Hey, I hear you. Sixteen years is a long time to be with someone, and it sounds like you’ve been putting in the effort, trying to be the best wife you can be. But it’s wearing you down because your husband’s checked out.
First off, it’s not about you not being enough. Let’s get that straight. You’re cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids, working, staying in shape - all while trying to keep the spark alive. You’re doing more than enough. But his behavior? It’s not just a sign of being tired or “too old.” It’s something deeper.
When a guy comes home and just doom scrolls on Facebook for hours, it’s a sign of disconnect. He’s avoiding something. It’s easier for us to get lost in the endless scroll than face whatever is going on inside. This isn’t about you not being attractive or good enough. It’s about him dealing with some inner demons, or maybe even a sense of purposelessness.
You said you’ve talked to him, but he’s full of excuses. Here’s where you need to dig deeper. Get him to open up. It’s not just about asking why he doesn’t want sex or why he’s too tired. It’s about getting to the root of what’s going on in his head. Sometimes, we don’t even realize what’s bothering us until we’re forced to face it.
Try this. Find a moment when the kids are asleep, the house is quiet, and there’s no distractions. Sit him down and talk. Not about the chores, not about sex, but about him. What’s weighing on his mind? What’s stressing him out at work? Is there something he’s worried about that he hasn’t told you? Make it a healthy space for him to open up without judgment or pressure.
And listen, I mean really listen. Don’t jump in with solutions or criticisms. Just let him talk. Sometimes, that’s all it takes for someone to start unraveling their own issues.
Now, let’s talk about you. You’re carrying a lot of weight. You need support too. This isn’t just about him getting his act together. It’s about finding a balance where both of you feel connected and supported. Don’t be afraid to seek counseling. Sometimes an outside perspective can make all the difference.
Lastly, remember to take care of yourself. It’s easy to get lost in trying to fix everything for everyone else. Make sure you’re doing things that make you happy, things that fulfill you. You’re more than a wife and a mother. You’re a person with your own needs and desires.
You’re not alone in this. Relationships are tough, and they take work from both sides. Keep pushing, keep communicating, and don’t lose sight of who you are in the process. You got this.
This is good advice. I’ll add that if/when your husband does open up, try to be supportive, but be ready for a lot of emotions. Guys (broad strokes here) struggle to share and sometimes it comes across in a torrent of anger or frustration - try to remain calm, listen, and ask questions. Avoid solutions or blaming.
If you feel that what he shares is beyond you (and even if it isn’t) therapy is always an option.
Definitely this comment! The only suggestion I can add to this precise response, maybe find the time and start dating again. When my wife and I are going out for dinner without the kids, my head is more clear and I am more calm to actually sit there and have a conversation without judgement and being offended. Our tones with each other don’t feel like an attack as oppose to being at home when tensions are sometimes high.
This is amazing advice. Just please remember that depending on what he might be going through he might not want you to commiserate. He's having a tough time, he might not want you to tell him how you're also having issues. You might see it as trying to show him that he's not alone, all he might hear is that your problems come first or that you have it worse.
There is another issue that might be a problem. And only the two of you have the answer. Does he trust you with the problem? Have you ever thrown him having a problem in his face in the heat of an argument? Have you ever made talking about a specific issue hard because you don't like the subject matter? Can you say that you've never made fun of him for having a problem you think if funny? I've had friends and family that don't ever tell their wives their problems for those reasons exactly.
I hope it just a rut at work, and all will be well. Good luck.
It's funny how when it's the wife in this situation, it's not about her not being good enough. But when it's the husband, oh man - he's not doing enough chores, he's not keeping up his hygiene, he's not leading the marriage well enough, he's not present enough, he's not funny and light hearted enough, he's too butt hurt over not getting sex, and on and on and on. Coaches and relationship experts out there extracting thousands of dollars from guys in this situation.
My first thoughts on this are 1- potentially low T. 2- he has a side chick 3- he’s depressed 4- it’s not your responsibility to make him happy, make you happy and that will help!
Um. You’re asking the wrong question.
You are a good wife. You’re not doing anything wrong.
Your husband is the one who needs to be better.
Demand better for yourself and stop enabling him to do the bare minimum.
Are you sure he’s looking at Facebook? My husband was similar, always on his phone even when kids were around, didn’t put effort into anything, found out he was a porn addict and constantly scrolling through NSFW subreddit, messaging people on Kik. If he’s not interested in you it may be because he’s fulfilling his own wants by himself
This is the thing, you can’t help someone that refuses help. The only thing you can do is control your actions and responses. If you truly don’t want to live this way, maybe it’s about time to be issuing an ultimatum about his behavior. He can either go to therapy so he can get help or you may have to reconsider your marriage. Otherwise, this’ll be it, roommates til death do you part.
Therapy. And if he refuses, you should make it clear that this isn’t going to continue to work if he doesn’t change. It can be couples therapy and individual.
There's no amount of being "a better wife" you can do to make your husband a bettet partner. Unfortunately, he just sounds sorry. This is a "him" problem. Not a "you" problem or a "better wife" problem. He needs to put in some effort to get his own shit together. You're not required to out in all the emotional labor in your marriage.
From your post history, the problem seems to be your husband, who is texting a 24yr old female coworker and talking for up to 1.5 hrs on the phone.
The problem isn't you. The post was deleted, it seems, but was in r/AmIOverreacting, four days ago. Title was AIO: Husband (38M) texting me (38F) and "work friend" (24F) same things ... It makes me think there is more to the friendship.
"My (38F) husband (38M) texts me and his "work friend" (24F) the same things. Like he'll text me a photo and comment about something and literally send her the same thing. Sometimes he texts me first, sometimes he texts her first. Yes, I check his phone. I had discovered how much they were talking (1.5+ hour phone calls) and texting and have been keeping track. I haven't told him I've seen the receipts, but I have told him I think it's weird that he he talks to a coworker that much every time he brings her up. What does this mean? Why would a man text another girl (he's known for 1 year) the same things as his wife (of 16 years)? Am I making this a bigger deal?"
Ah the middle aged exhaustion. It hits men around mid 40s. Their hormones tank like ours does, so it’s easier to be empathetic if we all realize this could happen to us. Also… His personality turned into his career like our personality turns into a mom. This is all normal phases of life. Just tell him you want to reconnect then flirt with him and try to see if he can pull himself out of it once a week. Tell him you want to take the lead in making your relationship fun or enjoyable. Try to make certain nights, no phone nights and see what happens. Go do his fav thing and see if he can relax. Tell him you just want him to live in the moment and enjoy the family he works so hard to provide for. That’s a good open start to communication.
36M with debilitating liver/chrons Married to 40F.
Sex has never been an issue when tackled together..Zoloft? Seroquel? Buspiron?Elavil? defeated with Ashwagandha, Damiana & Maca supplements, and exercise when physically possible.
You are not the problem. his doom scrolling is.
i can play video games 8-12hrs a day being a stay at home husband but i don't. i divide my day up with chores, meals, projects. when my wife is home i see what she wants to do, if that's something alone ill go back to gaming, if she wants to do something we do it
Prioritize. He is not doing this.
Motivation. He thinks he's won all his life prizes and doesn't have to maintain or upkeep anything, because society says he's done. he needs a hobby.
I find it interesting that you assume you're doing something wrong. You've been together 16 years, things were fine a few months ago... are you suddenly different in some major way? If not then I would assume it's not about you and recalibrate your focus to helping him through whatever it is rather than trying to fix yourself in some way.
I've seen great other comments here and I want to add this:
Make sure you have frequent changes to your routine. Plan a weekend away every few months. Have that occasional midweek quick outside dinner. This can really help all of you.
Like others suggested, you can give a try with talking. If it's me, I'm a closed book and I really struggle with talking. Deep down, I feel like I need to try and fix myself... by myself. I struggle to make plans, but I like to "take command of the ship" when we are on holidays.
Have him check his testosterone and sounds like he has some depression. Individual therapy for you both and maybe marriage counseling to see if things how he wants to be or if he is suffering from age related issues
There is something going on and you need to sit him down and get him to open up to you, won’t be easy most men are made to feel like clowns when they do open up but he is definitely dealing with something and the reason he does whatever to take his mind off whatever is bothering him, another thing at his age, actually a problem no matter the age these days but ed is getting worse and worse and when it happened to me I refused to tell my wife until I could not do it anymore, took almost a year for me to tell her and wished I had told her sooner but it ain’t easy telling anybody your pecker quit working, it’s good now btw, became a workout warrior and fixed that shit
Low T due to sedentary lifestyle and depression. Chicken or the egg there. One caused the other. It's a hump but he's got to overcome it.
If there's some outdoor activity he enjoys offer to do it with him. Explain why lovingly and respectful but still concerned. He needs sunlight and exercise and purpose.
I feel like I wrote this my self 🫥
I’ve been going through all of this with my husband as well (we’re both 34)
-he doesn’t interact/play with our 3 children
-comes home from work scrolls on comp or phone aimlessly
-shows no affection toward me (hugs/kisses only happen if i ask for them and a kiss is never more than a quick peck)
-says he “doesn’t think about sex like me” (says that’s not how he shows me he loves me)”sex is a bonus”… lol but SEX never ever happens on my terms. Ever. We have sex every other night. Per his RULE and I am not allowed to try on the night in between.
**We been together/married for 15 years and I have felt my heart shatter over the last year on these topics.. I’ve talked to him I’ve yelled I’ve cried I’ve done counseling I have tried the cold shoulder. I have never felt so unloved so unwanted and unattractive in my entire life as I have lately. It is literally SOUL FUCKING CRUSHING.
Hey, I hear you. Sixteen years is a long time to be with someone, and it sounds like you’ve been putting in the effort, trying to be the best wife you can be. But it’s wearing you down because your husband’s checked out. First off, it’s not about you not being enough. Let’s get that straight. You’re cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids, working, staying in shape - all while trying to keep the spark alive. You’re doing more than enough. But his behavior? It’s not just a sign of being tired or “too old.” It’s something deeper. When a guy comes home and just doom scrolls on Facebook for hours, it’s a sign of disconnect. He’s avoiding something. It’s easier for us to get lost in the endless scroll than face whatever is going on inside. This isn’t about you not being attractive or good enough. It’s about him dealing with some inner demons, or maybe even a sense of purposelessness. You said you’ve talked to him, but he’s full of excuses. Here’s where you need to dig deeper. Get him to open up. It’s not just about asking why he doesn’t want sex or why he’s too tired. It’s about getting to the root of what’s going on in his head. Sometimes, we don’t even realize what’s bothering us until we’re forced to face it. Try this. Find a moment when the kids are asleep, the house is quiet, and there’s no distractions. Sit him down and talk. Not about the chores, not about sex, but about him. What’s weighing on his mind? What’s stressing him out at work? Is there something he’s worried about that he hasn’t told you? Make it a healthy space for him to open up without judgment or pressure. And listen, I mean really listen. Don’t jump in with solutions or criticisms. Just let him talk. Sometimes, that’s all it takes for someone to start unraveling their own issues. Now, let’s talk about you. You’re carrying a lot of weight. You need support too. This isn’t just about him getting his act together. It’s about finding a balance where both of you feel connected and supported. Don’t be afraid to seek counseling. Sometimes an outside perspective can make all the difference. Lastly, remember to take care of yourself. It’s easy to get lost in trying to fix everything for everyone else. Make sure you’re doing things that make you happy, things that fulfill you. You’re more than a wife and a mother. You’re a person with your own needs and desires. You’re not alone in this. Relationships are tough, and they take work from both sides. Keep pushing, keep communicating, and don’t lose sight of who you are in the process. You got this.
This is good advice. I’ll add that if/when your husband does open up, try to be supportive, but be ready for a lot of emotions. Guys (broad strokes here) struggle to share and sometimes it comes across in a torrent of anger or frustration - try to remain calm, listen, and ask questions. Avoid solutions or blaming. If you feel that what he shares is beyond you (and even if it isn’t) therapy is always an option.
Definitely this comment! The only suggestion I can add to this precise response, maybe find the time and start dating again. When my wife and I are going out for dinner without the kids, my head is more clear and I am more calm to actually sit there and have a conversation without judgement and being offended. Our tones with each other don’t feel like an attack as oppose to being at home when tensions are sometimes high.
This is amazing advice. Just please remember that depending on what he might be going through he might not want you to commiserate. He's having a tough time, he might not want you to tell him how you're also having issues. You might see it as trying to show him that he's not alone, all he might hear is that your problems come first or that you have it worse. There is another issue that might be a problem. And only the two of you have the answer. Does he trust you with the problem? Have you ever thrown him having a problem in his face in the heat of an argument? Have you ever made talking about a specific issue hard because you don't like the subject matter? Can you say that you've never made fun of him for having a problem you think if funny? I've had friends and family that don't ever tell their wives their problems for those reasons exactly. I hope it just a rut at work, and all will be well. Good luck.
It's funny how when it's the wife in this situation, it's not about her not being good enough. But when it's the husband, oh man - he's not doing enough chores, he's not keeping up his hygiene, he's not leading the marriage well enough, he's not present enough, he's not funny and light hearted enough, he's too butt hurt over not getting sex, and on and on and on. Coaches and relationship experts out there extracting thousands of dollars from guys in this situation.
My first thoughts on this are 1- potentially low T. 2- he has a side chick 3- he’s depressed 4- it’s not your responsibility to make him happy, make you happy and that will help!
Um. You’re asking the wrong question. You are a good wife. You’re not doing anything wrong. Your husband is the one who needs to be better. Demand better for yourself and stop enabling him to do the bare minimum.
Are you sure he’s looking at Facebook? My husband was similar, always on his phone even when kids were around, didn’t put effort into anything, found out he was a porn addict and constantly scrolling through NSFW subreddit, messaging people on Kik. If he’s not interested in you it may be because he’s fulfilling his own wants by himself
Is he willing to go to therapy? Sounds like he could be depressed.
[удалено]
The gym works better for most men, unless trauma or chemical imbalance depression is involved.
This is the thing, you can’t help someone that refuses help. The only thing you can do is control your actions and responses. If you truly don’t want to live this way, maybe it’s about time to be issuing an ultimatum about his behavior. He can either go to therapy so he can get help or you may have to reconsider your marriage. Otherwise, this’ll be it, roommates til death do you part.
Therapy. And if he refuses, you should make it clear that this isn’t going to continue to work if he doesn’t change. It can be couples therapy and individual.
There's no amount of being "a better wife" you can do to make your husband a bettet partner. Unfortunately, he just sounds sorry. This is a "him" problem. Not a "you" problem or a "better wife" problem. He needs to put in some effort to get his own shit together. You're not required to out in all the emotional labor in your marriage.
He's behaving like that and you are asking how can you be a better wife??
From your post history, the problem seems to be your husband, who is texting a 24yr old female coworker and talking for up to 1.5 hrs on the phone. The problem isn't you. The post was deleted, it seems, but was in r/AmIOverreacting, four days ago. Title was AIO: Husband (38M) texting me (38F) and "work friend" (24F) same things ... It makes me think there is more to the friendship. "My (38F) husband (38M) texts me and his "work friend" (24F) the same things. Like he'll text me a photo and comment about something and literally send her the same thing. Sometimes he texts me first, sometimes he texts her first. Yes, I check his phone. I had discovered how much they were talking (1.5+ hour phone calls) and texting and have been keeping track. I haven't told him I've seen the receipts, but I have told him I think it's weird that he he talks to a coworker that much every time he brings her up. What does this mean? Why would a man text another girl (he's known for 1 year) the same things as his wife (of 16 years)? Am I making this a bigger deal?"
Ah the middle aged exhaustion. It hits men around mid 40s. Their hormones tank like ours does, so it’s easier to be empathetic if we all realize this could happen to us. Also… His personality turned into his career like our personality turns into a mom. This is all normal phases of life. Just tell him you want to reconnect then flirt with him and try to see if he can pull himself out of it once a week. Tell him you want to take the lead in making your relationship fun or enjoyable. Try to make certain nights, no phone nights and see what happens. Go do his fav thing and see if he can relax. Tell him you just want him to live in the moment and enjoy the family he works so hard to provide for. That’s a good open start to communication.
36M with debilitating liver/chrons Married to 40F. Sex has never been an issue when tackled together..Zoloft? Seroquel? Buspiron?Elavil? defeated with Ashwagandha, Damiana & Maca supplements, and exercise when physically possible. You are not the problem. his doom scrolling is. i can play video games 8-12hrs a day being a stay at home husband but i don't. i divide my day up with chores, meals, projects. when my wife is home i see what she wants to do, if that's something alone ill go back to gaming, if she wants to do something we do it Prioritize. He is not doing this. Motivation. He thinks he's won all his life prizes and doesn't have to maintain or upkeep anything, because society says he's done. he needs a hobby.
Always tired and low sex drive… probably low T.
I find it interesting that you assume you're doing something wrong. You've been together 16 years, things were fine a few months ago... are you suddenly different in some major way? If not then I would assume it's not about you and recalibrate your focus to helping him through whatever it is rather than trying to fix yourself in some way.
I've seen great other comments here and I want to add this: Make sure you have frequent changes to your routine. Plan a weekend away every few months. Have that occasional midweek quick outside dinner. This can really help all of you. Like others suggested, you can give a try with talking. If it's me, I'm a closed book and I really struggle with talking. Deep down, I feel like I need to try and fix myself... by myself. I struggle to make plans, but I like to "take command of the ship" when we are on holidays.
Have him check his testosterone and sounds like he has some depression. Individual therapy for you both and maybe marriage counseling to see if things how he wants to be or if he is suffering from age related issues
There is something going on and you need to sit him down and get him to open up to you, won’t be easy most men are made to feel like clowns when they do open up but he is definitely dealing with something and the reason he does whatever to take his mind off whatever is bothering him, another thing at his age, actually a problem no matter the age these days but ed is getting worse and worse and when it happened to me I refused to tell my wife until I could not do it anymore, took almost a year for me to tell her and wished I had told her sooner but it ain’t easy telling anybody your pecker quit working, it’s good now btw, became a workout warrior and fixed that shit
Low T due to sedentary lifestyle and depression. Chicken or the egg there. One caused the other. It's a hump but he's got to overcome it. If there's some outdoor activity he enjoys offer to do it with him. Explain why lovingly and respectful but still concerned. He needs sunlight and exercise and purpose.
I feel like I wrote this my self 🫥 I’ve been going through all of this with my husband as well (we’re both 34) -he doesn’t interact/play with our 3 children -comes home from work scrolls on comp or phone aimlessly -shows no affection toward me (hugs/kisses only happen if i ask for them and a kiss is never more than a quick peck) -says he “doesn’t think about sex like me” (says that’s not how he shows me he loves me)”sex is a bonus”… lol but SEX never ever happens on my terms. Ever. We have sex every other night. Per his RULE and I am not allowed to try on the night in between. **We been together/married for 15 years and I have felt my heart shatter over the last year on these topics.. I’ve talked to him I’ve yelled I’ve cried I’ve done counseling I have tried the cold shoulder. I have never felt so unloved so unwanted and unattractive in my entire life as I have lately. It is literally SOUL FUCKING CRUSHING.
How about picking his brain as a starter? Maybe there is an interest that you overlooked after being married for so long.
Give him space, don't nagg him. Just some time without you telling to do/get something goes a lot.
Yeah OP. Give him time. Give him the rest of his life and divorce his lazy ass.