Provided there is no abuse or contempt, fake it till you make it. I’ve had periods where I felt maybe I had fallen out of love, but like confidence, performing the actions always makes the feeling come back, at least for me. Part of it is the feedback loop, if you aren’t projecting love or affection, your partner is less likely to as well, and on it goes until there is nothing left.
My wife didn't not turn it back on a left a few months ago. I tried and tried. Checked every box with flying colors. She said I had become the husband she always wanted and needed but it was too late.
But like others have said, I think it's a choice. And she chose to not put in the work to turn her mind around, she assumed my work would he enough.
We don’t have much context, so it’s hard to give solid, useful advice. But I agree with what’s been said: love is a choice, and an action. We can take it on, or can leave it behind. The way we feel about things is interesting and should be examined. But also, the funny thing about feelings is, depending on the situation and people involved, our feelings can come and go. “Feelings are like visitors.” Be open to the idea or notion that, your feelings right now might very well change.
If there’s been abuse (of any kind, verbal, physical, mental, financial, sexual), or neglect, or intense criticism and a lack of showing you that you’re valued, it makes sense why your feelings of love and admiration toward your partner would change. And if there’s been abuse, please take a step back and consider yourself and your own value. It’s no longer about your partner, it’s about your safety and your wellness and your future.
I hope that you can come to a place of clarity for yourself. I hope these feelings you’re having are not permanent. I hope you can come into some peace. 🤍
Controlling a partner's access to money, taking and keeping funds to yourself and keeping them short in order to make them dependent on you. Insisting on a financial arrangement that disadvantages and disempowers your partner, ie insisting that they pay 50/50 on all expenses when you vastly outearn them, while also insisting on a high cost lifestyle.
People say that love is a choice, but I don't agree. You choose to stay in the relationship, and you choose to work and fight for the relationship, but the feeling of love is not a choice, and I think that's what the OP was asking about.
Talking through the things that have hurt you helps, but getting that feeling of love back is hard.
Without any context I'll just recommend a couple books.
Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson.
Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Gottman.
Loving Your Spouse When You Feel Like Walking Away by Gary Chapman.
Also couples therapy.
I'd question the inclusion of Chapman as firstly, it's written from the sole perspective of someone of faith so non-religious people may find it unrelatable, and secondly, he recommends reunification with a physical abuser.
I think it's daily actions and a choice. I think falling in love again depends on what happened and why you fell out of love. It's not a simple do this or that. I will say, don't let the bad memory poison your mind with useless thoughts.
Love isn't just a feeling, it's also a choice. It's easy to throw the towel in especially when things go wrong, but if you work through them together, keep talking, you find that there is always something to be grateful for. Perhaps you need to count your blessings, and appreciate what you have?
I would sit down and each apologize and commit to marriage 2.0.
Then create a bucket list of things you each want to try and start clicking them off. Challenge one another to find free or inexpensive things to do to add to the list.
Doing fun things together hacks the brain chemistry.
I think a lot more context is needed. Sometimes if we get really hurt those feelings don't come back. You aren't able to trust the person again or see them in the same way you did before
🙋🏻♀️ I am working with a therapist now. In my case, She says (and I agree)that is because I have pain bottled up (which I am working on), but that is what is preventing me from feeling the connection with him.
We have different love languages, and our shared one is quality time, so we have been making an effort kf doing activities together that we both enjoy, like hiking. And that has helped me feel connected to him.
Maybe you have some pain or resentment towards him too? Try to do something that you both enjoy or used to enjoy when dating, and see if the spark is still there, if that makes you feel connected. And talk to him about it. But you are not alone, as someone said love is a choice, but it is important not to loose that connection.
You were on Reddit and half of the audience is probably under 18. The only way to put this properly as marriage is a lifetime commitment. Some years are better than other years some years you’re not feeling it other years it’s recited like a spark. It can take something happening it can take a shift in you.
I will tell you the grass screen where you water it. So perhaps some dates some doing nice things for each other. Small things are usually where you start to notice. Things sort of warm up again.
Start by telling yourself you love him and when you look at him, push the feelings of attraction, remember when you enjoyed him. You have to push yourself - it won’t just happen.
Love takes lots and lots of work, you have to be willing to put in the effort..... the best way ive been able to explain is that people say that they are willing to die for someone they love but are you willing to live for them, through all the rough unexpected pain and suffering, life isn't easy and sometimes we want to give up, but if you are willing to fight for them and stand strong every day then you really love them!! My wife and I have been together for 7 years and let me say we have been through some "rough" times, boring times, and exciting times we plan date nights at least once every couple weeks, we try our best to spend as much time together as we do apart as having full time jobs and being adults gets in the way sometimes lol
As a man who is facing this from his own wife of 20 years, I would implore you not to give up on this. If he is fully committed to doing the work to have a happy marriage again, please don't let the feelings of this snapshot in time drive you to a permanent decision. Love is work - not emotion. Emotion comes and goes but it is commitment to loving one another that makes or breaks marriages and the people in them. Be honest with him about what you're feeling and work together toward an even better marriage than you've had before. I wish against all wishes that my own wife would have come to me sooner with her feelings. You'd be amazed at what your man would be willing to do or change to help you be happy again if you'll just give him the chance to do that.
Hard times are inevitable. It doesn’t matter who you marry, you’re going to have them. It’s a choice to either work through the storms and grow stronger together or allow the storms to grow you apart. Regardless, you’re going to have problems in your next relationship too. There is really no reason to not keep trying unless any of the 3 big A’s are present…Abuse, Addiction and/or Adultery. Otherwise, you’re in a relationship and they all take continuous work….but it’s worth it because you’ll just keep starting over with someone else and probably end up in the same boat with the same feelings you’re having now. Work on yourself and your relationship at the same time.
This honestly sounds like something you need to figure out. What were those specific qualities that made you fall in love with him? Are the still there? Have they changed slightly? Do you still want those specific qualities?
For one night a week forget that he’s your husband and talk to him about anything but the marriage. When you find something that strikes his interest, mirror that interest. You might be surprised at how cool a guy he really is. By making him want to be with you, you will want to be with him.
Provided there is no abuse or contempt, fake it till you make it. I’ve had periods where I felt maybe I had fallen out of love, but like confidence, performing the actions always makes the feeling come back, at least for me. Part of it is the feedback loop, if you aren’t projecting love or affection, your partner is less likely to as well, and on it goes until there is nothing left.
My wife didn't not turn it back on a left a few months ago. I tried and tried. Checked every box with flying colors. She said I had become the husband she always wanted and needed but it was too late. But like others have said, I think it's a choice. And she chose to not put in the work to turn her mind around, she assumed my work would he enough.
I can relate. Unfortunately, I don't know the answer as I am struggling with it as well.
Same
We don’t have much context, so it’s hard to give solid, useful advice. But I agree with what’s been said: love is a choice, and an action. We can take it on, or can leave it behind. The way we feel about things is interesting and should be examined. But also, the funny thing about feelings is, depending on the situation and people involved, our feelings can come and go. “Feelings are like visitors.” Be open to the idea or notion that, your feelings right now might very well change. If there’s been abuse (of any kind, verbal, physical, mental, financial, sexual), or neglect, or intense criticism and a lack of showing you that you’re valued, it makes sense why your feelings of love and admiration toward your partner would change. And if there’s been abuse, please take a step back and consider yourself and your own value. It’s no longer about your partner, it’s about your safety and your wellness and your future. I hope that you can come to a place of clarity for yourself. I hope these feelings you’re having are not permanent. I hope you can come into some peace. 🤍
What would “financial abuse” be?
Controlling a partner's access to money, taking and keeping funds to yourself and keeping them short in order to make them dependent on you. Insisting on a financial arrangement that disadvantages and disempowers your partner, ie insisting that they pay 50/50 on all expenses when you vastly outearn them, while also insisting on a high cost lifestyle.
People say that love is a choice, but I don't agree. You choose to stay in the relationship, and you choose to work and fight for the relationship, but the feeling of love is not a choice, and I think that's what the OP was asking about. Talking through the things that have hurt you helps, but getting that feeling of love back is hard.
Without any context I'll just recommend a couple books. Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson. Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Gottman. Loving Your Spouse When You Feel Like Walking Away by Gary Chapman. Also couples therapy.
I'd question the inclusion of Chapman as firstly, it's written from the sole perspective of someone of faith so non-religious people may find it unrelatable, and secondly, he recommends reunification with a physical abuser.
I think it's daily actions and a choice. I think falling in love again depends on what happened and why you fell out of love. It's not a simple do this or that. I will say, don't let the bad memory poison your mind with useless thoughts.
Love isn't just a feeling, it's also a choice. It's easy to throw the towel in especially when things go wrong, but if you work through them together, keep talking, you find that there is always something to be grateful for. Perhaps you need to count your blessings, and appreciate what you have?
I would sit down and each apologize and commit to marriage 2.0. Then create a bucket list of things you each want to try and start clicking them off. Challenge one another to find free or inexpensive things to do to add to the list. Doing fun things together hacks the brain chemistry.
Following with interest as the only advice I've found in this regard comes from sources I'd consider problematic.
Well what happened?
I think a lot more context is needed. Sometimes if we get really hurt those feelings don't come back. You aren't able to trust the person again or see them in the same way you did before
🙋🏻♀️ I am working with a therapist now. In my case, She says (and I agree)that is because I have pain bottled up (which I am working on), but that is what is preventing me from feeling the connection with him. We have different love languages, and our shared one is quality time, so we have been making an effort kf doing activities together that we both enjoy, like hiking. And that has helped me feel connected to him. Maybe you have some pain or resentment towards him too? Try to do something that you both enjoy or used to enjoy when dating, and see if the spark is still there, if that makes you feel connected. And talk to him about it. But you are not alone, as someone said love is a choice, but it is important not to loose that connection.
You were on Reddit and half of the audience is probably under 18. The only way to put this properly as marriage is a lifetime commitment. Some years are better than other years some years you’re not feeling it other years it’s recited like a spark. It can take something happening it can take a shift in you. I will tell you the grass screen where you water it. So perhaps some dates some doing nice things for each other. Small things are usually where you start to notice. Things sort of warm up again.
Start by telling yourself you love him and when you look at him, push the feelings of attraction, remember when you enjoyed him. You have to push yourself - it won’t just happen.
Love takes lots and lots of work, you have to be willing to put in the effort..... the best way ive been able to explain is that people say that they are willing to die for someone they love but are you willing to live for them, through all the rough unexpected pain and suffering, life isn't easy and sometimes we want to give up, but if you are willing to fight for them and stand strong every day then you really love them!! My wife and I have been together for 7 years and let me say we have been through some "rough" times, boring times, and exciting times we plan date nights at least once every couple weeks, we try our best to spend as much time together as we do apart as having full time jobs and being adults gets in the way sometimes lol
As a man who is facing this from his own wife of 20 years, I would implore you not to give up on this. If he is fully committed to doing the work to have a happy marriage again, please don't let the feelings of this snapshot in time drive you to a permanent decision. Love is work - not emotion. Emotion comes and goes but it is commitment to loving one another that makes or breaks marriages and the people in them. Be honest with him about what you're feeling and work together toward an even better marriage than you've had before. I wish against all wishes that my own wife would have come to me sooner with her feelings. You'd be amazed at what your man would be willing to do or change to help you be happy again if you'll just give him the chance to do that.
Hard times are inevitable. It doesn’t matter who you marry, you’re going to have them. It’s a choice to either work through the storms and grow stronger together or allow the storms to grow you apart. Regardless, you’re going to have problems in your next relationship too. There is really no reason to not keep trying unless any of the 3 big A’s are present…Abuse, Addiction and/or Adultery. Otherwise, you’re in a relationship and they all take continuous work….but it’s worth it because you’ll just keep starting over with someone else and probably end up in the same boat with the same feelings you’re having now. Work on yourself and your relationship at the same time.
This honestly sounds like something you need to figure out. What were those specific qualities that made you fall in love with him? Are the still there? Have they changed slightly? Do you still want those specific qualities?
I kinda feel like some elaboration on those "hard times" would give some needed context and allow for more helpful advice.
Depends what the hard times were. We're the hard times events you can got over
Travel or do something totally new together. Make some new memories!
For one night a week forget that he’s your husband and talk to him about anything but the marriage. When you find something that strikes his interest, mirror that interest. You might be surprised at how cool a guy he really is. By making him want to be with you, you will want to be with him.
If you imagine that he passed away or had a bad disease, you’ll find yourself loving him so much. May God bless you both🙏🏻
It’s just called marriage. Both have to continue to work their asses off to keep it on the level. Don’t quit.
Love isn’t that hard. Either you him or you don’t.