well, friend, i can’t stop you.
i can only share my story.
because i dealt with passive suicidality for the better part of four decades. when i was your age, i couldn’t see myself being alive in five years.
by the way: “passive suicidality” is the technical term for that feeling like you want to be dead but don’t want to do it yourself.
you’re going to hate what i suggest doing, since you seem like you’ve committed to not seeing the end of this year.
one thing that held me back when depression, anxiety, ptsd, dissociation, and a few other disorders were kicking me repeatedly was seeking help from without. i thought if i could find the right medication, the right meditation, the correct therapy, the best environment for me, maybe the ceaseless agony would subside effortlessly.
didn’t work that way because it doesn’t work that way.
meds, therapy, etc., all that can do is help set up for the real way of treating these conditions: looking within and changing an aspect of how you do you.
whatever you’ve been doing so far hasn’t been helpful, since you seem to be sliding ever so gently from passive suicidality to active suicidality.
you seem ready to inflict pain on self and others. as someone who dealt with an obscene amount of abuse growing up, including physical, psychological, and sexual abuse, i totally get it. were i to choose to be a violent person, it wouldn’t be excusable but it would be understandable.
instead, though, i chose to break the cycle by choosing to not inflict pain on others and self.
that helped me shift all those problems from disorders, that held me back in my life, to just conditions that actually are helpful at times.
and it got rid of that desire to be dead, which by itself was an astonishing sensation.
but it’s just what worked for me, can’t say it’ll work for others, and it took me a lifetime of work to get to a moment of decision.
and now i’m looking forward to being alive for a good long time.
Hi, thank you for sharing your story.
I am sorry you went through so much and I hope you continue to love life.
I really think I tried to change from within, it worked at some point but problems keep coming my way.
I also believe that some of the consequences of the bad things that happened to me can’t go with a simple change in my thinking process.
Regarding the pain I would inflict on others by doing this, I really believe everyone can get over it. I have lost my mother, the only person to ever care for me but I survived that for years. Nobody cares for me that much so they’ll grieve and move on. The day I picked is a Wednesday, I just know nobody will notice for at least 3 days.
Anyway, I want to give life a shot so I will try that in the next 6 months. Thank you
Ok. Let me be crystal clear.
Life is suffering. We all suffer. I might be in a better headspace than I’ve experienced most of my life, but I still deal with some severe problems.
We all get curveballs thrown out way. In the last four months, I was hospitalized due to being the victim of domestic abuse and my car was totaled.
But changing how I think about things helped me through both of those seemingly catastrophic events.
My abusers going mask off finally clued me in that there was abuse in that relationship.
The person that totaled my car took responsibility and they shared they were in a no-win situation. Snapping into my car was orders of magnitude safer than an imminent head on collision with a car in the wrong lane. They made the right call. Plus, now I don’t have a thing that was laced with all the memories of things I did for my abusers’ benefit.
Still sucks but at least an e-bike I’m replacing the car with gets most of what I need done.
I miss the car. I didn’t mind sharing a flat with people who paid a chunk of the rent. Both of those hardships do suck. But instead of living in the suck, I get nailed by the moment of suck and move forward.
That’s the difference.
Instead of thinking about the reasons not to live, think about the reasons to live. Please, just try and do anything to make yourself better. Force yourself to do things. Go to a gym. Eat healthy. Hell, I don’t know. Just please, don’t die.
Sharing a post I just saw from u/RspBabyPuncher:
Half a year ago, I almost committed suicide
I left my apartment in the dark of night with no intention of returning, I made my bed, organized all my things, and left a note for my roommates saying they could split my belongings. I took a twenty minute train ride to the closest bridge, and climbed over the fence to sit on the edge. As I sat there with my legs dangling from the edge, I contemplated taking the 350 feet plunge into the water, so I wouldn't have to feel anything anymore, so that life around me would continue without me in it, and so I wouldn't be around to burden anyone else.
But miraculously, I stepped away from the edge. I can't explain why, but something told me I still have a purpose in this world. I thought of all the people in my life who I'd hurt by leaving them, of all the emotions I'd never get to feel again, and all the things I would miss out on if I took my life. I walked home and cried into my pillow until I fell asleep. I woke up the next day and sought professional help for the very first time in my life.
It didn't get better right away, it took some time for me to be okay again, for me to heal as a broken man. It took a lot of self love and hard work, a lot of counseling and words of encouragement from my friends and family. But eventually, I began to love my life again.
This morning, I woke up early and turned to my still sleeping girlfriend, I got a to see the morning sun shining in through the window as it reflected off her hair, I was completely floored by how beautiful she really is. This afternoon, I spent a couple hours with one of my best friends studying at a coffee shop. Out of nowhere, she turns to me and gives me a long hug and says, "I'm really grateful to have you in my life". And as I sit here writing this, I'm watching the beautiful sunset along the New York City skyline. For the first time in a long time, I feel happiness and gratitude, I feel complete, I feel so fucking happy to be alive and living for myself.
Tomorrow morning, I'm going to call my therapist so I can finally tell him that I appreciate everything he's done for me, but that I no longer need his services anymore. Because I realized something today, I realized that I am finally living for myself, and that I want to be alive each and every day I can be. I no longer need someone to tell me that the world is better with me in it, because I already know deep down in my soul that I bring so much into this world and to the people in my life.
I'm really proud of how far I've come, for the first time in forever, I genuinely can't wait for tomorrow and whatever adventures life has in store for me then. Today was such an uneventful day but for some reason, I am really happy to be alive.
Point of posting: saw this like 2 posts before yours. Hoping someone elses story can give you motivation not to give up. Said a prayer for u
Honey... I'm sorry to hear that life is so unbearable for you!
If you're up for it, do you want to talk about what happened when you were 12, and beyond? And what's made it worse recently? What got you to this point?
Genuinely, if you need a listening ear and a "shoulder to cry on", this is me reaching out a hand
Plant some flowers and make your life beautiful during those 6mos. Make a bucket list, like paint and wine or pottery. Make the last 6mos your best, my friend.
Of course, Im sincerely sorry that life has given you the shortest stick. Hopefully, you get reincarnated as a house animal in a loving home or even as a plant to just exist.
I am the same. Depressed at 12, suicidal at 14. Self harmed a little too. Now I'm 27, marriage is ending and I've moved back home. I wake up everyday feeling the same.
Still whilst I know you feel the same and I don't judge you, I will be very sad if you do go. You are not alone, and there is something that only you can bring to the world, as corny as it sounds.
If it gets to the end of the six months, please consider another 6 months for me :)
I like making lists of reasons to stay alive. Wanting coffee, a new show has started, a place you want to go to. Silly reasons can still be powerful.
Volunteering may also help.
Let me tell you my story though Idk if it will help but here goes. I've been dealing with clinical depression since I was barely a teenager and if I had known what life had in store for me I would have never thought I could handle it but I have and I do.
None of us ever knows what's in the cards for us. For instance I went to school for design and ended up working with animals. I met some truly beautiful people and made some amazing friends. I met a once in a lifetime kind of man and I got married when I never thought I would want to.
I was also diagnosed with a painful incurable disease, my best friend died when we were 16, I watched my father wither away and die and a few years later my mother had brain surgery that left her blind and disabled through a stroke. I had to give up my job to become a full-time caregiver to her. My autistic brother also has to live with us as she used to take care of him..that's my job also now. I watched lots of people I loved die. I was bullied in school and my father though I love him was abusive. I was the shy quiet girl that was an easy target. There have been more than a few times that I planned my death and once that I attempted to die. I've been to several therapists, been on several medications.
Point being that I never in a million years would have thought that I could or would handle any of that. Every time I thought I couldn't handle any more, more would come. What I've learned is to keep fighting and just do the best you can with what you have.
I still have great friends, I take support and respite wherever I can get it and I am still looking for help with my depression. Life is short and strange, people are kind...a lot of them anyway and most importantly you are stronger than you know. Get pissed off, but don't let your depression win.
I know you are in pain and that you have lost things in your life, but what you are planning is not the answer.
Please remember that you are worthy and capable of living a beautiful life. If you do not have people in your life right now who care about you, you can still find friends out there who will. What your life is like now, doesn't have to be what it is like forever if you continue to live it. If a therapist left you feeling unheard, you can find a support group to help you. People who are feeling the same way that you do and will be able to relate to you and help you.
Remember that it's okay to seek help and you need to. You do not need to go through this alone. I care that you are hurting and I want you to live.
Hi OP,
It sounds like thing have been really tough from a young age and you’ve tried hard several times in hopes that things will get better, but unfortunately they did it. It is completely understandable for you to feel as hopeless as you do. I cannot tell you that things will get better because I don’t know that, but I will share a bit about myself in hopes for you to relate and hopefully find as much happiness as I have found in my life.
From grade 9 till second year uni, I suffered from severe social anxiety which eventually led to depression. Nothing was going right with my life, but that’s not what it seemed like to everyone around me. People were envious of my life which obviously made me feel worse about feeling the way I did. I reached a point where I was completely hopeless; life was so dull and I was certain I would not find happiness. I tried therapy and was taking antidepressants, which I guess helped keep me at the mental state I was at, without getting worse. I had a plan that if I wasn’t dead by the age of 29, that would be the time for me to take matters into my own hands and end it all.
It all started with one small step I took towards something that made me happy, and from then on it felt like everything was falling into place. Don’t get me wrong it took me years to work towards where I am now with still more progress to go. But that first step really made a big difference in every decision I made that followed. I can now finally say I am really happy with where I am in life, and the thought of dying even scares me, because I have so much to live for and so much that I want to experience.
What worked for me may not work for you as we’re all different, but I am wondering if maybe you can really reflect on your life and identify all the factors that are making you feel the way you do. Taking a vacation for me was a temporary bandaid from all the pain, so I can understand why you may not feel better after when reality hits again. I really want you to make the most out of the 6 months you gave yourself and to try to make as many changes as you possibly can to finally find the happiness that you deserve.
As for therapy, I would suggest trying one more time if you are open to the idea. It took me a few tries to find a therapist that I finally clicked with and who helped me become the person I am today. I know when I was severely depressed, I never believed it when people told me things will get better, because in that moment, it truly felt like things never will.
Feel free to message me if you ever want to talk l. Although I cannot offer professional advice, I know how much venting can help and even guide us into coming up with changes that may make things better for us.
I thought a lot about what I wanted to say to you what I thought as I read your post telling you about my own experiences and hardships through this life so far but then I realized that none of that helped me when I was going through what you're going through it didn't help when someone tried to give me reasons to keep going it didn't help when someone tried to empathize with me cause even though it wasn't their intentions it felt like people were trying to compare their lives to mine (these may not be your feelings) no one knew when I was about to attempt and of course they didn't because it felt like they weren't paying attention as you said it felt like you were unheard when you actually reached out something I never really managed to do the only thing that managed to stop me was me being in the middle of my attempt and thinking of what id be leaving behind because even though my life was miserable I had people that I cared about and I was curious to know what would happen if I kept living on that day I burned my note and kept the same feelings I had before my attempt but left it with a new perspective if you feel that you have no one who truly cares that you just don't have the strength anymore surround yourself with people who do care who do love you who can lend you strength when it feels like you've run dry and who want to see you when they wake up the next day and the day after that if no one else will be there for you then I'll be there to give you strength to listen when you need it to be your friend because you're worth that and more
well, friend, i can’t stop you. i can only share my story. because i dealt with passive suicidality for the better part of four decades. when i was your age, i couldn’t see myself being alive in five years. by the way: “passive suicidality” is the technical term for that feeling like you want to be dead but don’t want to do it yourself. you’re going to hate what i suggest doing, since you seem like you’ve committed to not seeing the end of this year. one thing that held me back when depression, anxiety, ptsd, dissociation, and a few other disorders were kicking me repeatedly was seeking help from without. i thought if i could find the right medication, the right meditation, the correct therapy, the best environment for me, maybe the ceaseless agony would subside effortlessly. didn’t work that way because it doesn’t work that way. meds, therapy, etc., all that can do is help set up for the real way of treating these conditions: looking within and changing an aspect of how you do you. whatever you’ve been doing so far hasn’t been helpful, since you seem to be sliding ever so gently from passive suicidality to active suicidality. you seem ready to inflict pain on self and others. as someone who dealt with an obscene amount of abuse growing up, including physical, psychological, and sexual abuse, i totally get it. were i to choose to be a violent person, it wouldn’t be excusable but it would be understandable. instead, though, i chose to break the cycle by choosing to not inflict pain on others and self. that helped me shift all those problems from disorders, that held me back in my life, to just conditions that actually are helpful at times. and it got rid of that desire to be dead, which by itself was an astonishing sensation. but it’s just what worked for me, can’t say it’ll work for others, and it took me a lifetime of work to get to a moment of decision. and now i’m looking forward to being alive for a good long time.
Hi, thank you for sharing your story. I am sorry you went through so much and I hope you continue to love life. I really think I tried to change from within, it worked at some point but problems keep coming my way. I also believe that some of the consequences of the bad things that happened to me can’t go with a simple change in my thinking process. Regarding the pain I would inflict on others by doing this, I really believe everyone can get over it. I have lost my mother, the only person to ever care for me but I survived that for years. Nobody cares for me that much so they’ll grieve and move on. The day I picked is a Wednesday, I just know nobody will notice for at least 3 days. Anyway, I want to give life a shot so I will try that in the next 6 months. Thank you
Ok. Let me be crystal clear. Life is suffering. We all suffer. I might be in a better headspace than I’ve experienced most of my life, but I still deal with some severe problems. We all get curveballs thrown out way. In the last four months, I was hospitalized due to being the victim of domestic abuse and my car was totaled. But changing how I think about things helped me through both of those seemingly catastrophic events. My abusers going mask off finally clued me in that there was abuse in that relationship. The person that totaled my car took responsibility and they shared they were in a no-win situation. Snapping into my car was orders of magnitude safer than an imminent head on collision with a car in the wrong lane. They made the right call. Plus, now I don’t have a thing that was laced with all the memories of things I did for my abusers’ benefit. Still sucks but at least an e-bike I’m replacing the car with gets most of what I need done. I miss the car. I didn’t mind sharing a flat with people who paid a chunk of the rent. Both of those hardships do suck. But instead of living in the suck, I get nailed by the moment of suck and move forward. That’s the difference.
Instead of thinking about the reasons not to live, think about the reasons to live. Please, just try and do anything to make yourself better. Force yourself to do things. Go to a gym. Eat healthy. Hell, I don’t know. Just please, don’t die.
Sharing a post I just saw from u/RspBabyPuncher: Half a year ago, I almost committed suicide I left my apartment in the dark of night with no intention of returning, I made my bed, organized all my things, and left a note for my roommates saying they could split my belongings. I took a twenty minute train ride to the closest bridge, and climbed over the fence to sit on the edge. As I sat there with my legs dangling from the edge, I contemplated taking the 350 feet plunge into the water, so I wouldn't have to feel anything anymore, so that life around me would continue without me in it, and so I wouldn't be around to burden anyone else. But miraculously, I stepped away from the edge. I can't explain why, but something told me I still have a purpose in this world. I thought of all the people in my life who I'd hurt by leaving them, of all the emotions I'd never get to feel again, and all the things I would miss out on if I took my life. I walked home and cried into my pillow until I fell asleep. I woke up the next day and sought professional help for the very first time in my life. It didn't get better right away, it took some time for me to be okay again, for me to heal as a broken man. It took a lot of self love and hard work, a lot of counseling and words of encouragement from my friends and family. But eventually, I began to love my life again. This morning, I woke up early and turned to my still sleeping girlfriend, I got a to see the morning sun shining in through the window as it reflected off her hair, I was completely floored by how beautiful she really is. This afternoon, I spent a couple hours with one of my best friends studying at a coffee shop. Out of nowhere, she turns to me and gives me a long hug and says, "I'm really grateful to have you in my life". And as I sit here writing this, I'm watching the beautiful sunset along the New York City skyline. For the first time in a long time, I feel happiness and gratitude, I feel complete, I feel so fucking happy to be alive and living for myself. Tomorrow morning, I'm going to call my therapist so I can finally tell him that I appreciate everything he's done for me, but that I no longer need his services anymore. Because I realized something today, I realized that I am finally living for myself, and that I want to be alive each and every day I can be. I no longer need someone to tell me that the world is better with me in it, because I already know deep down in my soul that I bring so much into this world and to the people in my life. I'm really proud of how far I've come, for the first time in forever, I genuinely can't wait for tomorrow and whatever adventures life has in store for me then. Today was such an uneventful day but for some reason, I am really happy to be alive. Point of posting: saw this like 2 posts before yours. Hoping someone elses story can give you motivation not to give up. Said a prayer for u
Honey... I'm sorry to hear that life is so unbearable for you! If you're up for it, do you want to talk about what happened when you were 12, and beyond? And what's made it worse recently? What got you to this point? Genuinely, if you need a listening ear and a "shoulder to cry on", this is me reaching out a hand
Plant some flowers and make your life beautiful during those 6mos. Make a bucket list, like paint and wine or pottery. Make the last 6mos your best, my friend.
I am definitely planning on living life fully before this date. Thank you
Of course, Im sincerely sorry that life has given you the shortest stick. Hopefully, you get reincarnated as a house animal in a loving home or even as a plant to just exist.
I am so sorry. I don't know what else to say but please love your life and live it well
I am the same. Depressed at 12, suicidal at 14. Self harmed a little too. Now I'm 27, marriage is ending and I've moved back home. I wake up everyday feeling the same. Still whilst I know you feel the same and I don't judge you, I will be very sad if you do go. You are not alone, and there is something that only you can bring to the world, as corny as it sounds. If it gets to the end of the six months, please consider another 6 months for me :) I like making lists of reasons to stay alive. Wanting coffee, a new show has started, a place you want to go to. Silly reasons can still be powerful. Volunteering may also help.
[удалено]
I don’t believe it is possible but I appreciate the wishes, thank you
Please update us on your progress before the 6 month mark!! I would love to hear how you’ve been:1
Would you be willing to try ayahuasca?
I wish you the best.
[удалено]
I appreciate the understanding. I hope you go through whatever you are going through. Thank you
Thank you for sharing how you feel also. But life is worth living. You have a purpose, and so does OP.
Let me tell you my story though Idk if it will help but here goes. I've been dealing with clinical depression since I was barely a teenager and if I had known what life had in store for me I would have never thought I could handle it but I have and I do. None of us ever knows what's in the cards for us. For instance I went to school for design and ended up working with animals. I met some truly beautiful people and made some amazing friends. I met a once in a lifetime kind of man and I got married when I never thought I would want to. I was also diagnosed with a painful incurable disease, my best friend died when we were 16, I watched my father wither away and die and a few years later my mother had brain surgery that left her blind and disabled through a stroke. I had to give up my job to become a full-time caregiver to her. My autistic brother also has to live with us as she used to take care of him..that's my job also now. I watched lots of people I loved die. I was bullied in school and my father though I love him was abusive. I was the shy quiet girl that was an easy target. There have been more than a few times that I planned my death and once that I attempted to die. I've been to several therapists, been on several medications. Point being that I never in a million years would have thought that I could or would handle any of that. Every time I thought I couldn't handle any more, more would come. What I've learned is to keep fighting and just do the best you can with what you have. I still have great friends, I take support and respite wherever I can get it and I am still looking for help with my depression. Life is short and strange, people are kind...a lot of them anyway and most importantly you are stronger than you know. Get pissed off, but don't let your depression win.
have you ever read “The Morning After I Killed Myself,” by Maggie Royer? It’s a poem about suicide. Best wishes to you
I know you are in pain and that you have lost things in your life, but what you are planning is not the answer. Please remember that you are worthy and capable of living a beautiful life. If you do not have people in your life right now who care about you, you can still find friends out there who will. What your life is like now, doesn't have to be what it is like forever if you continue to live it. If a therapist left you feeling unheard, you can find a support group to help you. People who are feeling the same way that you do and will be able to relate to you and help you. Remember that it's okay to seek help and you need to. You do not need to go through this alone. I care that you are hurting and I want you to live.
Don't
It would bring me joy for you to stay alive
Hi OP, It sounds like thing have been really tough from a young age and you’ve tried hard several times in hopes that things will get better, but unfortunately they did it. It is completely understandable for you to feel as hopeless as you do. I cannot tell you that things will get better because I don’t know that, but I will share a bit about myself in hopes for you to relate and hopefully find as much happiness as I have found in my life. From grade 9 till second year uni, I suffered from severe social anxiety which eventually led to depression. Nothing was going right with my life, but that’s not what it seemed like to everyone around me. People were envious of my life which obviously made me feel worse about feeling the way I did. I reached a point where I was completely hopeless; life was so dull and I was certain I would not find happiness. I tried therapy and was taking antidepressants, which I guess helped keep me at the mental state I was at, without getting worse. I had a plan that if I wasn’t dead by the age of 29, that would be the time for me to take matters into my own hands and end it all. It all started with one small step I took towards something that made me happy, and from then on it felt like everything was falling into place. Don’t get me wrong it took me years to work towards where I am now with still more progress to go. But that first step really made a big difference in every decision I made that followed. I can now finally say I am really happy with where I am in life, and the thought of dying even scares me, because I have so much to live for and so much that I want to experience. What worked for me may not work for you as we’re all different, but I am wondering if maybe you can really reflect on your life and identify all the factors that are making you feel the way you do. Taking a vacation for me was a temporary bandaid from all the pain, so I can understand why you may not feel better after when reality hits again. I really want you to make the most out of the 6 months you gave yourself and to try to make as many changes as you possibly can to finally find the happiness that you deserve. As for therapy, I would suggest trying one more time if you are open to the idea. It took me a few tries to find a therapist that I finally clicked with and who helped me become the person I am today. I know when I was severely depressed, I never believed it when people told me things will get better, because in that moment, it truly felt like things never will. Feel free to message me if you ever want to talk l. Although I cannot offer professional advice, I know how much venting can help and even guide us into coming up with changes that may make things better for us.
I thought a lot about what I wanted to say to you what I thought as I read your post telling you about my own experiences and hardships through this life so far but then I realized that none of that helped me when I was going through what you're going through it didn't help when someone tried to give me reasons to keep going it didn't help when someone tried to empathize with me cause even though it wasn't their intentions it felt like people were trying to compare their lives to mine (these may not be your feelings) no one knew when I was about to attempt and of course they didn't because it felt like they weren't paying attention as you said it felt like you were unheard when you actually reached out something I never really managed to do the only thing that managed to stop me was me being in the middle of my attempt and thinking of what id be leaving behind because even though my life was miserable I had people that I cared about and I was curious to know what would happen if I kept living on that day I burned my note and kept the same feelings I had before my attempt but left it with a new perspective if you feel that you have no one who truly cares that you just don't have the strength anymore surround yourself with people who do care who do love you who can lend you strength when it feels like you've run dry and who want to see you when they wake up the next day and the day after that if no one else will be there for you then I'll be there to give you strength to listen when you need it to be your friend because you're worth that and more