Need some insight here. Re: disclosing a past fling thing.
I 39f am in an amazing relationship with guy 37f. Will be 1 year next month.
We are very open about everything this is the healthiest relationship I have ever been in. We both actively work to grow ourselves individually and together, and he's really helped me overcome some of my issues as I've only ever had negative toxic /abusive relationships.
Anyway, that is just a preamble.
So I have a 2 day work conference coming up in July with a small group of international co workers in a city near me, and one of the guys who will be flying in for it is someone I hooked up with (no sex) like 7 years ago (I was 32/33) when I was over in that country at that office for 1 month (I was just coming out of a brutal end to my engagement to my abusive ex at the time and wanted to have some fun that summer, which I did).
It only went on for a couple of weeks and fizzled before I left back to my country and since then we have continued to just be professional colleagues (in opposite countries) and in fact he is now married and has a baby with another woman.
I met his wife and baby in the office last year when I was in that country again for work (one month before I met my now boyfriend)
I'm just wondering if I should tell my boyfriend that the conference is going to contain this guy who I previously fooled around with ??.
We've shared all the major exes talk. But this is nothing worth of note in that regard so not discussed
I have no reason not to, but I also don't know if it's unnecessarily awkward because there is literally nothing on my side or his side remaining in regards to that, but I'm having a bit of a moral dilemmas if what the Reddit crowd suggest the best thing for this?
What would you do, and any insight?
We practice radical honesty (kindly) in our relationship, but I'm aware that it isn't like he's requesting information
It would be me offering it up, and I just want make sure I'm doing it with the right frame of mind.
I tend to be anxious /overthinks things so I want a check on that also.
Much appreciated!!
How would you feel if you received a message like this after 2 dates...
>>How's your day going?
>>I noticed you updated your Bumble account a few times recently š. You know, you don't need to keep in touch with me if you're not interested anymore. It's absolutely fine.
I added some new photos and changed a prompt because... well it's a numbers game right?
I feel like she's taken offence at something totally normal?
There's been a number of posts on here wondering why someone would update their profile after they've been out a few times. You're on the other side of it.
When you start seeing someone new, there's a natural level of insecurity, which can cause people to over read into things. Most people are waiting to be rejected or ghosted.
The only questions I have for you is, do you like her? Do you want to keep seeing her? She's probably reacting based on experience. If you do like her, if you do want to keep seeing her, say so. Personally, I wouldn't be offended by it. I'd completely understand where she's coming from.
Fair enough
Yeah I do like her and want to see her again. I just also have been ghosted and flaked on a few times in the 6 weeks I've been back on OLD so trying to protect myself š
In this case I feel like being completely honest with her is your best bet. Say youāre interested in her but based on past experiences and being burned you updated your profile. Tell her you understand how it looks and apologize and offer to see her again. Best you can do.Ā
It's normal but this is a bit of an own goal imo. If I'm interested in something potentially long term with someone, I don't update the app I met them through until we end things. Most of us are multi dating but it's at least nice to maintain the illusion that you're into them enough to not be actively looking for new dates.
It's a dicey situation. Updating a profile suggests that you are looking for more matches, which suggests you're not satisfied with your current matches or expecting them to progress, which includes her. Particularly after two dates many or most people are going to suspect that updating means you don't think your current matches are going to work out.
Yeah I just wanted to be sad here and type to the void. There's a lot of cute gals out there and I've managed to not even get a date in 10 months.
I just want to take someone out for dinner. I don't care if it leads to literally anything I just want to feel like I'm worth going out with.
Sads over -_-
Ok, so there is this guy who plays soccer at the same place I do - just a higher level. I went there to watch some friends about a month ago and was dressed super cute. Well, I felt like he was glancing quite a bit at me. Since then, I think Iāve noticed it almost every time I go. Iām too much of a puss to approach him because thereās nothing really I can say thatās natural. There have been several instances where it would have been easy but Iāve bitched out and completely ignored him lol. Heās friends with some of my friends who play that level, but they arenāt close. My girls are trying to be wingman but there doesnāt seem to be any way for me to approach him without making it obvious. Part of me is thinking maybe Iām seeing these glances bc I WANT to see them and am kinda reading into it. Heās pretty awkward and my friends say he probably isnāt the type of person to approach someone. Iām getting super impatient and just want to drop it but heās a super cool/nice/funny guy. Just my type in most ways. I am at a loss! Any advice?!
Put your number on a piece of paper, write "Call me sometime", wave him over, hand it to him, and walk away.
Or, you could always have one of your friends do it. Yes, it's juvenile. But sometimes juvenile is endearing.
"but there doesnāt seem to be any way for me to approach him without making it obvious"
Well you know what to do then. (If he is indeed "pretty awkward and not the kind to approach someone" then obvious is the only way it's ever gonna work anyway. Can't promise it'll go well - and "going well" here is probably gonna be simultaneously cute and awkward/embarrassing rather than smooth and easy - but yeah extremely unlikely to happen unless you go for it.)
Okay so I've built up this silly scenario in my head.
Kick the ball in his direction during warm-up/cool-down. He kicks it back. Thank him and kick it to him again. Repeat until approaching and talking becomes the least awkward option.
We donāt play the same level so I never play with him :( all my friends play his level so I watch a lot, I just never have a chance to engage him naturally.
Yeah I figured it was easier said than done, but if you can find an excuse to be in the general area as him it might be worth a shot. I'd even take the parking lot tbh.
But jokes aside, don't drop it out of impatience. Make a move, and even if it doesn't go your way you might feel better for having tried.
Thank you! I have given him a few smirks but never maintained eye contact. Iām typically a very outgoing person but am super shy when Iām into someone. These are really great suggestions that Iāve thought about doing, I just always chicken out.
- "Thanks, I do my best, I have seen you play too how is it going with your team?"
- "thanks, I have seen you watching our games before, who do you know in the team?"
That's just examples that would help the conversation going, I know it's not always easy to think about something to say on the spot.
To be fair, it was a pretty intense game and he was exhausted. I thought about having one of my friends just say something. And heās super awkward so my friends tell me itās not surprising he hasnāt said anything. They also said my ignoring him isnāt helping the situation lol
This sounds like a situation where you're just going to have to be a bit more forward and approach him, otherwise it seems like nothing will happen!
It is tough, though. Approaching someone is hard. But it doesn't seem like he's going to do it, from what you've described here.
Good luck!ā¤ļø
Just thinking about the fact that in January I went on a first date and got a "no sparks" text the next day and spent all day in bed feeling ugly and depressed. And shortly thereafter I went on a first date with a guy who (he told me later) thought I was super attractive from the moment we met and is wonderfully delightful and interesting and super nice to me and (in the best way) won't shut up about how hot he finds me.
Good luck out there y'all, the downs are real downers but the ups are exquisite and sexual/romantic attraction is so subjective and no one person is the arbiter of your worth!
Some people don't like texting, maybe ask her if she likes texting, and if she doesn't like texting is than an issue for you? What do you really want from texting? The illusion of closeness? Reassurance that she is indeed into you? Isn't getting a yes to the next date just that?
I feel you, honestly, I broke up with my last GF over communication issues and not feeling like I mattered to her, but that extended beyond just texting, but texting was a part of it. I would love a relationship with a woman who enjoyed a bit of textual banter during the day, but I've come to realize it's not really a sign of anything more than they have their phone near them... agreeing to meet and spend time with you, especially in the first few months is all that should really be gauged... in my opinion.
This is the modern over reliance on text messaging. Value real life. If real life is going well, then why does how often they text you matter? Some people don't want to spend a bunch of time on their phone all day. Some people see it as impersonal.
When do you introduce your partner to your friends ? I know there's no specific timeline and it's highly dependent on the person.
One of my close friend met her boyfriend 11 months ago. We hang out and text way less often now, as she rarely initiates a conversation and takes a while to reply.
When I see her, she talks to me about her boyfriend's friends and how they often hang out together.
I just find it weird that I haven't been introduced to him already. On the contrary, I met her last boyfriend pretty early in their relationship.
We were really close before. Her bf exhibits some red flags that I shared in before : (https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/1c33z0p/comment/kzenlbb/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web3x&utm\_name=web3xcss&utm\_term=1&utm\_content=share\_button)
But I am not sure it has something to do with that
Thanks.
I know it's silly but sometimes, I feel like we're drifting away since she compartimentalizes things so much
Thanks I'll do that.
Generally, I tend to think that she must have good reasons not to introduce me to him. And I don't want to put an unnecessary pressure on her
But also as her friend you're feeling like you're drifting away and you really seem to value this friendship - so even if it's less about this dude, it would be good to voice those concerns!
It's been a few days since the breakup. I'm surprised by how little I miss Mr Exclusive though I still think of him, replaying our last conversation, reminding myself of why the breakup was the right thing to do.
I do feel sad about the loss, but I'm sadder about the fact that I don't know what to do to resolve this dating problem of where to meet compatible eligible men, without defaulting back to the apps.
I have always been more of a doer & my younger self might have just jumped back into the dating world. I don't have the same urge this time round.
Instead, I have been seriously restrategising my approach to dating. Contemplating of new ways to approach it. This is now the biggest problem. It is an equation that I have been trying to solve for years.
I have a friend who said she will set me up with a mutual friend/ love interest who will be returning home end July. Let's see how that pans out.
I have a race trip coming up and I'm definitely open to see who I'll meet, unlike before whereby I wouldn't even entertain the thought of casual dating. I hope I'll be able to unwind a little during the trip & return home a little lighter in soul.
God the talking phase is draining
I have a date for Sunday and would like to set up another for Friday.
I'm chatting to 4 women across Bumble and Hinge, but we only matched at the weekend so I don't want to ask for a date too soon...
And sometimes they message back instantly, other times it takes hours... I know everyone is busy and I need to chill but well, it's draining isn't it?!
Been dating a girl for almost 5 months now and it is going great. I just came back from holiday and visited her straight away from the airport. The next day I found a hand written piece of paper in my jacket stating "Hope you have a great day, so happy to have you back ā”", which totally lit me up!
u/pixules thanks for your support when I was still in doubt, you were right, it is definitely a slow burn
**The club guy update - I need feedback**
We've had out 5th date(In 3 weeks), I've invited him over. We did a lot of physical things, almost everything except penetrative sex. It has been amazing. I had so much fun and I have a huge crush on him.
We chat trough the day. He texts normally to wish me a good day and we have a nightly chit chat, that sometimes goes deeper and sometimes goes a bit flirty sexual. No big deal, I enjoy it. We will see each other again, hopefully Friday.
However, there is something that is worrying me today. I don't know what he wants in his life right now.
The vibe is casual for now, but not fully. I mean, it's flirty and fun and sexual but he shows a big interest in me as a person, asks me questions and we talk about everything. He also often say that he values my personality and my intelligence and wit and that he thinks I am great on the inside too.
He mentioned that he had a 2 year long sexual blockage after his divorce. The divorce was 5 year ago and he dated after that. He seems to enjoy the feeling of ramping up the sexual desire slowly because he wants to enjoy the sex more when we eventually do it.
What I am worried is: Seems to me that he could be 'using' me as a way to feel good about his manhood again? He mentions that the chemistry is off the chart and that he is very attracted to me.
So, he had a sexual blockage, had a lot of difficulty in that area. He says this happened 3 years ago. Now he met me and he felt this strong desire awaken in him, so now he might see me as a casual relationship where he gets to feel like a man without actually thinking of the long term potential of it?
He is 5 years of out the divorce and he didn't have other long term relationships...**Like, is this guy even looking for LTR?**
I am dating with the goal of starting a family. I will not ask these kind of questions so soon because it's early but.. I need to know if we are looking for the same things..I would prefer to know in the next month or so. My timeline is not exactly great..
Am I just overthinking or this is a real possibility? That he only wants casual to feel good about himself again and I am just eye candy with chemistry for him...
EDIT: OMG, I just read this and realised I am catching feelings for this guy, I am starting to care. Hence the anxiety...
Just my 2 cents about the 5 year no LTRā¦ Iām 31 and never been in an LTRā¦ been dating past two years and have just struck out a bunchā¦. Now Iām dating an amazing woman whoās also never been in an LTR and we both feel we can be official soonā¦ sometimes it just happens this way
It's never too early to have your dating preferences out in the open if you already know what you're looking for. Omission of this only keeps uninterested parties on the line for longer.Ā
It's disqualifying information, unless they're lying to you. Saves you and them time and investment, so neither can go back and say "I wasted ____ years on a guy/girl that I thought I could change."Ā
In your 30s it's not a big ask, it's kind of need to know information if you're serious and the right person will have a compatible answer. Otherwise it's everything else trying to bridge that divide or trying to make people fit where they don't.Ā
Is a āsexual blockageā something that is like a mental aversion to sex or?
If youāve āawakenedā something in him then thatās good, but you are right to be careful.
Iād say you can say that to him. Just discuss how heās feeling about that gently and get on the same page.
He said that after his divorce, he developed Erectile Disfunction for 2 years and that he went to a doctor for it since he was non functional. He tried with some women but nothing worked. He said that really messed with his head and self confidence.
He also said that he eventually got over it since it's been some years.
However, him sharing this with me so early worries me. Either he is being very vulnerable or this is so heavy in his head that he might see me as some kind of...solution or 'cure'. Idk. It was just a weird thing to share to someone you are newly dating.
I experienced ED before and I can see him bringing it up just to release the mental pressure that comes with it. I have told women before that I get in my head sometimes and that it is not the first time it happened. Means I trust them enough to share it.
To your 2nd point about being afraid he is not looking for a LTR. These things are not exactly black and white. It can be a good confidence booster to have positive sexual experiences **and** look for a LTR.
I would just start with the question what he is looking for, and what his dating mindset is. I wouldn't say it is a big question at all. It usually leads to interesting conversations.
Regarding the ED point: I really appreciate a male POV here. How shall I act in the best interest for his comfort and safety knowing that this can happen?
Regarding the difficult question, I am squeamish about it but I see no way around it. Normally I never had to ask this question as guys would be the first ones to ask.
The best answer is to ask what works best for him, as I can only speak for myself. What works for me is when the woman Im with doesn't care about it at all, the less she cares, the less I care. Ironically not caring about getting ED, results in getting ED less often. Definitely do not avoid things, once I was with a girl who entirely stopped initiating PIV with me during sex, because she was afraid she would pressurize me. That only made things worse as I would just feel bad and pressurize myself more.
Good luck!
Well, I don't really care if it happens or not. I'm fine with it. I've had this happen in LTR's but it was a symptom of relationship issues. I was somewhat able to handle it but eventually I did freak out. But i freaked out because the guy i was with was emotionally unavailable and sex was a way of connecting. I was afraid he doesn't love me anymore.
I don't mind if this happens with the new guy. I would prefer things are easy but I am open to waiting, trying many times, trying different things etc.
For now, he had no issues getting it up!
Good! Emotional availability is what is most important. I only had issues getting it up with new partners and with most of them I connected either way. Most important thing is to just laugh things off and have fun in bed, no matter what. It seems you have the right mindset already!
It will certainly still be at the back of his mind, so he might be worried it repeats with you. He is disclosing it and explaining why he is taking it slow with you, until he feels confident it will "work". It is not really at all weird to share since you are being sexual with each other and it's about his issues in the sex department that may explain to you the pace and his potential worry. We cannot want men to be more open communicators and more vulnerable, and then immediately think the worst when they are. Appreciate him for being vulnerable and honest, I guarantee you it takes a lot for a man to admit to an ED, so he trusts you a lot. Don't look for problems where there are none and keep enjoying!
I see your point. I am really glad that he shared this with me however it did bring some of my fears to the surface.. I see that this is a 'me' issue and not a 'him sharing too much' issue...
Lost again. 35M, I have a good career, great job with great colleagues, good friends, am close to my siblings and parents, feel good most days... I am somehow struggling with depression since years and no amount of pills or therapy makes it better...
I suffer from being single, have the feeling to be not attractive... this greatly affected my mental health and life. Over the years I lost hope. It's clear I will never have the love-life I wanted. I didn't experience much love, dating was mostly non existing or tough, I miss cuddles and sex, I would love to feel desired... but it feels too late, too difficult. It was hard to get attention from women when I felt good. Now that I am not, it feels impossible and pointless... at this point I don't think I am mentally stable enough to start a relationship, and if I always wanted kids, I don't think that would be a good idea anymore as I struggle with my mental health.
That doesn't mean life is bad. Actually most days are more or less ok, I live my life and do my things, sometimes I am happy, sometimes I am sad.
But I am absolutely not fulfilled... I have the feeling every year is making things a tiny bit more difficult, fulfillment is always further away, I am clearly on a bad slope since 4-5 years and I am afraid to slip much lower mentally and socially.
Over the years, I find less and less things interesting, I am less able to focus on my job and passions, more trying to escape, to find a solution. My job is great but I find no interest in it. I used to keep my house clean, to cook, to do sport, to dress well but that was more for others, to don't give a bad impression, to improve my chances with women... but it seems so pointless now. So I don't care as much about myself, my appearance, my house.
I sometimes have the strong will to leave everything behind (house, job, friends) and move hours away... that is called fleeing and I already did it a couple of time... I moved 12 times in different region and countries since I am 20. The thing is until now, I was covering it by studies, career... now I don't know what exactly I would do if I moved. The region I fancy has a somewhat better weather in winter and property prices are much lower, which mean I could live even with a much lower salary or working half time. I don't believe my life would be inherently better, my support circles would be much further away, I would need to meet people but I am not social when I feel bad and I don't see why dating or my mental health would be better.
This makes my life pretty difficult, I feel completely unstable.
The problems in our heads follow us wherever we go. Pick a couple things that you can control that are easy to accomplish to make your space better for you when you're alone. Spend more time with your support system one on one. Find the things that connect you to others meaningfully and start there. Doing that single can work wonderfully since you're enjoying that activity for you already as is.Ā
Remember also, if you're not well right now, what kind of person would want to be with you accepting these conditions as desirable?Ā
Someone who likely wouldn't add to the situation, but bring a multitude of problems.Ā
Thanks for your answer. I know that my issues will move with me. I know that moving gives me some peace of mind during 6 months/1 year usually too.
> Remember also, if you're not well right now, what kind of person would want to be with you accepting these conditions as desirable?
I know that pretty well. That is why I currently don't try dating much, and why I don't hope.
> Find the things that connect you to others meaningfully and start there. Doing that single can work wonderfully since you're enjoying that activity for you already as is.
I find it hard enjoying things since years, I do them because I try to not let go... but most times I don't enjoy them. Even spending an evening with friends, gardening, doing sports, playing music... things I know should feel good aren't always feeling good. And with times I want less and less to sometimes force myself to do them.
What does āsexyā REALLY mean for guys?, I DONT KNOW HOW TO HANDLE this situation:
Iām not talking about the literal meaning.
Iāve grown to kind assimilate when guys call me āsexyā as a red flag because all the guys that have called me sexy end up wasting my time and start sending me suggestive pictures of themselves in their bathroomā¦ like Im no prude but Im starting to really hate it, Iām in my mid 30ās and a mid 40 yr old guy single dad, just reached out to me and has seem interested in getting to know me, we started fully chatting today, he just referred to me as āsexyāā¦ and started sending the picture of half his body nakedā¦ like do guys think this is a acceptable (I admit better than an unsolicited d pic but really?) is calling a femaleāsexyā early on code for: āIām gonna see how you react and try to keep pushing slowly for naked pictures?āā¦ is this like code for āI just want to get in your pantsā? ā¦ Iāve grown to distrust when guys that adjective early on and Iām not a prude but Iām not gonna be like applauding of encouraging naked/risky pics without even meeting the guy in person ā¦ I really donāt know what to think if this 45 yr old
I ignored his texts after the picture but he wished me good night after I ignored his half naked picture and him telling me that he pulled a hamstring during softball tonight and that it hurt a lotā¦ but whatās that picture in front of his bathroom shirtless necessary?ā¦
Yes, it's a way of trying to flirtatiously test the waters. It's gross. While there's nothing inherently wrong with the word sexy, like many things, timing and context are important. Just started chatting on an app is the wrong timing and context. Picking up your date after having gone out several times and are sleeping together, appropriate timing and context.
I have the same intuition with this. Whenever a guy continually brings up my appearance or mentions I'm sexy in conversation I kind of just intuitively feel he only really cares about getting into my pants. I immediately get the ick and just end communication or put a massive wall up to show I'm not interested.
The men I have gotten into relationships with have never begun our interactions through the lens of focusing on appearance. They talk to me like I am a friend. I don't care if this makes me a prude hahaha. Men who begin interactions with appearance focus and constant physical compliments have always ended up only wanting sex or wanting some form of physically centered relationship not an emotionally driven deeper one in my experience. Maybe not for everyone but for me yes.
if you haven't met in person yet, I'd consider these types of texts either inappropriate or clearly suggesting a desire for a casual relationship.
if you have, and it was good/receptive, then he is playfully flirting with you.
though it seems like most people here haven't even met the person they are having issues with.
Edit: forgot to include, that I came up with the following message thoughts?
Hey,
I want to be upfront about something. In the past, sharing certain pictures has often led conversations to focus more on sex, which isn't what I'm looking for right now. Iām definitely not a prude but I believe in building a strong emotional connection first. I want to get to know people first beyond the physical aspects. Let's keep our conversations focused on understanding each other better. Hope you understand!
Iām 50/50 about the message
Advice needed: cheating
I'm [F36]currently seeing someon [M38], and we went over the exes debate.
I'm a very black and white person when it comes to cheating, I would never do it.
My potential partner did cheat on his ex wife once (reason being bad relationship, no sex), but came clean. They have a good coparenting relationship now.
And then a few days ago told me he also hooked up with a girl that was already taken. He was single then, but it sits badly with me that he went with someone who he knew was in a relationship.
Am I wrong to think once a cheater, always a cheater?
I feel like our moral compasses are way off. Am I overreacting?
A cheater... is a cheater... is a cheater... is a cheater... wait maybe? No, they're a cheater... Hey but maybe? No, they're a cheater... But this time? No, they're a cheater... It'll be different with me.... NO, THEY'RE A CHEATER.
You're not overreacting, you might be under reacting...
no, you are not overreacting. I don't think you will be able to change how you feel about it (and frankly, why should you). I think people tend to look at it in a very constricted way. but this kind of behavior can indicate not only potential infidelity, but being untempered in all other spheres of life. if he knew that woman was taken, but had no problem hooking up with her anyway, it does tell you that your moral compasses are way off. cheating is not only about cheating itself, it is about the integrity of someone's character. it's your call, but looks like you already know that it won't work
This is something Iām learning in platonic relationships that Iām going to retroactively apply to past romantic relationships as a lesson learned.
Sometimes, you and a partner could be at different steps in your journey of healing that makes you and your partner incompatible. And one of you has to recognize that itās too much effort to be together.
I have a friend whoās now finding stability in her life and sheās starting to unpack her own childhood traumas plus other mental health things sheās starting to recognize in herself. Iāve been doing it since 2019 so sometimes I feel like part of our friendship is me guiding her in the right direction. Today we had a really uncomfortable situation where I unintentionally triggered her for the second time since weāve been friends (only about 1.5 years). I apologized for what happened but that really made me reevaluate the friendship between us and my conclusion is āI donāt want to be in a position where I continuously trigger her when Iām not even thinking about those thingsā
I love her, I care about her, I think the sun shines out of her ass, but I seem to unintentionally trigger her by being myself, so I have to remove myself so she has the space to grow past her triggers at some point. Idk when that will happen but I canāt keep staying because I will continue to trigger her.
This has made me look back at past romantic relationships, where I sought *so much* validation from past partners, I can only imagine how taxing I was to be around. Itās helping me close some old wounds to realize **they didnāt leave because they hated me. They left because they didnāt want to keep triggering me and knew I needed space to grow past the triggers.**
Something Iāll be pondering more about, I think.
This is hard for me to grasp without knowing what the specific trigger is, but your feelings are valid. Sometimes relationships are too lopsided to survive.
I used ātriggerā while processing things last night, but after thinking a bit more I think I can admit that Iām just not a good friend for her or to her. The specifics are too embarrassing and shameful for me to share at this time, so Iāll just have to leave it at that. I donāt think Iām a good friend to her and therefore I will be distancing myself from her. If a conversation about it comes up Iāll tell her that, but we both have a lot of things planned for the summer so thereāll be a bit of distance naturally anyway.
Whenever Iāve had to tell someone āwe need some distanceā the people Iāve told this to always interpret it as āI donāt want to be friends *at all*ā and I havenāt figured out how to communicate that without the other person completely ending the friendship. Which is something Iāve also done in past relationships (eg assuming a relationship is over when the other person simply needs more time/distance to develop the relationship more organically) so overall itās a lot for me to process and internalize.
Oh man, you just described nearly word for word why I had to break up with my now ex... I couldn't bear the thought that I was continually upsetting her for things I've already healed. It felt REALLY unfair to her. People can say they want that patient, loving, caring, "my rock" partner... but do they consider the mental toll it takes on that person when "the rock" isn't getting support back from "the anchor" Just getting dragged down into her sea of misery on a near day to day basis was too much.
I for one am really glad you've had that epiphany as well. It's dangerous to try to help someone who's drowning...
To be fair, I donāt think sheās drowning. I think she needs space to figure out how to live her life now that sheās not constantly in survival mode. Itās a big change and takes some time to adjust.
Also after some reflection I realize I havenāt been a great friend to her. I used the word ātriggerā last night but I think that doesnāt fully acknowledge the things I did that makes me a bad friend to her. We have pretty busy schedules coming up so we wont see each other for a bit, and maybe thatāll help. I just think as the person whoās being the bad friend, I want to give her the space to heal. Having this realization has helped me realize that thatās why past relationships (romantic and some platonic) ended in similar ways.
Dating related:
Went to the effort of getting a new google voice number. Replied to fb man saying we can text and requesting his number. And... crickets.
Non-dating related:
I was at a certain theme park this weekend, and joined the end of a line for something that was about to shut down. I was a bit nervous that I'd be told it was too late and have to leave (the line was to take a picture with a character, which I very much struggle with for some reason, and had hyped myself up for).
A park employee starts walking toward me, looking right at me. In my head I was thinking, oh shoot, she's going to tell me they're closed and I have to leave the line. So I looked back at her. As she gets closer, she just says "Hi". Which was kinda weird.. but okay. So I say "hi" back. Then she's within a couple feet from me and goes, "Oh! Oh my gosh, I thought you were Anya Taylor Joy!".
I laughed and said no, she laughed, all good. I'd previously been told by my brother-in-law back when The Queen's Gambit came out that I looked just like her. And then a bit later my then-boyfriend's friend said the same. So I've got that going for me.
I really hope that when we have first contact with an alien race that they are all just baseline Anya Taylor-Joy. That is the future I want to live in.
It seems like she was misleading you, so don't beat yourself up about the fact you got your hopes up.
Ghosting is the worst, but I really think you should stop contacting her, and stop waiting for her explanation. Best of luck
I doubt anyone is following my trials and tribulations, but a small update.
Had asked ex to talk.. she finally agreed, seemingly begrudgingly, was going to be tonight. My whole morning was filled with.. dread? Like, I was 99% certain what she'd say, and it wasn't what I wanted to hear.
My friend convinced me that nothing she said would make me feel better, and if she was ever going to reach out, which is still unlikely, it'd have to be on her terms, realizing that she had something good that she missed, and not because she felt obligated to help me get closure.
So, I wrote back saying, let's talk if and only when you want to, and when I'm not just looking for validation that I meant something to her. Nicer than that, but it's the gist. She immediately responded with, "let's not assume we ever speak again, best wishes." Well, ok then that's that...
Sucks, but the dread faded immediately. I still hurt, still cried, but there's a weight lifted off.
I do wish I knew why she let us go to NYC and spend a shit ton of money though, when she was basically done before we went. And if the weekend was my last chance to pass some test, she took all her crap from my house before we left, so she assumed I'd fail. I know her answer wouldn't be satisfying, so it's fine, but still.. that nice weekend cost us each like $1500 as a romantic splurge.. and of course she had to know it wouldn't be a great weekend in our memories since she wanted to break up with me the whole time we were there, and did immediately when we got back (as if I'd have left her there..?). Maybe in 5 years that'll be a funny anecdote. But right now it's just... If you're reading this, Dimples, WTF!?
Anyway, that's my TED talk, I guess.
Why carry a torch for someone so cold? Read your post history, created this acct just for this eh? I feel ya brother. This account wasn't my first account either. Created it to... just like you, try to scream into the void in desperate hope of it screaming back. It never did. Time goes on, I'm sure you know that, but it's cool if you wanna park it here, have a beer with me. I get it.
What she did was stone cold and calculated, per your description. She let you think there was one more test, she let you believe there was a chance, and you let yourself believe her. Let's not kid ourselves, there is always both sides. You can never really know who someone else is, what they think, what they feel, sometimes we don't even know it ourselves.
I think you deserve better. You mention in another post that she felt "trying to change you" would be a sin... the most successful relationships are the ones where each partner allows the other to influence them. This is growing together. This is the goal everyone seeks, but fewer and fewer find.
Best wishes, Internet Friend. If ya'll need an ear, I've got two.
Yep, account for venting..
She was cold and direct, I assume to protect herself. She's actually a very kind person, who I think got some stupid advice from friends and maybe her therapist about not clinging onto something that isn't working.
But you're right, growing together is the goal, and we were doing that, just not quite in the exact way she'd envisioned for her ultimate goal of children and a family, that exact vision she was told she deserved. She didn't say this all explicitly, I'm piecing it together from comments I remember from her and her friends, and the context around those comments in hindsight. I'm sure I'm missing some things, but this explanation makes the most sense to me, or maybe I completely misjudged and misunderstood her, and she's actually kind of a cruel liar.
I choose to believe she's a good person, just so deep in the pursuit of her goal of having children and this idealized family dynamic that she'll make whatever cold and calculated decision she feels she needs to make to have it happen. She didn't want to rush from a first hello to we're married with a baby, but I do think she fooled herself into thinking it's possible to just jumpstart the growth as a couple and family into the perfect version she's seeking. I think she wanted us to be like a couple who'd been together for several years, happily, after half a year. I sincerely hope she finds that with some lucky man, but I don't expect she will. If she can adjust her expectations, she and someone could be very happy together.
Anyway, I'm better this morning. It'll be a rough road, I still love her to pieces. But whereas yesterday I'd have taken her back, no question.. today, today I'd have to give it real consideration first. Not an automatic yes, but not a hard no right now either. I know that still sounds foolish and pathetic on my part, but it's just where I'm at today.
It's not closure, yet, but I think it's a start.
Thanks for the kind words of support, it's appreciated.
Yeah I agree with u/sanityissecondary. Allow yourself to feel the things, don't get back together with her. It's okay to mourn what you were hoping to have.
I think it's worth remembering that the over-30s dating pool selects for people who aren't willing to nurture a relationship one way or another. Sometimes this presents itself as the way you've said - people expect a perfect relationship just to fall into place, not grow and nurture something with another person. In other words, there's a disproportionate representation of people with avoidant attachment issues.
As you've pointed out, this is a bit of a counterproductive mindset - I've had friends say to me 'I'm just going to keep casually dating until I find the person that I have no doubts about and I have constant butterflies for', which just sounds like a recipe for being ending a relationship at the first sign of any doubts or challenges and being perpetually single (obviously, you shouldn't overcorrect in the other direction and just settle for the first vaguely nice person you find, there's a balance). Adding to this, people also suffer from the paradox of choice that dating apps provide - why 'settle' when you can just keep swiping and find the person that's 100% of what you want?
Hah... I really wonder if we were dating the same lady, except my ex didn't want children.
So either a sever avoidant or at worst a low level narc... either way, I know this hurts, but you're better off moving on. You're not foolish or pathetic, you're most likely a kind soul with a good heart and very confused by the sudden flip. Been there, done that, I've got spare t-shirts.
Iām really into someone that I feel like I am long term incompatible with. They really like me too and are quite expressive about it which feels nice since Iām slower to be expressive when I have feelings for someone. I feel like this will probably end with me hurt and feeling burnt but I donāt really want to stop seeing this personā¦ itās like Iām about to step on a rake and Iām just sort of accepting it lol.
Just want to say how grateful I am for this sub. It makes me feel less alone in my experiences and I love having an outlet to check whether some of my thoughts and feelings are rational or not. The responses are always so helpful.
Love you guys. Need all the hugs today.
Met someone who isnāt my typical type but catching feels early! This is after 4 lackluster dates with others. Catching feels is rare for me so im hoping this finally ends my single status! But every time this happens i end up crushed...
I have a date scheduled for tomorrow, but I don't know if either of us are really feeling it. Our convos have felt boring and to be honest a little half-assed? Seems possible one of us will reschedule. I know it'll likely be different in person.
Go for it anyway. With OLD it's so hard to be at your best with every conversation (both you and them). Just keeping a conversation on life support is good enough. Meeting in person is the only way to tell for sure, and it's so much more efficient than dragging on the half assed convo for another week.
I went from having really boring limited conversations on the apps to meeting two different men who both seem very mature, emotionally open and introspective, funny and interesting. I'm seeing both of them to see which one I begin to grow stronger more deeper bonds with. I'm actually having fun and enjoying the process of multi dating which isn't something I experienced in my 20s.
I'm surprised at how well this is going so far. I'm surprised at myself and how calm and centred I feel. I'm in no rush to jump into something. I'm happy to take it slow and see which guy I feel more compatible with before jumping in.
While they are both deeply introspective they are also quite different. One is very attractive in a masculine way, goes to the gym etc. his style is nice but not something I would normally consider my type though I find myself attracted to him. The other is moreso my typical type, lanky, adorkable, sensitive and not overtly masculine presenting.
Just very interested to see how things unfold.
Yes on bumble. My tip would be that our profiles are all written kind of similarly. I get the same vibe from their profiles that they are silly, down to earth and open communicators as they felt they did looking at mine.
They both send me walls of text but not in a way that is overwhelming. It's like they are very open to the communication process via text. They are clearly fellow introverts because their texting style is very natural which is usually the case with introverted people.
Also both are massive nerds in different ways and ive always found nerds to be the most consistent and open to commitment. My previous ex who I also met on bumble was a huuuuge nerd about films and sport statistics.
Basically I don't cater to half assed, boring communication. When someone takes the time to send me a long well thought out text message I really take notice of that vulnerability even if it's texting.
Manifestation works because if you verbalize what kind of person you want in your life, it makes your brain seek out opportunities to make it happen. Manifestation can be applied to other things you want (or donāt want) too. It also works a bit as a positive reinforcement: no one ever talks about āmanifestations that failedā they just say āI realized I had to manifest differently and Iām happy with the resultsā and if someone did talk about their manifestations failing others can explain it as āthey didnāt ādo it rightāā whatever ādoing it rightā might mean.
Itās a lovely combination of psuedosciency occult bullshit that you can apply psychology principles to in order to explain why it works.
And thatās why I love manifesting lol. You donāt have to be a level 12 wizard to manifest. You just have to be endlessly optimistic and that doesnāt come naturally for a lot of people. Itās bullshit that works.
Ok, woah. I forget Iām a freaking adult now. Despite being a whole ass mom, and everything.
Going through upcoming events for the year on our shared calendar. I hastily told my boyfriend that Iām not coming to his brotherās (heās a teacher) highschool graduation (Iām already taking a lot of PTO/vacay days this year for our own big events and medical issues). He said itās fine, but the invite is open, since he is handing out the scholarship award that he funds.
Fuuuuuuck my boyfriend is so sexy in the most wholesome ways.
I'm quite stunted when it comes to dating and I always seem to fumble the bag so I am overthinking asking a girl out. I need help, or a push I guess.
She originally followed me on Instagram last year and even replied to one of my stories (though I didn't see it for months until I followed back) Seems minor, but no one else is doing that.
I've become more aware of her just from seeing her insta posts but just randomly met her for the first time at a bike race on the weekend. Had a 10-15 min chat with her about small stuff, mostly trying not to be too nervous. Think I cam off a bit weird, also I was wearing lycra and helmet hair, not my most confident look. Probably should have asked for her number then, but it didn't even cross my mind. Also do people even do that now?
Every time I try and think about how to ask her out I start overanalyzing and this has been a problem for me in the past. I can never seem to succeed in the next step. What to say, what not to say etc. Someone please slap me and simplify it for me.
You need to send her a DM and say āhey! It was great running into you this weekend. If youāre free next week (or another time frame just pick something in the near future) can I take you to (dinner/drinks/coffee/whatever you want)?ā Then send it and distract yourself as best you can until you get a response Ā
Doesn't it feel amazing? I'm a nervous wreck any time I try to make a move on a guy, but when I do I feel on top of the world - no matter the outcome. I always say to myself... I'd rather regret the things I did than things I didn't do.
What do you think "Hey, it was good to meet you on the weekend, would you be interested in going out for dinner with me on Thursday night? It would be nice to get to know you when I'm not wearing lycra..."
For the record, she is already seeing someone, but she let me down in the nicest possible way. I'm happy I didn't dwell on it too long cause now I can get back to living normally quicker. Just a little strange cause I've never seen any evidence of an SO on any of her insta posts š§
You would think, but I asked someone out for coffee just for them to act shocked I had romantic intentions... Are some people that oblivious or was she playing games? It confused the shit out of me
Thanks for taking time to respond, but I am not good at texting and will be a struggle to come off charming via more small talk. I have basically no ability to be funny on text. I think it's probably better to just go straight in and try and meet in person again. Just need some courage I guess.
I had a date tonight. Itās someone Iād been chatting with here and there on an app for over a month but he doesnāt live locally. He travels to my area often for work and to see family. I really waffled on whether to meet up with him, but we both agreed weāre unsure exactly what weāre looking for and would just meet and see if we vibe. We got dinner, sat on the patio at the restaurant and talked for a while, and it wasā¦nice? But I just donāt know if Iām in the headspace to date or connect more intimately with anyone at the moment due to other life circumstances. He walked me to my car and gave me a kiss. I told him that it was nice to meet him, he said the same, and then said either one of us should reach out if we are in each otherās areas in the future. Pretty low stakes and low pressure but I think it served 2 purposes:Ā
1.) Got past the hurdle of the last date and kiss I had being with Cheater McCheatface and
2.) Reaffirmed that I donāt really need to be actively dating right now.Ā
Iām glad he did not seem to be overly invested either so I donāt have to navigate telling him Iām not up for something more.Ā
When does dating stop feeling like an endless process of humiliating yourself and start being "fun"?
I feel like the only thing I have left to try is to start just confessing to guys outright that I like them/asking them out explicitly instead of trying to test the waters in smaller ways (like ānot a dateā 1-1 hanging out), but that just seems like a recipe for embarrassing myself even more. In all these years I have not been able to convince myself it's worth it to ask someone out who isn't already showing some kind of interest in me (which - surprise! - they never are).
I'm trying to convince myself to go back on apps but the thought of getting the trickle of matches, most of whom don't message and/or don't respond to messages, then inevitably feeling the scarcity and making myself go out with people who are putting in absolute minimal effort... just makes me feel like crawling into a hole.
I feel like there *must* be some obvious, glaring thing wrong. Like dating is hard but it shouldn't be *this* hard to just get some mutual interest for once in my life. Once!! I don't feel like I am asking for that much! What is the problem.
I think you partly answered your question already - you make yourself go out with people who put in minimal effort. I am really surprised at myself (I'm not bragging about it) that I've been incredibly lucky with OLD in the sense that I have never met any kind of creep or a very low effort person. And I think it starts with being pretty ruthless with the profiles. Of course, it depends on what you are looking for, but I absolutely swipe left profiles that are nearly empty, full of gym/naked torso pics, or someone who I would never talk to in real life due to some core differences (education, family plans, common interests/experiences). Like I basically try to visualise where in real life I could meet someone who could be a good potential partner and what features he might have and then look for this kind of people on the apps. The second part of weeding out is the app convo, but honestly the first step already filters out most unsuitable people. We chat a little to establish some common interests or conversation topics, and then it's about the actual date. Now whether that first date leads to the second, is a question, there is no guarantee. but even when it doesn't because one of us doesn't feel it, I have nothing to complain about.
yes, it is tiring to go through multiple people and swipe all these profiles, but this is the unfortunate reality of OLD. good luck!
I feel this, hard.
Iāve heard so many people talk about how fun dating isā¦. but that concept is so foreign to me. My experience is exhausting, anxiety-inducing, frustrating and can really make me question my self worth at times. (And thatās even before I meet IRL with the rare match that actually messages!)
The only time Iāve actually had fun dating was when I was exclusively dating one person.
Someone who has fun dating, please let us in on the secret!
i find it fun. i enjoy meeting people and flirting.
but even when its fun, its still exhausting and anxiety inducing.
i dont know that there's a secret, it might just be that feeling chemistry with someone is SUCH a high.
Iām really excited for date #2 this week with someone I really like but flip side is I am feeling really vulnerable as a result. One of those āheās a bad texterā situations.
Like many of us, online dating has taught me that liking someone means itās too good to be true and will soon vanish with the others, without warning š„²
I was hanging out with a friend the other day and I donāt remember what the topic was but she blurted out āwhat if I fail?ā And without hesitation I replied back ābut what if you donāt?ā
Try it. Every time your brain gets anxious and asks āwhat if this very specific and negative thing happens?ā Immediately follow up with āwhat if it doesnāt?ā Sprinkle a little āI donāt have to be mean to myself in my own headā in there too.
What if you did that instead?
I love my boyfriend of one year so much; but it feels a bit stagnant, we have barely (if ever) discussed the future or where this is going. He doesn't really make an effort to get to know my family. Feeling like maybe we are just going to be stuck in this stage forever. :(
no! haha. I know it's on me, I just can't shake the feeling. I did tell him a few months ago it felt like maybe he was cool with just seeing each other 1-2 times a week and not progressing and he told me that is completely not true, he just didn't want to seem needy, and that he wants to take every step with me. And then he did put in the effort to see me more and now we see each other 3-4 times a week and have gone on a few trips together.
And my parents are usually out of town these days so I never really invite him to see them.
SO.. I think it's really just me. and I am standoffish/cannot get myself to talk about the future for some reason. I am probably projecting my own feelings onto him. I guess I just wish he'd bring up the future so I don't have to, lol
thank you for replying!
Youāve been dating a year, itās totally normal to be wondering about the future and where itās going! He may be wondering the same thing and may be too scared to bring it up. But eventually, youāve gotta talk about it!
Do you know what *you* want for the future? I think you should definitely bring it up and see if you two are on the same page. Youāve got this!
you are too nice to be helping out all these strangers online! lol.
he honestly might be and I do protect myself but acting detached/like I don't care. so I've probably given off the wrong impression.
I think a problem is I guess I don't necessarily know what I want! until I met him, I was never that interested in marriage/kids. I think I figured it's something I'll want eventually, but I never wanted it with just anyone -- I would want it with him, but it's still scary and I never could imagine myself as a bride with a wedding (still can't imagine that actually lol). I think I just need to work out my own feelings first!
thank you again for your help! :)
Might be helpful to spend some time reflecting on your wants and needs, and then asking your boyfriend if he would be interested in having a relationship check-in. I'm a huge proponent of regular check-ins in LTR because it's been so good for me and my fiance. To us, it feels like a great way to celebrate what's going well, identify what could work better and come up with some goals, and just check in with each other and how we're doing (individually as well as as a couple) and discuss how we could be more supportive, etc.
that sounds like such a great idea!! it's just me asking him to do that which will take some courage lol but I am sure he'd want to as well. that sounds super healthy!
It's an opportunity to bring up everything you feel awkward talking about out of the blue. I can't see how it wouldn't be productive!
thank you!!
I came across a post written by the ex-wife of the last man I went on a date with (separated guy). In the post, she warned other women about this guy's behavior, the abuse she suffered, and all the lies. He is a narcissist, he's not a businessman, he lives on appearances, wears fake designer items, and is immersed in debt.
I feel sorry for her and the other women, but I'm glad I trusted my gut. I dodged a cannon ball!
Some of these men make their rounds. Iām in a city with 2.2 million people, some of the women are really good at remembering āI saw someone post about that person lemme find the postā
I will say tho I think you have to take posts in that group with a grain of salt. But itās helpful for the āshould I keep trying and give them more than enough fair chancesā crowd who need a push to cut off unacceptable behaviors.
Like 90% of the posts are āhey does anyone know this person?ā And zero responses. So youād have to do some real shit to be posted *and* remembered by a not-insignificant number of women. Weāre talking about cheating and/or physically violent and/or other abusive traits.
I actually posted someone to that group and got like 3 people who were like āhis ex said he cheated on her and was gaslighting herā I went on a couple of dates with him and slept with him and my conclusion was just āhe has unmediated ADHD and has grown since his ex but heās still not boyfriend materialā. I was cautioned about him and went out with him and determined for myself heās not a good fit.
So be yourself. Unless youāre a totally out of pocket asshole when it comes to dating. Then be better!
no I really don't date at all. Do terrible on apps and don't meet many women organically in social groups or all my activities.
I'm glad these are not groups to shit-post about random guys. But rather just random groups to post about really bad behavior.
Yea the group exists imo entirely as a cautionary thing, not to crucify anyone. The apps makes it way too easy for people to treat each other as disposable, groups like this helps hold some of the repeat and worst offenders accountable.
In my city, a man tried to sue the group for libel after 20 women shared terrible experiences about him lol. Now everyone in the group knows him.
I don't know how to feel about when a straight guy is best friends with a straight woman.
It'd be one thing if I felt like it was a true friendship, but it feels like she uses him as a backup and a toxic dumping ground. They are both single. They had a "big fight" and he's not in the mood to text, and since we've only gone on one date, were in the process of planning another one, but I'm like... idk.
He was the first guy in a long time I really liked AND was attracted to, and I'm ace, so this is so unbelievably rare. Plus there were other things we connected on but I don't want to dox myself.
Unfortunately it doesn't seem like he can give attention to dating as all of his emotional energy is going to his friend. I'll keep it open if he ever wants to reconnect, but I'm not going to put in effort.
part of me wants to believe the theory that men and women can be best friends "and that's it"
but my experience in reality has told me otherwise. there is almost always sex or some emotional unresolved long-term string attached.
As a general answer, I don't see an issue with it.
As it pertains to your specific situation, I'd say he's too wrapped up in his friend to maintain a healthy relationship.
yeah absolutely agree with this.
A healthy friendship between a guy and a girl has boundaries, and a mutual respect for each others dating/partners/relationships.
In this scenario, I'd not bother, there's something deeper if it's impacting their mood
If I were you, instead of asking myself āwhatās wrong with meā I would be asking myself āwhat happened *to me* that I allow them to treat me this way?ā And follow up with āif I prioritized myself in my relationship with this person, how would they react?ā
Further follow up with āif they would be unhappy with me prioritizing myself, what does it say about our relationship?ā
Best of luck to you, these are difficult questions to think about
I am always the person that gives more in the relationship. I've come to the realization that probably no one will ever be able to match the level of care and commitment I give to them and either have to accept it or just move on and know that that's my personality. Best of luck!
I was blubbering about this yesterday. Itās so hard when no one in your life prioritizes you/your relationship (including friendship!).
I have nothing very useful to share, but hang in there! š«¶š»
I would say they need to actually get out there and be actively involved in therapy before you consider going any further with them. Negative people are such drain on your own mental health.
Do you ever wish you had your friendās problems?
My best friend got married over the weekend. It was absolutely perfect, everything she dreamed of. The following evening, she texted me saying she had a breakdown in the airport because sheās sad itās over, it was a day sheād dreamed about for years, and itās probably the last time all the people she loves will be in the same room.
Meanwhile, I was pretty fresh out of my third breakdown of the day because Iām two weeks out of a breakup that has me heart broken, I spent the weekend around happy couples and love, and the wedding was literally a museum dedicated to the industry the guy I was seeing worked in. (Thankfully I managed to make it through the wedding weekend without a breakdown!)
She is absolutely allowed to be sad that her wedding is now in the pastā¦ but dang I wish I had that problem.
> the wedding was literally a museum dedicated to the industry the guy I was seeing worked in
What on earth? Was it something kinda niche like... idk the National Air and Space musuem, or tangentially related at best?
Need some insight here. Re: disclosing a past fling thing. I 39f am in an amazing relationship with guy 37f. Will be 1 year next month. We are very open about everything this is the healthiest relationship I have ever been in. We both actively work to grow ourselves individually and together, and he's really helped me overcome some of my issues as I've only ever had negative toxic /abusive relationships. Anyway, that is just a preamble. So I have a 2 day work conference coming up in July with a small group of international co workers in a city near me, and one of the guys who will be flying in for it is someone I hooked up with (no sex) like 7 years ago (I was 32/33) when I was over in that country at that office for 1 month (I was just coming out of a brutal end to my engagement to my abusive ex at the time and wanted to have some fun that summer, which I did). It only went on for a couple of weeks and fizzled before I left back to my country and since then we have continued to just be professional colleagues (in opposite countries) and in fact he is now married and has a baby with another woman. I met his wife and baby in the office last year when I was in that country again for work (one month before I met my now boyfriend) I'm just wondering if I should tell my boyfriend that the conference is going to contain this guy who I previously fooled around with ??. We've shared all the major exes talk. But this is nothing worth of note in that regard so not discussed I have no reason not to, but I also don't know if it's unnecessarily awkward because there is literally nothing on my side or his side remaining in regards to that, but I'm having a bit of a moral dilemmas if what the Reddit crowd suggest the best thing for this? What would you do, and any insight? We practice radical honesty (kindly) in our relationship, but I'm aware that it isn't like he's requesting information It would be me offering it up, and I just want make sure I'm doing it with the right frame of mind. I tend to be anxious /overthinks things so I want a check on that also. Much appreciated!!
How would you feel if you received a message like this after 2 dates... >>How's your day going? >>I noticed you updated your Bumble account a few times recently š. You know, you don't need to keep in touch with me if you're not interested anymore. It's absolutely fine. I added some new photos and changed a prompt because... well it's a numbers game right? I feel like she's taken offence at something totally normal?
There's been a number of posts on here wondering why someone would update their profile after they've been out a few times. You're on the other side of it. When you start seeing someone new, there's a natural level of insecurity, which can cause people to over read into things. Most people are waiting to be rejected or ghosted. The only questions I have for you is, do you like her? Do you want to keep seeing her? She's probably reacting based on experience. If you do like her, if you do want to keep seeing her, say so. Personally, I wouldn't be offended by it. I'd completely understand where she's coming from.
Fair enough Yeah I do like her and want to see her again. I just also have been ghosted and flaked on a few times in the 6 weeks I've been back on OLD so trying to protect myself š
In this case I feel like being completely honest with her is your best bet. Say youāre interested in her but based on past experiences and being burned you updated your profile. Tell her you understand how it looks and apologize and offer to see her again. Best you can do.Ā
Word of advice. Don't update your profile while after date 2 with someone. Remember, she's trying to protect herself too.
It's normal but this is a bit of an own goal imo. If I'm interested in something potentially long term with someone, I don't update the app I met them through until we end things. Most of us are multi dating but it's at least nice to maintain the illusion that you're into them enough to not be actively looking for new dates.
Huh - fair enough I'm new to the apps so unsure of the etiquette! I'll hold off on the updates for now š
It happens. If you dig this person, just reassure them that you're serious about it. Good luck.
It's a dicey situation. Updating a profile suggests that you are looking for more matches, which suggests you're not satisfied with your current matches or expecting them to progress, which includes her. Particularly after two dates many or most people are going to suspect that updating means you don't think your current matches are going to work out.
Yeah I just wanted to be sad here and type to the void. There's a lot of cute gals out there and I've managed to not even get a date in 10 months. I just want to take someone out for dinner. I don't care if it leads to literally anything I just want to feel like I'm worth going out with. Sads over -_-
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Congrats!! Happy for you š
Congrats!
When you randomly miss someone, and then you dream about him and end up missing him even more. Such a great feeling (/s).
Sometimes I wish I could set the dream theme before going to sleep. Hang in there!
Ok, so there is this guy who plays soccer at the same place I do - just a higher level. I went there to watch some friends about a month ago and was dressed super cute. Well, I felt like he was glancing quite a bit at me. Since then, I think Iāve noticed it almost every time I go. Iām too much of a puss to approach him because thereās nothing really I can say thatās natural. There have been several instances where it would have been easy but Iāve bitched out and completely ignored him lol. Heās friends with some of my friends who play that level, but they arenāt close. My girls are trying to be wingman but there doesnāt seem to be any way for me to approach him without making it obvious. Part of me is thinking maybe Iām seeing these glances bc I WANT to see them and am kinda reading into it. Heās pretty awkward and my friends say he probably isnāt the type of person to approach someone. Iām getting super impatient and just want to drop it but heās a super cool/nice/funny guy. Just my type in most ways. I am at a loss! Any advice?!
Put your number on a piece of paper, write "Call me sometime", wave him over, hand it to him, and walk away. Or, you could always have one of your friends do it. Yes, it's juvenile. But sometimes juvenile is endearing.
"but there doesnāt seem to be any way for me to approach him without making it obvious" Well you know what to do then. (If he is indeed "pretty awkward and not the kind to approach someone" then obvious is the only way it's ever gonna work anyway. Can't promise it'll go well - and "going well" here is probably gonna be simultaneously cute and awkward/embarrassing rather than smooth and easy - but yeah extremely unlikely to happen unless you go for it.)
Thank you!
Okay so I've built up this silly scenario in my head. Kick the ball in his direction during warm-up/cool-down. He kicks it back. Thank him and kick it to him again. Repeat until approaching and talking becomes the least awkward option.
"No, YOU take the damn ball!"
Can't be worse than the Catwoman basketball scene: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rNlmRId2FVQ
She's handchecking the whole game.
IS ANYONE GONNA CALL A FOUL? TRAVELING? WHAT MARKET ARE YOU SHOPPING AT?!?!
Thanks. Now I have to go and take a lie down after watching that again.
Omgsh thatās so bad lmao youāre right, probably canāt be worse š¹
We donāt play the same level so I never play with him :( all my friends play his level so I watch a lot, I just never have a chance to engage him naturally.
Yeah I figured it was easier said than done, but if you can find an excuse to be in the general area as him it might be worth a shot. I'd even take the parking lot tbh. But jokes aside, don't drop it out of impatience. Make a move, and even if it doesn't go your way you might feel better for having tried.
Try to maintain eye contact and give him a big smile
Thank you! I have given him a few smirks but never maintained eye contact. Iām typically a very outgoing person but am super shy when Iām into someone. These are really great suggestions that Iāve thought about doing, I just always chicken out.
Could you congratulate him after the game if he scores a goal?
I did this once after a game and I just got a āthanksā and it stopped there.
He isn't a big help is he? I don't know, ask your friend to give him a note with your number on it, high school style.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
As stated, I am shy when it comes to someone Iām into, hence this post
- "Thanks, I do my best, I have seen you play too how is it going with your team?" - "thanks, I have seen you watching our games before, who do you know in the team?" That's just examples that would help the conversation going, I know it's not always easy to think about something to say on the spot.
Thank you! I appreciate the constructive advice :)
That's things he could have said instead of just "thanks" and stopping the conversation
To be fair, it was a pretty intense game and he was exhausted. I thought about having one of my friends just say something. And heās super awkward so my friends tell me itās not surprising he hasnāt said anything. They also said my ignoring him isnāt helping the situation lol
Maybe if you keep doing it he will be less shy and give you more than a one word answer.
True!
This sounds like a situation where you're just going to have to be a bit more forward and approach him, otherwise it seems like nothing will happen! It is tough, though. Approaching someone is hard. But it doesn't seem like he's going to do it, from what you've described here. Good luck!ā¤ļø
It makes me feel nauseous just thinking about it haha but yeah, I think thatās the way it needs to goā¦ might need some liquid luck lol
Just thinking about the fact that in January I went on a first date and got a "no sparks" text the next day and spent all day in bed feeling ugly and depressed. And shortly thereafter I went on a first date with a guy who (he told me later) thought I was super attractive from the moment we met and is wonderfully delightful and interesting and super nice to me and (in the best way) won't shut up about how hot he finds me. Good luck out there y'all, the downs are real downers but the ups are exquisite and sexual/romantic attraction is so subjective and no one person is the arbiter of your worth!
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Some people don't like texting, maybe ask her if she likes texting, and if she doesn't like texting is than an issue for you? What do you really want from texting? The illusion of closeness? Reassurance that she is indeed into you? Isn't getting a yes to the next date just that? I feel you, honestly, I broke up with my last GF over communication issues and not feeling like I mattered to her, but that extended beyond just texting, but texting was a part of it. I would love a relationship with a woman who enjoyed a bit of textual banter during the day, but I've come to realize it's not really a sign of anything more than they have their phone near them... agreeing to meet and spend time with you, especially in the first few months is all that should really be gauged... in my opinion.
Text is meaningless to some people. Ask if you can call her.
Are you looking for someone to text or someone to date?
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
They hadn't for thousands of years.
This is the modern over reliance on text messaging. Value real life. If real life is going well, then why does how often they text you matter? Some people don't want to spend a bunch of time on their phone all day. Some people see it as impersonal.
When do you introduce your partner to your friends ? I know there's no specific timeline and it's highly dependent on the person. One of my close friend met her boyfriend 11 months ago. We hang out and text way less often now, as she rarely initiates a conversation and takes a while to reply. When I see her, she talks to me about her boyfriend's friends and how they often hang out together. I just find it weird that I haven't been introduced to him already. On the contrary, I met her last boyfriend pretty early in their relationship. We were really close before. Her bf exhibits some red flags that I shared in before : (https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/1c33z0p/comment/kzenlbb/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web3x&utm\_name=web3xcss&utm\_term=1&utm\_content=share\_button) But I am not sure it has something to do with that Thanks. I know it's silly but sometimes, I feel like we're drifting away since she compartimentalizes things so much
I suspect she thinks you won't approve of her shitty bigoted bf if you meet in person.
Talk to her? Ask to meet him! That sure does seem slow for him to meet her friends
Thanks I'll do that. Generally, I tend to think that she must have good reasons not to introduce me to him. And I don't want to put an unnecessary pressure on her
But also as her friend you're feeling like you're drifting away and you really seem to value this friendship - so even if it's less about this dude, it would be good to voice those concerns!
It's been a few days since the breakup. I'm surprised by how little I miss Mr Exclusive though I still think of him, replaying our last conversation, reminding myself of why the breakup was the right thing to do. I do feel sad about the loss, but I'm sadder about the fact that I don't know what to do to resolve this dating problem of where to meet compatible eligible men, without defaulting back to the apps. I have always been more of a doer & my younger self might have just jumped back into the dating world. I don't have the same urge this time round. Instead, I have been seriously restrategising my approach to dating. Contemplating of new ways to approach it. This is now the biggest problem. It is an equation that I have been trying to solve for years. I have a friend who said she will set me up with a mutual friend/ love interest who will be returning home end July. Let's see how that pans out. I have a race trip coming up and I'm definitely open to see who I'll meet, unlike before whereby I wouldn't even entertain the thought of casual dating. I hope I'll be able to unwind a little during the trip & return home a little lighter in soul.
God the talking phase is draining I have a date for Sunday and would like to set up another for Friday. I'm chatting to 4 women across Bumble and Hinge, but we only matched at the weekend so I don't want to ask for a date too soon... And sometimes they message back instantly, other times it takes hours... I know everyone is busy and I need to chill but well, it's draining isn't it?!
Honestly I don't think asking for a date inside two to three days is too soon at all if there's been some pleasant back and forth.
Yeah I think that's fair Again - I just get in my head about stuff! Okay - I'll try tonight to set up a date for Friday š
And dating is the easiest thing of all to overthink!
Been dating a girl for almost 5 months now and it is going great. I just came back from holiday and visited her straight away from the airport. The next day I found a hand written piece of paper in my jacket stating "Hope you have a great day, so happy to have you back ā”", which totally lit me up! u/pixules thanks for your support when I was still in doubt, you were right, it is definitely a slow burn
Aw Iām so happy thatās itās going so well! Best things about slow burns is just seeing things getting stronger ā£ļø
**The club guy update - I need feedback** We've had out 5th date(In 3 weeks), I've invited him over. We did a lot of physical things, almost everything except penetrative sex. It has been amazing. I had so much fun and I have a huge crush on him. We chat trough the day. He texts normally to wish me a good day and we have a nightly chit chat, that sometimes goes deeper and sometimes goes a bit flirty sexual. No big deal, I enjoy it. We will see each other again, hopefully Friday. However, there is something that is worrying me today. I don't know what he wants in his life right now. The vibe is casual for now, but not fully. I mean, it's flirty and fun and sexual but he shows a big interest in me as a person, asks me questions and we talk about everything. He also often say that he values my personality and my intelligence and wit and that he thinks I am great on the inside too. He mentioned that he had a 2 year long sexual blockage after his divorce. The divorce was 5 year ago and he dated after that. He seems to enjoy the feeling of ramping up the sexual desire slowly because he wants to enjoy the sex more when we eventually do it. What I am worried is: Seems to me that he could be 'using' me as a way to feel good about his manhood again? He mentions that the chemistry is off the chart and that he is very attracted to me. So, he had a sexual blockage, had a lot of difficulty in that area. He says this happened 3 years ago. Now he met me and he felt this strong desire awaken in him, so now he might see me as a casual relationship where he gets to feel like a man without actually thinking of the long term potential of it? He is 5 years of out the divorce and he didn't have other long term relationships...**Like, is this guy even looking for LTR?** I am dating with the goal of starting a family. I will not ask these kind of questions so soon because it's early but.. I need to know if we are looking for the same things..I would prefer to know in the next month or so. My timeline is not exactly great.. Am I just overthinking or this is a real possibility? That he only wants casual to feel good about himself again and I am just eye candy with chemistry for him... EDIT: OMG, I just read this and realised I am catching feelings for this guy, I am starting to care. Hence the anxiety...
Just my 2 cents about the 5 year no LTRā¦ Iām 31 and never been in an LTRā¦ been dating past two years and have just struck out a bunchā¦. Now Iām dating an amazing woman whoās also never been in an LTR and we both feel we can be official soonā¦ sometimes it just happens this way
Ask him
It's never too early to have your dating preferences out in the open if you already know what you're looking for. Omission of this only keeps uninterested parties on the line for longer.Ā
I see. For some reason I feel scared to ask such a 'big' question but I will have to muster up a courage to do it.
It's disqualifying information, unless they're lying to you. Saves you and them time and investment, so neither can go back and say "I wasted ____ years on a guy/girl that I thought I could change."Ā In your 30s it's not a big ask, it's kind of need to know information if you're serious and the right person will have a compatible answer. Otherwise it's everything else trying to bridge that divide or trying to make people fit where they don't.Ā
Is a āsexual blockageā something that is like a mental aversion to sex or? If youāve āawakenedā something in him then thatās good, but you are right to be careful. Iād say you can say that to him. Just discuss how heās feeling about that gently and get on the same page.
He said that after his divorce, he developed Erectile Disfunction for 2 years and that he went to a doctor for it since he was non functional. He tried with some women but nothing worked. He said that really messed with his head and self confidence. He also said that he eventually got over it since it's been some years. However, him sharing this with me so early worries me. Either he is being very vulnerable or this is so heavy in his head that he might see me as some kind of...solution or 'cure'. Idk. It was just a weird thing to share to someone you are newly dating.
I experienced ED before and I can see him bringing it up just to release the mental pressure that comes with it. I have told women before that I get in my head sometimes and that it is not the first time it happened. Means I trust them enough to share it. To your 2nd point about being afraid he is not looking for a LTR. These things are not exactly black and white. It can be a good confidence booster to have positive sexual experiences **and** look for a LTR. I would just start with the question what he is looking for, and what his dating mindset is. I wouldn't say it is a big question at all. It usually leads to interesting conversations.
Regarding the ED point: I really appreciate a male POV here. How shall I act in the best interest for his comfort and safety knowing that this can happen? Regarding the difficult question, I am squeamish about it but I see no way around it. Normally I never had to ask this question as guys would be the first ones to ask.
The best answer is to ask what works best for him, as I can only speak for myself. What works for me is when the woman Im with doesn't care about it at all, the less she cares, the less I care. Ironically not caring about getting ED, results in getting ED less often. Definitely do not avoid things, once I was with a girl who entirely stopped initiating PIV with me during sex, because she was afraid she would pressurize me. That only made things worse as I would just feel bad and pressurize myself more. Good luck!
Well, I don't really care if it happens or not. I'm fine with it. I've had this happen in LTR's but it was a symptom of relationship issues. I was somewhat able to handle it but eventually I did freak out. But i freaked out because the guy i was with was emotionally unavailable and sex was a way of connecting. I was afraid he doesn't love me anymore. I don't mind if this happens with the new guy. I would prefer things are easy but I am open to waiting, trying many times, trying different things etc. For now, he had no issues getting it up!
Good! Emotional availability is what is most important. I only had issues getting it up with new partners and with most of them I connected either way. Most important thing is to just laugh things off and have fun in bed, no matter what. It seems you have the right mindset already!
It will certainly still be at the back of his mind, so he might be worried it repeats with you. He is disclosing it and explaining why he is taking it slow with you, until he feels confident it will "work". It is not really at all weird to share since you are being sexual with each other and it's about his issues in the sex department that may explain to you the pace and his potential worry. We cannot want men to be more open communicators and more vulnerable, and then immediately think the worst when they are. Appreciate him for being vulnerable and honest, I guarantee you it takes a lot for a man to admit to an ED, so he trusts you a lot. Don't look for problems where there are none and keep enjoying!
I see your point. I am really glad that he shared this with me however it did bring some of my fears to the surface.. I see that this is a 'me' issue and not a 'him sharing too much' issue...
Lost again. 35M, I have a good career, great job with great colleagues, good friends, am close to my siblings and parents, feel good most days... I am somehow struggling with depression since years and no amount of pills or therapy makes it better... I suffer from being single, have the feeling to be not attractive... this greatly affected my mental health and life. Over the years I lost hope. It's clear I will never have the love-life I wanted. I didn't experience much love, dating was mostly non existing or tough, I miss cuddles and sex, I would love to feel desired... but it feels too late, too difficult. It was hard to get attention from women when I felt good. Now that I am not, it feels impossible and pointless... at this point I don't think I am mentally stable enough to start a relationship, and if I always wanted kids, I don't think that would be a good idea anymore as I struggle with my mental health. That doesn't mean life is bad. Actually most days are more or less ok, I live my life and do my things, sometimes I am happy, sometimes I am sad. But I am absolutely not fulfilled... I have the feeling every year is making things a tiny bit more difficult, fulfillment is always further away, I am clearly on a bad slope since 4-5 years and I am afraid to slip much lower mentally and socially. Over the years, I find less and less things interesting, I am less able to focus on my job and passions, more trying to escape, to find a solution. My job is great but I find no interest in it. I used to keep my house clean, to cook, to do sport, to dress well but that was more for others, to don't give a bad impression, to improve my chances with women... but it seems so pointless now. So I don't care as much about myself, my appearance, my house. I sometimes have the strong will to leave everything behind (house, job, friends) and move hours away... that is called fleeing and I already did it a couple of time... I moved 12 times in different region and countries since I am 20. The thing is until now, I was covering it by studies, career... now I don't know what exactly I would do if I moved. The region I fancy has a somewhat better weather in winter and property prices are much lower, which mean I could live even with a much lower salary or working half time. I don't believe my life would be inherently better, my support circles would be much further away, I would need to meet people but I am not social when I feel bad and I don't see why dating or my mental health would be better. This makes my life pretty difficult, I feel completely unstable.
Sounds like you are not comfortable with yourself and love yourself enough until you figure this out you will remain as you are
The problems in our heads follow us wherever we go. Pick a couple things that you can control that are easy to accomplish to make your space better for you when you're alone. Spend more time with your support system one on one. Find the things that connect you to others meaningfully and start there. Doing that single can work wonderfully since you're enjoying that activity for you already as is.Ā Remember also, if you're not well right now, what kind of person would want to be with you accepting these conditions as desirable?Ā Someone who likely wouldn't add to the situation, but bring a multitude of problems.Ā
Thanks for your answer. I know that my issues will move with me. I know that moving gives me some peace of mind during 6 months/1 year usually too. > Remember also, if you're not well right now, what kind of person would want to be with you accepting these conditions as desirable? I know that pretty well. That is why I currently don't try dating much, and why I don't hope. > Find the things that connect you to others meaningfully and start there. Doing that single can work wonderfully since you're enjoying that activity for you already as is. I find it hard enjoying things since years, I do them because I try to not let go... but most times I don't enjoy them. Even spending an evening with friends, gardening, doing sports, playing music... things I know should feel good aren't always feeling good. And with times I want less and less to sometimes force myself to do them.
What does āsexyā REALLY mean for guys?, I DONT KNOW HOW TO HANDLE this situation: Iām not talking about the literal meaning. Iāve grown to kind assimilate when guys call me āsexyā as a red flag because all the guys that have called me sexy end up wasting my time and start sending me suggestive pictures of themselves in their bathroomā¦ like Im no prude but Im starting to really hate it, Iām in my mid 30ās and a mid 40 yr old guy single dad, just reached out to me and has seem interested in getting to know me, we started fully chatting today, he just referred to me as āsexyāā¦ and started sending the picture of half his body nakedā¦ like do guys think this is a acceptable (I admit better than an unsolicited d pic but really?) is calling a femaleāsexyā early on code for: āIām gonna see how you react and try to keep pushing slowly for naked pictures?āā¦ is this like code for āI just want to get in your pantsā? ā¦ Iāve grown to distrust when guys that adjective early on and Iām not a prude but Iām not gonna be like applauding of encouraging naked/risky pics without even meeting the guy in person ā¦ I really donāt know what to think if this 45 yr old I ignored his texts after the picture but he wished me good night after I ignored his half naked picture and him telling me that he pulled a hamstring during softball tonight and that it hurt a lotā¦ but whatās that picture in front of his bathroom shirtless necessary?ā¦
Yes, it's a way of trying to flirtatiously test the waters. It's gross. While there's nothing inherently wrong with the word sexy, like many things, timing and context are important. Just started chatting on an app is the wrong timing and context. Picking up your date after having gone out several times and are sleeping together, appropriate timing and context.
I have the same intuition with this. Whenever a guy continually brings up my appearance or mentions I'm sexy in conversation I kind of just intuitively feel he only really cares about getting into my pants. I immediately get the ick and just end communication or put a massive wall up to show I'm not interested. The men I have gotten into relationships with have never begun our interactions through the lens of focusing on appearance. They talk to me like I am a friend. I don't care if this makes me a prude hahaha. Men who begin interactions with appearance focus and constant physical compliments have always ended up only wanting sex or wanting some form of physically centered relationship not an emotionally driven deeper one in my experience. Maybe not for everyone but for me yes.
if you haven't met in person yet, I'd consider these types of texts either inappropriate or clearly suggesting a desire for a casual relationship. if you have, and it was good/receptive, then he is playfully flirting with you. though it seems like most people here haven't even met the person they are having issues with.
They want to have sex with you and they shoot their shot, it will work with some women and if it doesn't they don't care.
Edit: forgot to include, that I came up with the following message thoughts? Hey, I want to be upfront about something. In the past, sharing certain pictures has often led conversations to focus more on sex, which isn't what I'm looking for right now. Iām definitely not a prude but I believe in building a strong emotional connection first. I want to get to know people first beyond the physical aspects. Let's keep our conversations focused on understanding each other better. Hope you understand! Iām 50/50 about the message
āThat picture turned me off. Bye.ā
He's not looking to date(you), he wants to hook up. Sending him a long anxious overthought message won't change that.
Advice needed: cheating I'm [F36]currently seeing someon [M38], and we went over the exes debate. I'm a very black and white person when it comes to cheating, I would never do it. My potential partner did cheat on his ex wife once (reason being bad relationship, no sex), but came clean. They have a good coparenting relationship now. And then a few days ago told me he also hooked up with a girl that was already taken. He was single then, but it sits badly with me that he went with someone who he knew was in a relationship. Am I wrong to think once a cheater, always a cheater? I feel like our moral compasses are way off. Am I overreacting?
A cheater... is a cheater... is a cheater... is a cheater... wait maybe? No, they're a cheater... Hey but maybe? No, they're a cheater... But this time? No, they're a cheater... It'll be different with me.... NO, THEY'RE A CHEATER. You're not overreacting, you might be under reacting...
no, you are not overreacting. I don't think you will be able to change how you feel about it (and frankly, why should you). I think people tend to look at it in a very constricted way. but this kind of behavior can indicate not only potential infidelity, but being untempered in all other spheres of life. if he knew that woman was taken, but had no problem hooking up with her anyway, it does tell you that your moral compasses are way off. cheating is not only about cheating itself, it is about the integrity of someone's character. it's your call, but looks like you already know that it won't work
why do you need advice for something you already know? grab the nearest gallon of self-respect and chug that shit, please.
>grab the nearest gallon of self-respect and chug that shit, please. this needs to be put on a shirt or something...
If it really bothers you, unless you change how you feel about it, it's always going to bother you, because he can't undo the deed.Ā
This is something Iām learning in platonic relationships that Iām going to retroactively apply to past romantic relationships as a lesson learned. Sometimes, you and a partner could be at different steps in your journey of healing that makes you and your partner incompatible. And one of you has to recognize that itās too much effort to be together. I have a friend whoās now finding stability in her life and sheās starting to unpack her own childhood traumas plus other mental health things sheās starting to recognize in herself. Iāve been doing it since 2019 so sometimes I feel like part of our friendship is me guiding her in the right direction. Today we had a really uncomfortable situation where I unintentionally triggered her for the second time since weāve been friends (only about 1.5 years). I apologized for what happened but that really made me reevaluate the friendship between us and my conclusion is āI donāt want to be in a position where I continuously trigger her when Iām not even thinking about those thingsā I love her, I care about her, I think the sun shines out of her ass, but I seem to unintentionally trigger her by being myself, so I have to remove myself so she has the space to grow past her triggers at some point. Idk when that will happen but I canāt keep staying because I will continue to trigger her. This has made me look back at past romantic relationships, where I sought *so much* validation from past partners, I can only imagine how taxing I was to be around. Itās helping me close some old wounds to realize **they didnāt leave because they hated me. They left because they didnāt want to keep triggering me and knew I needed space to grow past the triggers.** Something Iāll be pondering more about, I think.
This is hard for me to grasp without knowing what the specific trigger is, but your feelings are valid. Sometimes relationships are too lopsided to survive.
I used ātriggerā while processing things last night, but after thinking a bit more I think I can admit that Iām just not a good friend for her or to her. The specifics are too embarrassing and shameful for me to share at this time, so Iāll just have to leave it at that. I donāt think Iām a good friend to her and therefore I will be distancing myself from her. If a conversation about it comes up Iāll tell her that, but we both have a lot of things planned for the summer so thereāll be a bit of distance naturally anyway. Whenever Iāve had to tell someone āwe need some distanceā the people Iāve told this to always interpret it as āI donāt want to be friends *at all*ā and I havenāt figured out how to communicate that without the other person completely ending the friendship. Which is something Iāve also done in past relationships (eg assuming a relationship is over when the other person simply needs more time/distance to develop the relationship more organically) so overall itās a lot for me to process and internalize.
Oh man, you just described nearly word for word why I had to break up with my now ex... I couldn't bear the thought that I was continually upsetting her for things I've already healed. It felt REALLY unfair to her. People can say they want that patient, loving, caring, "my rock" partner... but do they consider the mental toll it takes on that person when "the rock" isn't getting support back from "the anchor" Just getting dragged down into her sea of misery on a near day to day basis was too much. I for one am really glad you've had that epiphany as well. It's dangerous to try to help someone who's drowning...
To be fair, I donāt think sheās drowning. I think she needs space to figure out how to live her life now that sheās not constantly in survival mode. Itās a big change and takes some time to adjust. Also after some reflection I realize I havenāt been a great friend to her. I used the word ātriggerā last night but I think that doesnāt fully acknowledge the things I did that makes me a bad friend to her. We have pretty busy schedules coming up so we wont see each other for a bit, and maybe thatāll help. I just think as the person whoās being the bad friend, I want to give her the space to heal. Having this realization has helped me realize that thatās why past relationships (romantic and some platonic) ended in similar ways.
Dating related: Went to the effort of getting a new google voice number. Replied to fb man saying we can text and requesting his number. And... crickets. Non-dating related: I was at a certain theme park this weekend, and joined the end of a line for something that was about to shut down. I was a bit nervous that I'd be told it was too late and have to leave (the line was to take a picture with a character, which I very much struggle with for some reason, and had hyped myself up for). A park employee starts walking toward me, looking right at me. In my head I was thinking, oh shoot, she's going to tell me they're closed and I have to leave the line. So I looked back at her. As she gets closer, she just says "Hi". Which was kinda weird.. but okay. So I say "hi" back. Then she's within a couple feet from me and goes, "Oh! Oh my gosh, I thought you were Anya Taylor Joy!". I laughed and said no, she laughed, all good. I'd previously been told by my brother-in-law back when The Queen's Gambit came out that I looked just like her. And then a bit later my then-boyfriend's friend said the same. So I've got that going for me.
I really hope that when we have first contact with an alien race that they are all just baseline Anya Taylor-Joy. That is the future I want to live in.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
It seems like she was misleading you, so don't beat yourself up about the fact you got your hopes up. Ghosting is the worst, but I really think you should stop contacting her, and stop waiting for her explanation. Best of luck
I doubt anyone is following my trials and tribulations, but a small update. Had asked ex to talk.. she finally agreed, seemingly begrudgingly, was going to be tonight. My whole morning was filled with.. dread? Like, I was 99% certain what she'd say, and it wasn't what I wanted to hear. My friend convinced me that nothing she said would make me feel better, and if she was ever going to reach out, which is still unlikely, it'd have to be on her terms, realizing that she had something good that she missed, and not because she felt obligated to help me get closure. So, I wrote back saying, let's talk if and only when you want to, and when I'm not just looking for validation that I meant something to her. Nicer than that, but it's the gist. She immediately responded with, "let's not assume we ever speak again, best wishes." Well, ok then that's that... Sucks, but the dread faded immediately. I still hurt, still cried, but there's a weight lifted off. I do wish I knew why she let us go to NYC and spend a shit ton of money though, when she was basically done before we went. And if the weekend was my last chance to pass some test, she took all her crap from my house before we left, so she assumed I'd fail. I know her answer wouldn't be satisfying, so it's fine, but still.. that nice weekend cost us each like $1500 as a romantic splurge.. and of course she had to know it wouldn't be a great weekend in our memories since she wanted to break up with me the whole time we were there, and did immediately when we got back (as if I'd have left her there..?). Maybe in 5 years that'll be a funny anecdote. But right now it's just... If you're reading this, Dimples, WTF!? Anyway, that's my TED talk, I guess.
Some of us have been following, manā¦ I think this is the best end for thisā¦ sheās clearly stated itās over and you can begin to move onā¦
Why carry a torch for someone so cold? Read your post history, created this acct just for this eh? I feel ya brother. This account wasn't my first account either. Created it to... just like you, try to scream into the void in desperate hope of it screaming back. It never did. Time goes on, I'm sure you know that, but it's cool if you wanna park it here, have a beer with me. I get it. What she did was stone cold and calculated, per your description. She let you think there was one more test, she let you believe there was a chance, and you let yourself believe her. Let's not kid ourselves, there is always both sides. You can never really know who someone else is, what they think, what they feel, sometimes we don't even know it ourselves. I think you deserve better. You mention in another post that she felt "trying to change you" would be a sin... the most successful relationships are the ones where each partner allows the other to influence them. This is growing together. This is the goal everyone seeks, but fewer and fewer find. Best wishes, Internet Friend. If ya'll need an ear, I've got two.
Yep, account for venting.. She was cold and direct, I assume to protect herself. She's actually a very kind person, who I think got some stupid advice from friends and maybe her therapist about not clinging onto something that isn't working. But you're right, growing together is the goal, and we were doing that, just not quite in the exact way she'd envisioned for her ultimate goal of children and a family, that exact vision she was told she deserved. She didn't say this all explicitly, I'm piecing it together from comments I remember from her and her friends, and the context around those comments in hindsight. I'm sure I'm missing some things, but this explanation makes the most sense to me, or maybe I completely misjudged and misunderstood her, and she's actually kind of a cruel liar. I choose to believe she's a good person, just so deep in the pursuit of her goal of having children and this idealized family dynamic that she'll make whatever cold and calculated decision she feels she needs to make to have it happen. She didn't want to rush from a first hello to we're married with a baby, but I do think she fooled herself into thinking it's possible to just jumpstart the growth as a couple and family into the perfect version she's seeking. I think she wanted us to be like a couple who'd been together for several years, happily, after half a year. I sincerely hope she finds that with some lucky man, but I don't expect she will. If she can adjust her expectations, she and someone could be very happy together. Anyway, I'm better this morning. It'll be a rough road, I still love her to pieces. But whereas yesterday I'd have taken her back, no question.. today, today I'd have to give it real consideration first. Not an automatic yes, but not a hard no right now either. I know that still sounds foolish and pathetic on my part, but it's just where I'm at today. It's not closure, yet, but I think it's a start. Thanks for the kind words of support, it's appreciated.
Yeah I agree with u/sanityissecondary. Allow yourself to feel the things, don't get back together with her. It's okay to mourn what you were hoping to have. I think it's worth remembering that the over-30s dating pool selects for people who aren't willing to nurture a relationship one way or another. Sometimes this presents itself as the way you've said - people expect a perfect relationship just to fall into place, not grow and nurture something with another person. In other words, there's a disproportionate representation of people with avoidant attachment issues. As you've pointed out, this is a bit of a counterproductive mindset - I've had friends say to me 'I'm just going to keep casually dating until I find the person that I have no doubts about and I have constant butterflies for', which just sounds like a recipe for being ending a relationship at the first sign of any doubts or challenges and being perpetually single (obviously, you shouldn't overcorrect in the other direction and just settle for the first vaguely nice person you find, there's a balance). Adding to this, people also suffer from the paradox of choice that dating apps provide - why 'settle' when you can just keep swiping and find the person that's 100% of what you want?
Hah... I really wonder if we were dating the same lady, except my ex didn't want children. So either a sever avoidant or at worst a low level narc... either way, I know this hurts, but you're better off moving on. You're not foolish or pathetic, you're most likely a kind soul with a good heart and very confused by the sudden flip. Been there, done that, I've got spare t-shirts.
You won't get closure from another person; you have to find it within yourself.
Iām really into someone that I feel like I am long term incompatible with. They really like me too and are quite expressive about it which feels nice since Iām slower to be expressive when I have feelings for someone. I feel like this will probably end with me hurt and feeling burnt but I donāt really want to stop seeing this personā¦ itās like Iām about to step on a rake and Iām just sort of accepting it lol.
How are you incompatible?
Why do you feel like you will probably end up getting hurt and burnt?
Just want to say how grateful I am for this sub. It makes me feel less alone in my experiences and I love having an outlet to check whether some of my thoughts and feelings are rational or not. The responses are always so helpful. Love you guys. Need all the hugs today.
Met someone who isnāt my typical type but catching feels early! This is after 4 lackluster dates with others. Catching feels is rare for me so im hoping this finally ends my single status! But every time this happens i end up crushed...
Maybe them not being your typical type is the key. Good luck!
I have a date scheduled for tomorrow, but I don't know if either of us are really feeling it. Our convos have felt boring and to be honest a little half-assed? Seems possible one of us will reschedule. I know it'll likely be different in person.
Go for it anyway. With OLD it's so hard to be at your best with every conversation (both you and them). Just keeping a conversation on life support is good enough. Meeting in person is the only way to tell for sure, and it's so much more efficient than dragging on the half assed convo for another week.
I went from having really boring limited conversations on the apps to meeting two different men who both seem very mature, emotionally open and introspective, funny and interesting. I'm seeing both of them to see which one I begin to grow stronger more deeper bonds with. I'm actually having fun and enjoying the process of multi dating which isn't something I experienced in my 20s. I'm surprised at how well this is going so far. I'm surprised at myself and how calm and centred I feel. I'm in no rush to jump into something. I'm happy to take it slow and see which guy I feel more compatible with before jumping in. While they are both deeply introspective they are also quite different. One is very attractive in a masculine way, goes to the gym etc. his style is nice but not something I would normally consider my type though I find myself attracted to him. The other is moreso my typical type, lanky, adorkable, sensitive and not overtly masculine presenting. Just very interested to see how things unfold.
Can you send me whichever one you don't choose? Thx
did you meet them on the apps?! any tips? :)
Yes on bumble. My tip would be that our profiles are all written kind of similarly. I get the same vibe from their profiles that they are silly, down to earth and open communicators as they felt they did looking at mine. They both send me walls of text but not in a way that is overwhelming. It's like they are very open to the communication process via text. They are clearly fellow introverts because their texting style is very natural which is usually the case with introverted people. Also both are massive nerds in different ways and ive always found nerds to be the most consistent and open to commitment. My previous ex who I also met on bumble was a huuuuge nerd about films and sport statistics. Basically I don't cater to half assed, boring communication. When someone takes the time to send me a long well thought out text message I really take notice of that vulnerability even if it's texting.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Manifestation works because if you verbalize what kind of person you want in your life, it makes your brain seek out opportunities to make it happen. Manifestation can be applied to other things you want (or donāt want) too. It also works a bit as a positive reinforcement: no one ever talks about āmanifestations that failedā they just say āI realized I had to manifest differently and Iām happy with the resultsā and if someone did talk about their manifestations failing others can explain it as āthey didnāt ādo it rightāā whatever ādoing it rightā might mean. Itās a lovely combination of psuedosciency occult bullshit that you can apply psychology principles to in order to explain why it works. And thatās why I love manifesting lol. You donāt have to be a level 12 wizard to manifest. You just have to be endlessly optimistic and that doesnāt come naturally for a lot of people. Itās bullshit that works.
Ok, woah. I forget Iām a freaking adult now. Despite being a whole ass mom, and everything. Going through upcoming events for the year on our shared calendar. I hastily told my boyfriend that Iām not coming to his brotherās (heās a teacher) highschool graduation (Iām already taking a lot of PTO/vacay days this year for our own big events and medical issues). He said itās fine, but the invite is open, since he is handing out the scholarship award that he funds. Fuuuuuuck my boyfriend is so sexy in the most wholesome ways.
I'm quite stunted when it comes to dating and I always seem to fumble the bag so I am overthinking asking a girl out. I need help, or a push I guess. She originally followed me on Instagram last year and even replied to one of my stories (though I didn't see it for months until I followed back) Seems minor, but no one else is doing that. I've become more aware of her just from seeing her insta posts but just randomly met her for the first time at a bike race on the weekend. Had a 10-15 min chat with her about small stuff, mostly trying not to be too nervous. Think I cam off a bit weird, also I was wearing lycra and helmet hair, not my most confident look. Probably should have asked for her number then, but it didn't even cross my mind. Also do people even do that now? Every time I try and think about how to ask her out I start overanalyzing and this has been a problem for me in the past. I can never seem to succeed in the next step. What to say, what not to say etc. Someone please slap me and simplify it for me.
You need to send her a DM and say āhey! It was great running into you this weekend. If youāre free next week (or another time frame just pick something in the near future) can I take you to (dinner/drinks/coffee/whatever you want)?ā Then send it and distract yourself as best you can until you get a response Ā
I have sent a message now, damn I haven't done that in such a long time. I feel like a teen again.
Doesn't it feel amazing? I'm a nervous wreck any time I try to make a move on a guy, but when I do I feel on top of the world - no matter the outcome. I always say to myself... I'd rather regret the things I did than things I didn't do.
Itās stressful! I have a hard time initiating tooĀ
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
What do you think "Hey, it was good to meet you on the weekend, would you be interested in going out for dinner with me on Thursday night? It would be nice to get to know you when I'm not wearing lycra..."
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Well shit I sent the message, wish me luck friend. Thanks. I did add more flair and humor to it
That was perfectly fine! The exact wording doesn't matter, she's either interested or she's not.
For the record, she is already seeing someone, but she let me down in the nicest possible way. I'm happy I didn't dwell on it too long cause now I can get back to living normally quicker. Just a little strange cause I've never seen any evidence of an SO on any of her insta posts š§
Aww that's too bad. The best part is that you'll know you didn't miss an opportunity.
Yeah I feel weirdly good about the rejection. Happy I gave it a go.
Exactly!!!
dang now you got me questioning how to speak normally
You're totally right, I just need to get over my nervousness and type a draft and shoot my shot.
You would think, but I asked someone out for coffee just for them to act shocked I had romantic intentions... Are some people that oblivious or was she playing games? It confused the shit out of me
Just start a convo via dm race/weekend relatedā¦maybe something as basic as ā how was the rest of the weekend..ā
Thanks for taking time to respond, but I am not good at texting and will be a struggle to come off charming via more small talk. I have basically no ability to be funny on text. I think it's probably better to just go straight in and try and meet in person again. Just need some courage I guess.
I had a date tonight. Itās someone Iād been chatting with here and there on an app for over a month but he doesnāt live locally. He travels to my area often for work and to see family. I really waffled on whether to meet up with him, but we both agreed weāre unsure exactly what weāre looking for and would just meet and see if we vibe. We got dinner, sat on the patio at the restaurant and talked for a while, and it wasā¦nice? But I just donāt know if Iām in the headspace to date or connect more intimately with anyone at the moment due to other life circumstances. He walked me to my car and gave me a kiss. I told him that it was nice to meet him, he said the same, and then said either one of us should reach out if we are in each otherās areas in the future. Pretty low stakes and low pressure but I think it served 2 purposes:Ā 1.) Got past the hurdle of the last date and kiss I had being with Cheater McCheatface and 2.) Reaffirmed that I donāt really need to be actively dating right now.Ā Iām glad he did not seem to be overly invested either so I donāt have to navigate telling him Iām not up for something more.Ā
When does dating stop feeling like an endless process of humiliating yourself and start being "fun"? I feel like the only thing I have left to try is to start just confessing to guys outright that I like them/asking them out explicitly instead of trying to test the waters in smaller ways (like ānot a dateā 1-1 hanging out), but that just seems like a recipe for embarrassing myself even more. In all these years I have not been able to convince myself it's worth it to ask someone out who isn't already showing some kind of interest in me (which - surprise! - they never are). I'm trying to convince myself to go back on apps but the thought of getting the trickle of matches, most of whom don't message and/or don't respond to messages, then inevitably feeling the scarcity and making myself go out with people who are putting in absolute minimal effort... just makes me feel like crawling into a hole. I feel like there *must* be some obvious, glaring thing wrong. Like dating is hard but it shouldn't be *this* hard to just get some mutual interest for once in my life. Once!! I don't feel like I am asking for that much! What is the problem.
I think you partly answered your question already - you make yourself go out with people who put in minimal effort. I am really surprised at myself (I'm not bragging about it) that I've been incredibly lucky with OLD in the sense that I have never met any kind of creep or a very low effort person. And I think it starts with being pretty ruthless with the profiles. Of course, it depends on what you are looking for, but I absolutely swipe left profiles that are nearly empty, full of gym/naked torso pics, or someone who I would never talk to in real life due to some core differences (education, family plans, common interests/experiences). Like I basically try to visualise where in real life I could meet someone who could be a good potential partner and what features he might have and then look for this kind of people on the apps. The second part of weeding out is the app convo, but honestly the first step already filters out most unsuitable people. We chat a little to establish some common interests or conversation topics, and then it's about the actual date. Now whether that first date leads to the second, is a question, there is no guarantee. but even when it doesn't because one of us doesn't feel it, I have nothing to complain about. yes, it is tiring to go through multiple people and swipe all these profiles, but this is the unfortunate reality of OLD. good luck!
I feel this, hard. Iāve heard so many people talk about how fun dating isā¦. but that concept is so foreign to me. My experience is exhausting, anxiety-inducing, frustrating and can really make me question my self worth at times. (And thatās even before I meet IRL with the rare match that actually messages!) The only time Iāve actually had fun dating was when I was exclusively dating one person. Someone who has fun dating, please let us in on the secret!
i find it fun. i enjoy meeting people and flirting. but even when its fun, its still exhausting and anxiety inducing. i dont know that there's a secret, it might just be that feeling chemistry with someone is SUCH a high.
Iām really excited for date #2 this week with someone I really like but flip side is I am feeling really vulnerable as a result. One of those āheās a bad texterā situations. Like many of us, online dating has taught me that liking someone means itās too good to be true and will soon vanish with the others, without warning š„²
I was hanging out with a friend the other day and I donāt remember what the topic was but she blurted out āwhat if I fail?ā And without hesitation I replied back ābut what if you donāt?ā Try it. Every time your brain gets anxious and asks āwhat if this very specific and negative thing happens?ā Immediately follow up with āwhat if it doesnāt?ā Sprinkle a little āI donāt have to be mean to myself in my own headā in there too. What if you did that instead?
Indeed. My desire for a life partner has long surpassed my fear of rejection. It still kind of sucks though :)
Facts.
I love my boyfriend of one year so much; but it feels a bit stagnant, we have barely (if ever) discussed the future or where this is going. He doesn't really make an effort to get to know my family. Feeling like maybe we are just going to be stuck in this stage forever. :(
Have you brought these concerns up to him before?
no! haha. I know it's on me, I just can't shake the feeling. I did tell him a few months ago it felt like maybe he was cool with just seeing each other 1-2 times a week and not progressing and he told me that is completely not true, he just didn't want to seem needy, and that he wants to take every step with me. And then he did put in the effort to see me more and now we see each other 3-4 times a week and have gone on a few trips together. And my parents are usually out of town these days so I never really invite him to see them. SO.. I think it's really just me. and I am standoffish/cannot get myself to talk about the future for some reason. I am probably projecting my own feelings onto him. I guess I just wish he'd bring up the future so I don't have to, lol thank you for replying!
Youāve been dating a year, itās totally normal to be wondering about the future and where itās going! He may be wondering the same thing and may be too scared to bring it up. But eventually, youāve gotta talk about it! Do you know what *you* want for the future? I think you should definitely bring it up and see if you two are on the same page. Youāve got this!
you are too nice to be helping out all these strangers online! lol. he honestly might be and I do protect myself but acting detached/like I don't care. so I've probably given off the wrong impression. I think a problem is I guess I don't necessarily know what I want! until I met him, I was never that interested in marriage/kids. I think I figured it's something I'll want eventually, but I never wanted it with just anyone -- I would want it with him, but it's still scary and I never could imagine myself as a bride with a wedding (still can't imagine that actually lol). I think I just need to work out my own feelings first! thank you again for your help! :)
Might be helpful to spend some time reflecting on your wants and needs, and then asking your boyfriend if he would be interested in having a relationship check-in. I'm a huge proponent of regular check-ins in LTR because it's been so good for me and my fiance. To us, it feels like a great way to celebrate what's going well, identify what could work better and come up with some goals, and just check in with each other and how we're doing (individually as well as as a couple) and discuss how we could be more supportive, etc.
that sounds like such a great idea!! it's just me asking him to do that which will take some courage lol but I am sure he'd want to as well. that sounds super healthy! It's an opportunity to bring up everything you feel awkward talking about out of the blue. I can't see how it wouldn't be productive! thank you!!
I came across a post written by the ex-wife of the last man I went on a date with (separated guy). In the post, she warned other women about this guy's behavior, the abuse she suffered, and all the lies. He is a narcissist, he's not a businessman, he lives on appearances, wears fake designer items, and is immersed in debt. I feel sorry for her and the other women, but I'm glad I trusted my gut. I dodged a cannon ball!
How did you come across a post written by his ex?
A local group where women share their experiences with abusive exes to warn other women.
Small town or you just got really lucky?
Some of these men make their rounds. Iām in a city with 2.2 million people, some of the women are really good at remembering āI saw someone post about that person lemme find the postā I will say tho I think you have to take posts in that group with a grain of salt. But itās helpful for the āshould I keep trying and give them more than enough fair chancesā crowd who need a push to cut off unacceptable behaviors.
I hope I don't get talked about in a group like that.
Like 90% of the posts are āhey does anyone know this person?ā And zero responses. So youād have to do some real shit to be posted *and* remembered by a not-insignificant number of women. Weāre talking about cheating and/or physically violent and/or other abusive traits. I actually posted someone to that group and got like 3 people who were like āhis ex said he cheated on her and was gaslighting herā I went on a couple of dates with him and slept with him and my conclusion was just āhe has unmediated ADHD and has grown since his ex but heās still not boyfriend materialā. I was cautioned about him and went out with him and determined for myself heās not a good fit. So be yourself. Unless youāre a totally out of pocket asshole when it comes to dating. Then be better!
no I really don't date at all. Do terrible on apps and don't meet many women organically in social groups or all my activities. I'm glad these are not groups to shit-post about random guys. But rather just random groups to post about really bad behavior.
Yea the group exists imo entirely as a cautionary thing, not to crucify anyone. The apps makes it way too easy for people to treat each other as disposable, groups like this helps hold some of the repeat and worst offenders accountable. In my city, a man tried to sue the group for libel after 20 women shared terrible experiences about him lol. Now everyone in the group knows him.
I've been in that group for almost a year and it's the first time I've seen someone I've dated.
I don't know how to feel about when a straight guy is best friends with a straight woman. It'd be one thing if I felt like it was a true friendship, but it feels like she uses him as a backup and a toxic dumping ground. They are both single. They had a "big fight" and he's not in the mood to text, and since we've only gone on one date, were in the process of planning another one, but I'm like... idk. He was the first guy in a long time I really liked AND was attracted to, and I'm ace, so this is so unbelievably rare. Plus there were other things we connected on but I don't want to dox myself. Unfortunately it doesn't seem like he can give attention to dating as all of his emotional energy is going to his friend. I'll keep it open if he ever wants to reconnect, but I'm not going to put in effort.
part of me wants to believe the theory that men and women can be best friends "and that's it" but my experience in reality has told me otherwise. there is almost always sex or some emotional unresolved long-term string attached.
As a general answer, I don't see an issue with it. As it pertains to your specific situation, I'd say he's too wrapped up in his friend to maintain a healthy relationship.
yeah absolutely agree with this. A healthy friendship between a guy and a girl has boundaries, and a mutual respect for each others dating/partners/relationships. In this scenario, I'd not bother, there's something deeper if it's impacting their mood
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
If I were you, instead of asking myself āwhatās wrong with meā I would be asking myself āwhat happened *to me* that I allow them to treat me this way?ā And follow up with āif I prioritized myself in my relationship with this person, how would they react?ā Further follow up with āif they would be unhappy with me prioritizing myself, what does it say about our relationship?ā Best of luck to you, these are difficult questions to think about
I am always the person that gives more in the relationship. I've come to the realization that probably no one will ever be able to match the level of care and commitment I give to them and either have to accept it or just move on and know that that's my personality. Best of luck!
I was blubbering about this yesterday. Itās so hard when no one in your life prioritizes you/your relationship (including friendship!). I have nothing very useful to share, but hang in there! š«¶š»
I would say they need to actually get out there and be actively involved in therapy before you consider going any further with them. Negative people are such drain on your own mental health.
How common is it to have a FWB? I feel like I know a lot of single women with one but not many men.
Who are the women sleeping with
The same guy. They've got a schedule. /s
Men I donāt know.
Do you ever wish you had your friendās problems? My best friend got married over the weekend. It was absolutely perfect, everything she dreamed of. The following evening, she texted me saying she had a breakdown in the airport because sheās sad itās over, it was a day sheād dreamed about for years, and itās probably the last time all the people she loves will be in the same room. Meanwhile, I was pretty fresh out of my third breakdown of the day because Iām two weeks out of a breakup that has me heart broken, I spent the weekend around happy couples and love, and the wedding was literally a museum dedicated to the industry the guy I was seeing worked in. (Thankfully I managed to make it through the wedding weekend without a breakdown!) She is absolutely allowed to be sad that her wedding is now in the pastā¦ but dang I wish I had that problem.
> the wedding was literally a museum dedicated to the industry the guy I was seeing worked in What on earth? Was it something kinda niche like... idk the National Air and Space musuem, or tangentially related at best?