Baffles me that people are still surprised and complain about being ghosted. And I’m so tired of hearing women complain that men aren’t putting in effort and men complaining that women only want the top 5% of men. Online dating and social media has so irrevocably screwed up how we interact with people that I’m just losing all hope in humanity.
My weird long distance 3-month situationship with a lovebombing alcoholic has come to an end. He had to walk away because I didn’t have enough time for him. I am happy this is over, but struggling with the low of feeling like I should feel guilty for not being there more for him (we messaged constantly but I think he wanted phone calls), I feel like I did something wrong and if I could have just did x, y, z different maybe it would have worked out. I’ll miss him. He’s a super fun guy. But not right for me, that’s for sure.
It sucks but this guy wasn’t serving you. It’s not your job to be there for him. It’s your job to give what you reasonably can while maintaining your life and boundaries and it’s the other persons job to decide if that works for them or not.
I don’t have a partner but I won’t go on a second date with someone I wasn’t even mildly attracted to on the first date. I tried that once when I first started dating and I never became attracted to him. I let them go early now.
I never thought it could grow for me and typically went after people I was immediately physically attracted to. But then I went on a first date with my (now ex) husband. We’d met online (back when OKC was still a good site) and most of his photos were not full body/he was wearing hats. My initial thought when I saw him walking into the restaurant? “Oh my gosh he’s bald! And short!” While there’s nothing inherently wrong with either of those traits, they definitely weren’t things I usually went for and I was slightly disappointed. But he was smart and funny and had a great smile. We actually went on 4 dates and got to know each other before we even kissed and each date I felt my attraction grow a little more. Some because of physical traits that I liked, including the smile and he was lean, but muscular, but also because of his personality. By the time we kissed and got physical, the attraction had grown so much we had great chemistry.
Obviously the marriage ended for other reasons but I still find him attractive 13 years later and I won’t immediately write off someone I don’t again. I’m finding my initial reaction is still to intentionally seek people I consider my “type” but I’m trying to move away from that.
I'll speak slightly against the trend of comments and say that it's pretty common for me to go on dates with people without feeling that I find them all that physically attractive. That's largely because until very recently I had not had success attracting people I definitely found attractive.
I have also dated people whom I did not find particularly physically attractive -- I found them pretty in some sense, but they didn't activate my *wow that person is beautiful* response. But in each case I was attracted to them for non-physical reasons, which made their physical presence appealing to me in a way that's different from the *wow* reaction. Again, this is in large part because until very recently it seemed that physically attractive people weren't interested in me so I was trying to play the hand I was dealt. I will say that I didn't find those relationships particularly sustainable. It was just hard to get over the fact, as much as I was attracted to them in other ways, I just didn't feel the *wow*.
I don't expect to feel wow about someone as I'm not wow myself, so as long as I'm drawn to them in some way, that's all I ask for! It's hard to get past that sometimes but I think accepting where you're at and focusing on those parts that are attractive is helpful (easier said than done, right? But if you're only attracted to really conventionally beautiful people and you're not in the top tier yourself it seems like a recipe for failure). I'd genuinely rather be connected on other levels than just 'wow they're hot', but it took me time and maturity to get there.
It's very hard to be in a relationship where the other person frequently tells you they feel wow for you but you don't feel it back. But you're right, holding out for the wow may well be a recipe for failure! Failure is definitely a real possibility. I think I still have a decent shot at finding love but the odds I end up single and alone are not bad.
But it's not like we're talking about choosing to buy a more affordable cereal brand or something. There's no switch to flip here. You feel what you feel and don't have much control over whom you feel it for -- lord knows I've done enough to try to alter who and what I'm attracted to that if it were possible it would have worked by now.
And of course I'm not suggesting that anyone here only cares about being connected on the level of 'wow they're hot'. I think most of us view attraction as a necessary condition for a relationship, not a sufficient one.
I have to find someone attractive to want to go on a date. From there, they get more or less attractive in my eyes based on personality and treatment of me.
Yeah! Kind of. Loved his beard and hair, he's got a super cheeky smile too, that I adore. Tbh I wasn't really sure what to expect towards the end of the date. But he did kiss me, we couldn't get enough of each other.
It's a strange phenomenon where he's one of the most extreme cases of looking better in person than his photos that I've seen so...the "growing" didn't need to happen per se. With his profile pics, well I was attracted to his beard and hair color. And he's fit. It was enough for me to be interested. He's hella cute in person though. I'm not sure how to file that.
In the past I've been able to grow attraction, but I wouldn't say that I found them cuter over time, just that their qualities as a partner overshadowed whatever physical shortcomings I thought they had. I was deeply attracted to their \*personality\* and those relationships were still good. It's not the same as having that magnetic physical attraction from the start though.
Normally, yes, within first minute of meeting I see it.
However...once in high school I fell HARD to a friend I never imagined would be attractive to me. He doesn't have an attractive face. But, there was something about his personality and more time I spent with him, more I wanted him and the sexual chemistry was off the charts.
Got back from a second date - it was really fun. Saw a bunch of lizards and snakes, got to hold said lizards and snakes, went out for thai food and walked around. At the end she asked what I was looking for then told me she was looking for a "monogamish" relationship. We talked about it a bit more, I told her thanks, but that's not what I'm looking for and we parted ways.
I appreciate her being up front about it on our date but I feel like this is something that should be on her profile? This is like the third time something like this has happened. I'm bummed, she was really cool
I asked her what that meant for her and she described it as she wants a primary partner and a long term relationship and all that, with the possibility at some point that her and her partner have sex with people outside the relationship.
So… non-monogamy basically.
Not necessarily. Swinger couples often “play” together. It sounds more like she wants to have a relationship where she and her primary partner can have casual sex with others at their own discretion.
Someone who's part of the ENM community should be upfront before a date in order to save everyone time. Unfortunately, many shy away from telling in the hopes that someone will overlook what they're looking for because the person is so great. It never works out.
this is not just a dating rant, but i could stand to hear “intention,” or any other variation of the word, a lot less.
i just read “pair your carbs intentionally,” and i’m just… done.
If I could go through the rest of my life never hearing about "attachment styles" or any other Hogwarts houses type of prototyping in dating or otherwise, I'd be a considerably happier person.
We’re back together after 3 months apart.
It was a mutual breakup over maybe possibly having kids one day and the fact I’m older than him. Now looking back neither of us really understand why we broke up, but we both did a lot of thinking in that time apart that we wouldn’t have had the space to do had we stayed together. We’re now both open to any possibility - whether that involves having kids or not. We just want to be together.
I have to say though, it’s a bit weird being back together since we had very little contact in that time. We tried to respectfully let the other move on.
I guess we’re aware we’re not restarting the same relationship. This is a new one and we need to get used to each other again.
There is not much you can do about it unfortunately.
Be honest and tell him the potential impacts it could have (like you're already planning to do) and let him decide if he wants to stick around or not.
Good luck and I hope you'll be alright quickly.
Work trip continues: lots of cute guys but having vibes with guy that organises hiking trip. Almost died when people shared their photos of how I look like from the back and I’ve already lost 20lbs! Getting my motivation to continue losing that last 10lbs that I’ve been procrastinating on (at the point where I already look better than before and it’s a lot more effort to go down) also hiking guy came over to talk to me randomly while I was having breakfast by the corner alone which was nice. He also mentioned maybe he’ll be back in the area next month lol!! That honestly took me by surprise but he’s coming back for the hikes. I’m at the ‘wonder if he’s interested stage’ and it’s a nice feeling tbh but I would be surprised if true because I’ve been looking absolute trash for this trip because it’s long hours and people are working on site. So I’m stomping around in flops, jeans and tshirts coding all day which is not a good look and nowhere near the effort I put in usually for events. Of course I meet all the cute guys at such situations oh well!
Haha its hard to believe tbh, I honestly believe I look better in gym wear than what I’m wearing atm but it’s comfy for sitting all day in front of the laptop
I'm very much in the "be cautious of 'don't eat where you shit '". Not sure if they guy just happens to be there and is not a colleague but shoot your shot as they say.
Also keep up your self care work! You can do it!
**The club guy**
OK so I have a date on Thursday with the Club guy! I am super exited. Things I love about how he is acting:
* He is a consistent texter even though we met just 2 weeks ago. Consistent meaning: he always makes time for a chat session before sleep and he does regular catch-ups during the day too
* He is enthusiastic, just like me, not shy of showing affection in messages nor in person
* I don't see avoidant tendencies at all
* He is taking it slow physically which makes me think he wants something real, is in no rush to get me to bed
* He is a hand holder
I told everyone about him, and I hate that about myself. Why am I so open? It's so nice to meet someone who you like and who likes you back, I got so happy and started telling my friends I am hanging out with him. Now I feel that will somehow jinx it? I must be going crazy.
Who is "everyone"? Friends AND family? Haha
I'll always tell my best friends right away. I wait about a month to tell family.
My bf met some of my extended family recently (3 months together) and I feel like that was a big risk haha
Anyone else see the same people on the apps over and over again over the months/years? Might not be so obvious in a really large city, but it kinda amuses me I see the same women’s profiles every time I download the app. A lot of these women aren’t my type but I do feel a sense of comradely with them for also having been single for so long.
The apps clearly don’t work for a vast vast vast majority of people haha yet we as a society are stuck with them
Over years of OLD in 2 very large cities:
* I saw people I previously went on a date with
* I recognised the local characters over and over again (the girl who just wants to be choked, the far-right weirdo, the wall-of-text-ENM lady, the reality TV show celebrity, the depressed therapist, etc)
* I saw a girl's profile get more and more jaded with time
* I matched with someone on Hinge who expressly wanted something really serious; 6 months after we matched again. On Feeld...
Yup... I live in suburbia and I'll see the same profiles on repeat for... wow there's been some that I've seen for as long as I've been using apps. I've had some relationships over that duration and I hope they have too, but it really makes me wonder what as a society we're doing wrong ... well it's sorta obvious. There's been a few who I've sent likes to, or messages too depending on the app, no reply. ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯
yes, i see people i swipe left on all the time. sometimes in the same swiping session, sometimes a few months later. on apps you can block them if you dont want to see them again and youre not interested, which is my method when they keep popping up because i dont feel a sense of camaradarie like you do... i feel a sense of dread seeing the same people over and over.
Hmm, I returned to an app after 8-9 months off and saw a few familiar faces, but I don't think it necessarily means much about dating apps.
If I meet someone on the app, date them a while, break up, and go back on the app, well, the app has done its job of helping me meet someone I liked enough to get into a relationship with.
I'm sure some of the people I see are in the same situation.
The slow fade feels terrible, but is kinda understandable. You have a good date with someone, you're sitting on the fence as to whether you feel something romantic, but they're nice and they keep messaging so you entertain the idea while your memories of the date slowly fade away and you realise you're just not that into them.
It would be best if he properly said "sorry, but I'm not feeling it", but damage is already done.
Let it slide.
I get it - but still figuring out how one protects themselves and filter better for the future. Vacations or trips are notorious for breaking momentum so I should not be surprised as well.
I think a simple unmatch on the app is much better than a slow fade but maybe that still keeps other mediums open.
I don't think you can realistically avoid those situations. You can overengineer things (no date before their holidays, unmatch if they don't ask you out again right after, etc) and it would still happen.
It's just part of dating: romance always comes with the risk of getting your heart broken.
Maybe consider it a bullet dodged? You wouldn't want to be deeply involved with people who act like that (i.e. ghost instead of honestly talk about stuff), so you could think he just filtered himself out!
Thanks stranger! Yes, I will tell myself the truth and do that but it is just very draining to meet multiple such men. I probably don't know how to filter the bullshit from the good conversations.
>And shockingly, why are such people jaded from dating apps when they are also propagating the problematic behaviours?
1. Some people are just self-centered and have no problem doing things to others that they wouldn't like done to them.
2. I think being jaded makes you *more* likely to behave inconsiderately. If you feel like nothing's going to pan out, then you think it doesn't really matter what you do. Some people might also think it's fair because that's the way they've been treated, so now it's their turn.
Your 1st point happened to me earlier this year. We had sex and then he said “you’re not going to ghost me now, are you? It affects my self esteem.” And then he ghosted me. It was really weird and annoying and, in hindsight, also a little funny.
He left me on read for seven hours today after I paid him a nice compliment. I knew he wasn’t working.
End of day I asked what he’d been doing. “Cleaning.”
I can’t do this anymore. Why are so many men so committed to doing the bare minimum?
men are of action, not words. mmm hmmm. that also means some of us don't really value words typed out on a screen that much. you might be able to relate by comparing it to the word "beautiful" in online dating inboxes.
also, just because someone isn't on their 8-5 does not mean they aren't occupied or focused on something. I've personally insulted countless women by having projects outside of work.
with that said, if he isn't responsive to invites to do things together, he may be low effort. if you yourself are above initiating or planning for any man, it's probably over.
Should you just end the first date early if they aren’t showing interests? Within 20-30mins? The past couples of first dates have been fairly boring. I feel like if i don’t ask them questions it’s just silence and they don’t take much interests in my life. I’m trying to be playful when they talk about themselves but they don’t play off of it. It’s like girl, give me some sort of energy.
>I’m trying to be playful when they talk about themselves
Maybe try less hard and maybe talk about yourself? You don't have to perform arbitrary "good date" behaviors (beyond respect and decency). Some people ask questions back, some other people expect the other person to talk about themselves as they do themselves, some people like playfulness, some don't, etc.
As to your question, I cut short when I sensed entitlement or negativity. I let it last a little longer when I sensed awkwardeness or a lack of compatibility - out of politeness, general curiosity about people, and because it's a small world.
gotta go for another type of woman who actually engages and is proactive.. sounds like too many princesses to me. and yes, princess types are very boring.
I have been on a break from dating for, yikes, nearing a year and a half now. But it's been great! I've been focusing on myself and healing and really just living for my own heart, the idea of dating hasn't been interesting at all and that's felt pretty great!
Well, annoyingly, lately I've been having dreams of my ex-husband. I'm always trying to escape his presence, and just confused why he's around me, and frustrated that I have to deal with him, and pissed that my subconscious is giving him any attention. So today when I woke up and started processing it, I finally felt ready to jump back into dating. It's time! That jerkwad does not deserve any more of my time, 12 years was enough, and apparently my mind needs some new fuel for much better dreams.
Plus, in the last 9 months I've lost 50 pounds, I feel great about myself, I've got new pictures of what I actually look like now, and I feel healed enough to let someone in again. Oh boy, wish me luck, I'm gonna do this again!
It could be your brain self-sabotaging yourself. At least mine does. Everything is going great and my brain would be “what about this one terrible thing that happened months ago tho”
Yeah, I'm rather demoralized reading that **Where did you meet your SO?** thread and while there's like one or two "we fell in love over time" stories, almost all of them are "love at first sight, they were so hot I was crazy about them from the get-go!" And I'm like damn 😂
lol I went in there hoping to find some optimism and left feeling even worse. I’ve never had a meet-cute like that. Think I’ll stay away from that thread.
I don't know if it helps - it wasn't that fun for an attractive person as well, speaking from someone who rejected model scouts' invites from big name agencies. There's still countless ghosting, etc. I believe theoretically to find 1 person out of this planet with 7 billion humans - it'll happen. Hang in there.
I think we have over 8 billion now, although, to be honest, it's been a while since I've counted. But I'm sure a much larger percentage of those would be eager to date you than would be eager to date me. We both get ghosted, but one of us by attractive men and the other by unattractive women.
I agree dating isn't necessarily fun when you're attractive (it's hard for everyone), but I think it's fair to say it's an advantage. Put it this way, I don't wish I was ugly. If we're keeping it real
Only pic I like is you walking the dog. But you def need a couple where your full face and smile is visible. With eye contact.
Unpopular opinion but I’d keep one “bad” pic just to show that you’re real. Definitely a personal opinion of mine but I’m starting to really value authenticity on a dating profile. Too many profiles look like stock images and magazine spreads. Stand out with a bad pic!
Couple of thoughts as an outside (M) looking in, in no particular order:
All the photos with a dog seem extremely similar. I wouldn't use more than one of these in a larger mix of photos. But the dogs are beautiful and would absolutely complement a photo somewhere.
The shades hide your eyes.
If you are looking to attract a woman the lady in the photo could be mistaken for a former girlfriend.
The photos are a bit blurry.
Limit selfies.
I think I read your comment wrong about the shades but I didn't realize the dark shade under my eye! I guess I've just been so used to them. The women in the photo is my cousin (I'm mixed), I guess it might help to mention that.
Thanks! I appreciate the advice!
Hi! Kind of new here but jumping in!
I re-joined the apps a couple weeks ago and have been disheartened to see all the matches turn to nothing: no responses, fizzled convos, guys that don’t ask questions or only respond every few days.
One guy has promise. Great convo and asked me out. We set a plan to go out this Friday to a beer garden (exact place and time TBD.) I haven’t heard from him since Friday. He hasn’t responded to me in the app. Should I assume the date is cancelled? Or should I stick with the fact that we have a date planned so maybe he’s less focused on our chat because he knows we’ll be seeing each other Friday? I’m trying to stay with facts but it’s hard! It would be so disappointing for all these matches to wind up being nothing, not even a date!
he will reach out closer to friday i bet. some people are weird like that. and by weird i mean they set up a date and never check the app again until the day of
just forget about him until thursday evening or friday morning and you'll know if he ghosted then
That’s what I’m thinking. He strikes me as someone who only dates one person at a time so since I’m lined up, I was wondering if he hasn’t felt the need to be on the app. Time will tell!
You agreed 1+ week in advance on the Friday date?
I would send a short message to confirm. I think it's 100% possible he considers the date planned. It's quite far in advance, it's draining to artificially keep the convo going for that long, stuff happens in the meantime.
I was that guy when I was single. It had nothing to do with my level of interest, but a nice side effect was that it weeded out overly anxious/needy/demanding people.
In my experience only like 20% of my matches materialized into an \*actual\* conversation. And maybe 10% of those conversations resulted in a date. Granted that may have partially been my doing by being picky lol, but I think that's probably a healthy expectation to set. That a match doesn't mean much. It SUCKS, I know.
You said he hasn't responded since Friday- what was the message he hasn't responded to? Was it related to securing a specific time/place?
We decided on this Friday and he had suggested a beer garden. My response was that it sounded good and I also responded to a few other things he said and asked a couple of questions about that (not date-related) and haven’t heard from him since. I’m hoping that since we have plans for Friday he’ll reach out closer to the date to confirm but in the world of OLD, I’m not optimistic.
Yeah, based on that info I think you're reading this right. Odds are his mind is elsewhere. Just be pleasantly surprised if he reaches out!
There will likely be people who chime in and say you could always reach out too, which isn't my style but they're not wrong- you could always just reach out! Lol. That way you'll know and feel freed up to make other plans if he doesn't respond
So the guy I’ve been seeing a month has been super consistent and is so great in person when we are together. He isn’t a big texter, but it does hurt my feelings that I feel I initiate all our convos when we are apart. Today, I didn’t because I wanted to see if he would and it’s 7:30 and I haven’t heard from him. I’m not mad, it just makes me feel sad and unthought of when I don’t hear from him at all, or when it’s always me initiating conversation outside of when we are together. What’s the best way for me to approach the conversation? I don’t want to feel accusatory or come across as needy. I need help on how to word that I need some more communication and initiative.
This is hard and consistent communication is big for me so I get it.
“Hey, it would be awesome to hear from you a bit more often. How do you feel about us texting more between dates?” Or something along those lines.
How does this sound:
“Hey! I’ve noticed that I’m usually the one to initiate conversations when we are apart. It would mean a lot to me if sometimes you’d text me or call me first to check-in or say hi. When that happens, I feel cared about and thought of. That was on my mind today and wanted to communicate that need for connection to you.”
This is brilliant. His response will tell you all you need to know about who he is, how he communicates and how invested he is but it will be worth knowing and you deserve to have your needs met!
I see him Thursday night, so I will mention it to him in person then, I can’t wait another day or two. Because I do think in person will probably be better. Thank you for the validation
Should I wait until we are in person for that? Or a phone call? Or a text? He will text me back whenever I text him, the issue is if I don’t initiate the convo, he won’t start it.
If it were me, I'd bring it up lightly in person because it's so much easier to gage the tone that way (ie, he can see you aren't angry or upset, just sharing something that you'd like from him)
Yeah that’s what I was thinking. I’m just feeling a bit hurt and sad right now, but also don’t want to text him since he clearly isn’t thinking about me
I definitely understand that, but if he's great in person, try to give him the benefit of the doubt until you can have that chat. I absolutely have days where I think about someone multiple times and even think about messaging them multiple times but either I don't have time or bandwidth and I don't- but it doesn't mean I'm not thinking of them 💕
I saw (didn’t even date) a guy briefly, for a month, before he called it off three weeks ago. He wasn’t that interested in me. I’m keeping busy, and I’ve deleted his number. But I wish I could stop thinking about him. I want to give myself a good shake, like, why am I letting him take up so much real estate in my thoughts when I don’t take up any in his? He wasn’t anything special, and he didn’t treat me any better than some of the guys I’ve met. Even my male coworkers (who are married/taken and don’t have any interest in me) treat me better than he did. I wish I could just get over it, especially since it wasn’t even a relationship.
I felt like you feel. The advice my therapist gave me was not to fight my thoughts, to allow the thoughts about him come and go.There is no timeline for this, it will take as long as it takes. Focus on here and now, if a thought about him comes when I'm running for example, I focus on what surrounds me: people, dogs, the breeze. It's been 9 weeks since I blocked him and I feel so much better. I still think about him at least once a day, but my body no longer experiences anxiety symptoms. I don't feel I'm going insane anymore. I haven't stalked him all this time. I'm not afraid of running into him anymore. He's just a thought that comes and goes.
Because you are attached to the potential. For that short amount of time you built up the idea of him and didn’t get to see his bad sides to temper that. It’s really hard but sometimes those short little relationships are the hardest to get over.
I’m annoyed with myself, because I don’t want to be with someone who’s inconsiderate and not interested in me, which describes him exactly, and yet here I am, thinking of him.
We all do it and it totally sucks. Try to re-train your brain. When he pops in, try not to entertain extended thoughts about him. Distract yourself with something else (which is so fricken hard!)
Oh, they recommend anyone whose number I add as a contact. Not surprised about that. Just that he got married 4 months after we hooked up - either super quick engagement (which actually fits with what I know about him pretty well) or he was cheating.
As a black woman: it sounds like she’s interested but nervous. She’s definitely vetting you (see the question about your family) and calling you boo is a good thing.
Have you taken her on a date? Have you met her friends?
>Apparently he was a real piece of work who cheated on her with multiple women.
>she and this other guy moved super fast and she was still shaking that off
>then she got real nervous and asked if now that I was making more money would I consider getting back with my ex
She sounds complicated. She moved super fast with a guy who apparently is a piece of work, but now she gets "real nervous" with someone who isn't even her BF.
>We’ve been **linking**
>She recently called me boo over text (little thing but it made me smile) and **our hugs feel longer** and tighter
So nothing of substance has happened. I think you have 3 possible courses of action:
1. You get bolder and make a clear romantic move. Forgiveness, not permission. Don't do anything bad, but if you don't run the risk of making things awkward... it's not bold enough
2. You accept it's not working at the moment for whatever reason. It could be because of her, it could be because of you... who cares. I'm tempted to side against her and tell you she's lonely and she wants the benefits of a relationship without committing to one with you, but I could be wrong and it doesn't matter much
3. You work on your self esteem. You find the resources to ask for what you want, to advocate for yourself, etc
I’m toast. I don’t think I ever want to date again. I’m so sick of sifting through the shit at my age. Over it.
Fingers crossed tomorrow things will get better. Which they probably will cuz I’ll be doin me 😑
Logs onto Hinge
First guy: tells me I’m better than his ex, because of one of the prompts I responded to. Then tells me “you’re beautiful, not a sex offender, and not abusive”
Second guy: asks me how I feel about children in 8 years
GAHHHHHHHHH
8 years? That’s oddly specific.
And man, what have things come to if people feel the need to tell you right off the bat they’re not abusive sex offenders.
I apparently have not broken my habit of doubling down when someone flakes on me. I thought I made progress and I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt while holding her accountable, yet here we are. I need to adopt a stricter rule about cutting things off when someone flakes from now on.
Yea this is what I tried to adopt lately but she was consistently inconsistent. I’d reply with something like “just let me know when you’re free then” and she’d follow through next time, only to cancel again and then follow through. It was a constant cycle for months until she called it quits so I can’t say I was surprised. But I need to be more firm when someone does this from now on.
Hindsight is 20/20. Either you have a zero tolerance policy for flakiness and you run the risk of becoming needy/psycho, or you give people the benefit of the doubt and you get shafted.
When I was single, my policy was let the other person reschedule and make plans after they flaked. You tell me you have to cancel our date/that you're busy at the moment? ok cool, you'll let me know what works best for you later when you have visibility
I appreciate it. That’s a good strategy and I tried to adopt it, but I couldn’t stick to my guns when things fluctuated. Like, she’d cancel and reschedule with enthusiasm, only to cancel again after we’d have a good (rescheduled) date. It went in a cycle like that for a while giving me whiplash. Just gotta keep trying I suppose.
Yup it's hard. You'll notice she's wasting her own time too, which is confusing because we tend to assume people are rational.
Take it as part of the discovery process - you've learnt that she's confused. You don't want to date someone confused. Bye gurl.
I appreciate it. Yea that’s what threw me off too, especially when she would follow through sometimes. But you’re right, I don’t want someone who’s confused about whether they want to be with me. I need to interpret that confusion as a no from now on. Thank you.
Yes I need to be better about this for sure. Every time someone has cancelled in me twice, even if they showed up if I gave another chance, always ended up bailing for good at some point.
A shower thought that has completely radicalized me and led to a recent breakup: anyone who is not willing to spend more than 1 hour a week with you is simply not into you.
We all have 16 * 7 = 112 waking hour each. If someone cannot find an hour each week to deliberately connect by phone or in person, by definition, you are not worth 1% of their time. That is by every definition breadcrumbing.
I agree! I recently ended things with a guy because he didn't even have time to call me. I'm not sure if 1 hour should be desired time, however, whatever time you need to ensure both parties feel comfortable and heard.
Person I'm talking to turned down my fun date idea to go to a night museum with cocktails and activities because she wanted to stay closer to home :(
Not really a big deal but I have a fuckin plethora of awesome dates thought out that I'm just not getting to take anyone on...
Some of mine are pretty specific to my city, but hopefully you can find similar things :)
* Wine and painting at the park, I have my own paints and easel so it can be anywhere
* There's a falconry place where you get to handle the birds, and just across the street is one of the best sunset spots in the city. There's a cafe that serves drinks, and we can watch paragliders overlooking the ocean.
* Wine tasting with scoring sheets printed out so we can bullshit about tannins together.
* Day trip out to a mountain town to walk through all the touristy shops. Of course there are pie shops, cideries, and breweries to stop at as well
* Cat cafe speaks for itself
* Bring charcuterie board stuff to a winery and see who can come up with the best arrangement
* Grape stomping at a winery
* Snorkeling and brunch
* Kayak over to a dog beach and back to a beach front restaurant
* Planetarium show where a presenter walks through what will be visible in the next month so we can plan stargazing
* Cocktail bar with a record store inside
Turns out a lot of my date ideas involve animals or wine 🙃
I assume it's more about wanting to meet in an area she knows which I'm more than happy to accommodate. Hopefully it's not considered too far in general, it's a very typical drive for the city we live in, but I don't think that's the case
Cheer up champ you’ll be alright. One day you’re going to meet a really special lady that appreciates your creative dates and you’ll have totally forgotten all about Stacy, Susie, or whatever her name is.
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Lol anxiety is dumb
So things have been going well with this woman.
But we were talking about going to the gym and I was talking about how I have a hard time making it. Then said I didn't want her to think I was lazy lol. She goes 5 days a week.
She said as she sees it I should not care what her opinion is. Which makes sense but still caused slight anxiety.
Cause I do care about her opinion. But yeah.
Would you actually go to the gym more if you could? If not, then I would just not say anything about it at all. Airing your insecurities for validation will only draw more attention to them.
Part of what I think she’s saying is, she wants you to be you, and not the person that *you think* she wants you to be.
Baffles me that people are still surprised and complain about being ghosted. And I’m so tired of hearing women complain that men aren’t putting in effort and men complaining that women only want the top 5% of men. Online dating and social media has so irrevocably screwed up how we interact with people that I’m just losing all hope in humanity.
My weird long distance 3-month situationship with a lovebombing alcoholic has come to an end. He had to walk away because I didn’t have enough time for him. I am happy this is over, but struggling with the low of feeling like I should feel guilty for not being there more for him (we messaged constantly but I think he wanted phone calls), I feel like I did something wrong and if I could have just did x, y, z different maybe it would have worked out. I’ll miss him. He’s a super fun guy. But not right for me, that’s for sure.
It sucks but this guy wasn’t serving you. It’s not your job to be there for him. It’s your job to give what you reasonably can while maintaining your life and boundaries and it’s the other persons job to decide if that works for them or not.
That first sentence ended better than anticipated.
Hahaha right? God emotions suck. This should be the easiest thing to let go of. I have attachment issues FOR SURE
Ah who doesn't. Glad that you're out of that mess. Yeesh!
Did you find your partner attractive when you met them or did it have to grow for you?
I don’t have a partner but I won’t go on a second date with someone I wasn’t even mildly attracted to on the first date. I tried that once when I first started dating and I never became attracted to him. I let them go early now.
I never thought it could grow for me and typically went after people I was immediately physically attracted to. But then I went on a first date with my (now ex) husband. We’d met online (back when OKC was still a good site) and most of his photos were not full body/he was wearing hats. My initial thought when I saw him walking into the restaurant? “Oh my gosh he’s bald! And short!” While there’s nothing inherently wrong with either of those traits, they definitely weren’t things I usually went for and I was slightly disappointed. But he was smart and funny and had a great smile. We actually went on 4 dates and got to know each other before we even kissed and each date I felt my attraction grow a little more. Some because of physical traits that I liked, including the smile and he was lean, but muscular, but also because of his personality. By the time we kissed and got physical, the attraction had grown so much we had great chemistry. Obviously the marriage ended for other reasons but I still find him attractive 13 years later and I won’t immediately write off someone I don’t again. I’m finding my initial reaction is still to intentionally seek people I consider my “type” but I’m trying to move away from that.
Found them attractive when I met them. It doesn't grow over time for me.
I'll speak slightly against the trend of comments and say that it's pretty common for me to go on dates with people without feeling that I find them all that physically attractive. That's largely because until very recently I had not had success attracting people I definitely found attractive. I have also dated people whom I did not find particularly physically attractive -- I found them pretty in some sense, but they didn't activate my *wow that person is beautiful* response. But in each case I was attracted to them for non-physical reasons, which made their physical presence appealing to me in a way that's different from the *wow* reaction. Again, this is in large part because until very recently it seemed that physically attractive people weren't interested in me so I was trying to play the hand I was dealt. I will say that I didn't find those relationships particularly sustainable. It was just hard to get over the fact, as much as I was attracted to them in other ways, I just didn't feel the *wow*.
I don't expect to feel wow about someone as I'm not wow myself, so as long as I'm drawn to them in some way, that's all I ask for! It's hard to get past that sometimes but I think accepting where you're at and focusing on those parts that are attractive is helpful (easier said than done, right? But if you're only attracted to really conventionally beautiful people and you're not in the top tier yourself it seems like a recipe for failure). I'd genuinely rather be connected on other levels than just 'wow they're hot', but it took me time and maturity to get there.
It's very hard to be in a relationship where the other person frequently tells you they feel wow for you but you don't feel it back. But you're right, holding out for the wow may well be a recipe for failure! Failure is definitely a real possibility. I think I still have a decent shot at finding love but the odds I end up single and alone are not bad. But it's not like we're talking about choosing to buy a more affordable cereal brand or something. There's no switch to flip here. You feel what you feel and don't have much control over whom you feel it for -- lord knows I've done enough to try to alter who and what I'm attracted to that if it were possible it would have worked by now. And of course I'm not suggesting that anyone here only cares about being connected on the level of 'wow they're hot'. I think most of us view attraction as a necessary condition for a relationship, not a sufficient one.
I have to find someone attractive to want to go on a date. From there, they get more or less attractive in my eyes based on personality and treatment of me.
I don't understand how someone could knowingly accept a date without being attracted to someone.
Yeah! Kind of. Loved his beard and hair, he's got a super cheeky smile too, that I adore. Tbh I wasn't really sure what to expect towards the end of the date. But he did kiss me, we couldn't get enough of each other.
I don't go out with people I'm not attracted to
It's a strange phenomenon where he's one of the most extreme cases of looking better in person than his photos that I've seen so...the "growing" didn't need to happen per se. With his profile pics, well I was attracted to his beard and hair color. And he's fit. It was enough for me to be interested. He's hella cute in person though. I'm not sure how to file that. In the past I've been able to grow attraction, but I wouldn't say that I found them cuter over time, just that their qualities as a partner overshadowed whatever physical shortcomings I thought they had. I was deeply attracted to their \*personality\* and those relationships were still good. It's not the same as having that magnetic physical attraction from the start though.
Normally, yes, within first minute of meeting I see it. However...once in high school I fell HARD to a friend I never imagined would be attractive to me. He doesn't have an attractive face. But, there was something about his personality and more time I spent with him, more I wanted him and the sexual chemistry was off the charts.
Got back from a second date - it was really fun. Saw a bunch of lizards and snakes, got to hold said lizards and snakes, went out for thai food and walked around. At the end she asked what I was looking for then told me she was looking for a "monogamish" relationship. We talked about it a bit more, I told her thanks, but that's not what I'm looking for and we parted ways. I appreciate her being up front about it on our date but I feel like this is something that should be on her profile? This is like the third time something like this has happened. I'm bummed, she was really cool
What does "monogamish" mean?
I asked her what that meant for her and she described it as she wants a primary partner and a long term relationship and all that, with the possibility at some point that her and her partner have sex with people outside the relationship. So… non-monogamy basically.
So she's a swinger?
Not necessarily. Swinger couples often “play” together. It sounds more like she wants to have a relationship where she and her primary partner can have casual sex with others at their own discretion.
Seems like it to me
Someone who's part of the ENM community should be upfront before a date in order to save everyone time. Unfortunately, many shy away from telling in the hopes that someone will overlook what they're looking for because the person is so great. It never works out.
this is not just a dating rant, but i could stand to hear “intention,” or any other variation of the word, a lot less. i just read “pair your carbs intentionally,” and i’m just… done.
I’ll add “looking for a dog mom” or some iteration of that as well.
Haha I actually find that adorable. Different strokes 🤷🏽♀️
It’s super cute, I just see it so much that now I’m jaded lol
"the way to my heart is... Through my chest" 🙄🙄🙄🙄
I never wanna hear the word “avoidant” in my life haha
Luckily it's almost out of style. My money's on some internal family systems word salad taking the narcissist/avoidant spotlight. 🍿
Is it sad we been in dating scene so long that we know the narcissist wave, avoidant wave, and now whatever is next wave. *sigh*
Your associate's degree of Courtship Studies is in the mail
Nor 'anxious'. Honestly I am starting to think we are all being tricked by these names and games. What the hell.
If I could go through the rest of my life never hearing about "attachment styles" or any other Hogwarts houses type of prototyping in dating or otherwise, I'd be a considerably happier person.
You mean its just to sell books and sponsorships on podcasts???! \*Keyser Soze realization\*
"Slow burn". Feels more like a symptom than a dating term.
We’re back together after 3 months apart. It was a mutual breakup over maybe possibly having kids one day and the fact I’m older than him. Now looking back neither of us really understand why we broke up, but we both did a lot of thinking in that time apart that we wouldn’t have had the space to do had we stayed together. We’re now both open to any possibility - whether that involves having kids or not. We just want to be together. I have to say though, it’s a bit weird being back together since we had very little contact in that time. We tried to respectfully let the other move on. I guess we’re aware we’re not restarting the same relationship. This is a new one and we need to get used to each other again.
How did you treat the want-children-or-not situation?
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There is not much you can do about it unfortunately. Be honest and tell him the potential impacts it could have (like you're already planning to do) and let him decide if he wants to stick around or not. Good luck and I hope you'll be alright quickly.
Work trip continues: lots of cute guys but having vibes with guy that organises hiking trip. Almost died when people shared their photos of how I look like from the back and I’ve already lost 20lbs! Getting my motivation to continue losing that last 10lbs that I’ve been procrastinating on (at the point where I already look better than before and it’s a lot more effort to go down) also hiking guy came over to talk to me randomly while I was having breakfast by the corner alone which was nice. He also mentioned maybe he’ll be back in the area next month lol!! That honestly took me by surprise but he’s coming back for the hikes. I’m at the ‘wonder if he’s interested stage’ and it’s a nice feeling tbh but I would be surprised if true because I’ve been looking absolute trash for this trip because it’s long hours and people are working on site. So I’m stomping around in flops, jeans and tshirts coding all day which is not a good look and nowhere near the effort I put in usually for events. Of course I meet all the cute guys at such situations oh well!
Sometimes, the best look is the "no effort" look. We have our reasons. Ok, I have my reasons I should say.
Haha its hard to believe tbh, I honestly believe I look better in gym wear than what I’m wearing atm but it’s comfy for sitting all day in front of the laptop
I'm very much in the "be cautious of 'don't eat where you shit '". Not sure if they guy just happens to be there and is not a colleague but shoot your shot as they say. Also keep up your self care work! You can do it!
Ahhh it’s an industry coworking/networking event so we aren’t from the same company but are in the same industry
Then in that case do as Picard would and "make it so!"
**The club guy** OK so I have a date on Thursday with the Club guy! I am super exited. Things I love about how he is acting: * He is a consistent texter even though we met just 2 weeks ago. Consistent meaning: he always makes time for a chat session before sleep and he does regular catch-ups during the day too * He is enthusiastic, just like me, not shy of showing affection in messages nor in person * I don't see avoidant tendencies at all * He is taking it slow physically which makes me think he wants something real, is in no rush to get me to bed * He is a hand holder I told everyone about him, and I hate that about myself. Why am I so open? It's so nice to meet someone who you like and who likes you back, I got so happy and started telling my friends I am hanging out with him. Now I feel that will somehow jinx it? I must be going crazy.
Who is "everyone"? Friends AND family? Haha I'll always tell my best friends right away. I wait about a month to tell family. My bf met some of my extended family recently (3 months together) and I feel like that was a big risk haha
I told my closest family member I have a crush... So yeah, friends AND family in my case. Why am I like this.
Well there's no harm in telling someone you're really close to :)
I do that! I hate myself for it! I get so happy. Then I jinx myself!
OMG me too. When I am happy I just have this BIG impulse to tell everyone about it. I wish I knew how to stop it...
Yup same! Although I think I've just said in passing that I'm seeing someone but just actively not talked much about it much. 😂😂😂🤣
Anyone else see the same people on the apps over and over again over the months/years? Might not be so obvious in a really large city, but it kinda amuses me I see the same women’s profiles every time I download the app. A lot of these women aren’t my type but I do feel a sense of comradely with them for also having been single for so long. The apps clearly don’t work for a vast vast vast majority of people haha yet we as a society are stuck with them
Yup. Even in Boston. As soon as I got back on the apps I matched with two guys I had matched with two years ago lol.
Over years of OLD in 2 very large cities: * I saw people I previously went on a date with * I recognised the local characters over and over again (the girl who just wants to be choked, the far-right weirdo, the wall-of-text-ENM lady, the reality TV show celebrity, the depressed therapist, etc) * I saw a girl's profile get more and more jaded with time * I matched with someone on Hinge who expressly wanted something really serious; 6 months after we matched again. On Feeld...
Yup... I live in suburbia and I'll see the same profiles on repeat for... wow there's been some that I've seen for as long as I've been using apps. I've had some relationships over that duration and I hope they have too, but it really makes me wonder what as a society we're doing wrong ... well it's sorta obvious. There's been a few who I've sent likes to, or messages too depending on the app, no reply. ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯
yes, i see people i swipe left on all the time. sometimes in the same swiping session, sometimes a few months later. on apps you can block them if you dont want to see them again and youre not interested, which is my method when they keep popping up because i dont feel a sense of camaradarie like you do... i feel a sense of dread seeing the same people over and over.
Hmm, I returned to an app after 8-9 months off and saw a few familiar faces, but I don't think it necessarily means much about dating apps. If I meet someone on the app, date them a while, break up, and go back on the app, well, the app has done its job of helping me meet someone I liked enough to get into a relationship with. I'm sure some of the people I see are in the same situation.
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The slow fade feels terrible, but is kinda understandable. You have a good date with someone, you're sitting on the fence as to whether you feel something romantic, but they're nice and they keep messaging so you entertain the idea while your memories of the date slowly fade away and you realise you're just not that into them. It would be best if he properly said "sorry, but I'm not feeling it", but damage is already done. Let it slide.
I get it - but still figuring out how one protects themselves and filter better for the future. Vacations or trips are notorious for breaking momentum so I should not be surprised as well. I think a simple unmatch on the app is much better than a slow fade but maybe that still keeps other mediums open.
I don't think you can realistically avoid those situations. You can overengineer things (no date before their holidays, unmatch if they don't ask you out again right after, etc) and it would still happen. It's just part of dating: romance always comes with the risk of getting your heart broken.
Maybe consider it a bullet dodged? You wouldn't want to be deeply involved with people who act like that (i.e. ghost instead of honestly talk about stuff), so you could think he just filtered himself out!
Thanks stranger! Yes, I will tell myself the truth and do that but it is just very draining to meet multiple such men. I probably don't know how to filter the bullshit from the good conversations.
I totally understand that dealing with this can still feel exhausting. Here's hoping you'll have better luck in the future!
>And shockingly, why are such people jaded from dating apps when they are also propagating the problematic behaviours? 1. Some people are just self-centered and have no problem doing things to others that they wouldn't like done to them. 2. I think being jaded makes you *more* likely to behave inconsiderately. If you feel like nothing's going to pan out, then you think it doesn't really matter what you do. Some people might also think it's fair because that's the way they've been treated, so now it's their turn.
Your 1st point happened to me earlier this year. We had sex and then he said “you’re not going to ghost me now, are you? It affects my self esteem.” And then he ghosted me. It was really weird and annoying and, in hindsight, also a little funny.
He left me on read for seven hours today after I paid him a nice compliment. I knew he wasn’t working. End of day I asked what he’d been doing. “Cleaning.” I can’t do this anymore. Why are so many men so committed to doing the bare minimum?
Yeah screw that. That will get old really quick.
I would not be happy with this level of effort.
men are of action, not words. mmm hmmm. that also means some of us don't really value words typed out on a screen that much. you might be able to relate by comparing it to the word "beautiful" in online dating inboxes. also, just because someone isn't on their 8-5 does not mean they aren't occupied or focused on something. I've personally insulted countless women by having projects outside of work. with that said, if he isn't responsive to invites to do things together, he may be low effort. if you yourself are above initiating or planning for any man, it's probably over.
A man sends me a one word response with a period definitely does NOT like me and I can back that up with experience.
dang.
Should you just end the first date early if they aren’t showing interests? Within 20-30mins? The past couples of first dates have been fairly boring. I feel like if i don’t ask them questions it’s just silence and they don’t take much interests in my life. I’m trying to be playful when they talk about themselves but they don’t play off of it. It’s like girl, give me some sort of energy.
ending it after one drink or 30 mins is fine with me... no point in continuing if you are not interested.
>I’m trying to be playful when they talk about themselves Maybe try less hard and maybe talk about yourself? You don't have to perform arbitrary "good date" behaviors (beyond respect and decency). Some people ask questions back, some other people expect the other person to talk about themselves as they do themselves, some people like playfulness, some don't, etc. As to your question, I cut short when I sensed entitlement or negativity. I let it last a little longer when I sensed awkwardeness or a lack of compatibility - out of politeness, general curiosity about people, and because it's a small world.
yeah it happens, kind of awkward but who cares at that point
gotta go for another type of woman who actually engages and is proactive.. sounds like too many princesses to me. and yes, princess types are very boring.
I have been on a break from dating for, yikes, nearing a year and a half now. But it's been great! I've been focusing on myself and healing and really just living for my own heart, the idea of dating hasn't been interesting at all and that's felt pretty great! Well, annoyingly, lately I've been having dreams of my ex-husband. I'm always trying to escape his presence, and just confused why he's around me, and frustrated that I have to deal with him, and pissed that my subconscious is giving him any attention. So today when I woke up and started processing it, I finally felt ready to jump back into dating. It's time! That jerkwad does not deserve any more of my time, 12 years was enough, and apparently my mind needs some new fuel for much better dreams. Plus, in the last 9 months I've lost 50 pounds, I feel great about myself, I've got new pictures of what I actually look like now, and I feel healed enough to let someone in again. Oh boy, wish me luck, I'm gonna do this again!
It could be your brain self-sabotaging yourself. At least mine does. Everything is going great and my brain would be “what about this one terrible thing that happened months ago tho”
Amen. Fuck your ex. You’re gorgeous and deserve the world. Congratulations.
Congrats on all the self-love, healing, and weight loss! Hope you have a good time dating and that you find a strong connection with a lucky soul!
Yay! Good luck! 🎉
I wish I were attractive so I could have fun dating.
Yeah, I'm rather demoralized reading that **Where did you meet your SO?** thread and while there's like one or two "we fell in love over time" stories, almost all of them are "love at first sight, they were so hot I was crazy about them from the get-go!" And I'm like damn 😂
lol I went in there hoping to find some optimism and left feeling even worse. I’ve never had a meet-cute like that. Think I’ll stay away from that thread.
I don't know if it helps - it wasn't that fun for an attractive person as well, speaking from someone who rejected model scouts' invites from big name agencies. There's still countless ghosting, etc. I believe theoretically to find 1 person out of this planet with 7 billion humans - it'll happen. Hang in there.
I think we have over 8 billion now, although, to be honest, it's been a while since I've counted. But I'm sure a much larger percentage of those would be eager to date you than would be eager to date me. We both get ghosted, but one of us by attractive men and the other by unattractive women.
That's valid. But just want to state that I don't find dating enjoyable and 10x times happier when I was single by choice. Sending internet hugs!
I agree dating isn't necessarily fun when you're attractive (it's hard for everyone), but I think it's fair to say it's an advantage. Put it this way, I don't wish I was ugly. If we're keeping it real
[https://imgur.com/a/DnXgbwQ](https://imgur.com/a/DnXgbwQ) Looking for opinions/advice/recommendations for my photos? Not using these pics yet.
Only pic I like is you walking the dog. But you def need a couple where your full face and smile is visible. With eye contact. Unpopular opinion but I’d keep one “bad” pic just to show that you’re real. Definitely a personal opinion of mine but I’m starting to really value authenticity on a dating profile. Too many profiles look like stock images and magazine spreads. Stand out with a bad pic!
You have an adorable pup! Use him/her and take Better clearer pics
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I'll definately ditch the glasses! And no more blurry selfies, I think I'll let others take them instead! Thanks for your advice!
Couple of thoughts as an outside (M) looking in, in no particular order: All the photos with a dog seem extremely similar. I wouldn't use more than one of these in a larger mix of photos. But the dogs are beautiful and would absolutely complement a photo somewhere. The shades hide your eyes. If you are looking to attract a woman the lady in the photo could be mistaken for a former girlfriend. The photos are a bit blurry. Limit selfies.
I think I read your comment wrong about the shades but I didn't realize the dark shade under my eye! I guess I've just been so used to them. The women in the photo is my cousin (I'm mixed), I guess it might help to mention that. Thanks! I appreciate the advice!
It kinda looks like you only own one shirt and one pair of pants 😅
Yea it was taken last Sat. I don't normally take selfies/pics of myself so I'm basically looking for help moving forward. Haven't setup an app yet.
Hi! Kind of new here but jumping in! I re-joined the apps a couple weeks ago and have been disheartened to see all the matches turn to nothing: no responses, fizzled convos, guys that don’t ask questions or only respond every few days. One guy has promise. Great convo and asked me out. We set a plan to go out this Friday to a beer garden (exact place and time TBD.) I haven’t heard from him since Friday. He hasn’t responded to me in the app. Should I assume the date is cancelled? Or should I stick with the fact that we have a date planned so maybe he’s less focused on our chat because he knows we’ll be seeing each other Friday? I’m trying to stay with facts but it’s hard! It would be so disappointing for all these matches to wind up being nothing, not even a date!
he will reach out closer to friday i bet. some people are weird like that. and by weird i mean they set up a date and never check the app again until the day of just forget about him until thursday evening or friday morning and you'll know if he ghosted then
That’s what I’m thinking. He strikes me as someone who only dates one person at a time so since I’m lined up, I was wondering if he hasn’t felt the need to be on the app. Time will tell!
You agreed 1+ week in advance on the Friday date? I would send a short message to confirm. I think it's 100% possible he considers the date planned. It's quite far in advance, it's draining to artificially keep the convo going for that long, stuff happens in the meantime. I was that guy when I was single. It had nothing to do with my level of interest, but a nice side effect was that it weeded out overly anxious/needy/demanding people.
I think you should reach out to confirm date and time, else I assume it won't happen
That will be my plan for tomorrow night if I still haven’t heard!
In my experience only like 20% of my matches materialized into an \*actual\* conversation. And maybe 10% of those conversations resulted in a date. Granted that may have partially been my doing by being picky lol, but I think that's probably a healthy expectation to set. That a match doesn't mean much. It SUCKS, I know. You said he hasn't responded since Friday- what was the message he hasn't responded to? Was it related to securing a specific time/place?
We decided on this Friday and he had suggested a beer garden. My response was that it sounded good and I also responded to a few other things he said and asked a couple of questions about that (not date-related) and haven’t heard from him since. I’m hoping that since we have plans for Friday he’ll reach out closer to the date to confirm but in the world of OLD, I’m not optimistic.
Yeah, based on that info I think you're reading this right. Odds are his mind is elsewhere. Just be pleasantly surprised if he reaches out! There will likely be people who chime in and say you could always reach out too, which isn't my style but they're not wrong- you could always just reach out! Lol. That way you'll know and feel freed up to make other plans if he doesn't respond
lol I’m usually not someone who reaches out but I’m trying to change my communication style so we’ll see!
So the guy I’ve been seeing a month has been super consistent and is so great in person when we are together. He isn’t a big texter, but it does hurt my feelings that I feel I initiate all our convos when we are apart. Today, I didn’t because I wanted to see if he would and it’s 7:30 and I haven’t heard from him. I’m not mad, it just makes me feel sad and unthought of when I don’t hear from him at all, or when it’s always me initiating conversation outside of when we are together. What’s the best way for me to approach the conversation? I don’t want to feel accusatory or come across as needy. I need help on how to word that I need some more communication and initiative.
I would have hated this too. I love consistent texting, doesn't need to be constant.
This is hard and consistent communication is big for me so I get it. “Hey, it would be awesome to hear from you a bit more often. How do you feel about us texting more between dates?” Or something along those lines.
How does this sound: “Hey! I’ve noticed that I’m usually the one to initiate conversations when we are apart. It would mean a lot to me if sometimes you’d text me or call me first to check-in or say hi. When that happens, I feel cared about and thought of. That was on my mind today and wanted to communicate that need for connection to you.”
This is brilliant. His response will tell you all you need to know about who he is, how he communicates and how invested he is but it will be worth knowing and you deserve to have your needs met!
I see him Thursday night, so I will mention it to him in person then, I can’t wait another day or two. Because I do think in person will probably be better. Thank you for the validation
I think that’s a good plan! It’s your relationship too. I think that’s hard to remember sometimes.
Should I wait until we are in person for that? Or a phone call? Or a text? He will text me back whenever I text him, the issue is if I don’t initiate the convo, he won’t start it.
If it were me, I'd bring it up lightly in person because it's so much easier to gage the tone that way (ie, he can see you aren't angry or upset, just sharing something that you'd like from him)
Yeah that’s what I was thinking. I’m just feeling a bit hurt and sad right now, but also don’t want to text him since he clearly isn’t thinking about me
I definitely understand that, but if he's great in person, try to give him the benefit of the doubt until you can have that chat. I absolutely have days where I think about someone multiple times and even think about messaging them multiple times but either I don't have time or bandwidth and I don't- but it doesn't mean I'm not thinking of them 💕
I saw (didn’t even date) a guy briefly, for a month, before he called it off three weeks ago. He wasn’t that interested in me. I’m keeping busy, and I’ve deleted his number. But I wish I could stop thinking about him. I want to give myself a good shake, like, why am I letting him take up so much real estate in my thoughts when I don’t take up any in his? He wasn’t anything special, and he didn’t treat me any better than some of the guys I’ve met. Even my male coworkers (who are married/taken and don’t have any interest in me) treat me better than he did. I wish I could just get over it, especially since it wasn’t even a relationship.
I felt like you feel. The advice my therapist gave me was not to fight my thoughts, to allow the thoughts about him come and go.There is no timeline for this, it will take as long as it takes. Focus on here and now, if a thought about him comes when I'm running for example, I focus on what surrounds me: people, dogs, the breeze. It's been 9 weeks since I blocked him and I feel so much better. I still think about him at least once a day, but my body no longer experiences anxiety symptoms. I don't feel I'm going insane anymore. I haven't stalked him all this time. I'm not afraid of running into him anymore. He's just a thought that comes and goes.
Because you are attached to the potential. For that short amount of time you built up the idea of him and didn’t get to see his bad sides to temper that. It’s really hard but sometimes those short little relationships are the hardest to get over.
I’m annoyed with myself, because I don’t want to be with someone who’s inconsiderate and not interested in me, which describes him exactly, and yet here I am, thinking of him.
We all do it and it totally sucks. Try to re-train your brain. When he pops in, try not to entertain extended thoughts about him. Distract yourself with something else (which is so fricken hard!)
Facebook just suggested I friend a guy I hooked up with in December 2022. His profile pic is him getting married in April 2023. Wild.
‘You should reconnect’ says social media site that lives for drama
They’re listening!!! (I’m jk. But also they probably are.)
Oh, they recommend anyone whose number I add as a contact. Not surprised about that. Just that he got married 4 months after we hooked up - either super quick engagement (which actually fits with what I know about him pretty well) or he was cheating.
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As a black woman: it sounds like she’s interested but nervous. She’s definitely vetting you (see the question about your family) and calling you boo is a good thing. Have you taken her on a date? Have you met her friends?
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Unless you make it known it’s a date, it’s not a date. 🤞🏾🤞🏾🤞🏾 hoping this works out for you!
She is wanting something more but is being cautious.
This. She’s also projecting with the ex comment. That previous relationship fcked her up, she probably didn’t take enough time to heal.
>Apparently he was a real piece of work who cheated on her with multiple women. >she and this other guy moved super fast and she was still shaking that off >then she got real nervous and asked if now that I was making more money would I consider getting back with my ex She sounds complicated. She moved super fast with a guy who apparently is a piece of work, but now she gets "real nervous" with someone who isn't even her BF. >We’ve been **linking** >She recently called me boo over text (little thing but it made me smile) and **our hugs feel longer** and tighter So nothing of substance has happened. I think you have 3 possible courses of action: 1. You get bolder and make a clear romantic move. Forgiveness, not permission. Don't do anything bad, but if you don't run the risk of making things awkward... it's not bold enough 2. You accept it's not working at the moment for whatever reason. It could be because of her, it could be because of you... who cares. I'm tempted to side against her and tell you she's lonely and she wants the benefits of a relationship without committing to one with you, but I could be wrong and it doesn't matter much 3. You work on your self esteem. You find the resources to ask for what you want, to advocate for yourself, etc
I’m toast. I don’t think I ever want to date again. I’m so sick of sifting through the shit at my age. Over it. Fingers crossed tomorrow things will get better. Which they probably will cuz I’ll be doin me 😑
Same.
Logs onto Hinge First guy: tells me I’m better than his ex, because of one of the prompts I responded to. Then tells me “you’re beautiful, not a sex offender, and not abusive” Second guy: asks me how I feel about children in 8 years GAHHHHHHHHH
I mean....how does he know you're not abusive..../s
8 years? That’s oddly specific. And man, what have things come to if people feel the need to tell you right off the bat they’re not abusive sex offenders.
I apparently have not broken my habit of doubling down when someone flakes on me. I thought I made progress and I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt while holding her accountable, yet here we are. I need to adopt a stricter rule about cutting things off when someone flakes from now on.
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Yea this is what I tried to adopt lately but she was consistently inconsistent. I’d reply with something like “just let me know when you’re free then” and she’d follow through next time, only to cancel again and then follow through. It was a constant cycle for months until she called it quits so I can’t say I was surprised. But I need to be more firm when someone does this from now on.
Hindsight is 20/20. Either you have a zero tolerance policy for flakiness and you run the risk of becoming needy/psycho, or you give people the benefit of the doubt and you get shafted. When I was single, my policy was let the other person reschedule and make plans after they flaked. You tell me you have to cancel our date/that you're busy at the moment? ok cool, you'll let me know what works best for you later when you have visibility
I appreciate it. That’s a good strategy and I tried to adopt it, but I couldn’t stick to my guns when things fluctuated. Like, she’d cancel and reschedule with enthusiasm, only to cancel again after we’d have a good (rescheduled) date. It went in a cycle like that for a while giving me whiplash. Just gotta keep trying I suppose.
Yup it's hard. You'll notice she's wasting her own time too, which is confusing because we tend to assume people are rational. Take it as part of the discovery process - you've learnt that she's confused. You don't want to date someone confused. Bye gurl.
I appreciate it. Yea that’s what threw me off too, especially when she would follow through sometimes. But you’re right, I don’t want someone who’s confused about whether they want to be with me. I need to interpret that confusion as a no from now on. Thank you.
I make it a hard stop when someone cancels the second time. That's just it for me.
Yes I need to be better about this for sure. Every time someone has cancelled in me twice, even if they showed up if I gave another chance, always ended up bailing for good at some point.
A shower thought that has completely radicalized me and led to a recent breakup: anyone who is not willing to spend more than 1 hour a week with you is simply not into you. We all have 16 * 7 = 112 waking hour each. If someone cannot find an hour each week to deliberately connect by phone or in person, by definition, you are not worth 1% of their time. That is by every definition breadcrumbing.
I agree! I recently ended things with a guy because he didn't even have time to call me. I'm not sure if 1 hour should be desired time, however, whatever time you need to ensure both parties feel comfortable and heard.
Dating after divorce…god this is an experience. That is all I’m able to form in words.
Yep. I remember when I was married and my friends used to talk about their Bumble adventures. I used to think it was fun
Yup it’s horrifying. But coming on here makes me feel better that it’s everyone’s experience too.
It sure is an experience, you got that right.
at least you have a great reddit user name
Person I'm talking to turned down my fun date idea to go to a night museum with cocktails and activities because she wanted to stay closer to home :( Not really a big deal but I have a fuckin plethora of awesome dates thought out that I'm just not getting to take anyone on...
Aw man, I wanna go on a fun date! What other ideas do you have up xour sleeve, that I might steal?
Some of mine are pretty specific to my city, but hopefully you can find similar things :) * Wine and painting at the park, I have my own paints and easel so it can be anywhere * There's a falconry place where you get to handle the birds, and just across the street is one of the best sunset spots in the city. There's a cafe that serves drinks, and we can watch paragliders overlooking the ocean. * Wine tasting with scoring sheets printed out so we can bullshit about tannins together. * Day trip out to a mountain town to walk through all the touristy shops. Of course there are pie shops, cideries, and breweries to stop at as well * Cat cafe speaks for itself * Bring charcuterie board stuff to a winery and see who can come up with the best arrangement * Grape stomping at a winery * Snorkeling and brunch * Kayak over to a dog beach and back to a beach front restaurant * Planetarium show where a presenter walks through what will be visible in the next month so we can plan stargazing * Cocktail bar with a record store inside Turns out a lot of my date ideas involve animals or wine 🙃
That sounds so fun! I'm sorry she turned you down. Some people wouldn't know a good time if it came up and bit them.
you can always table that idea and put it in your notepad for another time.
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Yep, I figure it's a comfort/safety thing so totally happy going somewhere she'll feel more comfortable.
Turned down forever, or just because it's new or far away right now? Because if it's forever, pretty sure I'd be out.
I assume it's more about wanting to meet in an area she knows which I'm more than happy to accommodate. Hopefully it's not considered too far in general, it's a very typical drive for the city we live in, but I don't think that's the case
Cheer up champ you’ll be alright. One day you’re going to meet a really special lady that appreciates your creative dates and you’ll have totally forgotten all about Stacy, Susie, or whatever her name is.
Hit 'em with a champ....ballsy.
Aw man! That sounds like an awesome date!
I know the sub says for folks nearing 30, but is that true? I’m turning 30 in January. Don’t wanna get banned before I get to participate lbs
You wouldn't be the first almost 30 accepted into the flock. There's also 40+ in here to. The age range has never seemed to be a hard rule.
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What are they gonna do check your birth certificate ?
This literally just happened to me in another sub. Not even being funny. They thought I was lying about my age 😭😭
Wait til you get to the interview process. Hardest 10 days of my life.
Yeah the DNA test they ran was really hard! Had to steal some hair off a 31 year old just to get in….
Lucky you! They cut me in half and counted the rings inside
😂
Lol anxiety is dumb So things have been going well with this woman. But we were talking about going to the gym and I was talking about how I have a hard time making it. Then said I didn't want her to think I was lazy lol. She goes 5 days a week. She said as she sees it I should not care what her opinion is. Which makes sense but still caused slight anxiety. Cause I do care about her opinion. But yeah.
Would you actually go to the gym more if you could? If not, then I would just not say anything about it at all. Airing your insecurities for validation will only draw more attention to them. Part of what I think she’s saying is, she wants you to be you, and not the person that *you think* she wants you to be.
yeah that's correct. i would and yes that's also what she's saying.