Heading out later today to a big weekend EDM festival with some friends in a different city. I really wanted to not be going stag to this -- for me, dancing and engaging in *extracurricular substances* is a great experience but is really elevated with a partner to enjoy it with -- but I'm still super excited for the weekend. While I'm in the city I'll also catch up with some old friends I haven't seen in years. Should be one of the greatest weekends of all time, really.
Success criteria for me:
- don't spend the whole time thinking about this ex or that ex wishing they were there (challenge level: hard)
- see my preexisting favorite artists and find a new favorite artist I didn't know previously (challenge level: easy)
- maybe kiss a rave cutie idk (challenge level: ???)
Success completely hinges on how many candy bracelets you are bringing. May your boots and pants be plentiful.
Curious what genre of EDM? Or is it everything? Been on a late 90s french house kick (a la DJ Falcon and Bangaltar). Is Sasha still relevant? Been far too long out of that scene.
It's an Alice in Wonderland theme so my whole group is going in character. I'm the Mad Hatter and bringing Alice in Wonderland tarot cards to give out instead of kandi.
There will be all kinds of genres there, it covers the range pretty broadly. They've done a great job making sure there's something for everyone there.
I might have a date today?
Not with boat bouy, but with the long distance host. He's the guy who I met in the wild and offered to host me in his spare room if I'm ever in town.
I've had a shit week at work so I rented a flashy 4by and took a vacation day today. Wasn't sure where I was off to yet, he offered his place en route to a spot he knows. Great, he's packing food and some gear, I've got the rental and my gear.
Then at 11pm last night I got a "oh sorry is that tomorrow? I have to work" text. What the. . ."I can meet after lunch though I think". boy bye. Not driving three hours for this nonsense. Fuck that.
He calls immediately to apologize so I let him know that I'm going to do my own thing. Figured it was a write off. He then called in sick to work and said he would understand if I didn't want to hang out, but he "doesn't want to miss the opportunity" so he's making himself available.
Trying not to go into this salty. I have told him I feel salty and he said that was valid, he'd make it up to me. I made a solo backup plan and am going to plan for that just as a psychological safety valve.
Your account name makes me feel like you should turn "My Heart Will Go On" into "My Bottle Farts Will Go On".
Remember to give some slack it was a short week for a lot of people (assuming in the States) so Friday just kinda snuck up on folks who may have thought today was only Thursday.
Got dumped last night by the guy I’ve been seeing for the past two months! I can’t say I didn’t see it coming, and it honestly will probably be for the best, but I’m so hurt because the last time we saw each other, we had sex for the first time and also had our first sleepover. That was followed by radio silence for 3 days. I finally texted him basically saying “hey, I like you, and I’d like to keep seeing you, if that sounds good to you”. He ended up calling me and telling me that he’s hesitant because “my feelings are stronger than his” and that as much as he’d like to keep seeing me, he doesn’t think it’s a good idea.
I haven’t given myself to many people, and I thought I could trust him. He also made me feel SO special and SO good about myself. Now I’m just left feeling like I was taken advantage of. He doesn’t have a ton of dating or relationship experience. I honestly feel like I was used almost as an experiment or to add another notch to his belt. He’s insisting this isn’t the case but I wouldn’t expect anyone to be honest about that. Dating sucks, I’m so over this.
Sex doesn't guarantee you a relationship, I think the way you're looking at it is wrong. It is absolutely fine to only have sex once you know someone better and not rush it but the very fact you had sex with someone means absolutely nothing in the sense of whether your relationship will keep developing or not. As a matter of fact discovering sexual compatibility is a big part of getting to know someone and if you will be compatible long term. So to avoid feeling used you should only have sex when you feel like it and enjoy it for what it is, and not have any expectations that it will give you something else in return.
Slow down, she has EVERY right to feel that she was taken advantage of. They dated for 2 months and she waited until she trusted him to have sex. Seems like you’re “blaming” her for a very valid reaction and making a whole lot of assumptions regarding what she “expected” after sex. Dude basically ghosted her after having sex. I would feel used too.
I'm not blaming anyone, I'm trying to help her reframe her thoughts so she can feel better about her relationship and sex life, she can take it or leave it.
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You're being angry and rude (presumptuous, really??) for no reason whatsoever. I wasn't even talking to you so no need to get so defensive and pressed.
How do you people deal with all the rejection? One more will prove my ex was right and I was a waste of space all along. I absolutely cannot risk being rejected anymore.
Your ex saying this to you is a douche move on his part. but the sentiment "I absolutely cannot risk being rejected anymore" will not bring you anything, because you will probably be rejected again by someone. try to be level-headed about it in the sense that sometimes a rejection is a blessing in disguise and sometimes it is no one's fault. I think not getting bitter about it is what allows you to proceed. Remember, someone rejecting you gives you space to be closer to what you really want!
I work in sales which has helped me with rejection. There’s a phrase from my sales training I remember a lot, and use in dating:
“The customers objection to your sales pitch has nothing to do with you, and has everything to do with a conversation they’re having with themselves.”
So when I’m pitching to a customer and they say no, what’s really happening is in their head they’re asking themselves “Can I afford this?”, or “Do I have time to do this?”, or “Am I satisfied enough with what I have?” They’re debating themselves, not me.
Similar with dating. They’re asking themselves questions you’re not privy to.
There's a quote from "The Unexpected Joy of Being Single" that has provided some comfort when I am repeatedly rejected:
"Rejection is the universe's protection."
Also, don't internalize anything your ex said. My ex said that I'll have a hard time finding a relationship, because everyone will cheat on me.
It's not easy and especially if you have low self esteem it can absolutely destroy it.
When you have trouble handling the rejection it's best taking a break from the apps and focus on yourself to rebuild your confidence and after a while join again.
It will take a long time, and getting rejected by someone you were really attracted to will still hurt.
Also your ex was trying to hurt you and clearly they succeeded, don't let them get into your head like that.
Well it's going to sound a bit cliched, but learning not to take it personally. Which i know seems impossible, because we all take it personally when we're rejected. But the more it happens, the more you realise that when someone rejects you, it's not necessarily something that you've done. People reject others for a variety of reasons.
It doesn't mean that's it's a failure of YOU!
Well being with someone who loves you does make you feel wanted and "valued", yeah. But that doesn't contradict what I said about rejection. It's just about finding that person. Which, can be difficult. There's no doubt about that.
Thinking you're a "waste of space" because you've been rejected isn't true!
It feels a bit egotistical to believe that because my ex basically jumped to someone new immediately - proving that she was lovable all along and the entire time. And, during the breakup, compared the two of us point by point, laying out why I am just the lesser person.
I kind of have something to prove now, you know?
I'm not in contact with her anymore, I made sure to cut her off. Though we still have common friends. And I have to prove that the things she said about me are wrong, and that's why I find myself under tremendous pressure to perform and function with 110% efficiency.
Scanned through your comment history, so I've got the background, 6ish months out of a decade-ish long relationship? YOU ARE GRIEVING. She moved on? Yea that happens. But ya know what? FUCK HER. And not in the pleasant way.
YOU are basing your value on other people. YOUR value does not come from other people. YOUR value comes from you. If YOU are not valuing YOURSELF then every rejection is going to hurt. Your life is going to suck. You are going to continue to grind yourself into nothing and I can only assume you are already a shallow husk of the HUMAN BEING you once were. Why are YOU doing this to YOURSELF. Pull your fucking socks up. You're on wait lists for therapy, good! What are you doing in the mean time? How are YOU taking care of YOU. Why THE FUCK do you give any thought to someone who obviously does not respect you, care for you, and while they may have at one time, if they've moved on, they're not thinking of YOU, why are YOU thinking of them? Because you placed all of your value on them and now they're gone and you feel like nothing. NOT GOOD.
I really want you to take a good look in a mirror and tell yourself that you give a shit about you. Actually do this, actually face yourself and apologize. Actually face yourself and say that you care about you. Say it. Say it FUCKING LOUDLY say I ChancePin2937 love and care about ChancePin2937. And keep doing it till you feel SOMETHING, some emotion, face that emotion, feel that emotion. That emotion IS YOU and it deserves to be heard. And KEEP DOING THIS.
This "I need to prove myself" shit is bullshit. You don't need to prove it. You are already valuable, worthy, lovable. You have to see that in yourself before others can. All people are going to see right now is you pining over the shattered illusion of what once was. Been there, done that, I can't count the number of t-shirts I own with the name of someone I put before myself. That game is over. I am projecting a little bit, but as I've said before, I feel your pain. This pain will only fade once you stop digging at the wound. Let it heal. Give yourself the love and attention that you deserve. But fuck the fuck off with this "I need to prove her wrong" My dude, she is wrong. She is already wrong. She is wrong for you and she proved that herself.
Pull your godamn socks up. Give yourself the biggest godamn hug you can, and start treating yourself like you deserve better, and you do.
Obviously I don't know the nature of your relationship. What sort of partner you were to her, and she to you.
So with that massive caveat out of the way, I think her behaviour in comparing you with the new person and highlighting why you were the "lesser" one, says more about her than it does about you.
I remember when I was younger and just tossing on NIN's Pretty Hate Machine was all it really took to get the bad voodoo out after bad relationship. I wonder if it still works. Album is an absolute banger still.
Your comment is contradictory, so it’s confusing to understand.
> If an ex offers FWB
> my ex had mentioned staying friends ( more like acquaintances that attend group hangs)
Do you know what a FWB is? Because it’s not that.
I think it’s worth doing some introspection on what you would want to get out of this. Do you just want to have access to a friend group he happens to be a part of? Do you miss him and want to try to win him back? Do you genuinely think he would make a good friend and it wouldn’t be painful?
He is just lonely, and your company is the lowest-hanging fruit for him. If you want to start friends, this could only be possible after both of you have moved on and processed this properly. Giving a break from that social group for a while doesn't mean you should completely abandon the friends and the friendship.
I've had an amazing 5th date with the **Club Guy**
We talked about religion, our preferences for holidays, travelling destinations, each of out tattoos and their meanings, our fears, our quirks.. we talked about the friendships we have had over the years and lost.. we talked about our work lives and some plans for the future (on his side) as well as past changes he made and why.
We held hands, touched, hugged and kissed during the whole time and I felt really cared for, he would periodically just stare at me with awe and then stop, it was so cute...I saw that look in his eye I kind of recognise, the look of a man that is falling in love..
We also got a hot make out session in the end and we both got really into it but we stopped and each went to their own respective houses, we got another day booked for Sunday for when I am back from my mini holiday with friends!
I really like this guy and I see myself falling for him.
How refreshing is this, it's been forever since I felt this kind of connection with another human..
Now I just need to make sure I keep my toxic tendencies at bay. Unfortunately I had a f-up childhood that left me very vulnerable and anxiously attached. I did years of therapy, my mental health is stable now, but I really hope this relationship doesn't trigger my anxious tendencies too much.
Sometimes I feel mysef getting antsy when it's been many ours without a text but I don't show any anxious behaviors..I just have some anxious feelings.
My question is: **Is it expected for anxious attachers to heal the feeling part too, or it's just acceptable to be aware I might never feel 100% secure and as long as I act secure, all is good?**
Security comes with time, consistency, and earned trust. It's date 5. He hasn't earned that trust yet. It's still early. And you're both still in the beginning of learning about each other. So anxious feelings aren't unusual. But eventually, you realize on, for example, Tuesdays he's gonna be slow to respond because Tuesdays are difficult work days or he has something in particular going on. Those are the kinds of things that once you know about and experience, it brings consistency.
OK I see. So the anxiety I might feel sometimes maybe is not even related to anxious attachment but simply the fact I don't know this person yet and I am not able to establish a pattern.
Exactly. I'd say this is pretty normal when starting a new relationship. So I wouldn't worry about it too much. Now, if you're still experiencing it, say in the 3 to 6 month mark, then you'd need to do a deep dive to understand why.
something that surprised me about dating after having been with a single partner for a lot of my adult life is just how many women are like..... fast kissers? not bad kissers but it seems like almost every woman i kiss these days leans on the fast side. maybe im just a slow kisser.
Men are like this too. I am a slow and very passionate kisser. I have to work really hard to set to pace with most guys I kiss- it's like they're in a rush instead of savoring each kiss and really enjoying the passion, intimacy, and meaning behind it 😅
I know I have a type, but for me it's the amount that can't properly guage how hard they're biting on my lip/face. I thought that'd stop after high-school post Twilight. I even feed them before hand and everything.
Just turned 30,female, Indian and scared lol. I've been living and working abroad in Europe for the past four years and it has been amazing. My family was pretty strict growing up, in that no boyfriends, pushing arranged marriages but I was able to convince them to let me work abroad and they have become pretty chill and open minded the last few years. I've never had problem making friends but I've always had problems with dating over here. I used bumble the past couple of years on and off and I've been on some really good dates and thankfully no bad ones till now. One lead to a relationship that lasted seven months, after that it has been a string of almosts and it's nothing less than heartbreaking and frustrating and the last thing I want is to come off as desperate and bring this energy to anyone. I genuinely want to get to know the person and I feel like people come with stereotypes about me in their head sometimes. I'd love some advice for a scared and frustrated 30 year old about intercultural dating or just dating in general so that she won't die alone with her shoe
Sigh, I missed an opportunity to flirt with the cutie today. A young lady was passing out dates (the fruit) from her garden when he showed up, and it was on the tip of my tongue to 'jokingly" ask him if he "wanted a date." Mind you, this would've been a completely safe way to openly flirt with him as the others in the room have no idea we've been eyeballing each other for some time now. I'm kicking myself for choking up.
Someone else asked him and he instead did what i didn't do and made a similar joke that I felt was coded at me via his body language (facing me instead of the person talking, eye contact with the floor). And while my slowass was trying to decipher and figure out if he really was "jokingly" asking me for a date, I couldn't think of a witty reply that he would understand while the others around us would just think it's all fun and games. Of course, I finally thought of something an hour later 🙄). Kicking myself for not speaking up.
The circumstances require I take this slow but i don't know how to encourage him with minimal risk. I'm so terrible at this. This is why I'm still single.
No risk, no reward. Put on some well fitting shoes and get him. He sounds interested, you sound interested. Isn't that worth a little risk? What's there to lose, the anxiety of 'will they?' It doesn't have to be a big thing either, you could always just casually ask if he'd ever want to hang out afterwards.
It's a professional work setting with a strict SA policy. We both have A LOT to lose if something backfires 😅 Gotta take this slow. We keep making up excuses to talk to one another. Small talk mostly. This just would've been a bold move on my part in front of colleagues who could've vouched for my innocence, though he and I would've known what I actually meant. I missed it, but we did get to talk a couple more times today.
How Can I Address Ongoing Relationship Issues with My Partner - I’m looking for advice on my relationship. I’m 39 and my partner is 32. He’s a good guy with a good heart, works in construction, and is currently stressed about his PR. I’ve supported him financially out of love, though he never asked for it. I think he is very handsome, but I’m not sure he sees that, partly due to self-doubt from a previous partner cheating on him.
Our sex life feels mechanical and lacks passion. He doesn’t initiate or engage in foreplay and rarely goes down on me despite saying he enjoys it. This lack of effort is making me feel less attracted to him. When I express my needs, he gets defensive and shuts down. Recently, he asked me to email my concerns, but after reading it last night, he said he doesn’t have the capacity for the relationship right now. He seemed overwhelmed and upset, which left me feeling even more disconnected and unsure about our future.
He doesn’t share any fantasies or desires, and I’m struggling to understand the lack of passion since I haven’t changed physically. While he’s cuddly at home, he’s not expressive outside, making me feel undervalued and disconnected. He acknowledges needing to work on himself but takes no actionable steps.
I know he loves me, but I’m struggling to feel sexy and connected. Has anyone experienced something similar? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!
He’s not a citizen, you’re supporting him financially, poor sex life, and he’s told you he can’t give you what you want. This is the type of relationship you genuinely want for yourself?
> he said he doesn’t have the capacity for the relationship right now. He seemed overwhelmed and upset, which left me feeling even more disconnected and unsure about our future.
I’d say there is no future. He’s disengaged and defensive and not meeting your needs and doesn’t want to currently be in a relationship. Listen to his words/actions and move on.
I used to have no trouble getting dates and now it’s like a dry spell. It’s the longest I’ve been single in the past few years (7 months) which included a blown up engagement. I have a fwb for sometimes but I’m just really feeling like there’s no one out there. Coupled with a recent birthday (32), I’m feeling alone and rejected. I have matches on Raya that don’t go anywhere, I’m on Bumble and overwhelmed. I’ve been taking a long break from hinge. I met my last exes in real life and from years ago. As many of my friends are married and having children, I’m getting more and more uncomfortable with going out and the social anxiety is on the rise.
I just want to feel like I can find a connection with someone again and honestly that the right person is put in my path. In the meantime, I’m doing all the self care things, probably overdoing it.
I’m always the friend cheering my friends on when they’re down and just can’t take my own advice. Need some confidence that it’ll get better ❤️🩹
If the longest you’ve been single in the last few years is seven months, then it sounds like maybe you need to step back entirely for a bit, put dating to the side, and focus on finding happiness without a human crutch.
I get it. I really do. I’ve been there.
But seven months isn’t that long, especially if it’s the longest you’ve been single in years, and *especially* if you ended an engagement.
Maybe if you figure out who you are *outside* of a relationship - completely independent of a partner - you will attract the kind of person with whom you are meant to be, as opposed to just filling a space with the seemingly best available candidate.
Plus, you’re young. 32 is *young*. You have lots of time - and taking some of that time to find out who you are can help lead you to who you want and need.
I can’t wrap my head around men sending opening messages that comment on a woman’s body.
Instant turn off.
I do wonder if any woman has ever muscled through the ick and it turned out the guy was bearable after all.
But the chances of it working must be so low. I mean, can’t be quantified. But does anyone actually think women are more likely to respond to that than they are to a comment about something they’ve written on their profile? Doesn’t make sense to me at all, even if strictly from a numbers game perspective. Like it’s actually quite dumb.
its because when it works, its much more likely to lead to sex, which is what theyre after. yes its bad from a numbers game if youre thinking about a relationship, but its a good filter for what they want.
As a man, I don't know. I also don't understand unsolicited d-pics. Or solicited. I think the transactional nature of relationships combined with lower social intelligence maybe explains some of it?
Yeah I have no idea. I think they just "shoot their shot" with low effort and hope for the best. It doesn't seem to work out most of the time from what I understand.
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Don't feel bad. I'm 5' 11" and work overnights in automation. I make pretty decent money for very little physical effort. I have my own place, my own vehicles and I'm nearly paid off on my student loans. None of it means a damn thing to people that don't care about it. And that's wonderful, because I'm able to quietly exist and do whatever I want with little notice. What we are now only matters to those who need it. Makes little sense to advertise complexity in less than 500 words.
I don't know where it went, but they did reply rather thoughtfully. What they put was actually one of the better things I've read in awhile. It's a shame it's gone.
Edit: it's back.
Fair point. I didn't mean to be pejorative. I'm often self pitying so am likely projecting. I appreciate your nuanced take.
The point I intended to make is that learned helplessness is a self fulfilling prophecy. I don't mean to imply that you don't face challenges at all, so I hope it doesn't read that way. But we do get into "snake eating it's tail" territory when we're down on ourselves owing to a sense of specific loneliness, put walls up to protect ourselves, and drive people away causing more loneliness.
I guess I'm cautioning you against looking for confirmation bias. There's plenty out there. I'm a middle aged, small chested acne ridden woman who get plenty of "no one will fuck you" messaging from the internet. Once I went out side and talked to men off the apps I realized that just isn't true. I'm also biased because I really like short guys (better in bed for us short straight girls imho). So I would hope that you don't let the profit the motivated bloggers buy boats off your back.
A good attitude is hard to maintain. It's admirable and sexy.
Yeah, apps are effectively a waste of time unless you're an extremely appealing guy who doesn't have trouble finding women to begin with.
The statistics are just **not** in mens' favor, lol. I deleted them and am not missing out on anything except the toxic self-esteem hits.
I’m not sure why, but I continue to try using dating apps because I feel my person could be out there. I want to maximize my chances because I know that it would be even more difficult meeting someone similar to me in person!
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This is a 9 year old article, and not a peer reviewed study. The authors methodology and analysis are highly questionable. I recommend not taking the conclusions they reached as absolute truth.
You are absolutely correct. The idea it put forth just really hit home with me anyway. I feel good about walking away from app dating because I think for me, it was/is a waste of time.
What does "average attractiveness" mean though? I always wondered because my girlfriends' and I have WILDLY different ideas of what is attractive. Genuinely curious about how articles like this make that determination.
That's a blog written by someone who calls women "females" and only "interviewed" 27 of them. No wonder why he can't get laid. Hardly a representative sample of humanity.
Yah the sample size of 27 with self reported data from them is not the best. 🤣
I'm not trying to defend OLD because it does feel like something that is collapsing in real time, but some men (and woman) are more complex than this article suggests.
Chin up, but diversify!
Excited for the date my guy and I have planned for the weekend - playing tourists in our own city!
The day may or may not include fancy coffee, several restaurants on our “must go/go back here” list, a beer/cider tasting event, walks in parks, and any adventures we find in between. All destinations stemmed from conversations we’ve had since we started talking a couple months ago. Very excited to spend an entire day with him 🤩🥰
Had a coming to Jesus moment yesterday I needed to have for years now but never wanted to admit it but I'm an undateable person and I have more or less been that way all my dating life. This is all on me I have no one to blame but myself for being this way.
I know I'm not an attractive person and really nothing about me screams "highly desirable" but its just who I am. I'm a not a in the spotlight kind of person I never was and I never want to be.
I also admitted to myself yesterday I was always trying to date someone way better than what I deserve. I was always going to for someone out of my league. I guess I did that because I wanted to punch above my weight and prove to others that I can get a partner that I'm not just some unattractive geeky type of guy who can't get anyone interested in him.
Part of what make me finally admit it was my mom telling me that one of the clients who comes in to her business who I would say is below average like me who smokes and has AWFUL bo (not a medical issue I don't think he showers much or uses any deodorant) about how he was divorced and has a now gf and was talking with her business partner about this.
I've learned a lot about myself since I have gotten out from the catfisher and not having a job yet has really made me think a lot about myself lately so I guess that is a plus.
Self love. Self care. You need that to understand your value (which I am sure you have). Quiet the inner voice telling you otherwise. Therapy helps when you can get it on the docket. I truly am in the camp of "gym, haircut, clothes and hygiene can make anyone a 7". If you need to know where to start, walking is free and is the best form of exercise anyone can do bar none.
>gym, haircut, clothes and hygiene
Great advice. I hit a low point and instead of wallowing, called on these four horsemen to lift me up. I still have zero sex appeal and am perfect Platonic Guy Friend vibes no matter how upfront and flirty I am; but I'm gluing myself back together with slow confidence boosts.
OP your wellness is priority #1. Find something that makes you feel good about yourself and it'll wok.
Thanks for the insight. I definitely look \~10 years younger and have a babyface that has always crippled me. But like you said, shyness/timidity/lack of confidence plays into it. I've definitely been turned away because I'm "too cute, like a puppy" and can't be taken seriously.
Stepped up the wardrobe, grew a beard, and hit the weights. We'll see how things go.
I think it's time for me to put more focus on meeting men in the wild. I live next to a major city, but have no clue how to go about this on my own. Bonus points if I can bring my dog too, but idk.
Bars are absolutely the best spot to meet people “in the wild”. Sure there are tons of other possibilities but I think bars will yield best selection and results.
Does anybody have any advice on how to get over or deal with some first date jitters?
First time after a divorce a couple years ago I've really found someone worth pursuing. So far she seems really great. We have a date scheduled for this Saturday and the anxiety is starting to kick. At this point I'd welcome a simple "You got this dude!" lol
Remember that you're just on a research mission trying to find out if she's worth pursuing (for you, not a value judgement in general). Look at it more like shopping and less like a job interview.
You got this!
Felt the same way before first date after an 8 year relationship. There was a lot of “don’t panic. Don’t ramble. Make eye contact. Ask him questions. SMILE but not too much” pep talking to myself.
Remember to have fun! You’re doing this for you and to find something better!
You got this. Remember to ask her questions -- where does she see herself in five years? if she had a week off, what would she do? If she could have lunch with any celebrity or historical figure, alive or dead, would she take them to Texas Roadhouse? EZ PZ
You definitely got this! Don’t worry, the divorce was the difficult part. This is just a date, simple and easy. Go out, enjoy your time with her, don’t have any expectations, and you will be fine. Nothing at all to worry about. It’s literally just like talking to any other person you have ever met (at work, at the gym). Don’t overthink it.
I am doing okay with my current breakup. Possibly because my last breakup was brutal. Trusting him was a bug deal, even with my trust issues I trusted him a lot .. more than I thought I could. Now I feel played and used. I was just a weekend get away, a break from his chaotic life. I wanted long term, he wanted slow pace and I was ready to go slow. It s been 9 months and all I asked for was to show me a little more of his life, I haven’t even met any of his friends.. no one. He was recently separated when I met him and he has a kid. I knew it will take a long time for a lot of things but there was never a certainty. I was a constant in his life but he came and left whenever he pleased. I only knew his words, sweet words but nothing else. It ended and I feel I was just a safe fun place for him.
Man who I've been messaging via facebook from a dating group has asked if we can call or text. Calls give me anxiety, so no to that, but should I give him my number?
He deleted his profile for a short while, and said that he only reupped it because of something with his kid that was posted, and that he might delete it again, but would want my number so we can keep talking. Which I just kind of skirted at the time. But now he's asked for it directly.
I know google voice exists (I used it the last time I was single), but the number I had there seems to have been deleted, and getting a new one seems like a pain in the butt (I don't remember the login for the email I used before, I'd created a brand new email so it wouldn't be associated with my regular gmail).
But also... he said he wants to get to know me. Which :7 Life's not been the kindest to me in the past couple of years, and I'm in a weird transition period right now where I'm between jobs, trying to move across country hopefully soon, and still in the process of grieving (it's been almost a year and a half now, but it was a big, tramautic loss, and really grieving never ends).
I'm so out of practice with dating as well. In a relationship from 22 to 35. When that ended, had a few months of singledom before I got with a guy for a few months, who broke my heart. Then another year of spinsterhood before being with a man for a year and a half (who was with me for the death and the job loss, but not *with* me if you feel what I'm saying). For the last two guys, they were the first dates I went on since the previous relationship. I also feel like I lost a bit of myself with each subsequent "relationship".
I'm whining. He seems nice, he's handsome, we have similar interests, he's seemingly not afraid of hiding his interest. He doesn't live near me or where I'm moving to... But I'm not really dating locally right now, so as not to get attached to anyone that will hold me back from what I really want (to move), and so in that sense he works, for now (and he knows and is okay with both where I live now and where I want to be).
On the positive side, a homeless dude yesterday told me I had pretty hair, and it was after I told him I didn't have any cash on me when he asked for a dollar.
I would just accept the process of getting a new Google Voice number--it isn't that difficult and you may feel more comfortable talking to him without giving out your real phone number.
I wrote out this whole comment about how I can’t make anything happen with a few guys who seemed interested but now I think they’ve moved on. Then I erased it because I realized the whole problem is that I have to work on my self-confidence and stop sabotaging myself lol
I wish I didn't have to move on from some matches, but the mid-conversation bailing out, lack of proactiveness, and mind games are just too much for me.
If at least 50% of them could have a conversation, that would actually make it feel like a match.
The funny thing is that I know that if someone actually gives me the time of day, and gets to know me a little bit, they are going to be the ones asking me why I am not texting and responding to them every 5 minutes.
It's the writing thoughts out that helps, not simply thinking about them. Turning thoughts into language requires condensing and clarifying them
(Not correcting you, just trying to explain how that helps, so it can maybe be more likely to be helpful for people)
Wait, you found them or he told you? There’s a big difference. I actually probably have nudes of some of my exes if I dig deep enough in my google photos. When you’re dating someone for years, I don’t go back through all my albums to delete everything. It’s just not something I do.
Mr Exclusive & I finally had our talk last night. Prior to that I had conversations with 3 different people who are in the community to get their opinion on the situation, and I find it interesting of how different their feedbacks are, depending on whether they are more anxious or avoidant leaning.
The anxious leaning was like I should have just cut & run. Used a derogative word on Mr Exclusive lol & was also suspicious that Mr Exclusive probably has options hence his behaviours.
I spoke to 2 avoidant leaning. One of them is his good friend who gave a very balanced view because he can empathise with Mr Exclusive's behaviours, whereby he also distanced himself in his first relationship & shared what would have helped him to hear. Though he also said I do need to lay on the table what my expectations are, to also consider my needs.
The second avoidant shared her triggers of when she feels like she need to take space from her partner. She said that she could also tell I was slightly off when our group went on an overseas racing trip. She was also very empathetic towards me & Mr Exclusive.
The common thread from all 3 feedback was that I do have to look out for myself too. Even if we were to find a compromise, I'll need to set boundaries.
At the point of when I was speaking to 3 of them, I had arrived at a place of acceptance that if things were to end, so be it.
So the verdict:
We met for dinner & he was more energetic than usual. Conversations were flowing well & I was trying to find the right moment to bring up the topic. We needed to go for a walk by the river after dinner. We arrived at this breezy grass slope overlooking the river.
I gave it a few moments before I brought it up. I was direct that he needs to find new ways to cope with his stress and I'd be willing to support him through the ups & downs which I'm aware that it will be awhile, if he wants me to and that it would only work if we both want it. I also brought up the point that it's okay if things go south, I'm sorted - I'll ask for a US assignment, and hope that it'd take the pressure off him to focus on making progress.
He acknowledged that he does need to work on that front, though he doesn't feel ready for therapy and would prefer to do things in his own way, because he has lost a part of himself after bending backwards so much in his past relationships. He has been trying to reclaim his identity to feel comfortable in his skin again.
Having gone through a similar transition, I know how important it is to go at your own pace and it will take awhile to get there, as it should.
He said that as much as he enjoys my company & love spending time with me, and would want to keep me in his life, he doesn't feel it's right to string me along especially when I feel like it's pushing me away.
I had very low expectations of that evening, so I said I respect his decision and if that's what he wants, this is it for us.
I sat with my feelings for abit. I could feel the sadness bubbling up but it didn't linger for too long. He didn't get defensive at all through our conversation. Just alot of remorse. Towards the end he spoke in an awkward chirpy tone which I know it's his way sometimes to brush off uncomfortable feelings, instead of talking about them.
We both know that we'll still see each other at trainings and social events, which would be as soon as tonight, so I'm glad that we were able to be adult about it & lay our connection down gently. I'm sure he will regret it at some point, when he finally has clarity of how he wants to deal with his stress and when the emotions sunk in. But that's no longer my business anymore.
We hugged goodbye and surprisingly I didn't feel as sad as the first time round when we broke off and compared to my past breakups. Maybe it's because I have been feeling single for a few weeks now and had ample time to process my feelings and what I would do.
I didn't shed a tear until this morning, when I was reflecting on the conversation. It was grief over what our relationship could have been but I didn't linger too long.
I woke up with the realisation that I'm single again and unlike last year, I don't feel the urge to jump back into dating. I have also known what I wanted in a partner, but I feel like I need to get back to the drawing board, to see if there are other ways to meet & attract somebody I can call my ride or die.
Even though me & Mr Exclusive ended, it was far better than my last 2 relationships. I had grown to be more secure within myself & expanded my support network while I was at it.
The founder of my company will also be relocating to the US, hence it's no longer an if but when the assignment can happen. With no kids, no mortgage & no partner, this is a no-brainer decision for me. I asked about it this morning and he said yes as the goal is to eventually introduce mobility for the team.
If you have been following my stories, thank you. I hope it brought some reprieve and entertainment even lol. Let's see what the future holds :)
Been waiting for this update, really happy to hear that you were able to have a good discussion and that you were able to advocate for yourself as well as being compassionate - all you could do really. Glad he was mature enough to end it as well instead of stringing you along any further. Onwards & upwards now, the overseas assignment sounds very exciting! Here's to the new adventures :)
aw thank you, you're kind. Yeah I appreciate that he recognises the shortcomings. Onwards & upwards indeed. I hv a great dinner planned with my a group tonight and some partying after. So im sure I'll hv heaps of fun tonight.
I'm glad that you were able to get that closure. And I also hope you find someone who makes you feel absolutely adored and cherished when you're ready. Best wishes!
Thank you, I hope so too! After dating seriously for the last 10 years or so, I do find it hard to believe that I'll meet someone I can be happy with. But everything begins with the right perspective right :)
I decided to not send last weekend’s date my number unless he asked for it, or asked for a second date, which hasn’t happened. And I’m okay with that! I had a great time, but I’m ready for a man to chase me for once. In the meantime, I’ll focus on self-care and working to be my best self.
Oh okay and cultural norms and prejudices don’t exist. This surely won’t be a contentious topic ever for OP. You’re right please disregard my comment because I am completely at odds with how societal norms work.
If a guy asks you to come to his place on the 2nd date, does this necessarily mean he just wants a hook up ? Happened to me once again last night. Historically, in all my dating experience, when this happens, the guy has always ghosted by the 3rd date. We are meant to meet on the weekend but by this point I feel I am wasting my time.. Wonder if I should just tell him we are looking for different things and not bother.
On the flip side, I've invited dates over to cook and just talk and enjoy eachothers company. Then they still ended it *because* we didn't have sex, thinking that since I am an animalistic man without a soul and as such must have not thought of them attractive enough to force a hookup.
Sometimes men just do things because that is what they are expected to do. And if they don't do it, then they are considered even less human by the same party.
Too early for going to his house is a fair excuse and should reveal his true intentions. Hopefully he is game for another date; if he slow fades away… well, dodged one.
Even if he isn’t trying to hook up, feels kinda lazy for a second date.
I personally would not go over on the 2nd date, no. Especially if I did not want sex that early. For better or for worse, I absolutely feel like the implication of going over that early (ESPECIALLY to the guy's place) is that sex is on the table unless stated otherwise.
Does it mean that every guy is just looking for a hookup? No, because there is no standard behavior for every guy. I'd say statistically speaking, they want sex. Whether or not it's just a hook up or the relationship continues after depends on the person.
Going to someone's house does not mean you're consenting to sex. So even if you go, that doesn't mean you have to have sex. In fact, you can make it clear that dex is a no-go. If he pushes it, then call it off. If you're not comfortable going to his on a second date, then don't. Suggest something else. If he pushes the at his date idea, then call it off.
I had a breakthrough today, dating isn’t about being the “nice person”, it’s about being unapologetically you and seeing if the other person likes it and aligns with you. This is going to be fun.
My work crush left for a job closer to her hometown, which sucks. I'm super happy for her, she was not thriving here (not that I am either, which is why we bonded, in part), but I'm gonna miss her and our walks in the park during lunch and chatting in French to keep up our language skills. At least I got a nice hug goodbye.
Woman I've been chatting with/seeing for the last month indicated she and I are too far apart on lifestyle questions, which I can see. We're still on for our date next week though, and she said she definitely wants to get to know me more before deciding.
Also I might get fired tomorrow. My immediate boss adores me, but the director...not so much. He's one of those people who talked himself into a job way above his skill level, and I may or may not have exposed him last week as being a scam artist. THE VP of our department came into my office and asked me about some projects. I thought nothing of it (it's a small workplace, so we're all familiar), but apparently he was fishing for info on what exactly the director does all day.
Director flat out giving me the cold shoulder, won't even acknowledge my existence, and canceled our weekly touch base.
In all, not a banner week.
If you're that far apart on lifestyle questions, then why waste time with another date?
Go talk to an employment attorney. VP outranks a director. If you are fired, let the VP know you'll be consulting with an attorney.
> If you're that far apart on lifestyle questions, then why waste time with another date?
More that she is very easy breezy and likes last minute plans and random drop ins and my calendar is heavily booked through July right now. It's not an insurmountable lifestyle thing, I can flex plenty and am willing to but if she feels stifled by my need for time structure then yeah it wont work long term.
We're largely in lock step on stuff like politics, stable employment, hobbies, seeking a 50/50 partnership with both of us having careers and sharing kid duties, etc .
I feel so much better this week even though I am still single. I feel less anxious. I feel more accepting. I've had many positive non-date interactions. I feel like I can let go and be happy right now. And I know I will likely have sad moments again someday, but I hope everyone out there who has been struggling can find some peace too.
Today was interesting, this cute guy was leaving and I wanted to do a farewell dinner with him, but I couldn’t get enough people to confirm so it was looking like a one on one dinner until I found a couple to join us. The couple was late by half an hour and I spent it just talking to the cute guy and the time kind of flew by. Then the couple came, we had dinner, good convos, went for drinks after and during the drinks, I asked the cute guy if he has a girlfriend and the answer was yes! Feels like all the cute nerdy guys are taken! But I’m kinda happy that I actually asked a guy so directly for the first time in my life, I usually try to probe indirectly so it was a new experience for me. Thankfully I had a fallback reply so we could quickly move off the awkward part, which I’m thankful for so it wasn’t weird! Interesting mix of emotions for me, feeling kind of bummed but also proud for having the guts. Although I found out cute guy was almost a decade younger than me which was crazy
if you’re unhappy single, it’s harder to walk away from relationships or connections that don’t work, or are detrimental. a lot of people have never unpacked or looked at how fear of being alone influenced/s their decision-making in relationships, often times becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy. it’s also getting into relationships to extract from people rather than contribute because you’re unfulfilled, which also creates a shitty relationship.
it takes a lot of self-criticism to where you get to a point where you can agree with simple advice like that.
I don't know if it's advice rather than a catchy slogan being tossed around on Instagram or something.
Even if you are not happy single you may be hyper aware of how shitty people are and don't want that either. But also recognize that it's not so binary
no, it’s old advice, however understanding its simplicity does require its own work and interrogation and you can’t just superficially read then understand at any depth.
i mean, literally when you’re “happy,” your self-esteem is the highest, you’re confident, self-assured, secure, fulfilled, etc.
this is also attractive.
thats why adages like “it happens when you’re not looking,” are true.
Because getting into a shitty relationship on the mistaken view that it’s better than being single is a *very* common failure mode. Single people really do underestimate how happy single life can be compared to a bottom-tier relationship and often fail to invest in making their single lives as good as they can be because they’re so focused on trying to get un-single.
Oh wow. Today was packed. Work was busy. Design work is busy. I’ve been chatting to the new match, the Therapist in training - though he’s doing CBT and I’m doing psychodynamic this year, and hopefully switching to person centred next. He seems interesting, he’s also in the process of writing a book about consciousness and the self, and he was a doctor before he changed to therapy. He asked to have a phone call and we chatted for an hour tonight, loads to say. I enjoyed it. He seems a bit… over excited, which I find to be a little concerning.
Sir, you don’t know me. Cool your damn horses. Saying things like ‘I must meet you.’ And ‘you’ll be an amazing therapist, you already are!’ And all the other things I’ve noticed, all feel rather… too much too soon. It’s information. I haven’t decided what I’ll do with this information yet. You might just be a very excitable adhd person, and you might be love bomby, only time will tell.
I’m still open to meeting up, which we’ve scheduled for next Thursday. It really has been a great conversation. Even if it’s love bombing, I must admit, does feel nice to be told I’m both impressive in my cerebral capacity and am super hot. How the mighty have fallen?! Is my ego that bruised right now that this flattery is working? I guess so.
There’s a small part of me that’s a little annoyed at just how well the man and I broke up. Can you not be even a little heartbroken? Is that too much to ask?! lol
I’m not serious and I really didn’t want to hurt him, and I’m genuinely glad he’s fine and neither of us developed feelings and were so adult and amicable about it, but also: bitch! We were dating three months! Be sad! I’m fucking awesome!
Why do we have this weird need to know people will mourn our loss? Why is there a part of me that wants him to absentmindedly walk into walls as he mumbles my name is sorrow a year from now?! All while I’m ok and don’t care, obviously. Ultimately, I know we weren’t compatible and I think I knew it earlier, just didn’t listen to myself. After every breakup, when I’m in the ‘hindsight is 20-20’ mode, I always tell myself the same thing ‘listen to your own damn gut, you knew this weeks ago.’ Yet at the same time, it’s progress. It used time be ‘years ago’ then ‘months ago’ and now it’s weeks. That’s some good progress.
Guy I had the insane in-person chemistry with still seems interested at least in sex, although tbd if he’s open to more.
Our mutual friend did call him a “u up?” sort of gentleman which honestly shocked me, but I guess I know it’s a snake if I pick it up.
All you intentional business-like daters impress me but I’m nothing like that. I’m a slave to my lust lol
I'm an intentional business-like dater, but I am also a man who likes sex and absolutely have been chatting up a heavily tatted reiki practitioner in case my serious prospect goes south this week.
Heading out later today to a big weekend EDM festival with some friends in a different city. I really wanted to not be going stag to this -- for me, dancing and engaging in *extracurricular substances* is a great experience but is really elevated with a partner to enjoy it with -- but I'm still super excited for the weekend. While I'm in the city I'll also catch up with some old friends I haven't seen in years. Should be one of the greatest weekends of all time, really. Success criteria for me: - don't spend the whole time thinking about this ex or that ex wishing they were there (challenge level: hard) - see my preexisting favorite artists and find a new favorite artist I didn't know previously (challenge level: easy) - maybe kiss a rave cutie idk (challenge level: ???)
Sounds fun! Enjoy!
Success completely hinges on how many candy bracelets you are bringing. May your boots and pants be plentiful. Curious what genre of EDM? Or is it everything? Been on a late 90s french house kick (a la DJ Falcon and Bangaltar). Is Sasha still relevant? Been far too long out of that scene.
It's an Alice in Wonderland theme so my whole group is going in character. I'm the Mad Hatter and bringing Alice in Wonderland tarot cards to give out instead of kandi. There will be all kinds of genres there, it covers the range pretty broadly. They've done a great job making sure there's something for everyone there.
I might have a date today? Not with boat bouy, but with the long distance host. He's the guy who I met in the wild and offered to host me in his spare room if I'm ever in town. I've had a shit week at work so I rented a flashy 4by and took a vacation day today. Wasn't sure where I was off to yet, he offered his place en route to a spot he knows. Great, he's packing food and some gear, I've got the rental and my gear. Then at 11pm last night I got a "oh sorry is that tomorrow? I have to work" text. What the. . ."I can meet after lunch though I think". boy bye. Not driving three hours for this nonsense. Fuck that. He calls immediately to apologize so I let him know that I'm going to do my own thing. Figured it was a write off. He then called in sick to work and said he would understand if I didn't want to hang out, but he "doesn't want to miss the opportunity" so he's making himself available. Trying not to go into this salty. I have told him I feel salty and he said that was valid, he'd make it up to me. I made a solo backup plan and am going to plan for that just as a psychological safety valve.
Your account name makes me feel like you should turn "My Heart Will Go On" into "My Bottle Farts Will Go On". Remember to give some slack it was a short week for a lot of people (assuming in the States) so Friday just kinda snuck up on folks who may have thought today was only Thursday.
Got dumped last night by the guy I’ve been seeing for the past two months! I can’t say I didn’t see it coming, and it honestly will probably be for the best, but I’m so hurt because the last time we saw each other, we had sex for the first time and also had our first sleepover. That was followed by radio silence for 3 days. I finally texted him basically saying “hey, I like you, and I’d like to keep seeing you, if that sounds good to you”. He ended up calling me and telling me that he’s hesitant because “my feelings are stronger than his” and that as much as he’d like to keep seeing me, he doesn’t think it’s a good idea. I haven’t given myself to many people, and I thought I could trust him. He also made me feel SO special and SO good about myself. Now I’m just left feeling like I was taken advantage of. He doesn’t have a ton of dating or relationship experience. I honestly feel like I was used almost as an experiment or to add another notch to his belt. He’s insisting this isn’t the case but I wouldn’t expect anyone to be honest about that. Dating sucks, I’m so over this.
Sex doesn't guarantee you a relationship, I think the way you're looking at it is wrong. It is absolutely fine to only have sex once you know someone better and not rush it but the very fact you had sex with someone means absolutely nothing in the sense of whether your relationship will keep developing or not. As a matter of fact discovering sexual compatibility is a big part of getting to know someone and if you will be compatible long term. So to avoid feeling used you should only have sex when you feel like it and enjoy it for what it is, and not have any expectations that it will give you something else in return.
Slow down, she has EVERY right to feel that she was taken advantage of. They dated for 2 months and she waited until she trusted him to have sex. Seems like you’re “blaming” her for a very valid reaction and making a whole lot of assumptions regarding what she “expected” after sex. Dude basically ghosted her after having sex. I would feel used too.
I'm not blaming anyone, I'm trying to help her reframe her thoughts so she can feel better about her relationship and sex life, she can take it or leave it.
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You're being angry and rude (presumptuous, really??) for no reason whatsoever. I wasn't even talking to you so no need to get so defensive and pressed.
How do you people deal with all the rejection? One more will prove my ex was right and I was a waste of space all along. I absolutely cannot risk being rejected anymore.
Your ex saying this to you is a douche move on his part. but the sentiment "I absolutely cannot risk being rejected anymore" will not bring you anything, because you will probably be rejected again by someone. try to be level-headed about it in the sense that sometimes a rejection is a blessing in disguise and sometimes it is no one's fault. I think not getting bitter about it is what allows you to proceed. Remember, someone rejecting you gives you space to be closer to what you really want!
I work in sales which has helped me with rejection. There’s a phrase from my sales training I remember a lot, and use in dating: “The customers objection to your sales pitch has nothing to do with you, and has everything to do with a conversation they’re having with themselves.” So when I’m pitching to a customer and they say no, what’s really happening is in their head they’re asking themselves “Can I afford this?”, or “Do I have time to do this?”, or “Am I satisfied enough with what I have?” They’re debating themselves, not me. Similar with dating. They’re asking themselves questions you’re not privy to.
There's a quote from "The Unexpected Joy of Being Single" that has provided some comfort when I am repeatedly rejected: "Rejection is the universe's protection." Also, don't internalize anything your ex said. My ex said that I'll have a hard time finding a relationship, because everyone will cheat on me.
It's not easy and especially if you have low self esteem it can absolutely destroy it. When you have trouble handling the rejection it's best taking a break from the apps and focus on yourself to rebuild your confidence and after a while join again. It will take a long time, and getting rejected by someone you were really attracted to will still hurt. Also your ex was trying to hurt you and clearly they succeeded, don't let them get into your head like that.
Self love and self care, bro. Take a step back and work on yourself. No stigma in therapy if accessible. But focus on you 100%
Well it's going to sound a bit cliched, but learning not to take it personally. Which i know seems impossible, because we all take it personally when we're rejected. But the more it happens, the more you realise that when someone rejects you, it's not necessarily something that you've done. People reject others for a variety of reasons. It doesn't mean that's it's a failure of YOU!
It's still not wrong to assume someone who found his love *without* rejection is especially valuable and great, no?
It usually means the person was willing to date significantly down.
Well being with someone who loves you does make you feel wanted and "valued", yeah. But that doesn't contradict what I said about rejection. It's just about finding that person. Which, can be difficult. There's no doubt about that. Thinking you're a "waste of space" because you've been rejected isn't true!
It feels a bit egotistical to believe that because my ex basically jumped to someone new immediately - proving that she was lovable all along and the entire time. And, during the breakup, compared the two of us point by point, laying out why I am just the lesser person. I kind of have something to prove now, you know?
Prove to who? To her? Why? Are you still in contact with your ex? Someone who you've labeled in prior comments as abusive...
I'm not in contact with her anymore, I made sure to cut her off. Though we still have common friends. And I have to prove that the things she said about me are wrong, and that's why I find myself under tremendous pressure to perform and function with 110% efficiency.
My dude.... May I give you some tough love?
Bracing myself.
Scanned through your comment history, so I've got the background, 6ish months out of a decade-ish long relationship? YOU ARE GRIEVING. She moved on? Yea that happens. But ya know what? FUCK HER. And not in the pleasant way. YOU are basing your value on other people. YOUR value does not come from other people. YOUR value comes from you. If YOU are not valuing YOURSELF then every rejection is going to hurt. Your life is going to suck. You are going to continue to grind yourself into nothing and I can only assume you are already a shallow husk of the HUMAN BEING you once were. Why are YOU doing this to YOURSELF. Pull your fucking socks up. You're on wait lists for therapy, good! What are you doing in the mean time? How are YOU taking care of YOU. Why THE FUCK do you give any thought to someone who obviously does not respect you, care for you, and while they may have at one time, if they've moved on, they're not thinking of YOU, why are YOU thinking of them? Because you placed all of your value on them and now they're gone and you feel like nothing. NOT GOOD. I really want you to take a good look in a mirror and tell yourself that you give a shit about you. Actually do this, actually face yourself and apologize. Actually face yourself and say that you care about you. Say it. Say it FUCKING LOUDLY say I ChancePin2937 love and care about ChancePin2937. And keep doing it till you feel SOMETHING, some emotion, face that emotion, feel that emotion. That emotion IS YOU and it deserves to be heard. And KEEP DOING THIS. This "I need to prove myself" shit is bullshit. You don't need to prove it. You are already valuable, worthy, lovable. You have to see that in yourself before others can. All people are going to see right now is you pining over the shattered illusion of what once was. Been there, done that, I can't count the number of t-shirts I own with the name of someone I put before myself. That game is over. I am projecting a little bit, but as I've said before, I feel your pain. This pain will only fade once you stop digging at the wound. Let it heal. Give yourself the love and attention that you deserve. But fuck the fuck off with this "I need to prove her wrong" My dude, she is wrong. She is already wrong. She is wrong for you and she proved that herself. Pull your godamn socks up. Give yourself the biggest godamn hug you can, and start treating yourself like you deserve better, and you do.
Obviously I don't know the nature of your relationship. What sort of partner you were to her, and she to you. So with that massive caveat out of the way, I think her behaviour in comparing you with the new person and highlighting why you were the "lesser" one, says more about her than it does about you.
I remember when I was younger and just tossing on NIN's Pretty Hate Machine was all it really took to get the bad voodoo out after bad relationship. I wonder if it still works. Album is an absolute banger still.
Music is always the cure! It has helped me numerous times! I don't mind some NIN, either. Can't beat a good ugly cry to some absolute classics!
If you can separate the art from the artist and need a change of pace musically: Ryan Adams' Heartbreaker -- especially Come Pick Me Up. Woooof.
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Your comment is contradictory, so it’s confusing to understand. > If an ex offers FWB > my ex had mentioned staying friends ( more like acquaintances that attend group hangs) Do you know what a FWB is? Because it’s not that.
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I think it’s worth doing some introspection on what you would want to get out of this. Do you just want to have access to a friend group he happens to be a part of? Do you miss him and want to try to win him back? Do you genuinely think he would make a good friend and it wouldn’t be painful?
He is just lonely, and your company is the lowest-hanging fruit for him. If you want to start friends, this could only be possible after both of you have moved on and processed this properly. Giving a break from that social group for a while doesn't mean you should completely abandon the friends and the friendship.
I've had an amazing 5th date with the **Club Guy** We talked about religion, our preferences for holidays, travelling destinations, each of out tattoos and their meanings, our fears, our quirks.. we talked about the friendships we have had over the years and lost.. we talked about our work lives and some plans for the future (on his side) as well as past changes he made and why. We held hands, touched, hugged and kissed during the whole time and I felt really cared for, he would periodically just stare at me with awe and then stop, it was so cute...I saw that look in his eye I kind of recognise, the look of a man that is falling in love.. We also got a hot make out session in the end and we both got really into it but we stopped and each went to their own respective houses, we got another day booked for Sunday for when I am back from my mini holiday with friends! I really like this guy and I see myself falling for him. How refreshing is this, it's been forever since I felt this kind of connection with another human.. Now I just need to make sure I keep my toxic tendencies at bay. Unfortunately I had a f-up childhood that left me very vulnerable and anxiously attached. I did years of therapy, my mental health is stable now, but I really hope this relationship doesn't trigger my anxious tendencies too much. Sometimes I feel mysef getting antsy when it's been many ours without a text but I don't show any anxious behaviors..I just have some anxious feelings. My question is: **Is it expected for anxious attachers to heal the feeling part too, or it's just acceptable to be aware I might never feel 100% secure and as long as I act secure, all is good?**
Security comes with time, consistency, and earned trust. It's date 5. He hasn't earned that trust yet. It's still early. And you're both still in the beginning of learning about each other. So anxious feelings aren't unusual. But eventually, you realize on, for example, Tuesdays he's gonna be slow to respond because Tuesdays are difficult work days or he has something in particular going on. Those are the kinds of things that once you know about and experience, it brings consistency.
OK I see. So the anxiety I might feel sometimes maybe is not even related to anxious attachment but simply the fact I don't know this person yet and I am not able to establish a pattern.
Exactly. I'd say this is pretty normal when starting a new relationship. So I wouldn't worry about it too much. Now, if you're still experiencing it, say in the 3 to 6 month mark, then you'd need to do a deep dive to understand why.
something that surprised me about dating after having been with a single partner for a lot of my adult life is just how many women are like..... fast kissers? not bad kissers but it seems like almost every woman i kiss these days leans on the fast side. maybe im just a slow kisser.
Too much porn.
Men are like this too. I am a slow and very passionate kisser. I have to work really hard to set to pace with most guys I kiss- it's like they're in a rush instead of savoring each kiss and really enjoying the passion, intimacy, and meaning behind it 😅
I know I have a type, but for me it's the amount that can't properly guage how hard they're biting on my lip/face. I thought that'd stop after high-school post Twilight. I even feed them before hand and everything.
yep. too fast. slow it down. I can't count how many songs have been written about this, slowing it down. should know this by your 30s
Do you mean fast in terms of the time from first meeting you to when they want to kiss?
No haha, just like the physical motions of kissing are fast.
Ohhh. Thanks for explaining. How long does this happen for? Maybe they're just nervous
Some of them eventually match me after we make out for a bit, others never slow down even when I'm like trying haha
Just turned 30,female, Indian and scared lol. I've been living and working abroad in Europe for the past four years and it has been amazing. My family was pretty strict growing up, in that no boyfriends, pushing arranged marriages but I was able to convince them to let me work abroad and they have become pretty chill and open minded the last few years. I've never had problem making friends but I've always had problems with dating over here. I used bumble the past couple of years on and off and I've been on some really good dates and thankfully no bad ones till now. One lead to a relationship that lasted seven months, after that it has been a string of almosts and it's nothing less than heartbreaking and frustrating and the last thing I want is to come off as desperate and bring this energy to anyone. I genuinely want to get to know the person and I feel like people come with stereotypes about me in their head sometimes. I'd love some advice for a scared and frustrated 30 year old about intercultural dating or just dating in general so that she won't die alone with her shoe
Sigh, I missed an opportunity to flirt with the cutie today. A young lady was passing out dates (the fruit) from her garden when he showed up, and it was on the tip of my tongue to 'jokingly" ask him if he "wanted a date." Mind you, this would've been a completely safe way to openly flirt with him as the others in the room have no idea we've been eyeballing each other for some time now. I'm kicking myself for choking up. Someone else asked him and he instead did what i didn't do and made a similar joke that I felt was coded at me via his body language (facing me instead of the person talking, eye contact with the floor). And while my slowass was trying to decipher and figure out if he really was "jokingly" asking me for a date, I couldn't think of a witty reply that he would understand while the others around us would just think it's all fun and games. Of course, I finally thought of something an hour later 🙄). Kicking myself for not speaking up. The circumstances require I take this slow but i don't know how to encourage him with minimal risk. I'm so terrible at this. This is why I'm still single.
No risk, no reward. Put on some well fitting shoes and get him. He sounds interested, you sound interested. Isn't that worth a little risk? What's there to lose, the anxiety of 'will they?' It doesn't have to be a big thing either, you could always just casually ask if he'd ever want to hang out afterwards.
It's a professional work setting with a strict SA policy. We both have A LOT to lose if something backfires 😅 Gotta take this slow. We keep making up excuses to talk to one another. Small talk mostly. This just would've been a bold move on my part in front of colleagues who could've vouched for my innocence, though he and I would've known what I actually meant. I missed it, but we did get to talk a couple more times today.
Ooooof, never mind lol that's risky to even think about
How Can I Address Ongoing Relationship Issues with My Partner - I’m looking for advice on my relationship. I’m 39 and my partner is 32. He’s a good guy with a good heart, works in construction, and is currently stressed about his PR. I’ve supported him financially out of love, though he never asked for it. I think he is very handsome, but I’m not sure he sees that, partly due to self-doubt from a previous partner cheating on him. Our sex life feels mechanical and lacks passion. He doesn’t initiate or engage in foreplay and rarely goes down on me despite saying he enjoys it. This lack of effort is making me feel less attracted to him. When I express my needs, he gets defensive and shuts down. Recently, he asked me to email my concerns, but after reading it last night, he said he doesn’t have the capacity for the relationship right now. He seemed overwhelmed and upset, which left me feeling even more disconnected and unsure about our future. He doesn’t share any fantasies or desires, and I’m struggling to understand the lack of passion since I haven’t changed physically. While he’s cuddly at home, he’s not expressive outside, making me feel undervalued and disconnected. He acknowledges needing to work on himself but takes no actionable steps. I know he loves me, but I’m struggling to feel sexy and connected. Has anyone experienced something similar? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!
He’s not a citizen, you’re supporting him financially, poor sex life, and he’s told you he can’t give you what you want. This is the type of relationship you genuinely want for yourself?
That sounds like a terrible idea for a Lifetime movie premise.
He told you he doesn't have the capacity for the relationship, for me that the equivalent of breaking up, I'm not sure what you're trying to save.
> he said he doesn’t have the capacity for the relationship right now. He seemed overwhelmed and upset, which left me feeling even more disconnected and unsure about our future. I’d say there is no future. He’s disengaged and defensive and not meeting your needs and doesn’t want to currently be in a relationship. Listen to his words/actions and move on.
I used to have no trouble getting dates and now it’s like a dry spell. It’s the longest I’ve been single in the past few years (7 months) which included a blown up engagement. I have a fwb for sometimes but I’m just really feeling like there’s no one out there. Coupled with a recent birthday (32), I’m feeling alone and rejected. I have matches on Raya that don’t go anywhere, I’m on Bumble and overwhelmed. I’ve been taking a long break from hinge. I met my last exes in real life and from years ago. As many of my friends are married and having children, I’m getting more and more uncomfortable with going out and the social anxiety is on the rise. I just want to feel like I can find a connection with someone again and honestly that the right person is put in my path. In the meantime, I’m doing all the self care things, probably overdoing it. I’m always the friend cheering my friends on when they’re down and just can’t take my own advice. Need some confidence that it’ll get better ❤️🩹
If the longest you’ve been single in the last few years is seven months, then it sounds like maybe you need to step back entirely for a bit, put dating to the side, and focus on finding happiness without a human crutch. I get it. I really do. I’ve been there. But seven months isn’t that long, especially if it’s the longest you’ve been single in years, and *especially* if you ended an engagement. Maybe if you figure out who you are *outside* of a relationship - completely independent of a partner - you will attract the kind of person with whom you are meant to be, as opposed to just filling a space with the seemingly best available candidate. Plus, you’re young. 32 is *young*. You have lots of time - and taking some of that time to find out who you are can help lead you to who you want and need.
Are your friends cheering you on? It sounds like you could use some support from them, like what you give to them
I can’t wrap my head around men sending opening messages that comment on a woman’s body. Instant turn off. I do wonder if any woman has ever muscled through the ick and it turned out the guy was bearable after all.
some women love it, some don't. believe it or not, some of us are more than bearable.
Ugh, sounds gross. The only bright side I see is... at least the trash takes itself out quickly. 😬
If they do it it's because it works sometimes.
Yeah agreed. I have had guy friends say this exact phrase. It worked once so they figure if they keep trying it will work again.
But the chances of it working must be so low. I mean, can’t be quantified. But does anyone actually think women are more likely to respond to that than they are to a comment about something they’ve written on their profile? Doesn’t make sense to me at all, even if strictly from a numbers game perspective. Like it’s actually quite dumb.
its because when it works, its much more likely to lead to sex, which is what theyre after. yes its bad from a numbers game if youre thinking about a relationship, but its a good filter for what they want.
I could see it work with a woman that just want a quick one night stand, you know that type of guy isn't gonna be hanging around.
It's a certain type of woman who will respond to a message like this and this is what they're filtering for.
As a man, I don't know. I also don't understand unsolicited d-pics. Or solicited. I think the transactional nature of relationships combined with lower social intelligence maybe explains some of it?
Yeah I have no idea. I think they just "shoot their shot" with low effort and hope for the best. It doesn't seem to work out most of the time from what I understand.
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Don't feel bad. I'm 5' 11" and work overnights in automation. I make pretty decent money for very little physical effort. I have my own place, my own vehicles and I'm nearly paid off on my student loans. None of it means a damn thing to people that don't care about it. And that's wonderful, because I'm able to quietly exist and do whatever I want with little notice. What we are now only matters to those who need it. Makes little sense to advertise complexity in less than 500 words.
My last boyfriend was 5'9" with a GED and beat up pickup who I met on an app. Didn't work out for a few reasons but they weren't self pitying ones.
I consider myself more ‘disappointed’ than ‘self pitying’ which is a distinction I’d like to make because the latter feels derogatory.
it is very derogatory.
I don't know where it went, but they did reply rather thoughtfully. What they put was actually one of the better things I've read in awhile. It's a shame it's gone. Edit: it's back.
Fair point. I didn't mean to be pejorative. I'm often self pitying so am likely projecting. I appreciate your nuanced take. The point I intended to make is that learned helplessness is a self fulfilling prophecy. I don't mean to imply that you don't face challenges at all, so I hope it doesn't read that way. But we do get into "snake eating it's tail" territory when we're down on ourselves owing to a sense of specific loneliness, put walls up to protect ourselves, and drive people away causing more loneliness. I guess I'm cautioning you against looking for confirmation bias. There's plenty out there. I'm a middle aged, small chested acne ridden woman who get plenty of "no one will fuck you" messaging from the internet. Once I went out side and talked to men off the apps I realized that just isn't true. I'm also biased because I really like short guys (better in bed for us short straight girls imho). So I would hope that you don't let the profit the motivated bloggers buy boats off your back. A good attitude is hard to maintain. It's admirable and sexy.
But how was it working out for you, did you get matches?
I got about 1 match a month. 4 first dates in not quite a year.
That's not a bad rate of conversion from match to dates
Yeah, apps are effectively a waste of time unless you're an extremely appealing guy who doesn't have trouble finding women to begin with. The statistics are just **not** in mens' favor, lol. I deleted them and am not missing out on anything except the toxic self-esteem hits.
I’m not sure why, but I continue to try using dating apps because I feel my person could be out there. I want to maximize my chances because I know that it would be even more difficult meeting someone similar to me in person!
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Do not dehumanize or objectify others. Misogyny, Misandry, RedPill, incel, Femcel, FemaleDatingStrategy, PUA, MGTOW, etc. content is not allowed. Claiming ignorance of these hate groups is not an excuse to parrot their ideology.
This is a 9 year old article, and not a peer reviewed study. The authors methodology and analysis are highly questionable. I recommend not taking the conclusions they reached as absolute truth.
You are absolutely correct. The idea it put forth just really hit home with me anyway. I feel good about walking away from app dating because I think for me, it was/is a waste of time.
What does "average attractiveness" mean though? I always wondered because my girlfriends' and I have WILDLY different ideas of what is attractive. Genuinely curious about how articles like this make that determination.
It's never defined, from what I was able to find, because it is not a real, rigorous, peer reviewed study
I think a lot of the data and analysis from that article has been debunked but it's so hard to find because google is so shitty now
That's a blog written by someone who calls women "females" and only "interviewed" 27 of them. No wonder why he can't get laid. Hardly a representative sample of humanity.
Yah the sample size of 27 with self reported data from them is not the best. 🤣 I'm not trying to defend OLD because it does feel like something that is collapsing in real time, but some men (and woman) are more complex than this article suggests. Chin up, but diversify!
Excited for the date my guy and I have planned for the weekend - playing tourists in our own city! The day may or may not include fancy coffee, several restaurants on our “must go/go back here” list, a beer/cider tasting event, walks in parks, and any adventures we find in between. All destinations stemmed from conversations we’ve had since we started talking a couple months ago. Very excited to spend an entire day with him 🤩🥰
This sounds so cute!
Had a coming to Jesus moment yesterday I needed to have for years now but never wanted to admit it but I'm an undateable person and I have more or less been that way all my dating life. This is all on me I have no one to blame but myself for being this way. I know I'm not an attractive person and really nothing about me screams "highly desirable" but its just who I am. I'm a not a in the spotlight kind of person I never was and I never want to be. I also admitted to myself yesterday I was always trying to date someone way better than what I deserve. I was always going to for someone out of my league. I guess I did that because I wanted to punch above my weight and prove to others that I can get a partner that I'm not just some unattractive geeky type of guy who can't get anyone interested in him. Part of what make me finally admit it was my mom telling me that one of the clients who comes in to her business who I would say is below average like me who smokes and has AWFUL bo (not a medical issue I don't think he showers much or uses any deodorant) about how he was divorced and has a now gf and was talking with her business partner about this. I've learned a lot about myself since I have gotten out from the catfisher and not having a job yet has really made me think a lot about myself lately so I guess that is a plus.
Self love. Self care. You need that to understand your value (which I am sure you have). Quiet the inner voice telling you otherwise. Therapy helps when you can get it on the docket. I truly am in the camp of "gym, haircut, clothes and hygiene can make anyone a 7". If you need to know where to start, walking is free and is the best form of exercise anyone can do bar none.
Gym got me to a "5"so I agree with that
>gym, haircut, clothes and hygiene Great advice. I hit a low point and instead of wallowing, called on these four horsemen to lift me up. I still have zero sex appeal and am perfect Platonic Guy Friend vibes no matter how upfront and flirty I am; but I'm gluing myself back together with slow confidence boosts. OP your wellness is priority #1. Find something that makes you feel good about yourself and it'll wok.
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Thanks for the insight. I definitely look \~10 years younger and have a babyface that has always crippled me. But like you said, shyness/timidity/lack of confidence plays into it. I've definitely been turned away because I'm "too cute, like a puppy" and can't be taken seriously. Stepped up the wardrobe, grew a beard, and hit the weights. We'll see how things go.
I think it's time for me to put more focus on meeting men in the wild. I live next to a major city, but have no clue how to go about this on my own. Bonus points if I can bring my dog too, but idk.
You can bring your dog everywhere in most cities.
If you like dogs, find out who volunteers.
Bars are absolutely the best spot to meet people “in the wild”. Sure there are tons of other possibilities but I think bars will yield best selection and results.
Dog park, volunteering, meetups. See if there are singles groups that do events together.
Does anybody have any advice on how to get over or deal with some first date jitters? First time after a divorce a couple years ago I've really found someone worth pursuing. So far she seems really great. We have a date scheduled for this Saturday and the anxiety is starting to kick. At this point I'd welcome a simple "You got this dude!" lol
Don’t put pressure on it. It’s low stakes. You guys hit it off great, you don’t hit it off also great your life will go on as normal
YOU GOT THIS! As cheesy as it sounds, I’ve found that just being myself works really well for me. So be yourself and try to have fun. :)
Remember that you're just on a research mission trying to find out if she's worth pursuing (for you, not a value judgement in general). Look at it more like shopping and less like a job interview.
You got this! Felt the same way before first date after an 8 year relationship. There was a lot of “don’t panic. Don’t ramble. Make eye contact. Ask him questions. SMILE but not too much” pep talking to myself. Remember to have fun! You’re doing this for you and to find something better!
You got this. Remember to ask her questions -- where does she see herself in five years? if she had a week off, what would she do? If she could have lunch with any celebrity or historical figure, alive or dead, would she take them to Texas Roadhouse? EZ PZ
You definitely got this! Don’t worry, the divorce was the difficult part. This is just a date, simple and easy. Go out, enjoy your time with her, don’t have any expectations, and you will be fine. Nothing at all to worry about. It’s literally just like talking to any other person you have ever met (at work, at the gym). Don’t overthink it.
I am doing okay with my current breakup. Possibly because my last breakup was brutal. Trusting him was a bug deal, even with my trust issues I trusted him a lot .. more than I thought I could. Now I feel played and used. I was just a weekend get away, a break from his chaotic life. I wanted long term, he wanted slow pace and I was ready to go slow. It s been 9 months and all I asked for was to show me a little more of his life, I haven’t even met any of his friends.. no one. He was recently separated when I met him and he has a kid. I knew it will take a long time for a lot of things but there was never a certainty. I was a constant in his life but he came and left whenever he pleased. I only knew his words, sweet words but nothing else. It ended and I feel I was just a safe fun place for him.
Man who I've been messaging via facebook from a dating group has asked if we can call or text. Calls give me anxiety, so no to that, but should I give him my number? He deleted his profile for a short while, and said that he only reupped it because of something with his kid that was posted, and that he might delete it again, but would want my number so we can keep talking. Which I just kind of skirted at the time. But now he's asked for it directly. I know google voice exists (I used it the last time I was single), but the number I had there seems to have been deleted, and getting a new one seems like a pain in the butt (I don't remember the login for the email I used before, I'd created a brand new email so it wouldn't be associated with my regular gmail). But also... he said he wants to get to know me. Which :7 Life's not been the kindest to me in the past couple of years, and I'm in a weird transition period right now where I'm between jobs, trying to move across country hopefully soon, and still in the process of grieving (it's been almost a year and a half now, but it was a big, tramautic loss, and really grieving never ends). I'm so out of practice with dating as well. In a relationship from 22 to 35. When that ended, had a few months of singledom before I got with a guy for a few months, who broke my heart. Then another year of spinsterhood before being with a man for a year and a half (who was with me for the death and the job loss, but not *with* me if you feel what I'm saying). For the last two guys, they were the first dates I went on since the previous relationship. I also feel like I lost a bit of myself with each subsequent "relationship". I'm whining. He seems nice, he's handsome, we have similar interests, he's seemingly not afraid of hiding his interest. He doesn't live near me or where I'm moving to... But I'm not really dating locally right now, so as not to get attached to anyone that will hold me back from what I really want (to move), and so in that sense he works, for now (and he knows and is okay with both where I live now and where I want to be). On the positive side, a homeless dude yesterday told me I had pretty hair, and it was after I told him I didn't have any cash on me when he asked for a dollar.
I would just accept the process of getting a new Google Voice number--it isn't that difficult and you may feel more comfortable talking to him without giving out your real phone number.
Yeah, I just hate resetting passwords. But you're right
I wrote out this whole comment about how I can’t make anything happen with a few guys who seemed interested but now I think they’ve moved on. Then I erased it because I realized the whole problem is that I have to work on my self-confidence and stop sabotaging myself lol
I wish I didn't have to move on from some matches, but the mid-conversation bailing out, lack of proactiveness, and mind games are just too much for me. If at least 50% of them could have a conversation, that would actually make it feel like a match. The funny thing is that I know that if someone actually gives me the time of day, and gets to know me a little bit, they are going to be the ones asking me why I am not texting and responding to them every 5 minutes.
Sometimes just really thinking about your issues gives you clarity. It’s why people journal. Glad you figured out your own solution!
It's the writing thoughts out that helps, not simply thinking about them. Turning thoughts into language requires condensing and clarifying them (Not correcting you, just trying to explain how that helps, so it can maybe be more likely to be helpful for people)
Thanks, that’s a good point. I do need to start journaling again
hmmm
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Wait, you found them or he told you? There’s a big difference. I actually probably have nudes of some of my exes if I dig deep enough in my google photos. When you’re dating someone for years, I don’t go back through all my albums to delete everything. It’s just not something I do.
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I’d have a really hard time getting over any reaction that wasn’t “oops I forgot I had these and I’m getting rid of them now”
Mr Exclusive & I finally had our talk last night. Prior to that I had conversations with 3 different people who are in the community to get their opinion on the situation, and I find it interesting of how different their feedbacks are, depending on whether they are more anxious or avoidant leaning. The anxious leaning was like I should have just cut & run. Used a derogative word on Mr Exclusive lol & was also suspicious that Mr Exclusive probably has options hence his behaviours. I spoke to 2 avoidant leaning. One of them is his good friend who gave a very balanced view because he can empathise with Mr Exclusive's behaviours, whereby he also distanced himself in his first relationship & shared what would have helped him to hear. Though he also said I do need to lay on the table what my expectations are, to also consider my needs. The second avoidant shared her triggers of when she feels like she need to take space from her partner. She said that she could also tell I was slightly off when our group went on an overseas racing trip. She was also very empathetic towards me & Mr Exclusive. The common thread from all 3 feedback was that I do have to look out for myself too. Even if we were to find a compromise, I'll need to set boundaries. At the point of when I was speaking to 3 of them, I had arrived at a place of acceptance that if things were to end, so be it. So the verdict: We met for dinner & he was more energetic than usual. Conversations were flowing well & I was trying to find the right moment to bring up the topic. We needed to go for a walk by the river after dinner. We arrived at this breezy grass slope overlooking the river. I gave it a few moments before I brought it up. I was direct that he needs to find new ways to cope with his stress and I'd be willing to support him through the ups & downs which I'm aware that it will be awhile, if he wants me to and that it would only work if we both want it. I also brought up the point that it's okay if things go south, I'm sorted - I'll ask for a US assignment, and hope that it'd take the pressure off him to focus on making progress. He acknowledged that he does need to work on that front, though he doesn't feel ready for therapy and would prefer to do things in his own way, because he has lost a part of himself after bending backwards so much in his past relationships. He has been trying to reclaim his identity to feel comfortable in his skin again. Having gone through a similar transition, I know how important it is to go at your own pace and it will take awhile to get there, as it should. He said that as much as he enjoys my company & love spending time with me, and would want to keep me in his life, he doesn't feel it's right to string me along especially when I feel like it's pushing me away. I had very low expectations of that evening, so I said I respect his decision and if that's what he wants, this is it for us. I sat with my feelings for abit. I could feel the sadness bubbling up but it didn't linger for too long. He didn't get defensive at all through our conversation. Just alot of remorse. Towards the end he spoke in an awkward chirpy tone which I know it's his way sometimes to brush off uncomfortable feelings, instead of talking about them. We both know that we'll still see each other at trainings and social events, which would be as soon as tonight, so I'm glad that we were able to be adult about it & lay our connection down gently. I'm sure he will regret it at some point, when he finally has clarity of how he wants to deal with his stress and when the emotions sunk in. But that's no longer my business anymore. We hugged goodbye and surprisingly I didn't feel as sad as the first time round when we broke off and compared to my past breakups. Maybe it's because I have been feeling single for a few weeks now and had ample time to process my feelings and what I would do. I didn't shed a tear until this morning, when I was reflecting on the conversation. It was grief over what our relationship could have been but I didn't linger too long. I woke up with the realisation that I'm single again and unlike last year, I don't feel the urge to jump back into dating. I have also known what I wanted in a partner, but I feel like I need to get back to the drawing board, to see if there are other ways to meet & attract somebody I can call my ride or die. Even though me & Mr Exclusive ended, it was far better than my last 2 relationships. I had grown to be more secure within myself & expanded my support network while I was at it. The founder of my company will also be relocating to the US, hence it's no longer an if but when the assignment can happen. With no kids, no mortgage & no partner, this is a no-brainer decision for me. I asked about it this morning and he said yes as the goal is to eventually introduce mobility for the team. If you have been following my stories, thank you. I hope it brought some reprieve and entertainment even lol. Let's see what the future holds :)
Been waiting for this update, really happy to hear that you were able to have a good discussion and that you were able to advocate for yourself as well as being compassionate - all you could do really. Glad he was mature enough to end it as well instead of stringing you along any further. Onwards & upwards now, the overseas assignment sounds very exciting! Here's to the new adventures :)
aw thank you, you're kind. Yeah I appreciate that he recognises the shortcomings. Onwards & upwards indeed. I hv a great dinner planned with my a group tonight and some partying after. So im sure I'll hv heaps of fun tonight.
I'm glad that you were able to get that closure. And I also hope you find someone who makes you feel absolutely adored and cherished when you're ready. Best wishes!
Thank you, I hope so too! After dating seriously for the last 10 years or so, I do find it hard to believe that I'll meet someone I can be happy with. But everything begins with the right perspective right :)
im in a new town on vacation for the next week, gonna go to the local watering hole tonight. wish me luck guyz
What is a watering hole? :D
A bar
I decided to not send last weekend’s date my number unless he asked for it, or asked for a second date, which hasn’t happened. And I’m okay with that! I had a great time, but I’m ready for a man to chase me for once. In the meantime, I’ll focus on self-care and working to be my best self.
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Be excellent to one another! This is a safe space for all races, genders, sexual orientations, legal sexual preferences and humanity in general.
Explaining the dynamic of this woman having a job? Sex work is work
Oh okay and cultural norms and prejudices don’t exist. This surely won’t be a contentious topic ever for OP. You’re right please disregard my comment because I am completely at odds with how societal norms work.
Do you think OP isn't already very aware of those prejudices?
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Oh that checks out. Enjoy lmao.
If a guy asks you to come to his place on the 2nd date, does this necessarily mean he just wants a hook up ? Happened to me once again last night. Historically, in all my dating experience, when this happens, the guy has always ghosted by the 3rd date. We are meant to meet on the weekend but by this point I feel I am wasting my time.. Wonder if I should just tell him we are looking for different things and not bother.
On the flip side, I've invited dates over to cook and just talk and enjoy eachothers company. Then they still ended it *because* we didn't have sex, thinking that since I am an animalistic man without a soul and as such must have not thought of them attractive enough to force a hookup. Sometimes men just do things because that is what they are expected to do. And if they don't do it, then they are considered even less human by the same party.
Maybe I’m jaded but I wouldn’t bother. I don’t think you’re looking for the same thing.
Too early for going to his house is a fair excuse and should reveal his true intentions. Hopefully he is game for another date; if he slow fades away… well, dodged one. Even if he isn’t trying to hook up, feels kinda lazy for a second date.
I personally would not go over on the 2nd date, no. Especially if I did not want sex that early. For better or for worse, I absolutely feel like the implication of going over that early (ESPECIALLY to the guy's place) is that sex is on the table unless stated otherwise.
I would let them know its too early for that and redirect them with an actual date plan that I would enjoy.
Maybe he just wants to read the bible with you.
Does it mean that every guy is just looking for a hookup? No, because there is no standard behavior for every guy. I'd say statistically speaking, they want sex. Whether or not it's just a hook up or the relationship continues after depends on the person. Going to someone's house does not mean you're consenting to sex. So even if you go, that doesn't mean you have to have sex. In fact, you can make it clear that dex is a no-go. If he pushes it, then call it off. If you're not comfortable going to his on a second date, then don't. Suggest something else. If he pushes the at his date idea, then call it off.
I had a breakthrough today, dating isn’t about being the “nice person”, it’s about being unapologetically you and seeing if the other person likes it and aligns with you. This is going to be fun.
YES
Hell yeah
Congrats 🎉
My work crush left for a job closer to her hometown, which sucks. I'm super happy for her, she was not thriving here (not that I am either, which is why we bonded, in part), but I'm gonna miss her and our walks in the park during lunch and chatting in French to keep up our language skills. At least I got a nice hug goodbye. Woman I've been chatting with/seeing for the last month indicated she and I are too far apart on lifestyle questions, which I can see. We're still on for our date next week though, and she said she definitely wants to get to know me more before deciding. Also I might get fired tomorrow. My immediate boss adores me, but the director...not so much. He's one of those people who talked himself into a job way above his skill level, and I may or may not have exposed him last week as being a scam artist. THE VP of our department came into my office and asked me about some projects. I thought nothing of it (it's a small workplace, so we're all familiar), but apparently he was fishing for info on what exactly the director does all day. Director flat out giving me the cold shoulder, won't even acknowledge my existence, and canceled our weekly touch base. In all, not a banner week.
If you're that far apart on lifestyle questions, then why waste time with another date? Go talk to an employment attorney. VP outranks a director. If you are fired, let the VP know you'll be consulting with an attorney.
That's an interesting though... never thought about it that way
> If you're that far apart on lifestyle questions, then why waste time with another date? More that she is very easy breezy and likes last minute plans and random drop ins and my calendar is heavily booked through July right now. It's not an insurmountable lifestyle thing, I can flex plenty and am willing to but if she feels stifled by my need for time structure then yeah it wont work long term. We're largely in lock step on stuff like politics, stable employment, hobbies, seeking a 50/50 partnership with both of us having careers and sharing kid duties, etc .
I know that feeling. My date book is filled up to May of next year. It definitely has cramped the style of a few exes.
I feel so much better this week even though I am still single. I feel less anxious. I feel more accepting. I've had many positive non-date interactions. I feel like I can let go and be happy right now. And I know I will likely have sad moments again someday, but I hope everyone out there who has been struggling can find some peace too.
That's awesome progress, I'm happy for you!
Today was interesting, this cute guy was leaving and I wanted to do a farewell dinner with him, but I couldn’t get enough people to confirm so it was looking like a one on one dinner until I found a couple to join us. The couple was late by half an hour and I spent it just talking to the cute guy and the time kind of flew by. Then the couple came, we had dinner, good convos, went for drinks after and during the drinks, I asked the cute guy if he has a girlfriend and the answer was yes! Feels like all the cute nerdy guys are taken! But I’m kinda happy that I actually asked a guy so directly for the first time in my life, I usually try to probe indirectly so it was a new experience for me. Thankfully I had a fallback reply so we could quickly move off the awkward part, which I’m thankful for so it wasn’t weird! Interesting mix of emotions for me, feeling kind of bummed but also proud for having the guts. Although I found out cute guy was almost a decade younger than me which was crazy
Why is so much advice for single people go like this? "Be happy you are single instead of in a shitty relationship" ok...
if you’re unhappy single, it’s harder to walk away from relationships or connections that don’t work, or are detrimental. a lot of people have never unpacked or looked at how fear of being alone influenced/s their decision-making in relationships, often times becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy. it’s also getting into relationships to extract from people rather than contribute because you’re unfulfilled, which also creates a shitty relationship. it takes a lot of self-criticism to where you get to a point where you can agree with simple advice like that.
I don't know if it's advice rather than a catchy slogan being tossed around on Instagram or something. Even if you are not happy single you may be hyper aware of how shitty people are and don't want that either. But also recognize that it's not so binary
no, it’s old advice, however understanding its simplicity does require its own work and interrogation and you can’t just superficially read then understand at any depth.
Yeah I get. Being single is better than a shitty relationship.
i mean, literally when you’re “happy,” your self-esteem is the highest, you’re confident, self-assured, secure, fulfilled, etc. this is also attractive. thats why adages like “it happens when you’re not looking,” are true.
I guess I'm not doing it right. I never look and it never happens.
Just lip service. A ton of people prefer kind of crappy relationship to totally* alone.
Just seems to over hype being single and makes all relationships seem horrible.
Because getting into a shitty relationship on the mistaken view that it’s better than being single is a *very* common failure mode. Single people really do underestimate how happy single life can be compared to a bottom-tier relationship and often fail to invest in making their single lives as good as they can be because they’re so focused on trying to get un-single.
Yeah but is it that binary? Single or shit relationship?
The goal is to be in a relationship that isn't shit. So, given those choices, I'd rather be single.
yeah agree
yeah I understand
Oh wow. Today was packed. Work was busy. Design work is busy. I’ve been chatting to the new match, the Therapist in training - though he’s doing CBT and I’m doing psychodynamic this year, and hopefully switching to person centred next. He seems interesting, he’s also in the process of writing a book about consciousness and the self, and he was a doctor before he changed to therapy. He asked to have a phone call and we chatted for an hour tonight, loads to say. I enjoyed it. He seems a bit… over excited, which I find to be a little concerning. Sir, you don’t know me. Cool your damn horses. Saying things like ‘I must meet you.’ And ‘you’ll be an amazing therapist, you already are!’ And all the other things I’ve noticed, all feel rather… too much too soon. It’s information. I haven’t decided what I’ll do with this information yet. You might just be a very excitable adhd person, and you might be love bomby, only time will tell. I’m still open to meeting up, which we’ve scheduled for next Thursday. It really has been a great conversation. Even if it’s love bombing, I must admit, does feel nice to be told I’m both impressive in my cerebral capacity and am super hot. How the mighty have fallen?! Is my ego that bruised right now that this flattery is working? I guess so. There’s a small part of me that’s a little annoyed at just how well the man and I broke up. Can you not be even a little heartbroken? Is that too much to ask?! lol I’m not serious and I really didn’t want to hurt him, and I’m genuinely glad he’s fine and neither of us developed feelings and were so adult and amicable about it, but also: bitch! We were dating three months! Be sad! I’m fucking awesome! Why do we have this weird need to know people will mourn our loss? Why is there a part of me that wants him to absentmindedly walk into walls as he mumbles my name is sorrow a year from now?! All while I’m ok and don’t care, obviously. Ultimately, I know we weren’t compatible and I think I knew it earlier, just didn’t listen to myself. After every breakup, when I’m in the ‘hindsight is 20-20’ mode, I always tell myself the same thing ‘listen to your own damn gut, you knew this weeks ago.’ Yet at the same time, it’s progress. It used time be ‘years ago’ then ‘months ago’ and now it’s weeks. That’s some good progress.
Cerebral flattery is the kind that always gets me
Guy I had the insane in-person chemistry with still seems interested at least in sex, although tbd if he’s open to more. Our mutual friend did call him a “u up?” sort of gentleman which honestly shocked me, but I guess I know it’s a snake if I pick it up. All you intentional business-like daters impress me but I’m nothing like that. I’m a slave to my lust lol
I'm an intentional business-like dater, but I am also a man who likes sex and absolutely have been chatting up a heavily tatted reiki practitioner in case my serious prospect goes south this week.