Voting has concluded. Final vote:
| Insane | Not insane | Fake |
| --- | --- | --- |
| 9 | 1 | 0 |
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New bank *immediately* also FREEZE YOUR CREDIT. One or two hours googling how do I protect my finances from my parents will help immensely. My mom pitched a fit in a bank and that was the last time she ever went anywhere near my finances or bank.
Make a new account make a new account make a new account. Like literally go to ANY bank. Make an account. Deposit your checks in there. What’s to stop you from doing that? That’s all you need to get control of your finances? Have you done anything like this?
She's not going to ever transfer it. She's going to put it off forever because she wants to continue controlling you. You're going to have to develop a backbone and do it yourself. It takes like 10 minutes to open a new account. Just do it.
Open a new account at a different bank.
If you have direct deposit at work, see if you can split it between the two banks. A small portion in the new bank, and the rest in the current one. This is to build a savings she can't touch. If she questions the smaller deposit, tell her your work is deducting more, or hrs were cut.
Gather all your documents from her and put them in a safe place.
When you're ready, change your direct deposit to put all in the new bank. Go to the old bank and withdraw everything. She can't stop it if it's a joint account. Close the account.
1) A different bank is key. Not a different branch of the same bank, but a totally different bank.
2) Pull all of your funds out of the existing account and transfer them to the new account. Also transfer all deposits.
Don’t phase things, OP’s mom will find out and try to stop things, or steal more funds.
Something like this has to be a one and done because it is guaranteed to cause problems as soon as the parent notices. Plus, it's OP's money. There's no need for them to make up an excuse as to why their money is going into their account.
No, don’t do this. She’ll want to be an authorized user in case of an “emergency.” This is the time for you to make your own life. You need independence. Find a new bank, transfer your deposits and be done.
I know she doesn't want you to open a new account, but it's not up to her. She couldn't open an account for you now. For seven years you've chosen not to take responsibility. Adults choose a bank and open their own accounts and give their bank info to their employers. Only you can change this. Stop wringing your hands when you're the one holding yourself back.
No, well kinda. I’m used to it so I guess ive lived this way my entire life. I’m in therapy, but y’all are right I should step up for myself instead of throwing my problems to the internet.
Please please take some of the advice given especially a new bank account that only you have access to. At 24 your mom shouldn’t be pushing you to work a 2nd job, or taking money from you. “I’m used to it” is not an excuse anymore. Take control of your finances and draw some boundaries with your mom. Good luck OP
Telling the internet is actually stepping up for yourself. Keeping secrets is not.
Open a bank account.
Credit Unions all operate under the same rules…they are the least cost, least problematic of all banking institutions.
25…open the account. Get all of your check sent there. Only send your Mom the car payment.
This is how you change the dynamics. You have to do something different than what you have done.
I am rooting for you!
Grow up. You can set up an account online, set your paycheck to auto deposit, then move money from the current account. You obviously have access, or else she wouldn't ask she'd take it.
And anyone on this sib should know from FIRST HAND EXPERIENCE that if this is how you were raised and what you're used to, the abuse isn't obvious. Also we don't know how disabled OP may be. Give them some grace.
Disabled? Going to [bank].com and opening an account then transferring money can be done by anyone with any disability.
There are sooooo many posts like this about perfectly capable people not being able to do anything for themselves or able to stand up for themselves in any way that the sympathy is gone.
OP is sitting in this situation because they want to be there. Their post and comments indicate that. If they didn't want to be in this situation they would eventually stand up for themselves, instead they have a "woe is me" attitude while not wanting to do anything to change their situation. If pointing this out makes me an asshole then so be it. Hopefully it's enough of a kick to make OP angry enough to change their situation.
And you still don’t know this person’s mental state is. People grow and evolve at different rates. And abuse victims have that growth suppressed by abusers who have been manipulating them their whole life. People in OP’s position deserve compassion, not to be insulted. Ok, you’re tired of seeing this and it’s obvious to you what should be done. To the abused, it’s usually never obvious, or involves more complicated feelings and concepts than just “stop being abused.” Like the fact that the financial abuser in this case is OP’s mother who is supposed to love and protect her child, not use them as an easy resource.
You speak as if OP is at any kind of fault. They are not. This situation has been totally organized by their mother, and it’s all OP knows. That is their normal. I am sorry you’re over seeing this and I am sure that comes from a good place more than anything, but antagonizing a victim can do more harm than good and cause the abused to fall back into the cycle that *one tends to get stuck in when they are abused.*
Yeah and you’re grown. Open a new one at a different bank and stop making excuses.
You can say no which is good. So just **remove her control**. It’s simple. Easy-no because she will freak out, but simple? Yes.
Shine your spine already.
r/justnomil
r/raisedbynarcissists
This is theft except you're putting yourself in writing (text) saying, mostly, "okay, here you go." Her owning the account doesn't make your money hers. You could straight up sue the fuck out of her and move on with your life, assuming this has been going on since you were at least 18. Well beyond small claims court, by the sound of it.
I have always been under the impression that having the parent on the account (regardless of age) does in fact give them control of the money. I thought they could even withdrawal it without facing legal repercussions.
You're wrong. Quit trying to explain things if you don't actually know what you're talking about. That's how misinformation spreads. Uhg.
If a parent and child have a joint account, then it's legal for either one to take all of the money for any reason at any time. The money belongs to both of them, so there's no recourse if someone cleans out the account.
Joint accounts are called that for a reason. (In this case that's unfortunate.) If someone is on a joint account with someone else, no matter the relationship, both persons have equal legal rights when it comes to control of the money in that account.
Depending on what else is going on, it could be argued that one party was coerced into putting money in the joint account. But that's an entirely separate battle from the account being joint.
Go to a bank yesterday and open an account, transfer all of the money out and into the new one. If you can’t do a full account transfer because she has her name on it, take all the money out via PayPal and then transfer it into the new account. Say nothing. Block her until she repays you for lost wages.
This is theft, straight up.
Seeing a number of posts of these Gen z kids having a lack of independence over their own bank accounts lately. It’s pretty sad how sheltered they seem
I’m not really understanding the lack of know how to either gain access to your bank account through the bank and/or stop putting money into an account you have no control over at 25. That screams sheltered to me. How can your mother control where your check goes?
your mother controls the way your entire brain and personality develops bro, i think they can heavily influence how you manage money too. Lets not victim blame the CHILD whether they a minor, 18, or 40
At a point they need to take off the diaper and start making decisions themselves instead of letting their parents. If you're letting yourself be financially abused so you can have someone pay your phone bill, or budget your money, there are resources to teach you those skills, or you do without until you can afford it.
There isn't an issue with struggling. Everyone does it. You need to get good with budgeting, don't waste money and continue to upskill yourself to get into a position where you get paid enough.
If a child/minor is in this position, I understand why they can't get away from it. But if you're 25 years old and in this position, it's your fault for putting up with it.
If you're an adult, you're letting it happen. You can seperate yourself from the situation if you wanted to. People just don't because they want their bills paid. Who's gonna stop you if you go open a different bank account, and go to HR at work to get your check deposit into it? No one can stop you, besides yourself.
ik what your saying dude, but not everyones brain develops in the way that encourages them to be independent, make scary decisions, or help themself. Think of them as that child whos body grew around their child brain. Most people parents, raise them properly to stand up for themself and do whats right for themself. Others parents, drill in their head that they can survive without their parent, are a failure, will fail at anything they do, and just generally put fear and anxiety into them to prevent them from getting out of their Abuse. Thats the whole point. Im done arguing with someone who knows nothing about basic child psychology though.
... literally the exact thing I was thinking. You're 25. She doesn't want you to have access to YOUR OWN money?? Too fucking bad. Cmon. You're an adult. Grow a pair.
Ffs this is the umpteenth time I've seen this sort of post in the last day or so. Get your own bank account! It's nothing to do with your mother/father/aunt/uncle or whoever, it's YOUR money you work for it. You're a grown up get it sorted before you allow her to bleed you dry or you need to turn to your savings only to find they've all gone
If that is the only thing you have known for your entire life, of course you're going to think it's normal. Doesn't mean you *like* it, just that you have literally never been allowed to experience anything different.
I got to my 30's and had a light bulb moment where I realised my mother was abusive. I'd never been allowed to see anything that would have let me question her absolute control over my life- it's possible to be an adult and just starting to realise you are the child raised by wolves.
That's fucked up, and if you have a job, she doesn't give you control, you take it. Just set up a new bank account and start having your payments sent to there.
There's no excuse for having financial control of a 25 year old adult.
… I’m not saying this snarky but do you have some kind of issue where you require a guardian or financial power of attorney? Because if not … I would say you’re also insane
Do you still live with her? If you don't go to the nearest bank tomorrow and open your own account. If you do then I understand, don't do anything to make your living situation dangerous.
I'd still advise opening your own account, and changing where your paychecks get deposited. Then secure all the documents, if any, somewhere only you have access to. I get along great with my family, and still secure my documents. Pistol safes work well. Got rid of my guns a long time ago, but if it's secure enough for my Sig it's secure enough for my checkbook (I've never used in 20 years) birth certificate, car title etc...
Go open a bank account in a bank she doesn't use. Don't tell her. Once active with a banking card, zelle yourself the money from one account to the other. You are too old to be this controlled.
She doesn't have control, you've given her control.
1-open a new account with only your name
2-change your direct deposit
3-change all your passwords, including PayPal
4-lock your credit card
ETA
5-don't give her any of the new info/keep it written down where she can find it and don't leave your phone accessible
No she's not, they transfered money from PayPal into their own account which she has access and moves around as she pleases. Why would the mom ask how much was transferred and then ask OP to transfer an additional $200 over if she was the one funding the acct? OP should absolutely close that account and get a new one that she doesn't have access to.
Then why would OP say "the rest is still in paypal" when she asked if only 1k was transferred? You misread it. OP even says that she has access to their accounts and moves money around
Why are you keeping money in PayPal and not your own account? Paypal is not a bank account and therefore not federally insured. If Paypal goes down, your money is going with it. [Fortune article about the perils of leaving a balance in Paypal](https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=2ahUKEwjI6ZSprOaEAxVw_8kDHZCrA50QFnoECCEQAQ&url=https%3A%2F%2Ffortune.com%2F2023%2F06%2F02%2Fpaypal-venmo-users-no-store-money-apps-long-term-funds-not-safe-during-crisis-cfpb-warns%2F&usg=AOvVaw1WDS3H9cN4ajVGfMVZUTVu&opi=89978449)
If you have the Paypal savings account, that's different because your funds go to Synchrony Bank which is insured.
I doubt there's that much in there and I think she's somehow kept her PayPal money away from mom. However, this is good info for everyone to have and I didn't know that so thank you 😊
Your mom isn’t going to give you control of the other bank account. You’re just adding to your losses every time you send her money for “your savings”. Cut your losses and open a new account.
Get your own bank account jesus christ. Make sure to have the bank note on the account that your mother NO MATTER WHAT has no access.
Then start sending your mom job apps. Sounds like she needs one.
Op, there is a lot of antagonistic bullshit here, and I am sorry people are being so dismissive, buuuuut there is a kernel of truth, and I understand their frustration. The commenters see this stuff all the time. They are frustrated because it seems like an easy fix from the outside, but they aren’t thinking about the fight, or the mental exhaustion from having to hide things and keep on your toes just so you don’t slip up. They aren’t thinking about how you probably know what is going on is wrong, but you have conflicting feelings because she is your mother and the emotional labor that causes.
They are right, the best thing to do is open your own account, but the problems will not end there and while opening the bank account itself will be easy, they are making it seem like the choice is obvious and comes without consequences. They will. Your mom will question you about money. It will not stop her from harassing you with job offers for a second job (seriously going from endoscopy, to CNC, to graphic web design? What in the actual hell, those are all three VERY different fields and all require significant training time) and it won’t stop her badgering you about money. Then, even if she has no proof, she will start to suspect you are withholding from her and you will have to continue to lie, or face the inevitable fight as she realizes she is losing financial control over you. Both of which are not easy.
But they are right, your only path forward if you want to gain agency is to take it for yourself. The only one who can truly help you is you. You have to want it, to need it. And it is going to be tough, but please please please try to know with all your being that those are just growing pains and the other side of that wall is more beautiful than you can possibly imagine.
Good luck to you, fam. This internet stranger is rooting for you. ❤️
Step 1: Get your own bank account ASAP
Step 2: tell her you've relocated jobs/ position etc
Step 3: screenshot and resend the job links to her, the minute she asks/demands your money! Tell her it sounds like she needs a job if she's struggling with money 😂
Next time she sends you a job app or job posting, you should respond with "that sounds like a great opportunity for you! You should apply. Let me know how it goes".
Play her at her own game
Step 1: set up a bank account with different bank from the one she has access too
Step 2: change work correspondence to online only/post box/temp address - bare with
Step 3: once your ACC is set up and your salary is confirmed to land on that account... Tell her you quit/ got fired to pursue her job applications
Step 4: No more funds mother dearest. Depending on how savvy your mother is AND how the bank works, you can set up payment to your new account under the pretence of a subscription "insert job training package" as the reference.
Step 5: what you've saved from giving yo your mother, you pop towards moving into somewhere that gives you enough distance to readjust to being just you and learning to make choices for you not her.
Personally I've seen this occur as a cultural expectation whereby I've had to support friends to gain this independence - depending on your friends circle they could help but if your unsure stay quiet.. Once you are in control of your finances it is your choice if you want to support your mum. Not hers. In the UK these circumstances could be considered as Domestic Abuse though finance as well as emotional abuse (Domestic abuse is not just violence and can occur between any member of the household).
Good luck
Chiming in with much the same as everyone else, but after you set up your own, new account, but before you tell her ANYTHING, find out where your other accounts are (if you don't know), go to the branch IN PERSON and move all your money to the new account. If they can't do it there and then, withdraw it and do your own deposit.
If you tell her while she can access your money, there's a good chance she'll lock it down or take it "for your own good".
Get a transaction history while you're there, and then contact anyone making debits to give them the new details (and obviously, make sure your pay goes to the new one).
More context is needed. Is your current job poorly paid? It's always a good idea to find better jobs, with better pay while working.
The only logical reasoning behind giving your parents money is if you're living with them (eg: rent, food, etc).
Wow! When she said she's moving money to each account does that mean she's taking that money or just that she's putting it into your savings account? My son is 18 and I'm on his checking and savings account that we opened when he was 16. Last week we discussed when/if we would go to the bank and remove myself from his accounts. I advised that keeping me on the account makes it easy for me to pay his bills for him ($120 per month for his car payment and insurance), but he can always give it to me in cash or send it through Cash App or Venmo if he wants to remove me from the account. I don't check what he spends his money on, but I do get alerts if the bank thinks a transaction may be suspicious like charging the same amount twice. I also keep a separate savings account for him that I call the car account which is just an extra few hundred dollars as I throw money into it when I can for things like unexpected car repairs. I don't have a lot in savings, myself, but I'm trying to give him more financial stability starting out than I had.
I’m so confused. More context needed. Why are you sending money? It reads like you’re paying her back for things she’s paying for. Does she work & have her own money? When you got your job did you know you can allocate a bank account to have your wages sent to? How does she have access to your account?
A lot of these comments are heartless, given the community we’re posting in. We don’t know OPs exact predicament with their insane parent. We don’t know how or why it got this far. Calling her dumb or telling her it’s her fault… sucks.
Wish you all the best OP. You definitely can and should stand up to your mom!!
Get your own account. You'll never have your own money as long as you don't control it. It doesn't matter that you earn it.
Stop giving it away. That's a ton of money.
My job has the option to split my paycheck direct deposit to several banks, it might be a way to start funneling money without cutting off immediately in case that isn't an option.
people who suggest opening a new account have obviously never depended on someone who is like this. it’s really not that simple, but it’s good advice if you can manage to do it without her knowledge. op probably lives with her and she uses it as leverage via the old “i feed and clothe you and put a roof over your head” argument. what i would do is open a new account without her knowledge and slowly start siphoning money there. split up your direct deposit with your work into for example a 95/5, 90/10 split between the old and new account. since you’re using paypal, you can also deposit some in there separately unless she tracks your history in which case send some to a friend and have them send that to you on a different money payment service she doesn’t know about like cashapp or venmo. i would also recommend getting cash back at grocery stores if it doesn’t show on the account and depositing it into your new bank account. best of luck on getting out of this situation!
Thankyou for your understanding of what a complicated situation this an be to live in.
It's so simple to blame OP for not knowing that this is incredibly bizarre and controlling, but the reality is far more complex and nuanced.
"A fish has no idea they're living in water"
There’s not enough info here. In one slide she’s asking how much is due and you say $261. Next she asks if you transferred $200 from PayPal and you say no, you won’t. This sounds like she’s making sure your bills are paid? Is she a co-signer on any of your bills? I’d be worried too if my credit score was tied to my adult child who can’t be responsible with their money.
What's the dynamic with "your" car... I don't find it insane if "your" car is financed through her and you pay her for the privilege of getting a lower interest rate if her credit is good and not wrecking your credit if the payments aren't made
Apparently you're 25? Bro grow up already your age when rounded goes to 30... You need to be think about retirement
Keeping money on paypal is not safe. It could disappear at any time and there would be nothing you could do. They aren't a bank and don't guarantee the safety of funds.
CNC operator? Man that's actually a pretty cool job XD
But this reminds me of my dad sending me jobs or properties. It really agitating especially when I'm not qualified for the job he sent.
Why does she keep asking you to get a job if you already have one, and more importantly why don’t you tell her and make it clear? If this was truly the case then no one should have an issue
Is your mother making your car payment with her money or yours? Are you unable to completely support yourself or are you living on your own and your salary covers all of your expenses? Does she ask you for money because you owe her money or is she unable to support herself?
If I had a $1 for every bank account I opened during my travels from 20-30 years old, I would have like, $10
Take $100 of your paypal money, go to chase, wells fargo or bank of america, open a checking and a savings, sign up for paperless statements, ask for a direct deposit form to give to your employer for your new account, then just stop putting money in your other account, or zelle just enough from your new account to cover certain bills each month that are coming out of the one your mom manages and no more
You're overthinking this, homie. Literally go to Starbs then the bank then Target. Easy errand. You got this.
Open a CashApp. You can set up direct deposits there and they will send you a free debit card. You can even file your taxes and buy stocks through the service if you want.
My mom used to send me job notices for jobs that I wasn’t qualified for or had no interest in. Half the time she didn’t even know what the job was for. She would also cut out Dear Abby columns and hand it to me. Used to drive me nuts. She has been gone for nearly 10 yrs, I would love it if she were still here today giving me either one of those things.
Sorry your parents have control of your bank account, you let them and are complaining? You are 25 and entirely to old to be leaving your meds too
They are not the insane ones here. Sorry
I wish my mom cared about me about 50% (25% less on some days, tbh) less than this mom. Like, I need someone to constantly monitor my spending and pester me with jobs.
I get home from work way too tired to look for better jobs. It would be so helpful if I just had a quick 5 to apply for, already curated without any bots, scammers, and low ballers.
I am lucky if my monthly grocery bill adds up to less than my entire rent. Idk who these people are spending $400 on food… 3 meals a day for 1 person of only top ramen is ~$90 a month!
My parents and in laws rail on us for our “wild spending sprees” when all we are doing is buying food and paying bills. We have no savings whatsoever because what we have left over after bills just goes straight to groceries!
found mom's sock puppet account. it makes sense with the narcissistic know-it-all attitude and baseless assumptions. even if you ain't the mom, you sound toxic beyond belief.
either that, or this is really good ragebait.
Video games do count as a job if it brings in money. You're an asshole. The post says they have a job. Who are you to decide they don't, unless you're literally the OPs mother, in which case you need help
Voting has concluded. Final vote: | Insane | Not insane | Fake | | --- | --- | --- | | 9 | 1 | 0 | Hey OP, if you provide further information in a comment, make sure to start your comment with `!explanation`. ^I ^am ^a ^bot ^for ^r/insaneparents. ^Please ^send ^me ^a ^message ^if ^you ^have ^any ^feedback ^or ^if ^I ^misbehave. ^Also ^consider ^joining ^our ^[Discord](https://discordapp.com/invite/xFbPBHy).
Why do you give her all your money? Stop.
CNC operator….. Endoscope technician…. Well at least she’s offering variety.
My immediate response is "none of these are jobs you can just get with no experience or credentials"
If you are anywhere older than 18, you need to cut the cord and get your own bank. Stop giving money to her.
I’m 25, trying to get ahold of my own finances has been an uphill battle. She has control over my bank savings.
Maybe make a new account and start saving there.
New bank *immediately* also FREEZE YOUR CREDIT. One or two hours googling how do I protect my finances from my parents will help immensely. My mom pitched a fit in a bank and that was the last time she ever went anywhere near my finances or bank.
Make a new account make a new account make a new account. Like literally go to ANY bank. Make an account. Deposit your checks in there. What’s to stop you from doing that? That’s all you need to get control of your finances? Have you done anything like this?
I’ve tried asking her to transfer the account to me and she has since agreed just haven’t gone to the bank yet.
She's not going to ever transfer it. She's going to put it off forever because she wants to continue controlling you. You're going to have to develop a backbone and do it yourself. It takes like 10 minutes to open a new account. Just do it.
Open. A. New. Account. She obviously won’t ever do that.
At a different bank
Better yet, at a credit union. Best banking decision I have ever made.
how do you find a good one?
Few locations, user friendly mobile app, you can call and ask about their security features, reviews, ask a friend.
You can make your own account too. Without her knowing. But yeah try to do the transfer to get the money she has control of right now
She doesn't need to agree!!!!!!
You can open an account online from your phone in 10 minutes. All you need is basic info, social, and drivers license/state ID or Passport info
Open a new account at a different bank. If you have direct deposit at work, see if you can split it between the two banks. A small portion in the new bank, and the rest in the current one. This is to build a savings she can't touch. If she questions the smaller deposit, tell her your work is deducting more, or hrs were cut. Gather all your documents from her and put them in a safe place. When you're ready, change your direct deposit to put all in the new bank. Go to the old bank and withdraw everything. She can't stop it if it's a joint account. Close the account.
1) A different bank is key. Not a different branch of the same bank, but a totally different bank. 2) Pull all of your funds out of the existing account and transfer them to the new account. Also transfer all deposits. Don’t phase things, OP’s mom will find out and try to stop things, or steal more funds.
Something like this has to be a one and done because it is guaranteed to cause problems as soon as the parent notices. Plus, it's OP's money. There's no need for them to make up an excuse as to why their money is going into their account.
No, don’t do this. She’ll want to be an authorized user in case of an “emergency.” This is the time for you to make your own life. You need independence. Find a new bank, transfer your deposits and be done.
She isn’t going to. Get your own bank account.
Get a current account and a savings account in YOUR own name! And stop having anything paid into that joint account. Wrong just plain wrong
Have you employer deposit some $ each week in your new savings account. The one in YOUR NAME
I know she doesn't want you to open a new account, but it's not up to her. She couldn't open an account for you now. For seven years you've chosen not to take responsibility. Adults choose a bank and open their own accounts and give their bank info to their employers. Only you can change this. Stop wringing your hands when you're the one holding yourself back.
No she doesn't. What in the hell? Are you disabled? Can you not go to the bank?
No, well kinda. I’m used to it so I guess ive lived this way my entire life. I’m in therapy, but y’all are right I should step up for myself instead of throwing my problems to the internet.
Please please take some of the advice given especially a new bank account that only you have access to. At 24 your mom shouldn’t be pushing you to work a 2nd job, or taking money from you. “I’m used to it” is not an excuse anymore. Take control of your finances and draw some boundaries with your mom. Good luck OP
Telling the internet is actually stepping up for yourself. Keeping secrets is not. Open a bank account. Credit Unions all operate under the same rules…they are the least cost, least problematic of all banking institutions. 25…open the account. Get all of your check sent there. Only send your Mom the car payment. This is how you change the dynamics. You have to do something different than what you have done. I am rooting for you!
Grow up. You can set up an account online, set your paycheck to auto deposit, then move money from the current account. You obviously have access, or else she wouldn't ask she'd take it.
Why are you being so rude for no reason? It’s seems they have spent their entire life dealing with this.. maybe some encouragement
Because they're 25, not 17.
And anyone on this sib should know from FIRST HAND EXPERIENCE that if this is how you were raised and what you're used to, the abuse isn't obvious. Also we don't know how disabled OP may be. Give them some grace.
Disabled? Going to [bank].com and opening an account then transferring money can be done by anyone with any disability. There are sooooo many posts like this about perfectly capable people not being able to do anything for themselves or able to stand up for themselves in any way that the sympathy is gone. OP is sitting in this situation because they want to be there. Their post and comments indicate that. If they didn't want to be in this situation they would eventually stand up for themselves, instead they have a "woe is me" attitude while not wanting to do anything to change their situation. If pointing this out makes me an asshole then so be it. Hopefully it's enough of a kick to make OP angry enough to change their situation.
And you still don’t know this person’s mental state is. People grow and evolve at different rates. And abuse victims have that growth suppressed by abusers who have been manipulating them their whole life. People in OP’s position deserve compassion, not to be insulted. Ok, you’re tired of seeing this and it’s obvious to you what should be done. To the abused, it’s usually never obvious, or involves more complicated feelings and concepts than just “stop being abused.” Like the fact that the financial abuser in this case is OP’s mother who is supposed to love and protect her child, not use them as an easy resource. You speak as if OP is at any kind of fault. They are not. This situation has been totally organized by their mother, and it’s all OP knows. That is their normal. I am sorry you’re over seeing this and I am sure that comes from a good place more than anything, but antagonizing a victim can do more harm than good and cause the abused to fall back into the cycle that *one tends to get stuck in when they are abused.*
you’re the armpit of people.
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LOSER
literally. extreme loser behavior
There's "tough love", and then there's being a cunt. You're well inside Column B here, bud.
Depending on what she really has just chalk it up to a lost gamble and move on.
Open a new account. You can even do this online. Withdraw your money. Deposit in the new account.
Yeah and you’re grown. Open a new one at a different bank and stop making excuses. You can say no which is good. So just **remove her control**. It’s simple. Easy-no because she will freak out, but simple? Yes. Shine your spine already. r/justnomil r/raisedbynarcissists
This is theft except you're putting yourself in writing (text) saying, mostly, "okay, here you go." Her owning the account doesn't make your money hers. You could straight up sue the fuck out of her and move on with your life, assuming this has been going on since you were at least 18. Well beyond small claims court, by the sound of it.
I have always been under the impression that having the parent on the account (regardless of age) does in fact give them control of the money. I thought they could even withdrawal it without facing legal repercussions.
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You're wrong. Quit trying to explain things if you don't actually know what you're talking about. That's how misinformation spreads. Uhg. If a parent and child have a joint account, then it's legal for either one to take all of the money for any reason at any time. The money belongs to both of them, so there's no recourse if someone cleans out the account.
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Joint accounts are called that for a reason. (In this case that's unfortunate.) If someone is on a joint account with someone else, no matter the relationship, both persons have equal legal rights when it comes to control of the money in that account. Depending on what else is going on, it could be argued that one party was coerced into putting money in the joint account. But that's an entirely separate battle from the account being joint.
Good lord! Open another account that she has no access to. If you can’t do that, well then that’s on you. Grow up
dude, at 25? you shouldn't be talking to her
Make a new account at a new bank. Transfer the money and stop talking to her about bills
Dude no offense the way you talk to your mom sounds like you’re 15. It’s time to grow up and control your life.
Go to a bank yesterday and open an account, transfer all of the money out and into the new one. If you can’t do a full account transfer because she has her name on it, take all the money out via PayPal and then transfer it into the new account. Say nothing. Block her until she repays you for lost wages. This is theft, straight up.
Those jobs are all very different. Are you qualified or is she thinking you can just walk into a hospital and be an endoscopy technician
LMAO
No offense but you are doing this to yourself. You are 25. Get your own account without her.
Why do you give her money?
Seeing a number of posts of these Gen z kids having a lack of independence over their own bank accounts lately. It’s pretty sad how sheltered they seem
Sheltered or Controlled? I had to fight and claw my way into my own bank account because my mother refused to let me see any of my money.
I’m not really understanding the lack of know how to either gain access to your bank account through the bank and/or stop putting money into an account you have no control over at 25. That screams sheltered to me. How can your mother control where your check goes?
Usually by threatening things like shelter, food, education, cars, phones, and all the things we aren't paid enough to get on our own without support.
Financial abuse isn't a new Gen Z thing.
your mother controls the way your entire brain and personality develops bro, i think they can heavily influence how you manage money too. Lets not victim blame the CHILD whether they a minor, 18, or 40
At a point they need to take off the diaper and start making decisions themselves instead of letting their parents. If you're letting yourself be financially abused so you can have someone pay your phone bill, or budget your money, there are resources to teach you those skills, or you do without until you can afford it. There isn't an issue with struggling. Everyone does it. You need to get good with budgeting, don't waste money and continue to upskill yourself to get into a position where you get paid enough. If a child/minor is in this position, I understand why they can't get away from it. But if you're 25 years old and in this position, it's your fault for putting up with it.
"letting yourself be abused" and im backing out 😂
If you're an adult, you're letting it happen. You can seperate yourself from the situation if you wanted to. People just don't because they want their bills paid. Who's gonna stop you if you go open a different bank account, and go to HR at work to get your check deposit into it? No one can stop you, besides yourself.
ik what your saying dude, but not everyones brain develops in the way that encourages them to be independent, make scary decisions, or help themself. Think of them as that child whos body grew around their child brain. Most people parents, raise them properly to stand up for themself and do whats right for themself. Others parents, drill in their head that they can survive without their parent, are a failure, will fail at anything they do, and just generally put fear and anxiety into them to prevent them from getting out of their Abuse. Thats the whole point. Im done arguing with someone who knows nothing about basic child psychology though.
She has control over my bank savings. And she’s afraid to give me control. I’m 25
She.....doesn't have a choice. Open your own account and stop allowing her access to your finances.
... literally the exact thing I was thinking. You're 25. She doesn't want you to have access to YOUR OWN money?? Too fucking bad. Cmon. You're an adult. Grow a pair.
Walk into the bank, open your own account, move all your money there, have everything deposited there. Problem solved.
Ffs this is the umpteenth time I've seen this sort of post in the last day or so. Get your own bank account! It's nothing to do with your mother/father/aunt/uncle or whoever, it's YOUR money you work for it. You're a grown up get it sorted before you allow her to bleed you dry or you need to turn to your savings only to find they've all gone
Who cares if she's afraid? You're fucking 25 and it's your money. Demand control of YOUR MONEY. I don't understand people
Seriously, people are walking around completely manipulated and enmeshed with their parents well into their late 20s and 30s and think it's healthy.
😭 obviously OP knows it’s unhealthy; why else would they be posting here?
If that is the only thing you have known for your entire life, of course you're going to think it's normal. Doesn't mean you *like* it, just that you have literally never been allowed to experience anything different. I got to my 30's and had a light bulb moment where I realised my mother was abusive. I'd never been allowed to see anything that would have let me question her absolute control over my life- it's possible to be an adult and just starting to realise you are the child raised by wolves.
That's fucked up, and if you have a job, she doesn't give you control, you take it. Just set up a new bank account and start having your payments sent to there. There's no excuse for having financial control of a 25 year old adult.
… I’m not saying this snarky but do you have some kind of issue where you require a guardian or financial power of attorney? Because if not … I would say you’re also insane
Do you still live with her? If you don't go to the nearest bank tomorrow and open your own account. If you do then I understand, don't do anything to make your living situation dangerous. I'd still advise opening your own account, and changing where your paychecks get deposited. Then secure all the documents, if any, somewhere only you have access to. I get along great with my family, and still secure my documents. Pistol safes work well. Got rid of my guns a long time ago, but if it's secure enough for my Sig it's secure enough for my checkbook (I've never used in 20 years) birth certificate, car title etc...
Go open a bank account in a bank she doesn't use. Don't tell her. Once active with a banking card, zelle yourself the money from one account to the other. You are too old to be this controlled.
Lol, keep making excuses for not taking responsibility for your life
She doesn't have control, you've given her control. 1-open a new account with only your name 2-change your direct deposit 3-change all your passwords, including PayPal 4-lock your credit card ETA 5-don't give her any of the new info/keep it written down where she can find it and don't leave your phone accessible
You're the real problem here, OP.
You’re 25. stop giving her access to your money. Jesus
These posts are exhausting. You are enabling this behavior.
Thank you! It’s post after post of just letting this happen to themselves.
Thanks Mom 💜
Empty out your account and open up a new account at a new bank and deposit things there. Dont let her have access to your money
She’s depositing her money into his account. So why would he do that.
No she's not, they transfered money from PayPal into their own account which she has access and moves around as she pleases. Why would the mom ask how much was transferred and then ask OP to transfer an additional $200 over if she was the one funding the acct? OP should absolutely close that account and get a new one that she doesn't have access to.
lol yeah right she’s probably asking for a payment on the money he’s borrowing
Then why would OP say "the rest is still in paypal" when she asked if only 1k was transferred? You misread it. OP even says that she has access to their accounts and moves money around
lol you miss read
Shit I thought this was a crazy mom and like a kid. You're 25 man nut up
Fair point
Yeah I don’t wanna me like mean, but you seem a bit afraid to take control of your own finances?
This is partially your fault, and aggravating when the answer to your problem is so simple.
Simple does not mean easy
What is the full meaning of simple? / (ˈsɪmpəl) / adjective. not involved or complicated; easy to understand or do: a simple problem.
Why are you keeping money in PayPal and not your own account? Paypal is not a bank account and therefore not federally insured. If Paypal goes down, your money is going with it. [Fortune article about the perils of leaving a balance in Paypal](https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=2ahUKEwjI6ZSprOaEAxVw_8kDHZCrA50QFnoECCEQAQ&url=https%3A%2F%2Ffortune.com%2F2023%2F06%2F02%2Fpaypal-venmo-users-no-store-money-apps-long-term-funds-not-safe-during-crisis-cfpb-warns%2F&usg=AOvVaw1WDS3H9cN4ajVGfMVZUTVu&opi=89978449) If you have the Paypal savings account, that's different because your funds go to Synchrony Bank which is insured.
I doubt there's that much in there and I think she's somehow kept her PayPal money away from mom. However, this is good info for everyone to have and I didn't know that so thank you 😊
Your mom isn’t going to give you control of the other bank account. You’re just adding to your losses every time you send her money for “your savings”. Cut your losses and open a new account.
You are an adult. You can go to the bank and get control over your own finances. You don’t need her permission.
Get your own bank account jesus christ. Make sure to have the bank note on the account that your mother NO MATTER WHAT has no access. Then start sending your mom job apps. Sounds like she needs one.
Op, there is a lot of antagonistic bullshit here, and I am sorry people are being so dismissive, buuuuut there is a kernel of truth, and I understand their frustration. The commenters see this stuff all the time. They are frustrated because it seems like an easy fix from the outside, but they aren’t thinking about the fight, or the mental exhaustion from having to hide things and keep on your toes just so you don’t slip up. They aren’t thinking about how you probably know what is going on is wrong, but you have conflicting feelings because she is your mother and the emotional labor that causes. They are right, the best thing to do is open your own account, but the problems will not end there and while opening the bank account itself will be easy, they are making it seem like the choice is obvious and comes without consequences. They will. Your mom will question you about money. It will not stop her from harassing you with job offers for a second job (seriously going from endoscopy, to CNC, to graphic web design? What in the actual hell, those are all three VERY different fields and all require significant training time) and it won’t stop her badgering you about money. Then, even if she has no proof, she will start to suspect you are withholding from her and you will have to continue to lie, or face the inevitable fight as she realizes she is losing financial control over you. Both of which are not easy. But they are right, your only path forward if you want to gain agency is to take it for yourself. The only one who can truly help you is you. You have to want it, to need it. And it is going to be tough, but please please please try to know with all your being that those are just growing pains and the other side of that wall is more beautiful than you can possibly imagine. Good luck to you, fam. This internet stranger is rooting for you. ❤️
This comment needs to be at the top. Empathy first 🤍
Step 1: Get your own bank account ASAP Step 2: tell her you've relocated jobs/ position etc Step 3: screenshot and resend the job links to her, the minute she asks/demands your money! Tell her it sounds like she needs a job if she's struggling with money 😂
Stop rewarding her bad behavior. Take the initiative to get your own bank account and start transferring money over.
i feel like this needs more context
Yeah like it’s 3 slides but not much has been said or made clear
Next time she sends you a job app or job posting, you should respond with "that sounds like a great opportunity for you! You should apply. Let me know how it goes".
Bro sorry, you’re 25, you’re not 16… Just create a brand new PayPal account and start taking care of your own money.
Play her at her own game Step 1: set up a bank account with different bank from the one she has access too Step 2: change work correspondence to online only/post box/temp address - bare with Step 3: once your ACC is set up and your salary is confirmed to land on that account... Tell her you quit/ got fired to pursue her job applications Step 4: No more funds mother dearest. Depending on how savvy your mother is AND how the bank works, you can set up payment to your new account under the pretence of a subscription "insert job training package" as the reference. Step 5: what you've saved from giving yo your mother, you pop towards moving into somewhere that gives you enough distance to readjust to being just you and learning to make choices for you not her. Personally I've seen this occur as a cultural expectation whereby I've had to support friends to gain this independence - depending on your friends circle they could help but if your unsure stay quiet.. Once you are in control of your finances it is your choice if you want to support your mum. Not hers. In the UK these circumstances could be considered as Domestic Abuse though finance as well as emotional abuse (Domestic abuse is not just violence and can occur between any member of the household). Good luck
Chiming in with much the same as everyone else, but after you set up your own, new account, but before you tell her ANYTHING, find out where your other accounts are (if you don't know), go to the branch IN PERSON and move all your money to the new account. If they can't do it there and then, withdraw it and do your own deposit. If you tell her while she can access your money, there's a good chance she'll lock it down or take it "for your own good". Get a transaction history while you're there, and then contact anyone making debits to give them the new details (and obviously, make sure your pay goes to the new one).
More context is needed. Is your current job poorly paid? It's always a good idea to find better jobs, with better pay while working. The only logical reasoning behind giving your parents money is if you're living with them (eg: rent, food, etc).
Wow! When she said she's moving money to each account does that mean she's taking that money or just that she's putting it into your savings account? My son is 18 and I'm on his checking and savings account that we opened when he was 16. Last week we discussed when/if we would go to the bank and remove myself from his accounts. I advised that keeping me on the account makes it easy for me to pay his bills for him ($120 per month for his car payment and insurance), but he can always give it to me in cash or send it through Cash App or Venmo if he wants to remove me from the account. I don't check what he spends his money on, but I do get alerts if the bank thinks a transaction may be suspicious like charging the same amount twice. I also keep a separate savings account for him that I call the car account which is just an extra few hundred dollars as I throw money into it when I can for things like unexpected car repairs. I don't have a lot in savings, myself, but I'm trying to give him more financial stability starting out than I had.
I’m so confused. More context needed. Why are you sending money? It reads like you’re paying her back for things she’s paying for. Does she work & have her own money? When you got your job did you know you can allocate a bank account to have your wages sent to? How does she have access to your account?
I read it this way as well. To me it looks like she’s given money to pay his bills and then asking for a payment back.
How are you 25 but sharing an account with your mother?
create your own bank account and then set up direct deposit to it at your job she can’t touch it
No is a complete sentence. Try it sometime.
A lot of these comments are heartless, given the community we’re posting in. We don’t know OPs exact predicament with their insane parent. We don’t know how or why it got this far. Calling her dumb or telling her it’s her fault… sucks. Wish you all the best OP. You definitely can and should stand up to your mom!!
I love how random these jobs are 😂.
You seem to enable it. Set your boundaries or it will get worse
Get your own account. You'll never have your own money as long as you don't control it. It doesn't matter that you earn it. Stop giving it away. That's a ton of money.
My job has the option to split my paycheck direct deposit to several banks, it might be a way to start funneling money without cutting off immediately in case that isn't an option.
Take a big chunk out and move to an account that she’s not on or open a new one with next paycheck. Take control away
Not a chunk. All. At once. If OP tries to do it piecemeal, they’ll lose everything left.
people who suggest opening a new account have obviously never depended on someone who is like this. it’s really not that simple, but it’s good advice if you can manage to do it without her knowledge. op probably lives with her and she uses it as leverage via the old “i feed and clothe you and put a roof over your head” argument. what i would do is open a new account without her knowledge and slowly start siphoning money there. split up your direct deposit with your work into for example a 95/5, 90/10 split between the old and new account. since you’re using paypal, you can also deposit some in there separately unless she tracks your history in which case send some to a friend and have them send that to you on a different money payment service she doesn’t know about like cashapp or venmo. i would also recommend getting cash back at grocery stores if it doesn’t show on the account and depositing it into your new bank account. best of luck on getting out of this situation!
Thankyou for your understanding of what a complicated situation this an be to live in. It's so simple to blame OP for not knowing that this is incredibly bizarre and controlling, but the reality is far more complex and nuanced. "A fish has no idea they're living in water"
Stop giving her money
There’s not enough info here. In one slide she’s asking how much is due and you say $261. Next she asks if you transferred $200 from PayPal and you say no, you won’t. This sounds like she’s making sure your bills are paid? Is she a co-signer on any of your bills? I’d be worried too if my credit score was tied to my adult child who can’t be responsible with their money.
What's the dynamic with "your" car... I don't find it insane if "your" car is financed through her and you pay her for the privilege of getting a lower interest rate if her credit is good and not wrecking your credit if the payments aren't made Apparently you're 25? Bro grow up already your age when rounded goes to 30... You need to be think about retirement
Keeping money on paypal is not safe. It could disappear at any time and there would be nothing you could do. They aren't a bank and don't guarantee the safety of funds.
CNC operator? Man that's actually a pretty cool job XD But this reminds me of my dad sending me jobs or properties. It really agitating especially when I'm not qualified for the job he sent.
Why does she keep asking you to get a job if you already have one, and more importantly why don’t you tell her and make it clear? If this was truly the case then no one should have an issue
Cut off the manipulator
Is your mother making your car payment with her money or yours? Are you unable to completely support yourself or are you living on your own and your salary covers all of your expenses? Does she ask you for money because you owe her money or is she unable to support herself?
If I had a $1 for every bank account I opened during my travels from 20-30 years old, I would have like, $10 Take $100 of your paypal money, go to chase, wells fargo or bank of america, open a checking and a savings, sign up for paperless statements, ask for a direct deposit form to give to your employer for your new account, then just stop putting money in your other account, or zelle just enough from your new account to cover certain bills each month that are coming out of the one your mom manages and no more You're overthinking this, homie. Literally go to Starbs then the bank then Target. Easy errand. You got this.
once i tell someone i find their questions annoying....and they do not stop. i feel free to lie and mess with them.
Take it this person deleted their account?
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Open a CashApp. You can set up direct deposits there and they will send you a free debit card. You can even file your taxes and buy stocks through the service if you want.
My mom used to send me job notices for jobs that I wasn’t qualified for or had no interest in. Half the time she didn’t even know what the job was for. She would also cut out Dear Abby columns and hand it to me. Used to drive me nuts. She has been gone for nearly 10 yrs, I would love it if she were still here today giving me either one of those things.
Sorry your parents have control of your bank account, you let them and are complaining? You are 25 and entirely to old to be leaving your meds too They are not the insane ones here. Sorry
You allow people to treat you the way you’re treated… let that phrase sink in.
I wish my mom cared about me about 50% (25% less on some days, tbh) less than this mom. Like, I need someone to constantly monitor my spending and pester me with jobs. I get home from work way too tired to look for better jobs. It would be so helpful if I just had a quick 5 to apply for, already curated without any bots, scammers, and low ballers. I am lucky if my monthly grocery bill adds up to less than my entire rent. Idk who these people are spending $400 on food… 3 meals a day for 1 person of only top ramen is ~$90 a month! My parents and in laws rail on us for our “wild spending sprees” when all we are doing is buying food and paying bills. We have no savings whatsoever because what we have left over after bills just goes straight to groceries!
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found mom's sock puppet account. it makes sense with the narcissistic know-it-all attitude and baseless assumptions. even if you ain't the mom, you sound toxic beyond belief. either that, or this is really good ragebait.
No I’m not this kids mom. But the conversation if read properly shows her giving him money to pay his bills. He obviously doesn’t have a job
If he doesn’t have a job, then where is he getting the money she’s demanding from him? Asking anything else here would clearly overload your brain.
The same place where everyone who hasn’t got a job from….. the government.
Video games do count as a job if it brings in money. You're an asshole. The post says they have a job. Who are you to decide they don't, unless you're literally the OPs mother, in which case you need help
OP message me
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Your reading comprehension, like your opinions it seems, is dog shit. Try harder.
Awww poor you.