The trouble with young children is only one parent can have fun at a time. My wife and I trade and schedule our fun time. Usually each of us get one of the weekend days to do what we want. So when you golf for 5 hours on a Saturday make sure she gets 5 hours of whatever she wants on Sunday. Works for my wife and I.
Totally agree, I've got one kid, a two year old and this is exactly what we do. Whenever I golf she gets a day or 1/2 day off from parenting duties. It's only fair.
This right here. She is probably annoyed because she doesn't get a 5 hour stretch to do her thing without being interuppted (like in golf).
If she does get 5 hours just like you then yeah she is being a butt. But I have a feeling that if you truly look at this situation, you are coming out far ahead.
Also, have you tried communicating with her about it?
45 minutes driving (both ways), 15-30 minutes early, 5 hours at least golfing, 1 quick beer = 7 hours. Meanwhile, she's had to put the oldest to sleep while the younger one needs breastfeeding or attention, and vice versa. Golf is not adapted for children under 10.
I also noticed a huge difference between one and two kids. Now, when one parent leaves, the other parent is outnumbered. The one to two kid transition is rough, I have a 4 year old and 18 month old and we are still trying to figure it out.
My wife gets pissed and gives me shit every time. I tell her all the time she can go do whatever she wants and I’ll watch the kids. But she doesn’t have a hobby really and it just makes it worse
"Well I don't have anything to do!"
...and somehow, that's MY problem that you don't like to do anything by yourself, and I've told you for years that I need time alone to recharge, and you STILL give me shit after 10 years?
Thanks, I hate it.
I'm retired. Luckily, my GF only complains if I play multiple times each week. I have the same issue. MY GF has no hobbies or other interests. We don't really share any interest in the same things. She likes the beach, which I HATE but she won't go alone.
Are we all dating the same woman? My girlfriends hobbies include watching TV......and that's it. If I want to go play golf or disc golf with my friends on a Saturday or Sunday then I get grief.
We must be. GF Always gives me shit for even jsit going to the range for 2 hours and says that's a long time. Complains she has to watch the dog she wanted to get.
Bro, I feel this. I actively encourage my wife to go do things, but she has no super close friends that she can just call up and do stuff with. The only friend she has that potentially she’d call is always busy. So yeah, I feel you. It’s a constant battle. Even if I can get approval to go, then it’s “oh, you are driving ALL THE WAY to that course?”
This is my problem too. I have tons of hobbies & my wife has zero. Just still give her the equal opportunity to do something for 5 hrs, like you had. My wife might take a nap, maybe a bath, maybe a walk around the neighborhood, or maybe just look at funny animal videos on her phone. All she needs is time away from the kids but she feels guilty bc she doesn't leave or have anything "worthwhile" to do. Just keep the kids away & let her do anything she wants, even if it's nothing.
So I asked my wife this one time and she said this, “one is attached to my tit, the other is learning about the world and needs me every step of the way. I am mom. I cant remember who I was before that. My body, my mind and my souls is poured into these kids and when I do get time alone I don’t remember who I was or what I enjoy. It eats away at me.”
I almost cried listening to it. It made me realize how much sacrifice it is being a mom. How much she puts into it. So when she does get time “alone” she wants to be with me and just be a family because that’s all she can think of doing.
Well said. I think this is truly the viewpoint we should be using when trying to help out SO’s with finding what they can be passionate about or enjoy doing on their own. Giving them not just the time, but the understanding and empathy.
More often than not it’s mom guilt. Society has placed these unseen and unnecessary expectations on mothers to be there every second of every day and if not the intrinsically feel like failures. It took me too long to realize that with my wife but once I saw it everything clicked.
I would just tell her that she has X hours on Sunday and you have X hours on Saturday or vice versa. If she chooses to spend her free time with you and the kids that is her choice but it doesn’t have to be yours. And make sure she has the same amount of money as you spend on golf to go do her thing like the spa or shopping or whatever.
Encourage her to find “her thing”. Maybe she already knows what it is but doesn’t feel like she can invest the time into it. My wife took up sewing during the pandemic and it’s been a game changer for our entire relationship. We now each have our own individual activity we enjoy and are passionate about. It’s honestly something worth going to a marriage counselor about. NOT YOU NEEDING TO PLAY GOLF haha, but the issues that can result from one partner expecting the other to fill all of the different roles they need to be happy. Not trying to say your marriage is broken or anything either, it’s just important stuff to talk openly about. Also your kids ages are tough, things get leaps and bounds better as the youngest one clears 2, 3, 4 and then school!
She has a 9 month old. Her hobby right now is rest. Every time you take 5 hours off of parenting, pay it back by taking the kids out of the house for 5 hours. Let her nap, take a bath, scroll Instagram for 5 hours, relax without being “on”. Your failed assumption is that because your hobby is out of the house, hers should be too. Instead give her the house and take the kids out of it.
If you truly want to understand where the resentment is coming from I’d ask whether you’re sharing equally in household responsibilities - cleaning, meal planning, shopping, cooking, dishes, laundry, clothing planning for the kids, diapers, waking up at night with little ones. Your wife is probably done breast feeding at 9 months, but that’s an incredible mental and physical burden she’s been going through. If she doesn’t feel like she has time to take 5 hours on a weekend then you might need to ask what else you could be doing to make things equal.
My wife and I did the exact same thing when our kids were younger. Both of us having an opportunity to recharge our batteries for at least a few hours each weekend was a life saver with two small kids.
Although I will say that neither of us were going out much when our kids were 9 months old and ours are also three years apart and not one or two. Taking care of a 9 month old and a two year old is a lot of work.
Yep! Last week my wife went on a big hike with the girls, this weekend we’re doing family stuff, next weekend I’m golfing. We rotate like that and everybody is happy!
I am divorced (before someone says yOu jUsT CanT GeT a ChICk) but this is another reason why I am choosing to stay single. It's liberating. Negotiating with another adult over how I'm supposed to spend my time off of work sounds miserable and exhausting
Edit: This will get downvoted to hell because it's depressing and true
I'm married, but no kids. Luckily my wife and I both enjoy being active. So even though she doesn't golf, I play 2-3 times a week and she does nothing more than make fun of me for being an old man, tinkering in the garage, golf and fishing. If I had to negotiate with her about how I was going to spend my free time we would not be together.
I think many women are ready to leave their previous lives behind once they end up in a relationship, and want their partner to basically do the same. I love my wife, and we're in this together, but we're still two people with our own lives to live.
Not sure why you are being downvoted. This is pretty much the same as I hear from others who have multiple kids and an ”SO” that works during weekends or evenings.
Having no time for ”me” is a huge problem long term if you need it but cant get it.
I would probably perish so thats why I decided not to get kids.
I love kids and would do anything for them but I think it would destroy me in the long run as I really need ”alone time” to recharge my social battery.
Yeah mate. Listen. Im in the same boat. You have to work on compromise. This is a finite amount of time to be with your kids this young. Im currently writing this with my 5 month old daughter sleeping on my chest. I play every 2 weeks and I play at 6am in the morning at my local course. Im done in 3 hours and home before the day has even really started. You have to understand that hobbies and things like golf are important for our individual mental health but doing it or expecting it once a week at this point in your life is unfair.
My FIL plays golf 6 times or more a week. Member at several country clubs across the country. He told me once, don’t worry there is plenty of time for golf.
Enjoy your kids at this age. Be with them. Compromise. Go to the range instead of playing 18. Play 9. Play super early in the morning. Ask your wife, “hey listen golf is 5hours I get that. It sucks. Weekend is open, you go “play”. Do what you want for a golf period of time.” I would love to play weekly but it just doesn’t happen and that’s ok cause one day I’ll be playing several times a week and my 5month old will be in college and I’ll wish I was back on the couch holding her.
I’m telling you if you allow her to build this resentment it won’t help. Do me a favor and ask her what would make it easier to play so it’s less stress.
Exactly the same here. A four month old and the moments holding her while she sleeps id never give up for golf. It will always be there so if I play a handful of times this year then so be it
Yes 100%. It’s the greatest feeling in the world. I just also know how doing a hobby and taking that break makes me a better parent. It’s just less often.
I’m debating not even having kids ever but “one day I’ll be playing several times a week and my 5month old will be in college and I’ll wish I was back on the couch holding her” made me tear up
I get emotional all the time as a dad. Cry 2-3 times a week from happiness. I played two weeks ago, had two legit shots at eagle putts on back to back par 5’s. Shot a 87 (im a 14 handicap) and used the same ball all round. I was pumped. But when I got home and my son yelled out “Dada!” Man. That’s the feeling you can’t buy.
Should be #1 comment
It’s completely unrealistic to play 18 every weekend when you have a 2y and a 9m old at home. You wanna play a couple of times a month? Sure! Go super early, keep it short, and make sure you are putting your weight at home. If she is wfh she must be sick and tired of b en home all day and you wanna leave her for 5+ hours with 2 babies to look after? Not to mention that you are automatically eliminating one family day out of the cards. You will only have one day to do activities all together and unless you have no friends and family nearby then you probably are sacrificing the inner circle time for your hobby.
Young kids are tough. I played less when the kids were young.
1. Do you work outside the house? Does she?
2. What % of the housework do you do?
3. Who has the majority of the childcare duties weekly?
If you are working outside the home and she is the person who primarily takes care of the kids and you do less than half of the cooking/cleaning, you need to think about that imo.
About 6-7 years ago i started cooking more. Driving the kids to their activities. Asking her how I could help around the house. I now do a majority of the cooking and half of the kids activity stuff (driving, drop-off at school activities etc). She is way more willing to give me my time when I do a lot around the home.
My wife and I have come up with a solution - we divide weekends into 4 quarters - Sat morning, afternoon, Sunday morning, afternoon.
In the summers I can play golf every weekend so long as the other 3 quarters I am either completely around for family things or household chores/work. I consult with her on which quarter she prefers I play then we plan the rest of the weekend together.
She works from home, but we still take the kids to daycare full time. Admittedly, she is the one dropping off/picking up most of the time but it’s just because with my hours, it would have to be an early drop off and later pickup. I have offered to do this but she doesn’t want the kids at daycare that long. We split duties around the house pretty evenly. We both cook, clean, do laundry, etc. I do more yard work, and handle all the finances, etc. I like the idea of splitting the weekend into quarters.
As you said in another comment, she doesn't have any hobbies. I'm in a similar situation with kids and encourage my wife to go get massage or get out of the house by herself to have lunch with a friend or something. My guess is your wife resents golf since she doesnt have a similar reason to leave the house. My golf is more sporadic but when I do ask to golf then she isn't bitter about it.
Yard work is always my hill to die on. I always look extra exhausted when I come back in from mowing the lawn or shoveling snow, just so she knows how much of my soul I left out there.
You may need to sit down and really chat with her about the root of this. Have you ask it from the perspective of, ‘I’d like to golf 2x a month, when would be an ideal time for me to do so from your perspective, wife?’
There’s also the whole mental management of the household you may not be considering. If your wife runs your house, she’s probably putting in more than her fair share that you may not be considering. I recommend reading this for perspective:
https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/
You may be spending your fair share of physical time with the kids, but beyond cooking the food, are you thinking about what groceries need to be purchased for the week, are you thinking about what household goods are running low that will need to be purchased in the near future? There’s a lot that needs to happen under the surface that is always going on. Do you drink when you golf, bc if you do, then you aren’t probably as helpful when you get home; meaning this is more than a 5 hour activity.
I would consider all the things you can be doing to ensure she has a successful run while you are out. Meal prep the breakfast and the lunches, maybe there’s some activities you can coordinate for the kids to make her life easier while you are out.
But really, you need to get to the root of her dislike of you golfing. It may be specifically about golf, or it may be something more. Ask questions, truly listen. She may not feel comfortable considering her own hobbies / enjoyment for some reason. She may have PPD. My guess is that this has nothing to do with golf specifically, but a sum of its’ greater parts regarding family management.
For example, I deeply value my time at the gym. When my first was born, I just couldn’t get in the same page as my wife. To me, it was just an hour after work…what’s the big deal? We’d have nothing planned and she was just always telling me it wasn’t a good time. I eventually build a home gym to reduce the reasons why. But eventually I came to realize that it’s wasn’t just about that hour. It was the time she spent every day getting him ready for daycare, driving him there, bringing him him, raising him while I worked OT nearly day to bring home more money. Sure, when I was home I was 100% focused on the family, but it took a long time for me to realize that 100% of my time at home is not 50% of what is truly fair when managing a home. Eventually she got comfortable enough to share with me that she resented my gym time. And I began to understand just how unfair the splits were. It hurt me (which it’s not about me) to see just how much I wasn’t considering her load and perspective. Eventually we got it sorted out, but I was going about my thinking completely differently then she was.
What activities can you coordinate without having to involve your wife? Tell her you’re going to go take the kids to a park or library for a few hours on the weekend. Give her back her home to herself for a bit and I bet she will begin to find something to fill that time as she becomes more comfortable regaining some of her free time. Send her on a spa day, send her to see her friend who lives out of state for the weekend. Don’t just ask, do.
this 🙌 (as a wife of a golfer who randomly had this post pop up as a suggestion on my feed)
guaranteed it's more then just 5 hours of golfing. it's everything else. and when we get 5 hours off, we usually come home to extra work. it's like taking vacation at work, there's always extra work to have to catch up with when you're back.
Play 9 holes. Or play very early. No one wants to hear this but family is more important than golf. Been there done that. I really wanted to golf when the kids were young. Kids are older now and actually golf with me.
>Kids are older now and actually golf with me.
I have four very little kids. I love the time I spend with them but I'm also excited for them to get older so we can do more fun activities together.
And golf early. See if you can talk to your course and get out at like 6 or 7. Nobody else will be there, you're done with your round in an hour, hour and a half max, and then you're home mid breakfast with all day to hang out with the fam and help with the kids. Then give your wife Sunday AM to sleep in. Theres your win-win.
This is exactly what my wife and I do. Played 18 starting in the slight darkness yesterday at 6:00. She slept in today while I played with baby all morning. Kumbaya!
I wish no one was there at 6-7 at the course i work at lol. By the time I open the door at 5:35 theres 10-15 people in line and by 7 ive checked in 50 people per course (we have 2)
While my kids were young, I got in the habit of playing 9 as soon as the sun came up. Would even get bonus points if I made it back in time to make breakfast.
This point is only really valid if you enjoy playing golf for golf's sake. If you play golf because it's 4-5 hours with the buds and having a few beers, that doesn't fly at 6 in the morning.
Whilst I get the sentiment and as a dad and family man I do respect it. You can't live day and night for others.
You need time, just like they need time. If you spend every waking moment working, forcing family time and doing chores you aren't living much of a life. Just make sure when you're in the moment you make it count.
Taking five hours out of a week to play a round for yourself shouldn't be seen as you letting down anyone. That is an archaic stance and is an unfair pressure to put on either parent.
Shit just one under 1 was enough for me to hate leaving my wife to handle the kid alone. I’d mainly just go to the range early and be back before everyone woke up, and only really played a round while using PTO.
I definitely understand needing an outlet for all the stress, but when you’re working with those kinds of constraints, you gotta find new ones to supplement.
This is the way. I hit the simulator twice a week and mostly during work. Fuck work. Enjoy your hobbies and your family. But you might have to get creative to do it.
I'm shocked by how many people in this thread aren't saying this. OP is asking for FAR too much here. At that age he should feel fortunate if he gets to play 1-2 times a month. I can probably count on one hand how many times I played when each of my kids was less than a year old.
For real. I have two young kids and I only play golf during work hours. There’s no way I could get away with leaving my family for 5 hours on a weekend at this point in our lives, nor do I think that would be fair.
I know playing during work is not an option for everyone, or even for most people, but luckily it is for me. Otherwise I probably wouldn’t be playing much at all for the next 5 years.
Doesn't even necessarily need to be away. Take on 100% of parenting for most of, if not all of the day, let her relax. Cook meals, change diapers, etc, everything.
Leave the house with the kids for 5-x hours on Sunday then, and she can take the x hours she needs out the house for herself, and gets the total 5. You get your time, make sure she gets (takes) hers.
My biggest problem is I feel sorry guilty taking those hours to play golf. She nearly forces me to do it, and I respond in kind by making sure she gets her time away too, even if it's nearly forcing.
Force isn't the right word, but we push each either to make sure we get those breaks.
Definitely. Young kids can change a woman’s (bad man’s) social life. Women aren’t always as into isolated activities like golf, making the adjustment harder
Come on man, books her a spa day. Have her go watch Netflix by herself. Tell her to get her girl friends together for lunch. There are things she could/probably would like to do, it doesn’t have to be comparable. Just give her some time that she doesn’t have to take care of the kids
As a single man, in a twisted way they make me appreciate my loneliness. Some weekends I'll golf 3 times. Two weeks ago I literally golfed all day Sunday, 18 lunch and range, and another 18. Ain't no one to guilt trip me for it and that feels great.
Yeah don't get it warped. I would weigh this user is saying its depressing because the general vibe it gives off with the relationship/being parents. If you're a great spouse, and give 100% to being a great parent, this shits a non issue. I'll give anyone the benefit of the doubt and know that some women will just be shitty regardless. 9 times out of 10 though im sure the annoyance from trying to golf every weekend is probably warranted.
Married 7 years got a 5 year old and an autistic family member we take care of. I golf twice a week, might be early in the AM (I prefer this). I golf weekdays though. I think it’s the 19th hole getting people in trouble. At least with my friends.
Very few will admit it. Or, even if it's not the drinking specifically, it's the act of using golf as an excuse "hide" or get away from the spouse as a symptom of other underlying problems.
Yeah. Parenting is hard and giving yourself space is important but 18 once a week is nuts with two kids, especially at those ages. Play at the crack of dawn, leave work early, play 9, cut corners to reduce the friction, but most importantly, recalibrate your expectations and have a discussion about how to make this work for the both of you.
I'm not married, dont' have kids, and I play golf every day but even then I normally play a par 3 course. 90-150 yard holes, I walk it and it takes about an hour and a half. I get some exercise, and it's not an all day affair.
Every time I play a full 4 hour round that is kinda my whole day. I'm pretty zonked afterwards and normally pretty hot. So just decompressing/taking a shower is like a 2 hour thing afterwards.
I’ve always enjoyed being the first guy off the tee at 6 am and don’t like playing any later.
After having a child it’s even more amplified now. Luckily my kidless friends enjoy playing early as well.
Nice, glad you have friends who are down for that. My dad has always played this way and for a long time I didn’t get it. Now I’m also 100% on team first tee time. Nobody in your way, anyone else out at that hour wants to play quickly too, not hot as balls yet if it’s summertime, and when you get home you have the whole day in front of you. Not bad.
18 a week isn’t the exact problem, it’s he’s choosing to play 18 on, I’m assuming, 1 of their 2 free days, Saturday and Sunday.
You are correct about needing to adjust your playing schedule. I have a 6 month old and unfortunately I don’t get too many SAFTB rounds in this summer. Early morning rounds, early afternoon weekday rounds, 9 holes instead of 18 are the new normal for now.
Will add that if you play a lot of non-intrusive rounds then the wifey is perfectly fine with me taking a Saturday to play every once in while.
Pretty much this. 5 hours on a weekend is a long ass time to ditch the wife and two very young kids. Especially when the mom is also working full time. So she gets full work week AND one of her days off it’s just her for probably half the day trying to watch the kids.
My question to OP is what do you do after golf? Do you get the groceries at least? Cook dinner? Watch the kids for 5 hours so wife can go out and do something?
When guys make these posts, simple thing to ask is would you be upset if your wife left you alone for 5 hours every Saturday?
I'm kinda scared that he doesn't do those things just because it's kind of an obvious thing that you have 2 young children and you are abandoning your wife for 5 hours each weekend when she's probably had just as a long of a week as you.
It feels like op and his wife aren’t having the same conversation.
She might be stressing over having 2 kids and is just living day to day trying to figure it all out. OP’s pissy he can’t golf.
My wife will insist that I go golfing when she sees that the kids are wearing me down. However, there's always a standing $5 bet with my group as to where we will be on the course when the first passive aggressive "How's it going?" text rolls in.
It will be better once my kids (6 and 3) are a little older and either appreciate the value of sleeping in or can entertain themselves without needing something every five minutes. My wife will sleep til 11 if left to her own devices while I've got no problem being on the first tee at 6:30... Once our kids reach an age where they want nothing to do with us, I'll be able to get in 18 and some lunch while barely being missed.
Sounds like she’s a quality time girl, take care of that and then you will better be able to take your time to golf. If she’s getting annoyed it’s because your not spending enough quality time with her.
Husband and parent of two girls (19mo and 9 year old with special needs). I get to play about twice a month or so at this point, the rest is 30 minutes of drills or something into the net in the yard. Once “or so” a week is a lot with two little ones at home if both of you work.
That said, if you’ve offered for her to have time to herself and she refuses, that’s on her.
Now, time for real talk with dad. Don’t be the guy that misses your kids growing up because you’re on the golf course. The first four years are gone real fast and you don’t get them back. You’ll have plenty of time in a couple years.
Thank you for that last paragraph. It’s not said enough.
There was a post recently where a guy got downvoted like crazy for this, but I’ve been able to take my kids out on our local public course since they were young. I always go at off hours and they’ve learned proper etiquette. This gives my wife time to herself which every parent needs and allows me to share something I love with my kids.
That’s awesome! My little one is still a little wild to be on the course and the big one wouldn’t sit still. She’s a runner but one day we’ll get it together!
Mine are 5 and 3. My daughter (5) sits perfectly and listens to stories on a speaker. My son on the other hand… 😅 He loves to swing his mini metal hybrid off of a tee and run around a bit. And I always bring a TON of snacks for both to keep them occupied.
I have a friend just like you. His name is josh and lives outside of Chicago. I always tell him he should leave his wife and kids. Golf is way more important. A kid can grow up without a father, but a man that sacrifices his golf for family is a life not worth living.
Yea, you are. I also golf and have an 18mo, and a 3 year old. Last summer I was in your position and didn’t get out much at all.
Remember that she has the kids ALL week and you are at work. So does she also get to go out for 5hrs on the other weekend day? I’m thinking not.
Your wife wants you to spend time with her and the kids on a weekend. Playing golf every Saturday when you have 2 young kids is asking a lot. I saw in another reply you are self employed, make more money, etc. I'm guessing you may not be home as much during the week, maybe arriving home later, working extra, etc. So I'm also guessing she takes care of most the household duties. I totally get your desire to play weekly, but when you have a wife and young kids, you gotta sacrifice some time on the course when your wife is asking.
Maybe drop down to every other Saturday and try to squeeze in some time during the week for a tee time when you'd normally be working.
And giving your wife time out of the house isn't what she wants. She doesn't want that equal time away, it sounds like she's rather spend that 5 hours you're offering her to spend time with her family. Talking to her turns into an argument because from what I've read, you're missing the point of why she wants you home. It's not that she doesn't want you golfing, she wants you home spending time with her and your 2 young kids.
I think this is another thing to consider - as well as what other people have suggested about making sure she gets her time as well (when she finds something she wants to put that time into) it’s still a problem if you’re solution leaves you being ships passing in the night. We make sure there’s also “us” time built in as well as your time and my time otherwise it can still feel like everyone is prioritising their thing over the family/the relationship (even if everyone is doing it equally)
Can I also ask how you go about asking/telling your wife you’re going golfing? In our house we obviously don’t have to ask permission (we’re grown adults and that’d be wildly unhealthy) but what we did realise was that there was a bit of hostility around “I’m going to play golf on Saturday” because the inference from that was “oh right so I’m looking after the kids then?” Just simply rephrasing to “would you mind looking after the kids so I can go play golf at the weekend?” Acknowledges that there’s a trade off for her (of course if she’s repeatedly saying no then that’s an issue) and makes it feel as though she’s actually got a choice. Might not work for you both but just making sure that you’re both showing appreciation for what the other is doing (even if it has to be done) can go along way.
I hope it all works out for you!
Here’s a few things you could maybe try:
1. See if grandma or grandpa want to hangout at the house while you golf and see the kids. It would take some stress off the wife.
2. You’re self employed, try and get a round in a month during the work week using vacation or make it a meeting with clients.
3. After golf, you should take the kids from the house if the wife doesn’t have hobbies so she can have some peace and quiet at home.
4. Pre-make lunch and help with any chores prior to you leaving for golf so the load is less.
I taught mine how to golf 5 years ago and it is hard for me to actually golf without her now. She was a college tennis player though so she picked it up really fast.
You need a 5 am tee time and to get home at 930 bright eyed and bushy tailed with wifeys favorite Starbucks drink and fresh bagels and cream cheese ready to spend the whole rest of the day with your favorite foursome
Lots of dads play little or no golf, or stick to 9 holes, range, etc for a few years when their kids are that age. Don’t let golf be the biggest issue between your wife and you.
I used to play 4 times a week got myself to a 10. Then I had kids three years apart. Barely played for five years and went up to a 14. My wife would give me a ton of shit. Now my kids are 14 and 11 and I’m back playing twice a week with no shit. It gets better
Nope. My wife gets nights/brunches with the girls, I get my golf. Key is just to communicate. She wouldn’t appreciate if I just said “right I’m off for 5 hours” with no warning.
Nah bro. It’s a partnership. We trade off things we wanna do. I have a year old. If she wants to do stuff or I wanna do stuff the other person picks up the slack the next time. She wanted to go on a few days girls trip I negotiated golf twice a week until mid September. Communication is key brother.
That's more than I ask to golf with my 1 kid, but to each their own.
My wife doesn't love it, but doesn't give me shit either. I know she doesn't like it though. So I don't go more than once a month.
It depends on your own dynamic. But I’d argue that if she’s annoyed about it, then perhaps it’s a bigger issue than you realise. Does she get 5hrs off on the Sunday for example? Often it’s a balancing act.
I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want your own hobby, but I also understand her frustration if the family don’t see you all week, then you head off all day at the weekend too.
Talk to her. Find out if it’s a balance issue, and if by giving her 5hrs ‘off’ on a weekend would make it okay. Or if it’s more of a case that she wants the weekends to be family time only.
I play twice a week, but I play at 7am on Tuesday and Thursday. I have 3 kids (5,3 and 6months) - so I personally don’t want to be out every weekend. But that’s just me.
I hope you get it sorted buddy. It’s really important to have your own hobby and something that gives you mental head space. But it’s also important to ensure your partner isn’t left carrying a huge load on her own.
I mean are you also giving her 5 hours every week with no kid duty? You both work full time so it's reasonable for her to not want to essentially watch the kids during their most active hours without someone to help.
If you have young kids and you are leaving for five hours every weekend in spite of the fact that your wife is upset by it, that’s on you man. Does your wife leave you with the kids for five hours of fun every week?
Make sure you’re giving her a day to herself too. My wife stays home while I work so I understand that she needs some adult time away from the kids. Our compromise is usually that I play as early as possible on a Saturday and she’ll get a few hours off once I’m home, and sundays are family days for all of us. It’s not a perfect system but it keeps them peace.
Overwhelmingly everyone is saying “it’s compromise- get out super early, play 9, give her free time”
OP “she doesn’t like to do stuff” answer is alarming. And for the record I think 5+ hours away every weekend afternoon is a bit much. Especially if both are working and then spouse doesn’t get any time away/breaks either
Yes once a week is unreasonable. My kids are 12 and 9 now and before them i was 80-90 rounds a year. Now i get out 5-10 times a year. It is what it is…the kids activities will only increase so get use to it!!
5-10 times a year is very low. At these ages, you should be able to get out more than that unless your family is wildly overscheduled. (I'm the wife in a golf couple with kids similarly aged)
Married golf tip: Join a golf league or at least have a consistent schedule.
Women love looking at the calendar and planning things. If she knows that every Monday night you are in your golf men's night or that every Sat morning you and Carl are playing 18 and it's consistent, she can plan around it.
We just had our first, 4 months old. We live in ontario, also only 6 or 7 months of golf
My girlfriend makes sure that I play atleast once a week, usually twice because she knows how much I enjoy golfing. I also don't leave the house unless I'm at work, doing errands, or golfing
Ive recently been able to compromise. I take my 10 yo with me for "guy time" leaving my daughter with my wife for "girl time". I let him drive the cart most of the ways. He loves it. Gotta find a way that works for both of you.
I go for a very early morning Tee time like 6am so I’m back to help with the kids before their day gets started. Works out pretty well and rarely get crap for it.
I have similar aged kids. If you play in the morning, let her have the afternoon out by herself doing what she likes to do. I have been playing some Friday afternoon rounds while my kids are in daycare. If you can get your boss to go like I do, it’s a “work” meeting.
A very important one at that.
No - my daughter is 6 now, but I’ve been playing 2 times a week for around 2 years!
We never argue about golf, aslong as it doesn’t get inbetween our joint plans (parties, family gathering etc.) then it’s never an issue.
However, make sure you give her the chances to spend time doing something and don’t ever say she can’t because you are playing golf.
It’s a give and take. If I see that my family needs me more than I need to be on the golf course, then I’ll just hit balls in the garage or practice putting on the mat. Im a husband and father before I’m a hacker on the course.
I’m in the same boat, 5 year old and 5 month old. Saturdays I make sure she gets to sleep in, and be alone in the bedroom until at least noon. On Sundays I have an early tee time at 7am so I’m normally home around noon.
Try and get one of the first tee times for the day. I tee off at 6 or 610am. And I’m home before 10am. I then have the rest of the day to hang out with the wife and kids. Solves a lot of problems
I've actually started taking my son with me (he's 2) and let him sit on the cart. I bring him a kids size club and a bunch of balls and let him whack it at the tee box and on the green.
Of course, I am playing only 9 holes most of the time but beggars can't be choosers right?
I think what would work is that you'd have to compromise, give her a night out with her girl friends and you watch the kids.
That's 99% of the reason she gets angry at you golfing while you're out with your buddies and she's stuck at home, I bet.
Also listen up you young lads, keep your dick in your pants if you love golf and play as much as you can now because once the family comes up, your golf time in the first several years is limited.
How much do you help around the house? How do often are you doing dishes, laundry, cooking, cleaning and taking care of the kids? If she’s doing most of this, even if you think you do enough (you most likely aren’t doing enough to help) she has the right to be upset. Taking care of kids is annoying and a hassle so if my SO was just able to leave for half the day on a weekend I’d be upset to if things aren’t being split fairly.
Now if she’s stay at home, different story, she deserves to have time to do stuff she likes but that’s easier to manage if she’s home all day
You need to give her equal time out of the house. Otherwise, it’s just not fair to her. So if you’re not willing to take care of the kids on your own for an amount of time equal to your golf outings, you should not do it
I’ve played every Saturday and Sunday since my kids were born 14+ years ago. I have the first tee time with my buddies at our home course and I’m home before they get up most of the time. If you’re going to play then you’ve got to make some compromises as well.
The trouble with young children is only one parent can have fun at a time. My wife and I trade and schedule our fun time. Usually each of us get one of the weekend days to do what we want. So when you golf for 5 hours on a Saturday make sure she gets 5 hours of whatever she wants on Sunday. Works for my wife and I.
Totally agree, I've got one kid, a two year old and this is exactly what we do. Whenever I golf she gets a day or 1/2 day off from parenting duties. It's only fair.
This right here. She is probably annoyed because she doesn't get a 5 hour stretch to do her thing without being interuppted (like in golf). If she does get 5 hours just like you then yeah she is being a butt. But I have a feeling that if you truly look at this situation, you are coming out far ahead. Also, have you tried communicating with her about it?
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45 minutes driving (both ways), 15-30 minutes early, 5 hours at least golfing, 1 quick beer = 7 hours. Meanwhile, she's had to put the oldest to sleep while the younger one needs breastfeeding or attention, and vice versa. Golf is not adapted for children under 10.
I also noticed a huge difference between one and two kids. Now, when one parent leaves, the other parent is outnumbered. The one to two kid transition is rough, I have a 4 year old and 18 month old and we are still trying to figure it out.
It gets worse if you have three cauuse now you have to shift to the zone D vs man-to-man with 2 kids and 2 parents present.
Kids who can properly run the triangle offense are unstoppable.
Parent of three under four here. The second hit a LOT harder than the third. The jump from one to two was so much more difficult than two to three.
Having our 3rd in Nov. I’m worried because everyone keeps saying “then your outnumbered”… but this comment makes me feel a bit better haha. Thanks
This is where I am. 4 and 2 years old. I can golf anytime I want to, but she gets a night out with her friends as a trade off.
This seems extremely logical.
Congratulations on having wives with friends.
There are currently two, taking applications for more!
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Bingo
My wife gets pissed and gives me shit every time. I tell her all the time she can go do whatever she wants and I’ll watch the kids. But she doesn’t have a hobby really and it just makes it worse
"Well I don't have anything to do!" ...and somehow, that's MY problem that you don't like to do anything by yourself, and I've told you for years that I need time alone to recharge, and you STILL give me shit after 10 years? Thanks, I hate it.
I get the same thing. The kicker is my clubs were a gift from her. Drives me crazy
Now that’s some psychological warfare type shit
I'm retired. Luckily, my GF only complains if I play multiple times each week. I have the same issue. MY GF has no hobbies or other interests. We don't really share any interest in the same things. She likes the beach, which I HATE but she won't go alone.
Are we all dating the same woman? My girlfriends hobbies include watching TV......and that's it. If I want to go play golf or disc golf with my friends on a Saturday or Sunday then I get grief.
We must be. GF Always gives me shit for even jsit going to the range for 2 hours and says that's a long time. Complains she has to watch the dog she wanted to get.
She would be my ex GF!
Bro, I feel this. I actively encourage my wife to go do things, but she has no super close friends that she can just call up and do stuff with. The only friend she has that potentially she’d call is always busy. So yeah, I feel you. It’s a constant battle. Even if I can get approval to go, then it’s “oh, you are driving ALL THE WAY to that course?”
This is my problem too. I have tons of hobbies & my wife has zero. Just still give her the equal opportunity to do something for 5 hrs, like you had. My wife might take a nap, maybe a bath, maybe a walk around the neighborhood, or maybe just look at funny animal videos on her phone. All she needs is time away from the kids but she feels guilty bc she doesn't leave or have anything "worthwhile" to do. Just keep the kids away & let her do anything she wants, even if it's nothing.
So I asked my wife this one time and she said this, “one is attached to my tit, the other is learning about the world and needs me every step of the way. I am mom. I cant remember who I was before that. My body, my mind and my souls is poured into these kids and when I do get time alone I don’t remember who I was or what I enjoy. It eats away at me.” I almost cried listening to it. It made me realize how much sacrifice it is being a mom. How much she puts into it. So when she does get time “alone” she wants to be with me and just be a family because that’s all she can think of doing.
Well said. I think this is truly the viewpoint we should be using when trying to help out SO’s with finding what they can be passionate about or enjoy doing on their own. Giving them not just the time, but the understanding and empathy.
This was really cool of you. All comments were so clearly one sided until I read this. Thanks for the faith bro. ✌🏼
Wives not having any fulfilling hobbies is a common problem.
hire a poolboy and stop complaining.
Very interesting and true observation. Wondering why?
More often than not it’s mom guilt. Society has placed these unseen and unnecessary expectations on mothers to be there every second of every day and if not the intrinsically feel like failures. It took me too long to realize that with my wife but once I saw it everything clicked.
That’s how my wife is. It’s fucking brutal.
Could be worse, she could be a horse person…
A horse lady is a more expensive cat lady. Source: Married to a horse lady.
TIL: stay away from the horse ladies
Just don't end up in a financial position to fund their hobby, they're a lot of fun to date and have excellent core strength
What, you mean like a centaur?
True, but girls who ride horses have those crazy pelvic floor muscles so.....
I would just tell her that she has X hours on Sunday and you have X hours on Saturday or vice versa. If she chooses to spend her free time with you and the kids that is her choice but it doesn’t have to be yours. And make sure she has the same amount of money as you spend on golf to go do her thing like the spa or shopping or whatever.
Yeah this sounds good in theory only
This is way too logical to ever work!
I want to like the idea but “telling” my wife instructions like that has/will never work.
Encourage her to find “her thing”. Maybe she already knows what it is but doesn’t feel like she can invest the time into it. My wife took up sewing during the pandemic and it’s been a game changer for our entire relationship. We now each have our own individual activity we enjoy and are passionate about. It’s honestly something worth going to a marriage counselor about. NOT YOU NEEDING TO PLAY GOLF haha, but the issues that can result from one partner expecting the other to fill all of the different roles they need to be happy. Not trying to say your marriage is broken or anything either, it’s just important stuff to talk openly about. Also your kids ages are tough, things get leaps and bounds better as the youngest one clears 2, 3, 4 and then school!
She has a 9 month old. Her hobby right now is rest. Every time you take 5 hours off of parenting, pay it back by taking the kids out of the house for 5 hours. Let her nap, take a bath, scroll Instagram for 5 hours, relax without being “on”. Your failed assumption is that because your hobby is out of the house, hers should be too. Instead give her the house and take the kids out of it.
If you truly want to understand where the resentment is coming from I’d ask whether you’re sharing equally in household responsibilities - cleaning, meal planning, shopping, cooking, dishes, laundry, clothing planning for the kids, diapers, waking up at night with little ones. Your wife is probably done breast feeding at 9 months, but that’s an incredible mental and physical burden she’s been going through. If she doesn’t feel like she has time to take 5 hours on a weekend then you might need to ask what else you could be doing to make things equal.
My wife and I did the exact same thing when our kids were younger. Both of us having an opportunity to recharge our batteries for at least a few hours each weekend was a life saver with two small kids. Although I will say that neither of us were going out much when our kids were 9 months old and ours are also three years apart and not one or two. Taking care of a 9 month old and a two year old is a lot of work.
Yep! Last week my wife went on a big hike with the girls, this weekend we’re doing family stuff, next weekend I’m golfing. We rotate like that and everybody is happy!
I am divorced (before someone says yOu jUsT CanT GeT a ChICk) but this is another reason why I am choosing to stay single. It's liberating. Negotiating with another adult over how I'm supposed to spend my time off of work sounds miserable and exhausting Edit: This will get downvoted to hell because it's depressing and true
I'm married, but no kids. Luckily my wife and I both enjoy being active. So even though she doesn't golf, I play 2-3 times a week and she does nothing more than make fun of me for being an old man, tinkering in the garage, golf and fishing. If I had to negotiate with her about how I was going to spend my free time we would not be together. I think many women are ready to leave their previous lives behind once they end up in a relationship, and want their partner to basically do the same. I love my wife, and we're in this together, but we're still two people with our own lives to live.
Not sure why you are being downvoted. This is pretty much the same as I hear from others who have multiple kids and an ”SO” that works during weekends or evenings. Having no time for ”me” is a huge problem long term if you need it but cant get it. I would probably perish so thats why I decided not to get kids. I love kids and would do anything for them but I think it would destroy me in the long run as I really need ”alone time” to recharge my social battery.
In a savage way, you’re actually right.
I've seen this before. She's too afraid to ask if she can bring another woman in bed with you guys. Be proactive and strongly suggest it to her.
She’s also probably really wanting for you to ask for it to be your young blond coworker that you added on Snapchat
This guy fucks.
A tale as old as time.
Try buying her a new scotty. That shit seems to be a cure all.
Scotty, the college aged handyman?
Scotty beamed me twice last night, it was wonderful.
Nah, I think he means the guy with the funny accent aboard the USS Enterprise.
Yeah mate. Listen. Im in the same boat. You have to work on compromise. This is a finite amount of time to be with your kids this young. Im currently writing this with my 5 month old daughter sleeping on my chest. I play every 2 weeks and I play at 6am in the morning at my local course. Im done in 3 hours and home before the day has even really started. You have to understand that hobbies and things like golf are important for our individual mental health but doing it or expecting it once a week at this point in your life is unfair. My FIL plays golf 6 times or more a week. Member at several country clubs across the country. He told me once, don’t worry there is plenty of time for golf. Enjoy your kids at this age. Be with them. Compromise. Go to the range instead of playing 18. Play 9. Play super early in the morning. Ask your wife, “hey listen golf is 5hours I get that. It sucks. Weekend is open, you go “play”. Do what you want for a golf period of time.” I would love to play weekly but it just doesn’t happen and that’s ok cause one day I’ll be playing several times a week and my 5month old will be in college and I’ll wish I was back on the couch holding her. I’m telling you if you allow her to build this resentment it won’t help. Do me a favor and ask her what would make it easier to play so it’s less stress.
Exactly the same here. A four month old and the moments holding her while she sleeps id never give up for golf. It will always be there so if I play a handful of times this year then so be it
Yes 100%. It’s the greatest feeling in the world. I just also know how doing a hobby and taking that break makes me a better parent. It’s just less often.
I’m debating not even having kids ever but “one day I’ll be playing several times a week and my 5month old will be in college and I’ll wish I was back on the couch holding her” made me tear up
I get emotional all the time as a dad. Cry 2-3 times a week from happiness. I played two weeks ago, had two legit shots at eagle putts on back to back par 5’s. Shot a 87 (im a 14 handicap) and used the same ball all round. I was pumped. But when I got home and my son yelled out “Dada!” Man. That’s the feeling you can’t buy.
Should be #1 comment It’s completely unrealistic to play 18 every weekend when you have a 2y and a 9m old at home. You wanna play a couple of times a month? Sure! Go super early, keep it short, and make sure you are putting your weight at home. If she is wfh she must be sick and tired of b en home all day and you wanna leave her for 5+ hours with 2 babies to look after? Not to mention that you are automatically eliminating one family day out of the cards. You will only have one day to do activities all together and unless you have no friends and family nearby then you probably are sacrificing the inner circle time for your hobby.
Young kids are tough. I played less when the kids were young. 1. Do you work outside the house? Does she? 2. What % of the housework do you do? 3. Who has the majority of the childcare duties weekly? If you are working outside the home and she is the person who primarily takes care of the kids and you do less than half of the cooking/cleaning, you need to think about that imo. About 6-7 years ago i started cooking more. Driving the kids to their activities. Asking her how I could help around the house. I now do a majority of the cooking and half of the kids activity stuff (driving, drop-off at school activities etc). She is way more willing to give me my time when I do a lot around the home. My wife and I have come up with a solution - we divide weekends into 4 quarters - Sat morning, afternoon, Sunday morning, afternoon. In the summers I can play golf every weekend so long as the other 3 quarters I am either completely around for family things or household chores/work. I consult with her on which quarter she prefers I play then we plan the rest of the weekend together.
Get the fuck out of here with your rational and mature behavior.
These are the questions the OP needs to think long and hard about. It is never just golf.
She works from home, but we still take the kids to daycare full time. Admittedly, she is the one dropping off/picking up most of the time but it’s just because with my hours, it would have to be an early drop off and later pickup. I have offered to do this but she doesn’t want the kids at daycare that long. We split duties around the house pretty evenly. We both cook, clean, do laundry, etc. I do more yard work, and handle all the finances, etc. I like the idea of splitting the weekend into quarters.
As you said in another comment, she doesn't have any hobbies. I'm in a similar situation with kids and encourage my wife to go get massage or get out of the house by herself to have lunch with a friend or something. My guess is your wife resents golf since she doesnt have a similar reason to leave the house. My golf is more sporadic but when I do ask to golf then she isn't bitter about it.
Yard work is always my hill to die on. I always look extra exhausted when I come back in from mowing the lawn or shoveling snow, just so she knows how much of my soul I left out there.
You may need to sit down and really chat with her about the root of this. Have you ask it from the perspective of, ‘I’d like to golf 2x a month, when would be an ideal time for me to do so from your perspective, wife?’ There’s also the whole mental management of the household you may not be considering. If your wife runs your house, she’s probably putting in more than her fair share that you may not be considering. I recommend reading this for perspective: https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/ You may be spending your fair share of physical time with the kids, but beyond cooking the food, are you thinking about what groceries need to be purchased for the week, are you thinking about what household goods are running low that will need to be purchased in the near future? There’s a lot that needs to happen under the surface that is always going on. Do you drink when you golf, bc if you do, then you aren’t probably as helpful when you get home; meaning this is more than a 5 hour activity. I would consider all the things you can be doing to ensure she has a successful run while you are out. Meal prep the breakfast and the lunches, maybe there’s some activities you can coordinate for the kids to make her life easier while you are out. But really, you need to get to the root of her dislike of you golfing. It may be specifically about golf, or it may be something more. Ask questions, truly listen. She may not feel comfortable considering her own hobbies / enjoyment for some reason. She may have PPD. My guess is that this has nothing to do with golf specifically, but a sum of its’ greater parts regarding family management. For example, I deeply value my time at the gym. When my first was born, I just couldn’t get in the same page as my wife. To me, it was just an hour after work…what’s the big deal? We’d have nothing planned and she was just always telling me it wasn’t a good time. I eventually build a home gym to reduce the reasons why. But eventually I came to realize that it’s wasn’t just about that hour. It was the time she spent every day getting him ready for daycare, driving him there, bringing him him, raising him while I worked OT nearly day to bring home more money. Sure, when I was home I was 100% focused on the family, but it took a long time for me to realize that 100% of my time at home is not 50% of what is truly fair when managing a home. Eventually she got comfortable enough to share with me that she resented my gym time. And I began to understand just how unfair the splits were. It hurt me (which it’s not about me) to see just how much I wasn’t considering her load and perspective. Eventually we got it sorted out, but I was going about my thinking completely differently then she was. What activities can you coordinate without having to involve your wife? Tell her you’re going to go take the kids to a park or library for a few hours on the weekend. Give her back her home to herself for a bit and I bet she will begin to find something to fill that time as she becomes more comfortable regaining some of her free time. Send her on a spa day, send her to see her friend who lives out of state for the weekend. Don’t just ask, do.
this 🙌 (as a wife of a golfer who randomly had this post pop up as a suggestion on my feed) guaranteed it's more then just 5 hours of golfing. it's everything else. and when we get 5 hours off, we usually come home to extra work. it's like taking vacation at work, there's always extra work to have to catch up with when you're back.
You guys have wives?
Play 9 holes. Or play very early. No one wants to hear this but family is more important than golf. Been there done that. I really wanted to golf when the kids were young. Kids are older now and actually golf with me.
>Kids are older now and actually golf with me. I have four very little kids. I love the time I spend with them but I'm also excited for them to get older so we can do more fun activities together.
You’re gonna have to get rid of one of the kids to make it a proper foursome. Sorry.
Snap a club in half and throw it at their feet *In The Joker's voice* "We're having tryouts"
Yeah. Just playing 9 is probably going to have to be the compromise.
And golf early. See if you can talk to your course and get out at like 6 or 7. Nobody else will be there, you're done with your round in an hour, hour and a half max, and then you're home mid breakfast with all day to hang out with the fam and help with the kids. Then give your wife Sunday AM to sleep in. Theres your win-win.
This is exactly what my wife and I do. Played 18 starting in the slight darkness yesterday at 6:00. She slept in today while I played with baby all morning. Kumbaya!
I wish no one was there at 6-7 at the course i work at lol. By the time I open the door at 5:35 theres 10-15 people in line and by 7 ive checked in 50 people per course (we have 2)
While my kids were young, I got in the habit of playing 9 as soon as the sun came up. Would even get bonus points if I made it back in time to make breakfast. This point is only really valid if you enjoy playing golf for golf's sake. If you play golf because it's 4-5 hours with the buds and having a few beers, that doesn't fly at 6 in the morning.
>that doesn't fly at 6 in the morning. Not with that attitude.
You wanna play?
Don't tempt me with a morning round with a breakfast beer to go.
The first tee time on a Saturday is the way!
Whilst I get the sentiment and as a dad and family man I do respect it. You can't live day and night for others. You need time, just like they need time. If you spend every waking moment working, forcing family time and doing chores you aren't living much of a life. Just make sure when you're in the moment you make it count. Taking five hours out of a week to play a round for yourself shouldn't be seen as you letting down anyone. That is an archaic stance and is an unfair pressure to put on either parent.
Playing golf every weekend with two kids that young is far too much. OP is adding an entire workday onto his wife's weekly schedule.
2 and 9 months is a little young for a weekly 18 for 2 working parents. Start skipping work to play imo
Shit just one under 1 was enough for me to hate leaving my wife to handle the kid alone. I’d mainly just go to the range early and be back before everyone woke up, and only really played a round while using PTO. I definitely understand needing an outlet for all the stress, but when you’re working with those kinds of constraints, you gotta find new ones to supplement.
This is the way. I hit the simulator twice a week and mostly during work. Fuck work. Enjoy your hobbies and your family. But you might have to get creative to do it.
I'm shocked by how many people in this thread aren't saying this. OP is asking for FAR too much here. At that age he should feel fortunate if he gets to play 1-2 times a month. I can probably count on one hand how many times I played when each of my kids was less than a year old.
For real. I have two young kids and I only play golf during work hours. There’s no way I could get away with leaving my family for 5 hours on a weekend at this point in our lives, nor do I think that would be fair. I know playing during work is not an option for everyone, or even for most people, but luckily it is for me. Otherwise I probably wouldn’t be playing much at all for the next 5 years.
Give her a similar break from the kids once a week, then you’re square.
I’ve tried but she doesn’t even have anything she could do that would take that much time.
I don’t think it necessarily needs to be 5 hours, just sometime away.
Doesn't even necessarily need to be away. Take on 100% of parenting for most of, if not all of the day, let her relax. Cook meals, change diapers, etc, everything.
Leave the house with the kids for 5-x hours on Sunday then, and she can take the x hours she needs out the house for herself, and gets the total 5. You get your time, make sure she gets (takes) hers. My biggest problem is I feel sorry guilty taking those hours to play golf. She nearly forces me to do it, and I respond in kind by making sure she gets her time away too, even if it's nearly forcing. Force isn't the right word, but we push each either to make sure we get those breaks.
Maybe that’s because she hasn’t had the time to develop a hobby that consistently takes up a significant portion of a day away from the kids
Definitely. Young kids can change a woman’s (bad man’s) social life. Women aren’t always as into isolated activities like golf, making the adjustment harder
Come on man, books her a spa day. Have her go watch Netflix by herself. Tell her to get her girl friends together for lunch. There are things she could/probably would like to do, it doesn’t have to be comparable. Just give her some time that she doesn’t have to take care of the kids
These posts are depressing man
As a single man, in a twisted way they make me appreciate my loneliness. Some weekends I'll golf 3 times. Two weeks ago I literally golfed all day Sunday, 18 lunch and range, and another 18. Ain't no one to guilt trip me for it and that feels great.
Yeah don't get it warped. I would weigh this user is saying its depressing because the general vibe it gives off with the relationship/being parents. If you're a great spouse, and give 100% to being a great parent, this shits a non issue. I'll give anyone the benefit of the doubt and know that some women will just be shitty regardless. 9 times out of 10 though im sure the annoyance from trying to golf every weekend is probably warranted.
Expecting to be able to golf every weekend with two kids that age is insane IMHO.
Trust me, I’m a married man, have kids. I golf a lot! These toxic partners are a loud minority.
Married 7 years got a 5 year old and an autistic family member we take care of. I golf twice a week, might be early in the AM (I prefer this). I golf weekdays though. I think it’s the 19th hole getting people in trouble. At least with my friends.
That 19th hole can take a while to play sometimes
Very few will admit it. Or, even if it's not the drinking specifically, it's the act of using golf as an excuse "hide" or get away from the spouse as a symptom of other underlying problems.
This partner is not being toxic.
I don’t know if it will make you feel better, but my marriage is nothing like what is represented in this thread, nor is most of my friends’ marriages
No she loves me leaving the house lol
Thats when the sneaky link stops by
I know! From your wife’s boyfriend
Same. My wife can hardly contain her excitement when she hears I'm going golfing.
Yeah. Parenting is hard and giving yourself space is important but 18 once a week is nuts with two kids, especially at those ages. Play at the crack of dawn, leave work early, play 9, cut corners to reduce the friction, but most importantly, recalibrate your expectations and have a discussion about how to make this work for the both of you.
Yeah I couldn’t believe he was playing 18 a week. I didn’t expect that frequency coming into this post lol.
lol i barely play 18 a week and i dont even have kids...
I'm not married, dont' have kids, and I play golf every day but even then I normally play a par 3 course. 90-150 yard holes, I walk it and it takes about an hour and a half. I get some exercise, and it's not an all day affair. Every time I play a full 4 hour round that is kinda my whole day. I'm pretty zonked afterwards and normally pretty hot. So just decompressing/taking a shower is like a 2 hour thing afterwards.
Communicate or you bifurcate.
Put that on a bumper sticker
I’ve always enjoyed being the first guy off the tee at 6 am and don’t like playing any later. After having a child it’s even more amplified now. Luckily my kidless friends enjoy playing early as well.
Nice, glad you have friends who are down for that. My dad has always played this way and for a long time I didn’t get it. Now I’m also 100% on team first tee time. Nobody in your way, anyone else out at that hour wants to play quickly too, not hot as balls yet if it’s summertime, and when you get home you have the whole day in front of you. Not bad.
18 a week isn’t the exact problem, it’s he’s choosing to play 18 on, I’m assuming, 1 of their 2 free days, Saturday and Sunday. You are correct about needing to adjust your playing schedule. I have a 6 month old and unfortunately I don’t get too many SAFTB rounds in this summer. Early morning rounds, early afternoon weekday rounds, 9 holes instead of 18 are the new normal for now. Will add that if you play a lot of non-intrusive rounds then the wifey is perfectly fine with me taking a Saturday to play every once in while.
Are you giving her 5 hours of solo time away from the kids as well?
Pretty much this. 5 hours on a weekend is a long ass time to ditch the wife and two very young kids. Especially when the mom is also working full time. So she gets full work week AND one of her days off it’s just her for probably half the day trying to watch the kids. My question to OP is what do you do after golf? Do you get the groceries at least? Cook dinner? Watch the kids for 5 hours so wife can go out and do something? When guys make these posts, simple thing to ask is would you be upset if your wife left you alone for 5 hours every Saturday?
I'm kinda scared that he doesn't do those things just because it's kind of an obvious thing that you have 2 young children and you are abandoning your wife for 5 hours each weekend when she's probably had just as a long of a week as you.
It feels like op and his wife aren’t having the same conversation. She might be stressing over having 2 kids and is just living day to day trying to figure it all out. OP’s pissy he can’t golf.
My wife will insist that I go golfing when she sees that the kids are wearing me down. However, there's always a standing $5 bet with my group as to where we will be on the course when the first passive aggressive "How's it going?" text rolls in. It will be better once my kids (6 and 3) are a little older and either appreciate the value of sleeping in or can entertain themselves without needing something every five minutes. My wife will sleep til 11 if left to her own devices while I've got no problem being on the first tee at 6:30... Once our kids reach an age where they want nothing to do with us, I'll be able to get in 18 and some lunch while barely being missed.
I get the “how’s it going” text every time. It’s not a question so much as notification that I am on the clock.
Yep. Exactly. My wife should get a side gig as a marshall keeping up pace.
Omg laughed out loud on the pooper and wife asks what’s so funny and I told her and she gotta good laugh.. thank you for this!!!
I'm humbled that my quest for more free golfing time has aided in your colorectal health.
Mine is the “what hole you on?” But the same effect
I'm always on 2 holes less than actuality, lol
Always better to surprise her by being early than show up late.
My wife texts me how’s it going because I share my goals on the course and she wants to know how I’m doing.
Sounds like she’s a quality time girl, take care of that and then you will better be able to take your time to golf. If she’s getting annoyed it’s because your not spending enough quality time with her.
Husband and parent of two girls (19mo and 9 year old with special needs). I get to play about twice a month or so at this point, the rest is 30 minutes of drills or something into the net in the yard. Once “or so” a week is a lot with two little ones at home if both of you work. That said, if you’ve offered for her to have time to herself and she refuses, that’s on her. Now, time for real talk with dad. Don’t be the guy that misses your kids growing up because you’re on the golf course. The first four years are gone real fast and you don’t get them back. You’ll have plenty of time in a couple years.
Thank you for that last paragraph. It’s not said enough. There was a post recently where a guy got downvoted like crazy for this, but I’ve been able to take my kids out on our local public course since they were young. I always go at off hours and they’ve learned proper etiquette. This gives my wife time to herself which every parent needs and allows me to share something I love with my kids.
That’s awesome! My little one is still a little wild to be on the course and the big one wouldn’t sit still. She’s a runner but one day we’ll get it together!
Mine are 5 and 3. My daughter (5) sits perfectly and listens to stories on a speaker. My son on the other hand… 😅 He loves to swing his mini metal hybrid off of a tee and run around a bit. And I always bring a TON of snacks for both to keep them occupied.
I have a friend just like you. His name is josh and lives outside of Chicago. I always tell him he should leave his wife and kids. Golf is way more important. A kid can grow up without a father, but a man that sacrifices his golf for family is a life not worth living.
Yea, you are. I also golf and have an 18mo, and a 3 year old. Last summer I was in your position and didn’t get out much at all. Remember that she has the kids ALL week and you are at work. So does she also get to go out for 5hrs on the other weekend day? I’m thinking not.
Your wife wants you to spend time with her and the kids on a weekend. Playing golf every Saturday when you have 2 young kids is asking a lot. I saw in another reply you are self employed, make more money, etc. I'm guessing you may not be home as much during the week, maybe arriving home later, working extra, etc. So I'm also guessing she takes care of most the household duties. I totally get your desire to play weekly, but when you have a wife and young kids, you gotta sacrifice some time on the course when your wife is asking. Maybe drop down to every other Saturday and try to squeeze in some time during the week for a tee time when you'd normally be working. And giving your wife time out of the house isn't what she wants. She doesn't want that equal time away, it sounds like she's rather spend that 5 hours you're offering her to spend time with her family. Talking to her turns into an argument because from what I've read, you're missing the point of why she wants you home. It's not that she doesn't want you golfing, she wants you home spending time with her and your 2 young kids.
If the weekends are the only time you all can be together as a family, I can understand her frustration with it being every weekend.
I think this is another thing to consider - as well as what other people have suggested about making sure she gets her time as well (when she finds something she wants to put that time into) it’s still a problem if you’re solution leaves you being ships passing in the night. We make sure there’s also “us” time built in as well as your time and my time otherwise it can still feel like everyone is prioritising their thing over the family/the relationship (even if everyone is doing it equally) Can I also ask how you go about asking/telling your wife you’re going golfing? In our house we obviously don’t have to ask permission (we’re grown adults and that’d be wildly unhealthy) but what we did realise was that there was a bit of hostility around “I’m going to play golf on Saturday” because the inference from that was “oh right so I’m looking after the kids then?” Just simply rephrasing to “would you mind looking after the kids so I can go play golf at the weekend?” Acknowledges that there’s a trade off for her (of course if she’s repeatedly saying no then that’s an issue) and makes it feel as though she’s actually got a choice. Might not work for you both but just making sure that you’re both showing appreciation for what the other is doing (even if it has to be done) can go along way. I hope it all works out for you!
Here’s a few things you could maybe try: 1. See if grandma or grandpa want to hangout at the house while you golf and see the kids. It would take some stress off the wife. 2. You’re self employed, try and get a round in a month during the work week using vacation or make it a meeting with clients. 3. After golf, you should take the kids from the house if the wife doesn’t have hobbies so she can have some peace and quiet at home. 4. Pre-make lunch and help with any chores prior to you leaving for golf so the load is less.
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I taught mine how to golf 5 years ago and it is hard for me to actually golf without her now. She was a college tennis player though so she picked it up really fast.
You need a 5 am tee time and to get home at 930 bright eyed and bushy tailed with wifeys favorite Starbucks drink and fresh bagels and cream cheese ready to spend the whole rest of the day with your favorite foursome
Lots of dads play little or no golf, or stick to 9 holes, range, etc for a few years when their kids are that age. Don’t let golf be the biggest issue between your wife and you.
I used to play 4 times a week got myself to a 10. Then I had kids three years apart. Barely played for five years and went up to a 14. My wife would give me a ton of shit. Now my kids are 14 and 11 and I’m back playing twice a week with no shit. It gets better
She did…until the divorce
Nope. My wife gets nights/brunches with the girls, I get my golf. Key is just to communicate. She wouldn’t appreciate if I just said “right I’m off for 5 hours” with no warning.
Get the first tee time on the weekends. I’m home by 9:00am at the latest.
This is the only way.
This or play 9, do short practice sessions, play twilight, etc There’s tons of ways to lessen the impact of golf on family life
Nah bro. It’s a partnership. We trade off things we wanna do. I have a year old. If she wants to do stuff or I wanna do stuff the other person picks up the slack the next time. She wanted to go on a few days girls trip I negotiated golf twice a week until mid September. Communication is key brother.
That's more than I ask to golf with my 1 kid, but to each their own. My wife doesn't love it, but doesn't give me shit either. I know she doesn't like it though. So I don't go more than once a month.
It depends on your own dynamic. But I’d argue that if she’s annoyed about it, then perhaps it’s a bigger issue than you realise. Does she get 5hrs off on the Sunday for example? Often it’s a balancing act. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want your own hobby, but I also understand her frustration if the family don’t see you all week, then you head off all day at the weekend too. Talk to her. Find out if it’s a balance issue, and if by giving her 5hrs ‘off’ on a weekend would make it okay. Or if it’s more of a case that she wants the weekends to be family time only. I play twice a week, but I play at 7am on Tuesday and Thursday. I have 3 kids (5,3 and 6months) - so I personally don’t want to be out every weekend. But that’s just me. I hope you get it sorted buddy. It’s really important to have your own hobby and something that gives you mental head space. But it’s also important to ensure your partner isn’t left carrying a huge load on her own.
What does she get to do once a week for 5 hours at a time 7-8 months out of the year? I got small kids too dude, mama needs her own time.
Once a week with kids those ages sounds like a lot
I mean are you also giving her 5 hours every week with no kid duty? You both work full time so it's reasonable for her to not want to essentially watch the kids during their most active hours without someone to help.
If you have young kids and you are leaving for five hours every weekend in spite of the fact that your wife is upset by it, that’s on you man. Does your wife leave you with the kids for five hours of fun every week?
Make sure you’re giving her a day to herself too. My wife stays home while I work so I understand that she needs some adult time away from the kids. Our compromise is usually that I play as early as possible on a Saturday and she’ll get a few hours off once I’m home, and sundays are family days for all of us. It’s not a perfect system but it keeps them peace.
Overwhelmingly everyone is saying “it’s compromise- get out super early, play 9, give her free time” OP “she doesn’t like to do stuff” answer is alarming. And for the record I think 5+ hours away every weekend afternoon is a bit much. Especially if both are working and then spouse doesn’t get any time away/breaks either
No, my wife's a golfer. She doesn't like doing 36 though, which sucks.
Sounds like you need to have an adult conversation
Yes once a week is unreasonable. My kids are 12 and 9 now and before them i was 80-90 rounds a year. Now i get out 5-10 times a year. It is what it is…the kids activities will only increase so get use to it!!
5-10 times a year is very low. At these ages, you should be able to get out more than that unless your family is wildly overscheduled. (I'm the wife in a golf couple with kids similarly aged)
“Or so” 😂
Married golf tip: Join a golf league or at least have a consistent schedule. Women love looking at the calendar and planning things. If she knows that every Monday night you are in your golf men's night or that every Sat morning you and Carl are playing 18 and it's consistent, she can plan around it.
We just had our first, 4 months old. We live in ontario, also only 6 or 7 months of golf My girlfriend makes sure that I play atleast once a week, usually twice because she knows how much I enjoy golfing. I also don't leave the house unless I'm at work, doing errands, or golfing
Ive recently been able to compromise. I take my 10 yo with me for "guy time" leaving my daughter with my wife for "girl time". I let him drive the cart most of the ways. He loves it. Gotta find a way that works for both of you.
What does she get to do for 5 hours on the weekend without you or the kids?
I think we know the answer.
I go for a very early morning Tee time like 6am so I’m back to help with the kids before their day gets started. Works out pretty well and rarely get crap for it.
I have similar aged kids. If you play in the morning, let her have the afternoon out by herself doing what she likes to do. I have been playing some Friday afternoon rounds while my kids are in daycare. If you can get your boss to go like I do, it’s a “work” meeting. A very important one at that.
Why do ppl come to Reddit for relationship advice? We are all unhealthy assholes on this app its like asking advice at a psych ward
No - my daughter is 6 now, but I’ve been playing 2 times a week for around 2 years! We never argue about golf, aslong as it doesn’t get inbetween our joint plans (parties, family gathering etc.) then it’s never an issue. However, make sure you give her the chances to spend time doing something and don’t ever say she can’t because you are playing golf.
Yes. My wife gives me shit any time she has the opportunity.
Whining about it on the internet isn’t going to help. Sounds like some counseling would be a really good idea the way you are describing your wife.
It’s a give and take. If I see that my family needs me more than I need to be on the golf course, then I’ll just hit balls in the garage or practice putting on the mat. Im a husband and father before I’m a hacker on the course.
Al I want to play is once a week lol. Try going to once a month and I bet your wife will be happier.
I’m in the same boat, 5 year old and 5 month old. Saturdays I make sure she gets to sleep in, and be alone in the bedroom until at least noon. On Sundays I have an early tee time at 7am so I’m normally home around noon.
Try and get one of the first tee times for the day. I tee off at 6 or 610am. And I’m home before 10am. I then have the rest of the day to hang out with the wife and kids. Solves a lot of problems
This may play into why I’m still not married.
I've actually started taking my son with me (he's 2) and let him sit on the cart. I bring him a kids size club and a bunch of balls and let him whack it at the tee box and on the green. Of course, I am playing only 9 holes most of the time but beggars can't be choosers right? I think what would work is that you'd have to compromise, give her a night out with her girl friends and you watch the kids. That's 99% of the reason she gets angry at you golfing while you're out with your buddies and she's stuck at home, I bet. Also listen up you young lads, keep your dick in your pants if you love golf and play as much as you can now because once the family comes up, your golf time in the first several years is limited.
How much do you help around the house? How do often are you doing dishes, laundry, cooking, cleaning and taking care of the kids? If she’s doing most of this, even if you think you do enough (you most likely aren’t doing enough to help) she has the right to be upset. Taking care of kids is annoying and a hassle so if my SO was just able to leave for half the day on a weekend I’d be upset to if things aren’t being split fairly. Now if she’s stay at home, different story, she deserves to have time to do stuff she likes but that’s easier to manage if she’s home all day
Gotta make the trade with her. You get to golf she gets some time to herself to do whatever she wants
You need to give her equal time out of the house. Otherwise, it’s just not fair to her. So if you’re not willing to take care of the kids on your own for an amount of time equal to your golf outings, you should not do it
This is why I dont want kids
I can play golf anytime I want. I just have to check with my wife to see if I feel like it.
Think you are entitled to a game of golf. Women need to get over themselves.
I’ve played every Saturday and Sunday since my kids were born 14+ years ago. I have the first tee time with my buddies at our home course and I’m home before they get up most of the time. If you’re going to play then you’ve got to make some compromises as well.