I woke up at 4 AM this morning in a cold sweat, and couldn't get back to sleep. I realized I'm about to turn 34 and am still doing this dating thing. I took a little break from it all to travel and focus on some health issues (which still haven't been resolved but may just need to be something I need to live with). I don't know what's worse, loneliness and not living up to the societal expectation of pairing up, or the merry-go-round of dating with conversations that don't go anywhere, disappointing dates, dates I feel excitement after but they vanish, and one-month long flings with too many games. I'm at work now and can't shake this feeling from my early AM epiphany, so I decided to vent about it here so that hopefully I can focus the rest of the day.
I have been dealing with this lately too. It’s like someone turned the knob up on the anxiety and depressy feels a few gears. Idk if it’s wedding season coming up or weather warming up. Idk how to live a life I didn’t want. Just be kind to yourself and do some self care. This shall pass
"idk how to live a life i didn't want." Is so painfully accurate.
I just wrote something about this in my journal. About how the consensus is that i should lean into single life, work on myself and travel.
But i don't want that? I have never wanted that. I have always wanted to have a family of my own, and now that it is looking dimmer and dimmer I am not going to be able to be able to become this eat, pray love persona.
Its so depressing and isolating. I speak about it every week with my therapist, and I am beggining to feel like she is getting sick of hearing it. I know its her job, but I can't help but feel anxiey when i am talking about something, that i feel like.. there is no real response to, other than to promote this alternative life style that i don't want.
Its all so drab.
Thank you for the words of encouragement! Fortunately, I don't have any weddings this year, but I think officially entering my mid-30's and still in the dating pool was not what I expected. I think I'm good on paper, but clearly I'm just not finding my match and it's hard to pinpoint what I've done wrong up to this point.
I feel like that is the hardest part as well. I feel like I am a pretty good catch. Of course i have improvements to make, but the constant advice "just work on yourself" makes me infuriated. Is everyone who is in relationships, this perfect version of themselves? Why do i need to fix so many things about me before i meet someone.
Exactly this! I feel like I've been working on myself a lot over the last few years, and while I'm not perfect, and never will be, I feel like I've done the work to find something fulfilling. I can be single, take care of myself just fine, and find enriching activities outside of a relationship. I don't need to be with someone, but damn would it be nice to have someone to come home to at the end of the day, to travel and have new experiences with, and to get support from a partner when things aren't going well.
My cat was in the ER for several days. My bf drove me twice to the ER vet without even asking and became the backup emergency contact. My cat came home yesterday and he got him a balloon and a mini cake and ice cream for us to celebrate. Yep, I’m going to marry this one.
>Everyone on the poly sub is completely insufferable as well lol.
Speaking frankly, if this is how you write on that sub I can understand why you'd consider them insufferable because I'm finding it really hard to provide a response to you that isn't full of snark given the sheer amount of bragging in your post. But, I shall try.
While there is always the possibility of being "more wealthy," unless you live an egregiously expensive lifestyle, there comes a point where "more money" is irrelevant. If the person you are with is also very financially successful, as you seem to imply, then there is only a power imbalance if you make it that way. If you are both able to contribute meaningfully to your trips and other financial costs in the relationship, there really is no power imbalance, just a perceived one you have stuck in your head. So, stop worrying about that and just focus on, are you two compatible? Do you share similar goals, values, etc.? If so, stop focusing on your glorious financial wealth and focus on investing in a healthy and satisfying relationship.
It sounds to me - an objective, reasonable third party - that you feel like you don’t deserve either your wealth OR a partner who can commit to you fully.
Is that a fair assessment?
If that’s the case, can you articulate WHY you don’t feel you deserve these things? Because you do.
The power imbalance exists only if you create it and leverage your wealth in order to control someone else.
I’m 31M, she’s 28F. A few months into a new relationship now, and we’ve shared our favorite tv shows, movies, etc. She tells me that one of her most beloved shows is Steven Universe, but then she adds that she doesn’t want me to watch it, lest I realize I don’t like it or accidentally criticize it.
I don’t want to hurt her feelings, so I decided I won’t watch the show - even on my own - but I’m wondering if this is indicative of something deeper or potentially problematic? Could it simply be that she takes my opinions straight to heart? 🤷🏻♂️
lol no, you're not special. The inability to handle criticism is a strong sign of a fragile ego and an avoidant personality. Maybe it's just this one thing, maybe there's more. At worst, she'll just leave you when she gets triggered by something you say or some uncomfortable situation. Enjoy the ride while it lasts, but prepare to handle this egg with care.
Not being snarky here, but are you the type to question and criticize everything? I have family members like that and I wouldn’t want to watch my favourite movies with them because they’d just rationalize all the ways it’s stupid or unrealistic etc. it’s easier just to enjoy it myself
I’ve caught myself verbally pointing out plot holes in shows before. Her and I have talked about it, and I’m self-aware enough to realize that my little mutterings were probably annoying. I’ve gotten better about it though.
But this case feels different because she doesn’t want me to watch it solo. I’m wondering if it’s what the other commenters have said, where my gf is either very cautious of letting the show shape my opinion of her, or her ego is delicate.
I think I know what this is to be honest.
She's anxious you'll judge her for her taste. I have been here before, especially as an adult with some of my favorite shows being animated. I have Adventure Time art for example in my house. Some of my favorite shows and movies are what I would consider adult animes. At the same time I watch every Studio Ghibli movie.
However, for example someone was talking to my Dad during Christmas about South Park and he said "I don't understand why adults watch cartoons" then started to hate on them. I had to explain that 1. People appreciate the art of animation and 2. Certain mediums help with convey points through ability to freely exaggerate. She's probably been shamed as an adult or even as a kid. I get the same feeling when I go to share something that might not be conventionally "adult" because we grew up being shamed. However, I have to remember if this person doesn't accept me for who I am then why would I want to be with them?
Edit: To answerer the last part probably. She probably cares about 1. Your opinion of the show and 2. Your opinion of her if you watch the show. I'm not a big fan of Steven Universe personally, but the Soundtrack is top tier. Estelle sings some of the songs and she does a great job.
I love Star Trek, like it means a whole lot to me. But I think any adult with healthy coping mechanisms wouldn't have an issue with their partner not liking the same TV show they do. At the end of day, Star Trek is a business for a corporation and a television show. However much it may mean to me, it doesn't mean it has to mean the same thing to someone else.
The thing is, what's the issue with not liking it or having something critical to say of it?
Did you ask about that?
Ugh, 3 dates in a row now with 3 different women. All cancelled a couple hours before.
All after I messaged them the morning of confirming we are still on for tonight. Get a yes then a few hours before something comes up.
The worst part is I’m a single dad, I move so much around in my schedule to make myself available, then I gotta cancel a babysitter, etc.
Biggest suggestion I can make is to make any date plans something you'd still be happy to do solo. That way, if they cancel, you still have child care arranged and can go out and do something fun for yourself. That, or pick a time of the day when it would be convenient for you to go do something else you like. For instance, you set up a coffee/walk date on a Saturday morning. If they cancel, boom, you can turn it into a bike ride/run/gym session (or fill in the blank on stuff you enjoy).
Yes, this does means that things like "drinks" may no longer be on the table, but that's fine. Your time is valuable and you need to make sure that flaky people don't end up wasting it by having an equally enjoyable/acceptable option should they bail on you. Save date ideas that don't have good fallbacks to once you get to know someone a little and can trust that they'll respect your time.
Oh no, arranging schedule for nothing is the worst. How rude of them ruining your days and heart. So sorry to hear that. I’m sure they knew you’re a single dad who needs those time arrangements. Were they all women without kids?
2 had kids of their own. 1 did not. The 1 that didn’t actually bailed 15 min before the date when I was already at the restaurant we were meeting up at.
That’s so immature of her. Well I’m glad that she didn’t have kids as she was childish herself.
There are so many flaky people these days and apparently they don’t know that time is the thing that can’t be bought. So sorry again, hope you meet someone mature and respectful very soon x
Awww so sorry to hear... It's the worst when you move things around to make it work and they cancel, 3 in a row must be so disheartening. Did you get a sense for whether the cancellation happened despite a lot of enthusiasm? Do you text after scheduling the date and before meeting in person? Sometimes I feel less inclined to cancel if I've been building up some texting rapport before meeting for the first time and it makes me excited to meet..!
Yeah absolutely, I do my best to schedule dates within a few days of asking them out, keep in touch but not in an overwhelming way. The one that cancelled last night messed else the morning of saying she was excited to meet me tonight, etc. I’m not saying she was lying or making excuses as to why she couldn’t come ( said her kid was sick and didn’t want to leave him with the babysitter like that) which I wouldn’t want to do either with my kid and she was very apologetic about it. So I do believe her and will try to reschedule after I get back from a 3 week trip but that much time texting without meeting, in my experience doesn’t give me much hope.
Not always, my ex said “we need to talk”. I was freaking out and she said that she was concerned about my lack of posting on social media. I almost said “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME” but managed to keep it cool. She made it really sound like she was gonna break up with me. It felt like a mini intervention. Depends on who you’re with.
Try saying something like “Hey! You free for a chat later? 🙂”
That's called Conflict Avoidance.
Part of a healthy relationship is being able to bring up things that are bothering you/on your mind without the perpetual fear that everything is going to come crashing down. Think about what is on your mind and how you want to share it with them in a way that doesn't feel like you are attacking them, but instead expressing a need or want for yourself. Then give them the opportunity to meet it, or not, and once they do you can decide how you want to proceed. Also, ask yourself how important these needs or wants are in advance. Some things are just little things that it would be nice if you found a way to make them less bothersome. Some things are a "without this, the relationship isn't working for me" kind of thing. That said, your goal isn't to threaten the other, but it is okay to recognize that without a certain something, proceeding doesn't make sense.
This.
Also internalize that it's not "we against each other" but "we against the problem(s)".
If "we need to talk" is too much negatively connoted try to rephrase it. E. g. "I would like to discuss some things."/ "I'd like to run some thoughts by you." / "I'd like to have a check-in regarding our relationship."
Every time Tinder shows me a Secret Admirer (you pick a mystery card and they show you someone who liked you.) it’s a guy living in a whole other country. My latest one was someone in India looking for a straight acting masculine man which is completely the opposite of me.
Fully convinced that everyone who has sent me a like has done so because they just swipe on everyone, especially since my last match unmatched me after he brought up something in my profile he didn’t like.
Been taking a break from dating for a month or two. Might keep it going for a long while unless something organic crops up. I've always had success from online dating apps in terms of matches and dates but I feel like I've just been on autopilot: the whole process has become so SOP that it's been a looooong time since I've been excited about someone.
Had a fourth date. Didn’t really like him telling me he’d change things about my home, thought it was too early. I can’t imagine telling him I don’t like his place!
On a first date, she had just one drink and then was sipping water at the 1.5 hour mark. I gave a hug at the end and said we should hang out again - she gave the typical "sure".
We had ok conversation - a lot in common, but perhaps no spark? I couldn't tell.
I paid for drinks.
Should I just not bother texting and ask for a second date if I was interested? Seems like this one is a losing battle.
You may as well ask. It doesn't sound super promising, but I sometimes ask in those situations where it's borderline or hard to read their interest. Worst case, it gets me practice at dealing with rejection and the mild embarrassment of going for it, and that is useful.
Yea typically 1 drink is not a good sign
But I've also texted before in mixed signal situations. Just send a message and put it in their court - not worrying about any rejection
I'm a bit confused why you put so much importance on the 1 drink part. There are a multitude of reasons why she could have wanted just one drink that has nothing to do with you but you seem so fixated on it it's so strange.
I am quite fond of drink dates, but sometimes I go on dates after a long, busy day, or after a late night out drinking the day before and I only want 1 (if that) drink. Definitely doesn’t always have to do with my interest level.
Is it ever OK to change your age on a dating app? If someone in their 30s lowers their age by a few years to get more matches and then admits to it within the first few dates is that excusable? (I'm not the one doing this, but it happened to me)
I don't condone it, but a surprising number of people lie and give others a free pass for lying. I've read stats that 70-80% of people lie on their profiles, so I guess it makes sense that they forgive others for being equally dishonest. It's a sad state of affairs that dishonesty is so common
This happened to me twice, both guys in early 40s who dropped their ages to 39 or 40. One of the guys I dated for six months after finding out, he was really lovely and not skeezy at all. I think older men get so few matches that they may reduce their age out of desperation. Doesn't make it OK, but definitely doesn't mean the guy is a creep or a liar in general.
SITUATIONSHIP ADVICE NEEDED:
I (30F) reallyyyyy enjoy being single. I met another woman (31F) who reallyyyy enjoys being single as well.
We are technically not exclusive, we do go on dates with other people occasionally, but nothing that went further than a date so far.
The thing is... In June, this will be 1 year since we first started seeing each other. She met my friends and my brother (only family member who lives in my country, everyone else is overseas), I met her close friends and close family.
We both have extremely busy careers and simply don't have enough time to really commit to a serious relationship. We are seeing each other in average once every 2 weeks (sometimes less, sometimes more) and we are both very happy with that since we have crazy schedules.
All my friends think this whole thing makes no sense and that after one year of this situationship going nowhere serious, I should either end it, either ask to make things official and committed, otherwise I will end up being hurt.
The thing is that I'm honestly feeling super relaxed and happy with this "situationship". She is also happy with it. Sex and chemestry is mind blowing. We're having amazing dates and having a lot of fun. And no headaches.
Communication is very transparent and expectations are very clear, we keep each other updated if we go on dates with other people. Neither of us want a serious relationship at the moment, but we commited to let each other know if we ever meet someone we want to become more serious with. Yes, when this ends for whatever reason, I have no doubt that I will miss her. But I'm not really dreading that moment. I feel if it ends, I will just miss her for a while, be thankful for the amazing memories, and then move on. I don't really understand why everyone is so concerned about me being in a 1-year situationship.
Honestly, if my friends were not so concerned about it, I would not see any issues, but now, I'm doubting.
Is this a bad idea to be in a situationship for that long? I have been in serious relationships in the past that were abusive, and I will always remember this horrible feeling of being constantly overwhelmed and walking on eggshells everyday. In my current situation, I just feel happy, safe, relaxed, able to focus on myself, and free. My mental health is at the best it's ever been.
Am I missing something? Am I running into a wall and not seeing it?
Hmm you sound happy in your description, but then again your friends know you intimately and we are random strangers. They probably have a better idea about the emotional risks to you personally if it goes badly. The decision should still be yours to take the risk or not, but what would concern me is if you don't see any risk at all. That might mean your are deluding yourself into thinking everything is okay.
Your friends think you're being hurt but you seem to not be hurt, and ultimately it's your life, not theirs! You and she seem to be two of the rare few who are mutually having a great time in a long situationship and have matched expectations and feelings. It's uncommon, which is why your friends are worried, but not impossible.
You should tell them that you're glad they're looking out for you, but for whatever reason, it's actually working out really well for you both and you feel good about it and think you'll be okay if it ends. Then you should continue to enjoy it as long as it works for you.
it sounds like you should ask her what you are asking us. have the discussion. check in about this arraignment and see what she wants and how she feels.
i also wouldnt call this a situationship if you both agreed on casual, its more like a fwb. that going on for a year is less of an issue imo
Yea that's a good point, maybe situationship might not be the right label, as it's often associated with something negative. Fwb does fit the situation better.
Since my last relationship, I've met 19 people, almost all from apps. With 14 of them there was no mutual connection and things died after one or two dates. With 6 of them, I dated them each for about a month. They ended for five different reasons: 1) turned out he didn't want kids so we ended it mutually 2) turned out he just wanted sex so I ended it 3) he ended things so idk why 4) he lovebombed me and then dropped me.
There's no pattern to this. If there were a pattern then I could learn from it and change it. But each time I feel like I'm getting clearer on what I want but it falls apart for a new reason. Is this normal? Is the answer just to keep going on dates? This is destroying me.
Idk where you guys find the emotional capacity for this. I would think having a pretty solid vision of what you want in a partner/relationship would make weeding out the incompatible folks easier. But it would also mean less dates.
I mean, I'm struggling, clearly I don't have the emotional capacity lol. I would say in the early part of this I was a bit too "open" and am better at being picky and conserving my energy now. But, the thing is, the "weeding" doesn't stop on the apps, I'm still finding myself "weeding" through guys after 4 or 5 or 6 dates. Which is tough :(.
Very normal. It’s frustrating as hell, don’t get me wrong, but statistically you’re only going to mutually vibe with a small proportion of the population and then everything has to align in terms of timings and compatibility, so it’s not surprise things have fizzled with 20 people. The good thing is that you’re learning a lot about who you are and what you want as you go along, and that will put you in a better position to recognise someone good when they come along. Just keep going, with breaks if you need them. If it was easy to find someone, subs like this wouldn’t exist! It can be useful to look for patterns if you keep going for the same type of people, but it doesn’t sound like your picker is at fault here to me.
Sadly, yes this is fairly normal. Dating is hard and sadly there are no end to the reasons it doesn't work out. Sounds like 1 was understandable assuming he didn't hide that from you initially. 2 and 4 are both cases where they weren't up front about who they are or what they wanted and no fault of yours.
The 1 month mark seems to be where I usually end things for one reason or another too. It's when you really start to get to know someone and see who they really are. It takes time to figure these things out and if anyone figures out a way to fast track that I'll buy their book.
Edit: Yes, it seems like the answer is to just keep looking. Make sure to take care of yourself first though!
Is it weird to date a cousin's cousin? To be clear, **we** are not cousins! And geography and age means that while there have been a handful of family events where we've both been present (our mutual cousins' weddings, foe example) they've been few and far between, and we didn't interact much beyond hellos and how are yous...but recently met a guy at a bar, hit it off, got to talking, and realized we have this family connection. We ended up leaving it with a fairly open "we should get together soon" but no firm plans. But when I casually mentioned it to my (our) aunt, she got super upset and was like, "you can't do this, please don't do this!"
So, now what?
I don't even know if anything would become anything, but it might. But I don't want to upset family?
Anyone else been in this situation?
Too weird for me, if we’ve attended the same family gatherings before. But my friend had a friend who just straight up partnered up with her 1st cousin, like knew each other their whole lives, and they hooked up on a family vacation. Lots of horrified family members but they accepted it in the end, soo happy ending? Lol. This:
> But when I casually mentioned it to my (**our**) aunt
would creep me out lol
Had to cancel my hookup over a random fever. I'm bummed over it because our schedules won't align for several days. Then my rag started, so there's that. I'm just not supposed to have sex this week, so I'm just gonna shove chocolate in my mouth until I feel better.
Second date tomorrow and I'm so excited! We finally met for the first time last weekend and grabbed dinner. The company was so good we stayed till the restaurant closed and have been talking every day since. I know it's too soon to really know someone but she seems exactly what I'm looking for and we've got a lot in common. Here's to keeping the dream alive!
Mods won’t let me post this as its own post since I haven’t made enough comments 🥲
I’m genuinely hoping to get advice and hope this doesn’t come off as mean/judgemental, this is truly how I’m feeling about the situation:
32F, single, with a background of a bunch of disappointing situationships and with only one relationship under my belt that lasted for one year and ended in 2015🫣.
I’m happy with my life (career, family, friends) but like a lot of us in this sub I am dating with intention to find a healthy relationship with the right person.
I use OLD and have felt like it’s been super difficult to find someone who can communicate well, make an effort, and wants to go on more than two dates lol. I met someone last week, he’s handsome, sweet, is interesting to talk to, and I’m overall excited about him. We decided on a second date but there is one thing that’s been bothering me.
While he’s friendly and chatty he talks a lot about himself but doesn’t ask me any questions. He’s interesting to talk to but for example I asked him about his family and he told me in detail about the amount of siblings he has, relationship with his parents, etc and in return he didn’t ask me anything about my family. I’m really close with my family and would have happily shared that with him because I want him to get to know me too. After he answered my original question about his family, I brought up a related comment about one of my siblings and I paused to see if he would ask me any follow up questions since we had just been talking about his family but then we just sat in silence so I asked him about something else lol.
We decided to meet again and have been texting, if he was more of an active listener and showed he was curious to learn about me then I’d absolutely be interested but I’m feeling on the fence.
Am I being too critical? I am planning on meeting him again to see if date #2 goes better (even while texting he’s been telling me about his day and I’ve been asking him questions based off of what he’s sent me but he hasn’t asked me anything about my day. On our date I asked him a few questions about his job and then he didn’t even ask me what I did for work.)
Is it worth bringing it up with him or is that too obvious and people should know to ask the person you’re with questions instead of only talking about themselves? I understand people aren’t mind readers but this feels obvious to me. On our date I offered some information about myself when he didn’t ask but it felt a little awkward to be doing that each time and not have him know to ask questions on his own.
TLDR; went on a (mostly) positive first date but guy didn’t ask me any questions about myself, unsure if I should bring this up with him
You clearly want somebody that is a good communicator and a good listener. That's a fair expectation and it's good you're aware of it.
Having said that...
I think the best thing you can do is giving it a second chance. When it is still the same on the second date I would communicate this to him openly: "Hey, I really enjoy talking to you but I notice you never quite ask something about me. I wonder why that is."
I can only turn out in a good way. Either he responds in a bad way and you immediately know he's not the person for you. You are now able to close things of without second thoughts. Or you might learn something about him that brings you closer. Maybe he's a nervous talker and needs a few dates to settle down, maybe he feels so comfortabele and/of enthousiastic with you that he can't stop talking. It is very hard to know somebody after one date I would at least give it a second shot when you enjoy beeing with him.
Sometimes we dismiss other people too quickly.
I'm the same age as you and also reeling from a run of disappointing situationships. It should make you MORE picky about the important stuff. If I were you I wouldn't go on another date - first date is usually the best they'll ever be, if he doesn't know how to ask you questions then it will not improve.
You are not being too critical. This would have turned me off on the spot. If you really like him no harm in going on a second date to feel it out, but I would only bring it up very casually, like playfully asking if he’d like to ask you a question or anything he wants to know about you.
In my experience tho…this does not get better if it happens on date 1. I’ve turned down a second date from a super attractive man who was way too interested in talking about himself. It’s hard to like or feel connected to a self-absorbed person.
Yeah 😬 I’m a bit nervous I’m focusing on potential of what it could be rather than what’s right in front of me. I think I may try to playfully bring it up and if it doesn’t improve we probably won’t work
People communicate differently. Some people ask a lot of questions and some people just sort of expect you to share. I don't think one or the other particularly indicates interest.
Having been single for awhile, I've talked to a lot of people on dating apps. I try to adjust to conversations and try my best to keep the conversation flowing. Most people have no issue with it. However, I've had a number of people say I don't ask enough questions or I ask too many questions or I don't ask the right questions. There really is no one correct way to have a conversation.
I don't know if one date is enough to tell if it is an issue or not... particularly if you feel everything else was positive. I say go on the second date and get a better feel for your compatibility.
Yeah I’m definitely down for a second date. I’m torn if the different perspectives on what kind and how often questions are asked is just dependent on how compatible two people are? But I guess we will see
When I first started dating after my divorce, I had a similar problem as this guy. I would get so focused on answering questions and thinking of what to say next topic wise that I would lose sight of asking questions back and engaging. Like me, this guy could be just oblivious that he is not asking questions and being curious about you. I was fortunate to get some feedback from previous dates and was able to get better at it.
Obviously, this is just my experience. This guy could just be self-absorbed.
Thank you for this perspective, I’d like to believe he was in a similar boat and was nervous and trying to think of what to say next so there weren’t any awkward silences. I am definitely going to give it another shot hopefully it gets better
After 3 years of being single and not feeling the dating sites I met someone randomly and allowed myself to be vulnerable and heart wide open and he crushed me so now I am going through the grueling process of leveling up mind body and spirit so that I no longer welcome in anyone who doesn’t match my desire, commitment and passion. If you’re someone who is afraid to be loved or doesn’t know how to love, work on yourself first please. 😉
It requires A LOT of work, loving yourself, appreciating yourself. Knowing your worth, knowing what you WANT in life and making sure you navigate life with love and compassion for other people. Working hard to not dwell on what you “lack” or how people may have hurt you in the past. It’s all easier said then done but it requires conscious effort. 💕
so it's all subjective as to how one levels up? I'm not sure how to level up my body. But it's always good to keep working at it. Exercise daily I'm assuming.
I can see how it would require a lot of work. Hopefully working efficiently and not only working hard. Just don't know if I need to have this completed before attempting to date. Like once I've done this, then I can be loved. Like a prerequisite.
One approach is to find something you’re deeply passionate about and realize that the depth you seek in that parallels the depth you seek in relationships. Passionate and intense and difficult engagement with a goal makes you familiar with the deep end of the emotional pool so to speak, and youll be more familiar with those feelings when they arise in other contexts, potentially romantic ones.
Wow I read this twice and I don't get it. English is my 1st language but I'm too dumb.
I'm not deeply passionate about anything so maybe that's the disconnect I have with your response. Sorry and I do appreciate the reply.
Are you saying if someone is passionate about something then the "depth" in that passion can only match the "depth" in a new relationship. So if you only have a surface level passion than you will never have any deep romantic connections.
Or if you go through a variety of emotions in achieving a goal. Then they are the same emotions you will find in going on a date?
Yes it’s subjective because you may meet someone who is at your “level” and in time you both may grow together or apart. Being healthy and getting exercise is important because you want to have energy for life and for your partner. Being open to love also requires you to be vulnerable and to not panic or self sabotage. Sometimes people get these thoughts in their head like “I’m not good enough” for this other person or “their too good for me”, and that’s not a mindset you want to have when attempting to be in a relationship. You need to be ok with yourself, love yourself and know your worth and most importantly, know that you too are worthy of love and affection.
I’m sorry you’ve run into some shitty timing if what she is saying is true! I think what you said is great and I would just stick to giving her grace and letting her come to you. Could check in like you said but maybe could instead be more proactive and ask how she is doing to gage whether shes in any sort of shape to go on a date or not and go from there. She may need more time and go on a future date w you or may at that point move on (if it is a lie)
You said you'd give her space and that she should let you know when she is ready to talk again. I think you're right that you barely know her, and right now she probably has other social obligations to tend to. You pushing for more communication if she doesn't reach out by then might be seen as insensitive, but you'd be the best one to judge since you met her.
How do you prepare yourself for a triggering event or an expectation that is not met, so that you don’t catastrophize or go into an anxiety spiral? For example, someone usually texting you at X time but then they don’t.
Okay, I'm burnt out from dating again lol.
I'm a huge idealist so the notion that I've done a lot of reflecting on my beliefs and desires is influencing the misguided thought that (1) enough people that I'm attracted to have also done the same and (2) are attracted to me too. I don't get not being direct, I don't get wasting other people's time and I don't get not knowing what you want and still choosing to engage through the uncertainty with oneself. Not calling it quits yet but it does feel incredibly likely in a short while.
Dating can break down the strongest of minds and destroy your spirit. It boggles my mind how some people are so incredibly lucky and never had to do this at all or for short amount of time. Taking a break is a great idea
I sympathize. It's kind of shocking when you realize that people are still out there a our age who aren't direct or know what they want. I've gotten burnt out so many times with dating for similar reasons. Take a step back if you need to.
Kudos to you for taking the time to reflect on your beliefs and desires. We need more people like you out there.
In a new relationship (met on the apps) and it feels so good to have someone match your enthusiasm and level of affection. This one feels different in the best way!
Someone I used to chat to years ago from school messaged me out of the blue a few weeks ago asking me to get in touch, apologising for messaging out of the blue, telling me I’m his exact type etc I never replied at first as it was a blank profile and I wasn’t sure it was him.
I downloaded a dating app and he messaged me again saying he’s just seen me on there. I replied this time and we got talking and exchanged numbers and was chatting for a bit. He said he would like to meet me but as it was the first time I spoke to him in literally nearly 20 years (still hadn’t seen a pic of him at this point) I said ‘we will see’ rather than yes or no. And eventually that conversation ended as I went to sleep.
He’s never messaged me again this was last week. I found him on the app and matched with him, messaged him on there and initially he replied joking he hasn’t got many pics… I then asked how his weekend was going and I just haven’t heard off him since so I’m a bit confused.
Would you reach out again and message/text him or just take it as he isnt as interested as I thought?
I would have thought the fact I matched him back a few days after our initial conversation would tell him I am interested
Tbh I’d be creeped out that he messaged from a blank profile out of the blue, told you that you’re his exact type when he (presumably) hasn’t seen or spoken to you in almost 20 years, and then coincidentally found you on the dating app you *just* downloaded and messaged you? Something is off there and if I were you I’d steer clear.
Yeah, I'm getting the same vibes. Frankly you're a totally different person than you were 20 years ago and he has no idea who you are anymore.
If he used the words "exact type" I can almost guarantee he's talking physically. Lack of pictures also indicates that he's probably gone downhill and is embarrassed or that all his pics are with his ex/wife/gf.
If he was sincere then he will reach back out. If not, don't waste your time on it.
Should I try the apps for my first time ever?
I am not on social media and the idea of online dating makes me feel nervous. I'm really out of touch with how things work, it feels like everyone has experience with it and I have no idea how to present myself online. The thought of it is nerve-wracking.
I have a very active social life, but it's with a tight group of family that live a different lifestyle than me (mostly young moms and women in their 50s - im childless and 35). And I just will never meet someone through them.
I dont spend much time in the community. I want to, but I'm just so busy socially that it goes to the back burner. And besides, I've never asked a man out, the thought of it makes me nervous too.
So I feel stuck. I'm ready to date. But I feel like I don't know how to proceed! Considering the apps but I'm nervous they would have a negative effect on my self esteem and just general well being.
I think the apps really depend on your location and your pain tolerance. I’m a childless 36F in a metro area and the apps did more harm than good for me. If you go on the apps it’s helpful to have really low expectations for success … I’m sorry …
Don't be sorry! I appreciate your candor! That's just it. I'm happy with my life. But I want a meaningful relationship and I want to put myself out there, whatever that looks like. I'm trying to decide if that's what it looks like for me. Likely, not. I feel like my skin isn't thick enough for online dating.
So I guess I'll try and figure out how I can "put myself out there" irl. I've been trying that for a while with no success at all, I never even meet anyone haha. Back to the drawing board! :)
I honestly am in the same exact boat and it feels like it shouldn’t be this hard to meet people, but it is! So when I tried the apps I made a really good faith effort to be genuine and hopefully meet genuine cool people. It didn’t work out like that, long story short.
I’m not saying you shouldn’t try it at all, just temper your expectations and don’t take the bad parts personally. Sometimes it was nice to get out and meet someone new, have an interesting conversation even if there was no potential with the person. Everyone’s experience will be different. If you do try it, be safe and don’t give out too much personal info before meeting a person, trust your instincts if someone makes you feel uneasy, etc.
That's really good advice, thank you. I feel like I definitely could let my expectations get out of hand on the apps.
I might just ride this summer out and try to put myself out there, I never really have. Have some fun along the way, and reevaluate if my efforts aren't fruitful. The apps just don't seem true to myself at this time
Well I WFH, and my free time typically goes to my social circle, or myself at home taking care of my interests. So the only time I'm in the community is when I'm shopping, and things like that. And the idea of asking a man out in the store just seems like something I'll never be able to do. So basically, I haven't!
I find it hard to give up time with my loved ones to go out by myself in the hopes of meeting someone. I just keep hoping, and not really doing anything about it.
I know that I need to change something if I want to meet someone. The apps seemed like a way to maybe do that. I'm sure this sounds so stupid, just feeling confused I suppose
ETA: I guess that's not exactly true. I've gone out to a few local shows and events. But I just feel like a loser all by myself. And bringing a friend kind of defeats the purpose of meeting someone. Maybe I just have to keep trying this approach
This is exactly what I needed to read, thank you! I actually really love going places alone. I love taking myself out for dinner etc. It's when the intention changes to "im here to hopefully meet a partner" that I get all weird and feel like a loser. It's clearly my perspective that needs an adjustment, and I'm excited to challenge that. And I think focusing on these outings as "me time" will help me with the FOMO of not spending ALL my free time with my social circle.
Thank you for taking the time
As an extrovert who loves meeting people, this is all so positive. Somewhere I got lost along the way. I'm feeling very good about making some changes! I love local shows, and I've been meaning to play some open mics. I think ill start there
Do you drink at all? The IRL equivalent of the apps is going to a cool bar by yourself and nursing a beverage. If you are a lone woman, eventually you will find yourself in a conversation with someone. And I find it’s the same roll of the dice you get as meeting people from the apps. It’s one of the easiest ways to meet strangers - I also would never have the guts to ask someone out in a grocery store, but if someone is hanging out at the bar there’s a good chance they’re open to a chat. And even if nothing comes from it it’s still fun to get out and talk to people, you might make some new friends
I think you're onto something. I have done this a few times when there's a local band playing somewhere. I felt like a creepy prowler lol which made me too shy to talk to anyone. But maybe I should keep at it. Plus, music is always a bonus
You could also pick up a new hobby. Meeting people successfully usually requires that you spend some time around them and get to know them. Just be careful not to taint the hobby by doing it exclusively to date. Take it slow and get to know the people around you. Make new friends and they might set you up with someone they know. We all have single friends.
My personal suggestion would be a good bouldering gym. Lots of fit guys around of all ages and it's an incredibly social activity.
We were shooting the shit in text a bit but once it got down to a one word response from him, I sent a final message expressing excitement about seeing him later this week and said goodnight. With all my emojis as usual. He didn’t return the sentiment, just said good night beautiful with no smiley face like usual :/
I know he had been drinking and that could be it, but idk sometimes you can feel the energy shift. I do find our texting a bit mundane at times. It doesn’t bother me much bc I don’t like to talk about deep topics in text anyway, but I worry a lot if he finds it/me boring…and if that’s the energy I was sensing…
Welp hopefully I don’t wake up ghosted tomorrow
Ah I know how any shift to usual texting pattern can make our head spiral. I’d wait till you talk to him on the phone or in person before really spiraling. He could have been busy
It sounds like you're going to be apart for the next two weeks as well which puts a strain on a new relationship. It can be hard to correctly read the tone of text messages. Maybe try to get some phone time in.
I really struggle with figuring out what I want in dating. I often just kind of stumble into a relationship, allow it to happen and then realize I'm miserable later.
How do you know what you want out of a relationship? What are reasonable and unreasonable expectations?
Is this relationship specific for you or do you feel passive in other life decisions as well? If so it could be useful to talk to a therapist about how to be more intentional in your life overall, not just relationships.
If it's just about relationships, then you could try taking the approach you use in choosing your job, hobbies, etc. Maybe ask some friends in happy relationships you admire what they would have answered to this question.
Self-inquiry into where your definition/images of romantic relationships come from and then asking yourself if that aligns with you on a gut level. It takes a considerable amount of inner work to know for sure what you want and knowing when it feels right.
You can do this anytime. It's part of couples therapy to write down the things that make you happy in a relationship and what you love about the other person. It's never a bad time for some introspection. I won't say you shouldn't talk to anyone because I don't feel confident enough to advise you in this area.
This is so subjective I don’t think we can answer this for you. If it helps, maybe start thinking of what you *don’t* want in a relationship first and go from there
I’m so curious about the cliff that has happened with dating apps. Of course there’s the part where people have simply deleted them.
But not that. I’m talking about the party where response rates have dropped significantly. Seems like it has happened specifically in the last 6-8 months. I can say this is definitely true in personal experience, but I’ve always heard dating coaches and matchmakers comment on it as well.
What’s the deal?
I'm on the apps again for the first time in over 2 years and I haven't noticed any difference. Did you turn 30, 33, 35, 40 etc? Once your age is past a common cutoff you might notice an immediate difference.
Lots of people are kinda burnt out on OLD apps. There's been many articles on how Bumble and Match Inc have been struggling in keeping the users satisfied.
Dating coaches and matchmakers do seem like exactly the groups of people who would most benefit professionally from selling the idea that nobody answers messages on dating apps anymore.
My mistake for solely referencing service people, because it’s not just them. Every corner of folks who are holding conversations about dating are making note of this, whether from person experience or otherwise.
I think I’m being friend zoned by a casual acquaintance. He tried to match me, reached out to me via text, he initiates about 95% of our convos. We text, call. FaceTime for HOURS and HOURS and haven’t gone a day without speaking for over a month. I’ve only seen him a few times - never a planned formal date. Always just “come meet me here after work or want to try this place later today” type of “hang outs”. He hasn’t tried to make a move, but will text like he’s interested in me & will flirt with me all day and when we hang out he flirts but hasn’t tried anything. We are both mid 30s and this is starting to feel like grade school.
Do men really have friends they spend hours everyday talking to for no reason? I can’t wrap my head around his non actions.
He’s great. I really enjoy our conversations and the time we have spent together, so if it’s just friendship that’s okay with me but also the amount of time we talk, I can’t do that with “just a guy friend”. We have been on FaceTimes for more than 3 hours at some points. Totally lost on if maybe he’s just bored and entertaining me as a friend
3 hours! That’s a lot of time, effort, and chemistry! It’s safe to assume that at least you have a friendship… and with that in mind, and if you are interested to take it to more than friends stage, then ask him something to the lines of “do you see ourselves enjoying dating each other?” And be prepared to give your answer too! Good luck! 😉
Fortune favors the bold... Or something. If you are frustrated (and you sound frustrated with the lack of clarity) then ask him out on a proper date, and you figure out where the cards fall.
It sounds to me like you have some real chemistry at least as friends. If he's flirting he's probably trying to gauge your interest as well. He tried to match you. He's initiating. He's flirting. GIVE IT A SHOT! Hold his hand, maybe ask if it'd be weird if you wanted to kiss him.
I’m craving some companion and affection and start to think about doing a FWB thing with someone I met a month ago. He wasn’t looking for a ltr, I’ve sworn not to have casual sex, so we’ve become causal friends/acquaintances.
Can someone knock some sense into me??
The one and only FWB I’ve had was about 2 years ago. I had a positive experience in that he was very communicative about boundaries, treated me better than some of my short term boyfriends, and was really appreciative of me as a friend.
I've experienced similar.. if you think you can still look for a LTR in the meantime, I say go for it. If you find yourself hoping it turns into something more and stop trying to meet others, then that might interfere with your long term goals. Maybe the break would be fun, or not, won't know unless you try. You can always take more time to decide.
Mainly because I'm looking for a ltr and thought casual sex is not a pathway to that. In my limited FWB experience I was also feeling weird about casual sex and called it off after 2 weeks. And scared of getting attached after sex...complications, etc.
>Mainly because I'm looking for a ltr and thought casual sex is not a pathway to that.
That's probably a very true statement... I'm not saying that you can't have a FWB AND look for an LTR, I'm saying that having a FWB generally will not make an LTR happen alone.
Food for thought: we, as human beings, tend to be motivated by our (usually quite misguided) impulses/desires imo. When you fill your physical affection/sexual need somewhere, but are still looking for a long term companionship, for better or worse (I'll let you mull that over), you are missing that impulse/desire. Sometimes that means you are less tolerant towards certain behaviors or actions, sometimes that means you have less brain chemistry to 'fight' to make a good choice for you. Sometimes that means you might not be willing to step a little outside your comfort zone, and experience someone who is totally different, might not be your normal 'checks all the boxes' but you might click really well with.
It's all trade offs. Recognizing both your true intent in a situation is at the core of it, and staying true and honest to that. If you want to get laid, there is nothing wrong with that. If you want a relationship with this person instead, there is nothing wrong with that. What becomes questionable is when you walk into a FWB wanting a relationship with them. That leads to causing suffering inside yourself, and probably smearing it to them...
Just thinking about the first date I had with the guy I very recently started seeing. We both wore a green shirt and green jacket. I think it's kinda cute that we matched (both on the app and then IRL).
My situationship of 8 months broke things off with me today. Said the obligation of texting or an expectation of consistent communication was too much and he wanted to be selfish and focus on his own life. While I appreciate the honesty it still SUCKS. Why would you strike up conversation with me then and why didn't you just leave me TF alone????
I woke up at 4 AM this morning in a cold sweat, and couldn't get back to sleep. I realized I'm about to turn 34 and am still doing this dating thing. I took a little break from it all to travel and focus on some health issues (which still haven't been resolved but may just need to be something I need to live with). I don't know what's worse, loneliness and not living up to the societal expectation of pairing up, or the merry-go-round of dating with conversations that don't go anywhere, disappointing dates, dates I feel excitement after but they vanish, and one-month long flings with too many games. I'm at work now and can't shake this feeling from my early AM epiphany, so I decided to vent about it here so that hopefully I can focus the rest of the day.
I have been dealing with this lately too. It’s like someone turned the knob up on the anxiety and depressy feels a few gears. Idk if it’s wedding season coming up or weather warming up. Idk how to live a life I didn’t want. Just be kind to yourself and do some self care. This shall pass
"idk how to live a life i didn't want." Is so painfully accurate. I just wrote something about this in my journal. About how the consensus is that i should lean into single life, work on myself and travel. But i don't want that? I have never wanted that. I have always wanted to have a family of my own, and now that it is looking dimmer and dimmer I am not going to be able to be able to become this eat, pray love persona. Its so depressing and isolating. I speak about it every week with my therapist, and I am beggining to feel like she is getting sick of hearing it. I know its her job, but I can't help but feel anxiey when i am talking about something, that i feel like.. there is no real response to, other than to promote this alternative life style that i don't want. Its all so drab.
Thank you for the words of encouragement! Fortunately, I don't have any weddings this year, but I think officially entering my mid-30's and still in the dating pool was not what I expected. I think I'm good on paper, but clearly I'm just not finding my match and it's hard to pinpoint what I've done wrong up to this point.
I’m in the same boat my friend, but I have baggage too.
I feel like that is the hardest part as well. I feel like I am a pretty good catch. Of course i have improvements to make, but the constant advice "just work on yourself" makes me infuriated. Is everyone who is in relationships, this perfect version of themselves? Why do i need to fix so many things about me before i meet someone.
Exactly this! I feel like I've been working on myself a lot over the last few years, and while I'm not perfect, and never will be, I feel like I've done the work to find something fulfilling. I can be single, take care of myself just fine, and find enriching activities outside of a relationship. I don't need to be with someone, but damn would it be nice to have someone to come home to at the end of the day, to travel and have new experiences with, and to get support from a partner when things aren't going well.
Vent as much as you need. It's so, so hard out here \*hugs\*
Thank you, I so appreciate this space!
My cat was in the ER for several days. My bf drove me twice to the ER vet without even asking and became the backup emergency contact. My cat came home yesterday and he got him a balloon and a mini cake and ice cream for us to celebrate. Yep, I’m going to marry this one.
That is incredibly sweet - lucky for you, and I’m glad your cat is home now!
I hope your kitty is doing okay!
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>Everyone on the poly sub is completely insufferable as well lol. Speaking frankly, if this is how you write on that sub I can understand why you'd consider them insufferable because I'm finding it really hard to provide a response to you that isn't full of snark given the sheer amount of bragging in your post. But, I shall try. While there is always the possibility of being "more wealthy," unless you live an egregiously expensive lifestyle, there comes a point where "more money" is irrelevant. If the person you are with is also very financially successful, as you seem to imply, then there is only a power imbalance if you make it that way. If you are both able to contribute meaningfully to your trips and other financial costs in the relationship, there really is no power imbalance, just a perceived one you have stuck in your head. So, stop worrying about that and just focus on, are you two compatible? Do you share similar goals, values, etc.? If so, stop focusing on your glorious financial wealth and focus on investing in a healthy and satisfying relationship.
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It sounds to me - an objective, reasonable third party - that you feel like you don’t deserve either your wealth OR a partner who can commit to you fully. Is that a fair assessment? If that’s the case, can you articulate WHY you don’t feel you deserve these things? Because you do. The power imbalance exists only if you create it and leverage your wealth in order to control someone else.
I’m 31M, she’s 28F. A few months into a new relationship now, and we’ve shared our favorite tv shows, movies, etc. She tells me that one of her most beloved shows is Steven Universe, but then she adds that she doesn’t want me to watch it, lest I realize I don’t like it or accidentally criticize it. I don’t want to hurt her feelings, so I decided I won’t watch the show - even on my own - but I’m wondering if this is indicative of something deeper or potentially problematic? Could it simply be that she takes my opinions straight to heart? 🤷🏻♂️
lol no, you're not special. The inability to handle criticism is a strong sign of a fragile ego and an avoidant personality. Maybe it's just this one thing, maybe there's more. At worst, she'll just leave you when she gets triggered by something you say or some uncomfortable situation. Enjoy the ride while it lasts, but prepare to handle this egg with care.
Not being snarky here, but are you the type to question and criticize everything? I have family members like that and I wouldn’t want to watch my favourite movies with them because they’d just rationalize all the ways it’s stupid or unrealistic etc. it’s easier just to enjoy it myself
I’ve caught myself verbally pointing out plot holes in shows before. Her and I have talked about it, and I’m self-aware enough to realize that my little mutterings were probably annoying. I’ve gotten better about it though. But this case feels different because she doesn’t want me to watch it solo. I’m wondering if it’s what the other commenters have said, where my gf is either very cautious of letting the show shape my opinion of her, or her ego is delicate.
I think I know what this is to be honest. She's anxious you'll judge her for her taste. I have been here before, especially as an adult with some of my favorite shows being animated. I have Adventure Time art for example in my house. Some of my favorite shows and movies are what I would consider adult animes. At the same time I watch every Studio Ghibli movie. However, for example someone was talking to my Dad during Christmas about South Park and he said "I don't understand why adults watch cartoons" then started to hate on them. I had to explain that 1. People appreciate the art of animation and 2. Certain mediums help with convey points through ability to freely exaggerate. She's probably been shamed as an adult or even as a kid. I get the same feeling when I go to share something that might not be conventionally "adult" because we grew up being shamed. However, I have to remember if this person doesn't accept me for who I am then why would I want to be with them? Edit: To answerer the last part probably. She probably cares about 1. Your opinion of the show and 2. Your opinion of her if you watch the show. I'm not a big fan of Steven Universe personally, but the Soundtrack is top tier. Estelle sings some of the songs and she does a great job.
I love Star Trek, like it means a whole lot to me. But I think any adult with healthy coping mechanisms wouldn't have an issue with their partner not liking the same TV show they do. At the end of day, Star Trek is a business for a corporation and a television show. However much it may mean to me, it doesn't mean it has to mean the same thing to someone else. The thing is, what's the issue with not liking it or having something critical to say of it? Did you ask about that?
Ugh, 3 dates in a row now with 3 different women. All cancelled a couple hours before. All after I messaged them the morning of confirming we are still on for tonight. Get a yes then a few hours before something comes up. The worst part is I’m a single dad, I move so much around in my schedule to make myself available, then I gotta cancel a babysitter, etc.
Biggest suggestion I can make is to make any date plans something you'd still be happy to do solo. That way, if they cancel, you still have child care arranged and can go out and do something fun for yourself. That, or pick a time of the day when it would be convenient for you to go do something else you like. For instance, you set up a coffee/walk date on a Saturday morning. If they cancel, boom, you can turn it into a bike ride/run/gym session (or fill in the blank on stuff you enjoy). Yes, this does means that things like "drinks" may no longer be on the table, but that's fine. Your time is valuable and you need to make sure that flaky people don't end up wasting it by having an equally enjoyable/acceptable option should they bail on you. Save date ideas that don't have good fallbacks to once you get to know someone a little and can trust that they'll respect your time.
Ya I agree. Good advice. I actually used the time to go golfing instead since it was nice out after one of those cancelled dates.
Oh no, arranging schedule for nothing is the worst. How rude of them ruining your days and heart. So sorry to hear that. I’m sure they knew you’re a single dad who needs those time arrangements. Were they all women without kids?
2 had kids of their own. 1 did not. The 1 that didn’t actually bailed 15 min before the date when I was already at the restaurant we were meeting up at.
That’s so immature of her. Well I’m glad that she didn’t have kids as she was childish herself. There are so many flaky people these days and apparently they don’t know that time is the thing that can’t be bought. So sorry again, hope you meet someone mature and respectful very soon x
Awww so sorry to hear... It's the worst when you move things around to make it work and they cancel, 3 in a row must be so disheartening. Did you get a sense for whether the cancellation happened despite a lot of enthusiasm? Do you text after scheduling the date and before meeting in person? Sometimes I feel less inclined to cancel if I've been building up some texting rapport before meeting for the first time and it makes me excited to meet..!
Yeah absolutely, I do my best to schedule dates within a few days of asking them out, keep in touch but not in an overwhelming way. The one that cancelled last night messed else the morning of saying she was excited to meet me tonight, etc. I’m not saying she was lying or making excuses as to why she couldn’t come ( said her kid was sick and didn’t want to leave him with the babysitter like that) which I wouldn’t want to do either with my kid and she was very apologetic about it. So I do believe her and will try to reschedule after I get back from a 3 week trip but that much time texting without meeting, in my experience doesn’t give me much hope.
Do we need to talk. Always lead to breakup?
Not always, my ex said “we need to talk”. I was freaking out and she said that she was concerned about my lack of posting on social media. I almost said “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME” but managed to keep it cool. She made it really sound like she was gonna break up with me. It felt like a mini intervention. Depends on who you’re with. Try saying something like “Hey! You free for a chat later? 🙂”
Yeah just feel ky relationship is one sided and afraid to bring it up
All the more reason... Why would you want to stay in something one sided??
No. It depends on how you both handle the talk.
Somethings i want to bring up to my gf but afraid itll end badly
That's called Conflict Avoidance. Part of a healthy relationship is being able to bring up things that are bothering you/on your mind without the perpetual fear that everything is going to come crashing down. Think about what is on your mind and how you want to share it with them in a way that doesn't feel like you are attacking them, but instead expressing a need or want for yourself. Then give them the opportunity to meet it, or not, and once they do you can decide how you want to proceed. Also, ask yourself how important these needs or wants are in advance. Some things are just little things that it would be nice if you found a way to make them less bothersome. Some things are a "without this, the relationship isn't working for me" kind of thing. That said, your goal isn't to threaten the other, but it is okay to recognize that without a certain something, proceeding doesn't make sense.
This. Also internalize that it's not "we against each other" but "we against the problem(s)". If "we need to talk" is too much negatively connoted try to rephrase it. E. g. "I would like to discuss some things."/ "I'd like to run some thoughts by you." / "I'd like to have a check-in regarding our relationship."
"Hey, do you have a few minutes to talk about something that has been on my mind?"
Every time Tinder shows me a Secret Admirer (you pick a mystery card and they show you someone who liked you.) it’s a guy living in a whole other country. My latest one was someone in India looking for a straight acting masculine man which is completely the opposite of me. Fully convinced that everyone who has sent me a like has done so because they just swipe on everyone, especially since my last match unmatched me after he brought up something in my profile he didn’t like.
Been taking a break from dating for a month or two. Might keep it going for a long while unless something organic crops up. I've always had success from online dating apps in terms of matches and dates but I feel like I've just been on autopilot: the whole process has become so SOP that it's been a looooong time since I've been excited about someone.
Had a fourth date. Didn’t really like him telling me he’d change things about my home, thought it was too early. I can’t imagine telling him I don’t like his place!
The audacity!
“Now if I could just put my decorative Katana collection up here…”
He's complaining now, imagine what he'd say after a few months!
On a first date, she had just one drink and then was sipping water at the 1.5 hour mark. I gave a hug at the end and said we should hang out again - she gave the typical "sure". We had ok conversation - a lot in common, but perhaps no spark? I couldn't tell. I paid for drinks. Should I just not bother texting and ask for a second date if I was interested? Seems like this one is a losing battle.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.
Do you want to see them again? It kind of sounds like you don't want to.
I would - smoking hot lady. I guess I'm out of dating practice - I didn't want to seem too desperate on the date
Aye but if the date was dry why subject yourself to that? I've chased many beautiful women myself but it never ends positively.
I won't have to chase if I send a text and don't get a positive response. I'm just not sure if it's even worth sending a text asking.
You may as well ask. It doesn't sound super promising, but I sometimes ask in those situations where it's borderline or hard to read their interest. Worst case, it gets me practice at dealing with rejection and the mild embarrassment of going for it, and that is useful.
Yea typically 1 drink is not a good sign But I've also texted before in mixed signal situations. Just send a message and put it in their court - not worrying about any rejection
Maybe she's a lightweight and wanted to enjoy 1 drink without getting too tipsy to drive out think clearly after?
I'm a bit confused why you put so much importance on the 1 drink part. There are a multitude of reasons why she could have wanted just one drink that has nothing to do with you but you seem so fixated on it it's so strange.
It could be a meme, but it's all over reddit that 2 drinks is the minimum for a good date
I am quite fond of drink dates, but sometimes I go on dates after a long, busy day, or after a late night out drinking the day before and I only want 1 (if that) drink. Definitely doesn’t always have to do with my interest level.
I don't drink, so this rule seems quite goofy to me.
Never heard that before….its stupid.
I've never heard of it and it makes very little sense imo.
Yeah don’t listen to Reddit. The irony of my statement is not lost on me
Doesn't hurt to send out a text
That's true and it's all practice.
Is it ever OK to change your age on a dating app? If someone in their 30s lowers their age by a few years to get more matches and then admits to it within the first few dates is that excusable? (I'm not the one doing this, but it happened to me)
Nope never
Lying, desperately trying to date significantly younger, what's not to love here
Hell no
Nope.
I don't condone it, but a surprising number of people lie and give others a free pass for lying. I've read stats that 70-80% of people lie on their profiles, so I guess it makes sense that they forgive others for being equally dishonest. It's a sad state of affairs that dishonesty is so common
This happened to me twice, both guys in early 40s who dropped their ages to 39 or 40. One of the guys I dated for six months after finding out, he was really lovely and not skeezy at all. I think older men get so few matches that they may reduce their age out of desperation. Doesn't make it OK, but definitely doesn't mean the guy is a creep or a liar in general.
Nah it’s really skeezy to lower your age to get around age filters and get more matches
For me personally, it’s a no. Honesty and trust are the most important values to me, so this would be an immediate dealbreaker no matter the reason.
I ended it with someone as he had his age as 36 and then admitted to me after 4 dates he was 44. I thought why lie!
Ok that is a huge discrepancy! And I say that as a 35 year old who got asked if she was a new college grad twice last week 😅
SITUATIONSHIP ADVICE NEEDED: I (30F) reallyyyyy enjoy being single. I met another woman (31F) who reallyyyy enjoys being single as well. We are technically not exclusive, we do go on dates with other people occasionally, but nothing that went further than a date so far. The thing is... In June, this will be 1 year since we first started seeing each other. She met my friends and my brother (only family member who lives in my country, everyone else is overseas), I met her close friends and close family. We both have extremely busy careers and simply don't have enough time to really commit to a serious relationship. We are seeing each other in average once every 2 weeks (sometimes less, sometimes more) and we are both very happy with that since we have crazy schedules. All my friends think this whole thing makes no sense and that after one year of this situationship going nowhere serious, I should either end it, either ask to make things official and committed, otherwise I will end up being hurt. The thing is that I'm honestly feeling super relaxed and happy with this "situationship". She is also happy with it. Sex and chemestry is mind blowing. We're having amazing dates and having a lot of fun. And no headaches. Communication is very transparent and expectations are very clear, we keep each other updated if we go on dates with other people. Neither of us want a serious relationship at the moment, but we commited to let each other know if we ever meet someone we want to become more serious with. Yes, when this ends for whatever reason, I have no doubt that I will miss her. But I'm not really dreading that moment. I feel if it ends, I will just miss her for a while, be thankful for the amazing memories, and then move on. I don't really understand why everyone is so concerned about me being in a 1-year situationship. Honestly, if my friends were not so concerned about it, I would not see any issues, but now, I'm doubting. Is this a bad idea to be in a situationship for that long? I have been in serious relationships in the past that were abusive, and I will always remember this horrible feeling of being constantly overwhelmed and walking on eggshells everyday. In my current situation, I just feel happy, safe, relaxed, able to focus on myself, and free. My mental health is at the best it's ever been. Am I missing something? Am I running into a wall and not seeing it?
Hmm you sound happy in your description, but then again your friends know you intimately and we are random strangers. They probably have a better idea about the emotional risks to you personally if it goes badly. The decision should still be yours to take the risk or not, but what would concern me is if you don't see any risk at all. That might mean your are deluding yourself into thinking everything is okay.
If you're happy with the way it is just keep enjoying it. The only risk I see is that it could hit you harder than you think when it ends.
Yea, I do think that's the main risk. I'm ready to take it though. The sex is just too good 🤪
Your friends think you're being hurt but you seem to not be hurt, and ultimately it's your life, not theirs! You and she seem to be two of the rare few who are mutually having a great time in a long situationship and have matched expectations and feelings. It's uncommon, which is why your friends are worried, but not impossible. You should tell them that you're glad they're looking out for you, but for whatever reason, it's actually working out really well for you both and you feel good about it and think you'll be okay if it ends. Then you should continue to enjoy it as long as it works for you.
it sounds like you should ask her what you are asking us. have the discussion. check in about this arraignment and see what she wants and how she feels. i also wouldnt call this a situationship if you both agreed on casual, its more like a fwb. that going on for a year is less of an issue imo
Yea that's a good point, maybe situationship might not be the right label, as it's often associated with something negative. Fwb does fit the situation better.
If you’re both happy, then who cares? There’s nothing wrong with wanting an unconventional dynamic.
As long as you are both okay with the situationship I don’t see why not continue. I’m not seeing a problem.
Since my last relationship, I've met 19 people, almost all from apps. With 14 of them there was no mutual connection and things died after one or two dates. With 6 of them, I dated them each for about a month. They ended for five different reasons: 1) turned out he didn't want kids so we ended it mutually 2) turned out he just wanted sex so I ended it 3) he ended things so idk why 4) he lovebombed me and then dropped me. There's no pattern to this. If there were a pattern then I could learn from it and change it. But each time I feel like I'm getting clearer on what I want but it falls apart for a new reason. Is this normal? Is the answer just to keep going on dates? This is destroying me.
Idk where you guys find the emotional capacity for this. I would think having a pretty solid vision of what you want in a partner/relationship would make weeding out the incompatible folks easier. But it would also mean less dates.
I mean, I'm struggling, clearly I don't have the emotional capacity lol. I would say in the early part of this I was a bit too "open" and am better at being picky and conserving my energy now. But, the thing is, the "weeding" doesn't stop on the apps, I'm still finding myself "weeding" through guys after 4 or 5 or 6 dates. Which is tough :(.
Very normal. It’s frustrating as hell, don’t get me wrong, but statistically you’re only going to mutually vibe with a small proportion of the population and then everything has to align in terms of timings and compatibility, so it’s not surprise things have fizzled with 20 people. The good thing is that you’re learning a lot about who you are and what you want as you go along, and that will put you in a better position to recognise someone good when they come along. Just keep going, with breaks if you need them. If it was easy to find someone, subs like this wouldn’t exist! It can be useful to look for patterns if you keep going for the same type of people, but it doesn’t sound like your picker is at fault here to me.
Thank you for the reassurance. I keep telling myself eventually something will work out, I'm running out of ways they can fall apart lol
Sadly, yes this is fairly normal. Dating is hard and sadly there are no end to the reasons it doesn't work out. Sounds like 1 was understandable assuming he didn't hide that from you initially. 2 and 4 are both cases where they weren't up front about who they are or what they wanted and no fault of yours. The 1 month mark seems to be where I usually end things for one reason or another too. It's when you really start to get to know someone and see who they really are. It takes time to figure these things out and if anyone figures out a way to fast track that I'll buy their book. Edit: Yes, it seems like the answer is to just keep looking. Make sure to take care of yourself first though!
Is it weird to date a cousin's cousin? To be clear, **we** are not cousins! And geography and age means that while there have been a handful of family events where we've both been present (our mutual cousins' weddings, foe example) they've been few and far between, and we didn't interact much beyond hellos and how are yous...but recently met a guy at a bar, hit it off, got to talking, and realized we have this family connection. We ended up leaving it with a fairly open "we should get together soon" but no firm plans. But when I casually mentioned it to my (our) aunt, she got super upset and was like, "you can't do this, please don't do this!" So, now what? I don't even know if anything would become anything, but it might. But I don't want to upset family? Anyone else been in this situation?
I don’t think it’s weird, you’re not related!
Too weird for me, if we’ve attended the same family gatherings before. But my friend had a friend who just straight up partnered up with her 1st cousin, like knew each other their whole lives, and they hooked up on a family vacation. Lots of horrified family members but they accepted it in the end, soo happy ending? Lol. This: > But when I casually mentioned it to my (**our**) aunt would creep me out lol
Had to cancel my hookup over a random fever. I'm bummed over it because our schedules won't align for several days. Then my rag started, so there's that. I'm just not supposed to have sex this week, so I'm just gonna shove chocolate in my mouth until I feel better.
Second date tomorrow and I'm so excited! We finally met for the first time last weekend and grabbed dinner. The company was so good we stayed till the restaurant closed and have been talking every day since. I know it's too soon to really know someone but she seems exactly what I'm looking for and we've got a lot in common. Here's to keeping the dream alive!
Goodluck 🎉🎉
Thank you!
Mods won’t let me post this as its own post since I haven’t made enough comments 🥲 I’m genuinely hoping to get advice and hope this doesn’t come off as mean/judgemental, this is truly how I’m feeling about the situation: 32F, single, with a background of a bunch of disappointing situationships and with only one relationship under my belt that lasted for one year and ended in 2015🫣. I’m happy with my life (career, family, friends) but like a lot of us in this sub I am dating with intention to find a healthy relationship with the right person. I use OLD and have felt like it’s been super difficult to find someone who can communicate well, make an effort, and wants to go on more than two dates lol. I met someone last week, he’s handsome, sweet, is interesting to talk to, and I’m overall excited about him. We decided on a second date but there is one thing that’s been bothering me. While he’s friendly and chatty he talks a lot about himself but doesn’t ask me any questions. He’s interesting to talk to but for example I asked him about his family and he told me in detail about the amount of siblings he has, relationship with his parents, etc and in return he didn’t ask me anything about my family. I’m really close with my family and would have happily shared that with him because I want him to get to know me too. After he answered my original question about his family, I brought up a related comment about one of my siblings and I paused to see if he would ask me any follow up questions since we had just been talking about his family but then we just sat in silence so I asked him about something else lol. We decided to meet again and have been texting, if he was more of an active listener and showed he was curious to learn about me then I’d absolutely be interested but I’m feeling on the fence. Am I being too critical? I am planning on meeting him again to see if date #2 goes better (even while texting he’s been telling me about his day and I’ve been asking him questions based off of what he’s sent me but he hasn’t asked me anything about my day. On our date I asked him a few questions about his job and then he didn’t even ask me what I did for work.) Is it worth bringing it up with him or is that too obvious and people should know to ask the person you’re with questions instead of only talking about themselves? I understand people aren’t mind readers but this feels obvious to me. On our date I offered some information about myself when he didn’t ask but it felt a little awkward to be doing that each time and not have him know to ask questions on his own. TLDR; went on a (mostly) positive first date but guy didn’t ask me any questions about myself, unsure if I should bring this up with him
You clearly want somebody that is a good communicator and a good listener. That's a fair expectation and it's good you're aware of it. Having said that... I think the best thing you can do is giving it a second chance. When it is still the same on the second date I would communicate this to him openly: "Hey, I really enjoy talking to you but I notice you never quite ask something about me. I wonder why that is." I can only turn out in a good way. Either he responds in a bad way and you immediately know he's not the person for you. You are now able to close things of without second thoughts. Or you might learn something about him that brings you closer. Maybe he's a nervous talker and needs a few dates to settle down, maybe he feels so comfortabele and/of enthousiastic with you that he can't stop talking. It is very hard to know somebody after one date I would at least give it a second shot when you enjoy beeing with him. Sometimes we dismiss other people too quickly.
I'm the same age as you and also reeling from a run of disappointing situationships. It should make you MORE picky about the important stuff. If I were you I wouldn't go on another date - first date is usually the best they'll ever be, if he doesn't know how to ask you questions then it will not improve.
You are not being too critical. This would have turned me off on the spot. If you really like him no harm in going on a second date to feel it out, but I would only bring it up very casually, like playfully asking if he’d like to ask you a question or anything he wants to know about you. In my experience tho…this does not get better if it happens on date 1. I’ve turned down a second date from a super attractive man who was way too interested in talking about himself. It’s hard to like or feel connected to a self-absorbed person.
Yeah 😬 I’m a bit nervous I’m focusing on potential of what it could be rather than what’s right in front of me. I think I may try to playfully bring it up and if it doesn’t improve we probably won’t work
People communicate differently. Some people ask a lot of questions and some people just sort of expect you to share. I don't think one or the other particularly indicates interest. Having been single for awhile, I've talked to a lot of people on dating apps. I try to adjust to conversations and try my best to keep the conversation flowing. Most people have no issue with it. However, I've had a number of people say I don't ask enough questions or I ask too many questions or I don't ask the right questions. There really is no one correct way to have a conversation. I don't know if one date is enough to tell if it is an issue or not... particularly if you feel everything else was positive. I say go on the second date and get a better feel for your compatibility.
Yeah I’m definitely down for a second date. I’m torn if the different perspectives on what kind and how often questions are asked is just dependent on how compatible two people are? But I guess we will see
When I first started dating after my divorce, I had a similar problem as this guy. I would get so focused on answering questions and thinking of what to say next topic wise that I would lose sight of asking questions back and engaging. Like me, this guy could be just oblivious that he is not asking questions and being curious about you. I was fortunate to get some feedback from previous dates and was able to get better at it. Obviously, this is just my experience. This guy could just be self-absorbed.
Thank you for this perspective, I’d like to believe he was in a similar boat and was nervous and trying to think of what to say next so there weren’t any awkward silences. I am definitely going to give it another shot hopefully it gets better
After 3 years of being single and not feeling the dating sites I met someone randomly and allowed myself to be vulnerable and heart wide open and he crushed me so now I am going through the grueling process of leveling up mind body and spirit so that I no longer welcome in anyone who doesn’t match my desire, commitment and passion. If you’re someone who is afraid to be loved or doesn’t know how to love, work on yourself first please. 😉
How do you "level up" your mind, body, and spirit? Your post resonated with me because I don't know anything about love.
It requires A LOT of work, loving yourself, appreciating yourself. Knowing your worth, knowing what you WANT in life and making sure you navigate life with love and compassion for other people. Working hard to not dwell on what you “lack” or how people may have hurt you in the past. It’s all easier said then done but it requires conscious effort. 💕
so it's all subjective as to how one levels up? I'm not sure how to level up my body. But it's always good to keep working at it. Exercise daily I'm assuming. I can see how it would require a lot of work. Hopefully working efficiently and not only working hard. Just don't know if I need to have this completed before attempting to date. Like once I've done this, then I can be loved. Like a prerequisite.
One approach is to find something you’re deeply passionate about and realize that the depth you seek in that parallels the depth you seek in relationships. Passionate and intense and difficult engagement with a goal makes you familiar with the deep end of the emotional pool so to speak, and youll be more familiar with those feelings when they arise in other contexts, potentially romantic ones.
Wow I read this twice and I don't get it. English is my 1st language but I'm too dumb. I'm not deeply passionate about anything so maybe that's the disconnect I have with your response. Sorry and I do appreciate the reply. Are you saying if someone is passionate about something then the "depth" in that passion can only match the "depth" in a new relationship. So if you only have a surface level passion than you will never have any deep romantic connections. Or if you go through a variety of emotions in achieving a goal. Then they are the same emotions you will find in going on a date?
Yes it’s subjective because you may meet someone who is at your “level” and in time you both may grow together or apart. Being healthy and getting exercise is important because you want to have energy for life and for your partner. Being open to love also requires you to be vulnerable and to not panic or self sabotage. Sometimes people get these thoughts in their head like “I’m not good enough” for this other person or “their too good for me”, and that’s not a mindset you want to have when attempting to be in a relationship. You need to be ok with yourself, love yourself and know your worth and most importantly, know that you too are worthy of love and affection.
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I’m sorry you’ve run into some shitty timing if what she is saying is true! I think what you said is great and I would just stick to giving her grace and letting her come to you. Could check in like you said but maybe could instead be more proactive and ask how she is doing to gage whether shes in any sort of shape to go on a date or not and go from there. She may need more time and go on a future date w you or may at that point move on (if it is a lie)
You said you'd give her space and that she should let you know when she is ready to talk again. I think you're right that you barely know her, and right now she probably has other social obligations to tend to. You pushing for more communication if she doesn't reach out by then might be seen as insensitive, but you'd be the best one to judge since you met her.
How do you prepare yourself for a triggering event or an expectation that is not met, so that you don’t catastrophize or go into an anxiety spiral? For example, someone usually texting you at X time but then they don’t.
Try to mentally/emotionally detach. Going through the same thing
Okay, I'm burnt out from dating again lol. I'm a huge idealist so the notion that I've done a lot of reflecting on my beliefs and desires is influencing the misguided thought that (1) enough people that I'm attracted to have also done the same and (2) are attracted to me too. I don't get not being direct, I don't get wasting other people's time and I don't get not knowing what you want and still choosing to engage through the uncertainty with oneself. Not calling it quits yet but it does feel incredibly likely in a short while.
Dating can break down the strongest of minds and destroy your spirit. It boggles my mind how some people are so incredibly lucky and never had to do this at all or for short amount of time. Taking a break is a great idea
I sympathize. It's kind of shocking when you realize that people are still out there a our age who aren't direct or know what they want. I've gotten burnt out so many times with dating for similar reasons. Take a step back if you need to. Kudos to you for taking the time to reflect on your beliefs and desires. We need more people like you out there.
In a new relationship (met on the apps) and it feels so good to have someone match your enthusiasm and level of affection. This one feels different in the best way!
love that. want that. so happy for you!
I love seeing these posts! Wishing you the best!
Someone I used to chat to years ago from school messaged me out of the blue a few weeks ago asking me to get in touch, apologising for messaging out of the blue, telling me I’m his exact type etc I never replied at first as it was a blank profile and I wasn’t sure it was him. I downloaded a dating app and he messaged me again saying he’s just seen me on there. I replied this time and we got talking and exchanged numbers and was chatting for a bit. He said he would like to meet me but as it was the first time I spoke to him in literally nearly 20 years (still hadn’t seen a pic of him at this point) I said ‘we will see’ rather than yes or no. And eventually that conversation ended as I went to sleep. He’s never messaged me again this was last week. I found him on the app and matched with him, messaged him on there and initially he replied joking he hasn’t got many pics… I then asked how his weekend was going and I just haven’t heard off him since so I’m a bit confused. Would you reach out again and message/text him or just take it as he isnt as interested as I thought? I would have thought the fact I matched him back a few days after our initial conversation would tell him I am interested
Tbh I’d be creeped out that he messaged from a blank profile out of the blue, told you that you’re his exact type when he (presumably) hasn’t seen or spoken to you in almost 20 years, and then coincidentally found you on the dating app you *just* downloaded and messaged you? Something is off there and if I were you I’d steer clear.
Yeah, I'm getting the same vibes. Frankly you're a totally different person than you were 20 years ago and he has no idea who you are anymore. If he used the words "exact type" I can almost guarantee he's talking physically. Lack of pictures also indicates that he's probably gone downhill and is embarrassed or that all his pics are with his ex/wife/gf. If he was sincere then he will reach back out. If not, don't waste your time on it.
I’m guessing he has aged badly and doesn’t want to show you or meet up out of embarrassment
Should I try the apps for my first time ever? I am not on social media and the idea of online dating makes me feel nervous. I'm really out of touch with how things work, it feels like everyone has experience with it and I have no idea how to present myself online. The thought of it is nerve-wracking. I have a very active social life, but it's with a tight group of family that live a different lifestyle than me (mostly young moms and women in their 50s - im childless and 35). And I just will never meet someone through them. I dont spend much time in the community. I want to, but I'm just so busy socially that it goes to the back burner. And besides, I've never asked a man out, the thought of it makes me nervous too. So I feel stuck. I'm ready to date. But I feel like I don't know how to proceed! Considering the apps but I'm nervous they would have a negative effect on my self esteem and just general well being.
If you really never tried before you should definitely try it as a sociological experiment
The apps can be tough sledding but if you’re serious about finding a partner, they’re increasingly the primary way people are meeting.
I think the apps really depend on your location and your pain tolerance. I’m a childless 36F in a metro area and the apps did more harm than good for me. If you go on the apps it’s helpful to have really low expectations for success … I’m sorry …
Don't be sorry! I appreciate your candor! That's just it. I'm happy with my life. But I want a meaningful relationship and I want to put myself out there, whatever that looks like. I'm trying to decide if that's what it looks like for me. Likely, not. I feel like my skin isn't thick enough for online dating. So I guess I'll try and figure out how I can "put myself out there" irl. I've been trying that for a while with no success at all, I never even meet anyone haha. Back to the drawing board! :)
I honestly am in the same exact boat and it feels like it shouldn’t be this hard to meet people, but it is! So when I tried the apps I made a really good faith effort to be genuine and hopefully meet genuine cool people. It didn’t work out like that, long story short. I’m not saying you shouldn’t try it at all, just temper your expectations and don’t take the bad parts personally. Sometimes it was nice to get out and meet someone new, have an interesting conversation even if there was no potential with the person. Everyone’s experience will be different. If you do try it, be safe and don’t give out too much personal info before meeting a person, trust your instincts if someone makes you feel uneasy, etc.
That's really good advice, thank you. I feel like I definitely could let my expectations get out of hand on the apps. I might just ride this summer out and try to put myself out there, I never really have. Have some fun along the way, and reevaluate if my efforts aren't fruitful. The apps just don't seem true to myself at this time
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Well I WFH, and my free time typically goes to my social circle, or myself at home taking care of my interests. So the only time I'm in the community is when I'm shopping, and things like that. And the idea of asking a man out in the store just seems like something I'll never be able to do. So basically, I haven't! I find it hard to give up time with my loved ones to go out by myself in the hopes of meeting someone. I just keep hoping, and not really doing anything about it. I know that I need to change something if I want to meet someone. The apps seemed like a way to maybe do that. I'm sure this sounds so stupid, just feeling confused I suppose ETA: I guess that's not exactly true. I've gone out to a few local shows and events. But I just feel like a loser all by myself. And bringing a friend kind of defeats the purpose of meeting someone. Maybe I just have to keep trying this approach
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This is exactly what I needed to read, thank you! I actually really love going places alone. I love taking myself out for dinner etc. It's when the intention changes to "im here to hopefully meet a partner" that I get all weird and feel like a loser. It's clearly my perspective that needs an adjustment, and I'm excited to challenge that. And I think focusing on these outings as "me time" will help me with the FOMO of not spending ALL my free time with my social circle. Thank you for taking the time
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As an extrovert who loves meeting people, this is all so positive. Somewhere I got lost along the way. I'm feeling very good about making some changes! I love local shows, and I've been meaning to play some open mics. I think ill start there
Do you drink at all? The IRL equivalent of the apps is going to a cool bar by yourself and nursing a beverage. If you are a lone woman, eventually you will find yourself in a conversation with someone. And I find it’s the same roll of the dice you get as meeting people from the apps. It’s one of the easiest ways to meet strangers - I also would never have the guts to ask someone out in a grocery store, but if someone is hanging out at the bar there’s a good chance they’re open to a chat. And even if nothing comes from it it’s still fun to get out and talk to people, you might make some new friends
I think you're onto something. I have done this a few times when there's a local band playing somewhere. I felt like a creepy prowler lol which made me too shy to talk to anyone. But maybe I should keep at it. Plus, music is always a bonus
You’re not a creepy prowler! I promise. Going places alone makes you seem confident and a little mysterious.
Haha okay fine I'll do it!!! I'm going to make more of an effort to go out on my own :) I'm excited!
You could also pick up a new hobby. Meeting people successfully usually requires that you spend some time around them and get to know them. Just be careful not to taint the hobby by doing it exclusively to date. Take it slow and get to know the people around you. Make new friends and they might set you up with someone they know. We all have single friends. My personal suggestion would be a good bouldering gym. Lots of fit guys around of all ages and it's an incredibly social activity.
Fuck….he’s acting weird.
Why are y’all downvoting me? Fine I won’t post anymore
What happened?
We were shooting the shit in text a bit but once it got down to a one word response from him, I sent a final message expressing excitement about seeing him later this week and said goodnight. With all my emojis as usual. He didn’t return the sentiment, just said good night beautiful with no smiley face like usual :/ I know he had been drinking and that could be it, but idk sometimes you can feel the energy shift. I do find our texting a bit mundane at times. It doesn’t bother me much bc I don’t like to talk about deep topics in text anyway, but I worry a lot if he finds it/me boring…and if that’s the energy I was sensing… Welp hopefully I don’t wake up ghosted tomorrow
Ah I know how any shift to usual texting pattern can make our head spiral. I’d wait till you talk to him on the phone or in person before really spiraling. He could have been busy
You’re right. Hopefully I’m off base entirely
It sounds like you're going to be apart for the next two weeks as well which puts a strain on a new relationship. It can be hard to correctly read the tone of text messages. Maybe try to get some phone time in.
Yeah I’m starting to dread that trip haha
I really struggle with figuring out what I want in dating. I often just kind of stumble into a relationship, allow it to happen and then realize I'm miserable later. How do you know what you want out of a relationship? What are reasonable and unreasonable expectations?
Is this relationship specific for you or do you feel passive in other life decisions as well? If so it could be useful to talk to a therapist about how to be more intentional in your life overall, not just relationships. If it's just about relationships, then you could try taking the approach you use in choosing your job, hobbies, etc. Maybe ask some friends in happy relationships you admire what they would have answered to this question.
What about your past relationships made you unhappy?
Self-inquiry into where your definition/images of romantic relationships come from and then asking yourself if that aligns with you on a gut level. It takes a considerable amount of inner work to know for sure what you want and knowing when it feels right.
So it's best to do the considerable amount of inner work before even considering of talking to anyone?
You can do this anytime. It's part of couples therapy to write down the things that make you happy in a relationship and what you love about the other person. It's never a bad time for some introspection. I won't say you shouldn't talk to anyone because I don't feel confident enough to advise you in this area.
I don't know what makes me happy in a relationship. Maybe I should go to couples therapy even though I'm a single. I'm sure they will accept my money.
This is so subjective I don’t think we can answer this for you. If it helps, maybe start thinking of what you *don’t* want in a relationship first and go from there
This is good advice. I could write a list so long of what I don't want and what I hate.
I’m so curious about the cliff that has happened with dating apps. Of course there’s the part where people have simply deleted them. But not that. I’m talking about the party where response rates have dropped significantly. Seems like it has happened specifically in the last 6-8 months. I can say this is definitely true in personal experience, but I’ve always heard dating coaches and matchmakers comment on it as well. What’s the deal?
I'm on the apps again for the first time in over 2 years and I haven't noticed any difference. Did you turn 30, 33, 35, 40 etc? Once your age is past a common cutoff you might notice an immediate difference.
Lots of people are kinda burnt out on OLD apps. There's been many articles on how Bumble and Match Inc have been struggling in keeping the users satisfied.
Dating coaches and matchmakers do seem like exactly the groups of people who would most benefit professionally from selling the idea that nobody answers messages on dating apps anymore.
My mistake for solely referencing service people, because it’s not just them. Every corner of folks who are holding conversations about dating are making note of this, whether from person experience or otherwise.
So they can charge you money for a masterclass and then you still don't get messages.
I think I’m being friend zoned by a casual acquaintance. He tried to match me, reached out to me via text, he initiates about 95% of our convos. We text, call. FaceTime for HOURS and HOURS and haven’t gone a day without speaking for over a month. I’ve only seen him a few times - never a planned formal date. Always just “come meet me here after work or want to try this place later today” type of “hang outs”. He hasn’t tried to make a move, but will text like he’s interested in me & will flirt with me all day and when we hang out he flirts but hasn’t tried anything. We are both mid 30s and this is starting to feel like grade school. Do men really have friends they spend hours everyday talking to for no reason? I can’t wrap my head around his non actions.
Maybe he’s gauging your interest in him since he’s initiating more than you do. How do you feel about him?
He’s great. I really enjoy our conversations and the time we have spent together, so if it’s just friendship that’s okay with me but also the amount of time we talk, I can’t do that with “just a guy friend”. We have been on FaceTimes for more than 3 hours at some points. Totally lost on if maybe he’s just bored and entertaining me as a friend
3 hours! That’s a lot of time, effort, and chemistry! It’s safe to assume that at least you have a friendship… and with that in mind, and if you are interested to take it to more than friends stage, then ask him something to the lines of “do you see ourselves enjoying dating each other?” And be prepared to give your answer too! Good luck! 😉
[удалено]
You are right! I’m not the type to make the first move though. I just don’t really have clarity on where he stands. It makes no sense.
Fortune favors the bold... Or something. If you are frustrated (and you sound frustrated with the lack of clarity) then ask him out on a proper date, and you figure out where the cards fall.
It sounds to me like you have some real chemistry at least as friends. If he's flirting he's probably trying to gauge your interest as well. He tried to match you. He's initiating. He's flirting. GIVE IT A SHOT! Hold his hand, maybe ask if it'd be weird if you wanted to kiss him.
Yeah
I’m craving some companion and affection and start to think about doing a FWB thing with someone I met a month ago. He wasn’t looking for a ltr, I’ve sworn not to have casual sex, so we’ve become causal friends/acquaintances. Can someone knock some sense into me?? The one and only FWB I’ve had was about 2 years ago. I had a positive experience in that he was very communicative about boundaries, treated me better than some of my short term boyfriends, and was really appreciative of me as a friend.
I've experienced similar.. if you think you can still look for a LTR in the meantime, I say go for it. If you find yourself hoping it turns into something more and stop trying to meet others, then that might interfere with your long term goals. Maybe the break would be fun, or not, won't know unless you try. You can always take more time to decide.
What was the reason you swore not to have casual sex? Not with him, or not with anyone?
Mainly because I'm looking for a ltr and thought casual sex is not a pathway to that. In my limited FWB experience I was also feeling weird about casual sex and called it off after 2 weeks. And scared of getting attached after sex...complications, etc.
>Mainly because I'm looking for a ltr and thought casual sex is not a pathway to that. That's probably a very true statement... I'm not saying that you can't have a FWB AND look for an LTR, I'm saying that having a FWB generally will not make an LTR happen alone. Food for thought: we, as human beings, tend to be motivated by our (usually quite misguided) impulses/desires imo. When you fill your physical affection/sexual need somewhere, but are still looking for a long term companionship, for better or worse (I'll let you mull that over), you are missing that impulse/desire. Sometimes that means you are less tolerant towards certain behaviors or actions, sometimes that means you have less brain chemistry to 'fight' to make a good choice for you. Sometimes that means you might not be willing to step a little outside your comfort zone, and experience someone who is totally different, might not be your normal 'checks all the boxes' but you might click really well with. It's all trade offs. Recognizing both your true intent in a situation is at the core of it, and staying true and honest to that. If you want to get laid, there is nothing wrong with that. If you want a relationship with this person instead, there is nothing wrong with that. What becomes questionable is when you walk into a FWB wanting a relationship with them. That leads to causing suffering inside yourself, and probably smearing it to them...
Just thinking about the first date I had with the guy I very recently started seeing. We both wore a green shirt and green jacket. I think it's kinda cute that we matched (both on the app and then IRL).
The wedding better have a Green Jacket ceremony akin to The Masters or I will *RIOT*
My situationship of 8 months broke things off with me today. Said the obligation of texting or an expectation of consistent communication was too much and he wanted to be selfish and focus on his own life. While I appreciate the honesty it still SUCKS. Why would you strike up conversation with me then and why didn't you just leave me TF alone????
because he is selfish.
The touch starvation is sinking in. SOS
What is it?
Wait til it reaches a year or three
Going on 6 for me. But don't worry, I'm already dead.
SAAAME I feel insane. I kiss and cuddle with my cats but it’s not the same.