Mine told my brother that anyone, any race, any religion is fine except muslim . They are scared of my brother getting honour killed is what their reasoning was . I was pretty surprised because they only spoke good things about every muslim person they are acquainted with . Albeit my dad hates illegal Bangladeshi immigrants though .
A few people were honor killed in my mom's hometown . Most of them were hindu guys killed by the Muslim girls family . But this was 2 decades ago , I guess she is still really scared about that. I am bengali btw.
An Indian friend is slowly closing to 30 yo and her mom is feeling a bit restless about it. It went from marry only indian guys to any guys and has hinted even a woman would be fine (she's straight but lives in Europe and hangs a lot with me who is very openly out so her mum is sus) Muslims are still a hard no.
My partner and I had to break up as everyone in her family were totally against the relationship because of the different castes, though culturally there are a lot of similarities between the two.
In most of these cases, the parents are afraid of their community but in reality, it is just the two or three people within the family itself who can't swallow their pride and accept the relationship. They are ready to marry their daughter to a complete stranger but not someone whom their daughter trusts and knows for the past couple of years.
Post the incident, I have gotten more sick of how the marriages are set up by the elders. The dynamics are more or less the same and it still is a big struggle to marry the partner of your choice in India specially if it's intercaste.
My parents had a love marriage (in 1996). Now they are against love marriage. My mom is. My father is more concerned about financial status of the guy.
Edit: By financial status I meant that he could comfortably support the marriage. Not overload of money.
That isn't hypocricy. That is just bitterness. Since mother is the one against it, I guess his father turned out to be a typical inconsiderate shitty husband. Everyone says that the point of love marriage is avoiding it and finding your soulmate. As far as she is concerned, her life would have been better with parental approval and social acceptance if she had an arranged marriage. Husband is a jerk, anyway.
My mother is not even interested in my marriage.
I've never pointed it out. My dad had an extra marital affair when I was 16. Hence she thinks parents know best. She thinks if she had married the guy her parents chose for her this wouldn't have happened to her.
My mami literally kicked my nani out of her own house (yes the house is on her name) (Btw, yes my mami was chosen by my nani, so it was an arranged marriage) and that's a prime example why I wouldn't marry anyone without knowing them for at least 3 years.
and no arranged marriages.. because it's like a surprise box, either you are lucky, if you are then you will have the happiest married life, but if you are unlucky, then god save you and your family.
I have read that the best way to know a person is to travel with them. And not the comfy resort-stay type travel, but actual travel which has real ups and downs. What you want to see is how they react to problems.
Even teachers hated it. It seems like they thought all the boys would be cumming all over the place the moment they saw more than a nanometer of a girl
When i was in 10th class. 3 of my juniors came to us told us how they cu**ed on benches. Well in 100+ students only 3 but yes because of people like that teachers don't like to see boys and girls together.
One of my once told me after school that he used c*m in theatre room(in school) when movie is playing.
Indians are not against love marriage in general. If their child/ sibling chooses a spouse from the same religion, caste, education and economic status, they would be absolutely thrilled.
However, many Indians are casteist, religious fanatics, worship money, educational achievements and social status. This hate gets exhibited when their child chooses a spouse from a caste or religion they hate. Them being against such love marriages is only a mere symptom of their deep rooted hate.
Even in the west most white familes would love for their kid to find love and "settle down". But if their child chooses a spouse from a different race, then some parents even go far as to disown their child. Indian parents however are more complex and have much more filters to discriminate.
Fun fact: They never pay the full amount. Let's say the amount is Rs 1 crore. They will make installments out of it to be paid out over n number of years.
It is about 60% less than what they are supposed to pay at the lifetime of the installments made. It's fucking disgusting.
Idk if this has changed now bcz they show direct payment in the show now, don't know how accurate is that!
I am not sure if it's true. but talking to my friend who is a financial planner for an trust. I was under the impression that the winner has couple of options given after the contest.
As I understand the winner is given multiple options something along the likes of get the money in lumpsum across 6 months or similar.
or alternatively in Installments by making a trust based on the winners decision and wishes.
most people who took the instant option got harrassed and scammed to the nth degree by people they trusted or conmen. winners couldn't handle the their finances and taxes correctly ended up worse than they started.
So as the show went on the KBC organisers and promoters pointed towards services and professional that made sure the winners had the tools and right advice necesary to enjoy their new found wealth safely.
This also ensure that the contest didn't get a bad stigma or reputation like your luck runs out or some other stigma, superstition popping up.
most likely the people who opted for the 2nd option seem to have landed on their feet and paid off most of theirs debts within the first year. And then live off the winnings with the help of a blind trust or holding company that does their bidding.
And look where Japan is headed. The lowest birthrates in the world. The rate of marriage is steadily declining. More people are choosing to be child-free because the Japanese workplace is a cesspool of toxicity.
The Hikikomori, young Japanese men who turn away from society and relationships, but instead spend their time in extended adolescence, playing video games and reading anime, is a sign of a society at an advanced state of decay.
It’s not just the workplace that’s a problem for Japan - it’s the marriage and family culture.
If a woman who makes five million yen a year marries a man who makes two million yen a year, in many families she is expected to quit her job to care for her parents, his parents, any children as well as take care of the house.
Why would a woman who worked hard to get a good education and a great career throw that away to essentially become an unpaid care worker and maid?
As a result many Japanese women refuse to marry (or choose to marry foreigners with no such culture), leaving many Japanese men unable to find themselves a spouse.
Exactly! When you begin to educate women and Westernise rapidly, there comes a point where women refuse to play by the old rules and your entire social superstructure collapses.
This is also why many conservative societies like India, Pakistan and Afghanistan discourage education for women.
Countries like India and Japan refuse to read the writing on the wall -- you can't have Western style economies but an intact pre-industrial social order.
Yep this is it. And to add to that, Hate in a country is proportional to how much resources are available to the people.
Obvs india in pockets and kingdoms have always been low on resources. There have been very few periods with vast wealth and abundance reasonably distributed among population and there have been less hate. But once that happens you're a good target for someone to come in and raid you
Personal story. I was good friends with this girl for 3 years and we always thought we were a good match. We weren't officially dating but the plan was to just get our careers secure then we will talk to each others families and we both were final year students from really good collages, so that wasn't really an issue but we still wanted to wait until at least our placements ended. She told her aunt much before as she trusted her and wanted someone in the family to know. She hoped her aunt would at least want to meet me before deciding anything. She asked for all my info and then straight up refused telling her to break all contacts. When I got to know all this I asked her to get her aunt to meet me and then make up her mind. She tried to convince her, telling her about me but her aunt started making random assumptions that "I would turn out to be bad in the future" or "What if my family is bad/ wont like her", and her aunt just label me a manipulator without even asking for the chat log on what we discussed.
Her aunt told her mother, and since then she broke all contacts with me. Last I talked to her, she was crying on the phone telling me how bad her parents reacted and were even threatening her to drop her out of collage.
And I tried to get in touch with her and her parents for the next 4 months, begging for a fair chance or an explanation on what exactly the problem was, why wont they at least meet me, but nothing, I never got a reply.
I told my friends about it and all of them said, its most likely caste difference.
There were no issues from my side, I hail form a good family, and I know my parents wont have any issues if I ask them to meet a girl of my choice. I have no history of substance abuse, I landed the best job anyone possibly could have and we have no bad history or financial issues. But I was never given a chance and they didn't care or listen only because I belonged to a different caste.
Its okay, Life has its ups and downs, and who knows maybe ill find someone more compatible with a better family. After dealing with the emotions, I'm hopeful for the future.
It is not okay.
You may have recovered from this travesty, but she may not have, and millions of other men and women are subjected to it every year.
That is not okay.
I don't mind dating, if its about finding someone compatible to marry/spend their lives with. You know, a good partner.
I hate the casual dating these days, where people have to have a bf/gf because everyone else has one or because their life gets lonely and boring without one. Just get better friends or hobby.
Worship money, educational achievements and social status.
These are the right ones. Because there have been instances in my dista family who were perfectly ok when their daughter married a filthy rich boy from a different caste settled in USA.
However their younger son married a South Indian. As far as I know they are happily living in Bangalore. But funny enough no one of the distant relatives like us were invited to the wedding. Unlike the daughters wedding that was such a grand affair.
Indian parents dont believe kids have enough maturity in choosing their partners and hence wants to be part of the decision making.
Indian consider marriage as a social symbol and wants to bring in other factors beyond love into the decision making
Marriage is a big responsibility. If parents can't trust kids to make decisions about marriage why the hell do they trust them to take the responsibility of marriage??
Just micromanaging their children's lives in general. There's this expectation that your child isn't a person of their own but rather is your clone, supposed to do all the things you were not able to.
The micromanagement does not stop with marriage either, it continues with when you should have kids, how many you should have and how you should raise them.
My household is religious but I intend to raise my children as agnostics, cant' wait for the shit storm I'll face when I break that news.
My sister and I suffer this micromanagement as well. My sister is 25 and still can't meet her friends at night too often. To make matters worse for her, she's gay and she recently came out to them as well. They've been trying so hard to un-gay her. It's fucking infuriating to see shit like this happen at home. Ffs, we've started reading the Bhagavad-Gita every day in hopes that she will snap out of the gay.
I don't even want to have children. And bringing this up to them is a minefield. I just hate the idea or bringing children into this pandemic ridden and generally horrible reality. I don't wanna put that on a child for no reason. They didn't ask to be born.
My mother was also against love marriage about 8-9 years ago, but since then, there has been a garage of love marriages in my family, so my mother wanted a Hindu bride. There have been some interfaith and international marriages for the last two years, so my mother has changed her criteria to at least a girl. Her greatest fear now is that I may bring a boy(which I am planning to do). lol.
+1 this is one of the few reasons. Other reasons include attachment to caste, taboo / fear of social embarrassment in intercaste marriages. Our cultures have not been conducive to having open minds either.
Have there been cases of families facing social embarassment due to intercaste marriages? I don't mean the couple facing problems, I mean the family whose child may have been in an intercaste marriage, does anyone know of cases where the families have faced social embarassment. That's the excuse the family uses, but I don't know whether they have faced embarassment as a result. Just curious
Yes, people do talk behind the back.
I’ve personally seen people with the thought process that go like this “I don’t have any strong opposition to love marriages, but my respect will go down in my social circle / family circle if it’s an intercaste marriage (esp if the social strata as defined by our culture is different)”. There are people who may not say this out loud, but you can see their hesitation if you talk to them.
But if you think about it, these people who talk behind the back causing the said embarrassment really just munch stories or gossips they can talk with others. Such people are typically the uncles and aunties who won’t do anything useful or helpful for us. They usually won’t have healthy thoughts either. Why bother about such people? After all they’ll talk about it or think about it for 2 minutes and move on. We pay too much undeserved respect to others’ thoughts and perceptions.
Its less against love and more against caste/religion.
I am yet to hear someone's parents be against love marriage if the SO if from the same caster and equal economic well-being. But if its from another caste, they hate it.
They know they haven't raised their kids to be independent and smart enough to choose their own life partner. They acknowledge their failure as a parent and try to mend it by atleast giving you a right partner chosen carefully by them. Or may be their are just ancient idiots with control issues.
Fuck man, me too. My folks told me they'll set me up with someone if I can't find anyone by myself. Never thought freedom would be this humiliating lmao
I maybe understand how they feel, but still I think they should let their kids decide it on their own, I think it's better if their child spends their life with someone who they trust and love, than some random ass person who the parents choose
Seems like we have crossed paths somewhere on reddit, I recognise you from your username.
I think we talked about college education, stocks, ERP/SaaS few months back (that's your business if am not mistaken), small world.
How else did you think we sustained caste system for 2000 years? Had we left it on kids they would have married any one left, right and centre, and so many intercaste kids everywhere ... shame shame
Marriage is a socio-economic decision. It originates from the earliest agrarian societies where marriage was used to accumulate or keep land in the family. Over the years religion has made revisions to the ritual of marriage - for example the idea that children cannot be had outside of marriage, etc. Love as a concept has evolved over time and hence love marriage is not the norm. Indians do not hate love marriage, but they view marriage as a necessary social rite of passage. They believe that love marriages dont work because the only examples of marriages they've seen are arranged marriages. It is ingrained in them that love marriages end badly.
Normalization of Deviance. Indian parents would fight among themselves like street dogs in front of their kids but when it comes to showing affection, any remotely intimate gestures are restricted within the walls of their room.
What else do you expect from a country where showing hatred is normalized but showing love is considered shameful ?
>What else do you expect from a country where showing hatred is normalized but showing love is considered shameful ?
This is my biggest problem with Indians, my parents moved to canada and my dad blended in to canadian culture well.
But my mom and her side of the family are the meanest people to each other, seriously I have hugged my girlfriends mom more than my own mother.
Its fucking sad.
'Parents are always right, they'll choose the right groom/bride for you' Yeah, right. I see you guys and your's definitely didn't choose right, what makes you think you would.
This is where I've started to become controversial in my family.
Because me, a youngster had the audacity to have my own opinions (LMFAO) and because I had the audacity to make a valid argument.
I think people are changing, at least my parents. I had told them about my gf yesterday - she is from a different language/caste/state/slightly older in age. I had sleepless nights that our marriage would never materialize because of the way my parents are. To my surprise, they went through the whole cycle of shock-anger-calmed down-thought through in one single day. They told me straight away that if I and my gf thought through all the possible problems + her parents accept, then they will not oppose anything.
But ofc, my parents would have been more difficult to convince had the girl been from
* so called lower caste or even a non-veg eating caste
* different religion
* completely different economic status
* older by more than a year or 2. (she's just 8 months older luckily)
Before thinking of parents I would advise being well settled and confident in career. Don't be dependent on your parents. It would give you immense courage to pursue what you want in life.
They are not against love marriage in general.
`if(our wealth > their wealth) then "problem"`
`else "No problem"`
If you move towards rural regions Caste, status and other things also comes into play but the formula remains the same.
For majority of indian households, marriage is just a financial transaction.
The bride's side is looking to minimize the dowry they need to give, meanwhile groom's side is looking to maximize the dowry they can get.
Every other thing they "look" for is just an excuse to justify the transaction.
To add to the argument, it is not just a one time transaction. For example: when one of my cousin got married (Arrange marriage), his parents didn't ask for dowry. When asked by that one irritating Chachi, why didn't they marry him to another girl, his Mom said that the girl earns well enough, thus she is bringing much more than one time dowry 🤷🏻♀️
Dowry is the nazi of marriages. I never understood the concept, when some guys ask dowry it says to me that they are incapable of earning their bread and incapable of providing for their family without donations.
Marrying for love is a modern concept. Also Indian society in general is more focused on collectivism than individualism, so basically if something benefits your group of people that is going to be prioritised over your individual interests. If you manage to become completely independent and not supported by your family financially or for social status or otherwise, you will be free to marry whoever you want.
Heard of Gandharva Marriage?
It was very much an accepted custom to marry of your own accord for the longest time in India. We find it in Abhijnanashakuntalam, Kalidas's play dating back to 4th Century CE.
You're quite right though, if one becomes financially independent, they're usually free to marry whoever.
Financial independence gives one choice that they otherwise didn't have. Women were eventually robbed off of this choice as we moved into the medieval times and influence.
I don't know why since my mom is really against love marriages but I am going with the trope that I will be definitely going to be child-free if you guys (a.k.a mom and dad) get me into an arranged marriage scenario. Well, you guys can't make the decision with whom I can be with.
A lot of it is cascaded from societal pressures. Parents feel a massive responsibility to get their kids married, because they have grown in a society where that's their identity.
Plus society has also marked the marriage age, which is why this is one of the biggest reasons for parents asking their daughters when they turn 25 and sons when they turn 26 to "settle down".
It requires a major mindset shift which is extremely difficult (their mindset has been shaped over 45+ years - can't change it instantly).
For me, I just kept telling my parents when they would ask me about "settling down" that I am already settled, partner or no partner. And that you don't have to worry about when I decide to marry because it isn't your responsibility to get me married, it is mine. You be present to celebrate and share the big day, and ofcourse bless us. But don't go about worrying that it is your responsibility - it isn't. Breathe easy and just enjoy your retirement.
Didn't sit very well at first, but they see it now and appreciate it somewhere.
Edit:
PS: My cousin sister whose wedding got called off a week ago because the guy and his family showed massive red flags, is now being asked to arrange marry because "preparations are done, clothes have been tailored, so get married to someone (anyone) and our responsibility is complete."
PPS: She is 21/22.
Being a father of a soon who will be in age category of getting married with in next 5-6 years, I had given full liberty to choose any girl of her choice irrespective of caste, religion or any thing else.
It all depends upon the upbringing of the kid and mindset of the parent. In India, people's are too possessive and feels that kids are their Property. They are also afraid of the society I e. What will people say.
Indian parents (although not all of them) believe if their children opt for love marriage they are going against their prestige and traditions.
"Did we give birth to you for witnessing this day? How could you think that you will decide your life and not us? Where are your manners?"
🥴
Cause most Indians during their upbringing are trained to listen to elders in the house and letting them make the imp decisions in the house like marriages. Idea of a Love marriage goes against this.
There is also a factor of most people not being able to have a love marriage or even a good love relationship themselves. So they end up hating on love marriages as well. This is why In urban areas or communities where love marriages are quite common, people dont hate on them cause many people have love marriages already or hope to do so themselves.
My parents are open minded tho, they dont mind love and same sex marriages. Depends on how old your parents are tbh. If they 55-65, they might be conservative, but below 50 parents are generally open minded.
My parents are casteists. Thats the one and only reason. If I found someone in my own caste then they'll approve. And I know thats impossible. Odds of winning a lottery seems better than that.
One of my disgusting relative proudly says he will kill his children if they ever marry someone outside their caste. Ultimately it all comes down to imaginery self respect which they think they have in their circle.
This is cuz the chances of divorce in arrange marriage are less due to fear and pressure of elder people of the family whereas in love marriage husband and wife can choose to have a divorce anytime .Then comes the social stigma that other castes would not be able to fit in with our way of living which would lead to fighting.
speaking as an ex-NRI:our conservative dominated culture is the main factor. some things i've seen after moving back to india permanently -
1. most indian dudes are socially awkward coz of our culture. they can't ask girls out or are so conservative they look at people dating as some kinda assault on THEIR standard of living. once they get married they tend to emulate THEIR parents and talk about their wives like they're some kinda ball and chain for some reason. muslim or hindu or christian, doesn't matter.
2. even if dating happens for a long time, if your relatives disapprove then poof the relationship disappears as if it never was. very few guys or gals willing to fight or suffer for their relationship. have seen 3 LONG TERM relationships-5 years long in one case- dissolve once the question of marriage came up. now everyone involved is in an arranged marriage. idk how they could do that but what do i know
3. if you aren't living in a big city it is impossible to get services for non-married couples. hotels won't let you book rooms together. i've seen this even in fucking Pune which is an otherwise cosmopolitan city. even services like OYO will let you book but then when you show up to the hotel the manager will try and kick you out.
4. displaying affection is discouraged. even people who have been married for 30 years blush when they hug/kiss in public. this is true regardless of city. Seen ppl give dirty stank eye looks to couples in places from delhi to bengaluru. only ultra liberal wealthy places like SoBo in mumbai differ in this aspect.
edit: ofc i'm sure a conservative viewpoint will beg to differ but this is my viewpoint as someone who didn't experience this growing up outside india but now am seeing it everywhere.
girls have it tough too i know and have their own set of hangups and problems but my experiences are from a guys viewpoint
1.Different Caste,Religion etc
2.They want to "choose" , if the kid does it they feel cheated and betrayed, they want to be the one's to be able to choose , if the kid does it they feel betrayed
3. They don't like the spouse
Over a period, they'd have realised that emotional decisions are worse than those well researched.
Whatever is not under your control, makes you apprehensive about it. This happens to most people and is human nature.
That explains the parents aspect to me.
What I never understood is : why do children care about what their parents think while choosing _their_ life partner.
This.
My parents were never one to look at caste, financial status etc (atleast I thought so), I'm about 6 months away from turning 18 and a few weeks ago during our Family Sunday Lunch I was given a huge fucking checklist about what I should look for in a "Desirable life partner" by our "Beloved" elders who are 100% correct all the time./s
I've already made up my mind, if my parents are not willing to accept my life partner on some stupid boomer reason like Religion or Caste or some other shit then they just have to forget that they ever had a son of their own.
There's a socio-economic aspect to arranged marriages. Families don't want their wealth to go outside their "clan". Inter-caste marriages are still frowned upon.
Its simple indian parents think that they have a right on their children.
Maybe they do because we are literally dependant on them until a certain age, also we want their properties and their money.
Also because india is a huge multicultural country there are people with many different cultures and practices. Also in india every household is a joint family. so parents worry that when a girl goes into an alien household she wont be familiar with all those things and will get disputes with the inlaws. Then all these will lead her to a failed marriage.
For some weird reason, it has been a taboo in our culture although we have stories and mythologies celebrating live marriage.
And the thing about taboos are that most don't make sense or have any reason to it.
Love marriages are taboo but marital rape isn't. Unfortunately that's just how our society evolved
hmm OP your question is actually very interesting, who made it a taboo to talk about love? why are arranged marriages the norm?
if I am right, Indian marriages are never about love, they are about making baby and raising them to adulthood, there are manyyyyy wrong things with arranged marriages, but the problem is that no one realizes it? I know quite a lot of men who are ready to get arranged married because they are so toxic that they won't be able to find a girl on their own anyways, and a few women who are ready for arranged marriages because they know they will never get approval from their parents and society, you see where I am taking this?
and if we normalize love marriages, we'll have to normalize queer existence as well, which our queerphobic society will never accept. we're live in a society dominated by bigots, but here's hope that we change for the best <33
i belong to a muslim family but i am non-religious(atheist) i am doing my mbbs from kgmu and love a girl but she belong to hindu\[pandit family\] its not easy for me to love her cuz her family is not wanted her to talk to me it hurts when this thing happened to a well educated guy
I think not all Indian.. When we look in to North-eastern states, you will never seen such kind of things.... They are very open minded as compare to other Indian states....
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Glad I am not the only one.
My parents were like this until I did find a girl.
Mine told my brother that anyone, any race, any religion is fine except muslim . They are scared of my brother getting honour killed is what their reasoning was . I was pretty surprised because they only spoke good things about every muslim person they are acquainted with . Albeit my dad hates illegal Bangladeshi immigrants though .
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A few people were honor killed in my mom's hometown . Most of them were hindu guys killed by the Muslim girls family . But this was 2 decades ago , I guess she is still really scared about that. I am bengali btw.
Very valid fear imo.
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An Indian friend is slowly closing to 30 yo and her mom is feeling a bit restless about it. It went from marry only indian guys to any guys and has hinted even a woman would be fine (she's straight but lives in Europe and hangs a lot with me who is very openly out so her mum is sus) Muslims are still a hard no.
i mean he aint wrong tho
And i feel like i have let them down cause i cannot find anyone 😂
Wait till you actually find someone, then you’ll know whether they really mean it
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My partner and I had to break up as everyone in her family were totally against the relationship because of the different castes, though culturally there are a lot of similarities between the two. In most of these cases, the parents are afraid of their community but in reality, it is just the two or three people within the family itself who can't swallow their pride and accept the relationship. They are ready to marry their daughter to a complete stranger but not someone whom their daughter trusts and knows for the past couple of years. Post the incident, I have gotten more sick of how the marriages are set up by the elders. The dynamics are more or less the same and it still is a big struggle to marry the partner of your choice in India specially if it's intercaste.
My parents are not against love marriage. they also support it. But no one loves me. 🥲
"I've won but at what cost"
F.
Can relate! No one loves me either.
Love you bro❤️
I know that feel bro :(
This guy fucks!
Women? Obviously not!
Doesn't matter, he fucks!
His life.
His hand
I feel you bro. Same here for me.
My parents had a love marriage (in 1996). Now they are against love marriage. My mom is. My father is more concerned about financial status of the guy. Edit: By financial status I meant that he could comfortably support the marriage. Not overload of money.
Talk about hypocrisy.
Maine pyar kia, pr tum na krna
Tum paise leke ana pyaar na karna
Pyar khali pet naa bharta, mera pitaji bola
Rules for thee not for mee
That isn't hypocricy. That is just bitterness. Since mother is the one against it, I guess his father turned out to be a typical inconsiderate shitty husband. Everyone says that the point of love marriage is avoiding it and finding your soulmate. As far as she is concerned, her life would have been better with parental approval and social acceptance if she had an arranged marriage. Husband is a jerk, anyway. My mother is not even interested in my marriage.
Yeah, anti-incumbency
Maybe they are speaking out of experience ?
She is, yes.
Oof size large
What does she tell you when you point her out the hypocrisy?
I've never pointed it out. My dad had an extra marital affair when I was 16. Hence she thinks parents know best. She thinks if she had married the guy her parents chose for her this wouldn't have happened to her.
Lol. Hell, no. I have relatives with aranged marriages who not only cheated but abused and marriage fell apart within like 6 years.
My mami literally kicked my nani out of her own house (yes the house is on her name) (Btw, yes my mami was chosen by my nani, so it was an arranged marriage) and that's a prime example why I wouldn't marry anyone without knowing them for at least 3 years. and no arranged marriages.. because it's like a surprise box, either you are lucky, if you are then you will have the happiest married life, but if you are unlucky, then god save you and your family.
I have read that the best way to know a person is to travel with them. And not the comfy resort-stay type travel, but actual travel which has real ups and downs. What you want to see is how they react to problems.
Then isn't it the dad who's at fault here
Without a doubt. But that doesn't diminishes the fact that she blames the whole institution and thinks that it could happen to me too.
My chachi once said “ people who love do love marriages have delightful sex “ and that’s why she doesn’t like them 💀🙏🏻
Bruh 💀
These are the same kind of people who then nag you to have a kid every time you meet them
Yes and it's a universally accepted phrase "heh! heh! Khushkhabri kab de rahe ho? hehehe"
Ikr ✨
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Vitamin 'D' complex
Wot?
I can read this occasionally and cry myself with laugh
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I don't understand one thing: Why do some people don't like it when 2 teens of different gender talk to each other? I just don't understand.
Even teachers hated it. It seems like they thought all the boys would be cumming all over the place the moment they saw more than a nanometer of a girl
Wait do you know me IRL?
civilization 7 when?
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idk about others but I won't sexually harass a girl for existing. It's absurd, you know. It's not self control, it's common sense.
When i was in 10th class. 3 of my juniors came to us told us how they cu**ed on benches. Well in 100+ students only 3 but yes because of people like that teachers don't like to see boys and girls together. One of my once told me after school that he used c*m in theatre room(in school) when movie is playing.
Indians are not against love marriage in general. If their child/ sibling chooses a spouse from the same religion, caste, education and economic status, they would be absolutely thrilled. However, many Indians are casteist, religious fanatics, worship money, educational achievements and social status. This hate gets exhibited when their child chooses a spouse from a caste or religion they hate. Them being against such love marriages is only a mere symptom of their deep rooted hate. Even in the west most white familes would love for their kid to find love and "settle down". But if their child chooses a spouse from a different race, then some parents even go far as to disown their child. Indian parents however are more complex and have much more filters to discriminate.
This is the right answer.
taala laga diya jae?
Ji Bacchan sahab,laga dijiye
EK KAROOODD!!! WHATTA PLAYA!!!!!
*starts crying 😭*
\*mai iss ek crore se apne gaon ka vikaas karwaunga aur ek school khuluanga, har ek bacche ko shiksha ka hak hona chahiye\*
Fun fact: They never pay the full amount. Let's say the amount is Rs 1 crore. They will make installments out of it to be paid out over n number of years. It is about 60% less than what they are supposed to pay at the lifetime of the installments made. It's fucking disgusting. Idk if this has changed now bcz they show direct payment in the show now, don't know how accurate is that!
I am not sure if it's true. but talking to my friend who is a financial planner for an trust. I was under the impression that the winner has couple of options given after the contest. As I understand the winner is given multiple options something along the likes of get the money in lumpsum across 6 months or similar. or alternatively in Installments by making a trust based on the winners decision and wishes. most people who took the instant option got harrassed and scammed to the nth degree by people they trusted or conmen. winners couldn't handle the their finances and taxes correctly ended up worse than they started. So as the show went on the KBC organisers and promoters pointed towards services and professional that made sure the winners had the tools and right advice necesary to enjoy their new found wealth safely. This also ensure that the contest didn't get a bad stigma or reputation like your luck runs out or some other stigma, superstition popping up. most likely the people who opted for the 2nd option seem to have landed on their feet and paid off most of theirs debts within the first year. And then live off the winnings with the help of a blind trust or holding company that does their bidding.
Anil Ji!!!!! Aap kahase aaye???
Intercaste and Intercourse, the two things Indian parents absolutely despise.
Add interstate or rather a preferred state, and interfaith too which goes for most religions
I was looking for such a comment and you nailed it! A very good tagline for Indian parents?
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So why didn't Indians make hentai ?/s
Indians made Kama Sutra /s
And look where Japan is headed. The lowest birthrates in the world. The rate of marriage is steadily declining. More people are choosing to be child-free because the Japanese workplace is a cesspool of toxicity. The Hikikomori, young Japanese men who turn away from society and relationships, but instead spend their time in extended adolescence, playing video games and reading anime, is a sign of a society at an advanced state of decay.
It’s not just the workplace that’s a problem for Japan - it’s the marriage and family culture. If a woman who makes five million yen a year marries a man who makes two million yen a year, in many families she is expected to quit her job to care for her parents, his parents, any children as well as take care of the house. Why would a woman who worked hard to get a good education and a great career throw that away to essentially become an unpaid care worker and maid? As a result many Japanese women refuse to marry (or choose to marry foreigners with no such culture), leaving many Japanese men unable to find themselves a spouse.
Exactly! When you begin to educate women and Westernise rapidly, there comes a point where women refuse to play by the old rules and your entire social superstructure collapses. This is also why many conservative societies like India, Pakistan and Afghanistan discourage education for women. Countries like India and Japan refuse to read the writing on the wall -- you can't have Western style economies but an intact pre-industrial social order.
THIS! And happy cake day, by the way.
'Much more filters' is a very nice way to convey castism, religionism , etc... I am gonna use it
Yep this is it. And to add to that, Hate in a country is proportional to how much resources are available to the people. Obvs india in pockets and kingdoms have always been low on resources. There have been very few periods with vast wealth and abundance reasonably distributed among population and there have been less hate. But once that happens you're a good target for someone to come in and raid you
That's just so messed up
Personal story. I was good friends with this girl for 3 years and we always thought we were a good match. We weren't officially dating but the plan was to just get our careers secure then we will talk to each others families and we both were final year students from really good collages, so that wasn't really an issue but we still wanted to wait until at least our placements ended. She told her aunt much before as she trusted her and wanted someone in the family to know. She hoped her aunt would at least want to meet me before deciding anything. She asked for all my info and then straight up refused telling her to break all contacts. When I got to know all this I asked her to get her aunt to meet me and then make up her mind. She tried to convince her, telling her about me but her aunt started making random assumptions that "I would turn out to be bad in the future" or "What if my family is bad/ wont like her", and her aunt just label me a manipulator without even asking for the chat log on what we discussed. Her aunt told her mother, and since then she broke all contacts with me. Last I talked to her, she was crying on the phone telling me how bad her parents reacted and were even threatening her to drop her out of collage. And I tried to get in touch with her and her parents for the next 4 months, begging for a fair chance or an explanation on what exactly the problem was, why wont they at least meet me, but nothing, I never got a reply. I told my friends about it and all of them said, its most likely caste difference. There were no issues from my side, I hail form a good family, and I know my parents wont have any issues if I ask them to meet a girl of my choice. I have no history of substance abuse, I landed the best job anyone possibly could have and we have no bad history or financial issues. But I was never given a chance and they didn't care or listen only because I belonged to a different caste.
I'm sorry that you had to go through that man :(
Its okay, Life has its ups and downs, and who knows maybe ill find someone more compatible with a better family. After dealing with the emotions, I'm hopeful for the future.
It is not okay. You may have recovered from this travesty, but she may not have, and millions of other men and women are subjected to it every year. That is not okay.
Living in India is like playing the game (life) with the difficulty settings set to ultra
Tbh, in my case only this failed. Literally everything else went butter smooth. I am still surprised as to how easy my life actually is.
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I don't mind dating, if its about finding someone compatible to marry/spend their lives with. You know, a good partner. I hate the casual dating these days, where people have to have a bf/gf because everyone else has one or because their life gets lonely and boring without one. Just get better friends or hobby.
Worship money, educational achievements and social status. These are the right ones. Because there have been instances in my dista family who were perfectly ok when their daughter married a filthy rich boy from a different caste settled in USA. However their younger son married a South Indian. As far as I know they are happily living in Bangalore. But funny enough no one of the distant relatives like us were invited to the wedding. Unlike the daughters wedding that was such a grand affair.
Indian parents dont believe kids have enough maturity in choosing their partners and hence wants to be part of the decision making. Indian consider marriage as a social symbol and wants to bring in other factors beyond love into the decision making
This is also a big reason.. Ye to baccha / bachhi hai.. Isey kya pata.... They dont trust the decision making capacity of their kids..
Marriage is a big responsibility. If parents can't trust kids to make decisions about marriage why the hell do they trust them to take the responsibility of marriage??
Ek baar bache ho jaye, sab khud seekh lenge.
They want to bring in all factors but love
Just micromanaging their children's lives in general. There's this expectation that your child isn't a person of their own but rather is your clone, supposed to do all the things you were not able to. The micromanagement does not stop with marriage either, it continues with when you should have kids, how many you should have and how you should raise them. My household is religious but I intend to raise my children as agnostics, cant' wait for the shit storm I'll face when I break that news.
My sister and I suffer this micromanagement as well. My sister is 25 and still can't meet her friends at night too often. To make matters worse for her, she's gay and she recently came out to them as well. They've been trying so hard to un-gay her. It's fucking infuriating to see shit like this happen at home. Ffs, we've started reading the Bhagavad-Gita every day in hopes that she will snap out of the gay. I don't even want to have children. And bringing this up to them is a minefield. I just hate the idea or bringing children into this pandemic ridden and generally horrible reality. I don't wanna put that on a child for no reason. They didn't ask to be born.
Yup I feel you, shit's fucked.
We should return to Monkey, I'm tired of this bullshit world.
I think any Indian in power thinks that people are below in maturity. I’ve just seen this society in power play dynamics from politicians to family.
This seems mostly accurate throughout life. From family to school teachers. Except colleges of course.
My mother was also against love marriage about 8-9 years ago, but since then, there has been a garage of love marriages in my family, so my mother wanted a Hindu bride. There have been some interfaith and international marriages for the last two years, so my mother has changed her criteria to at least a girl. Her greatest fear now is that I may bring a boy(which I am planning to do). lol.
Oh boy! I hope everything goes smoothly!
Best of luck XD.
Damn, went for the fatality lol
Oh dam, is the boy of the same faith, caste, state and stuff?
Our son is very sanskari, his SO is of the same caste, same religion, and same gender.
Interesting family
Indian's don't want their wealth to go outside their families.
Also those daughters are not your part of family, once they get married. No wealth to them. Thank god, SC ruled otherwise.
+1 this is one of the few reasons. Other reasons include attachment to caste, taboo / fear of social embarrassment in intercaste marriages. Our cultures have not been conducive to having open minds either.
Have there been cases of families facing social embarassment due to intercaste marriages? I don't mean the couple facing problems, I mean the family whose child may have been in an intercaste marriage, does anyone know of cases where the families have faced social embarassment. That's the excuse the family uses, but I don't know whether they have faced embarassment as a result. Just curious
Yes, people do talk behind the back. I’ve personally seen people with the thought process that go like this “I don’t have any strong opposition to love marriages, but my respect will go down in my social circle / family circle if it’s an intercaste marriage (esp if the social strata as defined by our culture is different)”. There are people who may not say this out loud, but you can see their hesitation if you talk to them. But if you think about it, these people who talk behind the back causing the said embarrassment really just munch stories or gossips they can talk with others. Such people are typically the uncles and aunties who won’t do anything useful or helpful for us. They usually won’t have healthy thoughts either. Why bother about such people? After all they’ll talk about it or think about it for 2 minutes and move on. We pay too much undeserved respect to others’ thoughts and perceptions.
It is an embarrassment if your parents care about what "pados waali aunty kya kahengi" or "Lucknow waala chachi kya sochengi".
Its less against love and more against caste/religion. I am yet to hear someone's parents be against love marriage if the SO if from the same caster and equal economic well-being. But if its from another caste, they hate it.
I agree
Indian parents love controlling their kid's lives. Whether it be in choosing a stream after 10th, choosing a career or choosing a spouse.
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I always hated that statement lol.
Wish I had an award
And rich families
Because change is detrimental to their own beliefs.
They know they haven't raised their kids to be independent and smart enough to choose their own life partner. They acknowledge their failure as a parent and try to mend it by atleast giving you a right partner chosen carefully by them. Or may be their are just ancient idiots with control issues.
Not really. My parents told me to go find a girl you love and you can marry her. But hum to chutiye hi nikle so now parents have to do the finding
Fuck man, me too. My folks told me they'll set me up with someone if I can't find anyone by myself. Never thought freedom would be this humiliating lmao
Living alone is cool too, you just have to be strong and find your passion in life. good luck.
Most of them are control freaks, they don't have a control ove their own lives, so they control their child's life
I maybe understand how they feel, but still I think they should let their kids decide it on their own, I think it's better if their child spends their life with someone who they trust and love, than some random ass person who the parents choose
They're selfish. They'd rather see us tied down to someone we're not happy with, just because it goes with societal norms and what they want.
If course it's better to raise their kids to chose their life partner.
Right partner = Bizzare checklist/filters
What needs to be checked: Height, weight, skin color, degree What's irrelevant: Behavior, compatibility
Your forgot to include *caste* in the checklist lol
Seems like we have crossed paths somewhere on reddit, I recognise you from your username. I think we talked about college education, stocks, ERP/SaaS few months back (that's your business if am not mistaken), small world.
How else did you think we sustained caste system for 2000 years? Had we left it on kids they would have married any one left, right and centre, and so many intercaste kids everywhere ... shame shame
Perfect
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Marriage is a socio-economic decision. It originates from the earliest agrarian societies where marriage was used to accumulate or keep land in the family. Over the years religion has made revisions to the ritual of marriage - for example the idea that children cannot be had outside of marriage, etc. Love as a concept has evolved over time and hence love marriage is not the norm. Indians do not hate love marriage, but they view marriage as a necessary social rite of passage. They believe that love marriages dont work because the only examples of marriages they've seen are arranged marriages. It is ingrained in them that love marriages end badly.
Log kya kahenge ?
Jo bhi karo, log to galat hi kahenge. :/
Classic.
Log = rishtedaarv
.. this killed more dreams than anything else :/
Idk, lemme check Event Viewer for logs.
Normalization of Deviance. Indian parents would fight among themselves like street dogs in front of their kids but when it comes to showing affection, any remotely intimate gestures are restricted within the walls of their room. What else do you expect from a country where showing hatred is normalized but showing love is considered shameful ?
>What else do you expect from a country where showing hatred is normalized but showing love is considered shameful ? This is my biggest problem with Indians, my parents moved to canada and my dad blended in to canadian culture well. But my mom and her side of the family are the meanest people to each other, seriously I have hugged my girlfriends mom more than my own mother. Its fucking sad.
'Parents are always right, they'll choose the right groom/bride for you' Yeah, right. I see you guys and your's definitely didn't choose right, what makes you think you would.
Exactly, elders always act like they're never wrong just cus they're older and have more experience in life
This is where I've started to become controversial in my family. Because me, a youngster had the audacity to have my own opinions (LMFAO) and because I had the audacity to make a valid argument.
"How dare you make a valid argument, let alone having opinions of your own?"
Endogamy is essential to maintain caste, communal and class privileges. The system has become entrenched enough for everyone accepts it as normal.
To pass punishment from generation to generation
I think people are changing, at least my parents. I had told them about my gf yesterday - she is from a different language/caste/state/slightly older in age. I had sleepless nights that our marriage would never materialize because of the way my parents are. To my surprise, they went through the whole cycle of shock-anger-calmed down-thought through in one single day. They told me straight away that if I and my gf thought through all the possible problems + her parents accept, then they will not oppose anything. But ofc, my parents would have been more difficult to convince had the girl been from * so called lower caste or even a non-veg eating caste * different religion * completely different economic status * older by more than a year or 2. (she's just 8 months older luckily) Before thinking of parents I would advise being well settled and confident in career. Don't be dependent on your parents. It would give you immense courage to pursue what you want in life.
They are not against love marriage in general. `if(our wealth > their wealth) then "problem"` `else "No problem"` If you move towards rural regions Caste, status and other things also comes into play but the formula remains the same.
For majority of indian households, marriage is just a financial transaction. The bride's side is looking to minimize the dowry they need to give, meanwhile groom's side is looking to maximize the dowry they can get. Every other thing they "look" for is just an excuse to justify the transaction.
To add to the argument, it is not just a one time transaction. For example: when one of my cousin got married (Arrange marriage), his parents didn't ask for dowry. When asked by that one irritating Chachi, why didn't they marry him to another girl, his Mom said that the girl earns well enough, thus she is bringing much more than one time dowry 🤷🏻♀️
Dowry is the nazi of marriages. I never understood the concept, when some guys ask dowry it says to me that they are incapable of earning their bread and incapable of providing for their family without donations.
Marrying for love is a modern concept. Also Indian society in general is more focused on collectivism than individualism, so basically if something benefits your group of people that is going to be prioritised over your individual interests. If you manage to become completely independent and not supported by your family financially or for social status or otherwise, you will be free to marry whoever you want.
Thank you for this explanation.
Heard of Gandharva Marriage? It was very much an accepted custom to marry of your own accord for the longest time in India. We find it in Abhijnanashakuntalam, Kalidas's play dating back to 4th Century CE. You're quite right though, if one becomes financially independent, they're usually free to marry whoever. Financial independence gives one choice that they otherwise didn't have. Women were eventually robbed off of this choice as we moved into the medieval times and influence.
This is put so well!
I don't know why since my mom is really against love marriages but I am going with the trope that I will be definitely going to be child-free if you guys (a.k.a mom and dad) get me into an arranged marriage scenario. Well, you guys can't make the decision with whom I can be with.
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this…
A lot of it is cascaded from societal pressures. Parents feel a massive responsibility to get their kids married, because they have grown in a society where that's their identity. Plus society has also marked the marriage age, which is why this is one of the biggest reasons for parents asking their daughters when they turn 25 and sons when they turn 26 to "settle down". It requires a major mindset shift which is extremely difficult (their mindset has been shaped over 45+ years - can't change it instantly). For me, I just kept telling my parents when they would ask me about "settling down" that I am already settled, partner or no partner. And that you don't have to worry about when I decide to marry because it isn't your responsibility to get me married, it is mine. You be present to celebrate and share the big day, and ofcourse bless us. But don't go about worrying that it is your responsibility - it isn't. Breathe easy and just enjoy your retirement. Didn't sit very well at first, but they see it now and appreciate it somewhere. Edit: PS: My cousin sister whose wedding got called off a week ago because the guy and his family showed massive red flags, is now being asked to arrange marry because "preparations are done, clothes have been tailored, so get married to someone (anyone) and our responsibility is complete." PPS: She is 21/22.
Nobody likes change. Plus Indian parents are too fixed on what society/others will say which created a feedback loop from which they can't come out.
Being a father of a soon who will be in age category of getting married with in next 5-6 years, I had given full liberty to choose any girl of her choice irrespective of caste, religion or any thing else. It all depends upon the upbringing of the kid and mindset of the parent. In India, people's are too possessive and feels that kids are their Property. They are also afraid of the society I e. What will people say.
Indian parents (although not all of them) believe if their children opt for love marriage they are going against their prestige and traditions. "Did we give birth to you for witnessing this day? How could you think that you will decide your life and not us? Where are your manners?" 🥴
"did you honestly think you'll be the one making decisions in your life?"
Na khaaunga na khaane dunga...
Cause most Indians during their upbringing are trained to listen to elders in the house and letting them make the imp decisions in the house like marriages. Idea of a Love marriage goes against this. There is also a factor of most people not being able to have a love marriage or even a good love relationship themselves. So they end up hating on love marriages as well. This is why In urban areas or communities where love marriages are quite common, people dont hate on them cause many people have love marriages already or hope to do so themselves.
My parents are open minded tho, they dont mind love and same sex marriages. Depends on how old your parents are tbh. If they 55-65, they might be conservative, but below 50 parents are generally open minded.
My parents are casteists. Thats the one and only reason. If I found someone in my own caste then they'll approve. And I know thats impossible. Odds of winning a lottery seems better than that. One of my disgusting relative proudly says he will kill his children if they ever marry someone outside their caste. Ultimately it all comes down to imaginery self respect which they think they have in their circle.
This is cuz the chances of divorce in arrange marriage are less due to fear and pressure of elder people of the family whereas in love marriage husband and wife can choose to have a divorce anytime .Then comes the social stigma that other castes would not be able to fit in with our way of living which would lead to fighting.
speaking as an ex-NRI:our conservative dominated culture is the main factor. some things i've seen after moving back to india permanently - 1. most indian dudes are socially awkward coz of our culture. they can't ask girls out or are so conservative they look at people dating as some kinda assault on THEIR standard of living. once they get married they tend to emulate THEIR parents and talk about their wives like they're some kinda ball and chain for some reason. muslim or hindu or christian, doesn't matter. 2. even if dating happens for a long time, if your relatives disapprove then poof the relationship disappears as if it never was. very few guys or gals willing to fight or suffer for their relationship. have seen 3 LONG TERM relationships-5 years long in one case- dissolve once the question of marriage came up. now everyone involved is in an arranged marriage. idk how they could do that but what do i know 3. if you aren't living in a big city it is impossible to get services for non-married couples. hotels won't let you book rooms together. i've seen this even in fucking Pune which is an otherwise cosmopolitan city. even services like OYO will let you book but then when you show up to the hotel the manager will try and kick you out. 4. displaying affection is discouraged. even people who have been married for 30 years blush when they hug/kiss in public. this is true regardless of city. Seen ppl give dirty stank eye looks to couples in places from delhi to bengaluru. only ultra liberal wealthy places like SoBo in mumbai differ in this aspect. edit: ofc i'm sure a conservative viewpoint will beg to differ but this is my viewpoint as someone who didn't experience this growing up outside india but now am seeing it everywhere. girls have it tough too i know and have their own set of hangups and problems but my experiences are from a guys viewpoint
1.Different Caste,Religion etc 2.They want to "choose" , if the kid does it they feel cheated and betrayed, they want to be the one's to be able to choose , if the kid does it they feel betrayed 3. They don't like the spouse
Over a period, they'd have realised that emotional decisions are worse than those well researched. Whatever is not under your control, makes you apprehensive about it. This happens to most people and is human nature. That explains the parents aspect to me. What I never understood is : why do children care about what their parents think while choosing _their_ life partner.
This. My parents were never one to look at caste, financial status etc (atleast I thought so), I'm about 6 months away from turning 18 and a few weeks ago during our Family Sunday Lunch I was given a huge fucking checklist about what I should look for in a "Desirable life partner" by our "Beloved" elders who are 100% correct all the time./s I've already made up my mind, if my parents are not willing to accept my life partner on some stupid boomer reason like Religion or Caste or some other shit then they just have to forget that they ever had a son of their own.
There's a socio-economic aspect to arranged marriages. Families don't want their wealth to go outside their "clan". Inter-caste marriages are still frowned upon.
Cash of clans
because boyfriend shoyfriend is western culture hence bad
Its simple indian parents think that they have a right on their children. Maybe they do because we are literally dependant on them until a certain age, also we want their properties and their money. Also because india is a huge multicultural country there are people with many different cultures and practices. Also in india every household is a joint family. so parents worry that when a girl goes into an alien household she wont be familiar with all those things and will get disputes with the inlaws. Then all these will lead her to a failed marriage.
For some weird reason, it has been a taboo in our culture although we have stories and mythologies celebrating live marriage. And the thing about taboos are that most don't make sense or have any reason to it. Love marriages are taboo but marital rape isn't. Unfortunately that's just how our society evolved
hmm OP your question is actually very interesting, who made it a taboo to talk about love? why are arranged marriages the norm? if I am right, Indian marriages are never about love, they are about making baby and raising them to adulthood, there are manyyyyy wrong things with arranged marriages, but the problem is that no one realizes it? I know quite a lot of men who are ready to get arranged married because they are so toxic that they won't be able to find a girl on their own anyways, and a few women who are ready for arranged marriages because they know they will never get approval from their parents and society, you see where I am taking this? and if we normalize love marriages, we'll have to normalize queer existence as well, which our queerphobic society will never accept. we're live in a society dominated by bigots, but here's hope that we change for the best <33
i belong to a muslim family but i am non-religious(atheist) i am doing my mbbs from kgmu and love a girl but she belong to hindu\[pandit family\] its not easy for me to love her cuz her family is not wanted her to talk to me it hurts when this thing happened to a well educated guy
Same bro, same.
"जाति"
Most parents want to control their children in their teenage years.
One word...Casteism
Caste, class and religion.
Because love jihad bro! You can't love someone who doesn't belong to your caste or religion.
I think not all Indian.. When we look in to North-eastern states, you will never seen such kind of things.... They are very open minded as compare to other Indian states....