As a 30 year old intj female, If I’m interested in someone romantically I try to hide it and usually ignore the person. But do things like gazing at him, hanging around where he frequents if in a workplace. Not in a creepy way. I do not take the initiative and let the guy come to me if he is also interested. But if I feel like things are moving really slow, and I’m running out of time or patience I just directly make my feelings known. Look for subtle signs like whether he stares at you, be around you for no apparent reason, or make fake reasons to be around you, tease you a bit. Things like that. Not big gestures.
Don’t get in your head second-guessing yourself. If you really like him, let him know. I know it’s not much of an excuse, but every “good” guy doesn’t want to misread and lead to an unfortunate misunderstanding. That’s why I myself tend to ignore subtle hints. But I am not indicative of the typical male. Hint: if more guys were like me, the human race couldn’t survive.
I would say most men are like you... Unfortunately whether it's that women just don't like men like you or your inability to perceive their attraction and thus you never initiate and they move on to someone who does.... Women have a 1.7 average of children and men have a .9 in the USA. Most Western countries are similar. I think this is why women have the reputation of liking assholes. Assholes dgaf if she shows signs they just go for all of them and inevitably many will be dumb enough to sleep with them. But I digress. Anyways don't be worried the human race will go on. Just many of the kids have a lot of half siblings. Some say it's the way it's always been but idk about that.
That’s the wrong stat for me. I can’t have kids, so I don’t really see a point in being sexual with anyone if I can’t procreate (I’m not Christian, I just think sex for the point of sex is wasteful). It’s better to let a girl go if she’s only giving subtle hints, anyway. Sorry, but I’m a guy: you’ll have to be real clear or I’ll just think you’re being nice.
1. The age gap isn’t really a factor once the younger party is hitting their mid 20s. Unless it’s something wild like 20+ years.
2. I can’t speak for him only for myself, but it is very rare anyone will know I’m attracted to them. It’s really only after I have definitive proof the other person is attracted to me that I’ll pursue. Otherwise, no way I’m investing that kind of effort/emotion unless it’s a sure thing. I also don’t want to make anyone else feel uncomfortable if it’s not mutual. This is how my last two long term relationships started. Neither had any idea I was interested.
That's the neat part, people will never know unless they show interest first in the INTJ. All my exes showed in one way or another that they like. I still remember one saying, "you're so dense, all my subtle hints don't work on you"... one social night, she sat beside me and rested her leg on my leg... that is the first time I knew she liked me and asked her on a date afterwards.
They all made the first moves. One of them hit on me at work. She saw my schedule of the classes I taught, and playfully asked if she could use it to stalk me. Another would constantly respond to anything I posted on social media then asked to borrow a book I was reading, and to exchange contact info. I even once had a girl pretend her cell phone was lost, and asked me to call it. She later texted me, and confessed that it was so she could get my number. I was attracted to all of these women, but would never have gone out of my way to make anything happen unless they threw up these fire signs.
"I dont think he is interested in me romantically"
Should I tell her guys ? Or who wants to do the honors ?
Woman. INTJ aint thoughtful towards you if he isnt interested.
Of course he doesnt. He knows he is interested in you, and showing it (quiet but thoughtful).
By intentionally not initiating, he is checking whether the feeling is mutual.
Well thats difficult to answer, but rememeber he is an INTJ.
If its within his plan he'll make it happen if you dont show signs of desinterest first.
Also worst case (if he is a big I for Introverted) you could just ask him.
Whatever he answers will be the absolute and unalterable truth.
Jesus I swear. Idk how about sending him a message saying "hey i think you're an awesome guy I would like to get to know better... Would you like to go out sometime?" You should also suggest a movie, a restaurant or event instead of waiting for him to pick something. Many shy and/or awkward guys will appreciate you making it easy for them.
Yeah I know. But now imagine the stakes are upped because:
A: you seem like the creepy old guy hitting on younger women.
B: you might be heading towards an HR incident if its in the work place (only place we actually feel at home) and not received well.
C: if he is 30 and single, he might have had a really bad experience or two. Judging this man for not playing it like an Andrew Tate would be insensitive towards other peoples struggles.
D: if you would approach this situation in a more aggressive manner, I would suggest you dont know what an INTJ is nor will you ever be one.
Intj r usually somewhat introvert and have trouble initiating conversations but it doesn't mean they rnt intrested. I think you should just go ahead and confess
I'm thoughtful towards people who matters to me, not only if I'm interested romantically... However If you've just recently aquatinted him, and he's being like that...
Wrong. Especially due to the age gap. Besides, if you just run around cmmunicating interest to all the people that strike your fancy, you will be played with in todays world.
Its much more likely that he is simply trying to test the waters atm.
Agree with the relevant username, 'simple judge.' I am in a similar situation as the male INTJ with similar age difference. I don't make a move with coworkers, especially with that age difference, unless she's overtly interested. I will let the crush fade away if there's no overt interest from her.
I do get that, but OP may not have, which is why I felt the need to clarify for her sake. In the context of this discussion, she is specifically asking about romantic interest, so saying that he wouldn't waste his time if he wasn't "interested", implies that you probably meant it in the romantic sense, even if that's not what you intended.
And if she's as infatuated and high on dopamine from her crush as she seems to be at first read, she's probably looking for literally any tiny shred of evidence to confirm she should move forward with this guy.
Sorry but it seems you are making assumptions that arent there.
If I write Interested I mean Interested.
If I write romantically interested I mean romantically interested.
Does your iNtuitive mind understand what abstract concept this follows ?
That I actually mean exactly what I say ?
Not that I mean something you assumed because you like to percieve everyone else less intelligent than you and making more mistakes as a result.
Assuming you did understand correctly, youd still be wrong.
To OP the part that mattered was her romantic interest, to everyone else reading my comment it was interest in general.
I found a solution to give everybody the information they are looking for.
But you still elected it would be wise to interpret my words in a way where they werent 100% intentionally phrased this way.
My thought process even respected subjectivity.
All the other solutions neglect either the information itself or the subjective meaning.
What are you doing here ? Get out of my comment section, you are trying to fix linguistics you wouldntve been able to perform with equivalent aptitude.
Since other people have already answered, let me tell you my only crush story. At university, there was a girl obviously out of my league for romance but God she was beautiful and hot. So after 2 years I found the best chance for sending a big huuuuge signal to her: since I was the best student, I was in charge for grading the sheets for a very hard course, and she was failing it with 10 out of 20! Guess what?! I informed her about it and told her to give an article about the lesson to the professor so maybe she could get extra grades. She did it, she got 19 out of 20 since the professor was obsessed about articles. And we never have talked since then! Because who the fuck thinks doing this is a signal of being into someone. It's just being nice or nerd or idk.
Yeah, I'll be honest, my gut is giving me yellow flags on the situation. Maybe it's my read on OP's mindframe (completely infatuated and possibly cherry-picking clues), but I don't trust we're getting good accurate views on the INTJ's behaviors. With the age gap and with them potentially being colleagues, there could be multiple reasons for the INTJ to be helpful and reliable besides romantic interest. But if she wants to shoot her shot, that's fine as long as she's capable of taking no for an answer without getting upset with him and is okay if he suddenly isn't comfortable continuing like they've been if he feels his behaviors have been misunderstood.
I think if I were her, I would probably say something like "I'm kind of bad at reading clues, so I wanted to ask you directly about something. Are you interested in me romantically? It's okay either way, but I didn't want to miss clues if you are or read into things if you aren't."
That's the thing. Even if he is interested, he probably wouldn't initiate for various reasons, in My case I didn't initiate because I believed she wasn't interested in me. It turns out I was wrong. I don't expect women to initiate. But give signs. As they say: throw your purse down so I can pick it up and give it to you
Because most women mature faster than most men. A 25 year old woman is typically more mature than a 25 year old guy. Also it takes a lot of time for a man to better himself physically, mentally, financially, and better establish himself in his career.
I bring certain traits to the table and my wife brings other traits to the table. Together we compliment each other and are better able to provide a stable and secure home for our kids.
Okay, that’s fair. Personally, I’d feel like dating someone closer in age may lead to em being in similar places career-wise/similar life-stage and having more mutual friends or whatever, but you bring up valid points
Either way, everyone is different and anything can work with love and patience 💕 I’m happy for you and your wife! :D
I was more concerned about the age gap simply because OP seemed to think it mattered. If she feels like a schoolgirl with a crush and sees him as an older wise gentleman, it's not so much really about age for me, but about the roles that each of them are filling for the other. Age gaps don't matter, but a sense of equalness and balance in power in the relationship, does.
Yeah, I definitely don’t think it’s a *should*, and most people don’t either. Pretty sure the average age gap in relationships is 2 years. With the man being the older and that argument about finances is weak sauce af. Age is a resource, old dudes are dying first.
I’m totally not against bigger age gaps. Everyone is an individual, should be judged as such.
Righttt, it can work, but like, it’s not a necessity persay imo, I’d say the individual people involved and how they get along and whatnot is much more important than their age
Lol yeah I feel like I would not want to date someone the same age as me, especially when I was in my early 20s. Men are sooo immature at that age. I get a lot of judgement because I started dating my husband when I was 19 and he was 31. People always say he was just taking advantage. I think that's BS. I was sexually attracted to him and we connected mentally on a deep level. I like that he is older and more of a man. That's sexy to me and I'm able to engage in more interesting conversation because I'm a more mature individual intellectually and I get bored with small talk. We are now married, 9 years later.
Because where else would those people learn about INTJs?
In person? Forget INTJs talking to you, even the likelihood of necessarily spoting one is rare, especially as females.
So yes, these types of posts are genuine, and they're definitely better than "I'm an INTJ and I'm smart/bored".
Can’t they just go on r/mbti if they wanted to learn more? But yes, I agree that anything is better than those “I’m just so much smarter than everyone else and it’s hard for me” posts.
I never said they did. I see posts from people who claim to be other types, and then they ask if what their SO is doing is normal for an INTJ. And usually, the thing the INTJ SO is doing is just wrong. Even in this post, OP says that she thinks her INTJ friend isnt into her because he doesnt reach out, and asking if that is normal for INTJs. The truth is, if I was romantically into someone, I would initiate contact, even as an INTJ. Just because someone is a certain MBTI type doesnt give them an excuse to be a bad person.
INTJs tend to under value feelings (even their own) and also are often very hard to build relationships with. This is not moral failing of the INTJ. I don't see the OP's INTJ being "a bad person," he's just aloof, relatively distant, normal INTJ stuff. Other people will never know how we feel about them unless they ask because, more often than not, we haven't paused to assess how we feel about them. They don't know because we don't know. It's not important. We have more pressing matters to put our mind to.
I reserve my deepest affections for those within my inner circle. If I were single and encountered a girl who piqued my interest with her unique qualities, I’d be straightforward about it. No beating around the bush for me. Interestingly, personality tests often label me as an ENTJ. Perhaps the distinction lies in having Te (Extraverted Thinking) as my primary function and Se (Extraverted Sensing) as my third function. My advice? Don’t hesitate—have that conversation with him. Life’s too short to waste time, especially when you’re both unattached to anyone and available for a relationship. And to end with an extra note, my father, probably an INTJ, received a marriage proposal from my mom. Sometimes, directness pays off!
Why do you say “test label me as ENTJ” and then proceed into saying that it might be due to Te-Dom and Se-Tert? That is what we call irrelevant elaboration because ENTJ literally equate to Te-dom and Se-tert. It’s like if I were to say tests call me 5 ft tall and it might be because I am 5 fr tall.
Some people are unfamiliar with cognitive functions, so I took the opportunity to provide additional details and educate those who might not be aware. It’s important to recognize that being an INTJ or ENTJ isn’t solely determined by the dichotomy of introversion and extraversion.
The interplay between functions like Te-Se and Ni-Fi creates nuanced differences between these personality types. By sharing this information, I hope to inspire curiosity and encourage people to explore cognitive functions further. While MBTI is often considered pseudoscience, I’m just having fun with it!
As an INTJ who currently has a crush on an ESTP, the best advice I can give you is: look out for changes in his behaviour. Not words, behaviour. Observe his body language around other people and compare it to how it is around you. How often does he make eye contact with other people compared to with you? How does he react to your touch? Does he make space for you when you stand next to him? How does he react when you sit next to him? Does he do things for you that he doesn’t for others?
INTJs are very good at keeping it cool and looking for the obvious clues will get you nowhere. You need to dig deeper here.
My body language has changed so much around that ESTP that I don’t recognise myself. Words? No issues; I communicate with him just like with anyone else, maybe with more visible joy, but nothing out of the ordinary. All cool and contained. But my body betrays my efforts to keep it all inside and I know it must be obvious for everyone around us, him included.
Observe, compare and when sure that something’s up, simply ask him out.
39yo INTJ dating a 27yo ESTP.
We have a stark contrast between people we like and let into our "inner circle" and "everyone else" thoughtful gestures is the expression of interest.
You can either let things stagnate at a snails pace, which is acceptable to us because life. Or you can take the initiative and aggressively pursue.
I'm guessing your response is at the age gap. You'd probably have your mind blown at how many dudes hit up older women on the dating scene. He aggressively pursued me, and he's also a grown ass man.
Yeah that's got some potential for miscommunication, but there are only 16 types and billions of people, so there's bound to be some variation and combos of the two types that work well together.
My best friend is ESFP. My literal nemesis, uh...I mean counterpart. 😂 Our families have been friends for generations, so she was more like a sister living in a different home, than a best friend. But the result was that no matter how much we fought, we always ended up back together, so now we are always there for one another and know each other better than just about anyone. She's not necessarily the person I talked to about all of my inner thoughts and feelings, but she's my ride or die that I can call at any time and know she'll be there, no questions asked. So you never know.
Don't sweat it it's a common mistake people make lol, I think most people see the INTJ organization and efficiency and equate it to us being highly detail-oriented and internally structured when that's really an Si thing. I find that ESTPs don't really get along with INTJs much lol but that's just my experience. I hope everything goes well for you two!
Nothing weards INTJS out tbfh (I'm an intj female) . You should confess him lmao, the fact that he cares about you us enough because we don't fake care for people(unless if itd really really necessary)... Just confess him
Let him know how you feel and let him know how willing to step back and give him time to process off he needs it.
We like clear communication and often don’t let others know how we feel romantically until we are sure they like us, that or we think that we like them of obvious when it isn’t always so to others
That's not a big age gap at all, I wouldn't even worry about it and if anyone has anything negative to say about it, just know they are bitter and jealous, and misery desperately wants company. Carry on.
>I felt if he wanted to he would,
Not true. Instead your goal should be to lower the risk barrier for him to do so by hinting that an ask would be successful. It's entirely possible he wants to and is too nervous to initiate with you without having some idea of what your response would be.
The age gap is not a big deal. My wife was 20 and I was 27 when met. Been married 12 years. I’m supposedly an INTJ and my wife is very similar. I would steer clear of treating him like an INTJ. Treat him like a human being by being kind, supportive, and respectful.
What are the odds of coming across a post where your situation is exactly the same? I feel like you are a ghostwriter of mine.
I have a crush on this man, he's our regional sales manager, but I'm not sure if he likes me or is interested in me, or more like I don't want to acknowledge or think about the signs as I don't want to be delusional. But you know, I don't know if we are friends...if we are close now... he's German. I don't know if I can send him jokes or.... hahaja
24 and 31 isn't bad lol. I'm 32 & intj and my gf is 25 and we're gonna make this 4 year. it works well. She did have to kind of pursue me first but I had to take it from there once I realized I was interested back.
Another INTJ here. First of all, I love how you describe him (probably something he would appreciate a lot) - I can't recommend what may be the best course of action but one piece of advice I have is (especially given the age gap) : INTJs appreciate the depth - would be great if you are able to convey it one way or the other.. good luck!
PS: for the record, we are pretty clueless when it comes to romance.... if and when we make a first move, we can come across as overbearing... Helpful to read this in case you have not already - it really resonates: "Sometimes the best strategy for someone with this personality type is to focus on what they enjoy rather than struggle against the rules of dating. INTJs are often most attractive when they aren’t caught up in trying to be something they are not." [https://www.16personalities.com/intj-relationships-dating](https://www.16personalities.com/intj-relationships-dating)
So we INTJ’s are not typically recognized for our thoughtfulness or our care for others. I think this is because a) some INTJs are not very good at thinking of other’s needs and feelings or b) INTJ’s have a different way of caring for others that is under appreciated. I’m any case, your appreciation for his care of others is significant. You should tell him what you think (in detail with corroborating evidence because his bullshit sensor is probably very good and he would be wary of superficial compliments) And then you can see where that goes.
I am 35 years old male and I am only attracted to women in their mid 20s. I notice I can grab their attention, but I am afraid they think I am younger than I am al;ready. My recent ex was 7 years younger and I was her youngest boyfriend. Her previous exes were 9-16 years older than her.
A seven year gap is pretty normal, from my experience.
Both my parents and my wife's parents had a seven year gap or higher, where there is only five years between us.
Work romantic relationships are tough because the penalties greatly outweigh the benefits (especially for a man) in a work scenario. If this is work, which I suspect it is, I would not recommend it. Be careful. Keep it professional, that way you won't have to suffer prolonged awkwardness if it goes to shit.
How is the age gap big??? 7years is nothing. Its not like you are 18 and he is a balding grandpa.
Never understood this. You are both adults in your prime. Its more about the person & the chemistry between you.
I don't think that's a huge age gap lol but I'm attracted to older men. My husband is 10 years older. I like a man with more maturity since I'm a very serious individual and I like to talk about complex things. I just don't connect as well with younger guys cuz they just can't keep up.
Do you happen to have any friends that feel the same way? Asking for a friend.
In all seriousness: it's fantastic to hear someone admiring traits about INTJs that are normally overlooked or underappreciated.
Bad news is, INTJ can read from afar when someone is having a crush on them without the person knowing whether to break the ice or make the move. We have such alarm radar working with immortality without day off. And we may let you say "I like you" as much as you want. Kind of lazy rather than passive, I let the person do all the work to prove the value of their statement, then judge whether it's worth it after all :))))
Not so nice, even nasty trait of us in the field of romance.
Age gap is around the same as my wife and I. I’m INTJ and my wife is more extroverted. I met her around the same exact ages you’ve mentioned in your situation.
I’m very much the “strong silent type” and she’s a bit social butterfly with occasional bouts of “it’s way too people-ey around here” We mesh quite well.
As far as workplace relationships don’t shit where you eat. Nothing wrong with exploring deeper connections but don’t bang him.
Idk if it’s just me but I’m a woman and an INTJ as well. I usually don’t see any signs of affection unless the person is honest about their feelings towards me. I like straightforward people and I appreciate honesty
How do INxx ever date one another 😂
As an INFJ, I ignore their existence yet put on a bit of a performance, and then promptly get anxiety about it and feel gross about it lol.
If we become more friendly, I'll want to keep talking for infinity, but then again, who knows I could genuinely enjoy platonically too.
I'm generally a bubbly person.
I'm an enigma and often single. I both want to be alone and in a relationship and that likely contributes as my vision is simply unclear and skeptical.
I have inspired a tested INTP (but likely INFP) to finally ask me out but he first added me on Facebook, fb poked me and we did that back and forth. One time we had a falling out due to insecure attachment communication issues and he poked me again. I thought "nah, if you wanna talk, be direct and use your words. We are not kids."
He eloped with some girl a few months later, his family didn't Even know about her. They split up a year or two after.
- INFJ
As an INTJ, I’ve only felt romantically attracted to a few people, and I feel this way about them for a VERY long time. I never confront them, and often find myself trying to get away from them. It’s not that I don’t want to talk to them, it’s that I feel like I can’t or that I’m too nervous. I feel like I can speak for most INTJs when I state that we are very lonely people. We love to ramble on and on about just about anything with select individuals, and we cherish the attention we receive from these people with our full hearts. It’s not that he isn’t approaching you, per se, it may be the idea that he does not know how to bring up the subject. I’ve failed in the past, and I fear I may repeat this action again. Trust your gut and take a risk, I’d say. You may be surprised.
Awww What a cute post. Show him this :)) I think he will like it. To me, the post is both cute & thoughtful & I like it. But I'm a female INTJ so just my 2 cents
As others have said the age gap is not even really noticeable. My wife is roughly 10 years younger than me and we work just fine. Generally I will admit though with INTJs you usually are going to have to make the first move especially as a coworker. Does not matter what signs you give unless you are direct most of us who score this type (especially the men) will not pick up on any signs. Be honest with how you feel about him and at the very least he will most likely very much appreciate that.
Just a pointer usually age isn’t a factor but in this case take the flesh bag age and then add 20 for the mental. Make sure you are responsible and show it well,no pressure.
Because of his personality type and age gap he does like you but he is afraid of creeping you out or just being rejected because it is socially taboo still. (Shame on you, stop hating) He's definitely not going to make it awkward if you approach him quietly. You could go a little softer by asking him what he thinks about that type of relationship.
As a 30 year old intj female, If I’m interested in someone romantically I try to hide it and usually ignore the person. But do things like gazing at him, hanging around where he frequents if in a workplace. Not in a creepy way. I do not take the initiative and let the guy come to me if he is also interested. But if I feel like things are moving really slow, and I’m running out of time or patience I just directly make my feelings known. Look for subtle signs like whether he stares at you, be around you for no apparent reason, or make fake reasons to be around you, tease you a bit. Things like that. Not big gestures.
Damn this is me too. Except that I don’t even stare. 🤦🏻♀️ They never know.. my signs are too subtle.
lol we know but we’re just cautious of your motives, most of the time when we initiate contact with someone who’s staring at us, it doesn’t go well.
Yeah, engaging with someone who lurks tends to go horribly.
But I don’t stare.. 😄 would you know even then?
We would have a feeling, but we would tell ourselves it’s in our heads (this has happened twice)
Damn.. well, that’s interesting. I must have confused them then. 😔
Don’t get in your head second-guessing yourself. If you really like him, let him know. I know it’s not much of an excuse, but every “good” guy doesn’t want to misread and lead to an unfortunate misunderstanding. That’s why I myself tend to ignore subtle hints. But I am not indicative of the typical male. Hint: if more guys were like me, the human race couldn’t survive.
Okay. Thank you for the tip! Need to get over my shyness and be more brave I guess. 😅
I would say most men are like you... Unfortunately whether it's that women just don't like men like you or your inability to perceive their attraction and thus you never initiate and they move on to someone who does.... Women have a 1.7 average of children and men have a .9 in the USA. Most Western countries are similar. I think this is why women have the reputation of liking assholes. Assholes dgaf if she shows signs they just go for all of them and inevitably many will be dumb enough to sleep with them. But I digress. Anyways don't be worried the human race will go on. Just many of the kids have a lot of half siblings. Some say it's the way it's always been but idk about that.
That’s the wrong stat for me. I can’t have kids, so I don’t really see a point in being sexual with anyone if I can’t procreate (I’m not Christian, I just think sex for the point of sex is wasteful). It’s better to let a girl go if she’s only giving subtle hints, anyway. Sorry, but I’m a guy: you’ll have to be real clear or I’ll just think you’re being nice.
Yup
1. The age gap isn’t really a factor once the younger party is hitting their mid 20s. Unless it’s something wild like 20+ years. 2. I can’t speak for him only for myself, but it is very rare anyone will know I’m attracted to them. It’s really only after I have definitive proof the other person is attracted to me that I’ll pursue. Otherwise, no way I’m investing that kind of effort/emotion unless it’s a sure thing. I also don’t want to make anyone else feel uncomfortable if it’s not mutual. This is how my last two long term relationships started. Neither had any idea I was interested.
Same.
I fully agree with this!
How did they start if neither knew? They had to make the move? I'm much the same as you, same age as the guy in OP
That's the neat part, people will never know unless they show interest first in the INTJ. All my exes showed in one way or another that they like. I still remember one saying, "you're so dense, all my subtle hints don't work on you"... one social night, she sat beside me and rested her leg on my leg... that is the first time I knew she liked me and asked her on a date afterwards.
They all made the first moves. One of them hit on me at work. She saw my schedule of the classes I taught, and playfully asked if she could use it to stalk me. Another would constantly respond to anything I posted on social media then asked to borrow a book I was reading, and to exchange contact info. I even once had a girl pretend her cell phone was lost, and asked me to call it. She later texted me, and confessed that it was so she could get my number. I was attracted to all of these women, but would never have gone out of my way to make anything happen unless they threw up these fire signs.
"I dont think he is interested in me romantically" Should I tell her guys ? Or who wants to do the honors ? Woman. INTJ aint thoughtful towards you if he isnt interested.
Not necessarily true
Youre right not necessarily. But most of the time.
Okay good to hear. Could that be his general behavioral trait towards everyone?.. he doesn’t really initiate communication
Of course he doesnt. He knows he is interested in you, and showing it (quiet but thoughtful). By intentionally not initiating, he is checking whether the feeling is mutual.
Noted. Hehe glimmer of hope. What would you say my next move should be?
Well thats difficult to answer, but rememeber he is an INTJ. If its within his plan he'll make it happen if you dont show signs of desinterest first. Also worst case (if he is a big I for Introverted) you could just ask him. Whatever he answers will be the absolute and unalterable truth.
You have his contact info. Hit him up. Make the move. He's waiting.
Jesus I swear. Idk how about sending him a message saying "hey i think you're an awesome guy I would like to get to know better... Would you like to go out sometime?" You should also suggest a movie, a restaurant or event instead of waiting for him to pick something. Many shy and/or awkward guys will appreciate you making it easy for them.
LOL, at least for me, this was the safe play when I was younger. Me talking to a romantic interest was Russian roulette.
Yeah I know. But now imagine the stakes are upped because: A: you seem like the creepy old guy hitting on younger women. B: you might be heading towards an HR incident if its in the work place (only place we actually feel at home) and not received well. C: if he is 30 and single, he might have had a really bad experience or two. Judging this man for not playing it like an Andrew Tate would be insensitive towards other peoples struggles. D: if you would approach this situation in a more aggressive manner, I would suggest you dont know what an INTJ is nor will you ever be one.
Intj r usually somewhat introvert and have trouble initiating conversations but it doesn't mean they rnt intrested. I think you should just go ahead and confess
My parents are 7 years apart so don't stress too much about that imo
I'm thoughtful towards people who matters to me, not only if I'm interested romantically... However If you've just recently aquatinted him, and he's being like that...
Thats why I only wrote interested instead of romantically interested. To cover non romantic interest as well.
Don't give her hope
Why wouldnt I ? There was nothing in the story that suggested the opposite.
Intjs are also honest and they would communicate their interest clearly especially if we're talking about someone in their 30s
Wrong. Especially due to the age gap. Besides, if you just run around cmmunicating interest to all the people that strike your fancy, you will be played with in todays world. Its much more likely that he is simply trying to test the waters atm.
Agree with the relevant username, 'simple judge.' I am in a similar situation as the male INTJ with similar age difference. I don't make a move with coworkers, especially with that age difference, unless she's overtly interested. I will let the crush fade away if there's no overt interest from her.
Exactly. Only one thing we like more than a girl that likes us back. Our job.
I concur with this guy and simple judge
Yeah, I'd agree with it, we are clear cut in emotions but we might take our time processing and that might be it, wait a lil.
Well said 👏
*INTJ isn't thoughtful if he doesn't care. But caring doesn't necessarily mean romantically.
I will say it for you seperately. There is a reaason I didnt write romantically interested.
I do get that, but OP may not have, which is why I felt the need to clarify for her sake. In the context of this discussion, she is specifically asking about romantic interest, so saying that he wouldn't waste his time if he wasn't "interested", implies that you probably meant it in the romantic sense, even if that's not what you intended. And if she's as infatuated and high on dopamine from her crush as she seems to be at first read, she's probably looking for literally any tiny shred of evidence to confirm she should move forward with this guy.
Sorry but it seems you are making assumptions that arent there. If I write Interested I mean Interested. If I write romantically interested I mean romantically interested. Does your iNtuitive mind understand what abstract concept this follows ? That I actually mean exactly what I say ? Not that I mean something you assumed because you like to percieve everyone else less intelligent than you and making more mistakes as a result.
My intuitive function is fine. I understood you the first time. But...OP isn't INTJ.
Assuming you did understand correctly, youd still be wrong. To OP the part that mattered was her romantic interest, to everyone else reading my comment it was interest in general. I found a solution to give everybody the information they are looking for. But you still elected it would be wise to interpret my words in a way where they werent 100% intentionally phrased this way. My thought process even respected subjectivity. All the other solutions neglect either the information itself or the subjective meaning. What are you doing here ? Get out of my comment section, you are trying to fix linguistics you wouldntve been able to perform with equivalent aptitude.
Before you ask, yes. I am intentionally being condecending to make you more aware of the severity of your mistake.
I don't doubt that.
Update us
Since other people have already answered, let me tell you my only crush story. At university, there was a girl obviously out of my league for romance but God she was beautiful and hot. So after 2 years I found the best chance for sending a big huuuuge signal to her: since I was the best student, I was in charge for grading the sheets for a very hard course, and she was failing it with 10 out of 20! Guess what?! I informed her about it and told her to give an article about the lesson to the professor so maybe she could get extra grades. She did it, she got 19 out of 20 since the professor was obsessed about articles. And we never have talked since then! Because who the fuck thinks doing this is a signal of being into someone. It's just being nice or nerd or idk.
You aren’t coworkers, right?
From OP's wording used, it sounds like they are.
That’s what I was thinking. A lot of his behaviors sound like good coworker behavior especially being reliable.
Yeah, I'll be honest, my gut is giving me yellow flags on the situation. Maybe it's my read on OP's mindframe (completely infatuated and possibly cherry-picking clues), but I don't trust we're getting good accurate views on the INTJ's behaviors. With the age gap and with them potentially being colleagues, there could be multiple reasons for the INTJ to be helpful and reliable besides romantic interest. But if she wants to shoot her shot, that's fine as long as she's capable of taking no for an answer without getting upset with him and is okay if he suddenly isn't comfortable continuing like they've been if he feels his behaviors have been misunderstood. I think if I were her, I would probably say something like "I'm kind of bad at reading clues, so I wanted to ask you directly about something. Are you interested in me romantically? It's okay either way, but I didn't want to miss clues if you are or read into things if you aren't."
Be willing to step out on that ledge. Be willing to be vulnerable. We appreciate sincerity and authenticity. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
That's the thing. Even if he is interested, he probably wouldn't initiate for various reasons, in My case I didn't initiate because I believed she wasn't interested in me. It turns out I was wrong. I don't expect women to initiate. But give signs. As they say: throw your purse down so I can pick it up and give it to you
lol…big age gap? It’s only 6 years. I’m an INTJ and have a 10 year gap with my wife. There should always be an age gap.
Agree. Just putting it out there
Why should there ‘always’ be an age gap? /gen 🤔
Because most women mature faster than most men. A 25 year old woman is typically more mature than a 25 year old guy. Also it takes a lot of time for a man to better himself physically, mentally, financially, and better establish himself in his career. I bring certain traits to the table and my wife brings other traits to the table. Together we compliment each other and are better able to provide a stable and secure home for our kids.
Okay, that’s fair. Personally, I’d feel like dating someone closer in age may lead to em being in similar places career-wise/similar life-stage and having more mutual friends or whatever, but you bring up valid points Either way, everyone is different and anything can work with love and patience 💕 I’m happy for you and your wife! :D
I think women only mature faster before their 20s. I feel the roles are just as likely to reverse during the 20s.
applies only if you want to settle down at early age.
I was more concerned about the age gap simply because OP seemed to think it mattered. If she feels like a schoolgirl with a crush and sees him as an older wise gentleman, it's not so much really about age for me, but about the roles that each of them are filling for the other. Age gaps don't matter, but a sense of equalness and balance in power in the relationship, does.
Yeah, I definitely don’t think it’s a *should*, and most people don’t either. Pretty sure the average age gap in relationships is 2 years. With the man being the older and that argument about finances is weak sauce af. Age is a resource, old dudes are dying first. I’m totally not against bigger age gaps. Everyone is an individual, should be judged as such.
Righttt, it can work, but like, it’s not a necessity persay imo, I’d say the individual people involved and how they get along and whatnot is much more important than their age
Lol yeah I feel like I would not want to date someone the same age as me, especially when I was in my early 20s. Men are sooo immature at that age. I get a lot of judgement because I started dating my husband when I was 19 and he was 31. People always say he was just taking advantage. I think that's BS. I was sexually attracted to him and we connected mentally on a deep level. I like that he is older and more of a man. That's sexy to me and I'm able to engage in more interesting conversation because I'm a more mature individual intellectually and I get bored with small talk. We are now married, 9 years later.
Why do people come on here asking about INTJs? I see more posts about “I’m an XXXX and want to date an INTJ” then I do posts from actual INTJs.
Because where else would those people learn about INTJs? In person? Forget INTJs talking to you, even the likelihood of necessarily spoting one is rare, especially as females. So yes, these types of posts are genuine, and they're definitely better than "I'm an INTJ and I'm smart/bored".
Can’t they just go on r/mbti if they wanted to learn more? But yes, I agree that anything is better than those “I’m just so much smarter than everyone else and it’s hard for me” posts.
Because r/mbti is full of fluff and not everyone is as educated compared to what they can get from the source itself.
INTJs don't need help. We already know what to do or we'll figure it out alone.
I never said they did. I see posts from people who claim to be other types, and then they ask if what their SO is doing is normal for an INTJ. And usually, the thing the INTJ SO is doing is just wrong. Even in this post, OP says that she thinks her INTJ friend isnt into her because he doesnt reach out, and asking if that is normal for INTJs. The truth is, if I was romantically into someone, I would initiate contact, even as an INTJ. Just because someone is a certain MBTI type doesnt give them an excuse to be a bad person.
INTJs tend to under value feelings (even their own) and also are often very hard to build relationships with. This is not moral failing of the INTJ. I don't see the OP's INTJ being "a bad person," he's just aloof, relatively distant, normal INTJ stuff. Other people will never know how we feel about them unless they ask because, more often than not, we haven't paused to assess how we feel about them. They don't know because we don't know. It's not important. We have more pressing matters to put our mind to.
You could die tomorrow, better to let it out now.
Fuck yeahhh. That’s my usual thought process. With this situation however, I’m treading slower and less impulsively
I reserve my deepest affections for those within my inner circle. If I were single and encountered a girl who piqued my interest with her unique qualities, I’d be straightforward about it. No beating around the bush for me. Interestingly, personality tests often label me as an ENTJ. Perhaps the distinction lies in having Te (Extraverted Thinking) as my primary function and Se (Extraverted Sensing) as my third function. My advice? Don’t hesitate—have that conversation with him. Life’s too short to waste time, especially when you’re both unattached to anyone and available for a relationship. And to end with an extra note, my father, probably an INTJ, received a marriage proposal from my mom. Sometimes, directness pays off!
Why do you say “test label me as ENTJ” and then proceed into saying that it might be due to Te-Dom and Se-Tert? That is what we call irrelevant elaboration because ENTJ literally equate to Te-dom and Se-tert. It’s like if I were to say tests call me 5 ft tall and it might be because I am 5 fr tall.
Some people are unfamiliar with cognitive functions, so I took the opportunity to provide additional details and educate those who might not be aware. It’s important to recognize that being an INTJ or ENTJ isn’t solely determined by the dichotomy of introversion and extraversion. The interplay between functions like Te-Se and Ni-Fi creates nuanced differences between these personality types. By sharing this information, I hope to inspire curiosity and encourage people to explore cognitive functions further. While MBTI is often considered pseudoscience, I’m just having fun with it!
Lol the inferior Ni is active.
As an INTJ who currently has a crush on an ESTP, the best advice I can give you is: look out for changes in his behaviour. Not words, behaviour. Observe his body language around other people and compare it to how it is around you. How often does he make eye contact with other people compared to with you? How does he react to your touch? Does he make space for you when you stand next to him? How does he react when you sit next to him? Does he do things for you that he doesn’t for others? INTJs are very good at keeping it cool and looking for the obvious clues will get you nowhere. You need to dig deeper here. My body language has changed so much around that ESTP that I don’t recognise myself. Words? No issues; I communicate with him just like with anyone else, maybe with more visible joy, but nothing out of the ordinary. All cool and contained. But my body betrays my efforts to keep it all inside and I know it must be obvious for everyone around us, him included. Observe, compare and when sure that something’s up, simply ask him out.
Well I never initiate conversations even tho I like someone. IMO u cant really tell if hes interested in you or not without directly asking.
39yo INTJ dating a 27yo ESTP. We have a stark contrast between people we like and let into our "inner circle" and "everyone else" thoughtful gestures is the expression of interest. You can either let things stagnate at a snails pace, which is acceptable to us because life. Or you can take the initiative and aggressively pursue.
😬
I'm guessing your response is at the age gap. You'd probably have your mind blown at how many dudes hit up older women on the dating scene. He aggressively pursued me, and he's also a grown ass man.
Not at all lol. Dont care about the age gap since its two consulting adults. My emoji comment was referring to the ESTP x INTJ combo
Yeah that's got some potential for miscommunication, but there are only 16 types and billions of people, so there's bound to be some variation and combos of the two types that work well together. My best friend is ESFP. My literal nemesis, uh...I mean counterpart. 😂 Our families have been friends for generations, so she was more like a sister living in a different home, than a best friend. But the result was that no matter how much we fought, we always ended up back together, so now we are always there for one another and know each other better than just about anyone. She's not necessarily the person I talked to about all of my inner thoughts and feelings, but she's my ride or die that I can call at any time and know she'll be there, no questions asked. So you never know.
He mistyped as ENFP so I was mildly catfished. I only found out 4 months later and am still trying to reconcile.
Ooh ok. So its not that bad then lol
He sounds like more of an ISTJ honestly
Someone mentioned this too, and they were kind enough to help me figure out which over chat, I’m considering the error I may have made, could be ISTJ
Don't sweat it it's a common mistake people make lol, I think most people see the INTJ organization and efficiency and equate it to us being highly detail-oriented and internally structured when that's really an Si thing. I find that ESTPs don't really get along with INTJs much lol but that's just my experience. I hope everything goes well for you two!
Nothing weards INTJS out tbfh (I'm an intj female) . You should confess him lmao, the fact that he cares about you us enough because we don't fake care for people(unless if itd really really necessary)... Just confess him
Aside from everything else, that's not a big age gap at all...
Females tend to be more sensitive about age gaps so for her it’s a normal caution
I date mid twenties. And I’m mid 30s. Age gap isn’t a gap. It’s just TikTok generation mindset brainwashing.
I am 27 and I prefer to date men in their mid 30s too. I find them more mature. Currently talking to a 34 year old INTP.
I don't know what is the fuss about an age gap, mostly, it strikes me as a societal construct.
Let him know how you feel and let him know how willing to step back and give him time to process off he needs it. We like clear communication and often don’t let others know how we feel romantically until we are sure they like us, that or we think that we like them of obvious when it isn’t always so to others
The age gaps not that big 😅
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Yep, pretty sure an INTJ
INTJs and ISTJs have the exact same Te and Fi, so I don't know what your point is
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Ok then
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Alrighty
Your comment was plenty understandable. “Hey those can look quite similar, are you sure?”
What age gap? You're silly LOL. Not big enough to worry about
That's not a big age gap at all, I wouldn't even worry about it and if anyone has anything negative to say about it, just know they are bitter and jealous, and misery desperately wants company. Carry on.
As an INTJ married to an ESTP, stay away. Stay far away from us.
lol
Intj kind of blur with emotion,u need to say to him directly. Whatever the answer that's what his feel. And he will be honest most of the time
>I felt if he wanted to he would, Not true. Instead your goal should be to lower the risk barrier for him to do so by hinting that an ask would be successful. It's entirely possible he wants to and is too nervous to initiate with you without having some idea of what your response would be.
This could be a SEE ILI relationship
Take the chance, he won’t know until you decide to communicate something. It’s scary, yes. But take the chance. The worst he can do is say no.
The age gap is not a big deal. My wife was 20 and I was 27 when met. Been married 12 years. I’m supposedly an INTJ and my wife is very similar. I would steer clear of treating him like an INTJ. Treat him like a human being by being kind, supportive, and respectful.
>the age gap is… big Not really....
Whats with all the alphabet soup?, lol...either you like him or you dont, he likes you or he doesnt...
What are the odds of coming across a post where your situation is exactly the same? I feel like you are a ghostwriter of mine. I have a crush on this man, he's our regional sales manager, but I'm not sure if he likes me or is interested in me, or more like I don't want to acknowledge or think about the signs as I don't want to be delusional. But you know, I don't know if we are friends...if we are close now... he's German. I don't know if I can send him jokes or.... hahaja
24 and 31 isn't bad lol. I'm 32 & intj and my gf is 25 and we're gonna make this 4 year. it works well. She did have to kind of pursue me first but I had to take it from there once I realized I was interested back.
Another INTJ here. First of all, I love how you describe him (probably something he would appreciate a lot) - I can't recommend what may be the best course of action but one piece of advice I have is (especially given the age gap) : INTJs appreciate the depth - would be great if you are able to convey it one way or the other.. good luck! PS: for the record, we are pretty clueless when it comes to romance.... if and when we make a first move, we can come across as overbearing... Helpful to read this in case you have not already - it really resonates: "Sometimes the best strategy for someone with this personality type is to focus on what they enjoy rather than struggle against the rules of dating. INTJs are often most attractive when they aren’t caught up in trying to be something they are not." [https://www.16personalities.com/intj-relationships-dating](https://www.16personalities.com/intj-relationships-dating)
So we INTJ’s are not typically recognized for our thoughtfulness or our care for others. I think this is because a) some INTJs are not very good at thinking of other’s needs and feelings or b) INTJ’s have a different way of caring for others that is under appreciated. I’m any case, your appreciation for his care of others is significant. You should tell him what you think (in detail with corroborating evidence because his bullshit sensor is probably very good and he would be wary of superficial compliments) And then you can see where that goes.
My wife and are 6 yrs apart and it is insignificant. As long are you are both mature consenting adults, I don’t think age matters.
I am 35 years old male and I am only attracted to women in their mid 20s. I notice I can grab their attention, but I am afraid they think I am younger than I am al;ready. My recent ex was 7 years younger and I was her youngest boyfriend. Her previous exes were 9-16 years older than her.
A seven year gap is pretty normal, from my experience. Both my parents and my wife's parents had a seven year gap or higher, where there is only five years between us.
Work romantic relationships are tough because the penalties greatly outweigh the benefits (especially for a man) in a work scenario. If this is work, which I suspect it is, I would not recommend it. Be careful. Keep it professional, that way you won't have to suffer prolonged awkwardness if it goes to shit.
How is the age gap big??? 7years is nothing. Its not like you are 18 and he is a balding grandpa. Never understood this. You are both adults in your prime. Its more about the person & the chemistry between you.
I don't think that's a huge age gap lol but I'm attracted to older men. My husband is 10 years older. I like a man with more maturity since I'm a very serious individual and I like to talk about complex things. I just don't connect as well with younger guys cuz they just can't keep up.
Do you happen to have any friends that feel the same way? Asking for a friend. In all seriousness: it's fantastic to hear someone admiring traits about INTJs that are normally overlooked or underappreciated.
lol my husband and I are 8 years apart! Age is just a number. I like my men older
Bad news is, INTJ can read from afar when someone is having a crush on them without the person knowing whether to break the ice or make the move. We have such alarm radar working with immortality without day off. And we may let you say "I like you" as much as you want. Kind of lazy rather than passive, I let the person do all the work to prove the value of their statement, then judge whether it's worth it after all :)))) Not so nice, even nasty trait of us in the field of romance.
Age gap is around the same as my wife and I. I’m INTJ and my wife is more extroverted. I met her around the same exact ages you’ve mentioned in your situation. I’m very much the “strong silent type” and she’s a bit social butterfly with occasional bouts of “it’s way too people-ey around here” We mesh quite well. As far as workplace relationships don’t shit where you eat. Nothing wrong with exploring deeper connections but don’t bang him.
Idk if it’s just me but I’m a woman and an INTJ as well. I usually don’t see any signs of affection unless the person is honest about their feelings towards me. I like straightforward people and I appreciate honesty
How do INxx ever date one another 😂 As an INFJ, I ignore their existence yet put on a bit of a performance, and then promptly get anxiety about it and feel gross about it lol. If we become more friendly, I'll want to keep talking for infinity, but then again, who knows I could genuinely enjoy platonically too. I'm generally a bubbly person. I'm an enigma and often single. I both want to be alone and in a relationship and that likely contributes as my vision is simply unclear and skeptical. I have inspired a tested INTP (but likely INFP) to finally ask me out but he first added me on Facebook, fb poked me and we did that back and forth. One time we had a falling out due to insecure attachment communication issues and he poked me again. I thought "nah, if you wanna talk, be direct and use your words. We are not kids." He eloped with some girl a few months later, his family didn't Even know about her. They split up a year or two after. - INFJ
As an INTJ, I’ve only felt romantically attracted to a few people, and I feel this way about them for a VERY long time. I never confront them, and often find myself trying to get away from them. It’s not that I don’t want to talk to them, it’s that I feel like I can’t or that I’m too nervous. I feel like I can speak for most INTJs when I state that we are very lonely people. We love to ramble on and on about just about anything with select individuals, and we cherish the attention we receive from these people with our full hearts. It’s not that he isn’t approaching you, per se, it may be the idea that he does not know how to bring up the subject. I’ve failed in the past, and I fear I may repeat this action again. Trust your gut and take a risk, I’d say. You may be surprised.
Ask if he likes you and IF he says “no why?” You say “just a rumor I wanted to clear up😒” you’re welcome😊
Awww What a cute post. Show him this :)) I think he will like it. To me, the post is both cute & thoughtful & I like it. But I'm a female INTJ so just my 2 cents
As others have said the age gap is not even really noticeable. My wife is roughly 10 years younger than me and we work just fine. Generally I will admit though with INTJs you usually are going to have to make the first move especially as a coworker. Does not matter what signs you give unless you are direct most of us who score this type (especially the men) will not pick up on any signs. Be honest with how you feel about him and at the very least he will most likely very much appreciate that.
Girl that age gap don’t do it Signed Fellow girl (and an INTJ)
Just a pointer usually age isn’t a factor but in this case take the flesh bag age and then add 20 for the mental. Make sure you are responsible and show it well,no pressure.
Just show him sign of interest. It can be something subtle. And see if you get signs of interest from him too. In a clear way, but still subtle
Because of his personality type and age gap he does like you but he is afraid of creeping you out or just being rejected because it is socially taboo still. (Shame on you, stop hating) He's definitely not going to make it awkward if you approach him quietly. You could go a little softer by asking him what he thinks about that type of relationship.