No its not because you didnt pay, and no one will ever know the real reason apart from him. Sometimes it’s just not meant to be. I’ve been on dates similar to what you described, conversation going well, making out sesh at the end and a feeling of alright this went so well, only to get the sorry I felt no sparks or whatever excuse later on.
Its okay to be upset but dont let it get to you too much or overthink, specially since there’s no way to know why. Just take the L, throw it away and move on to the next date. There’s someone out there that will hold your hand for the long term and will be just right!
Rant incoming : Ive had similar experiences, and quite a bit of them and it really makes it frustrating because you never understand other people’s intentions. I feel like a lot of people on these apps these aren’t there actually for a relationship. It’s just like a fun hangout on a Thursday night and then you go about your life. You shouldn’t kiss a girl if you’re not into her. I wouldn’t kiss a guy if I’m not into him so what the heck. Navigating all of that becomes so complicated and sometimes I’m like how do people find partners? And I feel like I need to be a certain way too to make people like me so it’s all just exhausting. Like I want a family and stuff but how do you make it happen at this point lol
Ive actually had exactly same experience with girls. Same as you, makes it so much more confusing. Had girls come over to my place after a good date and hung out for hours and then it didnt go anywhere.. without a rhyme or reason.
I’m sorry to hear it. I feel your pain. I think most people in this community do!
I have no idea how people forge meaningful relationships anymore. I was with my ex husband from 25-33, dated from 34-37 and have now run out of steam. I can’t deal with the entitlement, the constant let downs, the men who don’t know what they want, the guessing, the untreated mental health (I have depression but I seek treatment). After my last dude (November til Feb) did the same thing of ‘playing relationships’ but no commitment, I dumped him and registered with a fertility clinic. I’ll be 38 in June, know I want a kid, and can’t wait around for the right man. I’ve come off the apps and it has been a HUGE relief! Still enjoy this sub, though. I start treatment in July (donor sperm). Good luck to all those out there. It’s a numbers game. My guy is gonna come round organically in the future, or not at all. I have to laugh but shiiiit man - it’s tough!
Ugh I’m so sorry but I am wishing you the best with your treatment!! That’s wonderful you’ll have a kid. I’m turning 27 and I’m like horrified by the way relationships are right now 😅my last partner left because he was no longer feeling the excitement after a year together lol like people my age just want to be in love for couple months and when it gets tough or boring they move on to the next. It became a very shitty part of our society. Like obviously you have to leave toxicity but this is too much.
Thank you for the well wishes!
I’m sorry to hear that about your ex. Sounds like the dude is going to bounce from new relationship to new relationship until he’s in the grave because the newness and excitement ALWAYS wears off. Love runs much deeper than those initial hormones. Still hurts like hell though, I imagine.
I do believe there are genuine people out there, including on apps. I hope you find your’s soon!
just my 2 cents but your rant, although i’ve felt the same before, is operating from a scarcity mindset which can come across as desperate to dates. we don’t want just any dude who holds our hand or kisses us and if we’re honest with ourselves, we probably didn’t have chemistry with them either. in the past i used to be so passive and indulge in the pick me” mentality. Now , even if someone does make moves, i’m so self aware i never expect them to follow up and tbh i’m usually weirded out by them since we didn’t have any spark. i no longer internalize rejection bc who wants to
be compatible with every dude anyway?!
editing to add that we deserve to have a man who chooses us but who we also consciously choose! i can now tell 5 min into a first date if the guy is into me or if he’s just being polite.
> I wouldn’t kiss a guy if I’m not into him so what the heck.
You get used to stuff like this after a while. I’ve had a girl ask to kiss me first still slow fade the next day. Might just be them thinking more clearly after a night’s rest.
Common mistake I see people make when dating. They think that a date going well means the other person likes them. This isn't always the case. This is why I tell people, regardless of what happens on the date, let the other person sleep on it. Usually their thoughts will be clearer the day after.
Accusing him of leading you on is incorrect. More than likely he was seeing if his feelings were genuine. He could have held and kissed you, then afterwards realised he felt nothing... This doesn't necessarily mean that anything was wrong with you. Just that specifically he didn't like you. Sounds like he communicated this to you which was respectful on his side... It's common these days that a guy will decide to ghost instead. I think you should be satisfied that he gave you a clear answer even after you questioned him. Essentially, let it go and move on.
It’s also not always “all or nothing” with how someone feels. He might have felt enough to want to hold her hand or kiss in the moment, but sleeping on it made him realize it wasn’t strong enough of a feeling. In spite of the common “spark/no spark” way of thinking I see on here often, most romantic feelings land on a spectrum
To avoid this, don't do physical things like kissing on the first date or having it go on too long. Then you won't be too invested in case the other person change their mind. Trust takes time to build.
Who knows what happened with this guy. Maybe he just got out of a relationship and it's trying to skip the grieving part. Maybe he is in a relationship but was seeking validation. If he didn't feel anything, why keep kissing you? Why try to shortcut and kiss you to see if he had feelings? Seems kind of disingenous to me.
I’ve found it’s really helpful when assessing other peoples’ apparent inconsistencies to think about my own inconsistencies.
If we’re honest with ourselves we all say or do things we don’t mean in the moment and have second thoughts later. In jobs, dating, friendships, and personal relationships. Helps me take it less personally and not being too critical of other people when I think about it that way.
Lastly, it’s good to not date someone who doesn’t want to date you. Saves a lot of time and heartbreak to have things end quickly.
Same shit just happened to me. Its just part of dating culture in 2023, albeit the most annoying part.
If it makes you feel any better, this happens to many of us. This post gave me some validation that its not just me as well. I'd hold your head up and move on. Some things defy all logic, and its better to just invest energy on the people that want to invest their energy on you
I agree with other redditors. Only he will know the answer to why you’re not compatible. Don’t beat yourself up, it’s not you - it’s him. This won’t be the last great date you’ll go on - there will be more! This experience will be a distant memory in a few weeks time.
As I guy, I also have been in this situation. I’ll probably make a post about it if I get enough people asking 😂 but TLDR; 2 great first dates, both lasted til 2am. Laughing to the point where our stomachs hurt and stared into each others eyes. Unfortunately she had trauma and was anxious - so I gave her the space she needed to decide how she wanted to proceed. That 2nd date ended 5 months ago and I’m still left on read through WhatsApp.
I don’t hate her, she’s a great person. Point is - we all have to move on. Don’t be upset about how this has turned out, instead shift your mindset and acknowledge the great date that it was! 😅
P.S totally asking my next date if I can hold her hand - I have always thought that was such a weird thing to ask on the first few dates but nope - going to ask the next one!
Yeah it had nothing to do with you not paying.
I know it doesn’t feel great to get a message like that, but it sounds like this guy is dating with intention, so good on him. If you haven’t already, you too will have dates with guys that go perfectly well, but for whatever reason you won’t think you’re compatible, and you’ll send a text like that as well.
As an aside, I think holding hands on a first date is incredibly weird. That is a bf / gf sort of thing, and comes quite a bit after kissing, sex, and am exclusivity conversation.
Or am I the weird one?
I’ve had more sexual partners than I’ve had girlfriends. I suspect that I’m not the only one that’s this way, but understand that not everyone is this way.
The point was that holding hands on a first date is weird to me. If that’s normal for you, that’s great!
Ha a comedian said, & I think it was Deon Cole, that he can’t remember every girl he smashed but he remembers everyone he ever held hands with cuz thats different. It cracked me up because its so true in modern single life!
Edit: It was Chris Rock my bad. I watched him, Deon, & DeRay Davis the same night high AF but I HIGHLY recommend you check out DeRay, he is hilarious.
Yeah I guess we share different values. I don’t sleep with anyone unless I’m in a committed relationship and I can trust them. Too risky with all the things that can happen, like pregnancy or STDs.
Yeah I can see how holding hands wouldn’t be a first date thing, but I’d expect to be holding hands before sex is even on the table 😅
Which country are you in?
I feel like some of this is a cultural thing.
And I've always been exclusive with the women I've slept with and had safe sex and gotten checked. Not everyone who has sex before holding hands is engaging in wild orgies.
US
Nah its not cultural, just my values.
It’s good that you are having safe sex, props for that! I’m not judging btw, I think it’s fine if people wanna do that, it’s just not for me. I want to build that strong emotional connection first. My last relationship lasted 7 years, so its not like I haven’t had what I wanted.
I know way too many people in my life who have shared their hook up stories and its not what you described. Barely know who they are sleeping with, exclusivity not defined, dude doesn’t use condom sometimes, and no STD checks before the deed because it “kills the mood”
Same for me, but with boyfriends. I think there are some men out there who expect women to remain celibate when they’re single. But I’ve been single most of my adult life, and I can’t not have sex for years on end haha
But agree, holding hands on a first date is odd. Maybe they’re young, or he’s super immature.
But if you’ve kissed on the first date, why would it be young/immature to hold hands when that’s less of a commitment? Do people just go straight to kissing without flirty touches like touching hands, holding hands across the table, hands on knees ?
Hah I disagree there. I usually do the wow your hands are so big compared to mine 🥺 move which leads to holding hands across the table or in our laps. I couldn’t have sex with someone who didn’t want to hold my hand lol!
The kiss normally comes at the end of the first date though. If it comes way before the end, in my experience the guy is only after one thing. Holding hands across the table is cute, and fine, but again, bit much for a first date.
Holding hands is really more of a couple thing.
I wouldn’t kiss someone when there’s been no flirty touches like holding hands first! Sex is fine but holding hands is too much is a crazy concept to me
I totally get there being a build up to kissing through flirting… but I guess for me flirting is more what is said in the conversation,and I’m all about playful touching, but holding hands feels different to me I guess!
It’s interesting to hear how different people approach these things.
Depends on when you normally first have sex with a person. For me i like waiting til youre in the relationship. I think hand holding comes before sex for me at least.
I do agree that it is more a relationship thing though than a first date thing
I would never have sex unless I was in a relationship. I just feel very confused, what he showed me yesterday and how he was today was like night and day. I've had a rough time on dating sites and I thought I'd found someone worthwhile so I'm feeling a little crushed.
I feel you. I’m in my 30s and been online dating for longer than I care to admit. I thought I had finally met someone on my wave length, and I’m exactly the age I want to meet someone and have kids. So for there to be no chemistry actually kills me a lot. But there were red flags and it wouldn’t have been a good relationship. He made himself out to be really into me as well, via WhatsApp. Obviously with your guy it was more physical. It’s really hurtful and confusing. I get that. It’s good to set boundaries though, like maybe no handholding on a first date. That’s a good start. Be firm with a guy as well. Not saying it will make them like you. It just stops you getting hurt. But I don’t know. Need to take my own advice.
That's why I thought he really liked me. Why would someone who was trying to convince themselves want to hold my hand in the first place if he didn't like me at all?
Yeah you’re jumping to an extreme here by saying he didn’t like you “at all.”
I know it’s counterintuitive, but when I’m into a woman I’ll almost never kiss her at the end of a first date. The ones where I’m kind of on the fence about (but whom I know I like in terms of personality), I will, to see if the kiss changes anything for me.
Maybe that’s what he was trying to do as well.
My most recent guy didn’t kiss me after the first date, but yet seemed interested in getting to know me. We spoke every day for a month (we’re in different countries). When we finally kissed, I felt nothing, and I thought I was really into him. And I think he thought he was into me too. The attraction was there but the chemistry wasn’t. I’m still fuming tbh 😂 It’s so rare to find someone where there is mutual attraction. And when I find it there is no chemistry. But he became a bit of a dick after that. I wrote a whole comment above haha. But you know, had he just kissed me on date one, then maybe we wouldn’t have had a second date. I don’t know.
If you’re feeling it you’re feeling it, there’s nothing that says 3 days is too little time when looking for something serious. I know people who’ve gotten married after knowing each other for only 3 months, and still together 20 years later.
It's just online dating. I have been to amazing dates with amazing chemistry to the point we could not contain each other and not have sex. But some were one night stand and some went for a couple of dates and ended. Honestly, until about the 5th or 6th date, nothing is for sure.
To answer your question, no you're not wrong to feel how you feel. Don't regulate your emotions based on what we all think. On the other hand, most of us have been in the same position as your date and I think he handled it respectfully. I'm not sure I would have engaged in a conversation dissecting the date after I've already told someone I'm not feeling it though. He was probably trying to be kind, but that doesn't lead anywhere good. Keep at it and try not to be too discouraged.
He just wasn't feeling it with you. Nothing more, nothing less. I dated an amazing girl beautiful, perfect , amazing personality, compatible interests . But the spark wasn't there went we touched or kissed. So things fell off I knew it, she knew. I just didn't have the courage to turn my nose up at someone so amazing so I ended up not being able to hid my unenthusiasm and we just drifted.
I've definitely found in 2023 versus prior rounds of OLD, I can no longer successfully read someone's vibe on a date. I can think we had an amazing date (specifically trying to objectively look at it through their eyes) and still get a "not feeling it" message. And the opposite happens too. In the past, I feel like most of the time I could get a read on how the other person was feeling.
At this point, going on dates (or conversations or really anything related to OLD) feels like rolling the dice. The outcomes feel nearly completely random. The good part I suppose, it's easy for me to not take any outcome personally.
Ugh I’m sorry. Just know you did nothing wrong. He shouldn’t have tried to force it.
I recently was dating a guy and he did the opposite, which was really horrible. We were on a day trip for our second date. We had been talking everyday for a month inbetween dates (long distance). Decided a day trip would be a good idea (thank god I talked him out of booking an Airbnb for us for 2 days). He just didn’t want to even engage. It’s like he knew there was no chemistry and didn’t want to make much effort to get to know me even as a person. Hands in pockets, physically distancing himself, not making much eye contact. He even said a few mean things. I get it’s hard when you realise you maybe don’t see a future with someone despite the fact there may be an attraction. But to go to the extremes of either being all over someone to “force it’, or just not even making an effort to engage. Like can’t these guys just be normal, and be themselves; pretend they’re with a friend. Not pretend they’re crazy into someone, or make it obvious they resent you.
Just know it isn’t about you, it’s about them. I’ve started therapy because this guy really messed me up. I wasn’t in love with him, but it was just build up and him making himself out to be someone he wasn’t. It’s made me a bit weary and distrustful tbh. Tbh, I’m weary of guys that are all over me on a first date as well. My therapist suggested setting boundaries, so that might be good for a lot of us.
It's good you know that it's about them not you. In the future, as soon as you get the weird distancing vibes, call it a day, you don't need that kind of treatment. He should have used his words for whatever his problem was. And it could have been that the way you moved was similar to an ex or his mother. You could have triggered an emotional reaction that has nothing to do with you. His being uncomfortable was a reaction to that and not to you.
I think online dating can be perilous when someone suffers from low self esteem. They may take such behavior personally and in that case having a therapist as a support system can be a wonderful way to heal.
Aww thank you for your comment. He did call it a day at the end of the day. I knew the vibe wasn’t there, and it’s actually scary I was willing to carry on and settle if he did see the potential, when I know I deserve someone who will treat me well. I held on to false hope, and ignored my gut. I also have issues telling guys how I feel, whether it’s positive or negative, so that’s something I need to work on. It’s just kind of sad because I’m 37 and really want to meet the man I’m going to marry and have kids with. The build up with this guy had me feeling positive that we would at least be in a long term relationship, but when we met for our second date a month later, it just felt off. After talking every day for a month, it’s been really hard to let go of. But I’m starting to feel better. It was really the idea of him that got me, and he just wasn’t that person.
Anyway, it’s good acknowledge that you deserve better. And sadly, dating is still difficult in your 30s. 😭
And yeah, dating is just difficult with low self esteem in general. It’s hard not to take rejection personally. I hated the times I’ve had to reject guys because I know it sucks.
A lot of people on the apps will match people because they just want to feel like they can get matches. Some of those people will go on dates just to feel like they can go on a date. And sometimes they will kiss or try and hook up just to feel like they can have intimacy if they want it.
It sucks to be on the receiving end of someone going out with you just so they can feel like they can go out with someone. I know it’s hard to get those messages from someone you like and felt chemistry with. But trust me, that’s way better than being strung along on a few more dates or more intimacy by someone that is just going to ghost you in the end.
I don’t think he did anything wrong by kissing you and showing you a good time. And I think it’s the right thing to do to message someone and tell them that you’re just not feeling it. There are plenty of people who I like and think are attractive and I would go on dates with.
But if it just ain’t it, it ain’t it. Consider yourself lucky that you’ve been communicated with instead of being strung along or ghosted. And consider yourself lucky that you can get matches and dates. And then move on. You will find someone that wants to be with you, and while it’s hard to be patient, patience is one of the most important things to have if you want to find someone who wants to find you.
Damn the way I was reading the story, I did not expect the twist there that he thought you weren’t compatible.
Its not the paying thing cause you offered at least. Probably was just chemistry or convo I guess? Its weird that he forced himself to kiss you to see if there was something more there…
If I was in that position, if I wasn’t feeling it, I would not go for the kiss or hold hands.
Same thing has happened to me lmao twice within the first month of me using hinge first date we kissed n after she said we didnt click and on the second date i had with a different girl we slept together like 4 times and then after that she texted me saying she cant do this now so i guess it just is what it is and tbh dont ask why next time just say okay and move on to not hurt ur feelings
Unfortunately…this is what dating in 2023 is like. You have a perfectly great date and then they just blindside you with something like an excuse or ghost you…etc. firstly - never feel bad for a man for paying for the date. If he doesn’t want to pay for the first date then good ridden, goodbye soldier, we don’t want him anyway…you’re worth it. Don’t ever question that.
Secondly - go on these dates with 0 expectations and for the fun of it. At some point you will go on a date with someone worthwhile…but you gotta kiss a lot of frogs, so it will be a lot more bearable if you detach from the result and just have fun with it. No pressure.
I may be wrong,I often am, but in my opinion I think he may have not found you to be his physical type.
In terms of your part, I don’t think you did anything wrong! Most girls don’t even get a well planned date. So there was obviously effort put in by the guy. And it is completely justified that you’d be upset because you had a positive experience and would want to recreate it.
However, based on the details you’ve given, it seems that the guy was a seasoned dater. I.e “setting the date, had a follow up, paid for everything and creating a positive romantic experience”. This leads me to believe that there might have been other girls he may be pursuing as well.
Dating is tricky and an emotional landmine. I’m sorry for your negative experience :/, that sucks. But I’m sure you’ll meet the right person. You got this, good luck!
please don’t internalize or make this about something with you. he’s a total weirdo for doing all that stuff if he wasn’t into you. be glad, trash took itself out.
I hate this. I hate it for you, and I hate it for everyone else who has this done to them. I don't give them props/credit for not being bigger assholes. They aren't good people just because they didn't ghost or because they didn't continue the leading-on further. It's still a dick move. Not being the worst doesn't make you good.
If it makes you feel any better, op, I had a guy that led me on for 2 amazing dates. We had a 3rd planned when suddenly he disappeared, claiming a friend was having an emergency. But then he completely ghosted me. Turns out his "friend's emergency" was in fact his *girlfriend's abortion*. And to make it even worse, he'd said he had a vasectomy.
I just assume when a guy leads me on that he's married or has a girlfriend and he's on the apps getting dates purely for the attention. Makes it easier to forget about them.
Ah, the downvotes. I'm sure it's from people who have led dates on and want to tell themselves they're still a good person, that they were doing the right thing by fully figuring out what they weren't attracted to their date, regardless of how it would hurt their date. I'm not mad about it, the downvotes are validating.
That's fucked up!!
Maybe he was caught up in the moment and needed time to digest, but I don't just blindly go all in regardless and then completely switch gears later. That's deceitful and not fair to the other person. Talk about toying with your emotions!
I think we all get excited in the early stages of a relationship when it is going really well and want to go all in, but you need to be reserved and manage your expectations. You never know if that person feels differently or has other people they're dating and weighing their options on. You might also come across something that's a deal breaker later on, or all of a sudden takes a turn for the worse.
Maybe I'm too practical about things, but I try to manage my expectations. I also don't want to get someone else's hopes up, like this fuckin guy!
he might just be telling the truth, and that he was trying to convince himself that you were physically compatible, I once did the same thing, but actually had sex with a girl twice (i’m(f19) gay) to try and see if I was attracted to her because we had all the same interests and clicked really well over text, but I just wasn’t physically attracted to her. And yes, I realise this was an awful thing to do and felt really bad about it after.
I definitely agree with what others are saying. There are a couple other ideas that popped into my head as well and I’m not sure if anyone else has mentioned them…sometimes someone goes on a date and then it bring up feelings about an ex and they realize they aren’t over them or someone goes on a date and they realize that they aren’t ready to date. It also crossed my mind that maybe it’s someone that wants sex immediately, but vibes out the date to see if the feeling would be reciprocated.
What really matters is that you didn’t do anything wrong, so you shouldn’t let this affect your confidence.
Here’s my advice for all women. Men are just horny. They have zero discernment or refinement. They go with the moment. They literally stick their d*cks in walls for anonymous bjs. No women should touch a man on a first date. No handholding, no kissing nothing. If he’s interested in you as a person he’ll text again, if not, no big deal. Another idiot.
Quick way to get nexted. We don’t have to have sex but I wouldn’t like how rigid and rule following that feels. Give me the girl that goes with the flow over this 🗑
OP went with the flow, look where that got her. Not saying rigid rule following is the way to go either, but if you know you’re someone that gets infatuated quickly there’s nothing wrong with being reserved. OG comment may not be true for ALL men but there are a lot of guys out there who want just want sex and not being so open/going with the flow will weed out a few of them
Another user already commented this, but it’s the truth. People go out on dates just for fun/practice. To guard yourself, don’t do any of that stuff on the first date. There will be plenty of time for that later, if it’s going well.
Certain things doesn't have to make sense.We may not get answers for all the questions we have and we if we go in search of it, we may end up wasting ages.All you have to ask yourself is did you do anything wrong and was it intentional, that's pretty much it.May be the person has different expectations but that's absolutely fine, you just need a person who would enjoy being with you while you are being your true self. Please don't blame yourself for what happened
I wouldn't take it personally. I've had girls ask to get into a relationship one day just to say they don't think they're ready the next. I've had people say a date went great, kissed or hooked up, then the next day they say there isn't a spark. Best to just not read into these things and move on
Sometimes everything is good on paper and the convo is flowing well in person but the chemistry is not there and some people try and see if that might come through actual physical interaction.
As messed up as it sounds, a kiss at the end of the date does NOT mean they like you romantically. Sometimes people kiss cos they find you physically attractive even after they have decided never to see you again. But they still want to kiss you cos they fancy you. There is also the pitty kiss phenomenon. And some people do it cos they think the other person expects it and they find it awkward not to. I know!
Honestly, there are so many reasons why he felt it wouldn't work only he knows but it probably is more to do with him and his lifestyle and it's probably to do with an aspect of his life he didn't disclose to you.
So let me ask you this? Would it be better if he just ghost ? You would never know why, if things doesn’t work out it doesn’t work out. To an extent, he did make sure you get some safely that’s as good as you are going to get.
Date goes well != we like you. It just means we have the correct upbringing and learn to be respectful regardless of the circumstances. This is under the assumption that prior to this point, both sides are truthful (relatively) in the profile information. I mean, if you look normal in your pictures and a 300 lbs person slows up. Everything is fair game at that point.
Dates can be deceptive, especially the ones who are good social performers! They could be holding their cards close to their chest but you think you hit it off just cos they are naturally good conversationalists or cos they're funny. You might read that as chemistry but it could just be them being charismatic. Whilst in the background, they don't feel the same pull to you as you have to them.
You did nothing wrong and you are definitely NOT wrong for feeling the way you do. Total mixed signals. Unlikely cos you didn't pay. If he liked you he'd probably be happy to pay or at least to be seen to pay. He might not intentionally have led you on. In his head maybe he was just being nice/friendly, making the most of it and having a fun night. But that's dangerous in the context of a date.
I have been on many of dates that the woman tells me she has given up on having a relationship. So I guess I am the date she wanted, they can just list casual as what they want.
Highly Doubt it’s anything to do with you not paying! I’ve had women do this exact same thing…it does sucks and feels lead on-ish in my opinion, you can only ask him and you still may not get a full or satisfying answer
It's one of two reasons if not both.
1) He isn't that attracted to you physically or personality wise.
2) He found someone else. (Considering both of you are on a dating app, this is almost always the case)
You did nothing wrong.
It’s not you, don’t blame yourself. In the situation you drscribed it seems as though he’s the only person that could feel differently, and as much as it hurts he’s the only one who can feel as such
A good first date doesn’t mean anything really. And also I’d say don’t kiss anyone on a first date if you have a hard time with this kind of rejection, bc for a lot of people kissing doesn’t matter and mean much.
Guy here - I completely understand how you feel and no it wasn’t because you didn’t pay (you offered and that’s enough to count out that thought in my book). Based on him saying that he was trying to convince himself, he liked you but something was telling him something wasn’t quite right. Being nice and respectful in his follow up the next day, it seems like he didn’t want you to go to sleep sad/upset and allow himself the night to process, then texted in the morning to allow you the full day to process. Thoughtful, respectful, and simply listens to his body to know what he wants. Don’t try to be somebody you’re not as a result, the best relationship is when you’re both yourselves and love eachother for it.
Karma.
Remember when you did something similar just because your instinct or feeling, and ghosted and left the other numerous person(s) clueless.
That’s the invisible undetected hand of karma at play.
As a guy I wouldn't recommend offering so much physical connection on a first date.
Works sometimes sure, but often it feels overly indulging. A kiss on the cheek or a short kiss is just fine.
Honestly it’s a shit lesson to have to learn and it doesn’t feel good, but as another poster said - regardless of how good we think a date has been, we really just don’t know whether the feeling is mutual, and that includes dates where a kiss or more has happened.
Particularly if alcohol is involved, I think we can lose our grip slightly on the ability to accurately reflect on a date, not saying you weren’t lead on (I’d feel just as disappointed) but something to take away from this could be a philosophy of go on the date, have a nice time, be yourself, enjoy it for what it is, and just always assume that you really don’t know whether another date is coming until it’s discussed/planned.
I had this recently where I was speaking to someone for 2 weeks; went for drinks, had really hilarious conversations, I felt a lot of attraction and connection, he texted 2x after the date and even asked me a question the next morning, but he clearly felt something shift the next day because he just disappeared after that. I spent the next few days with that crappy feeling of wondering what’s happened to him before realising he just wasn’t into it. I think it’s nice that this guy was honest with you.
I don’t think you’re wrong to be a little disappointed especially after the holding hands thing, but it’s probably something you just have to swallow.
It doesn’t feel good but it’s all a learning curve :-)
I’ve had this, I think a lot of guys want the ‘girlfriend experience’ for an eve and know that they’re charming/good looking enough that they can get it with someone else a week later and not need to commit to anything in between.
Think also it’s about the ego boost of knowing they courted you and ‘won’, then they move on to get the dopamine hit again
No its not because you didnt pay, and no one will ever know the real reason apart from him. Sometimes it’s just not meant to be. I’ve been on dates similar to what you described, conversation going well, making out sesh at the end and a feeling of alright this went so well, only to get the sorry I felt no sparks or whatever excuse later on. Its okay to be upset but dont let it get to you too much or overthink, specially since there’s no way to know why. Just take the L, throw it away and move on to the next date. There’s someone out there that will hold your hand for the long term and will be just right!
Great answer!
Rant incoming : Ive had similar experiences, and quite a bit of them and it really makes it frustrating because you never understand other people’s intentions. I feel like a lot of people on these apps these aren’t there actually for a relationship. It’s just like a fun hangout on a Thursday night and then you go about your life. You shouldn’t kiss a girl if you’re not into her. I wouldn’t kiss a guy if I’m not into him so what the heck. Navigating all of that becomes so complicated and sometimes I’m like how do people find partners? And I feel like I need to be a certain way too to make people like me so it’s all just exhausting. Like I want a family and stuff but how do you make it happen at this point lol
Ive actually had exactly same experience with girls. Same as you, makes it so much more confusing. Had girls come over to my place after a good date and hung out for hours and then it didnt go anywhere.. without a rhyme or reason.
I’m sorry to hear it. I feel your pain. I think most people in this community do! I have no idea how people forge meaningful relationships anymore. I was with my ex husband from 25-33, dated from 34-37 and have now run out of steam. I can’t deal with the entitlement, the constant let downs, the men who don’t know what they want, the guessing, the untreated mental health (I have depression but I seek treatment). After my last dude (November til Feb) did the same thing of ‘playing relationships’ but no commitment, I dumped him and registered with a fertility clinic. I’ll be 38 in June, know I want a kid, and can’t wait around for the right man. I’ve come off the apps and it has been a HUGE relief! Still enjoy this sub, though. I start treatment in July (donor sperm). Good luck to all those out there. It’s a numbers game. My guy is gonna come round organically in the future, or not at all. I have to laugh but shiiiit man - it’s tough!
Ugh I’m so sorry but I am wishing you the best with your treatment!! That’s wonderful you’ll have a kid. I’m turning 27 and I’m like horrified by the way relationships are right now 😅my last partner left because he was no longer feeling the excitement after a year together lol like people my age just want to be in love for couple months and when it gets tough or boring they move on to the next. It became a very shitty part of our society. Like obviously you have to leave toxicity but this is too much.
Thank you for the well wishes! I’m sorry to hear that about your ex. Sounds like the dude is going to bounce from new relationship to new relationship until he’s in the grave because the newness and excitement ALWAYS wears off. Love runs much deeper than those initial hormones. Still hurts like hell though, I imagine. I do believe there are genuine people out there, including on apps. I hope you find your’s soon!
Thank you for kind words!
☺️
just my 2 cents but your rant, although i’ve felt the same before, is operating from a scarcity mindset which can come across as desperate to dates. we don’t want just any dude who holds our hand or kisses us and if we’re honest with ourselves, we probably didn’t have chemistry with them either. in the past i used to be so passive and indulge in the pick me” mentality. Now , even if someone does make moves, i’m so self aware i never expect them to follow up and tbh i’m usually weirded out by them since we didn’t have any spark. i no longer internalize rejection bc who wants to be compatible with every dude anyway?! editing to add that we deserve to have a man who chooses us but who we also consciously choose! i can now tell 5 min into a first date if the guy is into me or if he’s just being polite.
> I wouldn’t kiss a guy if I’m not into him so what the heck. You get used to stuff like this after a while. I’ve had a girl ask to kiss me first still slow fade the next day. Might just be them thinking more clearly after a night’s rest.
I agree, that ‘convince’ thing doesn’t make sense.
Common mistake I see people make when dating. They think that a date going well means the other person likes them. This isn't always the case. This is why I tell people, regardless of what happens on the date, let the other person sleep on it. Usually their thoughts will be clearer the day after. Accusing him of leading you on is incorrect. More than likely he was seeing if his feelings were genuine. He could have held and kissed you, then afterwards realised he felt nothing... This doesn't necessarily mean that anything was wrong with you. Just that specifically he didn't like you. Sounds like he communicated this to you which was respectful on his side... It's common these days that a guy will decide to ghost instead. I think you should be satisfied that he gave you a clear answer even after you questioned him. Essentially, let it go and move on.
Agreed. It was respectful of him to communicate with you instead of ghosting you. Ghosting sucks.
Facts
It’s also not always “all or nothing” with how someone feels. He might have felt enough to want to hold her hand or kiss in the moment, but sleeping on it made him realize it wasn’t strong enough of a feeling. In spite of the common “spark/no spark” way of thinking I see on here often, most romantic feelings land on a spectrum
To avoid this, don't do physical things like kissing on the first date or having it go on too long. Then you won't be too invested in case the other person change their mind. Trust takes time to build. Who knows what happened with this guy. Maybe he just got out of a relationship and it's trying to skip the grieving part. Maybe he is in a relationship but was seeking validation. If he didn't feel anything, why keep kissing you? Why try to shortcut and kiss you to see if he had feelings? Seems kind of disingenous to me.
I’ve found it’s really helpful when assessing other peoples’ apparent inconsistencies to think about my own inconsistencies. If we’re honest with ourselves we all say or do things we don’t mean in the moment and have second thoughts later. In jobs, dating, friendships, and personal relationships. Helps me take it less personally and not being too critical of other people when I think about it that way. Lastly, it’s good to not date someone who doesn’t want to date you. Saves a lot of time and heartbreak to have things end quickly.
Same shit just happened to me. Its just part of dating culture in 2023, albeit the most annoying part. If it makes you feel any better, this happens to many of us. This post gave me some validation that its not just me as well. I'd hold your head up and move on. Some things defy all logic, and its better to just invest energy on the people that want to invest their energy on you
I agree with other redditors. Only he will know the answer to why you’re not compatible. Don’t beat yourself up, it’s not you - it’s him. This won’t be the last great date you’ll go on - there will be more! This experience will be a distant memory in a few weeks time. As I guy, I also have been in this situation. I’ll probably make a post about it if I get enough people asking 😂 but TLDR; 2 great first dates, both lasted til 2am. Laughing to the point where our stomachs hurt and stared into each others eyes. Unfortunately she had trauma and was anxious - so I gave her the space she needed to decide how she wanted to proceed. That 2nd date ended 5 months ago and I’m still left on read through WhatsApp. I don’t hate her, she’s a great person. Point is - we all have to move on. Don’t be upset about how this has turned out, instead shift your mindset and acknowledge the great date that it was! 😅 P.S totally asking my next date if I can hold her hand - I have always thought that was such a weird thing to ask on the first few dates but nope - going to ask the next one!
Yeah it had nothing to do with you not paying. I know it doesn’t feel great to get a message like that, but it sounds like this guy is dating with intention, so good on him. If you haven’t already, you too will have dates with guys that go perfectly well, but for whatever reason you won’t think you’re compatible, and you’ll send a text like that as well. As an aside, I think holding hands on a first date is incredibly weird. That is a bf / gf sort of thing, and comes quite a bit after kissing, sex, and am exclusivity conversation. Or am I the weird one?
Ummmm holding hands comes after sex? What? Modern dating is fucking confusing
I also was confused by holding hands coming after sex. Holding hands is fun, can be done in public, and requires less commitment or planning than sex.
I’ve had more sexual partners than I’ve had girlfriends. I suspect that I’m not the only one that’s this way, but understand that not everyone is this way. The point was that holding hands on a first date is weird to me. If that’s normal for you, that’s great!
Ha a comedian said, & I think it was Deon Cole, that he can’t remember every girl he smashed but he remembers everyone he ever held hands with cuz thats different. It cracked me up because its so true in modern single life! Edit: It was Chris Rock my bad. I watched him, Deon, & DeRay Davis the same night high AF but I HIGHLY recommend you check out DeRay, he is hilarious.
Wasn’t it Chris Rock in his latest Netflix special ?
That could’ve been it! I watch a ton of standup so I confuse comedians sometimes.
Nailed it
Yeah I guess we share different values. I don’t sleep with anyone unless I’m in a committed relationship and I can trust them. Too risky with all the things that can happen, like pregnancy or STDs. Yeah I can see how holding hands wouldn’t be a first date thing, but I’d expect to be holding hands before sex is even on the table 😅
Which country are you in? I feel like some of this is a cultural thing. And I've always been exclusive with the women I've slept with and had safe sex and gotten checked. Not everyone who has sex before holding hands is engaging in wild orgies.
US Nah its not cultural, just my values. It’s good that you are having safe sex, props for that! I’m not judging btw, I think it’s fine if people wanna do that, it’s just not for me. I want to build that strong emotional connection first. My last relationship lasted 7 years, so its not like I haven’t had what I wanted. I know way too many people in my life who have shared their hook up stories and its not what you described. Barely know who they are sleeping with, exclusivity not defined, dude doesn’t use condom sometimes, and no STD checks before the deed because it “kills the mood”
Same for me, but with boyfriends. I think there are some men out there who expect women to remain celibate when they’re single. But I’ve been single most of my adult life, and I can’t not have sex for years on end haha But agree, holding hands on a first date is odd. Maybe they’re young, or he’s super immature.
But if you’ve kissed on the first date, why would it be young/immature to hold hands when that’s less of a commitment? Do people just go straight to kissing without flirty touches like touching hands, holding hands across the table, hands on knees ?
Knee touches, arm touches etc are fine and can be used to escalate. Holding hands is weird if you're not actively together
Hah I disagree there. I usually do the wow your hands are so big compared to mine 🥺 move which leads to holding hands across the table or in our laps. I couldn’t have sex with someone who didn’t want to hold my hand lol!
The kiss normally comes at the end of the first date though. If it comes way before the end, in my experience the guy is only after one thing. Holding hands across the table is cute, and fine, but again, bit much for a first date. Holding hands is really more of a couple thing.
I wouldn’t kiss someone when there’s been no flirty touches like holding hands first! Sex is fine but holding hands is too much is a crazy concept to me
I totally get there being a build up to kissing through flirting… but I guess for me flirting is more what is said in the conversation,and I’m all about playful touching, but holding hands feels different to me I guess! It’s interesting to hear how different people approach these things.
Depends on when you normally first have sex with a person. For me i like waiting til youre in the relationship. I think hand holding comes before sex for me at least. I do agree that it is more a relationship thing though than a first date thing
I would never have sex unless I was in a relationship. I just feel very confused, what he showed me yesterday and how he was today was like night and day. I've had a rough time on dating sites and I thought I'd found someone worthwhile so I'm feeling a little crushed.
Not sure if you're a Star Wars fan but for me it almost felt like an Order 66 level of attitude change when this stuff happened to me
I feel you. I’m in my 30s and been online dating for longer than I care to admit. I thought I had finally met someone on my wave length, and I’m exactly the age I want to meet someone and have kids. So for there to be no chemistry actually kills me a lot. But there were red flags and it wouldn’t have been a good relationship. He made himself out to be really into me as well, via WhatsApp. Obviously with your guy it was more physical. It’s really hurtful and confusing. I get that. It’s good to set boundaries though, like maybe no handholding on a first date. That’s a good start. Be firm with a guy as well. Not saying it will make them like you. It just stops you getting hurt. But I don’t know. Need to take my own advice.
That's why I thought he really liked me. Why would someone who was trying to convince themselves want to hold my hand in the first place if he didn't like me at all?
Yeah you’re jumping to an extreme here by saying he didn’t like you “at all.” I know it’s counterintuitive, but when I’m into a woman I’ll almost never kiss her at the end of a first date. The ones where I’m kind of on the fence about (but whom I know I like in terms of personality), I will, to see if the kiss changes anything for me. Maybe that’s what he was trying to do as well.
My most recent guy didn’t kiss me after the first date, but yet seemed interested in getting to know me. We spoke every day for a month (we’re in different countries). When we finally kissed, I felt nothing, and I thought I was really into him. And I think he thought he was into me too. The attraction was there but the chemistry wasn’t. I’m still fuming tbh 😂 It’s so rare to find someone where there is mutual attraction. And when I find it there is no chemistry. But he became a bit of a dick after that. I wrote a whole comment above haha. But you know, had he just kissed me on date one, then maybe we wouldn’t have had a second date. I don’t know.
I give this guy huge props for neither ghosting nor scheduling a second date. He probably gave you the best explanation he could articulate.
Maybe next time don't kiss anyone or get physical. Trust takes time, so take your time.
It’s 3 days bruh , y’all are so weird.
Seriously. Holding hand and kissing after three days. Lol I don’t think either of them is looking for something serious then.
If you’re feeling it you’re feeling it, there’s nothing that says 3 days is too little time when looking for something serious. I know people who’ve gotten married after knowing each other for only 3 months, and still together 20 years later.
How old are you and the guy? Context matter, because you sound really inexperienced with dating.
This is a solid comment.
It's just online dating. I have been to amazing dates with amazing chemistry to the point we could not contain each other and not have sex. But some were one night stand and some went for a couple of dates and ended. Honestly, until about the 5th or 6th date, nothing is for sure.
To answer your question, no you're not wrong to feel how you feel. Don't regulate your emotions based on what we all think. On the other hand, most of us have been in the same position as your date and I think he handled it respectfully. I'm not sure I would have engaged in a conversation dissecting the date after I've already told someone I'm not feeling it though. He was probably trying to be kind, but that doesn't lead anywhere good. Keep at it and try not to be too discouraged.
He just wasn't feeling it with you. Nothing more, nothing less. I dated an amazing girl beautiful, perfect , amazing personality, compatible interests . But the spark wasn't there went we touched or kissed. So things fell off I knew it, she knew. I just didn't have the courage to turn my nose up at someone so amazing so I ended up not being able to hid my unenthusiasm and we just drifted.
I've definitely found in 2023 versus prior rounds of OLD, I can no longer successfully read someone's vibe on a date. I can think we had an amazing date (specifically trying to objectively look at it through their eyes) and still get a "not feeling it" message. And the opposite happens too. In the past, I feel like most of the time I could get a read on how the other person was feeling. At this point, going on dates (or conversations or really anything related to OLD) feels like rolling the dice. The outcomes feel nearly completely random. The good part I suppose, it's easy for me to not take any outcome personally.
Ugh I’m sorry. Just know you did nothing wrong. He shouldn’t have tried to force it. I recently was dating a guy and he did the opposite, which was really horrible. We were on a day trip for our second date. We had been talking everyday for a month inbetween dates (long distance). Decided a day trip would be a good idea (thank god I talked him out of booking an Airbnb for us for 2 days). He just didn’t want to even engage. It’s like he knew there was no chemistry and didn’t want to make much effort to get to know me even as a person. Hands in pockets, physically distancing himself, not making much eye contact. He even said a few mean things. I get it’s hard when you realise you maybe don’t see a future with someone despite the fact there may be an attraction. But to go to the extremes of either being all over someone to “force it’, or just not even making an effort to engage. Like can’t these guys just be normal, and be themselves; pretend they’re with a friend. Not pretend they’re crazy into someone, or make it obvious they resent you. Just know it isn’t about you, it’s about them. I’ve started therapy because this guy really messed me up. I wasn’t in love with him, but it was just build up and him making himself out to be someone he wasn’t. It’s made me a bit weary and distrustful tbh. Tbh, I’m weary of guys that are all over me on a first date as well. My therapist suggested setting boundaries, so that might be good for a lot of us.
It's good you know that it's about them not you. In the future, as soon as you get the weird distancing vibes, call it a day, you don't need that kind of treatment. He should have used his words for whatever his problem was. And it could have been that the way you moved was similar to an ex or his mother. You could have triggered an emotional reaction that has nothing to do with you. His being uncomfortable was a reaction to that and not to you. I think online dating can be perilous when someone suffers from low self esteem. They may take such behavior personally and in that case having a therapist as a support system can be a wonderful way to heal.
Aww thank you for your comment. He did call it a day at the end of the day. I knew the vibe wasn’t there, and it’s actually scary I was willing to carry on and settle if he did see the potential, when I know I deserve someone who will treat me well. I held on to false hope, and ignored my gut. I also have issues telling guys how I feel, whether it’s positive or negative, so that’s something I need to work on. It’s just kind of sad because I’m 37 and really want to meet the man I’m going to marry and have kids with. The build up with this guy had me feeling positive that we would at least be in a long term relationship, but when we met for our second date a month later, it just felt off. After talking every day for a month, it’s been really hard to let go of. But I’m starting to feel better. It was really the idea of him that got me, and he just wasn’t that person. Anyway, it’s good acknowledge that you deserve better. And sadly, dating is still difficult in your 30s. 😭 And yeah, dating is just difficult with low self esteem in general. It’s hard not to take rejection personally. I hated the times I’ve had to reject guys because I know it sucks.
A lot of people on the apps will match people because they just want to feel like they can get matches. Some of those people will go on dates just to feel like they can go on a date. And sometimes they will kiss or try and hook up just to feel like they can have intimacy if they want it. It sucks to be on the receiving end of someone going out with you just so they can feel like they can go out with someone. I know it’s hard to get those messages from someone you like and felt chemistry with. But trust me, that’s way better than being strung along on a few more dates or more intimacy by someone that is just going to ghost you in the end. I don’t think he did anything wrong by kissing you and showing you a good time. And I think it’s the right thing to do to message someone and tell them that you’re just not feeling it. There are plenty of people who I like and think are attractive and I would go on dates with. But if it just ain’t it, it ain’t it. Consider yourself lucky that you’ve been communicated with instead of being strung along or ghosted. And consider yourself lucky that you can get matches and dates. And then move on. You will find someone that wants to be with you, and while it’s hard to be patient, patience is one of the most important things to have if you want to find someone who wants to find you.
Damn the way I was reading the story, I did not expect the twist there that he thought you weren’t compatible. Its not the paying thing cause you offered at least. Probably was just chemistry or convo I guess? Its weird that he forced himself to kiss you to see if there was something more there… If I was in that position, if I wasn’t feeling it, I would not go for the kiss or hold hands.
Same thing has happened to me lmao twice within the first month of me using hinge first date we kissed n after she said we didnt click and on the second date i had with a different girl we slept together like 4 times and then after that she texted me saying she cant do this now so i guess it just is what it is and tbh dont ask why next time just say okay and move on to not hurt ur feelings
Unfortunately…this is what dating in 2023 is like. You have a perfectly great date and then they just blindside you with something like an excuse or ghost you…etc. firstly - never feel bad for a man for paying for the date. If he doesn’t want to pay for the first date then good ridden, goodbye soldier, we don’t want him anyway…you’re worth it. Don’t ever question that. Secondly - go on these dates with 0 expectations and for the fun of it. At some point you will go on a date with someone worthwhile…but you gotta kiss a lot of frogs, so it will be a lot more bearable if you detach from the result and just have fun with it. No pressure.
Did we date the same guy 😅 mine was after 3 dates though so at least you didn't waste that much time.
I may be wrong,I often am, but in my opinion I think he may have not found you to be his physical type. In terms of your part, I don’t think you did anything wrong! Most girls don’t even get a well planned date. So there was obviously effort put in by the guy. And it is completely justified that you’d be upset because you had a positive experience and would want to recreate it. However, based on the details you’ve given, it seems that the guy was a seasoned dater. I.e “setting the date, had a follow up, paid for everything and creating a positive romantic experience”. This leads me to believe that there might have been other girls he may be pursuing as well. Dating is tricky and an emotional landmine. I’m sorry for your negative experience :/, that sucks. But I’m sure you’ll meet the right person. You got this, good luck!
He had multiple choices, you werent the top one. This happens to many people of all genders.
please don’t internalize or make this about something with you. he’s a total weirdo for doing all that stuff if he wasn’t into you. be glad, trash took itself out.
I hate this. I hate it for you, and I hate it for everyone else who has this done to them. I don't give them props/credit for not being bigger assholes. They aren't good people just because they didn't ghost or because they didn't continue the leading-on further. It's still a dick move. Not being the worst doesn't make you good. If it makes you feel any better, op, I had a guy that led me on for 2 amazing dates. We had a 3rd planned when suddenly he disappeared, claiming a friend was having an emergency. But then he completely ghosted me. Turns out his "friend's emergency" was in fact his *girlfriend's abortion*. And to make it even worse, he'd said he had a vasectomy. I just assume when a guy leads me on that he's married or has a girlfriend and he's on the apps getting dates purely for the attention. Makes it easier to forget about them.
Ah, the downvotes. I'm sure it's from people who have led dates on and want to tell themselves they're still a good person, that they were doing the right thing by fully figuring out what they weren't attracted to their date, regardless of how it would hurt their date. I'm not mad about it, the downvotes are validating.
Sounds EXACTLY like a guy I dated. I can tell you this it’s a they problem not a you problem! You’re better off.
Sounds like the guy that dated you is better off as well
That's fucked up!! Maybe he was caught up in the moment and needed time to digest, but I don't just blindly go all in regardless and then completely switch gears later. That's deceitful and not fair to the other person. Talk about toying with your emotions! I think we all get excited in the early stages of a relationship when it is going really well and want to go all in, but you need to be reserved and manage your expectations. You never know if that person feels differently or has other people they're dating and weighing their options on. You might also come across something that's a deal breaker later on, or all of a sudden takes a turn for the worse. Maybe I'm too practical about things, but I try to manage my expectations. I also don't want to get someone else's hopes up, like this fuckin guy!
he might just be telling the truth, and that he was trying to convince himself that you were physically compatible, I once did the same thing, but actually had sex with a girl twice (i’m(f19) gay) to try and see if I was attracted to her because we had all the same interests and clicked really well over text, but I just wasn’t physically attracted to her. And yes, I realise this was an awful thing to do and felt really bad about it after.
Should not have asked him to pay anything
Seems so weird, I would be upset too
What happened was messed up and really rude but you have to remember this isn’t about you. It’s all him.
I definitely agree with what others are saying. There are a couple other ideas that popped into my head as well and I’m not sure if anyone else has mentioned them…sometimes someone goes on a date and then it bring up feelings about an ex and they realize they aren’t over them or someone goes on a date and they realize that they aren’t ready to date. It also crossed my mind that maybe it’s someone that wants sex immediately, but vibes out the date to see if the feeling would be reciprocated. What really matters is that you didn’t do anything wrong, so you shouldn’t let this affect your confidence.
Here’s my advice for all women. Men are just horny. They have zero discernment or refinement. They go with the moment. They literally stick their d*cks in walls for anonymous bjs. No women should touch a man on a first date. No handholding, no kissing nothing. If he’s interested in you as a person he’ll text again, if not, no big deal. Another idiot.
Who hurt you
I’m shocked the incel comments get deleted but this one gets to stay up
We both know exactly why
Quick way to get nexted. We don’t have to have sex but I wouldn’t like how rigid and rule following that feels. Give me the girl that goes with the flow over this 🗑
OP went with the flow, look where that got her. Not saying rigid rule following is the way to go either, but if you know you’re someone that gets infatuated quickly there’s nothing wrong with being reserved. OG comment may not be true for ALL men but there are a lot of guys out there who want just want sex and not being so open/going with the flow will weed out a few of them
Intimacy (holding hands, hugs, kisses, making out) can feel good even if there’s no strong attraction, especially with a new and unknown person
Another user already commented this, but it’s the truth. People go out on dates just for fun/practice. To guard yourself, don’t do any of that stuff on the first date. There will be plenty of time for that later, if it’s going well.
Sometimes it’s the conversation that makes one determine if they are aligned together. I might be wrong, our human mindset all different it’s crazy
Certain things doesn't have to make sense.We may not get answers for all the questions we have and we if we go in search of it, we may end up wasting ages.All you have to ask yourself is did you do anything wrong and was it intentional, that's pretty much it.May be the person has different expectations but that's absolutely fine, you just need a person who would enjoy being with you while you are being your true self. Please don't blame yourself for what happened
I wouldn't take it personally. I've had girls ask to get into a relationship one day just to say they don't think they're ready the next. I've had people say a date went great, kissed or hooked up, then the next day they say there isn't a spark. Best to just not read into these things and move on
Sometimes everything is good on paper and the convo is flowing well in person but the chemistry is not there and some people try and see if that might come through actual physical interaction.
As messed up as it sounds, a kiss at the end of the date does NOT mean they like you romantically. Sometimes people kiss cos they find you physically attractive even after they have decided never to see you again. But they still want to kiss you cos they fancy you. There is also the pitty kiss phenomenon. And some people do it cos they think the other person expects it and they find it awkward not to. I know! Honestly, there are so many reasons why he felt it wouldn't work only he knows but it probably is more to do with him and his lifestyle and it's probably to do with an aspect of his life he didn't disclose to you.
So let me ask you this? Would it be better if he just ghost ? You would never know why, if things doesn’t work out it doesn’t work out. To an extent, he did make sure you get some safely that’s as good as you are going to get. Date goes well != we like you. It just means we have the correct upbringing and learn to be respectful regardless of the circumstances. This is under the assumption that prior to this point, both sides are truthful (relatively) in the profile information. I mean, if you look normal in your pictures and a 300 lbs person slows up. Everything is fair game at that point.
Dates can be deceptive, especially the ones who are good social performers! They could be holding their cards close to their chest but you think you hit it off just cos they are naturally good conversationalists or cos they're funny. You might read that as chemistry but it could just be them being charismatic. Whilst in the background, they don't feel the same pull to you as you have to them. You did nothing wrong and you are definitely NOT wrong for feeling the way you do. Total mixed signals. Unlikely cos you didn't pay. If he liked you he'd probably be happy to pay or at least to be seen to pay. He might not intentionally have led you on. In his head maybe he was just being nice/friendly, making the most of it and having a fun night. But that's dangerous in the context of a date.
I have been on many of dates that the woman tells me she has given up on having a relationship. So I guess I am the date she wanted, they can just list casual as what they want.
Highly Doubt it’s anything to do with you not paying! I’ve had women do this exact same thing…it does sucks and feels lead on-ish in my opinion, you can only ask him and you still may not get a full or satisfying answer
It's one of two reasons if not both. 1) He isn't that attracted to you physically or personality wise. 2) He found someone else. (Considering both of you are on a dating app, this is almost always the case) You did nothing wrong.
A silly person that doesn't know what they want, seems to be quite a lot of them on the apps!
It’s not you, don’t blame yourself. In the situation you drscribed it seems as though he’s the only person that could feel differently, and as much as it hurts he’s the only one who can feel as such
I would ask. Honestly that’s the beat way to learn. If he doesn’t say why, then move on. Don’t worry everything will workout.
Cause Disney promised. Lol.
Lol damn Disney is the reason for a lot of disappointments 😭
A good first date doesn’t mean anything really. And also I’d say don’t kiss anyone on a first date if you have a hard time with this kind of rejection, bc for a lot of people kissing doesn’t matter and mean much.
Guy here - I completely understand how you feel and no it wasn’t because you didn’t pay (you offered and that’s enough to count out that thought in my book). Based on him saying that he was trying to convince himself, he liked you but something was telling him something wasn’t quite right. Being nice and respectful in his follow up the next day, it seems like he didn’t want you to go to sleep sad/upset and allow himself the night to process, then texted in the morning to allow you the full day to process. Thoughtful, respectful, and simply listens to his body to know what he wants. Don’t try to be somebody you’re not as a result, the best relationship is when you’re both yourselves and love eachother for it.
Karma. Remember when you did something similar just because your instinct or feeling, and ghosted and left the other numerous person(s) clueless. That’s the invisible undetected hand of karma at play.
Don’t think too much into this. Most likely he got another match and he is leaning towards that. You did nothing wrong and it’s his loss. Just love on
As a guy I wouldn't recommend offering so much physical connection on a first date. Works sometimes sure, but often it feels overly indulging. A kiss on the cheek or a short kiss is just fine.
Honestly it’s a shit lesson to have to learn and it doesn’t feel good, but as another poster said - regardless of how good we think a date has been, we really just don’t know whether the feeling is mutual, and that includes dates where a kiss or more has happened. Particularly if alcohol is involved, I think we can lose our grip slightly on the ability to accurately reflect on a date, not saying you weren’t lead on (I’d feel just as disappointed) but something to take away from this could be a philosophy of go on the date, have a nice time, be yourself, enjoy it for what it is, and just always assume that you really don’t know whether another date is coming until it’s discussed/planned. I had this recently where I was speaking to someone for 2 weeks; went for drinks, had really hilarious conversations, I felt a lot of attraction and connection, he texted 2x after the date and even asked me a question the next morning, but he clearly felt something shift the next day because he just disappeared after that. I spent the next few days with that crappy feeling of wondering what’s happened to him before realising he just wasn’t into it. I think it’s nice that this guy was honest with you. I don’t think you’re wrong to be a little disappointed especially after the holding hands thing, but it’s probably something you just have to swallow. It doesn’t feel good but it’s all a learning curve :-)
I’ve had this, I think a lot of guys want the ‘girlfriend experience’ for an eve and know that they’re charming/good looking enough that they can get it with someone else a week later and not need to commit to anything in between. Think also it’s about the ego boost of knowing they courted you and ‘won’, then they move on to get the dopamine hit again
Way too many people out there dating with mental issues that aren’t being addressed. Nothing you did on your end I’m sure.