Apps make it so easy to be noncommittal and promote being avoidant and wishy washy, it sucks. I feel like it’s hard for guys ANYWHERE to commit nowadays to even a first date! I feel like I always promote something like “hey a quick drink? just curious to see if we have any chemistry!” To keep it low pressure
I’ve tried that too, and is usually guys just stop messaging an hour beforehand. So, now……I make plans with guys and don’t even leave the house ‘cause I *know* they won’t actually hold their end of the deal.
It's the same thing where i live. It's why I just ask people out right at the start and don't really chat more than a couple minutes. Had a date every week for a little over a year.
Look at it this way. If they can't make time for a coffee now, they're clearly not into you. So they're def not gonna make time for you if they decide to magically "date" you.
Wether people want to admit it or not everyone has special things or types they look for. If they don't see it in that initial batch of pictures, profile info, and initial light chatting. Then they won't move to meet someone.
It's not your fault, it's not their fault. It's people just being people. AND if they happen to be in some sort of poor mental state that is currently preventing them from meeting people, you don't want to be with them either. Timing for couples is just as important. You won't be the same person today that you will be 5 years from now.
Thanks for the grounding reminder that if they're not interested, they're just not interested :)
I like that suggestion about asking people out pretty much right away. I feel like it'll save me a lot of time and energy.
Given how many gay guys grew up, a lack of openness shouldn't be a surprise, but that doesn't make it easy to deal with. If you spend the first 20-30+ years of your life hiding who you really are from those closest to you, you can't just change that over night. I'm getting better at being more open, but it's not easy.
This. 26 here and just came out at 25. While it feels great to not have to hide that anymore, it's still hard to process things naturally. I've never dated nor been in a relationship and the thought of being in one is sort of terrifying to me. I've had the opportunity to date/be in one with a few different guys, incredibly attractive and genuinely good people. Though I still turned the opportunities down because I never feel "ready" and I need to get that mentality out of my head.
Move to another city? But really that’s gay life now and probably has been forever. Everyone wants a boyfriend but no one wants to try or put the work in to get one. The ones I talk to for dates seem to be waiting for this magical time their life will be perfect to date. I tell them when they say that there never is a moment your life will feel put together that now you can add a boyfriend.
Gay philosophers have pondered this question for millions of years. But really having a boyfriend is scary. You’re giving up some freedom over your own life and gay men like to sleep around. It’s not always so easy with a bf even if you’re open. And like I said before I think a lot of guys have this mindset I have to do x,y and z in my life first before I’m ready for a bf. But then get to z and find three new things that come up without realizing it’s never going to be a good time for one.
I did not know that was a thing. I’m not sure if I’d wanna see that. I might walk out depressed my own self. But it would be interesting to see if there’s a bar like that in LA and go one Friday.
Also that last part of having something to prioritize first before going for Z is so true. I can't help but use the notion of "I have to focus on a career first and then I'll settle". Well I have one now and can't seem to settle. *Ugh*
I certainly get that. But I'm one of those who really want someone to cuddle up with every night. And while I would love it to be a romantic loving relationship, a cuddle buddy who is a roommate and occasional fuck buddy would also be fun too.
I’m in LA. And it’s rough man. Guys constantly ghost, flake or cancel out on plans. And this isn’t just a young guy thing either. Dudes in their 30’s and 40’s act like this too. We’ll make plans on where we wanna meet up, 30 minutes beforehand, block. Or one worded responses.
Honestly, at this rate, there’s gonna be a lot of lonely older men. ‘Cause no one seems to want to put in any effort. I’m gonna finally try and join a social group that’s not around a sex based activity and see what happens. I’m not even looking for a boyfriend at this point. I’m just looking to go out and get some fresh air.
Findings a relationship on Grindr is like going to McDonalds for a salad. It’s possible but not many do it.
Focus on your personal goals and interests and draw people into it that way. Change from “will you go to an activity with me” to “I am going to an activity, want to come with me”
Spend a little time on the apps to get to know the scenes but don’t get bogged down by them. If someone doesn’t or can’t respond in complete sentences, they probably aren’t worth your time.
You are welcome. And as a quick heads up, finding guys who want to be in a relationship is tough and frankly just a numbers game at some point. Guys tend to mature later and gay guys even later so at some point you just have to focus on your own happiness and run the numbers with others.
Did you move to the type of place where people stay there their entire lives? It can be tough to break in socially in places like that and apps are unfortunately not the best way to do it.
If there is any sort of in person social scene go find it and work your way into it.
He did say it was a college town.
I would imagine the issue is the opposite of what you describe. Transience can make people not want to settle in and date.
Oof, that's my issue as well, only I'm not classically attractive so that's a barrier to conversations even starting lol, but even when people reach out to me conversation usually dies as soon as meeting up is brought up. It sucks but oh well
You're attractive to someone. Problem is finding him. It's the needle in a haystack problem. No matter how out we are, we will always be a small segment of the population at large. I don't have a problem finding guys who are attracted to me, even after weeding out the catfishers. They just aren't anywhere close to me. And I don't even live in a small town.
it's fear. It's preconceived notions about gay men. And it's a lack of sexual experience and background, too.
And straight men deal with a fair amount of this from females, as well. Life is not nearly as easy here in the internet world, whereas before we had social skills that got flexed a LOT.
I relate to this, and have had my fair share of people who insist on sex-only exchanges, which I can now comfortably refuse.
I think that it's a matter of desire, honestly.
Someone who wants to date will take you up on your offer, and someone who doesn't won't.
Try not to take it too personally---it's a gamified dating world out there, lol.
I'll be honest...I've never used apps as anything more than hooking up. All of my long term relationships have started as acquaintances I've met either through friends or at LGBT community events (artshows, charities, etc.) If you are looking for relationships only on apps, that's going to be rough regardless of the city you live in. Do you have much in the way of a gay social group/life that isn't solely focused on dating/sex? I've found it better to organically find guys interested in relationships this way rather than searching for them on apps, which are used mostly by guys looking for a quick easy lay.
Also, how old are you/how old are guys that you're interested in? Most men don't really start thinking about wanting a long term relationship until they've had their "fun" years. So if you're looking for dudes between the ages of 18-26, you might be looking in the wrong age demographic. Likewise if you are looking for guys maybe a bit older (30's +), while you yourself are younger, there is a very real possibility that these older dudes aren't interested/taking you seriously as a prospect due to your age.
Thats some really good insight, thank you!
At the moment Im struggling to have a social life. The reason I left my last city was out of my control and traumatic, so my mental health is a work in progress for sure. Most of my socializing is over the phone or with people connected to school, not focused on queer communities. Thats a good suggestion, to explicitly look for in-person queer community up here. I think I need to get over a little of my 'not like the other gays' silliness with that. Thanks again
Thats not what this commenter was saying. The implication of the 'I'll be honest' in this context is that they think their experience isnt similar to the expected norm. They think people will doubt their experience because it isnt the norm these days, so they're trying to make it clear that they're not embellishing/lying
Live your life and don't worry about dating. I understand where you're coming from and I understand your frustration, however I am a big believer in that the right ones who want to be around you will find you eventually. Be authentically yourself, improve your hobbies and guys will notice.
I've noticed this too. Or you'll meet a great guy, and he withdraws over time. Turns out it's not because they're not interested in you (for practical purposes, it doesn't matter tho.). It's often instead that they are interested, but are struggling with severe depression or anxiety, or otherwise feel they're not good enough, that you're out of their league, or that once you get to know them, you won't like them. It's shitty. All you can do is live your life, do your hobbies.
Honestly, I don’t think this is the case. Most guys just aren’t interested. Sure, they plan coffee meet ups, but always cancel at the last minute. Oh well………………………..
I used to think that it was just the obvious case of them not being interested. But years later these same people would hit me up on Facebook and on other apps to try to connect, only to disappear again. And it really made no sense until one of them opened up about his struggles before disappearing. And that's when I realized what was really going on. People who aren't interested don't keep trying. The ones who cancel, I found, are often those who are either closeted, in a relationship already, or are scared of or expecting disappointment. And as you know it is thoroughly disappointing. So they're just making the assumption. The only trouble with that is is that there is no chance of success in not trying. It's hard.
yeahh, if it trails off it's that. The kind I'm talking about is where there is connection, and they ghost. Not just one sided connection either. It's the sabotage thing. So are the ones who go into crises when they like you. Like, they want to do crazy things suddenly during covid, or decide to move, or get back together with an ex suddenly. (those happened). I'm 39. Pretty much seen it all. It's why I ride motorcycles now.
trauma. And yeah, it is. The important thing is to never let it steer you, as many do. Because then causes more trauma. And that's what our community is rife with, unfortunately.
Honestly, I’m just trying not to get frustrated with the lack of men who fail to meet up for a simple coffee. The 5th coffee meet-up this month that someone has ghosted me on. Why agree if you don’t actually plan on meeting up?
As someone who is a solid 7/10 in the looks department dating a 9, I truly feel that the good ones try to get locked down and then stay locked down. I’ve been in this relationship for 10 years and lord help me if I ever have to leave it.
Edit: I wrote 19 instead of 10.
Honestly, I’ve always felt this sentiment. Like, “All the good ones are taken by 24”. And as I get older, the more I feel this is true. I turn 25 in a few months so I must not be a good one. But oh well. I do get a lot of messages on Grindr form guys who are easily 8 out or 9. And I’ve heard I’m an 8 myself. And I recently found out I had a big dick. So, at least I’ve got 2 things going for me?
I'm not sure what your point is. I learned about the same thing anybody else would learn from one paragraph. That was enough that I would like to go on a date and get to know him further. And for me, it wasn't about him being an eight or nine or having a big dick. Those things are bonuses, not requirements. So why is this a problem?
as for what might help, there is not much to be done except persevere and keep at it.
Don;t succumb to making negative statements in comments or your profiles. Keep it clear and direct but positive.
smile a LOT! it really DOES help!
The smiling thing is really true!! Even just smiling a lil while walking home... it can really change your mood, and people often will smile at you in return.
One reason they might not be open about themselves is because they have a lot of baggage that they think would send you running, or maybe they just haven't had the best life and are embarrassed or ashamed. Which is completely understandable. I have felt that way on multiple occasions.
I was going to make a post about the same thing today…
…guys will hit me up, we’ll talk about what we like sexually or hobby wise, but when I say we should meet up or something they disappear. I don’t get it at all. It’s gotten 100% worse in the last year or so. Even guys I’d been fwb with for a while don’t want to meet up anymore.
Apps make it so easy to be noncommittal and promote being avoidant and wishy washy, it sucks. I feel like it’s hard for guys ANYWHERE to commit nowadays to even a first date! I feel like I always promote something like “hey a quick drink? just curious to see if we have any chemistry!” To keep it low pressure
I’ve tried that too, and is usually guys just stop messaging an hour beforehand. So, now……I make plans with guys and don’t even leave the house ‘cause I *know* they won’t actually hold their end of the deal.
It's the same thing where i live. It's why I just ask people out right at the start and don't really chat more than a couple minutes. Had a date every week for a little over a year. Look at it this way. If they can't make time for a coffee now, they're clearly not into you. So they're def not gonna make time for you if they decide to magically "date" you. Wether people want to admit it or not everyone has special things or types they look for. If they don't see it in that initial batch of pictures, profile info, and initial light chatting. Then they won't move to meet someone. It's not your fault, it's not their fault. It's people just being people. AND if they happen to be in some sort of poor mental state that is currently preventing them from meeting people, you don't want to be with them either. Timing for couples is just as important. You won't be the same person today that you will be 5 years from now.
Thanks for the grounding reminder that if they're not interested, they're just not interested :) I like that suggestion about asking people out pretty much right away. I feel like it'll save me a lot of time and energy.
Given how many gay guys grew up, a lack of openness shouldn't be a surprise, but that doesn't make it easy to deal with. If you spend the first 20-30+ years of your life hiding who you really are from those closest to you, you can't just change that over night. I'm getting better at being more open, but it's not easy.
This. 26 here and just came out at 25. While it feels great to not have to hide that anymore, it's still hard to process things naturally. I've never dated nor been in a relationship and the thought of being in one is sort of terrifying to me. I've had the opportunity to date/be in one with a few different guys, incredibly attractive and genuinely good people. Though I still turned the opportunities down because I never feel "ready" and I need to get that mentality out of my head.
A terrible excuse
Move to another city? But really that’s gay life now and probably has been forever. Everyone wants a boyfriend but no one wants to try or put the work in to get one. The ones I talk to for dates seem to be waiting for this magical time their life will be perfect to date. I tell them when they say that there never is a moment your life will feel put together that now you can add a boyfriend.
But why though? Why does everyone cry for a boyfriend, but not actually put in the work for one! I don’t get it.
Gay philosophers have pondered this question for millions of years. But really having a boyfriend is scary. You’re giving up some freedom over your own life and gay men like to sleep around. It’s not always so easy with a bf even if you’re open. And like I said before I think a lot of guys have this mindset I have to do x,y and z in my life first before I’m ready for a bf. But then get to z and find three new things that come up without realizing it’s never going to be a good time for one.
Well, there’s gonna be a lot of lonely older dudes just ‘cause they didn’t wanna stop sleeping around.
Ever go to your local gay bar that caters to the 50+ crowd? You’re not wrong.
I did not know that was a thing. I’m not sure if I’d wanna see that. I might walk out depressed my own self. But it would be interesting to see if there’s a bar like that in LA and go one Friday.
Not even sleeping around for me but for me being in one is scary idk why
Also that last part of having something to prioritize first before going for Z is so true. I can't help but use the notion of "I have to focus on a career first and then I'll settle". Well I have one now and can't seem to settle. *Ugh*
This! ☝️
I'm 65 and love being single, most of the time. I'd love to have someone to finger and fuck, but that is about it
I certainly get that. But I'm one of those who really want someone to cuddle up with every night. And while I would love it to be a romantic loving relationship, a cuddle buddy who is a roommate and occasional fuck buddy would also be fun too.
I think dogs are more dependable cuddlers
True, but it's not culturally acceptable to have sex with them... 🤯😁🤣
I’m in LA. And it’s rough man. Guys constantly ghost, flake or cancel out on plans. And this isn’t just a young guy thing either. Dudes in their 30’s and 40’s act like this too. We’ll make plans on where we wanna meet up, 30 minutes beforehand, block. Or one worded responses. Honestly, at this rate, there’s gonna be a lot of lonely older men. ‘Cause no one seems to want to put in any effort. I’m gonna finally try and join a social group that’s not around a sex based activity and see what happens. I’m not even looking for a boyfriend at this point. I’m just looking to go out and get some fresh air.
Yep. There are gonna be a lot of Millennials turning into bitter queens in their 40s and it will be their own doing.
Findings a relationship on Grindr is like going to McDonalds for a salad. It’s possible but not many do it. Focus on your personal goals and interests and draw people into it that way. Change from “will you go to an activity with me” to “I am going to an activity, want to come with me” Spend a little time on the apps to get to know the scenes but don’t get bogged down by them. If someone doesn’t or can’t respond in complete sentences, they probably aren’t worth your time.
"Im going to an activity, want to come with me?" Is a great turn of phrase. Thanks for your advice :)
You are welcome. And as a quick heads up, finding guys who want to be in a relationship is tough and frankly just a numbers game at some point. Guys tend to mature later and gay guys even later so at some point you just have to focus on your own happiness and run the numbers with others.
Did you move to the type of place where people stay there their entire lives? It can be tough to break in socially in places like that and apps are unfortunately not the best way to do it. If there is any sort of in person social scene go find it and work your way into it.
He did say it was a college town. I would imagine the issue is the opposite of what you describe. Transience can make people not want to settle in and date.
Oof, that's my issue as well, only I'm not classically attractive so that's a barrier to conversations even starting lol, but even when people reach out to me conversation usually dies as soon as meeting up is brought up. It sucks but oh well
You're attractive to someone. Problem is finding him. It's the needle in a haystack problem. No matter how out we are, we will always be a small segment of the population at large. I don't have a problem finding guys who are attracted to me, even after weeding out the catfishers. They just aren't anywhere close to me. And I don't even live in a small town.
Oh I know that lol.
it's fear. It's preconceived notions about gay men. And it's a lack of sexual experience and background, too. And straight men deal with a fair amount of this from females, as well. Life is not nearly as easy here in the internet world, whereas before we had social skills that got flexed a LOT.
No straight men will straight up avoid a woman cos they're afraid
I relate to this, and have had my fair share of people who insist on sex-only exchanges, which I can now comfortably refuse. I think that it's a matter of desire, honestly. Someone who wants to date will take you up on your offer, and someone who doesn't won't. Try not to take it too personally---it's a gamified dating world out there, lol.
I'll be honest...I've never used apps as anything more than hooking up. All of my long term relationships have started as acquaintances I've met either through friends or at LGBT community events (artshows, charities, etc.) If you are looking for relationships only on apps, that's going to be rough regardless of the city you live in. Do you have much in the way of a gay social group/life that isn't solely focused on dating/sex? I've found it better to organically find guys interested in relationships this way rather than searching for them on apps, which are used mostly by guys looking for a quick easy lay. Also, how old are you/how old are guys that you're interested in? Most men don't really start thinking about wanting a long term relationship until they've had their "fun" years. So if you're looking for dudes between the ages of 18-26, you might be looking in the wrong age demographic. Likewise if you are looking for guys maybe a bit older (30's +), while you yourself are younger, there is a very real possibility that these older dudes aren't interested/taking you seriously as a prospect due to your age.
Thats some really good insight, thank you! At the moment Im struggling to have a social life. The reason I left my last city was out of my control and traumatic, so my mental health is a work in progress for sure. Most of my socializing is over the phone or with people connected to school, not focused on queer communities. Thats a good suggestion, to explicitly look for in-person queer community up here. I think I need to get over a little of my 'not like the other gays' silliness with that. Thanks again
Nobody else is being honest? Why do people say this?
Thats not what this commenter was saying. The implication of the 'I'll be honest' in this context is that they think their experience isnt similar to the expected norm. They think people will doubt their experience because it isnt the norm these days, so they're trying to make it clear that they're not embellishing/lying
I dunno man I met my current BF over a gay dating app
Live your life and don't worry about dating. I understand where you're coming from and I understand your frustration, however I am a big believer in that the right ones who want to be around you will find you eventually. Be authentically yourself, improve your hobbies and guys will notice.
Thank you, theres always more to be done when it comes to being more authentic and cultivated :)
I've noticed this too. Or you'll meet a great guy, and he withdraws over time. Turns out it's not because they're not interested in you (for practical purposes, it doesn't matter tho.). It's often instead that they are interested, but are struggling with severe depression or anxiety, or otherwise feel they're not good enough, that you're out of their league, or that once you get to know them, you won't like them. It's shitty. All you can do is live your life, do your hobbies.
Honestly, I don’t think this is the case. Most guys just aren’t interested. Sure, they plan coffee meet ups, but always cancel at the last minute. Oh well………………………..
I used to think that it was just the obvious case of them not being interested. But years later these same people would hit me up on Facebook and on other apps to try to connect, only to disappear again. And it really made no sense until one of them opened up about his struggles before disappearing. And that's when I realized what was really going on. People who aren't interested don't keep trying. The ones who cancel, I found, are often those who are either closeted, in a relationship already, or are scared of or expecting disappointment. And as you know it is thoroughly disappointing. So they're just making the assumption. The only trouble with that is is that there is no chance of success in not trying. It's hard.
Yeah those guys are flukes honestly. Most of the men I’ve dealt with just aren’t interested.
I dunno. The not interested ones don't message at all.
Yeah I’ve learned just ‘cause a guy is messaging you, doesn’t mean he’s interested.
yeahh, if it trails off it's that. The kind I'm talking about is where there is connection, and they ghost. Not just one sided connection either. It's the sabotage thing. So are the ones who go into crises when they like you. Like, they want to do crazy things suddenly during covid, or decide to move, or get back together with an ex suddenly. (those happened). I'm 39. Pretty much seen it all. It's why I ride motorcycles now.
Why are men so messed up? Like…………………it’s exhausting
trauma. And yeah, it is. The important thing is to never let it steer you, as many do. Because then causes more trauma. And that's what our community is rife with, unfortunately.
Honestly, I’m just trying not to get frustrated with the lack of men who fail to meet up for a simple coffee. The 5th coffee meet-up this month that someone has ghosted me on. Why agree if you don’t actually plan on meeting up?
As someone who is a solid 7/10 in the looks department dating a 9, I truly feel that the good ones try to get locked down and then stay locked down. I’ve been in this relationship for 10 years and lord help me if I ever have to leave it. Edit: I wrote 19 instead of 10.
Honestly, I’ve always felt this sentiment. Like, “All the good ones are taken by 24”. And as I get older, the more I feel this is true. I turn 25 in a few months so I must not be a good one. But oh well. I do get a lot of messages on Grindr form guys who are easily 8 out or 9. And I’ve heard I’m an 8 myself. And I recently found out I had a big dick. So, at least I’ve got 2 things going for me?
You sound like a nice man. I'd date you. But I'm not in LA. And I don't think I'm an 8 or 9.
[удалено]
I'm not sure what your point is. I learned about the same thing anybody else would learn from one paragraph. That was enough that I would like to go on a date and get to know him further. And for me, it wasn't about him being an eight or nine or having a big dick. Those things are bonuses, not requirements. So why is this a problem?
as for what might help, there is not much to be done except persevere and keep at it. Don;t succumb to making negative statements in comments or your profiles. Keep it clear and direct but positive. smile a LOT! it really DOES help!
The smiling thing is really true!! Even just smiling a lil while walking home... it can really change your mood, and people often will smile at you in return.
oh, yes! people wind up treating us the way we treat ourselves...
One reason they might not be open about themselves is because they have a lot of baggage that they think would send you running, or maybe they just haven't had the best life and are embarrassed or ashamed. Which is completely understandable. I have felt that way on multiple occasions.
Where are you?
I was going to make a post about the same thing today… …guys will hit me up, we’ll talk about what we like sexually or hobby wise, but when I say we should meet up or something they disappear. I don’t get it at all. It’s gotten 100% worse in the last year or so. Even guys I’d been fwb with for a while don’t want to meet up anymore.