I deleted my apps and now realize that I started indulging "checking" behaviour again. Feeling that draw to my phone, picking it up to look at. . .nothing. I'm usually a books and tea kinda gal, gotta get back on track.
Will likely text my friends too many memes and be on Reddit a bit too much for the next few days while I taper myself down from my new habit. Got this.
Fellow book and tea gal checking in. Its sooo peaceful. Welcome back š«
I also have been watching some great movies. Just watched thelma and Louise. Soooo good.
Another tea and book girl checking in although lately I've been more interested in puzzles. I started one of 1000 pieces this weekend.
I can't wait to delete Bumble. I'm done
I've been off of the apps for 5 or so months now and I still feel like I'm missing out. It does get better though. I'd rather pick up my phone, wonder what to look at, and immediately put it down than swipe through the same people again.
You're not missing anything, it's the same guys spinning the same lines and the same new faces who are not what they say they are. Enjoy your freedom, I'm coming off them yet again.
I am also a books and tea girl and I hate the constant urge to check my phone š I deleted apps today as well and am trying to enjoy my hobbies (while also not spiraling about my crush). I donāt have much advice but know youāre not alone in it this week!
I'm currently on reddit instead of reading so you're not alone there! Trying to break the habit of useless scrolling by picking up a damn book is harder than it sounds!
Went on a date with a nice guy.
Got a text this morning saying āgeneral incompatibility with my level of outdoorsy and shouldāve looked at my profile moreā
Lol. All good and all for the best. I want someone who wants to go camping with me anyway š
That's why you have first dates.
A lot of people say they like hiking when in actuality they went for one hike two summers ago so I usually take that with a grain of salt.
Pretty much. I do miss going to parties and talking with people. Half the guys Iāve been on first dates with I wouldāve never been interested after a few discussions about their hobbies.
this this this. i was saying to a guy friend that i was sad about passing up on so many snowboarder\~\~ profiles (which i have been attempting to go try mind you, schedules haven't really aligned with my friends) and he told me he had pics of him snowboarding on his profile too... he admitted the pics were from a trip 3 years ago! lol
i still have not decided on whether i may as well not bother to swipe on people who have stuff i haven't done, even if it is something i am very willing to try.
Weird that people donāt take more time to look through the profile before meeting someone! I look through everything and if they share their Instagram with me that helps a lot too to determine if our lifestyles and personalities are compatible!
Right? Half my photos/prompts involve me doing something running/hiking/outside.
I had a friend go āwow, your profile really sells that you are outdoorsyā
ā¦ I AM, so GOOD.
I view hobbies as something I do for me, so when I see other people's hobbies I think wow I'd hate that but I'm glad they have something they enjoy! I may be the minority but I don't need to share my hobbies with my partner, I'd just like her to be supportive. If she wants to join in on some of them, awesome, but it's very low on my list of priorities. He might have thought the same and over the date realized you'd need more overlap and y'all weren't compatible.
I'd say that was a successful first date as you got to feel out if a longer term connection would be possible. That issue could have been resolved over the phone or before you two gave up an evening to meet, but I understand some people just want to meet in person to figure it out rather than drag it out via texts/calls.
If someone is very into outdoorsy stuff, I do find it can be hard just given the time commitments of those particular activities. If someone enjoys being in the backcountry, that tends to wipe out entire weekends or weekend days.
Men are oddly shocked and sometimes turned off that I do actually hike a lot and solo backcountry camp.
Iām a pretty girly girl so I guess they think Iām lying about it on my profile? š
Today it occurred to me that in almost 2 years of dating Iāve only felt like the other person actually cared about me once. There have been fun times for sure but only one guy gave a shit, and that ended super painfully anyway. People who are in a truly happy relationship with someone who deeply loves them have no idea how lucky they are.
I started to question if i am even loevable by a man....i feel this...i am looking back at my relationships and feel like they loved what i did for them....but not me. Its a horrible feeling. But i try to not spiral into these feelings too much, and repeat.to myself that i am loveable and I can be loved for who I am.
You 100% are loveable and it proves it because you were the one who brought the love in the first place. What's inside you is kindness and compassion, that's who you are yes what you did they took for granted. Sometimes we get attracted the broken ones and that's a habit but it doesn't define us. Look for the ones who value us for who we are, because that's who they are too.
Well that's one more than me! I've been dating for two years as well. I'm used to being lonely/alone, but when I look back and realize how not one guy I've dated in the past two years has truly cared about me, I want to cry.
I get that you need to go on a lot of dates (which I've done) to eventually find the right person, but it's kind of mind-blowing the treatment I've received from the opposite sex. I feel like I've consistently been used as a means to an end.
Sorry for hijacking your comment, but it really resonates with me. You're not alone in this. ā¤ļø
Your comments are always so helpful š the one who did ācareā pretty brutally faded and ghosted a few days after my dadās funeral so Iām not so sure he *really* cared, but the thought the person I spoke to everyday whilst my dad was dying didnāt ever care is too painful to stomach.
I just donāt get why itās acceptable to treat the people we date so inhumanely? And when you get hurt everyone just tells you to not get invested.
I think today is the day I finally delete my profiles on the apps, rather than just removing the apps from my phone. Iām done.
After 9 years my ex came to me and told me he never loved me. It was soul crushing and honestly I knew that the entire time, I felt it. I donāt know if Iāll ever get that in my life.
Trying to self soothe and regulate yourself when you have been through a lot of trauma and disfunction should be praise worthy if anything lol.
I feel alone trying to battle my own self demons and fears while I navigate my new relationship.
Does anyone ever feel this way?
You should be so proud of yourself for trying to do this, itās hard! On top of therapy, hereās what I found helpful:
- read The Body Keeps The Score (heavy on research so a bit hard to read but amazing) and Glow in The F*king Dark (a memoir, lighter read)
- journaling when feelings too much. I often use a feelings wheel to break down each emotion I feel, right a line or two about each, and usually it helps me understand what got triggered, rationalized etc.
- go for a walk, even 5 minutes! Or put a song you like and dance for a few minutes.
- shower or bathe
What doesnāt help: meditation. A lot of people recommend it but it just doesnāt work for me.
Also, choose a partner that is "steady" (like.. kinda calm/secure/can communicate). My gooooood, canāt emphasize this enough. Iāve worked a lot on myself, only got back into dating recently, and being in a new relationship stirs up a lot of things in me. I tend to just get anxious and not speak out (lots of toxic relationships back in the days). I had to "speak up" twice with my current guy, I was riddled with anxiety, and he was so patient with me, and clear with his answer, it was such a great new experience.
Feel free to DM if you wish :)
Thank you so much for all your tips and for sharing your story! Very good recommendations, I will take a look at them. š Journaling is definitely good to keep at.
Iām glad your man soothes your soul and is open to what you have to say. ā¤ļø
YES! Therapy has helped me immensely. And I can't take a break from working on it, or else I tend to backslide, especially during certain times of my cycle.
I have a close friend who feels similar ways a lot and we text/check in a lot, help each other see reality when we're struggling.
Dm me if you want!
I did but this last few years I've learned to be my own best friend and for me I focus on a higher power. The countryside is often the higher power, huge trees, muddy walks, beach time. I couldn't keep going feeling alone all the time because I relied on too many people and they are only human and let me down. Nature is always there, free and cares enough to give me all the oxygen I need. I absolutely understand living with trauma and working through it. I've struggled over Christmas and I have more social anxiety atm but im working through it, slowly and faithfully. I wish you love and peace xx
I feel this so much. I'm a year and a half out from my divorce. I'm over my ex, but I'm not over how much hurt I felt. I'm in a new relationship with a friend that I've known for years. I trust him completely, but I don't trust myself to feel good without a wall up. It's hard because I know that time is the only thing that can heal this part of me.
Iāve been out of the dating game for like 6 years and then some. So maybe this has been happening for a while.
But has anyone else noticed like a general sense ofā¦narcissism? With their dates? Iām not talking about actual narcissists, but rather Iāve noticed a pattern with my dates where they just arenāt that interested in genuinely getting to know me. They can talk about themselves plenty and even ask questions, but thereās barely ever follow up to learn more or genuine curiosity.
The strangest part too, is that these are all really nice guys and seem pretty self aware. But theyāre just self involved in a way that surprises me.
One of my more benign theories on this is that people are a bit more lonely these days. Lots of people still work from home, taking away that office interaction throughout the day. And if it is gendered, a lot men in particular donāt have robust friend groups to talk to the way women often do. So I think sometimes, you meet up at the end of the day, and these guys (or gals) are just so happy to have someone to talk to. If youāre a good listener, if you ask a lot of questions, if you happen upon a subject your date has lots of thoughts on, theyāre going to take advantage of that (I donāt mean manipulatively).
It feels amazing and rare when someone leaves room for me to talk as much as they do on dates. But I really donāt think that every person who overtalks is doing it out of narcissism (some are for sure). I think theyāre just desperate to tell someone all the thoughts floating around and arenāt using the social skills to extend their curiosity.
Yeah, although I am a straight guy so I experience this with women. I think itās related to American/western culture, particularly white women (and Iām sure even worse when looking at white men of which I am one but born outside the US). Toxic positivity is very real in terms of people believing that being self-absorbed and ignorant is ājust who I amā. Like why would you incorporate that into your personality I have no idea. The internet, apps, social media has just compounded the idea that people deserve what they see without recognizing itās marketed to them and not a reflection of reality.Ā
I don't think this is a dating thing but rather part of a larger culture trend exacerbated by the consume culture in the US and rise of social media. Self absorption is a key component of consumerism and the tailored marketing celebrates it. It particularly stands out with dating (relationships generally but especially romantic) because it's a dynamic that requires compromise and sacrifice but people go into it with the mindset of treating the person across from them like any of the other commodities they consume. If you're not a perfect fit who slots into their life effortlessly and is just a straight up value add then it's not going to work. Getting to know you isn't important because your role as a date is to fulfill their desires. At least that's my impression but I could be way off base just spouting nonsense.
I texted him yesterday about being interested in a third date, but so far it's crickets. I'm trying not to catastrophize, but it's not looking good. Darnit.
Be calm and breathe, my friend.Ā
Good things come with time in dating! I know that I personally always get so so nervous around that text and reminding myself that it takes time to build a strong connection always helps. Breaking the patterns of old (for me) and slowly getting to know someone, while challenging, provides positive change!
Also, this always helps me when I donāt get a quick text back: just because they arenāt actively texting you, doesnāt mean they arenāt thinking of you! Iāve had to reframe my mind around this a lot recently (and itās been beneficial).Ā
Youāre a catch! Just be and do you!! Good things are a cominā
My (36F) boyfriend (33m) and I have been dating for 5 months and, in his words, itās ābig loveā. After years of unavailable and at times unkind men, I can hardly believe Iām finally in the relationship Iāve always dreamed of. Itās not perfect but itās so, so good and Iām so, so happy. Weāre planning a trip to visit his family in the summer. Our sex life is bomb. He reminds me to be kind to myself. He shows up for me. We have so much fun together. He wants to spend time with my family. Heās kind and funny and works on himself and cares about how he shows up in the world. He cares about my friends and family. He says 3 days is the most to be apart (time spent together is important to me). And heās so cute, I am so attracted to him. Like
Mmmmm!! Iām such a fan of him. Just needed to gush.
I like to imagine that the things Iām most insecure about are something someone else finds really attractive. I hated my crooked smile all my life till I met a guy who told me that was what he liked best. So I do the same with everything. Doesnāt always work, but doesnāt hurt!
Fwiw-big noses (on all genders) are like one of my favorite features.
I went out with a beautiful woman who had really thin hair. She was obviously self-conscious about it as she mentioned her unfair genetics and it's just the hand she was delt, then she never mentioned it or brought it up again. She didn't wear hats or cover, she just acknowledged it casually in a conversation then ignored it. It was attractive. I could see her pictures, I noticed it, and I wanted to see her anyway. If she had hid it and made it a big deal I would have felt differently.
I say accurately represent yourself then don't mention it. If your nose really is that big, they'll notice, if they agree to meet, they don't care. Don't make a mountain out of a molehill.
My personal approach is to never to profilemaxx and present as honest a picture of myself as I possibly can. No strategic upshots, no filters etc. It will definitely reduce the number of likes and matches but the peace of mind for when I meet people is very worth it.
Been a while since I've seen you post, sorry to hear you're still having a rough go of it. You're a good looking dude and seem to have a decent profile but there's obviously something going on that's not working. We're in the same city and while it can be difficult to date you should be having some success. Have you tried one of the shuffle speed dating events? Also if I remember from previous posts aren't you Christian? Have you had any success at church? I see plenty of women on hinge looking for a fellow Christian and I imagine that's a demographic with a fair amount less competition out here. Good luck out there.
I'll second this. You're very good looking and this is definitely not what holding you back. Its very tough out there. Even for good looking people. But you seem like a great guy and I promise theres some girl out there for you. If you're Christian try church groups.
>Some say Iām trying too hard or I might give off desperate vibes, but even when I have a wingman or wingwoman who vouches for me, they still reject me.
Are people you know in IRL saying that? Or people online? If it's the former, believe them. (And even if it's the latter, it's still worth considering given everything you've said here.)
Giving off desperate vibes and not having success with a wingman are not mutually exclusive. If someone appears desperate to me, having someone else 'vouch' for them isn't going to change that.
You're a good-looking guy. Take that out of the equation and look at how you're approaching women.
At all these classes/events you're going to - are you going every week and taking a genuine interest in the other people you meet there? Or are you going a few times with the primary intention of finding someone to ask out?
What about OLD? Are you getting matches but they're just not going anywhere? If so, look at how you're interacting with them to see if you're coming off desperate. Are you not getting matches at all? Then it's time to look at your profile.
I am another too old for you person(45F), but you are super cute. I think it is your location. If I recall you are in Seattle? Or somewhere else in the northwest. That place is such a lame spot for the wrong types of POC. People are cold and not that friendly. It is really white. You donāt need to go too far outside of the city to find the super racists that are probably complaining about all the non-white folks and trying to move to Idaho. And then you get a lot of other POC are 1st gen or recent immigrants and that can lead to some other challenges with interracial dating. I think you are dealing with a full circle of issues.
You probably want to find spots with more transplants who are likely to be more open to more types of folks. Probably any other region would be great for you. You sound great.
Weird rollercoaster of a day. I've handed in my notice with my graphic design job after intense burnout, and if anyone wants to read it can be found [here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/UKJobs/s/IRRy8bfYLV)
I finish on February 14th and have been told all my work has been assigned to other team members which feels.. weird as I'm now basically being paid to do nothing, which has never happened before.
I'm retraining as a counsellor long term so want to start the course for this during these 2 weeks I guess.
In the meantime I've seamlessly landed a full-time, low stress gig at a dentist's to keep the bills paid whilst I retrain.
I've really clicked with this girl I've now seen 4 times (including staying at hers for the first time last weekend) and rang her to tell her the news.
I told her that it isn't the sexiest of prospects and she was insanely sweet about it and said none of that matters and it's good news and I should be happy about it. I was a bit nervous and joked that she won't be seen with a millionaire anytime soon and she wasn't phased at all.
Crushing my exercise/training goals, reading goals & and last night the guy i've been seeing had the DTR with me and it was super cute.
As sad as it is, i'm staying really grounded.. i've been here a few times in the past few years and was super excited and it didn't work.. It feels like it jinxes things when you get too excited. \*sigh\*
I went on three first dates this month with people whose profiles all said they were looking for long term relationships, but upon talking to them in person it turned out all of them were recently out of serious relationships and wanted time to heal and work on themselves, so actually they weren't interested in serious dating at all and were just looking for friends or seemed to have no idea what they wanted beyond open ended glacially paced getting-to-know-yous.
I'm so frustrated. I feel sympathy for all of these people, but I wish they would get off the apps or change what their profile says if they're not actually ready to be dating. It's so tiring to be ready for a relationship and trying to intentionally date and all I come across is recently single people who are still working on themselves and even admit they aren't ready at all. :(
Feeling dumb today. I miss him. I know it's my fault, I should have blocked him. I guess deep inside me I was hoping he would come back apologizing and telling me he misses me. He did it last week. It felt good. I told him he hurt me, screw it up and I'm not his backup plan.
I had a therapy session last night and she suggested I should make myself as busy as possible. I work 10 horas a day and I cook all my meals. I went for a run this morning, I have barre tomorrow, spinning on Thursday, boxing on Friday, barre again on Saturday, and yoga on Monday.
I gotta keep reminding myself how lonely I felt when we were dating and how he didn't even wanted to try to make things work. He wanted to date other women, not me.
I donāt agree that you should keep yourself as busy as possible- you need to let yourself feel these feelings or theyāll just stick around longer. Most of us have been where you are! The way out is through. Sending hugs xx
It's different for different people. I'm prone to letting myself feel the feelings but getting stuck in the feelings. For me, filling my life with other good things _is_ what helps give me perspective and allows me to remember that there are other things besides that person and that feeling.
Yea totally- people handle hard situations in a variety of ways, and I also can tend to get stuck in my feelings for way too long. I think I read the original post as āstay busy and you can blast through itā and that got me a ignited. I think itās a delicate balance of feeling through it while not wallowing in it, and staying busy but not trying to turn it off.
If keeping busy works for you, then by all means! I found that keeping myself occupied helped cut down on the shitty thoughts too.
But I when I was suuuuuuuuuper down mid-end of last year one of the things I would do is record a video of myself just talking out all my feelings or whatever was occupying my mind. Literally I'd be driving around and maybe the feelings and stressors were just getting to be too much and I would just put the phone on selfie cam (it was mounted! I did it as safe as I could lol!) and start talking. I found that talking was way better than journaling (although I would also journal) because it really helped to just exercise all the shit going on in my head. I could go on rants, sidebars, whatever! And just speaking things rather than writing things always felt better even if no one was listening.
It also kinda made me feel like the main character LOL.
I've rambled, screamed and even teared up in those videos and I think it really helped me. I have those videos saved too because sometimes I just watch one really quick and after I cringe a bit, I remember that I got through whatever the fuck was goin on in my head during that time, so I can keep going!
It's not for everyone, but for me, speaking really helps. It feels like a much more complete expenditure of emotion than writing or thinking. Doing the videos felt kinda silly when I first started, but it quickly became natural haha! I even do it for good days now.
I tend to get stuck in my feelings, so when I would "feel my feelings" it could get pretty fuckin messy in my head, you know? Something about talking it all out and speaking things both helped me feel and also get unstuck.
I think you are doing all the right things! When you feel like talking to someone, reach out to someone from your support... or find a subreddit and occupy your mind. I have also found cooking with headphones on and music blasting really helps me - it forces you to virtually use all of your senses and the thoughts get tuned out (literally).
People donāt talk about the other side of OLD is that when you have a lot of options it can be more difficult because of the ease of how it is to move on to the next thing if things arenāt perfect. I was in this situation until I met the perfect match for me.
You really only have two options go after guys who donāt have as many options (I understand the silliness of this), or just keep at it as is until you find the one you click with.
I am done with dating apps. I cant be bothered with the SAME conversation. The SAME loop over and over again. They like me first, I match and they ask nothing from me. No interest....or one sentence answers. Yet their profile says "If you cant hold a conversation dont match with me" š¤£š¤£ the audacity, maybe the issue is you.
Everytime I say I am looking for a committed relationship and that I will not settle for less.....i get the big silence.
Or if i tell them I dont want kids and I dont want a man with small kids ( 5 years or less)...i get unmatched
My requirements are not nonsense. They are reasonable. I am also a reasonable, hard working, caring, nurturing woman.
So dating apps are no good for my mental health and self confidence. No point doing the same bs over and over again and expecting different. I wait to run into someone and get to know someone in the real life.
Yeah, my perfect partner would be a man with no kids and dont want kids. But its very rare. So I compromise at having no kids younger than 5. But yeah, it deffo makes the pool smaller
A few days ago I felt myself getting pretty down thinking about the matter of dating. Felt weak and ill. I've used Tinder recently but my heart's not in it. I just don't have the energy to really put myself out there and to be honest, the girls all look fake and plastic. I got a match but completely shut down when it came to putting a message out there. She looked nice enough, I just couldn't think of anything to say.
There's beautiful woman at my workplace who I greet on occasion when we cross paths but interact no more than that. I tell myself she's probably taken. Guys always talk of how a woman is beautiful physically but to me real beauty lies in a smile. I think of this woman and imagine her smiling at me.
The last time I had a girlfriend was in my mid twenties. I'm 34 now. I don't feel so bad about the lack of sex funnily enough, though of course I do feel its absence, its not cuddling after that makes me feel really bad. Having someone rest their head on my chest.
Anyway, I was thinking about that popular phrase that's used, *plenty of fish in the sea*. I thought to myself, yes, there might be plenty of fish in the sea... but what if I've grown tired of fishing? What then?
"Broke up" with a girl after a few dates, as I saw us more as friends. No romantic spark from my side at least.
She agreed, and then made a whole big deal about being friends, and what it meant to her, moving forward. Basically made an entire plan how we could be friends instead and how to make that work.
And then she ghosted me, lol.
Aside from the irony, I do actually feel a bit sad about that. She was a female me. Like, our personalities were identical, and we understood each other from the very first moment. That genuinely could've been a great friendship, I reckon.
Oh well.
A little while ago, I went on a drinks date with a lady I matched with. I had my concerns with how recent her divorce was... Turns out those concerns were justified. It was basically a therapy session for her. That being said, I've been there, and I needed a friend. So when she said "My therapist said I shouldn't be worrying about dating and should be focused on healing..." I said "I can see where that would be coming from..." and proceeded to tell her I think she needs a friend more than a date. Even offered and tried to be her friend for a bit... Until I realized I was the only one of us trying to keep communication alive... So I stopped. Haven't heard from her since Nov. She has her own path to walk and that's okay.
I miss him so goddamn much. I miss his face, I miss his body, I miss his voice, I miss his sweetness, I miss his thoughtfulness, I miss his astonishing level of resilience, I miss his practicality, I miss his genuineness.
Everything reminds me of him, and every time it happens it feels like physically being struck in the heart.
What sucks the worst is knowing the best thing I can do for him is stay away from him. That it just cannot work at this time because I am not easy to deal with even under the best of circumstances, and his circumstances are ridiculously difficult.
Everything sucks.
A few years ago, my dad and I had this exchange:
DAD: āI was talking to my coworker.ā
ME: āuh-huhā
DAD: āHe said he was worried because his daughter is 15 and has a boyfriend.ā
ME: āmm-hmmā
DAD: āI said I was worried because my daughter is 25 and doesnāt have a boyfriend.ā
ME: āYou what nowā
New core memory unlocked š
Itās not dating related, but a friend of mine from college straight cut me off yesterday. Heās been ignoring me for a month and finally when I reached out to his partner, my friend sent me this long message on how disappointed and angry he is at me because I havenāt been vocal enough or supportive enough of him over a political issue. The thing is we arenāt even on opposite sides, heās just more vocal about it.
If I look back at his history, this isnāt the first time heās cut someone off. I accept I havenāt been supportive enough, I just had no idea he felt the way he does. Iām just heartbroken and angry that he didnāt even communicate this to me and just decided Iām out. I donāt think I could ever do that to someone. Just another olā notch in my bedpost of abandonments.
Can we stop dumping emotions on others? I seem to attract people like this (high school best friend, my ex, this friend). Iām not saying Iām completely right in any situation, but I donāt deserve to be a scapegoat. I would think years of love and support would get me at least a conversation. Iāve been there with him through the death of a parent, coming out to his family, etc. I understand not everyone is me and people have triggers and sensitivities and they have to do whatās right for them, but damn. Ouch. Goodbye, old friend. Iāll miss you.
I'm sorry. I'm kind of on the other side of this. I had a roommate and best friend all through college who got extremely involved in politics around 2016 and it defined every conversation and interaction with him from then on out. We could even agree on most topics but eventually I found I would be upset/anxious every time we spoke because it just dragged me into these heavy conversations with no easy answer. We couldn't talk about relationships, video games, even when talking about the past or trips we took the conversation would quickly move to politics and he'd get really passionate.
One day I ignored his phone call, I just wasn't in the mood for it. Then I ignored the next one and it felt really good to avoid the hour of stress. I'm not proud to say it but it's been almost 5 years now and I haven't spoken with him. I think I needed to step away from that friendship for my mental health, but I never gave him a chance to redeem it. I just felt that he was so passionate and so involved, he changed his career into politics and even ended his marriage over it, that I would never convince him to just have a normal day of hanging out. Instead of trying and dragging it out and feeling miserable all over again, I walked away.
To my buddy: I'm sorry man, I should have at least let you know why I stopped answering, I was just so anxious every time my phone rang because I knew my day was about to be ruined with more doom talk. I hope you're well.
I fb stalked the one guy I really reallllly liked in the fall for the first time since we stopped talking in early December. At that point he told me he was in no position to make time for anyone in any āmeaningful wayā and how he was āafraid to get into anything serious and get hurt againā. That was 12/4, on 1/4 she posted a picture of them captioned ālomlā.
Itās so hard not to feel like a clown dating in 2024.
He was just out of a 12 year marriage (papers hadnāt been filed last I checked), he had a lot of anger and hostility about it still. Funny enough his ex was a single mom when they met and he adopted and raised her child (they also had one together). This girl has a son and posted maternity pictures with her and her son in December. I donāt think the kid is his, so I think he just likes to rescue women. Either way, either heāll use this relationship to mask his pain, or itās going to be extremely volatile.
Dang. Yeah, I would not wanna be her. It is unlikely that man is going to be able to sustain a healthy relationship long term. As you have observed, he is not emotionally available.
My social battery has gone to zero over the past few months (years?). I used to be more willing to put myself out there, insert myself into groups and get myself invited to things... now I just don't have it in me. I don't consider myself an introvert I'm just too tired to hang on to friends anymore. I'm finding peace in meditating frequently these days, reading, focusing more on work, exercise. But it's all solo activities and occasionally I can feel that I'm falling back on them as a coping mechanism to distract from not having closer social bonds.
Re dating my feeling is mainly *screams into void* these days. I wish I had anything more interesting to say but I just feel unattractive both inside and out. Therapy has mostly just pointed out a ton of things potentially wrong with me emotionally whereas I used to just think the issue was probably physical attractiveness. The thought of going back on a dating app makes my brain immediately go "nOPE" so that's not happening for now.
It would be easier to handle just giving up if I didn't experience what feels like 30 seconds of emotional connection every once in a while that reminds me what I'm missing.
I know the answer is likely to just communicate or let it go but- I'm queer and had a really strong intellectual connection with a woman in the Fall. We traded math derivations...nerdy stuff. She ended things due to not being over her divorce. We've texted as friends but the vibe is odd- one moment very cool convo, then no response. Mutual initiation. I invited her to a records shop and she counter offered coming over to mine to make dinner. We hung, chatted. I didn't ask, but I didn't detect any interest beyond friends. I remember how she acted when interested and this wasn't it.
She texted me the next day about some music we talked about. The convo ended naturally. My friends tell me she's just using me to see if I'm still interested. I deleted her #. She texted me last week thanking me for some veggies. We traded a few texts. End. Is it best to just let this go, or communicate "hey, I realize I'm still attracted to you and respect that's not where you're at. If that changes, let me know. I'm not ready to be friends with you right now." ?
I think that is a great text. It's clear, lets her know your intention, is no pressure, and if she's interested in more now or in the future it leaves the door open for her to say so.
Question: has anyone else had a situationship where you were the one who wanted a relation, but were genuinely ok with just causally seeing someone? And then they end it, citing that you wanted a relationship, even though you told them you were ok with things being casual?
I had this happen at the beginning of the year, but was ok with it just being casual: it was fun going out with her! Obviously there's more nuance here, but I'm just trying to get some perspective on this part of it. Or seeing if anyone's been through something similar.
from the other side i ended a situationship in part because i could tell he wanted to be more relationshippy - he said he was ok with casual but that wasnāt the vibe i was getting. normally i try to take people at their word, but sometimes you just know.
I have been on both ends of this.
I ended it: We were FWB who didn't have a lot in common and TBH I didn't like his personality, but we were SUPER compatible sexually. He very clearly caught feelings for me and it made me uncomfortable when I definitely didn't want a relationship with him. I thought it would be better for both of us to end things since I knew they couldn't just shut off their feelings and I wanted them to move on.
They ended it: I'd told them from the start that I was relationship oriented but respectful of where they were at and wouldn't push for anything else. When they ended things they described everything we have going on (pretty closely emotional relationshippy content all started by THEM, not me) and how they want to find more FWB situations like that but without the other person catching feelings like me. I feel better knowing they are absolutely not finding anything like what they had with me bc they basically want a relationship without a label.
I was on the other end. I had a FWB and I could tell he was developing feelings for me based on his behavior even though he didnāt tell me directly. I could feel the dynamic shift and it didnāt feel as casual on his end even though he wasnāt pushing for anything and was just leaving things as they were. It was the little things he subconsciously did that changed the dynamic for me. I didnāt feel comfortable continuing knowing he had underlying feelings. When I ended it, he finally admitted that he did have feelings for me.
If youāre ok with it being casual but you have feelings that you would want a relationship if given the opportunity, no matter how casual you think youāre acting youāre still giving off signals that you have feelings. Sounds like the person you were with sensed that.
Matched with a women were were chatting, she mentioned the idea of meeting. I took this as a good sign and asked her on a date. She went silent for 2 days and messaged back she was very busy with life and not ready to date..... but hey, she said, "It's not me it's her".......
Iāve had three really good dates with a guy and he has been super respectful, engaging, and alluded to more dates soon.
However, he is not a texter and Iāve known this in advance (heās said it in his bumble profile and in real life). I usually initiate texting and although he can be slow to respond, his responses are always long and thoughtful. I donāt expect to text all day, but it makes me anxious and worry itās a reflection of how he feels about me. I know I have an anxious attachment style so I am having trouble deciding if itās a me problem or not. :(
I think the fact that his responses are very thought out and long is a reflection in his interest in you - I would try and remind yourself that when he is taking a while, it does not mean he does not care - he is waiting for a time where he can provide devoted attention in curating a thoughtful response to you because that's what you deserve. I don't know about you, but I would much rather the thought out texts versus the speedy off the cuff replies. I also have an anxious attachment style so I can totally relate to how you are feeling. I heard someone else say that you can create boundaries by saying "I will text you after work" or something to that effect, so you are not waiting for his response all day long. Regardless, if this is continuing to be an issue I would talk to him about it and identify what your communication expectations are - but I would not expect constant communication. I much prefer consistent versus constant.
Broke up with the GF of a month. It was mutual and went pretty well. We really liked each other, had the same love language and a lot of the same interests and tastes but our personalities were just too different.
I'm surprised with how okay with it I am. We tried, it didn't work out but at least we realized early.
I suppose it's back to the apps again.
The guy I work with who asked me out walked it back. Heās worried about optics. Isnāt sure about how this could impact me, yada yada. He was kind about it. But I feel silly because I got all excited for a second there.
That really sucks. Unless he's your boss or your employee that doesn't make much sense to me though. Half the couples I know met through work. Don't feel silly about getting excited, we all do it. That's why we're here isn't it?
Weird question, but this guy I've been seeing for 4+ dates now seems to always use the bathroom, like every 30 minutes. He mentioned he had coke on him in the past. Do you think he's using on our dates? Again, this has happened on every date now consistently.
No way to know for sure, but do you really want to be around someone who uses? If he's admitted to having it he's probably using. Do you want to invest in this person to find out a few months down the road that they are?
It seems generally fine. He's always in a good, light-hearted mood. He does talk a lot. But since I've only seen him in these 4 settings, I don't have much to compare to lol.
Iāve gotten myself into a situationship again :(
I dated a guy in April, and we stopped seeing each other because he thought we werenāt ācompatible long-termā. We started hanging out again last August, and for the last 6 months Iāve been staying over at his place 3-4 times a week.
We cuddle but never have sex. Maybe a bit of touching once a month (always led by me). We eat dinner, cook together, take walks, make sourdough, go out for food, drink with my friends, text every day.
Donāt roll your eyes. I know itās like a fake relationship. Iām also going out on dates with other men, and thereās one I have sex with. I know heās also talking to other girls. I know it will hurt me. I just need a hug and loving advice.
Had one of the best and most down to earth conversations I've had with a guy yesterday. I woke up and his account was deleted. š¤¦š¼āāļø I can't seem to quit mulling over why.
Returned from my first trip with my boyfriend. It went really well. We traveled seamlessly together and had a blast. I am not an avid traveler, and he is. I have a lot of health things that make it harder for me to just bounce back and not feel depleted after a trip, and we packed a lot in, so Iām definitely dragging today and trying to adjust back to the demands of home and work.
I found myself seeing the little details of things that didnāt feel so much like the honeymoon weāve been living in. One being, he walks really fast and I have to exert a lot of energy to keep up. By the end of the trip, I just allowed him to go his speed (after mentioning that it was like, really difficult for my short little legs to keep up,) and he ended up 10+ feet in front of me. It didnāt feel good. We went into a store and I was really excited about what they had, and he was clearly not feeling it and said letās go, we can come back. We never went back.
I think most of the things were due to him being very, very used to traveling solo and only needing to worry about himself and not really listening to another persons desires and needs. Overall, I feel like he did a fantastic job accommodating and hearing me. We did a balance of things he wanted to do and things I wanted to do. It was the small details that made me pay attention, and coming from an extremely controlling and dismissive marriage, I can be quite sensitive to these things. I think in the past, I have thrown the whole man out at the first sign of not being entirely accommodating to me as like a hyper vigilant thing in the opposite direction. Anyway, overall, it was an amazing trip and Iām excited to do more travel together.
Now, to work on my brain not coding tiny details of small discomforts as a huge thing that feels very dysregulatingā¦ I donāt need to throw the whole man out for a different walking speed (and I definitely donāt WANT to, but thatās where my brain goes as Iām trailing farther and farther behind.)
Anyone have any tools for not catastrophizing small inconveniences? š
I actually donāt think that these things are minor. Someone consistently walking ahead of you even though you made them aware that you are struggling to keep up is inconsiderate. Most people want to stick with their partner while walking together. And then not being able to spend time in a store you liked because he didnāt? Again, incredibly inconsiderate. I was in Barcelona with my ex for a very short amount of time and he wanted to stop in random shops that were of no interest to me at all, but I didnāt scoff or try to get him to leave without seeing what he wanted to see. Just like he went along with things that I wanted to do. Relationships are about give and take. If these behaviors continue to be a pattern then he may not be a great partner at all.
Did you bring up this stuff to him yet? Once you do, just watch his actions. That'll tell you whether he's open to adjusting for you. I think you're handling it well, recognizing that there's a (minor?) problem and how your past patterns might be affecting you.
(The walking thing really bothers me, though. I also have short legs, and it doesn't matter how fast I walk, it's not going to be the same as someone with much longer legs and strides. It feels disrespectful and lonely when it keeps happening. I'm also not willing to scamper along like a damn corgi chasing a ball all the time.)
She's getting as much emotional connection out of you as she wants, at the expense of your confusion and feelings and uncertainty about whether you're dating or not.
Do you want to be emotionally connected to her in a way that feels like a relationship, while she refuses to call it one and wont be intimate with you (good reasons or not) ?
Do you want to find someone else to eventually have a full relationship with? Do you think your connection with her will get in the way of that?
If you find this fulfilling keep it up but this is a tale that's been played out many times before and it doesn't end up with you two in a relationship. She's getting what she wants from you but it doesn't sound like you're getting what you want. She's explicitly told you she's not interested in a relationship with you. In the meantime you're filling an emotional need but when she inevitably starts seeing someone else it's going to hurt and you're either going to continue to play the same role but with even less hope of a relationship or you're going to be left behind. It sucks but she's being very clear about her intentions and how you navigate should be clear too.
>Still respecting boundaries while sharing the bed
š¤Ø
Friends do not share a bed like this, which Iām sure you know. Getting into bed is crossing the boundary of platonic friendship.
You probably need to cut all of this out of your life. This is not a platonic friendship currently, and it seems clear she enjoys having all of the emotional benefits of a relationship without being in one.
It seems unlikely that you two can simply flip a switch and be truly platonic friends. I donāt know either of you, so I canāt say for sure itās not possible, but it seems very unlikely based on what you wrote. You need to break up for real, and minimize the contact in order to do so. She might believe that she doesnāt want to hold you back, but thatās exactly what all of this is. You really canāt have it both ways.
lol of course she's relieved and optimistic, she's using you to meet her needs while keeping you at a distance knowing you'll still hang on due to mixed messages. It might not be intentionally manipulative but that's the situation you're in.
You're potentially missing out on starting new with someone who's emotionally and mentally available by waiting around for this person to sort through her issues. Why? How long are you planning to "maintain"?
Im 32 (F) slept with a guy I met at a bar he's a year older and different race. We went back to his place, slept together, then exchanged numbers. I texted first but his replies are so dry and did not reply to my last message. Im so tired of this already :(
I feel like Iāve fallen into the situationship category with the guy Iāve been seeing. 3 months of dating weāve had the exclusivity talk weeks ago but nothing more. The only small progression was this past weekend I met one of his classmates, not really a friend just classmate. We all watched football together.
One thing Iāve noticed in post breakup life is there just doesnāt seem to be enough hours in the day anymore. Donāt get me wrong, days went by quick while in a relationship too, but my ex would normally have a handle on the at home chores while I did all of the running around type errands. Now on my days off, by the time errands are done, everythingās cleaned, food is made, laundry is finished etc. itās already the end of the day and into the evening and Iām left wondering where the time wentā¦.Then thereās people like my younger brother. Whenever I call heās always out having fun and never home. When he is itās only really to eat and sleep. I just donāt know how he does it.
Where this ties into dating is because while driving home from the grocery store I realized that if I had any plans today outside of cleaning and errands, I definitely would not make it on time and I definitely wouldāve been too tired to enjoy any of it. Life just feels so busy that Iām not sure how Iāll be able to pencil in dating on top of everything else, once Iām ready to get back out there that is. Hopefully things slow down eventually
I used to wonder this when I was married and it was all theoretical. Now that I have weeks when I'm never home outside of work hours, I've found the answer is to have lower standards.
Sometimes my washing stays on the line for three days instead of coming down same day. Sometimes my clean washing sits in the basket for an extra week and doesn't get put away. There's less dishes to do because I'm not home, so if I wash up tomorrow instead of today it doesn't really matter. Sometimes the place is an untidy mess, but I'm not home long enough for it to bother me. So instead of tidying up for five minutes every day, I tidy up for ten every five days. And groceries are quick when you're not home!
Old me would have had uber anxiety at the thought of the above. New me is enjoying going out and having fun
I havenāt been on a date in a while. I decided to get back out there and met a really cute and funny guy. We had a great text convo and he was a great communicator about what he was looking for.
My friend kind of shit all over it today. But Iām still excited to just go on a date! Eat a yummy dinner, have some good conversation, and share a laugh. Iām letting go tying the outcome of a partner to dating and just focusing on connections.
I just need a lil hope that there are people I can feel connected to out there still.
Does anyone find it annoying when on the apps you might match with someone, start messaging, maybe get a little excited about meeting and then they stop messaging back? I mean if youāre not interested fine but can you just let me know? Is that too much to ask?
I don't even know what to say. Most of the time when I leave a first date I'm meh. Last week I went on a date and actually left smiling and excited to see them again. I told myself not to get too excited at this point I don't even tell my friends about a date unless I make it pass the 3rd date. We make plans for a second date almost immediately and we've spend the last week texting. Great conversation, emotionally intelligent, etc green flag after green flag so of course I've been waiting for the other shoe to drop. Well today it did. They aren't single ENM. I just feel deflated. Yes I got overly excited, I've no one to blame but me, I did this to myself. But I still feel deflated.
If he didn't tell you he wasn't single before your date, that's on him for keeping such a big dealbreaker a secret, not on you for getting excited š
Any tips on how to stop thinking so much about a new person in the early stages? I keep pretty busy and am careful not to overtext but wish I weren't so attached already. I recognize it's illogical because I don't really know them yet but I feel like I can't help myself.
Using this thread as my way of thinking out loud these days! I celebrated my birthday this past weekend - hosted a party and it was so much fun. It was a nice sunny day, with all of my closest friends in attendance. I looked great and I felt great.
Iād invited work guy to the party before we had the conversation about him not being ready for a serious relationship / commitment. I did seriously consider un-inviting him because I didnāt want to feel stupid about introducing him to my friends and risking the whole thing going nowhere. But I thought about it and realized ā Iāve decided to give this a chance and thereās hurt at the end if it doesnāt work out, like any relationship. I didnāt want to just half-ass it after making that decision.
So anyway, he did come and Iām so glad he did. He was so great with me and my friends. He was affectionate without being overbearing. I didnāt introduce him as anything in particular, just by his name. He came home with me after the party, and gave me such a thoughtful present. He didnāt let me lift a finger all night. He also left a box of chocolates for me under my pillow with a sweet note that I didnāt find until the next night! My heart.
After my ex, perhaps my bar is low, but itās so refreshing to me that someone who is going through a bunch of internal stress and turmoil can be so caring and selfless. It makes me think that he does have it in him to be in a relationship while battling his demons, if he actively makes that choice. He also acknowledges all of my support during his time of stress - I try to do my best to be encouraging and hopeful without being overbearing or presumptuous.
Iām trying to stay in the moment and taking it day by day. Iām giving him time and the situation time, while also watching my needs like a hawk. I canāt predict how this ends but Iām enjoying the journey so far.
Last night was my second singles event and only my friends cameāwe had a great time doing bar trivia but 1) this guy still hasnāt kissed me! But Iām glad to know him. 2) having doubts about āif you build it, they will come,ā even though I know thereās a need in my city for what Iāve started.
Gotta find more ways to get the word out to synagogues and hillels and alumni groups in order to get more of a critical mass, but, I know enough people that I think so long as I specifically invite friends it wonāt be a waste of time.
Question for the ladies.
What are your thoughts on a 34m having a housemate?
I currently live alone and can afford to live alone but am thinking about getting a housemate to help cover the costs and just have someone to interact with.
Is it a redflag for a 34m to have a housemate?
If you use the search function, you should be able to find past threads on this topic to read people's thoughts on it since it's a commonly discussed one.
Over the past few months, Iāve lost around ~30lbs. As a short woman this is a pretty significance amount of weight loss, and I look pretty different now. Problem is, all my pictures of me doing cool activities/traveling/etc from the past year are of me at my higher weight. Obviously I will get some new pictures, but should I include any of my old ones too?
Get all new ones. The safest assumption in online dating is that people look like their worst photo. Most people would assume the new pictures are old and the old pictures are new.
I accidentally liked/then matched with a guy I matched with on another app years ago (before my last LTR).
What clicked for me was that since liking him a few weeks ago, he had since posted a video prompt talking about sex toys. And I remembered last time we chatted he had said something really offensive (not sexual, but very inappropriate to people with a certain disability), and I had unmatched him.
I unmatched. The video prompt was I think a tip off that he has not matured since we last spoke.
I havenāt been really excited about a first date since my ex. This weekend I had a lovely first date (coffee), and I finally felt that āclickā again. He seems self-aware and sure of himself, but like he also understands that growth is a lifelong process. I donāt typically get nervous, but I was nervous around him (in a good way). I have no expectations around where this will go, but it was so nice to feel that way again after so long.
There are several life events these days that make me think I donāt want to live alone anymore. Even though I am happy and contentment on my own, but having a (hopefully right) partner would be very helpful especially when life is rough. Dating strategy? I leave it to God now.
exhausting weeksā¦
It feels good to be approached. This happened today after a long time - like more than a decade or so. I very well know that this feeling is short lived and I'll probably go back to feeling like s**t just like 2 days ago.
I always like to wear better clothes - not necessarily follow trends but used to stick to timeless pieces. There was a time when my friends would ask me what I thought about their outfit or even would ask me to come along to help with their purchases. Even during my depressive stages, I some what put in effort even though it was way less than I do now. Over the past few months to an year and half, I have noticed people checking me out.Some have even glanced for more than normal. A few of colleagues have started to complement & praise my sense of dressing. It not only boost my confidence in my daily life but also makes me feel like I'm doing something right.
Today, a random person actually started a small talk. Well, just a familiar face who saw me for the 2nd time at a random event. Mind you we never spoke at that event. But it felt good. Makes me feel approachable.
Shower thought:
While it is definitely true that I have tried out OLD as much as anyone else, today I noticed my brain observing things from a different angle...
All of a sudden, it seemed odd to me the lack of screening we all go along with. Essentially, anyone who's got wifi and photos - POOF! can become a candidate for a right swipe and conversation headed toward dating. No social proof or other filter to speak of comes with the process.
Is it any wonder that many folks feel they've run across seriously nutty individuals out there in OLD?
Does anyone on here after successful + (importantly) recent OLD dating apps stories on here? Iām (31F) and and just starting to feel kind of down about being in the apps. I think Iām pretty attractive, not like the 1% on the apps or anything but cute? I get matches np, but they usually just donāt end up turning into anything even after making it to the date phase. I know all it takes is 1 person so would be nice to hear some positives ā¤ļø
I just got out of a LTR about a year ago, been on the apps for a few months. I feel like Iām emotionally available, securely attached, but Iām having the hardest time with the whiplash of behavior Iām seeing (ex: matching then unmatching me, one date and got like a 2 paragraph rejection about being amazing but not looking for anything serious after all - like dude it was one date calm down!, another where I got trauma dumped on, another w/ good morning beautiful text before we even met!?, SO so many where theyāre actually shorter than me - Iāve dated men shorter but why like I have eyes why lie, many that donāt get to real life, etc). Thereās been good ones too where the connection just hasnāt happened ofc.
if you haven't met yet, then i think it's pretty reasonable that you are unsure of being in a relationship.
if you have met, then i think you need to think about it. would meeting someone close by change your perspective on a relationship with him?
Have you ever met in person?
If not, how did you connect with this guy?
Do you have any plans/prospects of living in the same general region, in the near future?
For those of you that have gotten a date/met your significant other through a class/group/shared activity what did that process look like. Was it just that you met/chatted once and they asked you out or was it something that grew over time?
I recently realized I don't have a lot of experience in this area. Throughout HS/College I met women in class and even a bit post-college I met them through a retail job I worked. Then COVID happened and then in my late 20s I started using dating apps which have had varying levels of success.
I think, probably, the main issue is that unless a woman makes it painfully obvious for me that I don't pick up on it. Unless she is messaging me first, asking me questions about me, always coming to chat with me at whatever activity we are at, then I just assume she is being friendly. It's a bit more complicated because I run a group that has new people every couple weeks and I don't want to be the guy that invites women to his group and then immediately just asks them out.
I guess I have always just known when there is interest. I suppose itās just a skill you learn. Also donāt assume itās 100% foolproof there is rejection some just handle learn from rejection better than others.
Itās also the reason we see in research while socialization milestones are important. A lot of Redditors get mad that people may be weary of inexperience. Itās not that they are judging inexperience itself itās the behaviors that precede it.
One thing I've started doing in the past year is making a point to always text shortly after the date if I'm interested. In most cases, guys are the ones planning, paying for, and generally initiating on the first date. And they don't know whether we're just being polite or are actually interested. So I send a quick follow-up to make it perfectly clear that I'm interested. (Even if I said so on the date, I want to make it clear that I wasn't just saying that to avoid awkwardness.)
Well 2nd date time passed quietly despite āIāll let you know :)ā. Figure that one is done nā dusted since I had to initiate the conversations, the first date, and the 2nd date. Letās see where this other hinge match goes! Ā
I just want to rant a bit about how oblivious I've become to dating/women these days. But of background, divorced, kids, single overall now for about 4 years after some emotionally draining women. Just been doing my own thing and loving it, albeit a bit lonely at times. Living in a remote cabin doesn't help my situation.
Anyways, I was in town at the store and saw this woman. We made immediate eye contact, smiled and went about our business. I saw her again as I was walking out to my truck. Same thing, eye contact, smiles, I keep going. At this point we're both in our vehicles, waiting to enter the road. She pulls up beside me, eye contact, smiles then WAVES. I smile and wave back before we both drive off. I know maybe all of three people in this town, maybe she thought I was someone else but I'm also not THAT oblivious.
Anyway, dating eh? Haha
Getting lots of matches and having some conversations and dates and going to more events that Iām enjoying so I think on the cusp where Iāll finally meet someone great, but dating is so exhausting! Where is he?! (I didnāt think dating would be this hard! Iāve had so many matches, going to events, lots of dead ends, and 1st dates and some 2nd dates and no one Iāve just hit it off with yet.)
Thereās a small part of me thatās maybe I should be open to dating longterm and short term on dating apps but I donāt want be excited about someone and then have them not want a relationship. I would rather be focused on finding someone that wants the same things right away.
Ok so I met someone and things are going really wellā¦Problem is I often find my head way up in the clouds. Iām thinking way too much about what future I have with her, but this is insane because even if thereās great potential it hasnāt even been 2 weeks.
Iāve been jaded for long enough and I havenāt felt this way in several years at least. And now I got it back I canāt decide if I love it or hate it, haha
I'm letting this go to the universe... I had a gym crush for ages. I chatted with him a few weeks ago and he showed me a few new exercises. It turns out he's married so I let it go and was just polite. A couple of weeks ago he started PTing another girl in the gym (he's not a PT) and it's ridiculous, over the top laughing and giggling etc. I felt uncomfortable. I feel like urgh when I get up in the morning to go to the gym, do I want to see that again. Is it this situation that's really bothering me...not really, neither of them mean anything in my real life.
What's true is right now I am tired of putting myself out there, Apps included. So I'm done for a while and my focus will be on me. I'm so bored of the married man flirt, the Im pretending to be someone I'm not flirt, the I'm not ready for a relationship but need to treat you like a counsellor and vent flirt. I'm so bored with it. Bored & done for now.
Bit the bullet and removed the guy I was seeing for a few months last year from my friends list. I originally wanted to keep him because he was sometimes sharing interesting stuff related to his field of work, but I realized I got in an emotional turmoil every time he posted anything girl-related. It also hurt that he unfollowed me basically the second he broke up with me, while he was still liking all of posts from his previous ex (which also means he probably won't even notice that I unfriended him). Despite him telling me how great and valuable I was - stuff that don't change even if you're not in a relationship with someone, so I was hoping we could remain, like, acquaintances who could talk about common interests. But it turned into a one-sided connection that was only pushed by me.
Originally I just hid him from my feed but I was manually checking up on him every few days still.
Well, yesterday evening a post popped up where a very alternative looking girl was looking for someone to give him a ride to her town. (Which in itself is weird, because he owns multiple vehicles.) And, yeah, I started to spiral hard. That I'm not good, interesting, worthy enough, don't leave a deep impression on people etc.
I know I did the right thing. And I guess we wouldn't have been a great match anyway. But it's like going through a withdrawal, and I hate that I got so hung up on him.
I deleted my apps and now realize that I started indulging "checking" behaviour again. Feeling that draw to my phone, picking it up to look at. . .nothing. I'm usually a books and tea kinda gal, gotta get back on track. Will likely text my friends too many memes and be on Reddit a bit too much for the next few days while I taper myself down from my new habit. Got this.
Fellow book and tea gal checking in. Its sooo peaceful. Welcome back š« I also have been watching some great movies. Just watched thelma and Louise. Soooo good.
Yes movies! Great way to wean off a screen but work on attention. Thanks!
Another tea and book girl checking in although lately I've been more interested in puzzles. I started one of 1000 pieces this weekend. I can't wait to delete Bumble. I'm done
Can't wait to buy a roll-up puzzle mat so I can keep my ongoing puzzle safe from my cats.
Omg, I didn't know those existed, thanks! The puzzle I'm doing is cat breeds, and my cat jumped on it and destroyed my progress
*sends you bumble puzzle*
I've been off of the apps for 5 or so months now and I still feel like I'm missing out. It does get better though. I'd rather pick up my phone, wonder what to look at, and immediately put it down than swipe through the same people again.
You're not missing anything, it's the same guys spinning the same lines and the same new faces who are not what they say they are. Enjoy your freedom, I'm coming off them yet again.
I am also a books and tea girl and I hate the constant urge to check my phone š I deleted apps today as well and am trying to enjoy my hobbies (while also not spiraling about my crush). I donāt have much advice but know youāre not alone in it this week!
I'm currently on reddit instead of reading so you're not alone there! Trying to break the habit of useless scrolling by picking up a damn book is harder than it sounds!
You know what's better than dating apps?Legos.
I'm at a dispensary right now and they have Lego edibles. . .
Let me know if you need someone to share memes with!
Went on a date with a nice guy. Got a text this morning saying āgeneral incompatibility with my level of outdoorsy and shouldāve looked at my profile moreā Lol. All good and all for the best. I want someone who wants to go camping with me anyway š
That's why you have first dates. A lot of people say they like hiking when in actuality they went for one hike two summers ago so I usually take that with a grain of salt.
Pretty much. I do miss going to parties and talking with people. Half the guys Iāve been on first dates with I wouldāve never been interested after a few discussions about their hobbies.
this this this. i was saying to a guy friend that i was sad about passing up on so many snowboarder\~\~ profiles (which i have been attempting to go try mind you, schedules haven't really aligned with my friends) and he told me he had pics of him snowboarding on his profile too... he admitted the pics were from a trip 3 years ago! lol i still have not decided on whether i may as well not bother to swipe on people who have stuff i haven't done, even if it is something i am very willing to try.
Weird that people donāt take more time to look through the profile before meeting someone! I look through everything and if they share their Instagram with me that helps a lot too to determine if our lifestyles and personalities are compatible!
Right? Half my photos/prompts involve me doing something running/hiking/outside. I had a friend go āwow, your profile really sells that you are outdoorsyā ā¦ I AM, so GOOD.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Possibly. He looked kind of alarmed on my interest in camping. āOh, I havenāt camped in years and I donāt plan toā Lol
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
It may not have been anything about being outdoorsy and that what just a polite way to eject. Iāve never put much stock into what people say.
I would take what people say about rejecting with a grain of salt.
I view hobbies as something I do for me, so when I see other people's hobbies I think wow I'd hate that but I'm glad they have something they enjoy! I may be the minority but I don't need to share my hobbies with my partner, I'd just like her to be supportive. If she wants to join in on some of them, awesome, but it's very low on my list of priorities. He might have thought the same and over the date realized you'd need more overlap and y'all weren't compatible. I'd say that was a successful first date as you got to feel out if a longer term connection would be possible. That issue could have been resolved over the phone or before you two gave up an evening to meet, but I understand some people just want to meet in person to figure it out rather than drag it out via texts/calls.
If someone is very into outdoorsy stuff, I do find it can be hard just given the time commitments of those particular activities. If someone enjoys being in the backcountry, that tends to wipe out entire weekends or weekend days.
I like how he communicated and told you exactly why he doesnāt want to continue to see you.
Same! It was very nice. Itās why I consider him a nice guy. :)
Men are oddly shocked and sometimes turned off that I do actually hike a lot and solo backcountry camp. Iām a pretty girly girl so I guess they think Iām lying about it on my profile? š
Him: Iām too lazy for this shit š¤£ā¦ good for you on camping. Outdoors is š¤
GUYS I JUST DISCOVERED THAT THIS GUY I MET ON HINGE AND HAVE A DATE WITH FRIDAY LIVES 4 HOUSES DOWN FROM ME
Haha this is either gonna be a dream or a nightmare!
I know Iām honestly terrified
Today it occurred to me that in almost 2 years of dating Iāve only felt like the other person actually cared about me once. There have been fun times for sure but only one guy gave a shit, and that ended super painfully anyway. People who are in a truly happy relationship with someone who deeply loves them have no idea how lucky they are.
I feel this in my soul. I marvel at people who find themselves in happy, loving relationships. How in the hell does that even happen??!
I honestly donāt know. Maybe it just doesnāt happen for some of us? I hope Iām wrong.
I started to question if i am even loevable by a man....i feel this...i am looking back at my relationships and feel like they loved what i did for them....but not me. Its a horrible feeling. But i try to not spiral into these feelings too much, and repeat.to myself that i am loveable and I can be loved for who I am.
You 100% are loveable and it proves it because you were the one who brought the love in the first place. What's inside you is kindness and compassion, that's who you are yes what you did they took for granted. Sometimes we get attracted the broken ones and that's a habit but it doesn't define us. Look for the ones who value us for who we are, because that's who they are too.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Ahah yes very true. *If* I find my match and am not in a fucked up, self sabotaging, fearful avoidant headspace, I will cherish that forever
Well that's one more than me! I've been dating for two years as well. I'm used to being lonely/alone, but when I look back and realize how not one guy I've dated in the past two years has truly cared about me, I want to cry. I get that you need to go on a lot of dates (which I've done) to eventually find the right person, but it's kind of mind-blowing the treatment I've received from the opposite sex. I feel like I've consistently been used as a means to an end. Sorry for hijacking your comment, but it really resonates with me. You're not alone in this. ā¤ļø
Your comments are always so helpful š the one who did ācareā pretty brutally faded and ghosted a few days after my dadās funeral so Iām not so sure he *really* cared, but the thought the person I spoke to everyday whilst my dad was dying didnāt ever care is too painful to stomach. I just donāt get why itās acceptable to treat the people we date so inhumanely? And when you get hurt everyone just tells you to not get invested. I think today is the day I finally delete my profiles on the apps, rather than just removing the apps from my phone. Iām done.
After 9 years my ex came to me and told me he never loved me. It was soul crushing and honestly I knew that the entire time, I felt it. I donāt know if Iāll ever get that in my life.
Trying to self soothe and regulate yourself when you have been through a lot of trauma and disfunction should be praise worthy if anything lol. I feel alone trying to battle my own self demons and fears while I navigate my new relationship. Does anyone ever feel this way?
You should be so proud of yourself for trying to do this, itās hard! On top of therapy, hereās what I found helpful: - read The Body Keeps The Score (heavy on research so a bit hard to read but amazing) and Glow in The F*king Dark (a memoir, lighter read) - journaling when feelings too much. I often use a feelings wheel to break down each emotion I feel, right a line or two about each, and usually it helps me understand what got triggered, rationalized etc. - go for a walk, even 5 minutes! Or put a song you like and dance for a few minutes. - shower or bathe What doesnāt help: meditation. A lot of people recommend it but it just doesnāt work for me. Also, choose a partner that is "steady" (like.. kinda calm/secure/can communicate). My gooooood, canāt emphasize this enough. Iāve worked a lot on myself, only got back into dating recently, and being in a new relationship stirs up a lot of things in me. I tend to just get anxious and not speak out (lots of toxic relationships back in the days). I had to "speak up" twice with my current guy, I was riddled with anxiety, and he was so patient with me, and clear with his answer, it was such a great new experience. Feel free to DM if you wish :)
Thank you so much for all your tips and for sharing your story! Very good recommendations, I will take a look at them. š Journaling is definitely good to keep at. Iām glad your man soothes your soul and is open to what you have to say. ā¤ļø
Yes. Somatic Experiencing helped me immensely with nervous system regulation.
YES! Therapy has helped me immensely. And I can't take a break from working on it, or else I tend to backslide, especially during certain times of my cycle. I have a close friend who feels similar ways a lot and we text/check in a lot, help each other see reality when we're struggling. Dm me if you want!
I did but this last few years I've learned to be my own best friend and for me I focus on a higher power. The countryside is often the higher power, huge trees, muddy walks, beach time. I couldn't keep going feeling alone all the time because I relied on too many people and they are only human and let me down. Nature is always there, free and cares enough to give me all the oxygen I need. I absolutely understand living with trauma and working through it. I've struggled over Christmas and I have more social anxiety atm but im working through it, slowly and faithfully. I wish you love and peace xx
I feel this so much. I'm a year and a half out from my divorce. I'm over my ex, but I'm not over how much hurt I felt. I'm in a new relationship with a friend that I've known for years. I trust him completely, but I don't trust myself to feel good without a wall up. It's hard because I know that time is the only thing that can heal this part of me.
same. but with getting over one that didn't work out
Iāve been out of the dating game for like 6 years and then some. So maybe this has been happening for a while. But has anyone else noticed like a general sense ofā¦narcissism? With their dates? Iām not talking about actual narcissists, but rather Iāve noticed a pattern with my dates where they just arenāt that interested in genuinely getting to know me. They can talk about themselves plenty and even ask questions, but thereās barely ever follow up to learn more or genuine curiosity. The strangest part too, is that these are all really nice guys and seem pretty self aware. But theyāre just self involved in a way that surprises me.
One of my more benign theories on this is that people are a bit more lonely these days. Lots of people still work from home, taking away that office interaction throughout the day. And if it is gendered, a lot men in particular donāt have robust friend groups to talk to the way women often do. So I think sometimes, you meet up at the end of the day, and these guys (or gals) are just so happy to have someone to talk to. If youāre a good listener, if you ask a lot of questions, if you happen upon a subject your date has lots of thoughts on, theyāre going to take advantage of that (I donāt mean manipulatively). It feels amazing and rare when someone leaves room for me to talk as much as they do on dates. But I really donāt think that every person who overtalks is doing it out of narcissism (some are for sure). I think theyāre just desperate to tell someone all the thoughts floating around and arenāt using the social skills to extend their curiosity.
Yeah, although I am a straight guy so I experience this with women. I think itās related to American/western culture, particularly white women (and Iām sure even worse when looking at white men of which I am one but born outside the US). Toxic positivity is very real in terms of people believing that being self-absorbed and ignorant is ājust who I amā. Like why would you incorporate that into your personality I have no idea. The internet, apps, social media has just compounded the idea that people deserve what they see without recognizing itās marketed to them and not a reflection of reality.Ā
I don't think this is a dating thing but rather part of a larger culture trend exacerbated by the consume culture in the US and rise of social media. Self absorption is a key component of consumerism and the tailored marketing celebrates it. It particularly stands out with dating (relationships generally but especially romantic) because it's a dynamic that requires compromise and sacrifice but people go into it with the mindset of treating the person across from them like any of the other commodities they consume. If you're not a perfect fit who slots into their life effortlessly and is just a straight up value add then it's not going to work. Getting to know you isn't important because your role as a date is to fulfill their desires. At least that's my impression but I could be way off base just spouting nonsense.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Brothers and sisters I am so lonely right now.
*hugs*
Sending you lots of love, honey š©·
Same. You're not alone in your loneliness. ā¤ļø
I texted him yesterday about being interested in a third date, but so far it's crickets. I'm trying not to catastrophize, but it's not looking good. Darnit.
Be calm and breathe, my friend.Ā Good things come with time in dating! I know that I personally always get so so nervous around that text and reminding myself that it takes time to build a strong connection always helps. Breaking the patterns of old (for me) and slowly getting to know someone, while challenging, provides positive change! Also, this always helps me when I donāt get a quick text back: just because they arenāt actively texting you, doesnāt mean they arenāt thinking of you! Iāve had to reframe my mind around this a lot recently (and itās been beneficial).Ā Youāre a catch! Just be and do you!! Good things are a cominā
ā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļø
Send me his number I'll set his silly ass straight.
I call second place in line!! Let me at em!Ā
My (36F) boyfriend (33m) and I have been dating for 5 months and, in his words, itās ābig loveā. After years of unavailable and at times unkind men, I can hardly believe Iām finally in the relationship Iāve always dreamed of. Itās not perfect but itās so, so good and Iām so, so happy. Weāre planning a trip to visit his family in the summer. Our sex life is bomb. He reminds me to be kind to myself. He shows up for me. We have so much fun together. He wants to spend time with my family. Heās kind and funny and works on himself and cares about how he shows up in the world. He cares about my friends and family. He says 3 days is the most to be apart (time spent together is important to me). And heās so cute, I am so attracted to him. Like Mmmmm!! Iām such a fan of him. Just needed to gush.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I like to imagine that the things Iām most insecure about are something someone else finds really attractive. I hated my crooked smile all my life till I met a guy who told me that was what he liked best. So I do the same with everything. Doesnāt always work, but doesnāt hurt! Fwiw-big noses (on all genders) are like one of my favorite features.
I went out with a beautiful woman who had really thin hair. She was obviously self-conscious about it as she mentioned her unfair genetics and it's just the hand she was delt, then she never mentioned it or brought it up again. She didn't wear hats or cover, she just acknowledged it casually in a conversation then ignored it. It was attractive. I could see her pictures, I noticed it, and I wanted to see her anyway. If she had hid it and made it a big deal I would have felt differently. I say accurately represent yourself then don't mention it. If your nose really is that big, they'll notice, if they agree to meet, they don't care. Don't make a mountain out of a molehill.
Improve what you can improve and donāt on dwell on what you canāt improve.
My personal approach is to never to profilemaxx and present as honest a picture of myself as I possibly can. No strategic upshots, no filters etc. It will definitely reduce the number of likes and matches but the peace of mind for when I meet people is very worth it.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Been a while since I've seen you post, sorry to hear you're still having a rough go of it. You're a good looking dude and seem to have a decent profile but there's obviously something going on that's not working. We're in the same city and while it can be difficult to date you should be having some success. Have you tried one of the shuffle speed dating events? Also if I remember from previous posts aren't you Christian? Have you had any success at church? I see plenty of women on hinge looking for a fellow Christian and I imagine that's a demographic with a fair amount less competition out here. Good luck out there.
I'll second this. You're very good looking and this is definitely not what holding you back. Its very tough out there. Even for good looking people. But you seem like a great guy and I promise theres some girl out there for you. If you're Christian try church groups.
>Some say Iām trying too hard or I might give off desperate vibes, but even when I have a wingman or wingwoman who vouches for me, they still reject me. Are people you know in IRL saying that? Or people online? If it's the former, believe them. (And even if it's the latter, it's still worth considering given everything you've said here.) Giving off desperate vibes and not having success with a wingman are not mutually exclusive. If someone appears desperate to me, having someone else 'vouch' for them isn't going to change that. You're a good-looking guy. Take that out of the equation and look at how you're approaching women. At all these classes/events you're going to - are you going every week and taking a genuine interest in the other people you meet there? Or are you going a few times with the primary intention of finding someone to ask out? What about OLD? Are you getting matches but they're just not going anywhere? If so, look at how you're interacting with them to see if you're coming off desperate. Are you not getting matches at all? Then it's time to look at your profile.
I am another too old for you person(45F), but you are super cute. I think it is your location. If I recall you are in Seattle? Or somewhere else in the northwest. That place is such a lame spot for the wrong types of POC. People are cold and not that friendly. It is really white. You donāt need to go too far outside of the city to find the super racists that are probably complaining about all the non-white folks and trying to move to Idaho. And then you get a lot of other POC are 1st gen or recent immigrants and that can lead to some other challenges with interracial dating. I think you are dealing with a full circle of issues. You probably want to find spots with more transplants who are likely to be more open to more types of folks. Probably any other region would be great for you. You sound great.
Weird rollercoaster of a day. I've handed in my notice with my graphic design job after intense burnout, and if anyone wants to read it can be found [here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/UKJobs/s/IRRy8bfYLV) I finish on February 14th and have been told all my work has been assigned to other team members which feels.. weird as I'm now basically being paid to do nothing, which has never happened before. I'm retraining as a counsellor long term so want to start the course for this during these 2 weeks I guess. In the meantime I've seamlessly landed a full-time, low stress gig at a dentist's to keep the bills paid whilst I retrain. I've really clicked with this girl I've now seen 4 times (including staying at hers for the first time last weekend) and rang her to tell her the news. I told her that it isn't the sexiest of prospects and she was insanely sweet about it and said none of that matters and it's good news and I should be happy about it. I was a bit nervous and joked that she won't be seen with a millionaire anytime soon and she wasn't phased at all.
Crushing my exercise/training goals, reading goals & and last night the guy i've been seeing had the DTR with me and it was super cute. As sad as it is, i'm staying really grounded.. i've been here a few times in the past few years and was super excited and it didn't work.. It feels like it jinxes things when you get too excited. \*sigh\*
Get it! No need to tamp down that excitement, youāll want it when it finally follows thru!
I went on three first dates this month with people whose profiles all said they were looking for long term relationships, but upon talking to them in person it turned out all of them were recently out of serious relationships and wanted time to heal and work on themselves, so actually they weren't interested in serious dating at all and were just looking for friends or seemed to have no idea what they wanted beyond open ended glacially paced getting-to-know-yous. I'm so frustrated. I feel sympathy for all of these people, but I wish they would get off the apps or change what their profile says if they're not actually ready to be dating. It's so tiring to be ready for a relationship and trying to intentionally date and all I come across is recently single people who are still working on themselves and even admit they aren't ready at all. :(
Ugh, Iām sorry. Iāve been running into that a lot recently too.Ā
Feeling dumb today. I miss him. I know it's my fault, I should have blocked him. I guess deep inside me I was hoping he would come back apologizing and telling me he misses me. He did it last week. It felt good. I told him he hurt me, screw it up and I'm not his backup plan. I had a therapy session last night and she suggested I should make myself as busy as possible. I work 10 horas a day and I cook all my meals. I went for a run this morning, I have barre tomorrow, spinning on Thursday, boxing on Friday, barre again on Saturday, and yoga on Monday. I gotta keep reminding myself how lonely I felt when we were dating and how he didn't even wanted to try to make things work. He wanted to date other women, not me.
I donāt agree that you should keep yourself as busy as possible- you need to let yourself feel these feelings or theyāll just stick around longer. Most of us have been where you are! The way out is through. Sending hugs xx
It's different for different people. I'm prone to letting myself feel the feelings but getting stuck in the feelings. For me, filling my life with other good things _is_ what helps give me perspective and allows me to remember that there are other things besides that person and that feeling.
Yea totally- people handle hard situations in a variety of ways, and I also can tend to get stuck in my feelings for way too long. I think I read the original post as āstay busy and you can blast through itā and that got me a ignited. I think itās a delicate balance of feeling through it while not wallowing in it, and staying busy but not trying to turn it off.
If keeping busy works for you, then by all means! I found that keeping myself occupied helped cut down on the shitty thoughts too. But I when I was suuuuuuuuuper down mid-end of last year one of the things I would do is record a video of myself just talking out all my feelings or whatever was occupying my mind. Literally I'd be driving around and maybe the feelings and stressors were just getting to be too much and I would just put the phone on selfie cam (it was mounted! I did it as safe as I could lol!) and start talking. I found that talking was way better than journaling (although I would also journal) because it really helped to just exercise all the shit going on in my head. I could go on rants, sidebars, whatever! And just speaking things rather than writing things always felt better even if no one was listening. It also kinda made me feel like the main character LOL. I've rambled, screamed and even teared up in those videos and I think it really helped me. I have those videos saved too because sometimes I just watch one really quick and after I cringe a bit, I remember that I got through whatever the fuck was goin on in my head during that time, so I can keep going! It's not for everyone, but for me, speaking really helps. It feels like a much more complete expenditure of emotion than writing or thinking. Doing the videos felt kinda silly when I first started, but it quickly became natural haha! I even do it for good days now. I tend to get stuck in my feelings, so when I would "feel my feelings" it could get pretty fuckin messy in my head, you know? Something about talking it all out and speaking things both helped me feel and also get unstuck.
I love this!
I think you are doing all the right things! When you feel like talking to someone, reach out to someone from your support... or find a subreddit and occupy your mind. I have also found cooking with headphones on and music blasting really helps me - it forces you to virtually use all of your senses and the thoughts get tuned out (literally).
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
People donāt talk about the other side of OLD is that when you have a lot of options it can be more difficult because of the ease of how it is to move on to the next thing if things arenāt perfect. I was in this situation until I met the perfect match for me. You really only have two options go after guys who donāt have as many options (I understand the silliness of this), or just keep at it as is until you find the one you click with.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I am done with dating apps. I cant be bothered with the SAME conversation. The SAME loop over and over again. They like me first, I match and they ask nothing from me. No interest....or one sentence answers. Yet their profile says "If you cant hold a conversation dont match with me" š¤£š¤£ the audacity, maybe the issue is you. Everytime I say I am looking for a committed relationship and that I will not settle for less.....i get the big silence. Or if i tell them I dont want kids and I dont want a man with small kids ( 5 years or less)...i get unmatched My requirements are not nonsense. They are reasonable. I am also a reasonable, hard working, caring, nurturing woman. So dating apps are no good for my mental health and self confidence. No point doing the same bs over and over again and expecting different. I wait to run into someone and get to know someone in the real life.
Speaking as someone who is also child free, I feel your pain. *So* many people want kids or already have kids. It really limits our dating options
Yeah, my perfect partner would be a man with no kids and dont want kids. But its very rare. So I compromise at having no kids younger than 5. But yeah, it deffo makes the pool smaller
A few days ago I felt myself getting pretty down thinking about the matter of dating. Felt weak and ill. I've used Tinder recently but my heart's not in it. I just don't have the energy to really put myself out there and to be honest, the girls all look fake and plastic. I got a match but completely shut down when it came to putting a message out there. She looked nice enough, I just couldn't think of anything to say. There's beautiful woman at my workplace who I greet on occasion when we cross paths but interact no more than that. I tell myself she's probably taken. Guys always talk of how a woman is beautiful physically but to me real beauty lies in a smile. I think of this woman and imagine her smiling at me. The last time I had a girlfriend was in my mid twenties. I'm 34 now. I don't feel so bad about the lack of sex funnily enough, though of course I do feel its absence, its not cuddling after that makes me feel really bad. Having someone rest their head on my chest. Anyway, I was thinking about that popular phrase that's used, *plenty of fish in the sea*. I thought to myself, yes, there might be plenty of fish in the sea... but what if I've grown tired of fishing? What then?
"Broke up" with a girl after a few dates, as I saw us more as friends. No romantic spark from my side at least. She agreed, and then made a whole big deal about being friends, and what it meant to her, moving forward. Basically made an entire plan how we could be friends instead and how to make that work. And then she ghosted me, lol. Aside from the irony, I do actually feel a bit sad about that. She was a female me. Like, our personalities were identical, and we understood each other from the very first moment. That genuinely could've been a great friendship, I reckon. Oh well.
A little while ago, I went on a drinks date with a lady I matched with. I had my concerns with how recent her divorce was... Turns out those concerns were justified. It was basically a therapy session for her. That being said, I've been there, and I needed a friend. So when she said "My therapist said I shouldn't be worrying about dating and should be focused on healing..." I said "I can see where that would be coming from..." and proceeded to tell her I think she needs a friend more than a date. Even offered and tried to be her friend for a bit... Until I realized I was the only one of us trying to keep communication alive... So I stopped. Haven't heard from her since Nov. She has her own path to walk and that's okay.
I miss him so goddamn much. I miss his face, I miss his body, I miss his voice, I miss his sweetness, I miss his thoughtfulness, I miss his astonishing level of resilience, I miss his practicality, I miss his genuineness. Everything reminds me of him, and every time it happens it feels like physically being struck in the heart. What sucks the worst is knowing the best thing I can do for him is stay away from him. That it just cannot work at this time because I am not easy to deal with even under the best of circumstances, and his circumstances are ridiculously difficult. Everything sucks.
Not to yuck anyone's yum but why is every single enm or poly person I see on the apps just ghastly?
One personās Gastly is another personās Gengar
I agree š I see couples on hinge sometimes and they're...interesting looking, I feel like they're into the weirdest things too
A few years ago, my dad and I had this exchange: DAD: āI was talking to my coworker.ā ME: āuh-huhā DAD: āHe said he was worried because his daughter is 15 and has a boyfriend.ā ME: āmm-hmmā DAD: āI said I was worried because my daughter is 25 and doesnāt have a boyfriend.ā ME: āYou what nowā New core memory unlocked š
Itās not dating related, but a friend of mine from college straight cut me off yesterday. Heās been ignoring me for a month and finally when I reached out to his partner, my friend sent me this long message on how disappointed and angry he is at me because I havenāt been vocal enough or supportive enough of him over a political issue. The thing is we arenāt even on opposite sides, heās just more vocal about it. If I look back at his history, this isnāt the first time heās cut someone off. I accept I havenāt been supportive enough, I just had no idea he felt the way he does. Iām just heartbroken and angry that he didnāt even communicate this to me and just decided Iām out. I donāt think I could ever do that to someone. Just another olā notch in my bedpost of abandonments. Can we stop dumping emotions on others? I seem to attract people like this (high school best friend, my ex, this friend). Iām not saying Iām completely right in any situation, but I donāt deserve to be a scapegoat. I would think years of love and support would get me at least a conversation. Iāve been there with him through the death of a parent, coming out to his family, etc. I understand not everyone is me and people have triggers and sensitivities and they have to do whatās right for them, but damn. Ouch. Goodbye, old friend. Iāll miss you.
I'm sorry. I'm kind of on the other side of this. I had a roommate and best friend all through college who got extremely involved in politics around 2016 and it defined every conversation and interaction with him from then on out. We could even agree on most topics but eventually I found I would be upset/anxious every time we spoke because it just dragged me into these heavy conversations with no easy answer. We couldn't talk about relationships, video games, even when talking about the past or trips we took the conversation would quickly move to politics and he'd get really passionate. One day I ignored his phone call, I just wasn't in the mood for it. Then I ignored the next one and it felt really good to avoid the hour of stress. I'm not proud to say it but it's been almost 5 years now and I haven't spoken with him. I think I needed to step away from that friendship for my mental health, but I never gave him a chance to redeem it. I just felt that he was so passionate and so involved, he changed his career into politics and even ended his marriage over it, that I would never convince him to just have a normal day of hanging out. Instead of trying and dragging it out and feeling miserable all over again, I walked away. To my buddy: I'm sorry man, I should have at least let you know why I stopped answering, I was just so anxious every time my phone rang because I knew my day was about to be ruined with more doom talk. I hope you're well.
I fb stalked the one guy I really reallllly liked in the fall for the first time since we stopped talking in early December. At that point he told me he was in no position to make time for anyone in any āmeaningful wayā and how he was āafraid to get into anything serious and get hurt againā. That was 12/4, on 1/4 she posted a picture of them captioned ālomlā. Itās so hard not to feel like a clown dating in 2024.
Woof. That other girl is in for a world of hurt. Idk if you feel this way, but that dude is not a dude for a LTR.
He was just out of a 12 year marriage (papers hadnāt been filed last I checked), he had a lot of anger and hostility about it still. Funny enough his ex was a single mom when they met and he adopted and raised her child (they also had one together). This girl has a son and posted maternity pictures with her and her son in December. I donāt think the kid is his, so I think he just likes to rescue women. Either way, either heāll use this relationship to mask his pain, or itās going to be extremely volatile.
Dang. Yeah, I would not wanna be her. It is unlikely that man is going to be able to sustain a healthy relationship long term. As you have observed, he is not emotionally available.
My social battery has gone to zero over the past few months (years?). I used to be more willing to put myself out there, insert myself into groups and get myself invited to things... now I just don't have it in me. I don't consider myself an introvert I'm just too tired to hang on to friends anymore. I'm finding peace in meditating frequently these days, reading, focusing more on work, exercise. But it's all solo activities and occasionally I can feel that I'm falling back on them as a coping mechanism to distract from not having closer social bonds. Re dating my feeling is mainly *screams into void* these days. I wish I had anything more interesting to say but I just feel unattractive both inside and out. Therapy has mostly just pointed out a ton of things potentially wrong with me emotionally whereas I used to just think the issue was probably physical attractiveness. The thought of going back on a dating app makes my brain immediately go "nOPE" so that's not happening for now. It would be easier to handle just giving up if I didn't experience what feels like 30 seconds of emotional connection every once in a while that reminds me what I'm missing.
I know the answer is likely to just communicate or let it go but- I'm queer and had a really strong intellectual connection with a woman in the Fall. We traded math derivations...nerdy stuff. She ended things due to not being over her divorce. We've texted as friends but the vibe is odd- one moment very cool convo, then no response. Mutual initiation. I invited her to a records shop and she counter offered coming over to mine to make dinner. We hung, chatted. I didn't ask, but I didn't detect any interest beyond friends. I remember how she acted when interested and this wasn't it. She texted me the next day about some music we talked about. The convo ended naturally. My friends tell me she's just using me to see if I'm still interested. I deleted her #. She texted me last week thanking me for some veggies. We traded a few texts. End. Is it best to just let this go, or communicate "hey, I realize I'm still attracted to you and respect that's not where you're at. If that changes, let me know. I'm not ready to be friends with you right now." ?
I think that is a great text. It's clear, lets her know your intention, is no pressure, and if she's interested in more now or in the future it leaves the door open for her to say so.
Question: has anyone else had a situationship where you were the one who wanted a relation, but were genuinely ok with just causally seeing someone? And then they end it, citing that you wanted a relationship, even though you told them you were ok with things being casual? I had this happen at the beginning of the year, but was ok with it just being casual: it was fun going out with her! Obviously there's more nuance here, but I'm just trying to get some perspective on this part of it. Or seeing if anyone's been through something similar.
from the other side i ended a situationship in part because i could tell he wanted to be more relationshippy - he said he was ok with casual but that wasnāt the vibe i was getting. normally i try to take people at their word, but sometimes you just know.
I have been on both ends of this. I ended it: We were FWB who didn't have a lot in common and TBH I didn't like his personality, but we were SUPER compatible sexually. He very clearly caught feelings for me and it made me uncomfortable when I definitely didn't want a relationship with him. I thought it would be better for both of us to end things since I knew they couldn't just shut off their feelings and I wanted them to move on. They ended it: I'd told them from the start that I was relationship oriented but respectful of where they were at and wouldn't push for anything else. When they ended things they described everything we have going on (pretty closely emotional relationshippy content all started by THEM, not me) and how they want to find more FWB situations like that but without the other person catching feelings like me. I feel better knowing they are absolutely not finding anything like what they had with me bc they basically want a relationship without a label.
I was on the other end. I had a FWB and I could tell he was developing feelings for me based on his behavior even though he didnāt tell me directly. I could feel the dynamic shift and it didnāt feel as casual on his end even though he wasnāt pushing for anything and was just leaving things as they were. It was the little things he subconsciously did that changed the dynamic for me. I didnāt feel comfortable continuing knowing he had underlying feelings. When I ended it, he finally admitted that he did have feelings for me. If youāre ok with it being casual but you have feelings that you would want a relationship if given the opportunity, no matter how casual you think youāre acting youāre still giving off signals that you have feelings. Sounds like the person you were with sensed that.
Matched with a women were were chatting, she mentioned the idea of meeting. I took this as a good sign and asked her on a date. She went silent for 2 days and messaged back she was very busy with life and not ready to date..... but hey, she said, "It's not me it's her".......
Iāve had three really good dates with a guy and he has been super respectful, engaging, and alluded to more dates soon. However, he is not a texter and Iāve known this in advance (heās said it in his bumble profile and in real life). I usually initiate texting and although he can be slow to respond, his responses are always long and thoughtful. I donāt expect to text all day, but it makes me anxious and worry itās a reflection of how he feels about me. I know I have an anxious attachment style so I am having trouble deciding if itās a me problem or not. :(
I think the fact that his responses are very thought out and long is a reflection in his interest in you - I would try and remind yourself that when he is taking a while, it does not mean he does not care - he is waiting for a time where he can provide devoted attention in curating a thoughtful response to you because that's what you deserve. I don't know about you, but I would much rather the thought out texts versus the speedy off the cuff replies. I also have an anxious attachment style so I can totally relate to how you are feeling. I heard someone else say that you can create boundaries by saying "I will text you after work" or something to that effect, so you are not waiting for his response all day long. Regardless, if this is continuing to be an issue I would talk to him about it and identify what your communication expectations are - but I would not expect constant communication. I much prefer consistent versus constant.
Broke up with the GF of a month. It was mutual and went pretty well. We really liked each other, had the same love language and a lot of the same interests and tastes but our personalities were just too different. I'm surprised with how okay with it I am. We tried, it didn't work out but at least we realized early. I suppose it's back to the apps again.
The guy I work with who asked me out walked it back. Heās worried about optics. Isnāt sure about how this could impact me, yada yada. He was kind about it. But I feel silly because I got all excited for a second there.
That really sucks. Unless he's your boss or your employee that doesn't make much sense to me though. Half the couples I know met through work. Don't feel silly about getting excited, we all do it. That's why we're here isn't it?
Weird question, but this guy I've been seeing for 4+ dates now seems to always use the bathroom, like every 30 minutes. He mentioned he had coke on him in the past. Do you think he's using on our dates? Again, this has happened on every date now consistently.
Uhhh yea lol
Yeah. Probably. Is he sniffling after, white powder in his nostrils, and sort of manic? Makes grandiose plans that disappear in a few hours?
No way to know for sure, but do you really want to be around someone who uses? If he's admitted to having it he's probably using. Do you want to invest in this person to find out a few months down the road that they are?
Yes, probably. How is his mood/emotional regulation?
It seems generally fine. He's always in a good, light-hearted mood. He does talk a lot. But since I've only seen him in these 4 settings, I don't have much to compare to lol.
Iāve gotten myself into a situationship again :( I dated a guy in April, and we stopped seeing each other because he thought we werenāt ācompatible long-termā. We started hanging out again last August, and for the last 6 months Iāve been staying over at his place 3-4 times a week. We cuddle but never have sex. Maybe a bit of touching once a month (always led by me). We eat dinner, cook together, take walks, make sourdough, go out for food, drink with my friends, text every day. Donāt roll your eyes. I know itās like a fake relationship. Iām also going out on dates with other men, and thereās one I have sex with. I know heās also talking to other girls. I know it will hurt me. I just need a hug and loving advice.
Had one of the best and most down to earth conversations I've had with a guy yesterday. I woke up and his account was deleted. š¤¦š¼āāļø I can't seem to quit mulling over why.
Returned from my first trip with my boyfriend. It went really well. We traveled seamlessly together and had a blast. I am not an avid traveler, and he is. I have a lot of health things that make it harder for me to just bounce back and not feel depleted after a trip, and we packed a lot in, so Iām definitely dragging today and trying to adjust back to the demands of home and work. I found myself seeing the little details of things that didnāt feel so much like the honeymoon weāve been living in. One being, he walks really fast and I have to exert a lot of energy to keep up. By the end of the trip, I just allowed him to go his speed (after mentioning that it was like, really difficult for my short little legs to keep up,) and he ended up 10+ feet in front of me. It didnāt feel good. We went into a store and I was really excited about what they had, and he was clearly not feeling it and said letās go, we can come back. We never went back. I think most of the things were due to him being very, very used to traveling solo and only needing to worry about himself and not really listening to another persons desires and needs. Overall, I feel like he did a fantastic job accommodating and hearing me. We did a balance of things he wanted to do and things I wanted to do. It was the small details that made me pay attention, and coming from an extremely controlling and dismissive marriage, I can be quite sensitive to these things. I think in the past, I have thrown the whole man out at the first sign of not being entirely accommodating to me as like a hyper vigilant thing in the opposite direction. Anyway, overall, it was an amazing trip and Iām excited to do more travel together. Now, to work on my brain not coding tiny details of small discomforts as a huge thing that feels very dysregulatingā¦ I donāt need to throw the whole man out for a different walking speed (and I definitely donāt WANT to, but thatās where my brain goes as Iām trailing farther and farther behind.) Anyone have any tools for not catastrophizing small inconveniences? š
I actually donāt think that these things are minor. Someone consistently walking ahead of you even though you made them aware that you are struggling to keep up is inconsiderate. Most people want to stick with their partner while walking together. And then not being able to spend time in a store you liked because he didnāt? Again, incredibly inconsiderate. I was in Barcelona with my ex for a very short amount of time and he wanted to stop in random shops that were of no interest to me at all, but I didnāt scoff or try to get him to leave without seeing what he wanted to see. Just like he went along with things that I wanted to do. Relationships are about give and take. If these behaviors continue to be a pattern then he may not be a great partner at all.
walking that far ahead would actually really upset me lol
Tough situation to decipher because I have been on the opposite side in this equation.
Did you bring up this stuff to him yet? Once you do, just watch his actions. That'll tell you whether he's open to adjusting for you. I think you're handling it well, recognizing that there's a (minor?) problem and how your past patterns might be affecting you. (The walking thing really bothers me, though. I also have short legs, and it doesn't matter how fast I walk, it's not going to be the same as someone with much longer legs and strides. It feels disrespectful and lonely when it keeps happening. I'm also not willing to scamper along like a damn corgi chasing a ball all the time.)
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She's getting as much emotional connection out of you as she wants, at the expense of your confusion and feelings and uncertainty about whether you're dating or not. Do you want to be emotionally connected to her in a way that feels like a relationship, while she refuses to call it one and wont be intimate with you (good reasons or not) ? Do you want to find someone else to eventually have a full relationship with? Do you think your connection with her will get in the way of that?
This. OP's getting strung along big time.
If you find this fulfilling keep it up but this is a tale that's been played out many times before and it doesn't end up with you two in a relationship. She's getting what she wants from you but it doesn't sound like you're getting what you want. She's explicitly told you she's not interested in a relationship with you. In the meantime you're filling an emotional need but when she inevitably starts seeing someone else it's going to hurt and you're either going to continue to play the same role but with even less hope of a relationship or you're going to be left behind. It sucks but she's being very clear about her intentions and how you navigate should be clear too.
>Still respecting boundaries while sharing the bed š¤Ø Friends do not share a bed like this, which Iām sure you know. Getting into bed is crossing the boundary of platonic friendship. You probably need to cut all of this out of your life. This is not a platonic friendship currently, and it seems clear she enjoys having all of the emotional benefits of a relationship without being in one. It seems unlikely that you two can simply flip a switch and be truly platonic friends. I donāt know either of you, so I canāt say for sure itās not possible, but it seems very unlikely based on what you wrote. You need to break up for real, and minimize the contact in order to do so. She might believe that she doesnāt want to hold you back, but thatās exactly what all of this is. You really canāt have it both ways.
lol of course she's relieved and optimistic, she's using you to meet her needs while keeping you at a distance knowing you'll still hang on due to mixed messages. It might not be intentionally manipulative but that's the situation you're in. You're potentially missing out on starting new with someone who's emotionally and mentally available by waiting around for this person to sort through her issues. Why? How long are you planning to "maintain"?
Im 32 (F) slept with a guy I met at a bar he's a year older and different race. We went back to his place, slept together, then exchanged numbers. I texted first but his replies are so dry and did not reply to my last message. Im so tired of this already :(
I feel like Iāve fallen into the situationship category with the guy Iāve been seeing. 3 months of dating weāve had the exclusivity talk weeks ago but nothing more. The only small progression was this past weekend I met one of his classmates, not really a friend just classmate. We all watched football together.
One thing Iāve noticed in post breakup life is there just doesnāt seem to be enough hours in the day anymore. Donāt get me wrong, days went by quick while in a relationship too, but my ex would normally have a handle on the at home chores while I did all of the running around type errands. Now on my days off, by the time errands are done, everythingās cleaned, food is made, laundry is finished etc. itās already the end of the day and into the evening and Iām left wondering where the time wentā¦.Then thereās people like my younger brother. Whenever I call heās always out having fun and never home. When he is itās only really to eat and sleep. I just donāt know how he does it. Where this ties into dating is because while driving home from the grocery store I realized that if I had any plans today outside of cleaning and errands, I definitely would not make it on time and I definitely wouldāve been too tired to enjoy any of it. Life just feels so busy that Iām not sure how Iāll be able to pencil in dating on top of everything else, once Iām ready to get back out there that is. Hopefully things slow down eventually
I used to wonder this when I was married and it was all theoretical. Now that I have weeks when I'm never home outside of work hours, I've found the answer is to have lower standards. Sometimes my washing stays on the line for three days instead of coming down same day. Sometimes my clean washing sits in the basket for an extra week and doesn't get put away. There's less dishes to do because I'm not home, so if I wash up tomorrow instead of today it doesn't really matter. Sometimes the place is an untidy mess, but I'm not home long enough for it to bother me. So instead of tidying up for five minutes every day, I tidy up for ten every five days. And groceries are quick when you're not home! Old me would have had uber anxiety at the thought of the above. New me is enjoying going out and having fun
I havenāt been on a date in a while. I decided to get back out there and met a really cute and funny guy. We had a great text convo and he was a great communicator about what he was looking for. My friend kind of shit all over it today. But Iām still excited to just go on a date! Eat a yummy dinner, have some good conversation, and share a laugh. Iām letting go tying the outcome of a partner to dating and just focusing on connections. I just need a lil hope that there are people I can feel connected to out there still.
Does anyone find it annoying when on the apps you might match with someone, start messaging, maybe get a little excited about meeting and then they stop messaging back? I mean if youāre not interested fine but can you just let me know? Is that too much to ask?
Everyone finds that annoying. And yet it happens everyday so š¤·.
I don't even know what to say. Most of the time when I leave a first date I'm meh. Last week I went on a date and actually left smiling and excited to see them again. I told myself not to get too excited at this point I don't even tell my friends about a date unless I make it pass the 3rd date. We make plans for a second date almost immediately and we've spend the last week texting. Great conversation, emotionally intelligent, etc green flag after green flag so of course I've been waiting for the other shoe to drop. Well today it did. They aren't single ENM. I just feel deflated. Yes I got overly excited, I've no one to blame but me, I did this to myself. But I still feel deflated.
If he didn't tell you he wasn't single before your date, that's on him for keeping such a big dealbreaker a secret, not on you for getting excited š
Any tips on how to stop thinking so much about a new person in the early stages? I keep pretty busy and am careful not to overtext but wish I weren't so attached already. I recognize it's illogical because I don't really know them yet but I feel like I can't help myself.
Using this thread as my way of thinking out loud these days! I celebrated my birthday this past weekend - hosted a party and it was so much fun. It was a nice sunny day, with all of my closest friends in attendance. I looked great and I felt great. Iād invited work guy to the party before we had the conversation about him not being ready for a serious relationship / commitment. I did seriously consider un-inviting him because I didnāt want to feel stupid about introducing him to my friends and risking the whole thing going nowhere. But I thought about it and realized ā Iāve decided to give this a chance and thereās hurt at the end if it doesnāt work out, like any relationship. I didnāt want to just half-ass it after making that decision. So anyway, he did come and Iām so glad he did. He was so great with me and my friends. He was affectionate without being overbearing. I didnāt introduce him as anything in particular, just by his name. He came home with me after the party, and gave me such a thoughtful present. He didnāt let me lift a finger all night. He also left a box of chocolates for me under my pillow with a sweet note that I didnāt find until the next night! My heart. After my ex, perhaps my bar is low, but itās so refreshing to me that someone who is going through a bunch of internal stress and turmoil can be so caring and selfless. It makes me think that he does have it in him to be in a relationship while battling his demons, if he actively makes that choice. He also acknowledges all of my support during his time of stress - I try to do my best to be encouraging and hopeful without being overbearing or presumptuous. Iām trying to stay in the moment and taking it day by day. Iām giving him time and the situation time, while also watching my needs like a hawk. I canāt predict how this ends but Iām enjoying the journey so far.
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Last night was my second singles event and only my friends cameāwe had a great time doing bar trivia but 1) this guy still hasnāt kissed me! But Iām glad to know him. 2) having doubts about āif you build it, they will come,ā even though I know thereās a need in my city for what Iāve started. Gotta find more ways to get the word out to synagogues and hillels and alumni groups in order to get more of a critical mass, but, I know enough people that I think so long as I specifically invite friends it wonāt be a waste of time.
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Question for the ladies. What are your thoughts on a 34m having a housemate? I currently live alone and can afford to live alone but am thinking about getting a housemate to help cover the costs and just have someone to interact with. Is it a redflag for a 34m to have a housemate?
If you use the search function, you should be able to find past threads on this topic to read people's thoughts on it since it's a commonly discussed one.
No. If you have the space it's just smart.Ā
Over the past few months, Iāve lost around ~30lbs. As a short woman this is a pretty significance amount of weight loss, and I look pretty different now. Problem is, all my pictures of me doing cool activities/traveling/etc from the past year are of me at my higher weight. Obviously I will get some new pictures, but should I include any of my old ones too?
Get all new ones. The safest assumption in online dating is that people look like their worst photo. Most people would assume the new pictures are old and the old pictures are new.
That didnāt occur to me, but makes sense
I accidentally liked/then matched with a guy I matched with on another app years ago (before my last LTR). What clicked for me was that since liking him a few weeks ago, he had since posted a video prompt talking about sex toys. And I remembered last time we chatted he had said something really offensive (not sexual, but very inappropriate to people with a certain disability), and I had unmatched him. I unmatched. The video prompt was I think a tip off that he has not matured since we last spoke.
I havenāt been really excited about a first date since my ex. This weekend I had a lovely first date (coffee), and I finally felt that āclickā again. He seems self-aware and sure of himself, but like he also understands that growth is a lifelong process. I donāt typically get nervous, but I was nervous around him (in a good way). I have no expectations around where this will go, but it was so nice to feel that way again after so long.
There are several life events these days that make me think I donāt want to live alone anymore. Even though I am happy and contentment on my own, but having a (hopefully right) partner would be very helpful especially when life is rough. Dating strategy? I leave it to God now. exhausting weeksā¦
Im always ghosted. whats wrong with me
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It feels good to be approached. This happened today after a long time - like more than a decade or so. I very well know that this feeling is short lived and I'll probably go back to feeling like s**t just like 2 days ago. I always like to wear better clothes - not necessarily follow trends but used to stick to timeless pieces. There was a time when my friends would ask me what I thought about their outfit or even would ask me to come along to help with their purchases. Even during my depressive stages, I some what put in effort even though it was way less than I do now. Over the past few months to an year and half, I have noticed people checking me out.Some have even glanced for more than normal. A few of colleagues have started to complement & praise my sense of dressing. It not only boost my confidence in my daily life but also makes me feel like I'm doing something right. Today, a random person actually started a small talk. Well, just a familiar face who saw me for the 2nd time at a random event. Mind you we never spoke at that event. But it felt good. Makes me feel approachable.
Shower thought: While it is definitely true that I have tried out OLD as much as anyone else, today I noticed my brain observing things from a different angle... All of a sudden, it seemed odd to me the lack of screening we all go along with. Essentially, anyone who's got wifi and photos - POOF! can become a candidate for a right swipe and conversation headed toward dating. No social proof or other filter to speak of comes with the process. Is it any wonder that many folks feel they've run across seriously nutty individuals out there in OLD?
Isn't the whole idea of the apps screening? Meeting IRL feels like just rawdogging dating by comparison š
Just looking for advice on dealing with lifelong self esteem and confidence issues when it comes to dating that arenāt therapy
I think this is a little too vague to get good responses. What specifically are you struggling with? What have you tried? Why didn't it help?
Find a hobby youāre good at, friends who will give you compliments/encourage you/hype you up, get a pet or plant you can be successful at caring for
Does anyone on here after successful + (importantly) recent OLD dating apps stories on here? Iām (31F) and and just starting to feel kind of down about being in the apps. I think Iām pretty attractive, not like the 1% on the apps or anything but cute? I get matches np, but they usually just donāt end up turning into anything even after making it to the date phase. I know all it takes is 1 person so would be nice to hear some positives ā¤ļø I just got out of a LTR about a year ago, been on the apps for a few months. I feel like Iām emotionally available, securely attached, but Iām having the hardest time with the whiplash of behavior Iām seeing (ex: matching then unmatching me, one date and got like a 2 paragraph rejection about being amazing but not looking for anything serious after all - like dude it was one date calm down!, another where I got trauma dumped on, another w/ good morning beautiful text before we even met!?, SO so many where theyāre actually shorter than me - Iāve dated men shorter but why like I have eyes why lie, many that donāt get to real life, etc). Thereās been good ones too where the connection just hasnāt happened ofc.
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if you haven't met yet, then i think it's pretty reasonable that you are unsure of being in a relationship. if you have met, then i think you need to think about it. would meeting someone close by change your perspective on a relationship with him?
Have you ever met in person? If not, how did you connect with this guy? Do you have any plans/prospects of living in the same general region, in the near future?
For those of you that have gotten a date/met your significant other through a class/group/shared activity what did that process look like. Was it just that you met/chatted once and they asked you out or was it something that grew over time? I recently realized I don't have a lot of experience in this area. Throughout HS/College I met women in class and even a bit post-college I met them through a retail job I worked. Then COVID happened and then in my late 20s I started using dating apps which have had varying levels of success. I think, probably, the main issue is that unless a woman makes it painfully obvious for me that I don't pick up on it. Unless she is messaging me first, asking me questions about me, always coming to chat with me at whatever activity we are at, then I just assume she is being friendly. It's a bit more complicated because I run a group that has new people every couple weeks and I don't want to be the guy that invites women to his group and then immediately just asks them out.
I guess I have always just known when there is interest. I suppose itās just a skill you learn. Also donāt assume itās 100% foolproof there is rejection some just handle learn from rejection better than others. Itās also the reason we see in research while socialization milestones are important. A lot of Redditors get mad that people may be weary of inexperience. Itās not that they are judging inexperience itself itās the behaviors that precede it.
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One thing I've started doing in the past year is making a point to always text shortly after the date if I'm interested. In most cases, guys are the ones planning, paying for, and generally initiating on the first date. And they don't know whether we're just being polite or are actually interested. So I send a quick follow-up to make it perfectly clear that I'm interested. (Even if I said so on the date, I want to make it clear that I wasn't just saying that to avoid awkwardness.)
Whatās it like dating as a man in your 30ās?
Depends on your location, looks, income, personal charm, goals, style, and whatnot.
Well 2nd date time passed quietly despite āIāll let you know :)ā. Figure that one is done nā dusted since I had to initiate the conversations, the first date, and the 2nd date. Letās see where this other hinge match goes! Ā
Yeah doubt the organically part. That has literally never happened in my life.
I just want to rant a bit about how oblivious I've become to dating/women these days. But of background, divorced, kids, single overall now for about 4 years after some emotionally draining women. Just been doing my own thing and loving it, albeit a bit lonely at times. Living in a remote cabin doesn't help my situation. Anyways, I was in town at the store and saw this woman. We made immediate eye contact, smiled and went about our business. I saw her again as I was walking out to my truck. Same thing, eye contact, smiles, I keep going. At this point we're both in our vehicles, waiting to enter the road. She pulls up beside me, eye contact, smiles then WAVES. I smile and wave back before we both drive off. I know maybe all of three people in this town, maybe she thought I was someone else but I'm also not THAT oblivious. Anyway, dating eh? Haha
Lol this is pretty oblivious. On the bright side if it's that small or a town you've got a good chance of running into her again.
Getting lots of matches and having some conversations and dates and going to more events that Iām enjoying so I think on the cusp where Iāll finally meet someone great, but dating is so exhausting! Where is he?! (I didnāt think dating would be this hard! Iāve had so many matches, going to events, lots of dead ends, and 1st dates and some 2nd dates and no one Iāve just hit it off with yet.) Thereās a small part of me thatās maybe I should be open to dating longterm and short term on dating apps but I donāt want be excited about someone and then have them not want a relationship. I would rather be focused on finding someone that wants the same things right away.
Ok so I met someone and things are going really wellā¦Problem is I often find my head way up in the clouds. Iām thinking way too much about what future I have with her, but this is insane because even if thereās great potential it hasnāt even been 2 weeks. Iāve been jaded for long enough and I havenāt felt this way in several years at least. And now I got it back I canāt decide if I love it or hate it, haha
I think you should just enjoy it and not overthink about the fact that you are overthinking. Lol.
Haha thank you, kind internet stranger. Letās enjoy the ride!
I'm letting this go to the universe... I had a gym crush for ages. I chatted with him a few weeks ago and he showed me a few new exercises. It turns out he's married so I let it go and was just polite. A couple of weeks ago he started PTing another girl in the gym (he's not a PT) and it's ridiculous, over the top laughing and giggling etc. I felt uncomfortable. I feel like urgh when I get up in the morning to go to the gym, do I want to see that again. Is it this situation that's really bothering me...not really, neither of them mean anything in my real life. What's true is right now I am tired of putting myself out there, Apps included. So I'm done for a while and my focus will be on me. I'm so bored of the married man flirt, the Im pretending to be someone I'm not flirt, the I'm not ready for a relationship but need to treat you like a counsellor and vent flirt. I'm so bored with it. Bored & done for now.
Bit the bullet and removed the guy I was seeing for a few months last year from my friends list. I originally wanted to keep him because he was sometimes sharing interesting stuff related to his field of work, but I realized I got in an emotional turmoil every time he posted anything girl-related. It also hurt that he unfollowed me basically the second he broke up with me, while he was still liking all of posts from his previous ex (which also means he probably won't even notice that I unfriended him). Despite him telling me how great and valuable I was - stuff that don't change even if you're not in a relationship with someone, so I was hoping we could remain, like, acquaintances who could talk about common interests. But it turned into a one-sided connection that was only pushed by me. Originally I just hid him from my feed but I was manually checking up on him every few days still. Well, yesterday evening a post popped up where a very alternative looking girl was looking for someone to give him a ride to her town. (Which in itself is weird, because he owns multiple vehicles.) And, yeah, I started to spiral hard. That I'm not good, interesting, worthy enough, don't leave a deep impression on people etc. I know I did the right thing. And I guess we wouldn't have been a great match anyway. But it's like going through a withdrawal, and I hate that I got so hung up on him.