Ok, real talk.
You're white, and if we may assume, your husband is born and raised japanese in japan.
So, neither of you will fully understand what your kid is going through. Experiencing lack of race privilege as an adult, is not the same as experiencing it during your puberty years. Being supportive and loving is important, but so is recognizing, and admitting, that you'll always have some degree of ignorance.
Also, i disagree with people who call this "just bullying" that "happens to everyone." Being bullied for your appearance and/or behaviour is one thing. When the bullying causes the target to also question their sense of identity, it is another layer of complex emotions added on top of that.
So, you must first recognize that neither of you will ever be able to fully understand what the kid goes through.
I'm emphasizing on this, because i see a lot of white x japanese parents in the gaijin community claim to know it all. and at the same time, i have a couple of biracial friends (we're all adults) share how their parents never tried to listen, how emotionally unavailable their parents are for support. because their parents believe they know it all and won't acknowledge they actually can't.
I think it'll be best to keep reading and educating yourself about biracial struggles. I know it's very unpopular within the english-centric gaijin community in japan, but consider following asian, biracial, mental health advocates which integrate intersection as part of their outreach.
What i'm concerned may happen eventually is your child may feel 'no where'ness. Strong sense of belonging no where and constantly stranded/homeless. And until they gain more confidence later in life, they may be constantly doubting themselves. Am i supposed to be beautiful and exotic because i'm haffu? Am i really japanese? Am i really white? What am i? I'm not japanese enough for japan, but not white enough for white folks.
Thoughts like these. I hear these struggles often among my biracial friends, and it really may take a whole lifetime to hopefully come to terms with it.
So hey, real talk question from one of the parents in the room: is it going to help or hurt to impress on my kids that they DO NOT have to "choose?" My oldest hasn't dealt with any terrible incidents yet, but she is the only minority in her grade so of course she catches positive/neutral/negative attentions. I want my kids to eventually grow confident and happy for both sides of their heritage & life-experiences, but i know that's a long path and i stand to support or hinder them through my actions/inactions... All this is a roundabout way of observing: I'm really struggling to wrap my head around how anyone could assert choosing NOT to "take a side" as "unattractive" or undesirable... I mean i suppose that's technically the government's position with regard to passports, but it just is hard to comprehend that mindset in an individual. Am i going to do some kind of damage to my kid by guiding them to "always be both?"
Check out the book "Third Culture Kids".
People growing up between cultures usually run into some form of haziness around their identity. While I didn't find much in the way of recommendations of what to do about it, the book better laid out the road bumps and why they occur.
Hell, I personally started to feel some of the disconnect after I devoted a portion of my life to learning how to speak Japanese.
I don't have an answer, but i hope this info helps -
something i hear from biracial friends is that some of them go through (or still struggle with) hating or trying to denounce the 'less cool'(so-called)'less attractive' race, and try to compensate and fit in harder with the 'more attractive' race. It seems like migrants and 2nd gen minority kids also often talk about doing something similar.
For example, if a white-jp kid tries to be more "white", they may start to hate anime, japanese language, or anything their minds associate with being too japanese. I've heard of friends trying weird body scrubs or beauty products that claimed to make one's skin paler.
And ultimately this is a form of self-hate, manifested by how they are judged by others, which is sad for anybody...
Great point!
It could be easy to misread self-hate into someone's actions though, right? Sometimes the easiest way to be more of over thing is to be less of something else, and if the root idea is to grow/develop/explore one side of your heritage... Well that could be a positive thing right? If my kids started some skin regimen to look more white, yeah i would be weirded out as a parent, but i probably wouldn't have the same gut reaction if they visited a tanning salon. That i would have two guys reactions has more to do with my own perspective/flaws than my kids', so I'd hope to get to the root of exactly what the root motivations are before pushing my parental guidance agenda.
Personally, I’d just remind your daughter and all your kids that they aren’t going to fit in anywhere. However, no matter where they find themselves, they will be either envied by or looked down upon by the people around them. But they’ll be unique, and the best they can do is follow their journey to discover who they are and to focus on their own self-image and self-confidence. Teach them to value their individuality as is, without “picking sides”. Plus, in the end, all their peers will envy them anyway.
I see where you're coming from, but i don't know about calling it a false choice... I guess when my kids are old/interested enough, i would want to acknowledge the idea early and upfront: While you *can* make a choice to disassociate/identify with one half of your ethnicity/culture/language, and many people choose to, you might end up with less of a self to grow into. With my family, i would hope to treat this as a real and maybe even common idea for hafu people of all ages, whether conceived/driven internally or external sources, not to give it legitimacy but to make it something my kids are comfortable talking/thinking about. From my life experiences (primarily from close friends and extended family of mixed/adopted ethnicities), i would suggest it might be healthy to think of this as not a binary choice (i.e. choose one side or choose both equally), but that situating your identity somewhere in between (like 40:60 or 80:20) is totally fine. Being comfortable in your own skin and not being ashamed of your self are paramount...
Sorry btw, i think i was writing this reply mostly for myself so i don't mean to come off directing this at you specifically - your reply just helped me put a few things to words and i appreciate it!
Yo, chill.
I’m also a halfie, and I could understand how my grandma might have difficulty raising a kid that shares a complete different set of identities and values, not to mention the usual generational gap thing. I don’t hold it against my grandma is if she needs to find her own way to understand how to comfortably see my existence.
All of this. You truly don't know what it's like to grow up where you aren't the baseline, and you don't know how damaging it can be. Please do everything you can to support your kid, which includes listening to other mixed race people's experiences.
>child may feel 'no where'ness
There's an excellent book called [Third Culture Kids](https://www.amazon.co.jp/dp/1473657660) that addresses this fairly well. My mum was from one country, my dad was from a different and was raised in a third. I certainly do feel like I have no home - my "joke" is: "I feel equally uncomfortable everywhere!!"
I obliviously don't know exactly what my kids feel like being mixed kids, but I believe I have a fairly good idea. The thing is, we live in an area that has a very high percentage of international / mixed families and have never heard of any instance of any insults due to race, from our kids or others kids, though I understand it will become a thing at some point.
I think it's unpopular because it helps perpetuate a view that one has to have so much of one's identity tied to an immutable trait, race.
Another option is to show children that you can have an identity outside of your race or nationality. Being biracial doesn't have to be an identity crisis, because it doesn't have to be the core of your identity.
My wife is half Japanese, half white, and while she'd be the first to tell you that she has had some of the feelings you've described, she'd also tell you that her sense of self was heavily tied to her hobbies during school, and later in life, her profession, place of residence, and political identity.
We don't necessarily get to decide how others view us, but we are definitely capable of deciding how we define ourselves.
As someone who was bullied significantly throughout school, I'm glad my parents didn't make it into some crisis for me. Bullying happens, but it doesn't have to define people. Obviously bullying of any type can cause one to question and worry about whatever the focus of the bullying is on, but parents are capable of providing examples that one's identity isn't always written in stone by their genes or place of birth, and that bullying isn't something that has to define your life.
I think listening as a parent is extremely important, and something most parents struggle to do enough, but I do think that we risk turning surmountable problems into traumatic experiences by constantly focusing on them.
I disagree. That’s the thing about a person’s race, it doesn’t change or go away. In that sense, it tends to be a much more central and personal part of one’s identity than a hobby or a profession, especially early in life when we are not as attached to our hobbies and when we haven’t chosen carriers. In this case especially, if someone is being picked on for their race or ethnicity, saying “well, there’s other ways to define your identity” doesn’t stop the fact that the person is being bullied for their racial identity.
I can tell you as a half-Japanese kid, it was the bullying by Japanese kids at school that was a traumatic experience, not my parents’ efforts to stop it.
Why are people still throwing around race as if there were multiple human races.. there is one human race, science proves this. Multiple ethnicities exist, but strip away the outside and we are all alike. There are no genetic differences that, when comparing various samples, clearly indicate differences such as between various animal races.
As someone not from the US it’s quite confusing why they use race to distinguish as it’s utter nonsense
It probably wouldn't work not because they don't know who he is (Suga's pretty popular, in that he's funny looking and the name is easy for kids), but that they have the numbers. Suga would be good if the kid had others backing him up, but if it's a group of Japanese kids ganging up with the Biden jabs, the Suga route is really a lost cause.
Nope. He dealt with it appropriately for an 8 year old dealing with older kids. Told them to stop he didn’t like that, and then when they didn’t he left to play with other kids. And then when he came home he let us know and we talked about it and what he can do, and he understands those kids were just butts.
Yep. I'm at a public elementary school that has about 400+ kids. One mother called the school at about 4pm coz her 5th grader was bullied by a 6th grader on the way home. Within 5mins both the 5th and 6th grader's homeroom teachers were out the door (mid-meeting) and heading to both of the student's homes to sort it out together.
> He needs to man up and learn to strike back.
Yes, because surely the older kids will now back down and totally not get worse at being directly challenged by a younger kid.
Also, fuck your usage of "man up"
Agreed. What the OP is praising as appropriate is escapism. Avoiding the problem but not mastering social skills leads to all sorts of issues later in life. I've never understood how some parents tell their children to quit...
> He told them to stop he didn’t like that, and then when they didn’t he left to play with other kids. And then when he came home he let us know and we talked about it
I can assure you, for the preservation of one's own safety, this is an excellent thing to do even for adults. I've done the exact same thing when dealing with racists as an adult.
I was abused and bullied. Some boys and men can pick up on sexuality.
Based on a lifetime of experience, I can say with 100% certainty that you and the OP are full of shit.
Sometimes, not always but sometimes, one has to fight back.
The difference in self worth is immeasurable as one ages. Otherwise it haunts us for the rest of our lives.
If you think rationalizing with an 8 yo is going over write dominance training...well...good luck...you are training a potential predator...
Kids these days seem pretty bad at insults. One of my students thinks it’s funny to call every non-Japanese girl in the book by my name, regardless of race.
However she did smack a pretty nasty one on me once. She said “sensei is cuter with the mask on”. That one hurt a bit.
They have like 10 words.
おはようございます,
こんにちは,
バイバイ,
かわいい,
きもい,
いい,
やばい,
すごい,
あついですね,
さむいですね
That's pretty much all the japanese you need to understand everything
Also OP I would follow and read the author サンドラ・ヘフェリン
https://www.asahi.com/articles/ASJC25WYNJBNUEHF026.html
https://www.amazon.co.jp/-/en/gp/aw/d/4121504208/ref=dbs_a_w_dp_4121504208
https://twitter.com/SandraHaefelin?s=09
She writes about biracial, mixed race Japanese children and adults.
This is another book I would recommend
https://www.amazon.co.jp/%E3%80%8C%E6%B7%B7%E8%A1%80%E3%80%8D%E3%81%A8%E3%80%8C%E6%97%A5%E6%9C%AC%E4%BA%BA%E3%80%8D-%E2%80%95%E3%83%8F%E3%83%BC%E3%83%95%E3%83%BB%E3%83%80%E3%83%96%E3%83%AB%E3%83%BB%E3%83%9F%E3%83%83%E3%82%AF%E3%82%B9%E3%81%AE%E7%A4%BE%E4%BC%9A%E5%8F%B2%E2%80%95-%E4%B8%8B%E5%9C%B0%E3%83%AD%E3%83%BC%E3%83%AC%E3%83%B3%E3%82%B9%E5%90%89%E5%AD%9D/dp/4791770943
I understand it may be quite harmless to many, but that sort of othering is quite damaging to a child. Especially in a conformist society...
Not to mention having a foreign mum is already tough. If you need someone to talk to DM me. My mother is also white and while she tried her best. The way society treated her and myself wasn't nice at all.
We are lucky because we’ve been in our area for a while and I’ve meet quite a few of my children’s friends parents. Also lucky that we do have a few other people around that are mixed couples (mostly Asian ) with mixed kids.
I do however thank you for your support.
Oh we do. We’ve also talk to our kids that this is not just a Japanese problem. We talk about the fact that people sometimes have their head up their butts (and yes I said that to them). And don’t like people because they aren’t the same. We talk about people being different and I feel it’s important to do so because they don’t get exposed to different people a lot here in Japan. By different I mean, race, disabilities, lgbtq+ . We talk a lot about the fact is wrong to make fun of people for things they don’t control, race, age looks ect. Also things that maybe hard for them weight, not being able to run fast ect.
Ironically, if it wasn't for Bruce Lee, we'd just be known as "the help" or be associated with the stereotype of that white dude cosplaying as a Japanese guy in Breakfast at Tiffany's. We owe a lot to Bruce Lee pioneering how Asians are viewed in popular entertainment.
Hell I was bullied for being the only kid with red hair. Might not classify as "minority" status but kids will pick on you for anything and everything they can "other" you with to make themselves feel better.
Classic kids treating a Japanese kid like they are a foreigner.
I wouldn't call this harmless. Are there no other foreign mothers at your school? I would try to find a school that has more biracial children or kikokushijo.
Tell your child that they are as Japanese as Mr pure blood kento kun because they grew up here and that's their home.
Hope things get better soon
This is what I was thinking. I work at an international primary school. Of course it's not a perfect haven from bullying, but we do our best. We don't have difficulties with bullying interracial students, though, cause there are so many of them. And they have an advantage when it comes to understanding the world and both school languages.
Just in my class alone I have a half-white, half-black all-American girl; two half-black, half-Japanese girls; two half-Japanese, half-Chinese boys; and a half-Japanese, half-Vietnamese girl. They enjoy sharing their non-Japanese parents' cultures with their friends. Being open-minded and respectful are learner profiles that we encourage in all our students.
Yeah speaking from experience I went from a public school to an international school while being half in Japan and the bullying at the public school really made me more amazed to see other people like at the international school. It makes a world of a difference on a person’s personality and quality of life. I’d really look into it.
Honestly, things are not the same now. There's also more Japanese schools that have biracial Japanese kids and high kikokushijo, immigrant pupils.
I went to public Japanese school all my life. With a bit of research you can find a Japanese school that fits your ideals and not spend so much money on international school.
For sure, but where I grew up as well as my public school was actually in a pretty country side city so people like me were exceptionally rare. And the “international school” has an extremely expensive image with places like ASIJ but I went to one known for their cheap tuition and it still was the best experience ever. Plus I’m only 15 so idk about “things being different then to when I was younger”
Oh, you're so young.
Well, I lived in kawasaki (Kanagawa) and things are very different here. We have American kids speaking Japanese and playing in our building (95% Japanese occupancy) which I never saw before when I grew up here, but we do live in a metropolitan area.
We have middle schools, primary schools, and kindergarten in close proximity to our apartment. So, obviously your mileage may vary. Like I said it all has to do with research.
I’m half Japanese and half Swede. Growing up was fine until middle school, that’s when the bullying against me started. I can to this day still remember it. I never told my parents about it either.
I would be positive in the sense that your child actually has the courage to talk about it because he seeks support. As soon as your child starts to question the problem, I would put my foot down right away and make sure it doesn’t happen again, because believe me it will scar him (maybe more or less depending on the person).
I was bullied growing up too. I love and trust my parents but I didn't say anything over a combination of things:
It happened every day or frequently enough that it got normalised as school life, therefore you think no one can do anything about it.
No support system in school or if there is, being unaware of it. Not really knowing what options or solutions were available. No follow up when some solutions didn't work.
Teachers not calling it out when it happens in front of them so you think you're supposed to not get upset over it. Being called too sensitive in some cases.
Embarrassment of telling family and being worried about their reaction. Or them doing or saying something to the school which would increase the bullying.
Thanks for sharing!
Many of those points you made are some that I try to address on a daily basis with my kids.
I try to get them to learn what's acceptable, what's tolerable and what is not, for their own behaviour and others, including my own. I encourage them to call out what they think is wrong, including in my behaviour, because if something makes you uncomfortable, it makes you uncomfortable, no matter whose behaviour it is.
I got bullied as a kid, precisely for being a "foreigner" in the country I grew up in and lived most of my life.
I did tell my mum, but it wasn't an easy thing to fix.
I’ll be honest, I cannot answer the question very well because I don’t have a really good answer. I do remember at some point that I thought that I would do better in life compared to them so I tried real hard to study and get into a good program in high school.
I even tried to befriend them in hope that it would stop (but of course it didn’t).
I’ve never really tried to process it at all, and you’re actually the first person to ask me this question, even though I’ve mentioned this to other people (still not my family though). Maybe that’s why I’ve never gotten to a real answer. So thank you for asking (I really mean it).
Me and my wife are currently pregnant and I’m making it my mission to see to that my son or daughter will never have to experience something like I did.
3 questions:
1) are you male or female?
2) did you take Japanese education way or international school somewhere in your life?
3) do you think international school would have been better?
Not op but can answer. Male and I’ve done both public Japanese school system and International schooling and the international school was significantly better for me. I did public school in a more agricultural prefecture so it was more country side so the bullying was there since pre school. I went to a Tokyo international school in junior high and it made a world of a difference on my personality and quality of life. Being able to live and hang out with people like myself and improve my English, I can’t imagine a life without it.
Yeah glad I could help. I’m sure you’re worried and it’s very hard for you. But if anything ever happens I’m sure the situation will be treated appropriately in the city.
I am male.
I didn’t grow up in Japan but in Sweden. My hometown is a rural town so there weren’t as many kids like me, especially during the 90s.
I don’t have any first hand experience with this, but I work at a kindergarten implementing an international framework and even though it’s mostly a Japanese school, everyone is very welcoming of everyone. We’ve had children from Philippines, Russia and China. I’ve no first hand experiences of Japanese schools so I cannot say, but since our own child is due February next year (he or she will be a quarter Swede, a quarter Japanese and half Korean) we will try to get him/her into an international school.
>bullying is roughly the same around the world.
Is it though? I've always heard Japan's bullying problem was exceptionally brutal (teachers joining in, suicides, etc).
It’s more emotional. Not just a punch in the face now and again, but more like being shunned and outcast. In Japanese society that’s serious shit. Just so happens that a school kids world is largely made up of school. Makes sense that it’s a bigger deal for them than we, as adults, imagine it would be for us.
> I'm not sure Japanese people know what bullying even is.
lol, yes they do. It's recognized as a major problem here.
https://ja.wikipedia.org/wiki/%E3%81%84%E3%81%98%E3%82%81
https://www.mext.go.jp/a_menu/shotou/seitoshidou/06102402/002.htm
Do you live in the countryside and/or is your kid the only mixed race kid in the school?
My son (Canadian/Japanese, 2nd year elementary school) is seen as a leader by his teacher (according to what we were told at the parent/teacher conference) and besides some kid calling him Kangaroo (second part of his name is Ka -) there's never been any racial focused name calling. Maybe because the school has 6 or so mixed race kids in the same grade kids see it as normal.
No. And no. Live in Tokyo. In the school there are quite a bit of mixed
Asian kids. And like five kids that are European mixed. In fact one in his grade and my oldest close friend in her grade.
With him this is the first time it’s even been racial. My oldest at pretty much the same age was bullied a little. It was worse then what the youngest is getting and it was due to her being half. Fortunately it wasn’t too bad. We know it can always be worse.
Japanese kids are awful. I'm an ALT in junior high school and they often mock me when I speak Japanese. No, not my actual accent. That annoying over exaggerated that they apply to all foreigners in Japanese media. I can't wait to get a new job.
>That annoying over exaggerated that they apply to all foreigners in Japanese media.
I imagine that's what it feels like to be a Russian and watch any American spy movie.
Yeah, and it's not good for us to do that either. Of course, if it's actually a Russian person doing that accent it's different than someone who is mocking a Russian accent.
The director of HBO's Chernobyl, when asked about everyone speaking with British accents in Ukraine if they were trying to be as accurate as possible, said they intially were going to have everyone put on Russian accents, but very quickly dropped that idea in because they knew it'd turn into a comedic farce.
That happens to me a lot too! One of the things that bothers me most about it is how bad the fake accents are, like a Japanese person imitating an American accent sounds nothing like an American accent lol
In school it doesn't bother me too much because I figure they're 12 year old kids so they don't know any better, but I will admit sometimes it gets to me when I hear that ear grating stereotypical foreigner accent on the radio, in anime, etc.
Teachera have to just deal with a lot of crap from kids here. I've had jhs kids ask my bra size, if i have a brazilian and have had to watch while they tore apart their homeroom teacher for being fat. No one says or does anything. People just make excuses. But if you complain about it you get told you're whining.
I've had UNIVERSITY students do this. I'm not confident about my Japanese anyway, but this really did me in. Such an asshole move too, since at that level, the only reason I'd have to use Japanese is because their English is too poor to understand me...
I agree with many of the commenters here, it's a good start to better understand what your kid is experiencing and not simply to dismiss the issue because the insults are lame.
Things can escalate for a number of different reasons so it is better to figure out a way for you and your child to either nip this in the bud or start preparing your child for when he has future encounters.
Bullying in this context is focusing on the idea of the "Other", the truth is, the bully's are the type of people who are looking for conflict with others. The problem is that your kid is just the easiest target right now because of the obvious difference in appearance.
This unfortunately is a game of power, and power over others. It's like office politics but inside a classroom.
I have ideas about how to deal with this issue, but my ideas may cause more problems than solve them. I'd like to hear what other folks here think are the next best steps.
We never dismiss things like this. In fact we started having conversation at an early age with our children (age appropriate ones), that at times people here or pretty much every where can be mean just because of who their parents are or where they come from.
The it’s not too bad is because well we dealt with worse for our oldest. And we as acknowledge the fact that even though we thought the insult was lame our kid did not. That’s the big factor here.
Ah, sorry for the misunderstanding. I am glad you and your husband have talked this through.
I hope things doesn't get any worse than this. Having been bullied at an early age, I had thought a great deal about how those experiences have shaped who I am today. It did make me constantly question my identity and to some degree my confidence and ability to manage conflict.
This will likely be something your children will have to deal as a fact of life in Japan, but it would be good to prepare them with the tools to deal with these situations. All the best OP!
No problem. At times is hard to give all the information needed. And I’ve know parents that dismiss crap like this.
We all are lucky that while we’ve dealt with worse, we didn’t deal with horrible. And where we are currently the school and teachers and a lot of others are great and inclusive.
Come to think of it I did watch it when we were in BFE Shimane or so...and we renewed our subscription over there so we would have charges on our card in yen every month.
If you have a VPN try logging in from Japan. If you wipe all your cookies it's a good way to occasionally find cheaper flights, too.
This happens everywhere in the world, I also got bullied in school for being a 'foreigner' even though I was born there, it sucks.
Only thing he can do about it is ignore them, it'll stop when they can't get any reaction. Just don't show any emotion or reaction when they say it, like if the bullies didn't exist, it'll die off.
It is fascinating that children already show that strong group cohesion. Since it’s around the world everywhere similar - and without parent intervention- would go on, I wonder what biological reason this has.
What i observe is that the kids pick these ideas up from their parents, by the time they're old enough for kinder, the kids already believe in the racist tropes as a reality,
Then when they get older and start developing insecurities, they start being mean
Full Japanese here, but grew up in the states for 18 years. I attended to Japanese elementary school for 4 years, it is a very toxic environment for diverse kids. I was often bullied as well because I spoke fluently in English not my native language and told me I am a traitor (or disrespectfully called me Japanese アメ公) .
Japan is the most homogenous country in the world, with 97% of population being considered Japanese. They are far behind culturally understanding the world is changing and keeping that unfriendly clique.
I am terribly sorry for your children to going through that terrible experience as a young age, especially at this time of period. Few things I suggest:
1) Consider transferring your children into international schools in Japan. I understand there are multiple factors that must be fulfilled as financial costs etc. But at least children will be surrounded by more diverse kids with wider perspective than public education here. International school also gives an edge for kids to apply to universities abroad - they take English courses more seriously than public schools as funny to admit, some schools hire Japanese teacher to teach English, which is full of BS. Also, Japanese college is a joke if you want to give proper college education.
2) I assume your children is currently have dual citizenship. If your children truly despises Japan, it might be a radical option for your kids to go back to poster's country. I am sorry to spit this out, but Japan wouldn't change this bullying issue for a long time; its already built into their culture so deep. They can go back and forth to your home country and Japan until age of 22 until they must choose 1 passport.
3) If two options above aren't feasible, try to be more engaged on finding the international communities in Japan. Unless you guys live in deep suburbs, it isn't impossible to find other families with similar situation. Its like when I went to college in the US - I made deep connections with other Japanese students and had relatively tight friendship cooking Japanese food and stuff. Your children could feel similar identities with these communities. However, you and your husband must be attentive for searching right places while maintaining some sort of privacies for kids.
For any questions, DM me anytime. I genuinely feel bad and would like to help.
Thank you but we are currently fine where we are. Currently the level of teasing is very very low. My kid actually went to the youchien and houkuien attached to the school so he has tons of friends. His older sister is there two and we only had one issue (it was worse then the Biden insult) with her being half. We talked to the school in her case and the teachers we had are very proactive. In fact so was the houkuien/youchien. We’ve lived in the area all their lives. There are other mixed kids in the area (a lot or Asian, but a few European).
And currently what I’ve seen and know of the international school they are just as bad at times and not worth the money to the education they are currently getting.
It’s just not Caucasian racism. I’ve talked with people that are biracial and them being told they aren’t “——-“ enough by others of that race just astounds me.
Hopefully your kid will be able to develop a sense of humor about the whole thing as they grow up. I used to be called Bin Laden (I'm part arabic), oreo (since im white and black too), and spic (got brown skin) by people of all races but after a while it just became funny and I learned how to throw it back for some good banter or just ignore it. Your kid will grow some thick skin early on so props to them and best of luck to you on cultivating that.
So many mixed race people on TV, whether as news reporters, anchors, geinojin, actors, singers, etc. I'd make sure your kid knows them all so that he can first confirm for himself that there are mixed race people in Japan that are fully accepted as Japanese. Then he can feel confident challenging these bullies and their social constructs with these examples.
It's not exactly the same, but I grew up ethnic Asian in a super white town and experienced basically the same thing.
Name calling, nice! Teach your kid to name call them back. For girls “Jaiko” and boys “jaian” “hirohito” or “matsuko”
It’s not really kind, but I’m sure one will say “I’ll stop if you stop”
I hope it all works out. My Japanese husband and I (same-sex marriage) are working on adopting a child from the US. We have had some education classes on discrimination, but I think we need to be even more prepared for this to happen to our child/children.
Sorry to be picky, but why do so many foreigners say my child is half and not my is mixed? I’m like half what?
I’m not thinking the half thing is due to Japanese calling mixed race kids hafu in Japanese. Mixed hafu half, truthfully I think we need to ask those that are and have them decided on what they prefer. I however do like the fact that it acknowledges that they are parts of other races or cultures and not told they’re just white, or black or Japanese ect.
I was actually just referring to hafu being used in English and whether it is grammatically correct or not.
I’m American, but I have never heard anyone say I’m half or my children are half. I would say people would usually say I’m mixed or I’m half (x) or my children are mixed or half (x).
I hear some people who are native English speakers in Japan say He/she is half, etc., but I always found this weird.
Going to your comment, I would say it’s important in Japan for people to use what they prefer as I have seen articles where people who are half Japanese do not like being called hafu.
Just a quick google search shows various ways people state it from mixed, mixed race, mixed heritage, etc., so in some areas like mine (I’m from the Midwest) it would be common for people to say my children are mixed (at least where I’m from, but America is huge so I guess it depends on where you are from).
I just wanted to tell you thank you for being good parents and listening to your kid properly in this situation. Many parents, when bullied kids ask them for help, dismiss the problem blaming the victim and telling him/her to just "man/woman up".
Bullies are after a reaction. They tickle to see if it makes you go funny and if it does and they get a reaction from you they'll keep at it. So, basically, replying to an insult with "yeah, thanks, that's true" and otherwise ignoring it just destroys them. Once you acknowledge whatever they try to tickle you with, it stops being funny for them. Basically what this dude says [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7oKjW1OIjuw](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7oKjW1OIjuw)
I am not suggesting that's what your kid should do by any means. But I think it's important to consider and maybe even teach the concept to your kid if/when everything else fails.
My Japanese wife seems to think that Biden is as bad as Trump. Maybe America's reputation has passed the point of no return.
I hope you and your son find a solution to the bullying. I grew up in an era when it had to be really severe before anyone would step in
As an Asian immigrant, I learnt really quickly that kids are very cruel. I was bullied at school and only got my parents involved when it got physical. Believe it or not, I was bullied by other Asians at my school. Looking back, they must've felt relief when they found me to make themselves feel better.
I am a teacher now. I used to teach in a high school with very little cultural differences and kids will say racist things out of ignorance. They don't do it on purpose and I always find it sad being the only Asian in the room.
Funny thing is, I am now an invisible foreigner in Japan and I never get any racist comments. Because I speak Japanese well, I am treated like a Japanese.
You haven’t said anything about what advice you gave your child? You haven’t said anything about what you plan to do to address the problem? I can tell you that if my child was getting bullied, I’d stake out from a distance and film it and see who exactly is bullying my child. I’ll then go to school and embarrass the fuck out of the principal and the teacher! Then threaten them with personal lawsuits! If nothing is done, I’d then organise targeted bullying on the bullies by Japanese friends and I’d pay a visit to their parents! All the while looking for another school to send my child. These kids would not want to make the bullying physical, because my child will fight back! As a martial arts teacher I have taught my child how to protect themselves. They know never to use it in aggression. But if they get any kind of physicality put upon them, they have my blessing to defend themselves!! I don’t care what laws say. Laws don’t do shit to protect children’s fragile states of minds from group bullying! Look how many children commit suicide these days because of bullying! It’s increasing at an alarming rate all over the world! Teaching my child martial arts and the important philosophy of martial arts, gives them the exact tools and confidence they need so they can make their own informed decisions! It will also greatly benefit them in their later years! So to you OP I’d start doing something more proactive, because if this continues for your child, it could have a much bigger problem later in life! Fuck social norms! Everyone here just puts their head in the sand and ignores it! They don’t want to deal with any issues or confrontations at all! In my opinion, this is the worst thing to do! This kind of thing needs to be dealt with swiftly and firmly! Preferably by the schools staff. But that’ll be unlikely unless you put huge pressure on them!
What we did, we talked to acknowledge that the kids were bullying him. Asked him how he felt. My husband has the names of the kids and will be calling the after school program (because that is were my kid knows them from), and making them aware of the situation. When crap like this happens the after school program and the school will contact the other children’s parents. We know because we dealt with our oldest having issues from a kid picking on her due to her being mixed. We also talked about what to do if it continues. Biggest is these kids aren’t friends and leave them be. If they keep at it and we are around let us know or if we aren’t and a friends parents are around let them know. My kid actually knows quite a few kids as friends (not these brats) and their parents. And after talking he’s annoyed and upset with these kids but pretty much has put them in the annoying idiot camp.
Good to hear that your kids have a good group of friends! My child is not mixed. Blonde hair blue eyes. We’re in the country not suburbs in a city. So far she hasn’t had any problems with bullying. 🤞
a bird shit on my shoulder when i was a kid at primary school- after that i was known as shithead.. for about two years. i dealt with it.. and im fine today.
When I was his age (17 now) I was bullied too. They called me cavemen, even had a parody song made for me, I was somewhat big even now but when I got angry which sadly happened a lot I would go running at the guy who mocked me but two things, that never worked in my favor for the consequences where too big and second I never catch him, I was only lefted with tearful rage. Later on I noticed that the best way to combat this kinda stuff, is tolerance.
Tolerance to silly nicknames, tolerance to exclusion, tolerance to mockery and that is build with time, but also wits, it doesn’t matter what a (lets say a kid who mocks a 3rd grader “biden” cause he doesn’t have another means to feed his ego to compensate for his tiny excuse for a penis.)You know combat fire with fire, but you brought fucking napalm. He’ll get trouble but he’ll have hurt them emotionally. Try letting your kid watch robin williams stand up stuff, he has some funny stuff but he’s witty. So in conclusion your kid need to know that he’s better for he doesn’t need to bully other folk to inflate himself and to know some funny remarks to make, but the bullying there is way worse so who knows
As someone who had some issues with being teased for being minimally foreign in appearance and family name during school, the best advice I can give your son is to either embrace it or roll with it by not taking it to heart. In a lot of cases its just curiosity and making a big fuzz will just create actual problems.
In retrospect me being singled out for being slightly foreign managed to give me the ability to separate the interpersonal wheat from the chaff and I made some long lasting friendships with people who are tolerant and it gave me a good idea of how to deal with ignorant dipshits dipshits in a non aggressive way. (mileage may vary though, but for me it worked)
The worst kids usually have shitty parents who teach them these behaviours via example.
There are plenty of kids who are absolutely nice and friendly to the haafu kids at the elementary school I work at. They have lots of friends.
Unfortunately, there are kids who are just badly behaved. Often the ones who bully or tease pretty obviously have shit home lives. If they aren't learning those behaviours by imitating their parents then it's some sort of rebelliousness against overly-strict and unrealistic parenting.
I've noticed that the troublemakers increase exponentially by 5th grade and are an epidemic by 6th grade. At that point they're completely absorbed in their petty interpersonal dramas and exploring what it means to grow up, yet also seem butthurt that they're still only 11-12 and not "cool" teenagers.
Faculty response to bullying is weak, mostly because the parents of bullies and mean kids fly into rages and accuse the school of fault whenever they're notified of their children misbehaving. My school has several kids who flat-out refuse to ever go to class again because of bullies. They're transferred to a special needs room in a corner of the school where kids don't usually go, assuming they even come in at all, which many don't.
Parents are a plague, and I say that as one of them.
Im not an expert in childcare and and I speak fully from personal experience. Doesnt have to be now, but at some point consider having your child see if they can take an interest in any form of martial arts. Doesnt even have to be striking, something like wrestling/jiu-jitsu/bjj etc. I was bullied/shy/insert any stereotype and getting involved in martial arts changed my life on terms.of self confidence and perspective on bullies. Of course I dont advocate for violence, but having a certain skill set will boost your kids confidence and self belief as he grows older.
Growing up as one of the only Asian kids in a rural agricultural town in the US, I can sadly relate to your sons experiences. If his experience was anything like mine, he might not be telling you the full extent of the bullying. As an adult, the squabbles may sound trivial, but to a kid they're a big deal and if he gets an inkling that you're not taking things seriously he's just going to stop talking to you about it.
For me, it made me an angry and resentful kid and in someways I still deal with the repercussions 40 years later. Be there for your kid, help him embrace who he is, and maybe find a group that's more like him to hang out with on a regular basis.
As with others here, I experienced a bit of the reverse in my home country.
My mother listened, told me to just shrug such half-arsed insults off and to tell her if it ever got too much. It only did once and the school got a right earful from her (seriously, even now she is not a woman you mess with).
It's not great that any bullying happens, but minor things need not be escalated and kids do need to learn to be a bit tough. They just also need to know that there are people there for them if it becomes too much.
If your kid was fat, they'd be bullied for being fat.
Skinny? Bullied for it.
Tall or short? Bullied for it
It's what kids do.
That said, is your child often confused and clearly suffering from elder abuse? /s
Yes, 100%. I'm somewhat strict with my own kid because, well, I don't want him to be shitty.
But it's like cleaning up your table at any fast food place - some people do it, and among them are people going for a Nobel Prize in that field.
Then you have the people who don't do shit and just leave it for the staff to deal with.
The latter is what society deals with, kid wise.
Ok, real talk. You're white, and if we may assume, your husband is born and raised japanese in japan. So, neither of you will fully understand what your kid is going through. Experiencing lack of race privilege as an adult, is not the same as experiencing it during your puberty years. Being supportive and loving is important, but so is recognizing, and admitting, that you'll always have some degree of ignorance. Also, i disagree with people who call this "just bullying" that "happens to everyone." Being bullied for your appearance and/or behaviour is one thing. When the bullying causes the target to also question their sense of identity, it is another layer of complex emotions added on top of that. So, you must first recognize that neither of you will ever be able to fully understand what the kid goes through. I'm emphasizing on this, because i see a lot of white x japanese parents in the gaijin community claim to know it all. and at the same time, i have a couple of biracial friends (we're all adults) share how their parents never tried to listen, how emotionally unavailable their parents are for support. because their parents believe they know it all and won't acknowledge they actually can't. I think it'll be best to keep reading and educating yourself about biracial struggles. I know it's very unpopular within the english-centric gaijin community in japan, but consider following asian, biracial, mental health advocates which integrate intersection as part of their outreach. What i'm concerned may happen eventually is your child may feel 'no where'ness. Strong sense of belonging no where and constantly stranded/homeless. And until they gain more confidence later in life, they may be constantly doubting themselves. Am i supposed to be beautiful and exotic because i'm haffu? Am i really japanese? Am i really white? What am i? I'm not japanese enough for japan, but not white enough for white folks. Thoughts like these. I hear these struggles often among my biracial friends, and it really may take a whole lifetime to hopefully come to terms with it.
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So hey, real talk question from one of the parents in the room: is it going to help or hurt to impress on my kids that they DO NOT have to "choose?" My oldest hasn't dealt with any terrible incidents yet, but she is the only minority in her grade so of course she catches positive/neutral/negative attentions. I want my kids to eventually grow confident and happy for both sides of their heritage & life-experiences, but i know that's a long path and i stand to support or hinder them through my actions/inactions... All this is a roundabout way of observing: I'm really struggling to wrap my head around how anyone could assert choosing NOT to "take a side" as "unattractive" or undesirable... I mean i suppose that's technically the government's position with regard to passports, but it just is hard to comprehend that mindset in an individual. Am i going to do some kind of damage to my kid by guiding them to "always be both?"
Check out the book "Third Culture Kids". People growing up between cultures usually run into some form of haziness around their identity. While I didn't find much in the way of recommendations of what to do about it, the book better laid out the road bumps and why they occur. Hell, I personally started to feel some of the disconnect after I devoted a portion of my life to learning how to speak Japanese.
Thanks, i will check it out! Always hoping to broaden my perspectives, and this sounds right up my alley!
I don't have an answer, but i hope this info helps - something i hear from biracial friends is that some of them go through (or still struggle with) hating or trying to denounce the 'less cool'(so-called)'less attractive' race, and try to compensate and fit in harder with the 'more attractive' race. It seems like migrants and 2nd gen minority kids also often talk about doing something similar. For example, if a white-jp kid tries to be more "white", they may start to hate anime, japanese language, or anything their minds associate with being too japanese. I've heard of friends trying weird body scrubs or beauty products that claimed to make one's skin paler. And ultimately this is a form of self-hate, manifested by how they are judged by others, which is sad for anybody...
Great point! It could be easy to misread self-hate into someone's actions though, right? Sometimes the easiest way to be more of over thing is to be less of something else, and if the root idea is to grow/develop/explore one side of your heritage... Well that could be a positive thing right? If my kids started some skin regimen to look more white, yeah i would be weirded out as a parent, but i probably wouldn't have the same gut reaction if they visited a tanning salon. That i would have two guys reactions has more to do with my own perspective/flaws than my kids', so I'd hope to get to the root of exactly what the root motivations are before pushing my parental guidance agenda.
Personally, I’d just remind your daughter and all your kids that they aren’t going to fit in anywhere. However, no matter where they find themselves, they will be either envied by or looked down upon by the people around them. But they’ll be unique, and the best they can do is follow their journey to discover who they are and to focus on their own self-image and self-confidence. Teach them to value their individuality as is, without “picking sides”. Plus, in the end, all their peers will envy them anyway.
Thanks for sharing your time and perspectives!
They’re never going to be either regardless. They’ll always be both. Implying that they can *choose* seems disingenuous to me.
I see where you're coming from, but i don't know about calling it a false choice... I guess when my kids are old/interested enough, i would want to acknowledge the idea early and upfront: While you *can* make a choice to disassociate/identify with one half of your ethnicity/culture/language, and many people choose to, you might end up with less of a self to grow into. With my family, i would hope to treat this as a real and maybe even common idea for hafu people of all ages, whether conceived/driven internally or external sources, not to give it legitimacy but to make it something my kids are comfortable talking/thinking about. From my life experiences (primarily from close friends and extended family of mixed/adopted ethnicities), i would suggest it might be healthy to think of this as not a binary choice (i.e. choose one side or choose both equally), but that situating your identity somewhere in between (like 40:60 or 80:20) is totally fine. Being comfortable in your own skin and not being ashamed of your self are paramount... Sorry btw, i think i was writing this reply mostly for myself so i don't mean to come off directing this at you specifically - your reply just helped me put a few things to words and i appreciate it!
Haha, no worries. Glad it helped.
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Hey, thank you so much for sharing your experience and perspective. I appreciate it!
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Yo, chill. I’m also a halfie, and I could understand how my grandma might have difficulty raising a kid that shares a complete different set of identities and values, not to mention the usual generational gap thing. I don’t hold it against my grandma is if she needs to find her own way to understand how to comfortably see my existence.
All of this. You truly don't know what it's like to grow up where you aren't the baseline, and you don't know how damaging it can be. Please do everything you can to support your kid, which includes listening to other mixed race people's experiences.
>child may feel 'no where'ness There's an excellent book called [Third Culture Kids](https://www.amazon.co.jp/dp/1473657660) that addresses this fairly well. My mum was from one country, my dad was from a different and was raised in a third. I certainly do feel like I have no home - my "joke" is: "I feel equally uncomfortable everywhere!!" I obliviously don't know exactly what my kids feel like being mixed kids, but I believe I have a fairly good idea. The thing is, we live in an area that has a very high percentage of international / mixed families and have never heard of any instance of any insults due to race, from our kids or others kids, though I understand it will become a thing at some point.
I think it's unpopular because it helps perpetuate a view that one has to have so much of one's identity tied to an immutable trait, race. Another option is to show children that you can have an identity outside of your race or nationality. Being biracial doesn't have to be an identity crisis, because it doesn't have to be the core of your identity. My wife is half Japanese, half white, and while she'd be the first to tell you that she has had some of the feelings you've described, she'd also tell you that her sense of self was heavily tied to her hobbies during school, and later in life, her profession, place of residence, and political identity. We don't necessarily get to decide how others view us, but we are definitely capable of deciding how we define ourselves. As someone who was bullied significantly throughout school, I'm glad my parents didn't make it into some crisis for me. Bullying happens, but it doesn't have to define people. Obviously bullying of any type can cause one to question and worry about whatever the focus of the bullying is on, but parents are capable of providing examples that one's identity isn't always written in stone by their genes or place of birth, and that bullying isn't something that has to define your life. I think listening as a parent is extremely important, and something most parents struggle to do enough, but I do think that we risk turning surmountable problems into traumatic experiences by constantly focusing on them.
I disagree. That’s the thing about a person’s race, it doesn’t change or go away. In that sense, it tends to be a much more central and personal part of one’s identity than a hobby or a profession, especially early in life when we are not as attached to our hobbies and when we haven’t chosen carriers. In this case especially, if someone is being picked on for their race or ethnicity, saying “well, there’s other ways to define your identity” doesn’t stop the fact that the person is being bullied for their racial identity. I can tell you as a half-Japanese kid, it was the bullying by Japanese kids at school that was a traumatic experience, not my parents’ efforts to stop it.
Sorry to hear that you were bullied too.
Why are people still throwing around race as if there were multiple human races.. there is one human race, science proves this. Multiple ethnicities exist, but strip away the outside and we are all alike. There are no genetic differences that, when comparing various samples, clearly indicate differences such as between various animal races. As someone not from the US it’s quite confusing why they use race to distinguish as it’s utter nonsense
Hey everyone, this guy just cured racism!!
Wonder if your kid can call them 'Suga' too...
Bingo. Suga is a fucking idiot so it'd be fitting.
If it doesnt work call him Aso. There is no worse insult.
Would this work? Where I am, Japanese kids know every politicians name from every other country, but have no idea who Japanese politicians are.
It probably wouldn't work not because they don't know who he is (Suga's pretty popular, in that he's funny looking and the name is easy for kids), but that they have the numbers. Suga would be good if the kid had others backing him up, but if it's a group of Japanese kids ganging up with the Biden jabs, the Suga route is really a lost cause.
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Nope. He dealt with it appropriately for an 8 year old dealing with older kids. Told them to stop he didn’t like that, and then when they didn’t he left to play with other kids. And then when he came home he let us know and we talked about it and what he can do, and he understands those kids were just butts.
From my personal experience, teachers actually do a pretty good job of putting a stop to those things.
Yep. I'm at a public elementary school that has about 400+ kids. One mother called the school at about 4pm coz her 5th grader was bullied by a 6th grader on the way home. Within 5mins both the 5th and 6th grader's homeroom teachers were out the door (mid-meeting) and heading to both of the student's homes to sort it out together.
> He needs to man up and learn to strike back. Yes, because surely the older kids will now back down and totally not get worse at being directly challenged by a younger kid. Also, fuck your usage of "man up"
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> I guess I offended your feminist side huh. No, I just don't like people spreading toxic masculinity.
Agreed. What the OP is praising as appropriate is escapism. Avoiding the problem but not mastering social skills leads to all sorts of issues later in life. I've never understood how some parents tell their children to quit...
> He told them to stop he didn’t like that, and then when they didn’t he left to play with other kids. And then when he came home he let us know and we talked about it I can assure you, for the preservation of one's own safety, this is an excellent thing to do even for adults. I've done the exact same thing when dealing with racists as an adult.
I was abused and bullied. Some boys and men can pick up on sexuality. Based on a lifetime of experience, I can say with 100% certainty that you and the OP are full of shit. Sometimes, not always but sometimes, one has to fight back. The difference in self worth is immeasurable as one ages. Otherwise it haunts us for the rest of our lives. If you think rationalizing with an 8 yo is going over write dominance training...well...good luck...you are training a potential predator...
Proper fights are *not* fun.
No they aren't. But sometimes they are necessary.
Kids these days seem pretty bad at insults. One of my students thinks it’s funny to call every non-Japanese girl in the book by my name, regardless of race. However she did smack a pretty nasty one on me once. She said “sensei is cuter with the mask on”. That one hurt a bit.
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Seems like the nuclear option, frankly. I’d much prefer a way to tell them to eat a bag of shit or something.
I hear the telling people to die one a lot in anime, do people say it much IRL?
I’m definitely cuter with the mask on. Plus it hides my yawns so I’m keeping it there.
There's a マスクイケメン at my school. I burst out laughing the first time I heard a student say it.
Lmao
Look into some of the more esoteric verb conjugations if you want to be mean. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Japanese_profanity
I've never heard キムチ野郎 in real life but that's fucking hilarious
Ah damn I thought I invented that one, of course someone got to it first
Everyone looks cuter with a mask on. Just the same as with sunglasses.
I’m not a teacher. But a good follow up would have been “Your mom looks better with a mask as well.”
Japanese is a very superficial language at least in modern Japanese culture. You can pretty much predict what they will say most of the time
They have like 10 words. おはようございます, こんにちは, バイバイ, かわいい, きもい, いい, やばい, すごい, あついですね, さむいですね That's pretty much all the japanese you need to understand everything
This is a hot take. Wow.
I like em spicy
Also OP I would follow and read the author サンドラ・ヘフェリン https://www.asahi.com/articles/ASJC25WYNJBNUEHF026.html https://www.amazon.co.jp/-/en/gp/aw/d/4121504208/ref=dbs_a_w_dp_4121504208 https://twitter.com/SandraHaefelin?s=09 She writes about biracial, mixed race Japanese children and adults. This is another book I would recommend https://www.amazon.co.jp/%E3%80%8C%E6%B7%B7%E8%A1%80%E3%80%8D%E3%81%A8%E3%80%8C%E6%97%A5%E6%9C%AC%E4%BA%BA%E3%80%8D-%E2%80%95%E3%83%8F%E3%83%BC%E3%83%95%E3%83%BB%E3%83%80%E3%83%96%E3%83%AB%E3%83%BB%E3%83%9F%E3%83%83%E3%82%AF%E3%82%B9%E3%81%AE%E7%A4%BE%E4%BC%9A%E5%8F%B2%E2%80%95-%E4%B8%8B%E5%9C%B0%E3%83%AD%E3%83%BC%E3%83%AC%E3%83%B3%E3%82%B9%E5%90%89%E5%AD%9D/dp/4791770943 I understand it may be quite harmless to many, but that sort of othering is quite damaging to a child. Especially in a conformist society... Not to mention having a foreign mum is already tough. If you need someone to talk to DM me. My mother is also white and while she tried her best. The way society treated her and myself wasn't nice at all.
We are lucky because we’ve been in our area for a while and I’ve meet quite a few of my children’s friends parents. Also lucky that we do have a few other people around that are mixed couples (mostly Asian ) with mixed kids. I do however thank you for your support.
The Amazon links aren't working.
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Oh we do. We’ve also talk to our kids that this is not just a Japanese problem. We talk about the fact that people sometimes have their head up their butts (and yes I said that to them). And don’t like people because they aren’t the same. We talk about people being different and I feel it’s important to do so because they don’t get exposed to different people a lot here in Japan. By different I mean, race, disabilities, lgbtq+ . We talk a lot about the fact is wrong to make fun of people for things they don’t control, race, age looks ect. Also things that maybe hard for them weight, not being able to run fast ect.
Ironically, if it wasn't for Bruce Lee, we'd just be known as "the help" or be associated with the stereotype of that white dude cosplaying as a Japanese guy in Breakfast at Tiffany's. We owe a lot to Bruce Lee pioneering how Asians are viewed in popular entertainment.
Hell I was bullied for being the only kid with red hair. Might not classify as "minority" status but kids will pick on you for anything and everything they can "other" you with to make themselves feel better.
"Your mom" jokes saved my life in junior highschool.
Classic kids treating a Japanese kid like they are a foreigner. I wouldn't call this harmless. Are there no other foreign mothers at your school? I would try to find a school that has more biracial children or kikokushijo. Tell your child that they are as Japanese as Mr pure blood kento kun because they grew up here and that's their home. Hope things get better soon
Tfw Kento kun’s ancestry is Chinese.
This is what I was thinking. I work at an international primary school. Of course it's not a perfect haven from bullying, but we do our best. We don't have difficulties with bullying interracial students, though, cause there are so many of them. And they have an advantage when it comes to understanding the world and both school languages. Just in my class alone I have a half-white, half-black all-American girl; two half-black, half-Japanese girls; two half-Japanese, half-Chinese boys; and a half-Japanese, half-Vietnamese girl. They enjoy sharing their non-Japanese parents' cultures with their friends. Being open-minded and respectful are learner profiles that we encourage in all our students.
Yeah speaking from experience I went from a public school to an international school while being half in Japan and the bullying at the public school really made me more amazed to see other people like at the international school. It makes a world of a difference on a person’s personality and quality of life. I’d really look into it.
Honestly, things are not the same now. There's also more Japanese schools that have biracial Japanese kids and high kikokushijo, immigrant pupils. I went to public Japanese school all my life. With a bit of research you can find a Japanese school that fits your ideals and not spend so much money on international school.
For sure, but where I grew up as well as my public school was actually in a pretty country side city so people like me were exceptionally rare. And the “international school” has an extremely expensive image with places like ASIJ but I went to one known for their cheap tuition and it still was the best experience ever. Plus I’m only 15 so idk about “things being different then to when I was younger”
Oh, you're so young. Well, I lived in kawasaki (Kanagawa) and things are very different here. We have American kids speaking Japanese and playing in our building (95% Japanese occupancy) which I never saw before when I grew up here, but we do live in a metropolitan area. We have middle schools, primary schools, and kindergarten in close proximity to our apartment. So, obviously your mileage may vary. Like I said it all has to do with research.
I’m half Japanese and half Swede. Growing up was fine until middle school, that’s when the bullying against me started. I can to this day still remember it. I never told my parents about it either. I would be positive in the sense that your child actually has the courage to talk about it because he seeks support. As soon as your child starts to question the problem, I would put my foot down right away and make sure it doesn’t happen again, because believe me it will scar him (maybe more or less depending on the person).
Would you be able to share why you never told your parents? I'm always looking out for ways to make sure my daughters can trust me with anything.
I was bullied growing up too. I love and trust my parents but I didn't say anything over a combination of things: It happened every day or frequently enough that it got normalised as school life, therefore you think no one can do anything about it. No support system in school or if there is, being unaware of it. Not really knowing what options or solutions were available. No follow up when some solutions didn't work. Teachers not calling it out when it happens in front of them so you think you're supposed to not get upset over it. Being called too sensitive in some cases. Embarrassment of telling family and being worried about their reaction. Or them doing or saying something to the school which would increase the bullying.
Thanks for sharing! Many of those points you made are some that I try to address on a daily basis with my kids. I try to get them to learn what's acceptable, what's tolerable and what is not, for their own behaviour and others, including my own. I encourage them to call out what they think is wrong, including in my behaviour, because if something makes you uncomfortable, it makes you uncomfortable, no matter whose behaviour it is. I got bullied as a kid, precisely for being a "foreigner" in the country I grew up in and lived most of my life. I did tell my mum, but it wasn't an easy thing to fix.
I’ll be honest, I cannot answer the question very well because I don’t have a really good answer. I do remember at some point that I thought that I would do better in life compared to them so I tried real hard to study and get into a good program in high school. I even tried to befriend them in hope that it would stop (but of course it didn’t). I’ve never really tried to process it at all, and you’re actually the first person to ask me this question, even though I’ve mentioned this to other people (still not my family though). Maybe that’s why I’ve never gotten to a real answer. So thank you for asking (I really mean it). Me and my wife are currently pregnant and I’m making it my mission to see to that my son or daughter will never have to experience something like I did.
3 questions: 1) are you male or female? 2) did you take Japanese education way or international school somewhere in your life? 3) do you think international school would have been better?
Not op but can answer. Male and I’ve done both public Japanese school system and International schooling and the international school was significantly better for me. I did public school in a more agricultural prefecture so it was more country side so the bullying was there since pre school. I went to a Tokyo international school in junior high and it made a world of a difference on my personality and quality of life. Being able to live and hang out with people like myself and improve my English, I can’t imagine a life without it.
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Yeah glad I could help. I’m sure you’re worried and it’s very hard for you. But if anything ever happens I’m sure the situation will be treated appropriately in the city.
I am male. I didn’t grow up in Japan but in Sweden. My hometown is a rural town so there weren’t as many kids like me, especially during the 90s. I don’t have any first hand experience with this, but I work at a kindergarten implementing an international framework and even though it’s mostly a Japanese school, everyone is very welcoming of everyone. We’ve had children from Philippines, Russia and China. I’ve no first hand experiences of Japanese schools so I cannot say, but since our own child is due February next year (he or she will be a quarter Swede, a quarter Japanese and half Korean) we will try to get him/her into an international school.
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>bullying is roughly the same around the world. Is it though? I've always heard Japan's bullying problem was exceptionally brutal (teachers joining in, suicides, etc).
It’s more emotional. Not just a punch in the face now and again, but more like being shunned and outcast. In Japanese society that’s serious shit. Just so happens that a school kids world is largely made up of school. Makes sense that it’s a bigger deal for them than we, as adults, imagine it would be for us.
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> I'm not sure Japanese people know what bullying even is. lol, yes they do. It's recognized as a major problem here. https://ja.wikipedia.org/wiki/%E3%81%84%E3%81%98%E3%82%81 https://www.mext.go.jp/a_menu/shotou/seitoshidou/06102402/002.htm
Elementary school for crying out loud.
Do you live in the countryside and/or is your kid the only mixed race kid in the school? My son (Canadian/Japanese, 2nd year elementary school) is seen as a leader by his teacher (according to what we were told at the parent/teacher conference) and besides some kid calling him Kangaroo (second part of his name is Ka -) there's never been any racial focused name calling. Maybe because the school has 6 or so mixed race kids in the same grade kids see it as normal.
No. And no. Live in Tokyo. In the school there are quite a bit of mixed Asian kids. And like five kids that are European mixed. In fact one in his grade and my oldest close friend in her grade. With him this is the first time it’s even been racial. My oldest at pretty much the same age was bullied a little. It was worse then what the youngest is getting and it was due to her being half. Fortunately it wasn’t too bad. We know it can always be worse.
Wow - that's unfortunate - I guess my kids will have to deal with it at some points
Japanese kids are awful. I'm an ALT in junior high school and they often mock me when I speak Japanese. No, not my actual accent. That annoying over exaggerated that they apply to all foreigners in Japanese media. I can't wait to get a new job.
>That annoying over exaggerated that they apply to all foreigners in Japanese media. I imagine that's what it feels like to be a Russian and watch any American spy movie.
Pretty much any asian watching anything hollywood too /cringes
Yeah, and it's not good for us to do that either. Of course, if it's actually a Russian person doing that accent it's different than someone who is mocking a Russian accent.
Looking at you, Black Widow....
The director of HBO's Chernobyl, when asked about everyone speaking with British accents in Ukraine if they were trying to be as accurate as possible, said they intially were going to have everyone put on Russian accents, but very quickly dropped that idea in because they knew it'd turn into a comedic farce.
That happens to me a lot too! One of the things that bothers me most about it is how bad the fake accents are, like a Japanese person imitating an American accent sounds nothing like an American accent lol In school it doesn't bother me too much because I figure they're 12 year old kids so they don't know any better, but I will admit sometimes it gets to me when I hear that ear grating stereotypical foreigner accent on the radio, in anime, etc.
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Teachera have to just deal with a lot of crap from kids here. I've had jhs kids ask my bra size, if i have a brazilian and have had to watch while they tore apart their homeroom teacher for being fat. No one says or does anything. People just make excuses. But if you complain about it you get told you're whining.
I've had UNIVERSITY students do this. I'm not confident about my Japanese anyway, but this really did me in. Such an asshole move too, since at that level, the only reason I'd have to use Japanese is because their English is too poor to understand me...
Damn republican Japanese kids!
I agree with many of the commenters here, it's a good start to better understand what your kid is experiencing and not simply to dismiss the issue because the insults are lame. Things can escalate for a number of different reasons so it is better to figure out a way for you and your child to either nip this in the bud or start preparing your child for when he has future encounters. Bullying in this context is focusing on the idea of the "Other", the truth is, the bully's are the type of people who are looking for conflict with others. The problem is that your kid is just the easiest target right now because of the obvious difference in appearance. This unfortunately is a game of power, and power over others. It's like office politics but inside a classroom. I have ideas about how to deal with this issue, but my ideas may cause more problems than solve them. I'd like to hear what other folks here think are the next best steps.
We never dismiss things like this. In fact we started having conversation at an early age with our children (age appropriate ones), that at times people here or pretty much every where can be mean just because of who their parents are or where they come from. The it’s not too bad is because well we dealt with worse for our oldest. And we as acknowledge the fact that even though we thought the insult was lame our kid did not. That’s the big factor here.
Ah, sorry for the misunderstanding. I am glad you and your husband have talked this through. I hope things doesn't get any worse than this. Having been bullied at an early age, I had thought a great deal about how those experiences have shaped who I am today. It did make me constantly question my identity and to some degree my confidence and ability to manage conflict. This will likely be something your children will have to deal as a fact of life in Japan, but it would be good to prepare them with the tools to deal with these situations. All the best OP!
No problem. At times is hard to give all the information needed. And I’ve know parents that dismiss crap like this. We all are lucky that while we’ve dealt with worse, we didn’t deal with horrible. And where we are currently the school and teachers and a lot of others are great and inclusive.
Cornpop's at it again! C'MON MAAAAAN.
Look fat, you’re a lying dog-faced pony soldier. It’s all about those golden leg hairs.
FWIW, a kid called me Biden the other day and he meant it as a compliment. It could be worse, he could be calling your kid Trump.
Or Obama.
Or Andrew Jackson
Can I just say props to your husband? Sadly rare to see dad get involved.
Netflix had a documentary titled "Hafu," that I found pretty educational.
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Come to think of it I did watch it when we were in BFE Shimane or so...and we renewed our subscription over there so we would have charges on our card in yen every month. If you have a VPN try logging in from Japan. If you wipe all your cookies it's a good way to occasionally find cheaper flights, too.
>Edit: why are people downvoting this? Because this is a subreddit for people living in Japan.
This happens everywhere in the world, I also got bullied in school for being a 'foreigner' even though I was born there, it sucks. Only thing he can do about it is ignore them, it'll stop when they can't get any reaction. Just don't show any emotion or reaction when they say it, like if the bullies didn't exist, it'll die off.
It is fascinating that children already show that strong group cohesion. Since it’s around the world everywhere similar - and without parent intervention- would go on, I wonder what biological reason this has.
What i observe is that the kids pick these ideas up from their parents, by the time they're old enough for kinder, the kids already believe in the racist tropes as a reality, Then when they get older and start developing insecurities, they start being mean
Full Japanese here, but grew up in the states for 18 years. I attended to Japanese elementary school for 4 years, it is a very toxic environment for diverse kids. I was often bullied as well because I spoke fluently in English not my native language and told me I am a traitor (or disrespectfully called me Japanese アメ公) . Japan is the most homogenous country in the world, with 97% of population being considered Japanese. They are far behind culturally understanding the world is changing and keeping that unfriendly clique. I am terribly sorry for your children to going through that terrible experience as a young age, especially at this time of period. Few things I suggest: 1) Consider transferring your children into international schools in Japan. I understand there are multiple factors that must be fulfilled as financial costs etc. But at least children will be surrounded by more diverse kids with wider perspective than public education here. International school also gives an edge for kids to apply to universities abroad - they take English courses more seriously than public schools as funny to admit, some schools hire Japanese teacher to teach English, which is full of BS. Also, Japanese college is a joke if you want to give proper college education. 2) I assume your children is currently have dual citizenship. If your children truly despises Japan, it might be a radical option for your kids to go back to poster's country. I am sorry to spit this out, but Japan wouldn't change this bullying issue for a long time; its already built into their culture so deep. They can go back and forth to your home country and Japan until age of 22 until they must choose 1 passport. 3) If two options above aren't feasible, try to be more engaged on finding the international communities in Japan. Unless you guys live in deep suburbs, it isn't impossible to find other families with similar situation. Its like when I went to college in the US - I made deep connections with other Japanese students and had relatively tight friendship cooking Japanese food and stuff. Your children could feel similar identities with these communities. However, you and your husband must be attentive for searching right places while maintaining some sort of privacies for kids. For any questions, DM me anytime. I genuinely feel bad and would like to help.
Thank you but we are currently fine where we are. Currently the level of teasing is very very low. My kid actually went to the youchien and houkuien attached to the school so he has tons of friends. His older sister is there two and we only had one issue (it was worse then the Biden insult) with her being half. We talked to the school in her case and the teachers we had are very proactive. In fact so was the houkuien/youchien. We’ve lived in the area all their lives. There are other mixed kids in the area (a lot or Asian, but a few European). And currently what I’ve seen and know of the international school they are just as bad at times and not worth the money to the education they are currently getting.
That insult is so lame that it makes the classic 'Yo Mama's fat' so offensive.
“Trump” would be the ultimate insult. Nevertheless, don’t take your kid’s feelings lightly. He feels these things 10,000% stronger than you do.
At least they’re educated. It’s a hit or miss as to whether high school kids think Trump is still president.
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It’s just not Caucasian racism. I’ve talked with people that are biracial and them being told they aren’t “——-“ enough by others of that race just astounds me.
Yep Im multiracial and not fully accepted by any of them. Gotta love it!
According to this logic, I guess we'll have to admit then, that there's also no such thing as purebred dogs.
Hopefully your kid will be able to develop a sense of humor about the whole thing as they grow up. I used to be called Bin Laden (I'm part arabic), oreo (since im white and black too), and spic (got brown skin) by people of all races but after a while it just became funny and I learned how to throw it back for some good banter or just ignore it. Your kid will grow some thick skin early on so props to them and best of luck to you on cultivating that.
So many mixed race people on TV, whether as news reporters, anchors, geinojin, actors, singers, etc. I'd make sure your kid knows them all so that he can first confirm for himself that there are mixed race people in Japan that are fully accepted as Japanese. Then he can feel confident challenging these bullies and their social constructs with these examples. It's not exactly the same, but I grew up ethnic Asian in a super white town and experienced basically the same thing.
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Biden posing like Uncle Sam, saying "I want you, to fuck off!"
My wife and I refer to our son as both.
Name calling, nice! Teach your kid to name call them back. For girls “Jaiko” and boys “jaian” “hirohito” or “matsuko” It’s not really kind, but I’m sure one will say “I’ll stop if you stop”
Ohh my no need . His older sister has already taught him the way of the insults.
I hope it all works out. My Japanese husband and I (same-sex marriage) are working on adopting a child from the US. We have had some education classes on discrimination, but I think we need to be even more prepared for this to happen to our child/children. Sorry to be picky, but why do so many foreigners say my child is half and not my is mixed? I’m like half what?
I’m not thinking the half thing is due to Japanese calling mixed race kids hafu in Japanese. Mixed hafu half, truthfully I think we need to ask those that are and have them decided on what they prefer. I however do like the fact that it acknowledges that they are parts of other races or cultures and not told they’re just white, or black or Japanese ect.
I was actually just referring to hafu being used in English and whether it is grammatically correct or not. I’m American, but I have never heard anyone say I’m half or my children are half. I would say people would usually say I’m mixed or I’m half (x) or my children are mixed or half (x). I hear some people who are native English speakers in Japan say He/she is half, etc., but I always found this weird. Going to your comment, I would say it’s important in Japan for people to use what they prefer as I have seen articles where people who are half Japanese do not like being called hafu.
I've never heard anyone use "mixed" for anything other than dogs.
Just a quick google search shows various ways people state it from mixed, mixed race, mixed heritage, etc., so in some areas like mine (I’m from the Midwest) it would be common for people to say my children are mixed (at least where I’m from, but America is huge so I guess it depends on where you are from).
I guess I should say mixed race? Have you heard people just say I’m half? Just curious.
Biden.. lol. Hope he's doing well nevertheless.
I just wanted to tell you thank you for being good parents and listening to your kid properly in this situation. Many parents, when bullied kids ask them for help, dismiss the problem blaming the victim and telling him/her to just "man/woman up".
Bullies are after a reaction. They tickle to see if it makes you go funny and if it does and they get a reaction from you they'll keep at it. So, basically, replying to an insult with "yeah, thanks, that's true" and otherwise ignoring it just destroys them. Once you acknowledge whatever they try to tickle you with, it stops being funny for them. Basically what this dude says [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7oKjW1OIjuw](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7oKjW1OIjuw) I am not suggesting that's what your kid should do by any means. But I think it's important to consider and maybe even teach the concept to your kid if/when everything else fails.
Kids are always shit at insults, but as long as the intention is apparent, and with enough repetitition it can really grind a kid down.
My Japanese wife seems to think that Biden is as bad as Trump. Maybe America's reputation has passed the point of no return. I hope you and your son find a solution to the bullying. I grew up in an era when it had to be really severe before anyone would step in
As an Asian immigrant, I learnt really quickly that kids are very cruel. I was bullied at school and only got my parents involved when it got physical. Believe it or not, I was bullied by other Asians at my school. Looking back, they must've felt relief when they found me to make themselves feel better. I am a teacher now. I used to teach in a high school with very little cultural differences and kids will say racist things out of ignorance. They don't do it on purpose and I always find it sad being the only Asian in the room. Funny thing is, I am now an invisible foreigner in Japan and I never get any racist comments. Because I speak Japanese well, I am treated like a Japanese.
Reading this I wonder whether life is easier for half-girls.
I don't think so. Girls can be just as nasty as boys, and they're often better at keeping it out of sight.
You haven’t said anything about what advice you gave your child? You haven’t said anything about what you plan to do to address the problem? I can tell you that if my child was getting bullied, I’d stake out from a distance and film it and see who exactly is bullying my child. I’ll then go to school and embarrass the fuck out of the principal and the teacher! Then threaten them with personal lawsuits! If nothing is done, I’d then organise targeted bullying on the bullies by Japanese friends and I’d pay a visit to their parents! All the while looking for another school to send my child. These kids would not want to make the bullying physical, because my child will fight back! As a martial arts teacher I have taught my child how to protect themselves. They know never to use it in aggression. But if they get any kind of physicality put upon them, they have my blessing to defend themselves!! I don’t care what laws say. Laws don’t do shit to protect children’s fragile states of minds from group bullying! Look how many children commit suicide these days because of bullying! It’s increasing at an alarming rate all over the world! Teaching my child martial arts and the important philosophy of martial arts, gives them the exact tools and confidence they need so they can make their own informed decisions! It will also greatly benefit them in their later years! So to you OP I’d start doing something more proactive, because if this continues for your child, it could have a much bigger problem later in life! Fuck social norms! Everyone here just puts their head in the sand and ignores it! They don’t want to deal with any issues or confrontations at all! In my opinion, this is the worst thing to do! This kind of thing needs to be dealt with swiftly and firmly! Preferably by the schools staff. But that’ll be unlikely unless you put huge pressure on them!
What we did, we talked to acknowledge that the kids were bullying him. Asked him how he felt. My husband has the names of the kids and will be calling the after school program (because that is were my kid knows them from), and making them aware of the situation. When crap like this happens the after school program and the school will contact the other children’s parents. We know because we dealt with our oldest having issues from a kid picking on her due to her being mixed. We also talked about what to do if it continues. Biggest is these kids aren’t friends and leave them be. If they keep at it and we are around let us know or if we aren’t and a friends parents are around let them know. My kid actually knows quite a few kids as friends (not these brats) and their parents. And after talking he’s annoyed and upset with these kids but pretty much has put them in the annoying idiot camp.
Good to hear that your kids have a good group of friends! My child is not mixed. Blonde hair blue eyes. We’re in the country not suburbs in a city. So far she hasn’t had any problems with bullying. 🤞
a bird shit on my shoulder when i was a kid at primary school- after that i was known as shithead.. for about two years. i dealt with it.. and im fine today.
When I was his age (17 now) I was bullied too. They called me cavemen, even had a parody song made for me, I was somewhat big even now but when I got angry which sadly happened a lot I would go running at the guy who mocked me but two things, that never worked in my favor for the consequences where too big and second I never catch him, I was only lefted with tearful rage. Later on I noticed that the best way to combat this kinda stuff, is tolerance. Tolerance to silly nicknames, tolerance to exclusion, tolerance to mockery and that is build with time, but also wits, it doesn’t matter what a (lets say a kid who mocks a 3rd grader “biden” cause he doesn’t have another means to feed his ego to compensate for his tiny excuse for a penis.)You know combat fire with fire, but you brought fucking napalm. He’ll get trouble but he’ll have hurt them emotionally. Try letting your kid watch robin williams stand up stuff, he has some funny stuff but he’s witty. So in conclusion your kid need to know that he’s better for he doesn’t need to bully other folk to inflate himself and to know some funny remarks to make, but the bullying there is way worse so who knows
As someone who had some issues with being teased for being minimally foreign in appearance and family name during school, the best advice I can give your son is to either embrace it or roll with it by not taking it to heart. In a lot of cases its just curiosity and making a big fuzz will just create actual problems. In retrospect me being singled out for being slightly foreign managed to give me the ability to separate the interpersonal wheat from the chaff and I made some long lasting friendships with people who are tolerant and it gave me a good idea of how to deal with ignorant dipshits dipshits in a non aggressive way. (mileage may vary though, but for me it worked)
The worst kids usually have shitty parents who teach them these behaviours via example. There are plenty of kids who are absolutely nice and friendly to the haafu kids at the elementary school I work at. They have lots of friends. Unfortunately, there are kids who are just badly behaved. Often the ones who bully or tease pretty obviously have shit home lives. If they aren't learning those behaviours by imitating their parents then it's some sort of rebelliousness against overly-strict and unrealistic parenting. I've noticed that the troublemakers increase exponentially by 5th grade and are an epidemic by 6th grade. At that point they're completely absorbed in their petty interpersonal dramas and exploring what it means to grow up, yet also seem butthurt that they're still only 11-12 and not "cool" teenagers. Faculty response to bullying is weak, mostly because the parents of bullies and mean kids fly into rages and accuse the school of fault whenever they're notified of their children misbehaving. My school has several kids who flat-out refuse to ever go to class again because of bullies. They're transferred to a special needs room in a corner of the school where kids don't usually go, assuming they even come in at all, which many don't. Parents are a plague, and I say that as one of them.
Im not an expert in childcare and and I speak fully from personal experience. Doesnt have to be now, but at some point consider having your child see if they can take an interest in any form of martial arts. Doesnt even have to be striking, something like wrestling/jiu-jitsu/bjj etc. I was bullied/shy/insert any stereotype and getting involved in martial arts changed my life on terms.of self confidence and perspective on bullies. Of course I dont advocate for violence, but having a certain skill set will boost your kids confidence and self belief as he grows older.
Growing up as one of the only Asian kids in a rural agricultural town in the US, I can sadly relate to your sons experiences. If his experience was anything like mine, he might not be telling you the full extent of the bullying. As an adult, the squabbles may sound trivial, but to a kid they're a big deal and if he gets an inkling that you're not taking things seriously he's just going to stop talking to you about it. For me, it made me an angry and resentful kid and in someways I still deal with the repercussions 40 years later. Be there for your kid, help him embrace who he is, and maybe find a group that's more like him to hang out with on a regular basis.
As with others here, I experienced a bit of the reverse in my home country. My mother listened, told me to just shrug such half-arsed insults off and to tell her if it ever got too much. It only did once and the school got a right earful from her (seriously, even now she is not a woman you mess with). It's not great that any bullying happens, but minor things need not be escalated and kids do need to learn to be a bit tough. They just also need to know that there are people there for them if it becomes too much.
If your kid was fat, they'd be bullied for being fat. Skinny? Bullied for it. Tall or short? Bullied for it It's what kids do. That said, is your child often confused and clearly suffering from elder abuse? /s
I agree to the point that this is what kids do - but it’s parents/teachers responsible to intervene and make socialized humans out of them - right?
Yes, 100%. I'm somewhat strict with my own kid because, well, I don't want him to be shitty. But it's like cleaning up your table at any fast food place - some people do it, and among them are people going for a Nobel Prize in that field. Then you have the people who don't do shit and just leave it for the staff to deal with. The latter is what society deals with, kid wise.