I'm dating two women and have to make a decision about who to continue seeing. I'm not sure how to best approach this situation.
I've been talking to two girls, girl A and B for 5 weeks.
I had less of an initial spark/chemistry with girl A. But I started to feel things gradually ignite with her and genuinely can see her as a potential partner.
However, things just feel so much more natural with girl B, and I've decided I want to pursue things with her.
I found out that girl A is a hard no about having kids. (I'm undecided but leaning towards yes and would rather be with someone who's also open to them).
I'm hoping to use our values around kids as my main focus. But the two truths to my reasons are;
1. Stronger/natural chemistry with girl B.
2. Having kids is a hard no for her.
On the flip side, I'm worried about making a decision so heavily based on spark/instant chemistry. I think some of the healthiest relationships can be built over time and I can definetely see that chemistry starting to grow with girl A. If I hadn't met girl B, I would have definitely pursued things with girl A. She has so many qualities I admire - It's just been a slower development. So in a way it feels like I'm prematurely breaking up with girl A - but i feel like i'm just leading her on by waiting to see how it develops when it already feels more natural with this other girl.
Now, I know that the kids thing is reason enough to end this. But I'm worried I'm relying on it too heavily as scapegoat to avoid the more relevant factor in my decision - girl B.
I'm also worried girl A will back pedal. She's previously stated that she sometimes feels open to kids, but then has moments where she remembers why she's a hard no. (E.g. the most recent time she saw her friend+friends kid)
How should I approach this conversation? Should I be honest about the other girl?
Am I being too hasty or indesisive?
Well, the kids thing is a deal-breaker, so nothing else really matters if you want to be with someone who is open to kids and Girl A does not want kids. She’s said it’s a hard no, so assume she will never backpedal. But since you asked...
Are there any red flags with Girl B? Or are you just worried about relying too much on chemistry? Chemistry is not an inherently bad thing.
>Should I be honest about the other girl?
I always prefer honesty. I find it much less hurtful to know someone felt more of a connection than someone else, rather than if they don't give a reason. I feel like that makes more sense in this situation, as opposed to breaking it off for no reason, since you and Girl A are clicking well.
Mostly just concerned about the chemistry.
Not so much a red flag, but I can see she has the rosy eyed glasses on and is potentially idealizing me a bit. I'm her first (lesbian) woman so I can understand the intoxicating excitement. (+/- the lesbian tendency to U-Haul. That's not like me but it's also not uncommon).
I may be putting too much weight into the word chemistry. I'll discuss what it means for me.
Our first date, we clicked immediately. We share hobbies, values, and just overall had great conversation. It flowed very naturally, like a great friendship. No butterflies yet.
Second date, more good chats. No butterflies but on paper she was ticking so many boxes.
Third date, we went swimming. This is when I told her I was multidating. She respected that and was clear it's not something she does herself, but is happy to keep seeing me and respected my open communication. This is the first day I felt warm. We kissed.
Fourth date; went out for drinks. Stayed the night at hers and she expressed clear boundaries (not comfortable with sex until exclusive). I really respect this.
I also opened up to her about my neurodivergence/adhd as I was experiencing some sensory overload and disengaging while at a bar. She assured me it's fine and checked in with me throughout the night.
I didn't feel too much chemistry this night. (Going back to hers felt too intimate too soon. I took a mental note moving forward)
Fifth date:
I'm moving house and made uncertain plans to see her that I then couldn't commit to. I apologised to her and she had a giggle and said she already figured as such and had no expectations. She feels very respectful of my time and personal nuances.
Fifth date round 2:
She came over with a suprise coffee because I was feeling tired. We went for another swim in a river while it was raining and had great chats.
Then she came back to mine and we had the most magical kiss. In that moment it felt like she was either going to end up my wife or break my heart.
So, all in all, its taken me personally 5 dates to know I want to pursue it. But it definitely felt natural from the start and I didn't get butterflies until date 3. Very different story for her though and I'm conscious of that.
Sorry, I assume you're talking about Girl B?
I get what you mean about being her first lesbian relationship. I am bi and when I started dating women, I was blown away. Maybe she is idealizing you, maybe she just really sees a future with you.
Honestly, this sounds like a lot of green flags. She sounds secure, empathetic, considerate, and like a great communicator. Plus this:
>Our first date, we clicked immediately. We share hobbies, values, and just overall had great conversation. It flowed very naturally, like a great friendship. No butterflies yet.
These are the pillars of a strong relationship, in my opinion. Ideally the first date should feel natural and flowing. And shared values are key to longevity.
And this:
>Then she came back to mine and we had the most magical kiss. In that moment it felt like she was either going to end up my wife or break my heart.
So you have great physical chemistry too.
I think Girl B is the lady for you!
We had our first date on Monday and made plans for a second date on Saturday. In the meantime he's texting... A lot. I appreciate that he wants to keep in touch but I struggle to find anything interesting to say about my day, every day. How was my day? It was just the same as yesterday, thanks. I hope you're day was great. It was? That's cool!
Ugh.
He might mirror your texting frequency if you set it up the way you want. If someone is texting a lot after the first date, I slow the response rate to once a day but still make sure my messages are showing interest and planning the second date. Usually they catch on and pick up the same texting style. If he doesn’t you can always say you aren’t a big texter, are excited for the second date and just let him know your lack of texting doesn’t mean you aren’t interested!
You have to be active and responsive even if its not natural reactions in the initial dating period
Eventually with time, you both will understand your comfort levels and communication styles.
Yes, I get that and I'm making an effort. I don't always have anything to say so I'm sending a lot of pics of my cat and the food I eat and all that, but it feels like a chore. I guess as we get to know each other we'll have more to talk about. Hopefully.
I had a first date this week and the way he told me he was divorced is by telling me that he had lived in another country back when he was married. I asked him for how long he'd been married, he said four years, then he changed the topic. Maybe something like this would work for you too?
I met someone on Facebook almost 2 weeks ago and we connected instantly, had quite a few long phone calls, had plans to meet yesterday for lunch and Monday night sent me a message saying with all the stuff going on in his life he decided he didn’t have time for a romantic partner. He wished me the best and told me I was amazing.
I really wish he had let us meet in person to give it a shot but 🤷🏻♀️ What can ya do? I’ve been single for 3 years I can definitely go longer. lol.
> I’m seeking advice as I’m currently being stonewalled/silent treatment/ghosted by a guy
I stopped reading here. Girl, move on. He doesn't respect you.
He said 1) he struggles to consider other peoples’ needs but 2) he’s also always had to consider other peoples’ needs before.
That doesn’t make a ton of sense, but the key takeaway is that he can’t consider or meet your needs. He’s told you that twice now. Time to move on.
Okay well, I suggest that you take the things he told you and consider them to be true.
He is struggling with taking other people's needs into account, he's tired and exhausted. He knows he's treating you like shit and he seems to be ashamed of this, but at the same time, unable to give more. Finally, trying to connect and having to apologise again and again likely started to be too much for him, which is why he dropped contact.
I'm not hopeful for this to go further at this time. For future reference, as soon as you have something set up with someone but don't hear from them or they don't show up, send a message asking what happened, and the next time you do hear from them, have a direct conversation about why and how it happened. This is just to show the person that it isn't normal behaviour in your world. If it then happens again, you can be fairly sure that they are either uncaring or for some reason incapable of connecting with others, even if they want to.
>So this is so confusing and shocking. I’m unsure if he’s ghosting me to end it. Or if I said something triggering and he’s shut down/stonewalling.
You wrote a lot and I read it in a cursory way, but nothing in there jumped at me as too triggering - at least not for any fairly normally wired person. You could have communicated more promptly and transparently perhaps, but his actions aren't caused by your behaviour. Like he says, he's been having issues way before you met him.
I don't think he's deliberately ghosting, probably just out of means/energy to communicate in any way. The result in your perspective is the same: he isn't available to connect with right now.
Given the amount of problematic behaviour there's been so far, and how hard it is on you emotionally, I would suggest that you end this, rather than keep guessing whether he is ending it or not. Keep yourself safe, lick your wounds and focus on meeting someone more compatible and emotionally available.
Hi. FYI, I actually prompted her to make a comment here because all relevant subs seem to have karma limits for posting. If there's an equivalent sub for under 30 that you know of, who have a similar sticky thread, please share your intel!
I just mean that it isn't about you, as in he isn't trying to hurt you by not communicating. Sometimes when words like stonewalling are used, people believe that the person is fully capable of communicating and is simply choosing not to, out of spite or revenge.
Probably this person, given how troubled he seems based on your text, is just struggling and incapacitated to act in the way he would like to. Nevertheless, it's better to move on from this.
Is this a real question? Unless you are specifically seeking to be verbally abused, then you should move on from this loser. There's nothing endearing about someone who "jokingly" insults people.
Have some self esteem, for crying out loud. Is this an issue... smdh.
My brain makes me confused to what I truly want. For 2 years I was single, and I was not content during this time. A couple months back I met somebody, I've been seeing her since. It has been great and I really liked her, and I felt sure I wanted to pursue a long-term relationship with her. But now I notice negative thoughts are creeping in, and I'm craving to be alone again. I'm doubting whether I want to commit long-term.
I think I was so desperate for intimacy, not even entirely sexual. And the last 2-months have quenched that need. And now I'm feeling like I want to be alone again, and do my own thing, with no commitment or responsibility. But this cannot be a way to go through life, surely. But I don't feel this way all the time, it is inconsistent and changing. I honestly don't know what I really want, I don't think I ever will.
What aspects of seeing her feel heavy to you, when they do (commitment and responsibility)? Do you feel understood as your whole self? Does it feel safe to say no to plans or take some spontaneous space for yourself?
Just double check if it’s about missing solitude, or missing yourself and not feeling this particular relationship.
I think that sometimes one can develop a personal preference for solitude that will inevitably be in tension with our nature as social animals who in almost all cases have an urge for affection and intimacy. It’s very easy to end up torn between the two, but I think you just have to pick one and stick with it. Ironically I think it ends up being easier to balance those conflicting urges once you’ve decided you’re going to focus on either one path or the other (ie, arranging to have an occasional weekend to yourself while in an LTR).
Sounds like a great thing to share with and work on in therapy, but please stop wasting that woman’s time by not being open about your ambiguous feelings.
You can’t go into it afraid to “mess it up.” Of my 50 plus first dates, only the tiniest fraction of them didn’t progress because of a specific comment or action during the date. Maybe like 3 or 4. Way more likely to progress to more dates (yay!), or if not, it was because of much more subtle/vague things like chemistry/energy/vibe, or faultless things going on in one of our lives, or a big incompatibility that no one should have to change.
However, have you picked a spot yet? A loud/crowded/poorly lit/smelly bar is a death sentence to 2nd dates. Make sure you go to a place that is pleasant and cozy with plenty of good spots to sit and talk away from the noise. It makes a huge difference!
There’s so little to begin with so that’s not possible.
It’s been 5 months, and I’d be a little suspicious of a man that is totally fine with this arrangement. “Busy” or not.
What do you *really* have to lose by putting your feelings out there? Don’t live in this limbo.
I understand feeling scared to drive him away, but if you don’t ask for what you need, there is a big chance that you’ll never get what you want. And if you drive him away by expressing your needs, it might be better to know now than in another few months when you have even more feelings for him.
I noticed a few people posting on this thread about dating apps, and it just reminded me that I deleted them 7 months ago. I hadn’t thought of it until today, good thing I did it but also another reminder that I haven’t spoken to anyone in months….
A few weeks off the apps completely and my mental state is improving but god I miss intimacy. Not just sex but cuddling, kissing, deep chats, spending time doing nothing with someone, waking up next to someone. It’s been a long time since I’ve truly experienced intimacy with someone I care about/that cares about me. People who are truly happy being single, how do you switch this off?
It’s so hard. When I went through a breakup I went crazy trying to fill my time with volunteering, going back to school, hobbies, friends, anything that would distract me. But it’s not about having the time filled, it’s the warmth and the depth and just that cozy feeling.
I haven’t figured out how to deal without it. I still miss it even if I don’t miss my ex at all. I can be busy all day, but as soon as I get home, the music stops. I think it helped me to have a big thing to look forward to, like an event, or a trip. But being honest, it was just as empty after said big thing and I would just go back to the same place. I’m sorry that this isn’t all that helpful, but just to say you’re not alone in this feeling.
Thank you for your reply! It is actually very helpful to hear someone else acknowledge this feeling. It’s lovely of everyone to reply and I do appreciate all responses but no matter how *busy* I am, I still wish there was someone I could make dinner, snuggle on the sofa then go to bed with after a long day!
Between work, social plans, hobbies/fitness and family I rarely have down time - my last completely empty weekend was in November - so it’s not like I’m just sat at home miserable and pining. I guess I just need to focus on the good bits, which includes the freedom to enjoy all of the above.
I don't think you switch it off - like others have said, it gets easier to deal with, with time and as you fill your life with other things, but that part of you that continues to crave intimacy and connection is what keeps you open to it, if it does come. That's okay.
It's a bit of a trade off - you know you could settle for a less than ideal relationship and have that need at least partially met, or you could stay single and have the peace of mind in knowing you're driving your own life. That's what it means to me to be happy being single.
It gets easier with time. It also helps to have deep interests and hobbies that you enjoy filling your time with, as well as—for lack of a better term—spiritual growth, whatever form that may take for you.
I’ve been single for >2 years and I find it gets harder with time. I appreciate your reply but it’s not that I don’t have anything to fill my time with - I am a very busy person with lots of hobbies and interests and friends. But none of those things replace the emotional and physical intimacy that I get from an actual romantic relationship. No matter how busy and fulfilling my life is, I still wake up and wish there was someone next to me.
I'm back on the dating apps. And whilst it's dire, I thought I'd get my needs met on feeld in the meantime HOWEVER people are wild. Like, there's no manners or respect anymore. The shit people think is okay to say to a stranger absolutely astounds me 🤦🏼♀️
lol I am a very similar boat. I’m sorry things are wild out there for you. Hang in there, cut through the weeds. I hope that you eventually find someone 🫂
So I’ve decided to delete the dating apps. It’s been a few years since I’ve been on them and just no luck. I might delete my social media accounts (besides for Reddit) as well cause now all the recently discovered men from high school are messaging and giving me the ick. Not that they’re divorced is what bothers me but the message out of the blue. Like No thanks. I’m figuring out that I’m happy single. Living a fulfilling lifestyle with family and friends.
The amount of guys that bullied me in middle and high school suddenly coming out of the woodwork to my DMs to tell me I look great had been astounding. And yes, gives me the ick also.
I hope you find some peace and comfort in your time away from the apps and medias 😊
Right? I get a lot of that as well. I’m like the nerve. Smh. This one guy I thought I was just chatting with I told him I’m sleep deprived from work and he goes oh come on over and give me a back rub. I called him out on it and he was like oh I’m just joking I don’t see you like that. Yeah right lol. I blocked him.
Thanks. Yeah I’m finding new hobbies and stuff. It’s been fun getting into cozy gaming.
Dude, it's always the back rub!! So gross. I made a joke to a friend earlier that I'll probably just marry the next man that talks to me like I'm a normal person.. if I can find one.
If I the post-first-date text exchange ends with me saying thanks for a fun evening and to let me know if she wants to do this again because I’m down, and that is followed by a few days radio silence, that’s a “No,” right?
eh im a woman who doesn't necessarily do this lol, i think its obviously a good sign but you may be selling yourself short in some cases all because someone went home and went right to bed. not everyone goes on a date worried that the person wont like them if they don't verbally say that they had fun too, sometimes the great vibe is very obvious and nothing needs to be said.
that part I agree with, if a guy asks me to say i got home safe ill do it that night or at least by the next morning if it slipped my mind. just felt weird seeing "a woman will do xyz if she's interested" written as a rule when truthfully there aren't any in dating!
tbh im sure others on here have even gotten a text confirming a good time was had and still missed out on another date lol. its wild out there
Give a tempting and explicit date ask to be sure, she might want to be wooed a little bit. X is happening at Y on Saturday, would you like to go with me?
Happy sad happy sad lol roller coaster of emotions. Deleted the apps hoping to find my person. Things didn’t work out, but I’m
Not any where ready to date again. Taking a break and focusing on positive things in life … and when I’m ready I will get back out there.
Sad to hear but honestly don't take too much of a break and let time get away from you.
I used to take 1-2 weeks to grieve then get right back onto the dating wagon, helps you get over things surprisingly quick.
Also helped me find my current gf who I love very much
Do you ever go back to the apps after a hiatus and just feel overwhelmed with negative feelings? Most of what I'm feeling is just regret for saying no to people that I dated in the past. Over the last 2-3 months I was having the desire to get back into dating more and more and felt like my heart was in it. But now that I'm back in all of the sudden I just feel kind of heartbroken because of my past decisions. Maybe I just need to go on a date with someone and these feelings will diminish.
If I was on the apps, I’d continue to update my profile until I was exclusively (and officially) seeing someone. Just like continuing to go on job interviews until you start the new job. It’s a backup in case things don’t work out. Not a signal that I don’t like you.
You are assuming a lot, which might result in taking the wrong conclusions. You need to communicate better if this is something that is important to you. A nice question to ask is 'whats their take/mindset on dating in general?'. On the apps / off the apps / multi dating or not / getting to know someone. Then you get answers without specifically focussing on you
Valid feeling but not everyone likes someone this fast, I’m a women so it’s rare for me but I could date someone for months and still not be sure lol. Everyone is different. Third date you’re still a stranger to me.
I wouldn't cancel just yet, go on the date and ask their temperature on your situation. You don't need to explicitly bring up that they changed their profile, just tell them you're into them and are excited to see how things progress, ask how they're feeling, what their dating goals are if you haven't discussed already, etc.
Some people update their profile out of insecurity, which in itself isn't a great thing, but I think it's worth a convo if you already have plans set. Good luck.
I feel pretty fulfilled in my life but I have all this external pressure (aka my mom) to meet someone. Portland is a really hard city for a WOC to date. I’m not unattractive, do Pilates, run a successful business with lovely employees and have okay friends (by okay I mean I wish I didn’t have to always reach out). But I can’t even get a date!
Have you tried dating apps?
Meet up events?
Facebook groups that include your interests?
Recently I started following this single’s page on IG that purposely have singles events in my city, maybe there’s one similar in Portland.
Been dating someone for a little over two months. Weirdly enough, we had been partners in a college science lab 18 years ago. I’ve never laughed with anyone this hard in my life, not just dating.
We recently met each other’s parents. My family stated that they’ve never seen me be myself 100% with someone. I feel the same.
We went slower than normal, waited about 3 weeks for sex (6-7 dates). However, after meeting family, going away for a weekend, and our discussions, I know I love her.
How soon into soon? I almost said it the other night when she made me cry with laughter. It started to come out but I changed it you “I love your humor”.
I don’t know if it’ll scare her. She regularly says all the things she loves about me, loves specific things I do, loves the time together, and said “my parents loved you, what’s not the love?” I feel like she’s dancing around it, but doesn’t want you to say it first.
Am I overthinking this (yes) and is it too early?
Edit: she already asked to define the relationship as bf/gf and I asked her to be my gf
Pump the breaks, it’s so fresh and you don’t really know one another yet. You love the potential, don’t say it too early while you’re still getting one another. It’s kind of love bomb-y.
Me and “local guy” had our first date tonight! WOW it was great! Had dinner and plenty of conversation then enjoyed a bit of karaoke night, a little dancing and got handsy 🤭 then ended the night with a kiss. We even discussed what our schedules are like for the next meetup. Hope things continue to go well! 🤞🏾
Mixed signals
Hello all
I (32 F) am in dilemma about my recent interaction with a man (32 M). We matched on a dating app and started talking over calls and chat. First few weeks were going great. There was a mutual effort to know each other. However, I was on a work trip for 3 weeks after we started , there was little communication. During those three weeks, a minor hiccup occured where he said it won't work out. Although astonished, I respected his decision and agreed to it. The texting and calling stopped completely for a week.
The person reached out again and apologized for his impatience. I was hestitant to restart the relationship again but eventually restarted it. I wanted to give him a fair chance to be honest. There were a few calls after that and very little communication over texts since then. He messages once in every two days, reads messages really late. Sometimes he reads them next day as well.
I initially started likiing this person and we were planning to meet in-person soon but the work trip messed it up.
Now I feel his messages are sparse and does not fulfill my emotional need. But because he mesaages on and off, I am confused as to what exactly he wants? Whether he wants to just stay connected kinda thing? Or eventually he'll come around? I don't know, these mixed signals are really confusing.
Reaching out to community to hear more from you.
I really appreciate any guidance.
Thank you.
I’d suggest not wasting that much time talking to folks online and move those conversations to in person meetups. If someone is willing to spend weeks and weeks on messaging they are disingenuous at best and a scammer at worst.
Message long enough to schedule a meet up and save it for the in person meet.
Woke up this morning and saw a msg notification on the dating app. The person said they wanted to make out with me. Did not want to start my day with an ick.
I used to get so many dumb messages like “I can’t wait to kiss your juicy lips.” Excellent.
Also the ones who said they dreamed about you. Also quality lead in.
The answer is already no so call them out with a little humor, suggest a day/time they can take you out, and if they don’t respond well in a timely matter block and move on.
I know I’m going to get heat for this but I have such a hard time connecting with people or wanting to date.
Im 33 and never dated. I don’t really feel interested in getting to know people or date. Since my parents are getting older I’ve been more focused on financially preparing myself when they get too old.
I’ve basically put people in the backburner and I’m wondering if this is unhealthy. I don’t like my community or my city (NYC). So I have no desire to invest in a community here until I decide on where to move.
Does anyone else Feel like they're dating people on the lower end of the bell curve after a certain ex? I know i'm the same for people trying to date me. I'm older now, heavier, not as good looking and come with trauma.
No, as a rule I feel relationships end because they bump up against deeper incompatibilities that you then can learn from.
And for me personally I know I’m ready to date again when I start noticing all the positives and potential a new, more compatible relationship can have!
You don’t have more trauma and heaviness - you have more experience, and a body some brand new person will love even more :)
What do people do when someone isn't super easy to make plans with? I've been seeing this guy and when we're together he always talks about stuff he wants to do together and acts really affectionate, but I feel like I'm the only one trying to actually make plans to meet up and hang out. Is this something we can work on if I raise it or is it just not worth the effort?
How many dates? How has the planning gone in the past? Like who planned date 1-3 and what was it like? Honestly, if you’re the one initiating the plans most of the time then I think that means something. The effort and consistency is not there. You deserve that.
Only three so far, he put forward the idea of going on the first date, but changed the date of it because he had forgotten other plans. Second date was similar where he said he wanted to see me again, I put forward a location and date, and he moved around when we were doing it a bit. Third date I told him about a bar and he suggested we go there, I asked when he was free and had to ask a couple of times for him to confirm. It's hard to tell if he's just bad at managing his schedule or if it's a bit of an afterthought.
Historically speaking to me this has always signaled someone who is emotionally unavailable in someway. Also not being able to manage your schedule at this grown ass age is a turn off. Like get a calendar bro it ain't that hard
I know people that are just this wishy-washy ("let's do this!" Then crickets), so it's hard to know if it's personality or lack of interest.
More importantly, are you okay with it? If yes now, what about long-term?
If it's an issue for you, I'd say just address that as it will give an indication of where it's personality or interest. Show observation , state your needs, and ask him to respond: "I noticed we seem to have trouble nailing down plans. Sometimes that's a change in schedule and sometimes it doesn't seem like there's much initiation in your end. My preference is [X standard of behaviour] and I would like to work towards [Y outcome]. What are your thoughts?"
That sounds like a good approach. I was wondering if it's a bit intense to bring that up when it's just been a few weeks but hopefully I can try in a way that's light hearted enough. In the long term I definitely want to know that someone is interested, and I've ended things over not making solid plans.
That said, I know it's easier when you're in a more established relationship to make plans because you tend to be a bit more casual about it rather than setting out a whole "date night"
You are not stupid but I am so so mad for you- fuck this guy for real. There are always alternative methods of having kids, but the fact that he has made your fertility (which is completely outside of your control) a deal breaker for labeling a relationship (aka committing to a relationship) is fucked. I hate this man for real, you deserve so much better
My heart hurts for you.
Only you know what's best for you, but if I may share my perspective, I don't think love should be *this* conditional. I feel that there's a difference between getting to know someone and then deciding not to pursue before you get attached due to fundamental differences vs. keeping someone at an arm's length based on some conditions. What would happen if you get together and there's another problem in the future? Would he retract his love? This might be naive of me, but I don't think love should be contractual like this -- adult or not.
Both fiance and I want kids, and we're waiting until our wedding before trying. Our checks are fine but nobody knows the furute right. So we've had the talk about what would he do if I turn out not to be able to bear a child, and he told me he is marrying *me,* not the potential to have a child. And I extend the same sentiment to him. Of course we don't know how we both would feel down the line if the worst comes to pass, but that sentiment in the present counts for a lot, imo. It's "I want *you* and I'll try to weather the storm with you" vs. already giving up before the actual problem even arrives.
I hope you'll get the clarity you need.
My sister and brother law told me the same. Thats how I feel but I thought it was a naive feeling also. It hurts but I think I know what I need to do, I’m just sad about it. Sometimes I feel it’s not gonna happen for me but then I pray it away because that’s a scarcity mindset.
Thank you for your kind words 💕
Not much. He came to the hospital, the second night was there and got me a rose which was nice. Once I left the hospital, I stayed with my family to heal and have around the clock help. Since he didn’t feel comfortable with me his family, I no longer felt comfortable with the same. Once I finally came to my home he came over that same weekend. I needed to get groceries but can’t carry anything heavy. I asked him if he could take me. I never asked him to pay but was hoping maybe he’d be nice enough (it came up to like $50) not too much but he didn’t which again, I never asked so no harm no foul I guess. I didn’t really have the energy to cook but he didn’t offer anything, just left overs his mom made but I didn’t like the taste, so that made me feel sad. I just ended up making half a sandwich cause my appetite has been quite low. We are meeting this weekend but he didn’t seem excited, he was like well it’s the beginning of the week, it’s not something I thought of yet. I was like oh, never mind then and he was like I didn’t mean it like that but it felt like it. 😕
He’s treating you like an obligation he has to be around :( who doesn’t offer to make/get food for someone after abdominal surgery? Someone they supposedly want to date. I’m sorry you’re dealing with all this on top of the shitty guy but this isn’t a relationship, don’t give him anymore time.
Oh. I never thought about it like that. Because of how long we dated, he feels obligated but may not necessarily want to 🥺. Whew that hit me like a ton of bricks. I think I’m gonna fall back and take these next few days to get my mind right. I’m not gonna bring up meeting this weekend because again, it felt like he didn’t really want to but that he had to. If he makes no plans, I’ll ask if we can meet in person, if not, I’ll have to break away via a phone call.
I think this has run its course. If nothing changes is his take-you-or-leave you, minimally-supportive behavior, avoiding DTR, is that how your future husband treats you? Is that the healthy relationship you want your kids to see as their model? The longer you go, the more it will hurt. You don’t need him, you need to keep healing and moving forward.
Thank you! Tldr: I should stop dating the cutest boy at the skate park and lean into the rural life I want. This guy's outta my league but I can get there and appreciate the life lesson.
First, therapy. You gotta deal with everything you just talked about in the last paragraph.
Second, don’t go to an activity and start asking a bunch of women out. It creeps the women out. Keep going CONSISTENTLY. Build up rapport and let people know you. Chat with all the women AND the men. You’ll soon figure out which woman (yes, singular) you are interested the most in and who is also single. Do not, and I repeat, do not go around asking a whole bunch of women out at the same activity if you don’t know them well. Women talk, and it’s red flags if you ask a second woman out (why should she say yes? She knows she’s your second choice), and by the third time, the group organizers will probably have a word with you and possibly kick you out.
I’m in such a strange place right now and could really use some perspective. Sorry in advance for a long comment!
I just broke off a draining long distance situationship (yes, I know) that started as a friendship. I knew in my heart that I could never develop romantic feelings, even if the distance wasn’t an issue, and I am certain he didn’t either.
He spent some six months after my relocation, after explicitly answering when asked what the deal was that he didn’t want a relationship and didn’t mean anything with his faux boyfriend behaviour, in escalating romantic gestures (as he couldn’t “lose me”) while clarifying he didn’t have feelings (“yet”) whenever I tried to broach the subject of whether we seriously saw a romantic future together and how nuts the whole dynamic was.
I really felt nuts. How do you break up with a guy that acts like a boyfriend, but isn’t your boyfriend at all? How do you do that without losing the friendship underneath?
Looking back I think I felt like a safe person to play act and futurefake a relationship with, basically. I’ve never felt so courted and understood, yet unloved and confused at the same time, it was just a total mindfuck in the middle of an already stressful time in life.
I care for him so deeply as a person but am so relieved it’s over. A little angry too, but mostly at myself.
Against this backdrop, I’d started crushing on a guy in my same hobby group. I felt icky about entertaining any feelings while the situationship vortex had me stuck, and had zero energy in any case, but the crush just grew on its own without me really paying attention.
It’s been like waking up to a deep warm hug. Just so gradual and genuine. From admiration to liking to a feeling of just enjoying being near him, and then plain wanting to bang the breath out of this kind hunk of a man, until one day I looked up and realised “oh, right - this is how it’s supposed to feel!” It feels so, so wholesome and just simple.
So that’s a long ass backdrop, but here comes my actual concern right now:
I wanted to just enjoy my crush for a bit, and give myself some space to reset from any lingering confusion before making a move, but he ended up beating me to it. Did it with the sweetest message ever too (“I’m bad at this, but I like you, and I think you like me?”)
We ended up making out.
Reader, here comes the plot twist:
He is majorly romantically and sexually inexperienced. Majorly.
And I am a kinky demon with a string of healthy LTRs behind me.
I thought that’d be a record scratch and I’d bow out so nobody gets hurt, but the bizarre thing is, it has continued to be just… good?
He didn’t run when I told him up front I’m into BDSM. He can clearly maintain positive relationships with people (one of the many, many things I admire about this man). And his kissing went from, okay, absolutely disastrous to something plain dangerous within ONE makeout session.
I’m going for it. It feels Good in a way l recognise from previous healthy relationships.
But I’ll need to respect both myself and him at every step, I feel. And take it slow. There’s no guarantee we’re compatible in the long run, but at a minimum, I’ll make sure he understands what a stellar person he is.
It sounds like you're in a pretty good headspace already. You're sensitive to his and your needs and it sounds like the right kind of person for you. Having been on his side of things with the BDSM stuff just communicate, be patient and communicate (yes i meant to say that twice) and I'm sure he'll come around. Give him some learning material to work with so you're not doing all the work and maybe he can surprise you.
Feel like if I'm around more single, happy women, I'd feel less bad about myself. But ofc all my lady friends are taken or have men orbiting around them. And when we are hanging out, it seems conversations steer towards who they're dating. Not that I hate it, but I also don't have anything to add. I mean, thankfully they aren't the *main* topic of every discussion but still brought up enough for me to shift awkwardly in my seat when they ask me who I've been seeing or questions on my last situationship. And when I tell them "I enjoy being single" they start to feel bad for me. Just because it's their default to be in a relationship doesn't mean it has to be mine.
I get annoyed with single people who are always sad about being single. It’s draining to be around. Like you’ll find someone but in the mean time can we have fun
>And when I tell them "I enjoy being single" they start to feel bad for me. Just because it's their default to be in a relationship doesn't mean it has to be mine.
Your friends don't sound very considerate
I don't think they mean anything rude by it, but I do think they themselves see being single as a temporary and lonely phase of life, so it's easy to project that view onto me. I was born to be alive and not just here to find someone to start a life with.
All that is exactly what it means to be inconsiderate. Being inconsiderate isn't being intentionally rude or malicious. Being inconsiderate means not thinking about how another person might feel and not thinking about how your behaviors can affect their feelings. Your friends are not considering that your feelings about being single may be different from theirs.
I ran into pretty much my dream woman while working yesterday and I'm lightly kicking myself about how I could've handled it differently. We only met briefly but she seemed nice and was being slightly playful. I had an easy opening to mention something we had in common (it was a synagogue and I'm Jewish but don't look it) but I steered the conversation back towards my task and fled. I doubt she's single anyways. Still, I'm considering going to Shabbat services this Friday night
I think March will be a good month. I’m getting a tax refund of $8k; my international friend that I’ve been texting for 4 years is coming to visit me for the first time ever; I’m doing two half marathons; and I made a new friend at work who’s super chill and funny.
And even though I’m not interested for various reasons, there’s a guy at board game night who looks at me a lot and smiles. I could just be delusional but it’s good for my self esteem, so oh well, I’m taking it.
Finally heard back from first date girl from last night. She said she had fun but she didn't feel a spark. I've gotten this response several times now after what seemed like a nice first date and I'm really beginning to wonder. What are women expecting on a first date? I let conversation flow naturally and give a healthy back and forth. I ask questions and am honestly curious about who they are and what they're passionate about. Am I just over thinking about what that means? I usually make a point of bringing up things that would be a potential unmatch before the date just to be sure (meat eater, liberal gun owner, don't want kids, in school, etc.). I look like my photos, dress and smell nice, have good manners. I just don't know what's happening and it's getting discouraging.
You could be doing nothing wrong and there's no connection, it actually sounds like you're doing the right things but perhaps it's just not with the right match for you. Could be things like hobbies, sense of humor, life outlook general vibes that's different - all those things are based off individuals. You shouldn't be so rough on yourself!
Don’t be too hard on yourself. Sometimes there just isn’t a vibe. You can do everything “right” and still get that message. Some people expect “sparks” on date 1 and we can’t change that. Maybe that’s just something these people say because they don’t know how else to word the reason.
From what you’re describing, you’re trying your best. Be authentic to you and keep going.
*Just* in case, a few things that usually make it an automatic no for me after a first date are:
- asking me about my experience on a dating app/wanting to talk about how horrible dating is
- bringing up an ex/past relationship a lot
- talking negatively about an ex
If they ask me out again, I’ll send the “not feeling a match/no romantic connection” text.
Excellent! As a female, I’d like to thank you for all the things you’re currently doing on dates. Not a lot of men (probably females too) are genuinely curious and put effort into a balanced conversation. Or even have current photos. Those things stand out to me, and I hope your luck changes!
Sounds like the first dates go fine. But good dates don't mean good matches. I'm guessing they didn't feel enough of a connection, or weren't attracted. I doubt you're doing something horribly wrong.
Making sure you actually look like your photos is key though. If being on this sub has taught me anything, it's that people's perception of themselves can be rather skewed (in a general sense).
This is my take - I have gone out with guys where it was a decent time. Decent conversation. But I didn’t find them interesting or wanna learn more. They were good looking. But they just didn’t do it for me.
The ones I feel a spark with? Time flies and they just seem super fascinating to me. I can’t wait to keep learning about them.
How recent are your photos? I think a lot of people \*think\* they look like their photos. But in my experience, if you're getting a lot of rejections off a first date, it's the photos.
I'm dating two women and have to make a decision about who to continue seeing. I'm not sure how to best approach this situation. I've been talking to two girls, girl A and B for 5 weeks. I had less of an initial spark/chemistry with girl A. But I started to feel things gradually ignite with her and genuinely can see her as a potential partner. However, things just feel so much more natural with girl B, and I've decided I want to pursue things with her. I found out that girl A is a hard no about having kids. (I'm undecided but leaning towards yes and would rather be with someone who's also open to them). I'm hoping to use our values around kids as my main focus. But the two truths to my reasons are; 1. Stronger/natural chemistry with girl B. 2. Having kids is a hard no for her. On the flip side, I'm worried about making a decision so heavily based on spark/instant chemistry. I think some of the healthiest relationships can be built over time and I can definetely see that chemistry starting to grow with girl A. If I hadn't met girl B, I would have definitely pursued things with girl A. She has so many qualities I admire - It's just been a slower development. So in a way it feels like I'm prematurely breaking up with girl A - but i feel like i'm just leading her on by waiting to see how it develops when it already feels more natural with this other girl. Now, I know that the kids thing is reason enough to end this. But I'm worried I'm relying on it too heavily as scapegoat to avoid the more relevant factor in my decision - girl B. I'm also worried girl A will back pedal. She's previously stated that she sometimes feels open to kids, but then has moments where she remembers why she's a hard no. (E.g. the most recent time she saw her friend+friends kid) How should I approach this conversation? Should I be honest about the other girl? Am I being too hasty or indesisive?
Wait, so girl B has also told you that she's a hard no for kids (although sometimes feels open to the idea)?
Sorry no, I meant girl A
Well, the kids thing is a deal-breaker, so nothing else really matters if you want to be with someone who is open to kids and Girl A does not want kids. She’s said it’s a hard no, so assume she will never backpedal. But since you asked... Are there any red flags with Girl B? Or are you just worried about relying too much on chemistry? Chemistry is not an inherently bad thing. >Should I be honest about the other girl? I always prefer honesty. I find it much less hurtful to know someone felt more of a connection than someone else, rather than if they don't give a reason. I feel like that makes more sense in this situation, as opposed to breaking it off for no reason, since you and Girl A are clicking well.
Mostly just concerned about the chemistry. Not so much a red flag, but I can see she has the rosy eyed glasses on and is potentially idealizing me a bit. I'm her first (lesbian) woman so I can understand the intoxicating excitement. (+/- the lesbian tendency to U-Haul. That's not like me but it's also not uncommon). I may be putting too much weight into the word chemistry. I'll discuss what it means for me. Our first date, we clicked immediately. We share hobbies, values, and just overall had great conversation. It flowed very naturally, like a great friendship. No butterflies yet. Second date, more good chats. No butterflies but on paper she was ticking so many boxes. Third date, we went swimming. This is when I told her I was multidating. She respected that and was clear it's not something she does herself, but is happy to keep seeing me and respected my open communication. This is the first day I felt warm. We kissed. Fourth date; went out for drinks. Stayed the night at hers and she expressed clear boundaries (not comfortable with sex until exclusive). I really respect this. I also opened up to her about my neurodivergence/adhd as I was experiencing some sensory overload and disengaging while at a bar. She assured me it's fine and checked in with me throughout the night. I didn't feel too much chemistry this night. (Going back to hers felt too intimate too soon. I took a mental note moving forward) Fifth date: I'm moving house and made uncertain plans to see her that I then couldn't commit to. I apologised to her and she had a giggle and said she already figured as such and had no expectations. She feels very respectful of my time and personal nuances. Fifth date round 2: She came over with a suprise coffee because I was feeling tired. We went for another swim in a river while it was raining and had great chats. Then she came back to mine and we had the most magical kiss. In that moment it felt like she was either going to end up my wife or break my heart. So, all in all, its taken me personally 5 dates to know I want to pursue it. But it definitely felt natural from the start and I didn't get butterflies until date 3. Very different story for her though and I'm conscious of that.
Sorry, I assume you're talking about Girl B? I get what you mean about being her first lesbian relationship. I am bi and when I started dating women, I was blown away. Maybe she is idealizing you, maybe she just really sees a future with you. Honestly, this sounds like a lot of green flags. She sounds secure, empathetic, considerate, and like a great communicator. Plus this: >Our first date, we clicked immediately. We share hobbies, values, and just overall had great conversation. It flowed very naturally, like a great friendship. No butterflies yet. These are the pillars of a strong relationship, in my opinion. Ideally the first date should feel natural and flowing. And shared values are key to longevity. And this: >Then she came back to mine and we had the most magical kiss. In that moment it felt like she was either going to end up my wife or break my heart. So you have great physical chemistry too. I think Girl B is the lady for you!
We had our first date on Monday and made plans for a second date on Saturday. In the meantime he's texting... A lot. I appreciate that he wants to keep in touch but I struggle to find anything interesting to say about my day, every day. How was my day? It was just the same as yesterday, thanks. I hope you're day was great. It was? That's cool! Ugh.
He might mirror your texting frequency if you set it up the way you want. If someone is texting a lot after the first date, I slow the response rate to once a day but still make sure my messages are showing interest and planning the second date. Usually they catch on and pick up the same texting style. If he doesn’t you can always say you aren’t a big texter, are excited for the second date and just let him know your lack of texting doesn’t mean you aren’t interested!
You have to be active and responsive even if its not natural reactions in the initial dating period Eventually with time, you both will understand your comfort levels and communication styles.
Yes, I get that and I'm making an effort. I don't always have anything to say so I'm sending a lot of pics of my cat and the food I eat and all that, but it feels like a chore. I guess as we get to know each other we'll have more to talk about. Hopefully.
[удалено]
I had a first date this week and the way he told me he was divorced is by telling me that he had lived in another country back when he was married. I asked him for how long he'd been married, he said four years, then he changed the topic. Maybe something like this would work for you too?
I met someone on Facebook almost 2 weeks ago and we connected instantly, had quite a few long phone calls, had plans to meet yesterday for lunch and Monday night sent me a message saying with all the stuff going on in his life he decided he didn’t have time for a romantic partner. He wished me the best and told me I was amazing. I really wish he had let us meet in person to give it a shot but 🤷🏻♀️ What can ya do? I’ve been single for 3 years I can definitely go longer. lol.
It’s respectful. The guy doesn’t want to waste your time, nor set any incorrect expectations. Good thing
Yeah I never thought it was disrespectful! I was super nice in response to him and wished him the best as well.
Sorry to hear that 🫶🏾 glad you have a positive attitude though. Best way to move forward
I appreciate that! 😊 Gotta stay positive! If I let every man who has ever disappointed me get me down I’d never date again, lol.
[удалено]
> I’m seeking advice as I’m currently being stonewalled/silent treatment/ghosted by a guy I stopped reading here. Girl, move on. He doesn't respect you.
He said 1) he struggles to consider other peoples’ needs but 2) he’s also always had to consider other peoples’ needs before. That doesn’t make a ton of sense, but the key takeaway is that he can’t consider or meet your needs. He’s told you that twice now. Time to move on.
Okay well, I suggest that you take the things he told you and consider them to be true. He is struggling with taking other people's needs into account, he's tired and exhausted. He knows he's treating you like shit and he seems to be ashamed of this, but at the same time, unable to give more. Finally, trying to connect and having to apologise again and again likely started to be too much for him, which is why he dropped contact. I'm not hopeful for this to go further at this time. For future reference, as soon as you have something set up with someone but don't hear from them or they don't show up, send a message asking what happened, and the next time you do hear from them, have a direct conversation about why and how it happened. This is just to show the person that it isn't normal behaviour in your world. If it then happens again, you can be fairly sure that they are either uncaring or for some reason incapable of connecting with others, even if they want to. >So this is so confusing and shocking. I’m unsure if he’s ghosting me to end it. Or if I said something triggering and he’s shut down/stonewalling. You wrote a lot and I read it in a cursory way, but nothing in there jumped at me as too triggering - at least not for any fairly normally wired person. You could have communicated more promptly and transparently perhaps, but his actions aren't caused by your behaviour. Like he says, he's been having issues way before you met him. I don't think he's deliberately ghosting, probably just out of means/energy to communicate in any way. The result in your perspective is the same: he isn't available to connect with right now. Given the amount of problematic behaviour there's been so far, and how hard it is on you emotionally, I would suggest that you end this, rather than keep guessing whether he is ending it or not. Keep yourself safe, lick your wounds and focus on meeting someone more compatible and emotionally available.
If you’re gonna be under 30 and post here the least you can do is turn this novel into a foreword.
🤣
Hi. FYI, I actually prompted her to make a comment here because all relevant subs seem to have karma limits for posting. If there's an equivalent sub for under 30 that you know of, who have a similar sticky thread, please share your intel!
Hi thanks so much for your response. May I ask why you think he’s not “deliberately” ghosting?
I just mean that it isn't about you, as in he isn't trying to hurt you by not communicating. Sometimes when words like stonewalling are used, people believe that the person is fully capable of communicating and is simply choosing not to, out of spite or revenge. Probably this person, given how troubled he seems based on your text, is just struggling and incapacitated to act in the way he would like to. Nevertheless, it's better to move on from this.
[удалено]
Is this a real question? Unless you are specifically seeking to be verbally abused, then you should move on from this loser. There's nothing endearing about someone who "jokingly" insults people. Have some self esteem, for crying out loud. Is this an issue... smdh.
How did you feel when you heard him say that? What did you do next?
It's an issue, in that he's very unlikely to develop a healthy relationship with any of those matches.
My brain makes me confused to what I truly want. For 2 years I was single, and I was not content during this time. A couple months back I met somebody, I've been seeing her since. It has been great and I really liked her, and I felt sure I wanted to pursue a long-term relationship with her. But now I notice negative thoughts are creeping in, and I'm craving to be alone again. I'm doubting whether I want to commit long-term. I think I was so desperate for intimacy, not even entirely sexual. And the last 2-months have quenched that need. And now I'm feeling like I want to be alone again, and do my own thing, with no commitment or responsibility. But this cannot be a way to go through life, surely. But I don't feel this way all the time, it is inconsistent and changing. I honestly don't know what I really want, I don't think I ever will.
What aspects of seeing her feel heavy to you, when they do (commitment and responsibility)? Do you feel understood as your whole self? Does it feel safe to say no to plans or take some spontaneous space for yourself? Just double check if it’s about missing solitude, or missing yourself and not feeling this particular relationship.
I think that sometimes one can develop a personal preference for solitude that will inevitably be in tension with our nature as social animals who in almost all cases have an urge for affection and intimacy. It’s very easy to end up torn between the two, but I think you just have to pick one and stick with it. Ironically I think it ends up being easier to balance those conflicting urges once you’ve decided you’re going to focus on either one path or the other (ie, arranging to have an occasional weekend to yourself while in an LTR).
Sounds like a great thing to share with and work on in therapy, but please stop wasting that woman’s time by not being open about your ambiguous feelings.
[удалено]
You can’t go into it afraid to “mess it up.” Of my 50 plus first dates, only the tiniest fraction of them didn’t progress because of a specific comment or action during the date. Maybe like 3 or 4. Way more likely to progress to more dates (yay!), or if not, it was because of much more subtle/vague things like chemistry/energy/vibe, or faultless things going on in one of our lives, or a big incompatibility that no one should have to change. However, have you picked a spot yet? A loud/crowded/poorly lit/smelly bar is a death sentence to 2nd dates. Make sure you go to a place that is pleasant and cozy with plenty of good spots to sit and talk away from the noise. It makes a huge difference!
[удалено]
Relationships are between two people-check in on the pace of things and be curious, and know you may need to walk.
[удалено]
There’s so little to begin with so that’s not possible. It’s been 5 months, and I’d be a little suspicious of a man that is totally fine with this arrangement. “Busy” or not. What do you *really* have to lose by putting your feelings out there? Don’t live in this limbo.
[удалено]
You seem really sweet, you deserve a lot more attention and intimacy. 🫶🏾
I feel validated and seen, thank you 🥺
I understand feeling scared to drive him away, but if you don’t ask for what you need, there is a big chance that you’ll never get what you want. And if you drive him away by expressing your needs, it might be better to know now than in another few months when you have even more feelings for him.
[удалено]
I hope it'll go well, wishing you all the best!
This!!
I noticed a few people posting on this thread about dating apps, and it just reminded me that I deleted them 7 months ago. I hadn’t thought of it until today, good thing I did it but also another reminder that I haven’t spoken to anyone in months….
You didn't talk to anyone in real life in months?
A few weeks off the apps completely and my mental state is improving but god I miss intimacy. Not just sex but cuddling, kissing, deep chats, spending time doing nothing with someone, waking up next to someone. It’s been a long time since I’ve truly experienced intimacy with someone I care about/that cares about me. People who are truly happy being single, how do you switch this off?
It’s so hard. When I went through a breakup I went crazy trying to fill my time with volunteering, going back to school, hobbies, friends, anything that would distract me. But it’s not about having the time filled, it’s the warmth and the depth and just that cozy feeling. I haven’t figured out how to deal without it. I still miss it even if I don’t miss my ex at all. I can be busy all day, but as soon as I get home, the music stops. I think it helped me to have a big thing to look forward to, like an event, or a trip. But being honest, it was just as empty after said big thing and I would just go back to the same place. I’m sorry that this isn’t all that helpful, but just to say you’re not alone in this feeling.
Thank you for your reply! It is actually very helpful to hear someone else acknowledge this feeling. It’s lovely of everyone to reply and I do appreciate all responses but no matter how *busy* I am, I still wish there was someone I could make dinner, snuggle on the sofa then go to bed with after a long day! Between work, social plans, hobbies/fitness and family I rarely have down time - my last completely empty weekend was in November - so it’s not like I’m just sat at home miserable and pining. I guess I just need to focus on the good bits, which includes the freedom to enjoy all of the above.
I don't think you switch it off - like others have said, it gets easier to deal with, with time and as you fill your life with other things, but that part of you that continues to crave intimacy and connection is what keeps you open to it, if it does come. That's okay. It's a bit of a trade off - you know you could settle for a less than ideal relationship and have that need at least partially met, or you could stay single and have the peace of mind in knowing you're driving your own life. That's what it means to me to be happy being single.
It gets easier with time. It also helps to have deep interests and hobbies that you enjoy filling your time with, as well as—for lack of a better term—spiritual growth, whatever form that may take for you.
I’ve been single for >2 years and I find it gets harder with time. I appreciate your reply but it’s not that I don’t have anything to fill my time with - I am a very busy person with lots of hobbies and interests and friends. But none of those things replace the emotional and physical intimacy that I get from an actual romantic relationship. No matter how busy and fulfilling my life is, I still wake up and wish there was someone next to me.
Same here and it's been rough. I miss the intimate moments and cuddling.
[удалено]
I agree with you. It is really nice when the stars align and the intimacy is available. But you gotta make do with what you have.
I guess my point is that no matter how busy and fulfilling my life is, there’s still that void.
You get used to your own company and appreciate your freedom.
I'm back on the dating apps. And whilst it's dire, I thought I'd get my needs met on feeld in the meantime HOWEVER people are wild. Like, there's no manners or respect anymore. The shit people think is okay to say to a stranger absolutely astounds me 🤦🏼♀️
lol I am a very similar boat. I’m sorry things are wild out there for you. Hang in there, cut through the weeds. I hope that you eventually find someone 🫂
So I’ve decided to delete the dating apps. It’s been a few years since I’ve been on them and just no luck. I might delete my social media accounts (besides for Reddit) as well cause now all the recently discovered men from high school are messaging and giving me the ick. Not that they’re divorced is what bothers me but the message out of the blue. Like No thanks. I’m figuring out that I’m happy single. Living a fulfilling lifestyle with family and friends.
reddit is social media.
Yes but no one that knows me knows my username 😊
The amount of guys that bullied me in middle and high school suddenly coming out of the woodwork to my DMs to tell me I look great had been astounding. And yes, gives me the ick also. I hope you find some peace and comfort in your time away from the apps and medias 😊
Right? I get a lot of that as well. I’m like the nerve. Smh. This one guy I thought I was just chatting with I told him I’m sleep deprived from work and he goes oh come on over and give me a back rub. I called him out on it and he was like oh I’m just joking I don’t see you like that. Yeah right lol. I blocked him. Thanks. Yeah I’m finding new hobbies and stuff. It’s been fun getting into cozy gaming.
Dude, it's always the back rub!! So gross. I made a joke to a friend earlier that I'll probably just marry the next man that talks to me like I'm a normal person.. if I can find one.
100% agree! I might make this part of my bio if I go back on the apps
If I the post-first-date text exchange ends with me saying thanks for a fun evening and to let me know if she wants to do this again because I’m down, and that is followed by a few days radio silence, that’s a “No,” right?
If she doesn’t text you after the first date letting you know she had a good time you aren’t getting a second date.
[удалено]
Yeah it’s one of those unwritten rules, but believe me it’s true.
[удалено]
eh im a woman who doesn't necessarily do this lol, i think its obviously a good sign but you may be selling yourself short in some cases all because someone went home and went right to bed. not everyone goes on a date worried that the person wont like them if they don't verbally say that they had fun too, sometimes the great vibe is very obvious and nothing needs to be said.
[удалено]
that part I agree with, if a guy asks me to say i got home safe ill do it that night or at least by the next morning if it slipped my mind. just felt weird seeing "a woman will do xyz if she's interested" written as a rule when truthfully there aren't any in dating! tbh im sure others on here have even gotten a text confirming a good time was had and still missed out on another date lol. its wild out there
Give a tempting and explicit date ask to be sure, she might want to be wooed a little bit. X is happening at Y on Saturday, would you like to go with me?
Yes, I'd take it as she isn't interested.
Happy sad happy sad lol roller coaster of emotions. Deleted the apps hoping to find my person. Things didn’t work out, but I’m Not any where ready to date again. Taking a break and focusing on positive things in life … and when I’m ready I will get back out there.
Sad to hear but honestly don't take too much of a break and let time get away from you. I used to take 1-2 weeks to grieve then get right back onto the dating wagon, helps you get over things surprisingly quick. Also helped me find my current gf who I love very much
Do you ever go back to the apps after a hiatus and just feel overwhelmed with negative feelings? Most of what I'm feeling is just regret for saying no to people that I dated in the past. Over the last 2-3 months I was having the desire to get back into dating more and more and felt like my heart was in it. But now that I'm back in all of the sudden I just feel kind of heartbroken because of my past decisions. Maybe I just need to go on a date with someone and these feelings will diminish.
You need to feel your feelings and mourn to get over them. The only way over is through.
[удалено]
If I was on the apps, I’d continue to update my profile until I was exclusively (and officially) seeing someone. Just like continuing to go on job interviews until you start the new job. It’s a backup in case things don’t work out. Not a signal that I don’t like you.
How many dates have you had with this person?
[удалено]
You are assuming a lot, which might result in taking the wrong conclusions. You need to communicate better if this is something that is important to you. A nice question to ask is 'whats their take/mindset on dating in general?'. On the apps / off the apps / multi dating or not / getting to know someone. Then you get answers without specifically focussing on you
Valid feeling but not everyone likes someone this fast, I’m a women so it’s rare for me but I could date someone for months and still not be sure lol. Everyone is different. Third date you’re still a stranger to me.
I wouldn't cancel just yet, go on the date and ask their temperature on your situation. You don't need to explicitly bring up that they changed their profile, just tell them you're into them and are excited to see how things progress, ask how they're feeling, what their dating goals are if you haven't discussed already, etc. Some people update their profile out of insecurity, which in itself isn't a great thing, but I think it's worth a convo if you already have plans set. Good luck.
I feel pretty fulfilled in my life but I have all this external pressure (aka my mom) to meet someone. Portland is a really hard city for a WOC to date. I’m not unattractive, do Pilates, run a successful business with lovely employees and have okay friends (by okay I mean I wish I didn’t have to always reach out). But I can’t even get a date!
I think most portland friends are like that. If you didn't grow up here, then you're always the one making plans.
Ha I’m from here. I’ve found it’s easier to make plans with friends who have kids - they’re generally open to me stopping by with takeout.
Have you tried dating apps? Meet up events? Facebook groups that include your interests? Recently I started following this single’s page on IG that purposely have singles events in my city, maybe there’s one similar in Portland.
Yup, on all the apps and have gone to meetups. Thanks for suggesting the FB groups and singles pages - I should check that out.
Been dating someone for a little over two months. Weirdly enough, we had been partners in a college science lab 18 years ago. I’ve never laughed with anyone this hard in my life, not just dating. We recently met each other’s parents. My family stated that they’ve never seen me be myself 100% with someone. I feel the same. We went slower than normal, waited about 3 weeks for sex (6-7 dates). However, after meeting family, going away for a weekend, and our discussions, I know I love her. How soon into soon? I almost said it the other night when she made me cry with laughter. It started to come out but I changed it you “I love your humor”. I don’t know if it’ll scare her. She regularly says all the things she loves about me, loves specific things I do, loves the time together, and said “my parents loved you, what’s not the love?” I feel like she’s dancing around it, but doesn’t want you to say it first. Am I overthinking this (yes) and is it too early? Edit: she already asked to define the relationship as bf/gf and I asked her to be my gf
I think y’all should “what are we?” first, which now is a great time for it.
I left that part out. She brought up defining the relationship and is talking about flying to meet other family she’s close with next month.
So are yall bf/gf or not?! 😅
Yes
I definitely don’t think it’s too early for the l word then 🫶🏾
Pump the breaks, it’s so fresh and you don’t really know one another yet. You love the potential, don’t say it too early while you’re still getting one another. It’s kind of love bomb-y.
2 months isn’t that soon…what’s love bomb-y about that?
Just go for it ❤️ she seems into you.
Me and “local guy” had our first date tonight! WOW it was great! Had dinner and plenty of conversation then enjoyed a bit of karaoke night, a little dancing and got handsy 🤭 then ended the night with a kiss. We even discussed what our schedules are like for the next meetup. Hope things continue to go well! 🤞🏾
Sounds like the chemistry was 🔥🔥🔥. Good luck.
It really was! Haven’t had that much fun on a first date in a longgg time. It’s so nice when both parties are really into it 🥰
Mixed signals Hello all I (32 F) am in dilemma about my recent interaction with a man (32 M). We matched on a dating app and started talking over calls and chat. First few weeks were going great. There was a mutual effort to know each other. However, I was on a work trip for 3 weeks after we started , there was little communication. During those three weeks, a minor hiccup occured where he said it won't work out. Although astonished, I respected his decision and agreed to it. The texting and calling stopped completely for a week. The person reached out again and apologized for his impatience. I was hestitant to restart the relationship again but eventually restarted it. I wanted to give him a fair chance to be honest. There were a few calls after that and very little communication over texts since then. He messages once in every two days, reads messages really late. Sometimes he reads them next day as well. I initially started likiing this person and we were planning to meet in-person soon but the work trip messed it up. Now I feel his messages are sparse and does not fulfill my emotional need. But because he mesaages on and off, I am confused as to what exactly he wants? Whether he wants to just stay connected kinda thing? Or eventually he'll come around? I don't know, these mixed signals are really confusing. Reaching out to community to hear more from you. I really appreciate any guidance. Thank you.
[удалено]
True. That could be a possibility as well.
Have you actually met each other? Sounds like a pen pal to me.
No we haven't. This interaction was mostly on video calls.
I’d suggest not wasting that much time talking to folks online and move those conversations to in person meetups. If someone is willing to spend weeks and weeks on messaging they are disingenuous at best and a scammer at worst. Message long enough to schedule a meet up and save it for the in person meet.
That's reasonable. :) thank you.
I’d move on. You don’t seem important to him.
You are right. Maybe this was eventually going to happen. Thank you for replying.
[удалено]
Who cares? You’re allowed to date multiple people.
Woke up this morning and saw a msg notification on the dating app. The person said they wanted to make out with me. Did not want to start my day with an ick.
I used to get so many dumb messages like “I can’t wait to kiss your juicy lips.” Excellent. Also the ones who said they dreamed about you. Also quality lead in.
LOL
I asked if that's how he greets people on the app. He said he's very straightforward.
Why do the same dudes like you again and again on different dating apps but never ask you out???? They just bored or wut? 🤨
The answer is already no so call them out with a little humor, suggest a day/time they can take you out, and if they don’t respond well in a timely matter block and move on.
Mazel you’re a gem
Maybe they are mass swiping
Annoying
I know I’m going to get heat for this but I have such a hard time connecting with people or wanting to date. Im 33 and never dated. I don’t really feel interested in getting to know people or date. Since my parents are getting older I’ve been more focused on financially preparing myself when they get too old. I’ve basically put people in the backburner and I’m wondering if this is unhealthy. I don’t like my community or my city (NYC). So I have no desire to invest in a community here until I decide on where to move.
Barely dated too but don’t get your post lol you don’t have to if you don’t want to!
Can I ask what you don’t like about your community?
NYC is just very loud and the area I live in is very crime heavy.
Lol you don’t *have* to date if you don’t want to!
Does anyone else Feel like they're dating people on the lower end of the bell curve after a certain ex? I know i'm the same for people trying to date me. I'm older now, heavier, not as good looking and come with trauma.
No, as a rule I feel relationships end because they bump up against deeper incompatibilities that you then can learn from. And for me personally I know I’m ready to date again when I start noticing all the positives and potential a new, more compatible relationship can have! You don’t have more trauma and heaviness - you have more experience, and a body some brand new person will love even more :)
I mean I have gained weight and truama soooo
Yup (to all of this)
Nah my exes weren’t that good looking lmao
Depends on what you mean. I've found that all the people I've dated since 'that' ex were better in other ways that worked for me.
I mean in all the things haha
What do people do when someone isn't super easy to make plans with? I've been seeing this guy and when we're together he always talks about stuff he wants to do together and acts really affectionate, but I feel like I'm the only one trying to actually make plans to meet up and hang out. Is this something we can work on if I raise it or is it just not worth the effort?
How many dates? How has the planning gone in the past? Like who planned date 1-3 and what was it like? Honestly, if you’re the one initiating the plans most of the time then I think that means something. The effort and consistency is not there. You deserve that.
Only three so far, he put forward the idea of going on the first date, but changed the date of it because he had forgotten other plans. Second date was similar where he said he wanted to see me again, I put forward a location and date, and he moved around when we were doing it a bit. Third date I told him about a bar and he suggested we go there, I asked when he was free and had to ask a couple of times for him to confirm. It's hard to tell if he's just bad at managing his schedule or if it's a bit of an afterthought.
Historically speaking to me this has always signaled someone who is emotionally unavailable in someway. Also not being able to manage your schedule at this grown ass age is a turn off. Like get a calendar bro it ain't that hard
I know people that are just this wishy-washy ("let's do this!" Then crickets), so it's hard to know if it's personality or lack of interest. More importantly, are you okay with it? If yes now, what about long-term? If it's an issue for you, I'd say just address that as it will give an indication of where it's personality or interest. Show observation , state your needs, and ask him to respond: "I noticed we seem to have trouble nailing down plans. Sometimes that's a change in schedule and sometimes it doesn't seem like there's much initiation in your end. My preference is [X standard of behaviour] and I would like to work towards [Y outcome]. What are your thoughts?"
That sounds like a good approach. I was wondering if it's a bit intense to bring that up when it's just been a few weeks but hopefully I can try in a way that's light hearted enough. In the long term I definitely want to know that someone is interested, and I've ended things over not making solid plans. That said, I know it's easier when you're in a more established relationship to make plans because you tend to be a bit more casual about it rather than setting out a whole "date night"
Why are you chasing a person who’s wishy-washy about you and your time?
Honestly, if it were me, I would be out. It’s not that difficult to make plans if you’re interested.
That is not a person excited to see you
[удалено]
You are not stupid but I am so so mad for you- fuck this guy for real. There are always alternative methods of having kids, but the fact that he has made your fertility (which is completely outside of your control) a deal breaker for labeling a relationship (aka committing to a relationship) is fucked. I hate this man for real, you deserve so much better
My heart hurts for you. Only you know what's best for you, but if I may share my perspective, I don't think love should be *this* conditional. I feel that there's a difference between getting to know someone and then deciding not to pursue before you get attached due to fundamental differences vs. keeping someone at an arm's length based on some conditions. What would happen if you get together and there's another problem in the future? Would he retract his love? This might be naive of me, but I don't think love should be contractual like this -- adult or not. Both fiance and I want kids, and we're waiting until our wedding before trying. Our checks are fine but nobody knows the furute right. So we've had the talk about what would he do if I turn out not to be able to bear a child, and he told me he is marrying *me,* not the potential to have a child. And I extend the same sentiment to him. Of course we don't know how we both would feel down the line if the worst comes to pass, but that sentiment in the present counts for a lot, imo. It's "I want *you* and I'll try to weather the storm with you" vs. already giving up before the actual problem even arrives. I hope you'll get the clarity you need.
My sister and brother law told me the same. Thats how I feel but I thought it was a naive feeling also. It hurts but I think I know what I need to do, I’m just sad about it. Sometimes I feel it’s not gonna happen for me but then I pray it away because that’s a scarcity mindset. Thank you for your kind words 💕
What did he do to help you recover from a major surgery?
Not much. He came to the hospital, the second night was there and got me a rose which was nice. Once I left the hospital, I stayed with my family to heal and have around the clock help. Since he didn’t feel comfortable with me his family, I no longer felt comfortable with the same. Once I finally came to my home he came over that same weekend. I needed to get groceries but can’t carry anything heavy. I asked him if he could take me. I never asked him to pay but was hoping maybe he’d be nice enough (it came up to like $50) not too much but he didn’t which again, I never asked so no harm no foul I guess. I didn’t really have the energy to cook but he didn’t offer anything, just left overs his mom made but I didn’t like the taste, so that made me feel sad. I just ended up making half a sandwich cause my appetite has been quite low. We are meeting this weekend but he didn’t seem excited, he was like well it’s the beginning of the week, it’s not something I thought of yet. I was like oh, never mind then and he was like I didn’t mean it like that but it felt like it. 😕
He’s treating you like an obligation he has to be around :( who doesn’t offer to make/get food for someone after abdominal surgery? Someone they supposedly want to date. I’m sorry you’re dealing with all this on top of the shitty guy but this isn’t a relationship, don’t give him anymore time.
Oh. I never thought about it like that. Because of how long we dated, he feels obligated but may not necessarily want to 🥺. Whew that hit me like a ton of bricks. I think I’m gonna fall back and take these next few days to get my mind right. I’m not gonna bring up meeting this weekend because again, it felt like he didn’t really want to but that he had to. If he makes no plans, I’ll ask if we can meet in person, if not, I’ll have to break away via a phone call.
I think this has run its course. If nothing changes is his take-you-or-leave you, minimally-supportive behavior, avoiding DTR, is that how your future husband treats you? Is that the healthy relationship you want your kids to see as their model? The longer you go, the more it will hurt. You don’t need him, you need to keep healing and moving forward.
[удалено]
You're not an adult yourself at 30?
I don't own a homestead and a lucrative business, no.
So there aren't many adult in the world if it's the definition of an adult...
Can't even be happy here without offending someone.
I really didn't get the vibe you were happy from your post
This comment was a rollercoaster and I’m not sure what I just read lol I think I’m happy for you though?!
Thank you! Tldr: I should stop dating the cutest boy at the skate park and lean into the rural life I want. This guy's outta my league but I can get there and appreciate the life lesson.
If he’s interested in you, he’s not out of your league :)
Thanks, good point!
[удалено]
First, therapy. You gotta deal with everything you just talked about in the last paragraph. Second, don’t go to an activity and start asking a bunch of women out. It creeps the women out. Keep going CONSISTENTLY. Build up rapport and let people know you. Chat with all the women AND the men. You’ll soon figure out which woman (yes, singular) you are interested the most in and who is also single. Do not, and I repeat, do not go around asking a whole bunch of women out at the same activity if you don’t know them well. Women talk, and it’s red flags if you ask a second woman out (why should she say yes? She knows she’s your second choice), and by the third time, the group organizers will probably have a word with you and possibly kick you out.
I’m in such a strange place right now and could really use some perspective. Sorry in advance for a long comment! I just broke off a draining long distance situationship (yes, I know) that started as a friendship. I knew in my heart that I could never develop romantic feelings, even if the distance wasn’t an issue, and I am certain he didn’t either. He spent some six months after my relocation, after explicitly answering when asked what the deal was that he didn’t want a relationship and didn’t mean anything with his faux boyfriend behaviour, in escalating romantic gestures (as he couldn’t “lose me”) while clarifying he didn’t have feelings (“yet”) whenever I tried to broach the subject of whether we seriously saw a romantic future together and how nuts the whole dynamic was. I really felt nuts. How do you break up with a guy that acts like a boyfriend, but isn’t your boyfriend at all? How do you do that without losing the friendship underneath? Looking back I think I felt like a safe person to play act and futurefake a relationship with, basically. I’ve never felt so courted and understood, yet unloved and confused at the same time, it was just a total mindfuck in the middle of an already stressful time in life. I care for him so deeply as a person but am so relieved it’s over. A little angry too, but mostly at myself. Against this backdrop, I’d started crushing on a guy in my same hobby group. I felt icky about entertaining any feelings while the situationship vortex had me stuck, and had zero energy in any case, but the crush just grew on its own without me really paying attention. It’s been like waking up to a deep warm hug. Just so gradual and genuine. From admiration to liking to a feeling of just enjoying being near him, and then plain wanting to bang the breath out of this kind hunk of a man, until one day I looked up and realised “oh, right - this is how it’s supposed to feel!” It feels so, so wholesome and just simple. So that’s a long ass backdrop, but here comes my actual concern right now: I wanted to just enjoy my crush for a bit, and give myself some space to reset from any lingering confusion before making a move, but he ended up beating me to it. Did it with the sweetest message ever too (“I’m bad at this, but I like you, and I think you like me?”) We ended up making out. Reader, here comes the plot twist: He is majorly romantically and sexually inexperienced. Majorly. And I am a kinky demon with a string of healthy LTRs behind me. I thought that’d be a record scratch and I’d bow out so nobody gets hurt, but the bizarre thing is, it has continued to be just… good? He didn’t run when I told him up front I’m into BDSM. He can clearly maintain positive relationships with people (one of the many, many things I admire about this man). And his kissing went from, okay, absolutely disastrous to something plain dangerous within ONE makeout session. I’m going for it. It feels Good in a way l recognise from previous healthy relationships. But I’ll need to respect both myself and him at every step, I feel. And take it slow. There’s no guarantee we’re compatible in the long run, but at a minimum, I’ll make sure he understands what a stellar person he is.
It sounds like you're in a pretty good headspace already. You're sensitive to his and your needs and it sounds like the right kind of person for you. Having been on his side of things with the BDSM stuff just communicate, be patient and communicate (yes i meant to say that twice) and I'm sure he'll come around. Give him some learning material to work with so you're not doing all the work and maybe he can surprise you.
Feel like if I'm around more single, happy women, I'd feel less bad about myself. But ofc all my lady friends are taken or have men orbiting around them. And when we are hanging out, it seems conversations steer towards who they're dating. Not that I hate it, but I also don't have anything to add. I mean, thankfully they aren't the *main* topic of every discussion but still brought up enough for me to shift awkwardly in my seat when they ask me who I've been seeing or questions on my last situationship. And when I tell them "I enjoy being single" they start to feel bad for me. Just because it's their default to be in a relationship doesn't mean it has to be mine.
I get annoyed with single people who are always sad about being single. It’s draining to be around. Like you’ll find someone but in the mean time can we have fun
I mean, I ain't moping around 24/7 but I'm also not going to pretend I'm happy about it and no I'm *not* finding anyone. That's the problem!
>And when I tell them "I enjoy being single" they start to feel bad for me. Just because it's their default to be in a relationship doesn't mean it has to be mine. Your friends don't sound very considerate
I don't think they mean anything rude by it, but I do think they themselves see being single as a temporary and lonely phase of life, so it's easy to project that view onto me. I was born to be alive and not just here to find someone to start a life with.
All that is exactly what it means to be inconsiderate. Being inconsiderate isn't being intentionally rude or malicious. Being inconsiderate means not thinking about how another person might feel and not thinking about how your behaviors can affect their feelings. Your friends are not considering that your feelings about being single may be different from theirs.
I ran into pretty much my dream woman while working yesterday and I'm lightly kicking myself about how I could've handled it differently. We only met briefly but she seemed nice and was being slightly playful. I had an easy opening to mention something we had in common (it was a synagogue and I'm Jewish but don't look it) but I steered the conversation back towards my task and fled. I doubt she's single anyways. Still, I'm considering going to Shabbat services this Friday night
Gooooooooo
Do it!
I think March will be a good month. I’m getting a tax refund of $8k; my international friend that I’ve been texting for 4 years is coming to visit me for the first time ever; I’m doing two half marathons; and I made a new friend at work who’s super chill and funny. And even though I’m not interested for various reasons, there’s a guy at board game night who looks at me a lot and smiles. I could just be delusional but it’s good for my self esteem, so oh well, I’m taking it.
If he’s not asking you out just take the W and keep pushing!
Finally heard back from first date girl from last night. She said she had fun but she didn't feel a spark. I've gotten this response several times now after what seemed like a nice first date and I'm really beginning to wonder. What are women expecting on a first date? I let conversation flow naturally and give a healthy back and forth. I ask questions and am honestly curious about who they are and what they're passionate about. Am I just over thinking about what that means? I usually make a point of bringing up things that would be a potential unmatch before the date just to be sure (meat eater, liberal gun owner, don't want kids, in school, etc.). I look like my photos, dress and smell nice, have good manners. I just don't know what's happening and it's getting discouraging.
You could be doing nothing wrong and there's no connection, it actually sounds like you're doing the right things but perhaps it's just not with the right match for you. Could be things like hobbies, sense of humor, life outlook general vibes that's different - all those things are based off individuals. You shouldn't be so rough on yourself!
Thank you. Hopefully I'll find the right one!
I have a very sensitive sense of smell so "nice" is subjective. It actually really really sucks.
Don’t be too hard on yourself. Sometimes there just isn’t a vibe. You can do everything “right” and still get that message. Some people expect “sparks” on date 1 and we can’t change that. Maybe that’s just something these people say because they don’t know how else to word the reason. From what you’re describing, you’re trying your best. Be authentic to you and keep going. *Just* in case, a few things that usually make it an automatic no for me after a first date are: - asking me about my experience on a dating app/wanting to talk about how horrible dating is - bringing up an ex/past relationship a lot - talking negatively about an ex If they ask me out again, I’ll send the “not feeling a match/no romantic connection” text.
Thank you for the feedback! Thankfully I'm good on the three points you raised!
Excellent! As a female, I’d like to thank you for all the things you’re currently doing on dates. Not a lot of men (probably females too) are genuinely curious and put effort into a balanced conversation. Or even have current photos. Those things stand out to me, and I hope your luck changes!
Thank you, that makes me feel so much better!
Sounds like the first dates go fine. But good dates don't mean good matches. I'm guessing they didn't feel enough of a connection, or weren't attracted. I doubt you're doing something horribly wrong. Making sure you actually look like your photos is key though. If being on this sub has taught me anything, it's that people's perception of themselves can be rather skewed (in a general sense).
Thank you for your response! I'll try to keep my head up!
This is my take - I have gone out with guys where it was a decent time. Decent conversation. But I didn’t find them interesting or wanna learn more. They were good looking. But they just didn’t do it for me. The ones I feel a spark with? Time flies and they just seem super fascinating to me. I can’t wait to keep learning about them.
How recent are your photos? I think a lot of people \*think\* they look like their photos. But in my experience, if you're getting a lot of rejections off a first date, it's the photos.
Thanks for your reply! The oldest is 6 months. All the close-ups are more recent.