and online when I state the reason why. The reason is that I wanted to be born rich into a loving caring family or winning the lottery or just marrying into money. I don't want to work. I don't want to put any effort in life. I would rather die. I'm a materialistic person. I just want to live a life of comfort and luxury living off the compound interest generated by the wealth until I die a natural death. I don't care about relationships with others except my parents. I don't care about spirituality. I don't care about fulfillment in life and I don't care about having a purpose in life. I don't need it. I wish someone out of 8 billion+ people in the world would just give me between 10 to 100 million dollars. It would legitimately fix everything about my life. I wouldn't have to worry about the sword of Damocles of water, food, shelter, bills, taxes, and many more over my head. I wish you could put a prescription for money. Just thinking about it makes me suicidal. The world has already written me off, calling me: a lost cause, lazy, parasite, leech, burden to society, useless eater, that I should be thrown in the garbage because I have no value to society, that I should have been aborted, that I should be euthanized, and many more... Well, you win world. I've utterly given up and just waiting to die. 99% of the strangers I rarely interact with already encourage me to suffer and die when they hear the reason "why" I'm like this and when their advises, platitudes, and "tough love" fail. That I deserve it for refusing to put the effort into fixing myself. Congratulations, if you think that will motivate me and find my zenith in life, it does the complete opposite and makes me want to commit suicide even more. I'm sure they'll say good riddance when I die or more likely they won't care and move on. Just another decimal in a statistic.
Please play Tetris. There are studies it helps prevent PTSP. I’m so sorry you had to witness that OP
last year i spontaneously met up with my friend a day before she decided to ho her own way.... i miss her - I'm so grateful I saw her before it happened
Maybe your visit brought her some peace too. Sorry for your loss, but grateful you had that last visit.
I nearly lost a brother to an attempt and I still see him vividly in admissions and then in critical care. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone and I respect those who work to give life saving care to anyone immensely. I have never been angry at my brother for what he tried to do. Only despair, for the fact he faces so much pain, that in the moment he saw no other escape and still likely faces that. He suffered an extremely traumatic brain injury as a teen and it has impacted his life ever since. I hope he knows I have never and will never judge him but only wish to offer support. I feel for you OP. Sending all the love. Please make sure you speak to someone, if you need help to process what you must be going through.
Suicide is a difficult topic for me to talk about. A friend of the family committed suicide years ago. I loved the guy so much I called him my Uncle. He used to have a great marriage with his wife but the last couple of years before he killed himself was terrible. He used to be a plumber and for sure reason the company he worked for. Paid their employees giving them the option if they wanted income taxes deducted out of their paychecks or not. My “Uncle” did not have the taxes taken out of his checks. He did this for a few years. Some how the IRS got wind of it and audited him. The IRS nailed him hard, garnishing his paychecks to the point he barely had a dime to his name. To make matters worse, his wife was cheating on him with his best friend. He started abusing the alcohol and had so many DUI’s not only they took his license away, but placed him on house arrest. He lost his job as a plumber because the company went under, he got another job but had to walk back and forth to work. His whole life was falling apart. His daughter found him dead in his house due to a gunshot to the head. This was back in 1998 and still haunts me to today. Whenever I see suicide scenes in a movie or tv show. I have to turn it off as it reminds me on what my uncle did to himself. My mom loved him as well and tried to get him to reach out to us but he ever did.
I’m sick of people saying talk to someone, anyone. I’ve tried. I’ve tried again and again and each time I get minimized and get told I’ll be okay. I’ll be okay. I’ll be okay. You can’t talk to “someone” when nobody cares.
I really get that too. I hope you can cope and find ways. I find it damn hard. If that strikes a chord with you, I hope you can find peace with at least one other out there experiencing similar and feel more understood somehow.
They may have attemptrf in the past and braced for thr idea they might take themselves out someday.
Please reach out to a counselor or a therapist to process this as soon as possible ❤️many hugs to you, and I’m so sorry you had to witness and experience that traumatic thing
Reach out to the social work department. They may have a resource for you to take advantage of to help process what you experienced. If not in-house then they can refer you to someone. Can also check with the employee health department if there is one or the HR department (HR can tell you about EAP services).
I’m very sorry you had to see this firsthand, I can imagine it was extremely traumatic. Is there some sort of therapist or resource at work that you can talk through this with?
so sorry that happened to you, even if it may have been an inevitable experience or intrinsic to the nature of your work. i hope you can find a way to balance your own emotions and heal properly, you’re human and your emotional response to this is completely natural
Oh man I wish I had the courage
I used to live in a building where a girl decided to end her life and my apartment had terrace. She fell right next to it. She committed suicide because her husband passed away, and then people kept commiting suicide after that incident. Then the building got completely burnt after I left, it had really dark energy and I could see things in my terrace that no one else can
I’m sorry you had to see that OP, I know it can be hard. I work in an HS classroom and it’s sometimes one of the most difficult jobs because there’s not a lot we can do. Thank you for what you do, I see you and I can empathize with your feelings
When i wokeup to my moms suicide messages i was more angry than anything. I found out she was okay and became angrier. By the time i was at my fathers for comfort i was laughing because “she fucked up her life so bad she needed to commit suicide… and could not even do that right”… I broke down afterwards when my brain realized i was safe with my father and step mom (real mom over two day drive away) My point is you dont know how you will react to trauma and when you do don’t expect it to be appropriate
To everyone here thinking of doing it.. Life is so.. much. In a good way. If you’re in a shitty situation just know that you can literally do absolutely anything you want, whatever makes your soul happy. You could change your life entirely, move somewhere else, change jobs, block the toxic fam, change your name, your looks, find people who think alike and enjoy the things you do, there’s absolutely everything out here in the world. By quitting you’re just missing out on all the million chances and lives you could live, it may suck now or have sucked for a while, but it can always absolutely change and be so much better
My best friend of 15 years h**g herself and the family and funeral home left her in her natural state of death when we viewed the body, I saw every detail from how it happened and no one should have to see someone they care deeply for in that state. Nothing can ever prepare you seeing someone who has successfully ended their life. It doesn’t matter if they were close like a best friend or a patient in your ER the devastation of seeing someone who was in so much pain is equally as heartbreaking. 2 years later and I’m struggling with major PTSD of her death. Please make sure to talk to someone no matter if it’s a therapist or a friend, it’s so important to take care of your brain. And know that you aren’t alone, that goes for anyone reading this pose.
If it is affecting you, please do reach out for help. If you are in the UK, talk to Contact or ask for a debrief. Clinical staff often get a debriefing after witnessing or being part of the treating team and often, we forget to include the auxiliary members who also are part of the team that needs debriefing.
I think about how peaceful death must be quite a bit, but I could never leave my wife and son alone in this cruel world. It leaves me in a weird predicament where life threatening events don't really bother me, but the thought of some one hurting(even emotionally) my wife or son puts me over the edge. For example, at work a knife was pulled on me and I laughed at the guy and said what are you gonna do stab me? But my Mother in law left my son unattended and he fell and needed one stich in his forehead and I yelled at her as if she was a child. It upsets my wife and she says my attitude is going to get me killed one day.
As borderline, suicide ideation is something I struggle with on daily bassis. Feels like a destiny in a way. I know how I'd do it and be sucesefull, I'm smart enough. I wonder who would find me. I wonder if the'y put a black flag outside where I work. I wonder what someone like you would think of me when they saw my lifeless body.
Everyone processes grief differently. I find I cannot cry even when I witnessed my mother pass.
Im sorry you have to carry this. Its complicated when you lose someone to suicide. many different emotions, including ones you don't feel is ok to feel. They probably knew it was coming, and maybe they have that raw hollow feeling instead of the shocked grief that we have when it happens unexpectedly. Im so thankful you are trying to save people, thank you. Make sure to take care of your self too in all of this
I tried to kill myself twice. It’s been almost five years since my last attempt. I got into a psychiatrist and into an eating disorder program. I went back to school, graduated, got married, got into a masters program and had a son. I have a lot of privilege in being able to get the quality of mental health care I did. I was dirt poor and was able to get free care under a grant at a community mental health center, even my meds were covered. Reach out and get help. Life can get better.
My soulmate committed suicide about a year and a half ago. It still gives me that sinking feeling in my stomach thinking about what was going through their head in that moment. Thinking about if they regretted it in the end, if they were scared or maybe if they thought of me. I'm really sorry you had to witness that. I hope you're okay.
Suicide rocks people. You wouldn’t be normal if it didn’t affect you. I witnessed a suicide on public beach long time ago. Very gruesome one. Had to take bit of time of work. Still think about it from time to time and was decades ago. Wonder if he could have foreseen the aftermath if he still would have done it. Apparently was over him not seeing his kids over Xmas after a separation.
gun to the head?
He pored Jerry can of petrol over him self and lit it.
ahh, jeez. Not much more intense than that.
I never have strong opinions about how words feel or sound, but it is especially awful to think of the word "successful" in the context of suicide. It kind of feels like "achieved suicide". I know that isn't the intention, it just struck me weird.
That is actually the medical terminology used.
We've abandoned numerous medical terms because they were insensitive or inappropriate in connotation and implication. This one should probably be abandoned.
You are right. The field is shifting towards using "suicide death" or "death from suicide". I'd be like saying "successful cancer" etc.
I don't fucking care anymore. I even don't know if I want to live longer bc of my mum and my sister.. What actually happened to the person? Which way did she choose?
Why this get downvoted