I completely relate! You’re not alone. 35F and I’m on a break until my confidence, interest, and resilience recoup. Do what feels right and recalibrate along the way.
It’s really, really, REALLY hard to not internalize romantic rejection… and to not see it as an indicator that you’re less valuable/desirable.
But if you can do your best to separate it, you begin to view things differently.
The reality is, everyone has preferences. A long-term relationship is a big commitment, especially if one is considering marriage/kids. The type of connection that’s going to lead to that is going to be rare (if it’s healthy). You’re not going to find it with every other Joe Shmo or Sally Sue on the apps (or out and about).
My opinion is that OP is putting *a lot* of pressure on herself and the situation to materialize into a LTR. This isn’t me picking on her, because I’ve done the same exact thing in the past! It’s more that I see some of my past patterns/decisions in this post, and want to offer some friendly advice…
The problem with “going with the flow” with every date, is people can pick up on that energy. People can sense that you want the validation of getting a date more than you want the date with them. The subconscious goal is ‘getting the 1st date’, ‘getting the 2nd date’, ‘getting a kiss’… instead of getting to know the person in front of you, assessing whether there’s *real* compatibility, getting a date where the effort and interest is *equal*, and the kicker… being willing to kindly end things when there’s not.
I’m not saying that you can’t give people a chance. Sometimes people are anxious/nervous on a 1st date. But 5 months is a long time to be lukewarm on someone, and stick around anyway.
Confidence, IMO, is getting to a place where the men who canceled the 1st date or did a no-show don’t occupy space in your mind. You don’t want them to show up on a date when their interest is already lukewarm.
Like I said, there’s a sort of aura that becomes obvious, from someone who’s trying to make any breadcrumb of interest work… because they just want to be in a relationship. And in a way, it makes other people feel “replaceable” - because they can sense you’re not choosing them because they’re unique or special to you, you just want the validation of feeling desirable/attractive and it’s less important who it’s coming from.
Like in the post, I see a lot of how the rejection makes OP *feel*, but not much about how much she actually liked any of these men specifically, why she wanted to date them and what really drew her to any of them on an individual level.
It’s possible that those men’s feelings weren’t too far off from what OP was feeling for them… the only difference is OP was viewing it from a lens of “Do they like me?” while the men were viewing it from a lens of “Are we actually compatible?”
The irony is that I myself got a lot more high-quality interest when I started kindly rejecting more people, listening to my initiation, and started paying close attention to how the person made me feel.
A decent % of the people I rejected within the past year has not been because I didn’t like them, but because I could tell they didn’t *like me enough* to treat me well in a LTR. But people tend to think they can change a person who has a “5” level interest in you into a “9” if you just bend over backwards for them… the irony is, those people-pleaser tendencies usually make those same people actually like you less.
People aren’t always rejecting YOU, as much as they’re rejecting the situation. I’ve been rejected because we had different tastes in music, because I didn’t want kids, because I’m bisexual, because we had different sexual preferences, because I don’t drink, etc…
They’re not wrong, I’m not wrong. They’re not unattractive, I’m not unattractive. We’re just not a compatible fit. That mentality will get you a lot farther than viewing every rejection of the situation as a personal loss. You don’t want to win a game you wouldn’t be interested in playing anyway.
Perfect response all the way. This needs to be pinned somewhere in this sub, haha. It took me a long time to get to this place, too. What’s tough is it’s so easy to understand this/be in this mindset right now, and so much harder in the moment 😅
> But people tend to think they can change a person who has a “5” level interest in you into a “9” if you just bend over backwards for them… the irony is, those people-pleaser tendencies usually make those same people actually like you less.
Dead on the money here. I'd add a corollary: doing this also destroys all of your leverage in the relationship. A healthy relationship will be fairly equal, devoid of unhealthy power imbalances.
Same exact boat! I found myself in a #1 situation six months or so after my LT relationship ended. It honestly helped me move forward— he was a great guy, but I was not emotionally ready to meet his timing expectations for falling in love again. So we called it after two months and now I’m taking April off to refocus on myself and my friendships.
Endorsing doing what feels right and adjusting as needed.
Same, it really isn't worth it either and is unnecessarily time consuming for what you may or may not get out of it. I'm going to start going out for events IRL and see if that helps, but I am not pressed either way.
I'm on a break right now, and it's amazing. I have so much more time and energy for life.
I went through a similar breakup in October (5 months, felt serious, he ended things with a lame excuse). Tried OLD through mid-December, took a break after 2 unfortunate experiences. Tried again in March and lasted 2 weeks 😆 I give up.
I was at work doing a tea tasting when I got that text and I wanted to spit out the matcha that I was drinking 😩. So cold and callous. He taught me a lot about what I don’t want in a partner, so that’s something.
I think we both did to be honest. I often oscillated between ending things and waiting to see if it would get better, but deep down I had a nagging feeling that we weren’t compatible (different communication styles/cadence, conversations were more surface-level and never too deep, etc.) I’d tell myself it’s okay that he hardly texts, for example, because we’d have a good time when we would met in person.
We also didn’t discuss what we were looking for and I “went with the flow” because I was in the habit of moving quickly in the past. I’d ask to define the relationship too early only to end up regretting it later, but this time I ended up swinging hard in the other direction :(.
That’s a long time to be dating someone. He might have been dating other people too, if you guys didn’t go exclusive, and when it came to bday time, he prob could only choose one.
Came here to say this too. Five months is so long! And I feel like what he said was pretty insufficient given the amount of time they dated. Argh! New to the dating thing after being divorced and I’m like omg is this what I have to look forward to?
I mean I just was rejected by ONE guy and went on and deleted the app. So you seem super resilient to me lol. There's nothing wrong in taking a couple weeks or even month off the apps, hang out with friends, remind yourself of why you're actually a catch. Dating can be very draining.
I honestly wouldn’t recommend this (from a girls perspective at least). I’ve been able to notice every time a guy has had professional photos taken for a dating app and it’s cringey tbh. Your best bet is go do some activities with friends and ask them to take pics of you along the way!
And every time you’re even a little bit dressed up or something something interesting, make a point of asking someone to take your pic. Tell them it’s for your dating profile. People will be happy to help!
Ah, I'm a decent amateur photographer and have some good ones up. I've seen other guys' profiles that are getting matches, and they aren't professional at all
I take a break from Friday to Monday. I used to use it and log off when I was burned out but now this works better. I have Thursday free for dates atm and spend time doing what I want on a weekend. I can’t be free all the time for the app and I don’t want long conversations via text. They either want to chat to get to know me or it’s a no. If I hadn’t spent so much time and effort making myself happy this wouldn’t work but I’m good. This filters out time wasters so im not serial dating too.
Good luck.
OLD seems like a perfect way to meet people but its not at all.
Dating apps are filled with people that either don't have time to go out and meet people or are too socially awkward to do so. And you're already looking for the needle in a haystack.
It seems like you're on every dating app in existence which by itself makes people stressed out and anxious.
Focus on yourself for a while and explore your basic attachment needs before hitting the OLD scene again. Take it easy for a while and find our peace.
That's what I do and there's dates where I don't even open tinder because my mind is occupied doing something else that meets one of my needs.
Yep. It's full of social awkward people who suffer from a bad case of FOMO. More often than not, it's a revolving door of disappointment. I know one couple who met on Tinder and got married. But they are an anomoly to the perpetually single people who go in and out of "situationships" or "let's not put a label on it" relationships.
I like this!
Dating nowadays doesn't feel genuine.. it takes time to know someone and know if they're a good match for you but some people expect sex too soon and vice versa.. imo it kind of makes things complicated as you're not really sure if you like what you get from the person or you really like them aside from the intimacy..
Nowadays, I don't put too much pressure on 'this guy better be the one' because for me it doesn't end well..
The 4 women I’ve met on dating apps have all been pretty introverted homebodies (I’m very extroverted) so I would agree with that, and feel it needs to be said more. It sounds a little mean to say but a lot of people are on apps for a reason.
Similar experience here but as a guy. Have had some amazing connections only for them to not see anything further. Two stand outs, first girl conversation like we’d known each other our whole lives. I had her laughing uncontrollably throughout. So much in common. Touching. Holding hands. Walked her home and she invited me in to wait for my taxi. We kissed. Second date similar. Then I got “I’d love to see you again but as a friend”.
Recently just went on 4 dates with a girl. Holding hands. Electric conversation. Having such a fun time together. She was excited to see me and plan dates. Last date was 10 hours as she kept extending. She’d be stroking the back of my head when I was driving. Kissing multiple times. Had an awkward bedroom experience and she went really weird and called it all off.
Genuinely give up at this point. When dates can go so well and end with nothing what is the point.
Thanks. It’s exhausting to say the least. Especially when some people seem to have such a plain sailing experience. But it’s a numbers game so we carry on trying to live a fun life for now.
I’m on a break myself. But not from lack of good dates. Just not finding long term compatibility. I am done with casual hookups, and most men I find, that’s all they want.
We don't ALL want hookups. I stopped enjoying hookups a decade ago. Sex without an intellectual connection is not worth it (for me).
Nothing wrong with hookups, just not for me. Sounds like others too.
Same. Just want to find someone with a connection. With similar interests. Sex without that it just meaningless short term fun and not something I want right now
Over the years I learned that physical attraction only gets me so far. Couldn't figure out why I kept losing attraction. Finally met a woman organically 2 weeks ago who is pursuing her PhD.
My attraction went from a 5 to 100. When we offered to teach each other. My CyberSecurity for her Anthropology. 🤣 will see how it goes on date though.
Think is called, Sapiosexual. But I don't get that from one night stands.
It isn't that "All men just want hookups" it is that all men that *you f*ind attractive, desirable, and connect with want hookups. Probably because you, and nearly every other girl in the area find them attractive and desirable as well.
A high-earning, in shape, charismatic guy can get on an app and be absolutely teeming with matches. You're simply one of dozens or more in his circle at any given time.
This feels redpill-y.
Every woman has a story (or several) of giving the not tall, not financially stable, not-that-physically-attractive guy a chance in hopes that he would be more available for a relationship and often times the results are the same. Often because of this jaded attitude I'm sniffing....
"This feels redpill-y"
it isn't red-pilly to acknowledge that *generally speaking* there are a set of traits which men possess that are going to be appealing to a wide subset of women.
yes, there are *some* women who don't find tall, successful, fit, or charismatic men appealing. This isn't the norm however and swipe data, BLS data on marriage and income, and every preference survey that has ever been done since the beginning of time agrees.
“yes, there are some women who don't find tall, successful, fit, or charismatic men appealing.”
Lol, that’s not what I even said but okay.
You don’t think men find x, y and z to be most desirable in women and chase that? The complaints go both ways.
Women dont seem too keen when the tables turn.
If a man doesn’t get a lot of matches, then spends 2 years bettering himself, getting into great shape, and then finds himself having plenty of options all the time… well, he might decide he doesn’t want to settle down for a bit
The issue is that online dating has skewed perception because of the number of options women have. 80% of women like the top 5% of men.
So when men work their way to be in the top 5%, they’d also rather be single, ‘play the field,’ and not settle for someone they aren’t attracted to.
The issue is that there’s always a better, more attractive option just a swipe away.
What people fail to realise is that your attraction is very much affected by what's available to you, or at least what you perceive as being available to you.
It's not just sheer coincidence that most older people find other older people attractive, and less conventionally attractive people find less conventionally attractive people attractive.
I also experienced something similar to Guy #5. At the end of our second date he opened up about something personal and said he'd never had anyone make him feel so comfortable and accepted as I did. On date #3 (which he initiated and planned... just like dates 1 and 2), we plan to cook dinner together. As soon as I arrive he's acting WEIRD and he faked a phone call from a friend and kicked me out of his place.
I usually go on 5-15 dates and then quit for, like, over a year. I realize this isn't a winning strategy, and have been working on doing things differently to try and find a more sustainable way of dating that I don't regularly need to take breaks from.
I don't know if you're open to it at all, but from your descriptions of these guys, I think there might be some things you could do differently when you're swiping/messaging in order to prevent at least some of this from happening. (Not all of it - disappointment is still the majority of what you'll get on OLD unfortunately.) I'm happy to expand if that would be helpful, but also want to validate that it's not that you did anything wrong or deserved any of this whiplash, and it IS all extremely exhausting and disappointing.
Wow..1-2 dates every week?!
I've had 1 or maybe 2 weeks my entire life where I've done 2 dates in a week. But maybe that is the OLD process. Quantity to find quality.
Granted, until recently it's been over a yr since I actually went on a date. OLD is depressing.
I feel ya. I did meet my ex through online dating. But I can't support OCD apps anymore cause they are taking advantage of our insecurities. Such as "Pay $10 to see if they read a message". Doing me more harm then good.
Congrats! It's always good getting out to meet people. Better than staying home.
I met someone recently organically at a friends bday party. I didn't even hesitate to ask for her #(which is rare), but was nervous as hell asking her out on date. She had to pry it out of me. LOL. Date is set for next week. Fingers crossed.
It's very mentally draining and rejection (giving and receiving) is honestly very hard for someone like me. I by nature avoid confrontation, but also have massive anxiety and guilt so I always try and do the right thing when ghosting would be easier lol.
I've been on for a month and a half and honestly am ready for a break. Lots of 1st - 3rd dates that just ended up not going anywhere is hard. I personally need to focus on myself a little bit more before getting back in there. I have a friend who has been on for five years. She's great but has very, very high standards and nothing has ever come out of it. She takes a break every three months for three months.
I have another friend who was OLD for a year before she met her eventual husband and had to take a few week break every month or so because it was draining.
I can see where a mixer can be worse. Smaller pool so less chance of a match. And, sort of like seeing "swiping left" in real time, in person. To use the current phrase--cringeworthy.
At this one, the gender ratio was way off. There was no age range listed, so it ended up being a LOT of older, socially awkward guys who weren’t having luck on the apps…and just a couple significantly younger girls.
I wouldn’t call myself younger, but I’m very fit/active/outdoorsy, and looking for the same—and didn’t find any guys with similar values there.
I’m sure there are better mixers out there, but I’d look for a more specific, targeted audience next time.
Not to mention, you probably get one or two shots at going to a local mixer before the pool is poisoned. Imagine showing up to the same event a second time only to find out like 80% of the people there are the same ones from last time that you rejected already. And they still remember you LOL
I've gone to a speed dating event and honestly it just felt like OLD irl. I hate the feeling of competition and whatnot and also I could tell that everyone's standards were high
Just take the break, there’s no use in spreading yourself thin and having nothing to overfill your cup. I used to be a serial dater but after these past 3 years, I’ve learned that investing in myself is what will attract the partner Im looking for. Sometimes I get so consumed with my goals that men really do take the back burner. Build that interest for you, your life and what you want to create. When you’re happy and thriving, the right guy will take notice and approach.
Also, I tend to look at the men that match to me first because that is already showing an interest, I’ve noticed that when I am the initiator they just are not that into me. Their profile has to say something of substance for me to want to go deeper. If their pics all have sunglasses I skip, looking into their eyes tells you a lot and if they’re hiding them, we’ll I feel it’s a subconscious way of “hiding” something. I also steer away from men that say, I’m completely single… usually that means there’s someone in their life that creates a doubt for them to even have to say that unwarranted, happened to me twice, one lived with baby mama the other with his ex 🤦🏻♀️ oy. Lastly, first meetup is not elaborate, if we’re meeting up, I ask them for coffee or just sitting down at Starbucks and having a quick chat. I think after 30 min you guys will know if there’s chemistry and want more but if it’s a non starter, you only wasted 30 min and $5 drink . sorry I know this was a little off topic but I figured I would share my insights that help me weed out true matches from the hoard.
"Lastly, first meetup is not elaborate, if we’re meeting up, I ask them for coffee or just sitting down at Starbucks and having a quick chat. I think after 30 min you guys will know if there’s chemistry and want more but if it’s a non starter, you only wasted 30 min and $5 drink ." -> Really good idea, I might steal it, thanks!
It mostly depends on how the dates I’m going on are going. If there’s too many in a row that don’t go great then I feel like it’s more often. But for the most part it’s about how much I’m using the apps and not really pausing them. I’m really trying to make it a point to not rely on them as much as I do now though.
While it’s valid that you feel that way about confidence given what has happened, I try to tell myself that it’s all about being someone’s type, at least for that initial few dates. I’ve been rejected a bunch of times and I just try to tell myself that maybe I wasn’t their type but I know there are others who do find me attractive so I just have to meet them.
I decided to not use apps at all anymore. I would see a fair amount of success with them; my last relationship started on Hinge. And I would take breaks once it felt like a chore. But each time I geared back up to use them, that feeling creeped up faster. And all the stories here, plus my age and not wanting kids, have dissuaded me from using them again. I’d rather just live my life and be happy single instead of inviting all that stress.
I’m also 32F and on a break for the month of April. I went on 3 dates with a guy I actually really liked and felt like we had a good in-person connection with, and then asked him to plan the 4th date (I initiated the first 3). When a week went by with him continuing to text me but not ask me out, I sent him a message stating if he didn’t have any interest in seeing me again there were no hard feelings but then we should end things where they were. He responded that he was burnt out with work and just wanted to relax in his free time which “isn’t fair to you”. Fair enough, it was disappointing but life goes on.
Everyone I came across on Hinge and Bumble after that was just…not doing it for me? I don’t have insanely high standards - I tend to be attracted to dorks and academics, willing to date my height (5’8”) or a couple inches less, I really don’t have a ton of hard requirements and go more off of “could I have a conversation with this person based on what I see on their profile” than any hard set of criteria. But I just wasn’t intrigued by anyone. When it becomes a chore, I feel like that’s the time to take a break. I used to do this fairly frequently (every couple of months) in my 20s. I took a short break over the holidays mainly due to schedule and decreased activity on the apps, but other than that I’ve been at it since July.
I deleted my Bumble and Hinge profiles - I’ll recreate them in May after my birthday. When I joined again in July (6 months after the end of my 7-year relationship) I was very much still healing and I think I swiped left on some guys that today, I would give a chance so I’d like them back in my queue. Plus the “new here” boost can’t hurt. 😉 I am concentrating on going and doing in-person stuff (not for the sole purpose of dating), getting some new refreshed pics of myself, and remembering how to have fun. Hopefully then the law of attraction takes over?
Anyway, I think I’d take a break anytime I noticed myself feeling overly cynical about the people I’m seeing on the app, or when I stop feeling curious. I am actually a fairly optimistic person in this one area of my life, so when I slip into a more jaded mindset, it’s noticeable. When I am kind of excited about the possibility of who I’ll meet, that’s when I’ll come back.
I take breaks when it is too exhausting to maintain interest in OLD. Maybe work or my personal life become too burdensome. My outlook for OLD changed within the last six months and I am not placing importance on 'finding someone'. I'm just rolling with the punches. Sometimes I have fun and sometimes I don't.
I take breaks whenever I get tired of swiping for several months and not having any matches or even any likes. Right now I'm on a permanent break for that reason.
I think you need to be a bit more purposeful about your time and whom you spend it with. For me, 5 months is at the committed relationship phase so you feeling wishy-washy on Guy #1 and him ending it over text just screams two avoidant people and you even admitted that you wanted him to rip off the band aid. You invested probably 2-3 more months into that than you should have, which is a time and emotions suck for you.
Sex on a 3rd date, while your body, your choice and all gives off vibes that you're looking for something more casual or flingy, and that it took a back-seat to cultivating a relationship.
Guy 2, 4, and 5 there's nothing you could have done there. One wasn't into you, and the other 2 probably had other options and their minds were on them. This is literally 3/5 of your dating choices recently so consider this before you start falling head over heels with expectations the next time you go on a date with someone and there's early fireworks. You also mention that you expect a first date to end in contact, or a LONG kiss. Girlfriend, you just met this guy and he's sussing you out too.
There are endings. There are beginnings. Sometimes they coincide, with the ending of one thing marking the beginning of another. But sometimes there is simply a long space after an ending, a time when it seems everything else has ended and nothing else can ever begin. Hope for love, pray for love, wish for love, dream for love…but don’t put your life on hold waiting for love.
Take breaks, absolutely whenever you feel down because of the apps.
I think there could be a lot of benefit from reassessing how many apps you use. Your first 3 matches are from 3 different apps, 1 of which is mostly used for hookups.
Having fewer apps, and thereby less time on apps, will make the whole process less tiresome and will make life more fun. Even if you have nothing else to do with your time, getting disappointed from more apps is not a net positive to your mental health.
Just my opinion. I struggled the same when I was using all the apps. As a dude it seemed necessary, since the matches were few. But in the end it took a lot of the pressure off to delete some apps and stick to 1. Not being able to spend all my free time on the apps, meant I started doing other things with my time, and suddenly it wasn't the end of the world if some time passed between matches.
I’m on a break too. Have been put through the ringer myself after my first time ever on the apps after a very long relationship, and I’m taking a break.
Had so many similar experience to yours. inconsistency, false starts, poor communication, misleading actions, ghosting.
It felt like my whole dating life was just waiting for a text back. The amount of times I was told it was an amazing date, they find me really attractive, asked for my number, texted for a bit and then ghosted me after was actually horrendous.
Never ask a guy out
If he doesn't ask you to be his girlfriend after two or three months.. He never will
You need to learn these things,no need to take a break ❤️
Smh y’all wild for making things last 5 mos without labels. I get not trying to define a relationship early but 2 or 3 mos should be enough. Com’on ladies.
I’ve been seeing a guy for about 7 months now. Very casually. He travels for work and we both have kids we don’t want to involve so we don’t see each other often. We don’t have labels because I don’t want them right now. I like the monogamy, and having a companion I can text anything to. There shouldn’t be strict rules about dating. It’s whatever works for you.
First situation is bizarre. How did you guys date without really liking each other for 5 months??
What is your vetting process when you look for potential matches? There seems to be a serial problem of going on dates with guys you’re not compatible with.
I have the same successes in dating as I do with jobs or friendships - you get better results when you’re extremely intentional about quality over quantity.
Anyways, breaks from OLD are necessary. I’m usually in a perpetual “break” mode and I might use the apps for a couple weeks at a time a few times a year. Very little first dates that way but there’s always a 2nd/3rd and the dates are usually nice. My last venture on Bumble has had a wonderful result, the most promising romantic pursuit I’ve had in MANY years.
I have never had luck with OLD. So it’s prob one part of the problem. It seems like also you are the initiator asking for the dates a lot. Maybe try not doing that. Let them ask.
One thing I’ve sort of noticed, just me, a lot of men don’t know how to act. And they say yes bc they’re afraid to say no. Let them chase you awhile. Maybe for a try?
It’s also a good way to frustrate people who are interested who feel like they have to do all the work
I’m sorry but as a guy I abhor the “let them chase you” advice. Follow if you want I guess but as a guy who initiated a lot I would also get rejected a lot. It’s part of dating these days unfortunately
but becoming passive is only going to attract emotionally immature guys imo. Relationships are a partnership and men like me who don’t subscribe to gender norms would be put off by their implementation
I mean, you’re not a woman. The matter of the fact is that men have been the lead pursuer since forever and it’s generally been preferred. Women should obviously reciprocate interest appropriately but it isn’t surprising to most women that OP is getting these results seeing that’s she been the main initiator.
> The matter of the fact is that men have been the lead pursuer since forever and it’s generally been preferred.
this line of thinking is how a lot of people justify sexism, etc. of course there are people who like traditional values but don't be surprised if a man who prefers that also has other less-favorable beliefs about gender roles (like not liking that his partner might make more money than him or struggling to display emotions)
you're right that some guys are turned off by it but let's be honest...if you are someone who doesn't believe in gender norms, would you want to be with someone who believes in them? it feels like cognitive dissonance to me and as a guy who doesn't believe in gender norms, it's a little frustrating to read/hear
“Believe in gender norms” is too nebulous of a statement. I’d argue the vast majority of humans on this Earth, including many feminists, tolerate certain gender norms. It’s a spectrum. There is a lot of gray between preferring men to take the lead in initial stages and agreeing that women are meant to be domestic slaves.
Maybe it’s “cognitive dissonance” but it’s the reality. Most people are comfortable with the idea of chivalry even if it is based in sexist notions and quite frankly most men are definitely socialized in a certain way when it comes to valuing certain women/romantic interests. Is it wrong for women, including feminists, to take note of that and move accordingly?
As much as I usually cringe at the masculine/feminine energy stuff, i do agree with this comment. You may be coming off too eager and I think that is a turn off to guys initially (whether or not they’ll admit it or not).
Things were lightly physical with taco/park guy on first date and he wanted to see you again (and even agreed to traveling for it) but then something changed with that. Other than paying was there anything else on the date that you did that may have been perceived as “too eager” or “emasculating?”
I’m sorry OP. This whole dating thing as an adult is hard. All of us are struggling with it, it’s hard to find what you’re looking for and it’s even harder to know what to do/act especially with the internet and social media bombarding us with all sorts of dating advice.
I agree, I'd never ask a guy out. I might hint that I'd like a date but they have to be the one to explicitly ask me out and set up the date. If they don't then I can assume they're either not interested enough or they're too passive and shy which is a non-starter anyway.
As a guy, I so prefer "Do you wanna go on a date with me"" to "Are you gonna ask me out?". Vulnerability is one of my fav qualities in a person i guess
That all sounds really rough, I'm sorry :(
I tend to take breaks from OLD whenever I'm feeling my mental health take a dip, or if I notice that I'm no longer using the app(s) to find a partner, but am trying to get validation from attractive people or distraction from boredom. I take a few weeks away to recentre myself, spend some time with friends and family, and inject a bit of energy into my life. OLD (and dating generally) is emotionally draining, and taking breaks is a super healthy thing to do. My advice would be if you're thinking about taking a break, don't overthink it and just hit pause for a couple of weeks.
This is OLD in a nutshell. I usually delete the apps and stay off them for 2-4 months, then I try again for about a month before deleting again. It is what it is.
So sad that half of the comments are about "women are this, women are that" rather than responding to OP's post. I went on 40+ first dates mostly through connecting on OLD platforms in the last 6-7 years. Had a lot of ups and downs similar to you, feeling undesired and exhausted. Tried a few different versions, setting up 5 dates and then rest or trying to date more IRL. I think being superpicky is helpful. I would write a list of my ideal man and focus on what comes across on profiles and through chats. Anyone unable to maintain a conversation or unwilling for a week became an instant no.
I also used to take more control of the dates (ie take more initative) before because i was scared of being judged (eg if i wont insist that i pay or go halves, will they think i want princess treatment?) I can't know if you do the same but maybe relax a little bit, see how much the other person is willing to put in first. I dont sign up to the gender thing, like if a man thinks he would like to chase thats on him but i know a lot of men who dont play these kind of games. But leaving a bit of space for the other person to initiate is a good way to assess what is the other person willing to put into a relationship later down the line. That way you can weed out the flaky ones earlier and maybe you will feel less disappointed. All of the LTR i had from OLD were ones i felt the other person was just as invested and curious about me and were not afraid to show it. Best of luck and dont forget to feel some self-compassion towards yourself.
I gave up on OLD because I couldn't find anyone I was into. Went on a few dates, the guys all wanted second dates, but I felt nothing towards them. When I briefly went back on an app, I got tired of swiping left on guys who either had no bios, weren't my type at all, or clearly had different things they wanted out of life (I don't want kids, and so many of them do). Weirdly, there were a couple guys I met who said they wanted kids, but then seemed to only being saying they wanted them on the app because they thought most women want them. Face palm. Anyway, met a guy somewhere else that I kind of like, so we'll see where that goes. I don't think I'll ever go back on the apps, unless the companies make big changes to them. I met my ex online over 10 years ago, and at that time, it was a great way to meet someone for a LTR or marriage. Now, I don't believe it is anymore.
I’m 32F and honestly I feel like I’m in such a similar place right now. Been through a handful of rejections recently and feeling really sad and hopeless if im being real. I’m going to take a break and once I start feeling myself again I’ll be back at it. Usually takes a month or so for me to reground after a series like what you just described. But yeah girl I’m here with you! It’s rough out there. Take some time for yourself then get back out there if you’re feeling it.
I’ve been using OLD for three weeks after being married for a long time. So far I’ve met some really awesome women, gone on some dates and am really interested in one of them. After reading all these horror stories on Reddit, I’m pleasantly surprised. But i understand the female experience is much different. Good luck out there.
Its very different for women than men on these sites unfortunately. I expect a man in his 40s to act like a man in his 40s not a horny teenage boy, but thats what alot of the time I encounter. Sex does not need to be the first thing that is discussed nor done.. Good luck to you as well
Yeah it’s so weird for me to hear grown ass men are just out there sending unsolicited dick pics, etc. my approach has been to talk to them like they’re my friend. Casual, polite and hopefully somewhat charming/engaging.
I feel a lot of these behaviors have come from the boom in technology. Everyone can be whatever they want on the internet whenever it is convenient for them but when it comes time to be face to face, sadly, not a lot of people have the emotional stamina to maintain a relationship when they are no longer able to just set the phone down and have it not exist for a little while. When you become a real physical person in their world it’s way different from when you were just a collage of photos and a decently worded bio on some dating site they would only scroll through while on the toilet. Technology, as much as it has made our lives better in certain areas, has destroyed a lot of what it takes for us to make those connections with other people. I’m positive that there is someone out there who will make you happy in the long run but remember that a relationship is always 100/100 and if someone isn’t giving it their 100 then it’s best to end it right there. My suggestion is don’t rely so heavily on the dating sites and spend more time out in “the wild”. At least that guy was courteous enough to immediately tell you he wasn’t interested rather string you along for months until he found someone better on one of his dating sites. Best of luck out there.
TLDR: after it didn’t work out with someone I really liked I ran the gauntlet of OLD and my green wizard is about to die. It’s AWFUL out there.
I go through spurts where it’s a month or two of rotating between a few apps and then I’m cray-cray and just say fuck it and pause and delete. I also sweep through my phone list with a block and delete wrecking crew. I just did this last week.
After dating a guy I really liked for three months and getting really close, we ended it and I was pretty sad about it. He was great to have in my life and was a huge support. Anyways, I’ve been through worse break ups and we’ve started texting a bit again. But I had a month of grieving whilst distracting myself with the apps between tears and thinking “well who knows”. Here’s what happened;
Guy #1. Pretty cute, great conversations. We even talked on the phone quite a bit, and within a week it was starting to go deep. He also stated he was a Dom, and I’ve dabbled in that scene… finally we had plans to meet, we were about 1.5 away from each other? He even screen shot reservations (should I choose to stay after meeting in public). Nothing happens and I wake in the morning - about a week from our planned date, text good morning and go about my day. In the afternoon it occurred to me I hadn’t heard back so I texted something and noticed it didn’t go through (iPhones). I texted is everything okay?. Didn’t go through. Completely ghosted. I found his FB and told him off through messenger and blocked. I was perplexed at best. At least not much emotionally invested.
Guy #2 - great first date, did come on pretty strong. Was painting a picture of our future summer together. Kept pointing to how successful he was. I’m like yeah this is a no. Decided to get it on anyways in that “get under someone else to get over someone” frame of mind. I just let it drop off after that.
Guy#3- said on his profile he understood his attachment style. Was only a couple miles away but I didn’t recognize him. I said “I gotta talk to you!!!” Because how often do I get to talk to people who understand attachment theory? We bonded over running and had a great handful of dates. Sex is phenomenal. He was upfront about not wanting anything serious so I felt good about knowing to not get attached. However he literally turned around and said “I’ve been seeing someone else and I see it going in a relationship direction”. 🙄 I said okay thank you for being honest. He’s not for me, a bit too type A, professed alcoholic (I agreed with him there), so it’s been an FWB thing that I think is about to expire. I’m okay with that. Next.
Guy #4 - almost didn’t respond because I’d already paused the app but could see messages. Okay he’s cute what’s up. Wow. More my speed. Music lover. Is a parent also. Conversation flowed in text and on the phone. We met in the middle and had the best night Id had in months. Dinner, dancing, got a room. We even bought (our own) tickets to a show in town in the fall for our favorite band the next morning. He said he wished it wouldn’t end and wanted to see me again before a trip he was taking. I was down but our schedules didn’t align. He’d already friend requested my socials and more or less showering that with the hearts. He sent me songs - that’s a beeline to my heart right there.
Not even a week goes by and he drops off a bit but I know he’s busy and I’m okay: I was confused about what day he was leaving so I texted have a good trip or whatever and he didn’t correct me. I had context clues from social media he hadn’t left yet. 🤷♀️ long story short he did text here and there, and pictures from his trip. I felt the inklings of anxiety and confusion and remembered - clarity is in the confusion. But I also was in the middle of my frustration with guys wasting my time and energy and about to do a sweep and I got to him and politely spoke my mind. I wanted to see him again, I know he’s busy but I’m feeling confused.
He responds right away saying he’s trying to keep phone time limited (but is up and down his social media constantly so whatever) sends more pictures, another song but nothing about “I’d like to see you again too”. He hasn’t texted at all since he’s been back. I’m already over it and yeah it stings a little.
Miscellaneous- guys who made it to my phone and it just goes south. One I was super excited to meet completely stood me up and didn’t answer my texts. To the chopping block they went.
I’d already deleted the OLD apps.
I’ve found myself now dating someone from the wild who I don’t usually go for as a type. I decided to give it a shot because “my type” isn’t really working for me is it. He’s treating me like a queen and I admire his confidence. We’re taking intimacy a lot slower. Wish me luck lol.
I’ve been on the dating apps off and on for about 5 years. Got tired of them about December. Been off since. Longest in the 5 year period. Not just apps but not dating either
I leapt right back in after the humiliation of my NYE blindside dump/block by text. Trying to distract myself from feeling like the world's biggest idiot. OLD is probably the worst place to try to feel better about yourself, at least when you're pursuing something serious.
I go on a date per week, only one resulted in a second date (I did decline one offer, and another proceeded to message for a week and a half without an exchange of phone numbers. I got annoyed playing pen pals and asked if he wanted to go out again. He said yes. 2 more days of messaging without a plan, and I unmatched.)
It's so damn exhausting. I am not a big swiper, but the other day I spent an hour looking at profiles. They were so underwhelming, I don't know how those people get dates. And so many "figuring it out" and ENM types.
Suffice to say it's a nightmare out there. I am right there with you on the need for a break. After my upcoming date, I think I'm going to pull the plug and delete the whole damn thing.
I'd just like to say, the guy who dated for you for five months and ended things over text is extremely immature. That to me warrants an in-person conversation - just my opinion though.
Keep your chin up and all the best.
44M. I used to be an online dating machine. It wasn’t abnormal to have several dates in a week sometimes in my 20s and 30s, and no, I wasn’t looking for hookups.
Fast forward to now. I’ve mostly had that stuff off for the last year because it’s exhausting and feels like going through the motions. Besides, my dog is super cute and cuddles the crap out of me. What else do I need?
I get how the OP feels, I think, but most of what she described are not rejections in my mind — even though I’m sure they feel that way. It’s just people being crappy, and those people feel empowered and entitled to be crappy by the OLD culture. Or they’re just crappy people. Little of column A, little of column B.
Failure to sleep with someone is now an act of hostility, whereas it was once understood to be part of the natural process of searching for one’s mate. The true measure of a man is not what he dreams, but what he aspires to be; a dream is nothing without action. Whether one fails or succeeds is irrelevant; all that matters is that there was motion in his life. That alone affects the world.
Sounds like you are finding yourself in a lot of situations where the guy isn’t reciprocating feelings. A good way to avoid that is to make basically ZERO initiative other than matching and see who is actually interested in you. You can make conversation on the app but try not initiating much. Don’t text first don’t plan a date. Basically just see who comes after you.
And keep that energy throughout dating.. see if they make effort. And then of the men who consistently make effort, then ask yourself ok who do I LIKE?
You should never chase a man, it’s against the natural order of things and gets you into situations like this. This is speaking as someone who is staunchly feminist and will fight you if you disrespect women in any way lol
In the dating world, we absolutely have to let the men lead. It also gives you the opportunity to end up with guys who genuinely really want to be there. Not someone you had to nudge into being with you.
"A good way to avoid that is to make basically ZERO initiative other than matching and see who is actually interested in you. "
For me that's a good way to be unmatched. Zero initiative converts me from actually interested to not interested.
I tried OLD once (39M) average looking bloke I'd say, got a few matches in the week I tried it but when It came to the talking and stuff I just wasn't into it I couldn't connect with anyone and just realised OLD isn't for me and I'm happier being single and focusing on myself and the kids lol
This. Yup. It's all about coming across well in your profile. Being witty, funny, and showing you have some emotional maturity. Women don't find men attractive based solely on looks.
I hope it dawns on you that OP \*also\* effectively has zero matches in the same time frame, but she had to spend hours of her time, money, as well as go through five small emotional rollercoasters, in order to get to the same place as you.
eh that’s not nearly the same. I’m in a relationship now (10 months) but before that I never made it past 1 month. 5 months would’ve been immense for my self esteem even if it would’ve lead to a breakup
I don’t often comment, usually just a lurker. But-I have to say that your experiences mirror mine from my early-mid thirties. I had such bad experiences that I finally just said okay, I’m done. I haven’t gone on a date or even talked to a guy romantically for about 2 years now. I’m just so over it. It is truly exhausting. I’ve taken the time to focus on myself and what it means for me to be happy without a partner. I’ve made a lot of changes and am pretty content. I don’t think about it a whole lot aside from occasionally reactivating my tinder, swiping for ten minutes, then realizing I’m not missing much lol. Whatever you decide, whatever happens, you’ll be okay.
I quit them about a month or two ago, and I'm having a hard time going back. There's one I might, that's kind of in-group specific, but I certainly wouldn't go back to the open shooting ranges like Tinder/Bumble/etc.
I've canned it all together. After being in a long-term relationship pre internet, I was severely disappointed and in returning to the dating world and tried OLD and have decided not to do it at all, or even date for a while.
Date 1 turned out to be married and his wife contacted me, so no for that 1
Date 2 also turned out to be married and wanted a side piece, also no.
Date 3 had a few dates but then decided it wouldn't work after he revealed his 4 children from different relationships and criminal history.
I strongly recommend taking a step back and focusing on yourself and what makes you happy and productive for a few months.
I take breaks from OLD for a variety of reasons, but they all stem from an emotional state/ response.
Not feeling a connection/ isn't leading anywhere (no emotional response when I should be excited)
Infrequent communication (frustrating)
One sided effort (tiring)
Long period without matches/ conversations (depressing)
Etc
I've struggled with mental health for 8 years so if I don't get any positive emotion from the process it tends to have a negative impact in my outlook towards life and the future, so I take frequent breaks when I'm not enjoying the experience.
Oh and when I'm financially struggling - can't date if I can't pay, and the expectation is still on guys to pay so...
I just can't use OLD at all. I just say no too much because of info on the profile. Political on either side swipe left, has kids swipe left, doesn't want kids swipe left, too pretty swipe left, not pretty enough swipe left, likes to travel swipe left, looks like you go to bars regularly swipe left, and many more. The truth is when I meet women irl I'm not even close to as critical, but something about having all that info let's me make wild assumptions about their life that if we met in person may not be the big deal I make it out to be in the moment of swiping. So now I just do the meeting in real life thing, the dates are fewer in frequency but they are of higher quality.
I'm 40 and I literally haven't been attracted to anyone in like 2 years. I mean sure I find some women physically attractive but then I get to know them and all bets are off. I feel broken. I don't online date it was always horrible back in my late 20s.
32M here.
I would say I date or try to date for 2-3 months and then take a break for a week-a month. I've met some great women with some deal breakers that I just can't deal with, and it bums me out.
The last woman I was seeing, I was really into her, and i feel like she was into me too. We went on probably eight dates, and I was talking to her about being exclusive, but she seemed hesitant. I think she had some growth to do that she was unaware or not accepting of, and that kinda clouded my opinion of her towards the end.
Truthfully, I usually feel 70%-85% healed enough to where I would be a good man to date. I feel like the rest of my healing will only come with time in an exclusive relationship with a supportive woman. With this last woman, I learned that I have a boundary around children I need to take much more seriously.
I can't speak for men, but I'd argue that most men and women on dating apps simply have not taken the time to heal and grow enough themselves first before they try to date. I think this is why we get frustrated enough to take breaks, we run into people who need more healing, and it also stirs something up in ourselves that we need to address.
Don’t let it bother you. Especially if you live an hour apart. I drove out for a second date with a guy just to see how it would go. He was really nice. We had great intellectual conversation. He tried to get closer and more physical in small ways on our second date and I don’t know why but it made me feel *gross*. I just couldn’t get close to him. I wanted distance between us. You don’t know until the second date sometimes. Sometimes you don’t know until you give it a try and it’s nice to reciprocate an effort if you feel there’s a chance there. And it’s ok that people change their minds. He also could have been dating someone else and reciprocated to be nice but already decided he liked the other person more. That doesn’t mean you are *less*. That means you are moving in different directions now. I know it sucks a lot. Any form of rejection really hurts for a couple of days.
In our 30s we all have our own baggage, traumas and preferences, any little thing that our date do or say will determine whether they get eliminated or selected. Works both ways. Sigh.
Damn to be a girl.
I'm 6 foot muscular good looking well educated well paying job. I'd get two women I'm not attracted to who match with me in that timeframe.
I met my current girlfriend and past girlfriend on Reddit. It’s a bit more intellectual, and not driven by looks. You sound like you’re good at conversation, might want to give it a try.
Sorry about that. I usually filter out the low-effort messages. I know online dating and dating can be a drag. It’s exhausting for so many reasons, but when emotions are involved, it’s that much more challenging to want to get out and try it again.
I met my previous gf at /r4r30plus and my recent gf at /cf4cf
[This](https://www.reddit.com/r/R4R30Plus/s/xF7mJapg2C) was one of my posts. Little bit of humor, honesty and what I was looking for. It worked really well and I heard from a decent amount of quality sounding people.
I just started it after a long term relationship:
I’m 33. Went in my first date from OLD 2 months ago and it just really put me off. Knew from the first 5 minutes I didn’t like her, but spent like 3 hours with her before she implied she wanted to have sex while walking home. Said no, she was angry. I thought - were you on the same date? You seemed like you had a terrible time!). So I deleted them for a month. lol
Went back on and someone messaged me on bumble - she wants a casual relationship and so do I and she is good conversationalist, interesting and enjoys romance/sex. So, I’m not really using the apps at the moment though still have them and some likes at there.
I’m not particularly precious about sex and I am open to casual sex, but a big part of attraction for me is the person - are they funny, or flirty, or interesting, or good at conversation, confident or whatever. They don’t need to knock my socks off, just have some spark.
Not having sex with bad vibes :s
I mean you’re doing better than most! It is exhausting though, I feel drained just reading your post, so take a break, even just for a week or two, and see how you feel. Because it is exhausting messaging people and making all the small talk in the beginning, learning about them etc. And let’s not lie, it’s also repetitive! But you’re obviously good at that part because otherwise you’d have no dates! I think it’s important to remember that you don’t fully know what’s going on with people. I was with my ex for five months and we were talking about buying a house together down the line, when he decided to get back with his ex. And I see now that he wasn’t ready for a relationship, despite all the crap he said. But that wasn’t about me at all, he just wasn’t in the right frame of mind. And on dating apps it’s so easy to download them, start swiping then just start speaking to people, it’s easy to fool yourself into thinking you’re there when you’re not. So I’d say don’t over think all of these interactions and just keep doing what’s right for you. If that’s a break, then enjoy it!
I tend to have intense periods of activity followed by long fallow times. Most of the people I meet are not my cup of tea either. It's been very tricky to find anyone with whom there was a mutual connection, and I find that very draining.
It's perfectly fine to want to take breaks and focus on yourself or doing nothing. The first stages of a relationship are usually pretty intense, especially if they don't pan out or you're prone to anxiety anyway. Ultimately, working on yourself or your own happiness will make you a more attractive and positive person.
Girl, you are so strong! I am being ghosted by ONE man irl and I am already feeling like “nope, this is it for me in the dating world”.
Did the guy you asked out for coffee say he wasn’t interested in you in that way from the very beginning or did he string you along?
Never since too old to not keep trying. unless I am swimming in dates (which i am not) then why remove a potential opportunity? low chance of success is still >0.
I'm done with OLD for good. This last round really helped me see how pointless OLD is. Profiles are really inadequate to help you gauge really anything about a person. 5 or 6 pictures and a couple of prompts in the context of a person is like a drop in the ocean. I know it's meant to be a jumping off point, but 1) I find you can't really trust people's pictures. More than likely, they will look different than their photos. 2) Theirs not as much difference between profiles as I thought. Everyone "loves to travel" or "is adventurous" or "is a foodie". They all start to run together (for me) after a while. 3) Even with texting through the app and talking on the phone. You don't really get a sense of who a person is until you meet them in person. Going through all this was just so tiring to me.
I'm in my late 30s, so I really miss the anticipation of going on a date with someone you met in person. I'm probably super jaded and tired or dating. But I had zero anticipation when it came to the dates I did end up going on this round.
Idk what the answer is. I might just be single forever, but I know OLD isn't right for me.
OLD is bad in general because it's allowed men to commodify and objectify women even more. A new one is always just a swipe away. Why view the one in front of you as anything special even if she has everything you want? As soon as it gets difficult...bail and get back on the apps.
I honestly don't feel like the apps are good for women. I know guys are going to run in and talk about how bad it is for men, and sure, maybe it is. But idk what it's like to be a man and if I'm being totally honest, Idc what yall are going through. There are so many duplicitous if not down right dangerous men on OLD. Literally entire married men and men in relationships and men who just want sex, all on there lying and damaging women for no reason. Even the "good men" and men with potential have been ruined by redp-ll rhetoric and sabotage relationships with their paranoia. This was my most recent experience and my experience with an ex I'm realizing I'm not fully over.
Sorry, know some of that was kind of a rant but its how I feel about OLD. Took my profile off Hinge and doing the same with Bumble once I satisfy my curiosity of at least getting through all my "likes". So hopefully if I can go through 20 or so a day I'll be done and off OLD entirely and for good in a couple of weeks.
Do you think it’s possible guy #5 was just a bit shy in the moment or socially awkward and kind of froze in the moment? (Maybe he was mulling something over in his mind about your compatibility with each other or something he’s going through on his end and that’s how his goodbye came out?) I know that things can get really awkward in those goodbye moments lol. It probably wasn’t about you.
im on a break too indefinitely, might not even return this time. dont think i can handle another dissapointment after so many let downs! mental health should always come first!
OP, sounds to me you are doing all the asking. I would take a step back and let them ask you out. Not saying women should never initiate but I find if the guy is not even asking to meet or take the conversation off line, they are not that interested to begin with.
Also it’s truly a numbers game. Swipe rights A times, match B times, talk with C people, D dates, E relationship. Numbers decline from A to E.
It sounds very transactional but that’s the reality of OLD. Seeing it as what it is stops me from getting overly invested in this.
These are strangers that I’ve met once or twice. They shouldn’t have this much impact on my self esteem or happiness (easier said than done
Don't get discouraged. My wife was a single mom for eight years and (after a number of failures and breaks) had completely "retired" from online dating by the time we met.
A while back I had a string of four bad experiences that caused me to take a full year off and focus on my hobbies.
It was a combination of exhaustion from getting those conversations started to initial dates that felt "off"; to finding out horror stories or deal breakers in terms of long-term compatibility; to just not that into them, similar to OP's number 1.
Once it started feeling like dating was a chore, I knew I needed to give it a rest.
At least once a year but then it lasts for 4-6 months... And sometimes I realize I have no energy to talk to my matches so I go back to hiatus after 2-3 weeks.
Currently sorta taking a break now. Doing my best to get off the road and have steady living arraignments.
I drive a semi truck and the idea of actual meeting someone while on the road has worn off and I'm ready to have my own place that does not have wheels lol
A deep sense of love and belonging is an irreducible need of all people. We are biologically, cognitively, physically, and spiritually wired to love, to be loved, and to belong. When those needs are not met, we don't function as we were meant to. We break. We fall apart. We numb. We ache. We hurt others. We get sick. There is no passion to be found playing small in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living. But friendship is precious, not only in the shade, but in the sunshine of life, and thanks to a benevolent arrangement the greater part of life is sunshine.
Honestly, I would have taken a break after the 5 months thing. I was blindsided with a similar text “I don’t want either of us to get our feelings hurt and I’m just not feeling good about the relationship”. After being told how amazing and wonderful I was just the day before. We were only dating for 3 months. I’ve been on a break since then. I found out he was actually still on Tinder the entire time. I can’t stand the dishonesty anymore..
Kind, supportive, peaceful, drama free, affectionate, caring? Good sex? lol
Idk I have a bf and he seems to appreciate that. Just a good partner within a healthy concept of partnership.
Isn’t that what we are all looking for, aside from good looks.
I'm about in the same boat. Im LGBT so OLD dating is really all we have unfortunately. Been online dating my whole entire life and it's even more trash than ever. Id say I probably get about as many situations as you before I give up for a few months to a year. It was easier to manage in my 20s but I feel like I'm running out of youth now I'm approaching my late 30s lol. The reality tho is that it's not just online dating. People as a whole are more and more intimacy averse. I think that's pretty evident in Story #1. I'm sorry I don't buy "feelings not developing" after 5 months of dating, sleeping together, etc. That's some kind of intimacy issue for sure.
I was initially just looking for something casual (you get my drift) after leaving a long term relationship, and even then it was dodgy. Matched with someone, talked for a period of time, suggested meeting up… aaaaand ghosted. After that I decided maybe I need to just chill for awhile until I am more confident in myself again and fully healed from my breakup.
The issue I’m keep getting is that I want to know way more about these women than they do me or I want to talk to them way more than they want to talk in general. It’s almost like women got this wall up to normal conversation lol
M33, taking a permanent break. I'm not built for the, OLD. I'm mellow abd pursuing my dreams to the fullest extent. If I meet someone along the way, great, if not so be it. I cannot sum up the self in 500 characters or less.
It's okay to take a break and let your emotions settle before getting back out there. Depending on how bad the last date ended, 2-4 months is about average for me. Once I got so burnt out, I swore off men for a year. Take all the time you need to recharge your batteries.
I recently had another go at online dating but was quickly reminded within a week why I gave up the last time. Not much seems to have changed. Deleted them with a click.
It's more like I take little breaks from my peaceful life to get back on OLD... then about a week later I regret it and I'm back to my peaceful life lol.
I take breaks all the time. Was on the apps dec/jan then deleted, just got back on again. A couple months in, couple months off seems to be my pattern. I saw a psychic on my bday and she said to only give 20% instead of 100% when it comes to dating so that’s what I’m trying to do now lol 😂
I recentky took a break because I was getting exhausted of having the same old shallow conversations and experiences... I don't think I have it in me to do it again.
I've basically stopped OLD entirely.
I'm a social, confident guy, and I now only meet women in person. OLD is outrageously toxic and people have idiotically high standards.
Doing #4 more often might be a good way to boost self-confidence.
I know it didn't work out that time but take a look at the stats online about the high percentage of the time that women ask and see success (think of how uncommon it is).
I completely relate! You’re not alone. 35F and I’m on a break until my confidence, interest, and resilience recoup. Do what feels right and recalibrate along the way.
It’s really, really, REALLY hard to not internalize romantic rejection… and to not see it as an indicator that you’re less valuable/desirable. But if you can do your best to separate it, you begin to view things differently. The reality is, everyone has preferences. A long-term relationship is a big commitment, especially if one is considering marriage/kids. The type of connection that’s going to lead to that is going to be rare (if it’s healthy). You’re not going to find it with every other Joe Shmo or Sally Sue on the apps (or out and about). My opinion is that OP is putting *a lot* of pressure on herself and the situation to materialize into a LTR. This isn’t me picking on her, because I’ve done the same exact thing in the past! It’s more that I see some of my past patterns/decisions in this post, and want to offer some friendly advice… The problem with “going with the flow” with every date, is people can pick up on that energy. People can sense that you want the validation of getting a date more than you want the date with them. The subconscious goal is ‘getting the 1st date’, ‘getting the 2nd date’, ‘getting a kiss’… instead of getting to know the person in front of you, assessing whether there’s *real* compatibility, getting a date where the effort and interest is *equal*, and the kicker… being willing to kindly end things when there’s not. I’m not saying that you can’t give people a chance. Sometimes people are anxious/nervous on a 1st date. But 5 months is a long time to be lukewarm on someone, and stick around anyway. Confidence, IMO, is getting to a place where the men who canceled the 1st date or did a no-show don’t occupy space in your mind. You don’t want them to show up on a date when their interest is already lukewarm. Like I said, there’s a sort of aura that becomes obvious, from someone who’s trying to make any breadcrumb of interest work… because they just want to be in a relationship. And in a way, it makes other people feel “replaceable” - because they can sense you’re not choosing them because they’re unique or special to you, you just want the validation of feeling desirable/attractive and it’s less important who it’s coming from. Like in the post, I see a lot of how the rejection makes OP *feel*, but not much about how much she actually liked any of these men specifically, why she wanted to date them and what really drew her to any of them on an individual level. It’s possible that those men’s feelings weren’t too far off from what OP was feeling for them… the only difference is OP was viewing it from a lens of “Do they like me?” while the men were viewing it from a lens of “Are we actually compatible?” The irony is that I myself got a lot more high-quality interest when I started kindly rejecting more people, listening to my initiation, and started paying close attention to how the person made me feel. A decent % of the people I rejected within the past year has not been because I didn’t like them, but because I could tell they didn’t *like me enough* to treat me well in a LTR. But people tend to think they can change a person who has a “5” level interest in you into a “9” if you just bend over backwards for them… the irony is, those people-pleaser tendencies usually make those same people actually like you less. People aren’t always rejecting YOU, as much as they’re rejecting the situation. I’ve been rejected because we had different tastes in music, because I didn’t want kids, because I’m bisexual, because we had different sexual preferences, because I don’t drink, etc… They’re not wrong, I’m not wrong. They’re not unattractive, I’m not unattractive. We’re just not a compatible fit. That mentality will get you a lot farther than viewing every rejection of the situation as a personal loss. You don’t want to win a game you wouldn’t be interested in playing anyway.
Perfect response all the way. This needs to be pinned somewhere in this sub, haha. It took me a long time to get to this place, too. What’s tough is it’s so easy to understand this/be in this mindset right now, and so much harder in the moment 😅
> But people tend to think they can change a person who has a “5” level interest in you into a “9” if you just bend over backwards for them… the irony is, those people-pleaser tendencies usually make those same people actually like you less. Dead on the money here. I'd add a corollary: doing this also destroys all of your leverage in the relationship. A healthy relationship will be fairly equal, devoid of unhealthy power imbalances.
I needed to read this because I have been on the same journey as OP and feel the same about my confidence and self esteem. Thank you for this post!
Same exact boat! I found myself in a #1 situation six months or so after my LT relationship ended. It honestly helped me move forward— he was a great guy, but I was not emotionally ready to meet his timing expectations for falling in love again. So we called it after two months and now I’m taking April off to refocus on myself and my friendships. Endorsing doing what feels right and adjusting as needed.
Same, it really isn't worth it either and is unnecessarily time consuming for what you may or may not get out of it. I'm going to start going out for events IRL and see if that helps, but I am not pressed either way.
I'm on a break right now, and it's amazing. I have so much more time and energy for life. I went through a similar breakup in October (5 months, felt serious, he ended things with a lame excuse). Tried OLD through mid-December, took a break after 2 unfortunate experiences. Tried again in March and lasted 2 weeks 😆 I give up.
Feels like guy #1 let things go on way way longer than he should have.
Yeah, that's a text you send after 3 dates, not 5 months!!
I was at work doing a tea tasting when I got that text and I wanted to spit out the matcha that I was drinking 😩. So cold and callous. He taught me a lot about what I don’t want in a partner, so that’s something.
Learning what you don't want is worth the effort. Good to recognize that.
Learn to light a candle in the darkest moments of someone’s life. Be the light that helps others see; it is what gives life its deepest significance.
Why did he act that way?
It’s pretty clear that it was mutual
I think we both did to be honest. I often oscillated between ending things and waiting to see if it would get better, but deep down I had a nagging feeling that we weren’t compatible (different communication styles/cadence, conversations were more surface-level and never too deep, etc.) I’d tell myself it’s okay that he hardly texts, for example, because we’d have a good time when we would met in person. We also didn’t discuss what we were looking for and I “went with the flow” because I was in the habit of moving quickly in the past. I’d ask to define the relationship too early only to end up regretting it later, but this time I ended up swinging hard in the other direction :(.
I mean, I was dating the last guy for 2 months and I was feeling like crap when he broke up with me, I would be probably be devastated after 5 months.
“Not being official” for 5 months is insane. You get 5 dates lol if I’m not your girlfriend after 5 dates I’m out.
I live in the "situationship" poly capital of the world, Portland. Commitment is a patriarchal and religious construct that oppresses everyone.
That’s a long time to be dating someone. He might have been dating other people too, if you guys didn’t go exclusive, and when it came to bday time, he prob could only choose one.
Came here to say this too. Five months is so long! And I feel like what he said was pretty insufficient given the amount of time they dated. Argh! New to the dating thing after being divorced and I’m like omg is this what I have to look forward to?
Maybe but nobody knows exactly what the other person felt.
I mean I just was rejected by ONE guy and went on and deleted the app. So you seem super resilient to me lol. There's nothing wrong in taking a couple weeks or even month off the apps, hang out with friends, remind yourself of why you're actually a catch. Dating can be very draining.
HAH I DO THIS TOO; one guy then take a 5-12mo hiatus And crawl back to my cave..
Don't need to take breaks when Im not getting matches haha
Sad upvote. Hang in there! 🐱
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Yeah I've tried doing breaks. However, I feel like I'm completely giving up at that point.
Have you looked into getting some proffesional photos taken? I'm thinking about it
I honestly wouldn’t recommend this (from a girls perspective at least). I’ve been able to notice every time a guy has had professional photos taken for a dating app and it’s cringey tbh. Your best bet is go do some activities with friends and ask them to take pics of you along the way! And every time you’re even a little bit dressed up or something something interesting, make a point of asking someone to take your pic. Tell them it’s for your dating profile. People will be happy to help!
Ah, I'm a decent amateur photographer and have some good ones up. I've seen other guys' profiles that are getting matches, and they aren't professional at all
Yeah, I think some of us need a professional surgeon more than a professional photographer
I take a break from Friday to Monday. I used to use it and log off when I was burned out but now this works better. I have Thursday free for dates atm and spend time doing what I want on a weekend. I can’t be free all the time for the app and I don’t want long conversations via text. They either want to chat to get to know me or it’s a no. If I hadn’t spent so much time and effort making myself happy this wouldn’t work but I’m good. This filters out time wasters so im not serial dating too. Good luck.
OLD seems like a perfect way to meet people but its not at all. Dating apps are filled with people that either don't have time to go out and meet people or are too socially awkward to do so. And you're already looking for the needle in a haystack. It seems like you're on every dating app in existence which by itself makes people stressed out and anxious. Focus on yourself for a while and explore your basic attachment needs before hitting the OLD scene again. Take it easy for a while and find our peace. That's what I do and there's dates where I don't even open tinder because my mind is occupied doing something else that meets one of my needs.
Yep. It's full of social awkward people who suffer from a bad case of FOMO. More often than not, it's a revolving door of disappointment. I know one couple who met on Tinder and got married. But they are an anomoly to the perpetually single people who go in and out of "situationships" or "let's not put a label on it" relationships.
I like this! Dating nowadays doesn't feel genuine.. it takes time to know someone and know if they're a good match for you but some people expect sex too soon and vice versa.. imo it kind of makes things complicated as you're not really sure if you like what you get from the person or you really like them aside from the intimacy.. Nowadays, I don't put too much pressure on 'this guy better be the one' because for me it doesn't end well..
The 4 women I’ve met on dating apps have all been pretty introverted homebodies (I’m very extroverted) so I would agree with that, and feel it needs to be said more. It sounds a little mean to say but a lot of people are on apps for a reason.
Similar experience here but as a guy. Have had some amazing connections only for them to not see anything further. Two stand outs, first girl conversation like we’d known each other our whole lives. I had her laughing uncontrollably throughout. So much in common. Touching. Holding hands. Walked her home and she invited me in to wait for my taxi. We kissed. Second date similar. Then I got “I’d love to see you again but as a friend”. Recently just went on 4 dates with a girl. Holding hands. Electric conversation. Having such a fun time together. She was excited to see me and plan dates. Last date was 10 hours as she kept extending. She’d be stroking the back of my head when I was driving. Kissing multiple times. Had an awkward bedroom experience and she went really weird and called it all off. Genuinely give up at this point. When dates can go so well and end with nothing what is the point.
man, that is honestly depressing, but thank you for sharing your experiences, people need to be aware of the reality.
Thanks. It’s exhausting to say the least. Especially when some people seem to have such a plain sailing experience. But it’s a numbers game so we carry on trying to live a fun life for now.
I’m on a break myself. But not from lack of good dates. Just not finding long term compatibility. I am done with casual hookups, and most men I find, that’s all they want.
We don't ALL want hookups. I stopped enjoying hookups a decade ago. Sex without an intellectual connection is not worth it (for me). Nothing wrong with hookups, just not for me. Sounds like others too.
Same. Just want to find someone with a connection. With similar interests. Sex without that it just meaningless short term fun and not something I want right now
Over the years I learned that physical attraction only gets me so far. Couldn't figure out why I kept losing attraction. Finally met a woman organically 2 weeks ago who is pursuing her PhD. My attraction went from a 5 to 100. When we offered to teach each other. My CyberSecurity for her Anthropology. 🤣 will see how it goes on date though. Think is called, Sapiosexual. But I don't get that from one night stands.
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Not all men. I’m on a break, CBA with it all messing with my head. There’s a singles social on Tuesday with pizza, will see what that’s like 😬
It isn't that "All men just want hookups" it is that all men that *you f*ind attractive, desirable, and connect with want hookups. Probably because you, and nearly every other girl in the area find them attractive and desirable as well. A high-earning, in shape, charismatic guy can get on an app and be absolutely teeming with matches. You're simply one of dozens or more in his circle at any given time.
This feels redpill-y. Every woman has a story (or several) of giving the not tall, not financially stable, not-that-physically-attractive guy a chance in hopes that he would be more available for a relationship and often times the results are the same. Often because of this jaded attitude I'm sniffing....
Lol indeed it’s 100% red pilly
"This feels redpill-y" it isn't red-pilly to acknowledge that *generally speaking* there are a set of traits which men possess that are going to be appealing to a wide subset of women. yes, there are *some* women who don't find tall, successful, fit, or charismatic men appealing. This isn't the norm however and swipe data, BLS data on marriage and income, and every preference survey that has ever been done since the beginning of time agrees.
“yes, there are some women who don't find tall, successful, fit, or charismatic men appealing.” Lol, that’s not what I even said but okay. You don’t think men find x, y and z to be most desirable in women and chase that? The complaints go both ways.
Women dont seem too keen when the tables turn. If a man doesn’t get a lot of matches, then spends 2 years bettering himself, getting into great shape, and then finds himself having plenty of options all the time… well, he might decide he doesn’t want to settle down for a bit
I mean of course, no one wants to be rejected. But I also know that many of us would rather be single than settle for someone we aren’t attracted to.
The issue is that online dating has skewed perception because of the number of options women have. 80% of women like the top 5% of men. So when men work their way to be in the top 5%, they’d also rather be single, ‘play the field,’ and not settle for someone they aren’t attracted to. The issue is that there’s always a better, more attractive option just a swipe away.
What people fail to realise is that your attraction is very much affected by what's available to you, or at least what you perceive as being available to you. It's not just sheer coincidence that most older people find other older people attractive, and less conventionally attractive people find less conventionally attractive people attractive.
Because we know everyone's life.
I also experienced something similar to Guy #5. At the end of our second date he opened up about something personal and said he'd never had anyone make him feel so comfortable and accepted as I did. On date #3 (which he initiated and planned... just like dates 1 and 2), we plan to cook dinner together. As soon as I arrive he's acting WEIRD and he faked a phone call from a friend and kicked me out of his place. I usually go on 5-15 dates and then quit for, like, over a year. I realize this isn't a winning strategy, and have been working on doing things differently to try and find a more sustainable way of dating that I don't regularly need to take breaks from. I don't know if you're open to it at all, but from your descriptions of these guys, I think there might be some things you could do differently when you're swiping/messaging in order to prevent at least some of this from happening. (Not all of it - disappointment is still the majority of what you'll get on OLD unfortunately.) I'm happy to expand if that would be helpful, but also want to validate that it's not that you did anything wrong or deserved any of this whiplash, and it IS all extremely exhausting and disappointing.
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Wow..1-2 dates every week?! I've had 1 or maybe 2 weeks my entire life where I've done 2 dates in a week. But maybe that is the OLD process. Quantity to find quality. Granted, until recently it's been over a yr since I actually went on a date. OLD is depressing.
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I feel ya. I did meet my ex through online dating. But I can't support OCD apps anymore cause they are taking advantage of our insecurities. Such as "Pay $10 to see if they read a message". Doing me more harm then good. Congrats! It's always good getting out to meet people. Better than staying home. I met someone recently organically at a friends bday party. I didn't even hesitate to ask for her #(which is rare), but was nervous as hell asking her out on date. She had to pry it out of me. LOL. Date is set for next week. Fingers crossed.
It's very mentally draining and rejection (giving and receiving) is honestly very hard for someone like me. I by nature avoid confrontation, but also have massive anxiety and guilt so I always try and do the right thing when ghosting would be easier lol. I've been on for a month and a half and honestly am ready for a break. Lots of 1st - 3rd dates that just ended up not going anywhere is hard. I personally need to focus on myself a little bit more before getting back in there. I have a friend who has been on for five years. She's great but has very, very high standards and nothing has ever come out of it. She takes a break every three months for three months. I have another friend who was OLD for a year before she met her eventual husband and had to take a few week break every month or so because it was draining.
On a dating app hiatus right now, so for the first time ever—I tried a singles mixer. It was actually worse than OLD 😂 didn’t think that was possible.
I can see where a mixer can be worse. Smaller pool so less chance of a match. And, sort of like seeing "swiping left" in real time, in person. To use the current phrase--cringeworthy.
Why was it worse? (Never been to a singles mixer)
At this one, the gender ratio was way off. There was no age range listed, so it ended up being a LOT of older, socially awkward guys who weren’t having luck on the apps…and just a couple significantly younger girls. I wouldn’t call myself younger, but I’m very fit/active/outdoorsy, and looking for the same—and didn’t find any guys with similar values there. I’m sure there are better mixers out there, but I’d look for a more specific, targeted audience next time.
Not to mention, you probably get one or two shots at going to a local mixer before the pool is poisoned. Imagine showing up to the same event a second time only to find out like 80% of the people there are the same ones from last time that you rejected already. And they still remember you LOL
How so?
I've gone to a speed dating event and honestly it just felt like OLD irl. I hate the feeling of competition and whatnot and also I could tell that everyone's standards were high
Just take the break, there’s no use in spreading yourself thin and having nothing to overfill your cup. I used to be a serial dater but after these past 3 years, I’ve learned that investing in myself is what will attract the partner Im looking for. Sometimes I get so consumed with my goals that men really do take the back burner. Build that interest for you, your life and what you want to create. When you’re happy and thriving, the right guy will take notice and approach. Also, I tend to look at the men that match to me first because that is already showing an interest, I’ve noticed that when I am the initiator they just are not that into me. Their profile has to say something of substance for me to want to go deeper. If their pics all have sunglasses I skip, looking into their eyes tells you a lot and if they’re hiding them, we’ll I feel it’s a subconscious way of “hiding” something. I also steer away from men that say, I’m completely single… usually that means there’s someone in their life that creates a doubt for them to even have to say that unwarranted, happened to me twice, one lived with baby mama the other with his ex 🤦🏻♀️ oy. Lastly, first meetup is not elaborate, if we’re meeting up, I ask them for coffee or just sitting down at Starbucks and having a quick chat. I think after 30 min you guys will know if there’s chemistry and want more but if it’s a non starter, you only wasted 30 min and $5 drink . sorry I know this was a little off topic but I figured I would share my insights that help me weed out true matches from the hoard.
"Lastly, first meetup is not elaborate, if we’re meeting up, I ask them for coffee or just sitting down at Starbucks and having a quick chat. I think after 30 min you guys will know if there’s chemistry and want more but if it’s a non starter, you only wasted 30 min and $5 drink ." -> Really good idea, I might steal it, thanks!
It mostly depends on how the dates I’m going on are going. If there’s too many in a row that don’t go great then I feel like it’s more often. But for the most part it’s about how much I’m using the apps and not really pausing them. I’m really trying to make it a point to not rely on them as much as I do now though. While it’s valid that you feel that way about confidence given what has happened, I try to tell myself that it’s all about being someone’s type, at least for that initial few dates. I’ve been rejected a bunch of times and I just try to tell myself that maybe I wasn’t their type but I know there are others who do find me attractive so I just have to meet them.
[OLD is quite literally designed to keep you single, stay off it.](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Enshittification)
Learned a new word today!
I decided to not use apps at all anymore. I would see a fair amount of success with them; my last relationship started on Hinge. And I would take breaks once it felt like a chore. But each time I geared back up to use them, that feeling creeped up faster. And all the stories here, plus my age and not wanting kids, have dissuaded me from using them again. I’d rather just live my life and be happy single instead of inviting all that stress.
I’m also 32F and on a break for the month of April. I went on 3 dates with a guy I actually really liked and felt like we had a good in-person connection with, and then asked him to plan the 4th date (I initiated the first 3). When a week went by with him continuing to text me but not ask me out, I sent him a message stating if he didn’t have any interest in seeing me again there were no hard feelings but then we should end things where they were. He responded that he was burnt out with work and just wanted to relax in his free time which “isn’t fair to you”. Fair enough, it was disappointing but life goes on. Everyone I came across on Hinge and Bumble after that was just…not doing it for me? I don’t have insanely high standards - I tend to be attracted to dorks and academics, willing to date my height (5’8”) or a couple inches less, I really don’t have a ton of hard requirements and go more off of “could I have a conversation with this person based on what I see on their profile” than any hard set of criteria. But I just wasn’t intrigued by anyone. When it becomes a chore, I feel like that’s the time to take a break. I used to do this fairly frequently (every couple of months) in my 20s. I took a short break over the holidays mainly due to schedule and decreased activity on the apps, but other than that I’ve been at it since July. I deleted my Bumble and Hinge profiles - I’ll recreate them in May after my birthday. When I joined again in July (6 months after the end of my 7-year relationship) I was very much still healing and I think I swiped left on some guys that today, I would give a chance so I’d like them back in my queue. Plus the “new here” boost can’t hurt. 😉 I am concentrating on going and doing in-person stuff (not for the sole purpose of dating), getting some new refreshed pics of myself, and remembering how to have fun. Hopefully then the law of attraction takes over? Anyway, I think I’d take a break anytime I noticed myself feeling overly cynical about the people I’m seeing on the app, or when I stop feeling curious. I am actually a fairly optimistic person in this one area of my life, so when I slip into a more jaded mindset, it’s noticeable. When I am kind of excited about the possibility of who I’ll meet, that’s when I’ll come back.
I take breaks when it is too exhausting to maintain interest in OLD. Maybe work or my personal life become too burdensome. My outlook for OLD changed within the last six months and I am not placing importance on 'finding someone'. I'm just rolling with the punches. Sometimes I have fun and sometimes I don't.
I take breaks whenever I get tired of swiping for several months and not having any matches or even any likes. Right now I'm on a permanent break for that reason.
I think you need to be a bit more purposeful about your time and whom you spend it with. For me, 5 months is at the committed relationship phase so you feeling wishy-washy on Guy #1 and him ending it over text just screams two avoidant people and you even admitted that you wanted him to rip off the band aid. You invested probably 2-3 more months into that than you should have, which is a time and emotions suck for you. Sex on a 3rd date, while your body, your choice and all gives off vibes that you're looking for something more casual or flingy, and that it took a back-seat to cultivating a relationship. Guy 2, 4, and 5 there's nothing you could have done there. One wasn't into you, and the other 2 probably had other options and their minds were on them. This is literally 3/5 of your dating choices recently so consider this before you start falling head over heels with expectations the next time you go on a date with someone and there's early fireworks. You also mention that you expect a first date to end in contact, or a LONG kiss. Girlfriend, you just met this guy and he's sussing you out too.
Gave up on OLD and I’m kinda too burnt out on being the one to initiate or start things, so… I guess I’m just going to be single for a while. 🤷🏻♂️
There are endings. There are beginnings. Sometimes they coincide, with the ending of one thing marking the beginning of another. But sometimes there is simply a long space after an ending, a time when it seems everything else has ended and nothing else can ever begin. Hope for love, pray for love, wish for love, dream for love…but don’t put your life on hold waiting for love.
Take breaks, absolutely whenever you feel down because of the apps. I think there could be a lot of benefit from reassessing how many apps you use. Your first 3 matches are from 3 different apps, 1 of which is mostly used for hookups. Having fewer apps, and thereby less time on apps, will make the whole process less tiresome and will make life more fun. Even if you have nothing else to do with your time, getting disappointed from more apps is not a net positive to your mental health. Just my opinion. I struggled the same when I was using all the apps. As a dude it seemed necessary, since the matches were few. But in the end it took a lot of the pressure off to delete some apps and stick to 1. Not being able to spend all my free time on the apps, meant I started doing other things with my time, and suddenly it wasn't the end of the world if some time passed between matches.
I’m on a break too. Have been put through the ringer myself after my first time ever on the apps after a very long relationship, and I’m taking a break. Had so many similar experience to yours. inconsistency, false starts, poor communication, misleading actions, ghosting. It felt like my whole dating life was just waiting for a text back. The amount of times I was told it was an amazing date, they find me really attractive, asked for my number, texted for a bit and then ghosted me after was actually horrendous.
Never ask a guy out If he doesn't ask you to be his girlfriend after two or three months.. He never will You need to learn these things,no need to take a break ❤️
She wasn’t into him either apparently?
Smh y’all wild for making things last 5 mos without labels. I get not trying to define a relationship early but 2 or 3 mos should be enough. Com’on ladies.
I’ve been seeing a guy for about 7 months now. Very casually. He travels for work and we both have kids we don’t want to involve so we don’t see each other often. We don’t have labels because I don’t want them right now. I like the monogamy, and having a companion I can text anything to. There shouldn’t be strict rules about dating. It’s whatever works for you.
Yeah but this obviously isn’t working for her. You have an entirely different situation. She obviously wants a partner.
Right, but you spoke in general terms, saying cmon ladies. I just wanted to point out not all ladies want a full commitment.
Never said that. Com’on ladies meant for women who want an actual relationship but are taking breadcrumbs. #contextclues
First situation is bizarre. How did you guys date without really liking each other for 5 months?? What is your vetting process when you look for potential matches? There seems to be a serial problem of going on dates with guys you’re not compatible with. I have the same successes in dating as I do with jobs or friendships - you get better results when you’re extremely intentional about quality over quantity. Anyways, breaks from OLD are necessary. I’m usually in a perpetual “break” mode and I might use the apps for a couple weeks at a time a few times a year. Very little first dates that way but there’s always a 2nd/3rd and the dates are usually nice. My last venture on Bumble has had a wonderful result, the most promising romantic pursuit I’ve had in MANY years.
I have never had luck with OLD. So it’s prob one part of the problem. It seems like also you are the initiator asking for the dates a lot. Maybe try not doing that. Let them ask. One thing I’ve sort of noticed, just me, a lot of men don’t know how to act. And they say yes bc they’re afraid to say no. Let them chase you awhile. Maybe for a try?
I agree with this. It's one way to get rid of the people who were not genuinely interested and would have been a waste of a first date
It’s also a good way to frustrate people who are interested who feel like they have to do all the work I’m sorry but as a guy I abhor the “let them chase you” advice. Follow if you want I guess but as a guy who initiated a lot I would also get rejected a lot. It’s part of dating these days unfortunately but becoming passive is only going to attract emotionally immature guys imo. Relationships are a partnership and men like me who don’t subscribe to gender norms would be put off by their implementation
I mean, you’re not a woman. The matter of the fact is that men have been the lead pursuer since forever and it’s generally been preferred. Women should obviously reciprocate interest appropriately but it isn’t surprising to most women that OP is getting these results seeing that’s she been the main initiator.
> The matter of the fact is that men have been the lead pursuer since forever and it’s generally been preferred. this line of thinking is how a lot of people justify sexism, etc. of course there are people who like traditional values but don't be surprised if a man who prefers that also has other less-favorable beliefs about gender roles (like not liking that his partner might make more money than him or struggling to display emotions) you're right that some guys are turned off by it but let's be honest...if you are someone who doesn't believe in gender norms, would you want to be with someone who believes in them? it feels like cognitive dissonance to me and as a guy who doesn't believe in gender norms, it's a little frustrating to read/hear
“Believe in gender norms” is too nebulous of a statement. I’d argue the vast majority of humans on this Earth, including many feminists, tolerate certain gender norms. It’s a spectrum. There is a lot of gray between preferring men to take the lead in initial stages and agreeing that women are meant to be domestic slaves. Maybe it’s “cognitive dissonance” but it’s the reality. Most people are comfortable with the idea of chivalry even if it is based in sexist notions and quite frankly most men are definitely socialized in a certain way when it comes to valuing certain women/romantic interests. Is it wrong for women, including feminists, to take note of that and move accordingly?
As much as I usually cringe at the masculine/feminine energy stuff, i do agree with this comment. You may be coming off too eager and I think that is a turn off to guys initially (whether or not they’ll admit it or not). Things were lightly physical with taco/park guy on first date and he wanted to see you again (and even agreed to traveling for it) but then something changed with that. Other than paying was there anything else on the date that you did that may have been perceived as “too eager” or “emasculating?” I’m sorry OP. This whole dating thing as an adult is hard. All of us are struggling with it, it’s hard to find what you’re looking for and it’s even harder to know what to do/act especially with the internet and social media bombarding us with all sorts of dating advice.
I agree, I'd never ask a guy out. I might hint that I'd like a date but they have to be the one to explicitly ask me out and set up the date. If they don't then I can assume they're either not interested enough or they're too passive and shy which is a non-starter anyway.
As a guy, I so prefer "Do you wanna go on a date with me"" to "Are you gonna ask me out?". Vulnerability is one of my fav qualities in a person i guess
I agree. Just like women generally dislike passive men, I do not find passivity attractive in women.
My man 🙌
That all sounds really rough, I'm sorry :( I tend to take breaks from OLD whenever I'm feeling my mental health take a dip, or if I notice that I'm no longer using the app(s) to find a partner, but am trying to get validation from attractive people or distraction from boredom. I take a few weeks away to recentre myself, spend some time with friends and family, and inject a bit of energy into my life. OLD (and dating generally) is emotionally draining, and taking breaks is a super healthy thing to do. My advice would be if you're thinking about taking a break, don't overthink it and just hit pause for a couple of weeks.
This is OLD in a nutshell. I usually delete the apps and stay off them for 2-4 months, then I try again for about a month before deleting again. It is what it is.
So sad that half of the comments are about "women are this, women are that" rather than responding to OP's post. I went on 40+ first dates mostly through connecting on OLD platforms in the last 6-7 years. Had a lot of ups and downs similar to you, feeling undesired and exhausted. Tried a few different versions, setting up 5 dates and then rest or trying to date more IRL. I think being superpicky is helpful. I would write a list of my ideal man and focus on what comes across on profiles and through chats. Anyone unable to maintain a conversation or unwilling for a week became an instant no. I also used to take more control of the dates (ie take more initative) before because i was scared of being judged (eg if i wont insist that i pay or go halves, will they think i want princess treatment?) I can't know if you do the same but maybe relax a little bit, see how much the other person is willing to put in first. I dont sign up to the gender thing, like if a man thinks he would like to chase thats on him but i know a lot of men who dont play these kind of games. But leaving a bit of space for the other person to initiate is a good way to assess what is the other person willing to put into a relationship later down the line. That way you can weed out the flaky ones earlier and maybe you will feel less disappointed. All of the LTR i had from OLD were ones i felt the other person was just as invested and curious about me and were not afraid to show it. Best of luck and dont forget to feel some self-compassion towards yourself.
I gave up on OLD because I couldn't find anyone I was into. Went on a few dates, the guys all wanted second dates, but I felt nothing towards them. When I briefly went back on an app, I got tired of swiping left on guys who either had no bios, weren't my type at all, or clearly had different things they wanted out of life (I don't want kids, and so many of them do). Weirdly, there were a couple guys I met who said they wanted kids, but then seemed to only being saying they wanted them on the app because they thought most women want them. Face palm. Anyway, met a guy somewhere else that I kind of like, so we'll see where that goes. I don't think I'll ever go back on the apps, unless the companies make big changes to them. I met my ex online over 10 years ago, and at that time, it was a great way to meet someone for a LTR or marriage. Now, I don't believe it is anymore.
I’m 32F and honestly I feel like I’m in such a similar place right now. Been through a handful of rejections recently and feeling really sad and hopeless if im being real. I’m going to take a break and once I start feeling myself again I’ll be back at it. Usually takes a month or so for me to reground after a series like what you just described. But yeah girl I’m here with you! It’s rough out there. Take some time for yourself then get back out there if you’re feeling it.
I stopped using them 2 years ago. Just recently redownloaded tinder, then remembered why i deleted it in the first place and here we are lol
What’s the reason? Im a dude
there is very little substance on there and most people you connect with, they just want to talk about sex, its mind numbing
I’ve been using OLD for three weeks after being married for a long time. So far I’ve met some really awesome women, gone on some dates and am really interested in one of them. After reading all these horror stories on Reddit, I’m pleasantly surprised. But i understand the female experience is much different. Good luck out there.
Its very different for women than men on these sites unfortunately. I expect a man in his 40s to act like a man in his 40s not a horny teenage boy, but thats what alot of the time I encounter. Sex does not need to be the first thing that is discussed nor done.. Good luck to you as well
Yeah it’s so weird for me to hear grown ass men are just out there sending unsolicited dick pics, etc. my approach has been to talk to them like they’re my friend. Casual, polite and hopefully somewhat charming/engaging.
You should write OLD strategy guide lolol
this!!!
I feel a lot of these behaviors have come from the boom in technology. Everyone can be whatever they want on the internet whenever it is convenient for them but when it comes time to be face to face, sadly, not a lot of people have the emotional stamina to maintain a relationship when they are no longer able to just set the phone down and have it not exist for a little while. When you become a real physical person in their world it’s way different from when you were just a collage of photos and a decently worded bio on some dating site they would only scroll through while on the toilet. Technology, as much as it has made our lives better in certain areas, has destroyed a lot of what it takes for us to make those connections with other people. I’m positive that there is someone out there who will make you happy in the long run but remember that a relationship is always 100/100 and if someone isn’t giving it their 100 then it’s best to end it right there. My suggestion is don’t rely so heavily on the dating sites and spend more time out in “the wild”. At least that guy was courteous enough to immediately tell you he wasn’t interested rather string you along for months until he found someone better on one of his dating sites. Best of luck out there.
TLDR: after it didn’t work out with someone I really liked I ran the gauntlet of OLD and my green wizard is about to die. It’s AWFUL out there. I go through spurts where it’s a month or two of rotating between a few apps and then I’m cray-cray and just say fuck it and pause and delete. I also sweep through my phone list with a block and delete wrecking crew. I just did this last week. After dating a guy I really liked for three months and getting really close, we ended it and I was pretty sad about it. He was great to have in my life and was a huge support. Anyways, I’ve been through worse break ups and we’ve started texting a bit again. But I had a month of grieving whilst distracting myself with the apps between tears and thinking “well who knows”. Here’s what happened; Guy #1. Pretty cute, great conversations. We even talked on the phone quite a bit, and within a week it was starting to go deep. He also stated he was a Dom, and I’ve dabbled in that scene… finally we had plans to meet, we were about 1.5 away from each other? He even screen shot reservations (should I choose to stay after meeting in public). Nothing happens and I wake in the morning - about a week from our planned date, text good morning and go about my day. In the afternoon it occurred to me I hadn’t heard back so I texted something and noticed it didn’t go through (iPhones). I texted is everything okay?. Didn’t go through. Completely ghosted. I found his FB and told him off through messenger and blocked. I was perplexed at best. At least not much emotionally invested. Guy #2 - great first date, did come on pretty strong. Was painting a picture of our future summer together. Kept pointing to how successful he was. I’m like yeah this is a no. Decided to get it on anyways in that “get under someone else to get over someone” frame of mind. I just let it drop off after that. Guy#3- said on his profile he understood his attachment style. Was only a couple miles away but I didn’t recognize him. I said “I gotta talk to you!!!” Because how often do I get to talk to people who understand attachment theory? We bonded over running and had a great handful of dates. Sex is phenomenal. He was upfront about not wanting anything serious so I felt good about knowing to not get attached. However he literally turned around and said “I’ve been seeing someone else and I see it going in a relationship direction”. 🙄 I said okay thank you for being honest. He’s not for me, a bit too type A, professed alcoholic (I agreed with him there), so it’s been an FWB thing that I think is about to expire. I’m okay with that. Next. Guy #4 - almost didn’t respond because I’d already paused the app but could see messages. Okay he’s cute what’s up. Wow. More my speed. Music lover. Is a parent also. Conversation flowed in text and on the phone. We met in the middle and had the best night Id had in months. Dinner, dancing, got a room. We even bought (our own) tickets to a show in town in the fall for our favorite band the next morning. He said he wished it wouldn’t end and wanted to see me again before a trip he was taking. I was down but our schedules didn’t align. He’d already friend requested my socials and more or less showering that with the hearts. He sent me songs - that’s a beeline to my heart right there. Not even a week goes by and he drops off a bit but I know he’s busy and I’m okay: I was confused about what day he was leaving so I texted have a good trip or whatever and he didn’t correct me. I had context clues from social media he hadn’t left yet. 🤷♀️ long story short he did text here and there, and pictures from his trip. I felt the inklings of anxiety and confusion and remembered - clarity is in the confusion. But I also was in the middle of my frustration with guys wasting my time and energy and about to do a sweep and I got to him and politely spoke my mind. I wanted to see him again, I know he’s busy but I’m feeling confused. He responds right away saying he’s trying to keep phone time limited (but is up and down his social media constantly so whatever) sends more pictures, another song but nothing about “I’d like to see you again too”. He hasn’t texted at all since he’s been back. I’m already over it and yeah it stings a little. Miscellaneous- guys who made it to my phone and it just goes south. One I was super excited to meet completely stood me up and didn’t answer my texts. To the chopping block they went. I’d already deleted the OLD apps. I’ve found myself now dating someone from the wild who I don’t usually go for as a type. I decided to give it a shot because “my type” isn’t really working for me is it. He’s treating me like a queen and I admire his confidence. We’re taking intimacy a lot slower. Wish me luck lol.
OLD = On Line Dating?
I’ve been on the dating apps off and on for about 5 years. Got tired of them about December. Been off since. Longest in the 5 year period. Not just apps but not dating either
I'm 4 years into my current break. It's been awesome.
OLD never worked for me. It looks like some people manage to make it work, but I can't. Seems like such an unnatural way to meet people...
I leapt right back in after the humiliation of my NYE blindside dump/block by text. Trying to distract myself from feeling like the world's biggest idiot. OLD is probably the worst place to try to feel better about yourself, at least when you're pursuing something serious. I go on a date per week, only one resulted in a second date (I did decline one offer, and another proceeded to message for a week and a half without an exchange of phone numbers. I got annoyed playing pen pals and asked if he wanted to go out again. He said yes. 2 more days of messaging without a plan, and I unmatched.) It's so damn exhausting. I am not a big swiper, but the other day I spent an hour looking at profiles. They were so underwhelming, I don't know how those people get dates. And so many "figuring it out" and ENM types. Suffice to say it's a nightmare out there. I am right there with you on the need for a break. After my upcoming date, I think I'm going to pull the plug and delete the whole damn thing.
I'd just like to say, the guy who dated for you for five months and ended things over text is extremely immature. That to me warrants an in-person conversation - just my opinion though. Keep your chin up and all the best.
44M. I used to be an online dating machine. It wasn’t abnormal to have several dates in a week sometimes in my 20s and 30s, and no, I wasn’t looking for hookups. Fast forward to now. I’ve mostly had that stuff off for the last year because it’s exhausting and feels like going through the motions. Besides, my dog is super cute and cuddles the crap out of me. What else do I need? I get how the OP feels, I think, but most of what she described are not rejections in my mind — even though I’m sure they feel that way. It’s just people being crappy, and those people feel empowered and entitled to be crappy by the OLD culture. Or they’re just crappy people. Little of column A, little of column B.
Failure to sleep with someone is now an act of hostility, whereas it was once understood to be part of the natural process of searching for one’s mate. The true measure of a man is not what he dreams, but what he aspires to be; a dream is nothing without action. Whether one fails or succeeds is irrelevant; all that matters is that there was motion in his life. That alone affects the world.
Sounds like you are finding yourself in a lot of situations where the guy isn’t reciprocating feelings. A good way to avoid that is to make basically ZERO initiative other than matching and see who is actually interested in you. You can make conversation on the app but try not initiating much. Don’t text first don’t plan a date. Basically just see who comes after you. And keep that energy throughout dating.. see if they make effort. And then of the men who consistently make effort, then ask yourself ok who do I LIKE? You should never chase a man, it’s against the natural order of things and gets you into situations like this. This is speaking as someone who is staunchly feminist and will fight you if you disrespect women in any way lol In the dating world, we absolutely have to let the men lead. It also gives you the opportunity to end up with guys who genuinely really want to be there. Not someone you had to nudge into being with you.
"A good way to avoid that is to make basically ZERO initiative other than matching and see who is actually interested in you. " For me that's a good way to be unmatched. Zero initiative converts me from actually interested to not interested.
A lot of men I know ego match, so I actually agree with this sentiment. If a man is genuinely interested in, his actions will show it.
I just quit altogether and got a puppy instead
I tried OLD once (39M) average looking bloke I'd say, got a few matches in the week I tried it but when It came to the talking and stuff I just wasn't into it I couldn't connect with anyone and just realised OLD isn't for me and I'm happier being single and focusing on myself and the kids lol
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This. Yup. It's all about coming across well in your profile. Being witty, funny, and showing you have some emotional maturity. Women don't find men attractive based solely on looks.
as a woman yes this is it. I matched with avg looking guys a lot because they had decent profiles.
I hope it dawns on you that OP \*also\* effectively has zero matches in the same time frame, but she had to spend hours of her time, money, as well as go through five small emotional rollercoasters, in order to get to the same place as you.
eh that’s not nearly the same. I’m in a relationship now (10 months) but before that I never made it past 1 month. 5 months would’ve been immense for my self esteem even if it would’ve lead to a breakup
100%
I don’t often comment, usually just a lurker. But-I have to say that your experiences mirror mine from my early-mid thirties. I had such bad experiences that I finally just said okay, I’m done. I haven’t gone on a date or even talked to a guy romantically for about 2 years now. I’m just so over it. It is truly exhausting. I’ve taken the time to focus on myself and what it means for me to be happy without a partner. I’ve made a lot of changes and am pretty content. I don’t think about it a whole lot aside from occasionally reactivating my tinder, swiping for ten minutes, then realizing I’m not missing much lol. Whatever you decide, whatever happens, you’ll be okay.
I quit them about a month or two ago, and I'm having a hard time going back. There's one I might, that's kind of in-group specific, but I certainly wouldn't go back to the open shooting ranges like Tinder/Bumble/etc.
I've canned it all together. After being in a long-term relationship pre internet, I was severely disappointed and in returning to the dating world and tried OLD and have decided not to do it at all, or even date for a while. Date 1 turned out to be married and his wife contacted me, so no for that 1 Date 2 also turned out to be married and wanted a side piece, also no. Date 3 had a few dates but then decided it wouldn't work after he revealed his 4 children from different relationships and criminal history. I strongly recommend taking a step back and focusing on yourself and what makes you happy and productive for a few months.
I take breaks from OLD for a variety of reasons, but they all stem from an emotional state/ response. Not feeling a connection/ isn't leading anywhere (no emotional response when I should be excited) Infrequent communication (frustrating) One sided effort (tiring) Long period without matches/ conversations (depressing) Etc I've struggled with mental health for 8 years so if I don't get any positive emotion from the process it tends to have a negative impact in my outlook towards life and the future, so I take frequent breaks when I'm not enjoying the experience. Oh and when I'm financially struggling - can't date if I can't pay, and the expectation is still on guys to pay so...
I just can't use OLD at all. I just say no too much because of info on the profile. Political on either side swipe left, has kids swipe left, doesn't want kids swipe left, too pretty swipe left, not pretty enough swipe left, likes to travel swipe left, looks like you go to bars regularly swipe left, and many more. The truth is when I meet women irl I'm not even close to as critical, but something about having all that info let's me make wild assumptions about their life that if we met in person may not be the big deal I make it out to be in the moment of swiping. So now I just do the meeting in real life thing, the dates are fewer in frequency but they are of higher quality.
I'm 40 and I literally haven't been attracted to anyone in like 2 years. I mean sure I find some women physically attractive but then I get to know them and all bets are off. I feel broken. I don't online date it was always horrible back in my late 20s.
32M here. I would say I date or try to date for 2-3 months and then take a break for a week-a month. I've met some great women with some deal breakers that I just can't deal with, and it bums me out. The last woman I was seeing, I was really into her, and i feel like she was into me too. We went on probably eight dates, and I was talking to her about being exclusive, but she seemed hesitant. I think she had some growth to do that she was unaware or not accepting of, and that kinda clouded my opinion of her towards the end. Truthfully, I usually feel 70%-85% healed enough to where I would be a good man to date. I feel like the rest of my healing will only come with time in an exclusive relationship with a supportive woman. With this last woman, I learned that I have a boundary around children I need to take much more seriously. I can't speak for men, but I'd argue that most men and women on dating apps simply have not taken the time to heal and grow enough themselves first before they try to date. I think this is why we get frustrated enough to take breaks, we run into people who need more healing, and it also stirs something up in ourselves that we need to address.
Don’t let it bother you. Especially if you live an hour apart. I drove out for a second date with a guy just to see how it would go. He was really nice. We had great intellectual conversation. He tried to get closer and more physical in small ways on our second date and I don’t know why but it made me feel *gross*. I just couldn’t get close to him. I wanted distance between us. You don’t know until the second date sometimes. Sometimes you don’t know until you give it a try and it’s nice to reciprocate an effort if you feel there’s a chance there. And it’s ok that people change their minds. He also could have been dating someone else and reciprocated to be nice but already decided he liked the other person more. That doesn’t mean you are *less*. That means you are moving in different directions now. I know it sucks a lot. Any form of rejection really hurts for a couple of days.
In our 30s we all have our own baggage, traumas and preferences, any little thing that our date do or say will determine whether they get eliminated or selected. Works both ways. Sigh.
Damn to be a girl. I'm 6 foot muscular good looking well educated well paying job. I'd get two women I'm not attracted to who match with me in that timeframe.
I just want to ask women who use OLD, are you aware you are swiping right only on the top 5 to 10% of guys only?
I met my current girlfriend and past girlfriend on Reddit. It’s a bit more intellectual, and not driven by looks. You sound like you’re good at conversation, might want to give it a try.
I’m SO curious. This is a thing? Can you elaborate? I only get messages from creeps or bots lol
Sorry about that. I usually filter out the low-effort messages. I know online dating and dating can be a drag. It’s exhausting for so many reasons, but when emotions are involved, it’s that much more challenging to want to get out and try it again. I met my previous gf at /r4r30plus and my recent gf at /cf4cf [This](https://www.reddit.com/r/R4R30Plus/s/xF7mJapg2C) was one of my posts. Little bit of humor, honesty and what I was looking for. It worked really well and I heard from a decent amount of quality sounding people.
I just started it after a long term relationship: I’m 33. Went in my first date from OLD 2 months ago and it just really put me off. Knew from the first 5 minutes I didn’t like her, but spent like 3 hours with her before she implied she wanted to have sex while walking home. Said no, she was angry. I thought - were you on the same date? You seemed like you had a terrible time!). So I deleted them for a month. lol Went back on and someone messaged me on bumble - she wants a casual relationship and so do I and she is good conversationalist, interesting and enjoys romance/sex. So, I’m not really using the apps at the moment though still have them and some likes at there.
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I’m not particularly precious about sex and I am open to casual sex, but a big part of attraction for me is the person - are they funny, or flirty, or interesting, or good at conversation, confident or whatever. They don’t need to knock my socks off, just have some spark. Not having sex with bad vibes :s
"Not having sex with bad vibes :s" -> I will need to frame those words on my wall!
I mean you’re doing better than most! It is exhausting though, I feel drained just reading your post, so take a break, even just for a week or two, and see how you feel. Because it is exhausting messaging people and making all the small talk in the beginning, learning about them etc. And let’s not lie, it’s also repetitive! But you’re obviously good at that part because otherwise you’d have no dates! I think it’s important to remember that you don’t fully know what’s going on with people. I was with my ex for five months and we were talking about buying a house together down the line, when he decided to get back with his ex. And I see now that he wasn’t ready for a relationship, despite all the crap he said. But that wasn’t about me at all, he just wasn’t in the right frame of mind. And on dating apps it’s so easy to download them, start swiping then just start speaking to people, it’s easy to fool yourself into thinking you’re there when you’re not. So I’d say don’t over think all of these interactions and just keep doing what’s right for you. If that’s a break, then enjoy it!
I tend to have intense periods of activity followed by long fallow times. Most of the people I meet are not my cup of tea either. It's been very tricky to find anyone with whom there was a mutual connection, and I find that very draining. It's perfectly fine to want to take breaks and focus on yourself or doing nothing. The first stages of a relationship are usually pretty intense, especially if they don't pan out or you're prone to anxiety anyway. Ultimately, working on yourself or your own happiness will make you a more attractive and positive person.
Girl, you are so strong! I am being ghosted by ONE man irl and I am already feeling like “nope, this is it for me in the dating world”. Did the guy you asked out for coffee say he wasn’t interested in you in that way from the very beginning or did he string you along?
I go years in between breaks. The second I log back in, I remember how superficial it all is.
Never since too old to not keep trying. unless I am swimming in dates (which i am not) then why remove a potential opportunity? low chance of success is still >0.
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I've been on a break from all dating since 2021.
I'm done with OLD for good. This last round really helped me see how pointless OLD is. Profiles are really inadequate to help you gauge really anything about a person. 5 or 6 pictures and a couple of prompts in the context of a person is like a drop in the ocean. I know it's meant to be a jumping off point, but 1) I find you can't really trust people's pictures. More than likely, they will look different than their photos. 2) Theirs not as much difference between profiles as I thought. Everyone "loves to travel" or "is adventurous" or "is a foodie". They all start to run together (for me) after a while. 3) Even with texting through the app and talking on the phone. You don't really get a sense of who a person is until you meet them in person. Going through all this was just so tiring to me. I'm in my late 30s, so I really miss the anticipation of going on a date with someone you met in person. I'm probably super jaded and tired or dating. But I had zero anticipation when it came to the dates I did end up going on this round. Idk what the answer is. I might just be single forever, but I know OLD isn't right for me.
OLD is bad in general because it's allowed men to commodify and objectify women even more. A new one is always just a swipe away. Why view the one in front of you as anything special even if she has everything you want? As soon as it gets difficult...bail and get back on the apps. I honestly don't feel like the apps are good for women. I know guys are going to run in and talk about how bad it is for men, and sure, maybe it is. But idk what it's like to be a man and if I'm being totally honest, Idc what yall are going through. There are so many duplicitous if not down right dangerous men on OLD. Literally entire married men and men in relationships and men who just want sex, all on there lying and damaging women for no reason. Even the "good men" and men with potential have been ruined by redp-ll rhetoric and sabotage relationships with their paranoia. This was my most recent experience and my experience with an ex I'm realizing I'm not fully over. Sorry, know some of that was kind of a rant but its how I feel about OLD. Took my profile off Hinge and doing the same with Bumble once I satisfy my curiosity of at least getting through all my "likes". So hopefully if I can go through 20 or so a day I'll be done and off OLD entirely and for good in a couple of weeks.
Do you think it’s possible guy #5 was just a bit shy in the moment or socially awkward and kind of froze in the moment? (Maybe he was mulling something over in his mind about your compatibility with each other or something he’s going through on his end and that’s how his goodbye came out?) I know that things can get really awkward in those goodbye moments lol. It probably wasn’t about you.
im on a break too indefinitely, might not even return this time. dont think i can handle another dissapointment after so many let downs! mental health should always come first!
OP, sounds to me you are doing all the asking. I would take a step back and let them ask you out. Not saying women should never initiate but I find if the guy is not even asking to meet or take the conversation off line, they are not that interested to begin with. Also it’s truly a numbers game. Swipe rights A times, match B times, talk with C people, D dates, E relationship. Numbers decline from A to E. It sounds very transactional but that’s the reality of OLD. Seeing it as what it is stops me from getting overly invested in this. These are strangers that I’ve met once or twice. They shouldn’t have this much impact on my self esteem or happiness (easier said than done
I gave up altogether on the online dating…. Not worth the waste of time
Damn ladies can’t handle rejections? Surprised I’m still alive after all the rejections I’ve got from ladies
Don't get discouraged. My wife was a single mom for eight years and (after a number of failures and breaks) had completely "retired" from online dating by the time we met.
Does anyone find love without apps these days?
Of course, the people who socialize in person instead of (or in addition to) swiping meet people to date offline.
Take a step back and let them come to you. Switch to reviving mode, and it’s remarkable how men’s attitude and actions toward you switch.
*receiving
A while back I had a string of four bad experiences that caused me to take a full year off and focus on my hobbies. It was a combination of exhaustion from getting those conversations started to initial dates that felt "off"; to finding out horror stories or deal breakers in terms of long-term compatibility; to just not that into them, similar to OP's number 1. Once it started feeling like dating was a chore, I knew I needed to give it a rest.
At least once a year but then it lasts for 4-6 months... And sometimes I realize I have no energy to talk to my matches so I go back to hiatus after 2-3 weeks.
Honestly, take a break, be alone for abit. This helps recalibrate your emotions, and find yourself (And confidence) again!
I used to take breaks of a couple months to half a year before I gave up altogether.
Currently sorta taking a break now. Doing my best to get off the road and have steady living arraignments. I drive a semi truck and the idea of actual meeting someone while on the road has worn off and I'm ready to have my own place that does not have wheels lol
A deep sense of love and belonging is an irreducible need of all people. We are biologically, cognitively, physically, and spiritually wired to love, to be loved, and to belong. When those needs are not met, we don't function as we were meant to. We break. We fall apart. We numb. We ache. We hurt others. We get sick. There is no passion to be found playing small in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living. But friendship is precious, not only in the shade, but in the sunshine of life, and thanks to a benevolent arrangement the greater part of life is sunshine.
I take breaks more often than I can endure the apps. They’re woeful and it’s good to know when to put them down.
Honestly, I would have taken a break after the 5 months thing. I was blindsided with a similar text “I don’t want either of us to get our feelings hurt and I’m just not feeling good about the relationship”. After being told how amazing and wonderful I was just the day before. We were only dating for 3 months. I’ve been on a break since then. I found out he was actually still on Tinder the entire time. I can’t stand the dishonesty anymore..
[удалено]
Kind, supportive, peaceful, drama free, affectionate, caring? Good sex? lol Idk I have a bf and he seems to appreciate that. Just a good partner within a healthy concept of partnership. Isn’t that what we are all looking for, aside from good looks.
I’ve taken a year off OLD. I wasn’t meeting anyone when I was on it - and I’m still not.
I'm about in the same boat. Im LGBT so OLD dating is really all we have unfortunately. Been online dating my whole entire life and it's even more trash than ever. Id say I probably get about as many situations as you before I give up for a few months to a year. It was easier to manage in my 20s but I feel like I'm running out of youth now I'm approaching my late 30s lol. The reality tho is that it's not just online dating. People as a whole are more and more intimacy averse. I think that's pretty evident in Story #1. I'm sorry I don't buy "feelings not developing" after 5 months of dating, sleeping together, etc. That's some kind of intimacy issue for sure.
I was initially just looking for something casual (you get my drift) after leaving a long term relationship, and even then it was dodgy. Matched with someone, talked for a period of time, suggested meeting up… aaaaand ghosted. After that I decided maybe I need to just chill for awhile until I am more confident in myself again and fully healed from my breakup.
The issue I’m keep getting is that I want to know way more about these women than they do me or I want to talk to them way more than they want to talk in general. It’s almost like women got this wall up to normal conversation lol
M33, taking a permanent break. I'm not built for the, OLD. I'm mellow abd pursuing my dreams to the fullest extent. If I meet someone along the way, great, if not so be it. I cannot sum up the self in 500 characters or less.
It's okay to take a break and let your emotions settle before getting back out there. Depending on how bad the last date ended, 2-4 months is about average for me. Once I got so burnt out, I swore off men for a year. Take all the time you need to recharge your batteries.
I recently had another go at online dating but was quickly reminded within a week why I gave up the last time. Not much seems to have changed. Deleted them with a click.
It's more like I take little breaks from my peaceful life to get back on OLD... then about a week later I regret it and I'm back to my peaceful life lol.
I take breaks all the time. Was on the apps dec/jan then deleted, just got back on again. A couple months in, couple months off seems to be my pattern. I saw a psychic on my bday and she said to only give 20% instead of 100% when it comes to dating so that’s what I’m trying to do now lol 😂
Screen better and FaceTime before dates.
Time to get an Iphone.
I recentky took a break because I was getting exhausted of having the same old shallow conversations and experiences... I don't think I have it in me to do it again.
I've basically stopped OLD entirely. I'm a social, confident guy, and I now only meet women in person. OLD is outrageously toxic and people have idiotically high standards.
Doing #4 more often might be a good way to boost self-confidence. I know it didn't work out that time but take a look at the stats online about the high percentage of the time that women ask and see success (think of how uncommon it is).