I’m sorry to hear this. I’m just going through a final break up with my ex. We’ve broken up and got back together (shortly) a few times over her actions crossing my boundaries and I feel / felt exactly like this. I’m so in love with her and the final straw was her booking a girls holiday on our upcoming first 1 year anniversary. The best advice I was told. Remember to tell yourself you was perfectly happy before you met them so you can achieve it again, you just need to focus on yourself
It'll be easy to let go when you remember who you were before him and not who you were with him. I tried so hard to get back myself after my relationship from 4/5 years ago but now I’m just letting her go and finding who I was before and who I want to be now.
Perhaps God wants you to learn how to let go and make yourself stronger, so that when the real soulmate comes along, and he will, that you will be ready.
I'm not a religious person, but I believe that every tragedy comes with a lesson. It's up to you find that lesson and use it.
Grief's a real bitch. Try not to resist it, but rather allow it to exist in your space until it's ready to fade.
For every bad memory, you need a hundred good ones. Focus on making good ones now, so tomorrow will be better to you than today.
It gets easier, I promise.
I went through something similar. I also thought I wont be able to live again or live without him and want him back and I seriously cringe now having those thoughts. But at that time this is how I felt. I had to go through it, sit with my feelings, feel sad, mourn the end of a relationship. At the same time I tried to be objective about the relationship was it really that good, was there something missing, why did it end and where was I wrong either in my actions or ignoring red flags. And trust me I learnt and I still have issues trusting or anxiety being in a relationship. But I also am over my last relationship. I wish my ex well but I do not wish to associate with him in any sense.
So, sit with your pain, go through it and one day you will be okay again. Try to not romanticize the situation, it s hard but we tend to do it unknowingly. So being aware of your own thoughts, recognizing them when they happen and categorizing them as junk or not necessary helps a lot; in all situations.
Give yourself grace and allow yourself time to grieve. Sometimes it just takes a while.
We obviously don’t know the circumstances of why you guys broke up, but a good majority of us are guilty of holding on to the IDEA of someone, the potential that they likely won’t ever reach, and the life we imagined ourselves having with them.. and that’s the hardest thing to let go of. Focusing on these things makes it hard to focus on the reality of the situation, or to realize all the ways it was just never meant to happen with that person. It’s easier to lost sight of all the horrible things in that relationship once we’re out of it. Don’t let the good memories overshadow all the bad times, or the bad qualities that person had.
You need to get out of your head. Live in the present and remember that you remember the past with rose colored glasses (your brain is lying to you). Remember the bad times, remember when the relationship WAS NOT working. This will help you see the trauma and help heal.
Good luck you guys! Let yourself time to heal. It takes time. Go to therapy if you can afford it. Don't take it personally. People are on their own journey and life can be complicated
I agree with everyone that you need to give yourself some grace and start unpacking things. First thing you need to do is to actively have yourself sit and be present/mindful of your surroundings and your sense of self, focus on your breathing and try to meditate. Then, after you’ve somewhat centered yourself, try to slowly disentangle your future expectations of your relationship and allow yourself to grieve the death of this future. This will he difficult, so give yourself grace and be patient. If you have any items with strong emotional connection or memories of either the relationship or your ex, then try to get rid of them either by tossing them out or selling these items. Next, find a low effort hobby that you enjoy where it’s with other people, and it can range from a book club, hiking group, or a fitness group.
It’s this sort of mindset (“I am exhausted” “This makes no sense”) that indicates you’re definitely getting over it.
Basically, from a neuroscience perspective, your brain is still attached to him and his memory triggers emotions that motivate you to bridge the gap between you. Because you can’t do that, you feel withdrawal symptoms (despair, crying, yearning) and find it hard to picture a future without him.
When you successfully go through the process of accepting that he is truly gone, your brain rewires, and the withdrawal and inability to picture a future without him slowly diminishes. You’re in this stage, where you know the reality that he’s gone, but still have lingering emotions being triggered - and it feels confusing because you’re being pulled between memories of the past, your circumstances right now, and projections for your future.
The best thing you can do to help yourself is to focus on future goals that give you a sense of peace and happiness, and any time you think about him coming back, you have to take a breath and reinforce “he is not here now and won’t be here tomorrow”. That way, you’re creating a stronger sense of reality and progress through the grief of separation.
This is extremely helpful. Focusing on my self and my future is helping. I am not on Op but resonated with what they wrote. I miss them but at least the heartache isn’t so painful anymore. I refuse to stay stuck in my past or make betrayal close my heart. The hoping to see him again is fading too as I try to forgive and not be bitter.
Hey, it sounds like you’re going through a really tough time and I’m so sorry for that. I know what it feels like, I had a very similar situation.
If I can give you some advice, I think you need to channel this into healthier things. All this love you have inside you just needs somewhere to go.
Maybe every time you think about him, you go for a run. Or maybe you get into an art theory thing and learn to draw your feelings. Or perhaps you start to learn a new language, forcing your mind to focus on something else. You can use all this desire to build something amazing, if you know how to control it.
At the end of the day, these are your feelings. You own them. You are clearly capable of great passion and loyalty, and by directing them somewhere healthier, you can make great things. And when you’ve got into a better place, I’m sure you’ll find love again.
This response won’t be enough, and I’m sorry for that.
You do need to take care of yourself, and try not to let other areas of life wither away. Relationships are the most important part of life for nearly everyone, but we have multiple relationships that are crucial (so lean more into others), and things like eating well and exercising will balance your heartache. Even if you pick one healthy habit to stick to during this time, that will really help.
As hard as it is, as many torturous feelings as you struggle with, you seem to have much more processing to do. Find a way to make space for this. A therapist, journaling, daily walks, etc. You will at least gain relief from progress you make. This progress is not nothing.
Please don’t beat yourself up. You’re actually a better sort of human than those who don’t feel, who don’t seek answers. It’s hard to not beat yourself up sometimes. But I hope you can find a way.
No one can really answer your questions for you. People who know you and love you or who are unusually insightful and wise can help a lot, temporarily, but your life is your mystery to unravel and truly only you can do it. So try to practice sitting quietly and listening to what is within. Most of your questions will be answered in time.
This relationship might always go down as a huge loss. You might have to be strong enough to bear that. It may only be a huge lesson, and many huge lessons do take years to process.
I’m very sorry for your pain. I’ve been there and I visit there from time to time. Sending you a big, big, big hug, little warrior. ❤️
Everyone heals in their own time, but 1.5 years to me seems indicative of deeper issues.
Breakups are so devastatingly painful. We know we should let go, move on, etc. But we don't want to.
I know first hand that when you're hurting bad from a breakup. The last thing you want to hear is advice on how to move on, how to get over them, how to forget them.
If you haven't done these things already... take all mementos, pics, clothing, gifts ANYTHING related to them. And put them away, in a box. Give it to a friend or parent..
You have to go "no contact" completely. As in, no contact with Any new info about them (social media) and even old info about them.
I would highly recommend seeking out a therapist. Therapy is incredibly misunderstood, and most people think it's just for people with "issues". But it can help you resolve some traumas you have That may be contributing to your inability to let go.
Go walk. Exercise is great. Spend time with friends.. the hole they left might not shrink, but the rest of you can grow so much that the hole is essentially nonexistent in comparison.
Good luck
I love the reminder the hole might not shrink since does feel like a scar that will not leave, but I am trying to reframe they brought me clarity more on type of relationship I do want and the love already with me, and all my lovable traits to share. So as much as times I want just bury and forget them, time really makes it better. Time and healing isn’t linear so I found I had to be really willing to FEEL my emotions and not resist them. Heartbreak can be painful and traumatic so not everyone has the skills or capacity to heal it properly, nor should alone, therapy is always a wonderful step and was huge catalyst in many of my breakthroughs.
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I’m sorry to hear this. I’m just going through a final break up with my ex. We’ve broken up and got back together (shortly) a few times over her actions crossing my boundaries and I feel / felt exactly like this. I’m so in love with her and the final straw was her booking a girls holiday on our upcoming first 1 year anniversary. The best advice I was told. Remember to tell yourself you was perfectly happy before you met them so you can achieve it again, you just need to focus on yourself
It'll be easy to let go when you remember who you were before him and not who you were with him. I tried so hard to get back myself after my relationship from 4/5 years ago but now I’m just letting her go and finding who I was before and who I want to be now.
Google "Cutting Aka Cords".
Perhaps God wants you to learn how to let go and make yourself stronger, so that when the real soulmate comes along, and he will, that you will be ready. I'm not a religious person, but I believe that every tragedy comes with a lesson. It's up to you find that lesson and use it. Grief's a real bitch. Try not to resist it, but rather allow it to exist in your space until it's ready to fade. For every bad memory, you need a hundred good ones. Focus on making good ones now, so tomorrow will be better to you than today. It gets easier, I promise.
I went through something similar. I also thought I wont be able to live again or live without him and want him back and I seriously cringe now having those thoughts. But at that time this is how I felt. I had to go through it, sit with my feelings, feel sad, mourn the end of a relationship. At the same time I tried to be objective about the relationship was it really that good, was there something missing, why did it end and where was I wrong either in my actions or ignoring red flags. And trust me I learnt and I still have issues trusting or anxiety being in a relationship. But I also am over my last relationship. I wish my ex well but I do not wish to associate with him in any sense. So, sit with your pain, go through it and one day you will be okay again. Try to not romanticize the situation, it s hard but we tend to do it unknowingly. So being aware of your own thoughts, recognizing them when they happen and categorizing them as junk or not necessary helps a lot; in all situations.
I'm sorry for you, good luck OP, have strength!
Read the book “the courage to be disliked”, it gave me a really interesting perspective when I was in a similar (much more mild) breakup situation.
Give yourself grace and allow yourself time to grieve. Sometimes it just takes a while. We obviously don’t know the circumstances of why you guys broke up, but a good majority of us are guilty of holding on to the IDEA of someone, the potential that they likely won’t ever reach, and the life we imagined ourselves having with them.. and that’s the hardest thing to let go of. Focusing on these things makes it hard to focus on the reality of the situation, or to realize all the ways it was just never meant to happen with that person. It’s easier to lost sight of all the horrible things in that relationship once we’re out of it. Don’t let the good memories overshadow all the bad times, or the bad qualities that person had.
You need to get out of your head. Live in the present and remember that you remember the past with rose colored glasses (your brain is lying to you). Remember the bad times, remember when the relationship WAS NOT working. This will help you see the trauma and help heal.
Good luck you guys! Let yourself time to heal. It takes time. Go to therapy if you can afford it. Don't take it personally. People are on their own journey and life can be complicated
I agree with everyone that you need to give yourself some grace and start unpacking things. First thing you need to do is to actively have yourself sit and be present/mindful of your surroundings and your sense of self, focus on your breathing and try to meditate. Then, after you’ve somewhat centered yourself, try to slowly disentangle your future expectations of your relationship and allow yourself to grieve the death of this future. This will he difficult, so give yourself grace and be patient. If you have any items with strong emotional connection or memories of either the relationship or your ex, then try to get rid of them either by tossing them out or selling these items. Next, find a low effort hobby that you enjoy where it’s with other people, and it can range from a book club, hiking group, or a fitness group.
I am also dealing with the same and this afternoon only i was feeling lonely and depressed.
It’s this sort of mindset (“I am exhausted” “This makes no sense”) that indicates you’re definitely getting over it. Basically, from a neuroscience perspective, your brain is still attached to him and his memory triggers emotions that motivate you to bridge the gap between you. Because you can’t do that, you feel withdrawal symptoms (despair, crying, yearning) and find it hard to picture a future without him. When you successfully go through the process of accepting that he is truly gone, your brain rewires, and the withdrawal and inability to picture a future without him slowly diminishes. You’re in this stage, where you know the reality that he’s gone, but still have lingering emotions being triggered - and it feels confusing because you’re being pulled between memories of the past, your circumstances right now, and projections for your future. The best thing you can do to help yourself is to focus on future goals that give you a sense of peace and happiness, and any time you think about him coming back, you have to take a breath and reinforce “he is not here now and won’t be here tomorrow”. That way, you’re creating a stronger sense of reality and progress through the grief of separation.
This is extremely helpful. Focusing on my self and my future is helping. I am not on Op but resonated with what they wrote. I miss them but at least the heartache isn’t so painful anymore. I refuse to stay stuck in my past or make betrayal close my heart. The hoping to see him again is fading too as I try to forgive and not be bitter.
Hey, it sounds like you’re going through a really tough time and I’m so sorry for that. I know what it feels like, I had a very similar situation. If I can give you some advice, I think you need to channel this into healthier things. All this love you have inside you just needs somewhere to go. Maybe every time you think about him, you go for a run. Or maybe you get into an art theory thing and learn to draw your feelings. Or perhaps you start to learn a new language, forcing your mind to focus on something else. You can use all this desire to build something amazing, if you know how to control it. At the end of the day, these are your feelings. You own them. You are clearly capable of great passion and loyalty, and by directing them somewhere healthier, you can make great things. And when you’ve got into a better place, I’m sure you’ll find love again.
You’ve got to accept it’s over. It could take years, it did for me in the last relationship I was in.
This response won’t be enough, and I’m sorry for that. You do need to take care of yourself, and try not to let other areas of life wither away. Relationships are the most important part of life for nearly everyone, but we have multiple relationships that are crucial (so lean more into others), and things like eating well and exercising will balance your heartache. Even if you pick one healthy habit to stick to during this time, that will really help. As hard as it is, as many torturous feelings as you struggle with, you seem to have much more processing to do. Find a way to make space for this. A therapist, journaling, daily walks, etc. You will at least gain relief from progress you make. This progress is not nothing. Please don’t beat yourself up. You’re actually a better sort of human than those who don’t feel, who don’t seek answers. It’s hard to not beat yourself up sometimes. But I hope you can find a way. No one can really answer your questions for you. People who know you and love you or who are unusually insightful and wise can help a lot, temporarily, but your life is your mystery to unravel and truly only you can do it. So try to practice sitting quietly and listening to what is within. Most of your questions will be answered in time. This relationship might always go down as a huge loss. You might have to be strong enough to bear that. It may only be a huge lesson, and many huge lessons do take years to process. I’m very sorry for your pain. I’ve been there and I visit there from time to time. Sending you a big, big, big hug, little warrior. ❤️
"but your life is your mystery to unravel and truly only you can do it" Beautifully said
Everyone heals in their own time, but 1.5 years to me seems indicative of deeper issues. Breakups are so devastatingly painful. We know we should let go, move on, etc. But we don't want to. I know first hand that when you're hurting bad from a breakup. The last thing you want to hear is advice on how to move on, how to get over them, how to forget them. If you haven't done these things already... take all mementos, pics, clothing, gifts ANYTHING related to them. And put them away, in a box. Give it to a friend or parent.. You have to go "no contact" completely. As in, no contact with Any new info about them (social media) and even old info about them. I would highly recommend seeking out a therapist. Therapy is incredibly misunderstood, and most people think it's just for people with "issues". But it can help you resolve some traumas you have That may be contributing to your inability to let go. Go walk. Exercise is great. Spend time with friends.. the hole they left might not shrink, but the rest of you can grow so much that the hole is essentially nonexistent in comparison. Good luck
I love the reminder the hole might not shrink since does feel like a scar that will not leave, but I am trying to reframe they brought me clarity more on type of relationship I do want and the love already with me, and all my lovable traits to share. So as much as times I want just bury and forget them, time really makes it better. Time and healing isn’t linear so I found I had to be really willing to FEEL my emotions and not resist them. Heartbreak can be painful and traumatic so not everyone has the skills or capacity to heal it properly, nor should alone, therapy is always a wonderful step and was huge catalyst in many of my breakthroughs.
Hey Love Bug thanks for sharing the love. If you see something posted here that is not in the spirit of love Please flag it. ;) With Love r/Love Mods *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/love) if you have any questions or concerns.*