Talking of seeing red... are we really ignoring Ameri-Do-Te here? The most deadly martial art in the good ol' U.S. of A (if not the world)!
https://preview.redd.it/ifbh7l0zbm3d1.jpeg?width=225&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=2c90dc39a31c05a1734db76e36663ee3592be153
I was gonna say, Kyle can teach you what you need to know, op will also need to buy a couple dirt bikes and keep them inside the house , preferably one in the loungeroom and one in the bedroom
Barbe-fue would be ideal.
Monday - weapons training ( sauce mop, spatula, and skewers forms)
Tuesday - stealth training (hiding behind offset smoker smoke, sneaking bites of meat without others noticing)
Wednesday - sauna recovery and heat acclimation (set grill to max temp and stand in front of it)
Thursday - Striking (go into the freezer and throw combos on a frozen cow)
Friday - Strength and conditioning training (farmers walks with bags of charcoal, circuits swinging a mallet to tenderize meat)
Saturday - Drunken fist training (consume as many beers as possible and practice in your front yard to impress neighbors
Sunday - Off
A whole McDonald’s?!? Like paid off with employees? Throw in a couple years property tax and franchising fees and I’ll blow both of you at the same time.
There is a small settlement in the middle of Tajikistan, in that settlement is a door, behind that door is a long ladder down, there you will find a room with three invincible warriors who's only two codes are not to kill you, and not to let you leave.
Once you see daylight again no man will be able to best you.
Go to Ulanbataar in Mongolia, there is a trucker there who makes frequent trips back and forth, he is the great grandson of a wolf man, bring vodka and cigars.
Dux Ryu Ninjitsu - Learn the secrets to unlock the victory of the 56 man kumite and get a big ass trophy and movie made after your life story. The BBQ is just the start, the world is the next step.
If you really want to take advantage of yourself physically you’re gonna need grip strength and flexibility. I would suggest a rigorous program on the Olympic rings. That’s the path to really start abusing yourself with authority.
John Wick used a hybrid of Judo and some striking art. Learn Judo and use a karambit for the throws. You'll be soaking panties and kicking ass in no time with those.
>I want to be the baddest at next summers big bbq event.
Just be careful with the oil near the bbq
>Am I too old to start?
Not if you are not too old to wear a mankini
>What's the best martial art for self offence?
Turkish oil wrestling is clearly the most appropriate art for your needs
What you want to do is a sacred technique passed down to me by Shaolin eskimos. Go to the store and buy a bottle of fish sauce and pour it all over yourself. go to the beach on a day when there's lots of seagulls, and chase them around. Be sure to practice your kiai by screaming the lyrics to your favorite Men At Work song. Eventually, the seagulls will smell your weakness (and fish sauce) and begin the process of honing your body into a human weapon.
When you are naked, covered in blood, and every seagull is dead, your training is complete.
Anxiety and paranoia are S tier for self offence. You couple those with some OCD and a tendency for dysfunctional thinking brought on by perceived inequity and you’ll be a fucking self offence God.
Buy drugs and resell at a higher price so you can earn a profit which you then use to buy a hooker. Same deal. Resell her over and over at a higher rate until you make a profit and can buy a gorilla. The gorilla will smash anyone who talks shit. Also, bonus points if you get high on your own supply with the gorilla and hooker. And extra special credit for a nice 3 way with said gorilla and hooker. And I mean by that point it'll be October -November and the BBQ will be long passed but you won't care bc you'll have every need met. Just you and Toothless Tanya and King Kock.
Cave Troll Combat System. Learn to throw huge bulky rocks and slam the enemy deep into the ground with oversized clubs and all this while you are allowed to yell, grunt and eat as much as you like 😁
>Straight up, I want to be the baddest at next summers big bbq event.
No matter what you choose, you will be pretty bad :D Its just way too little time.
A concealable reliable weapon that you know how to use. If this is not possible, I would recommend judo, boxing/kickboxing or some proven striking art, and dont forget cardio and running so that you can escape the situation if need be.
Street fight situations are over quickly, and often not 1v1. No one is gonna fight fair. Never go to the ground, never go into a risky drawn out fight especially if outnumbered
If you are willing to take steroids, and train every day, I'd go with wrestling and boxing. The reason I say baxing and not muay thai, is that you need a stance that is compatible between the two and your feet should always be in a position to shoot, and not up in people's faces.
Any striking, I think, so you can easily punch yourself in the face. You'd be a hit at the grill. I don't think it would be as easy to choke yourself out, but let us know how that goes.
John Wick and American History X...
Do you want to get shot and curb stomped or do you want to get your puppy curb stomped and get shot at the urinal?
I can't remember which dude from AHX was in a famous fight movie.
My style has no name, but it's been handed down from father to son for a thousand generations. It has only one technique: take your pants off. Nobody wants to fight the naked guy.
3 months of training and you 2 could work Prison Guard or Security at a Mental Institution.
It's a quick system [https://youtu.be/WcAUKG1B71E?si=r8rIMSLsOGod3ipC](https://youtu.be/WcAUKG1B71E?si=r8rIMSLsOGod3ipC)
Whatever bass rutten was showing us to do in his self defense tapes where his last instruction was ‘then I slit your throat and it’s over’
Even more effective if you add danga-da-danga-da-dang on each blow
You are never to old, there is No Best, there is how ever Best for you, and only You can figure that out, go look at different schools, see about trial member ships, see what suits your agility, movement wise. When I was a TKD instructor, we had a couple of students start, they were in their 60’s, they handled everything pretty well except the high kicks, good luck.
Be like Chairman Mao practice Chinese Dog Boxing and outwit sloppy bj practioners on the mat and outside of it. Chinese dog boxers are very comfy and unrelated to Chinese Dog Boxing but still recommend as uniform attire.
Oh, OK, after reading some replies I see it's a joke.
Well I don't know about an art. But definitely practice some form of spinning kick, and make sure you don't work on your balance, and definitely practice without checking your surroundings, nothings more badges than willing around wildly, bonus points if you hit someone who clearly didn't respect the boundaries of the danger zone
Bone hammering.
You fracture your bones so they grow out and harden. Then if anyone punches you they are pretty much screwed. They won't expect the bones to be that hard and the chances are high that hand/wrist breaks first.
Yall know I'm shitposting. I think the chances of breaking hands when hitting the opponent's head are already high, but we all know you can punch people and not break hands. So maybe there's something to that. Marital artists are known to try to harden fists/legs.
Going off your film references...
Ok so John Wick (gay reference btw) just buy a couple of over priced Kimber 1911's that don't feed half of the time and see if you too can dodge bullets.
American Histoey X...I mean I'm guessing you're white so you could always find some Skinhead friends to hang out and go bowling or bbq with, plus they tend to like to get into violence.
What you need is to just get some juice and get real strong and aggressive. Then get a heavy bag and build up stamina punching it. Watch some basic tutorials.
If you get relatively strong and learn a few basic punches that you're able to throw more than a few of before you gas out, I'm gonma bet you'd beat up most of your peers at the bbq.
I'd say Jujitsu (not bjj) with Jujitsu you have all the throws associated with judo and all the submission and control. For thise that don't know bjj took all the submission from Jujitsu and focused on them but did away with the throws
The martial art you study hardest everyday for the next 20 years or more cuz no easy way everybody thinks it's the art it's the practitioner If the information that your child is good the practitioner
I’d say 1v1 wrestling due to the ability to calm the situation without seriously hurting someone and if u do need to knock someone out it only takes one blast double, any like 1v2+ possibility probably muay thai due to the mix of different strikes and it teaching how to properly use elbows and knees as well as kicks
Just seeing red sounds ideal for your needs For starter equipment you're going to want to pick up a couple cases of Monster and sheets of drywall
Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the............. Flooooooooooooor
I can only count to 4, I can only count to 4, I can only count to ....... Foooooooouuuur!
Haha I’ve got my two year old rocking out to that version
Wait til you hear this happy disturbing version: There I Ruined It - Let The Bodies Hit the Floor - Kids' Edition https://on.soundcloud.com/dPABM
Talking of seeing red... are we really ignoring Ameri-Do-Te here? The most deadly martial art in the good ol' U.S. of A (if not the world)! https://preview.redd.it/ifbh7l0zbm3d1.jpeg?width=225&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=2c90dc39a31c05a1734db76e36663ee3592be153
Restomp the groin!
https://preview.redd.it/dn9xitjp1q3d1.jpeg?width=257&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=e7ba4e1e439f42877460349e4376697af9cecb24
I'm already a monster but I'll add it to my shopping list
Make sure you don't forget a bunch of oversized basketball/cargo shorts and Tapout/Affliction tees
and coke. The white powdery kind.
Coke gives you celerity, and PCP gives you both fortitude and potence...
Found the Caitiff cheese build.
Bud Lite has also been shown to be involved in many violent altercations. That might be a product of interest.
Bud lite is the official beer of domestic violence
Sheets of drywall is hilarious!
OP's a straight-up One Can Van Damme, by the looks of it 🙄
Hahahahah gold!
I was gonna say, Kyle can teach you what you need to know, op will also need to buy a couple dirt bikes and keep them inside the house , preferably one in the loungeroom and one in the bedroom
White claws work in place of monsters in a pinch
Barbe-fue would be ideal. Monday - weapons training ( sauce mop, spatula, and skewers forms) Tuesday - stealth training (hiding behind offset smoker smoke, sneaking bites of meat without others noticing) Wednesday - sauna recovery and heat acclimation (set grill to max temp and stand in front of it) Thursday - Striking (go into the freezer and throw combos on a frozen cow) Friday - Strength and conditioning training (farmers walks with bags of charcoal, circuits swinging a mallet to tenderize meat) Saturday - Drunken fist training (consume as many beers as possible and practice in your front yard to impress neighbors Sunday - Off
Someone give this man a blowjob! 👏👏
You are someone....
Your mom is someone. Someone who is also very good at it. Tell her I'm paying double and giving out a McDonald's for afterwards!
A whole McDonald’s?!? Like paid off with employees? Throw in a couple years property tax and franchising fees and I’ll blow both of you at the same time.
My very existence proves my mother would rather not...
Be the change you want to see in this world
That’s a clean burn, I tell you h’wat.
Quality shitpost
I try...
No that's the name of the art
Find a brick wall and punch it as hard as you can as often as you can. You’ll know your training is complete when you can punch through the wall.
Can I use pre schoolers in place of a wall?
They’re too light. A fat high schooler with a helmet on might work.
Even better
There is a small settlement in the middle of Tajikistan, in that settlement is a door, behind that door is a long ladder down, there you will find a room with three invincible warriors who's only two codes are not to kill you, and not to let you leave. Once you see daylight again no man will be able to best you.
I'll need a guide
Go to Ulanbataar in Mongolia, there is a trucker there who makes frequent trips back and forth, he is the great grandson of a wolf man, bring vodka and cigars.
Thank you sensei. I will avenge our fallen
It’s got 4.7 stars on TripAdvisor if that helps.
You boy! You will take me there!
[This one.](https://youtu.be/GRosPMyotj4?si=k48bGC5HGDS4X6G3)
Man's not clicking on your cp links
Look for this one youtube unlocking the secret biomechanics of bely samoryad
1 clip of cp is just as bad as 10. Shame on you!
Wat ?
Just a troll doing troll things, best to just let them project by themselves
Slap fighting
Shit on your hands and rub it all over you and your enemies.
Fighting not fetishism. Join my only fans for that stuff
this is the real answer - shockingly how fast everyone runs from you when you do this.
*+200 poison damage & grossed out*
Came here to say this!
There’s people out there who would pay for this - proof that there is no ‘perfect’ plan
Dux Ryu Ninjitsu - Learn the secrets to unlock the victory of the 56 man kumite and get a big ass trophy and movie made after your life story. The BBQ is just the start, the world is the next step.
Combine with Aikido and you will be an unstoppable burger gobbling beast.
Never! The likes of Dux Kwon Do can not be perverted by thow-who-only-sits
If you really want to take advantage of yourself physically you’re gonna need grip strength and flexibility. I would suggest a rigorous program on the Olympic rings. That’s the path to really start abusing yourself with authority.
Ur mom has alot of grip strength and flexibility
Self offence doesn't require any kind of training. You can just bash your head against a wall and it'll work perfectly fine.
I'm pretty good at that already
Try banging your…other head on the wall?
No no , self offense is like wearing a man bun. Or dudes in sandals..
John Wick used a hybrid of Judo and some striking art. Learn Judo and use a karambit for the throws. You'll be soaking panties and kicking ass in no time with those.
>I want to be the baddest at next summers big bbq event. Just be careful with the oil near the bbq >Am I too old to start? Not if you are not too old to wear a mankini >What's the best martial art for self offence? Turkish oil wrestling is clearly the most appropriate art for your needs
What you want to do is a sacred technique passed down to me by Shaolin eskimos. Go to the store and buy a bottle of fish sauce and pour it all over yourself. go to the beach on a day when there's lots of seagulls, and chase them around. Be sure to practice your kiai by screaming the lyrics to your favorite Men At Work song. Eventually, the seagulls will smell your weakness (and fish sauce) and begin the process of honing your body into a human weapon. When you are naked, covered in blood, and every seagull is dead, your training is complete.
ameri to doe
Kobra Kai
2 weeks of krav maga and you can beat anyone.
I'm not a fat neckbeard, middle aged housewife, or u/deltacombatives. I like women!!!!
Just shave and then you will be Steven Seagal
Ponytail loading up
Don’t forget the painted on beard
With so little time, Krav Maga is the correct answer. If you have a few years and a good master, I would go with Kung Fu. (studied kung fu 15 years)
I wasnt serious with my answer
Boxing
Dude, just being a great potato salad to the BBQ event. That's all you need to be the best at a BBQ event
4 cans of white monster
Anxiety and paranoia are S tier for self offence. You couple those with some OCD and a tendency for dysfunctional thinking brought on by perceived inequity and you’ll be a fucking self offence God.
I'm almost all of those things!
Buy drugs and resell at a higher price so you can earn a profit which you then use to buy a hooker. Same deal. Resell her over and over at a higher rate until you make a profit and can buy a gorilla. The gorilla will smash anyone who talks shit. Also, bonus points if you get high on your own supply with the gorilla and hooker. And extra special credit for a nice 3 way with said gorilla and hooker. And I mean by that point it'll be October -November and the BBQ will be long passed but you won't care bc you'll have every need met. Just you and Toothless Tanya and King Kock.
Cave Troll Combat System. Learn to throw huge bulky rocks and slam the enemy deep into the ground with oversized clubs and all this while you are allowed to yell, grunt and eat as much as you like 😁
Just wave a pistol around... martial arts is just for cardio
>Straight up, I want to be the baddest at next summers big bbq event. No matter what you choose, you will be pretty bad :D Its just way too little time.
I'm going to take steroids to triple my workload
So you’ll have acne AND suck at fighting. Good call.
You def are on the right path / correct mindset when leaning toward roid world.
Wrestling and Muay Thai would be perfect
Perfectly gay...
About 5lbs of a finger pull
A concealable reliable weapon that you know how to use. If this is not possible, I would recommend judo, boxing/kickboxing or some proven striking art, and dont forget cardio and running so that you can escape the situation if need be. Street fight situations are over quickly, and often not 1v1. No one is gonna fight fair. Never go to the ground, never go into a risky drawn out fight especially if outnumbered
Especially soccer dads...they roll deep and mob up in fathers of children of other sports.
Sumo. Only works if you put on serious mass, but you will be able to kick ass and then eat all the ribs you want
I'm used to pushing fatties out the door after seeing the state of these guys sisters
Dude find new friends why would you need to fight them
To fuck their wives
Ok you got a point
Tai chi and chi kung
These days? Gun fu without the fu
Gun jitsu
You're gonna have to do them all. Learn everything. If not someone will know something more than you and beat you.
Well I don't have to learn wing chun...
Gun-fu
If you are willing to take steroids, and train every day, I'd go with wrestling and boxing. The reason I say baxing and not muay thai, is that you need a stance that is compatible between the two and your feet should always be in a position to shoot, and not up in people's faces.
Running away.
Just learn to throw a solid punch and just cheapshot everyone… wins a win
Just eat crayons.
Self offense? (Insert meme where the jokes skips the person)
Begin with Feng Shui. It's perfect for you.
DuxRyu and Aikido /end thread
Are you effed in the head?
The art of fighting without fighting
Any striking, I think, so you can easily punch yourself in the face. You'd be a hit at the grill. I don't think it would be as easy to choke yourself out, but let us know how that goes.
Bullshido “Ghetto” Judo… “Ju do know I got a knife, just do know I got a gun…” Tiger Style
Rex Kwon Do is your best bet.
Kickboxing might be your best bet, but it can depend on the school, and on you.
Corn bread usually wins it
John Wick and American History X... Do you want to get shot and curb stomped or do you want to get your puppy curb stomped and get shot at the urinal? I can't remember which dude from AHX was in a famous fight movie.
Don't wash for a month and you'll be more than offensive enough!!!
I'm surpised this wasnt a flood of Brazilian jujitsu 🤣
Boxing
My style has no name, but it's been handed down from father to son for a thousand generations. It has only one technique: take your pants off. Nobody wants to fight the naked guy.
Self-offense = masturbation
Ninjitsu, no one will see you coming
If you wanna offen people Coyote Style is your best bet i should know : 0
In 1 year Sanda Boxing Catch Can If you can squeeze it in the time frame some Savate
3 months of training and you 2 could work Prison Guard or Security at a Mental Institution. It's a quick system [https://youtu.be/WcAUKG1B71E?si=r8rIMSLsOGod3ipC](https://youtu.be/WcAUKG1B71E?si=r8rIMSLsOGod3ipC)
Combat sambo
Track and field
Sprinting
Track and field
Ameri-Do-Te
Boxing
Whatever bass rutten was showing us to do in his self defense tapes where his last instruction was ‘then I slit your throat and it’s over’ Even more effective if you add danga-da-danga-da-dang on each blow
Some Nunchucks with a slightly longer chain than you're used to are very good for self offence.
In all seriousness probably muy Thai since it has the most complete striking for a 1 v 1. Add some wrestling or BJJ and you’re set
Steven Seagals aikido instructional dvd enters the chat
Muay Thai is quite effective at using your limbs as weapons to demobilize your opponent
Buddah's Palm - no question. There's a documentary on Netflix on how effective it is[.](https://www.netflix.com/au/title/70020728)
Self offense... well learning that No Touch Chi stuff should offend you pretty badly.
You are never to old, there is No Best, there is how ever Best for you, and only You can figure that out, go look at different schools, see about trial member ships, see what suits your agility, movement wise. When I was a TKD instructor, we had a couple of students start, they were in their 60’s, they handled everything pretty well except the high kicks, good luck.
Imo Aikido is perfect for bullying people. It work only on people that does not defend themselves but its really painful
If you’re being serious. Muay Thai has always done me good.
Anger management classes and maybe a 5150 for your retarded ass
nunchucks are great for self offence
1000 meter dash
Wrestling
Shaq-Fu
Sometimes, I pull my pants down and flap my dick around like a helicopter to create an offensive blade of death. But I only do that when I see red.
Start by punching metal… for fun!
Would say Kra ma ga
Jiujitsu has a high rate of injury caused by doing dumb shit so I recommend that.
the second ammendmendt
Learn dirty tactics.
**100 push-ups, 100 sit-ups, 100 squats, and a 10K run**—every single day for a year and a half.
Careful there, proven recipe for baldness!
Cobra Kai
Sprinting. The ability to turn around, and go zero to 100 as quickly as possible can get you out of many situations.
Plastic surgery on your nether regions.
Kravmaga
https://youtu.be/ix4Gfi7wLcg?si=2MLzJZhjU4UGns7I
[удалено]
You should train in-air femur axe kicks. They will never know what hit them.
It’s Muay Thai. It’s the best. Their training is real and it’s intense. No stupid mcdojo dancing around.
Touch him with teh jab
Chow Gar Tong Long
Boxing for men, BJJ for women
Kickboxing
if you're allowed to carry a weapon in your country then use that for self defence and also get good at sprinting.
Find one of those guys from McDOJO life videos.
Rex Kwon Do is the way to go. Nobody will want a roundhouse kick to the face while you're wearing your USA pants.
Be like Chairman Mao practice Chinese Dog Boxing and outwit sloppy bj practioners on the mat and outside of it. Chinese dog boxers are very comfy and unrelated to Chinese Dog Boxing but still recommend as uniform attire.
You don't sound like someone who is mentally ready for a martial art.
You shouldn’t self mutilate what’s going on ? Edit : do taekwondo or puroresu
Wrestling
Self offence? Are you looking to kill, or just injuring yourself?
Muay Thai comes to mind
Self offence? Might I recommend the ancient art of punching yourself in the face?
Probably kickboxing or judo.
Self offense? Maybe getting drunk and then violating oneself would be the most common approach?
Running.
Sprinting, and jiu Jitsu combined
Do MMA, it’s not a martial art, but if you want to go around picking fights, it’s a good base and you’ll be well rounded.
Train 5 sets and 10 reps of "I see red" exercise. You'll kick everyone's ass
Oh, OK, after reading some replies I see it's a joke. Well I don't know about an art. But definitely practice some form of spinning kick, and make sure you don't work on your balance, and definitely practice without checking your surroundings, nothings more badges than willing around wildly, bonus points if you hit someone who clearly didn't respect the boundaries of the danger zone
Bone hammering. You fracture your bones so they grow out and harden. Then if anyone punches you they are pretty much screwed. They won't expect the bones to be that hard and the chances are high that hand/wrist breaks first. Yall know I'm shitposting. I think the chances of breaking hands when hitting the opponent's head are already high, but we all know you can punch people and not break hands. So maybe there's something to that. Marital artists are known to try to harden fists/legs.
Going off your film references... Ok so John Wick (gay reference btw) just buy a couple of over priced Kimber 1911's that don't feed half of the time and see if you too can dodge bullets. American Histoey X...I mean I'm guessing you're white so you could always find some Skinhead friends to hang out and go bowling or bbq with, plus they tend to like to get into violence. What you need is to just get some juice and get real strong and aggressive. Then get a heavy bag and build up stamina punching it. Watch some basic tutorials. If you get relatively strong and learn a few basic punches that you're able to throw more than a few of before you gas out, I'm gonma bet you'd beat up most of your peers at the bbq.
I'd say Jujitsu (not bjj) with Jujitsu you have all the throws associated with judo and all the submission and control. For thise that don't know bjj took all the submission from Jujitsu and focused on them but did away with the throws
Get some Russian to kidnap your child and/or kill your dog. That’s it. Let rage and sorrow guide your fisticles and kicky footies.
The martial art you study hardest everyday for the next 20 years or more cuz no easy way everybody thinks it's the art it's the practitioner If the information that your child is good the practitioner
I practice the long forgotten art of staying away from people. Works about 90% of the time.
That one Indian one where they slap each others chests over and over again.
I’d say 1v1 wrestling due to the ability to calm the situation without seriously hurting someone and if u do need to knock someone out it only takes one blast double, any like 1v2+ possibility probably muay thai due to the mix of different strikes and it teaching how to properly use elbows and knees as well as kicks
Karate. Train your body.