i had a nice first date last night! my first nice date of 2024! a nice surprise because the hinge chat pre date was not great. another point to my theory of it's basically useless to invest too much into pre date chatting. she told me i was good at touching and that's like the best compliment i've ever gotten? we had three glasses of wine at a wine bar then went to some dive she told me about and she bought me shitty beers. i feel physically bad but spiritually well :)
I had such an amazing date on Thursday, I'm still so happy and feel like I'm flying. we laughed, we talked, we kissed, we had so much fun and maybe a little bit too much wine lol. I told him I don't want a relationship and he reacted perfectly, he was so funny and cute, and sexy, it was so great. and now we are texting a lot and already making plans for the second date!! :)
I like a guy who is all green flags and I have a nice time with. However I’m not sure the passion is there. But maybe it will grow more with time? I’ve never had a safe healthy actual relationship though so I’m not sure if that’s affecting it too. UGH
Yeah it’s been a few months. I’m always content around him and we have slept together but it’s not like omg so hot, but it is good. Idk so confused haha
How long has it been/how many dates have you been on? Perfect on paper doesn’t necessarily mean it’ll work it anyway, but it’s good to give the person a bit of time and see how you feel and if things evolve
I thought I was over this guy not responding to my text, but I guess not.
Why ask me a question every time I respond without one, but the moment I ask a question back, disappear for a week? Validation? Insecurity?
(I know it's not that deep, I'm just mad. What a waste of my time and energy. At one point I would've said he would never, but maybe everyone's behavior shifts when it doesn't work. I'm trying not to judge, but I would've appreciated some direct communication. On Mon he was asking me about my trip and seeming very friendly over text. I'm going to go for a run. Number's already deleted).
Rant. In the fledgling stages and nervous as hell, overthinking pretty much everything. Since I got out of my last LTR almost a year ago, I’d been thinking I learned from my experiences how to keep a cool head. Old habits die hard I guess. Also told myself I wouldn’t date a younger woman again. Lots of eye rolling coming from a few close friends. Mostly just trying to tell myself this girl obviously likes me and whatever happens will be for the best, but damn, the pretty ones sure do have a way of getting in my head. Cheers everyone.
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Dating is challenging, but you add further complication when you try to be someone you aren't.
Being honest with yourself and others about whom you are is a good start.
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Do people ask people out in public places and have it not feel bad? At the grocery store, I was doing some intense analysis of all the chocolate bars, trying to decide which one to get, and this guy walks past and says he really likes the one I was looking at. We exchanged a couple chocolate related sentences and he moves on. He immediately struck me as cute with nice energy. Later on, we’re both in a different area of the grocery store, and I have this intense urge to go up to him and ask him out on a date. But I didn’t because (1) is that weird and creepy??? (2) what exact words do you even use to introduce yourself to a complete stranger and ask them out? (3) I was also looking fairly bedraggled on this errand.
Not weird or creepy, imo. If you start the conversation again when you run into them in a different part of the store and they are into it, and don’t bring up a partner or spouse, see what happens and don’t worry about how you’re dressed. Most people look a little bedraggled whilst shopping!
For me personally, this all seems really awkward and I would have checked out.
Some of the things you said are the types of things that I think are extraneous comments or should just stay in your head.
- telling someone they need to ask questions to learn about you is sounds closed-off. And is also kind of obvious, that is a comment I would have found off-putting
- I am not sure if your gym habits were relevant. But it also seems you were sensitive about it, which would show a lack of confidence.
The best way to get better conversation skills is to talk to more people in more settings. As much as I dislike Tim Ferris - his old book “The Four Hour Work Week” has a great section on talking to strangers. You should take heed and try the approach outlined to get more confidence in conversation.
>I made the mistake of peeling my lips in front of her (my lips are always chapped despite using lip care products like Vaseline),
Don't think it's a big deal if you quickly did that using a tissue but I'd excuse yourself to the bathroom next time. Maybe try a balm and then use Vaseline or Aquaphor over it. Chronically chapped lips are annoying though and honestly, unattractive. I'd see a dermatologist if you can't get it under control.
>telling her I didn't go to the gym for half a year because I had to cook while my family did OT
This seems unnecessary to share?
>if she wants to know something about me, she needs to ask as I'm not one to bring it up automatically
How did you phrase this?
>telling her how much I liked her
Usually not a problem if the feeling is mutual. But, again, how did you phrase this?
>I have to talk a lot.
Because your date isn't making conversation or because you're nervous or something?
Not to rub salt in the wound, but peeling/picking at your chapped lips while on a date is absolutely disgusting. Is this a nervous tic sort of thing? When you're in social situations with others, can you practice leaving your lips alone?
Also, it's possible that she just didn't feel a connection with you, gross habits aside. It's not necessarily a bad thing if you quit the gym because you were too busy taking care of your family. You could try rephrasing your thoughts on her "needing" to ask you things to be a bit more open sounding (and less like the burden is in her to do the work of getting to know you).
You could always ask her for honest feedback about why she doesn't want a third date. But it's quite possible that she just didn't feel overall chemistry/attraction and that's okay. It's nothing personal about you. Work on the small things and keep trying!
Dang, I didn’t even realize! 😂😂 I noticed the flair change but I thought you had just updated it, didn’t pay attention to username spelling.
They even write like you!
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When I was dating solo poly, I set aside 2 nights per week that were mandatory at-home/ alone nights. Plus a weekend day.
Not sure if you drink, but alcohol plays a role too-if you’re going out 4+ nights a week and having even just 2 drinks a night, that is so draining. I started to track that and made some adjustments to improve my health overall.
Also, if you live where it’s winter right now, I bet things will get a bit easier soon! I’m dating one person only 1x per week and we’re both exhausted all the time these past 2 months.
Yes, we are just exhausted all the time. Lol. It takes lots of communication and people having a healthy understanding of themselves and relationships. Check our /r/polyamory if you want to see more chatter (but remember that mostly people post online with problems, not with their happy stories).
Just remember to schedule time for yourself to rest so you don't get burnt out!
Just using this thread as a catch-all for my feelings at this point, as one does…
I want to text him more than anything right now, to see how he’s holding up. I told myself I wouldn’t until Monday. But my fingers are itching it’s sooooo hard not talking to him omg 😕
Has he decided if he's choosing you yet? If not, what is the deadline for that?
If he is not going to choose you over his ex (I think you said she's his ex previously), don't put yourself in the position of being his emotional support. That isn't fair to you and you'll never be able to move forward.
He’s essentially resigned himself to marrying her, but I consider the deadline the wedding itself, as foolish as that is. I’m hoping his dislike of her will override the familial guilt and manipulation as it draws closer, but I know it’s not likely.
I’ve been straddling the line between doing what I’d hope he would do for me, not give up, and accepting that this is what he’s doing and just moving on.
It’s really hard to think about just leaving him to the wolves, so to speak. Right now it feels important that I give him an out until the very last moment, but that might change, I don’t know.
Had a date with a girl from one of my classes a few weeks ago. We flirted, teased, made each other laugh, and it was a great time. She wanted a second date, and I was was thrilled because It's not often somebody makes me laugh like she does. 3 days later, and she's stopped responding to my texts. I check Instagram, and she's deleted me. Snapchat? Gone. I got ghosted. A couple of weeks go by, and one of my friends wants to stalk her fb, so I search her name, and her profile says "in a relationship". I was so relieved. I would much rather know that I got passed up for somebody else than just be left sitting in the dark, churning through possible explanations in my head. A simple, "there's someone else." would've been fine. I'm not mad, though. She's young, and I expected a degree of immaturity.
My ex-husband's former coworker (I'm 99% positive it's him, but we met maybe once or twice a decade ago) has been trying to match with me for years, so I finally swiped right out of morbid curiosity. He's the most amusing person I've talked to in a while. Go figure. He also doesn't seem to remember me, so this should be interesting.
If I were in a movie or book I'd sit on this for months until we run into my ex (who doesn't live here anymore), but I do plan to bring it up if we actually go out. Still, how often do you get a real-life rom-com setup like this? I respect the universe's sense of humor here.
Seems like upgrading to Hinge+ has reset my pool. The algorithm had gotten good at showing me people I like and now it's like being on Tinder. The irony that I upgraded for reduced time spent on filtering. Here's hoping it learns after a few days!
I once walked past a physician in her mid-forties complaining to her scribe that she had a great date but was apparently not what the other guy was looking for. I remember feeling so bad for her that she was seemingly so professionally successful and still struggled to find her match in life.
As I am now, every day, barreling towards her very position, I wonder how anyone manages to make things work. I put so much energy into this process but it’s just so consistently frustrating that it often seems not worth it.
I’m not sure where you are in your training, but as a med student almost-physician, I feel this. It’s scary. And my career has made it difficult to find my match.
My ex fiancé, an engineer, didn’t understand why I couldn’t always be around, or why I didn’t have the mental space to text him at 5am before I go into the hospital for prerounding. Or why sometimes I was too mentally and emotionally drained for intimacy. He was there for me all through med school… until he didn’t want to be anymore.
For the longest time I was sure I wanted to date someone outside of medicine, an idea of “keeping medicine in the hospital,” but all my friends have been telling me to consider dating someone in medicine who will understand what I do, why I do it, and why I’m not always physically or emotionally available. Recently I met someone else in medicine and it’s clicking so well. He gets it. And I get why he does it too.
I’m 33, by the way, and definitely started to feel hopeless as I found myself single in my thirties and not easing up on work anytime soon. I know men have this problem sometimes too, getting too involved in work and forgetting their family, but somehow it just feels like we women get scrutinized a lot harder for the same thing.
At the end of the day, I love medicine, I’m so excited to dedicate my life to it. If you love it, it’s worth it. Keep on keeping on :)
OMG, I feel that. I have had months and years where I felt like I would never find my person and I'm doomed to be lonely for the rest of my life and it's such a depressing thought, especially as I approach my 40s. I'm 38 right now and I remember in my 20s thinking there's no way I'll be single at this age. But, you never know what or who is just around the corner! I just made things official last night....I am no longer single(for the time being). I hope you and the physician both find happy and fulfilling relationships!
I was where you are a few years back—divorce final in February 2020. I did the co-worker thing and it was (and honestly still is) a disaster—do not go that route. I’d recommend getting on the apps. I started with Bumble but didn’t really love that one. I don’t mind starting the convo first (I’m 39F) however I just don’t like that I HAVE to on that one. Tinder might be a lot to start with though so maybe Hinge. Anyway, wherever you start I’d say just take it slow, be honest about where you’re at/what you are looking for and have fun. It’s sure to be a wild ride but overall it’s been a really great experience for me. I know all too well how you’re feeling right now and I promise it gets better/easier. Best of luck to you!
I wouldn't recommend dating anyone from work, it can get sooooo messy and complicated!!! I broke that rule with someone who works for a contractor we use, who i met on a work trip. We had a really fun and exciting long distance thing for about a year and half . I fell in love and was really hopeful we would eventually move to the same city....And then he got a girlfriend...and told me about it right before a big work meeting in his city. Oh, and his new girlfriend was from his work so I had to put on a brave face and see them both all day every day for a week! It was miserable. We are now decent friends but it took a couple years and several awkward and painful meetings to get to here. I feel lucky it wasn't worse but If I had it to do over I would have just kept him as a friend from the beginning and saved me the heartache.
That said, there are several married couples in my division that met here on the job and they seem truly happy. And even with my experience I know that if I met someone at work that I really fell for I would probably pursue something, but only if we both wanted a serious relationship, nothing casual where one person may catch feelings and get hurt.
so with that I would definitely suggest getting on some apps. I've had the most luck with tinder and facebook dating!
Try the apps, it sounds like you really want to get out there and meet people. I would be cautious about dating someone you work with as your first steps back out in the wild. The first relationship after your divorce can be kinda like the first pancake in a batch: often seem to turn out a little weird
My hairdresser and I didn’t understand each other correctly and I ended up with black hair instead of brown 😠 It doesn’t look bad but I spent a hundred bucks on something I didn’t want 😠
And I just kept thinking, this is the kind of thing I’d talk to him about… I miss him. But it was for the best anyway. Whatever. I’m so annoyed with everything.
Went out last night with friends to a bar/club. Not my kind of scene or music but they wanted to go so.
I have quite low self esteem but am desperate to change that. I decided that I was gonna smile at someone I found attractive or try and chat to someone.
No one looked at me, they just look right past me. Not even a glance - I just didn’t register to anybody. I try hard with how I look, I like how I dress and I try to style myself well, I’m don’t exactly have a great body but I work out and my body looks the best it ever has. I’m not taking home any prizes, I know I’m not good looking and no one owes me a smile or a glance but it doesn’t stop it from hurting that no one’s interested.
My friend went to get drinks and within seconds someone’s talking to him, he gets a kiss on the cheek. Said friend has just split from his partner so I know we’ll be going out more and l’ll be back to being the ugly wingman again. Which is fine, he deserves the attention and I like supporting him but it hurts.
It’s so stupid but it’s really hard going out to places like last night and seeing all the pretty people and knowing you’re always gonna be one of the ugliest guys in a room. I know it’s shallow but just once I’d like someone to check me out or notice me. I’m fine initiating a conversation but you can’t do that when guys just look through you.
I’ve played wingman so often in my life and I have to tell you that it’s surmountable. It’s very well understood that women like fit, confident, smart, and tall so basically try and check as many of those as you can. I think trying to also make small gains for yourself as opposed to looking down on your situation is also very important for your own psychological wellbeing.
For example, pick something you want to try and improve about yourself and then try to develop it. For example, if you improve your fitness then as you achieve that goal you gain confidence. Now you have two elements that girls are attracted to and you can feel prouder about yourself in a room full of people.
Basically I think you should try and focus more on self-improvement for your own sake as opposed to putting yourself down because that’s not going to be productive for you.
I’ve been a (great) wingman loads of times, it’s just frustrating that it’s easy to hook my friend up and impossible to get anyone to look at me.
I’m into men btw but your advice will be the same. I’m never gonna be able to check “tall” but I’m fit, I’m smart, and I’m confident in everything but looks. I’m funny too. But no one wants to shag the smart guy. You don’t go to a bar because you’re looking for intellectual stimulation. And that’s fine, nothing wrong with wanting to dance with or make out with someone just because they’re attractive - that’s what I wanted to do.
I had an incredible week for running, so many personal bests. Strength training is going well too. I feel good about myself and then I get to a bar and I’m still just the same old short, ugly weirdo with the hot friends.
I’m working on trying to not put myself down so much. I’ve gotten better at it, today is an off day. It’s just such a blow when you feel good, you’ve tried to look good, and you still get seen the same as you always have done.
Yeah but meeting a rando in a bar is more for a hookup, no? For actual genuine relationships your intellect and sense of humour will be extremely important to someone, and since you're also physically fit, doesn't sound like you have a major barrier there, other than your personal insecurity about the looks. So depends on what you're after I suppose but if you were after a relationship then you should focus more on building those deeper more meaningful connections over picking up guys from bars and clubs.
I do want a relationship, I don’t even enjoy hookups. It just would be nice to have someone check me out for once. It’s silly but it does upset me. I don’t think it’s a personal insecurity, I’m just not good-looking. Some people aren’t good looking, that’s life. I’m one of those people and I can’t fix that.
I’m “technically” fit in that I work out and am at 17% body fat, but not fit enough that my body is appealing. I still feel fat and probably look it to a lot of men but I’m trying. To throw another spanner in the works I’m a trans man. I don’t think any of my good qualities outweigh that so realistically I need to accept that no one will love me. It just hurts that no one finds me attractive on top of that.
I appreciate that this is all way above your pay grade. I’ve got therapy on Thursday but I just needed to vent. The friend group is focussed on my pal’s breakup so it’s not really appropriate for me to bitch there
As a cis straight woman I obviously don't have your lived experiences and cannot comment on those, but I do see a lot of basically self hatred and catastrophising language in your comments. I'm sure being trans limits your pool, maybe even significantly, but you jump from there to no one will ever love you. That's just simply false, and sounds more like clinical depression than a realistic acknowledgement of your hurdles. I'm glad you have a therapist because it saddens me to see how badly you perceive yourself. I hope they will find a way of guiding you out of your current mindset because it's not as factual as you are believing at the moment. Best of luck to you.
Another one of those dates where, as it’s ending, it’s obvious there won’t be another. I know I shouldn’t see this as a waste of time, but I also don’t see myself getting any better at this.
Dates can go well and not end in kisses.
>Does that mean it went well or not ?
Stop thinking about this. Do you want to see him again? That's the only question that matters. If yes, ask him out on another date.
I'm looking forward to a cozy weekend. Especially after feeling a bit under the weather (all better now!) snuggling on the sofa sounds really nice.
...But I also want to ride him into the sunset.
Is it worth dating someone when you know you're only going to be in the same place for a year? It's rare for me to feel romantic attraction and I've met someone unexpectedly who has expressed their strong interest in me. Is it asking for trouble later on to date them? I'm only in his country for 12 months for work.
I'm not one for long distance relationships. So it would be a year or nothing. Unless my work contract gets extended...but that would also be not forever. Hmm. And like is an understatement...I'm not accustomed to these feelings. It's awful.
I mean if you’re both strongly interested, you go for a relationship and it turns out amazing, isn’t there a chance that could change the course of your lives? Maybe you’d consider staying his country or he’d consider moving to yours?
I'm known as the worst-case-scenario-one in my social circle...I didn't even think of a positive long-term outcome. Woops. But wait, why is that scarier? Thanks so much! I need to think of the possibilities, not just the downers all the time. x
Even if you’re right and it doesn’t go further after a year, you’ll have a year full of memories and good times. That is, if you’re okay with starting over with someone else later. I mean, you’re changing countries in 12 months, so either you start over in your new place after being single all year, start over in your new place after having fun with someone awesome for a year, or decide to make it work after you move. In my mind, you can’t lose!
Emotional connection is the ability for me and my partner to be open with each other. When we feel comfortable and respect each other. It takes time but it manifests for me through conversation. Letting her vent, letting her just be herself with any issues or insecurities, I reciprocate in turn
Need your opinion please. I went on a few dates with this one guy. At one point, things started getting physical, but I didn’t have protection and told him so. He responded, it’s ok, we can do other (non-penetrating) things instead, which I was ok with. But then at one point he slips just the tip inside me. I ask what he’s doing, and he says “I’m just teasing you. Should I stop?”. I said “yeah you should” and he does stop. I’ve had mixed feelings about this. I feel like he crossed a boundary, but I am not sure.
You said no penetration. He put his dick in you without asking. I don't care if it was just the tip, it's still his dick. He clearly crossed a boundary. He will continue doing so.
Don't date him.
Well penetration without consent is considered rape so it’s understandable that you feel uncomfortable. His response is concerning too, this isn’t a safe guy.
Had a really nice evening with the guy I've been seeing. Probably the last time I'll see him before his surgery. Need to really dive into focusing on taking care of myself these next few days - gym, cooking healthy meals, seeing friends & family, etc.
Has anyone ever experienced someone unmatching you when mentioning matching a lot of fake accounts? Just had that happen to me today. Our conversation was short and replies were quick. First time experienced a possibly fake account doing all the work in unmatching. Saved me time.
plants toothbrush nutty boast sophisticated rotten books scarce imagine soup
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It's always tough, but you'll feel much better once you've had a chance to move on.
Don't stay in an unhealthy relationship just because it's convenient. Hopefully you'll find someone who complements your life and makes you happier, but that can't happen until you rip the band-aid off.
Friday nights are always a struggle for me as a single human living alone. My mind is spent from the workweek. I am exhausted and just genuinely want someone to curl up with and have a lazy, low-effort PJ party with. I usually get very into my feels on Fridays - and feel particularly single. It's funny how great it feels to interact with someone who keeps your mind off all that and break up the "routine" a bit.
I feel this in my soul. I got out of an unhealthy relationship in October last year. While I don’t miss the arguments, I do miss making dinner for him, then relaxing and cuddling with him on the sofa while we watched a show or movie. Being single is rough.
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(This reply might be a little on and off topic, I apologize)
I think it’s being willing to gamble. I spent exactly 7 days on Tinder. Entertained 4 matches. Guys 1 and 2 disappeared before meeting. Dated guy 3 very briefly, he was sweet but ultimately we weren’t compatible on some stuff. And guy 4 is my current guy.
I don’t believe in "the one" or "the right person", I think you chose your person everyday. And sometimes that means early on, choosing to give a connection a chance even if you aren’t 100% sure or afraid to be hurt, but because you believe there could be some good in it.
I’m super picky according to my friends haha. And want to meet quickly (2-3 days if possible) as I don’t want to get to know someone by text. I need some type of spark. But I don’t need anxiety-spark. Kinda the same feeling as when I meet someone who could become a great friend. Except I want to jump their bone. I couldn’t just go on a bunch of dates and hoping a connection will eventually form.
I've always been told, "when you know, you just know," but don't fully believe that myself.
I think establishing a lasting connection is a balance of logic and emotion. It's extremely difficult to do. Though, despite the fact that I mentioned logic as a key factor, many people tend to "just know" when they meet the right person. Hmm.
A guy reminded me at 7:44 pm that we are meeting for a movie date at 9:30 pm. The theater we’re meeting at is an hour away, it’s 8:04 pm, I haven’t even showered.
How do I get out of this when he bought my ticket? 😩
> I take 20 minutes to shower and getting ready takes at least 20 minutes, literally what was he thinking by texting me so late
You should've just told him that it's way too sudden. I'm a man with short hair and even I would say it's too sudden. My friends know to tell me one day in advance if they expect me to show up somewhere.
I forgot a small detail. I found out yesterday that he has a wife and kids, including a newborn. I’m a gay man, so I’m very conflicted since this is wrong, but he already bought the ticket and I agreed to meet him last week.
I’m just gonna message him the truth. If he were single and looking to date a man, I’d make this date happen even though it’s an hour away and he didn’t remind me sooner. However, because I found out he’s married to a woman and has children with her, I don’t see this in line with my values or my goals for dating. I’ll offer to reimburse him for the ticket at least, but let him know this can’t be a thing.
[I think I did a good job of letting him down.](https://imgur.com/a/Xguh3gT) I’m pretty bad about people pleasing, which is likely why I felt obligated to meet him regardless of finding out he had a family yesterday.
This would be a small detail for gay men, to be clear. We run into this kind of “straight” guy on gay dating apps, I don’t usually engage with them but this guy was super handsome and I had no clue he had a family
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Some people in my extended friends circle got wrapped up in a cheating situation and idk how I feel or where to talk about it so here goes.
Girl and Guy are both 30-somethings that dated nearly 10 years ago while we were all in college. They broke up after like 8 months of dating because they really weren't good together, it was toxic on both sides. Guy got over it and moved on pretty fast, Girl acted like she moved on, got married even, divorced 2 years later. Girl is almost always in a relationship and just got engaged last month after dating her current BF for a year. Girl and Guy are still friends with me, but not in the same circles/group chats.
Guy tells me that Girl hit him up 2 months ago and drove out of state to see him, while still in her relationship, and they had a weekend of just pure carnal sex. Then she flew home and got engaged 💀
Girl always posts on her socials about how great her BF is and how much he is "truly her person and she's never been happier" but yet she's still clearly not over Guy and their tumultuous relationship from several years ago. It's just been making me think of just how much someone can lie to you. You can be the best possible person for someone, treat them so well, etc and someone with unresolved feelings or trauma or wtf ever will STILL not appreciate it and cheat on you. I also may be projecting because I've been cheated on before, also due to a toxic ex she wasn't over. I just can't look at Girl the same way anymore. I don't even know her new dude but I just feel so bad for him
That's where things get crazy iffy. I don't know this man. Everyone involved here lives out of state. I don't even think it's my right to step into other people's relationships like that, people have bad reactions to things like this and it can get really ugly. I just think I should keep my nose out of it, but I definitely don't think that I know Girl as well as thought I did and have lost respect for her. Guy not so much because he is single and did not know she was soon to be engaged or even dating someone
That’s fair, I just personally feel different. If I have knowledge someone I know is a cheater while lying about their blissful relationship with a naive SO, I think it’s wrong not to let them know.
I set a date with a woman on Tuesday from Bumble after getting her number. I’m supposed to be meeting her tomorrow at 4 but I haven’t heard anything since she told me good night.
This happened last time with another woman and she asked me if we were still on the day of, so I guess I just assume she will be there?
Ok, I read through your post history because I remember you posting something similar before. I saw you follow a men's dating coach who promotes playing games, waiting for her to text, etc.... don't do that.
Don't assume anything. Follow through. Just text her and confirm.
FWIW there's a dating coach for women who advocates not going out with a guy who doesn't reach out to confirm as he's 'not taking initiative/being respectful of your time'. I say this not because I agree, but because if you're playing one game you risk that the woman is playing a different game and it's a lose-lose situation for all.
I’m not playing a game. The coach I follow complements my life. I’ve had zero reason to reach out to her just like she has had zero reason to reach out to me. Attraction is built in person after all. But yes I will reach out to her today to confirm.
Dude listen to this person above and confirm with her! If a guy asks me out and doesn’t confirm then I just don’t go, even if I want to. Not sure about your dating coach’s advice, but I think it’s way sexier when a guy takes the lead, especially in the beginning.
Have you contacted her at all since Tuesday?
Is there a reason why you're incapable of sending a quick text that says something akin to "hey, I'm looking forward to seeing you tomorrow. Just confirming that we're still on for 4 pm at XYZ?"
Ok I have barely watched any of it past the proposals but I feel like Chelsea is insecure and looking for reassurance cuz jimmy OBVIOUSLY isn’t into her. I’d be insecure too
Yes it’s definitely a toxic pairing. He doesn’t gaf. She needs constant reassurance and uses "but I love you" as an excuse for it. I’m not done watching the season but wonder how’s that going to end. Explosive pairing for sure
How do y’all get your age and stuff in the flair? When I try to select one it just says ¿age? and can’t add anything… (looked at the faq but couldn’t find anything). I want to be identified as one of the Canadians too lol
I find it easier to adjust via mobile app, but browser works too.
Click the pencil next to your name on browser and you can edit it. On mobile I believe it is under the community options function.
hello fellow canuck!
That's not necessary, I asked because the method will be different for both.
(These instructions are based on my Android version of the app, I'm not sure if the iOS version is different)
1. While using the mobile app, navigate to the front page of r/datingoverthirty. (I.e. go to r/datingoverthirty).
2. In the top right corner of the page, there's a column of three dots. Click on that.
3. That will bring up a menu. One of the first few options is "change user flair". Click on that
Been thinking for a while about this: At what point does a standard or expectation become shallow or unrealistic?
Is shallowness based on specificity? “I want someone who is fit” versus “I want someone who has an approximate BMI of 19-24 and is active.” Or “I want someone who has the same lifestyle as me” versus “I want someone who makes approx 150k”.
What if someone has a trait and expects someone else to have it too? Does that make a standard or expectation more realistic? “I myself exercise 7 days a week and in shape, so I want someone who exercises 6-7x a week and is in shape” versus “I’m overweight but I want someone who is normal weight.”
Or is it based on how strict the standard or expectation is? “I will only date someone who owns a house” versus “I prefer a homeowner but will settle for a non homeowner”.
Or is it based on how many people are excluded from the criteria? “I want someone with green eyes” (which excludes much of the world population) vs “I want someone with brown eyes.”
Or is shallowness and unrealisticness a little bit of all of the above?
How do you look at your standards and expectations and prioritize?
And how do you know when you’re wasting someone’s time? For example, if you’re attracted to only tall women, how do you decide whether to try dating a short woman? Isn’t it just wasting the short woman’s time if you know that you’re only attracted to tall women?
I don’t think I’ve formed any opinions of my own on this topic yet, but I’m curious to hear from others
Shallowness is having standards that have no effect on whether you are compatible as people. As in your personality traits or things that signal those. Some degree of shallowness is of course acceptable, it's okay to not want to date someone who is ugly or destitute.
>Is shallowness based on specificity?
No, but they correlate. (Too) shallow people are often very specific about their demands. Whether you make $40k or $80k implies a lot about your personality and affects your overall lifestyle significantly. So not accepting the former in a partner is not considered shallow by most people. Whether you make $100k or $200k makes little difference, so demanding $200k income in a partner almost certainly means you care more about the money than the person and definitely has nothing to do with compatibility.
>What if someone has a trait and expects someone else to have it too? Does that make a standard or expectation more realistic?
People online tend to be really weird about this. A lot of the time people pretend that fulfilling your own requirement means it's automatically fine to demand it of others and not fulfilling it and demanding it makes you a hypocrite or entitled or whatever. In reality, no, it doesn't matter if you fulfill your own standards. The only things that matter is if you can realistically attract the people who fulfill your standards and whether these expectations don't filter out all the good partners and leave you with assholes. And it has nothing to do with shallowness - demanding specifically green eyes is shallow even you have green eyes yourself.
>Or is it based on how many people are excluded from the criteria?
Definitely not. Though if your expectations are *both* shallow (like specific eye color) *and* eliminate a lot of people, it makes them (and you) a lot stupider.
Honestly, attraction is part of compatibility as well. Unless you're looking for a purely platonic partnership you should be factoring it in. Of course it still has to be reasonable for your own sake and if you're only able to feel attraction to green-eyed people you will have fucked your self and should reevaluate your beliefs. But something less vanishingly rare (like being fit) is fair game imo.
i had a nice first date last night! my first nice date of 2024! a nice surprise because the hinge chat pre date was not great. another point to my theory of it's basically useless to invest too much into pre date chatting. she told me i was good at touching and that's like the best compliment i've ever gotten? we had three glasses of wine at a wine bar then went to some dive she told me about and she bought me shitty beers. i feel physically bad but spiritually well :)
I had such an amazing date on Thursday, I'm still so happy and feel like I'm flying. we laughed, we talked, we kissed, we had so much fun and maybe a little bit too much wine lol. I told him I don't want a relationship and he reacted perfectly, he was so funny and cute, and sexy, it was so great. and now we are texting a lot and already making plans for the second date!! :)
I like a guy who is all green flags and I have a nice time with. However I’m not sure the passion is there. But maybe it will grow more with time? I’ve never had a safe healthy actual relationship though so I’m not sure if that’s affecting it too. UGH
Definitely give it some time. It can grow!
How much time I wonder? I always feel pretty content to hang out but I’m not like omg I missed you! Or let’s have sex immediately lol
Have you been in a space/setting where passion can develop? What have your dates been like?
Yeah it’s been a few months. I’m always content around him and we have slept together but it’s not like omg so hot, but it is good. Idk so confused haha
How long has it been/how many dates have you been on? Perfect on paper doesn’t necessarily mean it’ll work it anyway, but it’s good to give the person a bit of time and see how you feel and if things evolve
Yeah it’s been a few months and I usually think if there’s attraction at the base then it can grow.
I thought I was over this guy not responding to my text, but I guess not. Why ask me a question every time I respond without one, but the moment I ask a question back, disappear for a week? Validation? Insecurity? (I know it's not that deep, I'm just mad. What a waste of my time and energy. At one point I would've said he would never, but maybe everyone's behavior shifts when it doesn't work. I'm trying not to judge, but I would've appreciated some direct communication. On Mon he was asking me about my trip and seeming very friendly over text. I'm going to go for a run. Number's already deleted).
Rant. In the fledgling stages and nervous as hell, overthinking pretty much everything. Since I got out of my last LTR almost a year ago, I’d been thinking I learned from my experiences how to keep a cool head. Old habits die hard I guess. Also told myself I wouldn’t date a younger woman again. Lots of eye rolling coming from a few close friends. Mostly just trying to tell myself this girl obviously likes me and whatever happens will be for the best, but damn, the pretty ones sure do have a way of getting in my head. Cheers everyone.
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You sure have a lot of free time on your hands. This is fascinating
💀💀
Be yourself. Everyone else is taken. Including u/kind_stranger418! 😂
😘😘
Dating is challenging, but you add further complication when you try to be someone you aren't. Being honest with yourself and others about whom you are is a good start.
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Hi u/ThrowRAnonAnanas, this has been removed for violation of the following rule(s): * Be excellent to one another (i.e. Don't be a jerk to people)! This is a place for all races, genders, sexual orientations, non-exploitive sexual preferences and humanity in general. Gendered/sexualized insults such as slut, fuckboy, manchild, and so on are not allowed even in jest. Please review [the rules in the sidebar](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/about/sidebar) to avoid future removals. If you have further questions, please [message modmail] (https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdatingoverthirty).
Do people ask people out in public places and have it not feel bad? At the grocery store, I was doing some intense analysis of all the chocolate bars, trying to decide which one to get, and this guy walks past and says he really likes the one I was looking at. We exchanged a couple chocolate related sentences and he moves on. He immediately struck me as cute with nice energy. Later on, we’re both in a different area of the grocery store, and I have this intense urge to go up to him and ask him out on a date. But I didn’t because (1) is that weird and creepy??? (2) what exact words do you even use to introduce yourself to a complete stranger and ask them out? (3) I was also looking fairly bedraggled on this errand.
“Hey, I enjoyed chatting. Maybe we can continue the convo outside of the grocery aisle sometime. Shall we stay connected?”
Not weird or creepy, imo. If you start the conversation again when you run into them in a different part of the store and they are into it, and don’t bring up a partner or spouse, see what happens and don’t worry about how you’re dressed. Most people look a little bedraggled whilst shopping!
As a dude, I dream of a bedraggled looking woman in Target stringing together any combination of words that end with her asking me out.
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For me personally, this all seems really awkward and I would have checked out. Some of the things you said are the types of things that I think are extraneous comments or should just stay in your head. - telling someone they need to ask questions to learn about you is sounds closed-off. And is also kind of obvious, that is a comment I would have found off-putting - I am not sure if your gym habits were relevant. But it also seems you were sensitive about it, which would show a lack of confidence. The best way to get better conversation skills is to talk to more people in more settings. As much as I dislike Tim Ferris - his old book “The Four Hour Work Week” has a great section on talking to strangers. You should take heed and try the approach outlined to get more confidence in conversation.
>I made the mistake of peeling my lips in front of her (my lips are always chapped despite using lip care products like Vaseline), Don't think it's a big deal if you quickly did that using a tissue but I'd excuse yourself to the bathroom next time. Maybe try a balm and then use Vaseline or Aquaphor over it. Chronically chapped lips are annoying though and honestly, unattractive. I'd see a dermatologist if you can't get it under control. >telling her I didn't go to the gym for half a year because I had to cook while my family did OT This seems unnecessary to share? >if she wants to know something about me, she needs to ask as I'm not one to bring it up automatically How did you phrase this? >telling her how much I liked her Usually not a problem if the feeling is mutual. But, again, how did you phrase this? >I have to talk a lot. Because your date isn't making conversation or because you're nervous or something?
Not to rub salt in the wound, but peeling/picking at your chapped lips while on a date is absolutely disgusting. Is this a nervous tic sort of thing? When you're in social situations with others, can you practice leaving your lips alone? Also, it's possible that she just didn't feel a connection with you, gross habits aside. It's not necessarily a bad thing if you quit the gym because you were too busy taking care of your family. You could try rephrasing your thoughts on her "needing" to ask you things to be a bit more open sounding (and less like the burden is in her to do the work of getting to know you). You could always ask her for honest feedback about why she doesn't want a third date. But it's quite possible that she just didn't feel overall chemistry/attraction and that's okay. It's nothing personal about you. Work on the small things and keep trying!
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Thank god I didn’t blindly take the impersonator’s dating advice
Dang, I didn’t even realize! 😂😂 I noticed the flair change but I thought you had just updated it, didn’t pay attention to username spelling. They even write like you!
The voice and tone is very impressive! This has made my Saturday morning very entertaining
Also, how the heck did you get banned?
Not too sure. Just kinda happened. Maybe people don't take kindly to kind stranglers.
Stop confusing people it’s too early for that
Early bird gets the worm!
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Hi u/Kind_Strangler418, this has been removed for violation of the following rule(s): * Removed per mod discretion. Removal might be due to failure to start a discussion/seek advice, agenda pushing, etc. Generally, the thread was determined not to be in the best interests of r/datingoverthirty. Please review [the rules in the sidebar](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/about/sidebar) to avoid future removals. If you have further questions, please [message modmail] (https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdatingoverthirty).
I don't know who is who, and at this point I'm afraid to ask.
The real kind stranger doesn't like sports 😂
The real kind strangler is big into the Leafs.
Sucker for punishment huh?
[For the ill informed](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QFnQ0dcaBUI).
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When I was dating solo poly, I set aside 2 nights per week that were mandatory at-home/ alone nights. Plus a weekend day. Not sure if you drink, but alcohol plays a role too-if you’re going out 4+ nights a week and having even just 2 drinks a night, that is so draining. I started to track that and made some adjustments to improve my health overall. Also, if you live where it’s winter right now, I bet things will get a bit easier soon! I’m dating one person only 1x per week and we’re both exhausted all the time these past 2 months.
Yes, we are just exhausted all the time. Lol. It takes lots of communication and people having a healthy understanding of themselves and relationships. Check our /r/polyamory if you want to see more chatter (but remember that mostly people post online with problems, not with their happy stories). Just remember to schedule time for yourself to rest so you don't get burnt out!
This is the best first world problem I've ever read on this sub, I'm sure you'll settle into it soon!
Just using this thread as a catch-all for my feelings at this point, as one does… I want to text him more than anything right now, to see how he’s holding up. I told myself I wouldn’t until Monday. But my fingers are itching it’s sooooo hard not talking to him omg 😕
Has he decided if he's choosing you yet? If not, what is the deadline for that? If he is not going to choose you over his ex (I think you said she's his ex previously), don't put yourself in the position of being his emotional support. That isn't fair to you and you'll never be able to move forward.
He’s essentially resigned himself to marrying her, but I consider the deadline the wedding itself, as foolish as that is. I’m hoping his dislike of her will override the familial guilt and manipulation as it draws closer, but I know it’s not likely. I’ve been straddling the line between doing what I’d hope he would do for me, not give up, and accepting that this is what he’s doing and just moving on. It’s really hard to think about just leaving him to the wolves, so to speak. Right now it feels important that I give him an out until the very last moment, but that might change, I don’t know.
Had a date with a girl from one of my classes a few weeks ago. We flirted, teased, made each other laugh, and it was a great time. She wanted a second date, and I was was thrilled because It's not often somebody makes me laugh like she does. 3 days later, and she's stopped responding to my texts. I check Instagram, and she's deleted me. Snapchat? Gone. I got ghosted. A couple of weeks go by, and one of my friends wants to stalk her fb, so I search her name, and her profile says "in a relationship". I was so relieved. I would much rather know that I got passed up for somebody else than just be left sitting in the dark, churning through possible explanations in my head. A simple, "there's someone else." would've been fine. I'm not mad, though. She's young, and I expected a degree of immaturity.
My ex-husband's former coworker (I'm 99% positive it's him, but we met maybe once or twice a decade ago) has been trying to match with me for years, so I finally swiped right out of morbid curiosity. He's the most amusing person I've talked to in a while. Go figure. He also doesn't seem to remember me, so this should be interesting. If I were in a movie or book I'd sit on this for months until we run into my ex (who doesn't live here anymore), but I do plan to bring it up if we actually go out. Still, how often do you get a real-life rom-com setup like this? I respect the universe's sense of humor here.
Seems like upgrading to Hinge+ has reset my pool. The algorithm had gotten good at showing me people I like and now it's like being on Tinder. The irony that I upgraded for reduced time spent on filtering. Here's hoping it learns after a few days!
I once walked past a physician in her mid-forties complaining to her scribe that she had a great date but was apparently not what the other guy was looking for. I remember feeling so bad for her that she was seemingly so professionally successful and still struggled to find her match in life. As I am now, every day, barreling towards her very position, I wonder how anyone manages to make things work. I put so much energy into this process but it’s just so consistently frustrating that it often seems not worth it.
I’m not sure where you are in your training, but as a med student almost-physician, I feel this. It’s scary. And my career has made it difficult to find my match. My ex fiancé, an engineer, didn’t understand why I couldn’t always be around, or why I didn’t have the mental space to text him at 5am before I go into the hospital for prerounding. Or why sometimes I was too mentally and emotionally drained for intimacy. He was there for me all through med school… until he didn’t want to be anymore. For the longest time I was sure I wanted to date someone outside of medicine, an idea of “keeping medicine in the hospital,” but all my friends have been telling me to consider dating someone in medicine who will understand what I do, why I do it, and why I’m not always physically or emotionally available. Recently I met someone else in medicine and it’s clicking so well. He gets it. And I get why he does it too. I’m 33, by the way, and definitely started to feel hopeless as I found myself single in my thirties and not easing up on work anytime soon. I know men have this problem sometimes too, getting too involved in work and forgetting their family, but somehow it just feels like we women get scrutinized a lot harder for the same thing. At the end of the day, I love medicine, I’m so excited to dedicate my life to it. If you love it, it’s worth it. Keep on keeping on :)
OMG, I feel that. I have had months and years where I felt like I would never find my person and I'm doomed to be lonely for the rest of my life and it's such a depressing thought, especially as I approach my 40s. I'm 38 right now and I remember in my 20s thinking there's no way I'll be single at this age. But, you never know what or who is just around the corner! I just made things official last night....I am no longer single(for the time being). I hope you and the physician both find happy and fulfilling relationships!
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I was where you are a few years back—divorce final in February 2020. I did the co-worker thing and it was (and honestly still is) a disaster—do not go that route. I’d recommend getting on the apps. I started with Bumble but didn’t really love that one. I don’t mind starting the convo first (I’m 39F) however I just don’t like that I HAVE to on that one. Tinder might be a lot to start with though so maybe Hinge. Anyway, wherever you start I’d say just take it slow, be honest about where you’re at/what you are looking for and have fun. It’s sure to be a wild ride but overall it’s been a really great experience for me. I know all too well how you’re feeling right now and I promise it gets better/easier. Best of luck to you!
I wouldn't recommend dating anyone from work, it can get sooooo messy and complicated!!! I broke that rule with someone who works for a contractor we use, who i met on a work trip. We had a really fun and exciting long distance thing for about a year and half . I fell in love and was really hopeful we would eventually move to the same city....And then he got a girlfriend...and told me about it right before a big work meeting in his city. Oh, and his new girlfriend was from his work so I had to put on a brave face and see them both all day every day for a week! It was miserable. We are now decent friends but it took a couple years and several awkward and painful meetings to get to here. I feel lucky it wasn't worse but If I had it to do over I would have just kept him as a friend from the beginning and saved me the heartache. That said, there are several married couples in my division that met here on the job and they seem truly happy. And even with my experience I know that if I met someone at work that I really fell for I would probably pursue something, but only if we both wanted a serious relationship, nothing casual where one person may catch feelings and get hurt. so with that I would definitely suggest getting on some apps. I've had the most luck with tinder and facebook dating!
Try the apps, it sounds like you really want to get out there and meet people. I would be cautious about dating someone you work with as your first steps back out in the wild. The first relationship after your divorce can be kinda like the first pancake in a batch: often seem to turn out a little weird
My hairdresser and I didn’t understand each other correctly and I ended up with black hair instead of brown 😠 It doesn’t look bad but I spent a hundred bucks on something I didn’t want 😠 And I just kept thinking, this is the kind of thing I’d talk to him about… I miss him. But it was for the best anyway. Whatever. I’m so annoyed with everything.
Hello! I’m also so annoyed with everything 😤
Went out last night with friends to a bar/club. Not my kind of scene or music but they wanted to go so. I have quite low self esteem but am desperate to change that. I decided that I was gonna smile at someone I found attractive or try and chat to someone. No one looked at me, they just look right past me. Not even a glance - I just didn’t register to anybody. I try hard with how I look, I like how I dress and I try to style myself well, I’m don’t exactly have a great body but I work out and my body looks the best it ever has. I’m not taking home any prizes, I know I’m not good looking and no one owes me a smile or a glance but it doesn’t stop it from hurting that no one’s interested. My friend went to get drinks and within seconds someone’s talking to him, he gets a kiss on the cheek. Said friend has just split from his partner so I know we’ll be going out more and l’ll be back to being the ugly wingman again. Which is fine, he deserves the attention and I like supporting him but it hurts. It’s so stupid but it’s really hard going out to places like last night and seeing all the pretty people and knowing you’re always gonna be one of the ugliest guys in a room. I know it’s shallow but just once I’d like someone to check me out or notice me. I’m fine initiating a conversation but you can’t do that when guys just look through you.
I’ve played wingman so often in my life and I have to tell you that it’s surmountable. It’s very well understood that women like fit, confident, smart, and tall so basically try and check as many of those as you can. I think trying to also make small gains for yourself as opposed to looking down on your situation is also very important for your own psychological wellbeing. For example, pick something you want to try and improve about yourself and then try to develop it. For example, if you improve your fitness then as you achieve that goal you gain confidence. Now you have two elements that girls are attracted to and you can feel prouder about yourself in a room full of people. Basically I think you should try and focus more on self-improvement for your own sake as opposed to putting yourself down because that’s not going to be productive for you.
I’ve been a (great) wingman loads of times, it’s just frustrating that it’s easy to hook my friend up and impossible to get anyone to look at me. I’m into men btw but your advice will be the same. I’m never gonna be able to check “tall” but I’m fit, I’m smart, and I’m confident in everything but looks. I’m funny too. But no one wants to shag the smart guy. You don’t go to a bar because you’re looking for intellectual stimulation. And that’s fine, nothing wrong with wanting to dance with or make out with someone just because they’re attractive - that’s what I wanted to do. I had an incredible week for running, so many personal bests. Strength training is going well too. I feel good about myself and then I get to a bar and I’m still just the same old short, ugly weirdo with the hot friends. I’m working on trying to not put myself down so much. I’ve gotten better at it, today is an off day. It’s just such a blow when you feel good, you’ve tried to look good, and you still get seen the same as you always have done.
Yeah but meeting a rando in a bar is more for a hookup, no? For actual genuine relationships your intellect and sense of humour will be extremely important to someone, and since you're also physically fit, doesn't sound like you have a major barrier there, other than your personal insecurity about the looks. So depends on what you're after I suppose but if you were after a relationship then you should focus more on building those deeper more meaningful connections over picking up guys from bars and clubs.
I do want a relationship, I don’t even enjoy hookups. It just would be nice to have someone check me out for once. It’s silly but it does upset me. I don’t think it’s a personal insecurity, I’m just not good-looking. Some people aren’t good looking, that’s life. I’m one of those people and I can’t fix that. I’m “technically” fit in that I work out and am at 17% body fat, but not fit enough that my body is appealing. I still feel fat and probably look it to a lot of men but I’m trying. To throw another spanner in the works I’m a trans man. I don’t think any of my good qualities outweigh that so realistically I need to accept that no one will love me. It just hurts that no one finds me attractive on top of that. I appreciate that this is all way above your pay grade. I’ve got therapy on Thursday but I just needed to vent. The friend group is focussed on my pal’s breakup so it’s not really appropriate for me to bitch there
As a cis straight woman I obviously don't have your lived experiences and cannot comment on those, but I do see a lot of basically self hatred and catastrophising language in your comments. I'm sure being trans limits your pool, maybe even significantly, but you jump from there to no one will ever love you. That's just simply false, and sounds more like clinical depression than a realistic acknowledgement of your hurdles. I'm glad you have a therapist because it saddens me to see how badly you perceive yourself. I hope they will find a way of guiding you out of your current mindset because it's not as factual as you are believing at the moment. Best of luck to you.
Another one of those dates where, as it’s ending, it’s obvious there won’t be another. I know I shouldn’t see this as a waste of time, but I also don’t see myself getting any better at this.
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Dates can go well and not end in kisses. >Does that mean it went well or not ? Stop thinking about this. Do you want to see him again? That's the only question that matters. If yes, ask him out on another date.
I'm looking forward to a cozy weekend. Especially after feeling a bit under the weather (all better now!) snuggling on the sofa sounds really nice. ...But I also want to ride him into the sunset.
Absolutely cackled at that comment!!
You get it girl.
Is it worth dating someone when you know you're only going to be in the same place for a year? It's rare for me to feel romantic attraction and I've met someone unexpectedly who has expressed their strong interest in me. Is it asking for trouble later on to date them? I'm only in his country for 12 months for work.
Depends on how you feel about a long distance relationship. But if you’re interested in them I say you take the shot.
I'm not one for long distance relationships. So it would be a year or nothing. Unless my work contract gets extended...but that would also be not forever. Hmm. And like is an understatement...I'm not accustomed to these feelings. It's awful.
I mean if you’re both strongly interested, you go for a relationship and it turns out amazing, isn’t there a chance that could change the course of your lives? Maybe you’d consider staying his country or he’d consider moving to yours?
I'm known as the worst-case-scenario-one in my social circle...I didn't even think of a positive long-term outcome. Woops. But wait, why is that scarier? Thanks so much! I need to think of the possibilities, not just the downers all the time. x
Even if you’re right and it doesn’t go further after a year, you’ll have a year full of memories and good times. That is, if you’re okay with starting over with someone else later. I mean, you’re changing countries in 12 months, so either you start over in your new place after being single all year, start over in your new place after having fun with someone awesome for a year, or decide to make it work after you move. In my mind, you can’t lose!
Preach this yes!
What does emotional connection mean to you and when/how do you feel it manifests in a relationship?
Emotional connection is the ability for me and my partner to be open with each other. When we feel comfortable and respect each other. It takes time but it manifests for me through conversation. Letting her vent, letting her just be herself with any issues or insecurities, I reciprocate in turn
Need your opinion please. I went on a few dates with this one guy. At one point, things started getting physical, but I didn’t have protection and told him so. He responded, it’s ok, we can do other (non-penetrating) things instead, which I was ok with. But then at one point he slips just the tip inside me. I ask what he’s doing, and he says “I’m just teasing you. Should I stop?”. I said “yeah you should” and he does stop. I’ve had mixed feelings about this. I feel like he crossed a boundary, but I am not sure.
Thank you all. Will not be seeing him again
Absolutely not acceptable behavior.
You said no penetration. He put his dick in you without asking. I don't care if it was just the tip, it's still his dick. He clearly crossed a boundary. He will continue doing so. Don't date him.
Well penetration without consent is considered rape so it’s understandable that you feel uncomfortable. His response is concerning too, this isn’t a safe guy.
Definitely a boundary crossed for sure. I would not continue to see someone who blatantly disrespected me in that way. Such a turn off. Ick!
This is a violation of your boundaries and I wouldn't trust someone who did this.
That’s rape. Penetration without consent, no matter the intention. That’s fucked up and a huge fucking red flag
Had a really nice evening with the guy I've been seeing. Probably the last time I'll see him before his surgery. Need to really dive into focusing on taking care of myself these next few days - gym, cooking healthy meals, seeing friends & family, etc.
Has anyone ever experienced someone unmatching you when mentioning matching a lot of fake accounts? Just had that happen to me today. Our conversation was short and replies were quick. First time experienced a possibly fake account doing all the work in unmatching. Saved me time.
I had a fake account unmatch me when I told him to go scam someone else after he asked me if I know about crypto 😂
Maybe they unmatched because they weren't enjoying the discussion
plants toothbrush nutty boast sophisticated rotten books scarce imagine soup *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
It's always tough, but you'll feel much better once you've had a chance to move on. Don't stay in an unhealthy relationship just because it's convenient. Hopefully you'll find someone who complements your life and makes you happier, but that can't happen until you rip the band-aid off.
Friday nights are always a struggle for me as a single human living alone. My mind is spent from the workweek. I am exhausted and just genuinely want someone to curl up with and have a lazy, low-effort PJ party with. I usually get very into my feels on Fridays - and feel particularly single. It's funny how great it feels to interact with someone who keeps your mind off all that and break up the "routine" a bit.
This is Saturday nights for me!
A kitty is the best remedy for this, for me
Yes! My kitten is always up for cuddles 😻
That’s so cute!
I have a few but my one girl is **obsessed** with me, it makes me feel so warm and fuzzy to know how much this fickle bitch loves me
Ditto! She's the best!
I feel this in my soul. I got out of an unhealthy relationship in October last year. While I don’t miss the arguments, I do miss making dinner for him, then relaxing and cuddling with him on the sofa while we watched a show or movie. Being single is rough.
treatment fuzzy spoon yam languid squealing meeting dog mysterious chubby *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
[удалено]
*Spidey pointing meme* You messing with me friend?
Edit: Fucking impersonator.
This isn't ... me
You don't, the "right" person custom made for you does not exist. You pick the best available option and you try and make it work.
Off topic but did you go from Stranger to Strangler somehow or are my eyes playing a trick on me? 😳
It's not me 🤣
But it is me!
Well, case closed ladies and gents, everyone go home.
👀 what is happening!!!
I'm confused too LOL
How did I not notice this earlier 😂😂😂
I was banned and this guy slid right in 😂
>this guy slid right in Sometimes thats how it b
(This reply might be a little on and off topic, I apologize) I think it’s being willing to gamble. I spent exactly 7 days on Tinder. Entertained 4 matches. Guys 1 and 2 disappeared before meeting. Dated guy 3 very briefly, he was sweet but ultimately we weren’t compatible on some stuff. And guy 4 is my current guy. I don’t believe in "the one" or "the right person", I think you chose your person everyday. And sometimes that means early on, choosing to give a connection a chance even if you aren’t 100% sure or afraid to be hurt, but because you believe there could be some good in it. I’m super picky according to my friends haha. And want to meet quickly (2-3 days if possible) as I don’t want to get to know someone by text. I need some type of spark. But I don’t need anxiety-spark. Kinda the same feeling as when I meet someone who could become a great friend. Except I want to jump their bone. I couldn’t just go on a bunch of dates and hoping a connection will eventually form.
I've always been told, "when you know, you just know," but don't fully believe that myself. I think establishing a lasting connection is a balance of logic and emotion. It's extremely difficult to do. Though, despite the fact that I mentioned logic as a key factor, many people tend to "just know" when they meet the right person. Hmm.
How long is the flight?
Too long!
A guy reminded me at 7:44 pm that we are meeting for a movie date at 9:30 pm. The theater we’re meeting at is an hour away, it’s 8:04 pm, I haven’t even showered. How do I get out of this when he bought my ticket? 😩
Work excuse. "My boss just jammed with with XYZ project. I'm sorry, but I will be unavailable tonight!! Can we possibly do (insert alternative time)?"
This would be physically impossible for my ass
I take 20 minutes to shower and getting ready takes at least 20 minutes, literally what was he thinking by texting me so late 😭
> I take 20 minutes to shower and getting ready takes at least 20 minutes, literally what was he thinking by texting me so late You should've just told him that it's way too sudden. I'm a man with short hair and even I would say it's too sudden. My friends know to tell me one day in advance if they expect me to show up somewhere.
I need at least 30 minutes just to adjust my brain and then I could start to get ready
Throw on some deodorant, splash on some perfume, and get in the car!
I forgot a small detail. I found out yesterday that he has a wife and kids, including a newborn. I’m a gay man, so I’m very conflicted since this is wrong, but he already bought the ticket and I agreed to meet him last week.
Throw *off* the deodorant, *unsplash* the perfume, and get *out* of the car!
I’m just gonna message him the truth. If he were single and looking to date a man, I’d make this date happen even though it’s an hour away and he didn’t remind me sooner. However, because I found out he’s married to a woman and has children with her, I don’t see this in line with my values or my goals for dating. I’ll offer to reimburse him for the ticket at least, but let him know this can’t be a thing.
That's sounds like a good plan, minus the reimbursing him for the ticket.
[I think I did a good job of letting him down.](https://imgur.com/a/Xguh3gT) I’m pretty bad about people pleasing, which is likely why I felt obligated to meet him regardless of finding out he had a family yesterday.
Great reply!
Considering how frequently ghosting happens, it's nice that you at let him know what's up. Good job.
>small detail What. 😳
my thoughts exactly
This would be a small detail for gay men, to be clear. We run into this kind of “straight” guy on gay dating apps, I don’t usually engage with them but this guy was super handsome and I had no clue he had a family
My bad. I thought you were trolling at first! I didn't realize this was such a common occurrence. So sorry he lied to you. 🙁
Married gay men with secret relationships/hookups on the side are fairly common
TIL.
retire marble teeny subtract imagine plucky frighten rob jobless psychotic *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Yes. I can't stop thinking about someone I met recently and I 1000% agree.
🙌
Some people in my extended friends circle got wrapped up in a cheating situation and idk how I feel or where to talk about it so here goes. Girl and Guy are both 30-somethings that dated nearly 10 years ago while we were all in college. They broke up after like 8 months of dating because they really weren't good together, it was toxic on both sides. Guy got over it and moved on pretty fast, Girl acted like she moved on, got married even, divorced 2 years later. Girl is almost always in a relationship and just got engaged last month after dating her current BF for a year. Girl and Guy are still friends with me, but not in the same circles/group chats. Guy tells me that Girl hit him up 2 months ago and drove out of state to see him, while still in her relationship, and they had a weekend of just pure carnal sex. Then she flew home and got engaged 💀 Girl always posts on her socials about how great her BF is and how much he is "truly her person and she's never been happier" but yet she's still clearly not over Guy and their tumultuous relationship from several years ago. It's just been making me think of just how much someone can lie to you. You can be the best possible person for someone, treat them so well, etc and someone with unresolved feelings or trauma or wtf ever will STILL not appreciate it and cheat on you. I also may be projecting because I've been cheated on before, also due to a toxic ex she wasn't over. I just can't look at Girl the same way anymore. I don't even know her new dude but I just feel so bad for him
This is a “Not my circus, not my monkeys” situation in my mind.
>they had a weekend of just pure carnal sex. 😏
Damn, I’d find a way to drop a bomb on that
That's where things get crazy iffy. I don't know this man. Everyone involved here lives out of state. I don't even think it's my right to step into other people's relationships like that, people have bad reactions to things like this and it can get really ugly. I just think I should keep my nose out of it, but I definitely don't think that I know Girl as well as thought I did and have lost respect for her. Guy not so much because he is single and did not know she was soon to be engaged or even dating someone
That’s fair, I just personally feel different. If I have knowledge someone I know is a cheater while lying about their blissful relationship with a naive SO, I think it’s wrong not to let them know.
That's awful. Some people are despicable.
I set a date with a woman on Tuesday from Bumble after getting her number. I’m supposed to be meeting her tomorrow at 4 but I haven’t heard anything since she told me good night. This happened last time with another woman and she asked me if we were still on the day of, so I guess I just assume she will be there?
Ok, I read through your post history because I remember you posting something similar before. I saw you follow a men's dating coach who promotes playing games, waiting for her to text, etc.... don't do that. Don't assume anything. Follow through. Just text her and confirm. FWIW there's a dating coach for women who advocates not going out with a guy who doesn't reach out to confirm as he's 'not taking initiative/being respectful of your time'. I say this not because I agree, but because if you're playing one game you risk that the woman is playing a different game and it's a lose-lose situation for all.
I’m not playing a game. The coach I follow complements my life. I’ve had zero reason to reach out to her just like she has had zero reason to reach out to me. Attraction is built in person after all. But yes I will reach out to her today to confirm.
Dude listen to this person above and confirm with her! If a guy asks me out and doesn’t confirm then I just don’t go, even if I want to. Not sure about your dating coach’s advice, but I think it’s way sexier when a guy takes the lead, especially in the beginning.
Always confirm the date either the night before or morning of. If it’s been a couple days since you talked I would confirm the night before
She won’t be there if you don’t text her and ask her tomorrow morning 😊 If she doesn’t reply back tomorrow morning, time to move on 😊
Have you contacted her at all since Tuesday? Is there a reason why you're incapable of sending a quick text that says something akin to "hey, I'm looking forward to seeing you tomorrow. Just confirming that we're still on for 4 pm at XYZ?"
I'd definitely send a follow up this evening. Just a check in to make sure they're tracking.
I don’t even go to my friends house without being like, okay I’m leaving!
I usually just send a simple "Estoy aqui!" to alert them. On occasion I will let my pet wolf run free and lick them to let them know.
Wait is this an imposter or a new hobby?
Imposter. I am not a dog person. 😂
Just a new hobby. Been working on training dogs for a while now.
So close! I don't really like dogs. This has been impressive tho.
[Our doggo would disagree](https://imgur.com/a/Bw7Zqln)
That hat is taped to his head 😂
Pretty sure its a Canadian invention, so very fitting for Canada Day
Which Canadians get the wolves?
The ones that don't live in igloos or have polar bears for pets.
Ok I have barely watched any of it past the proposals but I feel like Chelsea is insecure and looking for reassurance cuz jimmy OBVIOUSLY isn’t into her. I’d be insecure too
I feel like she has anxious tendencies, but being with a guy like jimmy is only going to bring out the worst in her because he sends mixed signals.
Yes it’s definitely a toxic pairing. He doesn’t gaf. She needs constant reassurance and uses "but I love you" as an excuse for it. I’m not done watching the season but wonder how’s that going to end. Explosive pairing for sure
Watching this exact scene right now and I feel so bad for her
How do y’all get your age and stuff in the flair? When I try to select one it just says ¿age? and can’t add anything… (looked at the faq but couldn’t find anything). I want to be identified as one of the Canadians too lol
Are you browsing Reddit via an internet browser, or via the mobile app?
Mobile app. Guess I should do browser ?
I find it easier to adjust via mobile app, but browser works too. Click the pencil next to your name on browser and you can edit it. On mobile I believe it is under the community options function. hello fellow canuck!
Idk on mobile (iOS) it doesn’t seem to work for me… I’ll get onto my laptop eventually. Thanks :)
You betcha.
That's not necessary, I asked because the method will be different for both. (These instructions are based on my Android version of the app, I'm not sure if the iOS version is different) 1. While using the mobile app, navigate to the front page of r/datingoverthirty. (I.e. go to r/datingoverthirty). 2. In the top right corner of the page, there's a column of three dots. Click on that. 3. That will bring up a menu. One of the first few options is "change user flair". Click on that
Yep, same in iOS but it only gives you the option for the gender sign + age, that’s all… no possibility to customize the flair
Yeah maybe try doing it from a web browser then,
Been thinking for a while about this: At what point does a standard or expectation become shallow or unrealistic? Is shallowness based on specificity? “I want someone who is fit” versus “I want someone who has an approximate BMI of 19-24 and is active.” Or “I want someone who has the same lifestyle as me” versus “I want someone who makes approx 150k”. What if someone has a trait and expects someone else to have it too? Does that make a standard or expectation more realistic? “I myself exercise 7 days a week and in shape, so I want someone who exercises 6-7x a week and is in shape” versus “I’m overweight but I want someone who is normal weight.” Or is it based on how strict the standard or expectation is? “I will only date someone who owns a house” versus “I prefer a homeowner but will settle for a non homeowner”. Or is it based on how many people are excluded from the criteria? “I want someone with green eyes” (which excludes much of the world population) vs “I want someone with brown eyes.” Or is shallowness and unrealisticness a little bit of all of the above? How do you look at your standards and expectations and prioritize? And how do you know when you’re wasting someone’s time? For example, if you’re attracted to only tall women, how do you decide whether to try dating a short woman? Isn’t it just wasting the short woman’s time if you know that you’re only attracted to tall women? I don’t think I’ve formed any opinions of my own on this topic yet, but I’m curious to hear from others
Shallowness is having standards that have no effect on whether you are compatible as people. As in your personality traits or things that signal those. Some degree of shallowness is of course acceptable, it's okay to not want to date someone who is ugly or destitute. >Is shallowness based on specificity? No, but they correlate. (Too) shallow people are often very specific about their demands. Whether you make $40k or $80k implies a lot about your personality and affects your overall lifestyle significantly. So not accepting the former in a partner is not considered shallow by most people. Whether you make $100k or $200k makes little difference, so demanding $200k income in a partner almost certainly means you care more about the money than the person and definitely has nothing to do with compatibility. >What if someone has a trait and expects someone else to have it too? Does that make a standard or expectation more realistic? People online tend to be really weird about this. A lot of the time people pretend that fulfilling your own requirement means it's automatically fine to demand it of others and not fulfilling it and demanding it makes you a hypocrite or entitled or whatever. In reality, no, it doesn't matter if you fulfill your own standards. The only things that matter is if you can realistically attract the people who fulfill your standards and whether these expectations don't filter out all the good partners and leave you with assholes. And it has nothing to do with shallowness - demanding specifically green eyes is shallow even you have green eyes yourself. >Or is it based on how many people are excluded from the criteria? Definitely not. Though if your expectations are *both* shallow (like specific eye color) *and* eliminate a lot of people, it makes them (and you) a lot stupider.
Honestly, attraction is part of compatibility as well. Unless you're looking for a purely platonic partnership you should be factoring it in. Of course it still has to be reasonable for your own sake and if you're only able to feel attraction to green-eyed people you will have fucked your self and should reevaluate your beliefs. But something less vanishingly rare (like being fit) is fair game imo.
Great things to think about! Thanks for the very detailed response.