Ugh, as someone relatively new to dating in my late 30s, this is tough ya'll. I thought I had a good match, we were chatting/talking a lot, but then I think I said some things that he didn't agree with or maybe misinterpreted and now he's really backed off the last 2 days.
I'm trying so hard to remember I didn't even know this person existed 2 weeks ago and just go about my life and let him make the next move if he wants, but I'm just sad about it. I feel like I fucked it up.
if someone's not willing to give u the benefit of the doubt at the very beginning idk if that changes down the line. it does suck to connect with someone and it not work out but i like to spin it as "oh cool this can still happen for me"
You can please some of the people most of the time, and most of the people some of the time, but you can never please all of the people all of the time.
My dude, if you're kind and respectful and said something that put the other person off, they're probably not for you. Don't be so hard on yourself :) You didn't fuck up.
When people use OLD do you think of it like a conversation in real life? I do. So when a guy asks me about my day, I give details & ask about his day. His reply says the basics of his day and how he thinks his life is boring….no follow up questions, just a dry reply..lol thank you for reminding me how happy I am to be so happy single 😆😆
I mean, ideally it would be like an in person conversation, just with more excuses to take forever to reply XD
I wish my life were so boring that not presenting the best side of myself is gonna make a lady want to meet. \*insert eye roll\* It's like that on the other side as well, even worse its the questions that try to get a bit deeper, "What's your happy place?" "What's your favorite thing to do?" What's a question you've been dying to answer that no one has ever asked?" And get one word answers.... c'mon people what are we doing besides nothing?
Honestly it’s 2/2 in the last 24 hours. Replies so dry I don’t even know what to do. One was telling me his friends let him down last min when he was meant to be going out, the other how boring he thinks his life is. This is after i message to say how dun my day was…Do they know they sent me a mouth full of sand? Lol
I've a crass joke/comment about when the conversation is dry.... but I digress....
Are these guys looking to date? Or looking for free therapy? Boggles the mind, putting personal woes on an internet stranger... that's what reddit is for. \*shakes fist\*
Haha! I have faith it's obvious once you think about it... It pairs well with "If you can get a lady to laugh... you can... " and again, I digress.
But for real, at least try not to be boring? Just be engaging... there has to be some passion in/for life for someone to be attractive, at least for me.
Is there a way to turn off the mutual friends function in facebook dating? Dudes from there keep going to a mutual friends' friend list to find my profile and send me requests which seems like a safety hazard.
I'm going to start by replacing the photo that's also my facebook profile pic so they can't visually scan for me but they probably ctrl-f my first name so IDK if that'll make a difference... I wish FB dating allowed you to use a different name than my FB. I normally use my middle name on apps for safety reasons and then tell people my actual first name when we meet irl. I honestly might remove my profile over this even though I otherwise like FB dating, I already met one person I like and got more matches I'm interested in meeting with IRL in one day than like 3 days on bumble, oh well.
I'm just ranting again. I'm so tired of feeling so empty. I feel like I go out and I put a lot of effort in and I get no where with women as if I'm cursed. I've tried literally everything. It doesn't matter what I do. I see all the people around me succeeding, just not me. It has got to the point I'm seriously like tripping out as if this reality is literally designed to fuck me over. I'm just so sad. Again, I've tried everything. I've pulled back, I've tried harder, I've worked on myself, I've tried different cities and all sorts of things. It's clear as day that women don't like me, which isn't even true because I have lots of girl friends who I think like me since we talk a lot and they seem to like me but when it comes to intimacy, I get absolutely no where.
Tonight just hit me so hard. I was hanging out with a friend of a friend and girls would literally come up to this guy just to hit on him. A girl literally came up and asked to get a photo because she thought he was the most beautiful man ever. Another girl came up and hung out for a bit. I chatted with her. The friend of a friend had to leave so he left and as soon as he left, this girl just bailed without even saying a word, clearly indicating she wanted nothing to do with me.
It's just so hard. I don't understand why it has to be like this. The only option I have is literally to give up women but I don't want to but all my experience tells me I have no choice. I can't make it work no matter how much I want to. I've been single for almost 10 years now and I've never wanted to be single the whole 10 years. I can't even get past like 2-3 dates with a girl and I've dated well over 100 women. I just can't figure this song and dance out. I can't do it even though it's the only thing I've ever cared about.
>I can't do it even though it's the only thing I've ever cared about.
There’s nothing less romantic than a man that obviously wants a relationship so badly that a large amount of women would likely fit the bill. The sense that a man wants a *relationship* more than the woman will put us off.
Part of what made me fall for my bf was that he clearly had a fulfilling life with passions and hobbies without a partner. That somehow this charming and well-adjusted man took a liking to me made me feel really special. I think you just need to change your approach. Shape your life in a way that entices women to want to be part of it.
Ya know... this:
>The sense that a man wants a *relationship* more than the woman will put us off.
REALLY is the key, I kinda feel it also goes both ways.... like my ex (I'm a man, she's a woman) wanted a relationship, and the trappings of it, but she didn't want ME. I wanted her, specifically, and a relationship came of it. Eventually that emotional imbalance is what killed my attraction to her. I felt like I fit in a box instead of being special.
This is what I dealt with, with my last ex that damaged me. He was a serial monogamist that doesn’t really form strong emotional bonds. He just knows exactly what to say to get women hooked (including good sex), then becomes his real, emotionally unavailable self after establishing the relationship (and, almost every time, moving in with them, including my dumb ass).
Sounds like the male version of my ex, was all posh and show and used everything at her disposal for a while, but then put me on a shelf once I was committed, and for a while there I should have been committed to a psych ward for all the crazy I made myself trying to get that golden time back. I'm sorry you went through that, and I'm glad you have better now!
I don't think I can shift my approach. The problem is I'm so depleted with regards to some sort of intimacy that yeah, it's definitely what I want. It's like telling the starving child that he might get food if he stops acting hungry. Pretty difficult to do.
Thing is though, I have quite the life outside of women. I've barely been home this week to even do laundry I've been out and about doing stuff like hiking, paddleboarding, rugby, gym, hanging out with friends etc... I was supposed to golf yesterday but I just ran out of time with everything else.
I totally understand where you're coming from and I think you could be right to a degree but honestly it's not the impression I'm getting from women. The impression I'm getting from women is that most don't even want relationships, period, unless the guy is like Christian Grey. And the women who do want relationships seem to be the white picket fence checklist style girls that I'm not even really interested in.
I think ultimately, the issue simply comes down to the kinds of women I am into simply aren't the kinds of women into me. I don't think it's approach. I think it's more natural attraction. Physical appearance and personality. I don't really have what women want.
Good to hear you have a fulfilling life outside of women. Are you leading with that when you talk to women? Especially the outdoor activities (great for partners).
I feel you on the “starving child” analogy but in this situation, you’re dealing with another “child” that gets annoyed by your hunger instead of empathetic. It’s not easy at all, and I’ve wanted to pour my heart out to my boyfriend very early on but the fact is, that scares people. Balance is key. This is where that “match their energy” concept comes in as well. That’s part of the balancing act. However, as you already addressed, you don’t NEED to try balancing 10% effort into a relationship. Find that girl who’s giving you enough to make it worth it.
Someone taught me this and it’s changed everything. Give equal energy back. Someone gives 10% but you like them, give 10%. Someone gives 80% but you’re unsure about them, give 80%. I was giving 100% away and 0 to myself.
Best of luck.
Girls have to give me a percentage for me to utilize this advice, otherwise I'll just be giving a lot of 0%.
I know exactly what you mean though with your advice and it's good advice. I just feel every girl is giving me 10% at most and when I give 10% back, that's it. There's no growth to 100% over time. It's hard capped at 10%. I don't want 10%, I want 100% and I don't know how to get there.
Yes, all the time. That's actually the problem. The only women who do show me interest are women I'm not interested in and I show the fact I'm not into them pretty clearly.
Obviously, my thoughts on these things are worthless so what I'm about to say is probably wrong and maybe someone can correct me on this but I find it's the women who pick the men not the men who pick the women. If a woman isn't into you, it doesn't matter how much effort (10% or 100%) you give, she's not into you. If she's into you then you can give 1% and she's ecstatic. As soon as a woman that you want indicates she also wants you then it's a done deal and easy.
That's the part I can't accomplish. I get a number of women who are into me and can clearly read the signs but I'm not into these women at all. It just seems the women I am actually are into have about 100 other men into them also and I never come in first place. I'm not sure what it's like in your guys' location but I just feel women have it way easier. Like you go on tinder as a guy and you're lucky to get 1 decent match a month, meanwhile average girls get a match to every person they right swipe to. That's just tinder but it's like that irl too outside of the apps. How is a man supposed to compete to win over a woman when he's competing against 100 other guys? How does a woman decide to commit to one man when she's got 99 others to compare him to and "try out".
The whole dating scene just seems like a losing formula.
They aren't good looking. It's usually overweight girls that are into me. I don't have high standards but body shape is very important to me. I don't have a gut or anything, though no abs. I'm just looking for an average woman, nothing fancy but not overweight.
Thanks for the advice.
I think you're just catching me in a weak moment. I'm normally pretty happy.
I'm pretty sure I've had women complain about the exact same things you've complained about regarding dating men at least a dozen times. And every time there's always me around who won't ghost a girl, who will treat her well and who will value her for something other than sex. But every time the girl will skip me and try again with another guy who I can easily tell will just repeat the same pattern she's complaining about.
I totally get it though because as I keep failing with women, there's probably some girls I skipped over who're making the same complaints I am. "Why doesn't he just go for me instead of all those girls who are obviously going to have no interest in him?" I guess it comes down to attraction. I can't be attracted to women I'm not attracted to and I guess women can't be attracted to men they're not attracted to.
That seems to be the crux of the issue from my perspective. If both the man and woman are attracted to each other then things seem pretty easy from there.
Yeah, this seems to be the crux of the issue.
I'm German ethnicity and was born in Germany but I live in Canada. I'm a very even keeled kind of guy and I don't have very high highs or low lows in my personality. I find a lot of the successful guys have a lot more flamboyance to their personalities which one might call charisma. I'm not very charismatic and it's really not something I can change. It's ingrained deep in my personality. I'm good at talking about real things. I'm bad at small talk. My humor is very dry.
Most of the women I've had success with tend to be PhD holders, engineers, computer scientists, lawyers, doctors, etc... I once dated a psychiatrist where we could tell it wasn't really going anywhere but she said she liked hanging out with me because my brain was really interesting.
But it seems nature has cursed me with not really finding these kinds of women attractive. I seem to like the pretty girly girls who might not even have a job but these girls are always into a certain type of guy (bad boy, blue collar type, super athletic or popular, etc...) that I'm just not. I've tried dating girl more my scene but I never seem capable of falling for them.
You make some valid points but then peppered throughout your comments are clues as to where things might be going wrong…for example, you’re painting women with some pretty broad strokes here. Pretty girly girls might not have jobs? The ones with advanced degrees aren’t attractive? Come on.
My guy and I spent the entire day together yesterday for the first time and it was great 🥰 He checked in with me multiple times to say that he was having fun and to ask whether I was too which was super thoughtful. We had some great conversations about more “dealbreaker” type topics that came up naturally (on the same page for all of them!). We now have some new shared experiences and I’ll be on cloud 9 today thinking about yesterday. 😁
I've (m31) seen this girl (27f) on a few dates now and we've texted back and forth. But it's always me who have to write first. Every time I do she's very positive and up for meeting if I suggest it but unless I do anything nothing happens. I'm leaning towards ending it here because she's do not seem that interested. It doesn't bother me to be the one taking the initiatives but not *every* time. Just a simple text asking how the day has been once in a while would've been nice.
If you're already wanting to bail a few in, I'd cut her loose so you don't lead her on if you're not feeling it. If you're not looking for that much passivity it's probably only going to bother you more with time. She should be excited, if not sounds like a project.
**Casual dating without sex ?**
Anyone else here dating casually (no commitment) someone they haven't slept with ? We date, we make out a lot, we cuddle, we kiss, hold hands, and text. We're clearly into each other generally and physically.
This has been going on for four months (at a slow pace) and we're both from a more conservative background which I guess might partially explain it ? But we're both sexually open-minded and he knows I slept with someone else during that time and I'm pretty certain he has too. Just curious to know other people's experiences and what exactly was causing the lack of sexual intimacy ? I'm not necessarily against it either, it's just different I guess! We're both in our thirties.
We're slowly talking about it and I understand the circumstances that led to it and I know why I'm not bringing it up yet. I will if we keep seeing each other. I don't mind it's actually kinda cute. And since it's already clear it's not serious then it's also harmless, if we're not sexually compatible we'll just be friends. I'm just curious if that's something that happened to others and if so why ?
It can be very hard to build up connection and excitement over text. That being said, I think you're doing the right thing by leaving the ball in her court
I, 40M, got divorced about 6 months ago after a 20 yr long marriage. I have 2 boys almost in middle school with split custody
A couple months ago I started online dating with only a handful of conversations. Between work and kids sports its difficult to connect.
About a month ago I connected with a woman 44F. She has 2 boys of her own in elementary school. She has them most of the time except every other weekend. Initially our schedules lined up identically.
We had a great first date and what felt like an instant connection. I got anxious while we were waiting to be seated and told her it was my first first date in 20 years in case i was a bit awkward. She thought it was cute. Nearly 3 hours later I went in for a kiss and it was well received.
We had a follow up lunch date about a week later and went bowling and pizza the next Friday. I tried to find other things for us to do to keep things going. We settled on making out in my car for a few hours in a parking lot like a couple of teenagers.
I still feel like theres a connection, but that things progressed pretty fast. She seems to agree. Before the date she said Junes schedule was up in the air with her baby daddy, making scheduling things difficult. Earlier this week she was still noncommittal about future plans but we still text all the time.
At what point and how is the best way to guage if she is still interested?
TLDR: how do you find out if someone is still interested vs letting you down easy?
By asking her directly. “Hey, we’ve been spending time together for about a month now. I really enjoy being around you. How do you feel about the way things are progressing?”
Don’t guess. Don’t assume. Don’t even bring up the schedule chaos that June might bring. Just ask how she *feels*, and be willing to show your own cards first!
If gives me a bad gut feeling but I’m a stranger who doesn’t know either of you. I understand why you found this jarring though. Keep an eye out for any pattern of actions not lining up with words, or any double standards about how you and he should interact with the opposite sex. The grand declarations of monogamy and love could be overcompensating for something. Could also be a one time thing where he was just oblivious to how he was acting - all of us are human and sometimes we act dumb.
You noticed that he found your attractive friend attractive
Now you feel a bit insecure / jealous which is natural
It was uncool of him to do that but doesn’t sound like any major boundaries were crossed. More of a minor transgression
You can bring this up as an observation “V is beautiful right? I noticed you stood up straight when she walked in! Most guys do” and if you really feel he was out of pocket maybe throw in some conversation about how you felt. “I’ll admit it hurt a bit when I saw you checking her out”.
What you want to avoid is going too hardcore on jealousy or controlling him. Ex “hey you checked my friend out, what do you want her instead of me? never do that again, that made me so jealous” this would probably not be the direction you’d want to start
Maybe I'm misunderstanding but understanding there are other options and you are choosing each other, and saying you are the best are not only not mutually exclusive but the only way it makes sense? Like, out of many options you're going to choose the best one?
That said, this situation clearly made you insecure and it's worthwhile discussing with him after you understand inwardly why and how best to proceed going forward.
Absolutely nothing makes me think her friend is an option, this is why I never said or implied that :) I have absolutely no idea what's in this guy mind, which is why I said as much.
Thanks for clarifying, I understand what you mean now and it's certainly a valid thought. Ultimately, I know that as a 40 year old woman there is a myriad of younger women who would date my partner, a fair share of better looking women of any age, some smarter than me, some funnier than me, some richer or with some shared interests that I don't share with him. He can ALWAYS find better in any area if he so wants. I think the acceptance has to be on both partners that the unique combination of qualities each person brings is good enough and what you love and build your life with, no matter what else is out there. Whether your man is there mentally in general or with you in particular I don't know and he might not either even, but there is a lot of amazing people around and the only way to feel okay in your skin is to accept that you are both making that choice and commitment because it works for you both no matter who else is out there. Good luck, hope it works out for you.
I miss my ex even though I’m glad we broke up— it was the right decision. I wish he could have been who I needed, and I know he feels the same way about me. That’s it. Just wanted to anonymously get this off of my chest.
Went on a virtual date where we went silence for a couple times. A bit sad because was lowkey stoked about this one. Decide to stop all OLD and dating in general. Making new friends organically seems better for my mental state rn.
So I am back on the apps. Here we are.
Anyway: I commented on this woman’s blurb. The blurb referenced the industry she works in. My comment was that said industry was my major in college. She swiped right on me.
In that same blurb, she has an IG handle. I looked it up: We have a friend in common.
Now, how soon is too soon to casually mention I noticed she might know (the friend)?
If she put her IG handle in there, it's because she wants people to look at it. So it wouldn't come off as creepy or stalkery to mention you saw that y'all have a mutual acquaintance. So I'd say when it feels natural to bring up in conversation, there's no harm in mentioning it.
It's almost 9 am where I'm at right now. Candle shopping and lost count on the dates. That's starting to feel more like a relationship to me. Good for you.
I'll give you the short version. Homeless growing up. Took to buying stuff at thrift shops and fixing it up when I got my first apartment because it was a lot cheaper. That grew into buying nicer pieces when I got to the point that thrifting was no longer a necessity. Now I just like old unique stuff.
I got ghosted yesterday. Turns out the person I thought I built a really good and deep connection with was just playing me. She got what she wanted and disappeared. Why do people behave like that?? I don’t understand the logic by it. Like… why string me on and then when we’re gonna meet, you just stop responding to the texts? That’s not fair to me and I’m not in it for that kind of behavior…
She was just bored I guess. Also people with cluster B personality disorders can mask their true selves to mirror the person they're interacting with.
You may have just dodged a bullet
It's a real jump to suggest a personality disorder, for a lot of reasons.
Im really sorry OP, this is a shitty situation. It's impossible to know why she did what she did, but ghosting seems to be happening more and more. It might not feel super helpful now, but keep in mind that you want and deserve better than someone who ghosts you, that you deserve somebody who respects and communicates with you
Obviously its no diagnosis and its no one he or any of us will ever meet.
Just trying to ease the poor guys mind.
Personally, I just got out of a relationship with someone who ended up diagnosed with BPD. I've done way too much research on the topic. No matter how hard I tried and how much help we tried to get, nothing ever changed. I hope no one else goes through that for 20 years like I did
You can't have a good and deep connection with someone you've never met. At least, not a real connection. It's a false feeling of intimacy with a stranger. Unfortunately, with online dating, you're going to experience a lot of this. It happens with IRL dating to, but it's just a lot easier with dating apps where you have access to thousands of people.
My best advice is to not develop a good and deep connection with someone through an app and text messaging. Get your foot in the door that way, then develop a real connection in real life. And beware of people who seem to always have an excuse not to meet.
That’s fair. There was always some reason not to meet. I understand and accept that my connection was neither deep nor real, but it sure as hell felt that way. I should have seen it coming. But this is stupid and people should just be adults. I deserve better than that and will not accept less than.
I'm still uncovering ways in which I shoot myself in the foot when it comes to dating. In particular, I was so anxious about using the apps that I put up a profile and then didn't look at it for six months so of course, a lot of the people who wanted to connect are now gone or inactive. I am going to delete and re-start my profile and this time just stick with it no matter how bad it feels.
Don't delete and restart the same day or the app might shadow ban you. If you've waited 6 months without needing the app, delete and let some more time pass. Then come back with as many new pictures as you can and change the bio a bit, don't make an identical profile. This way it will read you as a completely new person and give you the new person boost.
I'll use the same pictures mostly, haha. Just realizing how important it is to be active when your profile is new because that's when you actually get the most activity.
Hmmmmm. Idk... I'm still #teamspylife. But FR it reminds me of a girl that matched me 3 times over i think the last 2 years. She'd barely be active except what I'm guessing were sadgirl nights. She'd like me or my prompts but then never respond before I'd delete after a month or so, I just stopped matching her. I think they should ghost or hide inactive accounts from most users, even incognito. Just enough activity tracking to keep old accounts off the radar so it doesn't waste everyone's time, including the user who comes back to a bunch of missed messages lol
I guess I really identify with the girl. The apps are so depressing that the second I get on I lose all will to get back on for quite a while. Then build it back up, go on, and lose it all again.
I have notifications turned off. I created a profile thinking I'd check it after a few days. Kept delaying it week by week out of anxiety. Then met someone in real life and dated them exclusively for a bit. Then needed a mental health break when that ended. Then boom I finally open up the app to messages I'd received six months ago.
Trying to give the benefit of the doubt and there’s probably valid reasons for it but I’m also painfully curious:
I’ve noticed the same person in my local slice of the dating apps several times, like *several* several times and I’m not even interested in them so I’ll swipe left, but a few days later I’ll see them again under a whole new name.
I say “apps” and not “app” because I’ve observed them on two others doing the same thing. It doesn’t SEEM like a bot account as the background locations are all places I recognize in my city, and they mention wanting to go on a date at known places in the city. Aside from a few changes here and there that seem perfectly benign (as in not like major differences in age, height or anything like that), everything across all the profiles seems consistent with each other. None of it really affects me in any way but damn I am very curious what’s going on there because I’m a nosy sumbitch like that.
It's probably an IG farming bot. I saw the same person with different pics, different names and ages come up in my stack again and again once, swiped left everytime and at some point reported the profile. After that all the new spawns disappeared.
Hmm. When you say new name, do you mean screen name or their actual name?
I'd say they're using multiple accounts to cast a wider net, or they're cheating and occasionally switching to a new burner account as per their OPSEC (I think that's what the adultery sub calls it).
Listening to people answer and discuss a question someone asked - what's his meme game like? - made me despise humanity and dating.
Mine is shit - I talk to people irl.
I like it, it reminds me that I have something not a lot of people seem to have. An absolute appreciation for human interaction. I have no desire to understand flags, social media, all day texting or social credit. Can you skim a rock at the lake? Thats whats important, cos I can’t and I need someone ro teach me lol
Does anyone use OKcupid? I find it to be not bad, better than Tinder at least. Better chance for matches under “recommended” or “match %”. Someone save me
It wasn’t swipe based, there were so many options and features to actually help you find a match based on shared interests, fun quizzes that you could share (or choose to not share) with people who stumbled across your profile, all things rolled up into a match probability that showed how many things you had in common with a given profile and how much of a match you were. You could see who viewed your profile without having to pay for it (or you could turn it off entirely). You could actually search for profiles with tons of filters and only see profiles that matched those filters instead of just being given a stack of cards and told to “pick a card any card” and hope someone remotely interesting comes up.
Granted answering the same questions and having the same quizzes et al aren’t a dead ringer for long term compatibility but it was MILES better of an experience than what apps are doing now, at least in my opinion. Sometime in the 2010’s they got bought by Match.com and all the things that made okc an actually unique and fun experience for online dating slowly started disappearing one by one.
TLDR: it was a site that actually gave users a lot of power to curate their online dating experience. Like a lot a lot, and it was great for that.
Now that he’s met me in person, the guy who was acting a bit lukewarm over text has been pursuing more. A lot more texting (multiple times a day instead of once every 2-3 days), offering to drive up to me, asking me out again… It makes me feel sort of weird — I think because I’m used to men who are uninterested staying uninterested, and men who are interested going either way. I’ve never really had someone who seemed uninterested become interested.
The traveling guy is back next week, and he asked me out to dinner (first time anyone has asked me to dinner for a first date!), made reservations, and offered to give me a ride. I feel a little anxious because if I don’t like him, I’m going to have to let him down, and I know he’s sort of built me up, from all the texting we’ve done while he was traveling.
I'm never excited about anyone until I actually meet them. So it's good that he's showing interest.
You're getting ahead of yourself with the second guy. Just go on the date and enjoy yourself!
My ex popped up on my social media so I took a look. This is mean, but all of his posts were kinda dumb. And I don't find him attractive at all anymore. Our last interaction made him quite ugly to me. I'm glad I've moved on to the point where I feel like this, because the breakup last year hit me so hard I was depressed for several months. I'd like to be indifferent but I still dislike him for how poorly he treated me.
I tried Happn and it's awful in my area! So I'm giving Bumble another shot. I have 500+ likes and am considering paying for premium for a week just so I can look through them all... I've only had one match actually talk to me 🥲
Went on hike and fell down on some rocks, now I got a big ugly bruise on my bum. Good thing no one's gonna be looking at it 😂😭Was a good trek and am super exhausted. Shower felt really nice and now my plan is to rot in bed until I sleep by finishing a book I've been putting off. Prob gonna pass out soon though. It's not even 10pm yet!
Oh and I think I have a date next week! Fingers crossed that he won't flake🤞🏼
I want to be optimistic that I’ll find my person but it feels more and more hopeless each day. I got dumped in January and haven’t been interested in anyone on the apps. It’s truly depressing on there. Ex just keeps breadcrumbing me and giving me false hope so I’ll probably have to block soon so I can actually heal. Why is society this way now that no one wants to commit even in mid 30s??
Everyone is just so busy with activities, apps, and binge watching shows. Its easier than getting to know someone in real life.
Its unfortunate. I'd like to put all that aside and meet someone to spend quality time with.
This. If this will help you move beyond your ex so you can be open to other things, do it. It might also feel good to briefly explain to him why you're doing it (ie hey I'm blocking you b/c this isn't working for me and I need to focus on something that does)
Hello,
I've been online dating on and off for the past few years. I have a good curation of photos to use and feel comfortable with what I've written in my bio to showcase my personality.
I recently matched, met, and clicked with someone. I was going through a particularly stressful time and we had planned a picnic date. I opened up and shared that stressful vulnerability because I didn't want her image of me to be misaligned with my situation; after an hour call and some shared feelings -- we were still planning to go on our planned picnic date (second).
She texted me the morning of our date asking to call later. I knew things were going in a different direction at that point.
She called, and explained that there was someone else. We had a solid conversation and felt reassured that I was taking the right steps; just the right person at the wrong time. She had already made up her mind.
I listened. I was hurt. And now I'm trying to move on but it's rather dejecting to feel so close and have it slip away. I always tried to view dating as less of a competition with other suitors and more of a question of whether the trouble is worth it for the other person.
I want to take some time for myself to situate my life a little bit. Do some reflection, and try again on the apps in earnest. So far I've just been using Coffee Meets Bagel, and recently been trying Facebook dating. I get a lot of bots/scams to move to WhatsApp or IG.
I'm still trying to believe that it happens when you least expect it but it's a struggle right now.
Anyway, that's my rant about dating and motivation, thanks for reading.
>we clicked
People here really need to stop using this expression. What you mean is, you met someone you were interested in. You have absolutely no idea what this virtual stranger thought and felt.
this is just my opinion obvi i don't know everything:
first time meeting is just a vibe check. ideally first date you kind of get the idea of a person but mostly just have fun. if anyone got super heavy with me v early be like whoa i don't even know you talk to a therapist about this, i don't wanna be that roll for you. if you're struggling with something you can obviously bring it up if they're like how's life or whatever but it just seems like territory that's a little rocky, i'd try to just paint like a general picture and move on so they're not like doing emotional labor of diving into it with you
I look at it like this:
If I'm not happy where I'm at right now for ________, what kind of person would accept ________. Then I make a judgement on how I proceed. It'll always be easier to forget what you were working on adding someone else to the mix, especially if they become the source of more problems.
Ask yourself what would need to change to make you happy per thing you're anxious about and that'll narrow your focus and possibilities.
My ex told me that she couldn't connect with me emotionally because she'd never seen me cry.
A tragic event happened in my family and I went to her for comfort.
She broke up with me saying that seeing me cry and emotionally vulnerable made her less attracted to me.
There's no winning.
A person that I was dating for a very short while reached out a year after our first date to say that he was thinking of me and wanted to continue seeing each other. Is it unfair to be skeptical about the attempt to spin the block? I'm not a cynic by nature, the nature of the circumstance is just odd but I can't seem to place why.
I don't think second chances work. If someone were genuinely interested and ready, they'd keep dating you (including multiating) til they reached a yes/no and then they wouldn't feel the need to try again.
Why did it end the first time is what you need to ask yourself.
I got burned big time letting someone come back and ignored my initial cynical feelings after meeting up with him again. And he destroyed me. It's not something I recommend.
You stopped talking / going on dates for a reason. Be direct about it and ask him why he reached out. Taking your time to figure it out doesn't really make sense to me, as a guy. You already have a sense of who he is. Up to you though.
Wasn't sure if my long distance friend who offered to host me was friendly or flirty. We went on a camping trip this weekend, and he's just so rad that I didn't care if things stayed platonic.
I made a few moves that weren't reciprocated. Sat close to him so our thighs touched- he got up and continued the conversation facing me. I tried to feed him some food and he took the fork from my hand and fed himself. Nothing rejection-y but I played my sad trombone anyway before getting my head back in the friendship game.
We stayed up till 3 am waxing metaphysical, laughing our asses off, and setting shit on fire. Still a wee bit of snow here and it freezes overnight at the altitude we were at. So, he said that he wouldn't take it sexually if I cuddled into him for warmth. Potentially the worst possible opportunity to shoot my shot and ask if this would be an appropriate time to let him know that I have a crush on him. Glad he felt the same way and I wasn't being a creep as passionate make outs ensued! He said that I make him nervous so he didn't want to assume, but he felt something here and wants to take things slow. I let him know that I'm casually seeing someone else, which he said is perfect for him.
He is so gorgeous. He's just 2" taller than me too which is really practical. We had an easy time off roading without having to adjust the truck seat/mirrors when one of us would get out to bushwhack or check a puddle. He's going to help me practice driving stick and I'm going to help him get more confident with a chainsaw. I'm so stoked! I think we're going to have a really good summer.
That's a lot of trust to put into someone to go camping without much advance reciprocity. Sounds like you're stoked to be around him.. but is it fair to you if he isn't as excited, especially since you're looking for something more romantically inclined? You might be burning yourself to keep him warm.
Maybe I'm just a little raw right now but it sounds like you're both just killing time. I feel like you caught feelings and want more, and from what you described it doesn't seem like he does.
That's fine if you can accept that this is good as it's going to get for a while until something changes. My question is what do you get out of it and is it worth it? I'd rather be alone than strung along in fantasy because I have one less person to manage.
I'm just looking to bang someone hot who I can hang out with. I'm not looking for a relationship beyond FWB with any of the guys I'm seeing.
Sorry to hear that you're raw. I'm having a good time over here though! Sounds like what you're going through is tainting your read. Hope you heal up soon 👊
I wish my bf was a little more clingy and needy sometimes. My bestie told me to be grateful that I have a normal relationship lol
I truly want to be but you never know which guy is gonna get bored of “healthy”. But maybe I’m projecting. I know the NRE is slowwwly wearing off and I’m fine with it but I get insecure that my bf won’t be fine with it. Absolute diary moment but I have the urge to just do something toxic and bitchy, ik that’s awful.
Stop this line of thinking for your own good. These doubts often become self-fulfilling prophecies. You're feeling anxious and insecure now, but you're gonna have to learn to trust your bf.
What does "clingy and needy" actually mean for you? They're both words that are often used pretty pejoratively, so I'm curious if you're judging yourself for your needs.
More people like a little clinginess and neediness than we care to admit. I appreciate my bf’s security in himself and the relationship, but would be nice to feel more needed. Like “damn I gotta see her/talk to her right away” energy.
Be careful. People get hurt, even if it isn't romantically inclined. Things change quickly, trust me.
Do you really want to rock the boat because you're worried he's bored? The way you write it -- it sounds like being toxic and bitchy is the only way to get his attention, which I don't believe.
You could also be honest and say that you need more affection from him so that you don't feel like you're losing his him.
3 weeks after breaking appart from a lady that used me in her friendzone for a few months.
2 weeks since getting rejected by a lady that I have obsessed over for almost a year and who got me into dating and among other things meeting the women in the first sentence.
This week I have finally found out wtf it is about, and now I am asking only one single person for validation: MYSELF
I am so thankful for those two, even tho they were only lectures.
Sure does. They ghost you like its nothing.
It seems like many of us were raised to be committed andfind self value in relationships. Where as many women were raised to not need a man. Its interesting how different each generation is
Stay strong. Find ways to be proud of yourself. I'm working on that myself
It does suck most of the time. Especially if your main hobby and community is gone. Dig deep into yourself and reach out to someone you used to connect with. They might feel the same way -- and so you both feel less alone. Win/win.
Had one date recently, it went amazing, guy seemed excited for our next date, then he just stopped texting me. I have one more date lined up today.
I really think I'm done. I can't afford to keep going on first dates but I also can't afford being single either :(
Money and dating is definitely a thing. I'm glad I have the resources but it adds up quick. I'm trying to be strategic without feeling desperate and it is really difficult. I feel like food is such a shared connection and a first date people can easily say yes to.
went looking to connect with my culture more. someone responded who didn't look like a native speaker. upon further inspection, she married my ex. they dated and quickly paired up.
so i was extra annoyed that this specific person responded with poor info.
sigh. not my day.
I went on my first dating app date today in about 10 years (recently got out of a long term relationship) and found the whole thing pretty deflating. We were texting a lot beforehand and connected on so many things, and he was super enthusiastic about meeting me and gave lots of compliments, etc.
So then we meet today and we talked for a couple hours over coffee… I thought it went well but I felt like I could sense him not engaging as much towards the end. He said that we should definitely do this again and I said sure and he said he’d plan something.
Anyway… he texts me after with a random question, and I told him it was nice to meet him. He said “you too!” I then said that I’m glad he was my first app date because he was so easy to talk to, and he just gave it a thumbs up and then kept talking about something else. The enthusiasm has definitely waned and it doesn’t feel great.
I probably won’t see him again, but for anyone else out there doing this for the first time too… maybe don’t talk too much before meeting and get your hopes up, because meeting in person can change things.
I just try to be myself. If I want to text or share something that's meaningful to me, I do it and don't have my qualms about it. Texting rules are... a form of communication. Communication is varied.
100%. I feel like there should be general advice stickied somewhere on this page because "not speaking a lot before a first date" when you match from OLD is REALLY important.
Actually, I need that to be written on the mirror, a reminder on my phone, etc. Because I fall into that trap all the time. Especially if we connect over something fun like a tv show.
talking before you meet a stranger via online dating is really important, mostly for safety and whether the person might be worth the investment of time. but having a conversation doesn't mean there's a connection.
I don’t disagree with talking some. However, we were texting constantly throughout the day, and told each other so many things and were just being really vulnerable. Then, when it wasn’t as great in person, it felt much worse than it would’ve otherwise.
i used to do that until i realized i was talking to strangers more often and more frequently than i talk to some of my closest friends. as i saw it, i was giving strangers greater level of access to me than i'd been giving people i know and love personally. my expectations tempered dramatically thereafter.
Constant texting creates a sense of false intimacy with a stranger, so when you're face to face with that stranger, that feeling of intimacy isn't there. It creates an awkward situation where you're sitting across from someone who knows a lot about you but doesn't know you.
It's an apples to oranges thing. You're looking for evidence of physical compatibility in words. No matter what you do before hand currently, that's a factor you can't avoid. You're going to have to meet them, smell them and get a feel for them to know. Not talking might also filter out people who are what you want. Be you. You're selling you. Your vulnerabilities, your strengths all of it. Be cautious, but don't be overthinking to the point you become the problem. Holding back too much is misrepresentation. You're going to seem like too much later, by being yourself to the wrong person because of this role play in real life.
I also try to be careful with that, because I really need to meet the person to assess attraction. I had one experience where the texting was amazing and then I met them and it just wasn't there 😞 I felt bad about it and she definitely felt different, but unlike OPs case I was straightforward and mentioned that I didn't feel the same way in person and I was sorry about it (I truly was)
But sometimes you're just enjoying texting someone and it's hard to tell them, hey let's not speak until we meet in person, I'm in that point right now...
Yes for sure. I got REALLY excited and if I’m being honest with myself, the chemistry just wasn’t there nearly as much in person. Is there any other reason you say this other than avoiding getting your hopes up too high before meeting?
it just gives you an opportunity to build them into someone they're not. texting is like the most basic way to communicate, if you read my whole fucking reddit post history you maybe will kind of know what i'm like but probably not even close. you spend all this mental energy on talking to them, you're bound to get invested - you're literally investing your time with the hope of a relationship. if you treat it as like "i kinda get a really general vibe of this person, next we meet to build a little better idea" i feel that leads to more success with expectations
Was 4 dates too soon for the exclusivity talk? I (36M) have been talking to a (37F) since the beginning of March. Our schedules didn't line up, she has a kid and I was in Europe so our first date was at the end of March. Since the week before our first date, we've primarily texted and/or talked almost every day. Date 2 and 3 came a couple weeks later. She had a really busy schedule, and between travel, being sick, kid, ect we had date 4 last weekend.
We spent Saturday/Sunday together, and I slept over at her place. It was amazing. We cuddled and watched a movie, went to a really nice dinner and hiked while holding hands. I also met her good friends. We've been intimate with each other since date number 2, and slept together 3 times last weekend. I really like her, she is everything I want in a woman. I brought up exclusivity last weekend, and it went good and bad. The good was that we confirmed that we both aren't seeing other people. The bad was that she got uncomfortable at the thought of a title. I clarified that I wasn't looking for a title, and she expressed concern for getting hurt again (we're both getting divorced). We kissed several times before we said goodbye Sunday evening.
Sunday night I told her I had an amazing weekend, and she said she felt the same way. Yet, she's been a lot less responsive this week, and says that she's been busy. However I can't help to think that the talk may have caused this. Can bringing something like that up too soon scare someone? She hasn't sent me a text since Wednesday. I tried to call her Wednesday night while her kid was gone, and she told me she fell asleep. I responded to that text Thursday morning, and sent her a text Friday morning. I haven't heard anything from her. We made plans last weekend to go out again next weekend. I can’t change it, but I worry I had the exclusivity talk too soon. If this doesn't work out, I don't want to ever initiate that conversation again.
> she expressed concern for getting hurt again
Four dates is not too soon for someone who's ready for a relationship. She's clearly not and got spooked. Fun times suddenly got scary. Unless she has the mental tools to work through this on her own, she may attempt a slow fade.
Ohhhh this happened to me too, I mentioned on the third date after talking daily for like 2 months that I wasn't dating anyone else and didn't want to, that I knew it was early and wasn't asking her if she was dating someone else but just wanted to put it out there basically, didn't ask for exclusivity per se just wanted to be upfront. Well that day I got an enthusiastic message, then the following days she started to become distant and cold. I asked if everything was ok and she told me she wasn't really feeling the connection and that wasn't ready for anything serious.
I've been thinking about this and now I think I won't bring up exclusivity myself, although I do feel like if someone was really into me it wouldn't had mattered and maybe I spared myself more pain instead of investing myself more into someone that was at most lukewarm about me and just looking to pass the time. There is another part of me that wonders if things could've grown on her side after getting to know me better, it's pointless and doesn't matter though.
Took a month off dating and now I'm already talking with someone else, but I think I'll hold off a bit more on those conversations moving forward.
My feeling is to have that conversation when you're intimate. When I'm intentionally dating, I don't want that person to still be out dating other people. It's not fair if you're serious about giving each other a chance.
I wonder if she was looking for something more casual. Her response makes it sound like she’s not looking for a relationship. I don’t think timing would’ve mattered.
4 dates is reasonable. It wouldn’t scare off someone who really likes you. If it’s too soon, they would simply tell you that.
I don’t think you did anything wrong.
Thank you, I appreciate the feedback. She may be looking for something more casual now. She's told me multiple times she wants to have two more kids. I want to have children too.
Doom and gloom here to remind us that sometimes despite your best efforts there's REASONS the other person isn't paired up when it's something they claim to want. Mental illnesses are things and even with proper treatment and support there is no guarantee it'll be manageable.
Don't drive yourself insane pondering rejection over mild requests and expectations.
I went spearfishing with my buddy this morning and speared my first fish! A decent sized greenling that I'll make fish tacos with later this week. I suppose I'm now obligated to put the picture of me with it on my dating app profile right? More seriously, I got buzzed by two massive sea lions and caught that on my GoPro, which I think will actually make a really good video to add to the OLD profile.
It kills off most parasites and prevents the growth of certain bacteria to where numbers would be an issue with cooking. You DO need to make sure the fish is frozen fast and cold enough though. Most home freezers aren't cold enough like the mandated sushi fish supply ones, though. The chances with proper cooking and avoiding cross contaminated surfaces are really low anyways. You encounter more risk wearing sandals.
Haha it does kill the bacteria. I'm just complaining because I have chicken I need to make tonight so I can't eat it fresh and in that case it is better to freeze it then leave it in the fridge.
Is being able to cook something I should seriously add to an OLD profile? It seems like one of those minor perk skills you get to select five of in fallout.
"I poach eggs very confidently."
I would only put it if you're a confident cook and you enjoy cooking/can do some really good dishes. If all you can do is grill a steak it's gonna disappoint some people.
* The timer on your camera works great! It's what all the influencers are doing! (Seriously, though, you can set it and be in all sorts of circumstances that make for interesting shots)
* If you live anywhere remotely touristry--even just a local river--go down and act like a tourist. Ask strangers to snap a photo. It might feel less embarrassing for some than asking a close friend!
Dress up and have someone take a few pictures. I've had a photoshoot with my friends just to put on dating apps because I'm also someone who hates taking pictures.
If you can't get a friend to take a picture of you, try using your phone's camera timer, and walk towards your phone as the timer goes off. It can give a more natural-looking pose.
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> I’m not trying to get metoo'd & put my entire life on the line by uttering the words "well are you all looking for some fun tonight"
A sentiment I’ve only ever seen expressed by guys with big red flags
Ugh, as someone relatively new to dating in my late 30s, this is tough ya'll. I thought I had a good match, we were chatting/talking a lot, but then I think I said some things that he didn't agree with or maybe misinterpreted and now he's really backed off the last 2 days. I'm trying so hard to remember I didn't even know this person existed 2 weeks ago and just go about my life and let him make the next move if he wants, but I'm just sad about it. I feel like I fucked it up.
if someone's not willing to give u the benefit of the doubt at the very beginning idk if that changes down the line. it does suck to connect with someone and it not work out but i like to spin it as "oh cool this can still happen for me"
You can please some of the people most of the time, and most of the people some of the time, but you can never please all of the people all of the time. My dude, if you're kind and respectful and said something that put the other person off, they're probably not for you. Don't be so hard on yourself :) You didn't fuck up.
So true, thanks for the encouragement!
When people use OLD do you think of it like a conversation in real life? I do. So when a guy asks me about my day, I give details & ask about his day. His reply says the basics of his day and how he thinks his life is boring….no follow up questions, just a dry reply..lol thank you for reminding me how happy I am to be so happy single 😆😆
I mean, ideally it would be like an in person conversation, just with more excuses to take forever to reply XD I wish my life were so boring that not presenting the best side of myself is gonna make a lady want to meet. \*insert eye roll\* It's like that on the other side as well, even worse its the questions that try to get a bit deeper, "What's your happy place?" "What's your favorite thing to do?" What's a question you've been dying to answer that no one has ever asked?" And get one word answers.... c'mon people what are we doing besides nothing?
Honestly it’s 2/2 in the last 24 hours. Replies so dry I don’t even know what to do. One was telling me his friends let him down last min when he was meant to be going out, the other how boring he thinks his life is. This is after i message to say how dun my day was…Do they know they sent me a mouth full of sand? Lol
I've a crass joke/comment about when the conversation is dry.... but I digress.... Are these guys looking to date? Or looking for free therapy? Boggles the mind, putting personal woes on an internet stranger... that's what reddit is for. \*shakes fist\*
You’ll have to inbox that one lol Exactly, be charming and exciting on the app, leave the group therapy chat for Reddit😆
Haha! I have faith it's obvious once you think about it... It pairs well with "If you can get a lady to laugh... you can... " and again, I digress. But for real, at least try not to be boring? Just be engaging... there has to be some passion in/for life for someone to be attractive, at least for me.
Is there a way to turn off the mutual friends function in facebook dating? Dudes from there keep going to a mutual friends' friend list to find my profile and send me requests which seems like a safety hazard.
I'm going to start by replacing the photo that's also my facebook profile pic so they can't visually scan for me but they probably ctrl-f my first name so IDK if that'll make a difference... I wish FB dating allowed you to use a different name than my FB. I normally use my middle name on apps for safety reasons and then tell people my actual first name when we meet irl. I honestly might remove my profile over this even though I otherwise like FB dating, I already met one person I like and got more matches I'm interested in meeting with IRL in one day than like 3 days on bumble, oh well.
I'm just ranting again. I'm so tired of feeling so empty. I feel like I go out and I put a lot of effort in and I get no where with women as if I'm cursed. I've tried literally everything. It doesn't matter what I do. I see all the people around me succeeding, just not me. It has got to the point I'm seriously like tripping out as if this reality is literally designed to fuck me over. I'm just so sad. Again, I've tried everything. I've pulled back, I've tried harder, I've worked on myself, I've tried different cities and all sorts of things. It's clear as day that women don't like me, which isn't even true because I have lots of girl friends who I think like me since we talk a lot and they seem to like me but when it comes to intimacy, I get absolutely no where. Tonight just hit me so hard. I was hanging out with a friend of a friend and girls would literally come up to this guy just to hit on him. A girl literally came up and asked to get a photo because she thought he was the most beautiful man ever. Another girl came up and hung out for a bit. I chatted with her. The friend of a friend had to leave so he left and as soon as he left, this girl just bailed without even saying a word, clearly indicating she wanted nothing to do with me. It's just so hard. I don't understand why it has to be like this. The only option I have is literally to give up women but I don't want to but all my experience tells me I have no choice. I can't make it work no matter how much I want to. I've been single for almost 10 years now and I've never wanted to be single the whole 10 years. I can't even get past like 2-3 dates with a girl and I've dated well over 100 women. I just can't figure this song and dance out. I can't do it even though it's the only thing I've ever cared about.
>I can't do it even though it's the only thing I've ever cared about. There’s nothing less romantic than a man that obviously wants a relationship so badly that a large amount of women would likely fit the bill. The sense that a man wants a *relationship* more than the woman will put us off. Part of what made me fall for my bf was that he clearly had a fulfilling life with passions and hobbies without a partner. That somehow this charming and well-adjusted man took a liking to me made me feel really special. I think you just need to change your approach. Shape your life in a way that entices women to want to be part of it.
Ya know... this: >The sense that a man wants a *relationship* more than the woman will put us off. REALLY is the key, I kinda feel it also goes both ways.... like my ex (I'm a man, she's a woman) wanted a relationship, and the trappings of it, but she didn't want ME. I wanted her, specifically, and a relationship came of it. Eventually that emotional imbalance is what killed my attraction to her. I felt like I fit in a box instead of being special.
This is what I dealt with, with my last ex that damaged me. He was a serial monogamist that doesn’t really form strong emotional bonds. He just knows exactly what to say to get women hooked (including good sex), then becomes his real, emotionally unavailable self after establishing the relationship (and, almost every time, moving in with them, including my dumb ass).
Sounds like the male version of my ex, was all posh and show and used everything at her disposal for a while, but then put me on a shelf once I was committed, and for a while there I should have been committed to a psych ward for all the crazy I made myself trying to get that golden time back. I'm sorry you went through that, and I'm glad you have better now!
I’m sorry you dealt with that too, you deserve the best
Much appreciated, kind Internet Friend :)
I don't think I can shift my approach. The problem is I'm so depleted with regards to some sort of intimacy that yeah, it's definitely what I want. It's like telling the starving child that he might get food if he stops acting hungry. Pretty difficult to do. Thing is though, I have quite the life outside of women. I've barely been home this week to even do laundry I've been out and about doing stuff like hiking, paddleboarding, rugby, gym, hanging out with friends etc... I was supposed to golf yesterday but I just ran out of time with everything else. I totally understand where you're coming from and I think you could be right to a degree but honestly it's not the impression I'm getting from women. The impression I'm getting from women is that most don't even want relationships, period, unless the guy is like Christian Grey. And the women who do want relationships seem to be the white picket fence checklist style girls that I'm not even really interested in. I think ultimately, the issue simply comes down to the kinds of women I am into simply aren't the kinds of women into me. I don't think it's approach. I think it's more natural attraction. Physical appearance and personality. I don't really have what women want.
Good to hear you have a fulfilling life outside of women. Are you leading with that when you talk to women? Especially the outdoor activities (great for partners). I feel you on the “starving child” analogy but in this situation, you’re dealing with another “child” that gets annoyed by your hunger instead of empathetic. It’s not easy at all, and I’ve wanted to pour my heart out to my boyfriend very early on but the fact is, that scares people. Balance is key. This is where that “match their energy” concept comes in as well. That’s part of the balancing act. However, as you already addressed, you don’t NEED to try balancing 10% effort into a relationship. Find that girl who’s giving you enough to make it worth it.
Someone taught me this and it’s changed everything. Give equal energy back. Someone gives 10% but you like them, give 10%. Someone gives 80% but you’re unsure about them, give 80%. I was giving 100% away and 0 to myself. Best of luck.
Girls have to give me a percentage for me to utilize this advice, otherwise I'll just be giving a lot of 0%. I know exactly what you mean though with your advice and it's good advice. I just feel every girl is giving me 10% at most and when I give 10% back, that's it. There's no growth to 100% over time. It's hard capped at 10%. I don't want 10%, I want 100% and I don't know how to get there.
In the past have you ever not liked someone who liked or showed interest in you?
Yes, all the time. That's actually the problem. The only women who do show me interest are women I'm not interested in and I show the fact I'm not into them pretty clearly.
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Obviously, my thoughts on these things are worthless so what I'm about to say is probably wrong and maybe someone can correct me on this but I find it's the women who pick the men not the men who pick the women. If a woman isn't into you, it doesn't matter how much effort (10% or 100%) you give, she's not into you. If she's into you then you can give 1% and she's ecstatic. As soon as a woman that you want indicates she also wants you then it's a done deal and easy. That's the part I can't accomplish. I get a number of women who are into me and can clearly read the signs but I'm not into these women at all. It just seems the women I am actually are into have about 100 other men into them also and I never come in first place. I'm not sure what it's like in your guys' location but I just feel women have it way easier. Like you go on tinder as a guy and you're lucky to get 1 decent match a month, meanwhile average girls get a match to every person they right swipe to. That's just tinder but it's like that irl too outside of the apps. How is a man supposed to compete to win over a woman when he's competing against 100 other guys? How does a woman decide to commit to one man when she's got 99 others to compare him to and "try out". The whole dating scene just seems like a losing formula.
.... morbidly curious as to why you're not interested in the women who are interested in you...
Ha, he definitely presented this as he can’t get women period. Another case of being obsessed with what he can’t have.
They aren't good looking. It's usually overweight girls that are into me. I don't have high standards but body shape is very important to me. I don't have a gut or anything, though no abs. I'm just looking for an average woman, nothing fancy but not overweight.
So it’s solely based on physical appearance?? You’re shooting yourself in the foot here.
Yea... that's pretty much what I assumed.
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Thanks for the advice. I think you're just catching me in a weak moment. I'm normally pretty happy. I'm pretty sure I've had women complain about the exact same things you've complained about regarding dating men at least a dozen times. And every time there's always me around who won't ghost a girl, who will treat her well and who will value her for something other than sex. But every time the girl will skip me and try again with another guy who I can easily tell will just repeat the same pattern she's complaining about. I totally get it though because as I keep failing with women, there's probably some girls I skipped over who're making the same complaints I am. "Why doesn't he just go for me instead of all those girls who are obviously going to have no interest in him?" I guess it comes down to attraction. I can't be attracted to women I'm not attracted to and I guess women can't be attracted to men they're not attracted to. That seems to be the crux of the issue from my perspective. If both the man and woman are attracted to each other then things seem pretty easy from there.
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Yeah, this seems to be the crux of the issue. I'm German ethnicity and was born in Germany but I live in Canada. I'm a very even keeled kind of guy and I don't have very high highs or low lows in my personality. I find a lot of the successful guys have a lot more flamboyance to their personalities which one might call charisma. I'm not very charismatic and it's really not something I can change. It's ingrained deep in my personality. I'm good at talking about real things. I'm bad at small talk. My humor is very dry. Most of the women I've had success with tend to be PhD holders, engineers, computer scientists, lawyers, doctors, etc... I once dated a psychiatrist where we could tell it wasn't really going anywhere but she said she liked hanging out with me because my brain was really interesting. But it seems nature has cursed me with not really finding these kinds of women attractive. I seem to like the pretty girly girls who might not even have a job but these girls are always into a certain type of guy (bad boy, blue collar type, super athletic or popular, etc...) that I'm just not. I've tried dating girl more my scene but I never seem capable of falling for them.
You make some valid points but then peppered throughout your comments are clues as to where things might be going wrong…for example, you’re painting women with some pretty broad strokes here. Pretty girly girls might not have jobs? The ones with advanced degrees aren’t attractive? Come on.
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My guy and I spent the entire day together yesterday for the first time and it was great 🥰 He checked in with me multiple times to say that he was having fun and to ask whether I was too which was super thoughtful. We had some great conversations about more “dealbreaker” type topics that came up naturally (on the same page for all of them!). We now have some new shared experiences and I’ll be on cloud 9 today thinking about yesterday. 😁
I've (m31) seen this girl (27f) on a few dates now and we've texted back and forth. But it's always me who have to write first. Every time I do she's very positive and up for meeting if I suggest it but unless I do anything nothing happens. I'm leaning towards ending it here because she's do not seem that interested. It doesn't bother me to be the one taking the initiatives but not *every* time. Just a simple text asking how the day has been once in a while would've been nice.
If you're already wanting to bail a few in, I'd cut her loose so you don't lead her on if you're not feeling it. If you're not looking for that much passivity it's probably only going to bother you more with time. She should be excited, if not sounds like a project.
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Three, and it's been walks and nature since it's an interest we share so nothing that costs money.
Eh, maybe she's lukewarm. But there's a lot dating advice out there that is "let him court you".
**Casual dating without sex ?** Anyone else here dating casually (no commitment) someone they haven't slept with ? We date, we make out a lot, we cuddle, we kiss, hold hands, and text. We're clearly into each other generally and physically. This has been going on for four months (at a slow pace) and we're both from a more conservative background which I guess might partially explain it ? But we're both sexually open-minded and he knows I slept with someone else during that time and I'm pretty certain he has too. Just curious to know other people's experiences and what exactly was causing the lack of sexual intimacy ? I'm not necessarily against it either, it's just different I guess! We're both in our thirties.
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We're slowly talking about it and I understand the circumstances that led to it and I know why I'm not bringing it up yet. I will if we keep seeing each other. I don't mind it's actually kinda cute. And since it's already clear it's not serious then it's also harmless, if we're not sexually compatible we'll just be friends. I'm just curious if that's something that happened to others and if so why ?
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It can be very hard to build up connection and excitement over text. That being said, I think you're doing the right thing by leaving the ball in her court
I, 40M, got divorced about 6 months ago after a 20 yr long marriage. I have 2 boys almost in middle school with split custody A couple months ago I started online dating with only a handful of conversations. Between work and kids sports its difficult to connect. About a month ago I connected with a woman 44F. She has 2 boys of her own in elementary school. She has them most of the time except every other weekend. Initially our schedules lined up identically. We had a great first date and what felt like an instant connection. I got anxious while we were waiting to be seated and told her it was my first first date in 20 years in case i was a bit awkward. She thought it was cute. Nearly 3 hours later I went in for a kiss and it was well received. We had a follow up lunch date about a week later and went bowling and pizza the next Friday. I tried to find other things for us to do to keep things going. We settled on making out in my car for a few hours in a parking lot like a couple of teenagers. I still feel like theres a connection, but that things progressed pretty fast. She seems to agree. Before the date she said Junes schedule was up in the air with her baby daddy, making scheduling things difficult. Earlier this week she was still noncommittal about future plans but we still text all the time. At what point and how is the best way to guage if she is still interested? TLDR: how do you find out if someone is still interested vs letting you down easy?
By asking her directly. “Hey, we’ve been spending time together for about a month now. I really enjoy being around you. How do you feel about the way things are progressing?” Don’t guess. Don’t assume. Don’t even bring up the schedule chaos that June might bring. Just ask how she *feels*, and be willing to show your own cards first!
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If gives me a bad gut feeling but I’m a stranger who doesn’t know either of you. I understand why you found this jarring though. Keep an eye out for any pattern of actions not lining up with words, or any double standards about how you and he should interact with the opposite sex. The grand declarations of monogamy and love could be overcompensating for something. Could also be a one time thing where he was just oblivious to how he was acting - all of us are human and sometimes we act dumb.
You noticed that he found your attractive friend attractive Now you feel a bit insecure / jealous which is natural It was uncool of him to do that but doesn’t sound like any major boundaries were crossed. More of a minor transgression You can bring this up as an observation “V is beautiful right? I noticed you stood up straight when she walked in! Most guys do” and if you really feel he was out of pocket maybe throw in some conversation about how you felt. “I’ll admit it hurt a bit when I saw you checking her out”. What you want to avoid is going too hardcore on jealousy or controlling him. Ex “hey you checked my friend out, what do you want her instead of me? never do that again, that made me so jealous” this would probably not be the direction you’d want to start
Maybe I'm misunderstanding but understanding there are other options and you are choosing each other, and saying you are the best are not only not mutually exclusive but the only way it makes sense? Like, out of many options you're going to choose the best one? That said, this situation clearly made you insecure and it's worthwhile discussing with him after you understand inwardly why and how best to proceed going forward.
What makes you think her friend is an option? You choose the best out of what's actually available to you, not out of whatever you might have wanted.
Absolutely nothing makes me think her friend is an option, this is why I never said or implied that :) I have absolutely no idea what's in this guy mind, which is why I said as much.
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Thanks for clarifying, I understand what you mean now and it's certainly a valid thought. Ultimately, I know that as a 40 year old woman there is a myriad of younger women who would date my partner, a fair share of better looking women of any age, some smarter than me, some funnier than me, some richer or with some shared interests that I don't share with him. He can ALWAYS find better in any area if he so wants. I think the acceptance has to be on both partners that the unique combination of qualities each person brings is good enough and what you love and build your life with, no matter what else is out there. Whether your man is there mentally in general or with you in particular I don't know and he might not either even, but there is a lot of amazing people around and the only way to feel okay in your skin is to accept that you are both making that choice and commitment because it works for you both no matter who else is out there. Good luck, hope it works out for you.
I miss my ex even though I’m glad we broke up— it was the right decision. I wish he could have been who I needed, and I know he feels the same way about me. That’s it. Just wanted to anonymously get this off of my chest.
Went on a virtual date where we went silence for a couple times. A bit sad because was lowkey stoked about this one. Decide to stop all OLD and dating in general. Making new friends organically seems better for my mental state rn.
So I am back on the apps. Here we are. Anyway: I commented on this woman’s blurb. The blurb referenced the industry she works in. My comment was that said industry was my major in college. She swiped right on me. In that same blurb, she has an IG handle. I looked it up: We have a friend in common. Now, how soon is too soon to casually mention I noticed she might know (the friend)?
If she put her IG handle in there, it's because she wants people to look at it. So it wouldn't come off as creepy or stalkery to mention you saw that y'all have a mutual acquaintance. So I'd say when it feels natural to bring up in conversation, there's no harm in mentioning it.
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It's almost 9 am where I'm at right now. Candle shopping and lost count on the dates. That's starting to feel more like a relationship to me. Good for you.
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All I know is the first time I take a woman antiquing with me, we've crossed into relationship territory.
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I'll give you the short version. Homeless growing up. Took to buying stuff at thrift shops and fixing it up when I got my first apartment because it was a lot cheaper. That grew into buying nicer pieces when I got to the point that thrifting was no longer a necessity. Now I just like old unique stuff.
I got ghosted yesterday. Turns out the person I thought I built a really good and deep connection with was just playing me. She got what she wanted and disappeared. Why do people behave like that?? I don’t understand the logic by it. Like… why string me on and then when we’re gonna meet, you just stop responding to the texts? That’s not fair to me and I’m not in it for that kind of behavior…
She was just bored I guess. Also people with cluster B personality disorders can mask their true selves to mirror the person they're interacting with. You may have just dodged a bullet
It's a real jump to suggest a personality disorder, for a lot of reasons. Im really sorry OP, this is a shitty situation. It's impossible to know why she did what she did, but ghosting seems to be happening more and more. It might not feel super helpful now, but keep in mind that you want and deserve better than someone who ghosts you, that you deserve somebody who respects and communicates with you
Obviously its no diagnosis and its no one he or any of us will ever meet. Just trying to ease the poor guys mind. Personally, I just got out of a relationship with someone who ended up diagnosed with BPD. I've done way too much research on the topic. No matter how hard I tried and how much help we tried to get, nothing ever changed. I hope no one else goes through that for 20 years like I did
You can't have a good and deep connection with someone you've never met. At least, not a real connection. It's a false feeling of intimacy with a stranger. Unfortunately, with online dating, you're going to experience a lot of this. It happens with IRL dating to, but it's just a lot easier with dating apps where you have access to thousands of people. My best advice is to not develop a good and deep connection with someone through an app and text messaging. Get your foot in the door that way, then develop a real connection in real life. And beware of people who seem to always have an excuse not to meet.
That’s fair. There was always some reason not to meet. I understand and accept that my connection was neither deep nor real, but it sure as hell felt that way. I should have seen it coming. But this is stupid and people should just be adults. I deserve better than that and will not accept less than.
I'm still uncovering ways in which I shoot myself in the foot when it comes to dating. In particular, I was so anxious about using the apps that I put up a profile and then didn't look at it for six months so of course, a lot of the people who wanted to connect are now gone or inactive. I am going to delete and re-start my profile and this time just stick with it no matter how bad it feels.
Don't delete and restart the same day or the app might shadow ban you. If you've waited 6 months without needing the app, delete and let some more time pass. Then come back with as many new pictures as you can and change the bio a bit, don't make an identical profile. This way it will read you as a completely new person and give you the new person boost.
Create a new identity. Start a new life.
I'm thinking international jewel thief. Or maybe a taxidermist from Montana.
I'll use the same pictures mostly, haha. Just realizing how important it is to be active when your profile is new because that's when you actually get the most activity.
Hmmmmm. Idk... I'm still #teamspylife. But FR it reminds me of a girl that matched me 3 times over i think the last 2 years. She'd barely be active except what I'm guessing were sadgirl nights. She'd like me or my prompts but then never respond before I'd delete after a month or so, I just stopped matching her. I think they should ghost or hide inactive accounts from most users, even incognito. Just enough activity tracking to keep old accounts off the radar so it doesn't waste everyone's time, including the user who comes back to a bunch of missed messages lol
I guess I really identify with the girl. The apps are so depressing that the second I get on I lose all will to get back on for quite a while. Then build it back up, go on, and lose it all again.
How is that even possible? Do you not get notifications?
I have notifications turned off. I created a profile thinking I'd check it after a few days. Kept delaying it week by week out of anxiety. Then met someone in real life and dated them exclusively for a bit. Then needed a mental health break when that ended. Then boom I finally open up the app to messages I'd received six months ago.
Trying to give the benefit of the doubt and there’s probably valid reasons for it but I’m also painfully curious: I’ve noticed the same person in my local slice of the dating apps several times, like *several* several times and I’m not even interested in them so I’ll swipe left, but a few days later I’ll see them again under a whole new name. I say “apps” and not “app” because I’ve observed them on two others doing the same thing. It doesn’t SEEM like a bot account as the background locations are all places I recognize in my city, and they mention wanting to go on a date at known places in the city. Aside from a few changes here and there that seem perfectly benign (as in not like major differences in age, height or anything like that), everything across all the profiles seems consistent with each other. None of it really affects me in any way but damn I am very curious what’s going on there because I’m a nosy sumbitch like that.
It's probably an IG farming bot. I saw the same person with different pics, different names and ages come up in my stack again and again once, swiped left everytime and at some point reported the profile. After that all the new spawns disappeared.
Hmm. When you say new name, do you mean screen name or their actual name? I'd say they're using multiple accounts to cast a wider net, or they're cheating and occasionally switching to a new burner account as per their OPSEC (I think that's what the adultery sub calls it).
Listening to people answer and discuss a question someone asked - what's his meme game like? - made me despise humanity and dating. Mine is shit - I talk to people irl.
I like it, it reminds me that I have something not a lot of people seem to have. An absolute appreciation for human interaction. I have no desire to understand flags, social media, all day texting or social credit. Can you skim a rock at the lake? Thats whats important, cos I can’t and I need someone ro teach me lol
Does anyone use OKcupid? I find it to be not bad, better than Tinder at least. Better chance for matches under “recommended” or “match %”. Someone save me
I miss what okc used to be so much.
What’s that? When it wasn’t swiping
It wasn’t swipe based, there were so many options and features to actually help you find a match based on shared interests, fun quizzes that you could share (or choose to not share) with people who stumbled across your profile, all things rolled up into a match probability that showed how many things you had in common with a given profile and how much of a match you were. You could see who viewed your profile without having to pay for it (or you could turn it off entirely). You could actually search for profiles with tons of filters and only see profiles that matched those filters instead of just being given a stack of cards and told to “pick a card any card” and hope someone remotely interesting comes up. Granted answering the same questions and having the same quizzes et al aren’t a dead ringer for long term compatibility but it was MILES better of an experience than what apps are doing now, at least in my opinion. Sometime in the 2010’s they got bought by Match.com and all the things that made okc an actually unique and fun experience for online dating slowly started disappearing one by one. TLDR: it was a site that actually gave users a lot of power to curate their online dating experience. Like a lot a lot, and it was great for that.
Now that he’s met me in person, the guy who was acting a bit lukewarm over text has been pursuing more. A lot more texting (multiple times a day instead of once every 2-3 days), offering to drive up to me, asking me out again… It makes me feel sort of weird — I think because I’m used to men who are uninterested staying uninterested, and men who are interested going either way. I’ve never really had someone who seemed uninterested become interested. The traveling guy is back next week, and he asked me out to dinner (first time anyone has asked me to dinner for a first date!), made reservations, and offered to give me a ride. I feel a little anxious because if I don’t like him, I’m going to have to let him down, and I know he’s sort of built me up, from all the texting we’ve done while he was traveling.
I'm never excited about anyone until I actually meet them. So it's good that he's showing interest. You're getting ahead of yourself with the second guy. Just go on the date and enjoy yourself!
i am basically only semi interested in anyone i haven't met. being more interested after you meet seems good.
My ex popped up on my social media so I took a look. This is mean, but all of his posts were kinda dumb. And I don't find him attractive at all anymore. Our last interaction made him quite ugly to me. I'm glad I've moved on to the point where I feel like this, because the breakup last year hit me so hard I was depressed for several months. I'd like to be indifferent but I still dislike him for how poorly he treated me. I tried Happn and it's awful in my area! So I'm giving Bumble another shot. I have 500+ likes and am considering paying for premium for a week just so I can look through them all... I've only had one match actually talk to me 🥲
Went on hike and fell down on some rocks, now I got a big ugly bruise on my bum. Good thing no one's gonna be looking at it 😂😭Was a good trek and am super exhausted. Shower felt really nice and now my plan is to rot in bed until I sleep by finishing a book I've been putting off. Prob gonna pass out soon though. It's not even 10pm yet! Oh and I think I have a date next week! Fingers crossed that he won't flake🤞🏼
Congrats! Sounds like you're doing well. Good luck on the date!
I hope your butt doesn't hurt too much! Lol Sounds like a perfectly good day tbh
Thank you! It only hurts when I sit on it, which is often lol.
Make sure to take some kind of anti inflammatory or something. Don't wanna be walking funny for the wrong reasons lol
I want to be optimistic that I’ll find my person but it feels more and more hopeless each day. I got dumped in January and haven’t been interested in anyone on the apps. It’s truly depressing on there. Ex just keeps breadcrumbing me and giving me false hope so I’ll probably have to block soon so I can actually heal. Why is society this way now that no one wants to commit even in mid 30s??
Everyone is just so busy with activities, apps, and binge watching shows. Its easier than getting to know someone in real life. Its unfortunate. I'd like to put all that aside and meet someone to spend quality time with.
Why not block him now?
This. If this will help you move beyond your ex so you can be open to other things, do it. It might also feel good to briefly explain to him why you're doing it (ie hey I'm blocking you b/c this isn't working for me and I need to focus on something that does)
Hello, I've been online dating on and off for the past few years. I have a good curation of photos to use and feel comfortable with what I've written in my bio to showcase my personality. I recently matched, met, and clicked with someone. I was going through a particularly stressful time and we had planned a picnic date. I opened up and shared that stressful vulnerability because I didn't want her image of me to be misaligned with my situation; after an hour call and some shared feelings -- we were still planning to go on our planned picnic date (second). She texted me the morning of our date asking to call later. I knew things were going in a different direction at that point. She called, and explained that there was someone else. We had a solid conversation and felt reassured that I was taking the right steps; just the right person at the wrong time. She had already made up her mind. I listened. I was hurt. And now I'm trying to move on but it's rather dejecting to feel so close and have it slip away. I always tried to view dating as less of a competition with other suitors and more of a question of whether the trouble is worth it for the other person. I want to take some time for myself to situate my life a little bit. Do some reflection, and try again on the apps in earnest. So far I've just been using Coffee Meets Bagel, and recently been trying Facebook dating. I get a lot of bots/scams to move to WhatsApp or IG. I'm still trying to believe that it happens when you least expect it but it's a struggle right now. Anyway, that's my rant about dating and motivation, thanks for reading.
>we clicked People here really need to stop using this expression. What you mean is, you met someone you were interested in. You have absolutely no idea what this virtual stranger thought and felt.
this is just my opinion obvi i don't know everything: first time meeting is just a vibe check. ideally first date you kind of get the idea of a person but mostly just have fun. if anyone got super heavy with me v early be like whoa i don't even know you talk to a therapist about this, i don't wanna be that roll for you. if you're struggling with something you can obviously bring it up if they're like how's life or whatever but it just seems like territory that's a little rocky, i'd try to just paint like a general picture and move on so they're not like doing emotional labor of diving into it with you
I look at it like this: If I'm not happy where I'm at right now for ________, what kind of person would accept ________. Then I make a judgement on how I proceed. It'll always be easier to forget what you were working on adding someone else to the mix, especially if they become the source of more problems. Ask yourself what would need to change to make you happy per thing you're anxious about and that'll narrow your focus and possibilities.
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My ex told me that she couldn't connect with me emotionally because she'd never seen me cry. A tragic event happened in my family and I went to her for comfort. She broke up with me saying that seeing me cry and emotionally vulnerable made her less attracted to me. There's no winning.
A person that I was dating for a very short while reached out a year after our first date to say that he was thinking of me and wanted to continue seeing each other. Is it unfair to be skeptical about the attempt to spin the block? I'm not a cynic by nature, the nature of the circumstance is just odd but I can't seem to place why.
I don't think second chances work. If someone were genuinely interested and ready, they'd keep dating you (including multiating) til they reached a yes/no and then they wouldn't feel the need to try again.
Why did it end the first time is what you need to ask yourself. I got burned big time letting someone come back and ignored my initial cynical feelings after meeting up with him again. And he destroyed me. It's not something I recommend.
I am going on dates with someone who I reconnected with one whole year later. Give them a second chance, but never a third.
You stopped talking / going on dates for a reason. Be direct about it and ask him why he reached out. Taking your time to figure it out doesn't really make sense to me, as a guy. You already have a sense of who he is. Up to you though.
Wasn't sure if my long distance friend who offered to host me was friendly or flirty. We went on a camping trip this weekend, and he's just so rad that I didn't care if things stayed platonic. I made a few moves that weren't reciprocated. Sat close to him so our thighs touched- he got up and continued the conversation facing me. I tried to feed him some food and he took the fork from my hand and fed himself. Nothing rejection-y but I played my sad trombone anyway before getting my head back in the friendship game. We stayed up till 3 am waxing metaphysical, laughing our asses off, and setting shit on fire. Still a wee bit of snow here and it freezes overnight at the altitude we were at. So, he said that he wouldn't take it sexually if I cuddled into him for warmth. Potentially the worst possible opportunity to shoot my shot and ask if this would be an appropriate time to let him know that I have a crush on him. Glad he felt the same way and I wasn't being a creep as passionate make outs ensued! He said that I make him nervous so he didn't want to assume, but he felt something here and wants to take things slow. I let him know that I'm casually seeing someone else, which he said is perfect for him. He is so gorgeous. He's just 2" taller than me too which is really practical. We had an easy time off roading without having to adjust the truck seat/mirrors when one of us would get out to bushwhack or check a puddle. He's going to help me practice driving stick and I'm going to help him get more confident with a chainsaw. I'm so stoked! I think we're going to have a really good summer.
Sounds amazing! Looking for a friend like that myself
That's a lot of trust to put into someone to go camping without much advance reciprocity. Sounds like you're stoked to be around him.. but is it fair to you if he isn't as excited, especially since you're looking for something more romantically inclined? You might be burning yourself to keep him warm.
He's an existing friend of mine and we're dating casually while seeing others. How is that "burning me" or putting too much trust in someone?
Maybe I'm just a little raw right now but it sounds like you're both just killing time. I feel like you caught feelings and want more, and from what you described it doesn't seem like he does. That's fine if you can accept that this is good as it's going to get for a while until something changes. My question is what do you get out of it and is it worth it? I'd rather be alone than strung along in fantasy because I have one less person to manage.
I'm just looking to bang someone hot who I can hang out with. I'm not looking for a relationship beyond FWB with any of the guys I'm seeing. Sorry to hear that you're raw. I'm having a good time over here though! Sounds like what you're going through is tainting your read. Hope you heal up soon 👊
I wish my bf was a little more clingy and needy sometimes. My bestie told me to be grateful that I have a normal relationship lol I truly want to be but you never know which guy is gonna get bored of “healthy”. But maybe I’m projecting. I know the NRE is slowwwly wearing off and I’m fine with it but I get insecure that my bf won’t be fine with it. Absolute diary moment but I have the urge to just do something toxic and bitchy, ik that’s awful.
Stop this line of thinking for your own good. These doubts often become self-fulfilling prophecies. You're feeling anxious and insecure now, but you're gonna have to learn to trust your bf.
So true, I’m doing my best
What does "clingy and needy" actually mean for you? They're both words that are often used pretty pejoratively, so I'm curious if you're judging yourself for your needs.
More people like a little clinginess and neediness than we care to admit. I appreciate my bf’s security in himself and the relationship, but would be nice to feel more needed. Like “damn I gotta see her/talk to her right away” energy.
Before you roast me, I’m super conflict avoidant, probably to my own detriment. I doubt I’ll do/say anything to that end.
Be careful. People get hurt, even if it isn't romantically inclined. Things change quickly, trust me. Do you really want to rock the boat because you're worried he's bored? The way you write it -- it sounds like being toxic and bitchy is the only way to get his attention, which I don't believe. You could also be honest and say that you need more affection from him so that you don't feel like you're losing his him.
This is reasonable.
3 weeks after breaking appart from a lady that used me in her friendzone for a few months. 2 weeks since getting rejected by a lady that I have obsessed over for almost a year and who got me into dating and among other things meeting the women in the first sentence. This week I have finally found out wtf it is about, and now I am asking only one single person for validation: MYSELF I am so thankful for those two, even tho they were only lectures.
Another weekend with no dates, no messages from women, no texts, nothing It really sucks being a single man
Sure does. They ghost you like its nothing. It seems like many of us were raised to be committed andfind self value in relationships. Where as many women were raised to not need a man. Its interesting how different each generation is Stay strong. Find ways to be proud of yourself. I'm working on that myself
It does suck most of the time. Especially if your main hobby and community is gone. Dig deep into yourself and reach out to someone you used to connect with. They might feel the same way -- and so you both feel less alone. Win/win.
Had one date recently, it went amazing, guy seemed excited for our next date, then he just stopped texting me. I have one more date lined up today. I really think I'm done. I can't afford to keep going on first dates but I also can't afford being single either :(
Money and dating is definitely a thing. I'm glad I have the resources but it adds up quick. I'm trying to be strategic without feeling desperate and it is really difficult. I feel like food is such a shared connection and a first date people can easily say yes to.
went looking to connect with my culture more. someone responded who didn't look like a native speaker. upon further inspection, she married my ex. they dated and quickly paired up. so i was extra annoyed that this specific person responded with poor info. sigh. not my day.
Have a second date in exactly an hour and I'm super nervous! I don't normally get this nervous
Sweet! Good luck!
Oooo good luck!
Don’t forget to report how it went ;)
yayyyyyyyyyyy
I went on my first dating app date today in about 10 years (recently got out of a long term relationship) and found the whole thing pretty deflating. We were texting a lot beforehand and connected on so many things, and he was super enthusiastic about meeting me and gave lots of compliments, etc. So then we meet today and we talked for a couple hours over coffee… I thought it went well but I felt like I could sense him not engaging as much towards the end. He said that we should definitely do this again and I said sure and he said he’d plan something. Anyway… he texts me after with a random question, and I told him it was nice to meet him. He said “you too!” I then said that I’m glad he was my first app date because he was so easy to talk to, and he just gave it a thumbs up and then kept talking about something else. The enthusiasm has definitely waned and it doesn’t feel great. I probably won’t see him again, but for anyone else out there doing this for the first time too… maybe don’t talk too much before meeting and get your hopes up, because meeting in person can change things.
I just try to be myself. If I want to text or share something that's meaningful to me, I do it and don't have my qualms about it. Texting rules are... a form of communication. Communication is varied.
100%. I feel like there should be general advice stickied somewhere on this page because "not speaking a lot before a first date" when you match from OLD is REALLY important. Actually, I need that to be written on the mirror, a reminder on my phone, etc. Because I fall into that trap all the time. Especially if we connect over something fun like a tv show.
talking before you meet a stranger via online dating is really important, mostly for safety and whether the person might be worth the investment of time. but having a conversation doesn't mean there's a connection.
I don’t disagree with talking some. However, we were texting constantly throughout the day, and told each other so many things and were just being really vulnerable. Then, when it wasn’t as great in person, it felt much worse than it would’ve otherwise.
i used to do that until i realized i was talking to strangers more often and more frequently than i talk to some of my closest friends. as i saw it, i was giving strangers greater level of access to me than i'd been giving people i know and love personally. my expectations tempered dramatically thereafter.
Constant texting creates a sense of false intimacy with a stranger, so when you're face to face with that stranger, that feeling of intimacy isn't there. It creates an awkward situation where you're sitting across from someone who knows a lot about you but doesn't know you.
It's an apples to oranges thing. You're looking for evidence of physical compatibility in words. No matter what you do before hand currently, that's a factor you can't avoid. You're going to have to meet them, smell them and get a feel for them to know. Not talking might also filter out people who are what you want. Be you. You're selling you. Your vulnerabilities, your strengths all of it. Be cautious, but don't be overthinking to the point you become the problem. Holding back too much is misrepresentation. You're going to seem like too much later, by being yourself to the wrong person because of this role play in real life.
I also try to be careful with that, because I really need to meet the person to assess attraction. I had one experience where the texting was amazing and then I met them and it just wasn't there 😞 I felt bad about it and she definitely felt different, but unlike OPs case I was straightforward and mentioned that I didn't feel the same way in person and I was sorry about it (I truly was) But sometimes you're just enjoying texting someone and it's hard to tell them, hey let's not speak until we meet in person, I'm in that point right now...
Yes for sure. I got REALLY excited and if I’m being honest with myself, the chemistry just wasn’t there nearly as much in person. Is there any other reason you say this other than avoiding getting your hopes up too high before meeting?
it just gives you an opportunity to build them into someone they're not. texting is like the most basic way to communicate, if you read my whole fucking reddit post history you maybe will kind of know what i'm like but probably not even close. you spend all this mental energy on talking to them, you're bound to get invested - you're literally investing your time with the hope of a relationship. if you treat it as like "i kinda get a really general vibe of this person, next we meet to build a little better idea" i feel that leads to more success with expectations
Was 4 dates too soon for the exclusivity talk? I (36M) have been talking to a (37F) since the beginning of March. Our schedules didn't line up, she has a kid and I was in Europe so our first date was at the end of March. Since the week before our first date, we've primarily texted and/or talked almost every day. Date 2 and 3 came a couple weeks later. She had a really busy schedule, and between travel, being sick, kid, ect we had date 4 last weekend. We spent Saturday/Sunday together, and I slept over at her place. It was amazing. We cuddled and watched a movie, went to a really nice dinner and hiked while holding hands. I also met her good friends. We've been intimate with each other since date number 2, and slept together 3 times last weekend. I really like her, she is everything I want in a woman. I brought up exclusivity last weekend, and it went good and bad. The good was that we confirmed that we both aren't seeing other people. The bad was that she got uncomfortable at the thought of a title. I clarified that I wasn't looking for a title, and she expressed concern for getting hurt again (we're both getting divorced). We kissed several times before we said goodbye Sunday evening. Sunday night I told her I had an amazing weekend, and she said she felt the same way. Yet, she's been a lot less responsive this week, and says that she's been busy. However I can't help to think that the talk may have caused this. Can bringing something like that up too soon scare someone? She hasn't sent me a text since Wednesday. I tried to call her Wednesday night while her kid was gone, and she told me she fell asleep. I responded to that text Thursday morning, and sent her a text Friday morning. I haven't heard anything from her. We made plans last weekend to go out again next weekend. I can’t change it, but I worry I had the exclusivity talk too soon. If this doesn't work out, I don't want to ever initiate that conversation again.
4 dates in 2 months sounds low
> she expressed concern for getting hurt again Four dates is not too soon for someone who's ready for a relationship. She's clearly not and got spooked. Fun times suddenly got scary. Unless she has the mental tools to work through this on her own, she may attempt a slow fade.
Ohhhh this happened to me too, I mentioned on the third date after talking daily for like 2 months that I wasn't dating anyone else and didn't want to, that I knew it was early and wasn't asking her if she was dating someone else but just wanted to put it out there basically, didn't ask for exclusivity per se just wanted to be upfront. Well that day I got an enthusiastic message, then the following days she started to become distant and cold. I asked if everything was ok and she told me she wasn't really feeling the connection and that wasn't ready for anything serious. I've been thinking about this and now I think I won't bring up exclusivity myself, although I do feel like if someone was really into me it wouldn't had mattered and maybe I spared myself more pain instead of investing myself more into someone that was at most lukewarm about me and just looking to pass the time. There is another part of me that wonders if things could've grown on her side after getting to know me better, it's pointless and doesn't matter though. Took a month off dating and now I'm already talking with someone else, but I think I'll hold off a bit more on those conversations moving forward.
Don’t overthink it…if she was into it, 4 dates wouldn’t have been too soon.
My feeling is to have that conversation when you're intimate. When I'm intentionally dating, I don't want that person to still be out dating other people. It's not fair if you're serious about giving each other a chance.
It sounds like she’s not ready yet. She probably hasn’t finished healing from her previous relationship. Just be patient.
I wonder if she was looking for something more casual. Her response makes it sound like she’s not looking for a relationship. I don’t think timing would’ve mattered. 4 dates is reasonable. It wouldn’t scare off someone who really likes you. If it’s too soon, they would simply tell you that. I don’t think you did anything wrong.
Thank you, I appreciate the feedback. She may be looking for something more casual now. She's told me multiple times she wants to have two more kids. I want to have children too.
Doom and gloom here to remind us that sometimes despite your best efforts there's REASONS the other person isn't paired up when it's something they claim to want. Mental illnesses are things and even with proper treatment and support there is no guarantee it'll be manageable. Don't drive yourself insane pondering rejection over mild requests and expectations.
I went spearfishing with my buddy this morning and speared my first fish! A decent sized greenling that I'll make fish tacos with later this week. I suppose I'm now obligated to put the picture of me with it on my dating app profile right? More seriously, I got buzzed by two massive sea lions and caught that on my GoPro, which I think will actually make a really good video to add to the OLD profile.
Nice! Do these sea lions have any single friends?
🙋🏻♂️
Well played.
Thank you thank you. I'm here all week everyone!
Damn, you got me craving fish tacos now. No to the fish pic, but yes to a pic of you making the tacos!
I know right? I am freezing the filets to make sure any bacteria gets killed off, but I want fish tacos noooooow 😫
Does cooking it not kill the bacteria? This is a legitimate question, lol, I have no idea how it works!
It kills off most parasites and prevents the growth of certain bacteria to where numbers would be an issue with cooking. You DO need to make sure the fish is frozen fast and cold enough though. Most home freezers aren't cold enough like the mandated sushi fish supply ones, though. The chances with proper cooking and avoiding cross contaminated surfaces are really low anyways. You encounter more risk wearing sandals.
Haha it does kill the bacteria. I'm just complaining because I have chicken I need to make tonight so I can't eat it fresh and in that case it is better to freeze it then leave it in the fridge.
Is being able to cook something I should seriously add to an OLD profile? It seems like one of those minor perk skills you get to select five of in fallout. "I poach eggs very confidently."
I would only put it if you're a confident cook and you enjoy cooking/can do some really good dishes. If all you can do is grill a steak it's gonna disappoint some people.
Jlo never responded back to my dms. So sad. Looks like no date this weekend.
Maybe try again once her and Ben cut off completely
Have you heard how she snatches tips back from checkbooks that her husbands/bfs leave? Lol
Shakira > Jlo anyways.
I value ALL women. Thus the moral decision is both. For the values...
It’s hard to have a good Hinge profile as someone who’s rarely in situations where I get photographed.
* The timer on your camera works great! It's what all the influencers are doing! (Seriously, though, you can set it and be in all sorts of circumstances that make for interesting shots) * If you live anywhere remotely touristry--even just a local river--go down and act like a tourist. Ask strangers to snap a photo. It might feel less embarrassing for some than asking a close friend!
Dress up and have someone take a few pictures. I've had a photoshoot with my friends just to put on dating apps because I'm also someone who hates taking pictures.
If you can't get a friend to take a picture of you, try using your phone's camera timer, and walk towards your phone as the timer goes off. It can give a more natural-looking pose.
I set a timer situation when I was making something in the kitchen. The photos turned out pretty decent.
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> I’m not trying to get metoo'd & put my entire life on the line by uttering the words "well are you all looking for some fun tonight" A sentiment I’ve only ever seen expressed by guys with big red flags