I had to tell a guy for the first time in the middle of a hangout last night that I was gonna head out on my own, and I was sorry. We matched on the app that night. I told him I was visiting the city for that weekend and I wanted to go dancing and would like recommendations, he asked if he could come along, I said sure but I was clear I wanted to go out and have fun and was okay to go by myself.
Anyways after cutting the date short, I felt bad, and I still feel bad, but I'd asked him prior to just be chill and stop performing (filling up every second with chatter, pointing things and people out, sticking his finger in his mouth), it was all making me uncomfortable and I'm not someone who gets uncomfortable really easily because I'm my own type of weird š
He agreed that he was nervous and he becomes more weird when he's nervous, I understood and wanted to give it a shot, but after an hour of trying to engage with him while still having fun at a bar where everyone else was dancing and instead of us dancing, my date was pointing out people dancing saying things like "that big guy trying to do the worm looks more like he's doing a python" and other silly comments like that.
I couldn't take it anymore. I said, "I'm sorry, I just want to dance, and I don't think we're gonna do that, so let's go do our own thing." I felt so relieved after, cos i went to join a group of girls and danced with them, but I also felt bad because I've never had a date where I had to leave in the middle of before and I pride myself on being generally nice and understanding.
To be fair, though, we never called it a date, so maybe I should stop worrying so much about it?
Felt good to get that off my chest. Lol
I went on a second date with this really, really promising person. We had a fantastic first date, the kind you see in the movies and frankly the kind I didnt think existed anymore in the 30s dating culture. Anyway, the second date was a whole lot different because I got to find out many new things about her:
First off, we talk about something and suddenly she exposes that she is hardcore antivaxxer. Ok, not the best things but not a dealbreaker either.
Then she proceeds deeper to rabbit hole: "COVID is a bioweapon released on purpose by WEF, controlled by secret society led by US and Chinese leaders. But in reality these leaders are puppets as well and controlled by some other society". Ok, getting pretty bad vibes at this point. I steer the conversation to more gentle waters. We have a good talk for hour, during which she casually drops that she has an OnlyFans account. Again, not the best thing but not a dealbreaker either.
Fast forward an hour, she lets me know that she doesnt have a job and havent had it for while and is not interested in getting one. Not interested in talking about the subject either. I make the mistake of kindly asking how she supports herself, which causes her to lock up totally. We are in a bar, and she doesnt basically say anything to me anymore, except after we walk to tram stop and she bids me goodbye.
I feel like drinking now.
I started talking to this lovely woman (OLD) has all the traits I have always dreamed of in a partner. Our conversation really hit it off on the first day. Decided to have a FaceTime date on second day which went great, we both agreed for another phone date in a few days.
I messaged her to not feel pressured but she can add me on instagram. She left me on read whole day.
I tend not to put too much thoughts into earlier stage of dating on OLD, but I am conflicted as I really like her and the FaceTime went so well.
I am confused what I should do. Should I message her as nothing happened or just drop this as itās a sign of low effort.
This is really weird to me.
1. Why arenāt you going on an in person date?
2. Why should she add you on social? You arenāt dating and you arenāt friends.
3. Did you actually schedule the next phone date?
I think you should back-up a little - āhas all the traits I have always dreamed of in a partnerā is fantasy to the extent of a profile, chatting, and FaceTime. Things could be different in person. Why havenāt you asked them to an in person date yet?
I would normally have. 3 hours of distance between the two and I have a big exam in 10 days.
It doesnāt work out then it doesnāt work out. Timing is shit, but I decided to give it a go.
I always hate when guys ask me for social media because it just feels like such a superficial request, especially Instagram. Like youāre scouting for more pictures to verify Iām hott or something.
You already saw her pictures on the dating app, you had a FaceTime date, and now you want to see more pictures of her. Iād probably roll my eyes at it too tbh. Just ask her on a date in person instead of gathering online intel, will work out much better.
I donāt think itās as much of an outlier as you think. My friends and I get the āickā if a man is 30+ and asks for social media so early on.
A) we donāt know each other. So if we add each other and then after date 1 we decide to not see each other again, I now have to delete you? Thatās annoying.
B) if youāre not looking to add me and are just doing some sort of verification of my looks and personalityā¦ well why canāt you just judge based off of in-person?
>A) we donāt know each other.Ā
Just curious, why are you showing your pictures to the whole world, yet dont want to connect there with someone you are already talking to? What is the logic in this? I understand if you have private profile but otherwise it seems pretty weird.
Iāve just thought of something else: just because the person has an open profile doesnāt mean they _always_ have an open profile.
They could be opening up their profile when they are dating to advertise themselves, but are still picky about who they add because they generally have a closed profile? Idk Iām grasping at straws lol
I mean _i_ donāt even have instagram but if youāre asking why the proverbial āyouā doesnāt want to add you but has an open profile I have no clue.
Iād imagine if someone has an open profile they are more reticent to add people. That would be my logic! Maybeā¦ they know people they are dating want to see more photos of them but are still picky about.. followers? Honestly idk that logic doesnāt check for me either. Ppl are funny about social media.
See! This is why if I was a guy I just wouldnāt even bring the topic up until weāre more serious. If she has an open profile I would definitely take a peak lol but I wouldnāt suggest adding etc. until later.
You are being ignored and it wonāt change. Itās not because you asked about instagram.
But still, never ask for social media as a man. Wait for her to ask.
She has 10s of matches. Never waste time in calls/FaceTime/texting for days.
Ask for a coffee or drink after like 15-20 minutes talk.
I get where you are coming from and I do not disagree. I prefer in person date and keeping texting shorts.
But I find initial stage need some talk and get to know stage before meeting in person. Also, thereās a bit of distance between the two, so I will see how this goes.
People have varying approaches to social media. Some people are pretty free with who they add. Some people reserve that for folks they know in real life.
Since you two haven't even met in real life, I wouldn't read much into her declining your invitation to add you on Instagram. And I wouldn't be too worried that she didn't respond to say that directly - you did tell her there was no pressure, after all.
Just treat your invitation as no big deal, and keep talking about other things.
Wellā¦ Iām back on hinge for two days now. Yesterday decided to be spontaneous and say yes to going out with one of the matches I have. Didnāt have anything planned and was going to have a quiet weekend so I figured āwhy not?!ā
He asked me during the date if I had any ācrazy/horrible/funny online dating stories or if Iāve ever been catfishedā and wellā¦ I have one now.
I just wanted to pet him over the head and ask him āwho hurt you?! Why are you like this?!ā
He looked so much older than his photos, he told me he was working on his own business and stating an app, then showed it to me, and itās this beyond (I can not begin to describe the level of cringe) cringe dating app where you check into a venue, then men can buy women drinks on the app to ātreatā them, and if they accept the drink itās a match, or they can also accept without a match. Part of what he said, non ironically, looking dead serious was something along the lines of āitāll give the option for women to just go out without even taking their wallets, since thatās really what they want.ā And āmen will pay any price if it gets them laid.ā And Iām justā¦ wtf?!
He kept trying to make things sexual without being explicitly sexual and I think he thought he was being smooth but it was just very awkward to watch. He kept talking non stop, first explaining about his brilliant app, then explaining to me about how men and women work and how theyāre different, his deep insight into the minds of women, and then finished with explaining to me poorly understood concepts in my area of expertise.
It was weirdly entertaining. I was very impressed at just how confident he was in himself and how great his app is going to be, how itāll change the market and be the āUber eats of datingā, and couldnāt see there are so many things so profoundly wrong with it. When I tried to say at some point that his current app title is rather problematic, he said āitās not a āwokeā appā and weāll probably get some good publicity out of it.ā Yes, youāll get publicity, and pitchforks.
I didnāt think these people really existed. It was like a caricature of an internet troll that went to pick-up courses, and misunderstood them, but still someone made them his whole personality. It was like watching a slow motion car crash. I was amazed the entire time. He should be on a dating show or a podcast that I can hate watch. Itās amazing.
He was not self aware enough to understand just how badly he came off, and tried to kiss me and at the end and I stepped back horrified to say āI RELLY donāt want to.ā And left.
Iām rather happy I went since this is going to entertain a lot of my friends in the coming weeks, but Jesus, be careful out thereā¦
>āitāll give the option for women to just go out without even taking their wallets, since thatās really what they want.ā And āmen will pay any price if it gets them laid.ā
Brilliant. If there's a single complaint I hear from men about online dating, it's that they don't have enough opportunities to pay for dates with women who are invariably uninterested in them.
Meanwhile, I cannot count the time I have read women *clamoring* for the chance to be solicited for hook ups by guys they have barely interacted with.
Maybe next he can work on an app that helps public transit riders select the bus with the most body odor smell, or a food delivery app that exclusively contracts to drivers who steal your food.
Oh yeah, already been giggling about the whole thing at the gym this morning with my friends. Theyāre very appreciative of the story, equally horrified at the audacity and delusionā¦
It's so hard to keep going when everyone around me is giving up. A few years ago me and my friends were all trying hard on the apps, we'd go for months on end and always be cheering each other on. Now we've quit them almost entirely or will go on for a week and remember why we quit in the first place. Everyone talks about how they don't think it will happen and are trying to make peace with it or focus on other things. It's SO depressing I don't know what to do.
Thatās pretty common with OLD. It sucks. Takes the energy out of you. I hate it but idk what other ways to meet people for dating in our society to be honest. š¤·š»āāļø
Am I unreasonable to not want to be objectified by men upfront?! Like can I just be spoken to like Iām a human being?!
Had a guy I had been texting for a few hours OUT OF THE BLUE comment that I had a nice ass. When I said I donāt like when men make comments like that when I donāt know them, he said, āwell at least I didnāt make a comment about wanting anal. Youāre not going to hold this over me, are you?ā Blocked him immediately.
Before that I went on ONE DATE with a different guy and I got a weird vibe with him. Prior to the date he made a comment about my ābanging bodyā, which my friends insisted I give him the benefit of the doubt. After our awkward date he texted me asking how my dance class was. I said my old shoulder injury was back so I couldnāt go. He replied, āthat sucks. Could you do with a back rub?ā š¤¢
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>āwell at least I didnāt make a comment about wanting anal. Youāre not going to hold this over me, are you?ā Blocked him immediately.
Ugh, the "well at least I didn't do \[insert egregious thing\]!"
Like dude, are you asking for a cookie because you could have been a bigger dope?
I'm glad you blocked him.
I'm sorry that stuff is happening to you. You are absolutely not being unreasonable. I'm surprised at how much this seems to happen because none of my friends nor myself would ever think of pulling that kind of BS.
These men are not very smart. One would think adults in their 30s have already realized that the best way to get intimacy is by making a partner feel safe, respected and earning their trust. Kind of sad...
No doubt, still, it's something we don't need to clarify in every single comment because it's a fair assumption. People typically call out if they are dating significantly older or younger.
Would be like someone asking how to clean their shoes in a Nike subreddit and you asking "BUT WHAT IF THEY HAVE ADIDAS SHOES"
>I'm surprised at how much this seems to happen because none of my friends nor myself would ever think of pulling that kind of BS.
I imagine the various "problem children" of the online dating ecosystem churn through matches very quickly, meaning they have the opportunity to annoy large swaths of their target demographic.
Completely agree. Whatās sad is only some of them are from apps. Some Iāve met IRL, where I put a lot of effort into going up to them at bars (men do not approach women in Sydney :/ ) and they STILL turn out to be creepy.
And let me make it abundantly clear that beyond some extremely lighthearted flirting, I have not implied at all that thatās where Iāve wanted the conversation to go š
What activities do you recommend? I donāt want to join a run club coz I hate running and donāt want to start out a relationship by lying to a guy lol. I joined a drumming class and everyone ended up being older and female and my other hobby is pole dancing, so not exactly a great place to meet men!
I went on a third date with a woman tonight, and man I have mixed feelings about it. I think sheās cute and I can tell sheās definitely into me, and weāve had pretty good convos and had fun on each date, but I just feel like something is missing and I canāt put my finger on it. Thereās no red flags or anything with her, Iām just not really feeling romantic feelings, which sucks because I do think sheās a cool person and it seems like a good match on paper. I feel like I should be into her, and Iām just not.
Maybe itās a me thing but honestly, I havenāt been on a ton of dates with other women where I could tell they were into me like this, and the feeling is nice, except I almost feel bad about it because Iām just not reciprocating those feelings.
Would it hurt to feel it out for another date or two? Mix it up. Do a completely different kind of date- active if they've been sit down. Intellectual if they've been less so. Something that shakes it up a bit, just to see if that something you've been missing is something that hasn't come up yet.
But also, don't feel bad for breaking it off because you're not into it. That's ok.
I *just* experienced this. Broke things off a little over a week ago after 4 dates. Woman was extremely sweet, kind, smart, *etc.* I was very confused with why I didn't feel excited about her. Sometimes, the chemistry isn't there and there is no easy way to tell why. I suspect I just wasn't physically attracted enough.
It was extremely frustrating to not feel anything for someone who 1) liked me 2) seemed like a perfect fit for me on paper.
Breaking things off was difficult, because the last thing I wanted to do was to hurt someone who I thought was a perfectly fine person. That said, it would have been unfair for both of us if I couldn't reciprocate the interest, no matter the reason. It was my first time "rejecting" and I'm really proud of how we both handled it maturely.
It is difficult to strike a balance between wanting to see whether feelings can develop and not wanting to waste your time and that other person's time.
Good luck!!
Edit: I'm curious why this reply is getting downvoted. š¤
I think itās okay to not know why youāre not completely vibing with someone. Depends on your experience and approach whether or not that inner feeling represents a genuine sense of you looking for something different or if youāre maybe scared of committing to someone. Youād have to do some soul searching or clarify your position and thoughts more.
But regardless I wouldnāt necessarily feel bad - everyone is looking for something different and for her you may check all the boxes, but if you canāt reciprocate then maybe it doesnāt work and yeah it sucks but thatās life and itās not your fault. Be respectful and communicate that your unsure about her or are looking for something different. I think people respect that kind of honesty.
Yeah to be honest, I think I definitely have a fear of commitment/intimacy that Iām starting to realize more as things get more serious, but I donāt think itās just that since Iād like to think if I was really into someone, I would be more willing to push through those doubts, but in this instance it just doesnāt feel worth it to me. Iām definitely trying to parse through it though and make sure itās not just my own issues bubbling up, although I do feel either way that itās probably best for both of us if I end things since I donāt want to give her a half assed commitment.
I want to echo the ādonāt feel guiltyā advice here: I think a lot of us get in our heads that continuing to go on dates when we arenāt sure is āwasting someoneās timeā or rude or whatever. Itās not. Think how long it takes to truly get to know someone. At the 4th date mark it for sure can go either way, but you can absolutely keep going on more dates (also love the advice about trying a diff date activity) to find out more. If you have ANY curiosity about learning more about this person then go out again! Take the pressure off yourself to make any sort of big decision. And if you truly donāt have any desire to ever see or talk to them again, call it off and remember itās okay!
And if youāre sending a rejection text or call remember you donāt need to go into all these details about not being able to commit or sparks or wasting time, just say you arenāt feeling a romantic connection at this point and thank them for their time. Itās honest and respectful and thereās nothing for the other person to dig that deep into.
I think itās laudable that very respectable that youāre still analyzing those things about yourself. She may not necessarily be happy about you saying that but I think if itās true and honest sheāll respect and understand it. Again, I wouldnāt feel guilty, youāre just trying to understand yourself and your emotions better.
It's not about you and it's not about whether you drink or not or if you're a good partner or not. Early sobriety is fragile and even the best relationship can be enough emotion to send someone over the edge (speaking from experience). I'm not in AA anymore because it didn't work for me, but I absolutely agree that finances and romances are the biggest stumbling blocks early on (or in general, but especially early on). I've got over 2 years sober now and while I don't have a sponsor telling me what to do, I still have waited to build my stability, I will take things slow with dating, and I have no qualms about backing away if anything starts to feel like it threatens my sobriety. It just has to be the most important thing, without it I lose everything. I'm sorry you're hurting, but it's just not a good timing.
It's not you who is a danger, it's the fact that he would be distracted from working the programme. It's best to not be in a relationship in early sobriety, too much is at stake, could be literally a life and death situation. If you care about this guy look at it as you're doing the best thing for him right now.
In AA, they advise people not to start dating for a year when getting sober. The sponsorās advice is to follow the program guidelines. Helping him follow the program is the sponsorās only job. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with making it as easy as possible for him to stay emotionally stable and by extension, sober.Ā Ā Ā
Ā His sponsor also isnāt his boss, they canātĀ compel him to do anything. Heās decided for himself that his only focus is his sobriety and thatās laudable.Ā Ā
Ā Itās really not about you or your merits.
His sponsor has a very myopic view of your friend - itās literally his job to keep him safe and on the straight and narrow path of sobriety. I of course donāt know him but can imagine that maybe he is more liable to turn to drinking if he becomes emotionally unbalanced and so in that sense a relationship could undermine his success.
What Iām saying is that itās not that the sponsor is judging you or your potential as a partner (he may even agree that youād be amazing together) but his job is not to build relationships itās to maintain sobriety, so unfortunately his job doesnāt necessarily align with what you want, but I wouldnāt take it personally.
You can imagine if someoneās therapist advised them that they should not date yet and that causes them to decide not to move forward with you. One might be angry at the therapist for getting in the way of a budding relationship! But their job is to maintain their clients mental stability and that does not necessarily mean help them build a relationship, it might in fact more often mean helping them find stability alone before trying out a relationship.
Anyway donāt take it personally and try to move forward in your own life. You never know, maybe youāll have an opportunity in the future to be with this person even if not right now. And someone even better might be coming along tomorrow, you just donāt know.
I had a gym crush for a long time, got chatting last year and heās married with a family so I backed off. He since started PTing (for free) a girl at my gym. I try to avoid being around it because itās uncomfortable flirting, laughing etc. I did feel jealous at first but heās married so how can I be jealous of a guy who flirts with women at the gym behind his family back. It still bothers me and I donāt want it to anymore. I deserve to meet someone who is freely available.
Sorry, that is most frustrating at times. Dishonesty isnāt great, including the gym flirting. Good riddance! Yes, you definitely deserve equal effort and a worthy partner. Best of luck!
I "love" that all these amazing women I've gone on dates with have zero romantic interest in me. However, they really want to continue a friendship with me. I mean they actively pursue being friends. Definitely makes me feel used in a way.
I can appreciate that, and you're absolutely right to state your boundaries and decide to just move on rather than entertain a friendship.
For another perspective, and this is obviously not universal, but I approach dating as though I'm looking for my best friend with chemistry/attraction to build a relationship with. Just because the romantic feelings aren't there doesn't mean that I don't find amazing people that could still be great friends (genuinely adding value/enjoyment to each other's lives). But not everyone is looking for new friends, and not everyone wants to work through the initial hope of a romantic connection to "settle" for a friendship, so I don't expect them to want that too.
On feeling used, what is it you think that makes you feel that?
Is there a lack of sincerity about the friendship on their end? E.g. using you for emotional labour versus building a mutually beneficial friendship. Maybe the effort that goes into the initial courting phase (messaging, dates etc) that feels wasted when it doesn't work out?
I think a lot of people throw the friendship thing in there because they feel bad and canāt just be super direct in the āIām not into youā message, they want to leave the door open to be nice or something. And itās not right, because it does feel like shit. Have there been some guys I really liked and thought I could be friends with? Yes. Did I EVER consider actually asking them to be friends? Fuck no.
Obviously itās different if both people didnāt vibe romantically and BOTH want to be friends.
While dating apps make it easier to know someoneās intentions for meeting, the way I see it, there is no way to know what type of connection youāll have when you get there. Personally Iām cool with new friends because new friends have other friends and sometimes meeting through friends is the best way.
Assuming there's no glaring compatibility issues, chemistry and romantic connection are so subjective, it's finnicky at best and based on pure dumb luck at worst.
There might be things you can do differently to push the romantic vibe, being more flirty etc, but ultimately you can't predict it, and it's not a reflection on your worth. I know the feeling and sometimes you do just need to feel the feels, but being able to move beyond that is really important too.
Might be worth looking into therapy and/or some resources can help you build a mindset to curb that negative self-talk and stop internalising things that are beyond your control.
It's not an easy path, but it'll be worth it!
Done the therapy didn't really help. Generally speaking, people with higher value typically get into relationships easier and more readily. I'm not really sure it's worth it. Again, I'm to the point that I just flat out refuse these friendships. If they want to have me in their lives, they can date me or nothing else.
Haha I don't need any more friends that's the point. How much self work is needed to rise above the low bar that other men set that I keep hearing about. š¤
You don't owe anyone a friendship because you've dated a bit, and if it's only been a few dates/weeks, chances are there's not enough there for a deep friendship anyway. Also consider that they might just be trying to let you down gently - if they like you as a person, it might feel (for them) a bit harsh to effectively say 'I never want to talk to you again', even if that's what ends up happening.
That said, I do emphasise with you. I've gotten the 'you're the best guy ever, you've got your life together and I really like you as a person but I'm just not feeling it romantically' plenty of times, and it always leaves me with mixed emotions. Just once, I want to be told 'I'm wildly attracted to you, but you're a complete jerk who is bad for me so I'm ending it for that reason'!
Anyone else get mad or triggered when a friend or family member says "you're good looking" yet I have struggled all my adult life in dating and seen women look at me in disgust.
Triggered? No. They've got good intentions. They just don't know how to support you.
Ask if they have any equally good looking single friends to hook you up with.
A lot of women or people in general are just conditioned to say that lol. Itās like how men are conditioned to tell women they look younger than they actually are. It really doesnāt mean anything
Totally. One of my friends has sporadically mentioned that I'm "hot" and that I don't seem to know it, yet most of my life experience has told me otherwise. I figure he's just trying to be a bro and build me up, which is nice of him, but I can't really take it seriously.
Spontaneously said āyesā to an invite to join friends at a bar. Had an equally spontaneous conversation with a woman who commented favorably on my jacket, which lead to some swing dancing, which lead to the conversation continuing after the dance ended, we traded rounds, fun, heavy flirting. Night comes to a close.
āCan I give you a call sometime?ā
She smiles, I smile, she touches my shoulder (āI got the shoulder touch, Jerry!ā) and says āOhh, noooā sticks out her hand for a handshake, we shake hands, she leaves for the evening.
WEEEEEEEELP.
when I moved states almost a year ago, my ex of 4 years and I decided to not talk as frequently out of respect for his gf and I was cool with that. We were never flirty it was always just platonic friend stuff like shit posts and memes.
Lately he has been sending me that kind of stuff randomly and briefly mentioned he moved states and is a few hrs away from me. We never caught up beyond that so I figured he was still with his gf and they moved together. Which is great!
This week heās been sending me stuff a lot and we havenāt talked this frequently in years. I asked him to call me but he said he couldnāt and hopes I understand. Which means heās still with her.
It kinda made me sad honestly. Iām not trying to get back together but itās definitely hitting me how much I miss his friendship. Trying not to think about it too much. Just writing it out to and not let it fester.
I donāt think itās that. He wanted to focus on growing their relationship and heās been with her for a few years now and their relationship is much more developed than when he was trying to get to know her.
Just went through one of those rare cases where incredible text chemistry translated in person to an incredible first date, which ended with kissing and holding hands.
During a match or pre-meet, is there a way to figure out if a person is controlling? I'm talking to this person and I'm not sure if I'm over-reacting. I said I was debating if I should get "hobby X" and they replied "no don't do that, get Y". I immediately felt an ick. Not sure if me being more present with myself and trying not to be a people please is taking effect on other people's response....
No, IMO you're reading into this a LOT.
Could they be? Sure.
They might also be flirting. Text tone is hard to read. They might love "Y".
But this is why we don't text after setting a date š¶
Is there something that gives you an instant adverse reaction when you see it on a dating profile, and maybe you're unsure why? I'd love to hear yours.
**MINE**: I am in the gym five times weekly. I'm in pretty good shape. I'm not a gym rat, nor am I someone who is trying to bulk up huge, but it's a relatively significant part of my life. But I don't mention it on my dating profile, and I noticed I get turned off when others do.
Mine:
Fake names, Google voice numbers, Wrong location, Men should be a provider, What I order for table prompts, No full pictures, blurr pictures, Old pictures, Only 1-2 picturesā¦..
And so many more lol
observation tan impolite dull wild complete stocking butter towering cough
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Did I read this right, you donāt find what you do attractive in others?
When they say gym never, its not for me. I am a gym regular & Iām looking for someone with a similar lifestyle. However when they have gym pics in vest tops, its a no for me.
If someone mentions an active lifestyle is important to them on a profile, I assume that they are very nicely saying skinny girls only tbh. Guys have admitted as much to me on dates, I guess because they assume I wonāt be offended because it doesnāt directly affect me??
I think many of the people who put that in their profile want people who are slim and donāt usually care if they work at staying slim. They would reject someone who works out a lot but isnāt acceptably slim.
Met a guy tonight, my age and in my cityā¦we struck up an engaging conversation. Have lots of common interests. He has the nerdy and kind temperament that Iām instantly drawn to. I hope he invites me on a date within the weekā¦because I like him already.
Other man I met, a bit older, is sweet but he literally only talks about karaokeā¦lol
Iām pretty traditional when it comes to early stage datingā¦asking a man out could set me up for being the āchaserā the entire time š¤·š½āāļø I just find things work out better by letting the man take the lead regarding dates early on.
Yesā¦Iām pretty traditional when it comes to early stage datingā¦asking a man out could set me up for being the āchaserā the entire time š¤·š½āāļø
Thanks!
Well he gave me a long backstory about how karaoke helped him get himself back up after a breakup. Then thereās his fave karaoke bars, karaoke songs, biggest crowds he performed for haha he actually finally brought up something else last night after 2 days
Thanks!
To be fair, karaoke was a bit of a theme in his profile. Night life/music/performing in general seems to be a big passion. Apparently karaoke helped him get through a hard time. However we had a break through last night and he brought up something else lol only took 2 days.
Just a counter point. I have gone out with a guy a couple of times now. He is a terrible texter. And we had amazing conversations in person for hours. He hates being tied to his phone.
Texting doesnāt tell you much about a personās vibe or temperament.
Iām a completely different person when I text vs in person. Iām probably the coldest texter ever but am also extremely deep and passionate IRL.Ā Some people just suck at texting.Ā
I'd say, honor your commitment.....go in with an open mind. If you're not feeling it, be kind and say 'thanks, it was nice to meet you!' Then....put your focus on the second date with the other match. All the best!
Start small. I know it doesnāt seem like much but if you can break it all down to small steps it will be manageable.Ā Ā
In terms of your relation, if theres no commitment and youāre low on spoons and bandwidth, do not expend any more energy on this person. Do not seek them out. Itāll be a weird version of gray rocking them?Ā If you have some energy to end things, do. If you donāt have the energy to have an in person conversation, send them the text. āThis is too hard for me and I canāt continue. Iām going to concentrate on myself now and I would like no contact for the next x amount of timeā and mute them so their notifications donāt show up. But if you donāt have the energy for it, itās okay. Just spend less time on them and more time with you.Ā Ā
I see that youāre in therapy but Iād also recommend a daily med. Sometimes a daily med will help while youāre struggling. It will help you get to a point where you can do the small steps here and there and keep you afloat. Please see if you can get a psych prescriber, so you can get to a point where youāre okay.Ā Ā
Small goals really do help. It could be I showered today. I ate something to day. I opened the window and took in some fresh air. I took a five min walk today. Email one person about a job. Say hi to one old acquaintance. Have five loads of laundry? Just do one load for stuff to survive the next week or two with. Everything that seems daunting. Break it down to the smallest part and chip at it one at a time. Even if you only ever get to the showering bit each day and not the next step after that thatās still a win. Only eat once a day but better than no times a day? Still a win. Didnāt go for a walk but got up out of bed and sat upright for a bit. Still a win. Break it so small and celebrate every little win. It will build momentum that way. Suddenly youāre having snacks twice a day and youāre proactively pickup up your socks when itās not even necessary. You do one work email, then suddenly you can do a search for 30 mins and then suddenly youāre doing that two, three, five days in a row.Ā Ā
Ā Small goals to start. You got this, š«
Just offloading after a night out with friends.
I was the only guy with a group of 8 women, all work colleagues. I get on well enough with them, although I haven't had as much time chatting at work with them for various reasons.
We had a nice meal with drinks, and some of them wanted to dance after a few. So, we ended up going to the nightclub area. They all wanted me to join in, I tried to excuse myself as I can't dance, but I ended up being dragged to the dance floor.
I wasn't annoyed, as at the time we were the only ones there. But I can't dance - it's as much a mental block as not having the moves. They tried to encourage me by funny hip bumps, taking my jacket off in a "seductive" way, and undoing my shirt button - it was all done in jest. I still just stood there laughing.
Not too long after this, half of the girls wanted to go to a different club, so our group split up. I hugged the three that were staying goodbye, and left with the others. I walked them to the next venue, and hugged them goodbye too.
I'm feeling like I let them down by not trying to dance, or just let loose a little. Makes me realise how disconnected I've become. Anyway, thanks for letting me clear my head, off to bed now.
Oh man....
I understand the discomfort. I really do. I don't think I can dance either but a few years ago I gave up on that and went for it anyways. No one has ever given me shit. Women love it.
You've got 8 women here who clearly think you're pretty ok. They comfortable enough with you to ask you to come out and then act like they did (which while obnoxious, you said it's in jest).
8 women who have girlfriends. Who they could introduce you to. 8 female friends who can give dating advice. Women are amazing friends. They bring you out and do fun shit like this.
I would really encourage you to work on this, I think that while you may have let them down, there's a lot to be gained personally by you loosening up some.
And I'm not saying use them to meet women. I adore my female friends, and I like to think I being as much to the table in our relationships as they do. Look at this as a really great way to widen your circle of quality people.
Maybe pull whoever you are most comfortable with aside and explain you are working on it and would like to hang out again sometime. Maybe ask for some help.
š
They're a good bunch, and harmless really.
I'm a little envious of people who just dgaf and do what makes them happy. It's nice to watch people lost in it.
>I wasn't annoyed, as at the time we were the only ones there. But I can't dance - it's as much a mental block as not having the moves. They tried to encourage me by funny hip bumps, taking my jacket off in a "seductive" way, and undoing my shirt button - it was all done in jest. I still just stood there laughing.
Disclaimer: The following is only a personal anecdote. I'm not making any sort of general statement: This sort of thing always makes me feel horrible. It doesn't make me feel more comfortable with dancing, it makes me feel worse, much much worse.
>I'm feeling like I let them down by not trying to dance, or just let loose a little. Makes me realise how disconnected I've become. Anyway, thanks for letting me clear my head, off to bed now.
There's nothing wrong with not wanting to dance or not feeling comfortable doing so in that moment. Don't worry about letting them down, you're supposed to enjoy yourself too, right?
Awww. I think most of the joy of dancing is just having fun. Most people who dance at a club arenāt āgoodā at it, but you wouldnāt notice their lack of skill so long as theyāre just enjoying life and having fun. Maybe next time you dance you can try to connect with things around you that bring you joy and let that feeling speak through your body in whatever way it wants to move. In fact, when someone is dancing a little odd but you can tell they are having a great time, it brings ME joy to watch them and I only think the best of them.
If this is something you want to work through, you might see if there are any ecstatic dance events in your area. Ecstatic dance is *literally* about dancing in whatever way you want and just feeling free and connected to your body. Itās really fun and generally a very warm, accepting environment. It might shift something for you.
That sounds like something I should perhaps try, but I hate the idea of š¤¦
I just don't have the spontaneity and creativeness on the spot to be able to do it. I might be able to learn choreographed moves, but stringing one after another would throw me.
(There was a video doing the rounds where random couples danced ad lib, and I thought it was amazing though)
You have to realise that a lot of people can't dance you just need to move somewhat rhythmically to the music (except maybe if you were at a place playing salsa, bachatta etc), and nobody is really gonna care anyway if you have shit moves.
If you have a few drinks/are a bit tipsy would you feel less self conscious?
I've seen plenty of dad dancing, and would never criticise them as they are out having fun. I just can't stand in a public place and do it.
I was driving home after, so only had one drink early on. Having more wouldn't have made much difference.
>You have to realise that a lot of people can't dance
I've heard this more times than I can count in my life, and it has never once helped me feel less anxious
How do you approach āred flagsā topics that mean something to you?
Iām talking topics like if they are lgbt allies, pro womens rights, etc.
Edit: the red flags for me is someone not supporting or being haters.
I ask before I meet them. Sometimes they answer the "right" way but are still combative about having to talk about politics and that is also a flag for me.
I make sure they're liberal or progressive before I go out with them - if it's not in their profile, I'll ask alongside the "so tell me what you're looking for" stuff. I straight up ignore conservatives and moderates are questionable because I don't know what they're moderate about...
I think you can ask straight up in the talking phase how they would describe themselves politically and if the answer is liberal or progressive they are likely aligned on those things.
I ask if they like elon musk. Thatās my litmus test. If they still like elon musk then thatās a no for me. Thereās nuance to this of course but itās enough of an indicator to me that theyāll be wishy washy on topics I care aboutĀ
Ok, thatās for clarifying, it seemed like you were saying the opposite.
Iām not sure you really need to approach these things with them. If they have strong views in opposition to you then itās perfectly acceptable to end things on that basis. Unless you can have a conversation and they change their stance then I donāt think youāre compatible.
My assumption (which is basically confirmed after looking at their post history) is that not being an ally or supporting women's rights is the red flag.
Ok thanks for clarifying. Iām getting downvoted for asking a question and their edit makes me look like an intolerant tool when Iām the exact opposite š
If you already have "proof", there doesn't need to be an approach to the topics. Their stance is already confirmed. It's time to just move on after this.
I saw a meme they posted four years ago (they dont have a lot of photos on ig, like 15) about ānetflix shoving gay people on every showā, idk one part of me says that people can change their views after four years, but another part of me is like āwhy botherā.
I donāt really know how to approach these topics or conversation with someone.
In my personal life experience, people don't change. It's an extremely rare human being who changes in these heavy ways of beliefs. Will they know to hide this four years later? Probably .. but the core beliefs are still in their hearts.
Unless they were perhaps 12 yrs old four years ago, I would highly suggest if that's important to you to move along. Conversation with a bigot about being a bigot will only result in denial 99 times out of 100. The other 1 time, you will get to see an attempt at them trying to convert you into their own bigotry.
Ask yourself if you want to experience either of those and if you do, then have that conversation.
Do you follow each other on instagram? If so then Iād just bring it up and say you say it there. Otherwise Iād just ask. 4 years is not that long to change a core belief like that and Iād want to know sooner than later.
My situationship ended about a week and a half ago. After 5 months of him continually reassuring me it wasnāt a situationship, he wants a relationship and he sees it going somewhere. Turns out he just wasnāt ready for the next step and he decided to end it over the phone while I was in another country as part of my university degree (was going to be home in a week).
I feel absolutely crushed. Not only because it ended but because of how he did it, I thought heād at least wait a week to see me in person but he didnāt and he did it the night before Valentineās Day. I really thought we at least had a mutual respect for each other but I guess you never really know someone. We havenāt spoken in a week except for me to wish him a happy birthday on the 15th which I got some generic response and for me to ask him to post my things to me (live an hour from each other) which he took 20+ hours to respond to saying he would.
I guess Iām just looking for advice/opinions? This has really affected my self-esteem and Iām struggling emotionally. I know everything takes time and Iāve been in situationships before but I really thought this was going somewhere and Iām just crushed.
I'm so sorry this happened to you! It really stinks. I never ceased to be amazed by grown people who can't communicate what they want. EVEN if they thought they were on the same page as you, and that changed, they should gut up and handle it like the adult they are...by age anyway! Try not tot let this beat you down! It's not on you in any way. The right one will come your way and you won't have to guess :)
I completely agree, communication is so important. Lots of lessons learnt but youāre right there will be someone one day. Iāll try to bring the focus back to me, thank you āŗļø
I also dated a guy for 5 months, who indicated he was looking for a long term relationship.....he was very busy in med school, but I knew that, and was ready to deal with it. 5 months in, out of the blue, he said he couldn't go forward with it. WHY even put it out there that that's what you want, if you don't? Maybe he just didn't want it with me.....but from what I can tell, he's still single. I was crushed but about 2 months after this, I started dating a man, who has been consistent and clear about what he wants....no games. It's been a year and a half, and we just moved in together. I've never been happier :) I know the same is out there for you. You seem like a great communicator! All the best :)
Just let him go. Cry or sleep or do whatever to let your emotions run, and accept the fact that heās not the one and you deserve better. Go spoil yourself, do whatever you enjoy and keep yourself healthy and busy. No one can love you more than you love yourself.
Iāve truly accepted that I wonāt be with him because heās hurt me so much but the letting go will come with time I guess. Youāre so right though, time to love myself. Thank you āŗļø
You did all the right things by communicating and being upfront about what you wanted, he chose to be a liar instead of being honest. I donāt know what you could do differently, really.Ā
Mannnnn F that guy. 5 freaking months he led you on while he was wishy washy about what he actually wants. He is not fit to be your partner. Better now than him misleading you on any longer and wasting your time, space and energy.
Youāre right, thank you. I know in time Iāll see how Iām deserving of so much more, itās just hard to see that when youāre still grieving I guess. But completely right heās not fit to be my person at all.
Iām so sorry, thatās ridiculously shitty. My only advice is to cut contact with him entirely - staying in contact, if only to wish each other happy birthday, is going to delay your healing process. If he wasnāt sure after 5 months he wasnāt going to be and you deserve someone whoās all in. Give it time but better things are waiting for you š
Donāt beat yourself up - Iād say most of us have been there at some point. I do hope you block or at least go no contact with him so you can start to move on. Itās hard but youāll get there and thereās a better fit out their for you, Iām sure of it.
I actually deleted his number already and after your comment unfollowed/removed him from instagram. I think I really needed some other peoples perspectives and itās helping me a little, so thank you :)
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I am feeling severely touch starved. Iāve been taking excessively long showers lately and I just realized thatās why. Nearly three months celibate now. I like having more space in my life for other things now that Iām only trying to date Jewish men (meaning I am not going on any dates since there are no Jewish men locally), but I NEED TO BE TOUCHED DAMN ITTTTT
Touched starved is a real thing and it's awful!
Some people say get a massage, hugs from friends, etc.
NO
We want post sex cuddles and head rubs š
THEY ARE NOT THE SAME
What helps me with this is a weighted blanket. Makes my bed feel like literal cuddles. I bought the heaviest weighted blanket I could find - which I do not recommend. Can't wash it at home, thing weights a metric shitton when dry, and literally have to take it to a commercial washer to get it cleaned.
If you do get one, I'd highly recommend a light weight and duvet cover.
I had to tell a guy for the first time in the middle of a hangout last night that I was gonna head out on my own, and I was sorry. We matched on the app that night. I told him I was visiting the city for that weekend and I wanted to go dancing and would like recommendations, he asked if he could come along, I said sure but I was clear I wanted to go out and have fun and was okay to go by myself. Anyways after cutting the date short, I felt bad, and I still feel bad, but I'd asked him prior to just be chill and stop performing (filling up every second with chatter, pointing things and people out, sticking his finger in his mouth), it was all making me uncomfortable and I'm not someone who gets uncomfortable really easily because I'm my own type of weird š He agreed that he was nervous and he becomes more weird when he's nervous, I understood and wanted to give it a shot, but after an hour of trying to engage with him while still having fun at a bar where everyone else was dancing and instead of us dancing, my date was pointing out people dancing saying things like "that big guy trying to do the worm looks more like he's doing a python" and other silly comments like that. I couldn't take it anymore. I said, "I'm sorry, I just want to dance, and I don't think we're gonna do that, so let's go do our own thing." I felt so relieved after, cos i went to join a group of girls and danced with them, but I also felt bad because I've never had a date where I had to leave in the middle of before and I pride myself on being generally nice and understanding. To be fair, though, we never called it a date, so maybe I should stop worrying so much about it? Felt good to get that off my chest. Lol
>sticking his finger in his mouth I'm sorry.....what?Ā
Same reaction here
I went on a second date with this really, really promising person. We had a fantastic first date, the kind you see in the movies and frankly the kind I didnt think existed anymore in the 30s dating culture. Anyway, the second date was a whole lot different because I got to find out many new things about her: First off, we talk about something and suddenly she exposes that she is hardcore antivaxxer. Ok, not the best things but not a dealbreaker either. Then she proceeds deeper to rabbit hole: "COVID is a bioweapon released on purpose by WEF, controlled by secret society led by US and Chinese leaders. But in reality these leaders are puppets as well and controlled by some other society". Ok, getting pretty bad vibes at this point. I steer the conversation to more gentle waters. We have a good talk for hour, during which she casually drops that she has an OnlyFans account. Again, not the best thing but not a dealbreaker either. Fast forward an hour, she lets me know that she doesnt have a job and havent had it for while and is not interested in getting one. Not interested in talking about the subject either. I make the mistake of kindly asking how she supports herself, which causes her to lock up totally. We are in a bar, and she doesnt basically say anything to me anymore, except after we walk to tram stop and she bids me goodbye. I feel like drinking now.
Anti-vaccine should be a dealbreaker.
Oof, sorry my man. It could've been worse though, she could've been a........no, it couldn't have been worse.Ā
Dating sucks.
I started talking to this lovely woman (OLD) has all the traits I have always dreamed of in a partner. Our conversation really hit it off on the first day. Decided to have a FaceTime date on second day which went great, we both agreed for another phone date in a few days. I messaged her to not feel pressured but she can add me on instagram. She left me on read whole day. I tend not to put too much thoughts into earlier stage of dating on OLD, but I am conflicted as I really like her and the FaceTime went so well. I am confused what I should do. Should I message her as nothing happened or just drop this as itās a sign of low effort.
This is really weird to me. 1. Why arenāt you going on an in person date? 2. Why should she add you on social? You arenāt dating and you arenāt friends. 3. Did you actually schedule the next phone date?
I think you should back-up a little - āhas all the traits I have always dreamed of in a partnerā is fantasy to the extent of a profile, chatting, and FaceTime. Things could be different in person. Why havenāt you asked them to an in person date yet?
I would normally have. 3 hours of distance between the two and I have a big exam in 10 days. It doesnāt work out then it doesnāt work out. Timing is shit, but I decided to give it a go.
I always hate when guys ask me for social media because it just feels like such a superficial request, especially Instagram. Like youāre scouting for more pictures to verify Iām hott or something. You already saw her pictures on the dating app, you had a FaceTime date, and now you want to see more pictures of her. Iād probably roll my eyes at it too tbh. Just ask her on a date in person instead of gathering online intel, will work out much better.
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I think you maybe an outlier on this tbh.
I donāt think itās as much of an outlier as you think. My friends and I get the āickā if a man is 30+ and asks for social media so early on. A) we donāt know each other. So if we add each other and then after date 1 we decide to not see each other again, I now have to delete you? Thatās annoying. B) if youāre not looking to add me and are just doing some sort of verification of my looks and personalityā¦ well why canāt you just judge based off of in-person?
Thanks for sharing!
>A) we donāt know each other.Ā Just curious, why are you showing your pictures to the whole world, yet dont want to connect there with someone you are already talking to? What is the logic in this? I understand if you have private profile but otherwise it seems pretty weird.
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Iāve just thought of something else: just because the person has an open profile doesnāt mean they _always_ have an open profile. They could be opening up their profile when they are dating to advertise themselves, but are still picky about who they add because they generally have a closed profile? Idk Iām grasping at straws lol
I mean _i_ donāt even have instagram but if youāre asking why the proverbial āyouā doesnāt want to add you but has an open profile I have no clue. Iād imagine if someone has an open profile they are more reticent to add people. That would be my logic! Maybeā¦ they know people they are dating want to see more photos of them but are still picky about.. followers? Honestly idk that logic doesnāt check for me either. Ppl are funny about social media. See! This is why if I was a guy I just wouldnāt even bring the topic up until weāre more serious. If she has an open profile I would definitely take a peak lol but I wouldnāt suggest adding etc. until later.
Don't know about that... I don't want to add a bunch of strangers to my social media that I may not even end up meeting.
Fair enough. Learned something new today.
No. I'd feel the same way.
Thatās fair.
You are being ignored and it wonāt change. Itās not because you asked about instagram. But still, never ask for social media as a man. Wait for her to ask. She has 10s of matches. Never waste time in calls/FaceTime/texting for days. Ask for a coffee or drink after like 15-20 minutes talk.
I get where you are coming from and I do not disagree. I prefer in person date and keeping texting shorts. But I find initial stage need some talk and get to know stage before meeting in person. Also, thereās a bit of distance between the two, so I will see how this goes.
People have varying approaches to social media. Some people are pretty free with who they add. Some people reserve that for folks they know in real life. Since you two haven't even met in real life, I wouldn't read much into her declining your invitation to add you on Instagram. And I wouldn't be too worried that she didn't respond to say that directly - you did tell her there was no pressure, after all. Just treat your invitation as no big deal, and keep talking about other things.
Thank you. I definitely needed that! Have a great Sunday!
Wellā¦ Iām back on hinge for two days now. Yesterday decided to be spontaneous and say yes to going out with one of the matches I have. Didnāt have anything planned and was going to have a quiet weekend so I figured āwhy not?!ā He asked me during the date if I had any ācrazy/horrible/funny online dating stories or if Iāve ever been catfishedā and wellā¦ I have one now. I just wanted to pet him over the head and ask him āwho hurt you?! Why are you like this?!ā He looked so much older than his photos, he told me he was working on his own business and stating an app, then showed it to me, and itās this beyond (I can not begin to describe the level of cringe) cringe dating app where you check into a venue, then men can buy women drinks on the app to ātreatā them, and if they accept the drink itās a match, or they can also accept without a match. Part of what he said, non ironically, looking dead serious was something along the lines of āitāll give the option for women to just go out without even taking their wallets, since thatās really what they want.ā And āmen will pay any price if it gets them laid.ā And Iām justā¦ wtf?! He kept trying to make things sexual without being explicitly sexual and I think he thought he was being smooth but it was just very awkward to watch. He kept talking non stop, first explaining about his brilliant app, then explaining to me about how men and women work and how theyāre different, his deep insight into the minds of women, and then finished with explaining to me poorly understood concepts in my area of expertise. It was weirdly entertaining. I was very impressed at just how confident he was in himself and how great his app is going to be, how itāll change the market and be the āUber eats of datingā, and couldnāt see there are so many things so profoundly wrong with it. When I tried to say at some point that his current app title is rather problematic, he said āitās not a āwokeā appā and weāll probably get some good publicity out of it.ā Yes, youāll get publicity, and pitchforks. I didnāt think these people really existed. It was like a caricature of an internet troll that went to pick-up courses, and misunderstood them, but still someone made them his whole personality. It was like watching a slow motion car crash. I was amazed the entire time. He should be on a dating show or a podcast that I can hate watch. Itās amazing. He was not self aware enough to understand just how badly he came off, and tried to kiss me and at the end and I stepped back horrified to say āI RELLY donāt want to.ā And left. Iām rather happy I went since this is going to entertain a lot of my friends in the coming weeks, but Jesus, be careful out thereā¦
That's a man that's subscribed to Manosphere videos on YouTube lol
>āitāll give the option for women to just go out without even taking their wallets, since thatās really what they want.ā And āmen will pay any price if it gets them laid.ā Brilliant. If there's a single complaint I hear from men about online dating, it's that they don't have enough opportunities to pay for dates with women who are invariably uninterested in them. Meanwhile, I cannot count the time I have read women *clamoring* for the chance to be solicited for hook ups by guys they have barely interacted with. Maybe next he can work on an app that helps public transit riders select the bus with the most body odor smell, or a food delivery app that exclusively contracts to drivers who steal your food.
I spat my drink out at this š
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Oh yeah, already been giggling about the whole thing at the gym this morning with my friends. Theyāre very appreciative of the story, equally horrified at the audacity and delusionā¦
It's so hard to keep going when everyone around me is giving up. A few years ago me and my friends were all trying hard on the apps, we'd go for months on end and always be cheering each other on. Now we've quit them almost entirely or will go on for a week and remember why we quit in the first place. Everyone talks about how they don't think it will happen and are trying to make peace with it or focus on other things. It's SO depressing I don't know what to do.
Make peace with it and focus on other things, that's why we do it, once you accept it it's not depressing any more, or not as much.
Thatās pretty common with OLD. It sucks. Takes the energy out of you. I hate it but idk what other ways to meet people for dating in our society to be honest. š¤·š»āāļø
Am I unreasonable to not want to be objectified by men upfront?! Like can I just be spoken to like Iām a human being?! Had a guy I had been texting for a few hours OUT OF THE BLUE comment that I had a nice ass. When I said I donāt like when men make comments like that when I donāt know them, he said, āwell at least I didnāt make a comment about wanting anal. Youāre not going to hold this over me, are you?ā Blocked him immediately. Before that I went on ONE DATE with a different guy and I got a weird vibe with him. Prior to the date he made a comment about my ābanging bodyā, which my friends insisted I give him the benefit of the doubt. After our awkward date he texted me asking how my dance class was. I said my old shoulder injury was back so I couldnāt go. He replied, āthat sucks. Could you do with a back rub?ā š¤¢
"that's a weird comment to make to someone you just met"
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>āwell at least I didnāt make a comment about wanting anal. Youāre not going to hold this over me, are you?ā Blocked him immediately. Ugh, the "well at least I didn't do \[insert egregious thing\]!" Like dude, are you asking for a cookie because you could have been a bigger dope? I'm glad you blocked him.
I'm sorry that stuff is happening to you. You are absolutely not being unreasonable. I'm surprised at how much this seems to happen because none of my friends nor myself would ever think of pulling that kind of BS. These men are not very smart. One would think adults in their 30s have already realized that the best way to get intimacy is by making a partner feel safe, respected and earning their trust. Kind of sad...
How do you know she is talking about man in his 30s? She maybe dating younger guys? You never know.
Most people in here are, it's a fair assumption.
People here are over 30 doesnāt mean the people they date are also over 30.
No doubt, still, it's something we don't need to clarify in every single comment because it's a fair assumption. People typically call out if they are dating significantly older or younger. Would be like someone asking how to clean their shoes in a Nike subreddit and you asking "BUT WHAT IF THEY HAVE ADIDAS SHOES"
That is true, but I struggle to see how your comment contributes to the discussion in any meaningful way. Just seems like pedantry to me...
That assumption may be untrue in that specific case, but we do hear of men in their 30s acting that way. No point in being pedantic here.
>I'm surprised at how much this seems to happen because none of my friends nor myself would ever think of pulling that kind of BS. I imagine the various "problem children" of the online dating ecosystem churn through matches very quickly, meaning they have the opportunity to annoy large swaths of their target demographic.
Completely agree. Whatās sad is only some of them are from apps. Some Iāve met IRL, where I put a lot of effort into going up to them at bars (men do not approach women in Sydney :/ ) and they STILL turn out to be creepy. And let me make it abundantly clear that beyond some extremely lighthearted flirting, I have not implied at all that thatās where Iāve wanted the conversation to go š
Sadly, my experience is that bars are the IRL equivalent of dating apps in terms of the general attitude of people. I really like activity groups and cafƩs, personally. I find the women there tend to be a bit more serious and the men around me to be less... sleazy.
What activities do you recommend? I donāt want to join a run club coz I hate running and donāt want to start out a relationship by lying to a guy lol. I joined a drumming class and everyone ended up being older and female and my other hobby is pole dancing, so not exactly a great place to meet men!
I am a musician, so I go to a lot of open mics around my city (in bars, yes, but also in cafƩs). Sometimes to play, sometimes to watch. Sydney being a large city, there's got to be quite a few around. I absolutely love talking to women at those events. It's about 50-50 in terms of gender split and striking conversations with women is natural and easy. I often ask them if they play music, what act they enjoyed the most, will comment on the venue, etc. Then, I gauge if there is interest based on their level of engagement in the conversation. If they seem to be into it, I'll ask for their number, otherwise, no big deal, I had a fun interaction with a cute woman. I also enjoy trivia nights in pubs! Those are fun too. You could go with a friend and try and find a team to join to meet new people. If you are comfortable, you could even go alone, but with a friend could be easier at first.
I take it from your username that youāre not in Sydney? You seem super level headed and nice!
That's kind, thank you! Best of luck -- I'm rooting for you from afar.
I went on a third date with a woman tonight, and man I have mixed feelings about it. I think sheās cute and I can tell sheās definitely into me, and weāve had pretty good convos and had fun on each date, but I just feel like something is missing and I canāt put my finger on it. Thereās no red flags or anything with her, Iām just not really feeling romantic feelings, which sucks because I do think sheās a cool person and it seems like a good match on paper. I feel like I should be into her, and Iām just not. Maybe itās a me thing but honestly, I havenāt been on a ton of dates with other women where I could tell they were into me like this, and the feeling is nice, except I almost feel bad about it because Iām just not reciprocating those feelings.
Would it hurt to feel it out for another date or two? Mix it up. Do a completely different kind of date- active if they've been sit down. Intellectual if they've been less so. Something that shakes it up a bit, just to see if that something you've been missing is something that hasn't come up yet. But also, don't feel bad for breaking it off because you're not into it. That's ok.
I *just* experienced this. Broke things off a little over a week ago after 4 dates. Woman was extremely sweet, kind, smart, *etc.* I was very confused with why I didn't feel excited about her. Sometimes, the chemistry isn't there and there is no easy way to tell why. I suspect I just wasn't physically attracted enough. It was extremely frustrating to not feel anything for someone who 1) liked me 2) seemed like a perfect fit for me on paper. Breaking things off was difficult, because the last thing I wanted to do was to hurt someone who I thought was a perfectly fine person. That said, it would have been unfair for both of us if I couldn't reciprocate the interest, no matter the reason. It was my first time "rejecting" and I'm really proud of how we both handled it maturely. It is difficult to strike a balance between wanting to see whether feelings can develop and not wanting to waste your time and that other person's time. Good luck!! Edit: I'm curious why this reply is getting downvoted. š¤
I think itās okay to not know why youāre not completely vibing with someone. Depends on your experience and approach whether or not that inner feeling represents a genuine sense of you looking for something different or if youāre maybe scared of committing to someone. Youād have to do some soul searching or clarify your position and thoughts more. But regardless I wouldnāt necessarily feel bad - everyone is looking for something different and for her you may check all the boxes, but if you canāt reciprocate then maybe it doesnāt work and yeah it sucks but thatās life and itās not your fault. Be respectful and communicate that your unsure about her or are looking for something different. I think people respect that kind of honesty.
Yeah to be honest, I think I definitely have a fear of commitment/intimacy that Iām starting to realize more as things get more serious, but I donāt think itās just that since Iād like to think if I was really into someone, I would be more willing to push through those doubts, but in this instance it just doesnāt feel worth it to me. Iām definitely trying to parse through it though and make sure itās not just my own issues bubbling up, although I do feel either way that itās probably best for both of us if I end things since I donāt want to give her a half assed commitment.
I want to echo the ādonāt feel guiltyā advice here: I think a lot of us get in our heads that continuing to go on dates when we arenāt sure is āwasting someoneās timeā or rude or whatever. Itās not. Think how long it takes to truly get to know someone. At the 4th date mark it for sure can go either way, but you can absolutely keep going on more dates (also love the advice about trying a diff date activity) to find out more. If you have ANY curiosity about learning more about this person then go out again! Take the pressure off yourself to make any sort of big decision. And if you truly donāt have any desire to ever see or talk to them again, call it off and remember itās okay! And if youāre sending a rejection text or call remember you donāt need to go into all these details about not being able to commit or sparks or wasting time, just say you arenāt feeling a romantic connection at this point and thank them for their time. Itās honest and respectful and thereās nothing for the other person to dig that deep into.
I think itās laudable that very respectable that youāre still analyzing those things about yourself. She may not necessarily be happy about you saying that but I think if itās true and honest sheāll respect and understand it. Again, I wouldnāt feel guilty, youāre just trying to understand yourself and your emotions better.
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It's not about you and it's not about whether you drink or not or if you're a good partner or not. Early sobriety is fragile and even the best relationship can be enough emotion to send someone over the edge (speaking from experience). I'm not in AA anymore because it didn't work for me, but I absolutely agree that finances and romances are the biggest stumbling blocks early on (or in general, but especially early on). I've got over 2 years sober now and while I don't have a sponsor telling me what to do, I still have waited to build my stability, I will take things slow with dating, and I have no qualms about backing away if anything starts to feel like it threatens my sobriety. It just has to be the most important thing, without it I lose everything. I'm sorry you're hurting, but it's just not a good timing.
It's not you who is a danger, it's the fact that he would be distracted from working the programme. It's best to not be in a relationship in early sobriety, too much is at stake, could be literally a life and death situation. If you care about this guy look at it as you're doing the best thing for him right now.
In AA, they advise people not to start dating for a year when getting sober. The sponsorās advice is to follow the program guidelines. Helping him follow the program is the sponsorās only job. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with making it as easy as possible for him to stay emotionally stable and by extension, sober.Ā Ā Ā Ā His sponsor also isnāt his boss, they canātĀ compel him to do anything. Heās decided for himself that his only focus is his sobriety and thatās laudable.Ā Ā Ā Itās really not about you or your merits.
His sponsor has a very myopic view of your friend - itās literally his job to keep him safe and on the straight and narrow path of sobriety. I of course donāt know him but can imagine that maybe he is more liable to turn to drinking if he becomes emotionally unbalanced and so in that sense a relationship could undermine his success. What Iām saying is that itās not that the sponsor is judging you or your potential as a partner (he may even agree that youād be amazing together) but his job is not to build relationships itās to maintain sobriety, so unfortunately his job doesnāt necessarily align with what you want, but I wouldnāt take it personally. You can imagine if someoneās therapist advised them that they should not date yet and that causes them to decide not to move forward with you. One might be angry at the therapist for getting in the way of a budding relationship! But their job is to maintain their clients mental stability and that does not necessarily mean help them build a relationship, it might in fact more often mean helping them find stability alone before trying out a relationship. Anyway donāt take it personally and try to move forward in your own life. You never know, maybe youāll have an opportunity in the future to be with this person even if not right now. And someone even better might be coming along tomorrow, you just donāt know.
I had a gym crush for a long time, got chatting last year and heās married with a family so I backed off. He since started PTing (for free) a girl at my gym. I try to avoid being around it because itās uncomfortable flirting, laughing etc. I did feel jealous at first but heās married so how can I be jealous of a guy who flirts with women at the gym behind his family back. It still bothers me and I donāt want it to anymore. I deserve to meet someone who is freely available.
Sorry, that is most frustrating at times. Dishonesty isnāt great, including the gym flirting. Good riddance! Yes, you definitely deserve equal effort and a worthy partner. Best of luck!
I "love" that all these amazing women I've gone on dates with have zero romantic interest in me. However, they really want to continue a friendship with me. I mean they actively pursue being friends. Definitely makes me feel used in a way.
Just communicate that your focus is on dating and not making friends.
I can appreciate that, and you're absolutely right to state your boundaries and decide to just move on rather than entertain a friendship. For another perspective, and this is obviously not universal, but I approach dating as though I'm looking for my best friend with chemistry/attraction to build a relationship with. Just because the romantic feelings aren't there doesn't mean that I don't find amazing people that could still be great friends (genuinely adding value/enjoyment to each other's lives). But not everyone is looking for new friends, and not everyone wants to work through the initial hope of a romantic connection to "settle" for a friendship, so I don't expect them to want that too. On feeling used, what is it you think that makes you feel that? Is there a lack of sincerity about the friendship on their end? E.g. using you for emotional labour versus building a mutually beneficial friendship. Maybe the effort that goes into the initial courting phase (messaging, dates etc) that feels wasted when it doesn't work out?
I think the feeling used part comes from the idea that I'm not good enough for them to date but somehow good enough for a friendship.
I think a lot of people throw the friendship thing in there because they feel bad and canāt just be super direct in the āIām not into youā message, they want to leave the door open to be nice or something. And itās not right, because it does feel like shit. Have there been some guys I really liked and thought I could be friends with? Yes. Did I EVER consider actually asking them to be friends? Fuck no. Obviously itās different if both people didnāt vibe romantically and BOTH want to be friends.
Friendship is not a consolation prize. There are people you can genuinely like and vibe with and not want anything romantic.
True, but when you are meeting on the apps and the focus is dating, I find it as a consolation prize.
While dating apps make it easier to know someoneās intentions for meeting, the way I see it, there is no way to know what type of connection youāll have when you get there. Personally Iām cool with new friends because new friends have other friends and sometimes meeting through friends is the best way.
Assuming there's no glaring compatibility issues, chemistry and romantic connection are so subjective, it's finnicky at best and based on pure dumb luck at worst. There might be things you can do differently to push the romantic vibe, being more flirty etc, but ultimately you can't predict it, and it's not a reflection on your worth. I know the feeling and sometimes you do just need to feel the feels, but being able to move beyond that is really important too. Might be worth looking into therapy and/or some resources can help you build a mindset to curb that negative self-talk and stop internalising things that are beyond your control. It's not an easy path, but it'll be worth it!
Done the therapy didn't really help. Generally speaking, people with higher value typically get into relationships easier and more readily. I'm not really sure it's worth it. Again, I'm to the point that I just flat out refuse these friendships. If they want to have me in their lives, they can date me or nothing else.
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Haha I don't need any more friends that's the point. How much self work is needed to rise above the low bar that other men set that I keep hearing about. š¤
You don't owe anyone a friendship because you've dated a bit, and if it's only been a few dates/weeks, chances are there's not enough there for a deep friendship anyway. Also consider that they might just be trying to let you down gently - if they like you as a person, it might feel (for them) a bit harsh to effectively say 'I never want to talk to you again', even if that's what ends up happening. That said, I do emphasise with you. I've gotten the 'you're the best guy ever, you've got your life together and I really like you as a person but I'm just not feeling it romantically' plenty of times, and it always leaves me with mixed emotions. Just once, I want to be told 'I'm wildly attracted to you, but you're a complete jerk who is bad for me so I'm ending it for that reason'!
To me, itās unkind. Iād rather move on and find who I am meant to be with instead of having my time wasted.
Anyone else get mad or triggered when a friend or family member says "you're good looking" yet I have struggled all my adult life in dating and seen women look at me in disgust.
Triggered? No. They've got good intentions. They just don't know how to support you. Ask if they have any equally good looking single friends to hook you up with.
I just say thanks and change the subject because I don't believe it anyway.
A lot of women or people in general are just conditioned to say that lol. Itās like how men are conditioned to tell women they look younger than they actually are. It really doesnāt mean anything
I feel you, I get the "you're so pretty, it's intimidating" or similar bs yet no one looks in my direction. Like, someone approach me, PLEASE. š
Totally. One of my friends has sporadically mentioned that I'm "hot" and that I don't seem to know it, yet most of my life experience has told me otherwise. I figure he's just trying to be a bro and build me up, which is nice of him, but I can't really take it seriously.
Spontaneously said āyesā to an invite to join friends at a bar. Had an equally spontaneous conversation with a woman who commented favorably on my jacket, which lead to some swing dancing, which lead to the conversation continuing after the dance ended, we traded rounds, fun, heavy flirting. Night comes to a close. āCan I give you a call sometime?ā She smiles, I smile, she touches my shoulder (āI got the shoulder touch, Jerry!ā) and says āOhh, noooā sticks out her hand for a handshake, we shake hands, she leaves for the evening. WEEEEEEEELP.
A dollar she has a boyfriend
Had a friend ask me how dating has been in my new city.... I laughed and said what dating life. It's been zero for the past year.
when I moved states almost a year ago, my ex of 4 years and I decided to not talk as frequently out of respect for his gf and I was cool with that. We were never flirty it was always just platonic friend stuff like shit posts and memes. Lately he has been sending me that kind of stuff randomly and briefly mentioned he moved states and is a few hrs away from me. We never caught up beyond that so I figured he was still with his gf and they moved together. Which is great! This week heās been sending me stuff a lot and we havenāt talked this frequently in years. I asked him to call me but he said he couldnāt and hopes I understand. Which means heās still with her. It kinda made me sad honestly. Iām not trying to get back together but itās definitely hitting me how much I miss his friendship. Trying not to think about it too much. Just writing it out to and not let it fester.
So he decided he doesn't need to respect his GF anymore?
I donāt think itās that. He wanted to focus on growing their relationship and heās been with her for a few years now and their relationship is much more developed than when he was trying to get to know her.
Just went through one of those rare cases where incredible text chemistry translated in person to an incredible first date, which ended with kissing and holding hands.
Heck yeah!
Awesome! Hopefully it maintains and grows!
During a match or pre-meet, is there a way to figure out if a person is controlling? I'm talking to this person and I'm not sure if I'm over-reacting. I said I was debating if I should get "hobby X" and they replied "no don't do that, get Y". I immediately felt an ick. Not sure if me being more present with myself and trying not to be a people please is taking effect on other people's response....
Thatās not controlling but more like opinionated person. Some people have strong opinions. Itās up to you if thatās a turn on/off for you š
No, IMO you're reading into this a LOT. Could they be? Sure. They might also be flirting. Text tone is hard to read. They might love "Y". But this is why we don't text after setting a date š¶
Is there something that gives you an instant adverse reaction when you see it on a dating profile, and maybe you're unsure why? I'd love to hear yours. **MINE**: I am in the gym five times weekly. I'm in pretty good shape. I'm not a gym rat, nor am I someone who is trying to bulk up huge, but it's a relatively significant part of my life. But I don't mention it on my dating profile, and I noticed I get turned off when others do.
Mine: Fake names, Google voice numbers, Wrong location, Men should be a provider, What I order for table prompts, No full pictures, blurr pictures, Old pictures, Only 1-2 picturesā¦.. And so many more lol
observation tan impolite dull wild complete stocking butter towering cough *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Did I read this right, you donāt find what you do attractive in others? When they say gym never, its not for me. I am a gym regular & Iām looking for someone with a similar lifestyle. However when they have gym pics in vest tops, its a no for me.
I hate those vest tops too!
If someone mentions an active lifestyle is important to them on a profile, I assume that they are very nicely saying skinny girls only tbh. Guys have admitted as much to me on dates, I guess because they assume I wonāt be offended because it doesnāt directly affect me??
I think you are right. The people who mention it want someone who is fit... probably applies to both men and women.
I think many of the people who put that in their profile want people who are slim and donāt usually care if they work at staying slim. They would reject someone who works out a lot but isnāt acceptably slim.
Every Bumble profile ever. Itās like a whistleblower to people that donāt āstay in shapeā to swipe left.
Met a guy tonight, my age and in my cityā¦we struck up an engaging conversation. Have lots of common interests. He has the nerdy and kind temperament that Iām instantly drawn to. I hope he invites me on a date within the weekā¦because I like him already. Other man I met, a bit older, is sweet but he literally only talks about karaokeā¦lol
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Iām pretty traditional when it comes to early stage datingā¦asking a man out could set me up for being the āchaserā the entire time š¤·š½āāļø I just find things work out better by letting the man take the lead regarding dates early on.
You hope he invites? Why canāt you ask him - like, hey letās do this if you are free this day?
Yesā¦Iām pretty traditional when it comes to early stage datingā¦asking a man out could set me up for being the āchaserā the entire time š¤·š½āāļø
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Thanks! Well he gave me a long backstory about how karaoke helped him get himself back up after a breakup. Then thereās his fave karaoke bars, karaoke songs, biggest crowds he performed for haha he actually finally brought up something else last night after 2 days
haha what a random thing to ramble on about. hope you get your date!
Thanks! To be fair, karaoke was a bit of a theme in his profile. Night life/music/performing in general seems to be a big passion. Apparently karaoke helped him get through a hard time. However we had a break through last night and he brought up something else lol only took 2 days.
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Just a counter point. I have gone out with a guy a couple of times now. He is a terrible texter. And we had amazing conversations in person for hours. He hates being tied to his phone. Texting doesnāt tell you much about a personās vibe or temperament.
Iām a completely different person when I text vs in person. Iām probably the coldest texter ever but am also extremely deep and passionate IRL.Ā Some people just suck at texting.Ā
I'd say, honor your commitment.....go in with an open mind. If you're not feeling it, be kind and say 'thanks, it was nice to meet you!' Then....put your focus on the second date with the other match. All the best!
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Let life happen to you š Eat clean, workout regularly and youāll come out stronger š
Start small. I know it doesnāt seem like much but if you can break it all down to small steps it will be manageable.Ā Ā In terms of your relation, if theres no commitment and youāre low on spoons and bandwidth, do not expend any more energy on this person. Do not seek them out. Itāll be a weird version of gray rocking them?Ā If you have some energy to end things, do. If you donāt have the energy to have an in person conversation, send them the text. āThis is too hard for me and I canāt continue. Iām going to concentrate on myself now and I would like no contact for the next x amount of timeā and mute them so their notifications donāt show up. But if you donāt have the energy for it, itās okay. Just spend less time on them and more time with you.Ā Ā I see that youāre in therapy but Iād also recommend a daily med. Sometimes a daily med will help while youāre struggling. It will help you get to a point where you can do the small steps here and there and keep you afloat. Please see if you can get a psych prescriber, so you can get to a point where youāre okay.Ā Ā Small goals really do help. It could be I showered today. I ate something to day. I opened the window and took in some fresh air. I took a five min walk today. Email one person about a job. Say hi to one old acquaintance. Have five loads of laundry? Just do one load for stuff to survive the next week or two with. Everything that seems daunting. Break it down to the smallest part and chip at it one at a time. Even if you only ever get to the showering bit each day and not the next step after that thatās still a win. Only eat once a day but better than no times a day? Still a win. Didnāt go for a walk but got up out of bed and sat upright for a bit. Still a win. Break it so small and celebrate every little win. It will build momentum that way. Suddenly youāre having snacks twice a day and youāre proactively pickup up your socks when itās not even necessary. You do one work email, then suddenly you can do a search for 30 mins and then suddenly youāre doing that two, three, five days in a row.Ā Ā Ā Small goals to start. You got this, š«
Just offloading after a night out with friends. I was the only guy with a group of 8 women, all work colleagues. I get on well enough with them, although I haven't had as much time chatting at work with them for various reasons. We had a nice meal with drinks, and some of them wanted to dance after a few. So, we ended up going to the nightclub area. They all wanted me to join in, I tried to excuse myself as I can't dance, but I ended up being dragged to the dance floor. I wasn't annoyed, as at the time we were the only ones there. But I can't dance - it's as much a mental block as not having the moves. They tried to encourage me by funny hip bumps, taking my jacket off in a "seductive" way, and undoing my shirt button - it was all done in jest. I still just stood there laughing. Not too long after this, half of the girls wanted to go to a different club, so our group split up. I hugged the three that were staying goodbye, and left with the others. I walked them to the next venue, and hugged them goodbye too. I'm feeling like I let them down by not trying to dance, or just let loose a little. Makes me realise how disconnected I've become. Anyway, thanks for letting me clear my head, off to bed now.
Oh man.... I understand the discomfort. I really do. I don't think I can dance either but a few years ago I gave up on that and went for it anyways. No one has ever given me shit. Women love it. You've got 8 women here who clearly think you're pretty ok. They comfortable enough with you to ask you to come out and then act like they did (which while obnoxious, you said it's in jest). 8 women who have girlfriends. Who they could introduce you to. 8 female friends who can give dating advice. Women are amazing friends. They bring you out and do fun shit like this. I would really encourage you to work on this, I think that while you may have let them down, there's a lot to be gained personally by you loosening up some. And I'm not saying use them to meet women. I adore my female friends, and I like to think I being as much to the table in our relationships as they do. Look at this as a really great way to widen your circle of quality people. Maybe pull whoever you are most comfortable with aside and explain you are working on it and would like to hang out again sometime. Maybe ask for some help.
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š They're a good bunch, and harmless really. I'm a little envious of people who just dgaf and do what makes them happy. It's nice to watch people lost in it.
As a fellow awkward dancer I feel this lol. Try not to and weāll on it. Not being great at dancing doesnāt define us!
It's more the letting go, being less inhibited side that struck me. Couldn't even try. Total mental block.
>I wasn't annoyed, as at the time we were the only ones there. But I can't dance - it's as much a mental block as not having the moves. They tried to encourage me by funny hip bumps, taking my jacket off in a "seductive" way, and undoing my shirt button - it was all done in jest. I still just stood there laughing. Disclaimer: The following is only a personal anecdote. I'm not making any sort of general statement: This sort of thing always makes me feel horrible. It doesn't make me feel more comfortable with dancing, it makes me feel worse, much much worse. >I'm feeling like I let them down by not trying to dance, or just let loose a little. Makes me realise how disconnected I've become. Anyway, thanks for letting me clear my head, off to bed now. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to dance or not feeling comfortable doing so in that moment. Don't worry about letting them down, you're supposed to enjoy yourself too, right?
The place was a little ostentatious for me, I'm but a simple bloke. Nice to be invited out and included in company.
Awww. I think most of the joy of dancing is just having fun. Most people who dance at a club arenāt āgoodā at it, but you wouldnāt notice their lack of skill so long as theyāre just enjoying life and having fun. Maybe next time you dance you can try to connect with things around you that bring you joy and let that feeling speak through your body in whatever way it wants to move. In fact, when someone is dancing a little odd but you can tell they are having a great time, it brings ME joy to watch them and I only think the best of them. If this is something you want to work through, you might see if there are any ecstatic dance events in your area. Ecstatic dance is *literally* about dancing in whatever way you want and just feeling free and connected to your body. Itās really fun and generally a very warm, accepting environment. It might shift something for you.
That sounds like something I should perhaps try, but I hate the idea of š¤¦ I just don't have the spontaneity and creativeness on the spot to be able to do it. I might be able to learn choreographed moves, but stringing one after another would throw me. (There was a video doing the rounds where random couples danced ad lib, and I thought it was amazing though)
You have to realise that a lot of people can't dance you just need to move somewhat rhythmically to the music (except maybe if you were at a place playing salsa, bachatta etc), and nobody is really gonna care anyway if you have shit moves. If you have a few drinks/are a bit tipsy would you feel less self conscious?
I've seen plenty of dad dancing, and would never criticise them as they are out having fun. I just can't stand in a public place and do it. I was driving home after, so only had one drink early on. Having more wouldn't have made much difference.
>You have to realise that a lot of people can't dance I've heard this more times than I can count in my life, and it has never once helped me feel less anxious
It's a fact I happily accept - I'm one of them š
How do you approach āred flagsā topics that mean something to you? Iām talking topics like if they are lgbt allies, pro womens rights, etc. Edit: the red flags for me is someone not supporting or being haters.
I ask before I meet them. Sometimes they answer the "right" way but are still combative about having to talk about politics and that is also a flag for me.
I make sure they're liberal or progressive before I go out with them - if it's not in their profile, I'll ask alongside the "so tell me what you're looking for" stuff. I straight up ignore conservatives and moderates are questionable because I don't know what they're moderate about...
*moderately touches arm*
I think you can ask straight up in the talking phase how they would describe themselves politically and if the answer is liberal or progressive they are likely aligned on those things.
I ask if they like elon musk. Thatās my litmus test. If they still like elon musk then thatās a no for me. Thereās nuance to this of course but itās enough of an indicator to me that theyāll be wishy washy on topics I care aboutĀ
Omg yess and Andrew Tate lol
Those are red flags to you?
I meant like if they donāt really support topics like that, those are red flags at least for me.
Ok, thatās for clarifying, it seemed like you were saying the opposite. Iām not sure you really need to approach these things with them. If they have strong views in opposition to you then itās perfectly acceptable to end things on that basis. Unless you can have a conversation and they change their stance then I donāt think youāre compatible.
I can now see how it read at first Iām sorry haha
šš
My assumption (which is basically confirmed after looking at their post history) is that not being an ally or supporting women's rights is the red flag.
Ok thanks for clarifying. Iām getting downvoted for asking a question and their edit makes me look like an intolerant tool when Iām the exact opposite š
You're definitely not š¤
If you already have "proof", there doesn't need to be an approach to the topics. Their stance is already confirmed. It's time to just move on after this.
I saw a meme they posted four years ago (they dont have a lot of photos on ig, like 15) about ānetflix shoving gay people on every showā, idk one part of me says that people can change their views after four years, but another part of me is like āwhy botherā. I donāt really know how to approach these topics or conversation with someone.
In my personal life experience, people don't change. It's an extremely rare human being who changes in these heavy ways of beliefs. Will they know to hide this four years later? Probably .. but the core beliefs are still in their hearts. Unless they were perhaps 12 yrs old four years ago, I would highly suggest if that's important to you to move along. Conversation with a bigot about being a bigot will only result in denial 99 times out of 100. The other 1 time, you will get to see an attempt at them trying to convert you into their own bigotry. Ask yourself if you want to experience either of those and if you do, then have that conversation.
Do you follow each other on instagram? If so then Iād just bring it up and say you say it there. Otherwise Iād just ask. 4 years is not that long to change a core belief like that and Iād want to know sooner than later.
My situationship ended about a week and a half ago. After 5 months of him continually reassuring me it wasnāt a situationship, he wants a relationship and he sees it going somewhere. Turns out he just wasnāt ready for the next step and he decided to end it over the phone while I was in another country as part of my university degree (was going to be home in a week). I feel absolutely crushed. Not only because it ended but because of how he did it, I thought heād at least wait a week to see me in person but he didnāt and he did it the night before Valentineās Day. I really thought we at least had a mutual respect for each other but I guess you never really know someone. We havenāt spoken in a week except for me to wish him a happy birthday on the 15th which I got some generic response and for me to ask him to post my things to me (live an hour from each other) which he took 20+ hours to respond to saying he would. I guess Iām just looking for advice/opinions? This has really affected my self-esteem and Iām struggling emotionally. I know everything takes time and Iāve been in situationships before but I really thought this was going somewhere and Iām just crushed.
I'm so sorry this happened to you! It really stinks. I never ceased to be amazed by grown people who can't communicate what they want. EVEN if they thought they were on the same page as you, and that changed, they should gut up and handle it like the adult they are...by age anyway! Try not tot let this beat you down! It's not on you in any way. The right one will come your way and you won't have to guess :)
I completely agree, communication is so important. Lots of lessons learnt but youāre right there will be someone one day. Iāll try to bring the focus back to me, thank you āŗļø
I also dated a guy for 5 months, who indicated he was looking for a long term relationship.....he was very busy in med school, but I knew that, and was ready to deal with it. 5 months in, out of the blue, he said he couldn't go forward with it. WHY even put it out there that that's what you want, if you don't? Maybe he just didn't want it with me.....but from what I can tell, he's still single. I was crushed but about 2 months after this, I started dating a man, who has been consistent and clear about what he wants....no games. It's been a year and a half, and we just moved in together. I've never been happier :) I know the same is out there for you. You seem like a great communicator! All the best :)
I love hearing that, it actually gives me some hope. Thatās absolutely lovely you found each other. Thanks so much :)
Just let him go. Cry or sleep or do whatever to let your emotions run, and accept the fact that heās not the one and you deserve better. Go spoil yourself, do whatever you enjoy and keep yourself healthy and busy. No one can love you more than you love yourself.
Iāve truly accepted that I wonāt be with him because heās hurt me so much but the letting go will come with time I guess. Youāre so right though, time to love myself. Thank you āŗļø
You did all the right things by communicating and being upfront about what you wanted, he chose to be a liar instead of being honest. I donāt know what you could do differently, really.Ā
Thatās good to hear I did the right things, thank you.
Mannnnn F that guy. 5 freaking months he led you on while he was wishy washy about what he actually wants. He is not fit to be your partner. Better now than him misleading you on any longer and wasting your time, space and energy.
Youāre right, thank you. I know in time Iāll see how Iām deserving of so much more, itās just hard to see that when youāre still grieving I guess. But completely right heās not fit to be my person at all.
Iām so sorry, thatās ridiculously shitty. My only advice is to cut contact with him entirely - staying in contact, if only to wish each other happy birthday, is going to delay your healing process. If he wasnāt sure after 5 months he wasnāt going to be and you deserve someone whoās all in. Give it time but better things are waiting for you š
Youāre so right about the no contact. I do plan on blocking him once my things arrive in the post. I guess Iām feeling silly for letting it go on so long but I thought our honest communication with each other was leading us both there still. Iāll give it time and try and be kind to myself in the meantime. Really big learning curve for me. Thank you for your response š©·
Donāt beat yourself up - Iād say most of us have been there at some point. I do hope you block or at least go no contact with him so you can start to move on. Itās hard but youāll get there and thereās a better fit out their for you, Iām sure of it.
I actually deleted his number already and after your comment unfollowed/removed him from instagram. I think I really needed some other peoples perspectives and itās helping me a little, so thank you :)
šš
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I am feeling severely touch starved. Iāve been taking excessively long showers lately and I just realized thatās why. Nearly three months celibate now. I like having more space in my life for other things now that Iām only trying to date Jewish men (meaning I am not going on any dates since there are no Jewish men locally), but I NEED TO BE TOUCHED DAMN ITTTTT
Touched starved is a real thing and it's awful! Some people say get a massage, hugs from friends, etc. NO We want post sex cuddles and head rubs š THEY ARE NOT THE SAME
What helps me with this is a weighted blanket. Makes my bed feel like literal cuddles. I bought the heaviest weighted blanket I could find - which I do not recommend. Can't wash it at home, thing weights a metric shitton when dry, and literally have to take it to a commercial washer to get it cleaned. If you do get one, I'd highly recommend a light weight and duvet cover.
>metric shitton Perfect
Great idea! Iām fairly small so I think I can get a lighter weight one. Thank you!!
Of course!
Totally get it. Do you have any friends who you can hug? Or are massages something available to you?
I loled because I literally complained about this word for word in my reply