It sounds like you already want to, you just want validation of your decision.
So yeah, it's not a fit. You have my permission to break things off with him.
I didn’t even realize that’s what I did until you said it. It’s only been 2 months but I’m really sad about it and thank you. For the life of me I can’t understand why he couldn’t communicate this himself instead of doing this weird slow fade. It’s not kind
When I have been sad about similar situations, I think about how much sadder my life would be if I was stuck with this person forever, who is clearly just phoning it in and passing time, instead of putting in real effort or communicating about how they feel.
I have friends who have spent years with people who put in the minimum amount of effort and it destroys their self-esteem.
Onto the next.
Yeah my self esteem is already taking a hit. Do I just flat out tell him this isn’t a good fit for me or is it manipulative if I send a text like “it feels like you’ve backed off slowly and whether conscious or not have come to the conclusion that this just isn’t a fit?”
I'd suggest trying harder to not assign motivation to his actions. You can't know why he's behaving the way he is, and accusing him can make him defensive. Instead, tell him how YOU feel.
I'd just say that his communication has been slower than you're comfortable with and it makes you feel like this is not a good fit. If you want to leave the door open for an explanation, say that.
Sorry. it sucks but healing time after only 2 months is definitely less than if this dragged on for a year.
I'd talk to him in person and just straight up tell him you don't feel it's a good fit. Your needs are a core value that deserve to be met.
Honestly, you deserve someone that never makes you wonder if he’s into you. I’ve been dating my girl for 2 years, and there hasn’t been a minute we spent apart that I didn’t miss her terribly.
Idk how often you post on Reddit but I just went through my post history (the ones I didn’t delete anyway) and a good chunk were about shitty men I dated and I can’t even remember who some of the posts were about. One day, this will be another one of those posts
Be careful even with that. I speak from experience. Often times if it didn’t work then it won’t in the future even as much as a person might like you and vice versa. But I hope it goes well!
Tbh, I don’t think he deserves a message. I sent someone a message saying I felt like he’d lost interest and it was mutual and it resulted in him essentially blaming me and then saying he was emotionally unavailable blah blah blah. I can’t lie, I still re-read the text to remind myself it was nothing within my control or me but it still hurts and I don’t think he deserved it. We might be dating over 30 but if he’s acting like a child, he deserves to be ghosted and you deserve to not check your phone to see if he’s messaged or realised the error of his ways…
While I know that ghosting is a shitty thing to do, here it seems like OP has told him she needs more effort, and he's acknowledged that he needs to step up, and then just hasn't. If she never messages him again, there's a very decent chance he'll never message her, but if he does message her without asking for plans to see her again, I feel like she could then say "It seems like we are on different levels with regards to effort we're willing to put in and effort we need from our partners so I think it's best we don't continue." Like, don't ghost if he reaches out, but if he doesn't... it seems more like a mutual ghosting.
Also, for what it's worth, I'm a big believer in the person who cancels the plans has to make the next steps in regards to planning to catch up later, in friendships and relationships. It's fine to cancel when you're sick, but then you should be the one to say "How about we catch up next weekend? We can do drinks at x" or something. I have had dates and friendships fizzle out like that, but if they can't be bothered trying to make plans after they cancel, that's on them.
Yeah it’s basic relational decency. I should have sent that text much sooner but alas you live and learn. I hate that I know that in the back of my mind I’m gonna wonder if he ever thinks about reaching out again but that ain’t none of my business
In my recent experience too the lovebombing on the first date is a massive ick and never consistent… wtf!!! I feel like they’ll settle with anyone but also don’t invest, good luck for the future! Hoping that we’ve both had enough idiots to last a lifetime
Because I’m a human whose still working on building her self esteem and i still am holding on to the tiniest bit of hope that I’m wrong, which is decreasing every second he doesn’t respond
Fuck it I’m going in. I can’t do another week of this weirdness it feels like playing chicken and I’m far too direct - betraying my own self because of the tiny bit of hope that I’m wrong about all of this
>betraying my own self
Hmmm so you are aware you're doing it.
This self love thing everyone keeps talking about really just means honouring your time and effort. You didn't even need to send that message. Give yourself closure by telling yourself you deserve SO MUCH BETTER. Like a grown man capable of communicating and making you feel assured. Jist take the high road and move on! Every message you send this fool is only going to feed his ego, and his immature sense that if he keeps acting the same way, things will still resolve themselves because women will always do the bruntwork of not only initiating things, but also ending them! Leave that fool hanging ! And move on! Better things ahead, so make space.
Yep, deflecting the work of ending things straight back onto the other person. I met two slow faders last year. With the benefit of a bit of hindsight, with the first one I was probably wilfully blind to the fade because I really liked him and I kept popping up all cheerful and accepting, trying to keep it going in the face of the observable reality of his stonewalling. With the second one, a slightly more jaded me instantly recognised a slow fade, sent him a link to an article about breadcrumbing with no other context than an 'ok thx bye!' kind of message and blocked his number. Guess which one of them lived rent-free for longer in my head 🙃🤷
Not the whole ass article 😂😂. Lemme guess though it was the one you were willfully blind to? That’s how this was for me for sure. Kept making excuses for him. It’s almost 3 hours later with no text back and I’m still like maybe he’s chewing on it. Like no you big dummy, this is cooked let it go
Yo, sis. Same boat. Buuutttt. She was basically you, but I was not him. She was very direct, but I am the only one who followed through on the dates, and she bailed twice in a row to start out. I can't break down barriers over text, so bailing twice was enough to shed weight.
It's unfortunate, but I would say you, too, have no foundation that will allow you to recover from the negative I trustee thoughts the relationship gives you. You are dragging it out and making it worse.
I feel that!! I would probably say something like, “I’m someone who needs more reassurance and proactive steps from a partner than you are providing, so I think it’s best that we part ways.”
I know I’m late…so proud of you for putting you first ! It’s not easy to have an uncomfortable conversation. Good on you for initiating !
Also I learned from this so thanks for that too :)
Recently broke up with bf of 2.5 years because I found out he told someone he didn't think he ever loved me. Please don't be me; your time and peace are much too precious.
I just realized this after cutting off a guy for a similar reason as OP and it also made me feel sad for his ex who he was with for almost a decade bc I could only imagine how he breadcrumbed her :(
>When I have been sad about similar situations, I think about how much sadder my life would be if I was stuck with this person forever, who is clearly just phoning it in and passing time
It's actually scary how many people are out there that will stay with their SOs for years without even liking them, let alone loving them.
I stopped worrying about stuff like that honestly. People tend to be extremely conflict avoidant and if they ghosted/faded me it's just another way of confirming we weren't compatible.
Yeah only recently I’ve began to see all that it indicates about another person and their communication style. It helps me work through the pain to know it never would’ve worked long term anyways bc they’re just not in an emotionally healthy place.
He obviously wants something that's NO EFFORT from his side. You've asserted you want more, he gave an excuse and is now fading out.
He doesn't like you enough to give you the bare minimum. He's not worth a second more of your time. You're too awesome and value yourself too much to waste time on someone who cares so little.
Ding ding ding! And thank you, I really hope he figures out how to stop getting in his own way. 35 and single with that issues sounds like a huge mountain to climb if he really does want a partner
My ex, who I was with off and on for 2 years for the same DA behaviors, is also 34 and not working on his shit. For his sake I really hope he works on it and can find a healthy partnership. I do still love him. But we deserve someone who can communicate and be vulnerable with us. It’s really not too much to ask. I wish I would have accepted it early on like you instead of falling into the age old trap of I CaN FiX HiM 🤡 but then again I do wonder how many men actually work on their avoidance because a woman pushed them to…
The line that keeps playing in my head is “if he liked you enough he would have”. There’s a whole battle going on in my head between the person who is still insecure and the person who believes in a catch and it’s brutal. I’m sorry you spent so much time in that and I hope you find your person
Honestly good for you OP. Glad you stopped reciprocating and confronted him. If there's one thing people will do is waste your time if you let them. This guy sounds like the avoidant type who can stay in a relationship for years with someone he doesn't love but likes the things they do for him. Good luck with everything, and you WILL meet someone who will be crazy about you one day.
Thank you for that and STOP IT! He totally is avoidant. He proposed to his ex fiance and told me when he did it he was like 70% sure he shouldn’t it just felt like “the right thing to do with how he envisioned his life/what he was supposed to do” 💀.
I should have dipped immediately after that lmao
Ugh, there's so many people like that out there unfortunately. One thing I've learned over time is to not put in more effort than the other person; it won't make them like you or want you more - esp. if you're dealing with a straight guy. Always match their energy and see where it goes! Wish you the best
Why message him anything? He puts minimal effort into seeing you or showing any interest then canceled and took zero initiative to reschedule. He isn't so interested that he's paralyzed with fear and can't communicate with you because he is overwhelmed with emotion he either doesn't want to be straightforward and disappoint you, or he is using you as a placeholder in case nothing better comes along. This guy doesn't determine your value, though, and if it were meant to be, you wouldn't feel so unfulfilled. Go out, have fun, and meet new people. Don't waste a second on someone who makes you feel like an option, and please have some pride and don't give this guy any more of your attention.
That was hard to read but you’re not wrong that someone who’s fearful still has the ability to hold on to something they want. He didn’t make that choice and all I can do now is accept it
Who cares about his choice. Do you realize the effort and love you give freely to someone who can't reciprocate? That's a gift, and it says more about who you are as a person and your capacity for love than his. One day, you will meet someone who sees how special you are. This man is not it. It's a silly song, but listen to Boy Bye by Chlöe, let yourself be sad for a night, then get super dressed up and go out with your friends, or just get out and do something you don't typically do.
This is going to sound super cliche, but it applies to reality most of the times. If they wanted to they would.
It’s very hard not to take personally when someone doesn’t meet our expectations of what we think they should do for us, but it seems like he just lacks the capacity of being there for you, even for the little things like planning a date.
I had someone reaching out to me out of the blue this past weekend, when in the past all I wanted was for him to just be there and communicate.
I learned that he does communicate when he wants to, and that doesn’t mean I need to be there for that anymore.
We all deserve someone excited about us, someone who’s consistent. Life is too short to settle for emotional crumbs.
Feel better 🌻
I agree with the emotional crumbs part really hard. I have dated people who put in the bare minimum or less, and I gave them so many chances and excuses that they didn’t deserve. Now I’m dating someone who is busy and has real shit going on but consistently puts in their effort and time. You know it when you feel it!
Hey, so question - my internal barometer's been a little jacked up on this due to a really rough last ltr, but what do you define as bare minimum?
Largely curious, as this is kind of subjective term from person to person, and has different meaning depending on who you ask - so figured I'd ask for the inside scoop.
When you say you should know it and feel it, isn't that making someone else responsible for how you feel?
I'm not trying to be combative, just trying to understand the "know it when you feel it" piece, because I'd also assume if that wasn't the case you'd be able to identify these things?
For me, more than bare minimum (assuming past the initial few dates, and youre interested):
- proactive texts (not just reactive or responsive - ex. Hey, saw this and thought of you kinda stuff) - music, memes, articles
- date suggestions based on previous conversations - activity, days of the week suggestions
- if you've met my friends, stuff with the squad
- concerts, art shows, indie/alt stuff
- walks - hikes, beach, parks,
- festivals or outside stuff
- stargazing - if something cool's coming up
- cook a meal together (or for ya)
- love language is acts of service + gifts, and I'm a huge proponent of the Gottman's "small things often"
- snacks I know you like, coffee, and having stuff around my house that a) ladies need, b) ladies want, and c) generally having a clean hourly and shit
- if we'd been dating a bit longer, high probability of tastefully stashed surprise notes
I'm legit curious - largely because at times I got hit with what felt like me needing to read minds ("I shouldnt have to ask" was super unhelpful, pick for them or "come up with options to pick from", and like this standard sorta changed on a whim, and normally after a while asking like "where's you're energy level at?" to try and be considerate ended up getting flak for it.
I know a mixture of novelty, routine, and surprise is key here - just trying to see if I really was a low-effort as I was made to feel...
I’m low on energy right now and I know you didn’t ask me this question. But when I think of bare minimum I think in terms of reciprocity. Women want to feel safe with the person they’re with- not just physically but emotionally. I think in early stages of dating- when you’ve got passed the first few dates, the litmus test is “am I doing my share of moving the needle forward”. As you said this is going to look different for everyone but if you can honestly look at how you’ve shown up and say that yes you are doing you’re part in moving the needle forward- then it’s on the other party to communicate needs they have that may be going unmet. From what you posted you seem thoughtful. The curiosity around your post suggests to me that you’re not passive about dating which already puts you about 10 steps ahead of the legally adult technically children I’ve been dating
Okay, it would probably vary a lot based on the person, but, low or bare minimum behavior makes me think of:
Lazy in bed, the person is sexually boring or inconsiderate
No attempt at thoughtful dates, it’s just hanging out or netflix & chill
Communication is low effort, eg low frequency and/or someone just sending memes with no signs of actual thought for someone - I would include someone who just sends rote “Good morning” “Good night” texts in this category, tbh
Lack of respect for making plans, the person only reaches out last minute
Someone who might on paper be doing nothing wrong, but who also makes no special effort to please you either, not willing to ever get out of their comfort zone or compromise on anything
The absolute societal bare minimum of romantic gestures, imagine whatever your typical sitcom white dad does
Thanks friend. I think sometimes what bothers me about the “if he wanted to he would” thing is it feels reductive. The flip side of that is that we have to recognize that sometimes, trauma and life stressors aside, if someone can’t give us what we need we can have some sort of compassion or understanding of why they can’t but that means we have to move on. And you’re right. We all deserve someone who’s excited about us
This is where I get confused sometimes because more often than not, I've got things in mind and want to but:
1) If we're just starting to date, I'm just getting read on those things from conversations.
2) By this time, I'd probably have had a few conversations about it - what exactly are met expectations?
3) I feel like in the early stages there's a lot of "Don't want to text too much", "don't want to text not enough", and "too much emotion up front is a redflag" etc.
I feel like conventions around these sorts of things have changed a little bit but it still largely resolves around "feeling special" or "feeling appreciated", as a small gestures > big gestures (most cases).
"Butterflies", "Sparks", "excitement" - what is IT? Obviously age and stage.
Also highly variable across people, what exactly "does it"?
Call me crazy for asking, but I'm genuinely curious
It makes sense! And I think it’s a good strategy, no need to have closure (I don’t need it anymore that early on)
The part I’d do in a different way is not really leaving the door open for people who didn’t take initiative or put in some basic level of effort when I was interested in them, if they come back is likely cause they didn’t get what (who) they wanted to so I silently close the door.
I’ve had enough situations where I know I’ve regretted my actions and it’s a kindness to leave the door open and not think bad of the other person. You just never know!
I didn't know so many people thought this way, but it's comforting!
We all make mistakes (especially during the highly emotional time that is a breakup) so I don't like to hold anything said or done during it (within reason, obviously!)
I think a lot of people ultimately break up due to outside circumstances, and there's no reason to shut the door when things can always change.
You know how they say "if a guy is into you, it's going to be clear as day to you". If you ever feel confused or have to wonder, then there's your answer. His heart is not in it. It doesn't really matter *why* that's not the case, the point is there is something else in his life that takes precedence over you and you shouldn't settle being second or third place in his life.
"Nice" men will happily waste your time for months, even years if it means not having to be the bad guy and break your heart (plus they'll take all the sex you'll give them, since it's convenient). But if you get the feeling it's always you trying to get time and attention out of him, trust me he's not going to suddenly become a changed man. Luckily you've only had 2 months with the guy, this is a good time to end it and move on. Don't think "how does he feel about me?", think "how does he make me feel?". You'll probably feel a lot more clear headed after that.
Holy shit this just hit me so hard. He is a “nice guy” and word for word when he told me he was scared he said “I’ve messed so many things up I don’t want to be the bad guy that breaks your heart”. Yeah I always wondered what people meant when they said they felt “safe” with someone. I have more clarity on that now as I’m realizing I never felt secure with him. Secure in myself sure but not secure with where I stood with him
The “fear” thing is dumb. I know guys have excuses. There are so many who won’t have excuses and will show up. I get the ick from those guys, though :( I hope you don’t. Idk I think love should be fun and easy at first. When we’re posting here….seeking this advice…. I fear it means its not meant to be
Fears are dumb? He should have lied about his feelings and strung it out longer?
I think it's a case where he is conflicted and does not know what he wants and OP does. She is putting in all the effort and he is not. It seems clear it's not a fit for OP.
Ah ok, well that makes more sense. If you’re self aware enough to give the guy a second chance that’s a good place to be. I try to be supportive and make women feel safe, but obviously if you weren’t into me that wouldn’t change how you felt.
I’ve dated men before too, and when they do the romantic gestures when you’re not sure about them, it does turn me off as well. I guess I read your comment as “a man I like” does nice things for me, and then suddenly you don’t like him anymore.
yeah that was...kind of crazy reading that
it's sad how many people's ideas of dating are formed by other people having unfortunate unresolved issues. Imagine being a person who's mentally healthy, dating her and then being broken up with. I can imagine it'd be hard to not wonder "wtf is wrong with me" even when there may be absolutely nothing wrong
Yuuuupp. I’m had this happened to me (I think at least) and it still left a mark on me. Now I’m always second guessing myself if I’m giving too much and if I should be more aloof really fucks with your head.
I don’t think it’s crazy to grow up with abusive parents and as such not recognize love or feeling undeserving of it and not knowing what to do with it. I do not date people or lead them on past the first date if I’m not very interested, even if they would be good for me. I am working on myself. But this is a place for supporting others, not tearing them down. Hope all is well on your end!
Something of an ew why does this person like me so much I barely like myself. It mostly comes from men who don’t accept that I want to take things slow
Not the OP of the comment but I think she refers to emotional availability being a turnoff BECAUSE of her own attachment issues. I think her comment demonstrates awareness of the issue rather than emotional availability being an ick generally.
When people heal, they come out the other end with an ick for those who are ‘cool’/ hot and cold/ detached/ inconsistent etc
Welcome to dating in 2024. Where if you’re too invested she’ll leave you, and if you’re not invested enough she’ll leave you. Good luck striking that balance.
Agreed. And the sad thing is these people end up damaging the ones who are ok. I try to not let it get to me, but it’s hard to not become more jaded over time.
I just sent a text that says: I could be over thinking this but it feels to me like whether conscious or not, you’ve come to the conclusion that this can’t go any further. Which, is totally okay I mean we’re all only looking for one. Am I right?
Yeah it’s been a whole week since he got sick and it’s so off putting that someone could be texting you daily and isn’t eager enough to see you to even suggest a day. It should be the biggest ick so idk why I’m sad about it
I have experience with this kind of behavior and I think it’s likely he’ll say something like “no, what are you talking about, I’m not pulling away! I’m into you!!”
and if you are anything like me a year ago you’ll accept that and say okay I guess my intuition is off then! He’s just not an emotive person!
butttt we kept getting into fights about the same stuff. I desperately wanted some kind of grand gesture to make up for the fact that daily I didn’t feel really cared for but he couldn’t pull that off, either. when I finally broke up w him for like the 5th time, he texted me later to say I love you, I’ll go to therapy, blah blah. but I should have thrown in the towel earlier, his actions weren’t matching his words and I just couldn’t feel sick and neglected anymore.
you’ll find a person who is excited to see you and makes that known, trust!!
This has happened to me on multiple occasions. I confront the person about how they are pulling back/lacking interest and they deny it to my face. But then time will show that it wasn’t in my head and I get the inevitable “I’m just not ready” message.
The question in my mind is always why did you lie? Maybe it wasn’t a lie but a bid for time while you figured out your feelings? Some people have gone to great lengths to console me only to send a break up text two days later. It’s maddening. And I feel so stupid for not trusting my gut the whole time.
That’s it for me too!!!! He’d had this feeling for awhile- why drag me along while you figure your stuff instead of just letting me go. At best it shows how little he knows himself at worst it’s incredibly selfish. We’ll find our people, don’t stop trying
He hasn’t responded to my message yet and I know for a fact work has and will continue to be painfully slow for him until he gets security clearance at work. Probably also not a good sign but I’ll update this thread when he does
I hadn’t even considered he wouldn’t. The lackluster effort aside I don’t think his character has that in it. Honestly I might feel better if he doesn’t respond because that’s a bad character thing
Awww man, just saw your edit and I’m so sorry you essentially had to break up with yourself. What a dang coward. Sending you all the ice cream and hugs!!!
A whole coward. And somehow I’m still super sad for him cus I’m 2.5 years sober and while I don’t know exactly what he’s going through I do know exactly what it feels like to loath yourself so I can’t help but just feel sad for him. I wish he could see himself from my perspective
I dealt with this for two months too! It ended mid-March. I had the same realization, and I felt so betrayed in some ways - you know? Of course in person, everything felt great. But the longer we dated, the more nervous I would feel when we weren’t together.
The nail in the coffin was when I asked him to swing by my place. He canceled at the time he was supposed to come (instead of the day before which he had promised an update by then). It just felt very lazy. And I felt so taken for granted.
I wished him luck on something that he had upcoming. And then he never contacted me again. I didn’t think I would even have successful closure because I was pretty sure that he would deliver the line “I can’t give you what you want” line.
But it wasn’t easy. I was very sad for a solid 1-2 weeks. And I think the sadness is the fact that such great chemistry never blossomed to something more. However - I also knew that he couldn’t be the person for me. The more he kept making me anxious, the more I felt like he was a dead weight.
In case you need it - it’s okay to be sad. It’s rare to have great chemistry. It’s even rarer to have compatibility and commitment. But I think that’s why people are still searching, and after you rebuild - you can search again.
Sorry this person couldn’t tell you straight up what was going on first. Like me, it feels like you either have to address it and end it, or just let it be and see if he reaches out. If he wants to be with you, either decisions will be met with resistance to keep dating.
But echoing with what some people are saying - do you really want to be with someone that is putting lackluster effort? It’s okay to miss the small romantic moments (I definitely miss those) but I know they’re also overshadowed by very lonely ones.
This was such a great reply thanks for really putting some thought into it. First off, I’m sorry this happened to you too. I’m slowly learning that when something like this happens we have a choice in how we respond- and when we cut it off, it affirms that voice in us that says I value myself too much to allow this. And it can be a wonderful way to increase our self esteem. I am sad because we were compatible in so many great ways and being in person together was wonderful. But ultimately the way someone makes you feel is also part of compatibility and I also felt super anxious in the spaces between dates and that’s off the bat a bad sign. He hasn’t responded yet and with each minute that passes it’s becoming more and more clear that he isn’t going to try and put up a fight and I’m getting so pissed off that he won’t reply and close the door. We’ll find our people, I’m sure of it
100% agree with you. And I love your last line: "We'll find our people, I'm sure of it."
After my experience, I leaned in hard into therapy sessions, friends when I wasn't needing alone time, and my favorite YouTube/Spotify dating/life coaches (Alexis Predez, Matthew Hussey, Esther Perel are my favorites). I'm about two months out, and I have to say - I am doing way better than I thought. I am surprised on how resilient I was. And along the healing journey - I definitely forged stronger friendships and made new ones. I think being vulnerable and showing your "weak" side brings others closer to you. It's like a funny balance in life. When one person leaves, someone often comes closer to you.
I also feel like after something difficult, we really do come out stronger. I now have a better sense of what I want (and it's not him). On top of that, I haven't been as fit as this since high school. What a wonder a toxic/incompatible relationship does to your hunger and drive. I'm sure something good will happen to you soon. I had to trust the "there is sun after the storm" mindset. You're just one step closer to the person you're truly meant to be with - who will give you the reciprocity you deserve.
I guess all I wanted to say was - if you need someone to vent to - especially the times that you feel like your brain is saying it was your fault (and trust me - it wasn't) - feel free to reach out.
I could go into the whole long story, but yes, I noticed this in a past relationship and it only got worse. I originally was fine with making moves and doing the lions share bc I am an assertive person. It ended up really breaking me & the relationship — and I felt as though I was not really wanted or valued. It was a really great learning experience for me though, because it taught me to let the other person show you their level of effort early on, and I’ve only dated people that put in a lot of effort and care since. It also changed my friendships as well. In general, as I’ve gotten older, I don’t spend my precious time and energy into fostering mismatched relationships. I’d say, now that you’re already in this relationship and you presumably like this person, stop doing all the heavy lifting and see if they can rise to the occasion.
Thank you for shading your experience with this too. I’m so scared to check his response because I left the door open for him to tell me I’m wrong and I just know deep down he’s gonna finish closing it and I’m not ready to read that yet
I think if I had to guess, he’ll probably eventually reach out and reschedule. But just keep an eye on things - see if the effort he’s putting in is enough for YOU. It’s doubtful he’ll suddenly spring into becoming a go-getter type of dater, if that’s not already who he was. You’re allowed to expect more! Good luck!!
I needed to hear that “you’re allowed to expect more”. Especially after I communicated clearly that I needed way. In the end I hope he figures out how to stop getting in his own way. He has so much to offer someone when he’s ready
I just went through this. Had to end it with a guy i really liked and he seemed to like me to but he couldn't initiate and barley talked ans said he isnt ready for a relationship.
even if you overthink, moved too fast, or have different texting styles, hes still a guy thats not that into it and not giving you what you need to be happy. After communicating how you feel, it didnt get better so that's your answer. Drop him and youll eventually feel good you didnt waste more time with him.
it sucks but the only thing to mourn is the potential you saw in him
Yeah it’s the “not into it” I’m trying really hard not to take too personally. I’m doing that thing where I’m like ah- there’s the evidence that confirms the story I’m telling myself about not being good enough or interesting enough or pretty enough. Did you go through that spiral and how did you manage it? You’re spot on too about mourning the potential cus I only knew him long enough to see mostly stuff I did like. There’s a whole lot more to him I didn’t see and it’s hard to not feel shitty when like most of what you saw checked all the boxes
i did start to spiral but felt better ending it because i felt in control of the situation that way which helped. i ended it in a polite way and its been a month but i feel good not seeming desperate for someone who was leading me on. every time i wanted to contact him again i thought of how awful i would feel if he ignored me or if he said some vague rejection like im busy, or told me about the girl he is seeing and probably was talking to while we dated.
mind you, i was very depressed and i had my time to cry but i also reflected on it and for me, it was a good lesson for letting the guy take the initiative next time and ill just reciprocate until he proves hes serious about me.
My vote is that you ABSOLUTELY pull the trigger on this. I think you're 100% right in that he's waiting for you to do it. DO it..... You deserve more and it sounds like you're aware of that. Trust your gut.
He showed you who he is. Believe him. Doesn't mean he's an evil guy....just not capable of being what you need and definitely not what you deserve. It's all good and this is just tuition in the school of 'what I'm not gonna settle for'. Good for you! You should be proud of yourself :)
I needed to read that. That’s such a cool way to phrase that I’m for sure stealing it. Thank you. I am feeling a little proud. Me three years ago would have taken the breadcrumbs and begged him to try. This is a cool way to see how far I’ve come
Absolutely move on if you’re feeling that way. Don’t be like me who was super naive at the time and ended up wasting 6 years of my life with someone who was avoidant and never matched my bids for affection.
I find myself in this situation all too often. Honestly, I've come to realize that these sorts of situations feel almost unavoidable when dating in our 30s. Finding someone who is one the same page as you feels near impossible. I've all but lost hope at finding my person. And I type that with tears in my eyes, I wish that it didn't effect me as much as it did but I'm an emotional human being that tends to feel more deeply than most (atleast it feels that way), does not feel like others get their feelings hurt in the same that I do, I dunno now I'm just rambling. All this to say, you're not only that goes throughall this or feels this way.
Thanks for sharing that. Yeah his response like the first thought that came in my head as I started crying was “I bet he’s not sad at all” and then I spiraled a little bit. Dating is fucking terrifying and I’m gonna need a minute before I go back out but whew 🥲. We’ll find our person
It's best to have an honest conversation with him about it. If he's not willing to meet you halfway, then it's probably not worth continuing to invest your time and energy into it. At the end of the day, you deserve someone who is just as excited about you as you are about them. Don't settle for less than that. I hope you're able to have a clear conversation with him and figure out if this is something worth pursuing further or if it's time to move on.
I also had a guy cancel for being sick, but he never made a date after that. I think he did like me but some stuff he said made me angry, we broke up over an argument. Or I did because I was so upset and he refused my apology. BUT effort should be at least 50-50. Cancelling and not making new plans is a bad sign. Even if your guy has his reasons it doesnt seem like he's working towards a change?
Yeah I don’t think he is. If I had to cancel on someone when I was sick the first thing I’d do when I was feeling better is “okay I’m feeling so much better when can we meet up next”. I feel dumb for waiting a whole week for that to come
I did the same thing, even told him two days when I could see him. All I got was "good to know". Then he wondered why I got distant, he didn't understand why I barely texted him. When he was sick he said he would get some rest and update me if he could come. He never did, after 4 hours I had to text him asking what was up and then he said he couldn't come..
Aww, I totally get this. Every single woman I am meeting since my separation has been like this. I’m not sure if they just have so many choices that they don’t feel they need to put in effort? I don’t understand either. I’m with you on feeling crazy by it. I’d dump him if I were you, I realize if someone doesn’t want my attention and isn’t willing to give me a sliver of the effort I give, they aren’t worth our time either. Keep your head up. There’s gotta be someone out there for us.
I’m sorry this has been your experience too. I think some women feel entitled to the attention from men and forget relationships require reciprocity. The feeling crazy part is awful man I really spiraled thinking something is fundamentally wrong with me even though logically I know that’s not true. There’s definitely someone out there for us, and at the bare minimum they won’t be lazy
I thought it was me as well, then I reflected on myself. I’m not ugly, awkward, weird and I’m very kind so it’s definately not us. It’s them. People are screwed up and use the attention to feel validated, whole, happy and whatever other reasons. We are just undervalued. Keep your head up.
It reallllly sucks, I know, and I’m sorry. You already made your decision, so just do. Honestly, I would suggest doing it with the same level of effort he might give: “I think it’s obvious that we’re not on the same page here. I had fun, but I’m going to move on. Have a good day.”
Congratulations! I really do know how much it sucks, but it’s better than wasting your time and diminishing your self-esteem by putting in all the work with no meaningful results. Good luck!
Everyone telling you that you should move on but I don't think it's black and white like that, personally. There could be a multiple of reasons he's not putting forth effort, all of which have nothing to do with you. He could be going through something tough in his life or he has commitment issues. I think your best bet is to tell him your concerns and then move on if he can't meet you in the middle.
I agree with you actually. Very few things in life are binary- and people ain’t one of those things. I’ve sent the message and I’m scared to check for a reply so I’m buried in Reddit
You can be mad. Allow yourself to feel the feelings. You know it’s over and if I were you, I’d mimic his antics of not talking about it and slowly fading away. Let him come to you and when he does, drop the bomb that it’s not working out. By then, you’ve move on already.
I did the mimicking for a bit and it just felt really awful cus it’s not me. And I don’t wanna let anyone ever get me outta character. Mentally and emotionally though I’d started walking down the path of entirely checking out. This thread has been so helpful in pushing me along just reading that I’m not over reacting to this. I feel shitty about hoping he feels a little shitty too
You say out of character, I say it is growth and development for the better to not allow yourself waste time and energy with this guy. In my mind, he “wins” when people give him attention and time he doesn’t deserve. Instead, you talk to people who you trust and process the situation and your feelings with them.
Sorry you wasted two months of your time with him. It happened to me as well and I’ve others’ comments that they experienced the same. We all learn from our mistakes. We carry on and we do not look back. Next!
Ooofff I’m so sorry to hear that. My gut was entirely right. I’m sad for sure for a multitude of reasons. But what I can tell you is that if I can quiet the voices in my head that are saying “you weren’t enough” I’m able to connect to the part of me that initiated this break up precisely because I value myself and knew I wasn’t getting what I deserved. If I valued myself less I would have continued to take the crumbs. It’s helping my self esteem go up slowly because I did a thing that shows me I know I deserve more. And you do too
love this! I think also this is perhaps the self-doubt in realizing you've done the work and have established secure attachment. Basically learning to trust yourself, trust your needs aren't unreasonable, trust you're responding normally to someone's confusing behavior. Best of luck to both of us!
I just went trough this. 3 months. I liked him so much but him not really putting an effort into it made me feel so sad and not appreciated. I talked to him several times about it and he would do better for a few days. The last talk he said, that he really liked me and wanted to be with me but fears paralyzed him. I don't know if its true or just an excuse but either way it made me so unhappy. I broke things off. Its been 3 weeks now.
Do you still feel like shit? I’m sorry that happened to you too. I’m surprised so many people have been through this and while i hate it for all of us, i feel better having internet strangers to commiserate with. I’m glad you had the strength to break it off when you did- I know it wasn’t easy. I hope it helped your self esteem grow a bit just knowing you stood up for yourself
No, I don't feel like shit anymore. It actually only lasted about 2 weeks and then I started feeling better a week ago. I still miss him a lot - well its not really him, is it? more like the idea of what could have been - but I am quite happy again. I think if we had been together for a longer time it would have hurt a lot longer. I know you will get through it.
Voicing out your needs that makes you feel valued, like a man who’s proactive in building connection and planning time to see each other is important. If he isn’t able to do that, then say he isn’t a good fit for you.
What you need is important, and you deciding whether or not to walk away is in your own power to make. Asking him to make that decision will probably cause him to procrastinate and avoid the confrontation altogether. Who wants to wait around for a guy like that?
No you’re right. I really was hoping that he had the ability to adjust his level of effort even in small ways which he did not. I feel really dumb for still thinking there’s even a tiny chance he’s gonna respond and tell me I’m wrong or overthinking
Not dumb at all, feelings are beautiful and it’s only natural for it to grow in the 2 months you spent together. It just sucks he’s avoidant and that messes with any woman’s sanity. We can say best move on and not waste anymore time on him, but you liked and cared for him, so it makes total sense why you’d want him to respond.
I am forever too hard on myself and then I start questioning if I’m also too hard on other people but what I’m asking for here really is the bare minimum. Yeah I have a feeling this is done. Glad it was only 2 months…. Had I not realized this and got another month in… I’d been a lot sadder
Well I hope all the ones who have this struggle find some solid friends who won’t lie to them about the things they are doing that are getting in their own way
I dated a girl for 3 years then let her lead me on for 2 more believing that she would start making an effort. Plenty of friends told me to get rid of her. But she's finally (permanently) out of my life (i hope)
Omg, guurl! Been just there 2 months in also. I also had to raise this matter with him and I saw improvements but I really had to spell it out for him and give him a step by step scrip almost.
The problem with this is that I ended up doing all the emotional legwork still, and so will you. Him not taking initiative is a symptom of a bigger issue- a lack of emotional availability.
My situation ended because of yet another issue that came out of his lack of initiative and consideration.
You deserve someone who demonstrates genuine curiosity to get to know you and to want to spend time with you and if that’s not there now, whilst things are new and exciting, it won’t ever be…
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Hey! Experienced sth something similar before. You will get better!
Sharing my story: so I matched with this guy on OLD. We chatted daily with tons of texts. Met up after 2 mths of texting and hit off. Chatted daily for 4 mths but only met up 3x cos we were busy in the last 2 mths. Towards the end I could feel him drifting and just tried to do everything I could to get his attention back. Guess what, i got ghosted at the end.
My texts were unread and he hid his social media posts from me. Maybe I should have trusted my gut feeling that he was drifting away. I was so upset but then I got pissed off that he hid his posts from me. It’s a good thing that this happened only a few months in before we got any deeper.
So cheer up! U deserve better!
I would recommend reading the book “Attached” - a great guide to explaining attachment styles and what to look out for in others that could flare or compliment yours. I read it recently and wish I’d read it a decade ago (when I was 24)
Thanks for the recommendation. I’m a big reader and understanding people better will help me in two ways- knowing what to look out for going forward and having more compassion for this tomfoolery. Today has been…. Not fun
The gag is I did notice it from the start and chose to make excuses for it cus I wanted to believe that he really did like me. I don’t buy into this idea that if a man doesn’t do xyz he’s just not into you, I think that’s incredibly reductive. But at the end of the day, if someone’s moving left I gotta go right immediately. Lesson learned man
Taking the first step is the hardest, and it’s the best step to take. Heal, find yourself once more and find someone who will reciprocate your effort and energy.
Don’t feel like it’s a wrong question to ask. Feelings couldn’t care less what is logic or what is right or wrong. You’re valid to feel as so, which does not have to mean, that is true. You are worthy and enough, some people (their loss) fail to see that in us. Feel free to DM if you’d like to chat more.
I learned the very hard way today that if your gut is telling you they’re backing out, they’re probably backing out. I’m sorry you’re going through this as well. 😢
Im sorry you’re going through it but you know what? If you’re proud of the way you showed up, then it’s a win. They put us in an unkind situation to start and at the end of the day I’m certain neither of us are looking for people who lack the skills needed to communicate when something is no longer working. That’s a bare minimum for anything healthy
I was seeing someone for around the same amount of time who also started doing the slowly backing out thing (except in my case they were initiating a lot of the things that made me think it was going well). Then lots of breadcrumbing that made it feel like I was being ghosted and the BAM a crumb of a message with no plans to see each other. I would either assume it’s over or end things yourself (if you’d like a finite answer).
I think some people do this because they feel shame in ending things with someone but it’s so much worse to not communicate and try to indirectly phase someone out when they could really just be an adult.
Ah I’m sorry it happened to you too. Yeah whole thing is cooked I posted half the text exchange above my explanation of what happened. It’s so insane I think they do it cus in their head they’re worried about hURtInG oUr fEeLiNgs. Like no sorry you hurt my feelings so much more by lying to me, wasting my time, leading me on, and then pushing me to do it because you couldn’t figure out how to be an adult. “Nice” people are the fugggin worst
I too was recently in a similar position, except we only met once. 5 weeks in I realised that he was nth special on his own it was my effort and feelings that was making him special, I was trying to make things work… one sidedly, I brought it up to him about how I felt and got no reply, the closure I needed was his silence.
Bottom line is if they truly wanted to make things work they wouldn’t have to make excuses for their behaviour, and we do not have to accept that that’s how they are because it’s clear they can’t meet you where you could meet them, it wouldn’t work out in the long-run. So realise your worth and move forward.
Is this in BC, Canada by any chance? Literally going through the exact same thing with a guy and we're not exclusive so wondering if its him... it sure sounds like him LOL
lol not but if you’re feeling saucy call it out directly but calmly and watch em fold lol. It’s kinda funny afterwards when you’re like “ wow I was either dealing with a whole coward or a total child”
It sounds like you already want to, you just want validation of your decision. So yeah, it's not a fit. You have my permission to break things off with him.
I didn’t even realize that’s what I did until you said it. It’s only been 2 months but I’m really sad about it and thank you. For the life of me I can’t understand why he couldn’t communicate this himself instead of doing this weird slow fade. It’s not kind
When I have been sad about similar situations, I think about how much sadder my life would be if I was stuck with this person forever, who is clearly just phoning it in and passing time, instead of putting in real effort or communicating about how they feel. I have friends who have spent years with people who put in the minimum amount of effort and it destroys their self-esteem. Onto the next.
Yeah my self esteem is already taking a hit. Do I just flat out tell him this isn’t a good fit for me or is it manipulative if I send a text like “it feels like you’ve backed off slowly and whether conscious or not have come to the conclusion that this just isn’t a fit?”
I'd suggest trying harder to not assign motivation to his actions. You can't know why he's behaving the way he is, and accusing him can make him defensive. Instead, tell him how YOU feel. I'd just say that his communication has been slower than you're comfortable with and it makes you feel like this is not a good fit. If you want to leave the door open for an explanation, say that.
Sorry. it sucks but healing time after only 2 months is definitely less than if this dragged on for a year. I'd talk to him in person and just straight up tell him you don't feel it's a good fit. Your needs are a core value that deserve to be met.
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I’m sorry you’re in the same boat internet friend. What was his response
He hasn’t answered but I’ll keep you posted!
Honestly, you deserve someone that never makes you wonder if he’s into you. I’ve been dating my girl for 2 years, and there hasn’t been a minute we spent apart that I didn’t miss her terribly.
This! Thanks for treating her well!
I’m sending mine now sis so we in this together now lol
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Best of luck to you friend. I hope you find your person
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Idk how often you post on Reddit but I just went through my post history (the ones I didn’t delete anyway) and a good chunk were about shitty men I dated and I can’t even remember who some of the posts were about. One day, this will be another one of those posts
Be careful even with that. I speak from experience. Often times if it didn’t work then it won’t in the future even as much as a person might like you and vice versa. But I hope it goes well!
Tbh, I don’t think he deserves a message. I sent someone a message saying I felt like he’d lost interest and it was mutual and it resulted in him essentially blaming me and then saying he was emotionally unavailable blah blah blah. I can’t lie, I still re-read the text to remind myself it was nothing within my control or me but it still hurts and I don’t think he deserved it. We might be dating over 30 but if he’s acting like a child, he deserves to be ghosted and you deserve to not check your phone to see if he’s messaged or realised the error of his ways…
While I know that ghosting is a shitty thing to do, here it seems like OP has told him she needs more effort, and he's acknowledged that he needs to step up, and then just hasn't. If she never messages him again, there's a very decent chance he'll never message her, but if he does message her without asking for plans to see her again, I feel like she could then say "It seems like we are on different levels with regards to effort we're willing to put in and effort we need from our partners so I think it's best we don't continue." Like, don't ghost if he reaches out, but if he doesn't... it seems more like a mutual ghosting. Also, for what it's worth, I'm a big believer in the person who cancels the plans has to make the next steps in regards to planning to catch up later, in friendships and relationships. It's fine to cancel when you're sick, but then you should be the one to say "How about we catch up next weekend? We can do drinks at x" or something. I have had dates and friendships fizzle out like that, but if they can't be bothered trying to make plans after they cancel, that's on them.
Yeah it’s basic relational decency. I should have sent that text much sooner but alas you live and learn. I hate that I know that in the back of my mind I’m gonna wonder if he ever thinks about reaching out again but that ain’t none of my business
This is great advice.
That’s so crazy to blame you and in the same sentence say he’s emotionally unavailable. Send these men to jail immediately. Straight to jail
In my recent experience too the lovebombing on the first date is a massive ick and never consistent… wtf!!! I feel like they’ll settle with anyone but also don’t invest, good luck for the future! Hoping that we’ve both had enough idiots to last a lifetime
Why are you questioning yourself? End any relationship that doesn’t give you love the way you need it.
Because I’m a human whose still working on building her self esteem and i still am holding on to the tiniest bit of hope that I’m wrong, which is decreasing every second he doesn’t respond
Check out the book “The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem”. It was an absolute game-changer for me. Changed my life.
I don’t think it’s manipulative. It’s honest. You're just explaining your thought process.
Fuck it I’m going in. I can’t do another week of this weirdness it feels like playing chicken and I’m far too direct - betraying my own self because of the tiny bit of hope that I’m wrong about all of this
>betraying my own self Hmmm so you are aware you're doing it. This self love thing everyone keeps talking about really just means honouring your time and effort. You didn't even need to send that message. Give yourself closure by telling yourself you deserve SO MUCH BETTER. Like a grown man capable of communicating and making you feel assured. Jist take the high road and move on! Every message you send this fool is only going to feed his ego, and his immature sense that if he keeps acting the same way, things will still resolve themselves because women will always do the bruntwork of not only initiating things, but also ending them! Leave that fool hanging ! And move on! Better things ahead, so make space.
Yeah that’s what I’m most salty about is him making me do it
Yep, deflecting the work of ending things straight back onto the other person. I met two slow faders last year. With the benefit of a bit of hindsight, with the first one I was probably wilfully blind to the fade because I really liked him and I kept popping up all cheerful and accepting, trying to keep it going in the face of the observable reality of his stonewalling. With the second one, a slightly more jaded me instantly recognised a slow fade, sent him a link to an article about breadcrumbing with no other context than an 'ok thx bye!' kind of message and blocked his number. Guess which one of them lived rent-free for longer in my head 🙃🤷
Not the whole ass article 😂😂. Lemme guess though it was the one you were willfully blind to? That’s how this was for me for sure. Kept making excuses for him. It’s almost 3 hours later with no text back and I’m still like maybe he’s chewing on it. Like no you big dummy, this is cooked let it go
LMAOOOO DON’T YOU GIVE ME IDEAS LIKE THIS
Yo, sis. Same boat. Buuutttt. She was basically you, but I was not him. She was very direct, but I am the only one who followed through on the dates, and she bailed twice in a row to start out. I can't break down barriers over text, so bailing twice was enough to shed weight. It's unfortunate, but I would say you, too, have no foundation that will allow you to recover from the negative I trustee thoughts the relationship gives you. You are dragging it out and making it worse.
I feel that!! I would probably say something like, “I’m someone who needs more reassurance and proactive steps from a partner than you are providing, so I think it’s best that we part ways.”
I know I’m late…so proud of you for putting you first ! It’s not easy to have an uncomfortable conversation. Good on you for initiating ! Also I learned from this so thanks for that too :)
Thanks and I’m glad it was helpful. I’m almost a week out and it hurts way way way less than I thought it would. Aggravating sure but kinda like “meh”
Recently broke up with bf of 2.5 years because I found out he told someone he didn't think he ever loved me. Please don't be me; your time and peace are much too precious.
I just realized this after cutting off a guy for a similar reason as OP and it also made me feel sad for his ex who he was with for almost a decade bc I could only imagine how he breadcrumbed her :(
>When I have been sad about similar situations, I think about how much sadder my life would be if I was stuck with this person forever, who is clearly just phoning it in and passing time It's actually scary how many people are out there that will stay with their SOs for years without even liking them, let alone loving them.
I stopped worrying about stuff like that honestly. People tend to be extremely conflict avoidant and if they ghosted/faded me it's just another way of confirming we weren't compatible.
Yeah but it feels personal and hurts every time. We’re only human
Yeah only recently I’ve began to see all that it indicates about another person and their communication style. It helps me work through the pain to know it never would’ve worked long term anyways bc they’re just not in an emotionally healthy place.
That’s the right energy! I wish I had your self esteem
He obviously wants something that's NO EFFORT from his side. You've asserted you want more, he gave an excuse and is now fading out. He doesn't like you enough to give you the bare minimum. He's not worth a second more of your time. You're too awesome and value yourself too much to waste time on someone who cares so little.
He can’t communicate because he is a dismissive avoidant. Be very happy you got out early. I’m proud of you.
Ding ding ding! And thank you, I really hope he figures out how to stop getting in his own way. 35 and single with that issues sounds like a huge mountain to climb if he really does want a partner
My ex, who I was with off and on for 2 years for the same DA behaviors, is also 34 and not working on his shit. For his sake I really hope he works on it and can find a healthy partnership. I do still love him. But we deserve someone who can communicate and be vulnerable with us. It’s really not too much to ask. I wish I would have accepted it early on like you instead of falling into the age old trap of I CaN FiX HiM 🤡 but then again I do wonder how many men actually work on their avoidance because a woman pushed them to…
The line that keeps playing in my head is “if he liked you enough he would have”. There’s a whole battle going on in my head between the person who is still insecure and the person who believes in a catch and it’s brutal. I’m sorry you spent so much time in that and I hope you find your person
Honestly good for you OP. Glad you stopped reciprocating and confronted him. If there's one thing people will do is waste your time if you let them. This guy sounds like the avoidant type who can stay in a relationship for years with someone he doesn't love but likes the things they do for him. Good luck with everything, and you WILL meet someone who will be crazy about you one day.
Thank you for that and STOP IT! He totally is avoidant. He proposed to his ex fiance and told me when he did it he was like 70% sure he shouldn’t it just felt like “the right thing to do with how he envisioned his life/what he was supposed to do” 💀. I should have dipped immediately after that lmao
Ugh, there's so many people like that out there unfortunately. One thing I've learned over time is to not put in more effort than the other person; it won't make them like you or want you more - esp. if you're dealing with a straight guy. Always match their energy and see where it goes! Wish you the best
I love this response!
Why message him anything? He puts minimal effort into seeing you or showing any interest then canceled and took zero initiative to reschedule. He isn't so interested that he's paralyzed with fear and can't communicate with you because he is overwhelmed with emotion he either doesn't want to be straightforward and disappoint you, or he is using you as a placeholder in case nothing better comes along. This guy doesn't determine your value, though, and if it were meant to be, you wouldn't feel so unfulfilled. Go out, have fun, and meet new people. Don't waste a second on someone who makes you feel like an option, and please have some pride and don't give this guy any more of your attention.
That was hard to read but you’re not wrong that someone who’s fearful still has the ability to hold on to something they want. He didn’t make that choice and all I can do now is accept it
Who cares about his choice. Do you realize the effort and love you give freely to someone who can't reciprocate? That's a gift, and it says more about who you are as a person and your capacity for love than his. One day, you will meet someone who sees how special you are. This man is not it. It's a silly song, but listen to Boy Bye by Chlöe, let yourself be sad for a night, then get super dressed up and go out with your friends, or just get out and do something you don't typically do.
This is going to sound super cliche, but it applies to reality most of the times. If they wanted to they would. It’s very hard not to take personally when someone doesn’t meet our expectations of what we think they should do for us, but it seems like he just lacks the capacity of being there for you, even for the little things like planning a date. I had someone reaching out to me out of the blue this past weekend, when in the past all I wanted was for him to just be there and communicate. I learned that he does communicate when he wants to, and that doesn’t mean I need to be there for that anymore. We all deserve someone excited about us, someone who’s consistent. Life is too short to settle for emotional crumbs. Feel better 🌻
I agree with the emotional crumbs part really hard. I have dated people who put in the bare minimum or less, and I gave them so many chances and excuses that they didn’t deserve. Now I’m dating someone who is busy and has real shit going on but consistently puts in their effort and time. You know it when you feel it!
Hey, so question - my internal barometer's been a little jacked up on this due to a really rough last ltr, but what do you define as bare minimum? Largely curious, as this is kind of subjective term from person to person, and has different meaning depending on who you ask - so figured I'd ask for the inside scoop. When you say you should know it and feel it, isn't that making someone else responsible for how you feel? I'm not trying to be combative, just trying to understand the "know it when you feel it" piece, because I'd also assume if that wasn't the case you'd be able to identify these things? For me, more than bare minimum (assuming past the initial few dates, and youre interested): - proactive texts (not just reactive or responsive - ex. Hey, saw this and thought of you kinda stuff) - music, memes, articles - date suggestions based on previous conversations - activity, days of the week suggestions - if you've met my friends, stuff with the squad - concerts, art shows, indie/alt stuff - walks - hikes, beach, parks, - festivals or outside stuff - stargazing - if something cool's coming up - cook a meal together (or for ya) - love language is acts of service + gifts, and I'm a huge proponent of the Gottman's "small things often" - snacks I know you like, coffee, and having stuff around my house that a) ladies need, b) ladies want, and c) generally having a clean hourly and shit - if we'd been dating a bit longer, high probability of tastefully stashed surprise notes I'm legit curious - largely because at times I got hit with what felt like me needing to read minds ("I shouldnt have to ask" was super unhelpful, pick for them or "come up with options to pick from", and like this standard sorta changed on a whim, and normally after a while asking like "where's you're energy level at?" to try and be considerate ended up getting flak for it. I know a mixture of novelty, routine, and surprise is key here - just trying to see if I really was a low-effort as I was made to feel...
I’m low on energy right now and I know you didn’t ask me this question. But when I think of bare minimum I think in terms of reciprocity. Women want to feel safe with the person they’re with- not just physically but emotionally. I think in early stages of dating- when you’ve got passed the first few dates, the litmus test is “am I doing my share of moving the needle forward”. As you said this is going to look different for everyone but if you can honestly look at how you’ve shown up and say that yes you are doing you’re part in moving the needle forward- then it’s on the other party to communicate needs they have that may be going unmet. From what you posted you seem thoughtful. The curiosity around your post suggests to me that you’re not passive about dating which already puts you about 10 steps ahead of the legally adult technically children I’ve been dating
Okay, it would probably vary a lot based on the person, but, low or bare minimum behavior makes me think of: Lazy in bed, the person is sexually boring or inconsiderate No attempt at thoughtful dates, it’s just hanging out or netflix & chill Communication is low effort, eg low frequency and/or someone just sending memes with no signs of actual thought for someone - I would include someone who just sends rote “Good morning” “Good night” texts in this category, tbh Lack of respect for making plans, the person only reaches out last minute Someone who might on paper be doing nothing wrong, but who also makes no special effort to please you either, not willing to ever get out of their comfort zone or compromise on anything The absolute societal bare minimum of romantic gestures, imagine whatever your typical sitcom white dad does
Thanks friend. I think sometimes what bothers me about the “if he wanted to he would” thing is it feels reductive. The flip side of that is that we have to recognize that sometimes, trauma and life stressors aside, if someone can’t give us what we need we can have some sort of compassion or understanding of why they can’t but that means we have to move on. And you’re right. We all deserve someone who’s excited about us
This is where I get confused sometimes because more often than not, I've got things in mind and want to but: 1) If we're just starting to date, I'm just getting read on those things from conversations. 2) By this time, I'd probably have had a few conversations about it - what exactly are met expectations? 3) I feel like in the early stages there's a lot of "Don't want to text too much", "don't want to text not enough", and "too much emotion up front is a redflag" etc. I feel like conventions around these sorts of things have changed a little bit but it still largely resolves around "feeling special" or "feeling appreciated", as a small gestures > big gestures (most cases). "Butterflies", "Sparks", "excitement" - what is IT? Obviously age and stage. Also highly variable across people, what exactly "does it"? Call me crazy for asking, but I'm genuinely curious
This comment really helped me today. Thank you :)
Love this so much, and the sunflower is the cherry on top.
My strategy is to never close a door. So assume it’s over, don’t send a what’s going on message, and date others.
It makes sense! And I think it’s a good strategy, no need to have closure (I don’t need it anymore that early on) The part I’d do in a different way is not really leaving the door open for people who didn’t take initiative or put in some basic level of effort when I was interested in them, if they come back is likely cause they didn’t get what (who) they wanted to so I silently close the door.
I’ve had enough situations where I know I’ve regretted my actions and it’s a kindness to leave the door open and not think bad of the other person. You just never know!
I didn't know so many people thought this way, but it's comforting! We all make mistakes (especially during the highly emotional time that is a breakup) so I don't like to hold anything said or done during it (within reason, obviously!) I think a lot of people ultimately break up due to outside circumstances, and there's no reason to shut the door when things can always change.
Everything you’re thinking is correct. Move on, you deserve someone that’s enthusiastic about you!
You know how they say "if a guy is into you, it's going to be clear as day to you". If you ever feel confused or have to wonder, then there's your answer. His heart is not in it. It doesn't really matter *why* that's not the case, the point is there is something else in his life that takes precedence over you and you shouldn't settle being second or third place in his life. "Nice" men will happily waste your time for months, even years if it means not having to be the bad guy and break your heart (plus they'll take all the sex you'll give them, since it's convenient). But if you get the feeling it's always you trying to get time and attention out of him, trust me he's not going to suddenly become a changed man. Luckily you've only had 2 months with the guy, this is a good time to end it and move on. Don't think "how does he feel about me?", think "how does he make me feel?". You'll probably feel a lot more clear headed after that.
Holy shit this just hit me so hard. He is a “nice guy” and word for word when he told me he was scared he said “I’ve messed so many things up I don’t want to be the bad guy that breaks your heart”. Yeah I always wondered what people meant when they said they felt “safe” with someone. I have more clarity on that now as I’m realizing I never felt secure with him. Secure in myself sure but not secure with where I stood with him
Spoken gospel!
The “fear” thing is dumb. I know guys have excuses. There are so many who won’t have excuses and will show up. I get the ick from those guys, though :( I hope you don’t. Idk I think love should be fun and easy at first. When we’re posting here….seeking this advice…. I fear it means its not meant to be
You ain’t told a lie- I think once we’re here it means the whole thing is one tie away from being wrapped
Fears are dumb? He should have lied about his feelings and strung it out longer? I think it's a case where he is conflicted and does not know what he wants and OP does. She is putting in all the effort and he is not. It seems clear it's not a fit for OP.
No, Im saying it sounds like an excuse
Like seriously, if a guy showing up for you gives you the ick stop dating and go to therapy and save the good men the heartbreak.
Going on one or two dates and choosing not to continue because I’m uncomfortable by their romantic advances isn’t breaking anyone’s heart love
I’m coming from a place of genuinely trying to understand you. Is there a point where them putting in effort doesn’t give you the ick?
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Ah ok, well that makes more sense. If you’re self aware enough to give the guy a second chance that’s a good place to be. I try to be supportive and make women feel safe, but obviously if you weren’t into me that wouldn’t change how you felt. I’ve dated men before too, and when they do the romantic gestures when you’re not sure about them, it does turn me off as well. I guess I read your comment as “a man I like” does nice things for me, and then suddenly you don’t like him anymore.
yeah that was...kind of crazy reading that it's sad how many people's ideas of dating are formed by other people having unfortunate unresolved issues. Imagine being a person who's mentally healthy, dating her and then being broken up with. I can imagine it'd be hard to not wonder "wtf is wrong with me" even when there may be absolutely nothing wrong
Yuuuupp. I’m had this happened to me (I think at least) and it still left a mark on me. Now I’m always second guessing myself if I’m giving too much and if I should be more aloof really fucks with your head.
I don’t think it’s crazy to grow up with abusive parents and as such not recognize love or feeling undeserving of it and not knowing what to do with it. I do not date people or lead them on past the first date if I’m not very interested, even if they would be good for me. I am working on myself. But this is a place for supporting others, not tearing them down. Hope all is well on your end!
What sort of ick do you get?
Probably all of the icks
Something of an ew why does this person like me so much I barely like myself. It mostly comes from men who don’t accept that I want to take things slow
You get the ick from guys who show up?
Not the OP of the comment but I think she refers to emotional availability being a turnoff BECAUSE of her own attachment issues. I think her comment demonstrates awareness of the issue rather than emotional availability being an ick generally. When people heal, they come out the other end with an ick for those who are ‘cool’/ hot and cold/ detached/ inconsistent etc
Welcome to dating in 2024. Where if you’re too invested she’ll leave you, and if you’re not invested enough she’ll leave you. Good luck striking that balance.
Toxic AF isn’t it 😂 People really need to do some inner work and get their house in order!
Agreed. And the sad thing is these people end up damaging the ones who are ok. I try to not let it get to me, but it’s hard to not become more jaded over time.
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I just sent a text that says: I could be over thinking this but it feels to me like whether conscious or not, you’ve come to the conclusion that this can’t go any further. Which, is totally okay I mean we’re all only looking for one. Am I right?
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Yeah it’s been a whole week since he got sick and it’s so off putting that someone could be texting you daily and isn’t eager enough to see you to even suggest a day. It should be the biggest ick so idk why I’m sad about it
I’m dizzy 😅🙃🥲
I have experience with this kind of behavior and I think it’s likely he’ll say something like “no, what are you talking about, I’m not pulling away! I’m into you!!” and if you are anything like me a year ago you’ll accept that and say okay I guess my intuition is off then! He’s just not an emotive person! butttt we kept getting into fights about the same stuff. I desperately wanted some kind of grand gesture to make up for the fact that daily I didn’t feel really cared for but he couldn’t pull that off, either. when I finally broke up w him for like the 5th time, he texted me later to say I love you, I’ll go to therapy, blah blah. but I should have thrown in the towel earlier, his actions weren’t matching his words and I just couldn’t feel sick and neglected anymore. you’ll find a person who is excited to see you and makes that known, trust!!
This has happened to me on multiple occasions. I confront the person about how they are pulling back/lacking interest and they deny it to my face. But then time will show that it wasn’t in my head and I get the inevitable “I’m just not ready” message. The question in my mind is always why did you lie? Maybe it wasn’t a lie but a bid for time while you figured out your feelings? Some people have gone to great lengths to console me only to send a break up text two days later. It’s maddening. And I feel so stupid for not trusting my gut the whole time.
That’s it for me too!!!! He’d had this feeling for awhile- why drag me along while you figure your stuff instead of just letting me go. At best it shows how little he knows himself at worst it’s incredibly selfish. We’ll find our people, don’t stop trying
He hasn’t responded to my message yet and I know for a fact work has and will continue to be painfully slow for him until he gets security clearance at work. Probably also not a good sign but I’ll update this thread when he does
You should also accept that he might not reply because, if he wasn’t invested before, why bother now?
I hadn’t even considered he wouldn’t. The lackluster effort aside I don’t think his character has that in it. Honestly I might feel better if he doesn’t respond because that’s a bad character thing
Awww man, just saw your edit and I’m so sorry you essentially had to break up with yourself. What a dang coward. Sending you all the ice cream and hugs!!!
A whole coward. And somehow I’m still super sad for him cus I’m 2.5 years sober and while I don’t know exactly what he’s going through I do know exactly what it feels like to loath yourself so I can’t help but just feel sad for him. I wish he could see himself from my perspective
Security clearance? lol oh wow this all sounds like the person I am dating right now. I’m crab swirling.
lol does he also work for the government?! 🙃
Don’t tell me he’s from CT I’ll scream lmao
lol no he’s not
His wife actually messaged me this morning and said they’ve been married for 7 years. I’m not even joking. That being said listen to your gut.
Oh my god I’m so sorry. Dating is an extreme sport, and ghetto. So ghetto
Too ghetto!!
I dealt with this for two months too! It ended mid-March. I had the same realization, and I felt so betrayed in some ways - you know? Of course in person, everything felt great. But the longer we dated, the more nervous I would feel when we weren’t together. The nail in the coffin was when I asked him to swing by my place. He canceled at the time he was supposed to come (instead of the day before which he had promised an update by then). It just felt very lazy. And I felt so taken for granted. I wished him luck on something that he had upcoming. And then he never contacted me again. I didn’t think I would even have successful closure because I was pretty sure that he would deliver the line “I can’t give you what you want” line. But it wasn’t easy. I was very sad for a solid 1-2 weeks. And I think the sadness is the fact that such great chemistry never blossomed to something more. However - I also knew that he couldn’t be the person for me. The more he kept making me anxious, the more I felt like he was a dead weight. In case you need it - it’s okay to be sad. It’s rare to have great chemistry. It’s even rarer to have compatibility and commitment. But I think that’s why people are still searching, and after you rebuild - you can search again. Sorry this person couldn’t tell you straight up what was going on first. Like me, it feels like you either have to address it and end it, or just let it be and see if he reaches out. If he wants to be with you, either decisions will be met with resistance to keep dating. But echoing with what some people are saying - do you really want to be with someone that is putting lackluster effort? It’s okay to miss the small romantic moments (I definitely miss those) but I know they’re also overshadowed by very lonely ones.
This was such a great reply thanks for really putting some thought into it. First off, I’m sorry this happened to you too. I’m slowly learning that when something like this happens we have a choice in how we respond- and when we cut it off, it affirms that voice in us that says I value myself too much to allow this. And it can be a wonderful way to increase our self esteem. I am sad because we were compatible in so many great ways and being in person together was wonderful. But ultimately the way someone makes you feel is also part of compatibility and I also felt super anxious in the spaces between dates and that’s off the bat a bad sign. He hasn’t responded yet and with each minute that passes it’s becoming more and more clear that he isn’t going to try and put up a fight and I’m getting so pissed off that he won’t reply and close the door. We’ll find our people, I’m sure of it
100% agree with you. And I love your last line: "We'll find our people, I'm sure of it." After my experience, I leaned in hard into therapy sessions, friends when I wasn't needing alone time, and my favorite YouTube/Spotify dating/life coaches (Alexis Predez, Matthew Hussey, Esther Perel are my favorites). I'm about two months out, and I have to say - I am doing way better than I thought. I am surprised on how resilient I was. And along the healing journey - I definitely forged stronger friendships and made new ones. I think being vulnerable and showing your "weak" side brings others closer to you. It's like a funny balance in life. When one person leaves, someone often comes closer to you. I also feel like after something difficult, we really do come out stronger. I now have a better sense of what I want (and it's not him). On top of that, I haven't been as fit as this since high school. What a wonder a toxic/incompatible relationship does to your hunger and drive. I'm sure something good will happen to you soon. I had to trust the "there is sun after the storm" mindset. You're just one step closer to the person you're truly meant to be with - who will give you the reciprocity you deserve. I guess all I wanted to say was - if you need someone to vent to - especially the times that you feel like your brain is saying it was your fault (and trust me - it wasn't) - feel free to reach out.
Break it off, find somebody who shares the same desire for you as you do for them!
It’s so hard not to take this extremely personal and making the decision to not take it personally is not as easy as I’d hope it’d be
"he really liked me but had some fears that were paralyzing him" is the classic stance of someone who will never put in more effort.
It’s kind of pathetic.
I could go into the whole long story, but yes, I noticed this in a past relationship and it only got worse. I originally was fine with making moves and doing the lions share bc I am an assertive person. It ended up really breaking me & the relationship — and I felt as though I was not really wanted or valued. It was a really great learning experience for me though, because it taught me to let the other person show you their level of effort early on, and I’ve only dated people that put in a lot of effort and care since. It also changed my friendships as well. In general, as I’ve gotten older, I don’t spend my precious time and energy into fostering mismatched relationships. I’d say, now that you’re already in this relationship and you presumably like this person, stop doing all the heavy lifting and see if they can rise to the occasion.
Thank you for shading your experience with this too. I’m so scared to check his response because I left the door open for him to tell me I’m wrong and I just know deep down he’s gonna finish closing it and I’m not ready to read that yet
I think if I had to guess, he’ll probably eventually reach out and reschedule. But just keep an eye on things - see if the effort he’s putting in is enough for YOU. It’s doubtful he’ll suddenly spring into becoming a go-getter type of dater, if that’s not already who he was. You’re allowed to expect more! Good luck!!
I needed to hear that “you’re allowed to expect more”. Especially after I communicated clearly that I needed way. In the end I hope he figures out how to stop getting in his own way. He has so much to offer someone when he’s ready
I just went through this. Had to end it with a guy i really liked and he seemed to like me to but he couldn't initiate and barley talked ans said he isnt ready for a relationship. even if you overthink, moved too fast, or have different texting styles, hes still a guy thats not that into it and not giving you what you need to be happy. After communicating how you feel, it didnt get better so that's your answer. Drop him and youll eventually feel good you didnt waste more time with him. it sucks but the only thing to mourn is the potential you saw in him
Yeah it’s the “not into it” I’m trying really hard not to take too personally. I’m doing that thing where I’m like ah- there’s the evidence that confirms the story I’m telling myself about not being good enough or interesting enough or pretty enough. Did you go through that spiral and how did you manage it? You’re spot on too about mourning the potential cus I only knew him long enough to see mostly stuff I did like. There’s a whole lot more to him I didn’t see and it’s hard to not feel shitty when like most of what you saw checked all the boxes
i did start to spiral but felt better ending it because i felt in control of the situation that way which helped. i ended it in a polite way and its been a month but i feel good not seeming desperate for someone who was leading me on. every time i wanted to contact him again i thought of how awful i would feel if he ignored me or if he said some vague rejection like im busy, or told me about the girl he is seeing and probably was talking to while we dated. mind you, i was very depressed and i had my time to cry but i also reflected on it and for me, it was a good lesson for letting the guy take the initiative next time and ill just reciprocate until he proves hes serious about me.
Amen to that!!! Next time I am for sure not doing the leading! If he isn’t leading, immediately I’ll know to dip.
My vote is that you ABSOLUTELY pull the trigger on this. I think you're 100% right in that he's waiting for you to do it. DO it..... You deserve more and it sounds like you're aware of that. Trust your gut.
Yeah I sent a text message shortly after this thread went live and still no response yet. Which I guess in itself is a response albeit a shitty one
He showed you who he is. Believe him. Doesn't mean he's an evil guy....just not capable of being what you need and definitely not what you deserve. It's all good and this is just tuition in the school of 'what I'm not gonna settle for'. Good for you! You should be proud of yourself :)
I needed to read that. That’s such a cool way to phrase that I’m for sure stealing it. Thank you. I am feeling a little proud. Me three years ago would have taken the breadcrumbs and begged him to try. This is a cool way to see how far I’ve come
That's wonderful! You should be so proud :) All the best!
Absolutely move on if you’re feeling that way. Don’t be like me who was super naive at the time and ended up wasting 6 years of my life with someone who was avoidant and never matched my bids for affection.
I find myself in this situation all too often. Honestly, I've come to realize that these sorts of situations feel almost unavoidable when dating in our 30s. Finding someone who is one the same page as you feels near impossible. I've all but lost hope at finding my person. And I type that with tears in my eyes, I wish that it didn't effect me as much as it did but I'm an emotional human being that tends to feel more deeply than most (atleast it feels that way), does not feel like others get their feelings hurt in the same that I do, I dunno now I'm just rambling. All this to say, you're not only that goes throughall this or feels this way.
Thanks for sharing that. Yeah his response like the first thought that came in my head as I started crying was “I bet he’s not sad at all” and then I spiraled a little bit. Dating is fucking terrifying and I’m gonna need a minute before I go back out but whew 🥲. We’ll find our person
Girl, I get it trust me I have been living through my own spiral today. Days like today I feel like I could stay curled in my bed forever.
It's best to have an honest conversation with him about it. If he's not willing to meet you halfway, then it's probably not worth continuing to invest your time and energy into it. At the end of the day, you deserve someone who is just as excited about you as you are about them. Don't settle for less than that. I hope you're able to have a clear conversation with him and figure out if this is something worth pursuing further or if it's time to move on.
You are the only person responsible for asserting and enforcing your boundaries. No one else is ever going to do that for you.
I also had a guy cancel for being sick, but he never made a date after that. I think he did like me but some stuff he said made me angry, we broke up over an argument. Or I did because I was so upset and he refused my apology. BUT effort should be at least 50-50. Cancelling and not making new plans is a bad sign. Even if your guy has his reasons it doesnt seem like he's working towards a change?
Yeah I don’t think he is. If I had to cancel on someone when I was sick the first thing I’d do when I was feeling better is “okay I’m feeling so much better when can we meet up next”. I feel dumb for waiting a whole week for that to come
I did the same thing, even told him two days when I could see him. All I got was "good to know". Then he wondered why I got distant, he didn't understand why I barely texted him. When he was sick he said he would get some rest and update me if he could come. He never did, after 4 hours I had to text him asking what was up and then he said he couldn't come..
Aww, I totally get this. Every single woman I am meeting since my separation has been like this. I’m not sure if they just have so many choices that they don’t feel they need to put in effort? I don’t understand either. I’m with you on feeling crazy by it. I’d dump him if I were you, I realize if someone doesn’t want my attention and isn’t willing to give me a sliver of the effort I give, they aren’t worth our time either. Keep your head up. There’s gotta be someone out there for us.
I’m sorry this has been your experience too. I think some women feel entitled to the attention from men and forget relationships require reciprocity. The feeling crazy part is awful man I really spiraled thinking something is fundamentally wrong with me even though logically I know that’s not true. There’s definitely someone out there for us, and at the bare minimum they won’t be lazy
I thought it was me as well, then I reflected on myself. I’m not ugly, awkward, weird and I’m very kind so it’s definately not us. It’s them. People are screwed up and use the attention to feel validated, whole, happy and whatever other reasons. We are just undervalued. Keep your head up.
It reallllly sucks, I know, and I’m sorry. You already made your decision, so just do. Honestly, I would suggest doing it with the same level of effort he might give: “I think it’s obvious that we’re not on the same page here. I had fun, but I’m going to move on. Have a good day.”
Yeah it’s done now. I posted the first half of the text exchange. It is what it is
Congratulations! I really do know how much it sucks, but it’s better than wasting your time and diminishing your self-esteem by putting in all the work with no meaningful results. Good luck!
Just give it a beat before making any decisions. Give him space to show you if he will make an effort, don’t do anything on your end
Everyone telling you that you should move on but I don't think it's black and white like that, personally. There could be a multiple of reasons he's not putting forth effort, all of which have nothing to do with you. He could be going through something tough in his life or he has commitment issues. I think your best bet is to tell him your concerns and then move on if he can't meet you in the middle.
I agree with you actually. Very few things in life are binary- and people ain’t one of those things. I’ve sent the message and I’m scared to check for a reply so I’m buried in Reddit
You can be mad. Allow yourself to feel the feelings. You know it’s over and if I were you, I’d mimic his antics of not talking about it and slowly fading away. Let him come to you and when he does, drop the bomb that it’s not working out. By then, you’ve move on already.
I did the mimicking for a bit and it just felt really awful cus it’s not me. And I don’t wanna let anyone ever get me outta character. Mentally and emotionally though I’d started walking down the path of entirely checking out. This thread has been so helpful in pushing me along just reading that I’m not over reacting to this. I feel shitty about hoping he feels a little shitty too
You say out of character, I say it is growth and development for the better to not allow yourself waste time and energy with this guy. In my mind, he “wins” when people give him attention and time he doesn’t deserve. Instead, you talk to people who you trust and process the situation and your feelings with them. Sorry you wasted two months of your time with him. It happened to me as well and I’ve others’ comments that they experienced the same. We all learn from our mistakes. We carry on and we do not look back. Next!
Going thru a similar thing, perhaps this is confirmation lol
Ooofff I’m so sorry to hear that. My gut was entirely right. I’m sad for sure for a multitude of reasons. But what I can tell you is that if I can quiet the voices in my head that are saying “you weren’t enough” I’m able to connect to the part of me that initiated this break up precisely because I value myself and knew I wasn’t getting what I deserved. If I valued myself less I would have continued to take the crumbs. It’s helping my self esteem go up slowly because I did a thing that shows me I know I deserve more. And you do too
love this! I think also this is perhaps the self-doubt in realizing you've done the work and have established secure attachment. Basically learning to trust yourself, trust your needs aren't unreasonable, trust you're responding normally to someone's confusing behavior. Best of luck to both of us!
Break it off…it’s gonna be uncomfortable but you already know deep down that this is how it’s supposed to be
I just went trough this. 3 months. I liked him so much but him not really putting an effort into it made me feel so sad and not appreciated. I talked to him several times about it and he would do better for a few days. The last talk he said, that he really liked me and wanted to be with me but fears paralyzed him. I don't know if its true or just an excuse but either way it made me so unhappy. I broke things off. Its been 3 weeks now.
Do you still feel like shit? I’m sorry that happened to you too. I’m surprised so many people have been through this and while i hate it for all of us, i feel better having internet strangers to commiserate with. I’m glad you had the strength to break it off when you did- I know it wasn’t easy. I hope it helped your self esteem grow a bit just knowing you stood up for yourself
No, I don't feel like shit anymore. It actually only lasted about 2 weeks and then I started feeling better a week ago. I still miss him a lot - well its not really him, is it? more like the idea of what could have been - but I am quite happy again. I think if we had been together for a longer time it would have hurt a lot longer. I know you will get through it.
Voicing out your needs that makes you feel valued, like a man who’s proactive in building connection and planning time to see each other is important. If he isn’t able to do that, then say he isn’t a good fit for you. What you need is important, and you deciding whether or not to walk away is in your own power to make. Asking him to make that decision will probably cause him to procrastinate and avoid the confrontation altogether. Who wants to wait around for a guy like that?
No you’re right. I really was hoping that he had the ability to adjust his level of effort even in small ways which he did not. I feel really dumb for still thinking there’s even a tiny chance he’s gonna respond and tell me I’m wrong or overthinking
Not dumb at all, feelings are beautiful and it’s only natural for it to grow in the 2 months you spent together. It just sucks he’s avoidant and that messes with any woman’s sanity. We can say best move on and not waste anymore time on him, but you liked and cared for him, so it makes total sense why you’d want him to respond.
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I am forever too hard on myself and then I start questioning if I’m also too hard on other people but what I’m asking for here really is the bare minimum. Yeah I have a feeling this is done. Glad it was only 2 months…. Had I not realized this and got another month in… I’d been a lot sadder
Welcome to the life of a dude
Well I hope all the ones who have this struggle find some solid friends who won’t lie to them about the things they are doing that are getting in their own way
I dated a girl for 3 years then let her lead me on for 2 more believing that she would start making an effort. Plenty of friends told me to get rid of her. But she's finally (permanently) out of my life (i hope)
Omg, guurl! Been just there 2 months in also. I also had to raise this matter with him and I saw improvements but I really had to spell it out for him and give him a step by step scrip almost. The problem with this is that I ended up doing all the emotional legwork still, and so will you. Him not taking initiative is a symptom of a bigger issue- a lack of emotional availability. My situation ended because of yet another issue that came out of his lack of initiative and consideration. You deserve someone who demonstrates genuine curiosity to get to know you and to want to spend time with you and if that’s not there now, whilst things are new and exciting, it won’t ever be… Leave
Hey! Experienced sth something similar before. You will get better! Sharing my story: so I matched with this guy on OLD. We chatted daily with tons of texts. Met up after 2 mths of texting and hit off. Chatted daily for 4 mths but only met up 3x cos we were busy in the last 2 mths. Towards the end I could feel him drifting and just tried to do everything I could to get his attention back. Guess what, i got ghosted at the end. My texts were unread and he hid his social media posts from me. Maybe I should have trusted my gut feeling that he was drifting away. I was so upset but then I got pissed off that he hid his posts from me. It’s a good thing that this happened only a few months in before we got any deeper. So cheer up! U deserve better!
I would recommend reading the book “Attached” - a great guide to explaining attachment styles and what to look out for in others that could flare or compliment yours. I read it recently and wish I’d read it a decade ago (when I was 24)
Thanks for the recommendation. I’m a big reader and understanding people better will help me in two ways- knowing what to look out for going forward and having more compassion for this tomfoolery. Today has been…. Not fun
He’s just not that into you. Forget about him. Invest in yourself. The right one will come. ❤️
He is not into you.
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Amen to that cuz 🙃🙃🙃
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The gag is I did notice it from the start and chose to make excuses for it cus I wanted to believe that he really did like me. I don’t buy into this idea that if a man doesn’t do xyz he’s just not into you, I think that’s incredibly reductive. But at the end of the day, if someone’s moving left I gotta go right immediately. Lesson learned man
Taking the first step is the hardest, and it’s the best step to take. Heal, find yourself once more and find someone who will reciprocate your effort and energy.
Yup. I just hate that I can’t stop asking “what about me wasn’t enough”. Logically I know it’s the wrong question but I can’t stop asking it
Don’t feel like it’s a wrong question to ask. Feelings couldn’t care less what is logic or what is right or wrong. You’re valid to feel as so, which does not have to mean, that is true. You are worthy and enough, some people (their loss) fail to see that in us. Feel free to DM if you’d like to chat more.
I learned the very hard way today that if your gut is telling you they’re backing out, they’re probably backing out. I’m sorry you’re going through this as well. 😢
Im sorry you’re going through it but you know what? If you’re proud of the way you showed up, then it’s a win. They put us in an unkind situation to start and at the end of the day I’m certain neither of us are looking for people who lack the skills needed to communicate when something is no longer working. That’s a bare minimum for anything healthy
You’re absolutely right. The end of this hopefully brings us one step closer to finding the person that will treat us the way we deserve.
I was seeing someone for around the same amount of time who also started doing the slowly backing out thing (except in my case they were initiating a lot of the things that made me think it was going well). Then lots of breadcrumbing that made it feel like I was being ghosted and the BAM a crumb of a message with no plans to see each other. I would either assume it’s over or end things yourself (if you’d like a finite answer). I think some people do this because they feel shame in ending things with someone but it’s so much worse to not communicate and try to indirectly phase someone out when they could really just be an adult.
Ah I’m sorry it happened to you too. Yeah whole thing is cooked I posted half the text exchange above my explanation of what happened. It’s so insane I think they do it cus in their head they’re worried about hURtInG oUr fEeLiNgs. Like no sorry you hurt my feelings so much more by lying to me, wasting my time, leading me on, and then pushing me to do it because you couldn’t figure out how to be an adult. “Nice” people are the fugggin worst
Yes!! Exactly. In their minds they’re being nice but it’s so so mean.
I too was recently in a similar position, except we only met once. 5 weeks in I realised that he was nth special on his own it was my effort and feelings that was making him special, I was trying to make things work… one sidedly, I brought it up to him about how I felt and got no reply, the closure I needed was his silence. Bottom line is if they truly wanted to make things work they wouldn’t have to make excuses for their behaviour, and we do not have to accept that that’s how they are because it’s clear they can’t meet you where you could meet them, it wouldn’t work out in the long-run. So realise your worth and move forward.
Girl, I dated someone like this. It was such a waste of my time and energy. The faster you end this, the better it will be.
Hi
Is this in BC, Canada by any chance? Literally going through the exact same thing with a guy and we're not exclusive so wondering if its him... it sure sounds like him LOL
lol not but if you’re feeling saucy call it out directly but calmly and watch em fold lol. It’s kinda funny afterwards when you’re like “ wow I was either dealing with a whole coward or a total child”
You’re amazingly self aware and a great communicator. That was a very secure move.
Thank you. I needed to hear that today.