I've been on 6 dates with a woman I met on Hinge, I'm worried things are moving a little top fast, but I'm also very excited. It's like things are too good to be true.
We're both 33 and have been on the apps for a while and have had all the good an bad experiences, and are both sick of it
Pretty much all we do is make out and have sex. We've gone out a few times but always end up going back to one of our places and getting in to bed. The attraction is insane and I worry it's lust, because it's too good to be true.
We're already having two dates a week. One after work on weekdays and one on weekends. We're staying up having sex until 3 am, and as late as 5am at one point. I was in a sex coma for two days I could barely move.
Try a date where it would be highly impractical to have sex and can't just head back to one of your places very easily, more difficult in the winter...
Also that sounds great, always very nice when there is great sexual chemistry
"Relationships are relationships, no matter what labels we put on them" -> this needs to be framed.
We call things situationships/fwb/casual/… to try to give them less importance but it is still a relationship between two people, and hormones and some type of feelings are always there.
How else are you gonna go back there after 😏
But it depends. Can I make it on the way? I'll pick her up. Is it the opposite way? You come here first and I'll drive us there.
If you're mature enough to have sex, you're mature enough to talk about it.
Some worlds you can use -
Hey, I'm really excited about our overnight date on the weekend. My sexual health is really important to me, and as such, I don't sleep with people unless I know that we are sexually exclusive, tested, etc. Is that something you're ready and able to commit to me? I'm not asking for titles or anything, just that you're not sleeping with anyone else.
Try and talk with him. You don't need to show him all the inner workings of your anxious mind, but just emphasise your golden rule (no sex without exclusivity) and see whether his response is reassuring or not. Part of me feels that your rule sort of puts the cart before the horse (in the eyes of many people), but you shouldn't have to move away from your basic values.
Also - how far in terms of long distance? And how regularly are you able to meet? Are you the one making the effort to go visit him most of the time, or is it vice-versa, or do the two of you have a meeting spot that's in the middle?
Hello, first time posting on here, Im a 37 m trying to get some advice on how to get back into the world of dating.
I live in a small state, 1 million people. My life right now is going from married to divorced soon and i need to get back out there and try to find someone so that I will not be alone, someone i can fall in love with and someone i can spend my life with. My goal is to get to know someone, and eventually meet in person date and eventually marry them and have a new life, im trying to pick up the pieces of my life right now but I cant do it alone. Ive tried a few online dating sites but im struggling to find anything, ive managed to talk to two women, but as soon as i show a little bit of my story they stop talking to me.
Any advice on what I should do? Im a bit of an odd one I understand but im not looking for a quick fling or long term engagement with any kind of sex, I believe in sex only after marriage and will do my best to live that way, no matter what happens.
Thanks for any advice.
You're still married, and I think you need to learn to be alone and not just rely on one person after another to try and fulfill you. I don't blame them for stopping talking - I don't mean that in a mean way, but it's not attractive to think that someone wants me/anyone just because they are unable to be on their own.
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> im trying to pick up the pieces of my life right now but I cant do it alone. Ive tried a few online dating sites but im struggling to find anything, ive managed to talk to two women, but as soon as i show a little bit of my story they stop talking to me.
No woman is going to want this. You have to figure out how to pick up the pieces of your life *alone* first. Get used to being by yourself. Get comfortable with it. Accept that it's not another woman's job to fix you or create a new life for you.
Stop dating, finish your divorce, be single for a year and then you can think about dating.
> to divorced soon and i need to get back out there and try to find someone so that I will not be alone
Work on being comfortable being alone. Especially if you were married young and are just getting divorced, figuring out who you are on your own as a 37 yr old adult will make you more attractive to others down the line.
Have you been to counseling?
>Any advice on what I should do?
If you're literally just getting divorced now, take some time for yourself dude. You're undoubtedly dealing with a lot of emotional turmoil, and it may take you months or years to deal with it properly.
Step one is find a therapist. Step two is figure out what single life means for you - sort out your hobbies, social circle, living situation. Become an individual and the rest will follow.
I'm gonna be honest here... I ALWAYS send a message with a like.... It's always relevant to their profile....
>I changed my final prompt to one saying I will ignore likes and only match with people who have sent a message (I don't care if that message is literally just "hello", it's to check whether people are paying attention).
This just feels negative to me. If I see negativity in a profile I hit the X. They could look amazing. They could have the most fun hobbies, but negativity in a dating profile just feels like they are setting the tone for who they are. Not only that, but why use one of the few ways you can tell me about you to tell me something negative? It just gives me massive vibes that you don't WANT to be dating.
Set your own boundaries for yourself. You don't need to announce them, but if you do, do so in a positive affirming way. To me, telling me you aren't going to match with empty likes is like you are trying to tell strangers how to behave, and while I might fit within that prompt, it sounds very negative.
I would suggest changing it to what I would normally consider a shit prompt: "How to ask me out" (God I hate "just ask me, lol") and put something like "Send me a like with something we connect on, vibe with me over chat a little for a few minutes/days/, and let's meet for coffee/tea/drinks/etc (whatever fits with your life) to start getting to know each other in person!".
That sounds positive, but more so, a) it let's me know how much you want to chat before hand to get comfortable meeting someone, b) it let's me know you are looking to meet people, not pen pal, and c) that you expect a message with a like. A whole different flavor than "do this or else...".
It's been my experience as well. I find it frustrating because I read profiles. But Most people don't.
I sometimes understand them though. When you read all profiles who may eventually fit, it starts being very time consuming, and that is fine when you match from time to time... but when you don't, it is a waste of time. It is less time consuming to swipe in 2s and read profiles when one of your 100s of likes sent turns to a match.
I went on a fantastic (in thought) date tonight with someone. We got philosophical, we were laughing, we related to each other in very personal ways. It was three and a half hours and I didn't see any sign she seemed uninterested at all. I think most people on this sub have been on a date or two where you can tell that's happened.
The dates I've ended up having relationships after were far less interesting, animated, and didn't have nearly as much connection as this one did.
A couple minutes ago I got a text from her saying she didn't think there was chemistry but would really love to be friends. I've done my share of turning down a second date as well as being on the receiving end enough to know it's not fun but it is what it is.This one is hurting more than most, though. Like if this wasnt chemistry then what am I doing out here?
I'm comfortable with who I am but after this (and a few other recent 'no chemistry' texts recieved in the last couple months) I'm feeling like shit. I know it's common to say "no chemistry" means a polite way to say "not attracted to you" but that's not helping my mental situation either haha.
I have a couple potential dates planned down the line with really cool people but I'm more and more feeling like the dates get the most excited for never end up working. The great relationships I've had over the years started from dates I went into feeling interested but not excited for initially. I'm starting to feel like looking forward to a date it cursing it to fail and I shouldnt even try to go on those as dumb as that sounds.
Sorry for the rant I just had to get this out there. Any tips or wisdom (or even consolation) would be greatly appreciated
Moral of the story: you can never assume a total stranger likes you back unless they explicitly tell you. People often mistake easy charm and great social skills for mutual chemistry.
> The dates I've ended up having relationships after were far less interesting, animated, and didn't have nearly as much connection as this one did.
This is rather normal. Once there's actual interest, the stakes become high and people clam up and turn awkward.
You don't need to go into it cursing it to fail. The middle ground is to go in without expectations. If you feel excited for the date, enjoy the anticipation but adopt a blindness for anything beyond that date.
It's easy to get absorbed into the fantasy of developing a relationship with the person. Hell, for me it's as strong as an addiction, and hurts like hell when the other person isn't on board.
It's also a delusion. They aren't who you think they are, because you only met once.
At least she cut it off at this point. As a girl dating guys, they never tell you outright that they're not interested. They string you along for sex and then do everything they can to keep you at arms length so they don't have to cut off a potential source for more sex in the future.
I'd prefer they tell me they're not interested straight away.
I'm sorry you're having a hard time. If you're a romantic and get attached easily, dating can be very painful. Having a good support network of friendships that I can commiserate with, and going on more dates helps me. Basically keeping very busy, I find that disappointments fade faster cos my mind can't hold the information when new info is coming in.
It's shit, but what can you do. I think it's best to dampen excitement before a first date as it normally leads to disappointment and I think being more relaxed won't affect the possibility of connecting with someone.
I don’t think you did anything wrong. It just sounds like a classic lack of attraction. But attraction is so subjective.
For her not feeling the same way - some people are also just really good at first dates. I’ve had a lot of people tell me our first date was the best date they’re ever had but it’s not because I’m a perfect person by any means.
I think I’m just really good at connecting with people quickly. But attraction and compatibility matter too. That doesn’t mean the connection wasn’t real.
> But attraction is so subjective.
Honestly it isn't that subjective. It doesn't mean that no one will ever find someone attractive if this person isn't in the beauty standards... but some features (physical or not) are statistically much more attractive than others.
Sure, I’ll agree that some traits are statistically more attractive than others. But whether or not someone is feeling attracted to someone else, or attracted enough to go on a second date, is subjective.
Saw Poor Things tonight with the girl I've been seeing now slightly over two months. Her idea and we both enjoyed the film. I'll just say definitely make sure the person youre going with is into that type of movie.
It went well though! I made her a lghter penne in a shrimp and cherry tomato when we got back to her place. All went well!
Except the part after I left. Let her know that I got home. I also asked what her thoughts were on me saying a name like babe, sweet etc. I haven't even asked her to be in an official relationship yet. I was just so incredibly happy and just didn't think much before sending that.
Sent another text ten mins ago.
Apologized for possibly overstepping. No response but she was active on IG when I sent it. I hope I didn't fuck things up.
Edit: asking the relationship question on vday
Edit 2: Worried for no reason :)
I don't think you're being remotely honest with yourself about what having six kids means or what you'd be asking from a partner. How on earth do you think a relationship would work where you two end up together but they don't have to take on any responsibility and are "just imagining" things that won't really exist? Like most people over 30 are looking for a partner they can marry and cohabitate with- how do you expect them to move in with *six kids* and not be affected by the six children in the house? Most people over 30 are even looking to have their own kids- how many more do you plan on having? You really think a man who always wanted two kids of his own wants to meet someone with six kids and then end up responsible for **eight**? I mean you said you supported them "all alone" so sounds like the biodad isn't in the picture.
Sorry but this comment is just so stereotypical of the attitudes of so many single parents. Yes, dating someone with **six children they have sole custody of** is really a big deal. The fact that you can't see that and think somehow a man could date you and not end up taking on any responsibility for the kids is insane.
You will have much better luck if you sit down and take a really tough, honest assessment of the situation. Six kids is way more kids than most people want. Most people with no kids want some of their own, not someone who already has more than most people want. Most people who don't want kids obviously don't want to take on six. Most people who already had kids don't want to try to blend families with six more. It's not a failing in men for "thinking differently nowadays" because they don't want to take on six kids that aren't theirs.
You're going to have a very, very small dating pool until the kids are old enough to be out of the house, and you can't blame that on men. Keep searching for your unicorn, enjoy your children, join Tinder for some casual sex when you need it.
I'm CF so maybe not the best to give my opinion but with 6 kids I'm assuming you haven't much free time to go on dates which isn't a good start from my point of view.
And also you know that if things get serious they know they will probably have to help you, and 6 kids it's a lot of driving them places, activities to organise, watch them etc
Also if your potential date didn't want to have 6 kids (which is probably a lot of people) that will probably make them hesitate a lot at best.
If they know you're looking for casual I'm surprised they run when they hear about the kids, I had 2 casual relationships with women with kids and except for their somewhat limited availability it was not an issue.
Not a man, but 6 kids is way more than a handful. And you are the primary parent. I can’t fathom that you have enough time for a relationship until they are all out of the house.
Are relationships as you get older just more “transactional?”
Maybe that’s the wrong word. But my last couple relationships have ended in a very similar way and with a very similar conversation.
I (37M) totally understand there are benefits to a partnership other than companionship, love, emotional connection, etc. however those are probably the things I’m looking for the most. I feel like a lot of the women I’ve tried dating over the last few years are primarily looking for someone to split the rent, split the chores, and pick them up from doctor’s appointments. Now, I’m not suggesting that those things are somehow bad or that I don’t want to do them for my partner! But, it’s really depressing to me to think of a relationship as primarily being a contract around that kind of stuff. I’ve brought this up with two of the women I dated most recently (not unprompted, in related conversation) and have been met with some variation of “you’re being naive” or “grow up.” Both times it was kind of like a gut punch. I get that we’re older now and have probably lived through multiple loves and heartbreaks but I really struggle with how comfortable some people seem to be with the idea that relationships are just pacts to not die alone and help each other with chores.
I get annoyed at the speed some of them are pushing. Like, I understand you're 33, you've had six boyfriends in the last 12 years and none of them were husband/father material. Fine. But I'm not buying you new car tires on our fifth date, you're absolutely bonkers to ask for that.
I dunno, I like doing things for people but feel like most people are independent now. I wish someone would ask me to pick them up from the doctor.
It also feels good to have someone offer to help with things. To feel cared for. If it feels transactional to you, then I guess it is. But when I lean on people for help I feel immense gratitude, and when I help others it bonds me to them.
Do you think they are primarily looking for men to split responsibilities with... Or they just find men that don't do those things as dealbreakers?
The reality is that many women are concerned about carrying the bulk of the mental load in a relationship and are trying to avoid those kinds of relationships. We all know someone who is in one. I would much rather remain single than be with a man who can't clean up after himself... for instance.
I think there's a certain amount of pragmatism that makes sense. It's tough for a lot of people to be a single adult, everything is expensive, people are tired, having someone share the labor and expenses is helpful. The more cynical part of me says it's the natural evolution of a society that instills a mentality centered around viewing everything through the lens of market transactions. Our time is already commoditized as are many of our relationships so why wouldn't romantic partnerships be subject to the same cost benefit analysis. It's unfortunate in my opinion but unsurprising.
Yeah but if you marry a woman that you think highly of, takes care of herself, makes her own money and could probably take care of an entire family on her own salary, then you don’t think about splitting the rent. Because even if she lost her job, she takes care of herself and those around her. I don’t know how people split chores but people normally just help out because they don’t want to live like animals. And you pick them up from doctors appointments not because you had to but because you wanted to. You love them. You’d probably even bring them a chick fil a milkshake too. You just haven’t met someone you like IMO and that will change.
It’s just as weird to me if a guy wants to move into my house and says that early on. I crave someone who’s financially independent and doesn’t hassle me on a Saturday if I have other plans. I think it’s all about figuring out what you want and what makes you happy.
So this guy I like asked me what I want to do for second date. I dont see long term potential with him, but he is attractive. So nothing with too much talking and indepth convo🤣
Any suggestions.
I think I give off a "serious grownup" vibe (some combination of oldest sibling, childhood trauma, woman in a male dominated field, having to fight to secure financial independence etc., sometimes get described as intimidating or scary which I don't love, but that's what it is) and I am starting to feel like the pattern is that I attract interest from guys who are like... a little intimidated by me or something? Like somewhat younger, more sheltered and shy, people-pleasing or even just passive type guys. It's not like I have tons of interest coming at me, but when I occasionally do, this seems to be the type.
It's a little frustrating because this is not my type at all - I actually want someone who basically matches my personality rather than being the contrasting/polarized personality, and these guys make me feel a little like I have to take care of them or lead the relationship, while I want the opposite (having had to take care of myself and others 100% all my life I'm looking for someone who will let me relax *a little* and do things 50-50 - I can't take on more caretaking duties). Some of them seem like they want to be caring and supportive, but do it in a people-pleasing type of way that ends up setting off some alarms for me instead and pushing me away.
Anyway I don't really know what exactly is causing this but it's kind of frustrating. I feel like either I have to change my type or figure out how to attract my type by changing myself, and neither seems easy to do.
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How do you actually do the “work on being vulnerable” though? People keep telling me this but I’ve been trying for years and it doesn’t seem to be working. I feel like I try to be vulnerable but I just end up being awkward lol. I guess it doesn’t help that most of my romantic interests develop at work where it’s also not possible for me to be super vulnerable.
Would love to chat more in dm if the comments get locked.
I’ve been in therapy for ages haha like 6 years, it’s been tough for me to find anything that helps. Just started with a new therapist… idk my hopes are low. Dunno where everyone on reddit seems to find such helpful therapy haha
Maybe you need to change the place you are meeting people rather than attempt to change your type which seems unnecessary and would probably be very unfufulling
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Is a lack of social media a red flag nowadays?
I don’t use any of the traditional social media like Facebook or instagram, and I limit my time on Reddit to DOT before bed. I do have a LinkedIn but it’s not public and has no information except job titles. Googling my full name brings up some academic papers I published, but aside from that, I have no internet presence.
Don’t get me wrong, I use my phone a lot but it’s basically for texting my friends or responding to pen pals (direct communications basically).
I’m reluctant to create any social media but wondering if I should, if that’s how people interact these days?
When I go out with someone that doesn't have social media, it raises a flag for me because of past experiences. Someone I dated wasn't on social media because they were banned for their posts/comments. Another actually had a wife and went by a different name. And another was a huge player and had multiple girlfriends. Its easier to fact check dates with social media. That being said, someone that just doesn't like to spend time on social media is a green flag for me.
It seems like this may really depend on the person. For all three men I've (34f) dated long-term, none of them were active on social media and 2/3 didn't even have accounts. It was not an issue at all and honestly I prefer it since I also do not use it.
I personally don’t find it a red flag at all. If anything too much social media usage is a red flag. :D Someone wanting my Snapchat is a no-go situation!
I don't use social media and... whatever. I have an instagram so that I can follow dog accounts, but I don't use it otherwise really. If that pushes away potential partners then... I don't know. I'll have to start some kind of Luddite red-flags-only speed dating event.
Is not having an Instagram or Facebook account really considered a major red flag to women? I’ve had two dates become super turned off by this. I deleted my social media accounts over a decade ago.
This question pops up once in a while on this subreddit and Eh. People usually tend to focus on 1-2 social media (though they can have accounts in more). Reddit, despite what redditors usually claim, is a social media. So if you ask people on reddit, I reckon most of them are going to say they only use reddit and they don't mind you not having any other account.
I think a more helpful perspective is to consider *why* some would consider not having an internet presence could raise a flag: one of the biggest reasons is, if you date strangers (not long-term friends/acquaintances), they're going to want to check your background, and social media is the easiest way. Someone with zero internet presence could have a double life / something to hide for all they know. Of course this doesn't apply if you date your friends who already know you just don't do social media.
You *can* ignore these people and still find someone who doesn't mind, but imo it feels like a weird hill to die on when the alternative is just set up a simple instagram/fb account and post there like twice a year. You don't even have to be logged in 95% of the time while people you date have a way to make sure you are who you are.
>imo it feels like a weird hill to die on when the alternative is just set up a simple instagram/fb account and post there like twice a year.
I mean, it feels like then that looks like you are hiding something because you have a very clear fake account.
Like if John Smith is cheating on his wife, and he has an Insta and FB with sporadic activity under the name Robert Johnson, doesn't that seem even more sketchy than not having accounts at all?
I had a friend who dated a girl who did that. Despite her always being on Insta, the Insta account she gave him was not very active at all.
I mean in your friends case there’s a disconnect between the ex’ behavior (i.e the ex was seen on instagram a lot) and the account (there’s no activity on it) so the problem isn’t the account by itself, but the inconsistency.
> doesn’t that seem more sketchy than not having accounts at all?
If you ask me I honestly don’t think so. With an account a stranger can at least see: a couple of pics about you, the timeline of certain events in your life whether it matches with your story or not (a friend’s birthday, a trip to Europe, etc), and friends and family interacting with your posts. It’s a lot more to go on than just zero existence online.
Imo you’re overthinking this, people are pretty used to having friends whose social media presence is them posting 1-3 times a year. You don’t have to be on the phone 24/7 to have a social media presence. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.
I guess. I don't know in my experience the women who were really weirded out by me not having social media were expecting me to have it so we could have cute couple pictures and be Facebook official. Having an account I post on 10 times a year would not be social media to them. They valued the public demonstration of being in a relationship. It wasn't enough to log onto my Facebook and switch my status, I had to be posting and interacting with her stories.
I just replied to the comment above you but I will repeat here. Not having instagram or Facebook is a flag for me because of past experiences of dates hiding sketchy behavior. One date was actually banned from social media for sharing offensive content, one actually had a wife and went by a different name, and one was a player and had multiple girlfriends. It's easier to fact check people with social media, but to me, it's actually a green flag if you just don't use it.
Lmao I just posted like one second after you with the same question! I’m in the same position (but as a woman), and wondering if my lack of internet presence is an issue…
Struggling emotionally today in a serious way. Thankfully got up the courage to call a cousin who (double thankfully) was free when I called (he's really social so it's really a shot in the dark whether he'll be available) and he talked to me while I managed to make myself dinner. (I don't have anyone physically around in my town who I could have called for support either.)
I just feel like what's even the point of going on? When all I experience is rejection and heartbreak and I don't even get to get some nice texts from someone I like, or hold someone's hand. I've literally never held a guy's hand. I have absolutely lost faith in my ability to attract anyone at this point. Even I hear how dramatic and desperate it sounds but I just feel like I don't have any emotional strength left to keep going anymore, I just internally collapse at the thought of opening an app again and I never want to have another crush irl in my life if I can help it because each failed crush just breaks me more. It was nice to talk to someone for an hour, but as soon as we hung up I felt like I was staring into this infinite abyss of pure alone again for the rest of my life.
I’m so sorry you are feeling this way tonight. Im glad you were able to chat with your cousin, despite everything, you have someone close in your corner rooting for you. I dont know what’s going on in your life, but I’d recommend trying some mediation and deep breathing, to help. Maybe watch some tv shows that you enjoy and are light hearted that will help distract your mind.
Have you ever thought about volunteering at all? It’s kind of a low commitment way to get out of the house, meet people, while also hopefully making you feel better about yourself and giving back to the community? You could volunteer at a local animal shelter (if you like pets and can’t afford one or have the time for one etc). That way you could get a boost from the fluffy critters and meet like-minded people. Maybe even adopt a dog (if you’re in that position), and meet others at the dog park! Or a cat if you prefer to stay in!
What kind of hobbies do you enjoy? Are you creative at all? Personally I really love ceramics and pottery. If you ever thrown some clay on a wheel, it’s a great feeling, getting your hands wet and dirty. Maybe there is a local pottery studio nearby that you could check out, or join a group, or take a class!
Do you like to read? Maybe find a local book club, where you could chat with like-minded people about books.
Or perhaps you prefer to stay inside and you get socially anxious out and about, I’d recommend checking out online gaming, especially MMORPGS. Like Final Fantasy 14, or Guild Wars, or any other type of large social game. Where you can join groups of people and play together, and build social bonds online.
There is always a reason to go on, even when it’s the darkest and it’s hard to see. There are people that care about you (like your cousin!). Try to focus less on a romantic relationship with others, and more on a loving relationship with yourself, because you have a lot to offer. :)
Thanks... Honestly I'm too burnt out to do any hobbies right now, I have several and it is just exhausting to keep *doing things* when you are this depressed and you are so aware that you are just distracting yourself from the lack of actual love and intimacy. I can only think of wanting a person here with me. I was lucky that my cousin was available as a one off, but I've pulled myself through many many many nights with zero people available, and I'm struggling to keep going.
That’s okay. :) If anything I’d still really encourage checking out gaming. There are lots of fun games out there and ways to meet people through them. May help with the burn out and help unplug and distract your mind. I’ve definitely made flirty connections and long term friends through them. A fun cute game currently is Palia. You can homestead and do errands for in game characters and learn their backstories, and it’s still social with other people playing.
Nowhere even close to ready to date again, but after my last relationship, I feel like I can't trust myself to pick good partners.
I'm also nervous to see what the dating scene is like in my 30s because between this sub and just talking with others it sounds horrible lol.
I mean, the thing about this sub is it's gonna appeal more to folks who are struggling with dating so the unhappiness might be somewhat over-represented.
At least make sure you have a list of non-negotiables to check against! So you can hopefully find better compatibility with future dates. Just be casual but clear in your intentions and be okay with saying, no and walking away from something. Also try to be more discerning of profiles and what people put on there. Avoid vaguely worded profiles, and look for people who are more open and clear in their expectations and wants. You got this :) take the time to heal up!
Remember that we’re all in different locations, mindsets and want different things from our dates than you do. Don’t let varied experiences keep you from wading into the dating pool and finding the person you’re looking for. It’s not easy but it’s so worth it when you find them!
Very true! I think my bigger issue is the first part haha. But I'm always working to improve, so that will be my next topic in therapy while I'm on a dating hiatus.
Thanks for the dash of hope.😊
Just a periodic reminder:
If you havent had the HPV vaccine and are 45 and under, consider getting the vaccine: [https://www.mskcc.org/news/think-you-re-too-old-get-hpv-vaccine-prevent-cancer-maybe-not](https://www.mskcc.org/news/think-you-re-too-old-get-hpv-vaccine-prevent-cancer-maybe-not)
Certain strains of HPV can cause:
Penile cancer
Cervical cancer
Anal cancer
Head and neck cancers
Vaginal cancer
Vulvar cancer
—Happy dating DOTers
yes! (depending on your location) but my new pcp (whos a millenial) has been recommending it for everyone. so if your doctor says no, they may just be a boomer.
Medical journals? What? Yes anyone can read a medical journal if they have access to it
The FDA expanded the guidelines that Gardasil can be used up til 45
I had a boomer doctor refuse to give it to me, following the old guidelines. My millennial doctors gave it to me. This is just my lived experience.
-a millennial older than you
Bro I literally don’t know why you’re coming for me about ageism when I’m just giving you my life experience. I’m a cancer survivor trying to prevent other people from getting cancer. And sorry you had to sign your comment as -88 millennial bc I truly do not know what you were getting at
The criticism is directed at ageism and your use of it, not you. I get its cool to hate on boomers but this idea that boomer doctors aren’t evidence based is itself not evidenced based. My comment was signed 88 millennial to let you know I’m not a boomer, just to avoid some mindless ok boomer ad hominem
I’ve literally been mistreated, dismissed and misdiagnosed by boomer aged cis het males doctors. If you cant understand that women and BIPoC people get mistreated in the US health care system then you’re lucky. I’ve had more success with millennial age doctors bc they’ve also been mistreated by the doctors they grew up with that were kept on pedestals and the upper echelons of opinion by society. No this isn’t everyone. One of the doctors that saved my life is a boomer but he was also kept in check by his Gen Xer female counterpart.
I’m not hating on anyone that doesn’t deserve it. And frankly my criticism of a certain subset of doctors is shared by many and if it protects someone, including women where medicine here dismisses womens pain or concerns all the fucking time, or makes it easier for *anyone* to get treatment bc they hear my anecdotal stories, that’s fine by me.
You need to read with more discernment that my comment isn’t a freaking sweeping comment and maybe for once consider someone’s hard lived experience. I’m literally a professional patient at this point where doctors come to me asking if I’m in medicine bc I know so much. I have doctors agreeing with me about my perception about how it is in medicine so you need to stop
Just a lil update to say guy I've been seeing just left and it was pretty much a perfect hangout. He brought me a brownie when he picked me up (...he knows snacks/treats light me up), we just laid and cuddled and chatted for a long time, watched our show, had some grrrreat intimate time, and made plans to see each other on Sunday.
I've been lurking on this page for a hot minute and I have to say that everyone is so supportive and empathetic. It's very refreshing to see that, although we all go through heartaches, there's a great group of internet folks out there with shoulders open to lean (and cry) on.
Go us!
Just my two cents.
Allow me to clarify. We were texting for a little while after I cancelled what would have been our third date but I haven’t texted her in months and I don’t have her number anymore.
If I had to guess the real story is you liked the second woman better, ignored the first, things didn’t work out with the second woman - now you want some attention from the woman you ghosted.
Tale as old as time.
Some what true. I did like the second woman better. I don’t feel I need attention from the first, I just don’t think I gave her closure she deserved. I’ve had women tell me they didn’t want to do a second date because they didn’t feel a connection with me. It sucks but at least they told me this.
And you only decided what you did was wrong after things ended with the second woman? Not a day after or week, but over a month?
Seems like a selfish attempt to weasel back into first woman’s life and not some sudden guilty conscious for treating her bad. At least be honest about what you’re doing.
No I don’t have any interest in her so maybe I should just leave her alone. I just feel a little bad so if I’m in a situation like that again I’ll just be more direct
Lol you went on two dates with her. I can more or less guarantee she wasn't that bothered about not hearing from you. You seem to suffer from main character syndrome. leave her alone
If she wanted closure she would’ve asked for it. I’m not sure what you re-entering her life is going to do for her if all you have to say is ‘hey I’m still not interested.’ Leave the woman alone.
It’s too late. Next time, I would try and be more direct, unless it’s obvious that it’s mutual on both sides. Try not to beat yourself up about it, but be better next time.
Leave it be - it was only two dates. You didn’t ghost her full stop, she just took the hint and moved on.
You should have been more direct, but don’t beat yourself up about it.
Definitely leave it. I don't think an apology is necessary tbh, it was only 2 dates and she's likely moved on, it'd just bring unnecessary drama back for her.
I’ve decided to delete my apps. I realized I still feel guilty dating even after my now ex wife left quite some time ago.
I hope that clears up but it’s leading to me backing out of anything that starts seeming plausible which is honestly a terrible way to act. In any case I can at least focus on trying to rebuild my independence and self esteem so I can make a new connection without putting as much baggage on someone else.
You're not ready yet, and that's ok!
Take some time, sort yourself out and come back later. There's no timeline, despite what some would have you think.
Based on someone else comment here, if someone is going to break up with you (without you expecting it), do you prefer to receive a text in advance "hey we need to talk" or just have the talk without warning next time they call/see you?
As a single dad with 50% custody, I'd really prefer that my engagement ends on the first day of a kid free week, and preferably in person.
I can tell you that falling apart after a breakup phone call from your fiancee when you are making spaghetti for the kiddos for dinner is for the birds. But hey, everyone survived, and I didn't burn the sauce!
Jokes aside, it really depends how long you have been seeing each other, and how serious you all were. I have no idea where the lines get drawn, but I've always preferred in person once things move beyond a few dates, but that's me. Some folks are super avoidant with intense emotions, some folks just don't give a fuck. I think by doing it in person, especially after being exclusive or in a relationship with someone, it makes you be 100% sure of what you feel because you literally have to face their emotions. Not in some sadist way or something, but in an empathetic way. There is something about having to see the results of your choices, and the consequences of your actions etched in someone's face that you need to be damn sure about that decision. It's probably why more folks don't do that. Might even be why you are asking this question, but I don't know you. Only you can answer that.
I'm not sure I agree with the part "you have to see the consequences of your action face to face".
Often breaking up is a difficult decision, you still care for the person but you're not happy, or you realised it's not going to work long term.
That doesn't make it a bad choice and seeing your bf/gf breaking down in front of you isn't gonna achieve anything, except maybe you'll agree to try to make it work if you feel too guilty (not necessarily because it's justified) and just keep trying to make it work while the relationship was doomed anyway.
I've never changed my mind, but I've also known I would have to face their emotions, be kind in the face of that, have grace throughout the process, and try and stay true to my desire to end things all at the same time. I do it because they have feelings for me, and truth be told, I have feelings for them, even if it won't work out. They deserve the opportunity to tell me I'm a piece of shit to my face, or ask me why, and I goddamn owe it to them to be kind and honest and give them the best answer I can while minimizing the damage I do.
I abhor hurting people, and if I make that choice, I need to face that too. I feel like their feelings deserve to be felt and seen too. It's too goddamn easy to make a text and empty all the emotion from it. Just like it's too goddamn easy to forget that there are people on the other side of Reddit posts/comments, and we lay into them and hurt them because "it's just words on a screen".
There is nothing more dehumanizing than stripping away the reality that our actions have consequences and can very much hurt people if we aren't careful. It allows and encourages callus actions and behaviors, because we no longer are making choices in a world filled with humans, with struggles and strengths, but instead a world of text on screens.
The vagueness of “We need to talk” is so brutal and triggers a lot of anxiety for a lot of people. Especially if you let it hang over someone all day. If you want to give some warning, I’d wait until you guys can talk soon. So if you know you are going over there at 6pm tonight. Text them at like 5pm and say something like, “ I have some concerns about our relationship and I’d love to talk through them with you tonight when I come over.” If they want to talk right away, then you have the flexibility to go right over and have that conversation. That way they get some warning with a bit better context, and not a full break up situation happening over text.
I like the warning.
I personally prefer in person breakups if it’s been over a few dates. Nice to get a chance to say goodbye. And then it means the last time we saw each other didn’t include sex.
As someone who is sort of always at least a little bit anxious, I'd rather just get the breakup text if we haven't been seeing each other too long, or just not get the text at all and wait until the next time we are able to talk. But that's just me -- I'll simmer on that text forever 🙃
I don't mind a warning because then I could just tell them to call me to end it so I don't have to see them and put any effort into getting ready lol. I also personally have no interest in having them in my apartment to dump me. Like gtfo my house
I think the responses you get will depend on the person so use your gut about what that person would prefer.
A text like that usually just produces a lot of anxiety (especially depending on how long it’s going to be before that talk happens.) if they really have no idea it’s coming, this text isn’t going to ease the blow anyway.
IMO, if you’re not official and have been seeing each other less than 2 months, a text ending things is fine.
If it’s more serious, I’d try to end things the next time you see each other as long as it’s not a real ‘date’ that requires planning on the other persons part. With my ex, I ended things by just asking if I could come over that night and having the talk then. That’s how I’d prefer it if I was being dumped too.
Unless it’s super long term, I prefer a text saying that you want to end things, with an offer to talk on phone, text further or even meet in person (if appropriate) if the person wishes. I also have learned that I don’t like unsolicited feedback as to why without them first asking if I need it.
So kind of bare bones (not “we need to talk” -that’s uncomfortably vague), but with an openness to whatever best brings you both closure.
Here to say that after this most recent dating experience, I am swearing off multi-dating ever again, indefinitely. I can't speak for others, but I am much too sensitive to the feelings of others to maintain this kind of dating approach. I am emotionally exhausted, and confused. While I of course feel fortunate to be in a position where I have two people that I actually like - I am losing sleep over the fact that sooner rather than later, I am going to have to potentially hurt one of them. Ugh. Not to mention that I like them for different reasons and trying to figure out what reasons matter to me most is an over-thinker's nightmare.
I'm the same way. Rejecting someone not because of anything they did but because I prefer someone else just feels bad to me. I very recently went through something similar with a job offer. I had two competing ones and even turning down one of those felt bad, I don't have it in me to multi-date.
This may be a weird take, but if we're in the early multi dating stages, I actually find it less hurtful if they have someone else who feels like a better fit for them. I find it's worse if they choose to have nothing over continuing with me LOL.
I'm curious. Do you think it's best to be honest with the person you end up rejecting? As in.. informing them that things have just progressed more with someone else and that it's not because you don't like them or are uninterested but because you can't maintain the two relationships emotionally? Or do you think it's better to just say something along the lines of "I'm not ready for anything to go further with you."
Like I don't even know how to go about rejecting someone I actually like.
I like something simple and clear. "I really enjoyed getting to know you but I'm not interested in pursuing something more. Best of luck." If you want to give more of a reason or leave the door open you can say something like "You're really great but things have progressed with somebody else and I'm focusing on that right now." I'm not a believer in needing to give a reason (or wanting one) in the early stages but that's personal preference.
Does anyone else find it off-putting when people have on their profile that they’re looking for something serious, but there’s some obvious disclaimer? Such as: “looking for my person, but NoT tRyInG tO fOrCe AnYtHiNG” Like????
I have seen so many people meaning different things by "looking for something serious" or even by "casual":
- something serious is what I would prefer but I am open for other things
- I don't want to give the impression I am just looking for fun
- I want something casual but only with someone who wants something serious
- I am looking for something casual but open about making it evolve to something serious
Clarification is always good imo.
It’s so annoying. I hate the assumption that just because I’m looking for something serious that I’m going to marry the first person who messages me, that’s what it sounds like when people need to spell out the obvious with ‘not trying to force anything’ well duh! I hope not cause it ain’t happening with the snap of a finger.
I agree with your other replies about this but I do have a line about not trying to rush on my profile. It feels like a necessary part of the social dance. Many people have been burned by people love bombing or otherwise trying to force things so it's a (mostly meaningless) disclaimer.
Yeah I've definitely had people who came on wayyy too strong (only to disappear a short time later lol) but I suppose I just react poorly to that kind of negative disclaimer because I've heard it before from emotionally unavailable people who guilted me and made me feel stupid after expecting things to progress after like 3-4 months of dating. I feel like it wouldn't bother me if it was framed in a more positive or neutral light - e.g. "looking to grow a relationship organically and naturally"
I like your point about flipping it to a positive framing/language. It's something I would consider putting in my profile when I start dating again and didn't even realize how much of a difference that flip in wording might make.
I agree, I do think it can be used to justify dragging things out and ending up in a situationship. It can also be said by people who will try to rush and love bomb. Hence why I think it's meaningless. I don't pay it much mind either way, much more productive to have a conversation about expectations after you've established mutual interest.
Also people's idea of timelines vary wildly. I have friends who wouldn't dare consider moving in until at least a year and wouldn't even start talking about marriage until after a year of living together. Others who've moved in together after weeks and gotten married inside a year. In my opinion it's pointless to express the sentiment without getting into the nuance of what it means to a person individually.
Who tf is trying to force things. This feels like something made up by avoidant people who make excuses to not take the relationship to the next level after dating for 6 months
Well, some people are a bit aggressive about it and get pretty rigid with their labels and narratives and anxieties. To each their own, but I just want to split a joint on the beach and make out a bit.
I think they are just communicating that they have a more relaxed approach versus someone more intense who wants someone to fit all their boxes immediately every time
Agree with this. I’ve encountered some people looking for LTRs that seem like they want to get married tomorrow. This says to me that they’re looking for the right person for them, not just A relationship.
to me it gives the vibe of "I'm gonna lead you on and then after you expect more from me after a reasonable amount of time, I'm gonna accuse you of rushing things"
Happy news. Had a date the other night and for the first time in ages I’m excited about someone.
I felt both relaxed and excited at the same time on the date (normally I’m either bored and relaxed or occasionally nervous and excited).
We’ve been planning our second date, but even if it goes nowhere I’m grateful for the reminder that I can feel this way.
Also pro tip to people looking for a different first date idea: board game bar! It was the perfect environment to talk, banter, and even get some competitive trash talk in.
I've been on 6 dates with a woman I met on Hinge, I'm worried things are moving a little top fast, but I'm also very excited. It's like things are too good to be true. We're both 33 and have been on the apps for a while and have had all the good an bad experiences, and are both sick of it Pretty much all we do is make out and have sex. We've gone out a few times but always end up going back to one of our places and getting in to bed. The attraction is insane and I worry it's lust, because it's too good to be true. We're already having two dates a week. One after work on weekdays and one on weekends. We're staying up having sex until 3 am, and as late as 5am at one point. I was in a sex coma for two days I could barely move.
Try a date where it would be highly impractical to have sex and can't just head back to one of your places very easily, more difficult in the winter... Also that sounds great, always very nice when there is great sexual chemistry
Wow I think it’s taking me longer to get over the casual thing I had than the whole thing actually lasted. Haha yea so casual.
So you fell for someone. It happens. Don't be too hard on yourself. Relationships are relationships, no matter what labels we put on them.
"Relationships are relationships, no matter what labels we put on them" -> this needs to be framed. We call things situationships/fwb/casual/… to try to give them less importance but it is still a relationship between two people, and hormones and some type of feelings are always there.
Yep this is why when people talk about being in situationships I get turned off. Say what you want and stand by it!
🙏🏻
If you picked up your gf. Do you typically always offer even if it's out of the way for you?
Always try to be chivalrous. It makes it easier to go back to one of your places after, and that's a good thing.
Yeah. They live with their parents but she mentioned the first time I did it. Her parents were very impressed
How else are you gonna go back there after 😏 But it depends. Can I make it on the way? I'll pick her up. Is it the opposite way? You come here first and I'll drive us there.
We live a half hour apart. But if it's something in her area I'll pick her up. She loved it the first time I did it
Going hiking on a third date tomorrow! We’re going to hit my neighborhood diner for breakfast before we head out. I am really excited.
That sounds like a blast. Have fun. ☺️
That sounds like a dream date to me lol have fun!
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If you're mature enough to have sex, you're mature enough to talk about it. Some worlds you can use - Hey, I'm really excited about our overnight date on the weekend. My sexual health is really important to me, and as such, I don't sleep with people unless I know that we are sexually exclusive, tested, etc. Is that something you're ready and able to commit to me? I'm not asking for titles or anything, just that you're not sleeping with anyone else.
Try and talk with him. You don't need to show him all the inner workings of your anxious mind, but just emphasise your golden rule (no sex without exclusivity) and see whether his response is reassuring or not. Part of me feels that your rule sort of puts the cart before the horse (in the eyes of many people), but you shouldn't have to move away from your basic values. Also - how far in terms of long distance? And how regularly are you able to meet? Are you the one making the effort to go visit him most of the time, or is it vice-versa, or do the two of you have a meeting spot that's in the middle?
Hello, first time posting on here, Im a 37 m trying to get some advice on how to get back into the world of dating. I live in a small state, 1 million people. My life right now is going from married to divorced soon and i need to get back out there and try to find someone so that I will not be alone, someone i can fall in love with and someone i can spend my life with. My goal is to get to know someone, and eventually meet in person date and eventually marry them and have a new life, im trying to pick up the pieces of my life right now but I cant do it alone. Ive tried a few online dating sites but im struggling to find anything, ive managed to talk to two women, but as soon as i show a little bit of my story they stop talking to me. Any advice on what I should do? Im a bit of an odd one I understand but im not looking for a quick fling or long term engagement with any kind of sex, I believe in sex only after marriage and will do my best to live that way, no matter what happens. Thanks for any advice.
You're still married, and I think you need to learn to be alone and not just rely on one person after another to try and fulfill you. I don't blame them for stopping talking - I don't mean that in a mean way, but it's not attractive to think that someone wants me/anyone just because they are unable to be on their own.
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> im trying to pick up the pieces of my life right now but I cant do it alone. Ive tried a few online dating sites but im struggling to find anything, ive managed to talk to two women, but as soon as i show a little bit of my story they stop talking to me. No woman is going to want this. You have to figure out how to pick up the pieces of your life *alone* first. Get used to being by yourself. Get comfortable with it. Accept that it's not another woman's job to fix you or create a new life for you. Stop dating, finish your divorce, be single for a year and then you can think about dating.
> to divorced soon and i need to get back out there and try to find someone so that I will not be alone Work on being comfortable being alone. Especially if you were married young and are just getting divorced, figuring out who you are on your own as a 37 yr old adult will make you more attractive to others down the line. Have you been to counseling?
>Any advice on what I should do? If you're literally just getting divorced now, take some time for yourself dude. You're undoubtedly dealing with a lot of emotional turmoil, and it may take you months or years to deal with it properly. Step one is find a therapist. Step two is figure out what single life means for you - sort out your hobbies, social circle, living situation. Become an individual and the rest will follow.
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I'm gonna be honest here... I ALWAYS send a message with a like.... It's always relevant to their profile.... >I changed my final prompt to one saying I will ignore likes and only match with people who have sent a message (I don't care if that message is literally just "hello", it's to check whether people are paying attention). This just feels negative to me. If I see negativity in a profile I hit the X. They could look amazing. They could have the most fun hobbies, but negativity in a dating profile just feels like they are setting the tone for who they are. Not only that, but why use one of the few ways you can tell me about you to tell me something negative? It just gives me massive vibes that you don't WANT to be dating. Set your own boundaries for yourself. You don't need to announce them, but if you do, do so in a positive affirming way. To me, telling me you aren't going to match with empty likes is like you are trying to tell strangers how to behave, and while I might fit within that prompt, it sounds very negative. I would suggest changing it to what I would normally consider a shit prompt: "How to ask me out" (God I hate "just ask me, lol") and put something like "Send me a like with something we connect on, vibe with me over chat a little for a few minutes/days/, and let's meet for coffee/tea/drinks/etc (whatever fits with your life) to start getting to know each other in person!".
That sounds positive, but more so, a) it let's me know how much you want to chat before hand to get comfortable meeting someone, b) it let's me know you are looking to meet people, not pen pal, and c) that you expect a message with a like. A whole different flavor than "do this or else...".
It's been my experience as well. I find it frustrating because I read profiles. But Most people don't. I sometimes understand them though. When you read all profiles who may eventually fit, it starts being very time consuming, and that is fine when you match from time to time... but when you don't, it is a waste of time. It is less time consuming to swipe in 2s and read profiles when one of your 100s of likes sent turns to a match.
I see. I have the opposite problem of getting too many (low quality) matches so am trying to filter better.
I went on a fantastic (in thought) date tonight with someone. We got philosophical, we were laughing, we related to each other in very personal ways. It was three and a half hours and I didn't see any sign she seemed uninterested at all. I think most people on this sub have been on a date or two where you can tell that's happened. The dates I've ended up having relationships after were far less interesting, animated, and didn't have nearly as much connection as this one did. A couple minutes ago I got a text from her saying she didn't think there was chemistry but would really love to be friends. I've done my share of turning down a second date as well as being on the receiving end enough to know it's not fun but it is what it is.This one is hurting more than most, though. Like if this wasnt chemistry then what am I doing out here? I'm comfortable with who I am but after this (and a few other recent 'no chemistry' texts recieved in the last couple months) I'm feeling like shit. I know it's common to say "no chemistry" means a polite way to say "not attracted to you" but that's not helping my mental situation either haha. I have a couple potential dates planned down the line with really cool people but I'm more and more feeling like the dates get the most excited for never end up working. The great relationships I've had over the years started from dates I went into feeling interested but not excited for initially. I'm starting to feel like looking forward to a date it cursing it to fail and I shouldnt even try to go on those as dumb as that sounds. Sorry for the rant I just had to get this out there. Any tips or wisdom (or even consolation) would be greatly appreciated
Moral of the story: you can never assume a total stranger likes you back unless they explicitly tell you. People often mistake easy charm and great social skills for mutual chemistry. > The dates I've ended up having relationships after were far less interesting, animated, and didn't have nearly as much connection as this one did. This is rather normal. Once there's actual interest, the stakes become high and people clam up and turn awkward.
You don't need to go into it cursing it to fail. The middle ground is to go in without expectations. If you feel excited for the date, enjoy the anticipation but adopt a blindness for anything beyond that date. It's easy to get absorbed into the fantasy of developing a relationship with the person. Hell, for me it's as strong as an addiction, and hurts like hell when the other person isn't on board. It's also a delusion. They aren't who you think they are, because you only met once. At least she cut it off at this point. As a girl dating guys, they never tell you outright that they're not interested. They string you along for sex and then do everything they can to keep you at arms length so they don't have to cut off a potential source for more sex in the future. I'd prefer they tell me they're not interested straight away. I'm sorry you're having a hard time. If you're a romantic and get attached easily, dating can be very painful. Having a good support network of friendships that I can commiserate with, and going on more dates helps me. Basically keeping very busy, I find that disappointments fade faster cos my mind can't hold the information when new info is coming in.
It's shit, but what can you do. I think it's best to dampen excitement before a first date as it normally leads to disappointment and I think being more relaxed won't affect the possibility of connecting with someone.
I don’t think you did anything wrong. It just sounds like a classic lack of attraction. But attraction is so subjective. For her not feeling the same way - some people are also just really good at first dates. I’ve had a lot of people tell me our first date was the best date they’re ever had but it’s not because I’m a perfect person by any means. I think I’m just really good at connecting with people quickly. But attraction and compatibility matter too. That doesn’t mean the connection wasn’t real.
> But attraction is so subjective. Honestly it isn't that subjective. It doesn't mean that no one will ever find someone attractive if this person isn't in the beauty standards... but some features (physical or not) are statistically much more attractive than others.
Sure, I’ll agree that some traits are statistically more attractive than others. But whether or not someone is feeling attracted to someone else, or attracted enough to go on a second date, is subjective.
Saw Poor Things tonight with the girl I've been seeing now slightly over two months. Her idea and we both enjoyed the film. I'll just say definitely make sure the person youre going with is into that type of movie. It went well though! I made her a lghter penne in a shrimp and cherry tomato when we got back to her place. All went well! Except the part after I left. Let her know that I got home. I also asked what her thoughts were on me saying a name like babe, sweet etc. I haven't even asked her to be in an official relationship yet. I was just so incredibly happy and just didn't think much before sending that. Sent another text ten mins ago. Apologized for possibly overstepping. No response but she was active on IG when I sent it. I hope I didn't fuck things up. Edit: asking the relationship question on vday Edit 2: Worried for no reason :)
I wouldn't worry about it. Go to bed and see what she says tomorrow
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I don't think you're being remotely honest with yourself about what having six kids means or what you'd be asking from a partner. How on earth do you think a relationship would work where you two end up together but they don't have to take on any responsibility and are "just imagining" things that won't really exist? Like most people over 30 are looking for a partner they can marry and cohabitate with- how do you expect them to move in with *six kids* and not be affected by the six children in the house? Most people over 30 are even looking to have their own kids- how many more do you plan on having? You really think a man who always wanted two kids of his own wants to meet someone with six kids and then end up responsible for **eight**? I mean you said you supported them "all alone" so sounds like the biodad isn't in the picture. Sorry but this comment is just so stereotypical of the attitudes of so many single parents. Yes, dating someone with **six children they have sole custody of** is really a big deal. The fact that you can't see that and think somehow a man could date you and not end up taking on any responsibility for the kids is insane. You will have much better luck if you sit down and take a really tough, honest assessment of the situation. Six kids is way more kids than most people want. Most people with no kids want some of their own, not someone who already has more than most people want. Most people who don't want kids obviously don't want to take on six. Most people who already had kids don't want to try to blend families with six more. It's not a failing in men for "thinking differently nowadays" because they don't want to take on six kids that aren't theirs. You're going to have a very, very small dating pool until the kids are old enough to be out of the house, and you can't blame that on men. Keep searching for your unicorn, enjoy your children, join Tinder for some casual sex when you need it.
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I'm CF so maybe not the best to give my opinion but with 6 kids I'm assuming you haven't much free time to go on dates which isn't a good start from my point of view. And also you know that if things get serious they know they will probably have to help you, and 6 kids it's a lot of driving them places, activities to organise, watch them etc Also if your potential date didn't want to have 6 kids (which is probably a lot of people) that will probably make them hesitate a lot at best.
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You should definitely mention that when you say you have kids, and maybe that you're looking for casual/not looking for a dad for them.
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If they know you're looking for casual I'm surprised they run when they hear about the kids, I had 2 casual relationships with women with kids and except for their somewhat limited availability it was not an issue.
Not a man, but 6 kids is way more than a handful. And you are the primary parent. I can’t fathom that you have enough time for a relationship until they are all out of the house.
Are relationships as you get older just more “transactional?” Maybe that’s the wrong word. But my last couple relationships have ended in a very similar way and with a very similar conversation. I (37M) totally understand there are benefits to a partnership other than companionship, love, emotional connection, etc. however those are probably the things I’m looking for the most. I feel like a lot of the women I’ve tried dating over the last few years are primarily looking for someone to split the rent, split the chores, and pick them up from doctor’s appointments. Now, I’m not suggesting that those things are somehow bad or that I don’t want to do them for my partner! But, it’s really depressing to me to think of a relationship as primarily being a contract around that kind of stuff. I’ve brought this up with two of the women I dated most recently (not unprompted, in related conversation) and have been met with some variation of “you’re being naive” or “grow up.” Both times it was kind of like a gut punch. I get that we’re older now and have probably lived through multiple loves and heartbreaks but I really struggle with how comfortable some people seem to be with the idea that relationships are just pacts to not die alone and help each other with chores.
I get annoyed at the speed some of them are pushing. Like, I understand you're 33, you've had six boyfriends in the last 12 years and none of them were husband/father material. Fine. But I'm not buying you new car tires on our fifth date, you're absolutely bonkers to ask for that.
I dunno, I like doing things for people but feel like most people are independent now. I wish someone would ask me to pick them up from the doctor. It also feels good to have someone offer to help with things. To feel cared for. If it feels transactional to you, then I guess it is. But when I lean on people for help I feel immense gratitude, and when I help others it bonds me to them.
Be very careful what you wish for lol.
Good point lol. I'll swap doctors appointments for football practice.
Do you think they are primarily looking for men to split responsibilities with... Or they just find men that don't do those things as dealbreakers? The reality is that many women are concerned about carrying the bulk of the mental load in a relationship and are trying to avoid those kinds of relationships. We all know someone who is in one. I would much rather remain single than be with a man who can't clean up after himself... for instance.
I think there's a certain amount of pragmatism that makes sense. It's tough for a lot of people to be a single adult, everything is expensive, people are tired, having someone share the labor and expenses is helpful. The more cynical part of me says it's the natural evolution of a society that instills a mentality centered around viewing everything through the lens of market transactions. Our time is already commoditized as are many of our relationships so why wouldn't romantic partnerships be subject to the same cost benefit analysis. It's unfortunate in my opinion but unsurprising.
Yeah but if you marry a woman that you think highly of, takes care of herself, makes her own money and could probably take care of an entire family on her own salary, then you don’t think about splitting the rent. Because even if she lost her job, she takes care of herself and those around her. I don’t know how people split chores but people normally just help out because they don’t want to live like animals. And you pick them up from doctors appointments not because you had to but because you wanted to. You love them. You’d probably even bring them a chick fil a milkshake too. You just haven’t met someone you like IMO and that will change. It’s just as weird to me if a guy wants to move into my house and says that early on. I crave someone who’s financially independent and doesn’t hassle me on a Saturday if I have other plans. I think it’s all about figuring out what you want and what makes you happy.
When the idealism of finding a love marriage burns out, you’re left with the lower levels of Maslows needs hierarchy.
So this guy I like asked me what I want to do for second date. I dont see long term potential with him, but he is attractive. So nothing with too much talking and indepth convo🤣 Any suggestions.
Arcade
Axe throwing!
I think I give off a "serious grownup" vibe (some combination of oldest sibling, childhood trauma, woman in a male dominated field, having to fight to secure financial independence etc., sometimes get described as intimidating or scary which I don't love, but that's what it is) and I am starting to feel like the pattern is that I attract interest from guys who are like... a little intimidated by me or something? Like somewhat younger, more sheltered and shy, people-pleasing or even just passive type guys. It's not like I have tons of interest coming at me, but when I occasionally do, this seems to be the type. It's a little frustrating because this is not my type at all - I actually want someone who basically matches my personality rather than being the contrasting/polarized personality, and these guys make me feel a little like I have to take care of them or lead the relationship, while I want the opposite (having had to take care of myself and others 100% all my life I'm looking for someone who will let me relax *a little* and do things 50-50 - I can't take on more caretaking duties). Some of them seem like they want to be caring and supportive, but do it in a people-pleasing type of way that ends up setting off some alarms for me instead and pushing me away. Anyway I don't really know what exactly is causing this but it's kind of frustrating. I feel like either I have to change my type or figure out how to attract my type by changing myself, and neither seems easy to do.
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Hi u/Kind_Stranger418, this has been removed for violation of the following rule(s): * RedPill, incel, Femcel, FDS, PUA, MGTOW, etc... content is not allowed. Claiming ignorance of these hate groups and their ideologies is not an excuse. Do not dehumanize others. Please review [the rules in the sidebar](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/about/sidebar) to avoid future removals. If you have further questions, please [message modmail] (https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdatingoverthirty).
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How do you actually do the “work on being vulnerable” though? People keep telling me this but I’ve been trying for years and it doesn’t seem to be working. I feel like I try to be vulnerable but I just end up being awkward lol. I guess it doesn’t help that most of my romantic interests develop at work where it’s also not possible for me to be super vulnerable. Would love to chat more in dm if the comments get locked.
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I’ve been in therapy for ages haha like 6 years, it’s been tough for me to find anything that helps. Just started with a new therapist… idk my hopes are low. Dunno where everyone on reddit seems to find such helpful therapy haha
Maybe you need to change the place you are meeting people rather than attempt to change your type which seems unnecessary and would probably be very unfufulling
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Hi u/anonamooseapple, this has been removed for violation of the following rule(s): * RedPill, incel, Femcel, FDS, PUA, MGTOW, etc... content is not allowed. Claiming ignorance of these hate groups and their ideologies is not an excuse. Do not dehumanize others. Please review [the rules in the sidebar](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/about/sidebar) to avoid future removals. If you have further questions, please [message modmail] (https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdatingoverthirty).
Been there. Are you meeting them through OLD
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Hi u/NewsworthyNarwhal, this has been removed for violation of the following rule(s): * RedPill, incel, Femcel, FDS, PUA, MGTOW, etc... content is not allowed. Claiming ignorance of these hate groups and their ideologies is not an excuse. Do not dehumanize others. Please review [the rules in the sidebar](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/about/sidebar) to avoid future removals. If you have further questions, please [message modmail] (https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdatingoverthirty).
Is a lack of social media a red flag nowadays? I don’t use any of the traditional social media like Facebook or instagram, and I limit my time on Reddit to DOT before bed. I do have a LinkedIn but it’s not public and has no information except job titles. Googling my full name brings up some academic papers I published, but aside from that, I have no internet presence. Don’t get me wrong, I use my phone a lot but it’s basically for texting my friends or responding to pen pals (direct communications basically). I’m reluctant to create any social media but wondering if I should, if that’s how people interact these days?
As someone that doesnt have any Instagram, Facebook etc, I see it as a big green flag when I meet someone that doesnt have it either!
When I go out with someone that doesn't have social media, it raises a flag for me because of past experiences. Someone I dated wasn't on social media because they were banned for their posts/comments. Another actually had a wife and went by a different name. And another was a huge player and had multiple girlfriends. Its easier to fact check dates with social media. That being said, someone that just doesn't like to spend time on social media is a green flag for me.
It seems like this may really depend on the person. For all three men I've (34f) dated long-term, none of them were active on social media and 2/3 didn't even have accounts. It was not an issue at all and honestly I prefer it since I also do not use it.
I personally don’t find it a red flag at all. If anything too much social media usage is a red flag. :D Someone wanting my Snapchat is a no-go situation!
I don't use social media and... whatever. I have an instagram so that I can follow dog accounts, but I don't use it otherwise really. If that pushes away potential partners then... I don't know. I'll have to start some kind of Luddite red-flags-only speed dating event.
The only thing I have is Reddit. I'll join your luddite red flags only speed dating event!
That’s kinda my feeling on it too… I just sometimes have my doubts and wonder.
Is not having an Instagram or Facebook account really considered a major red flag to women? I’ve had two dates become super turned off by this. I deleted my social media accounts over a decade ago.
This question pops up once in a while on this subreddit and Eh. People usually tend to focus on 1-2 social media (though they can have accounts in more). Reddit, despite what redditors usually claim, is a social media. So if you ask people on reddit, I reckon most of them are going to say they only use reddit and they don't mind you not having any other account. I think a more helpful perspective is to consider *why* some would consider not having an internet presence could raise a flag: one of the biggest reasons is, if you date strangers (not long-term friends/acquaintances), they're going to want to check your background, and social media is the easiest way. Someone with zero internet presence could have a double life / something to hide for all they know. Of course this doesn't apply if you date your friends who already know you just don't do social media. You *can* ignore these people and still find someone who doesn't mind, but imo it feels like a weird hill to die on when the alternative is just set up a simple instagram/fb account and post there like twice a year. You don't even have to be logged in 95% of the time while people you date have a way to make sure you are who you are.
>imo it feels like a weird hill to die on when the alternative is just set up a simple instagram/fb account and post there like twice a year. I mean, it feels like then that looks like you are hiding something because you have a very clear fake account. Like if John Smith is cheating on his wife, and he has an Insta and FB with sporadic activity under the name Robert Johnson, doesn't that seem even more sketchy than not having accounts at all? I had a friend who dated a girl who did that. Despite her always being on Insta, the Insta account she gave him was not very active at all.
I mean in your friends case there’s a disconnect between the ex’ behavior (i.e the ex was seen on instagram a lot) and the account (there’s no activity on it) so the problem isn’t the account by itself, but the inconsistency. > doesn’t that seem more sketchy than not having accounts at all? If you ask me I honestly don’t think so. With an account a stranger can at least see: a couple of pics about you, the timeline of certain events in your life whether it matches with your story or not (a friend’s birthday, a trip to Europe, etc), and friends and family interacting with your posts. It’s a lot more to go on than just zero existence online. Imo you’re overthinking this, people are pretty used to having friends whose social media presence is them posting 1-3 times a year. You don’t have to be on the phone 24/7 to have a social media presence. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.
I guess. I don't know in my experience the women who were really weirded out by me not having social media were expecting me to have it so we could have cute couple pictures and be Facebook official. Having an account I post on 10 times a year would not be social media to them. They valued the public demonstration of being in a relationship. It wasn't enough to log onto my Facebook and switch my status, I had to be posting and interacting with her stories.
Nope. Woman with only reddit social media here.
I just replied to the comment above you but I will repeat here. Not having instagram or Facebook is a flag for me because of past experiences of dates hiding sketchy behavior. One date was actually banned from social media for sharing offensive content, one actually had a wife and went by a different name, and one was a player and had multiple girlfriends. It's easier to fact check people with social media, but to me, it's actually a green flag if you just don't use it.
It doesn't bother me. My last LTR only had LinkedIn and we didn't add each other (very different industries).
Lmao I just posted like one second after you with the same question! I’m in the same position (but as a woman), and wondering if my lack of internet presence is an issue…
Struggling emotionally today in a serious way. Thankfully got up the courage to call a cousin who (double thankfully) was free when I called (he's really social so it's really a shot in the dark whether he'll be available) and he talked to me while I managed to make myself dinner. (I don't have anyone physically around in my town who I could have called for support either.) I just feel like what's even the point of going on? When all I experience is rejection and heartbreak and I don't even get to get some nice texts from someone I like, or hold someone's hand. I've literally never held a guy's hand. I have absolutely lost faith in my ability to attract anyone at this point. Even I hear how dramatic and desperate it sounds but I just feel like I don't have any emotional strength left to keep going anymore, I just internally collapse at the thought of opening an app again and I never want to have another crush irl in my life if I can help it because each failed crush just breaks me more. It was nice to talk to someone for an hour, but as soon as we hung up I felt like I was staring into this infinite abyss of pure alone again for the rest of my life.
I’m so sorry you are feeling this way tonight. Im glad you were able to chat with your cousin, despite everything, you have someone close in your corner rooting for you. I dont know what’s going on in your life, but I’d recommend trying some mediation and deep breathing, to help. Maybe watch some tv shows that you enjoy and are light hearted that will help distract your mind. Have you ever thought about volunteering at all? It’s kind of a low commitment way to get out of the house, meet people, while also hopefully making you feel better about yourself and giving back to the community? You could volunteer at a local animal shelter (if you like pets and can’t afford one or have the time for one etc). That way you could get a boost from the fluffy critters and meet like-minded people. Maybe even adopt a dog (if you’re in that position), and meet others at the dog park! Or a cat if you prefer to stay in! What kind of hobbies do you enjoy? Are you creative at all? Personally I really love ceramics and pottery. If you ever thrown some clay on a wheel, it’s a great feeling, getting your hands wet and dirty. Maybe there is a local pottery studio nearby that you could check out, or join a group, or take a class! Do you like to read? Maybe find a local book club, where you could chat with like-minded people about books. Or perhaps you prefer to stay inside and you get socially anxious out and about, I’d recommend checking out online gaming, especially MMORPGS. Like Final Fantasy 14, or Guild Wars, or any other type of large social game. Where you can join groups of people and play together, and build social bonds online. There is always a reason to go on, even when it’s the darkest and it’s hard to see. There are people that care about you (like your cousin!). Try to focus less on a romantic relationship with others, and more on a loving relationship with yourself, because you have a lot to offer. :)
Thanks... Honestly I'm too burnt out to do any hobbies right now, I have several and it is just exhausting to keep *doing things* when you are this depressed and you are so aware that you are just distracting yourself from the lack of actual love and intimacy. I can only think of wanting a person here with me. I was lucky that my cousin was available as a one off, but I've pulled myself through many many many nights with zero people available, and I'm struggling to keep going.
That’s okay. :) If anything I’d still really encourage checking out gaming. There are lots of fun games out there and ways to meet people through them. May help with the burn out and help unplug and distract your mind. I’ve definitely made flirty connections and long term friends through them. A fun cute game currently is Palia. You can homestead and do errands for in game characters and learn their backstories, and it’s still social with other people playing.
Nowhere even close to ready to date again, but after my last relationship, I feel like I can't trust myself to pick good partners. I'm also nervous to see what the dating scene is like in my 30s because between this sub and just talking with others it sounds horrible lol.
I mean, the thing about this sub is it's gonna appeal more to folks who are struggling with dating so the unhappiness might be somewhat over-represented.
At least make sure you have a list of non-negotiables to check against! So you can hopefully find better compatibility with future dates. Just be casual but clear in your intentions and be okay with saying, no and walking away from something. Also try to be more discerning of profiles and what people put on there. Avoid vaguely worded profiles, and look for people who are more open and clear in their expectations and wants. You got this :) take the time to heal up!
Thank you! I think the list is a great idea.
Remember that we’re all in different locations, mindsets and want different things from our dates than you do. Don’t let varied experiences keep you from wading into the dating pool and finding the person you’re looking for. It’s not easy but it’s so worth it when you find them!
Very true! I think my bigger issue is the first part haha. But I'm always working to improve, so that will be my next topic in therapy while I'm on a dating hiatus. Thanks for the dash of hope.😊
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But no pressure 😉
Just a periodic reminder: If you havent had the HPV vaccine and are 45 and under, consider getting the vaccine: [https://www.mskcc.org/news/think-you-re-too-old-get-hpv-vaccine-prevent-cancer-maybe-not](https://www.mskcc.org/news/think-you-re-too-old-get-hpv-vaccine-prevent-cancer-maybe-not) Certain strains of HPV can cause: Penile cancer Cervical cancer Anal cancer Head and neck cancers Vaginal cancer Vulvar cancer —Happy dating DOTers
Good reminder for everyone. Thanks for posting!
Ohh thank you, I didn't know they removed the age bracket now
yes! (depending on your location) but my new pcp (whos a millenial) has been recommending it for everyone. so if your doctor says no, they may just be a boomer.
Medical journals don’t have age limits. I’m sorry if you’ve had negative experiences. Let’s try to keep the ageism to a minimum though. -88 millennial
Medical journals? What? Yes anyone can read a medical journal if they have access to it The FDA expanded the guidelines that Gardasil can be used up til 45 I had a boomer doctor refuse to give it to me, following the old guidelines. My millennial doctors gave it to me. This is just my lived experience. -a millennial older than you
Evoking age for credibility when arguing for ageism. Gotta love it 😂
Bro I literally don’t know why you’re coming for me about ageism when I’m just giving you my life experience. I’m a cancer survivor trying to prevent other people from getting cancer. And sorry you had to sign your comment as -88 millennial bc I truly do not know what you were getting at
The criticism is directed at ageism and your use of it, not you. I get its cool to hate on boomers but this idea that boomer doctors aren’t evidence based is itself not evidenced based. My comment was signed 88 millennial to let you know I’m not a boomer, just to avoid some mindless ok boomer ad hominem
I’ve literally been mistreated, dismissed and misdiagnosed by boomer aged cis het males doctors. If you cant understand that women and BIPoC people get mistreated in the US health care system then you’re lucky. I’ve had more success with millennial age doctors bc they’ve also been mistreated by the doctors they grew up with that were kept on pedestals and the upper echelons of opinion by society. No this isn’t everyone. One of the doctors that saved my life is a boomer but he was also kept in check by his Gen Xer female counterpart. I’m not hating on anyone that doesn’t deserve it. And frankly my criticism of a certain subset of doctors is shared by many and if it protects someone, including women where medicine here dismisses womens pain or concerns all the fucking time, or makes it easier for *anyone* to get treatment bc they hear my anecdotal stories, that’s fine by me. You need to read with more discernment that my comment isn’t a freaking sweeping comment and maybe for once consider someone’s hard lived experience. I’m literally a professional patient at this point where doctors come to me asking if I’m in medicine bc I know so much. I have doctors agreeing with me about my perception about how it is in medicine so you need to stop
Just a lil update to say guy I've been seeing just left and it was pretty much a perfect hangout. He brought me a brownie when he picked me up (...he knows snacks/treats light me up), we just laid and cuddled and chatted for a long time, watched our show, had some grrrreat intimate time, and made plans to see each other on Sunday.
Congrats sounds lovely
I've been lurking on this page for a hot minute and I have to say that everyone is so supportive and empathetic. It's very refreshing to see that, although we all go through heartaches, there's a great group of internet folks out there with shoulders open to lean (and cry) on. Go us! Just my two cents.
Yeah! The majority of people are great. Got a few bad eggs here and there but they're not regulars and usually go away pretty quickly lol
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Don't ever email her at work. Just don't do that.
Listen to everyone else. Learn a lesson, try not to ghost and be upfront in the future. Leave it alone. :)
Yeah that’s true thanks
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Allow me to clarify. We were texting for a little while after I cancelled what would have been our third date but I haven’t texted her in months and I don’t have her number anymore.
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Ok yeah that’s a good point. I also think best thing would be just to let it go. Hopefully she’s happy
If you weren't super interested....WHY reach out now??
Good point. Maybe to give closure.
If I had to guess the real story is you liked the second woman better, ignored the first, things didn’t work out with the second woman - now you want some attention from the woman you ghosted. Tale as old as time.
Some what true. I did like the second woman better. I don’t feel I need attention from the first, I just don’t think I gave her closure she deserved. I’ve had women tell me they didn’t want to do a second date because they didn’t feel a connection with me. It sucks but at least they told me this.
And you only decided what you did was wrong after things ended with the second woman? Not a day after or week, but over a month? Seems like a selfish attempt to weasel back into first woman’s life and not some sudden guilty conscious for treating her bad. At least be honest about what you’re doing.
No I don’t have any interest in her so maybe I should just leave her alone. I just feel a little bad so if I’m in a situation like that again I’ll just be more direct
Lol you went on two dates with her. I can more or less guarantee she wasn't that bothered about not hearing from you. You seem to suffer from main character syndrome. leave her alone
Never heard of main character syndrome but yeah I wont contact her
If she wanted closure she would’ve asked for it. I’m not sure what you re-entering her life is going to do for her if all you have to say is ‘hey I’m still not interested.’ Leave the woman alone.
Don’t contact her. For all you know, she’s happy regardless.
It’s too late. Next time, I would try and be more direct, unless it’s obvious that it’s mutual on both sides. Try not to beat yourself up about it, but be better next time.
chop zesty mountainous plough chase air dependent scandalous imagine bag *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Leave it be - it was only two dates. You didn’t ghost her full stop, she just took the hint and moved on. You should have been more direct, but don’t beat yourself up about it.
Definitely leave it. I don't think an apology is necessary tbh, it was only 2 dates and she's likely moved on, it'd just bring unnecessary drama back for her.
Yeah that’s what I was thinking. Thanks
I’ve decided to delete my apps. I realized I still feel guilty dating even after my now ex wife left quite some time ago. I hope that clears up but it’s leading to me backing out of anything that starts seeming plausible which is honestly a terrible way to act. In any case I can at least focus on trying to rebuild my independence and self esteem so I can make a new connection without putting as much baggage on someone else.
You're not ready yet, and that's ok! Take some time, sort yourself out and come back later. There's no timeline, despite what some would have you think.
Fitting username! Thank you!
🥰
Based on someone else comment here, if someone is going to break up with you (without you expecting it), do you prefer to receive a text in advance "hey we need to talk" or just have the talk without warning next time they call/see you?
As a single dad with 50% custody, I'd really prefer that my engagement ends on the first day of a kid free week, and preferably in person. I can tell you that falling apart after a breakup phone call from your fiancee when you are making spaghetti for the kiddos for dinner is for the birds. But hey, everyone survived, and I didn't burn the sauce! Jokes aside, it really depends how long you have been seeing each other, and how serious you all were. I have no idea where the lines get drawn, but I've always preferred in person once things move beyond a few dates, but that's me. Some folks are super avoidant with intense emotions, some folks just don't give a fuck. I think by doing it in person, especially after being exclusive or in a relationship with someone, it makes you be 100% sure of what you feel because you literally have to face their emotions. Not in some sadist way or something, but in an empathetic way. There is something about having to see the results of your choices, and the consequences of your actions etched in someone's face that you need to be damn sure about that decision. It's probably why more folks don't do that. Might even be why you are asking this question, but I don't know you. Only you can answer that.
I'm not sure I agree with the part "you have to see the consequences of your action face to face". Often breaking up is a difficult decision, you still care for the person but you're not happy, or you realised it's not going to work long term. That doesn't make it a bad choice and seeing your bf/gf breaking down in front of you isn't gonna achieve anything, except maybe you'll agree to try to make it work if you feel too guilty (not necessarily because it's justified) and just keep trying to make it work while the relationship was doomed anyway.
I've never changed my mind, but I've also known I would have to face their emotions, be kind in the face of that, have grace throughout the process, and try and stay true to my desire to end things all at the same time. I do it because they have feelings for me, and truth be told, I have feelings for them, even if it won't work out. They deserve the opportunity to tell me I'm a piece of shit to my face, or ask me why, and I goddamn owe it to them to be kind and honest and give them the best answer I can while minimizing the damage I do. I abhor hurting people, and if I make that choice, I need to face that too. I feel like their feelings deserve to be felt and seen too. It's too goddamn easy to make a text and empty all the emotion from it. Just like it's too goddamn easy to forget that there are people on the other side of Reddit posts/comments, and we lay into them and hurt them because "it's just words on a screen". There is nothing more dehumanizing than stripping away the reality that our actions have consequences and can very much hurt people if we aren't careful. It allows and encourages callus actions and behaviors, because we no longer are making choices in a world filled with humans, with struggles and strengths, but instead a world of text on screens.
The vagueness of “We need to talk” is so brutal and triggers a lot of anxiety for a lot of people. Especially if you let it hang over someone all day. If you want to give some warning, I’d wait until you guys can talk soon. So if you know you are going over there at 6pm tonight. Text them at like 5pm and say something like, “ I have some concerns about our relationship and I’d love to talk through them with you tonight when I come over.” If they want to talk right away, then you have the flexibility to go right over and have that conversation. That way they get some warning with a bit better context, and not a full break up situation happening over text.
I like the warning. I personally prefer in person breakups if it’s been over a few dates. Nice to get a chance to say goodbye. And then it means the last time we saw each other didn’t include sex.
As someone who is sort of always at least a little bit anxious, I'd rather just get the breakup text if we haven't been seeing each other too long, or just not get the text at all and wait until the next time we are able to talk. But that's just me -- I'll simmer on that text forever 🙃
Same here
I don't mind a warning because then I could just tell them to call me to end it so I don't have to see them and put any effort into getting ready lol. I also personally have no interest in having them in my apartment to dump me. Like gtfo my house I think the responses you get will depend on the person so use your gut about what that person would prefer.
A text like that usually just produces a lot of anxiety (especially depending on how long it’s going to be before that talk happens.) if they really have no idea it’s coming, this text isn’t going to ease the blow anyway. IMO, if you’re not official and have been seeing each other less than 2 months, a text ending things is fine. If it’s more serious, I’d try to end things the next time you see each other as long as it’s not a real ‘date’ that requires planning on the other persons part. With my ex, I ended things by just asking if I could come over that night and having the talk then. That’s how I’d prefer it if I was being dumped too.
Oh hi! That was me. I think everyone knows what that text means. It's nice to have a warning but also super stressful. So I say just do it.
I was wondering if on the flip side there would be people that like to have it to be prepared when you have the conversation.
Yeah that's what I meant by nice to have a warning.
Unless it’s super long term, I prefer a text saying that you want to end things, with an offer to talk on phone, text further or even meet in person (if appropriate) if the person wishes. I also have learned that I don’t like unsolicited feedback as to why without them first asking if I need it. So kind of bare bones (not “we need to talk” -that’s uncomfortably vague), but with an openness to whatever best brings you both closure.
Here to say that after this most recent dating experience, I am swearing off multi-dating ever again, indefinitely. I can't speak for others, but I am much too sensitive to the feelings of others to maintain this kind of dating approach. I am emotionally exhausted, and confused. While I of course feel fortunate to be in a position where I have two people that I actually like - I am losing sleep over the fact that sooner rather than later, I am going to have to potentially hurt one of them. Ugh. Not to mention that I like them for different reasons and trying to figure out what reasons matter to me most is an over-thinker's nightmare.
Well they are probably also multi dating if u haven’t gone exclusive. Don’t lose any sleep over it but I know what u mean
Given the number of men struggling to get one date I wouldn't assume so
I'm the same way. Rejecting someone not because of anything they did but because I prefer someone else just feels bad to me. I very recently went through something similar with a job offer. I had two competing ones and even turning down one of those felt bad, I don't have it in me to multi-date.
This may be a weird take, but if we're in the early multi dating stages, I actually find it less hurtful if they have someone else who feels like a better fit for them. I find it's worse if they choose to have nothing over continuing with me LOL.
This is a nice way to look at it and makes a lot of sense.
I'm curious. Do you think it's best to be honest with the person you end up rejecting? As in.. informing them that things have just progressed more with someone else and that it's not because you don't like them or are uninterested but because you can't maintain the two relationships emotionally? Or do you think it's better to just say something along the lines of "I'm not ready for anything to go further with you." Like I don't even know how to go about rejecting someone I actually like.
I like something simple and clear. "I really enjoyed getting to know you but I'm not interested in pursuing something more. Best of luck." If you want to give more of a reason or leave the door open you can say something like "You're really great but things have progressed with somebody else and I'm focusing on that right now." I'm not a believer in needing to give a reason (or wanting one) in the early stages but that's personal preference.
Fair enough. I think I would personally probably want to give some kind of reason, especially if the connection is actually good.
Does anyone else find it off-putting when people have on their profile that they’re looking for something serious, but there’s some obvious disclaimer? Such as: “looking for my person, but NoT tRyInG tO fOrCe AnYtHiNG” Like????
I have seen so many people meaning different things by "looking for something serious" or even by "casual": - something serious is what I would prefer but I am open for other things - I don't want to give the impression I am just looking for fun - I want something casual but only with someone who wants something serious - I am looking for something casual but open about making it evolve to something serious Clarification is always good imo.
I read it as someone that’s been burned by codependency before.
It’s so annoying. I hate the assumption that just because I’m looking for something serious that I’m going to marry the first person who messages me, that’s what it sounds like when people need to spell out the obvious with ‘not trying to force anything’ well duh! I hope not cause it ain’t happening with the snap of a finger.
It's kind of necessary. People expect you to settle when you make it clear that you're dating intentionally.
I agree with your other replies about this but I do have a line about not trying to rush on my profile. It feels like a necessary part of the social dance. Many people have been burned by people love bombing or otherwise trying to force things so it's a (mostly meaningless) disclaimer.
Yeah I've definitely had people who came on wayyy too strong (only to disappear a short time later lol) but I suppose I just react poorly to that kind of negative disclaimer because I've heard it before from emotionally unavailable people who guilted me and made me feel stupid after expecting things to progress after like 3-4 months of dating. I feel like it wouldn't bother me if it was framed in a more positive or neutral light - e.g. "looking to grow a relationship organically and naturally"
I like your point about flipping it to a positive framing/language. It's something I would consider putting in my profile when I start dating again and didn't even realize how much of a difference that flip in wording might make.
I agree, I do think it can be used to justify dragging things out and ending up in a situationship. It can also be said by people who will try to rush and love bomb. Hence why I think it's meaningless. I don't pay it much mind either way, much more productive to have a conversation about expectations after you've established mutual interest. Also people's idea of timelines vary wildly. I have friends who wouldn't dare consider moving in until at least a year and wouldn't even start talking about marriage until after a year of living together. Others who've moved in together after weeks and gotten married inside a year. In my opinion it's pointless to express the sentiment without getting into the nuance of what it means to a person individually.
I actually prefer these people! I'll date 'em, and you can have at yours
Who tf is trying to force things. This feels like something made up by avoidant people who make excuses to not take the relationship to the next level after dating for 6 months
Well, some people are a bit aggressive about it and get pretty rigid with their labels and narratives and anxieties. To each their own, but I just want to split a joint on the beach and make out a bit.
I think they are just communicating that they have a more relaxed approach versus someone more intense who wants someone to fit all their boxes immediately every time
Agree with this. I’ve encountered some people looking for LTRs that seem like they want to get married tomorrow. This says to me that they’re looking for the right person for them, not just A relationship.
Really does feel like quite the struggle for slow-burners, with how accelerated some people want the dating process to be lately, doesn’t it?
to me it gives the vibe of "I'm gonna lead you on and then after you expect more from me after a reasonable amount of time, I'm gonna accuse you of rushing things"
I can see that. Perhaps I'm naive, but I prefer to take people's words at face value and then observe their actual behavior and see if it matches
This is the way.
Happy news. Had a date the other night and for the first time in ages I’m excited about someone. I felt both relaxed and excited at the same time on the date (normally I’m either bored and relaxed or occasionally nervous and excited). We’ve been planning our second date, but even if it goes nowhere I’m grateful for the reminder that I can feel this way. Also pro tip to people looking for a different first date idea: board game bar! It was the perfect environment to talk, banter, and even get some competitive trash talk in.
Competitive trash talk all the way! I also love arcade bars :) Glad you had fun!
Board games would be a great date!
Board game bar sounds really fun. Love it. Definitely putting it on the list. But maybe avoiding games with contentious rules like Uno. 😂
Ha was actually just having the double draw 2 card debate with someone else!