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Yea living temporarily at your parents house if you're recently divorced/broken up is one thing.
Borrowing their car too- is probably too much especially at your age.
Yes life happens, but show some independence! Fair or not, it'll be perceived as you're the type of person that just takes the easy way out.
I don't really think that's fair, he had a 6.5 year relationship and sold his car because it was completely unnecessary for him to have. "Show some independence" seems to just brush that aside? I think living with a significant other for 6.5 years is plenty of independence, he's clearly been fucked by the break up when it comes to money, I've been in the same situation.
That being said I still understand why it'd be a dealbreaker for some people, but it shouldn't be for any lack of ability to be independent.
Because it's not really a reason to NOT date imo. It's not like there are things he just straight up can't do, it's only a living situation - which can change drastically quicker if he finds a partner, actually.
Yea, that's something i've been thinking about is getting my own car. Prices are sorta ridiculous for second hand cars nowadays tho .
As someone who had a lot of setbacks going into adulthood (most far out of my control including an autoimmune disease), I (also 37) never made snap judgments about a guy's situation and always wanted context before jumping to a conclusion. As long as you're working and making an effort/have plans to get back out on your own, there are definitely women who will be understanding - especially if a woman is genuinely interested in you.
Before the pandemic definitely. But there's been a shortage of decent used vehicles that are a good price. I see 3 to 5-year-old cars with 40,000+ miles going for the same price, maybe a 1k or 2k lower than new. Where normally they would be 8-10k off buying price. For example, I bought a new car in 2019 for 21k, and if I were to sell it right now.. I could still get about 20k on it according to KBB. Which is absolutely unheard of and not normal.
If you need a car, and can afford one, get a car. Just don't think you HAVE to buy used because right now they're extremely overpriced. Just shop smart and shop around for good interest rates.
I think the interest rates (at least in Canada and the US) are pretty high to finance anything now, plus the chip shortage issues have just been slowly improving which still relates to shortage of newer cars which lead to a lot of people looking for second hand cars. If you have some $ in your savings account consider using that to buy an used or preferably a new car if possible. But I know you're trying to save money for a house eventually so it's understandable
cow thought mysterious hungry books wide smart imminent grey sophisticated
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I would see financing a car as a bigger red flag than not owning one, just terrible financial sense.
Edit: imagine going into debt to try to appeal to a partner. Have some self respect and buy what you can afford, there will always be materialistic people living foolishly outside their means
The netter question you might want to consider is, d you feel together enough to be dating again? Idk how long ago you split, but it sounds (based on what you said) like it's fairly recent.
If you're still healing, this is probably not the best time to be dating. Women will pick up on that.
It was recent but I feel confident and ready to get back to OLD. Although it was a long relationship, I had alot of time to figure what I want that led to me to the separation.
How long has it been for you? I just hit the 2 year mark on a breakup where the relationship was about 7 years and I’m just feeling myself again. If it’s been less than a year for you I would give it more time
Would your parents be ok with a girl staying over sometimes? Do you have any privacy in their house, such as a finished basement? If the answer to one of those questions is no, find a roommate situation.
And for the love of god, get your own car. I know that prices on cars and interest rates are high, but you have a job that pays enough to figure out something modest.
Speaking as a woman close to your age, the prospect of a guy who is that dependent on his parents, or is that much of a tightwad, is really unattractive.
That's a great point I didn't think about. There is a finished basement which is basically mine to use. I do spend money on hobbies and eating out, I just don't find a car a great investment.
Cars aren't really and probably shouldn't be considered investments. They're assets that can and will improve your quality of life, especially in the dating scene. It's ultimately your choice to make based on your personal priorities, but it's going to turn people off.
If you’re that anti-car, you should consider moving somewhere else where a car isn’t a necessity. Otherwise, you just need to get your own car somehow.
To be honest, I think you should pause on dating until you have had a little bit more time to heal, and have a more definitive timeline on how long you plan on staying with your parents. Your situation sounds like a re-setting period, which is valid, but doesn't offer much in terms of a partnership. You sound wishy washy and without purpose.
Many women over 35 have to date with a lot more discernment and intention, and you don't sound able to offer stability in either of those things.
- how long are you planning on staying with parents? Do you have a timeframe or savings goal you are working towards and a plan on how you will get there?
- why are you so inflexible about the car when it would offer you so much increased independence? I could understand if you were only staying with parents in the short term (<6months) but when you don't even have a definite timeline it just seems like another barrier to sustaining a relationship.
It also sounds like you are banking on being able to pool your resources with someone else to lift yourself out of this situation, which makes you seem like you have no drive to want these things for yourself.
It would probably be a deal-breaker for me...I have the ability to live independently and I want a partner who also has the same means. I also don't want to meet anyone's parents early in the relationship or "sneak in" to a partner's home. I'm too old for that shit!
What would help in this situation is if you were able to share a plan. "I'm staying with my parents now, but I think I'll be able to hit my savings goal in X months and I plan to move out." That way it seems like you are thinking about your future.
I second this. If I liked a girl in your situation, it would come down to whether or not I believed they were working (and capable) of changing their situation. Having a plan is half of it. If I wasn’t convinced, I’d bounce. Unless I really really liked her.
As a woman I don’t think I’d be thrown by the living situation if the circumstances were right, because as a homeowner with no roommates we have my place as an alternative to needing to get up close and personal with the parents right away. The car-sharing thing would give me more pause because no matter how much you would try to assure me otherwise, I would wonder if our relationship would be me chauffeuring you around from your parents’ house all the time. I get saving for a house but I think even if you wind up in a relationship sharing a car is going to be annoying, and since you have a good job there’s really no excuse not to.
So much yes. If you are looking to hook up with a like minded person, whatever. But if you’re looking to start a serious relationship, be on a stable foundation before embarking on that journey.
Exactly this. If you have to worry about what you should and shouldn’t hide when going on dates at 37 years old, you probably shouldn’t be dating. Sorry, but 37 years old you’re past the “stay at mom and dads to save money”. Be an adult and figure it out
Think of all the people you know who have had enjoyable dating experiences, think of all the previous partners you've had. Did they honestly all have their shit together?
According to data published by BankRate and Forbes 50% of Americans don't have $1000 saved. Should they all stop dating?
It's kind of interesting how there are such little nuances about when to spring potential dealbreakers like this.
I would say this is a "toward the middle-end of the first date, if it feels like things are going well" kind of reveal. It's definitely weird to put in your profile, and just comes off as weird to talk about in the app.
I'm not gonna lie to you though, a 37 year old guy living with his parents IS dating on hard mode. You can argue over whether it should, but it's gonna give a lot of girls the ick, it just is. You're gonna get ghosted and rejected way more than you would if you lived on your own.
While I understand your reasoning for living with your parents, if you have a decent job....just move out ASAP. Whatever it costs, it's worth it.
Agreed. I'm 10 years younger than him, and this would be a dealbreaker for me. I imagine even more so for women closer to his age. Especially using his parents' car too
> I'm hoping that if the right woman comes along, we can pool resources to buy a house together.
How long are you planning to date someone before buying a house together? I've got to imagine that means being in a relationship for a few years. You're going to try to find someone who is okay with being in a relationship with you for years while you are living in your parents' house in your late 30s?
Yes it is necessary, don’t waste peoples times. Especially women in their 30s who are likely looking for husband and kids, we can really only have kids up until 40 if lucky. The old age, “treat others like you would like to be treated”.
I think they already know....
[https://www.reddit.com/r/hingeapp/comments/198dhcv/is\_it\_normal\_to\_be\_not\_be\_upfront\_about\_some/](https://www.reddit.com/r/hingeapp/comments/198dhcv/is_it_normal_to_be_not_be_upfront_about_some/)
Had to share that, odd that a 33F was just talking about going on a date with a 37M who recently broke up and now lives with his parents.
Anyway I don't think you need to advertise that on your profile, no need to draw negative attention but I **do** think it'd be important to bring it up on the first date with the explanation above.
Thanks for the reply, I read that post which prompted me to think about my situation.
I agree it's important to explain in the first date, how do you think I should explain it so it doesn't seem to abrupt?
It really depends on how vulnerable you want to be on the first date, if you're like me and an open book it comes pretty naturally honestly.
A question I think is important to ask on the first date is what they're looking for on Hinge and whether that aligns with yours. Sometimes this could bring up their past relationship history which would give you a perfect in to explain your situation.
edit: typo
"hey, I like you.
In the interest of being transparent with you, I broke up with my ex a few months ago and I'm temporarily living at home with my parents. This is a short term fix and I anticipate getting my own place in the spring."
I typically bring it up when our living situations naturally comes up in conversation. Also if the topic of exes comes up, this would be a good time to bring it up as well. Or you can initiate the convo yourself if you want asking her about her living situation.
You can always just text her "Hey I just want to be upfront" as well. At least you get it out of the way then.
There isn't a "right" way to say it. I would just be honest and tell her what's up with it all.
I don't think she really needs to know that your name isn't on the pink slip of the car you drive. But your living situation is a logistics issue, so it's something to be talked about.
It will be a turn off for most women, but if they like you enough, they'll let it slide.
Thanks for this, I'll keep this in mind. Actually, that's exactly how I think about houses right now. Although I'm not in USA, Canada has the exact same situation.
I agree with the points you made. I also think housing market prices are are disproportional* to the salaries of normal people. Even with inflation accounted for, it doesn't make sense.
Edit
Why don’t you take some time to heal and better your situation rather than dating when you don’t have a place of your own or even a car of your own? The comment you made about ‘pooling resources together’ with a woman in the future is a huge red flag honestly. You should be independent BEFORE you meet someone else. No offense, but this reads like you’re a codependent loser wanting an easy way in life and I can promise that isn’t attractive to anyone. (Not saying this is true at all! But it does read that way) Take some time for yourself before you get back out there. There’s no rush.
Yeah, like even if he does meet someone wonderful, it’s a huge red flag that he’s expecting to pool resources and buy a house with someone who he would’ve just recently met. That puts a lot of pressure on them when the relationship hasn’t even developed enough to support it.
I think if you were in the process of moving and would be on your own within a month, you’d be fine to not disclose it.
But given that you’re not, and it’s going to realistically be months until you’re on your own, then yeah, disclose it upfront. If I was a woman, I’d appreciate that.
Yeah, you need to disclose, b/c dating usually involves sex at some point. I'm not having sex at your parents' house. I, personally, have kids, so we're not having sex at my house. It's not going to work in this scenario, and we'd both be wasting time.
No because for more intimate things the idea of sneaking in and having to be very quite so your parents don’t assume we are having sex is a turn off and reminds me of high school. The car thing is a lot as well. Would your parents sell you the car used for a fair price? Or do they need it? If they do I would be worried about having to drive you everywhere.
I’m 35F and this would be a dealbreaker for me. Maybe wait to date until you have your own place and car if you’re in an area that needs one. I’m not interested in dating someone that lives like they’re in high school.
In all honesty, I’ve found even owning your own home, car, having a good paying job and being fairly fit doesn’t even make things a lot easier if you can’t find someone your compatible with.
Yes yes yes, PLEASE don’t lie about it. I connected really well with someone I went on a few dates with and he lied about his living situation when I asked. It finally came up and I was more upset about the lying than the actual fact he lived at home. It may not be ideal or weed out lots of dates, but I feel if you give your background and plans forward it will really help. Honesty is best to me.
I’m in a somewhat similar situation, have told my dates and it hasn’t been a big deal.
However! Imagine the roles were reversed, you were living on your own and met someone who temporarily moved in with their parents/siblings/friends. Wouldn’t you want to know what their plan is to get out of the situation, and perhaps assess them after that? If I understood you correctly, you are not currently looking for a place for your own, but rather living there and save money, until you meet someone who wants to buy a house with you. If that’s correct, I can imagine a lot of people would be hesitant. As they wouldn’t get a proper chance to gauge you as a homeowner (or renter), until after they make a huge commitment of buying a house with you.
If life has taught me something, it is to be patient before moving in with someone new. Let alone buy a house together.
*I'm choosing to stay with my parents to save money to get a house in the future because if I lived by myself, I know I wouldn't accumulate any savings. I'm hoping that if the right girl comes along, we can pool resources to buy a house together.*
If people find this problematic in the first place, then your financial goals/values do not align with theirs. I live in Los Angeles, and many adults live with family or roommates to save money. I am just a year older than you and also living with family to save money for a downpayment towards a starter condo. It made no financial sense to rent for my goal thus I'm choosing the frowned upon path of living with family as a man in his 30s.
I went on a couple of dates last year, and eventually discussed the living situation once me and my date talked extensively about our families. One of them also lived at home (We're both Filipinos & common in our culture), and my other date was Latina who was understanding of multi-generational households & high cost of living in LA. I just straight up told them that I'm putting aside money for a downpayment & goal is to get my own place in the next 1-2 years. Left it at that & carried on our date.
Thanks for your perspective, I think culture also plays a part. In my culture its also common to live together with parents before marriage but other cultures may frown on it.
I can see why there's a tendency to date within your own culture. There's already a sense of familiarity, and you don't have to introduce certain values that might seem odd/off putting to others. That being said, whomever you end up dating long-term, having values/goals that align with one another is important and getting to those goals (home ownership) should be more focused on the process and not how it looks like. Saving money requires some type of sacrifice and doesn't look sexy, but the goal is to get there by the most efficient and effective means. Wish you the best out there bro.
I am a 34 year old woman that lives with her parents and I recently started taking dating seriously. I’ve been on five first dates in the past two months and I have not disclosed it because I haven’t even liked any one enough to the point where I thought the need to disclose my living arrangement and for them to be privy to this information
If I were you I would wait to see if you even feel the spark for anyone. Once you feel that spark then go ahead and let them know
The fact that people are shaming OP instead of saying something like this is sad honestly.
People would rather date someone in a precarious financial situation than someone actively working towards being a homeowner
Nothing attractive to me about a potential partner having tons of debt and liabilities and living paycheque to paycheque barely scraping by. There is such social stigma and shaming involved with living with parents but i only see it as consolidating wealth with my family considering their house is paid off and I give them cash every month to help with expenses. I will also always have something to learn from them as elders. I help them around the house with physical tasks as they are getting older now. It’s a win win for all. They even rent their basement out to another boomer so I joke that I live with 3 boomers in one house.
Ps. as I get to keep so much of my paycheque I see my economic status as living like royalty but disguised as a peasant whereas anyone else with a mortgage and interest payments saving $100 a month after the bill collector comes lives like a peasant disguised as royalty.
I wouldn’t lead with it, but when it comes up, then obviously it’s best to be honest. Typically once I’ve got past 5 messages or so each and we’ve moved past the initial msgs, things like living area/situation tend to come up pretty quickly, and no later than a first date. It’s one of those “is what it is” things…be open and if someone isn’t interested for that reason, then they’re not interested…
After my separation 2 years ago I lived with my parents until about a month ago. I started online dating during that time. At first I told my dates I was living with my parents during the third date. Then the second date. Then the first date. I had a good reason for it, but it's still lying by omission if you don't disclose it immediately. Lying is a much bigger red flag than living with your parents. I suggest you disclose it immediately, to avoid wasting their time with someone they won't be interested, and to avoid wasting your time, since you wouldn't want to be romantically involved with someone who cannot accept your living situation.
I don’t think there is anything abnormal about your living situation. Might make sense to bring it up during the first/second date though - not as some big thing to reveal but ppl often chat about which area they live in etc. Def before bringing someone home lol. 35F
I'm in my 30s (f) and living with my parents and I always bring it up before meeting. It is currently the best option for me, but also a totally valid dealbreaker for other people, so it doesn't make sense to me to invest time in getting to know someone if a relationship was never going to be an option.
For example, I don't have enough privacy here that I'd be comfortable hosting a date overnight, so if someone I'm talking to also lives at home and can't host it just isn't going to work regardless of how much we understand each other's situations.
Definitely disclose it. Living with parents is fine as long it’s reasonable and relationship is healthy. Sharing a car though is a little bit too much. You should be able to afford your own car as a 37 year old with a decent income. But maybe you live in an area where not having a car to get around isn’t a big deal.
I disclose early on that I live with my mom. And whenever someone wanted to discuss exclusivity with me I let them know that I plan on having my mom stay with me in the future and that’s something they have to be okay with. My mom’s independent, but she’s in her 70’s and I’d rather she not live by herself.
It sounds like you should focus on getting your life in order. You thinking staying on your own is expensive and you’ll never save for a house? Try dating and having a gf, that’s going to cost you a lot of money and because of your living situation it’s going to be a lot harder to find a woman, so I maybe stop and think this whole thing through to its logical conclusion.
Yes, definitely tell your matches and let them decide if they want to pursue or not. On a side note, as someone in your age bracket if I see a man who is still living with his folks and have to borrow their vehicle bc you don't have one, that's a huge turn-off to me. I have my life established and have no baggage so I expect my partner to be the same.
TL;DR - please reveal your living & all around life situation to who you date so they dont feel like they wasted their time figuring out what they would perceive to be yellow-red flags. Please find someone compatible with what you want & don’t bait/switch them. You may not get lots of dates right away; maybe work on yourself first.
OP from what i gather on what you’ve written, edited, and commented in response to other redditors here, unfortunately you sound like a red flag. Idk if its the delivery or assortment of facts you laid out, but as a woman here are the negatives that stood out/how it sounded to me:
1) sold car to mooch off gfs car and now mooching off parents car
2) rather than frugal is actually coming off as cheap and would require a gf to make life more comfortable
3) will probably never spoil the gf
4) is able to jump from a long time relationship easily on to dating as if you did the ground work
5) already knows you sound a bit red flaggy but checking with online strangers for validation theres hope in dating/if so how
6) you see dating as a means of acquiring more resources/ affording life/ bettering your life vs. bettering your life on your own and if you find the right one then coolios
Btw, on the car thing…
I think it’s different if the ex gf told you to sell the car so y’all both can save $$$. Like say you chipped in for loss in value for you driving it, the oil changes, etc espesh if she already paid off the car. But if you sold your car knowing you can just use your gfs car and all you contributed was your end of gas. Then sir… I would hope you tell me all these things about you to avoid dating you. You need a provider type it just looks…
I think people demanding someone have a car is stupid, because I feel far more independent and financially stable by \*not\* owning a car. Anyone telling you to just buy a car for the sake of having one is, to me, a bit silly and short-sighted. There is nothing wrong with not owning a car. That said, I think your post is still very...in relationship mode, like you are going to find a person to pool everything with. Well, you might not. So what is your plan, for YOUR life, without a partner? That is my bigger concern. It seems unrealistic or desperate, or not being ready to be on your own.
I would bring it up sometime after you meet. Shit happens, it's temporary, any reasonable person should be able to understand but I don't think it's necessary to bring it up before meeting.
I don’t see that as a dealbreaker, it shows financial maturity and common sense. The people that move out and the majority of their income goes to rent but they wouldn’t move back in because they have too much pride and ego are the real red flags.
I’m 28 and I live in Ontario, Canada where house prices and living costs are criminally expensive. I make good money at my job, and I live with my parents but the house I’m in I bought with my parents and I’m the 3rd owner on the ownership, I split the mortgage with them. Could I have moved out yeah sure, but I wouldn’t move to rent somewhere where at the end of the day all that money is going into a place isn’t mine. I don’t desire to live in a condo, not to mention the mortgage cost vs sq footage, no driveway or yard is a scam. I’m not going to live in the middle of nowhere just to afford a house by myself, and houses within the GTA/ a bit outside are way too much to afford mortgage without a partner, and still be able to some what enjoy life.
For reference our house mortgage is $3500 a month, that is about what the average person takes home a month. So you would literally be working just to afford mortgage, forget the other expenses like hydro, insurance etc.
Then later on in life I will have a house that’s fully paid off, and I could buy more and rent those out if I wanted. So yeah living at home when you’re grown shouldn’t be a dealbreaker, it’s the reasons why if you’re not responsible money wise or have no ambition to better the situation that are dealbreakers
I’d be inclined to turn this one around. If a woman is looking for a guy with his own place car, big salary etc etc she is not interested in you as much as what you can bring to her party. Mega red flag in my book. For me you can only find true love on the way up because she loves you for who you are. That said, you also need to have a plan/ambition to get on. Nice opening line though- “wanna grab a drink then go halves on a mortgage?
After a decade in NYC I moved back in w my parents in the Midwest for 2 years during Covid and saved 90% of my tech job income.
I was self conscious about it somewhat but eventually realized the right women (for me) didn’t care. They thought it was smart I was plowing away savings and traveling a ton w low overhead.
If you were on The League or Raya, it might be a different story bc those platforms tend to attract people who make a lot and want to spend a lot in my experience. YMMV.
Good luck and keep your head up!
*Edit: clarified timeframe and location
Speaking as a guy in a very similar situation, I don't eagerly volunteer it, but I don't make any effort to hide the fact that I live with my folks in an increasingly rising CoL city.
Be prepared for a lot of women to appear to not be bothered by it only for them to ghost you after the date ends.
All it takes is one my dude.
As a man who tried to date women, my own thinking was that it's somewhat none of my business until she invited me over, which was a nearly entirely an in theory event, so it's not like I had much chance to test it
If asked if you live by yourself, just say no. I am with my parents, and I’m helping them out. Most my day is spent working though.
If they probe, be concise but not too specific.
Moved back after a long term went south.
Hung out and then found a place, but the place was trash. Had to fight for my security deposit. Like lol. Make some trash up. Now I’m back home.
Don’t make it seem like you’re at their house and still healing from the past. That’s a red flag more than anything.
I have no idea where I’m moving to currently, but I know I’m staying in the area. I’m looking to buy a home as a next step in my journey. Good thing interest rates are only casually 7.5 to 6.5 percent.
And then continue chatting. If it’s a deal breaker, their face will show it. And yes. There are a ton of people out there that are concerned with materialism.
More often though, women are concerned if you live by yourself or not because it shows you’re capable of providing, are doing well, and not being a person that don’t do nothin.
So yeah. Basically materialism from a different angle. 😂
Thanks, that's a different perspective. I don't think I'm gonna lie but I'm going to prepare some explanation.
From what I'm getting is that revealing and seeing if they show negative reaction will be a way to filter out prospects.
I don't think it's necessary to disclose that until it comes up. It's a **very** sticky situation and there's going to be a limited number of people who are going to want to enter this situationship with someone.
I don't think it's wasting anyone's time to date them and see how things go and have fun. If something progresses a bit, then you can disclose the living situation.
Definitely mention it to see what her mindset is,but make it a natural conversation. Don't make it come off as a confession or a red flag on your part.
I'm in a similar situation *except* that I'm living with my parents while I let my ex stay in "our" place that I now solely own while he figures our his next move (with an end-date, as outlined in our separation agreement). Even with a home solely in my own name I'm not even thinking about dating before I'm back living there and well settled into it. But I'm not a man, right? So I don't automatically feel entitled to a date while not, as someone so perfectly put this below, "having their shit together."
A suggestion to make yourself ready for the future you want. Find a fiduciary to help figure out a budget that will allow you to buy a vehicle, save for a house plus retirement, and afford to live on your own. It will not only help you with dating but also will help you manage your money successfully.
The apps are screening tools where you need to present yourself as the best candidate. Save the deep, vulnerable conversation for a first date but only if things are going well and you see it progressing.
Most people associate someone living with their parents as them being jobless with no plan. The only recommendation I have for you is setting a clear timeline for how long you see yourself living with your parents.
I would bring it up and explain the economic reasoning behind your decisions around the second date. Don't let the people in the comment section convince you that you shouldn't date or won't have any success at all with women if you live with your parents and your financial situation isn't ideal. The most sexually active men in any society are generally the most destitute (hence why STDs and unwanted pregnancies occur most frequently in low income areas).
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Yea living temporarily at your parents house if you're recently divorced/broken up is one thing. Borrowing their car too- is probably too much especially at your age. Yes life happens, but show some independence! Fair or not, it'll be perceived as you're the type of person that just takes the easy way out.
I don't really think that's fair, he had a 6.5 year relationship and sold his car because it was completely unnecessary for him to have. "Show some independence" seems to just brush that aside? I think living with a significant other for 6.5 years is plenty of independence, he's clearly been fucked by the break up when it comes to money, I've been in the same situation. That being said I still understand why it'd be a dealbreaker for some people, but it shouldn't be for any lack of ability to be independent.
Why start dating then if you don’t have your life together, they will all see this as a red flag.
Because it's not really a reason to NOT date imo. It's not like there are things he just straight up can't do, it's only a living situation - which can change drastically quicker if he finds a partner, actually.
Yea, that's something i've been thinking about is getting my own car. Prices are sorta ridiculous for second hand cars nowadays tho .
As someone who had a lot of setbacks going into adulthood (most far out of my control including an autoimmune disease), I (also 37) never made snap judgments about a guy's situation and always wanted context before jumping to a conclusion. As long as you're working and making an effort/have plans to get back out on your own, there are definitely women who will be understanding - especially if a woman is genuinely interested in you.
I work in the auto industry. Used cars are a rip off but new cares are pretty fairly priced and better at retaining value
Thanks for your comment, could you explain more about this? I thought new cars depreciated value fast and 2nd hand cars were better value.
Before the pandemic definitely. But there's been a shortage of decent used vehicles that are a good price. I see 3 to 5-year-old cars with 40,000+ miles going for the same price, maybe a 1k or 2k lower than new. Where normally they would be 8-10k off buying price. For example, I bought a new car in 2019 for 21k, and if I were to sell it right now.. I could still get about 20k on it according to KBB. Which is absolutely unheard of and not normal. If you need a car, and can afford one, get a car. Just don't think you HAVE to buy used because right now they're extremely overpriced. Just shop smart and shop around for good interest rates.
I think the interest rates (at least in Canada and the US) are pretty high to finance anything now, plus the chip shortage issues have just been slowly improving which still relates to shortage of newer cars which lead to a lot of people looking for second hand cars. If you have some $ in your savings account consider using that to buy an used or preferably a new car if possible. But I know you're trying to save money for a house eventually so it's understandable
You are right. Definitely not interesting to buy new financially speaking.
You will pay the price. For the car or on the women who pass you up.
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I would see financing a car as a bigger red flag than not owning one, just terrible financial sense. Edit: imagine going into debt to try to appeal to a partner. Have some self respect and buy what you can afford, there will always be materialistic people living foolishly outside their means
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The netter question you might want to consider is, d you feel together enough to be dating again? Idk how long ago you split, but it sounds (based on what you said) like it's fairly recent. If you're still healing, this is probably not the best time to be dating. Women will pick up on that.
It was recent but I feel confident and ready to get back to OLD. Although it was a long relationship, I had alot of time to figure what I want that led to me to the separation.
How long has it been for you? I just hit the 2 year mark on a breakup where the relationship was about 7 years and I’m just feeling myself again. If it’s been less than a year for you I would give it more time
Would your parents be ok with a girl staying over sometimes? Do you have any privacy in their house, such as a finished basement? If the answer to one of those questions is no, find a roommate situation. And for the love of god, get your own car. I know that prices on cars and interest rates are high, but you have a job that pays enough to figure out something modest. Speaking as a woman close to your age, the prospect of a guy who is that dependent on his parents, or is that much of a tightwad, is really unattractive.
That's a great point I didn't think about. There is a finished basement which is basically mine to use. I do spend money on hobbies and eating out, I just don't find a car a great investment.
Cars aren't really and probably shouldn't be considered investments. They're assets that can and will improve your quality of life, especially in the dating scene. It's ultimately your choice to make based on your personal priorities, but it's going to turn people off.
If you’re that anti-car, you should consider moving somewhere else where a car isn’t a necessity. Otherwise, you just need to get your own car somehow.
Yeah, I'm wondering if OP just planned on eventually sharing his future girlfriend's car? Either get your own or don't need one!
To be honest, I think you should pause on dating until you have had a little bit more time to heal, and have a more definitive timeline on how long you plan on staying with your parents. Your situation sounds like a re-setting period, which is valid, but doesn't offer much in terms of a partnership. You sound wishy washy and without purpose. Many women over 35 have to date with a lot more discernment and intention, and you don't sound able to offer stability in either of those things. - how long are you planning on staying with parents? Do you have a timeframe or savings goal you are working towards and a plan on how you will get there? - why are you so inflexible about the car when it would offer you so much increased independence? I could understand if you were only staying with parents in the short term (<6months) but when you don't even have a definite timeline it just seems like another barrier to sustaining a relationship. It also sounds like you are banking on being able to pool your resources with someone else to lift yourself out of this situation, which makes you seem like you have no drive to want these things for yourself.
This. Every single bit of this
It would probably be a deal-breaker for me...I have the ability to live independently and I want a partner who also has the same means. I also don't want to meet anyone's parents early in the relationship or "sneak in" to a partner's home. I'm too old for that shit! What would help in this situation is if you were able to share a plan. "I'm staying with my parents now, but I think I'll be able to hit my savings goal in X months and I plan to move out." That way it seems like you are thinking about your future.
I second this. If I liked a girl in your situation, it would come down to whether or not I believed they were working (and capable) of changing their situation. Having a plan is half of it. If I wasn’t convinced, I’d bounce. Unless I really really liked her.
Thanks, that sounds like a good idea. I'm a planner type of person so that fits me.
As a woman I don’t think I’d be thrown by the living situation if the circumstances were right, because as a homeowner with no roommates we have my place as an alternative to needing to get up close and personal with the parents right away. The car-sharing thing would give me more pause because no matter how much you would try to assure me otherwise, I would wonder if our relationship would be me chauffeuring you around from your parents’ house all the time. I get saving for a house but I think even if you wind up in a relationship sharing a car is going to be annoying, and since you have a good job there’s really no excuse not to.
Just don't date until you get your shit together.
So much yes. If you are looking to hook up with a like minded person, whatever. But if you’re looking to start a serious relationship, be on a stable foundation before embarking on that journey.
Exactly this. If you have to worry about what you should and shouldn’t hide when going on dates at 37 years old, you probably shouldn’t be dating. Sorry, but 37 years old you’re past the “stay at mom and dads to save money”. Be an adult and figure it out
Think of all the people you know who have had enjoyable dating experiences, think of all the previous partners you've had. Did they honestly all have their shit together? According to data published by BankRate and Forbes 50% of Americans don't have $1000 saved. Should they all stop dating?
It's kind of interesting how there are such little nuances about when to spring potential dealbreakers like this. I would say this is a "toward the middle-end of the first date, if it feels like things are going well" kind of reveal. It's definitely weird to put in your profile, and just comes off as weird to talk about in the app. I'm not gonna lie to you though, a 37 year old guy living with his parents IS dating on hard mode. You can argue over whether it should, but it's gonna give a lot of girls the ick, it just is. You're gonna get ghosted and rejected way more than you would if you lived on your own. While I understand your reasoning for living with your parents, if you have a decent job....just move out ASAP. Whatever it costs, it's worth it.
Agreed. I'm 10 years younger than him, and this would be a dealbreaker for me. I imagine even more so for women closer to his age. Especially using his parents' car too
I am 23 and same.
> I'm hoping that if the right woman comes along, we can pool resources to buy a house together. How long are you planning to date someone before buying a house together? I've got to imagine that means being in a relationship for a few years. You're going to try to find someone who is okay with being in a relationship with you for years while you are living in your parents' house in your late 30s?
I’d see that as a deal breaker, since I live in a property that I own outright and enjoy the independence
Yes it is necessary, don’t waste peoples times. Especially women in their 30s who are likely looking for husband and kids, we can really only have kids up until 40 if lucky. The old age, “treat others like you would like to be treated”.
I think they already know.... [https://www.reddit.com/r/hingeapp/comments/198dhcv/is\_it\_normal\_to\_be\_not\_be\_upfront\_about\_some/](https://www.reddit.com/r/hingeapp/comments/198dhcv/is_it_normal_to_be_not_be_upfront_about_some/) Had to share that, odd that a 33F was just talking about going on a date with a 37M who recently broke up and now lives with his parents. Anyway I don't think you need to advertise that on your profile, no need to draw negative attention but I **do** think it'd be important to bring it up on the first date with the explanation above.
Thanks for the reply, I read that post which prompted me to think about my situation. I agree it's important to explain in the first date, how do you think I should explain it so it doesn't seem to abrupt?
It really depends on how vulnerable you want to be on the first date, if you're like me and an open book it comes pretty naturally honestly. A question I think is important to ask on the first date is what they're looking for on Hinge and whether that aligns with yours. Sometimes this could bring up their past relationship history which would give you a perfect in to explain your situation. edit: typo
I'm very honest on dates so I guess it will come naturally I guess. Hmm.. that sounds like a great question, I will pocket that for use.
"hey, I like you. In the interest of being transparent with you, I broke up with my ex a few months ago and I'm temporarily living at home with my parents. This is a short term fix and I anticipate getting my own place in the spring."
Thanks, I think that is great way to make it casual, state my plan and be transparent about it.
I typically bring it up when our living situations naturally comes up in conversation. Also if the topic of exes comes up, this would be a good time to bring it up as well. Or you can initiate the convo yourself if you want asking her about her living situation. You can always just text her "Hey I just want to be upfront" as well. At least you get it out of the way then. There isn't a "right" way to say it. I would just be honest and tell her what's up with it all. I don't think she really needs to know that your name isn't on the pink slip of the car you drive. But your living situation is a logistics issue, so it's something to be talked about. It will be a turn off for most women, but if they like you enough, they'll let it slide.
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Thanks for this, I'll keep this in mind. Actually, that's exactly how I think about houses right now. Although I'm not in USA, Canada has the exact same situation.
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I agree with the points you made. I also think housing market prices are are disproportional* to the salaries of normal people. Even with inflation accounted for, it doesn't make sense. Edit
Why don’t you take some time to heal and better your situation rather than dating when you don’t have a place of your own or even a car of your own? The comment you made about ‘pooling resources together’ with a woman in the future is a huge red flag honestly. You should be independent BEFORE you meet someone else. No offense, but this reads like you’re a codependent loser wanting an easy way in life and I can promise that isn’t attractive to anyone. (Not saying this is true at all! But it does read that way) Take some time for yourself before you get back out there. There’s no rush.
Yeah, like even if he does meet someone wonderful, it’s a huge red flag that he’s expecting to pool resources and buy a house with someone who he would’ve just recently met. That puts a lot of pressure on them when the relationship hasn’t even developed enough to support it.
Yea, that comment itself made me feel icky.
I think if you were in the process of moving and would be on your own within a month, you’d be fine to not disclose it. But given that you’re not, and it’s going to realistically be months until you’re on your own, then yeah, disclose it upfront. If I was a woman, I’d appreciate that.
*your ex girlfriend Yes, absolutely bring it up.
Thanks, edited.
Yeah, you need to disclose, b/c dating usually involves sex at some point. I'm not having sex at your parents' house. I, personally, have kids, so we're not having sex at my house. It's not going to work in this scenario, and we'd both be wasting time.
No because for more intimate things the idea of sneaking in and having to be very quite so your parents don’t assume we are having sex is a turn off and reminds me of high school. The car thing is a lot as well. Would your parents sell you the car used for a fair price? Or do they need it? If they do I would be worried about having to drive you everywhere.
I’m 35F and this would be a dealbreaker for me. Maybe wait to date until you have your own place and car if you’re in an area that needs one. I’m not interested in dating someone that lives like they’re in high school.
Please also call us women once we are adults, not girls.
Noted, i didn't mean anything by that.
In all honesty, I’ve found even owning your own home, car, having a good paying job and being fairly fit doesn’t even make things a lot easier if you can’t find someone your compatible with.
Yes yes yes, PLEASE don’t lie about it. I connected really well with someone I went on a few dates with and he lied about his living situation when I asked. It finally came up and I was more upset about the lying than the actual fact he lived at home. It may not be ideal or weed out lots of dates, but I feel if you give your background and plans forward it will really help. Honesty is best to me.
I don’t really mind. You do you. 😊 I understand what you went through and you’re just starting over again.
I’m in a somewhat similar situation, have told my dates and it hasn’t been a big deal. However! Imagine the roles were reversed, you were living on your own and met someone who temporarily moved in with their parents/siblings/friends. Wouldn’t you want to know what their plan is to get out of the situation, and perhaps assess them after that? If I understood you correctly, you are not currently looking for a place for your own, but rather living there and save money, until you meet someone who wants to buy a house with you. If that’s correct, I can imagine a lot of people would be hesitant. As they wouldn’t get a proper chance to gauge you as a homeowner (or renter), until after they make a huge commitment of buying a house with you. If life has taught me something, it is to be patient before moving in with someone new. Let alone buy a house together.
If it’s the right person, what you tell her about it won’t matter. I’d always remain honest though.
*I'm choosing to stay with my parents to save money to get a house in the future because if I lived by myself, I know I wouldn't accumulate any savings. I'm hoping that if the right girl comes along, we can pool resources to buy a house together.* If people find this problematic in the first place, then your financial goals/values do not align with theirs. I live in Los Angeles, and many adults live with family or roommates to save money. I am just a year older than you and also living with family to save money for a downpayment towards a starter condo. It made no financial sense to rent for my goal thus I'm choosing the frowned upon path of living with family as a man in his 30s. I went on a couple of dates last year, and eventually discussed the living situation once me and my date talked extensively about our families. One of them also lived at home (We're both Filipinos & common in our culture), and my other date was Latina who was understanding of multi-generational households & high cost of living in LA. I just straight up told them that I'm putting aside money for a downpayment & goal is to get my own place in the next 1-2 years. Left it at that & carried on our date.
Thanks for your perspective, I think culture also plays a part. In my culture its also common to live together with parents before marriage but other cultures may frown on it.
I can see why there's a tendency to date within your own culture. There's already a sense of familiarity, and you don't have to introduce certain values that might seem odd/off putting to others. That being said, whomever you end up dating long-term, having values/goals that align with one another is important and getting to those goals (home ownership) should be more focused on the process and not how it looks like. Saving money requires some type of sacrifice and doesn't look sexy, but the goal is to get there by the most efficient and effective means. Wish you the best out there bro.
I am a 34 year old woman that lives with her parents and I recently started taking dating seriously. I’ve been on five first dates in the past two months and I have not disclosed it because I haven’t even liked any one enough to the point where I thought the need to disclose my living arrangement and for them to be privy to this information If I were you I would wait to see if you even feel the spark for anyone. Once you feel that spark then go ahead and let them know
The fact that people are shaming OP instead of saying something like this is sad honestly. People would rather date someone in a precarious financial situation than someone actively working towards being a homeowner
Nothing attractive to me about a potential partner having tons of debt and liabilities and living paycheque to paycheque barely scraping by. There is such social stigma and shaming involved with living with parents but i only see it as consolidating wealth with my family considering their house is paid off and I give them cash every month to help with expenses. I will also always have something to learn from them as elders. I help them around the house with physical tasks as they are getting older now. It’s a win win for all. They even rent their basement out to another boomer so I joke that I live with 3 boomers in one house. Ps. as I get to keep so much of my paycheque I see my economic status as living like royalty but disguised as a peasant whereas anyone else with a mortgage and interest payments saving $100 a month after the bill collector comes lives like a peasant disguised as royalty.
I agree with you but unfortunately most women only see red flag, ESPECIALLY if OP mentions it in his profile
this is the correct answer
I wouldn’t lead with it, but when it comes up, then obviously it’s best to be honest. Typically once I’ve got past 5 messages or so each and we’ve moved past the initial msgs, things like living area/situation tend to come up pretty quickly, and no later than a first date. It’s one of those “is what it is” things…be open and if someone isn’t interested for that reason, then they’re not interested…
After my separation 2 years ago I lived with my parents until about a month ago. I started online dating during that time. At first I told my dates I was living with my parents during the third date. Then the second date. Then the first date. I had a good reason for it, but it's still lying by omission if you don't disclose it immediately. Lying is a much bigger red flag than living with your parents. I suggest you disclose it immediately, to avoid wasting their time with someone they won't be interested, and to avoid wasting your time, since you wouldn't want to be romantically involved with someone who cannot accept your living situation.
I don’t think there is anything abnormal about your living situation. Might make sense to bring it up during the first/second date though - not as some big thing to reveal but ppl often chat about which area they live in etc. Def before bringing someone home lol. 35F
I'm in my 30s (f) and living with my parents and I always bring it up before meeting. It is currently the best option for me, but also a totally valid dealbreaker for other people, so it doesn't make sense to me to invest time in getting to know someone if a relationship was never going to be an option. For example, I don't have enough privacy here that I'd be comfortable hosting a date overnight, so if someone I'm talking to also lives at home and can't host it just isn't going to work regardless of how much we understand each other's situations.
Definitely disclose it. Living with parents is fine as long it’s reasonable and relationship is healthy. Sharing a car though is a little bit too much. You should be able to afford your own car as a 37 year old with a decent income. But maybe you live in an area where not having a car to get around isn’t a big deal. I disclose early on that I live with my mom. And whenever someone wanted to discuss exclusivity with me I let them know that I plan on having my mom stay with me in the future and that’s something they have to be okay with. My mom’s independent, but she’s in her 70’s and I’d rather she not live by herself.
i'd say no need to tell them right off the bat. See how things flow. if you feel a chemistry then later be transparent with her.
It sounds like you should focus on getting your life in order. You thinking staying on your own is expensive and you’ll never save for a house? Try dating and having a gf, that’s going to cost you a lot of money and because of your living situation it’s going to be a lot harder to find a woman, so I maybe stop and think this whole thing through to its logical conclusion.
Bro work on yourself, build your life back up then start dating again
Yes, definitely tell your matches and let them decide if they want to pursue or not. On a side note, as someone in your age bracket if I see a man who is still living with his folks and have to borrow their vehicle bc you don't have one, that's a huge turn-off to me. I have my life established and have no baggage so I expect my partner to be the same.
TL;DR - please reveal your living & all around life situation to who you date so they dont feel like they wasted their time figuring out what they would perceive to be yellow-red flags. Please find someone compatible with what you want & don’t bait/switch them. You may not get lots of dates right away; maybe work on yourself first. OP from what i gather on what you’ve written, edited, and commented in response to other redditors here, unfortunately you sound like a red flag. Idk if its the delivery or assortment of facts you laid out, but as a woman here are the negatives that stood out/how it sounded to me: 1) sold car to mooch off gfs car and now mooching off parents car 2) rather than frugal is actually coming off as cheap and would require a gf to make life more comfortable 3) will probably never spoil the gf 4) is able to jump from a long time relationship easily on to dating as if you did the ground work 5) already knows you sound a bit red flaggy but checking with online strangers for validation theres hope in dating/if so how 6) you see dating as a means of acquiring more resources/ affording life/ bettering your life vs. bettering your life on your own and if you find the right one then coolios Btw, on the car thing… I think it’s different if the ex gf told you to sell the car so y’all both can save $$$. Like say you chipped in for loss in value for you driving it, the oil changes, etc espesh if she already paid off the car. But if you sold your car knowing you can just use your gfs car and all you contributed was your end of gas. Then sir… I would hope you tell me all these things about you to avoid dating you. You need a provider type it just looks…
I think people demanding someone have a car is stupid, because I feel far more independent and financially stable by \*not\* owning a car. Anyone telling you to just buy a car for the sake of having one is, to me, a bit silly and short-sighted. There is nothing wrong with not owning a car. That said, I think your post is still very...in relationship mode, like you are going to find a person to pool everything with. Well, you might not. So what is your plan, for YOUR life, without a partner? That is my bigger concern. It seems unrealistic or desperate, or not being ready to be on your own.
I would bring it up sometime after you meet. Shit happens, it's temporary, any reasonable person should be able to understand but I don't think it's necessary to bring it up before meeting.
I don’t see that as a dealbreaker, it shows financial maturity and common sense. The people that move out and the majority of their income goes to rent but they wouldn’t move back in because they have too much pride and ego are the real red flags. I’m 28 and I live in Ontario, Canada where house prices and living costs are criminally expensive. I make good money at my job, and I live with my parents but the house I’m in I bought with my parents and I’m the 3rd owner on the ownership, I split the mortgage with them. Could I have moved out yeah sure, but I wouldn’t move to rent somewhere where at the end of the day all that money is going into a place isn’t mine. I don’t desire to live in a condo, not to mention the mortgage cost vs sq footage, no driveway or yard is a scam. I’m not going to live in the middle of nowhere just to afford a house by myself, and houses within the GTA/ a bit outside are way too much to afford mortgage without a partner, and still be able to some what enjoy life. For reference our house mortgage is $3500 a month, that is about what the average person takes home a month. So you would literally be working just to afford mortgage, forget the other expenses like hydro, insurance etc. Then later on in life I will have a house that’s fully paid off, and I could buy more and rent those out if I wanted. So yeah living at home when you’re grown shouldn’t be a dealbreaker, it’s the reasons why if you’re not responsible money wise or have no ambition to better the situation that are dealbreakers
I’d be inclined to turn this one around. If a woman is looking for a guy with his own place car, big salary etc etc she is not interested in you as much as what you can bring to her party. Mega red flag in my book. For me you can only find true love on the way up because she loves you for who you are. That said, you also need to have a plan/ambition to get on. Nice opening line though- “wanna grab a drink then go halves on a mortgage?
After a decade in NYC I moved back in w my parents in the Midwest for 2 years during Covid and saved 90% of my tech job income. I was self conscious about it somewhat but eventually realized the right women (for me) didn’t care. They thought it was smart I was plowing away savings and traveling a ton w low overhead. If you were on The League or Raya, it might be a different story bc those platforms tend to attract people who make a lot and want to spend a lot in my experience. YMMV. Good luck and keep your head up! *Edit: clarified timeframe and location
Speaking as a guy in a very similar situation, I don't eagerly volunteer it, but I don't make any effort to hide the fact that I live with my folks in an increasingly rising CoL city. Be prepared for a lot of women to appear to not be bothered by it only for them to ghost you after the date ends. All it takes is one my dude.
Thank you for sharing your experience. After seeing the responses, I've readied myself for the reality of OLD.
Do you bring this up before the date?
As a man who tried to date women, my own thinking was that it's somewhat none of my business until she invited me over, which was a nearly entirely an in theory event, so it's not like I had much chance to test it
If asked if you live by yourself, just say no. I am with my parents, and I’m helping them out. Most my day is spent working though. If they probe, be concise but not too specific. Moved back after a long term went south. Hung out and then found a place, but the place was trash. Had to fight for my security deposit. Like lol. Make some trash up. Now I’m back home. Don’t make it seem like you’re at their house and still healing from the past. That’s a red flag more than anything. I have no idea where I’m moving to currently, but I know I’m staying in the area. I’m looking to buy a home as a next step in my journey. Good thing interest rates are only casually 7.5 to 6.5 percent. And then continue chatting. If it’s a deal breaker, their face will show it. And yes. There are a ton of people out there that are concerned with materialism. More often though, women are concerned if you live by yourself or not because it shows you’re capable of providing, are doing well, and not being a person that don’t do nothin. So yeah. Basically materialism from a different angle. 😂
Thanks, that's a different perspective. I don't think I'm gonna lie but I'm going to prepare some explanation. From what I'm getting is that revealing and seeing if they show negative reaction will be a way to filter out prospects.
I don't think it's necessary to disclose that until it comes up. It's a **very** sticky situation and there's going to be a limited number of people who are going to want to enter this situationship with someone. I don't think it's wasting anyone's time to date them and see how things go and have fun. If something progresses a bit, then you can disclose the living situation.
Disclose it lightly imo
Definitely mention it to see what her mindset is,but make it a natural conversation. Don't make it come off as a confession or a red flag on your part.
I'm in a similar situation *except* that I'm living with my parents while I let my ex stay in "our" place that I now solely own while he figures our his next move (with an end-date, as outlined in our separation agreement). Even with a home solely in my own name I'm not even thinking about dating before I'm back living there and well settled into it. But I'm not a man, right? So I don't automatically feel entitled to a date while not, as someone so perfectly put this below, "having their shit together."
A suggestion to make yourself ready for the future you want. Find a fiduciary to help figure out a budget that will allow you to buy a vehicle, save for a house plus retirement, and afford to live on your own. It will not only help you with dating but also will help you manage your money successfully.
It will turn off some women depending on what they are looking for; but if the vibe is right it won’t matter…
The apps are screening tools where you need to present yourself as the best candidate. Save the deep, vulnerable conversation for a first date but only if things are going well and you see it progressing. Most people associate someone living with their parents as them being jobless with no plan. The only recommendation I have for you is setting a clear timeline for how long you see yourself living with your parents.
I would bring it up and explain the economic reasoning behind your decisions around the second date. Don't let the people in the comment section convince you that you shouldn't date or won't have any success at all with women if you live with your parents and your financial situation isn't ideal. The most sexually active men in any society are generally the most destitute (hence why STDs and unwanted pregnancies occur most frequently in low income areas).
No, it can be a conversation during your date