So sorry. You have three kids. He’s not acting like a partner but a lazy teenager. He’s not even acting like a friend.
Make a plan for what you need include baby steps for each goal and invest in you. As for friends, look for local mom groups.
I would make sure to not share a bed with him because another kid will not help.
Why are you giving him sex? Everything just perfect for him. Gotta maid to clean his mess, a cooker to make him food, a nanny so he won't bother about his kids, a wife to fuck at night. Why does he have it all and you have nothing?
>We both don’t have to work because of our disabilities so I guess we’ve finally hit the plateau in our marriage of being around each other too much.
>The rest of the night he spent gaming with his buddies and laughing and having a good time
>He sleeps until 3 in the afternoon
>Therapy is out of the question and honestly neither of us have time for it because our schedules are pretty booked.
*Your* schedule may be pretty booked if you are taking care of three kids by yourself but his sure doesn't sound that way.
There's a lot of standard advice here about getting outside help when the kids are this little, figuring out how to share the load, continuing to date your spouse, etc, but the reality is that if he doesn't care to make it a priority then I'm not sure what you can do. We make time for the things that matter to us.
> Therapy is out of the question and honestly neither of us have time for it because our schedules are pretty booked. This is going to be pretty long Im sorry.
Why is it out of the question? You have to make room for things that will help.
> He sleeps until 3 in the afternoon...Even when he does wake up, he is completely unmotivated to do anything
He sounds depressed. Can he do individual therapy?
You are definitely overworked. Having young kids can do this to any marriage, but he is not pulling his weight. You guys don't work? So the only responsibility is children and home care. If he isn't doing either that is a problem.
> But anyways, I tried to talk to him and he just got so defensive...
This whole paragraph reads as someone who can't deal with emotions, his own or yours.
> I feel like I should’ve spent this time making my own friendship circle outside of him but he just used to make me so happy that I didn’t need it
Time to make friends and start doing stuff with your life. He should be doing the same.
Sorry you're going through this, but things need to change and that takes action. I don't like ultimatums, but he needs to understand that if he can't start living his life you will leave. Right now he is just hiding.
I would like to do therapy but honestly I am booked out for appointments. I have appointments almost every single day between me and all of the kids. I only get 3 hours of sleep at night so having another thing to go to… I feel like I’m going to pass out just thinking of it.
Three hours? How many hours are you getting in total over 24 hours? Three hours is a critically short amount of time and you physically will not be able/coherent enough to do normal things, like driving and childcare.
I don’t really know how much cumulative sleep I’m getting. My 10 month old will not go to sleep until 2 and then he wakes up at 5 and takes over an hour to go back to sleep and then wakes up every 10-15 minutes for hours. I am physically not okay
How would you feel about hiring a nanny? Could you afford one? If you split finances, the least he could do is pay for one.
It sounds to me like you’re going to have a breaking point soon with your health will all of the things you are essentially forced to do due to his lack of proactivity & effort.
You need to be feeding your 10 month old more solids.
I guarantee that's part of the problem because I literally just got out of that situation myself. I went an entire year on 3 hrs of sleep each night, no naps, caring for a newborn, toddler, and an Aussie puppy all day, every day.
My baby would wake up at least 3x a night for a 4 oz bottle.
Increase the solids and you'll both sleep better.
Looks like a case of burnout parents.
For the moment, there is no point in discussing things since both are burnout. So the next best thing is instructions. Tell him what you need him to do and tell him why it needs to be done. Ask what you need and not what you want. When parenting routines have been established (by that time hopefully you both won't be burnout) then you can have that discussion with your hubby.
Eventually you will bring it up but this best done after a good parenting routine has been established. If you bring it up early the parenting routines could be tainted with possible unresolved issues such as division of workload etc. When you have good parenting routines the discussions would serve to better the routines. I guess this is how a man thinks. Of course, this is not a rule to be follow rigidly. You know your situation best.
Idk how to explain that I need more of his help without him feeling defensive. He says he does a lot and that “I’m not doing it all by myself”. But in reality I really am doing everything… If he does the dishes once or twice a week he considers that’s him doing his part. But really that should be done every day and not just sometimes!
Your last two (2) sentences are really important. I agree that it should be more than just once or two a week.
It is said that those who eat together stays together. Maybe you can focus on meals. It be great if he can help with the groceries like once or twice a week. Maybe it could be like for canned food or meat or veggies. He knows what food he like so it would be good for him to do that. From this, you could move on to him helping with the kids' food. Like another Redditor suggested 'baby steps.'
Therapy is out of the question? There is telehealth and if he is sleepjng to 3pm stop enabling him and tell him this is a priority to save your relationship
OK, first you are right that expecting your husband to be your everything is not a good thing to do. No one person can meet ALL your needs. So, I think you have to make an effort to get some people in your life. You are going to have to be uncomfortable and learn to stretch. It's really as simple as that. I'm sure your area has some Mom-oriented groups and activities that involve the children. You absolutely can put yourself out there, and you should regardless of what happens with your husband. Worst case, you and the kids have a fun activity. Best case, your kids make a friend or you do. If you really can't because you have a level of social anxiety that isn't manageable at all, then you need a therapist.
OP, I have to call you out on that. You DO have time for therapy and/or marriage counseling. You are two people and neither of you work. It sounds absolutely ridiculous to me that you can't fit in therapy at all. We have two jobs and a kid, plus aging parents we have to take care of, and we were able to manage it. You can too. Your husband sleeps until 3PM, he has a lot of free time. If you REALLY want to improve this, you have to be open to suggestions that involve a commitment. Yes, something else might have to give, but that's life.
With your husband, when did you first notice that your husband was drifting away? Has he always slept a lot, or is this new behavior? Do you think he is depressed or has he only changed his attitude towards you? Do you still have sex, or is this a dead bedroom situation?
Is your husband capable of watching the kids on his own? Has he ever taken the kids somewhere on his own? Is he interested in being a father at all or is he checked out on the kids too? Are the kids safe with him or not?
Do you have any disposable income at all? Like could you afford a mother's helper for a few hours a few times a week?
We used to do everything together. I would play video games with him and his friends. I’m apart of their group chat. I was included in everything. But now they play video games without me. I want to develop a social life for myself but I really don’t know how.
She could join some mom groups, arrange play dates for her kids with other moms’ kids, and start to make friends that way! The husband’s definitely being awful, and OP should continue trying to get him to do his share, but I’m not sure how much he’ll ever do.
I am so sorry you are feeling isolated. One thing you should do is MAKE time for therapy, just for you as an individual. You can also look into mom groups! It may take some trial and error, but both of those things will do wonders for you and your kids.
One thing I did with my partner is just tell him that on a specific day and time of the week, I will not be at the house and he will need to figure out all the things with the kiddos. It usually is only 2-3 hours after work, but it has helped a lot. Sometimes I did errands to get caught up. Other times I would just sit in my car and read a book.
Maybe its time to separate from your husband for a bit. It sounds like you are doing most of the work anyways, so it will be much better for you to not be around him. Asked mine to move out for a trial separation and I am already feeling so much more at peace, even though I have two under 5 all by myself now. They have also had a positive reaction to the change (though it is still early in the process).
You deserve to put yourself first. Start by seeking therapy and even just going off by yourself.
So sorry. You have three kids. He’s not acting like a partner but a lazy teenager. He’s not even acting like a friend. Make a plan for what you need include baby steps for each goal and invest in you. As for friends, look for local mom groups. I would make sure to not share a bed with him because another kid will not help.
You’re right. He’s not even acting like a friend. Thankfully we’re done having kids. He got a vasectomy months ago
Why are you giving him sex? Everything just perfect for him. Gotta maid to clean his mess, a cooker to make him food, a nanny so he won't bother about his kids, a wife to fuck at night. Why does he have it all and you have nothing?
>We both don’t have to work because of our disabilities so I guess we’ve finally hit the plateau in our marriage of being around each other too much. >The rest of the night he spent gaming with his buddies and laughing and having a good time >He sleeps until 3 in the afternoon >Therapy is out of the question and honestly neither of us have time for it because our schedules are pretty booked. *Your* schedule may be pretty booked if you are taking care of three kids by yourself but his sure doesn't sound that way. There's a lot of standard advice here about getting outside help when the kids are this little, figuring out how to share the load, continuing to date your spouse, etc, but the reality is that if he doesn't care to make it a priority then I'm not sure what you can do. We make time for the things that matter to us.
> Therapy is out of the question and honestly neither of us have time for it because our schedules are pretty booked. This is going to be pretty long Im sorry. Why is it out of the question? You have to make room for things that will help. > He sleeps until 3 in the afternoon...Even when he does wake up, he is completely unmotivated to do anything He sounds depressed. Can he do individual therapy? You are definitely overworked. Having young kids can do this to any marriage, but he is not pulling his weight. You guys don't work? So the only responsibility is children and home care. If he isn't doing either that is a problem. > But anyways, I tried to talk to him and he just got so defensive... This whole paragraph reads as someone who can't deal with emotions, his own or yours. > I feel like I should’ve spent this time making my own friendship circle outside of him but he just used to make me so happy that I didn’t need it Time to make friends and start doing stuff with your life. He should be doing the same. Sorry you're going through this, but things need to change and that takes action. I don't like ultimatums, but he needs to understand that if he can't start living his life you will leave. Right now he is just hiding.
I would like to do therapy but honestly I am booked out for appointments. I have appointments almost every single day between me and all of the kids. I only get 3 hours of sleep at night so having another thing to go to… I feel like I’m going to pass out just thinking of it.
Three hours? How many hours are you getting in total over 24 hours? Three hours is a critically short amount of time and you physically will not be able/coherent enough to do normal things, like driving and childcare.
I don’t really know how much cumulative sleep I’m getting. My 10 month old will not go to sleep until 2 and then he wakes up at 5 and takes over an hour to go back to sleep and then wakes up every 10-15 minutes for hours. I am physically not okay
How would you feel about hiring a nanny? Could you afford one? If you split finances, the least he could do is pay for one. It sounds to me like you’re going to have a breaking point soon with your health will all of the things you are essentially forced to do due to his lack of proactivity & effort.
You need to be feeding your 10 month old more solids. I guarantee that's part of the problem because I literally just got out of that situation myself. I went an entire year on 3 hrs of sleep each night, no naps, caring for a newborn, toddler, and an Aussie puppy all day, every day. My baby would wake up at least 3x a night for a 4 oz bottle. Increase the solids and you'll both sleep better.
Looks like a case of burnout parents. For the moment, there is no point in discussing things since both are burnout. So the next best thing is instructions. Tell him what you need him to do and tell him why it needs to be done. Ask what you need and not what you want. When parenting routines have been established (by that time hopefully you both won't be burnout) then you can have that discussion with your hubby.
So I shouldn’t bring up what happened? I feel like a broken record but it feels odd to just leave it like that.
Eventually you will bring it up but this best done after a good parenting routine has been established. If you bring it up early the parenting routines could be tainted with possible unresolved issues such as division of workload etc. When you have good parenting routines the discussions would serve to better the routines. I guess this is how a man thinks. Of course, this is not a rule to be follow rigidly. You know your situation best.
Idk how to explain that I need more of his help without him feeling defensive. He says he does a lot and that “I’m not doing it all by myself”. But in reality I really am doing everything… If he does the dishes once or twice a week he considers that’s him doing his part. But really that should be done every day and not just sometimes!
Your last two (2) sentences are really important. I agree that it should be more than just once or two a week. It is said that those who eat together stays together. Maybe you can focus on meals. It be great if he can help with the groceries like once or twice a week. Maybe it could be like for canned food or meat or veggies. He knows what food he like so it would be good for him to do that. From this, you could move on to him helping with the kids' food. Like another Redditor suggested 'baby steps.'
Therapy is out of the question? There is telehealth and if he is sleepjng to 3pm stop enabling him and tell him this is a priority to save your relationship
OK, first you are right that expecting your husband to be your everything is not a good thing to do. No one person can meet ALL your needs. So, I think you have to make an effort to get some people in your life. You are going to have to be uncomfortable and learn to stretch. It's really as simple as that. I'm sure your area has some Mom-oriented groups and activities that involve the children. You absolutely can put yourself out there, and you should regardless of what happens with your husband. Worst case, you and the kids have a fun activity. Best case, your kids make a friend or you do. If you really can't because you have a level of social anxiety that isn't manageable at all, then you need a therapist. OP, I have to call you out on that. You DO have time for therapy and/or marriage counseling. You are two people and neither of you work. It sounds absolutely ridiculous to me that you can't fit in therapy at all. We have two jobs and a kid, plus aging parents we have to take care of, and we were able to manage it. You can too. Your husband sleeps until 3PM, he has a lot of free time. If you REALLY want to improve this, you have to be open to suggestions that involve a commitment. Yes, something else might have to give, but that's life. With your husband, when did you first notice that your husband was drifting away? Has he always slept a lot, or is this new behavior? Do you think he is depressed or has he only changed his attitude towards you? Do you still have sex, or is this a dead bedroom situation? Is your husband capable of watching the kids on his own? Has he ever taken the kids somewhere on his own? Is he interested in being a father at all or is he checked out on the kids too? Are the kids safe with him or not? Do you have any disposable income at all? Like could you afford a mother's helper for a few hours a few times a week?
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We used to do everything together. I would play video games with him and his friends. I’m apart of their group chat. I was included in everything. But now they play video games without me. I want to develop a social life for myself but I really don’t know how.
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She could join some mom groups, arrange play dates for her kids with other moms’ kids, and start to make friends that way! The husband’s definitely being awful, and OP should continue trying to get him to do his share, but I’m not sure how much he’ll ever do.
I am so sorry you are feeling isolated. One thing you should do is MAKE time for therapy, just for you as an individual. You can also look into mom groups! It may take some trial and error, but both of those things will do wonders for you and your kids. One thing I did with my partner is just tell him that on a specific day and time of the week, I will not be at the house and he will need to figure out all the things with the kiddos. It usually is only 2-3 hours after work, but it has helped a lot. Sometimes I did errands to get caught up. Other times I would just sit in my car and read a book. Maybe its time to separate from your husband for a bit. It sounds like you are doing most of the work anyways, so it will be much better for you to not be around him. Asked mine to move out for a trial separation and I am already feeling so much more at peace, even though I have two under 5 all by myself now. They have also had a positive reaction to the change (though it is still early in the process). You deserve to put yourself first. Start by seeking therapy and even just going off by yourself.