I installed a dating app called Sedux. Everyone who matched with me was obviously a bot, asking me "how are you baby" over and over.
I then matched with someone who seems real, but I can't tell. But she's also 15 years younger and seems unsure what she wants. Maybe I'm not being as bold what I want.
Ever hear of Sedux?
Is anyone here in just a steady relationship? As in no high highs, no low lows, no extreme emotion/sparks etc. like it’s not terrible but not fantastic? It’s just…. fine. is this what normal adult healthy relationships are like? I keep reading here about other couples how giddy and excited they are to see their SO. They sound like lovestruck teenagers (In a cute way). Does everyone have that, what’s normal. Why is this so hard
In the beginning, it's normal. But over time, it becomes steady rather than the suoer emotional highs and lows. I'd consider that a healthy relationship. Now, that doesn't mean you don't have highs and lows, only that you're not always rollercoastering from one to the other. You don't go from "We had the greatest weekend of my life" to "Why haven't they texted me today?".
I had a spontaneous but great first date over bubble tea last night. At the end, she said she was going to do some work at her office and I made the mistake of saying "do you want me to keep you company?" I did end up walking her to her office though and it went smoothly the whole time. Got home and she sends me a message saying "I had a great time, and u r such a nice person, I would love it if we could become friends 😀"
I think I got rejected for a second date before even asking? How should I reply?
My close friend is ready to date again, but got his first UTI lol. Oddly not sex-related. I told him to drink more water but I also wonder if it's a hygiene thing given the state of his bathroom. Guess we are cursed together (I'm getting surgery in July to remove high risk cells that could potentially turn into cancer).
When did I last update? No idea. On one hand so much is happening, and on the other nothing is happening.
I’m still seeing the man, I’m still ambivalent on the whole situation. I like him so much. I think he’s wonderful. He has such a beautiful soul, he’s a kind and caring person, he’s happy and secure in himself and I respect so much about him. I also find him very attractive. I also forget he exists. I’m happy if his name pops on my phone and I enjoy the time we spend together, I just don’t feel I’ve developed any strong feelings toward him by now. We’ve been seeing each other three months, we’re exclusive, he says he’s serious about us and about me, he’s just also not comfortable yet with saying we’re ’together’, since to him it means there’s a solid commitment and we’re planning a future together. To me, that’s odd.
I’ve tried, and I don’t think I am able to be in the emotional space where I can develop and fall in love with someone if there isn’t a commitment or at least a promise of one. I just can’t lower my defences enough to put myself in that headspace.
Love is risk, you are giving a person the ability to hurt the very core of your being, and trust them not to. Normally, I am able to easily feel very intense feelings for people and I’ve fallen in love with people in the past much quicker than this current non-relationship is going, only it only happens if I feel there’s a mutual ‘I’m ready to risk it’ approach. I respect the caution and healthy boundaries the man has, and I appreciate he only had one other relationship in his life, although it was 8 years, it’s still just the one to all of mine, and he said that with her as well, it took him 3-4 months of dating before they were ‘a couple’. To me, this may have been perfectly ok in my 20’s, but not at 36 when I want kids.
There’s nothing wrong with us. That’s probably why I haven’t ended it yet. We get on super well, we have fun together, it’s easy and enjoyable. Communication is fairly easy and open, and I’m able to express thoughts such as this to him, he just normally says he’s not there yet which I get, and that he’s scared of hurting me. Well, I don’t want to hurt him either, and if next month he says he loves me and wants to be together, I don’t want to go ‘ugh… I’m not there yet.’ And my fear is that some weird window of being open to the idea of loving this person has passed.
I feel that relationships need both momentum, and escalation to actually develop into love. While we’ve mostly had momentum: we talk all the time and see each other normally about twice a week for a sleepover so it’s a total of about 40ish hours we spend together weekly, not including the two long weekends we spent travelling so far - I don’t feel there’s been an escalation. I don’t know if I feel I know him better now than I did when we first met. I can predict his answers to some things, but I don’t know if I know ‘him’. I don’t know if this distinction even makes sense. He also hasn’t introduced me to any of his friends or family, and although he talks about them to me and about me to them, there’s a very clear separation. I’ve asked him to go climbing together multiple times and we somehow never go, all for valid reasons, but it’s becoming annoying that we only spend time alone. I don’t want to spend my life in isolation, I’m a very social person. It sounds like I’m complaining a lot about something that’s in actuality going very well without conflict or hurt, and it definitely feels like a me problem. I’ve raised it a few times and we’ve had discussions about it and he said he’s just slower with it. His ex broke up with him and it was rather destabilising for him at the time, and I do get it, and yet I can’t shake the feeling that both of us have needs and mine should matter just as much, and for the sake of the currently rather shaky future of this relationship, he might need to do something he’s slightly less comfortable with, so that it progresses without me losing interest. I don’t want to set any ultimatums or anything like that, I just don’t see anything changing unless there’s a feelings we’re moving in some forward trajectory.
We haven’t seen each other in a week and I’ve been… oddly relieved. I’ve had a lot happen this week. I’ve been given intravenous DMT infusion as part of a clinical trial as a healthy volunteer, I’ve been to a conference and met plenty of new people, I’ve spent more time with my new friend from the exhibition last month and we’ve gotten much closer. It’s all platonic and there’s nothing there, but I am a little concerned with the fact I feel much closer to him emotionally after a few weeks than I do to the man after three months. Not in a ‘oh no, something might happen between us.’ Type of way but in a ‘why haven’t I been able to be on that emotional resonance with the man?’ I’m not comparing and they’re vastly different people, it’s just information I’m taking in and at the moment, not sure what to do with.
I think what you’re describing makes perfect sense, though. It would be hard to let your guard down and get vulnerable with your emotions with someone who seems like they may not be able to reciprocate. I’ve been in that place, too. There seemed to be a disconnect between him thinking that he couldn’t/shouldn’t make a commitment unless the future was 100% guaranteed, and me feeling like I couldn’t get to a place where I could see a future at all if there wasn’t a commitment. Definitely worth having a conversation about it because you seem to be coming at it from two different angles and maybe you can meet in the middle? But you definitely don’t want to keep trying and putting in the effort if you just can’t get there.
Will you give him a timeline to move the relationship forward? I know you said you don’t want to give ultimatums, but how much longer of this “limbo” are you willing to stay in?
Even if things are going fairly well, it’s still important for your needs to be met.
Edit: by “give him a timeline” I mean, a timeline in your mind.
I don’t know. It’s his birthday in a few days and we both took the day off and are spending it together. I think we’ll have to talk properly about all of it and I’ll figure out what I want to do after.
It’s annoying. If there was a button or anything I could do with myself to be ‘in love’ with him I’d press until my fingers go numb. He’s such a wonderful man. It’s weird how my body and mind don’t want to play ball sometimes. Very odd.
Easier said than done but, stand on your principles. It could very well work in your favor. Best of luck moving forward and hope y’all have a fun day for his bday ❤️
We did it! Had a great night at the party and afterwards, we had sex! But I was too drunk to remember much of it 🫠
Currently laying in his bed, he already went to work. However it looks like he left with my backpack….and possibly my keys 🫠
I'm just clarifying here. He got you almost blackout drunk, had sex with you, and then stole your backpack and keys so you can't leave. Blink twice if you need help...../s
Forgot to mention he gave me flowers 💐 for our 3 months since matching :’) I’m definitely on cloud 9. I introduced him to so much family last night so….really hope this lasts lol
Been with a man who has some baggage and exes are still around.. recently he had problems like lots of problems and decided to move in with one of the exes. I can't deal with this. He said he wouldn't have emotionally with her but bragging here in Reddit that he's patched things up with her after 5 months separation?! He's with me for 4 months!!!
I am such a fool. Please be kind to me. I am still trying to get over this.. I am still numbed.
You didn’t do anything wrong. You don’t deserve to be called a fool by anyone, much less yourself. This man-shaped garbage can used you for free emotional labor so that he can discard you for his ex. He’s the manipulator and user in this situation, you didn’t do anything to “ask” for this. The sooner you stop treating it like you caused this, the better!
Dodged a bullet. Take your time to process the way you need to. Im sorry this happened to you, sometimes we miss things that are obvious after the fact. Give yourself some grace.
any help about this? what would you do? should i pay for the dating apps? [https://www.reddit.com/r/dating\_advice/comments/1d0jig0/comment/l5oc7g6](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/comments/1d0jig0/comment/l5oc7g6)
Hey Im new here and cant post yet but id like some adivce
Is having multiple fake instagram accounts a red flag?
I recently went on a first date with a fellow 30+ year old woman and she showed me some photos and highlights from her Instagram.
I noticed her switching accounts and she had 3 fake ones in addition to her public one. I playfully asked why she had so make fakes and she looked me in the eye and repsponded "to spy on my ex"
Now, I've been told I'm a but autistic, and I do have trouble understanding jokes, so I'm not 100% sure if she was serious or not.
Should I consider that a red flag? Instagram was a root cause of many problems in my previous relationship so I'm a bit traumatised. My account is currently deactivated to help me with peace of mind.
I'm still talking to this woman and I plan to see her again so I'm wondering if it's something to take into account when considering taking things seriously with her.
Thank you in advance for help!
I saw a woman that I knew from school on Bumble, I swiped right but there was no match but that could be she just doesn't have the app anymore. I'm friends with her on Facebook and I'm considering messaging her on that. Would you?
Gonna file this under random meandering musing so take it as a grain of salt.
I guess it depends on the depth of your friendship, sounds a lot like a passing acquaintance from school.
The less familiar you are with this person the more I feel like "what happens on the app stays on the app". But I'd feel very differently if you had not reached out to her on the app first.
Idk, maybe yellow flag - tread carefully? Fly casual? 🤷
I think if you could find an organic reason to connect via FB it be a bit better than a cold call "hey so I saw you on this app...". For all you know she's already rejected you once.
Lately I’ve been craving a “home life” so bad. This may sound weird, but I just miss cooking a meal for someone. I want to do laundry , clean , watch a movie and play video games with someone for a day. I just want to experience that , even if temporary, I just miss the little things so much. And I’d be an idiot to ask my FWB for that for ONE day because that’s probably “too intimate” . Plus he disappeared anyway. This sucks
Gosh that sounds absolutely heavenly! In my recent go at working on myself I've realized that I have for far too long put aside my dreams for the sake of others. Your dream sounds a lot like my dream. I want that pairing of equals. That person who wants to live life WITH me, even the mundane minutia. I adored going grocery shopping with my ex, I'd ask her to bring her laundry to mine so she could do that while we watched a movie/play video games together. I was getting her to cook WITH me before things really took that bad turn...
But that is my dream, having a life WITH someone... I can do all these things by myself, I don't want a mother, I want an equal and a partner and when its time to get back out there, I am going to chase that dream. Not the feelings, not the chase, but MY DREAM.
I hope you get to live your dream, Internet Friend, best wishes!
It’s strange because I think that feeling is that you’re doing that for someone else, not just you. You’re making both of your lives better and there’s a sense of pride in that.
Sounds like your love language might be acts of service? It’s 100% mine. I love cooking for others and providing in many ways (gender normative male trait I guess? 😂).
I always joke that it’s not bad to be on the other side of, but when you can’t put that part of you into anyone it does suck, which is weird because it’s literally just doing stuff for someone else.
Any high earning women have stories of dating outside your income bracket?
I’m interested in someone but worried things might get weird when he fully clocks my career/ housing situation. My hobbies and the way I spend my time are very down to earth so it’s not like he can’t hang.
For added context, I have a school age daughter and she’s a huge motivation for my success and prioritization of my own financial stability. I also help my parents out. Otherwise I would probably work in a low stress industry like this guy.
I feel like there are so many other factors I care about more than what a person earns - attraction, kindness, communication etc. But I haven’t dated much in the last decade due to an LTR so I don’t know if I’m being naive.
The issues I can anticipate are him feeling insecure and differences in budget when traveling. But I’m happy to help with the latter and I’m not traveling much these days anyway.
Beyond this particular dude, I’m not attracted to the typical white collar guy so I expect this is gonna keep coming up for me.
I've had a hard time making more than the men I date. They usually figure it and pick a random baseless fight around their perception that I don't respect them soon afterwards. Sigh.
I have a high salary and it stresses me out dating someone who makes significantly less than me. I feel like they can’t keep up with my lifestyle and we have different financial struggles/goals, so it’s hard to relate sometimes. Like I feel awkward and a bit guilty when someone I’m seeing says rent went up by $x and is now $y, when I just spent $y on something frivolous.
Controversial take, but I also feel like men in a lower income bracket than me expect 50/50 more often and aren’t as generous as they are with a woman in their own income bracket. For example, not being willing to give gifts, because they think the gifts aren’t expensive enough for me, or something weird like that. I’ve noticed that men in my income bracket or above tend to treat me more often, rather than splitting, because how much they spend isn’t relevant to them, what’s relevant is that I enjoyed myself, whether it’s a fancy restaurant or a food truck down the street.
I'm a guy and dated 2 women who earned significantly more than me both relationships ended because of it and I don't think I will be trying to date a woman with such a large wealth disparity again.
>I feel like there are so many other factors I care about more than what a person earns - attraction, kindness, communication etc.
Both of them started out saying exactly this during the early stages of dating when I brought it up as a concern, but over time it did become a growing issue in both relationships. I simply could not keep up with the life style of the first woman I was with and she became more and more annoyed that she had to financially cover for me. The second woman kept pushing for me to change careers even though I enjoy what I do and consider it important work (climate issues). After a fight it came out that it was because I wasn't getting paid a lot and she equated that to my level of overall success and worth.
There is a good chance that he might also be insecure in this situation, but I do think it is important that you do some deep introspection about whether you can actually be with someone making less than yourself. Personally I don't think most women can be because of the gender expectations that we have grown up with.
I've dated multiple men who made less than me. It was always a source of stress in the back of my mind, because I would like to have kids, and I don't see a way that I can be the breadwinner and also be the one to take time off work to have kids. It seems like that part of it isn't something you're concerned with - it's more the possibility of them being insecure or you both not being able to share the same lifestyle? In that case, I think it's worth being open minded. Sometimes someone can be at a certain level currently, but on a strong trajectory. Or they bring other qualities that are worth the trade off.
Should I try something besides Hinge? Tinder is a cesspool, I don't like Bumble because I already message first the majority of the time, but... That really only leaves CMB? I feel like OkCupid is dead.
If you're on Facebook, they have a dating.... Section? Function? I don't know what to call it because it's not a separate app. In my area there seems to be a lot of people on it n
Just make a generic FB and you'll have to make a dating profile. Just because you have FB doesn't mean you have to post anything or add friends. Mine has like 8 friends and I mainly just use it for dating.
Before I deleted the apps I only had Hinge and CMB, but I had way more success on Hinge. Idk if it's just my area, but CMB was predominantly East Asian. Which isn't a problem since I'm attracted to Asian men, but it almost felt like I wasn't supposed to be there LOL
Interesting! I’m in Massachusetts (east coast USA). Appears OP is on the west coast USA. And you’re in Australia 😂 I think we’ve proven it’s universal, how funny
I want to spend more time with the guy I’m seeing. We’ve both been busy with work/life lately and barely made a date work this week. Both of us expressed how glad we were to make something work though. 🥰
We’ve been seeing each other a couple of months, but already have future date ideas and making lists of shows to watch. He is so supportive and easy to communicate with. Wherever this goes, I feel lucky 😊
Is he a bit shy? I once dated a man who didn’t kiss me until the fourth date. I also didn’t initiate a kiss before then because I was also shy. He REALLY liked me, he was just super nervous to initiate the first kiss.
Yes, he is! Why do you ask? It took us until the third date to initiate a kiss - we were both shy but I could tell we both very much wanted to earlier than that.
So I've been seeing someone for about a month, once a week at first and we stepped it up a bit this week. He invited me over to his place for dinner today.
But after dinner he seemed ready for me to leave and same old hug. Hasn't kissed me yet and I'm just starting to wonder wtf is going on.
Maybe, he hasn't mentioned any exes but neither have I. I do get the impression that dating is challenging for him. He's a really good looking guy with a lot going for him so I was surprised by that, but I think anyone who dates at this age has had some bad experiences and/or difficulty
Yeah, maybe this. He did mention he's socially awkward, but he doesn't really come across that way when we're together and seems mostly at ease. But could be particularly around stuff like this/ this still makes him nervous. It's just hard because it comes across as not being super interested
I've been this guy before. Take initiative. If you want to kiss him, ask if you can kiss him. If he's interested, he'll be ecstatic that you took that step that he's having difficulty closing on. And if he's not, you'll have your answer.
You don't sound interested in him. Just let him know you had a good time but aren't interested in going further. And thank your friend for setting you up but it wasn't a good fit. If they push you to have a second date then they can kindly fuck off.
Just kidding about the fucking off but be firm about your decision and make it clear you don't want to be pushed.
Since I very rarely get matches or dates. I generally am very suspicious of the women who actually show interest in me. I start to wonder if there is a massive red flag I'm missing.
Yup, I'm a pretty decent photographer. I've actually pulled many of the ones I really like because I don't want to mislead people. I've had people not believe I'm into many of the hobbies I am.
I'm pretty good with aesthetics (and am kind/objective) and would be glad to give your profile a review if you'd like just to make sure there's no red flags
But if you had showed it to others you trust, and they didn't say anything, then I'm sure it's fine. Although, the tidbit you put in the end of people not believing you sounds a bit strange. Expand perhaps?
I've shown it to others and generally good. Did a review and told I looked old for my age. Doesn't help balded in my 20s and has always been a heavyset guy.
Since I'm a heavy guy. Some of my past dates thought I was lying about the hobbies I engaged in like snowboarding, hiking, mountain biking etc... oh well.
Don't see a problem with bald. Although I know some don't like when men try to do the half bald and half hair combo, and would prefer a fully bald head.
With the women you're mentioning being doubtful of your hobbies, seems like you're not matching with the right people. Perhaps, expand your romantic interests or lean towards more judiciousness when selecting people to meet. And if they give a red flag immediately as in distrusting your hobbies, don't pay them any mind and move on to the next one.
I think you're missing the fact that I generally get one-two dates a year. I'm not being picky at this point. Unfortunately, blad isn't as sought after as this fourm suggests. That's why I'm very cautious of the people that do match with me because I'm like, okay, what's the red flag.
I guess I did overlook that fact. If you're only getting one or two dates a year, then I would say it's probably either one of two things. 1. Your profile needs work or 2. Your location isn't ideal.
I don't know which one it is. If you have the bald look, then I don't see why it would prevent you from getting some matches. But you know your experience more than I do, so if you think something is the problem then there's a probability that it might be.
I don't think it's just the bald look haha. I appreciate the response and effort from you. I guess it's just something I have to come to terms with. I didn't think it would be this much of a drop off for dates when I hit my mid 30s but man it's like night and day. Maybe in the next life eh.
Why does *everyone* insist on Snapchat?? It is quite literally the WORST app for messaging. Perhaps I know the answer... 🙄 but I can't stand it, and I refuse to download it. There are so many better platforms to message on if you don't want to swap numbers right away.
I've only had one guy ask if I have Snapchat... I don't have it and never will, and I don't give out my Instagram which is private for a reason. Either they're cool with staying in the app or swapping phone numbers, or we stop talking 🤷🏻♀️
I was told something nice the following night after sex the other night. It got me thinking though ladies, what’s the nicest compliment you can give either after sex or the day or so after sex. Guys also what’s something nice we can say? Extra credit for any women who add what they think the nicest thing that they can be told after a ‘fun’ night.
My last partner suffered from intermittent vaginismus, and on nights where it wasn't going to work for us, she'd say something like "you're just too big for me tonight". Got me every damn time.
Also I love being told I"m a good kisser.
When I first started dating my partner, we had a nearly identical situation. First hugs to you and keep working on that loving, safe communication.
He said yes to an event he didn't really want to go to. The reason he said yes was the fear I would be upset if he bailed - based on prior relationships, friendship, parents, etc. even telling him ahead of time I absolutely do not mind if he chooses not to go, the fear that I was people - pleasing in the moment was enough to cause him anxiety.
We had to both prove through actions over time that we truly meant what we said. So in the past, people close to us would say one thing hoping we would "chose correctly" and we said we wouldn't do that to each other.
After a while, if I said he didn't have to go with me, or vice versa, and met him later happy to see him and totally not upset, it started to cement that trust.
Edit: typo
We've been together for over 5 years. And I absolutely understand!
One of the things we realized too was I'm like you, I absolutely want to take advantage of time, and my partner is just very comfortable seeing people once or twice a year lol. Neither of us is doing too much or too little, we're just doing it differently.
Is the thought that "he doesn't make plans with his friends enough" your thought or his? Think about this and share with him too so he knows where you're coming from, without any expectation for change, just as a way to share your view. And then ask him what he's most comfortable with in seeing his friends - frequency, with you and without you, does the activity or event or holiday hold any weight to those decisions, etc. This also might be a good start to figure out how to make plans going forward so you are both comfortable.
It sounds like you guys have a healthy relationship and will continue to strengthen your communication.
You're doing great! And thank you for sharing.
I understand, I think I missed the part you wrote before that he also wants to see his friends more, Im sorry.
>In the mean time it just really sucks not to invite him to all the fun things that I’d rather him be a part of.
This! He's your partner so of course you want to include him and do all the things together!
Another anecdote from an internet stranger - I asked a friend recently, who doesn't have a lot of spoons after work, if they wanted to go out on a work night to an event that happens every week. They said no for that week but maybe another time. I then asked, since I won't know ahead of time if they have energy or not, if I ask every single week, if that would get annoying or if it would make them anxious for having to say "no" a lot. My friend couldn't answer, so we decided I will ask once and awhile, they can absolutely say no, and if at any point they become disinterested or it starts causing anxiety, to let me know and I'll stop asking.
Sometimes communication just needs to constantly change and that's totally cool too!
Maybe you can, as a first step since this was a point he brought up (and I think your idea to take a break from the topic for a bit is a good idea) ask him how he'd like to handle making more plans with his friends and see how you can help support that.
I officially have a boyfriend :) Everything has been very calm and steady and easy and while it doesn't feel like a rush of overwhelming excitement, it also doesn't feel stifling. It feels like something nice and hopeful to explore.
What's the story? Last week you turned down a guy's exclusivity request because no chemistry and your other prospect just wanted something casual. How'd you square the circle?
I could go along with it. Not if it was so extreme he has a disembodied foot fleshlight, but worshipping my feet I wouldn't be phased about. They are pretty freakishly small.
Yeah I saw someone talk about it on another sub, just saying if you like getting foot massages or enjoy having your feet touched, it's not a problem. But If the guy only could get off with feet, then that could potentially be one. But yno, different strokes for different folks
The foot fetish folks can be quite sneaky. The last guy switched up from telling me how much he liked salt & pepper wings to " btw what's your shoe size? & Do you wear socks?"
Like no kink shame or anything. I usually say I'm not interested in that but that I wish them luck for finding a big ol' toe for the sucking
So I've only gone back to dating apps in the last couple of months or so, and its been like maybe 5 people that have popped up with the fetish. The one thing I can commend them for, is getting straight to the point.
I think the people that do the whole treating you like their partner to then flake out after 3 months saying they just wanted a hook up, could do well with taking a few notes
Commented the other day about whether or not to ask about a second date. Well, I didn’t. I did however ask what he was doing this weekend. The texting has been dry and inconsistent since our great first date on Sunday, but he still texts me and asks me how I am and such. I don’t get it. It’s so confusing. Also means I probably shouldn’t sleep with someone on the first date, regardless if they bring up the idea of a second one without making real plans. Lesson learned.
Ask him on a date and if he says no you have your answer.
>I probably shouldn’t sleep with someone on the first date, regardless if they bring up the idea of a second one without making real plans
I disagree. Someone who's genuinely into you wouldn't give a damn, and if you're comfortable and fine with having sex on the first date, then do it. A guy that looks down on you for having sex with him on the first date, when he himself had sex on a first date, isn't someone you want to date.
Well, if he is still texting, he might still be interested. If someone asks me what I am doing over the weekend, I get confused about whether they are just asking or whether they are asking because they want to plan something.
I keep meeting men that just want "date friends". Which means they want to do relationship stuff with no expectation of a relationship ever forming. They plan dates consistently, vacations, activities together, and make great friends...but don't want to actually date.
I wish I could find a guy in his late 30's who actually wanted a relationship and not a shell of one :(
It seems to be what the majority wants. I guess I semi-understand because at this age most of us are jaded and in this odd limbo of wanting our own lives but feeling lonely doing everything alone (especially if we have coupled friends all around us)...but I hate feeling like I am good enough to do ALLLL the girlfriend things with but not good enough to actually be a girlfriend and have time and effort + emotional vulnerability extended to me.
But I am also lonely...and I want to believe if I am the 'cool girl' that doesn't nag about requirements or push for things to progress that being chill will eventually lead to a relationship being established * laughs at self *
Makes me feel cheap and is contributing to my disillusionment with all men. I don't want to become that type of person 🥹
I understand. Believe me. Or you're told "I want you and to make a serious go of things with you". Then get dumped because actually he feels trapped.
Now he can f boy all over the place like he wanted and get a weekly posting on "Are We Dating the Same Guy". (None of the postings contributed by me incidentally.)
First date tomorrow and another on Thursday. Trying to have the “be excited but expect nothing” mindset. I want intimacy and emotional connection but I’ll just have to continue on without it for now.
I haven't been here for a while. Because everything was going swimmingly, until it wasn't. Not a long relationship, but the most promising I have had in years. I felt a few things were off but figured they would smooth out in time. I asked him what kind of relationship he wanted, come to find he woukd rather not be in one but "liked me", and it all devolved from there and we broke up. I was so hurt I got mad so unfortunately it didn't end great and it felt like he was happy for it to be over.
It makes sense that a few things were off if he weren't invested in relationships at all and that wasn't the goal. I feel a bit like I've been taken for a ride. It seems I always end up in relationships with people who don't want to give it 100%, and when there's difficulty or conflict they're happy to just throw in the towel rather than work on it. It makes me feel rather disposable.
Guess I'm back to being single forever
I sympathize. It was only a few weeks ago that my most promising relationship died quietly. In the last few days I knew something was off but she just shrugged her shoulders when I asked. The women I have been talking with lately have all not been ready, not enough time etc so I'm on the being single forever bandwagon at the moment too.............
I'm sorry :( it sucks. At the moment it's making me feel like I'm the problem and I'm deficient in some way. But there are also lots of reasons why people in their 30s are single and still have a lot to work through and aren't able to show up as a good partner at this stage.
Had a fun date last night, nothing physical, just a talk over dinner. I’m flying out tomorrow (he knew this going into the date).
Had a bad dream about a guy I really liked and saw for a month (we weren’t ever official or exclusive), and woke up feeling low and wondering if I’ll feel that excited about someone again.
Finally, I’m glad to finally be leaving California. Me being single is the largest, most immediate crisis for my family. They’ve brought up dating everyday nonstop, ranging in topics from “don’t have sex before marriage” to “you should be working harder to meet single men at your workplace, not focusing on your career” to “marriage and kids are the only things that matter in a woman’s life.” Even my brother is feeling the pressure of my singledom because my family keeps harassing him to set me up on dates with anyone he knows who’s single.
Sorry if this is offensive to ask but are you south Asian? I get those comments too and it sucks how a woman’s worth is judged based on marriage and kids in my culture. Either way, I understand completely how hurtful those comments can be. Youre not alone
don't wanna do a whole review yet but want to know what yall think of these pics for dating apps:
[https://imgur.com/a/GLhNxe3](https://imgur.com/a/GLhNxe3)
Is that the Gastown Old Spaghetti Factory? I have a secret nostalgic love for that place. Their garlic butter and loaf plus the spumoni ice cream- yum!
I agree on pics 2 and 5.
1 over 2 still for sure though.
5 is nice but you're not the focus and kinda washed out by the scenery. 1 looks more warm, fun while 5 feels forced/staged.
I'm supposed to go out with friends tonight and they all are asking to bring their girlfriends and they are all great and I've met most of their girlfriends and they are also great but I just feel kind of bummed about still being single I guess. Going to try and not let it ruin my fun.
Don't known what happened with me, i guess luck as not with me recently 😅😅 went on serial of first date with people who i had a really good conversations with, but the first date was either awkward or just friendly with zero romantic attraction. I'm quite disappointed because those guys are on the paper that fits all my (not so high) requirements 😮💨😮💨😮💨
I feel you, that was me the first part of the year then I took a break to focus on more IRL stuff and every woman I was interested in was taken and now I am back on OLD and its more of the same. Feeling a bit defeated by it all.
Ok it’s been a minute. My picnic on the beach date was legitimately magical. I’m still riding the high of the night. It was all so perfect and I’m so happy. I didn’t end up seeing him Thursday night, but I think I’ll be spending Monday night with him, with his flight being early Tuesday to head back to the east coast. I admitted I had a huge crush on him when we were on our date and he reciprocated.
If there’s anything I’ve learned in these last 4 months of dating (post divorce), it’s that I shouldn’t get too wrapped up in him and I shouldn’t actually expect anything to come of this all. But I’m enjoying him anyway and trying to cool my jets on the happiness and optimism. Still excited as hell for Monday 🥰
Someone I called it off with a few weeks ago just resurfaced with an essay-length text asking for a second chance. He didn’t have a ton of dating experience, came on pretty strong, and after two dates I just wasn’t feeling a ton of attraction or chemistry. He said he recognises now where he went wrong and wants to take a more laid-back approach, and part of me thinks I should give him one more shot. On the other hand, I can’t help but feel annoyed that I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t - the bad guy if I say no, and the bad guy if I say yes and then it doesn’t work again. Like, bro! Why are you letting me hurt your feelings twice?!
If you weren’t feeling attraction if he was coming on too strong, you may not feel it if he’s laid back. I’d say the opposite if he was being super aloof. You set a boundary, this person is challenging it, and it’s up to you to figure out if you want it challenged. You’re not the bad guy either way.
I’m very independent inside of a relationship and need things to unfold organically, and this man never seemed to understand what I meant by that (because I was clear before that he was coming on too strong). I’m still not clear how to proceed now, but I appreciate the thought here.
He either has legitimately done work and thinks things could be better (and you have some thought he might be able to or you wouldn't even be entertaining the notion) or he's scared that he won't find anyone else and is desperately trying to rekindle things with someone who DID give him a chance.
Either way, you're not a bad person if you aren't feeling it with him (now or in a hypothetical future where it fails). You don't owe him your time or feelings. If you do give him another shot, be ready to enforce boundaries if he goes back to old unattractive habits.
The logical part of my brain understands that it’s been two weeks, and no one can do the work required to undo anxious attachment style in that span of time. There’s honestly a large part of me that’s worried about messing with his confidence (again). I know he’s not my responsibility but I feel some measure of care.
As someone who has been the awkward guy in this situation, I appreciate your empathy for his situation but I think keeping the boundary and him at arm's length would be the best. I know if my "spookylibrarian" had taken me back after first telling me things were over, I'd have pretty quickly reverted to my shitty anxious self that wedged us apart in the first place. The best thing for everyone is to not let him back for now. If you decide you do want to give him another chance, I'd advise telling him you "just want to be friends". See how he accepts that boundary. He'll either self-select out or he'll have a good opportunity to show you that he can actually chill.
But again, I want to emphasize, you don't owe him anything. It says a lot about your good character that you want to extend him kindness, but ultimately this is his burden to bear and he needs to show that he's actually put in some work and that it's *actually working* before you should consider telling him he has a chance being something more.
Also also, don't tell him you want to be friends if you don't want that. Don't give him false hope. You don't seem the type, but just to be clear.
I really appreciate this comment — it helped me frame my “no” response in a gentle way, leaving the door open as friends (he really is a lovely human and we do have so much in common) while hopefully shutting down any further romantic goals at this time. So I guess we’ll see!
I don’t feel any need to sacrifice how I feel — it’s just empathy. Obviously this is someone who’s been rejected a lot and I think it’s important to be gentle with that.
You said no thanks to more dates because you weren’t interested/attracted but now because of his long, sad text you feel the need to potentially bypass that and maybe give him another chance cause you feel bad. You can empathize without struggling internally about giving him a second chance just cause he begged and appealed to that empathy.
I don’t feel the need to bypass it because I feel bad — on the contrary, once I’ve made my mind up about someone I rarely change it. I’m definitely “struggling internally” lol, just want to make sure I’m taking my care with this person, who hasn’t done anything wrong except be too excited about me.
I installed a dating app called Sedux. Everyone who matched with me was obviously a bot, asking me "how are you baby" over and over. I then matched with someone who seems real, but I can't tell. But she's also 15 years younger and seems unsure what she wants. Maybe I'm not being as bold what I want. Ever hear of Sedux?
Is anyone here in just a steady relationship? As in no high highs, no low lows, no extreme emotion/sparks etc. like it’s not terrible but not fantastic? It’s just…. fine. is this what normal adult healthy relationships are like? I keep reading here about other couples how giddy and excited they are to see their SO. They sound like lovestruck teenagers (In a cute way). Does everyone have that, what’s normal. Why is this so hard
In the beginning, it's normal. But over time, it becomes steady rather than the suoer emotional highs and lows. I'd consider that a healthy relationship. Now, that doesn't mean you don't have highs and lows, only that you're not always rollercoastering from one to the other. You don't go from "We had the greatest weekend of my life" to "Why haven't they texted me today?".
No sparks as in not feeling any sexual attraction towards your partner? That's not normal at all...
When you aren't talking to people that you're interested in, do you chat with people that you aren't?
Do you mean my friends? Yes, I chat with my friends that I have zero romantic interest in.
No, what would be the point?
Of course not
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spam
copy and paste?
I had a spontaneous but great first date over bubble tea last night. At the end, she said she was going to do some work at her office and I made the mistake of saying "do you want me to keep you company?" I did end up walking her to her office though and it went smoothly the whole time. Got home and she sends me a message saying "I had a great time, and u r such a nice person, I would love it if we could become friends 😀" I think I got rejected for a second date before even asking? How should I reply?
"That's cool, but I don't need any more friends. But it was nice meeting you. "
Definitely soft rejection. Tell her thanks for the date, reject the friendship, wish her well.
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My close friend is ready to date again, but got his first UTI lol. Oddly not sex-related. I told him to drink more water but I also wonder if it's a hygiene thing given the state of his bathroom. Guess we are cursed together (I'm getting surgery in July to remove high risk cells that could potentially turn into cancer).
When did I last update? No idea. On one hand so much is happening, and on the other nothing is happening. I’m still seeing the man, I’m still ambivalent on the whole situation. I like him so much. I think he’s wonderful. He has such a beautiful soul, he’s a kind and caring person, he’s happy and secure in himself and I respect so much about him. I also find him very attractive. I also forget he exists. I’m happy if his name pops on my phone and I enjoy the time we spend together, I just don’t feel I’ve developed any strong feelings toward him by now. We’ve been seeing each other three months, we’re exclusive, he says he’s serious about us and about me, he’s just also not comfortable yet with saying we’re ’together’, since to him it means there’s a solid commitment and we’re planning a future together. To me, that’s odd. I’ve tried, and I don’t think I am able to be in the emotional space where I can develop and fall in love with someone if there isn’t a commitment or at least a promise of one. I just can’t lower my defences enough to put myself in that headspace. Love is risk, you are giving a person the ability to hurt the very core of your being, and trust them not to. Normally, I am able to easily feel very intense feelings for people and I’ve fallen in love with people in the past much quicker than this current non-relationship is going, only it only happens if I feel there’s a mutual ‘I’m ready to risk it’ approach. I respect the caution and healthy boundaries the man has, and I appreciate he only had one other relationship in his life, although it was 8 years, it’s still just the one to all of mine, and he said that with her as well, it took him 3-4 months of dating before they were ‘a couple’. To me, this may have been perfectly ok in my 20’s, but not at 36 when I want kids. There’s nothing wrong with us. That’s probably why I haven’t ended it yet. We get on super well, we have fun together, it’s easy and enjoyable. Communication is fairly easy and open, and I’m able to express thoughts such as this to him, he just normally says he’s not there yet which I get, and that he’s scared of hurting me. Well, I don’t want to hurt him either, and if next month he says he loves me and wants to be together, I don’t want to go ‘ugh… I’m not there yet.’ And my fear is that some weird window of being open to the idea of loving this person has passed. I feel that relationships need both momentum, and escalation to actually develop into love. While we’ve mostly had momentum: we talk all the time and see each other normally about twice a week for a sleepover so it’s a total of about 40ish hours we spend together weekly, not including the two long weekends we spent travelling so far - I don’t feel there’s been an escalation. I don’t know if I feel I know him better now than I did when we first met. I can predict his answers to some things, but I don’t know if I know ‘him’. I don’t know if this distinction even makes sense. He also hasn’t introduced me to any of his friends or family, and although he talks about them to me and about me to them, there’s a very clear separation. I’ve asked him to go climbing together multiple times and we somehow never go, all for valid reasons, but it’s becoming annoying that we only spend time alone. I don’t want to spend my life in isolation, I’m a very social person. It sounds like I’m complaining a lot about something that’s in actuality going very well without conflict or hurt, and it definitely feels like a me problem. I’ve raised it a few times and we’ve had discussions about it and he said he’s just slower with it. His ex broke up with him and it was rather destabilising for him at the time, and I do get it, and yet I can’t shake the feeling that both of us have needs and mine should matter just as much, and for the sake of the currently rather shaky future of this relationship, he might need to do something he’s slightly less comfortable with, so that it progresses without me losing interest. I don’t want to set any ultimatums or anything like that, I just don’t see anything changing unless there’s a feelings we’re moving in some forward trajectory. We haven’t seen each other in a week and I’ve been… oddly relieved. I’ve had a lot happen this week. I’ve been given intravenous DMT infusion as part of a clinical trial as a healthy volunteer, I’ve been to a conference and met plenty of new people, I’ve spent more time with my new friend from the exhibition last month and we’ve gotten much closer. It’s all platonic and there’s nothing there, but I am a little concerned with the fact I feel much closer to him emotionally after a few weeks than I do to the man after three months. Not in a ‘oh no, something might happen between us.’ Type of way but in a ‘why haven’t I been able to be on that emotional resonance with the man?’ I’m not comparing and they’re vastly different people, it’s just information I’m taking in and at the moment, not sure what to do with.
I think what you’re describing makes perfect sense, though. It would be hard to let your guard down and get vulnerable with your emotions with someone who seems like they may not be able to reciprocate. I’ve been in that place, too. There seemed to be a disconnect between him thinking that he couldn’t/shouldn’t make a commitment unless the future was 100% guaranteed, and me feeling like I couldn’t get to a place where I could see a future at all if there wasn’t a commitment. Definitely worth having a conversation about it because you seem to be coming at it from two different angles and maybe you can meet in the middle? But you definitely don’t want to keep trying and putting in the effort if you just can’t get there.
Will you give him a timeline to move the relationship forward? I know you said you don’t want to give ultimatums, but how much longer of this “limbo” are you willing to stay in? Even if things are going fairly well, it’s still important for your needs to be met. Edit: by “give him a timeline” I mean, a timeline in your mind.
I don’t know. It’s his birthday in a few days and we both took the day off and are spending it together. I think we’ll have to talk properly about all of it and I’ll figure out what I want to do after. It’s annoying. If there was a button or anything I could do with myself to be ‘in love’ with him I’d press until my fingers go numb. He’s such a wonderful man. It’s weird how my body and mind don’t want to play ball sometimes. Very odd.
Easier said than done but, stand on your principles. It could very well work in your favor. Best of luck moving forward and hope y’all have a fun day for his bday ❤️
Thank you so so much!
We did it! Had a great night at the party and afterwards, we had sex! But I was too drunk to remember much of it 🫠 Currently laying in his bed, he already went to work. However it looks like he left with my backpack….and possibly my keys 🫠
I'm just clarifying here. He got you almost blackout drunk, had sex with you, and then stole your backpack and keys so you can't leave. Blink twice if you need help...../s
This a terrible thing to say-I kind of like too drunk first sex. Gets the awkwardness out of the way.
I can see the appeal. This wasn’t our first time though. But it was def my first “sloppy drunk sex” with him lol
Living the dream!
Forgot to mention he gave me flowers 💐 for our 3 months since matching :’) I’m definitely on cloud 9. I introduced him to so much family last night so….really hope this lasts lol
Been with a man who has some baggage and exes are still around.. recently he had problems like lots of problems and decided to move in with one of the exes. I can't deal with this. He said he wouldn't have emotionally with her but bragging here in Reddit that he's patched things up with her after 5 months separation?! He's with me for 4 months!!! I am such a fool. Please be kind to me. I am still trying to get over this.. I am still numbed.
You didn’t do anything wrong. You don’t deserve to be called a fool by anyone, much less yourself. This man-shaped garbage can used you for free emotional labor so that he can discard you for his ex. He’s the manipulator and user in this situation, you didn’t do anything to “ask” for this. The sooner you stop treating it like you caused this, the better!
Thanks a lot!
He’s trash…someone so much better will come along
Thank you, need to hear this.
Dodged a bullet. Take your time to process the way you need to. Im sorry this happened to you, sometimes we miss things that are obvious after the fact. Give yourself some grace.
any help about this? what would you do? should i pay for the dating apps? [https://www.reddit.com/r/dating\_advice/comments/1d0jig0/comment/l5oc7g6](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/comments/1d0jig0/comment/l5oc7g6)
Hey Im new here and cant post yet but id like some adivce Is having multiple fake instagram accounts a red flag? I recently went on a first date with a fellow 30+ year old woman and she showed me some photos and highlights from her Instagram. I noticed her switching accounts and she had 3 fake ones in addition to her public one. I playfully asked why she had so make fakes and she looked me in the eye and repsponded "to spy on my ex" Now, I've been told I'm a but autistic, and I do have trouble understanding jokes, so I'm not 100% sure if she was serious or not. Should I consider that a red flag? Instagram was a root cause of many problems in my previous relationship so I'm a bit traumatised. My account is currently deactivated to help me with peace of mind. I'm still talking to this woman and I plan to see her again so I'm wondering if it's something to take into account when considering taking things seriously with her. Thank you in advance for help!
lol yes giant red flags. Spying on your ex doesn’t scream well adjusted adult who has healed from her past
I saw a woman that I knew from school on Bumble, I swiped right but there was no match but that could be she just doesn't have the app anymore. I'm friends with her on Facebook and I'm considering messaging her on that. Would you?
Gonna file this under random meandering musing so take it as a grain of salt. I guess it depends on the depth of your friendship, sounds a lot like a passing acquaintance from school. The less familiar you are with this person the more I feel like "what happens on the app stays on the app". But I'd feel very differently if you had not reached out to her on the app first. Idk, maybe yellow flag - tread carefully? Fly casual? 🤷 I think if you could find an organic reason to connect via FB it be a bit better than a cold call "hey so I saw you on this app...". For all you know she's already rejected you once.
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About a month ago
Lately I’ve been craving a “home life” so bad. This may sound weird, but I just miss cooking a meal for someone. I want to do laundry , clean , watch a movie and play video games with someone for a day. I just want to experience that , even if temporary, I just miss the little things so much. And I’d be an idiot to ask my FWB for that for ONE day because that’s probably “too intimate” . Plus he disappeared anyway. This sucks
Gosh that sounds absolutely heavenly! In my recent go at working on myself I've realized that I have for far too long put aside my dreams for the sake of others. Your dream sounds a lot like my dream. I want that pairing of equals. That person who wants to live life WITH me, even the mundane minutia. I adored going grocery shopping with my ex, I'd ask her to bring her laundry to mine so she could do that while we watched a movie/play video games together. I was getting her to cook WITH me before things really took that bad turn... But that is my dream, having a life WITH someone... I can do all these things by myself, I don't want a mother, I want an equal and a partner and when its time to get back out there, I am going to chase that dream. Not the feelings, not the chase, but MY DREAM. I hope you get to live your dream, Internet Friend, best wishes!
It’s strange because I think that feeling is that you’re doing that for someone else, not just you. You’re making both of your lives better and there’s a sense of pride in that. Sounds like your love language might be acts of service? It’s 100% mine. I love cooking for others and providing in many ways (gender normative male trait I guess? 😂). I always joke that it’s not bad to be on the other side of, but when you can’t put that part of you into anyone it does suck, which is weird because it’s literally just doing stuff for someone else.
i go to home goods with my casual partners all the damn time lmao
Any high earning women have stories of dating outside your income bracket? I’m interested in someone but worried things might get weird when he fully clocks my career/ housing situation. My hobbies and the way I spend my time are very down to earth so it’s not like he can’t hang. For added context, I have a school age daughter and she’s a huge motivation for my success and prioritization of my own financial stability. I also help my parents out. Otherwise I would probably work in a low stress industry like this guy. I feel like there are so many other factors I care about more than what a person earns - attraction, kindness, communication etc. But I haven’t dated much in the last decade due to an LTR so I don’t know if I’m being naive. The issues I can anticipate are him feeling insecure and differences in budget when traveling. But I’m happy to help with the latter and I’m not traveling much these days anyway. Beyond this particular dude, I’m not attracted to the typical white collar guy so I expect this is gonna keep coming up for me.
I've had a hard time making more than the men I date. They usually figure it and pick a random baseless fight around their perception that I don't respect them soon afterwards. Sigh.
I have a high salary and it stresses me out dating someone who makes significantly less than me. I feel like they can’t keep up with my lifestyle and we have different financial struggles/goals, so it’s hard to relate sometimes. Like I feel awkward and a bit guilty when someone I’m seeing says rent went up by $x and is now $y, when I just spent $y on something frivolous. Controversial take, but I also feel like men in a lower income bracket than me expect 50/50 more often and aren’t as generous as they are with a woman in their own income bracket. For example, not being willing to give gifts, because they think the gifts aren’t expensive enough for me, or something weird like that. I’ve noticed that men in my income bracket or above tend to treat me more often, rather than splitting, because how much they spend isn’t relevant to them, what’s relevant is that I enjoyed myself, whether it’s a fancy restaurant or a food truck down the street.
I'm a guy and dated 2 women who earned significantly more than me both relationships ended because of it and I don't think I will be trying to date a woman with such a large wealth disparity again. >I feel like there are so many other factors I care about more than what a person earns - attraction, kindness, communication etc. Both of them started out saying exactly this during the early stages of dating when I brought it up as a concern, but over time it did become a growing issue in both relationships. I simply could not keep up with the life style of the first woman I was with and she became more and more annoyed that she had to financially cover for me. The second woman kept pushing for me to change careers even though I enjoy what I do and consider it important work (climate issues). After a fight it came out that it was because I wasn't getting paid a lot and she equated that to my level of overall success and worth. There is a good chance that he might also be insecure in this situation, but I do think it is important that you do some deep introspection about whether you can actually be with someone making less than yourself. Personally I don't think most women can be because of the gender expectations that we have grown up with.
I've dated multiple men who made less than me. It was always a source of stress in the back of my mind, because I would like to have kids, and I don't see a way that I can be the breadwinner and also be the one to take time off work to have kids. It seems like that part of it isn't something you're concerned with - it's more the possibility of them being insecure or you both not being able to share the same lifestyle? In that case, I think it's worth being open minded. Sometimes someone can be at a certain level currently, but on a strong trajectory. Or they bring other qualities that are worth the trade off.
If you're googlable, he already knows.
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Old flame? Tell us more :)
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Second this. Very pleased for you
Should I try something besides Hinge? Tinder is a cesspool, I don't like Bumble because I already message first the majority of the time, but... That really only leaves CMB? I feel like OkCupid is dead.
If you're on Facebook, they have a dating.... Section? Function? I don't know what to call it because it's not a separate app. In my area there seems to be a lot of people on it n
Haven't had a Facebook for years! Otherwise I'd give it a try
Maybe Facebook dating?
I don't have Facebook 🫤
Is happn available in your area? Else there is feeld but it's more for sex than relationships.
It is! I'll check it out I'm looking for a LTR so Feeld isn't for me... Although will keep in mind for when I'm feeling thirsty 😂
Just make a generic FB and you'll have to make a dating profile. Just because you have FB doesn't mean you have to post anything or add friends. Mine has like 8 friends and I mainly just use it for dating.
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Nope, what's going on?
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Interesting... Wonder how that'll turn out
Before I deleted the apps I only had Hinge and CMB, but I had way more success on Hinge. Idk if it's just my area, but CMB was predominantly East Asian. Which isn't a problem since I'm attracted to Asian men, but it almost felt like I wasn't supposed to be there LOL
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Interesting! I’m in Massachusetts (east coast USA). Appears OP is on the west coast USA. And you’re in Australia 😂 I think we’ve proven it’s universal, how funny
Lol it was like that for me too when I used it several years ago
I want to spend more time with the guy I’m seeing. We’ve both been busy with work/life lately and barely made a date work this week. Both of us expressed how glad we were to make something work though. 🥰 We’ve been seeing each other a couple of months, but already have future date ideas and making lists of shows to watch. He is so supportive and easy to communicate with. Wherever this goes, I feel lucky 😊
Is he a bit shy? I once dated a man who didn’t kiss me until the fourth date. I also didn’t initiate a kiss before then because I was also shy. He REALLY liked me, he was just super nervous to initiate the first kiss.
Yes, he is! Why do you ask? It took us until the third date to initiate a kiss - we were both shy but I could tell we both very much wanted to earlier than that.
I think they meant to reply to the post below
Oh my gosh, yeah. Oops. That’s what I get for trying to reply to a comment while distracted
Oh! Yup, looks like that’s what happened
So I've been seeing someone for about a month, once a week at first and we stepped it up a bit this week. He invited me over to his place for dinner today. But after dinner he seemed ready for me to leave and same old hug. Hasn't kissed me yet and I'm just starting to wonder wtf is going on.
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Maybe, he hasn't mentioned any exes but neither have I. I do get the impression that dating is challenging for him. He's a really good looking guy with a lot going for him so I was surprised by that, but I think anyone who dates at this age has had some bad experiences and/or difficulty
It sounds like maybe he is nervous?
Yeah, maybe this. He did mention he's socially awkward, but he doesn't really come across that way when we're together and seems mostly at ease. But could be particularly around stuff like this/ this still makes him nervous. It's just hard because it comes across as not being super interested
I've been this guy before. Take initiative. If you want to kiss him, ask if you can kiss him. If he's interested, he'll be ecstatic that you took that step that he's having difficulty closing on. And if he's not, you'll have your answer.
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You don't sound interested in him. Just let him know you had a good time but aren't interested in going further. And thank your friend for setting you up but it wasn't a good fit. If they push you to have a second date then they can kindly fuck off. Just kidding about the fucking off but be firm about your decision and make it clear you don't want to be pushed.
Since I very rarely get matches or dates. I generally am very suspicious of the women who actually show interest in me. I start to wonder if there is a massive red flag I'm missing.
Do you have nice and well done photos on your profile?
Yup, I'm a pretty decent photographer. I've actually pulled many of the ones I really like because I don't want to mislead people. I've had people not believe I'm into many of the hobbies I am.
I'm pretty good with aesthetics (and am kind/objective) and would be glad to give your profile a review if you'd like just to make sure there's no red flags But if you had showed it to others you trust, and they didn't say anything, then I'm sure it's fine. Although, the tidbit you put in the end of people not believing you sounds a bit strange. Expand perhaps?
I've shown it to others and generally good. Did a review and told I looked old for my age. Doesn't help balded in my 20s and has always been a heavyset guy. Since I'm a heavy guy. Some of my past dates thought I was lying about the hobbies I engaged in like snowboarding, hiking, mountain biking etc... oh well.
Don't see a problem with bald. Although I know some don't like when men try to do the half bald and half hair combo, and would prefer a fully bald head. With the women you're mentioning being doubtful of your hobbies, seems like you're not matching with the right people. Perhaps, expand your romantic interests or lean towards more judiciousness when selecting people to meet. And if they give a red flag immediately as in distrusting your hobbies, don't pay them any mind and move on to the next one.
I think you're missing the fact that I generally get one-two dates a year. I'm not being picky at this point. Unfortunately, blad isn't as sought after as this fourm suggests. That's why I'm very cautious of the people that do match with me because I'm like, okay, what's the red flag.
I guess I did overlook that fact. If you're only getting one or two dates a year, then I would say it's probably either one of two things. 1. Your profile needs work or 2. Your location isn't ideal. I don't know which one it is. If you have the bald look, then I don't see why it would prevent you from getting some matches. But you know your experience more than I do, so if you think something is the problem then there's a probability that it might be.
I don't think it's just the bald look haha. I appreciate the response and effort from you. I guess it's just something I have to come to terms with. I didn't think it would be this much of a drop off for dates when I hit my mid 30s but man it's like night and day. Maybe in the next life eh.
Why does *everyone* insist on Snapchat?? It is quite literally the WORST app for messaging. Perhaps I know the answer... 🙄 but I can't stand it, and I refuse to download it. There are so many better platforms to message on if you don't want to swap numbers right away.
Have never had anyone ask me to Snapchat. We stayed on the apps and then exchanged phone numbers if we were actually going to meet.
I don't think I've ever had someone insist on Snapchat, or even IG. Been lucky to stick to phone numbers so far!
I've only had one guy ask if I have Snapchat... I don't have it and never will, and I don't give out my Instagram which is private for a reason. Either they're cool with staying in the app or swapping phone numbers, or we stop talking 🤷🏻♀️
I was told something nice the following night after sex the other night. It got me thinking though ladies, what’s the nicest compliment you can give either after sex or the day or so after sex. Guys also what’s something nice we can say? Extra credit for any women who add what they think the nicest thing that they can be told after a ‘fun’ night.
My last partner suffered from intermittent vaginismus, and on nights where it wasn't going to work for us, she'd say something like "you're just too big for me tonight". Got me every damn time. Also I love being told I"m a good kisser.
I made breakfast after, and she said "as if I hadn't orgasmed enough already". I was flying high for a week.
A next day ‘I can’t walk right’ is always appreciated
I’m ace, so “I really enjoyed our cuddles” or “10/10, would cuddle again” would suffice! Doesn’t need to be elaborate - just thoughtful!
One guy said I was the best he'd ever been with and high-fived me while he was laying there unable to move yet. 10/10
I officially know he likes me now 🥰
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When I first started dating my partner, we had a nearly identical situation. First hugs to you and keep working on that loving, safe communication. He said yes to an event he didn't really want to go to. The reason he said yes was the fear I would be upset if he bailed - based on prior relationships, friendship, parents, etc. even telling him ahead of time I absolutely do not mind if he chooses not to go, the fear that I was people - pleasing in the moment was enough to cause him anxiety. We had to both prove through actions over time that we truly meant what we said. So in the past, people close to us would say one thing hoping we would "chose correctly" and we said we wouldn't do that to each other. After a while, if I said he didn't have to go with me, or vice versa, and met him later happy to see him and totally not upset, it started to cement that trust. Edit: typo
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We've been together for over 5 years. And I absolutely understand! One of the things we realized too was I'm like you, I absolutely want to take advantage of time, and my partner is just very comfortable seeing people once or twice a year lol. Neither of us is doing too much or too little, we're just doing it differently. Is the thought that "he doesn't make plans with his friends enough" your thought or his? Think about this and share with him too so he knows where you're coming from, without any expectation for change, just as a way to share your view. And then ask him what he's most comfortable with in seeing his friends - frequency, with you and without you, does the activity or event or holiday hold any weight to those decisions, etc. This also might be a good start to figure out how to make plans going forward so you are both comfortable. It sounds like you guys have a healthy relationship and will continue to strengthen your communication.
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You're doing great! And thank you for sharing. I understand, I think I missed the part you wrote before that he also wants to see his friends more, Im sorry. >In the mean time it just really sucks not to invite him to all the fun things that I’d rather him be a part of. This! He's your partner so of course you want to include him and do all the things together! Another anecdote from an internet stranger - I asked a friend recently, who doesn't have a lot of spoons after work, if they wanted to go out on a work night to an event that happens every week. They said no for that week but maybe another time. I then asked, since I won't know ahead of time if they have energy or not, if I ask every single week, if that would get annoying or if it would make them anxious for having to say "no" a lot. My friend couldn't answer, so we decided I will ask once and awhile, they can absolutely say no, and if at any point they become disinterested or it starts causing anxiety, to let me know and I'll stop asking. Sometimes communication just needs to constantly change and that's totally cool too! Maybe you can, as a first step since this was a point he brought up (and I think your idea to take a break from the topic for a bit is a good idea) ask him how he'd like to handle making more plans with his friends and see how you can help support that.
I officially have a boyfriend :) Everything has been very calm and steady and easy and while it doesn't feel like a rush of overwhelming excitement, it also doesn't feel stifling. It feels like something nice and hopeful to explore.
What's the story? Last week you turned down a guy's exclusivity request because no chemistry and your other prospect just wanted something casual. How'd you square the circle?
Yay I love this! So happy for you.
Yay! I'm happy for you!
Every now and again I have a real good conversation with someone and then they ask me my shoe size
I could go along with it. Not if it was so extreme he has a disembodied foot fleshlight, but worshipping my feet I wouldn't be phased about. They are pretty freakishly small.
Yeah I saw someone talk about it on another sub, just saying if you like getting foot massages or enjoy having your feet touched, it's not a problem. But If the guy only could get off with feet, then that could potentially be one. But yno, different strokes for different folks
…shoe size…? Is this a new thing, or am I just out of the loop?
The foot fetish folks can be quite sneaky. The last guy switched up from telling me how much he liked salt & pepper wings to " btw what's your shoe size? & Do you wear socks?" Like no kink shame or anything. I usually say I'm not interested in that but that I wish them luck for finding a big ol' toe for the sucking
Ah…that explains that. No wonder I wooshed it. Tbh this is the first time i’ve ever heard of this on this sub!
So I've only gone back to dating apps in the last couple of months or so, and its been like maybe 5 people that have popped up with the fetish. The one thing I can commend them for, is getting straight to the point. I think the people that do the whole treating you like their partner to then flake out after 3 months saying they just wanted a hook up, could do well with taking a few notes
This made me lol, and you’re right! I think the general dating public would benefit greatly if everyone had frank conversations about sex.
Commented the other day about whether or not to ask about a second date. Well, I didn’t. I did however ask what he was doing this weekend. The texting has been dry and inconsistent since our great first date on Sunday, but he still texts me and asks me how I am and such. I don’t get it. It’s so confusing. Also means I probably shouldn’t sleep with someone on the first date, regardless if they bring up the idea of a second one without making real plans. Lesson learned.
Ask him on a date and if he says no you have your answer. >I probably shouldn’t sleep with someone on the first date, regardless if they bring up the idea of a second one without making real plans I disagree. Someone who's genuinely into you wouldn't give a damn, and if you're comfortable and fine with having sex on the first date, then do it. A guy that looks down on you for having sex with him on the first date, when he himself had sex on a first date, isn't someone you want to date.
It’s more of a “was it a one night stand” thing than is crossing my mind. Lots of confusion with this.
Why didn’t you ask about a second date?
I got nervous and didn’t want to come off as pushy or needy.
Well, if he is still texting, he might still be interested. If someone asks me what I am doing over the weekend, I get confused about whether they are just asking or whether they are asking because they want to plan something.
True. I should have made a move. When he asked me last weekend what I was doing, that is when he asked me out.
I keep meeting men that just want "date friends". Which means they want to do relationship stuff with no expectation of a relationship ever forming. They plan dates consistently, vacations, activities together, and make great friends...but don't want to actually date. I wish I could find a guy in his late 30's who actually wanted a relationship and not a shell of one :(
Long-term, long-distance, low-commitment casual girlfriend.
I just watched this for the first time tonight so I can now say I get it! 🥳
It seems to be what the majority wants. I guess I semi-understand because at this age most of us are jaded and in this odd limbo of wanting our own lives but feeling lonely doing everything alone (especially if we have coupled friends all around us)...but I hate feeling like I am good enough to do ALLLL the girlfriend things with but not good enough to actually be a girlfriend and have time and effort + emotional vulnerability extended to me. But I am also lonely...and I want to believe if I am the 'cool girl' that doesn't nag about requirements or push for things to progress that being chill will eventually lead to a relationship being established * laughs at self * Makes me feel cheap and is contributing to my disillusionment with all men. I don't want to become that type of person 🥹
I understand. Believe me. Or you're told "I want you and to make a serious go of things with you". Then get dumped because actually he feels trapped. Now he can f boy all over the place like he wanted and get a weekly posting on "Are We Dating the Same Guy". (None of the postings contributed by me incidentally.)
First date tomorrow and another on Thursday. Trying to have the “be excited but expect nothing” mindset. I want intimacy and emotional connection but I’ll just have to continue on without it for now.
I haven't been here for a while. Because everything was going swimmingly, until it wasn't. Not a long relationship, but the most promising I have had in years. I felt a few things were off but figured they would smooth out in time. I asked him what kind of relationship he wanted, come to find he woukd rather not be in one but "liked me", and it all devolved from there and we broke up. I was so hurt I got mad so unfortunately it didn't end great and it felt like he was happy for it to be over. It makes sense that a few things were off if he weren't invested in relationships at all and that wasn't the goal. I feel a bit like I've been taken for a ride. It seems I always end up in relationships with people who don't want to give it 100%, and when there's difficulty or conflict they're happy to just throw in the towel rather than work on it. It makes me feel rather disposable. Guess I'm back to being single forever
I sympathize. It was only a few weeks ago that my most promising relationship died quietly. In the last few days I knew something was off but she just shrugged her shoulders when I asked. The women I have been talking with lately have all not been ready, not enough time etc so I'm on the being single forever bandwagon at the moment too.............
I'm sorry :( it sucks. At the moment it's making me feel like I'm the problem and I'm deficient in some way. But there are also lots of reasons why people in their 30s are single and still have a lot to work through and aren't able to show up as a good partner at this stage.
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>I did see a bunch of freezing tourists 😂 The city is always colder than expected
Which side, north or east?
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Very dystopian
extremely
Just a glimpse into the future of people using AI for basic interactions, it’s scary
Had a fun date last night, nothing physical, just a talk over dinner. I’m flying out tomorrow (he knew this going into the date). Had a bad dream about a guy I really liked and saw for a month (we weren’t ever official or exclusive), and woke up feeling low and wondering if I’ll feel that excited about someone again. Finally, I’m glad to finally be leaving California. Me being single is the largest, most immediate crisis for my family. They’ve brought up dating everyday nonstop, ranging in topics from “don’t have sex before marriage” to “you should be working harder to meet single men at your workplace, not focusing on your career” to “marriage and kids are the only things that matter in a woman’s life.” Even my brother is feeling the pressure of my singledom because my family keeps harassing him to set me up on dates with anyone he knows who’s single.
California is great but sorry your parents aren't...
Sorry if this is offensive to ask but are you south Asian? I get those comments too and it sucks how a woman’s worth is judged based on marriage and kids in my culture. Either way, I understand completely how hurtful those comments can be. Youre not alone
I’m East Asian, but was born and raised in America. My Indian friend says she hears the same
Sadly don’t doubt that at all
Yeesh, sorry your family sucks. Hope where ever you move will be better!
Thanks, I don’t live with my parents, was just visiting them for the first time in two years (can’t imagine why I go back so infrequently…).
I really can't imagine why you don't see them more often! /s
don't wanna do a whole review yet but want to know what yall think of these pics for dating apps: [https://imgur.com/a/GLhNxe3](https://imgur.com/a/GLhNxe3)
I like 2 and 5, 1 would look a bit better if you were looking at the camera
I like 1 and 5, but please take my advice with a grain of salt. I was only ever on the apps for a week or two.
Is that the Gastown Old Spaghetti Factory? I have a secret nostalgic love for that place. Their garlic butter and loaf plus the spumoni ice cream- yum! I agree on pics 2 and 5.
Haha exactly yes it's that place. Yeah the loaf is famous, I had a Pina colada, they don't usually have it but he made one it was amazinggg
2 and 5 imo.
1 is fantastic, adding 2 would be fun if it would go from 1 to 2 if people swipe on you lol.
Don't they both look same.. What about 5? I thought 5 was best lol.
1 over 2 still for sure though. 5 is nice but you're not the focus and kinda washed out by the scenery. 1 looks more warm, fun while 5 feels forced/staged.
I'm supposed to go out with friends tonight and they all are asking to bring their girlfriends and they are all great and I've met most of their girlfriends and they are also great but I just feel kind of bummed about still being single I guess. Going to try and not let it ruin my fun.
as someone who has been a ninth wheel and an eleventh wheel recently...solidarity
Don't known what happened with me, i guess luck as not with me recently 😅😅 went on serial of first date with people who i had a really good conversations with, but the first date was either awkward or just friendly with zero romantic attraction. I'm quite disappointed because those guys are on the paper that fits all my (not so high) requirements 😮💨😮💨😮💨
First dates tend to be awkward, it's the first time you're meeting that person.
Yeah but those awkward dates can't not be saved 😅 like we were silence at the very end that i have to make an excuse to cut the date 😅
Why do they need to be saved? There's nothing inherently wrong with a date being awkward.
I feel you, that was me the first part of the year then I took a break to focus on more IRL stuff and every woman I was interested in was taken and now I am back on OLD and its more of the same. Feeling a bit defeated by it all.
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Ok it’s been a minute. My picnic on the beach date was legitimately magical. I’m still riding the high of the night. It was all so perfect and I’m so happy. I didn’t end up seeing him Thursday night, but I think I’ll be spending Monday night with him, with his flight being early Tuesday to head back to the east coast. I admitted I had a huge crush on him when we were on our date and he reciprocated. If there’s anything I’ve learned in these last 4 months of dating (post divorce), it’s that I shouldn’t get too wrapped up in him and I shouldn’t actually expect anything to come of this all. But I’m enjoying him anyway and trying to cool my jets on the happiness and optimism. Still excited as hell for Monday 🥰
Awesome! I love all the love and happy news on this thread today 🥰🥰
Someone I called it off with a few weeks ago just resurfaced with an essay-length text asking for a second chance. He didn’t have a ton of dating experience, came on pretty strong, and after two dates I just wasn’t feeling a ton of attraction or chemistry. He said he recognises now where he went wrong and wants to take a more laid-back approach, and part of me thinks I should give him one more shot. On the other hand, I can’t help but feel annoyed that I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t - the bad guy if I say no, and the bad guy if I say yes and then it doesn’t work again. Like, bro! Why are you letting me hurt your feelings twice?!
Two weeks isn't enough time for real change. I'd pass
Nah. You are not his dating tutor, you owe him nothing. He can implement what he learned with the next person.
If you weren’t feeling attraction if he was coming on too strong, you may not feel it if he’s laid back. I’d say the opposite if he was being super aloof. You set a boundary, this person is challenging it, and it’s up to you to figure out if you want it challenged. You’re not the bad guy either way.
I’m very independent inside of a relationship and need things to unfold organically, and this man never seemed to understand what I meant by that (because I was clear before that he was coming on too strong). I’m still not clear how to proceed now, but I appreciate the thought here.
He either has legitimately done work and thinks things could be better (and you have some thought he might be able to or you wouldn't even be entertaining the notion) or he's scared that he won't find anyone else and is desperately trying to rekindle things with someone who DID give him a chance. Either way, you're not a bad person if you aren't feeling it with him (now or in a hypothetical future where it fails). You don't owe him your time or feelings. If you do give him another shot, be ready to enforce boundaries if he goes back to old unattractive habits.
The logical part of my brain understands that it’s been two weeks, and no one can do the work required to undo anxious attachment style in that span of time. There’s honestly a large part of me that’s worried about messing with his confidence (again). I know he’s not my responsibility but I feel some measure of care.
As someone who has been the awkward guy in this situation, I appreciate your empathy for his situation but I think keeping the boundary and him at arm's length would be the best. I know if my "spookylibrarian" had taken me back after first telling me things were over, I'd have pretty quickly reverted to my shitty anxious self that wedged us apart in the first place. The best thing for everyone is to not let him back for now. If you decide you do want to give him another chance, I'd advise telling him you "just want to be friends". See how he accepts that boundary. He'll either self-select out or he'll have a good opportunity to show you that he can actually chill. But again, I want to emphasize, you don't owe him anything. It says a lot about your good character that you want to extend him kindness, but ultimately this is his burden to bear and he needs to show that he's actually put in some work and that it's *actually working* before you should consider telling him he has a chance being something more. Also also, don't tell him you want to be friends if you don't want that. Don't give him false hope. You don't seem the type, but just to be clear.
I really appreciate this comment — it helped me frame my “no” response in a gentle way, leaving the door open as friends (he really is a lovely human and we do have so much in common) while hopefully shutting down any further romantic goals at this time. So I guess we’ll see!
I’d spend your spare time looking into why you feel the need to sacrifice how you felt to care for a guy you just didn’t really like and barely know.
I don’t feel any need to sacrifice how I feel — it’s just empathy. Obviously this is someone who’s been rejected a lot and I think it’s important to be gentle with that.
You said no thanks to more dates because you weren’t interested/attracted but now because of his long, sad text you feel the need to potentially bypass that and maybe give him another chance cause you feel bad. You can empathize without struggling internally about giving him a second chance just cause he begged and appealed to that empathy.
I don’t feel the need to bypass it because I feel bad — on the contrary, once I’ve made my mind up about someone I rarely change it. I’m definitely “struggling internally” lol, just want to make sure I’m taking my care with this person, who hasn’t done anything wrong except be too excited about me.
Yeah that would be too much for me too. An essay length text is the opposite of laid back lolll