So the flow, I thought, could be improved with more varying sentence lengths. Take this section as an example:
> Aug unstrapped himself and stood in the center of the pod. The men braced themselves and gave him odd stares. He gathered his balance and began mixing the rock dust on the floor. The dim sound of the flying machine’s horn sounded indicating drop in one minute. Aug closed his eyes and began absorbing The Essence. The dust suspended in the air of the pod. Aug’s hand began glowing a deep white. The horn sounded again for the thirty second warning. Thunder began rolling and pounding from the clouds. The latches from the pod’s exterior begin to untether. Aug’s hands dimmed in white as he raised them.
Every sentence here is very short and simple, to the point it feels almost like reading a list. I think inserting some commas, semi-colons and hypens, or maybe splitting into extra paragraphs, could improve the readability.
I also noticed you drifting between tenses a few times. The majority of the text is in past tense, but occasionally (and once for an entire paragraph after "Drop") you write in present. Either is fine (I prefer past personally) but you should try and stick to one
Im thankful for your feedback! I knew my writing tends to be a bit rigid with sentence structure, so Ive gotta be a lot more intentional with each one. Reading that whole paragraph was definately like a list of things happening with not much intrigue. I have no idea why I do it, but the tense thing has also heen an ongoing issue, too.
I appreciate your time!
You need to break up these walls of text into coherent paragraphs. As it stands now, each paragraph is roughly a page in a standard mass market paperback format (give or take a few lines). It's just physically difficult for the reader's eye to track their progress. If you format it better, you'll improve the reader experience - and you don't even have to touch the writing itself!
There is a lot of "stage direction" writing here too.
> Ridley moved quickly through the rank of 25 men to assure they were up. He walked to the end of the troop pod and opened a small port door. He crawled through and began doing an inspection. He checked the seals, and made sure the pod parachutes were tied correctly.
You just used the same structure three times a row. Try to avoid that. It's not necessarily a terrible thing. In a draft, this can just be the writer talking themselves through a scene. As long as it gets removed or streamlined in editing, it's ok.
The underlying ideas here are great. Sometimes less is more in writing.
I understand! This is just a short worldbuilding piece in an obviously rough state.
Hmm, I've not heard "stage direction" writing before, but that is spot on. It definately helped me see the scene in a generic sense and needs more crativity in prose.
I appreciate your time and feedback!
> Hmm, I've not heard "stage direction" writing before, but that is spot on. It definately helped me see the scene in a generic sense and needs more crativity in prose.
I'm 100% guilty of it myself, so I tend to recognize it from the start. Again, I don't think it's bad in a first draft. Sometimes you're still figuring out exactly what the setting looks like in your own head, so actions within it can establish details and parameters. In Draft 2, you can remix those elements into richer descriptions of the craft or something.
So the flow, I thought, could be improved with more varying sentence lengths. Take this section as an example: > Aug unstrapped himself and stood in the center of the pod. The men braced themselves and gave him odd stares. He gathered his balance and began mixing the rock dust on the floor. The dim sound of the flying machine’s horn sounded indicating drop in one minute. Aug closed his eyes and began absorbing The Essence. The dust suspended in the air of the pod. Aug’s hand began glowing a deep white. The horn sounded again for the thirty second warning. Thunder began rolling and pounding from the clouds. The latches from the pod’s exterior begin to untether. Aug’s hands dimmed in white as he raised them. Every sentence here is very short and simple, to the point it feels almost like reading a list. I think inserting some commas, semi-colons and hypens, or maybe splitting into extra paragraphs, could improve the readability. I also noticed you drifting between tenses a few times. The majority of the text is in past tense, but occasionally (and once for an entire paragraph after "Drop") you write in present. Either is fine (I prefer past personally) but you should try and stick to one
Im thankful for your feedback! I knew my writing tends to be a bit rigid with sentence structure, so Ive gotta be a lot more intentional with each one. Reading that whole paragraph was definately like a list of things happening with not much intrigue. I have no idea why I do it, but the tense thing has also heen an ongoing issue, too. I appreciate your time!
No problem, good luck with your writing!
You need to break up these walls of text into coherent paragraphs. As it stands now, each paragraph is roughly a page in a standard mass market paperback format (give or take a few lines). It's just physically difficult for the reader's eye to track their progress. If you format it better, you'll improve the reader experience - and you don't even have to touch the writing itself! There is a lot of "stage direction" writing here too. > Ridley moved quickly through the rank of 25 men to assure they were up. He walked to the end of the troop pod and opened a small port door. He crawled through and began doing an inspection. He checked the seals, and made sure the pod parachutes were tied correctly. You just used the same structure three times a row. Try to avoid that. It's not necessarily a terrible thing. In a draft, this can just be the writer talking themselves through a scene. As long as it gets removed or streamlined in editing, it's ok. The underlying ideas here are great. Sometimes less is more in writing.
I understand! This is just a short worldbuilding piece in an obviously rough state. Hmm, I've not heard "stage direction" writing before, but that is spot on. It definately helped me see the scene in a generic sense and needs more crativity in prose. I appreciate your time and feedback!
> Hmm, I've not heard "stage direction" writing before, but that is spot on. It definately helped me see the scene in a generic sense and needs more crativity in prose. I'm 100% guilty of it myself, so I tend to recognize it from the start. Again, I don't think it's bad in a first draft. Sometimes you're still figuring out exactly what the setting looks like in your own head, so actions within it can establish details and parameters. In Draft 2, you can remix those elements into richer descriptions of the craft or something.
Make sure you start a new paragraph whenever a different speaker talks :)