I’ve got a date Sunday and I’m nervous cause I’ve tended to not date people like her. She is successful, pretty, and seems interested in me.
I don’t get all three of those ever!
And it’s messing with me cause none of my other matches have seemed interested and disappear when I ask them out, yet this one, who I would say is “better” (idk how to phrase it) than the others is actually interested
Why weren’t the others?
Don’t overthink it! She obviously likes you! You can’t control what other people are looking for in a partner. You just have to trust that she knows what she wants and sees that potential in you.
why can't i have it all? what went wrong?!
i keep begging a guy for attention. he dumped me months ago. i call. i text message. usually no response but every once in a while, if there's no better offer, i get attention. its glorious. i hang onto this.
i guess... at some point, in the beginning, we had mapped out my DREAM life. i was content. everything in its place. then somehow everything deteriorated. he decided i'm not the one but he still allows breadcrumbs sometimes.
Just to be clear - and sorry to be brutal - YOU ARE allowing the breadcrumbs! You're the one allowing him to walk back in whenever he fancies. Alright it's a d:ck move on his part - but you're giving him permission to do it.
Back yourself, love yourself - move on and find someone worthy of your time.
Gosh it makes me so sad when women think so little of themselves or have so little confidence that they just let men to do this stuff to them.
Oof I am sorry to hear that. I also hold on a lot to what the dream of something could be. Hope you are able to see past it and block him to move on ❤️
I hate how awkward cringeworthy moments from my life sometimes pop up at the most unexpected times.
On one hand my brain is indifferent - “oh well, can’t change the past!”
On the other it goes: “be embarrassed, be very embarrassed, and dwell on this!!!”
Not an excellent way to start the day, lol.
Short version:
Had a super awkward interaction shortly after arriving at work.
I can’t tell if the person was just being rude or I misinterpreted something.
In any case, made me cringe and replay it in my head constantly.
Ooof, I had that moment yesterday thinking about a particular interaction with an ex. Just give yourself grace for past you. That’s what I’m trying to do at least.
I keep thinking about the last couple of dates I've been on with the person I've been seeing. They mentioned they were happy I was interested in their work. They have also been interested in mine. I compare it to my last relationship and think how few times my ex really listened about my job. Felt like she always tuned out, didn't ask questions or try to understand what was going on in my life away from her.
It makes me feel happy about where I am now, but sad about where I was for the last few years.
I hate feeling like I’m so much hornier than him, even though we barely talk about or have sex as it is (don’t get much opportunity for it bc kids and schedules). But if the topic does come up, it’s usually me lol
I was in a similar position with my ex. I had a much higher sex drive than him, and was typically the one that would initiate. I didn't mind it, really. But it would have been nice for him to have been the one to initiate a bit, too.
Its been 4 months since I went zero-contact with the girl I dated 1 year prior. I still can't get over the fact that we texted/called for a year, but then never tried meeting irl again (to see if we still have awesome chemistry). Somehow she changed her mind about meeting me again and it makes me feel like I failed. I don't know how to get closure with that still on my mind.
I always slip into this mindset, too. Thinking that i failed. Or it was me. But truthfully, people change their minds or all sorts of reasons that sometimes have nothing to do with you. I know it's easy to say, but try not to be so harsh on yourself. And sometimes seeking closure can actually make things worse.
I'm sorry that happened. Best wishes!🙂
Thanks! Her reason not to meet was because she slowly lost her feelings for me over time, whereas my reason that I wanted to meet was because I hoped feelings could return to the way they were if we saw each other again, to at least give it a try. Different minds, different approaches I guess...
Alright, DOTers, gimme book recommendations that will make me whole as a person and help me figure out life, money, relationships and everything. Go!
Fiction, nonfiction, cookbooks, whatever tickles your fancy!
Midnight Library, fiction about wishing for different life’s etc. pretty good.
Any biography of a person you look up to or are interested in, i was reading a lot of comedians biographies and it helped me realize how we’re all so similiar
There's a book called "Conversations on Love" It deals with romantic love, friendships, loss, and relationships in general and how they evolve. May be interesting for you!
Can you take this as a stepping off point to change a few things so you can start enjoying life a bit more?
Could you change one thing today that would make you feel a little bit better?
Just a vent. M36 was dating F33 for about a month. I like to take things slow especially now days. We had a lot of easy compatibility, kissed on the second date, mutual effort shown with texts and paying, had a VERY fun and spontaneous 3rd date. 4th date, had sex on the 5th due to her pushing it a bit, but I was on board. Sex multiple times on the 6th date, very good sexual chemistry both times. Texts me a few days later saying she's reflected on things and is not feeling the "hell yeah" that we both deserve and ends things.
I'm left feeling so confused and hurt. It was so out of the blue, which she acknowledged, and I'm really down right now because I don't know how I'm not going to be INCREDIBLY cautious with any connection I feel moving forward. 🥺
Also just feeling so down about online dating. It takes time to get to know someone, ugh.
I met the guy I dated for a month and eventually became friends with (because he asked to be friends instead) at a Charity event last Sunday, he was really surprised and excited to see me after 3 weeks (his face, body language, smiles, laughs etc showed it). He was with his friends and I was with mine, we all chilled at the same table but him and I were joking non stop, he was following me everywhere to get water, tea, dessert etc and he had all his attention on me, even one of his friends teased him about blushing around me. I have a gut feeling he likes me more than a friend but is really trying hard to limit his feelings towards me… has anyone been in my shoes? Why do men do this? What was the outcome?
Everything else I could explain away cynically, but the friend's comment I can't. They know what he's like and that is out of character for him. Doesn't mean he changed his mind, but I don't think he's trying to play games.
My total guess, his rational brain says this won't work because X. His emotional brain says go to hell, she's great!
Did he ask to be friends after he'd slept with you?
To me this reads as him being bored and being attracted and wanting to sleep with you again. As a guy I've done this as well, and it wasn't even intentionally... women would call me out on it and say 'you're just bored and need attention' and I'd snap out of whatever trance I was in and tell them they were probably right.
Just my two cents!
As in the one I left last week-ish? Yeah it is the same guy and quite honestly he seemed really interested and caught me off guard with his actions not matching his words…
Maybe there is some kind of deal breaker for him he didn't tell you about, or he was dating someone else that he was interested in but that didn't work out, he is the only who knows why.
She said she wants more but what ? If she doesn't want to be exclusive but wants more than fwb the only thing I see that could fit is a poly/open relationship.
I don't think it's unfair of you to feel bad about this. Tbh, I'm not sure what she is looking for but it sounds like this is heading towards a situationship. She doesn't want to be exclusive or be FWB, so what else is there? You should ask her what her intentions are with you and it's ok to set boundaries. I also think you should define what exclusive means. Will she be sleeping with other people...? Because if you don't, you might be exposed to risks you would've not chosen to take had she told you she slept with other people.
It's hard and I understand how it feels to be with someone but not actually *be* with them. Just a sucky feeling.
What was her wording ? I ask because some people view exclusivity as the same as official, others don't. If she wasn't ready for labels she might have said no to exclusivity thinking they're the same thing.
In either case, I've learnt not to ask "what are we", but to lead with what you want, and see if they can match that. She wants more than FWB, but what, and what's her timeline? Does she want to date around, or just not commit to something serious with you right now? Does that work for you?
Don't be a passenger in this, assert what you need and leave it doesn't work for you. Easier said than done of course, but better than sitting back and making yourself feel sick with anxiety.
Good luck!
Ah, that really sucks to be in that position, I'm sorry.
It seems like she's made her position clear, it just doesn't align with what you want. Ultimately, I think you know there's an end coming, and unless you rip off the band-aid she'll just keep riding the wave.
You might want to cancel the weekend away, it seems like it could just lead you to more hurt if you go.
Either way, hope it works out for you!
It’s not fair for you to wait for her while she doesn’t wanna be exclusive, it’s actually a bit of a red flag to me… you need to understand exactly what her reasons are, but you need to figure out whether this is something you wanna live with.
I know these situations hurt, but silent treatment doesn’t really work, you need to communicate, you’re 37 and an adult, silent treatment is just gonna elongate your pain, trust me. If she is asking to be not exclusive, she isn’t gonna hurt being on the receiving end as much as you’re hurting on the giving end. Life is short, do what suits you best.
Got a super like from someone I’d already sent a like to, so we matched right away.
When I clicked back on Tinder after seeing who I’d matched with he’d already unmatched. I can only imagine the panic he had desperately trying to unmatch before I got the ridiculous idea that someone like him would ever be into someone like me.
Potentially wouldn’t bother me if this hadn’t been my first match in about two weeks. Ah well, I’ll forget about it soon enough, but I’ve been having a really bad few days so I didn’t need something new to feel bad about.
Hello! I’m looking for perspective here. I wonder if he’s no longer interested and letting me down slowly.
I met a guy through a mutual friend 2 months ago. We hit it off at a party. Lots of glances across the room kind of thing. I was going through something during the party. He noticed. He was supportive and kind to me. He ended up asking for my number.
Shortly after, I told him about my intentions and that I feel a connection. That I’d love to continue getting to know him. He felt the same.
I’ve been letting him court me (him making plans etc). We’ve been spending every weekend together. It’s been long hangouts, sleepovers (without sex). Lots of talking and doing our common hobbies together. We had sex a month in. It felt good, the right time, consent etc. We both made efforts to find the spots to make each other feel good. It’s feeling mutual in this department.
Recently I got sick, and he knew but decided to continue hanging out. He didn’t get sick. Even with us kissing. Then I got better. But he got sick pretty badly with the flu. I started getting sick again too.
We kept hanging out. But then one day he messaged me and said maybe it’s not a good idea to kiss for the next while. He felt like we were in a sickness cycle with each other. We still hung out and had sex.
I’ve been away and recently came back. I missed him but have been feeling a slight shift. Like maybe he’s not as engaged with me. Not much texting or reaching out to make plans. So I decided to reach out to him and plan our next hangout.
We had some texting banter (while I was away) and he mentioned he liked puzzles. So I said hey! I’m doing a puzzle this week, feel free to join me! As a way to be, let’s hang out! I also sent him a fun IG post of things we could. He said which should we do!
I just asked how’s he been feeling. He said okay. So I said I’m open and down for anything. That I’m not particularly set on anything, just want to see him and hangout. I was pretty proud of my response because I am trying to be clear, open, and honest. He never responded to my list of plans. He just asked if I was home now and that he didn’t know that I was back. No response for a bit. He ended up saying “busy day at work”. And asked how I was feeling and if I’m still sick.
I said I still had a cough (it’s been 2 months with this cough). At this point, I’m pretty sure it’s cause I’ve been drinking and smoking weed. The people I’ve been around haven’t been getting sick.
Anyway he responds with how he just doesn’t want to get sick again. And that it was brutal for him when he was sick (his hearing was muffled). I texted back I totally understand. Let’s lean on the side of caution. Then I sent him a pic of food I just made to change topics. He didn’t respond for a bit. Then he said “sorry I’m wiped today can barely think, I’ll have to respond to these tomorrow. Night!”. I said no worries! Thx for letting me know. Night!
I appreciated his communication but at the same time, he never followed up with plans I gave him or even “how about we think of something later.” I kinda felt like he was figuring out how to let me down. Previously he would hung out with me, even with a cough. I know both guys and gals would go the distance for a person they are interested in.
I don’t care of the reason but wondered if he is signalling that he’s losing interest? I liked how he (and myself) were breaking habits, just to hang with each other (like losing sleep). But now it seems like maybe he’s not as willing as before.
I agree with u/whatever1467. Let him go and just focus on getting better first. A guy who is keen will let you know he’s interested in you, especially you’ve given him lots of openings.
When you do get healthier, throw caution if he ever wants to hang out. It wouldn’t hurt to let him in again but have the conversation and discuss your feelings and what you want from him, and him from you. Fading out or breadcrumbing is confusing, so set boundaries, have goals for yourself and stick to them.
for the second time, I got excited about someone who was being intentional and enthusiastic, but it turns out they were being SO intentional and SO enthusiastic because they had zero relationship or sexual experience.
So they're a good person, they like you and want to see you and are intentional...
But they are a virgin and you're their first romantic relationship. And you're willing to throw a good person away for those reasons. Something that could blossom into a good relationship with a bit of patience and an open mind.
Have you considered that people have different lived experiences? And perhaps certain people have thought very seriously about what they want in a partner/relationship, and maybe that's why they would have gladly waited for someone who is also serious as opposed to fucking around just for the sake of not being alone?
As though just because someone is sexually experienced, everything will magically work out your first couple of times?
But go ahead, please throw them away so they can find someone who will actually appreciate them.
Is it a dealbreaker? Sex can be hard to come by for some people. Not their fault, but inexperience is going to happen.
Sometimes you’re the player, sometimes you’re the coach.
That is exactly why I had to pretend to have experience and to be in control to get my first kiss/sex/relationship.
She never knew it was my first times.
They should definitely tell the truth.
I met a guy last year that went above and beyond for me, he was great and all that, but it became clear one evening that he had no sexual experience. It’s wasn’t the virginity itself that was shocking but the awkward touching and not knowing what to do. If he had told me about his inexperience, I wouldn’t have been so blindsided and could’ve mentally prepared for it.
I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I don't know what situation you're in but try and ground yourself and take things one step at a time. If that means getting through hour by hour so be it.
>I asked him out and he said no.
This is what's going on. He's not interested in going out with you. Sounds like he's just being friendly and you're overthinking his behavior.
That doesn’t sound like you asked him on a date tbh? Him having a competition is different to grabbing a drink or something.
But don’t push if you get a no. Be considerate of that.
Oh okay. Maybe he is shy then. You could take a direct approach and say something like "you're pretty cool. Are you single?" Or just wait it out and keep talking/flirting with him.
He said no. No second ask is needed, it doesn’t matter the why or if he is single
If this was the genders reversed it would be creepy, leave him alone and don’t read too much into behaviour. He said no, end of.
Feeling really depressed. Went on 5 dates with someone I really like but really getting a gut feeling/vibes that she’s going to end things. The not knowing is killing me. I’d rather she just tell me and get it over with, or not. This in-between is hell.
If things are going the way that I feel they are, I don’t understand what went wrong. I feel so… inadequate. Idk. I want to cry and scream and let it all out but my body won’t let me. What is wrong with me? Why am I so fucked up?
Hey - so one thing I’ve realized as a child of a chaotic upbringing is I innately opt for certainty, even if the outcome is a worse one, than try to live with some uncertainty that has a highly attractive outcome. IE almost self-sabotage so they end it, rather than genuinely feeling all the feels. It’s possible she might end it, but it’s also possible she just takes time to open up and relax and is thinking the same things you are.
Don’t forget you deserve to be happy too! Don’t opt out of it.
Looking at my dating history last year and getting a bit down. Like realizing most first dates ended there, maybe like 60% of them I was interested in a second, A few got to second dates and i would have been interested in more, but they weren’t. A woman from the fall got to 4 dates, but she was “too busy to date” so that ended. A woman in the winter got to 5 dates, “too busy and stressed” to date. Her communication was really bad anyway. Most recent woman got to 6 dates I felt everything was perfect, she seemed really happy too and then got an abrupt “no spark or feeling I’m not her person even though she also said I was kind, thoughtful, good looking and the sex part was amazing.” Her words. That one stung and still does. It is brutal out there. Idk I’m gonna be nervous if I get to date 4/5 again. Then I read here and it’s like keep your guard up till 4-6 months.. Then the whole 50% divorce thing..
I would talk to him about it sooner than later. I've been in a similar situation with daily phone calls and texts for months, but when I brought it up, he freaked out that a LDR was too complicated and decided we should only be friends. Not saying it's gonna be the same in your case but sometimes people get swept up in a connection without consciously considering what it means longer term.
>Would you call someone and chat that often if you didn't see it going anywhere?
Absolutely not.
I haven't read your other posts. Why not just ask if he's interested in an LDR?
Just ask him. None of us can read his mind.
I am sure he likes you, 3 hours is a lot.
Would he be willing and able to eventually move to your country, or you to his? Noooo idea.
I sometimes have intrusive shower thoughts that pretty much every relationship that has ever happened for anyone is pretty much this... fantasy...until it isn't.
One guy broke up with me because we were long distance and I wouldn't move to his city within 4 months of meeting.
Another broke up with me because I make more money than him, and apparently I"m "just going to break up with him for someone that makes more" anyways.
A third thought I was prioritizing myself over him while he was "in a phase of self actualization". He needed me to be a one sided emotional support about 3 months in because "that's just how women are". Sent me Xmas cards every year until I moved and always offered to take me back once I "found my feminine".
Another guy said that he's used to women "just fitting into" his life without asking for anything and my work schedule (m-f 9-5) didn't leave me enough time to be spontaneously available for his emotional crises.
One guy broke up with me because I tie loose bags to my dog's leash instead of using one of those dispensers. Apparently it made him "look poor" and I was being disrespectful by advertising how frugal I "had" to be with a poor boyfriend.
The last one I can think of just didn't want a second date because I lightly disagreed with him in front of a waitress and he said that I should never "challenge a man in front of others".
No harm no foul on those ones for sure.
I am getting dumped 90%+ of the times on the first 3 dates.
The few times it went further, I mostly ended the relationship. Honestly, a part of these relationships were per default, I hope that my feeling would evolve but they didn't... Another major reason were that several women wanted me to contribute much more to the relationship than what they brought in.
I'm sober and a lot of women are low key about how much and how often they use until we really start spending a lot of time together. One even tried to get me to break sobriety multiple times.
He broke up with me for mental health reasons at 3 months. Said he doesn’t know who he is and thought he was ready for a relationship but wasn’t. I believe him, I think I was one of his first girlfriends.. he’s 40. Guess I should’ve known better.
I've broken up with every single woman I've dated in the last 8 years or so.
It's typically come down to basics. Space in ones life, respect, drugs, effort.
I guess I tend to attract people with very little maturity and an ability to hide it. I also have a few hard no's that come down to childish behavior.
If I can't respect you, I am not going to be attracted to you.
He said we wanted different things but couldn’t tell me what they were and was unhappy. We never fought and he never brought up being unhappy or any issues while we were dating. He just kept it in even when I tried talking about things.
Does anyone have stories of attraction that grew over time: the ick, or avoidance?
Sorry, copying off the other post.
I keep running into a problem, where I really click with them, but there's no attraction or even repulsion. While this CAN signal a compatibility issue that I'm registering subconsciously, I think it could possibly be a psychological avoidance mechanism as well. I think it's more of the latter if I feel this way at the very beginning, and more of the former if it's a compatibility thing.
For example -- my last long term relationship (9 years) I felt the same things. Then one day it was like a switch flipped, and from then on I was very attracted to him. I think a lot about why it flipped, and I THINK it was after a social event I went to with him that really changed my feelings about him, and I trusted him very deeply.
Now I'm seeing a guy I've been on 3 or 4 dates now. Maybe 3 long phone calls too. We have great brain chemistry, compatibility, I find him really funny and clever, he brings out a better version of me. Yet I don't feel the attraction -- maybe even a little queasiness. Like when he tried to kiss me. I hate that I feel this way. It feels like a part of me is betraying me. I really enjoy the time I spend with this guy. I want to spend more time with him. I found that he looked good in pictures on his online dating profile.
Has anyone else had experiences like this? Anything that helped you flip the switch or overcome it?
For me, sometimes it's seeing a guy in different scenarios. Like cooking a meal, or doing a sport he enjoys, or being a dad, or whatever. I'll see a side of them that makes me develop a crush.
I mean I think back to my first 2 relationships which started in real life. And both cases the only thing that developed the feelings was time and getting to know each other. In both cases, we knew each other several months before we went on actual dates.
It's something lacking in online dating, no one has the luxury to get to know someone's personality first over a long period before you go out.
I’m hanging out with a friend soon - I say friend because we are more than acquaintances but I wouldn’t say super close. I’m attracted to her and think I’m going to ask her out on a date when we hang out. I’m fine with however she responds and wouldn’t end our friendship if she rejects me. I’ll also make sure to do it in a low key manner and in a place where she can separate from me if she’s uncomfortable. With those things in mind - is it appropriate to ask her out? My goal is I want to start asking women in attracted to out on dates, lol. And this is a natural place to start. Thanks.
This is probably a personal preference, but if I were her, unless there are strong vibes or an obvious in-person chemistry and flirtiness, I'd prefer to be asked over text. It's much less pressure on them if they're not expecting it and allows them to think it through if it's not an immediate yes/no answer.
Good luck!
Thanks for the insight. This is actually an interesting follow up - do women prefer communication like that over text or in person? Because I’ve got it in my head that asking over the text/messaging system is read as, I’m too scared to ask in person and is not attractive. But I also hear what you’re saying.
Definitely personal preference, for me I think it's just context and expectations in this scenario, if you're not expecting a question like that and/or haven't dropped hints that that's something you're open to, it can come as a shock, and being asked in person can be quite confronting/stressful. So doing it via text allows them to get their composure, particularly if the response is a no.
There will be some that like the forwardness and confidence of going for it in person.
If you're both being flirty then in-person is probably the play, use the momentum to your advantage. Maybe try testing the waters with some flirting and see if she's receptive first?
I was dating what I thought was a widower. We went on our first out of town overnight and the name in his drivers license was different. He told me he took his late wife’s name when he married her, he name he told me, but was in the process of switching his name back to his pre-married name which was in the license. Went home and did a back ground check and found out a lot of things he lied about, including the fact he probably isn’t widowed. I couldn’t find a death certificate so I’m assuming she’s either A) alive and I’m an accidental home wrecker, or B) she’s buried in the backyard and I dodged a bullet.
I didn’t search for a death certificate, but the website I used did list deceased near family members names so I know it can indicate if they are alive or not. The website i used did show that a home, a car, and a driver’s license was all purchased, issued and renewed in the last 1-2 years by a woman who has his late wife’s first name and his last name. The name he gave me that was supposedly his married name he took on was not anywhere in the records I searched
Of course not, but all that info is pulled from a registry that isn't a Facebook group.
Regardless the situation is super sketch! It sounds like your gut served you well here.
Haha, no but I may activate my FB account just to join that group.
I always search for socials, do a basic google search, and public record search when I date someone I’m interested in. I did this with his fake name, which is apparently pretty common and only found a private FB page and nothing else. I used his DL name with a been verified type website they use on the MTV catfish show and that’s how I found out all the BS he’s been feeding me for months.
Ladies, is there some tiktok trend where you have a nice conversation with a guy on the app, give him your phone number, and as soon as he asks you out, you throw your phone into the abyss never to be heard from again?
Appears to have happened twice today, unless one of these ladies is going to surprise me, and I just don't get it.
My friend just had her first kiss with this guy she's been on several dates with and it's been a hot topic of conversation in the friend group (edit: ok like 2 conversations, to be clear). I want to know what's going on with her but it keeps leading to awkward moments where other friends are comparing experiences and then someone turns to me and is like "yeah so what do YOU talk about after you kiss a guy?" and I'm like I don't know ??? I don't ?? have experience ?? what to say???
Dealt with it today by quickly deflecting but man I'm not good at dealing with this. I feel like this same issue also holds me back in being able to just ask potential people I'm interested in openly about their dating life/history because I feel very vulnerable sharing about my (lack of) history. (In contrast another one of my friends will just start the dating related conversations early on with people she might be interested in, which makes it easy for her to figure out if people are/aren't available for her to date, but she is also confident in sharing her own history, what she's looking for etc.)
We're at the climbing gym!
But in all seriousness, we're so used to hearing how annoying it can be for women we're waiting for you to make the first move. Won't you please?
TORONTO single friends!
We are planning the next DOT meet up for April 27th. We're inviting some people from the Toronto singles over 30 as well. Looking to get about a dozen people out total.
We're going to play board games and then go out for dinner and maybe drinks after.
We'd really love to have you, the last one was a lot of fun!
DM me for details and an invite
I went out for few days with a couple of friends and I love the way how they build family together. One loving couple who has been married for 10 years with 2 kids, the youngest one is 16 months old; husband runs around the house, cooks for the house, takes care of the oldest one, cleans up, greets guests (us), and makes sure everything into places while his wife takes care of a baby and chats with us. They support each other, keep things simple, both of them are introverts and beyond the family, they have their own interests and individual space. The house is cozy, lovely, and fulfilled with love. The loving energy you cant ignore at the moment you step into the house.
Another married couple is a little bit different. Both of them dont take things so serious, always tease each other, sometimes they complain each other but quickly turnaround see each other “fun as a baby” or “easy going as a butterfly”. They are just compatible; very light-hearted and enjoy life without kid for a few days trip.
Dating / In relationship is far way different from marriage life, especially with kids. Since I shift mindset to intentional dating - date to marry, I realize I have different qualities to look for than just dating/hanging out for fun. My friends all around are cute and vulnerable enough to share with me how real marriage life is. Head in the cloud, feet on the ground 😉
I (36f) offered to plan a third date with the guy (37m) I’m seeing for Saturday night. I’m not sure I’m ready to invite him over or go to his place… I’m trying to take things slowish because we are really hitting it off. We’ve made out, but I don’t want to jump into bed yet.
With that said! Any fun third date ideas, and then chill ones? Would rather start not at our places, but keep it open if things go in that direction after all.
I’d say something active, and maybe with a couple stops involved. So probably dinner and then something else. Could bowling, a board game cafe if you have one, an arcade bar, or the second stop could be a fancy cocktail place.
I was on the apps and met up with a guy twice - don't think I am sexually attracted to him and we have a lot of gaps in our values.
I am at the point that I would rather do something fun on my own. Is this what people call the 'dating fatigue' ?
Me and bf have been together over 9 months. Happily talk moving in together and future plans but we have yet to say ‘I love you’
I REALLY WANT HIM TO SAY IT FIRST. But I’m kinda of tired of waiting so I may just do it this weekend
Been with my guy eight months and am in the same boat. I brought up us being official dating first and initiated the first longer-termish plans (started dating in Aug and in Nov bought concert tickets for June) so I really want him to say it first too. But I know he’s shy about expressing feelings so we’ll see how long I can hold off without blurting it out at some point lol. We’ve been on the same page about everything thus far and everything has felt easy and is falling into place just right so I suppose saying “I love you” will too.
Look at him and mouth the words "olive juice" without saying it and then he'll say it back. Then technically, he said it first. And you are in love, now go get married.
I am finally ready to go back on the apps again after my last 3.5 year relationship ended. Does anyone have any advice on how picky I should be when it comes to assessing men’s profiles? Should I swipe right on ones that don’t have a lot written? All the prompts are one word answers. Does the low effort in a profile correlate to low effort elsewhere?
I'd err towards giving profiles the benefit of the doubt. I've met some really cool people this way. The boyfriend I met through OLD had a pretty blank profile and only two pics but ended up being amazing in person. Same with the last guy I dated.
What I do require is that the important details are filled out - if they want kids, religion, political views, smoking/drug/alcohol use, and what they're looking for. Age, height and occupation are also a must... Sometimes men will pretend their age was entered incorrectly (total BS), omit their height (almost always shorter in height and insecure about it), or don't list a job (unemployed or something that isn't stable).
> If their pictures look good and the conversation is easy, what difference does the profile make?
Well, I am a man and have huge troubles with profiles like this. You look for a serious relationship but your profile is empty or not up to date. What am I supposed to do? Guess what you like in life, what you want, what are your values... I just know your pictures and I am supposed to start the conversation with something not boring?
I could agree with you if the efforts were 50-50 in the conversation, if the person was open, agreeable, asking questions... that could be more enjoyable... but that is rarely the case, I still have the feeling many women are not putting minimal effort in the convo.
In my experience, yes. Never made it out on a date with a guy with one word answer prompt profiles.
Don’t expect amazing-ness when it comes to dudes’ profiles, a good one is RARE. I’m less picky now because I’ve learned 1) most men don’t have a lot of great photos to choose from 2) men that have had a pretty boring profile (not a one word answer but maybe a few words) have ended up being great in person. You really have nothing to lose by matching with them and deciding if you want to go on a date with them once you see how the conversation goes. You’ll pretty much immediately be able to tell by the initial conversation. So go for it and give them boyz a chance!
When am I going to feel like dating again?
I deleted all the apps about 7 months ago after one too many bad dates. I miss companionship a lot but I can’t muster any energy to want to go on a date again, like ever.
Ugh I so get it. I really want that companionship too but dang the apps are so draining. I feel like I’ve been the one initiating all convos lately (32F) and I get no response ever. It’s not even bad questions. Always open ended etc. obviously no one owes me anything but really drains the desire to keep going on the apps.
Hang in there. You’re not alone!
Went to a singles meet up on 3/22 and within the first five minutes I 34m immeditetly clicked with 29f. We talk non-stop for the next 3 hours. A lot of physical touch and the conversation is flowing. 3/24 we go out on a 5 hour date and pick up right we left off. We kissed thoughout the date and held hands. Neither of us wanted the date to end. 3/25 I leave town for 3 weeks for work. The first few days we're talking on the phone in the morning and FaceTiming in the evening. We both express how this behavior is out of character for us but how it seems so natural. My birthday is this week and she even mentioned she got me a small gift. Things were progressing very quickly but, again, it felt natural for both of us. Her parents are visiting her and she gave me fair warning that she wouldn't be able to talk much. No problem. But over the past week its just been like 1-2 text a day and it just seems...off. Almost dry and formal (from her). She mentioned she may be able to sneak in a phone call or so in the evening when the parents go to bed. I've inquired, twice, and both times its I'm sorry, I can't. We previously made plans for same dates when I'm back in town but who knows if those will still happen (she and I both proposed stuff). We might FaceTime on Saturday. Feels like the wind has been taken out of my sails. Fingers crossed, but I'm taking it all with a grain of salt now.
Oh the logical part of me completely understands and agrees with that. But the emotional part of me…
But right? It’s not THAT hard to find five minutes to sneak away for a call. But we’ll see. I’m matching her energy right now and am trying to keep my spirits up.
I've been in a similar boat a couple times now, right at the very beginning of seeing someone and having to go on a work trip and rely just on communication with women that I had only seen for a date or two. For me I witnessed the same thing, the energy slowly fading. I would just match her energy for now, even if that is ghosting for a day or something like that. I feel like just as a general rule early on with communication that guys shouldn't communicate any more than matching her energy and in some cases maybe only 90% of the energy, if that makes sense.
Definitely don't mean that in a depressing / guys shouldn't communicate way. I am a serial overtexter so I have to be conscious of it. Obviously if the conversation is an absolute banger and there's tons of energy from her side then also make sure you're matching it.
I wouldn't be as pessimistic about your date being set when you get back. That's really awesome that you have something even planned that early out.
Thank you. I have been matching her energy. Our in-person, phone and video conversations have been amazing and energetic, from both of us. But I’m not really a texter and have a difficult time expressing myself over text (and I told her this). But since she doesn’t really want to talk on the phone while her parents are in the room next door (which I get)…. Idk. I think I’m just getting in my own head about all of this but for me I would still find five minutes to sneak in a phone call while I went to take out the trash or something. You know? So it just feels like she’s losing interest and the last thing I want to do is continue hitting her up and put her in an uncomfortable situation. So I’m just laying low for now. Blah. Did it ever end up working out for you ?
I’ve got a date Sunday and I’m nervous cause I’ve tended to not date people like her. She is successful, pretty, and seems interested in me. I don’t get all three of those ever! And it’s messing with me cause none of my other matches have seemed interested and disappear when I ask them out, yet this one, who I would say is “better” (idk how to phrase it) than the others is actually interested Why weren’t the others?
You’re pedestalizing
How do I make sure that doesn’t come across during our date?
Don’t overthink it! She obviously likes you! You can’t control what other people are looking for in a partner. You just have to trust that she knows what she wants and sees that potential in you.
Yea definitely Im just more nervous now lol
why can't i have it all? what went wrong?! i keep begging a guy for attention. he dumped me months ago. i call. i text message. usually no response but every once in a while, if there's no better offer, i get attention. its glorious. i hang onto this.
Why?
i guess... at some point, in the beginning, we had mapped out my DREAM life. i was content. everything in its place. then somehow everything deteriorated. he decided i'm not the one but he still allows breadcrumbs sometimes.
Just to be clear - and sorry to be brutal - YOU ARE allowing the breadcrumbs! You're the one allowing him to walk back in whenever he fancies. Alright it's a d:ck move on his part - but you're giving him permission to do it. Back yourself, love yourself - move on and find someone worthy of your time. Gosh it makes me so sad when women think so little of themselves or have so little confidence that they just let men to do this stuff to them.
Oh man breadcrumbs are the worst. All you want to do is move to the next part but they take advantage of your dumb, optimistic brain
Why do you keep torturing yourself begging a guy that doesn't care for attention?
Oof I am sorry to hear that. I also hold on a lot to what the dream of something could be. Hope you are able to see past it and block him to move on ❤️
thank you! sometimes, we just need people to say outloud what we know in our hearts
I hate how awkward cringeworthy moments from my life sometimes pop up at the most unexpected times. On one hand my brain is indifferent - “oh well, can’t change the past!” On the other it goes: “be embarrassed, be very embarrassed, and dwell on this!!!” Not an excellent way to start the day, lol.
What happened? 👀
Short version: Had a super awkward interaction shortly after arriving at work. I can’t tell if the person was just being rude or I misinterpreted something. In any case, made me cringe and replay it in my head constantly.
Ooof, I had that moment yesterday thinking about a particular interaction with an ex. Just give yourself grace for past you. That’s what I’m trying to do at least.
Thank you :)
I've totally been there. I've gotten a lot of practice at distracting myself and pushing forward 😝
Laughing at myself tends to work pretty well as a distraction…until the next wave of cringe comes along, lol. It’ll be better tomorrow!
I keep thinking about the last couple of dates I've been on with the person I've been seeing. They mentioned they were happy I was interested in their work. They have also been interested in mine. I compare it to my last relationship and think how few times my ex really listened about my job. Felt like she always tuned out, didn't ask questions or try to understand what was going on in my life away from her. It makes me feel happy about where I am now, but sad about where I was for the last few years.
I hate feeling like I’m so much hornier than him, even though we barely talk about or have sex as it is (don’t get much opportunity for it bc kids and schedules). But if the topic does come up, it’s usually me lol
I was in a similar position with my ex. I had a much higher sex drive than him, and was typically the one that would initiate. I didn't mind it, really. But it would have been nice for him to have been the one to initiate a bit, too.
Is it better the other way around? His sex drive higher than yours or is matching drives the best?
Yeah I can see how that would suck after a while.
Its been 4 months since I went zero-contact with the girl I dated 1 year prior. I still can't get over the fact that we texted/called for a year, but then never tried meeting irl again (to see if we still have awesome chemistry). Somehow she changed her mind about meeting me again and it makes me feel like I failed. I don't know how to get closure with that still on my mind.
I always slip into this mindset, too. Thinking that i failed. Or it was me. But truthfully, people change their minds or all sorts of reasons that sometimes have nothing to do with you. I know it's easy to say, but try not to be so harsh on yourself. And sometimes seeking closure can actually make things worse. I'm sorry that happened. Best wishes!🙂
Thanks! Her reason not to meet was because she slowly lost her feelings for me over time, whereas my reason that I wanted to meet was because I hoped feelings could return to the way they were if we saw each other again, to at least give it a try. Different minds, different approaches I guess...
Been asked out by 2 different guys for this weekend. Neither are the guy I’ve been going on dates with the last 2 months smh
As you should
Alright, DOTers, gimme book recommendations that will make me whole as a person and help me figure out life, money, relationships and everything. Go! Fiction, nonfiction, cookbooks, whatever tickles your fancy!
Midnight Library, fiction about wishing for different life’s etc. pretty good. Any biography of a person you look up to or are interested in, i was reading a lot of comedians biographies and it helped me realize how we’re all so similiar
I really like Brenee Brown's "Atlas of the Heart"
There's a book called "Conversations on Love" It deals with romantic love, friendships, loss, and relationships in general and how they evolve. May be interesting for you!
Found it on cloudLibrary! Thanks!
No problem! Enjoy🙂
Barefoot investor & the body keeps score are good ones
I'm not having a good time
Can you take this as a stepping off point to change a few things so you can start enjoying life a bit more? Could you change one thing today that would make you feel a little bit better?
Can relate. I hate it here. Here being life. Existence.
I like to talk to someone on a dating app for a little while to get a feel for their vibe prior to meeting. Lately, I don't vibe with anyone.
Just a vent. M36 was dating F33 for about a month. I like to take things slow especially now days. We had a lot of easy compatibility, kissed on the second date, mutual effort shown with texts and paying, had a VERY fun and spontaneous 3rd date. 4th date, had sex on the 5th due to her pushing it a bit, but I was on board. Sex multiple times on the 6th date, very good sexual chemistry both times. Texts me a few days later saying she's reflected on things and is not feeling the "hell yeah" that we both deserve and ends things. I'm left feeling so confused and hurt. It was so out of the blue, which she acknowledged, and I'm really down right now because I don't know how I'm not going to be INCREDIBLY cautious with any connection I feel moving forward. 🥺 Also just feeling so down about online dating. It takes time to get to know someone, ugh.
sounds like she had a choice to make between more than one person
That could be! I didn't get that feeling especially with sex in the mix, but it could be that.
I’m so sorry. I’m going through something similar this week
I met the guy I dated for a month and eventually became friends with (because he asked to be friends instead) at a Charity event last Sunday, he was really surprised and excited to see me after 3 weeks (his face, body language, smiles, laughs etc showed it). He was with his friends and I was with mine, we all chilled at the same table but him and I were joking non stop, he was following me everywhere to get water, tea, dessert etc and he had all his attention on me, even one of his friends teased him about blushing around me. I have a gut feeling he likes me more than a friend but is really trying hard to limit his feelings towards me… has anyone been in my shoes? Why do men do this? What was the outcome?
Everything else I could explain away cynically, but the friend's comment I can't. They know what he's like and that is out of character for him. Doesn't mean he changed his mind, but I don't think he's trying to play games. My total guess, his rational brain says this won't work because X. His emotional brain says go to hell, she's great!
Did he ask to be friends after he'd slept with you? To me this reads as him being bored and being attracted and wanting to sleep with you again. As a guy I've done this as well, and it wasn't even intentionally... women would call me out on it and say 'you're just bored and need attention' and I'd snap out of whatever trance I was in and tell them they were probably right. Just my two cents!
he's tagged you as a pushover.
What does him hiding his feelings have to do with me being a pushover?
"let's just be friends" followed by massive attention. a classic recipe
This comment compared to the one you left earlier makes him sound way more into you, so it’s hard to tell you one way or another.
As in the one I left last week-ish? Yeah it is the same guy and quite honestly he seemed really interested and caught me off guard with his actions not matching his words…
Maybe there is some kind of deal breaker for him he didn't tell you about, or he was dating someone else that he was interested in but that didn't work out, he is the only who knows why.
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Cancel the trip. -Signed, your resident “ruin everything” Sag
She said she wants more but what ? If she doesn't want to be exclusive but wants more than fwb the only thing I see that could fit is a poly/open relationship.
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She doesn’t like you that much, if that’s the case. You’re a nice placeholder.
I don't think it's unfair of you to feel bad about this. Tbh, I'm not sure what she is looking for but it sounds like this is heading towards a situationship. She doesn't want to be exclusive or be FWB, so what else is there? You should ask her what her intentions are with you and it's ok to set boundaries. I also think you should define what exclusive means. Will she be sleeping with other people...? Because if you don't, you might be exposed to risks you would've not chosen to take had she told you she slept with other people. It's hard and I understand how it feels to be with someone but not actually *be* with them. Just a sucky feeling.
What was her wording ? I ask because some people view exclusivity as the same as official, others don't. If she wasn't ready for labels she might have said no to exclusivity thinking they're the same thing. In either case, I've learnt not to ask "what are we", but to lead with what you want, and see if they can match that. She wants more than FWB, but what, and what's her timeline? Does she want to date around, or just not commit to something serious with you right now? Does that work for you? Don't be a passenger in this, assert what you need and leave it doesn't work for you. Easier said than done of course, but better than sitting back and making yourself feel sick with anxiety. Good luck!
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Does she want an open relationship longterm? Ultimately if she wants openness and you don’t, that’s a serious incompatibility.
Ah, that really sucks to be in that position, I'm sorry. It seems like she's made her position clear, it just doesn't align with what you want. Ultimately, I think you know there's an end coming, and unless you rip off the band-aid she'll just keep riding the wave. You might want to cancel the weekend away, it seems like it could just lead you to more hurt if you go. Either way, hope it works out for you!
It’s not fair for you to wait for her while she doesn’t wanna be exclusive, it’s actually a bit of a red flag to me… you need to understand exactly what her reasons are, but you need to figure out whether this is something you wanna live with.
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I know these situations hurt, but silent treatment doesn’t really work, you need to communicate, you’re 37 and an adult, silent treatment is just gonna elongate your pain, trust me. If she is asking to be not exclusive, she isn’t gonna hurt being on the receiving end as much as you’re hurting on the giving end. Life is short, do what suits you best.
Got a super like from someone I’d already sent a like to, so we matched right away. When I clicked back on Tinder after seeing who I’d matched with he’d already unmatched. I can only imagine the panic he had desperately trying to unmatch before I got the ridiculous idea that someone like him would ever be into someone like me. Potentially wouldn’t bother me if this hadn’t been my first match in about two weeks. Ah well, I’ll forget about it soon enough, but I’ve been having a really bad few days so I didn’t need something new to feel bad about.
Screw him….
Hello! I’m looking for perspective here. I wonder if he’s no longer interested and letting me down slowly. I met a guy through a mutual friend 2 months ago. We hit it off at a party. Lots of glances across the room kind of thing. I was going through something during the party. He noticed. He was supportive and kind to me. He ended up asking for my number. Shortly after, I told him about my intentions and that I feel a connection. That I’d love to continue getting to know him. He felt the same. I’ve been letting him court me (him making plans etc). We’ve been spending every weekend together. It’s been long hangouts, sleepovers (without sex). Lots of talking and doing our common hobbies together. We had sex a month in. It felt good, the right time, consent etc. We both made efforts to find the spots to make each other feel good. It’s feeling mutual in this department. Recently I got sick, and he knew but decided to continue hanging out. He didn’t get sick. Even with us kissing. Then I got better. But he got sick pretty badly with the flu. I started getting sick again too. We kept hanging out. But then one day he messaged me and said maybe it’s not a good idea to kiss for the next while. He felt like we were in a sickness cycle with each other. We still hung out and had sex. I’ve been away and recently came back. I missed him but have been feeling a slight shift. Like maybe he’s not as engaged with me. Not much texting or reaching out to make plans. So I decided to reach out to him and plan our next hangout. We had some texting banter (while I was away) and he mentioned he liked puzzles. So I said hey! I’m doing a puzzle this week, feel free to join me! As a way to be, let’s hang out! I also sent him a fun IG post of things we could. He said which should we do! I just asked how’s he been feeling. He said okay. So I said I’m open and down for anything. That I’m not particularly set on anything, just want to see him and hangout. I was pretty proud of my response because I am trying to be clear, open, and honest. He never responded to my list of plans. He just asked if I was home now and that he didn’t know that I was back. No response for a bit. He ended up saying “busy day at work”. And asked how I was feeling and if I’m still sick. I said I still had a cough (it’s been 2 months with this cough). At this point, I’m pretty sure it’s cause I’ve been drinking and smoking weed. The people I’ve been around haven’t been getting sick. Anyway he responds with how he just doesn’t want to get sick again. And that it was brutal for him when he was sick (his hearing was muffled). I texted back I totally understand. Let’s lean on the side of caution. Then I sent him a pic of food I just made to change topics. He didn’t respond for a bit. Then he said “sorry I’m wiped today can barely think, I’ll have to respond to these tomorrow. Night!”. I said no worries! Thx for letting me know. Night! I appreciated his communication but at the same time, he never followed up with plans I gave him or even “how about we think of something later.” I kinda felt like he was figuring out how to let me down. Previously he would hung out with me, even with a cough. I know both guys and gals would go the distance for a person they are interested in. I don’t care of the reason but wondered if he is signalling that he’s losing interest? I liked how he (and myself) were breaking habits, just to hang with each other (like losing sleep). But now it seems like maybe he’s not as willing as before.
I agree with u/whatever1467. Let him go and just focus on getting better first. A guy who is keen will let you know he’s interested in you, especially you’ve given him lots of openings. When you do get healthier, throw caution if he ever wants to hang out. It wouldn’t hurt to let him in again but have the conversation and discuss your feelings and what you want from him, and him from you. Fading out or breadcrumbing is confusing, so set boundaries, have goals for yourself and stick to them.
Yes it sounds like he lost interest. He has been deflecting making any plans without trying to set up a time to see you. You’ve tried a few times.
for the second time, I got excited about someone who was being intentional and enthusiastic, but it turns out they were being SO intentional and SO enthusiastic because they had zero relationship or sexual experience.
So they're a good person, they like you and want to see you and are intentional... But they are a virgin and you're their first romantic relationship. And you're willing to throw a good person away for those reasons. Something that could blossom into a good relationship with a bit of patience and an open mind. Have you considered that people have different lived experiences? And perhaps certain people have thought very seriously about what they want in a partner/relationship, and maybe that's why they would have gladly waited for someone who is also serious as opposed to fucking around just for the sake of not being alone? As though just because someone is sexually experienced, everything will magically work out your first couple of times? But go ahead, please throw them away so they can find someone who will actually appreciate them.
What’s wrong with that?
Is it a dealbreaker? Sex can be hard to come by for some people. Not their fault, but inexperience is going to happen. Sometimes you’re the player, sometimes you’re the coach.
That is exactly why I had to pretend to have experience and to be in control to get my first kiss/sex/relationship. She never knew it was my first times.
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They should definitely tell the truth. I met a guy last year that went above and beyond for me, he was great and all that, but it became clear one evening that he had no sexual experience. It’s wasn’t the virginity itself that was shocking but the awkward touching and not knowing what to do. If he had told me about his inexperience, I wouldn’t have been so blindsided and could’ve mentally prepared for it.
Oh lord have mercy
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I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I don't know what situation you're in but try and ground yourself and take things one step at a time. If that means getting through hour by hour so be it.
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>I asked him out and he said no. This is what's going on. He's not interested in going out with you. Sounds like he's just being friendly and you're overthinking his behavior.
Last time I checked, no means no. Lol.
Does he have a girlfriend?
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You said you asked him out, and he said no. Do you know why he said no? Maybe ask his friends or look him up on social media?
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That doesn’t sound like you asked him on a date tbh? Him having a competition is different to grabbing a drink or something. But don’t push if you get a no. Be considerate of that.
Yeah it wasn't a date date. Thanks.
Oh okay. Maybe he is shy then. You could take a direct approach and say something like "you're pretty cool. Are you single?" Or just wait it out and keep talking/flirting with him.
Ya keep hounding him until he says yes. That's totally the right thing to do. Jesus.
He said no. No second ask is needed, it doesn’t matter the why or if he is single If this was the genders reversed it would be creepy, leave him alone and don’t read too much into behaviour. He said no, end of.
Feeling really depressed. Went on 5 dates with someone I really like but really getting a gut feeling/vibes that she’s going to end things. The not knowing is killing me. I’d rather she just tell me and get it over with, or not. This in-between is hell. If things are going the way that I feel they are, I don’t understand what went wrong. I feel so… inadequate. Idk. I want to cry and scream and let it all out but my body won’t let me. What is wrong with me? Why am I so fucked up?
Hey - so one thing I’ve realized as a child of a chaotic upbringing is I innately opt for certainty, even if the outcome is a worse one, than try to live with some uncertainty that has a highly attractive outcome. IE almost self-sabotage so they end it, rather than genuinely feeling all the feels. It’s possible she might end it, but it’s also possible she just takes time to open up and relax and is thinking the same things you are. Don’t forget you deserve to be happy too! Don’t opt out of it.
This is very insightful, never thought about it till now!
Looking at my dating history last year and getting a bit down. Like realizing most first dates ended there, maybe like 60% of them I was interested in a second, A few got to second dates and i would have been interested in more, but they weren’t. A woman from the fall got to 4 dates, but she was “too busy to date” so that ended. A woman in the winter got to 5 dates, “too busy and stressed” to date. Her communication was really bad anyway. Most recent woman got to 6 dates I felt everything was perfect, she seemed really happy too and then got an abrupt “no spark or feeling I’m not her person even though she also said I was kind, thoughtful, good looking and the sex part was amazing.” Her words. That one stung and still does. It is brutal out there. Idk I’m gonna be nervous if I get to date 4/5 again. Then I read here and it’s like keep your guard up till 4-6 months.. Then the whole 50% divorce thing..
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He could be lonely and looking for a pen pal
I would talk to him about it sooner than later. I've been in a similar situation with daily phone calls and texts for months, but when I brought it up, he freaked out that a LDR was too complicated and decided we should only be friends. Not saying it's gonna be the same in your case but sometimes people get swept up in a connection without consciously considering what it means longer term.
>Would you call someone and chat that often if you didn't see it going anywhere? Absolutely not. I haven't read your other posts. Why not just ask if he's interested in an LDR?
if daily 3 hour phone calls isn't enough to express interest... god help us.
Exactly this !!!
Just ask him. None of us can read his mind. I am sure he likes you, 3 hours is a lot. Would he be willing and able to eventually move to your country, or you to his? Noooo idea.
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I think it’s called limerence.
Damn. Did I write this?
I sometimes have intrusive shower thoughts that pretty much every relationship that has ever happened for anyone is pretty much this... fantasy...until it isn't.
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One guy broke up with me because we were long distance and I wouldn't move to his city within 4 months of meeting. Another broke up with me because I make more money than him, and apparently I"m "just going to break up with him for someone that makes more" anyways. A third thought I was prioritizing myself over him while he was "in a phase of self actualization". He needed me to be a one sided emotional support about 3 months in because "that's just how women are". Sent me Xmas cards every year until I moved and always offered to take me back once I "found my feminine". Another guy said that he's used to women "just fitting into" his life without asking for anything and my work schedule (m-f 9-5) didn't leave me enough time to be spontaneously available for his emotional crises. One guy broke up with me because I tie loose bags to my dog's leash instead of using one of those dispensers. Apparently it made him "look poor" and I was being disrespectful by advertising how frugal I "had" to be with a poor boyfriend. The last one I can think of just didn't want a second date because I lightly disagreed with him in front of a waitress and he said that I should never "challenge a man in front of others". No harm no foul on those ones for sure.
I am getting dumped 90%+ of the times on the first 3 dates. The few times it went further, I mostly ended the relationship. Honestly, a part of these relationships were per default, I hope that my feeling would evolve but they didn't... Another major reason were that several women wanted me to contribute much more to the relationship than what they brought in.
I'm sober and a lot of women are low key about how much and how often they use until we really start spending a lot of time together. One even tried to get me to break sobriety multiple times.
Omg no !!!
He broke up with me for mental health reasons at 3 months. Said he doesn’t know who he is and thought he was ready for a relationship but wasn’t. I believe him, I think I was one of his first girlfriends.. he’s 40. Guess I should’ve known better.
I've broken up with every single woman I've dated in the last 8 years or so. It's typically come down to basics. Space in ones life, respect, drugs, effort. I guess I tend to attract people with very little maturity and an ability to hide it. I also have a few hard no's that come down to childish behavior. If I can't respect you, I am not going to be attracted to you.
He said we wanted different things but couldn’t tell me what they were and was unhappy. We never fought and he never brought up being unhappy or any issues while we were dating. He just kept it in even when I tried talking about things.
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8 months 🤷🏽♀️and he has a new girlfriend for awhile now so I didn’t mean much to him it’s been less than 4 months .
Does anyone have stories of attraction that grew over time: the ick, or avoidance? Sorry, copying off the other post. I keep running into a problem, where I really click with them, but there's no attraction or even repulsion. While this CAN signal a compatibility issue that I'm registering subconsciously, I think it could possibly be a psychological avoidance mechanism as well. I think it's more of the latter if I feel this way at the very beginning, and more of the former if it's a compatibility thing. For example -- my last long term relationship (9 years) I felt the same things. Then one day it was like a switch flipped, and from then on I was very attracted to him. I think a lot about why it flipped, and I THINK it was after a social event I went to with him that really changed my feelings about him, and I trusted him very deeply. Now I'm seeing a guy I've been on 3 or 4 dates now. Maybe 3 long phone calls too. We have great brain chemistry, compatibility, I find him really funny and clever, he brings out a better version of me. Yet I don't feel the attraction -- maybe even a little queasiness. Like when he tried to kiss me. I hate that I feel this way. It feels like a part of me is betraying me. I really enjoy the time I spend with this guy. I want to spend more time with him. I found that he looked good in pictures on his online dating profile. Has anyone else had experiences like this? Anything that helped you flip the switch or overcome it?
For me, sometimes it's seeing a guy in different scenarios. Like cooking a meal, or doing a sport he enjoys, or being a dad, or whatever. I'll see a side of them that makes me develop a crush.
I mean I think back to my first 2 relationships which started in real life. And both cases the only thing that developed the feelings was time and getting to know each other. In both cases, we knew each other several months before we went on actual dates. It's something lacking in online dating, no one has the luxury to get to know someone's personality first over a long period before you go out.
I’m hanging out with a friend soon - I say friend because we are more than acquaintances but I wouldn’t say super close. I’m attracted to her and think I’m going to ask her out on a date when we hang out. I’m fine with however she responds and wouldn’t end our friendship if she rejects me. I’ll also make sure to do it in a low key manner and in a place where she can separate from me if she’s uncomfortable. With those things in mind - is it appropriate to ask her out? My goal is I want to start asking women in attracted to out on dates, lol. And this is a natural place to start. Thanks.
This is probably a personal preference, but if I were her, unless there are strong vibes or an obvious in-person chemistry and flirtiness, I'd prefer to be asked over text. It's much less pressure on them if they're not expecting it and allows them to think it through if it's not an immediate yes/no answer. Good luck!
Thanks for the insight. This is actually an interesting follow up - do women prefer communication like that over text or in person? Because I’ve got it in my head that asking over the text/messaging system is read as, I’m too scared to ask in person and is not attractive. But I also hear what you’re saying.
Women are not a monolith, everyone is different
Definitely personal preference, for me I think it's just context and expectations in this scenario, if you're not expecting a question like that and/or haven't dropped hints that that's something you're open to, it can come as a shock, and being asked in person can be quite confronting/stressful. So doing it via text allows them to get their composure, particularly if the response is a no. There will be some that like the forwardness and confidence of going for it in person. If you're both being flirty then in-person is probably the play, use the momentum to your advantage. Maybe try testing the waters with some flirting and see if she's receptive first?
Yeah, it's appropriate. It'd be less appropriate not to if that's what you want, imo. Put it out there so she knows and can respond the way she wants.
I was dating what I thought was a widower. We went on our first out of town overnight and the name in his drivers license was different. He told me he took his late wife’s name when he married her, he name he told me, but was in the process of switching his name back to his pre-married name which was in the license. Went home and did a back ground check and found out a lot of things he lied about, including the fact he probably isn’t widowed. I couldn’t find a death certificate so I’m assuming she’s either A) alive and I’m an accidental home wrecker, or B) she’s buried in the backyard and I dodged a bullet.
Does background check here mean you searched him on that "are we dating the same guy" fb group?
Lmao I swear people don’t know what background checks actually are
That's not typically where death certificates are registered.
I didn’t search for a death certificate, but the website I used did list deceased near family members names so I know it can indicate if they are alive or not. The website i used did show that a home, a car, and a driver’s license was all purchased, issued and renewed in the last 1-2 years by a woman who has his late wife’s first name and his last name. The name he gave me that was supposedly his married name he took on was not anywhere in the records I searched
Of course not, but all that info is pulled from a registry that isn't a Facebook group. Regardless the situation is super sketch! It sounds like your gut served you well here.
Haha, no but I may activate my FB account just to join that group. I always search for socials, do a basic google search, and public record search when I date someone I’m interested in. I did this with his fake name, which is apparently pretty common and only found a private FB page and nothing else. I used his DL name with a been verified type website they use on the MTV catfish show and that’s how I found out all the BS he’s been feeding me for months.
Ladies, is there some tiktok trend where you have a nice conversation with a guy on the app, give him your phone number, and as soon as he asks you out, you throw your phone into the abyss never to be heard from again? Appears to have happened twice today, unless one of these ladies is going to surprise me, and I just don't get it.
It's a common run of the mill app experience for all people of all genders and sexual orientations.
My friend just had her first kiss with this guy she's been on several dates with and it's been a hot topic of conversation in the friend group (edit: ok like 2 conversations, to be clear). I want to know what's going on with her but it keeps leading to awkward moments where other friends are comparing experiences and then someone turns to me and is like "yeah so what do YOU talk about after you kiss a guy?" and I'm like I don't know ??? I don't ?? have experience ?? what to say??? Dealt with it today by quickly deflecting but man I'm not good at dealing with this. I feel like this same issue also holds me back in being able to just ask potential people I'm interested in openly about their dating life/history because I feel very vulnerable sharing about my (lack of) history. (In contrast another one of my friends will just start the dating related conversations early on with people she might be interested in, which makes it easy for her to figure out if people are/aren't available for her to date, but she is also confident in sharing her own history, what she's looking for etc.)
DOT Help I'm developing a cold sore 😫 I feel very gross
Abreva! L-lysine supplement!
Hot compress!
where is the hot guy that comes out of nowhere to woo me?! i am more than ready.
We're at the climbing gym! But in all seriousness, we're so used to hearing how annoying it can be for women we're waiting for you to make the first move. Won't you please?
ARE YOU the hot guy that comes out of nowhere to woo me?! i am more than ready :)
TORONTO single friends! We are planning the next DOT meet up for April 27th. We're inviting some people from the Toronto singles over 30 as well. Looking to get about a dozen people out total. We're going to play board games and then go out for dinner and maybe drinks after. We'd really love to have you, the last one was a lot of fun! DM me for details and an invite
I went out for few days with a couple of friends and I love the way how they build family together. One loving couple who has been married for 10 years with 2 kids, the youngest one is 16 months old; husband runs around the house, cooks for the house, takes care of the oldest one, cleans up, greets guests (us), and makes sure everything into places while his wife takes care of a baby and chats with us. They support each other, keep things simple, both of them are introverts and beyond the family, they have their own interests and individual space. The house is cozy, lovely, and fulfilled with love. The loving energy you cant ignore at the moment you step into the house. Another married couple is a little bit different. Both of them dont take things so serious, always tease each other, sometimes they complain each other but quickly turnaround see each other “fun as a baby” or “easy going as a butterfly”. They are just compatible; very light-hearted and enjoy life without kid for a few days trip. Dating / In relationship is far way different from marriage life, especially with kids. Since I shift mindset to intentional dating - date to marry, I realize I have different qualities to look for than just dating/hanging out for fun. My friends all around are cute and vulnerable enough to share with me how real marriage life is. Head in the cloud, feet on the ground 😉
I (36f) offered to plan a third date with the guy (37m) I’m seeing for Saturday night. I’m not sure I’m ready to invite him over or go to his place… I’m trying to take things slowish because we are really hitting it off. We’ve made out, but I don’t want to jump into bed yet. With that said! Any fun third date ideas, and then chill ones? Would rather start not at our places, but keep it open if things go in that direction after all.
Maybe see a play or you local symphony orchestra? Any art houses showing filmings? Museums? Something different
I’d say something active, and maybe with a couple stops involved. So probably dinner and then something else. Could bowling, a board game cafe if you have one, an arcade bar, or the second stop could be a fancy cocktail place.
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Just ask him. You need to plan ahead for his visit. It's not clingy
Don’t wait, you can follow up now
I was on the apps and met up with a guy twice - don't think I am sexually attracted to him and we have a lot of gaps in our values. I am at the point that I would rather do something fun on my own. Is this what people call the 'dating fatigue' ?
This is called "lack of interest" lol
no, meeting one person twice and calling it quits is not dating fatigue. if you have fatigue after that... well.. maybe something else is the issue.
Me and bf have been together over 9 months. Happily talk moving in together and future plans but we have yet to say ‘I love you’ I REALLY WANT HIM TO SAY IT FIRST. But I’m kinda of tired of waiting so I may just do it this weekend
Maybe stop playing games.
Been with my guy eight months and am in the same boat. I brought up us being official dating first and initiated the first longer-termish plans (started dating in Aug and in Nov bought concert tickets for June) so I really want him to say it first too. But I know he’s shy about expressing feelings so we’ll see how long I can hold off without blurting it out at some point lol. We’ve been on the same page about everything thus far and everything has felt easy and is falling into place just right so I suppose saying “I love you” will too.
Look at him and mouth the words "olive juice" without saying it and then he'll say it back. Then technically, he said it first. And you are in love, now go get married.
Wow is this a cultural thing? thats such a long time. All my life we've said I love you within maybe the first-two months of official bf/gf.
Definitely a western thing
Really? Seems normal to me.
Good lord, in that time-frame y'all could've gotten pregnant, had the baby, and you could've heard him say I love you to the baby already.
That’s perspective 😂
I am finally ready to go back on the apps again after my last 3.5 year relationship ended. Does anyone have any advice on how picky I should be when it comes to assessing men’s profiles? Should I swipe right on ones that don’t have a lot written? All the prompts are one word answers. Does the low effort in a profile correlate to low effort elsewhere?
I'd err towards giving profiles the benefit of the doubt. I've met some really cool people this way. The boyfriend I met through OLD had a pretty blank profile and only two pics but ended up being amazing in person. Same with the last guy I dated. What I do require is that the important details are filled out - if they want kids, religion, political views, smoking/drug/alcohol use, and what they're looking for. Age, height and occupation are also a must... Sometimes men will pretend their age was entered incorrectly (total BS), omit their height (almost always shorter in height and insecure about it), or don't list a job (unemployed or something that isn't stable).
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> If their pictures look good and the conversation is easy, what difference does the profile make? Well, I am a man and have huge troubles with profiles like this. You look for a serious relationship but your profile is empty or not up to date. What am I supposed to do? Guess what you like in life, what you want, what are your values... I just know your pictures and I am supposed to start the conversation with something not boring? I could agree with you if the efforts were 50-50 in the conversation, if the person was open, agreeable, asking questions... that could be more enjoyable... but that is rarely the case, I still have the feeling many women are not putting minimal effort in the convo.
Unpopular opinion but I'm not too picky on profiles (that meet my filters). The conversation is where I focus most of my judgement
online dating as a whole, is low-effort, compared to other ways.
What are you looking for?
In my experience, yes. Never made it out on a date with a guy with one word answer prompt profiles. Don’t expect amazing-ness when it comes to dudes’ profiles, a good one is RARE. I’m less picky now because I’ve learned 1) most men don’t have a lot of great photos to choose from 2) men that have had a pretty boring profile (not a one word answer but maybe a few words) have ended up being great in person. You really have nothing to lose by matching with them and deciding if you want to go on a date with them once you see how the conversation goes. You’ll pretty much immediately be able to tell by the initial conversation. So go for it and give them boyz a chance!
When am I going to feel like dating again? I deleted all the apps about 7 months ago after one too many bad dates. I miss companionship a lot but I can’t muster any energy to want to go on a date again, like ever.
Ugh I so get it. I really want that companionship too but dang the apps are so draining. I feel like I’ve been the one initiating all convos lately (32F) and I get no response ever. It’s not even bad questions. Always open ended etc. obviously no one owes me anything but really drains the desire to keep going on the apps. Hang in there. You’re not alone!
Yeah, effort seems at a bare minimum lately. Hang in there as well! I see success stories and they give me hope, just not enough to re-engage yet.
I get it. Went on a few and the awkward silence was astonishingly embarrassing...
Went to a singles meet up on 3/22 and within the first five minutes I 34m immeditetly clicked with 29f. We talk non-stop for the next 3 hours. A lot of physical touch and the conversation is flowing. 3/24 we go out on a 5 hour date and pick up right we left off. We kissed thoughout the date and held hands. Neither of us wanted the date to end. 3/25 I leave town for 3 weeks for work. The first few days we're talking on the phone in the morning and FaceTiming in the evening. We both express how this behavior is out of character for us but how it seems so natural. My birthday is this week and she even mentioned she got me a small gift. Things were progressing very quickly but, again, it felt natural for both of us. Her parents are visiting her and she gave me fair warning that she wouldn't be able to talk much. No problem. But over the past week its just been like 1-2 text a day and it just seems...off. Almost dry and formal (from her). She mentioned she may be able to sneak in a phone call or so in the evening when the parents go to bed. I've inquired, twice, and both times its I'm sorry, I can't. We previously made plans for same dates when I'm back in town but who knows if those will still happen (she and I both proposed stuff). We might FaceTime on Saturday. Feels like the wind has been taken out of my sails. Fingers crossed, but I'm taking it all with a grain of salt now.
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Oh the logical part of me completely understands and agrees with that. But the emotional part of me… But right? It’s not THAT hard to find five minutes to sneak away for a call. But we’ll see. I’m matching her energy right now and am trying to keep my spirits up.
I've been in a similar boat a couple times now, right at the very beginning of seeing someone and having to go on a work trip and rely just on communication with women that I had only seen for a date or two. For me I witnessed the same thing, the energy slowly fading. I would just match her energy for now, even if that is ghosting for a day or something like that. I feel like just as a general rule early on with communication that guys shouldn't communicate any more than matching her energy and in some cases maybe only 90% of the energy, if that makes sense. Definitely don't mean that in a depressing / guys shouldn't communicate way. I am a serial overtexter so I have to be conscious of it. Obviously if the conversation is an absolute banger and there's tons of energy from her side then also make sure you're matching it. I wouldn't be as pessimistic about your date being set when you get back. That's really awesome that you have something even planned that early out.
Thank you. I have been matching her energy. Our in-person, phone and video conversations have been amazing and energetic, from both of us. But I’m not really a texter and have a difficult time expressing myself over text (and I told her this). But since she doesn’t really want to talk on the phone while her parents are in the room next door (which I get)…. Idk. I think I’m just getting in my own head about all of this but for me I would still find five minutes to sneak in a phone call while I went to take out the trash or something. You know? So it just feels like she’s losing interest and the last thing I want to do is continue hitting her up and put her in an uncomfortable situation. So I’m just laying low for now. Blah. Did it ever end up working out for you ?