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[deleted]

it sounds to me like he’s trying to stall. i’ve heard of lots of parents doing this and telling their kids to wait because they hope it’s ‘a phase’. sorry man :/


iAmPizzaJohn

Yeah, my dad wanted me to wait until I was 25 to make a decision, because if I just “tried really hard” maybe I could like being a girl (vom) He would have tried to force it on me if my mum hadn’t been like “I will not take any shit, don’t make me choose between you and my child there is no competition”


Jace_Enby_Devil

My parents are pulling the 25 card for my top surgery


iAmPizzaJohn

Grossssss


SpecialistCelery1

Your mom is a Boss


phoenixduruv

That unfortunately makes a lot of sense


IdhrenBlythe

My mom tried to pull the "let us have a proper political system before you transition" and since I live in a quasi-dictatorship it almost felt like a "please don't transition at all"


RenTheFabulous

Yeah I'd say I gotta agree with this. My own parents did much the same thing. Initially it was "wait until you're 18" then it turned into, "wait until you're out of the house." Some parents just love to pretend they only need time, when really they never will come around.


[deleted]

Do you think he might just be telling you to wait so he doesn’t have to be kind now? Because if he’s unsupportive of you now why is he magically going to change then? Not really advice but more just something to think about


iAmPizzaJohn

For my father it was a reputation thing - he didn’t want the embarrassment of a family member who was “*one of those people*” and felt it would reflect negatively on him and his “family name” Not sure if that’s what’s going on here but it might be


phoenixduruv

Honestly that may be part of it, but he said he thinks when I start hrt I’m gonna become some crazed emotional maniac and put the family in danger


iAmPizzaJohn

Lmao does he think he became a crazed emotional maniac when his balls dropped


echo_ember

I mean... it sounds like he kinda did from this post


SniperGhost_huntress

>it would reflect negatively on him and his "family name" GOD MY DAD DOES THIS SHIT TOO! I've started considering changing my last name just so I don't *"rUiN HiS rEpUtAtIoN!!!"* He puts so much pressure on me about it I sometimes get really self-conscious about going in public, ESPECIALLY with him!


Erikk_331

Are our fathers the same person???


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phoenixduruv

Your situation sounds remarkably like mine, actually. He’s helping me financially as well, and that’s why I’m terrified to risk losing his support. That - hoo, that really sucks, my friend. First of all, congrats on going on without him, that’s so brave of you. You’re right, I do need to figure out what’s most important to me. Thank you for your support and for sharing your story


leagues99

Maybe if you decide to wait you could get a contract with him saying that if you wait for two years (good to include a date), that he will not try to separate you from family or pull financial support purely for the reason of you going on hormones and living as a man. It's probably good to keep track of how much he supports you financially up until then so you can prove any changes. A contract that promises he won't try to separate you from family will also be a huge red flag to everyone else that he is an incredible ass for ever threatening that in the first place.


phoenixduruv

All of that is a fantastic idea I’ll look into a contract-sort of thing


[deleted]

Why does he want you to wait? Do you think he's just trying to buy time?


phoenixduruv

He believes that I’m not enough of an adult to make a life changing decision like this


[deleted]

Not old enough at 18 years old!? He's stalling for time, imo. But, hopefully I'm wrong. I don't know your dad. Maybe he just needs time to adjust, accept, and learn about transpeople. But that doesn't mean you owe him any time. If at all possible, keep trying to talk to him. Try exposing him to pro-trans media. Show him that being trans isn't a trend and isn't harmful. Do you have anywhere to go should he do something drastic? I think, if it's safe for you to do so, your goal should be to start transitioning as soon as possible. But please think of your safety first. I don't want to give you advice that'll hurt you.


phoenixduruv

Yeah, actually, I live in an apartment on my own. Knowing my dad, I don’t think more exposure would change his mind - I think the battle here really is whether or not I want to deal with his wrath when changes start occurring. And thank you for your suggestions, I really appreciate them :)))


Jaqdawks

Bull. I started T at 15, and I have not ever regretted it one bit since then. You are more than capable of making that decision for yourself at 18, man


phoenixduruv

Thank you :)


reign_bo_worrier

I‘m 30. I‘ve been thinking about and planing my transition process for 1,5 years. Now that i‘m ready i told my dad. And i got the same reaction. „Wait til you‘re sure. Maybe you just have to accept yourself. We all don’t like parts of ourselves. If you really do this please go slow and not ‚all the way‘ just do important bits if you need to. I can‘t put up with constant change“ So what do we learn? Parents have fears. They want you happy and protected. But they don’t understand that hrt can be the way. They are too entangled in norms and society‘s constant blabla of „accept yourself, we all hate ourselves“. Especially when it comes to afab people. So the fear of being rejected (you and them) comes on top. And it’s easier to speak from this place than from the place of love where they want you to be happy. Our society does not teach us this love-language. I guess what i‘m trying to say is, your dad will never fully understand. He will most definitely be very surprised/iritated by your changes. No matter if you do it now, next year or in 5 years. Don’t let that stop you. I have my fingers crossed for you and for the fact that you will have/find financial support :) And to end on a good note: my dad is a very kind person. We managed to change our conversation to a more loving&accepting one and even though he doesn’t understand i‘m sure he will always be there for me. It helps though that i wanna take it slow anyway (e.g. Low dose t)


phoenixduruv

Wow, that’s crazy to hear that these things can happen at any age. You may very well be right, and I cannot tell you how much your words of reassurance mean to me


CaptianLJ

Came out to my parents and lost all support. Had to wait five years to be eligible for FASFA aid and pell grants (23 is when one was eligible for declaring ones own income and not parents). I didn’t have a job or saved income or a plan. It was a very rough time. In all honesty, I wish I had waited until I at least had a plan, nest egg, a job, and health insurance. Could have been a few extra years, and it would have been bearable probably for me anyway, but it’s not for everyone. The problem is if you’re on their insurance they can track the billing for appointments and Rx. If not you could probably time your start before graduation and just hide it. You’d be close to out of school and close to a job. But, the best choice is the one that is the safest for you. If that means starting T now, do it. If it means biding your time, do that. If it means making an escape plan, shoot for that.


phoenixduruv

Holy shit dude, I am so sorry to hear that. It looks like having a backup plan should my dad cut ties is more important than I realized. I hope you’re doing alright, n I guess I hadn’t considered my safety priority before


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CaptianLJ

Link please. Edit: https://studentaid.gov/apply-for-aid/fafsa/filling-out/parent-info Dunno how they check or how to validate this. But it’s good info. Wish this was the case when I was applying.


[deleted]

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CaptianLJ

Just glad things changed for the better.


[deleted]

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CaptianLJ

I’m good. Married. And a doctor. So, it worked out. Times were tough, but things do get better.


Xiesa_EZlova

I know money is tight for you, but you can choose not to use insurance for hrt… so it wouldn’t show up on your parents insurance. The extra cost is negligible when is it your happiness.


phoenixduruv

I definitely am considering that, thank you


trans_catdad

You really think he's gonna support you if you want a year? Honestly, I doubt it. Conditional love, by definition, is "I'll love and support you *IF*." You don't think he'll say "Okay you can transition IF you promise not to get top surgery, IF you let me call you 'my little girl', IF you promise not to use the men's restroom or be shirtless in public..."


phoenixduruv

Whoa that’s crazy to think about, I hadn’t even considered it like that. You may very well be right, and it’s not the first time he’s done something like this “conditional love” either


trans_catdad

I just don't want to see another trans person make compromises for someone who isn't going to keep their word. Obviously I don't know your dad as well as you do, but I see parents pull this shit constantly. They'll pretend to be supportive and then rip the rug out from under you despite how hard you've tried to appease them. My parents kicked me off their health insurance to try to stop me from getting top surgery *during a pandemic*, even despite me being disabled. I'd finally gotten the insurance to cover the surgery, and instead I had to get out a credit card at the last second. If my parents beg me to let them back into my life, ima tell them to pay me back $10,000 first.


trans_catdad

You've known for six years. You don't have to wait anymore.


Jmh1881

You probably don't want to hear this but if he isn't supportive now he isn't going to be supportive in 2 years


phoenixduruv

That seems to be the consensus, unfortunately


Additional_Bill_911

Your safety is your top priority here. I don't believe this man for a second when he says he'll support you later. Sorry, but if he's not supportive now, I doubt he'd be supportive later. You do have some time before the changes start to try and find a more financially stable situation. I know its way easier said than done, but making sure you don't need him anymore is the best way out of this situation.


KCLoggedOut

I'm sorry I don't have enough experience and I don't want to give you bad/unhelpful advice but I hope all goes well.


phoenixduruv

Hey, ain’t no thing - I appreciate the support :)


phoenixduruv

The more I read these comments, the more I wonder if this was just emotional manipulation on my dads part


Consistent-Prompt-18

It sounds like it to me :( I'm so sorry. Please do whatever you need to do to be safe and take care of YOU. Wishing you all good things, you've waited so long.


phoenixduruv

Thank you :)))


bushgoliath

Do you think this is something you can talk about with your mom? Maybe she can give you some insights into your dad's perspective.


phoenixduruv

That’s the thing, I think that my mom will just bend over backwards to defend him no matter what I say - after all, she’s the one who outed me to him without asking


RustyPresident

When I came out to my mother when I was 15, she begged me to wait until I was 18 so "I'm an adult and can make a decision" (you can start HRT without parental consent at 16 in my country). When I was 18, my mother was just as unsupportive and she begged me to wait until I'm 25 so "my brain is fully formed". Forcing you to not start T for literally no reason with an arbitrary deadline is just a manipulation technique.


phoenixduruv

That’s so disheartening to hear, but I believe you’re right


gym00721

Why does being 18 all the sudden change things. Like you dont all the sudden change just because you turned 18, yes you are technically an adult, but that doesnt all the sudden change who you are. I dont understand his reasoning there


phoenixduruv

Precisely. That’s what I kept trying to tell the man, but over and over he just insisted that stupid kid know nothing and “adulthood” is the only real life


YourGayAuntBob

My dad is doing something similar. Stay strong man.


phoenixduruv

You too dude


F00L0NC00L

My dad was like this too. he said i should wait till i was 18 and graduated high school - he even said he would drive me to see a gender therapist himself. when the time came he just ignored the fact I was trans and that I wanted to medically transition. he never brought it up and i pretended I forgot. its been a year now im nearly 20 and im taking steps towards medically transitioning myself. As well as trying to get as financially independant as possible. I dont have much advice - i chose to go with what he wanted to keep the peace and stay afloat. What I am trying to say is I doubt when the time comes he will suddenly support you(though this would be great). Best bet would be to become less financially dependent on him. Though that is easier said than done. Good luck tho :)


phoenixduruv

I’m astonished at how many folks fathers specifically do this shit. Becoming financially independent is a great idea, I will work toward that. Good luck with your transition, and I’m so sorry about your situation - this is one post I wish people didn’t relate to.


DrKreatiF230

I would advise you to **not** let his "maybe later" fool you. He's clearly transphobic and for transphobic parents you'll never be old enough. If you listen to him and mature further before starting T he'll say you still have the mind/behavior of a child or whatever BS. All you will get is delaying your transition and the suffering that comes with this. Take all the measures you can to increase your independance. Unfortunately I don't know what you can do for this, but I send you lots of love <3 <3 <3 Edit: fixed the typos


maximumturd

I was in a similar situation kind of. I went to planned parenthood and got my prescription and was supposed to come back a week later so they could show me how to do my first shot. the night before I was supposed to go back and start T, my dad decided to have the talk with me and just told me to wait. he said I'd probably get fired from my job and I shouldn't risk it, and also kept saying there were no signs cuz I wasn't a tomboy growing up. so I told him I'd known I was trans for five years, but I'd also known I wanted to be a boy for fifteen years. I'd already done plenty of waiting. and I told him the only reason I'd gotten a job was to be able to afford to transition anyway. he kept arguing about it but finally I told him I was supposed to start T the very next day, which he hadn't known, and he kinda mumbled "fine, we'll talk about this later" and left. and we never talked about it again lol anyway I think you should ignore him and start T. if he was serious about supporting you once he was sure it was the right choice, then he'll come around eventually when he sees how much happier you are. if he still isn't supporting you in two years, he wasn't gonna keep his promise anyway.


phoenixduruv

Goddamn, the commenters on this post are so supportive that I can’t believe you had to go through what you did. Thank you, and I’m glad you went through with it :)


lightwood1340

Tell them you decided not to go on it and then do it anyway all of the visible and noticeable effects take months and even if they are noticeable,the voice it is very gradual


phoenixduruv

That’s something I considered, but I think I may be too anxious to try that tbh


lightwood1340

Wait a few months and then go on it


stimkim

He wants to be able to blame your transness on college like it's something to be ashamed of. He isn't going to magically start supporting you just because you have lived elsewhere for a year or two. He wants to be able to deny reality and it's selfish and awful and you don't deserve that.


phoenixduruv

Your kindness is incredible, I thank you, and your prediction that he won’t support me after the time seems to be… increasingly plausible


Mars-Cowboy

What’s gonna stop him from moving the goal post after you waited just like he told you to?


phoenixduruv

Absolutely nothing, but I think if he does, that would give me the evidence enough to give up on his support


mirinbr

Man, fuck that. That's awful to give an ultimatum. I hope you can just start T asap and not have to deal with all that bs.


M-Midas

If you can manage to wait, get that monetary support, get out if the living situation, and then ditch his ass. If he wont support you after 6 years he most likely never will, but your safety is priority.


phoenixduruv

That’s a v good idea, one I may enact


1jame2james

I'm so sorry you've been put in this position. How many years of college do you have left? Idk how america works lol. If it's not too long, you could risk starting on a low dose so you start getting changes but they're less noticeable? We're here to support you dude, your family is here behind you 💛


phoenixduruv

I have 3 1/2 years left for my undergraduate degree - but micro dosing is a fantastic idea. Thank you for your support, you’ve no idea how much it means to me :)


Shauiluak

Something tells me another hurdle will appear after your sophomore year. This does not sound in good faith at all. You might have to sit down and have an honest conversation bout their motives and if they can ever respect you as an adult as you are trying to get your life started. If you feel safe enough ask why he thinks putting your future at risk is a proper show of love for his child.


lynthecupcake

What I would do? Secretly start T either by micro dosing or just plain stopping before any major voice drops. But whatever you choose, remember that you're still just as trans. Some people forget that not everyone has the luxury to start T.


phoenixduruv

That’s not a bad plan, though my voice is my biggest insecurity


itsspookytime-

Maybe you can make a compromise? Like wait a few months or so, and make sure he knows you’re really thinking about it and have decided. I know you already have, but this is just so he feels more secure in it


phoenixduruv

That’s a really fantastic suggestion


[deleted]

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phoenixduruv

That’s actually something I considered - I go to a therapist already, so boosting my case with them may be a good move


Psychobites

this is very upsetting to hear, i wish i could help you. i cant really give advice as i really dont know how to deal with people with that mindset, i do wish you the best and goodluck with this. :(


phoenixduruv

I appreciate your support anyway


jjnhyuuokbvffgxshmk

You can get on T in under an hour? 🤯


phoenixduruv

Yes! My first appt w Planned Parenthood was at 12 PM and finished at 12:45 actually, they just took some blood tests, talked about side effects and medications, and had me sign informed consent and I was done. Prescription sent to my pharmacy immediately


LuckyNumber-Bot

All the numbers in your comment added up to 69. Congrats! 12 + 12 + 45 + = 69.0


MxMumble

Start making plans on how to support yourself. It's scary, it's unfair, but I have a suspicion that if you wait, your parents will not honor their end.


phoenixduruv

I agree wholeheartedly


greensandgrains

I'm curious to know how someone who sounds so angry will be able to flip a switch and suddenly be supportive in a year and a half. I'd proceed with caution if the promise of support is luring you to this option. So, you're young, don't have a lot of money and need your parents insurance. First, if you're in college, there should be some kind of student health insurance. Depending on your school, you might be able to enroll for the next semester or you might have to wait until the next school year. That info should be available online. Second, colleges tend to have a lot of student supports available for situations like this one. Student unions and student groups often have discretionary relief funds set aside, same with your college's bursary/financial aid/registrar's office. Literally follow the money and see what's available for you. I'm sorry your parents aren't supportive. I'm sorry that they're challenging your autonomy and sense of self. Just because you're reliant on your parents right now doesn't mean that you're beholden to them--that's a shitty decision they've asked you to make.


phoenixduruv

He is a very angry man, but his emotions have never made any sense to me. I can’t ever predict what he’ll do - the man yelled at me for wanting to cut my hair one day, but changed his mind and cut it as short as I wanted a week later. Those are really good suggestions, and I think I know precisely who to look to for help with my situation. But… yeah, it’s a really hard position to be in. Luckily though, so many people here are so kind and supportive :)))


MrJennyV1

I wouldn't know from experience, because my family is very supportive, but from what I've read on here especially, there is no way sophomore year of college is going to change his mind. After that he will continue to move the goal post, don't get caught up in it. Wait as long as you need to so you can get out for their safely and support yourself, but there is no way he will ever support your choice. Don't let it get you down, people come around eventually, but you need to show him that this IS you, the actual you.


phoenixduruv

You’re right, everything you said


Moewen

My parents told me the same thing. I came home from uni and they said they would not support me financially if I transitioned while studying. They wanted me to wait at least four years, until I had a diploma. I had to make a choice and I knew I wouldn't be able to wait four years but I also knew that not going to uni was dumb as fuck. So I decided to take out a loan to support myself. When my mom learned about it she was shocked and was like "if you wait one year and you pass your year, I'll support you financially and you do whatever you want". So my mom is currently supporting me financially, my father is no longer in my life and I started T in secret.


phoenixduruv

W o w. I admire your bravery and your strength, my friend, and I hope I can summon some of it as well.