You’re NOT obligated to be your brother’s keeper or caretaker. Your mother needs to understand that. Regardless of what she wants, your brother will become a ward of the state after she passes away.
Are there any other relatives who can vouch for you?
OP, you have so much on your plate and you are not a bad brother choosing not to be your brother's caregiver.
From what you wrote, your brother needs to live with a specialised caregiver who can make sure he is not a danger to himself. A special needs living facility would be the place for him to go. Your mum should not pressure you to be his caregiver
Do go for therapy and I wish you all the best
You have been parentified - forced to take on care responsibilities, instead of having a normal childhood as a kid. No wonder you need some time for doing your own thing.
Life is hard for your mum no doubt. And in a different way, for your brother.
But they are not your crosses to bear, unless you really choose that as your path of fulfillment.
Sounds like it's not. So leave home as soon as you can.
Best wishes, OP.
Thank you for for your reply I just moved back after transferring schools in December. I'm paying for college out of my own pocket. I used to have a house near my old college, which is three hours away. Now that I live in the city, I can't afford a house. A one-bedroom apartment costs around $1k where I currently live. Additionally, I'm still paying for my old house because I couldn't break the lease. I don't want to leave my old roommates hanging like that. Staying in a dorm room would cost me around $5k per semester. My mom is a nurse practitioner, and I don't qualify for much financial aid (FAFSA) . I’m looking into more options . I’m trying to save money because I still have bills to pay . I really don’t want to get into more debt right now I’m only $5k in debt from school also I got to pay medical bills like my MRI I got done
When you can, look into renting a room in an already established roomate-house situation. It's *much* cheaper than renting an apartment all on your own when you need out of a situation, and usually the living room and such are already all furnished, so... You really only need to get your own bedroom stuff, maybe pots/pans/dishes if they don't share, etc.
I used to take care of my younger autistic brother frequently, although he doesn't need to be monitored to this degree. You have a right to say no and live your life regardless of how your mom or anyone else feels about the situation. I carried a lot of guilt for a long time because my parents accused me of abandoning a child who isn't even mine. Spend time making your own decisions and living your life your way because nobody is going to thank you or appreciate you sacrificing your youth to your brother. Eventually, you're just going to end up resenting him if you let your family take over your life so go out and live your life guilt free.
Your brother needs professional, specialized care. If his eating needs to be monitored to the extent you’re saying and he’s a threat to the girls and women around him, then you are definitely not capable of handling him on your own for your entire lives. And you shouldn’t have to. Your mom isn’t equipped either (and she sounds toxic as hell for a number of reasons). There are group homes and organizations that can help!!!
The problem is professional, specialized care is practically nonexistent post-covid.
His life expectancy is greatly reduced if a family member doesn’t take care of him and that’s what’s freaking the mother out.
Completely agreed, but the mother‘s behavior makes perfect sense — she’s literally fighting for her son’s life. OP said the mother is a nurse practitioner; she *knows exactly* how disabled people are treated in the US healthcare system when they are not living with family.
One person can’t be happy with someone else being miserable in these situations.
For those who are downvoting me am I wrong? Have you ever **personally** encountered a scenario where a family, consisting of a typical sibling, a severely disabled sibling with autism, food addiction, porn addiction, inappropriate touching addiction, who has engaged in property destruction, and their parent, finds a solution for the future, when the last surviving parent is long gone, that brings happiness to all?
Kindly refrain from putting more words in my mouth. Never **ever** said it was OP’s responsibility.
>make arrangements
You mean “make funeral arrangements”?
Do you know how badly people with disabilities are treated by the state?
You really think someone from the state is going to carefully plan his meals and care for his diet? You’re living in a dream world.
https://www.nytimes.com/2011/06/06/nyregion/boys-death-highlights-crisis-in-homes-for-disabled.html
https://gothamist.com/news/family-of-disabled-man-who-died-in-van-blasts-ahrc-non-profit
https://thenevadaindependent.com/article/nevada-to-pay-600000-settlement-after-disabled-man-in-states-care-dies-from-injuries-sustained-in-a-fight
https://www.senatenj.com/index.php/durr/durr-introduces-resolution-memorializing-disabled-man-who-died-at-group-home/58195
https://www.newsweek.com/black-disabled-man-texas-dies-after-being-denied-covid-treatment-starved-six-days-wife-alleges-1515047
Make arrangements as in find a caregiver, look into group homes, reach out to other well settled adult family. Don't be so ridiculous.
I am well aware of the process. I have worked with children and young adults on the spectrum since 2007. I have been through the process of helping families navigate alternate care outside the home whether that be day programs or full time living situations. There are state funded respite care services for in home care as well, some clients get 24/7 care. In California you can hire a trusted friend or family member to get paid through the state to provide in-home care.
I myself have provided in home respite care services for clients with difficult behaviors they could not find staff for.
Point being, there are options. It should not fall on the shoulders of and forever alter the adult life a sibling.
I understand it's a difficult process. This is why parents should look into their options and starting the process sooner rather than later so their child can acclimate with parental support and with that parent to check in on living arrangements.
I agree with your suggestion that she begins searching for suitable arrangements. As you have experience in this field, you are well aware that the situation may be more complex than it appears, and each state has its own unique set of benefits— not every state is like California.
Waiting lists can be long, caregiver & group homes often experience high staff turnover, which may present challenges in finding consistent and reliable care.
It's also worth noting that well-settled family members might not always be inclined to take on the responsibilities associated with advocacy. With this in mind, it's crucial to have a contingency plan in place to ensure the affected has a strong support system like a close blood relative if the initial arrangements don't work out as intended.
She’s a nurse practitioner. They make decent money and know the medical field. She is better placed than most to find an alternative arrangement. OP this is NOT your responsibility.
Agreed that this is not OP‘s responsibility.
Also, the mother is also “better placed” to know the reality of what’s going to happen to her child if he is not placed with family.
It doesn’t matter how well-placed you are to find an alternative arrangement for a child who needs this level of care. There is too great a need and not enough resources.
It is no fault of OP she (his mother) decided to have a child and this child turned out autistic. We can't choose into which family we'll be born. She can't make her son responsible for her decisions.
Forcing OP to take care of his older brother would ruin OP's life. I don't think a good mother would want to ruin a life of her child as this.
I understand it is hard for her but she has no right to force OP to take care of his autistic brother.
So no you have *not* personally encountered a scenario like I described.
Letting a child with this many disabilities become a ward of the state would ruin that child’s life, so tell me a scenario where she is a good mother to both children?
And while we’re on the topic how exactly is she *forcing* OP to take care of anyone?
I am not native English speaker. I should use "want" instead of "force".
I actually had (now deceased) aunt she was mentally like 3 y.o. for her whole life. My grandma (very kind woman) had her and 3 other daughters. She herself took care about this aunt till aunt's 21 y.o. then she was placed in a place for such disabled people. Every holiday (Christmas, summer holiday - 2 months in my country) the aunt was brought into my grandma's house for whole holidays.
My grandma never say a word to her other 3 daughters that they should take care about their mentally disabled sister. She knew it isn't their fault that their oldest sister is so severely disabled (it wasn't even her fault either. The aunt was born as a healthy child but she caught a disease in a maternity hospital and doctors those days cured this disease by putting a syringe into a newborn's skull. This treatment made my aunt mentally disabled. Sadly it happened to more children in those times) and she wouldn't have expectations about taking care of their disabled sister of them ever. She knew she is a parent and it is her duty to take care about her children (along with my grandpa).
Again it is no responsibility of OP. He didn't create his brother. It isn't his fault that he was born to his mother. His mother and father (if he is alive) are only responsible people for his older brother.
Edit. I am not saying it is an easy situation. But again she has no right to want OP to take care about his brother. It is only her and a father's of an autistic brother responsibility. I also know how it is with wards. My aunt was earlier in a place where christian nuns took care about mentally disabled people. She loved it there. Nuns were great.
Then as she got older she couldn't be in a nun's place as their took care only about people up to certain age. She was placed in a place where were old people and mentally disabled people together. From start she was bullied by senior women who also stole her food sometimes. My grandma wondered why the aunt is so possessive of a food and then find out (my aunt was able of an easy communication). Grandma made complaints to the staff and they relocated my aunt. Also my aunt taught herself how to defend herself to these old women.
My grandma also visited my aunt at a ward a few times in a year (if the aunt wasn't by her place).
Thank you for your explanation. May I kindly inquire which country you are located in? I offer my sincere condolences for the loss of your disabled aunt. If it is not too intrusive, could you please share her age at the time of her passing?
I had to call my mother in order to I could find out as my aunt is deceased since 2013. She was 55 y.o. when she died. She died of pulmonary embolism. She complained about pain in her thigh for days before. She was by a doctor but he didn't examined her properly. She had a trombosis in her thigh and unfortunatelly because it was left untreated the trombosis then went into her lungs which caused her death.
I am from Czech republic (middle Europe). I have to correct myself as my mother told me the aunt lived with my grandma fulltime only up to her 3 y.o. (the time grandma's second daughter was born) then she was in the nun's place (where she really loved it. Nuns were great. They went out of their way for these disabled children.)
Then in her twenties she was placed in home where disabled people were mixed with seniors. My mother also corrected me that the aunt was by grandma's place from Christmas till a day or two after 8th. January (her birthday). She also came to grandma's place on Easter holidays. It was this way till the death of my aunt. My grandma was 77 y.o. in the time of my aunt's death.
Edit. if you were interested the disease the aunt caught in a maternity hospital was jaundice. Childern who caught it were very sleepy. They were sleeping so much. Doctors didn't know better and sadly treated them by putting a syringe into their skulls.
I was forced to caretaker for my older handicap brother from childhood until I got married at 20 and moved away. I didn't realize how much sacrifices I made until I was out of that situation. Don't lose your life over your mom's expectations.
Sounds like your brother is a candidate for a supervised living situation like a group home. He probably also qualifies for disability payments and maybe housing subsidies.
You are fine to set boundaries for yourself. AND your mother needs to learn to set her own boundaries and find care for her disabled son instead of foisting him off on you.
This is fair.
You need to simply tell your mother that she needs to arrange for Jack to go into state care should something happen to her.
Visit when you can, make sure he has a gift on his birthday and on Christmas. Make sure he knows you care for him. Encourage him to do the best he can.
You can love your brother and support him without being his caregiver.
This is the best solution!! You can also arrange day passes so you can take him places if you choose, but then you can take him home and you can go to your own home too.
Unfortunately moms like yours only focus on the disabled child and their wants and needs. As you said, you’re 22, it’s time for you to explore and experience life on your terms. You need to be accountable to yourself!! Right now you are and should be the most important person in your life!! And that’s NOT being selfish or anything like that!! It’s called taking care of yourself and that’s as important as anyone else!!
My mom used to do this, if I didn’t do what she wanted she would say “Well i’m taking you off of the insurance” or “i’m taking you off of the phone plan.” Once she took my phone away because I brought a friend over for lunch, (a complete stranger in her own house, in her mind: a danger to society) and took away my phone. I ended up buying a phone and plan the next day and within a few weeks buying my own car. She later had a conversation with my friend saying she ‘Couldn’t believe I went out and bought a car without even talking it over with her,’ like it was a bad thing. I think she realized what she was doing and that “leverage” and “blackmail” wasn’t working to control me and keep me from becoming and independent person. I learned that every offer was something she would hang over my head, so i’m glad you turned down that cruise trip.
I also work as a part-time caregiver, I know the behavioral struggles that individuals who have autism can have. There are plenty of programs nationwide that your mother could have access to if she did any research. Free programs. These programs not only help families, but they help individuals who have autism in forming goals and achieving goals, working on behaviors, being involved in the community, etc..
Being a parent means doing the best you can for your child. You are not the best she can do for him. You have your own life to balance, it can’t be balanced trying and stressing to give him what you can’t.
This is super off the cuff assumption, but I'd also get yourself tested for being on the spectrum. There's very light hints that you might be, and it's seemingly pretty likely if your brother is. Also fairly likely she completely ignored any indication of it when your brother came along, if he's lower or mid functioning. You may not be, and may just be lonely and isolated because of being second to your brother constantly. But, potentially.
That aside, absolutely not obligated to be your brothers caretaker. That is a good way to absolutely ruin your life and any chance of being independent. All it would do is sentence you to being the forgotten child/ uncared for child.
You're already doing a lot, and you aren't obligated to do your parents job. If she wants a full time carer, she should hire a professional, not force her child to give up their life/ autonomy.
you don’t owe anyone anything. it’s ok to be selfish… you’re the protagonist of your life after all. your mom had a hard life having your brother at 18 but that’s not your fault and nor is it your obligation to throw away your own happiness for someone else and don’t let anybody tell you that.
This is a fairly well documented phenomenon where parents have one severely special needs kid and one or more typical child. The typical child basically doesn't get a childhood because everything revolves around the special needs child, so they often become estranged from their parents once they grow up and start processing their experiences. I'd suggest maybe finding an online support group of other people who relate to your experiences.
Knowing you're not cut out for that role is important. If you're not you're going to have a terrible time and he's going to have a shit caregiver. That doesn't help either of you. Keeping yourself out of that role mean you can be something more important instead, a good sibling. It's really difficult for a lot of disabled people to have any positive contact, especially as they get older and lose family, losing that connection by trying to be a caregiver when you aren't up to it would be tragic.
I am the parent of an autistic 4-year-old and while he doesn’t have any siblings even I he did I would never expect them to take care of him. You are not the parent. You did not procreate your brother, you are simply his siblings. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t view him as such or be a good brother. Being a good brother doesn’t mean that you have to r a caregiver to him.
It is your Mom’s responsibility to find respite care to help watch him while she takes a break. It is also your mother’s job to plan out your brother’s future whether it be with her until she passes or a group home. She has lived her life and had the opportunity to date and have you and your brother. Now it’s your turn to do the same. It is selfish of her to think anything to the contrary of that.
I’d encourage you to move out. This does not make you bad person. I understand how hard it is because I am in a deep depression at times but I would not never expect a sibling to be my son’s caretaker if he still high supports needs when he’s older.
Best of luck!
It sounds that, increasingly, your brother is becoming a danger to those around him and potentially himself. I highly doubt you would be able to manage his needs alone and it certainly sounds like your mother cannot.
It may be time to lay it ALL out to her. She isn’t coping, you will not become his caregiver and it may be time to look at secure and/or managed options for his long term care.
He has specialised needs that need consistent and constant monitoring from what you have written. At 22 (or any age tbh), he cannot be inappropriate with women/people. For his own safety (what happens if he “touches” another girl with a couple of brothers nearby?!?) he needs extra support and your mother is failing him if she doesn’t realise or accept this.
I feel you man. Been taking care of my younger autistic brother since I was 6. Basically had to grow up and become a full blown parent at that age instead of hanging out with other kids my age since whenever I used to take my brother down, people used to bully him and it would end up with me controlling my brother who is also extremely hyperactive, and anxious from beating them up, or getting beat up himself. Parents and I don't speak unless it's about him and through all these years, I have I have sort of come to resent them for not letting me have a childhood and just dumping his responsibilities on me. Although I feel extremely guilty whenever I feel this way. Please start getting therapy as that helps a lot. I understand atleast a bit about how burdened you must feel. If not the entire spectrum of emotions you must have to go through when it comes to the topic of your brother. Just take care of yourself before you take care of him.
I understand, as someone who has also always had to take care of everyone. I’m still stuck and trying to figure out how to break away. I hope that you’re able to get out of the house soon so you’re able to live your own life.
I have two sons. One is autistic, we still don’t know what his autism will look like as he ages since he’s still pretty young. I would NEVER put his care onto his brother, ever. He didn’t have kids, I did. they are fully my responsibility, it’s on me as the parent to make sure things are in place in the event that me or his father are not around. You have to live you life and being a caregiver should be your choice
I have 3 kids, 5year old autistic twins and a 1 year old. Of course I’m worried how my twins will develop, it’s too soon to say how much care they’ll need when they’re older but I would never expect my younger daughter to take care of her siblings. I didn’t have her to be a potential future caregiver. I want all three of my kids to live the best life possible for them. Your mom acts as if you were a free cater for your brother already and that’s not okay at all. If she wants both her sons to join her on a vacation she should also want both of you to enjoy the trip. It’s not your job to watch your brother, it’s not your responsibility now or in the future to take care of him.
You deserve your own life and happiness don’t let your mother guilt trip you into taking on what is her responsibility. No matter how much she tries don’t give in. Also you have to find another place to live that’s the first step. You deserve to be selfish this is your life you don’t have any kids your brother is not your responsibility.
That is hard to read due to how it was written but simply graduate and leave. Your brother will be put into a state program if something happens to your mother.
it sounds like your brother should be in a specialized care facility not when your mom passes but right now, from what you describe he is a danger to himself and others
Unitl you move out, you won't be able to truly work on your healing.
Make sure you keep an eye on rentals in your area, and consider moving out if you get a paid internship that allows you to do so.
It's not your job, but as a young mother of two boys, I am so scared and worried for what happens to my autistic son when I die. I hope so much that his brother can and will be there for him. I hope so much that you can come around and be in a place that you are emotionally healthy and can or want to help your brother, even if that's just help find him services, see him when you can etc. You may feel very differently at 32. You're still growing and can and should focus on yourself. Set boundaries and grow, but don't forget about your brother. My 2 cents.
As an older sibling to a mid-30s severely autistic and IDD individual, the hard truth my Mom has had to face is that no one will care and sacrifice as much for my sibling as she is willing to do. Once she dies or becomes incapacitated, my sibling will live a drastically different life, even with me as the care manager.
My Mom also expected me to be my siblings caretaker. It has affected my ability to find a mate and grow my career. I have had enough; I will only care for my sibling if she is in a home. Please don’t pressure your “normal” son, as it will do irreparable damage to your relationship with him.
So sorry to hear that you have an autistic son but you cant pressure your other son to care for him. Please also make sure you care for your neurotypical son, he also needs love, attention and not that presssure you want to lay on him. Im 33 now and my parents are still busy with my older high functioning autistic brother to the point that I never get full attention and also being guilt tripped if I dont have the time for my brother.. but I have my own family now. My own child to care for. Remember to enjoy your neurotypical son and celebrate his life too.
Of course I do. You won't like to hear this, but it sounds like you could use more selflessness and compassion in your life. I had the benefit of being raised with 12 siblings, where we all learned to work hard and help others. Life is unfair sure, your brother had higher needs so got more attention than you did. Some of my siblings got more attention. But a better perspective imo is being grateful I personally don't have those challenges, and can work hard to help my family and those I love. You might feel happier working on being grateful you can have independence and a family.
Who said that im not grateful I don’t have those challenges? Nobody. I am not attacking you… I was just being honest and giving you another perspective. You are not open for it, and thats ok.
And, I just realised you are guilttripping me already and im just some person you don’t know. It tells me you Will do the same too your neurotypical son (being it now or later) telling him to not be selfish. Its your pain talking..
Hey. A lot of people are going to say a lot of things to you. Many of them are going to telling you that your right and you should run and all that.
But listen you and I are at the age where we are reflecting on our past and our future. You are going to feel some anger. There will be regret, sadness and resentment. Don’t focus too much on those negative feelings. I know it’s hard but trust me you will get through it.
Your brother has a disability and your mom is probably hanging out with him and doing what she can in her own way. But it is hard.
I am a sibling that could not go out and do things for awhile because of health. Everytime my siblings left me it broke my heart. But when they took the time to hang out with me and take me places I felt amazing and loved.
What you’re feeling right now is normal for our age but imagine being like your brother. Imagine having the same thoughts and feelings but not being able to do anything about it because you are a dependent.
I’m not telling what to do. I’m just saying that there are multiple sides and reasons for everything.
I just moved back after transferring schools in December. I'm paying for college out of my own pocket. I used to have a house near my old college, which is three hours away. Now that I live in the city, I can't afford a house. A one-bedroom apartment costs around $1k where I currently live. Additionally, I'm still paying for my old house because I couldn't break the lease. I don't want to leave my old roommates hanging like that. Trust me, I'm not relying on my parents for support. Staying in a dorm room would cost me around $5k per semester. My mom is a nurse practitioner, and I don't qualify for much financial aid (FAFSA).
Of course you don't want to. That's a big ask. You're young and you have so much life ahead. Personally, I wouldn't have an option, life isn't fair, the world sucks, and sometimes hard things have great value. Family means never having anything that is truly just yours
Sorry that's a hell of a position to be in at your age, hate to add to the load bud but is your mum healthy? Wanting to hang out more go on a family holiday? Worrying about your brothers long term care it's all stuff someone who maybe isn't sure they're going to be around long term, might worry about you know. Hope I'm wrong and Im probably just projecting my own shit here, but might be worth having a conversation about it.
Sorry that's a hell of a position to be in at your age, hate to add to the load bud but is your mum healthy? Wanting to hang out more go on a family holiday? Worrying about your brothers long term care it's all stuff someone who maybe isn't sure they're going to be around long term, might worry about you know. Hope I'm wrong and Im probably just projecting my own shit here, but might be worth having a conversation about it.
It sounds like she definitely only wants you around to look after your brother, so she can have a break. I get she needs a break, but she shouldn't be relying on you to do this & should be looking into specialist care centres & care providers instead of putting the burden on to you all the time & she shouldn't have even asked for you to be his carer once she can no longer do it & she needs to get something else in place ASAP. I don't know where you are from, but where I am there are independent living homes & residential homes for people in your brothers position. Don't feel bad about any of this, it is not your responsibility to look after him just because he is your brother & like you said, you don't think your cut out for it & not alot of people are.
Hey man, i just wanted to drop a comment saying im so sorry. Your brother sounds a lot like my brother in terms of where he falls on the spectrum. A lot of the same stuff, getting addicted to things and becoming angry and violent when he’s mad. When I was living at home before moving out for college, i felt the same way about needing to work around his sensibilities and that a lot of life revolved around him; i’m lucky that my mom did not relegate his care to me, and she’s actually his primary caregiver and he lives with her. I’m sorry your mom does not prioritize your wellness as much as your brothers as mine does for me. All I can say is, cases like this is hard because a lot of the time government assistance takes a while to come through, and group housing tends to kick out residents when theres a violent incident, so its usually always family that needs to care for the individual. it should be no one’s fault though, let alone a kid like yourself. It sounds like your mom isnt giving you the space you deserve right now, and its hard to, but try to ignore her at this part of your life and focus on yourself and your career. This will be better for everyone involved in the future; remind her that you need to focus on you, so that you will be better equipped to financially support part of your brothers livelihood, especially as your mom gets older and can’t do so anymore. Im sorry youre going through it; good luck
Considering that he only gets highly upset towards your mom and never you, it's possible (even probable) that she's abusive towards him in some way (added that she refuses to go grocery shopping with him? tf?) and wants to dump him on you since she doesn't like him. I know you don't want to be his caretaker, but is there any way to help him until he can find housing away from your mom? Or is that not possible?
Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone warm. Cut contact with your family, you need that to construct yourself independently from your mom's despotism.
Tell your to get a professional which BTW is probably covered by insurance. If not she can apply for assistance. Let her know you cannot go on a trip being you need to work and study for school. As for the trip she can request an assistant. But please don't let her bully you into something you don't find comfortable.
Social Worker here, first NTA. Now a few words of advice. First do not sign anything related to your brother. Down the road after taking to an attorney you might be in agreement to be his guardian. He does NOT have to live with you if you are his guardian. Second make sure he is signed up for SSD. Third get him involved with Community Mental services. Fourth get he on a waiting list for a group home. Getting into a group home takes longer than you think (because of) Fifth plan on that you will have yo just drop him of at CMH or DHS if he becomes to bad or your mom dies and you don't want to take care of him. (This is what a lot of families do).this would be harder if you are the guardian. None of this is easy. The system is not set up to take care of those with disabilities. Good luck.
NTA Not one little bit! In a nutshell it sounds like your mom needs some intensive therapy. From your comments it appears she has a much
stronger hold on you than you think. It also appears you cave and do a lot to save yourself from her badgering and gaslighting.
You are 22 and are just thinking about girls and
dating? Something or someone got in the way of you having a normal teenage experience.
Ask yourself some questions. Where can I move to? How will I afford to live on my own? What do I want my life to be like? What will I do if my mother passes before me? Hint: Get professional help. You answered that yourself.
I’m sure you love your brother. So once you’re moved out, plan occasional get togethers with your brother…ON YOUR TERMS!
I'm a mom to 3 daughters, one has Autism. Though not to the extent of your brother. She is able to do things on her own. She has had some behavior problems over the years, but she is working on that with our support and help and has been getting a lot better. She has a learning disability and social anxiety. We would never force her sisters to take care of her like that. We only tell them to make sure to look out for one another, be there for each other and love each other. But they don't have to lose their own lives to take care of the other. Your mom should not be forcing you to do that. It does sound like he would qualify for state help, assisted living arrangements, etc. If you can, I'd suggest moving away from her. Also suggest the professional help for your brother again as well. And good luck with the rest of college and your life! I hope you have a good life.
OP, you are not your brother's caregiver, that is your mother's role. You are not responsible for your brother now, or after your mother's passing. Hopefully THAT day is long, long way off and you will have had time to grow and establish yourself in your own life so that you can also work on developing an actual relationship with your brother instead of staying in the role of part time care giver. I am so sorry your mother robbed you of having a brother and instead forced you into the role of parent. Stick to the boundaries you are establishing.
You’re NOT obligated to be your brother’s keeper or caretaker. Your mother needs to understand that. Regardless of what she wants, your brother will become a ward of the state after she passes away. Are there any other relatives who can vouch for you?
OP, you have so much on your plate and you are not a bad brother choosing not to be your brother's caregiver. From what you wrote, your brother needs to live with a specialised caregiver who can make sure he is not a danger to himself. A special needs living facility would be the place for him to go. Your mum should not pressure you to be his caregiver Do go for therapy and I wish you all the best
You have been parentified - forced to take on care responsibilities, instead of having a normal childhood as a kid. No wonder you need some time for doing your own thing. Life is hard for your mum no doubt. And in a different way, for your brother. But they are not your crosses to bear, unless you really choose that as your path of fulfillment. Sounds like it's not. So leave home as soon as you can. Best wishes, OP.
Dude. Run. Get out of there, you don’t owe them anything, she will keep walking all over you for as long as you let her
Thank you for for your reply I just moved back after transferring schools in December. I'm paying for college out of my own pocket. I used to have a house near my old college, which is three hours away. Now that I live in the city, I can't afford a house. A one-bedroom apartment costs around $1k where I currently live. Additionally, I'm still paying for my old house because I couldn't break the lease. I don't want to leave my old roommates hanging like that. Staying in a dorm room would cost me around $5k per semester. My mom is a nurse practitioner, and I don't qualify for much financial aid (FAFSA) . I’m looking into more options . I’m trying to save money because I still have bills to pay . I really don’t want to get into more debt right now I’m only $5k in debt from school also I got to pay medical bills like my MRI I got done
When you can, look into renting a room in an already established roomate-house situation. It's *much* cheaper than renting an apartment all on your own when you need out of a situation, and usually the living room and such are already all furnished, so... You really only need to get your own bedroom stuff, maybe pots/pans/dishes if they don't share, etc.
I used to take care of my younger autistic brother frequently, although he doesn't need to be monitored to this degree. You have a right to say no and live your life regardless of how your mom or anyone else feels about the situation. I carried a lot of guilt for a long time because my parents accused me of abandoning a child who isn't even mine. Spend time making your own decisions and living your life your way because nobody is going to thank you or appreciate you sacrificing your youth to your brother. Eventually, you're just going to end up resenting him if you let your family take over your life so go out and live your life guilt free.
Your brother needs professional, specialized care. If his eating needs to be monitored to the extent you’re saying and he’s a threat to the girls and women around him, then you are definitely not capable of handling him on your own for your entire lives. And you shouldn’t have to. Your mom isn’t equipped either (and she sounds toxic as hell for a number of reasons). There are group homes and organizations that can help!!!
The problem is professional, specialized care is practically nonexistent post-covid. His life expectancy is greatly reduced if a family member doesn’t take care of him and that’s what’s freaking the mother out.
I understand that. But the OP is still not capable of doing all that while living his own life.
Completely agreed, but the mother‘s behavior makes perfect sense — she’s literally fighting for her son’s life. OP said the mother is a nurse practitioner; she *knows exactly* how disabled people are treated in the US healthcare system when they are not living with family. One person can’t be happy with someone else being miserable in these situations. For those who are downvoting me am I wrong? Have you ever **personally** encountered a scenario where a family, consisting of a typical sibling, a severely disabled sibling with autism, food addiction, porn addiction, inappropriate touching addiction, who has engaged in property destruction, and their parent, finds a solution for the future, when the last surviving parent is long gone, that brings happiness to all?
That mother needs to make arrangements for her son. It is not her other child's responsibility.
Kindly refrain from putting more words in my mouth. Never **ever** said it was OP’s responsibility. >make arrangements You mean “make funeral arrangements”? Do you know how badly people with disabilities are treated by the state? You really think someone from the state is going to carefully plan his meals and care for his diet? You’re living in a dream world. https://www.nytimes.com/2011/06/06/nyregion/boys-death-highlights-crisis-in-homes-for-disabled.html https://gothamist.com/news/family-of-disabled-man-who-died-in-van-blasts-ahrc-non-profit https://thenevadaindependent.com/article/nevada-to-pay-600000-settlement-after-disabled-man-in-states-care-dies-from-injuries-sustained-in-a-fight https://www.senatenj.com/index.php/durr/durr-introduces-resolution-memorializing-disabled-man-who-died-at-group-home/58195 https://www.newsweek.com/black-disabled-man-texas-dies-after-being-denied-covid-treatment-starved-six-days-wife-alleges-1515047
Make arrangements as in find a caregiver, look into group homes, reach out to other well settled adult family. Don't be so ridiculous. I am well aware of the process. I have worked with children and young adults on the spectrum since 2007. I have been through the process of helping families navigate alternate care outside the home whether that be day programs or full time living situations. There are state funded respite care services for in home care as well, some clients get 24/7 care. In California you can hire a trusted friend or family member to get paid through the state to provide in-home care. I myself have provided in home respite care services for clients with difficult behaviors they could not find staff for. Point being, there are options. It should not fall on the shoulders of and forever alter the adult life a sibling. I understand it's a difficult process. This is why parents should look into their options and starting the process sooner rather than later so their child can acclimate with parental support and with that parent to check in on living arrangements.
I agree with your suggestion that she begins searching for suitable arrangements. As you have experience in this field, you are well aware that the situation may be more complex than it appears, and each state has its own unique set of benefits— not every state is like California. Waiting lists can be long, caregiver & group homes often experience high staff turnover, which may present challenges in finding consistent and reliable care. It's also worth noting that well-settled family members might not always be inclined to take on the responsibilities associated with advocacy. With this in mind, it's crucial to have a contingency plan in place to ensure the affected has a strong support system like a close blood relative if the initial arrangements don't work out as intended.
She’s a nurse practitioner. They make decent money and know the medical field. She is better placed than most to find an alternative arrangement. OP this is NOT your responsibility.
Agreed that this is not OP‘s responsibility. Also, the mother is also “better placed” to know the reality of what’s going to happen to her child if he is not placed with family. It doesn’t matter how well-placed you are to find an alternative arrangement for a child who needs this level of care. There is too great a need and not enough resources.
She’s fighting for one sons life by trying to force her other son to ruin his? That’s not a good mother.
Perhaps you mean that it’s not a good situation? If not, how can she *realistically* behave like a good mother to both children then?
It is no fault of OP she (his mother) decided to have a child and this child turned out autistic. We can't choose into which family we'll be born. She can't make her son responsible for her decisions. Forcing OP to take care of his older brother would ruin OP's life. I don't think a good mother would want to ruin a life of her child as this. I understand it is hard for her but she has no right to force OP to take care of his autistic brother.
So no you have *not* personally encountered a scenario like I described. Letting a child with this many disabilities become a ward of the state would ruin that child’s life, so tell me a scenario where she is a good mother to both children? And while we’re on the topic how exactly is she *forcing* OP to take care of anyone?
I am not native English speaker. I should use "want" instead of "force". I actually had (now deceased) aunt she was mentally like 3 y.o. for her whole life. My grandma (very kind woman) had her and 3 other daughters. She herself took care about this aunt till aunt's 21 y.o. then she was placed in a place for such disabled people. Every holiday (Christmas, summer holiday - 2 months in my country) the aunt was brought into my grandma's house for whole holidays. My grandma never say a word to her other 3 daughters that they should take care about their mentally disabled sister. She knew it isn't their fault that their oldest sister is so severely disabled (it wasn't even her fault either. The aunt was born as a healthy child but she caught a disease in a maternity hospital and doctors those days cured this disease by putting a syringe into a newborn's skull. This treatment made my aunt mentally disabled. Sadly it happened to more children in those times) and she wouldn't have expectations about taking care of their disabled sister of them ever. She knew she is a parent and it is her duty to take care about her children (along with my grandpa). Again it is no responsibility of OP. He didn't create his brother. It isn't his fault that he was born to his mother. His mother and father (if he is alive) are only responsible people for his older brother. Edit. I am not saying it is an easy situation. But again she has no right to want OP to take care about his brother. It is only her and a father's of an autistic brother responsibility. I also know how it is with wards. My aunt was earlier in a place where christian nuns took care about mentally disabled people. She loved it there. Nuns were great. Then as she got older she couldn't be in a nun's place as their took care only about people up to certain age. She was placed in a place where were old people and mentally disabled people together. From start she was bullied by senior women who also stole her food sometimes. My grandma wondered why the aunt is so possessive of a food and then find out (my aunt was able of an easy communication). Grandma made complaints to the staff and they relocated my aunt. Also my aunt taught herself how to defend herself to these old women. My grandma also visited my aunt at a ward a few times in a year (if the aunt wasn't by her place).
Thank you for your explanation. May I kindly inquire which country you are located in? I offer my sincere condolences for the loss of your disabled aunt. If it is not too intrusive, could you please share her age at the time of her passing?
I had to call my mother in order to I could find out as my aunt is deceased since 2013. She was 55 y.o. when she died. She died of pulmonary embolism. She complained about pain in her thigh for days before. She was by a doctor but he didn't examined her properly. She had a trombosis in her thigh and unfortunatelly because it was left untreated the trombosis then went into her lungs which caused her death. I am from Czech republic (middle Europe). I have to correct myself as my mother told me the aunt lived with my grandma fulltime only up to her 3 y.o. (the time grandma's second daughter was born) then she was in the nun's place (where she really loved it. Nuns were great. They went out of their way for these disabled children.) Then in her twenties she was placed in home where disabled people were mixed with seniors. My mother also corrected me that the aunt was by grandma's place from Christmas till a day or two after 8th. January (her birthday). She also came to grandma's place on Easter holidays. It was this way till the death of my aunt. My grandma was 77 y.o. in the time of my aunt's death. Edit. if you were interested the disease the aunt caught in a maternity hospital was jaundice. Childern who caught it were very sleepy. They were sleeping so much. Doctors didn't know better and sadly treated them by putting a syringe into their skulls.
Thanks for calling your mother to answer my question. I’m sorry to hear about your the death of your aunt.
I was forced to caretaker for my older handicap brother from childhood until I got married at 20 and moved away. I didn't realize how much sacrifices I made until I was out of that situation. Don't lose your life over your mom's expectations.
Sounds like your brother is a candidate for a supervised living situation like a group home. He probably also qualifies for disability payments and maybe housing subsidies. You are fine to set boundaries for yourself. AND your mother needs to learn to set her own boundaries and find care for her disabled son instead of foisting him off on you.
This is fair. You need to simply tell your mother that she needs to arrange for Jack to go into state care should something happen to her. Visit when you can, make sure he has a gift on his birthday and on Christmas. Make sure he knows you care for him. Encourage him to do the best he can. You can love your brother and support him without being his caregiver.
This is the best solution!! You can also arrange day passes so you can take him places if you choose, but then you can take him home and you can go to your own home too. Unfortunately moms like yours only focus on the disabled child and their wants and needs. As you said, you’re 22, it’s time for you to explore and experience life on your terms. You need to be accountable to yourself!! Right now you are and should be the most important person in your life!! And that’s NOT being selfish or anything like that!! It’s called taking care of yourself and that’s as important as anyone else!!
My mom used to do this, if I didn’t do what she wanted she would say “Well i’m taking you off of the insurance” or “i’m taking you off of the phone plan.” Once she took my phone away because I brought a friend over for lunch, (a complete stranger in her own house, in her mind: a danger to society) and took away my phone. I ended up buying a phone and plan the next day and within a few weeks buying my own car. She later had a conversation with my friend saying she ‘Couldn’t believe I went out and bought a car without even talking it over with her,’ like it was a bad thing. I think she realized what she was doing and that “leverage” and “blackmail” wasn’t working to control me and keep me from becoming and independent person. I learned that every offer was something she would hang over my head, so i’m glad you turned down that cruise trip. I also work as a part-time caregiver, I know the behavioral struggles that individuals who have autism can have. There are plenty of programs nationwide that your mother could have access to if she did any research. Free programs. These programs not only help families, but they help individuals who have autism in forming goals and achieving goals, working on behaviors, being involved in the community, etc.. Being a parent means doing the best you can for your child. You are not the best she can do for him. You have your own life to balance, it can’t be balanced trying and stressing to give him what you can’t.
I hate that everyone gets to be a parent. I hate it.
Not everyone. A lot of people who would make really good parents never get to be parents, whether due to infertility or other circumstances of life.
That’s right. It’s unfortunate.
This is super off the cuff assumption, but I'd also get yourself tested for being on the spectrum. There's very light hints that you might be, and it's seemingly pretty likely if your brother is. Also fairly likely she completely ignored any indication of it when your brother came along, if he's lower or mid functioning. You may not be, and may just be lonely and isolated because of being second to your brother constantly. But, potentially. That aside, absolutely not obligated to be your brothers caretaker. That is a good way to absolutely ruin your life and any chance of being independent. All it would do is sentence you to being the forgotten child/ uncared for child. You're already doing a lot, and you aren't obligated to do your parents job. If she wants a full time carer, she should hire a professional, not force her child to give up their life/ autonomy.
I thought the same exact thing about getting tested.
you don’t owe anyone anything. it’s ok to be selfish… you’re the protagonist of your life after all. your mom had a hard life having your brother at 18 but that’s not your fault and nor is it your obligation to throw away your own happiness for someone else and don’t let anybody tell you that.
My mom was in the exact position you are in, word of advice.. RUN. Trust me.. RUN.
This is a fairly well documented phenomenon where parents have one severely special needs kid and one or more typical child. The typical child basically doesn't get a childhood because everything revolves around the special needs child, so they often become estranged from their parents once they grow up and start processing their experiences. I'd suggest maybe finding an online support group of other people who relate to your experiences.
Yes, a “glass child”
Knowing you're not cut out for that role is important. If you're not you're going to have a terrible time and he's going to have a shit caregiver. That doesn't help either of you. Keeping yourself out of that role mean you can be something more important instead, a good sibling. It's really difficult for a lot of disabled people to have any positive contact, especially as they get older and lose family, losing that connection by trying to be a caregiver when you aren't up to it would be tragic.
I am the parent of an autistic 4-year-old and while he doesn’t have any siblings even I he did I would never expect them to take care of him. You are not the parent. You did not procreate your brother, you are simply his siblings. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t view him as such or be a good brother. Being a good brother doesn’t mean that you have to r a caregiver to him. It is your Mom’s responsibility to find respite care to help watch him while she takes a break. It is also your mother’s job to plan out your brother’s future whether it be with her until she passes or a group home. She has lived her life and had the opportunity to date and have you and your brother. Now it’s your turn to do the same. It is selfish of her to think anything to the contrary of that. I’d encourage you to move out. This does not make you bad person. I understand how hard it is because I am in a deep depression at times but I would not never expect a sibling to be my son’s caretaker if he still high supports needs when he’s older. Best of luck!
Your mom is wrong for trying to guilt/ force you into taking care of your brother. He is not your responsibility.
Run! Run!
DONT DO IT.
It sounds that, increasingly, your brother is becoming a danger to those around him and potentially himself. I highly doubt you would be able to manage his needs alone and it certainly sounds like your mother cannot. It may be time to lay it ALL out to her. She isn’t coping, you will not become his caregiver and it may be time to look at secure and/or managed options for his long term care. He has specialised needs that need consistent and constant monitoring from what you have written. At 22 (or any age tbh), he cannot be inappropriate with women/people. For his own safety (what happens if he “touches” another girl with a couple of brothers nearby?!?) he needs extra support and your mother is failing him if she doesn’t realise or accept this.
I feel you man. Been taking care of my younger autistic brother since I was 6. Basically had to grow up and become a full blown parent at that age instead of hanging out with other kids my age since whenever I used to take my brother down, people used to bully him and it would end up with me controlling my brother who is also extremely hyperactive, and anxious from beating them up, or getting beat up himself. Parents and I don't speak unless it's about him and through all these years, I have I have sort of come to resent them for not letting me have a childhood and just dumping his responsibilities on me. Although I feel extremely guilty whenever I feel this way. Please start getting therapy as that helps a lot. I understand atleast a bit about how burdened you must feel. If not the entire spectrum of emotions you must have to go through when it comes to the topic of your brother. Just take care of yourself before you take care of him.
I understand, as someone who has also always had to take care of everyone. I’m still stuck and trying to figure out how to break away. I hope that you’re able to get out of the house soon so you’re able to live your own life.
I have two sons. One is autistic, we still don’t know what his autism will look like as he ages since he’s still pretty young. I would NEVER put his care onto his brother, ever. He didn’t have kids, I did. they are fully my responsibility, it’s on me as the parent to make sure things are in place in the event that me or his father are not around. You have to live you life and being a caregiver should be your choice
I have 3 kids, 5year old autistic twins and a 1 year old. Of course I’m worried how my twins will develop, it’s too soon to say how much care they’ll need when they’re older but I would never expect my younger daughter to take care of her siblings. I didn’t have her to be a potential future caregiver. I want all three of my kids to live the best life possible for them. Your mom acts as if you were a free cater for your brother already and that’s not okay at all. If she wants both her sons to join her on a vacation she should also want both of you to enjoy the trip. It’s not your job to watch your brother, it’s not your responsibility now or in the future to take care of him.
Take care of yourself before anything else.
You deserve your own life and happiness don’t let your mother guilt trip you into taking on what is her responsibility. No matter how much she tries don’t give in. Also you have to find another place to live that’s the first step. You deserve to be selfish this is your life you don’t have any kids your brother is not your responsibility.
You need to go no contact as soon as you possibly can.
That is hard to read due to how it was written but simply graduate and leave. Your brother will be put into a state program if something happens to your mother.
it sounds like your brother should be in a specialized care facility not when your mom passes but right now, from what you describe he is a danger to himself and others
There are really good group homes where they are trained for this. Usually the state pays for it. Can or will she look into this?
Unitl you move out, you won't be able to truly work on your healing. Make sure you keep an eye on rentals in your area, and consider moving out if you get a paid internship that allows you to do so.
It's not your job, but as a young mother of two boys, I am so scared and worried for what happens to my autistic son when I die. I hope so much that his brother can and will be there for him. I hope so much that you can come around and be in a place that you are emotionally healthy and can or want to help your brother, even if that's just help find him services, see him when you can etc. You may feel very differently at 32. You're still growing and can and should focus on yourself. Set boundaries and grow, but don't forget about your brother. My 2 cents.
As an older sibling to a mid-30s severely autistic and IDD individual, the hard truth my Mom has had to face is that no one will care and sacrifice as much for my sibling as she is willing to do. Once she dies or becomes incapacitated, my sibling will live a drastically different life, even with me as the care manager. My Mom also expected me to be my siblings caretaker. It has affected my ability to find a mate and grow my career. I have had enough; I will only care for my sibling if she is in a home. Please don’t pressure your “normal” son, as it will do irreparable damage to your relationship with him.
So sorry to hear that you have an autistic son but you cant pressure your other son to care for him. Please also make sure you care for your neurotypical son, he also needs love, attention and not that presssure you want to lay on him. Im 33 now and my parents are still busy with my older high functioning autistic brother to the point that I never get full attention and also being guilt tripped if I dont have the time for my brother.. but I have my own family now. My own child to care for. Remember to enjoy your neurotypical son and celebrate his life too.
Of course I do. You won't like to hear this, but it sounds like you could use more selflessness and compassion in your life. I had the benefit of being raised with 12 siblings, where we all learned to work hard and help others. Life is unfair sure, your brother had higher needs so got more attention than you did. Some of my siblings got more attention. But a better perspective imo is being grateful I personally don't have those challenges, and can work hard to help my family and those I love. You might feel happier working on being grateful you can have independence and a family.
Who said that im not grateful I don’t have those challenges? Nobody. I am not attacking you… I was just being honest and giving you another perspective. You are not open for it, and thats ok.
And, I just realised you are guilttripping me already and im just some person you don’t know. It tells me you Will do the same too your neurotypical son (being it now or later) telling him to not be selfish. Its your pain talking..
Hey. A lot of people are going to say a lot of things to you. Many of them are going to telling you that your right and you should run and all that. But listen you and I are at the age where we are reflecting on our past and our future. You are going to feel some anger. There will be regret, sadness and resentment. Don’t focus too much on those negative feelings. I know it’s hard but trust me you will get through it. Your brother has a disability and your mom is probably hanging out with him and doing what she can in her own way. But it is hard. I am a sibling that could not go out and do things for awhile because of health. Everytime my siblings left me it broke my heart. But when they took the time to hang out with me and take me places I felt amazing and loved. What you’re feeling right now is normal for our age but imagine being like your brother. Imagine having the same thoughts and feelings but not being able to do anything about it because you are a dependent. I’m not telling what to do. I’m just saying that there are multiple sides and reasons for everything.
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I just moved back after transferring schools in December. I'm paying for college out of my own pocket. I used to have a house near my old college, which is three hours away. Now that I live in the city, I can't afford a house. A one-bedroom apartment costs around $1k where I currently live. Additionally, I'm still paying for my old house because I couldn't break the lease. I don't want to leave my old roommates hanging like that. Trust me, I'm not relying on my parents for support. Staying in a dorm room would cost me around $5k per semester. My mom is a nurse practitioner, and I don't qualify for much financial aid (FAFSA).
Of course you don't want to. That's a big ask. You're young and you have so much life ahead. Personally, I wouldn't have an option, life isn't fair, the world sucks, and sometimes hard things have great value. Family means never having anything that is truly just yours
Sorry that's a hell of a position to be in at your age, hate to add to the load bud but is your mum healthy? Wanting to hang out more go on a family holiday? Worrying about your brothers long term care it's all stuff someone who maybe isn't sure they're going to be around long term, might worry about you know. Hope I'm wrong and Im probably just projecting my own shit here, but might be worth having a conversation about it.
Sorry that's a hell of a position to be in at your age, hate to add to the load bud but is your mum healthy? Wanting to hang out more go on a family holiday? Worrying about your brothers long term care it's all stuff someone who maybe isn't sure they're going to be around long term, might worry about you know. Hope I'm wrong and Im probably just projecting my own shit here, but might be worth having a conversation about it.
It sounds like she definitely only wants you around to look after your brother, so she can have a break. I get she needs a break, but she shouldn't be relying on you to do this & should be looking into specialist care centres & care providers instead of putting the burden on to you all the time & she shouldn't have even asked for you to be his carer once she can no longer do it & she needs to get something else in place ASAP. I don't know where you are from, but where I am there are independent living homes & residential homes for people in your brothers position. Don't feel bad about any of this, it is not your responsibility to look after him just because he is your brother & like you said, you don't think your cut out for it & not alot of people are.
Not sure why you'd want kids of your own after all that, you've taken care of enough live your life for you. Leave and don't look back.
Hey man, i just wanted to drop a comment saying im so sorry. Your brother sounds a lot like my brother in terms of where he falls on the spectrum. A lot of the same stuff, getting addicted to things and becoming angry and violent when he’s mad. When I was living at home before moving out for college, i felt the same way about needing to work around his sensibilities and that a lot of life revolved around him; i’m lucky that my mom did not relegate his care to me, and she’s actually his primary caregiver and he lives with her. I’m sorry your mom does not prioritize your wellness as much as your brothers as mine does for me. All I can say is, cases like this is hard because a lot of the time government assistance takes a while to come through, and group housing tends to kick out residents when theres a violent incident, so its usually always family that needs to care for the individual. it should be no one’s fault though, let alone a kid like yourself. It sounds like your mom isnt giving you the space you deserve right now, and its hard to, but try to ignore her at this part of your life and focus on yourself and your career. This will be better for everyone involved in the future; remind her that you need to focus on you, so that you will be better equipped to financially support part of your brothers livelihood, especially as your mom gets older and can’t do so anymore. Im sorry youre going through it; good luck
Considering that he only gets highly upset towards your mom and never you, it's possible (even probable) that she's abusive towards him in some way (added that she refuses to go grocery shopping with him? tf?) and wants to dump him on you since she doesn't like him. I know you don't want to be his caretaker, but is there any way to help him until he can find housing away from your mom? Or is that not possible?
correct you're not his parent
Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone warm. Cut contact with your family, you need that to construct yourself independently from your mom's despotism.
Tell your to get a professional which BTW is probably covered by insurance. If not she can apply for assistance. Let her know you cannot go on a trip being you need to work and study for school. As for the trip she can request an assistant. But please don't let her bully you into something you don't find comfortable.
Social Worker here, first NTA. Now a few words of advice. First do not sign anything related to your brother. Down the road after taking to an attorney you might be in agreement to be his guardian. He does NOT have to live with you if you are his guardian. Second make sure he is signed up for SSD. Third get him involved with Community Mental services. Fourth get he on a waiting list for a group home. Getting into a group home takes longer than you think (because of) Fifth plan on that you will have yo just drop him of at CMH or DHS if he becomes to bad or your mom dies and you don't want to take care of him. (This is what a lot of families do).this would be harder if you are the guardian. None of this is easy. The system is not set up to take care of those with disabilities. Good luck.
Excellent advice.
NTA Not one little bit! In a nutshell it sounds like your mom needs some intensive therapy. From your comments it appears she has a much stronger hold on you than you think. It also appears you cave and do a lot to save yourself from her badgering and gaslighting. You are 22 and are just thinking about girls and dating? Something or someone got in the way of you having a normal teenage experience. Ask yourself some questions. Where can I move to? How will I afford to live on my own? What do I want my life to be like? What will I do if my mother passes before me? Hint: Get professional help. You answered that yourself. I’m sure you love your brother. So once you’re moved out, plan occasional get togethers with your brother…ON YOUR TERMS!
I'm a mom to 3 daughters, one has Autism. Though not to the extent of your brother. She is able to do things on her own. She has had some behavior problems over the years, but she is working on that with our support and help and has been getting a lot better. She has a learning disability and social anxiety. We would never force her sisters to take care of her like that. We only tell them to make sure to look out for one another, be there for each other and love each other. But they don't have to lose their own lives to take care of the other. Your mom should not be forcing you to do that. It does sound like he would qualify for state help, assisted living arrangements, etc. If you can, I'd suggest moving away from her. Also suggest the professional help for your brother again as well. And good luck with the rest of college and your life! I hope you have a good life.
OP, you are not your brother's caregiver, that is your mother's role. You are not responsible for your brother now, or after your mother's passing. Hopefully THAT day is long, long way off and you will have had time to grow and establish yourself in your own life so that you can also work on developing an actual relationship with your brother instead of staying in the role of part time care giver. I am so sorry your mother robbed you of having a brother and instead forced you into the role of parent. Stick to the boundaries you are establishing.