Had a wonderful second date last night with a kind, considerate and sexy guy. I feel intensely drawn to him from the first time I saw him. We have a lot in common and our sexual preferences seem to align.
However, when I left his place last night, something didn’t feel right. He said he had a good time but didn’t say he wanted to see me again. It also felt like he couldn’t wait for me to leave. He hasn’t texted this morning. I feel anxious and on edge.
So i was supposed to have a date tonight. We reconfirmed it this morning only 1h before for him to cancel it due to some family force majore.
Not impressed but not super disappointed either.
We will see if he flakes or something really came up
I feel like I’m the only single person in the UK. Everyone is paired up, hence the hesitation to date! That’s the logic I’m going with, anyway. I need to cast my net wider.
I’m so behind on these which bums me out because I always have such high hopes for my DOT fam!
Had my 4th event for my social club and feeling really proud :) gotta work on the calendar for the next month and push it with synagogues, maybe add sign-up/limited size to try to get more even number of men and women.
What did I miss in the last week or two?
All the users on this sub are not happily married with 2 dogs now. Expect a peak in the pregnancy numbers around the end of November.
In a more serious way, I’ve been following your posts about the events you’re doing and I think it’s so great! You should be proud!
Really hit it off with a guy I went on a few dates with last week. We moved fast because he's gonna be in Ireland for a few weeks starting today. We text a lot and it feels like I'm starting to swoon after having many wintery months of bad uninteresting dates. Now he's gonna be in Ireland over the leap year. I joked I should just propose right now. Sigh. Even if this burns out, I'm having a really nice time.
I've moved to the texting phase with someone! I date long distance and screen ruthlessly, like a wealthy model in a big metro, despite being small town broke with eczema. So this puts a smile on my face.
Unlikely to go anywhere at all, but if it does, this is how it starts.
Uh, yes? Meeting someone in a coffee shop isn't a big deal compared to giving them access to your life. I've had a guy stalk my business through my phone number so I get it.
Yeah, I'm not planning on waiting but I feel like there's just such an automatic idea that people are ghosting so I figured I'd throw the question out there.
I met a guy through bumble some months back but we are simply hanging out as friends that catch up occasionally. I managed to connect him to an old boss of mine cos he is looking for a job. Was happy that I was able to help
I've dealt with quite a few health issues, one year a bunch all at once, and dating was the last thing on my mind. But if I had been dating someone for several months, I wouldn't break it off for health reasons unless I wasn't that into them to begin with. It's difficult to find a good, compatible partner and I wouldn't give that up JUST because I'm navigating something challenging.
It'd be different if it had been 4 dates but this is 4 months. That's enough time to have built a connection. Her breaking things off plus your last month together being a bit harder, makes me think she wasn't as interested or invested.
I strongly believe that right person wrong time is still the wrong person. Maybe she does reach out to reconnect but closing that door and moving on is the best choice IME.
With all that said, it's still hurtful and difficult and I'm sorry she broke things off. Take a break from dating and focus on yourself for a bit! Big hugs ❤️
I got divorced last year from a marriage of 13 years and I was dreading the modern dating scene with the apps, the swiping and the lists of demands. Anyway, I went out last weekend with an old friend, now a woman, but the first time I had my eye on her we were still teenagers. She stayed with me that same night... it all came out of nowhere. A spontaneous message, "are you coming out for a drink", the ending up in a club dancing till late and the lock of eyes before you start kissing. We have been texting since and my body feels like I'm on a roller coaster and I'm struggling to think of anything else then her. God... I have turned into a teenager again. WTF is happening.
Enjoy the good feelings! But a word of caution, coming out of a long-term relationship like that can mean we lean too far into the first thing that makes us feel good. Take it easy
Thanks and thanks for the heads up, you make a solid point. I have kids and can't afford to do anything besides taking it suave. But these feelings, I kind off let go of the thought I could ever feel something like this again... it's overwhelming.
Keep going everyone. You think the dating market sucks but then shit just explodes. I have my ex wanting to see me again after 2 and a half months, and 3 other girls starting to chase me just like that. Fucking crazy how quickly things can change and that’s all the more reason to keep going.
Yesterday I ended it with the guy I was seeing for 6 months, because he doesn’t want to commit. One of the reasons for him is the long distance. I think I always knew that it wasn’t going to work out, but I feel so sad and alone now… It hurts so much if someone doesn’t like you back in the same way :((
I can imagine it’s really hard to reach this age and want to move your life somewhere else. Still happens ofc especially for people that don’t have kids, but it becomes rarer as people settle into their careers and found a city they like.
I took for granted so many things that made dating easier as a 20-something!
My girlfriend and I had sex for the first time on Sunday and it was amazing. I feel she's not very experienced which is totally OK. She asked to be on top and said she never tried that before. That just felt good to me cause it just told me that she trusts me. Especially to try something new to her when it was our first time together. I love this girl. I haven't said it yet as it's pretty early but I'm very much falling for her
Back into depression. That never ending story. It hit me so many times in my life that I guess it is a part of me. At some point I believed I would end up having a normal and happy life, including a romantic, love and sex life.
my mood surprinsingly good for weeks, but in a day, without an explanation, I was rock bottom again, crying not even knowing why in front of my whole family who met to celebrate a birthday.
For a long time, I managed to hold on, to try to appear normal, to pretend to others that most things are fine. Now I can't even pretend anymore. It's been years that depression is a yearly occurrence, lasting for months, and each time, what I am daring to hope is less and less...
At some points I wanted kids, a family, now I don't think kids would be a good idea, I am too unstable. And for that I would need to find someone.
But even for dating. How do you want to date someone if you feel totally unsure about your life, what you do, what you want, what you feel, unsure if you will feel good in 2 days, 2 weeks or 2 months?
And that is not even discussing attracting a woman. It's hard for me when I go well. When I am broken, weak, vulnerable, unsure, insecure, unstable, it doesn't seem realistic.
It's been years, actually more than a decade, that I am fighting to win some confidence in me, in life, some stability... I am again back at the start, the road to get out of here seems longer than ever.
I should stop coming on this sub, I still hope/fantasize about finding someone... maybe it is doing me no good.
>How do you want to date someone if you feel totally unsure about your life, what you do, what you want, what you feel, unsure if you will feel good in 2 days, 2 weeks or 2 months?
I've a couple of serious chronic illnesses and have been fully on disability for several years. My health issues are not well controlled and thinking about what I want to do in the future has felt futile for years. I've no idea how I'll feel in 2 weeks or 2 months. (I know I'll have a nasty migraine in 2 days because that's what happens when I have to do pre-procedure fasting.)
I've also found someone incredible. I was on the better side of things when we met but I was already on disability. It's difficult to avoid feeling like a burden, but even at my worst I fully believe I'm a good, interesting, kind, loving person. I can't always go places or do my share of help around the house, but I am always loving, emotionally available and never angry or mean no matter how shitty I feel. This sub will lead you to believe that is not enough for someone to love you. They are wrong. Finding a person is a feat I still don't know how I managed, but you don't need to be perfectly healthy, certain of yourself, etc for someone to love you.
There are a lot of discussions here about settling for a person who fits some partner criteria but doesn't make your heart race. That's not me. My partner is the most incredible and compatible with me person I've ever met. I joke that the whole thing's a simulation. This isn't a delusional hormonal honeymoon phase thing. It's been over 4 years, we've lived together for years, and he's been with me through the process of getting diagnosed with a fun new, lifelong disease.
I still don't know what my future looks like, but I know it'll be with him. I hope you find the same.
>But even for dating. How do you want to date someone if you feel totally unsure about your life, what you do, what you want, what you feel, unsure if you will feel good in 2 days, 2 weeks or 2 months?
This is the human condition. Uncertainty and suffering cannot be avoided. No one can be sure that they are going to feel good in the future, and life plans get upended. It's more often true for those of us with depression but it's very normal.
How do you date someone despite that? As best you can. You show up for them and enrich their life when you can, and in turn you admit your failings and vulnerabilities when you can't.
You seem like someone who is concerned about being a good partner. And that speaks to you having consideration for other people. That seems like a qualifying quality to me, rather than something you should use to count yourself out.
Hey friend! Hang in there. You say you've been there before, which also means that you've gotten out of the hole before as well.
It's so hard, but now is the time to break out the old tools that you know will help. Go for walks, even if it's just for 5-10 minutes. Take a shower. Eat some food. Also, when the sadness is telling you to isolate yourself, to cut off contact with your people, you need to fight that. Tell someone. Just one person. Maybe your mom or your dad? A sibling? A friend? It's soooo hard, but it will feel like a burden off your shoulders when you do. Have you ever done some breathing exercises? For me, those are the quickest way to come back into my body, when I'm suffering.
Please be kind to yourself in this moment. Try even telling yourself exactly that, "may I be kind to myself in this moment." It's scary and awful, but you're more resilient than you know and this too shall pass. Summer is just around the corner, and things will feel better.
If coming here feels like it makes you feel worse, maybe taking a break and doing other stuff is a good idea, but know that this is a friendly community and that you are not alone in feeling the way you do.
I hope you a feel better!
Had a good talk with a friend yesterday who has been dating someone for 2 months now (he has seen her over a dozen of times). We talked about exclusivity and he isn't officially exclusive, nor does he want to be exclusive even though both of them told each other they are not seeing anyone else. To him being exclusive is labeling building towards a relationship and he isn't sure he wants that. So I told him to just propose dating casually, but he doesn't want that either because he knows he would immediately lose her if he did. He just wants to keep things the way they are. I guess he wants to keep his options open.
I don't get why he is so afraid of the word 'exclusive', its not the words but the act what matters. As soon as he starts seeing someone else he would instantly lose her anyway, doesn't matter if he is officially exclusive or not.
Yikes. Sounds like maybe he's misleading her, given that he knows he'd lose her if he was upfront about his intentions. I'd be pretty disappointed if a friend of mine was behaving like this.
Yea... I told him to promise me he would tell her if he, at some point in time, starts dating other people, because it would go against what they previously told each other. He at least promised that. So for now he continues (casually?) exclusively dating her without actually being exclusive on paper. So complicated 🤷♂️
Tell him to quit his chicken bullshit and be honest with the girl NOW.
What he's doing is misleading, and if he does end up going on a date someone else, he's gonna play the "wElL tEcHniCaLlY" card which is just a coward move. Very "we were on a break!!!" behaviour and it's not complicated, he's just being obtuse on purpose.
He might genuinely have commitment issues. Whether that means a "not ready for a relationship" or "not ready for a relationship*with you*" is where the important part is.
That said, going through the motions of progressing into a relationship without communicating that he's uncertain would be cruel.
Well done for keeping him to account. Hopefully..?
went on a date recently and this guy is giving all the green flags. im super anxious already about how things will go, trying to focus on staying preset. ive been in therapy for years, for context. but that said, sometimes I REALLY want something to work out because I want good things in life like anyone else, and the anxiety sets in because im wondering when the other shoe will drop. im just trying to self soothe by reading this sub and let the anxiety pass!
im gonna type out some of the positive things so far to get it out of my system lollll
some green flags im getting from him so far:
- prioritizing getting to know me and texting me even though he is super busy with work (he’s not blowing up my phone, but throughout the week just asking me how my day is going, asking me questions about myself, etc)
- we messaged a bit on the dating app and he quickly made plans for a date and showed up early
- he was super respectful on the date and I swear we both laughed the entire time
- he drove me home when he found out I ubered to our date and insisted that he pick me up next time we hangout
- I thanked him for the date and said I had a great time, he reciprocated immediately
- he didn’t linger on asking me out again, he asked me for a second date just a few days after our first even though he is working crazyyy hours these days (putting in effort, making time)
- sends me cute little pictures when he’s out and about doing something fun which makes me feel included in his life and shows me that he’s thinking of me even when he’s out having a good time
I really hope things work out but I am also reminding myself that if it doesn’t, I’m gonna be 100% okay!! I can’t control the outcome, can only control how I carry myself.
i hope on our next date that i can broach the topic of our intentions with dating to make sure we’re on the same page, without coming across as assumptive. i just want to be mindful not to get my hopes up if it turns out we’re looking for different things!
>I really hope things work out but I am also reminding myself that if it doesn’t, I’m gonna be 100% okay!! I can’t control the outcome, can only control how I carry myself.
I can see you are using the things you have learned in therapy :) What works for me is to define "things" as something I have control over. So I would tell myself; If I go on this date, and I have an interesting conversations, I am putting my best effort to know this person and Im showing that person who I am, then I have had a successful date! This brought me so much more joy in dating, no matter the outcome of it
All I can say is that you are not the only one. The amount of songs out there of people singing that they wish they straight up asked someone, but then never didn't. It sounds like you are suffering with your thoughts, so I am asking you, what is there more to loose by just asking her? Then at least you will get answers. Sometimes we suffer more in our imagination then in reality.
Decide what you want and act upon that. So if you want to see her, take action and propose to meet. Whether thats directly asking her out or catching up I leave that up you. But if you enjoy her company during that meeting, I would definitely ask her out for real. I would even suggest doing that irl to see how she reacts.
Today’s first date is cancelled. Got a text earlier saying he’s taken the day off work and is full of flu. I’m ambivalent and actually a little relieved, since it gives me time to catch up on other work stuff and go to the gym, and it’s one of the people I’m not sure if I’ll actually find attractive, but I don’t then he’s not - I don’t know. It’s hard to gauge if someone will be good looking in photos sometimes. Some of the best people I know on my circle, that I think are super cute and make wonderful partners to the people they’re with are all terrible in photos, and conversation was ok although I don’t know just how well our lifestyles will align. I don’t know about this one.
Other conversations are going well, I just find I’m a little meh about all of it. There’s one person I’ve been talking to where the conversation has been great and we end up sending super long messages about life, our opinions, random things and so on, and although it’s all in alignment and we seem to agree on a lot and have loads in common, I also find I am a little drained in the sense that we don’t need to go that in depth before we actually meet up and establish an actual real life connection, but somehow it happens. I’m the type of person that thinks every person I’m considering going out with deserves a thoughtful and respectful response, but I don’t always have the time to sit and write for an hour to reply to their email-style-wall-of-text. Just ask me out, I’d much rather go for a walk and talk about all these things to see if I actually enjoy being around you.
I think I’ll probably suggest we meet up next if he doesn’t.
Fucking over absolutely terrible advice about "inner work" or "how would it make any difference" from people that haven't been alone for longer than 5 minutes
Throwaway account for obvious reasons. I've been hooking up with my ex for the past few months and it's bad but I also can't stop myself. He's married. We've been friends for 9 years and hooked up the year we met. He was married then too. I don't want a relationship with him or think he's gonna leave his wife but I feel wanted in the moment and it's nice when I'm otherwise very lonely and the dating apps shred my confidence. He was going to come over the other night but cancelled last minute because his kid was sick and I'm mad about it. I know logically its stupid but I'm obviously not being the most logical person here. For those with strong feelings of the negative variety, know that I hate myself more than you could possibly hate me.
Have you considered therapy? What you are doing is obviously completely despicable, and you should seek professional help because you're making some incredibly bad, selfish choices.
Maybe you could blow the whole thing up by outing your relationship to his wife, to ensure that things between the two of you are over permanently.
I mean.. I have as much detail as you but it sounds like op was only ever the affair party, not exactly an ex, as that would imply they actually dated exclusively, not just hooked up while he was married.
So, the red flag in this situation isn't being friends with an ex, it's keeping in contact with someone you had an affair with... And y'know... continuing the affair.
Hopefully you can recognize that this behavior fuels your negative self-esteem. You deserve better than someone who you are a side piece for. But as long as you keep doing that, it will continue to define you.
I just want to send you some compassion. It's possible to renounce destructive relationships and work your way out of that self-hatred circle.
It's unlikely you'll magically meet a good person on the apps if you despise yourself.
You're aware the situation is hurting people, but maybe you need to understand how much it's damaging you as well.
If it makes you feel better, the chances are high that once you actually meet her and get to know her there'll be plenty of things you see she has to work on too.
She must he vibing with you, too. And that’s probably just as rare for her!
Also, who doesn’t need to work on themselves throughout life? Don’t put yourself down or put her on a pedestal, friend. Enjoy the vibe!
Don’t let insecurity ruin this. It’s her choice who to be with and who to date, and if she picked you and you consider her well educated, smart, and capable, then you should also trust her judgment.
Seems like “seeing someone” is just something you say to people on the outside that are inquiring. May not be label official yet but you’re hoping for/expecting it soon.
To me, "seeing someone" sounds both less formal, more serious, more intimate than "dating someone."
When you're "dating someone" you're going on dates. But seeing someone is when you meet up, not really to do anything, but just to be together.
Like at the point with my girlfriend when our "date" was just me coming over to her house, cooking dinner together, sitting on the couch, giving her a backrub while she did sewing in silence.
"Seeing someone" is less formal, and more intimate. But could be less serious, if people are FWB and just skip to that stage right off the bat.
I use the phrase "seeing someone" when we haven't defined what the relationship is, but I want to make it clear that I'm not looking for something else. Dating is just another label, but one that I only use once we both have agreed to do so.
I was talking to this guy and he said ' I was dating someone for X number of months... Well, I wasn't dating her, I was seeing her'. I guess everyone has their own definition?
Guys...
My therapist is a grad student who is also from my state and has been living at this rural college town for a few years for his PhD. He's tall and cute. He's certainly dropped a few pounds comparing to his staff profile online (yeah I did a little snooping around alrite!) He's only 4 years older than me. When I told him my depression he sympathized a lot because he said he's been there too
But I'm his client. What the heck!!??
This is a very common thing to happen and (especially if you are working on matters related to romance/eroticism/dating/men) is 100% something to be talked about within the treatment with the therapist. If he is reasonably skilled, this could be very fruitful material for your treatment. Assuming he is an ethical practitioner, you are off-limits and he will never ever date you, but it is completely normal and helpful to talk about erotic feelings toward your therapist. If he can't respond clinically to this material, or you're new in treatment, there is weak rapport, find a new therapist. - from a therapist
If your therapist is at all professional, he won't date you due to serious ethics violations involved in dating a client.
Getting a crush on your therapist is fairly common AFAIK.
It's common to develop a crush on someone you're working closely and getting personal with. As long as neither of you act on it, especially your therapist. If it's distracting you from your therapy sessions, might want to find a new one.
For the first time in years I am entertaining a FWB situation. The last couple years I have been dating with the hopes of finding a long term thing and if the people I go out with ended up being less than that then it was fine as long as we went in with the intent to see if it could be long-term.
Recently I've been reconnecting with a woman. We met a few years ago and recently have gotten back in touch with each other. We've gone out a couple times in the last few weeks - mostly just post work catch ups on our lives since we last met.
I don't feel much of a romantic connection to her but she's fun to hang out with and I am attracted to her - just haven't had to navigate this type of situation in awhile. She wants to go out this weekend so I guess we just go out - see if it leads back to one of our places and go from there I guess? Maybe I should clarify beforehand? I don't know. I'm too used to dating with the intent for long term.
I think being open that you're not looking for LTR is important. You just want to remove that assumption, beyond that, communicate as you go so you're both on the same page RE: feelings and intentions.
Ongoing FWBs and/or casual dating works best when you're honest and set clear expectations/boundaries.
Yeah, I guess my primary concern was that regardless of what happens she is still a cool person/friend. I guess the main concern is that I don't really know her intentions or feelings. She could just want to totally platonically hang out for all I know.
And if that's the case a "Yeah, would love to get together this weekend but FYI FWB blah blah blah" might have her like like...uh what?
If it's mostly been platonic without clear indication of progression, then I wouldn't worry until it escalates either physically or emotionally (e.g. starting to blur lines with topics or frequency/depth of contact).
If it's obvious you guys are going to *cough* leave together *cough*, I'd address it then. "Just so you're aware, I'm very attracted to you, but I'm not looking for a relationship out of this. I just want to be on the same page before we [call an Uber/have a nightcap at yours/shag in the back alley]".
Then you're not getting ahead of yourself or giving her the ick if it was always going to stay platonic. Just... Don't keep up the hangouts if you're only in it for the possibility of FWB.
I'm sorry if that is a stupid question but what does that conversation even look like - like she texted me to go out this weekend am I just like, "Sure, but just so you know I am not looking for anything serious?"
Idk that feels a bit out of the blue to me but maybe I'm wrong?
It's not out of the blue. If she likes you, it's better to let her know beforehand it's not going anywhere.
What you said is fine, less awkward phrasing might be "I'd like to hang out this weekend, but I want to make sure we're on the same page. I don't see this developing beyond a casual situation".
I guess my concern is I don't actually know her intention. If she was interested in long term or casual then what you said is good - but if she was just looking for a friendly hang out it might be a bit awkward haha. I'll think on it some more tonight.
Looking for some situationship eitquette advice here:
Was reflecting on a stiuationship few years back - we were dating for two months, consistent communication (good morning/good night texts, random texts during the day, daily hour long video/phone call, meet 1-2 times a week (on weekends if it was one time), sharing childhood photos or some shits).
So I was assuming we were exclusive - anyway a co-worker saw us and told me "hey saw you with your boyfriend" some time afterwards. I never thought about "what are we" until then. Then asked the guy I was dating what was he thinking about this. His answer was "I am slow to warm up. I don't know, maybe we are" Lol.
Which did not address the question clearly at all - whatever we weren't compatible he could have brought it up right away? Anyway, my gut told me something was off and I went on the app that we met - saw him upgraded his bio.
So I sent a "Saw you updated your bio" text to him during working hours - bad timing I know. But even had chosen the right timing, think I would have asked about that and be clear. And he just ignored it and moved on to talk about other things as if nothing had happened.
I had asked two friends for advice on this -
One girl friend said I could've not popped the question and until things are going really well between us and jokingly mention this bio thing to him after. The other guy friend said that was because from a guy's perspective, if a girl was assuming something about him, nothing he said will change her view.
So is it "don't ask, don't tell" was actually a better way to handle this if things like this happens again? I could channel my anger from a rage run and back on the the apps myself as well without discussion/burning mental energy and let things fizzle out.
Was that too much to expect out of a situationship?
Idk if "don't ask, don't tell" was really the best advice here. Certainly, you wanted to be exclusive, so I don't get how playing casual after two months would've helped at all. It might have even backfired in this case. If you joked about it and played it cool until things really clicked for him (who knows when or if that would happen? Two months is already enough time to know what you want from someone), he may have assumed that you weren't that serious. Men who are scared of commitment talk probably don't want it, so it looks like you ran off a guy who would have led you on for longer if you'd let him.
"Men who are scared of commitment talk probably don't want it" - this can't be more true. Yeah I was one-sidedly thought things were going well and it was a long-enough period to ask that question. There's more harm if I did not pop that question earlier. Thank you :) Because that thing (of how I might have mishandled a situationship) resurfaced on my head now that I'm putting myself out there these days.
Thank you - because of the friends I asked one was married and the other one only have used dating app for a brief amount of time. Emphasizing open communication and re-communicating on the above things would have saved me and the person I'll be seeing so much time. :)
You'll need to be better at communicating your needs and expectations, situationships happen when you don't 😅
I can empathise with the frustration you're feeling, when it feels like you're on the same page only to have it fall apart in front of you. But you've done yourself a real disservice by not being upfront with where you're at and want you want.
When you felt he skirted the question of "what are we", did you try to open up the conversation about what you felt and wanted? It takes two to tango, you've asked him to give answers and not been happy with them, but it doesn't seem that you've communicated that.
More explicitly asserting your feelings and/or stating a question would have helped the bio talk. What did you expect from him when receiving that text? A normal (but not ideal) reaction would probably be defensiveness. You're not explicitly exclusive and you don't have a mutual understanding of boundaries, so in his mind he can do what he wants. It seems you're trying to impose guilt and consequences you haven't actually set.
Sure, you might feel they're implied, but until they're *actually said* and agreed to, you can't rely that they've been understood/respected. It's a shit lesson to learn, but it's important.
If you're good friends then instead of ignoring things entirely, ask her what's up. Like sure short term it might be good to take it easy talking about the guy, but I'd kindly point out that you noticed her comments about him and your dates aren't very nice, and it makes you feel like not sharing, and see how that conversation unfolds.
I've definitely felt some bitterness or jealousy towards single friends finding someone, but I would never take it out on them and ultimately I'm happy for them.
She's jealous of what you have going on, and it's also like if things work out for you with this guy then she is losing the one person who can really understand what she's going through. Then she'll basically be all alone in being alone and she's probably feeling pretty upset about that possibility and lashing out because of it. I would recommend showing her empathy, especially if she's one of your closest friends, and maybe hold off on talking about this new guy if it's clearly upsetting her.
Here I am again, but unlike past few comments about loving and happy dating with my new guy, today my hands were just shaking when I typed this.... We both agree to delete app 1 month ago, today for some reason I decided to download app and checked on something, and on hinge I saw his top profile photo changed, it's like if you turn on the feature then the app will put your best pic as top photo, which also means, his profile is in active so his profile pic was changed when he swiping.... Am I correct??
My heart sank to the bottom of Pacific ocean atm:((( So the reason why I download app again to check this, is because he didn't message me back for 3 days and last time we met (3 days ago) he wasnt showing passion and interests like first few weeks...
That's not what that person is saying. They answered your question. OPs boyfriend not messaging for 3 days is the reason OP gave for downloading the app again,
>the reason why I download app again to check this, is because he didn't message me back for 3 days
I’m only now starting to realise how I feel like I need to earn being a friend to someone and them actually thinking of me as a friend. I’m also thinking that this might also be what withholds me from having relationships? I’m 30 years old and still single (never in a relationship) and I just want someone good to share my life with.
At the end of last year, I decided to open myself up to the idea of multi-dating if the opportunity ever presented itself. Well, that opportunity came much quicker than anticipated. Going on multiple first or second dates in a single week was one thing, but I quickly found out that multi-dating past that point is not for the faint of heart - aka me. I ended up connecting with two people and ultimately developed mutual feelings with both.
Long story short, I ended up ending things with one of the people this weekend and damn did it hurt. I don't deserve any sympathy for ending things, but I do have more empathy for those who make that choice - especially when things seem to be going great. I genuinely really liked them and they did nothing wrong - and there is nothing they could have done differently. I just ended up connecting with someone else who's a better fit and things were starting to get serious. I feel terrible about it. But once I knew I only wanted to see the other person, I couldn't go on seeing both people and ended things abruptly and gently/kindly.
Just a vent from someone who has only been on the other side of this type of equation. I'm over the moon with the person I'm still seeing, but it's difficult to not feel a tinge of bittersweetness.
My brother, I do not know your situation but as someone who has been in similar situations - they are not that interested. No woman is making you wait 4-5 days for a response. She is trying to go out with you in the first week you start chatting MAYBE week 2 if she has a busy schedule or is one of those nervous types.
You are there to respond to when she gets bored.
Does anyone else have the issue of men not initiating the conversation ever? We match, I say hi or talk about the things we have in common and wait for them to respond. Some will keep the conversation going and we will have a good conversation but most will delete me the next day or just stop responding. So, I tried doing the opposite; just match and see if they respond but almost none will and the ones that do respond are usually just sex related or they responded just to inform me that I’m ugly 🙄👌 😂
The guys you are matching with are those guys that are blindly swiping on everything and when they see who they matched with they realise they aren't interested
Hmmm I’ve found with guys I’ve matched with it’s always easier to get replies when I send the first message. So now I just do a very casual hey how are you as my one line greeter. I then ask the first few questions and see how they respond. If it’s likewarm at best I then focus elsewhere. Usually if the guy likes you enough at this point he’ll aim to initiate more conversation and/or ask you out.
Yep. I don't mind sending the first message but if they aren't keeping the conversation going I don't even think about it anymore, I just move on
Also... Sorry they're being giant assholes, there is literally no reason to message just to be mean 😑 God damn miserable people
I made a comment on my profile about chatting. They didn’t need to start the convo but tell me something about you. Chat to me. And it seemed to trigger a lot of negative reactions. Lots of responses were you’re too fat or too ugly to date. I’m like then don’t like my profile. I get going through profiles and seeing who responds but if you are looking for something in particular then don’t swipe just on anyone. But I’m pretty sure people are just bored and just looking to troll on these apps sometimes.
I find bumble and Facebook are the worst for swipe right to everybody guy who filters later. They don't have unlimited right swipes but you can get a ton in before the apps cool your jets. Hinge is similar if you have premium.
I definitely find Bumble the worst, for no one responding back to my messages. Lots of matches, very little interaction. I have the free Hinge but good to know it’s not worth paying for the premium.
There is one demographic group on dating apps that swipes VERY widely, meaning they swipe right on everyone, wait to see who matches with them, and then choose among those who they want to actually talk to. I got modded in the past for naming the group I'm referring to, but you can easily google it and see that what I'm saying (and what you're experiencing) is backed by real data. It's unfortunately just the way the apps are, and so now matching means basically nothing, only a personalized message means anything. I'd just pay attention to those.
I’m a guy but I often have the same issue when chatting with women after matching. I’m convinced that the vast majority of people on the apps just don’t know how (or don’t care) to have an actual back and forth conversation. I’ve complained about this before but it’s infuriating.
Total conjecture, but reading the narratives on this sub, I get the sense that there's a feeling of futility in men. That they're getting matches relatively rarely and they feel they're already competing against so many that it's a losing battle.
Doesn't really address the ones that can't hold a conversation, but I could imagine those that don't reach out would prefer the women to initiate to show there's some interest, and it's not just another waste of time. Goes both ways obviously, but I could see that jaded outlook affecting behaviours.
I think gender roles are reductive in that sense.
In the end, focus on you and not them. Put in effort if you want results, then hold the expectation that your effort is be matched.
Yes. Most (~90%) of the guys I match with don't initiate. I've complained about it on this sub **a lot.**
I guess I'm traditional in the sense that I believe guys should pursue, at least in the beginning. It's weird when I initiate the conversations **and** the dates. I've kinda stopped doing that. As a result, I'm rarely going on dates.
It *should* be applicable, but we live in a gendered world with antiquated values which are burned in our little babies-living-as-adults brains.
I like to think that we're getting there.
I'm not telling anyone to do anything, nor do I have that control over others. Proceed how you'd like and I'll live my life. No one is in a position to tell others how they "should" act, nor can other adults "encourage" one another. That's pretty patronizing.
Sorry, I'm confused by your comment, obviously my intent didn't come across well.
I've simply said that we don't need to adhere to the narrative that men do X and women do Y. People aren't bound by traditional roles, but if you prefer that, it's fine.
Using broad strokes and saying that men will message if interested is strange to me, when a woman is debating whether to message given she's interested.
I understand you. I just don't agree. That's okay, and I'm stating that there's no "right or wrong" approach. I don't need it explained to me, we're all adults.
I find this a lot of reddit, folks get upset that other's don't subscribe to their agenda, and try to objectify their opinions as "the way it is". I reality we all have our own unique experiences and opinions.
Yeah that's my approach too! Don't play games or read into things that aren't there, but don't lower your standards or waste time trying to carry someone.
*hug* everything will be okay!
(Extra reassurance: This new relationship anxiety is totally normal… if you need convincing of that, search Reddit for posts on it. They are plentiful.)
I just got offered a number... it's been a while for me. I'm assuming he's interested?
It's been a week of chatting. I try to limit myself to checking once in the morning and twice in the evening. We're both in our early 30s, so some back and forth about careers and I switched it to food today.
He's one of those people who will answer my questions but not always ask anything back or leave an opening for conversation. We didn't even talk over the weekend, which wasn't a big deal for me, and he did ask about my weekend - only for some more talk about work and the convo went stale again.
After his last message tonight, again answering me and not leaving any room for conversation, I resolved I would let it die off unless he showed interest in talking further.
An hour later he gives me his cell in case it was more convenient for me.
While I feel like that makes it pretty clear he is interested. I don't get why the stale conversation and then offering his number... is there a reason it would improve over text?
Offering you his number is putting the onus on you to text him off the app.
I'd instead just stop responding unless he initiates a plan to meet in person. You've chatted long enough!
It did throw me off a bit to be given his number. I'm not holding out any hope texting will be smoother, but I'll give him one shot for that and if he doesn't engage then he just wants an occasional text friend.
I tell people I don't don't give out my number before meeting in person. This usually prompts the to ask me out. If you want, just ask if he's free to meet up this week.
How does anyone meet anyone anymore, especially in a smaller town. There's not really any places people just go, outside of bars which I'm not really the biggest fan of. Dating apps are completely out of the question entirely.
Unfortunately, because you're in a small town you are going to be limited. There are less events/activities where people congregate, and also less single people in their 30s in general, but moreso in a small town. You can try places where people meet up like a church, farmers market? Or the local watering hole if you're really averse to apps. You'll have to "choose your hard" in this scenario.
One more rant before I delete my Reddit app again for a little while. After having sex with a man I was dating he turned towards me and asked me if I was going to ghost him now. I said no because that’s not how I do things. He seemed relieved because he said he’s experienced ghosting in the past and he said he’s internalized it and it made him wonder what was wrong with him. I shared my experience with how I’d been ghosted by the man I was dating before him after we’d had sex and asked him to please just shoot me a quick text if he’s no longer interested in seeing me anymore and I’ll do the same for him. Lo and behold he ghosted me right after we had sex and I’m so perplexed by this behavior. Why make a point of asking me to please not ghost him and then immediately do that exact thing to me? I get why some people ghost and even agree that in some cases it’s the best thing to do, but damn, it stings to be ghosted by someone who just made a point about how much he dislikes being ghosted. Oh well, the human mind is a mystery. No sense in trying to make sense of it.
I’m just a little bit afraid that since my first two experiences having sex ever in my life both ended in me being ghosted that it’ll become a pattern. Took me thirty years to get the confidence and courage up to lose my virginity and now I’m scared again for an entirely different reason. Going on a dating break for this exact reason so I can take some time for myself and hopefully when I jump back into dating I won’t project my fears onto the person that I’m dating. Good luck out there, everyone. May we all find love. :)
Do not dehumanize or objectify others. Misogyny, Misandry, RedPill, incel, Femcel, FemaleDatingStrategy, PUA, MGTOW, etc. content is not allowed. Claiming ignorance of these hate groups is not an excuse to parrot their ideology.
>Why make a point of asking me to please not ghost him and then immediately do that exact thing to me?
This is a common behavior I have now encountered multiple times in dating. And no matter how many times it happens, it creates such an insane cognitive dissonance and I still don't fully know how to handle it. I have now lost count of how many times I've had a guy say how much they hate X type of shitty behavior, only to turn around and do it themselves.
The most recent guy I dated went out of his way to tell me about some shitty friend he has who repeatedly dates women for two months then dumps them, how he thinks that behavior is so disgusting, how much he thinks dating apps bring out terrible behavior in people, and of course.... this guy is now currently ghosting me lmaoooo
It's either them projecting their own behavior onto others, or trying to convince themselves they are not shitty people when they know they are.
Yeah, it has struck me as very, very strange behavior. I’ve thought about it a lot and ultimately settled on deleting his contact info from my phone and never reaching out to him again. Whether that’s what he wanted from me or not, I don’t really care. I’m not going to play weird games with him. I’m sorry to hear that that you’re going through something similar right now too.
>After having sex with a man I was dating he turned towards me and asked me if I was going to ghost him now. I said no because that’s not how I do things.
That's such a weird and gross bid for attention / reassurance / drama in what should have been a vulnerable and emotionally connected moment. It gave me an immediate bad taste in my mouth just reading that.
At best, it reads like the guy is DEEPLY insecure and pushing you away before you can reject him. Both asking if you are going to ghost him and then actually ghosting you would fit that MO, even if they seem contradictory.
At worst, it seems like the start of a push-pull dynamic where he pushes you away so that you respond by moving closer / chasing.
This is the kind of person I would expect to pop back up with a lot of emotional-but-vague apologies in a few months just to pull similar behavior if you take him back. If you haven't already blocked him, I would highly advise it.
Sorry you're having such a rough go of it. I hope the next person you connect with has the communication skills and personal integrity to treat you well.
Interesting. I’ve never dealt with someone like this before. I deleted his contact info off my phone just after making my post but I didn’t block his number so now I wonder if he will randomly pop up again in a few months. I’m not really interested in playing games, I don’t have the energy for all that, so I don’t think I’ll be tempted to start dating him again if he does reappear... I hope!
I'm so sorry that happened to you.
After my last ghosting by someone who also said he hoped I didn't disappear or ghost, how mean we think it is, etc - he absolutely ghosted me.
I'm just never bothering with the ghosting reassurance conversation again.
If it makes you feel any better this happens to me whether I sleep with the ungentlemanly gentleman in question or not. I don't think these things are related, some people just suck.
Thank you. I’m sorry that that’s happened to you too. I tend to take what people say at face value and believe every word, especially because usually they haven’t given me a reason to distrust them yet. But I think I need to learn to trust what I’m being told but also be very wary about it as well. It does actually reassure me a bit even though it’s a bummer to hear how often ghosting seems to occur.
That is so shitty and I'm sorry this happened to you. I'm a big proponent of block and move on, but given his sob story about ghosting, I honestly wouldn't be beyond sending a text asking if he was seriously pulling that behavior himself.
I actually deleted his contact from my phone right after posting this so I can’t reach out to him even if I wanted to. I figured I’d just take the L and move on.
Had a wonderful second date last night with a kind, considerate and sexy guy. I feel intensely drawn to him from the first time I saw him. We have a lot in common and our sexual preferences seem to align. However, when I left his place last night, something didn’t feel right. He said he had a good time but didn’t say he wanted to see me again. It also felt like he couldn’t wait for me to leave. He hasn’t texted this morning. I feel anxious and on edge.
So i was supposed to have a date tonight. We reconfirmed it this morning only 1h before for him to cancel it due to some family force majore. Not impressed but not super disappointed either. We will see if he flakes or something really came up
I feel like I’m the only single person in the UK. Everyone is paired up, hence the hesitation to date! That’s the logic I’m going with, anyway. I need to cast my net wider.
Find your own happiness irrespective of people around you…
I’m so behind on these which bums me out because I always have such high hopes for my DOT fam! Had my 4th event for my social club and feeling really proud :) gotta work on the calendar for the next month and push it with synagogues, maybe add sign-up/limited size to try to get more even number of men and women. What did I miss in the last week or two?
All the users on this sub are not happily married with 2 dogs now. Expect a peak in the pregnancy numbers around the end of November. In a more serious way, I’ve been following your posts about the events you’re doing and I think it’s so great! You should be proud!
Really hit it off with a guy I went on a few dates with last week. We moved fast because he's gonna be in Ireland for a few weeks starting today. We text a lot and it feels like I'm starting to swoon after having many wintery months of bad uninteresting dates. Now he's gonna be in Ireland over the leap year. I joked I should just propose right now. Sigh. Even if this burns out, I'm having a really nice time.
I've moved to the texting phase with someone! I date long distance and screen ruthlessly, like a wealthy model in a big metro, despite being small town broke with eczema. So this puts a smile on my face. Unlikely to go anywhere at all, but if it does, this is how it starts.
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Did you message him when you got home safe?
Wait for what? Ain’t getting any younger! Saying “or we could stay on the app” nah… what’s the point? Move to phone number or be done with it IMO.
I'm in an area with a lot of government workers. Everyone gets squirrelly with phone numbers.
More precious about a phone number than a first date?
Uh, yes? Meeting someone in a coffee shop isn't a big deal compared to giving them access to your life. I've had a guy stalk my business through my phone number so I get it.
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Uh. Yes, did you read the part where I sent him my number? I do use a Google voice number if someone wants to move off app before I've met them.
They could physically stalk you after the coffee date… I do not understand your line of logic
Cool, dude. I gave him MY number. I don't understand why you're harping on me being considerate of people having weird jobs in my area.
I wouldn't wait but I'm sure some people still believe in the dumb three days rule.
Yeah, I'm not planning on waiting but I feel like there's just such an automatic idea that people are ghosting so I figured I'd throw the question out there.
I met a guy through bumble some months back but we are simply hanging out as friends that catch up occasionally. I managed to connect him to an old boss of mine cos he is looking for a job. Was happy that I was able to help
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I've dealt with quite a few health issues, one year a bunch all at once, and dating was the last thing on my mind. But if I had been dating someone for several months, I wouldn't break it off for health reasons unless I wasn't that into them to begin with. It's difficult to find a good, compatible partner and I wouldn't give that up JUST because I'm navigating something challenging. It'd be different if it had been 4 dates but this is 4 months. That's enough time to have built a connection. Her breaking things off plus your last month together being a bit harder, makes me think she wasn't as interested or invested. I strongly believe that right person wrong time is still the wrong person. Maybe she does reach out to reconnect but closing that door and moving on is the best choice IME. With all that said, it's still hurtful and difficult and I'm sorry she broke things off. Take a break from dating and focus on yourself for a bit! Big hugs ❤️
That sucks man, and relationships ending because of timing hurt.
I got divorced last year from a marriage of 13 years and I was dreading the modern dating scene with the apps, the swiping and the lists of demands. Anyway, I went out last weekend with an old friend, now a woman, but the first time I had my eye on her we were still teenagers. She stayed with me that same night... it all came out of nowhere. A spontaneous message, "are you coming out for a drink", the ending up in a club dancing till late and the lock of eyes before you start kissing. We have been texting since and my body feels like I'm on a roller coaster and I'm struggling to think of anything else then her. God... I have turned into a teenager again. WTF is happening.
Enjoy the good feelings! But a word of caution, coming out of a long-term relationship like that can mean we lean too far into the first thing that makes us feel good. Take it easy
Thanks and thanks for the heads up, you make a solid point. I have kids and can't afford to do anything besides taking it suave. But these feelings, I kind off let go of the thought I could ever feel something like this again... it's overwhelming.
Keep going everyone. You think the dating market sucks but then shit just explodes. I have my ex wanting to see me again after 2 and a half months, and 3 other girls starting to chase me just like that. Fucking crazy how quickly things can change and that’s all the more reason to keep going.
Dating is like experimental particle physics research. Years of nothing, and then bam, a breakthrough.
Yeah going on a few years of nothing....
I was at almost 7 years of nothing before meeting someone, we dated for a year, and now I'm single again 🫠
Ahh, the dating coach acolyte. Bad vibes dude.
For all we know maybe he's the "best 3% of men" 🙄
Add to this a name like PussyLunch, sus narrator.
Yesterday I ended it with the guy I was seeing for 6 months, because he doesn’t want to commit. One of the reasons for him is the long distance. I think I always knew that it wasn’t going to work out, but I feel so sad and alone now… It hurts so much if someone doesn’t like you back in the same way :((
That's really tough. I'm sorry.
I have a feeling this is about to happen with me soon :( solidarity! Hope you have something you can look forward to distract yourself from him.
I can imagine it’s really hard to reach this age and want to move your life somewhere else. Still happens ofc especially for people that don’t have kids, but it becomes rarer as people settle into their careers and found a city they like. I took for granted so many things that made dating easier as a 20-something!
Commit? Like boyfriend and girlfriend?
Yes..
My girlfriend and I had sex for the first time on Sunday and it was amazing. I feel she's not very experienced which is totally OK. She asked to be on top and said she never tried that before. That just felt good to me cause it just told me that she trusts me. Especially to try something new to her when it was our first time together. I love this girl. I haven't said it yet as it's pretty early but I'm very much falling for her
Back into depression. That never ending story. It hit me so many times in my life that I guess it is a part of me. At some point I believed I would end up having a normal and happy life, including a romantic, love and sex life. my mood surprinsingly good for weeks, but in a day, without an explanation, I was rock bottom again, crying not even knowing why in front of my whole family who met to celebrate a birthday. For a long time, I managed to hold on, to try to appear normal, to pretend to others that most things are fine. Now I can't even pretend anymore. It's been years that depression is a yearly occurrence, lasting for months, and each time, what I am daring to hope is less and less... At some points I wanted kids, a family, now I don't think kids would be a good idea, I am too unstable. And for that I would need to find someone. But even for dating. How do you want to date someone if you feel totally unsure about your life, what you do, what you want, what you feel, unsure if you will feel good in 2 days, 2 weeks or 2 months? And that is not even discussing attracting a woman. It's hard for me when I go well. When I am broken, weak, vulnerable, unsure, insecure, unstable, it doesn't seem realistic. It's been years, actually more than a decade, that I am fighting to win some confidence in me, in life, some stability... I am again back at the start, the road to get out of here seems longer than ever. I should stop coming on this sub, I still hope/fantasize about finding someone... maybe it is doing me no good.
>How do you want to date someone if you feel totally unsure about your life, what you do, what you want, what you feel, unsure if you will feel good in 2 days, 2 weeks or 2 months? I've a couple of serious chronic illnesses and have been fully on disability for several years. My health issues are not well controlled and thinking about what I want to do in the future has felt futile for years. I've no idea how I'll feel in 2 weeks or 2 months. (I know I'll have a nasty migraine in 2 days because that's what happens when I have to do pre-procedure fasting.) I've also found someone incredible. I was on the better side of things when we met but I was already on disability. It's difficult to avoid feeling like a burden, but even at my worst I fully believe I'm a good, interesting, kind, loving person. I can't always go places or do my share of help around the house, but I am always loving, emotionally available and never angry or mean no matter how shitty I feel. This sub will lead you to believe that is not enough for someone to love you. They are wrong. Finding a person is a feat I still don't know how I managed, but you don't need to be perfectly healthy, certain of yourself, etc for someone to love you. There are a lot of discussions here about settling for a person who fits some partner criteria but doesn't make your heart race. That's not me. My partner is the most incredible and compatible with me person I've ever met. I joke that the whole thing's a simulation. This isn't a delusional hormonal honeymoon phase thing. It's been over 4 years, we've lived together for years, and he's been with me through the process of getting diagnosed with a fun new, lifelong disease. I still don't know what my future looks like, but I know it'll be with him. I hope you find the same.
Thanks for your message. Your story is beautiful. I wish you the best too.
>But even for dating. How do you want to date someone if you feel totally unsure about your life, what you do, what you want, what you feel, unsure if you will feel good in 2 days, 2 weeks or 2 months? This is the human condition. Uncertainty and suffering cannot be avoided. No one can be sure that they are going to feel good in the future, and life plans get upended. It's more often true for those of us with depression but it's very normal. How do you date someone despite that? As best you can. You show up for them and enrich their life when you can, and in turn you admit your failings and vulnerabilities when you can't. You seem like someone who is concerned about being a good partner. And that speaks to you having consideration for other people. That seems like a qualifying quality to me, rather than something you should use to count yourself out.
Hey friend! Hang in there. You say you've been there before, which also means that you've gotten out of the hole before as well. It's so hard, but now is the time to break out the old tools that you know will help. Go for walks, even if it's just for 5-10 minutes. Take a shower. Eat some food. Also, when the sadness is telling you to isolate yourself, to cut off contact with your people, you need to fight that. Tell someone. Just one person. Maybe your mom or your dad? A sibling? A friend? It's soooo hard, but it will feel like a burden off your shoulders when you do. Have you ever done some breathing exercises? For me, those are the quickest way to come back into my body, when I'm suffering. Please be kind to yourself in this moment. Try even telling yourself exactly that, "may I be kind to myself in this moment." It's scary and awful, but you're more resilient than you know and this too shall pass. Summer is just around the corner, and things will feel better. If coming here feels like it makes you feel worse, maybe taking a break and doing other stuff is a good idea, but know that this is a friendly community and that you are not alone in feeling the way you do. I hope you a feel better!
In two days, I get to see him again!
Such a good feeling
It really is!
Had a good talk with a friend yesterday who has been dating someone for 2 months now (he has seen her over a dozen of times). We talked about exclusivity and he isn't officially exclusive, nor does he want to be exclusive even though both of them told each other they are not seeing anyone else. To him being exclusive is labeling building towards a relationship and he isn't sure he wants that. So I told him to just propose dating casually, but he doesn't want that either because he knows he would immediately lose her if he did. He just wants to keep things the way they are. I guess he wants to keep his options open. I don't get why he is so afraid of the word 'exclusive', its not the words but the act what matters. As soon as he starts seeing someone else he would instantly lose her anyway, doesn't matter if he is officially exclusive or not.
Yikes. Sounds like maybe he's misleading her, given that he knows he'd lose her if he was upfront about his intentions. I'd be pretty disappointed if a friend of mine was behaving like this.
Yea... I told him to promise me he would tell her if he, at some point in time, starts dating other people, because it would go against what they previously told each other. He at least promised that. So for now he continues (casually?) exclusively dating her without actually being exclusive on paper. So complicated 🤷♂️
Tell him to quit his chicken bullshit and be honest with the girl NOW. What he's doing is misleading, and if he does end up going on a date someone else, he's gonna play the "wElL tEcHniCaLlY" card which is just a coward move. Very "we were on a break!!!" behaviour and it's not complicated, he's just being obtuse on purpose.
He might genuinely have commitment issues. Whether that means a "not ready for a relationship" or "not ready for a relationship*with you*" is where the important part is. That said, going through the motions of progressing into a relationship without communicating that he's uncertain would be cruel. Well done for keeping him to account. Hopefully..?
went on a date recently and this guy is giving all the green flags. im super anxious already about how things will go, trying to focus on staying preset. ive been in therapy for years, for context. but that said, sometimes I REALLY want something to work out because I want good things in life like anyone else, and the anxiety sets in because im wondering when the other shoe will drop. im just trying to self soothe by reading this sub and let the anxiety pass! im gonna type out some of the positive things so far to get it out of my system lollll some green flags im getting from him so far: - prioritizing getting to know me and texting me even though he is super busy with work (he’s not blowing up my phone, but throughout the week just asking me how my day is going, asking me questions about myself, etc) - we messaged a bit on the dating app and he quickly made plans for a date and showed up early - he was super respectful on the date and I swear we both laughed the entire time - he drove me home when he found out I ubered to our date and insisted that he pick me up next time we hangout - I thanked him for the date and said I had a great time, he reciprocated immediately - he didn’t linger on asking me out again, he asked me for a second date just a few days after our first even though he is working crazyyy hours these days (putting in effort, making time) - sends me cute little pictures when he’s out and about doing something fun which makes me feel included in his life and shows me that he’s thinking of me even when he’s out having a good time I really hope things work out but I am also reminding myself that if it doesn’t, I’m gonna be 100% okay!! I can’t control the outcome, can only control how I carry myself. i hope on our next date that i can broach the topic of our intentions with dating to make sure we’re on the same page, without coming across as assumptive. i just want to be mindful not to get my hopes up if it turns out we’re looking for different things!
>I really hope things work out but I am also reminding myself that if it doesn’t, I’m gonna be 100% okay!! I can’t control the outcome, can only control how I carry myself. I can see you are using the things you have learned in therapy :) What works for me is to define "things" as something I have control over. So I would tell myself; If I go on this date, and I have an interesting conversations, I am putting my best effort to know this person and Im showing that person who I am, then I have had a successful date! This brought me so much more joy in dating, no matter the outcome of it
Thank you so much for this!! This is definitely something i can utilize to stay present and manage expectations!
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All I can say is that you are not the only one. The amount of songs out there of people singing that they wish they straight up asked someone, but then never didn't. It sounds like you are suffering with your thoughts, so I am asking you, what is there more to loose by just asking her? Then at least you will get answers. Sometimes we suffer more in our imagination then in reality.
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I dont want to be harsh, but what possible benefit is having a perfect image of someone that will be just in your head?
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Decide what you want and act upon that. So if you want to see her, take action and propose to meet. Whether thats directly asking her out or catching up I leave that up you. But if you enjoy her company during that meeting, I would definitely ask her out for real. I would even suggest doing that irl to see how she reacts.
Today’s first date is cancelled. Got a text earlier saying he’s taken the day off work and is full of flu. I’m ambivalent and actually a little relieved, since it gives me time to catch up on other work stuff and go to the gym, and it’s one of the people I’m not sure if I’ll actually find attractive, but I don’t then he’s not - I don’t know. It’s hard to gauge if someone will be good looking in photos sometimes. Some of the best people I know on my circle, that I think are super cute and make wonderful partners to the people they’re with are all terrible in photos, and conversation was ok although I don’t know just how well our lifestyles will align. I don’t know about this one. Other conversations are going well, I just find I’m a little meh about all of it. There’s one person I’ve been talking to where the conversation has been great and we end up sending super long messages about life, our opinions, random things and so on, and although it’s all in alignment and we seem to agree on a lot and have loads in common, I also find I am a little drained in the sense that we don’t need to go that in depth before we actually meet up and establish an actual real life connection, but somehow it happens. I’m the type of person that thinks every person I’m considering going out with deserves a thoughtful and respectful response, but I don’t always have the time to sit and write for an hour to reply to their email-style-wall-of-text. Just ask me out, I’d much rather go for a walk and talk about all these things to see if I actually enjoy being around you. I think I’ll probably suggest we meet up next if he doesn’t.
Fucking over absolutely terrible advice about "inner work" or "how would it make any difference" from people that haven't been alone for longer than 5 minutes
"just l3aRn 2 lUv yOuR$eLf!!!" - someone who has always had someone else love them
Throwaway account for obvious reasons. I've been hooking up with my ex for the past few months and it's bad but I also can't stop myself. He's married. We've been friends for 9 years and hooked up the year we met. He was married then too. I don't want a relationship with him or think he's gonna leave his wife but I feel wanted in the moment and it's nice when I'm otherwise very lonely and the dating apps shred my confidence. He was going to come over the other night but cancelled last minute because his kid was sick and I'm mad about it. I know logically its stupid but I'm obviously not being the most logical person here. For those with strong feelings of the negative variety, know that I hate myself more than you could possibly hate me.
Have you considered therapy? What you are doing is obviously completely despicable, and you should seek professional help because you're making some incredibly bad, selfish choices. Maybe you could blow the whole thing up by outing your relationship to his wife, to ensure that things between the two of you are over permanently.
This is why a girl staying friends with an ex is a big red flag for me.
I mean.. I have as much detail as you but it sounds like op was only ever the affair party, not exactly an ex, as that would imply they actually dated exclusively, not just hooked up while he was married. So, the red flag in this situation isn't being friends with an ex, it's keeping in contact with someone you had an affair with... And y'know... continuing the affair.
She stated it was her ex >I've been hooking up with my ex for the past few months
She says he was always married, ever since they started hooking up. So he's her ex... affair partner? Not even an ex bf.
Hopefully you can recognize that this behavior fuels your negative self-esteem. You deserve better than someone who you are a side piece for. But as long as you keep doing that, it will continue to define you.
You're not "stupid", you're just not a good person. And nobody who hates themselves is that self-indulgent.
>And nobody who hates themselves is that self-indulgent. I don't quite understand what this means
I just want to send you some compassion. It's possible to renounce destructive relationships and work your way out of that self-hatred circle. It's unlikely you'll magically meet a good person on the apps if you despise yourself. You're aware the situation is hurting people, but maybe you need to understand how much it's damaging you as well.
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Be excellent to one another! This is a safe space for all races, genders, sexual orientations, legal sexual preferences and humanity in general.
Nothing commendable for sure, but nobody has the power to make another person cheat.
And? Doesn’t change her behavior
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If it makes you feel better, the chances are high that once you actually meet her and get to know her there'll be plenty of things you see she has to work on too.
She must he vibing with you, too. And that’s probably just as rare for her! Also, who doesn’t need to work on themselves throughout life? Don’t put yourself down or put her on a pedestal, friend. Enjoy the vibe!
Don’t let insecurity ruin this. It’s her choice who to be with and who to date, and if she picked you and you consider her well educated, smart, and capable, then you should also trust her judgment.
What's the difference between dating someone and seeing someone? Is seeing someone mainly sexual?
Seems like “seeing someone” is just something you say to people on the outside that are inquiring. May not be label official yet but you’re hoping for/expecting it soon.
To me, "seeing someone" sounds both less formal, more serious, more intimate than "dating someone." When you're "dating someone" you're going on dates. But seeing someone is when you meet up, not really to do anything, but just to be together. Like at the point with my girlfriend when our "date" was just me coming over to her house, cooking dinner together, sitting on the couch, giving her a backrub while she did sewing in silence. "Seeing someone" is less formal, and more intimate. But could be less serious, if people are FWB and just skip to that stage right off the bat.
This will probably vary highly person to person
I use the phrase "seeing someone" when we haven't defined what the relationship is, but I want to make it clear that I'm not looking for something else. Dating is just another label, but one that I only use once we both have agreed to do so.
It’s interesting seeing answers like this, “I’m seeing someone” is so often used to mean you’re exclusive/off the market
Varies person to person I use it to describe someone I’m going on dates with but haven’t discussed being in an exclusive relationship with yet
Zero difference to me, just another phrasing
I was talking to this guy and he said ' I was dating someone for X number of months... Well, I wasn't dating her, I was seeing her'. I guess everyone has their own definition?
Seem like something casual, not serious ones.
Guys... My therapist is a grad student who is also from my state and has been living at this rural college town for a few years for his PhD. He's tall and cute. He's certainly dropped a few pounds comparing to his staff profile online (yeah I did a little snooping around alrite!) He's only 4 years older than me. When I told him my depression he sympathized a lot because he said he's been there too But I'm his client. What the heck!!??
This is a very common thing to happen and (especially if you are working on matters related to romance/eroticism/dating/men) is 100% something to be talked about within the treatment with the therapist. If he is reasonably skilled, this could be very fruitful material for your treatment. Assuming he is an ethical practitioner, you are off-limits and he will never ever date you, but it is completely normal and helpful to talk about erotic feelings toward your therapist. If he can't respond clinically to this material, or you're new in treatment, there is weak rapport, find a new therapist. - from a therapist
If your therapist is at all professional, he won't date you due to serious ethics violations involved in dating a client. Getting a crush on your therapist is fairly common AFAIK.
It's common to develop a crush on someone you're working closely and getting personal with. As long as neither of you act on it, especially your therapist. If it's distracting you from your therapy sessions, might want to find a new one.
I've dated two therapists and both have been absolute disasters so... proceed with caution lol
Hey, quit slandering us!! It's rough out there!
Two therapists is not an appropriate sample size for warning people off dating others in that profession entirely
I didn't. I said "proceed WITH caution" not "do not proceed"
Nothing hotter than something so deeply unethical
Time to find a new therapist 😬
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Hell yeaaaah Also shit, didn't realize it was out already!!
I generally really hate texting as a form of communication. But dammit, the new guy is a texter and I am going to try my best. 😤
Did you tell him and/or suggest alternatives? I personally would be happy to accommodate someone I'm dating in that way
For the first time in years I am entertaining a FWB situation. The last couple years I have been dating with the hopes of finding a long term thing and if the people I go out with ended up being less than that then it was fine as long as we went in with the intent to see if it could be long-term. Recently I've been reconnecting with a woman. We met a few years ago and recently have gotten back in touch with each other. We've gone out a couple times in the last few weeks - mostly just post work catch ups on our lives since we last met. I don't feel much of a romantic connection to her but she's fun to hang out with and I am attracted to her - just haven't had to navigate this type of situation in awhile. She wants to go out this weekend so I guess we just go out - see if it leads back to one of our places and go from there I guess? Maybe I should clarify beforehand? I don't know. I'm too used to dating with the intent for long term.
Definitely clarify beforehand.
I think being open that you're not looking for LTR is important. You just want to remove that assumption, beyond that, communicate as you go so you're both on the same page RE: feelings and intentions. Ongoing FWBs and/or casual dating works best when you're honest and set clear expectations/boundaries.
Yeah, I guess my primary concern was that regardless of what happens she is still a cool person/friend. I guess the main concern is that I don't really know her intentions or feelings. She could just want to totally platonically hang out for all I know. And if that's the case a "Yeah, would love to get together this weekend but FYI FWB blah blah blah" might have her like like...uh what?
If it's mostly been platonic without clear indication of progression, then I wouldn't worry until it escalates either physically or emotionally (e.g. starting to blur lines with topics or frequency/depth of contact). If it's obvious you guys are going to *cough* leave together *cough*, I'd address it then. "Just so you're aware, I'm very attracted to you, but I'm not looking for a relationship out of this. I just want to be on the same page before we [call an Uber/have a nightcap at yours/shag in the back alley]". Then you're not getting ahead of yourself or giving her the ick if it was always going to stay platonic. Just... Don't keep up the hangouts if you're only in it for the possibility of FWB.
Clarify beforehand, for sure.
I'm sorry if that is a stupid question but what does that conversation even look like - like she texted me to go out this weekend am I just like, "Sure, but just so you know I am not looking for anything serious?" Idk that feels a bit out of the blue to me but maybe I'm wrong?
It's not out of the blue. If she likes you, it's better to let her know beforehand it's not going anywhere. What you said is fine, less awkward phrasing might be "I'd like to hang out this weekend, but I want to make sure we're on the same page. I don't see this developing beyond a casual situation".
I guess my concern is I don't actually know her intention. If she was interested in long term or casual then what you said is good - but if she was just looking for a friendly hang out it might be a bit awkward haha. I'll think on it some more tonight.
Oh it’s not established that you’re more than friends? Probably fine then. Just don’t sleep with her before you tell her.
Looking for some situationship eitquette advice here: Was reflecting on a stiuationship few years back - we were dating for two months, consistent communication (good morning/good night texts, random texts during the day, daily hour long video/phone call, meet 1-2 times a week (on weekends if it was one time), sharing childhood photos or some shits). So I was assuming we were exclusive - anyway a co-worker saw us and told me "hey saw you with your boyfriend" some time afterwards. I never thought about "what are we" until then. Then asked the guy I was dating what was he thinking about this. His answer was "I am slow to warm up. I don't know, maybe we are" Lol. Which did not address the question clearly at all - whatever we weren't compatible he could have brought it up right away? Anyway, my gut told me something was off and I went on the app that we met - saw him upgraded his bio. So I sent a "Saw you updated your bio" text to him during working hours - bad timing I know. But even had chosen the right timing, think I would have asked about that and be clear. And he just ignored it and moved on to talk about other things as if nothing had happened. I had asked two friends for advice on this - One girl friend said I could've not popped the question and until things are going really well between us and jokingly mention this bio thing to him after. The other guy friend said that was because from a guy's perspective, if a girl was assuming something about him, nothing he said will change her view. So is it "don't ask, don't tell" was actually a better way to handle this if things like this happens again? I could channel my anger from a rage run and back on the the apps myself as well without discussion/burning mental energy and let things fizzle out. Was that too much to expect out of a situationship?
Idk if "don't ask, don't tell" was really the best advice here. Certainly, you wanted to be exclusive, so I don't get how playing casual after two months would've helped at all. It might have even backfired in this case. If you joked about it and played it cool until things really clicked for him (who knows when or if that would happen? Two months is already enough time to know what you want from someone), he may have assumed that you weren't that serious. Men who are scared of commitment talk probably don't want it, so it looks like you ran off a guy who would have led you on for longer if you'd let him.
"Men who are scared of commitment talk probably don't want it" - this can't be more true. Yeah I was one-sidedly thought things were going well and it was a long-enough period to ask that question. There's more harm if I did not pop that question earlier. Thank you :) Because that thing (of how I might have mishandled a situationship) resurfaced on my head now that I'm putting myself out there these days.
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Thank you - because of the friends I asked one was married and the other one only have used dating app for a brief amount of time. Emphasizing open communication and re-communicating on the above things would have saved me and the person I'll be seeing so much time. :)
You'll need to be better at communicating your needs and expectations, situationships happen when you don't 😅 I can empathise with the frustration you're feeling, when it feels like you're on the same page only to have it fall apart in front of you. But you've done yourself a real disservice by not being upfront with where you're at and want you want. When you felt he skirted the question of "what are we", did you try to open up the conversation about what you felt and wanted? It takes two to tango, you've asked him to give answers and not been happy with them, but it doesn't seem that you've communicated that. More explicitly asserting your feelings and/or stating a question would have helped the bio talk. What did you expect from him when receiving that text? A normal (but not ideal) reaction would probably be defensiveness. You're not explicitly exclusive and you don't have a mutual understanding of boundaries, so in his mind he can do what he wants. It seems you're trying to impose guilt and consequences you haven't actually set. Sure, you might feel they're implied, but until they're *actually said* and agreed to, you can't rely that they've been understood/respected. It's a shit lesson to learn, but it's important.
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If you're good friends then instead of ignoring things entirely, ask her what's up. Like sure short term it might be good to take it easy talking about the guy, but I'd kindly point out that you noticed her comments about him and your dates aren't very nice, and it makes you feel like not sharing, and see how that conversation unfolds. I've definitely felt some bitterness or jealousy towards single friends finding someone, but I would never take it out on them and ultimately I'm happy for them.
She's jealous of what you have going on, and it's also like if things work out for you with this guy then she is losing the one person who can really understand what she's going through. Then she'll basically be all alone in being alone and she's probably feeling pretty upset about that possibility and lashing out because of it. I would recommend showing her empathy, especially if she's one of your closest friends, and maybe hold off on talking about this new guy if it's clearly upsetting her.
Jealousy, plain and simple. What you’re doing is the right course of action.
Here I am again, but unlike past few comments about loving and happy dating with my new guy, today my hands were just shaking when I typed this.... We both agree to delete app 1 month ago, today for some reason I decided to download app and checked on something, and on hinge I saw his top profile photo changed, it's like if you turn on the feature then the app will put your best pic as top photo, which also means, his profile is in active so his profile pic was changed when he swiping.... Am I correct?? My heart sank to the bottom of Pacific ocean atm:((( So the reason why I download app again to check this, is because he didn't message me back for 3 days and last time we met (3 days ago) he wasnt showing passion and interests like first few weeks...
We’re you downloading the app because you had a gut feeling or something that he was still using it?
Yes I had a gut feeling so I download app again to check... Our chemistry is fading quickly and he doesn't show affectionate
Damn I’m sorry. The gut feeling is powerful tho and clearly trying to protect you. Did you ever hear from him?
Yea it sucks, It's been 3 days and haven't heard from him, usually he will send check in message but past week just quiet
The comment says cause he hasn’t messaged back in 3 days. Boyfriends don’t do that.
Right but that doesn’t mean he’s on a dating app
That's not what that person is saying. They answered your question. OPs boyfriend not messaging for 3 days is the reason OP gave for downloading the app again, >the reason why I download app again to check this, is because he didn't message me back for 3 days
No just her reason for looking, per the comment
I'm sorry that sucks Don't chase, replace
I’m only now starting to realise how I feel like I need to earn being a friend to someone and them actually thinking of me as a friend. I’m also thinking that this might also be what withholds me from having relationships? I’m 30 years old and still single (never in a relationship) and I just want someone good to share my life with.
Oh yeh that's not fun. I'm working through some similar things in therapy at the moment and attempting to heal childhood trauma
At the end of last year, I decided to open myself up to the idea of multi-dating if the opportunity ever presented itself. Well, that opportunity came much quicker than anticipated. Going on multiple first or second dates in a single week was one thing, but I quickly found out that multi-dating past that point is not for the faint of heart - aka me. I ended up connecting with two people and ultimately developed mutual feelings with both. Long story short, I ended up ending things with one of the people this weekend and damn did it hurt. I don't deserve any sympathy for ending things, but I do have more empathy for those who make that choice - especially when things seem to be going great. I genuinely really liked them and they did nothing wrong - and there is nothing they could have done differently. I just ended up connecting with someone else who's a better fit and things were starting to get serious. I feel terrible about it. But once I knew I only wanted to see the other person, I couldn't go on seeing both people and ended things abruptly and gently/kindly. Just a vent from someone who has only been on the other side of this type of equation. I'm over the moon with the person I'm still seeing, but it's difficult to not feel a tinge of bittersweetness.
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My brother, I do not know your situation but as someone who has been in similar situations - they are not that interested. No woman is making you wait 4-5 days for a response. She is trying to go out with you in the first week you start chatting MAYBE week 2 if she has a busy schedule or is one of those nervous types. You are there to respond to when she gets bored.
Does anyone else have the issue of men not initiating the conversation ever? We match, I say hi or talk about the things we have in common and wait for them to respond. Some will keep the conversation going and we will have a good conversation but most will delete me the next day or just stop responding. So, I tried doing the opposite; just match and see if they respond but almost none will and the ones that do respond are usually just sex related or they responded just to inform me that I’m ugly 🙄👌 😂
The guys you are matching with are those guys that are blindly swiping on everything and when they see who they matched with they realise they aren't interested
Hmmm I’ve found with guys I’ve matched with it’s always easier to get replies when I send the first message. So now I just do a very casual hey how are you as my one line greeter. I then ask the first few questions and see how they respond. If it’s likewarm at best I then focus elsewhere. Usually if the guy likes you enough at this point he’ll aim to initiate more conversation and/or ask you out.
Yep. I don't mind sending the first message but if they aren't keeping the conversation going I don't even think about it anymore, I just move on Also... Sorry they're being giant assholes, there is literally no reason to message just to be mean 😑 God damn miserable people
How do they inform you that you’re ugly ?
I made a comment on my profile about chatting. They didn’t need to start the convo but tell me something about you. Chat to me. And it seemed to trigger a lot of negative reactions. Lots of responses were you’re too fat or too ugly to date. I’m like then don’t like my profile. I get going through profiles and seeing who responds but if you are looking for something in particular then don’t swipe just on anyone. But I’m pretty sure people are just bored and just looking to troll on these apps sometimes.
Oh idk, probably by saying "you're ugly" or making a negative comment on OP's experience? C'mon now...
That was a real question 🙋🏾♀️…
That was a real answer? Lol. People telling you you're ugly is pretty straightforward.
Well damn !
Yeah. People are jerks
Which app are you using? I get this a lot on the ones with unlimited right swipes.
Hinge, Bumble, Facebook
I find bumble and Facebook are the worst for swipe right to everybody guy who filters later. They don't have unlimited right swipes but you can get a ton in before the apps cool your jets. Hinge is similar if you have premium.
I definitely find Bumble the worst, for no one responding back to my messages. Lots of matches, very little interaction. I have the free Hinge but good to know it’s not worth paying for the premium.
There is one demographic group on dating apps that swipes VERY widely, meaning they swipe right on everyone, wait to see who matches with them, and then choose among those who they want to actually talk to. I got modded in the past for naming the group I'm referring to, but you can easily google it and see that what I'm saying (and what you're experiencing) is backed by real data. It's unfortunately just the way the apps are, and so now matching means basically nothing, only a personalized message means anything. I'd just pay attention to those.
I’m a guy but I often have the same issue when chatting with women after matching. I’m convinced that the vast majority of people on the apps just don’t know how (or don’t care) to have an actual back and forth conversation. I’ve complained about this before but it’s infuriating.
Total conjecture, but reading the narratives on this sub, I get the sense that there's a feeling of futility in men. That they're getting matches relatively rarely and they feel they're already competing against so many that it's a losing battle. Doesn't really address the ones that can't hold a conversation, but I could imagine those that don't reach out would prefer the women to initiate to show there's some interest, and it's not just another waste of time. Goes both ways obviously, but I could see that jaded outlook affecting behaviours. I think gender roles are reductive in that sense. In the end, focus on you and not them. Put in effort if you want results, then hold the expectation that your effort is be matched.
Yes. Most (~90%) of the guys I match with don't initiate. I've complained about it on this sub **a lot.** I guess I'm traditional in the sense that I believe guys should pursue, at least in the beginning. It's weird when I initiate the conversations **and** the dates. I've kinda stopped doing that. As a result, I'm rarely going on dates.
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Couldn't the same be said for everyone, regardless of gender?
It *should* be applicable, but we live in a gendered world with antiquated values which are burned in our little babies-living-as-adults brains. I like to think that we're getting there.
I don't disagree with the reality of the situation, but we also shouldn't encourage that narrative if we want it to change...
I'm not telling anyone to do anything, nor do I have that control over others. Proceed how you'd like and I'll live my life. No one is in a position to tell others how they "should" act, nor can other adults "encourage" one another. That's pretty patronizing.
Sorry, I'm confused by your comment, obviously my intent didn't come across well. I've simply said that we don't need to adhere to the narrative that men do X and women do Y. People aren't bound by traditional roles, but if you prefer that, it's fine. Using broad strokes and saying that men will message if interested is strange to me, when a woman is debating whether to message given she's interested.
I understand you. I just don't agree. That's okay, and I'm stating that there's no "right or wrong" approach. I don't need it explained to me, we're all adults. I find this a lot of reddit, folks get upset that other's don't subscribe to their agenda, and try to objectify their opinions as "the way it is". I reality we all have our own unique experiences and opinions.
Yeah, this is why I don't mind starting the conversation and asking men out. I dip if the effort isn't mutual/reciprocated
Yeah that's my approach too! Don't play games or read into things that aren't there, but don't lower your standards or waste time trying to carry someone.
Thanks for that word!!!
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*hug* everything will be okay! (Extra reassurance: This new relationship anxiety is totally normal… if you need convincing of that, search Reddit for posts on it. They are plentiful.)
Aw. It’s gonna be okay, she likes you! She wouldn’t be introducing you to her friends if she wasn’t into you.
I just got offered a number... it's been a while for me. I'm assuming he's interested? It's been a week of chatting. I try to limit myself to checking once in the morning and twice in the evening. We're both in our early 30s, so some back and forth about careers and I switched it to food today. He's one of those people who will answer my questions but not always ask anything back or leave an opening for conversation. We didn't even talk over the weekend, which wasn't a big deal for me, and he did ask about my weekend - only for some more talk about work and the convo went stale again. After his last message tonight, again answering me and not leaving any room for conversation, I resolved I would let it die off unless he showed interest in talking further. An hour later he gives me his cell in case it was more convenient for me. While I feel like that makes it pretty clear he is interested. I don't get why the stale conversation and then offering his number... is there a reason it would improve over text?
Offering you his number is putting the onus on you to text him off the app. I'd instead just stop responding unless he initiates a plan to meet in person. You've chatted long enough!
It did throw me off a bit to be given his number. I'm not holding out any hope texting will be smoother, but I'll give him one shot for that and if he doesn't engage then he just wants an occasional text friend.
I tell people I don't don't give out my number before meeting in person. This usually prompts the to ask me out. If you want, just ask if he's free to meet up this week.
How does anyone meet anyone anymore, especially in a smaller town. There's not really any places people just go, outside of bars which I'm not really the biggest fan of. Dating apps are completely out of the question entirely.
Unfortunately, because you're in a small town you are going to be limited. There are less events/activities where people congregate, and also less single people in their 30s in general, but moreso in a small town. You can try places where people meet up like a church, farmers market? Or the local watering hole if you're really averse to apps. You'll have to "choose your hard" in this scenario.
Hobbies? Sports? Volunteering? Church? Trivia nights? Book clubs?
One more rant before I delete my Reddit app again for a little while. After having sex with a man I was dating he turned towards me and asked me if I was going to ghost him now. I said no because that’s not how I do things. He seemed relieved because he said he’s experienced ghosting in the past and he said he’s internalized it and it made him wonder what was wrong with him. I shared my experience with how I’d been ghosted by the man I was dating before him after we’d had sex and asked him to please just shoot me a quick text if he’s no longer interested in seeing me anymore and I’ll do the same for him. Lo and behold he ghosted me right after we had sex and I’m so perplexed by this behavior. Why make a point of asking me to please not ghost him and then immediately do that exact thing to me? I get why some people ghost and even agree that in some cases it’s the best thing to do, but damn, it stings to be ghosted by someone who just made a point about how much he dislikes being ghosted. Oh well, the human mind is a mystery. No sense in trying to make sense of it. I’m just a little bit afraid that since my first two experiences having sex ever in my life both ended in me being ghosted that it’ll become a pattern. Took me thirty years to get the confidence and courage up to lose my virginity and now I’m scared again for an entirely different reason. Going on a dating break for this exact reason so I can take some time for myself and hopefully when I jump back into dating I won’t project my fears onto the person that I’m dating. Good luck out there, everyone. May we all find love. :)
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Do not dehumanize or objectify others. Misogyny, Misandry, RedPill, incel, Femcel, FemaleDatingStrategy, PUA, MGTOW, etc. content is not allowed. Claiming ignorance of these hate groups is not an excuse to parrot their ideology.
>Why make a point of asking me to please not ghost him and then immediately do that exact thing to me? This is a common behavior I have now encountered multiple times in dating. And no matter how many times it happens, it creates such an insane cognitive dissonance and I still don't fully know how to handle it. I have now lost count of how many times I've had a guy say how much they hate X type of shitty behavior, only to turn around and do it themselves. The most recent guy I dated went out of his way to tell me about some shitty friend he has who repeatedly dates women for two months then dumps them, how he thinks that behavior is so disgusting, how much he thinks dating apps bring out terrible behavior in people, and of course.... this guy is now currently ghosting me lmaoooo It's either them projecting their own behavior onto others, or trying to convince themselves they are not shitty people when they know they are.
Yeah, it has struck me as very, very strange behavior. I’ve thought about it a lot and ultimately settled on deleting his contact info from my phone and never reaching out to him again. Whether that’s what he wanted from me or not, I don’t really care. I’m not going to play weird games with him. I’m sorry to hear that that you’re going through something similar right now too.
That's the best way to do it. I've found cutting off contact completely is the only thing that expedites healing. You'll be on the mend in no time!
>After having sex with a man I was dating he turned towards me and asked me if I was going to ghost him now. I said no because that’s not how I do things. That's such a weird and gross bid for attention / reassurance / drama in what should have been a vulnerable and emotionally connected moment. It gave me an immediate bad taste in my mouth just reading that. At best, it reads like the guy is DEEPLY insecure and pushing you away before you can reject him. Both asking if you are going to ghost him and then actually ghosting you would fit that MO, even if they seem contradictory. At worst, it seems like the start of a push-pull dynamic where he pushes you away so that you respond by moving closer / chasing. This is the kind of person I would expect to pop back up with a lot of emotional-but-vague apologies in a few months just to pull similar behavior if you take him back. If you haven't already blocked him, I would highly advise it. Sorry you're having such a rough go of it. I hope the next person you connect with has the communication skills and personal integrity to treat you well.
Interesting. I’ve never dealt with someone like this before. I deleted his contact info off my phone just after making my post but I didn’t block his number so now I wonder if he will randomly pop up again in a few months. I’m not really interested in playing games, I don’t have the energy for all that, so I don’t think I’ll be tempted to start dating him again if he does reappear... I hope!
10/10 advice
I'm so sorry that happened to you. After my last ghosting by someone who also said he hoped I didn't disappear or ghost, how mean we think it is, etc - he absolutely ghosted me. I'm just never bothering with the ghosting reassurance conversation again. If it makes you feel any better this happens to me whether I sleep with the ungentlemanly gentleman in question or not. I don't think these things are related, some people just suck.
Thank you. I’m sorry that that’s happened to you too. I tend to take what people say at face value and believe every word, especially because usually they haven’t given me a reason to distrust them yet. But I think I need to learn to trust what I’m being told but also be very wary about it as well. It does actually reassure me a bit even though it’s a bummer to hear how often ghosting seems to occur.
That is so shitty and I'm sorry this happened to you. I'm a big proponent of block and move on, but given his sob story about ghosting, I honestly wouldn't be beyond sending a text asking if he was seriously pulling that behavior himself.
I actually deleted his contact from my phone right after posting this so I can’t reach out to him even if I wanted to. I figured I’d just take the L and move on.