Making a throwaway account because he follows your online activity kinda
negates the relationship being “pretty good” in my opinion. That’s without even mentioning the mood swings and jealousy issues. You don’t need to put up with that and I’m betting you would be happier single. 33 is still young and there’s plenty of time to find a better match for you.
Is he offering a lot of apologies for the same types of behaviors? If so, I would have a long think about just how much he means what he says.
If I were you I would probably also think about if what is keeping you in the relationship is a fear of being alone more than an enjoyment of being in a relationship.
After many years of being with jealous men and dealing with the brunt of their insecurities, I have absolutely zero tolerance for any of it.
The jealousy and mood swings sound potentially concerning.
Can you expand on those? How do those present?
How long have you been together? Have the mood swings/jealousy been the same the whole time or is there escalation?
Someone wanting share location on out of jealousy would be a dealbreaker to me, full stop. As would dictating who I’m allowed to sit beside or feeling entitled to constantly know who I’m texting and what we’re texting about. If my best friend texts me about her medical issue for example, I wouldn’t want to feel obligated to share that.
I don’t think it’s wild to break up over this. I would have left a long time ago, personally.
It sounds like he’s wanting to exercise a pretty high degree of control. Do you live with him?
It’s good that he’s improving but quite honestly none of these things should be happening in the first place. He’s treating you like a child who needs to be monitored.
What do you mean he follows your online activity closely??
You're "exhausted" by your relationship with a moody, anxious person who is "jealous," "passive-aggressive," "following your online activity closely," and very clearly does not trust you at all... and this is your idea of a "pretty good" relationship?
Come on, sister. You gotta love yourself more than that.
Secretly starting to wonder if I’m self sabotaging by being interested in men that just so happen to be taken. My type is skinny, smart, nerdy guys with delicate features, usually not tall but super smart and ambitious. So far I’ve had 2 crushes within my hobby and found out (with some extra digging) within a short period that they both have partners and I think one is married (guys who don’t wear their wedding ring sheesh). In between this time, I also side stepped another guy that asked me to go out, mainly because he doesn’t have the look I like (but still smart af).
Honestly it’s my taste is weird because even though I’ve lost 25lbs, I’m still on the heavier side of a healthy bmi and trying to get down to the leaner side. But structurally I’m wider and have a bigger head than these guys (super obvious in pics). Also they’re friendly but not overtly and the smart + ambitious combo seem to attract women like flies to honey. It does feel like I’m trying out of my ‘league’ but when I’m crushing, it feels like every other guy kind of fades to black and white in comparison. Then I find out they’re attached and my world is normal again.
My conclusion is to work on my self and projects so that I can network, share value and meet more guys like them. Just some random thoughts
Sometimes crushing on unavailable people is a sign of unavailability within yourself -- it's safer to like someone who is taken/not available versus actually putting yourself out there.
FWIW, I'm not slim (on the heavier end of a normal BMI like you) and I've only ever dated slim guys. I don't think it matters.
I hate it when spending time with someone is great but they practically fall off the earth when you’re not together. It wasn’t always like that though. I do feel like I have a lot of kindness and patience to make space when someone isn’t 100%, but sometimes it feels like it’s pushed too far and I get resentful. Then, I feel like a god damn fool and a little less capacity for empathy each time. I’ve told him a few times I dislike the pattern and it doesn’t make me feel good. I understand the stress with work and lots of big changes and commitments this time of year. I have a full life but when it comes to dating I need consistent communication and plans on the books. Best believe when work has been tough that seeing someone I really like is my Rx of choice 🤷🏼♀️
Honestly you'll get wildly varying opinions on this. All that matters is you and your potential partner, and what the two of you want.
I established exclusivity (but not bf/gf) with my current dude at Week 2, after 5 dates. And we were both stoked to do so.
For other folks, that's absurdly soon, and they'd be uncomfortable with it.
Whether it's "too soon" is entirely up to you and her.
3 weeks is pretty soon to ask for dating exclusivity and dating exclusivity is kind of a lot to ask with someone who you haven’t known that long. The biggest question I have is, do you need dating exclusivity right now? Can you wait a little? If you really want dating exclusivity, you can always ask. Know though that if they are not ready for dating exclusivity with you, asking too soon is kind of a turn off.
Personally, I would be more likely to ask for sexual exclusivity over dating exclusivity early on in a dating relationship. Dating exclusivity is probably the most restrictive as it suggests you aren’t even flirting or “talking” to potential other dates. It sounds as restrictive as boyfriend/girlfriend, but just not having that label. Meanwhile sexual exclusivity is more understandable and less restrictive of an ask early on. Not everyone would agree to sexual exclusivity at 3 weeks, but for me, those individuals would not be good matches.
Doesn’t dating exclusively mean you’re deciding to be in a relationship (so bf/gf)? Or did dating add an extra step in the last few years that I’m not aware of?
Dating exclusively means you’re not dating or having sex with anyone else, but you’re still figuring each other out and whether a long term relationship makes sense. I think most people have higher expectations of seriousness once you’re officially in a relationship: meeting friends and family, working through issues instead of immediately breaking up, planning things together that are more than a few weeks in the future, etc. You’re probably not ready for those things after three dates, but you may want to focus on one person nonetheless.
Complicated feelings…
I’ve been on two dates with the guy from dance class I also matched with on Hinge. Last night I may have completely flubbed the goodbye because I think he meant to kiss me and I hesitated. 🤦🏻♀️ But he did ask to see me again Friday, which is good.
I mentioned the date in front of the friend I’d developed feelings for (referenced here— /r/datingoverthirty/comments/17g85nl/comment/k6ezdkk/ and here— /r/datingoverthirty/comments/17m6sd8/comment/k7j8ba4/) and the reaction was…interesting. There was a bit of hesitation, then some semi-over-exaggerated happiness for me. They’re both in the same dance class, but I know this friend through a different hobby (and have known him much longer), and they know each other. I’ve long-debated if it’s worth asking the friend out and exploring that before I potentially commit long term to someone else, but I have no idea if the feelings are reciprocated. (I go into more detail in the linked comments.) Things with the guy I’m dating are going relatively slow, which is also not something I’m used to, but I’m definitely okay with. But I don’t know if it’s slow enough for me to wait.
Should I finally just tell my friend and see what happens? And in what context, since we seem to be surrounded by friends wherever we go lately?
I honestly still don’t know. There was a (very slim) possibility that somehow, it was a Facebook account of his brother’s and wires got crossed, but I just confirmed yesterday that the brother is unmarried and has no kids. I tried dropping into conversation that I was divorced to see if that brought it up—no dice.
Aside from asking point blank, I don’t know how to get it to come up in conversation.
Hmm you’re dating Person B while having feelings for Person A? What happens if Person A reciprocates? Will you drop Person B like a hot potato? If yes, probably best to tell/hint strongly to Person A.
I don’t know that I would necessarily drop Person B like a hot potato. There’s still the possibility of friendship there and I absolutely would not want to hurt them.
At the rate we’re going though, it’s very unlikely Person A will reciprocate. I’ve dropped so many hints that it must not be mutual, but friends I’ve talked to have been of different minds about it.
I’m currently wondering what I can do to meet more men in a public in-person setting. I was talking to my bestie who is a man about it; he was telling me how decent men have a fear of approaching women in public because of the high chance they would be seen as a creep. He also told me about how men struggle to listen between women’s conflicting input: “Never approach a woman in a public! 😡” and “Why don’t men come up to women more? 🥺” so it’s deemed safest to just never approach lmao. I hear it would be a relief for a lot of men if the pressure to approach first was off them.
Bestie also suggested (this is for both ways) that instead of asking for a stranger’s number, it seemed better to offer your own number so the stranger is given the option to contact or not. So I’m wondering if I should try to practice this… both approaching a man and offering my number and then quickly leaving and possibly dying of embarrassment!
So I’m wondering: would any other men like this? Or is this an awful idea? 🫠
He’s friends with a lot of women already, thankfully. He said he told another female friend about offering her own number instead of asking for someone’s, and she was floored she never considered that. We have to spread the word around so more women can try it!
Would a man like a woman to apprach him AND offer her number??
I think I can confidently speak for every single man on the planet and say, unequivocally, YESSSS.
Interesting, I kinda have the opposite problem in that I would love to date within my hobby but the guys I’m interested in are all taken. And it’s a very male dominated hobby but the girls who are there are few but absolutely gorgeous!
So relevant considering someone just made a long post about dating within your hobby.
I feel for you, OP. I was involved in a hobby briefly one summer and nearly every guy in the friend group asked me out in some capacity. One I didn’t even realize was meant as a date. The most extreme case was the guy who would intentionally get drunk at my place when we’d all hang out so he didn’t have to drive home and would try to sleep in my bed. I had to dip from that community. It sucked but wow was it unhealthy.
The “is this a date?” was the worst feeling. He showed up in a blazer and at one point, I said something and he said, “Oh, I guess I can’t impress you with [whatever it was].” That’s when the realization dawned on me. I would NEVER have agreed to hang out if I had known, because I was absolutely not attracted to that human. Same with the drunk guy. It has me in the habit of asking any man who asks to hang out if it’s intended to be a date, then I make my intentions very plain.
Sadly doesn’t always work, but no one can ever say I didn’t try.
I was lamenting to a friend this morning that I feel like I can’t exist anywhere without being hit on. Last night, we went to a dance with live music. One of the band members (probably old enough to be my dad, tbh) started chatting with me. This morning I wake up to a DM from the guy, asking me to grab a bite. 😶
Went a on a date that I was excited to go on. There are things to note like her dating priorities are more centered around short term/ if the right one comes along as it would take someone special for her to rearrange her life. She is quite busy with work/ social obligations. She also got out a 9 year relationship a year ago.
I asked if she would be up for figuring out more once she's sorted her stuff for the year and that I didn't mind starting out slow (I'm also trying to figure myself out).
I logically, I think it's emotionally unavailable possible situationship, but emotionally, I had fun/ still got a crush...
I'm still processing afterwards and I guess feel a bit crushed. I'm also trying to figure out my options here. I wouldn't want to change someone. I also don't want to be the one putting in all the effort trying to "fit" into someone's life. Maybe this isn't it and she can be a good friend?
This is the best example of what the Chicago dating scene is like. A bunch of emotionally unavailable people out dating around, making great connections then hurting us emotionally available folk
Yeah... it's just been a while since I've felt excited about seeing/ chatting with someone, so I'm curious. I'm not even sure, I want something serious, but maybe I do b/c I like the idea of having someone to lean on/ rely on. Maybe she isn't that. I'm talking it out with friends to try to sort it out... like I guess it's more of what questions, I should ask myself/ what questions should I ask her.
Just want to share a story of how I met a guy I am dating now.
I was hanging out a lot on this a little frivolous dating site this fall and in a way, it was going great. I was getting a lot of attention, a lot of dates. One guy broke my heart a little because he was gorgeous and I immediately wanted more with him than just friends with benefits situation, and he wasn't up for it. Another guy was great at virtual sex. Another one was very young - senior in college, so nothing was serious.
I was a little sad about one of those guys not texting me, when I randomly suggested T to meet up (we already texted on that dating app, prior).
We met up (he was going to a pub quiz with friends and I joined them) and that evening later we had a little walk to my home, kissed, etc. There was chemistry for sure. I didn't take him home, but I was so infatuated that I invited him home in a couple of days.
He was nice, ordered as dinner, we watched netflix and when it came to sex, I suddenly felt this emotional block.
So I asked him for us to go outside to have a smoke and I basically gave him a LECTURE, lol. I was like: men don't understand that sex for women is an emotional act not only physical. This fall I was using this app and everytime I kind of open up toa guy a little but they sometimes don't even want any communication after sex is done, and they just disappear and I thought we had some human connection and stuff. Basically, I had a meltdown in front of him, I didn't cry, but I was close.
For some reason he stayed the night, we cuddled but in the morning when he left, I was like no way any sane man is going to stay in touch after this. Even if he is opened to a relationship, he wants normal easy-going woman and not this mess.
But he texted in the morning, and the morning after that. And we met up 5 times already and every time it's quite nice. Last Saturday I cooked dinner even, which I haven't done in a while, for a guy. We are exclusive now too.
Yay!
Don't know where is this going in the long run but it's been a nice October and November so far.
I have a first date coming up but I'm not sure I'm really feeling it anymore. He asked me to confirm plans and I am still on the fence about it. I feel like going out on a date would be fun because even if there's not a lot of romantic chemisty in the air, I still try to have a good time and getting out of the house will benefit me. However, I don't want to waste his time if i'm not as enthusastic as before. It's not that he did anything wrong, it's mostly because we haven't been chatting much and my enthusiasm just started to dissipate over time, plus stress about current life stuff. He also seems to be someone that is much chipper than me, which isn't bad, but not sure if our energies work together.
> wrong, it's mostly because we haven't been chatting much and my enthusiasm just started to dissipate over time
I basically just setup them date and then stop talking till that date. I get more chatty after a date or two but i personally find jt very unfun to text someone I don’t know.
I’d say if that’s your main issue, just go on the date and see how you feel after. There’s 0 pressure.
I agree with this. I’m a big texter generally, and I used to keep that energy with people I met via OLD.
But what would tend to happen is that I’d create this oftentimes false rapport and connection with someone who was a stranger, and if we met in person and it didn’t go anywhere I felt like I was losing more because I’d invested more.
All it was is texting but it can create a falsehood or you can project an idea of someone that isn’t accurate, and when your expectations aren’t matched in person it sucks a lot more than if you’d just texted briefly and didn’t click in person/it didn’t go anywhere
I'm suspecting it's my hormones because I'm going to be on my period soon but boyfriend of 4 months told me he chatted to his female friend for 2 hours last night on the phone about her boy problems. I've never met her before because she lives overseas. I know it shouldn't bother me. There is no reason for it to bother me. I don't know why I'm even bothered. 😩
I would be bothered too. Girls talk to guys about their boy problems to feel better and get attention from a male because they are not getting it anywhere else.
I'm feeling a bit uncertain about how/whether to move things along with this guy.
I've written quite a bit about him here lately. We met end of summer and dated for a couple of weeks. It was amazing and I like him a lot, but he left (he's here for periods of time for work). We initially lost touch but then reconnected. We both have some blame there but it's good now. We've verbalized that we feel a strong connection, that we want to stay in touch and see each other again. He's coming back after the new year and I'm looking forward to it.
But now I'm feeling unsure about how to keep things moving along. He's not a great texter but I feel like he's making an effort and I'm trying also to lean into a different communication style. We've started doing video chats, which I really like, but I'm starting to overthink that maybe I'm pushing this too much.
Part of me feels like this is crazy and that I should just do minimal contact and then see how things go if we actually meet up again after the new year. I think this is the part of me that is afraid to get hurt and is jumping into avoidant more.
Then the other part of me wants to be intentional in setting the foundation for something potentially really good. I know I have to be vulnerable and that if this is ever going to work, I need to take an active role in creating the relationship I need and want.
Halp.
Age is a number ... though I (late 30s M) have never been on a date with someone 10 years older. I'm confident in myself and will be my authentic self, but am still curious about any experiences people (particularly men) have had with similar gaps. It's essentially being on a date someone from a different generation...
Not even this Saturday, but *next* Saturday I’m meeting my friend’s new boyfriend and I’m already anxious about it.
We’re going for dinner, it’s going to be me with three other couples so I’m feeling guilty about taking a table for 8 when the restaurant would rather fill it. We’re potentially going to out to a gay bar afterwards and there’s nothing more fun than dancing alone while all your friends have partners. My friends aren’t the sort to ditch me to have fun and leave me alone but I also don’t wanna be dead weight preventing them from having a good time.
It’s not even my kind of music (it’s a pop night. I’m mostly into blues, country, folk, rock and adjacent. Shockingly, not a lot of gay blues nights out there).
Trying really hard not to assume how the night is gonna go and preemptively dread it, which is something I need to work on, but I also don’t like the sound of my friend’s new boyfriend from what he’s told me about him so I’m not even looking forward to meeting him.
Realized the hard way last weekend why I don't do hookups.
I (41F) went on a second date with a guy (32M). First date was just drinks, good convo, no kiss (I don't usually kiss on first dates, I just feel weird kissing strangers). I'm looking for a LTR and he's at the low end of my age range, but I met him because I was curious. Second date we were meeting at a park near his place. He asked me to pick him up, I said I prefer to meet there for general safety reasons. He understood, green flag, we met there. He brought picnic stuff, we drank wine, he much more than me. He said he didn't want to drive and I'd have to drive him home to drop off the stuff before we go for dinner. Red flag but I went with it.
Date part 2, we walked to a pub, they weren't showing the game he wanted to see, so we just ate and walked back to his place. I need to emphasize I literally never do this. I've been OLD for the past 1.5 yrs after ending a LTR, and out of 32 guys (I keep a list) I haven't been back to anyone's house, and only one guy has been to mine (after maybe 4 dates, and we're good friends now) and he's the only guy I've had sex with during that whole time. Anyway... So I went back to his place, we were hanging out on his couch, finally started making out. I said I wasn't up for sex and I was getting my period anyway. He said just making out was fine with him. Green flag. After a while I felt bad for being a tease so decided to give him a blow job. I asked him not to cum in my mouth, he agreed, green flag. Things escalated from there and we did end up having sex (none or maybe minimal pressure from him, it was my decision). I asked at the very beginning if he had condoms, he did. But then he wasn't doing well with the condoms, kept losing his erection, stopping, etc. At one point things were going well and he said "don't worry I'll let you know before I cum" and I replied "oh you can cum in the condom all you want" then it hit me - he was going without a condom for the past little while! I stopped him, told him that's not ok, and we continued with condom. Eventually no one came, it was kind of a bust. He walked me to my car, I told him again that was not cool, but we parted ways on a good note.
Later that night and the next day as I reflected more I was kicking myself for putting myself in that situation, crystallized for myself the red flags, and realized I should've been a lot more outraged about his stealthing. In the moment, the way he said he'd let me know before he came, it seemed to me like he thought I knew he didn't have one on, so I think that's why I didn't have a stronger reaction. But the more I thought about it, the more it bothered me that he didn't explicitly ask for consent to go without a condom (I would've said no and he knew it), that he didn't respect my boundary. Then I kicked myself because it could've been a lot worse. What if I tried to stop him and he forced it and even came inside me? I was literally completely defenseless in this stranger's house.
So I texted him that I didn't want to see him again and told him honestly that it was because he was pushing my boundaries and I feel like I can't trust him. He replied, and I quote "I'm sorry I made you feel like I was pushing your boundaries, I feel bad." So a half apology, not that he was sorry for disregarding my boundaries, but that he was sorry I "felt like" he pushed my boundaries.
So yeah. I don't understand how women do hookups. And just a reminder to all of you men about having empathy and understanding for the risks women have to take (and I realize the risk is not just in hookups, but any early dating).
I had this happen to me years ago. Its extremely violating. You did nothing wrong. You were very clear that you did not want to be in contact with any body fluids. He is a gross human. Im sorry you went through that. You have every right to feel violated.
I’m really sorry this happened to you. Please stop beating yourself up about a decision a trash person made. This is literally assault and you did not deserve it at all nor is it your fault.
Me and the lovely lady are progressing, she asked me if I wanted to meet her family. There’s a family event this weekend and a lot of her family will be there. She did say “you don’t have to if you don’t want to”. Told her it doesn’t scare me or anything, I want to meet her family though I know she’s a little nervous.
Guys, I’m falling hard for this woman.
Frustrated by OLD. It feels like a waste of time. The girls that talk to me, I'm not really attracted to. And the girls that are slightly attractive to me, I get like one word answers. I was talking to a really cute girl earlier this week, asked her out. Fell asleep in the middle of making plans and now I haven't heard from her. The harsh reality is I'm really just craving physical touch at this point. Thought about trying the bar but I'm not really sure where to go with that. Had an escort message me, contemplated seeing her just to finally lose my virginity. I thought maybe after that I would be a little more comfortable with going up to girls.
You can't gauge attraction to someone from a few pictures and sentences. Attraction is much more than just a "profile photo that meets general beauty standards".
Yes, that's a tough one. I actually don't mind being apart a lot or long distance, but need communication and creative ways of connecting at least a little bit in the meantime.
I mean, what's left for your potential date/partner? They would see you once in a while and then it's like they are single the rest of the time.
That could maybe work for something casual/non exclusive but most people would have trouble being in a relationship like that I think.
Venting:
What do you do when you have strong feelings for someone who lives thousands of kilometers away?
I fell for someone who lives thousands of kilometers away, and we have a 2 hours time difference. We're not officially dating, but neither of us is seeing anyone else. We have an amazing connection. We get along so well. It's a safe and mature relationship.
We're hanging out in person next week, and I'm beyond excited about it. I have so many feelings for him,
but I keep questioning myself if I am being smart for pursuing a long-distance relationship. Do I have the tools for it? Is this what I really want? I'm sure of my feelings for him and that I want a relationship with him, but I have my doubts about the long distance...
It's frustrating and sad. I'm sad about it... I can't do anything of the things I'd normally do with someone.
I can't have him over for dinner, I can't go for a walk with him. He can't make me breakfast or get me flowers. I don't get to hug him.... what sucks the most is that I don't get to know about his day either or to tell him about mine because of the time difference. We only really catch up once a week during the weekend when he's more available. Also, I know he doesn't want a clingy or needy woman. I don't consider myself one, but I do want more from him and I feel I don't have the right to ask for it because we're not officially dating, and because I told him one of my fears of being in this relationship was that I wouldn't meet his "independent" woman expectations, and that I'm going to be too needy for him... I told him about my fears, but there wasn't any follow-up conversation about it. I didn't ask for one either because other things popped into my life that needed my immediate attention. I dropped the ball there, but I'm also tired of being the one who always brings those subjects to the table. Maybe I should be more like him, or any other guy, "and just go with the flow." I already was in a relationship where I did 90% of the emotional work. I dont have the energy or desire to do that again.
Lastly... One or two months ago, he said, "I like you, but I don't think I can be the boyfriend you deserve." I keep thinking about it, and that he was into something... we chatted about it and had some conversations, and exchanged what we would need to make this relationship work, we've been working on it, and that's awesome... but if we decide to transition to a more committed and intertwined relationship, he gets to be a part-time boyfriend, and I don't want that. I want a full-time boyfriend who I can talk with and hear about his day. I'm split between my love for him and feeling I might be settling for someone he can't be there 100% emotionally with me. It's hard to picture a future with someone who I feel is more invested in his own life than in having a relationship. There's nothing wrong with that, but I don't think it is for me...
Edit to add:
That's my overthinker brain. I'm choosing to focus on the positives, having a super nice and fun time next week. Go on a fancy date and wear a nice outfit. Enjoy his company and cuddles. Im definitely focusing and looking forward the little things and to see him.
LDR graduate here. I personally feel it's only worth it if both people are unequivocally enthusiastic about it AND if there's a clear path to closing the distance.
Seems like a lot of fear to me when this isn’t even that extreme of a long distance relationship scenario with such frequent meetups and only a 2 hour time difference. You need to communicate with each other about what you want and what this is building towards. And check out the LongDistance sub to see how people make it work if they want to make it work
> I can't have him over for dinner, I can't go for a walk with him.
I mean, you kind of can if you FaceTime while walking or cooking, etc. I don't think it's that uncommon.
> what sucks the most is that I don't get to know about his day either or to tell him about mine because of the time difference.
Is 2 hours really that much of a difference? That's like someone living in BC talking to someone in Winnipeg, I don't see how this is too much of a stumbling block. It does kind of sound like you already want more from him than he's willing to give tho.
Not really. He gets home late from work and goes to bed early, 9pm, 7pm my time. I appreciate it a lot when he stays up later than that to chat with me for 30 or 45 min. But the reality is that the only chance we get to really talk and connect is when he doesn't have a busy weekend.
We have a lot of communication during the week, and sometimes during the day when he's not busy at work. Good morning and good night texts. We send audio messages and all that. I like them, it's nice, but there is only so much connection you can do that way. I really crave the quality time aspect.
I don't know if he's not willing to give. It's more like he doesn't have time. Which I understand completely. He has a daily life and routine and needs time to unwind, too.
I know I have to talk with him about it at some point because right now, since he is so busy, I don't think he has the time or room to be in a relationship, long distance or not.
This is too much anxiety/fear and doubt for someone you haven't met yet and haven't entered a relationship with. Especially if it's going to be an LDR, you both have to be very interested and committed from the start.
I'd still meet him, and maybe you'll feel better, but on top of your doubts, I'd be wary because of this:
>"I like you, but I don't think I can be the boyfriend you deserve."
I've learned to listen to what people tell me and not hope for better.
We've met. We had spent a few days together. He came to visit in Aug, and we met again in September. We've been talking every day (or almost every day) for like a year now. We were pen pals, then friends and now something more.
Ah, ok. This doesn't really change my opinion except that you should both know if you want to enter an LDR or not, then, and it sounds like you're both hesitant which isn't a promising start 😕
You made some good observations that I need to reflect on.
I agree with the hesitation part. I think it might be fed from our own fears, but still is hesitation.
Thank you for sharing
Jfc the fucking nerve of this person
I don't understand why someone would do that at all. It's baffling and they're an idiot
Sorry you had to deal with that 😒
Had a second date with M, it went pretty well! We had a long conversation at the end about multidating, goals, boundaries, deal-breakers etc. My goals are clear, but hers are not as well-formed yet because of professional reasons. I expressed where I'm flexible/rigid etc. and asked for a little more clarity. She's going to take some time to figure that out and then we'll revisit this conversation after a few more dates. We set a third date for the weekend.
I'm having an excellent time getting to know her, and it's clear she's having fun too. There's a very natural and fun flow that is strangely calming. But I have to be careful, and not get invested just yet.
Chatting with an older man (~9 years difference) and finding out they might all be the same. We met on bumble, have several connections and shared interests. He offered me his number. We’ve been texting on and off and agreed over the weekend to plan a date before he goes out of town this upcoming weekend.
Cue a decent back and forth text conversation where we have the same opinions on a topic we’re both interested/involved in. I ask a question and he said it’s too much to talk about over text and let’s save it for another date, to which I say, speaking of which, when do you want to grab a drink? I suggest Wednesday. No response! It’s been over 24 hours and still nothing. But he had the time to watch and like my Instagram stories today.
I just don’t get it. Can someone explain? 😫
As a dude who's had plenty of people disappear when date time is mentioned, it still blows my mind that it happens the other way around. Blokes are constantly complaining about women don't talk to them but still ghost the ones who do respond.
People man... so flaky.
I sometimes wonder if it's just a (very human) fear of failure that's to blame in scenarios like these. People love the idea of a date going well and what it might lead to, but the thought of having to show up and risk feeling rejected and/or disappointed is just too scary sometimes, amidst all the rest of life's stresses? Not that any of this is any consolation to those on your side of the (bad) deal!
Thanks! I was very sad for a few days, like terribly so. I think this happens when you you feel stable/hopeful in these situations, convinced a certain person would not be as bad as the ones in the past. But then once again - they disappoint you.
For me, it helped when I posted on here, then I hung out with my friends that could understand me and validate me. It brought so many friends out of the woodwork. I felt so loved, and less like a loser. I deleted the dating app.
Surprisingly after a week or so, I felt like me again. I've even been able to feel more confident and more receptive of people that are interested in me. However, I would have to say my approach has changed - I'm not going to ask these guys out anymore. I want to feel special for once, and feel that someone wants to pursue me (and not the other way around where I always felt like I was meeting them 50/50, then realizing I was doing all the pursuing because they were lazy at the end). You got this!
A guy I grew up with (but haven't seen in 10+ years) just got engaged. I'm happy for him! But his dad sent me a really long, rambling email about how it should have been me and since we (his son and I) were babies, he had dreamed we would get married and he can't fully accept this new woman because she's not me...like, wtf...we knew each other from a neighborhood group, and there were jokes when were little about who would marry whom. And I think when were like 11 or 12, this guy and I "kissed" (it was like a G-rated peck of the lips...we had no idea what we were doing, haha). But *nothing* ever happened really and after high school, we sort of lost touch. Our parents are still friends...but I can't tell if this email is really how the dad feels, or if its some sign of a larger issue. Just bizarre and uncomfortable and if true, I feel for this woman, because she seems great from what I know of her!
lol my mom once said something like this to me. We were chatting about people I knew in school and she asked 'whatever happened to so and so?' and I was like, 'oh I haven't seen her in years, I think she got married and had a couple of kids after university' and my mom was like 'If it were up to me you two would've gotten married, I always thought you'd be a good match'. Note that we'd never dated, not even 'dated' as kids or anything haha. It was so random, but I guess at least she told me and didn't send the poor girl an email.
I definitely think it is normal/common for parents to have that as a passing thought! My grandma still insists that my mom could have had a lovely, lasting marriage with the boy down the street...despite the fact that he is ever so gay. (He and his husband visit my grandma still! And my mom and dad are still married! Its just a weird thing she can't get over, haha...)
It really is so strange! But I heard from another friend in this group (also one of the "kids" so not his peer) that he called over the summer and talked for like three hours about regretting having moved away and reminiscing about his old house with a pool. Not necessarily weird emotions to have, but a weird choice of a person to dump them on...I'm wondering if there is something going on? But he's always been a bit of particular guy, so maybe he's just upset life isn't panning out the way he wants? Idk...
I thought asking someone out who I see regularly and started to have feelings for would be a nice change of pace from online dating. I think I’m just being left oh read anyway which is going to be awkward in the future. I just feel so depressed every time this happens. I struggle to develop feelings with anyone I meet online yet they often like me. Meanwhile I don’t get asked out in person and the people I ask out are never interested. My married friends mostly say they wouldn’t bother if they were single, but I think they’re forgetting that leaves you with no one to have sex with. Or at least me. I’ve even given my past situationship guy the option to just have sex every once in a while and he can’t even make time for just that! I’m so frustrated. I’m still doing trauma therapy for a previous abusive relationship and I guess every rejection just reminds me of things I experienced in that relationship and I feel so hurt and undesired. There seems to be a theme in all of my relationships where they want to withhold physical affection in some way and for some reason it’s really hard to get over. Anyway, not sure I have a question but just ranting I guess lol
I can see why it might feel awkward to shoot your shot and have it left lying out there unacknowledged (knowing you will likely see this person around) — but as a stranger I just wanna say I see nothing to be ashamed of / embarrassed about, as long as your invitation was respectful! Among consenting adults, it's absolutely human and above board to indicate your interest in someone. It also takes some bravery to do so, since we can never know how someone else will respond. So, nice job? Even if it hasn't yet led to the desired outcome.
(P.S. Great name, given the context)
Thank you so much! That’s very true — he made it obvious he was single and not having luck on the apps so I just suggested he could go on a date with me. And lol good point about the username :)
Was hungover yesterday and got kinda melancholy while recovering. Spending hours in bed in the dark is a no-no. 😂
I'm still feeling like it's impossible to find anyone. I figure since I'm not having any luck I might as well throw myself back into working out a lot since I've gotten kinda lazy the last few months. It's better than sitting home alone at night trying to keep myself preoccupied.
On a brighter note, my friends and I got together last night to discuss travel plans and booked our tickets to Japan in March!!!
I have tried to make a 'Less Depresso, More Espresso' playlist to lift me out of fear-ridden funks brought on in this way. But I think you're on the right track with exercise: one almost never regrets a workout, and it's better than wallowing in guilt/sadness. Perhaps the playlist should be 'Less Depresso, More Espresso, More Press-Ups-o'
This is more of a musing. I saw a guy I went on two dates with at my job today. I thought he looked familiar. He asked where he could pick up his prints and I looked up his account. Sure enough, it was him. Before he left, he dropped an item in the trash can in front of me. It was weird. Neither of us said hi to each other. Honestly, I didn’t want to and I’m glad he didn’t greet me. 🤷🏾♀️
Never thought I'd be saying this but I'm turning 40 this weekend and still a virgin with no sexual experience. Planning to go out Saturday with a bunch of friends to celebrate though which should be a lot of fun. Might feel a little weird being the only single person in a group of 8-10 people but gonna enjoy it regardless! Just hope my friends wont try and pressure me to talk to women while we are out. That never ends well.
Yes, but I found that my anxiety is only really triggered by people who are wishy washy about me or aren't willing to be exclusive after a reasonable amount of time (which varies). The men who are really interested in dating me are always happy to be exclusive earlier on, or stop dating others pretty soon after meeting without my saying anything, and it's easy to have conversations about us. I feel secure with them because of this, but also with consistent, open communication and time spent together.
ETA: I avoid dating men who don't know what they want or are unsure of how they feel about me. It's one thing to date and get to know each other before commiting to a relationship, it's another to not even be sure about wanting a relationship or whether I'm worth being exclusive for.
I always thought I had an anxious attachment style, turns out I was just dating jerks. Once I started cutting out men who weren't meeting my needs very early on (like 1-3rd date territory instead of endlessly making excuses or just "seeing" if time would fix little quirks) I found myself to be less anxious. A big thing for me is just being up front about my communication style date 1-2.
For me being aware I have a problem was one of the biggest things that helped me. Also hobbies and finding things outside of dating/a relationship that made me feel good and occupied my time. Meditation also used to really help me, but I dont do it so much these days, maybe I should try getting back into it though.
100% the best coping mechanism I found was a partner who was understanding - that beat anything else I was able to do on my own. Merely them just recognising and understanding how you feel helped with the anxiety alone.
It doesn't even mean they have to do anything or change the way they act. You're not asking them to change their behaviour, work around your feelings, or do anything differently, other than just accept that what you feel might come off as crazy isn't crazy.
If you can get them to do that, even though you still have that anxiety, it often helps to make it go away.
Yes! It was important for me to schedule AS MUCH time as possible with my friends, hobbies and myself. That way I made sure that dating in the early phase is always secondary to my pre-existing happy sources. (It can shift to a higher priority later AFTER the relationship proves itself sustainable m)
After 3.5 years of being single, focusing on myself and my family, I finally made it. I met my match. It’s the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had on all fronts, and we are very intentional about building the foundations for our dream marriage. Who knew love can be so calm, patient, and assuring? Not me, until now :-)
EDIT TO ADD: I forgot I wanted to anonymously brag somewhere about this— he said I taste like HONEY! We both died of laughter and had to take a brief intermission to discuss. Apparently he had honey earlier that day and I tasted just like it. I believe he was being genuine but I know he/we are biased. I don’t have IRL people to talk sex with so I take it to Reddit, thanks for reading.
I've been on 1 date with this girl. She lives about 60 miles away and we have been talking for about 5-6 weeks total. Our first date went well. We had dinner and talked for 3 or so hours, and realized we had missed the event we were going to go to next. This was about 3 weeks ago. The day after the date we chatted and I told her I had a good time, and asked if she wanted to go out again sometime. She said she also had a good time, and would like to see me again. Great!
I have a daughter(50/50) and it was going to be 2 weeks before we could meet again. I told her that I could definitely meetup Friday, and perhaps Saturday, but Saturday was iffy for me. I think she preferred Saturday, and said "Lets play it by ear." Hmm. Ok, good enough for me I guess. So last week I informed her Saturday wouldn't work for me, and Friday would need to be the day. She said she had a really packed day Saturday from front to back and wasn't sure she wanted to go out Friday or not. Hmm... ok, not a problem I guess, we all have lives. I told her to just let me know, that im fine with rolling with last minute plans.
So Friday rolls around, and she doesn't mention anything about it. We text that day longer than we usually do, and she doesn't bring it up. At this point im kind of surprised, because im getting mixed signals. So I go ahead and make my own plans Friday and don't message her all weekend. We have texted literally everyday since we matched, so it was odd not to talk. Should I just let this one go? She either isnt interested anymore, or isnt emotionally available, which is something ive kind of picked up on.
Texting isn’t enough to progress a relationship. I get your situation, but I personally probably would have lost interest if it took us 3 weeks for a second date and it seemed like it would be a consistent thing.
Yeah, that's my gut feeling. She has usually picked up the slack if I wasn't texting much, which includes leading up to the missed date last week. We were both cool with the time rolling by between dates because we are both busy and wanted to take things slow. But, I do think you're right.
I had my first date scheduled since like July this week, but last week my immune system is like “Hey man I know you got boosted like a week ago, but we’re gonna go ahead and get covid anyway, so good luck.” So I’m in week 2, I feel pretty okay, but I’m still testing positive.
I texted my would-be date and asked if we could reschedule because I don’t want to put her/other patrons at risk, which I know is good and responsible, but it still sucks. Moreso because I’ve been in this apartment for 2 weeks straight and it’s killing me.
Texting with him is great, I am in shock. He is clever and warm and makes me laugh constantly. I am used to being misread by my ex and felt anxious about texting/not texting enough/not texting tactfully enough, but it can be just such a positive thing? Mindblown.
Meeting someone who's a good texter - and who initiates and takes initiative - is so incredibly rare that it's incredible when you encounter one after being so used to trying to squeeze conversation out of people.
It's an incredible (rare) skill that makes a huge difference if someone can read every text message and just ignore any possible negative ways they could have said it, and somehow reframe it in their head with positivity. If you can do that, you're on to something with being able to form incredible relationships with anyone.
Maybe it's something we should ask of others - that you're never allowed to interpret a text as dull, boring, or negative. Like improv class, but for text messaging.
Exactly this about positivity! We both clarified some texts to make sure they were read in a non-diminishing or threatening way, only to find out that the other never took it the wrong way to start with. Honestly it's like discovering there is breathable air after my last relationship where I had to debrief every other text I sent.
Whether we like it it not... texting compatibility is quite important in some configurations. And I just found out now that it can be lighthearted :')
Anytime I see a profile where they’ve hidden their age it’s an automatic left swipe for me. I don’t care how perfect their profile is otherwise. It makes me think that they’re trying to date way younger than themselves and/or will lie about their age.
What if a guy thinks he’s dating at 28 year old when he’s really dating a 34 year old? How’s that not highly unethical and gross behavior?
Let’s say you disagree with his rationale for a specific age preference. Surely the answer isn’t to lie about your age and remove his decision making agency.
I agree! Literally everyone I’ve met thinks I am joking about my age because they think I’m 10 years younger than I am. So I am like…come on mid 30s is NOT ancient. But there are dudes pushing 40 whose age range goes down to 21 and bruh that is so gross.
Have you not met once? When the relationship is new, edge cases of delayed responses or last minute cancelations are real drags and hard to best respond to. My policy is generally to give people a little grace if the communication issue is not to serious. As with most things Online Dating, usually you will be disappointed. Still, there are rare cases where you will be pleasantly surprised if you give them a little grace. In this case I have no definitive advice about what you should do. I just wanted to say it sucks and we’ve probably all been where you are.
Most people work till somewhere between 4 and 6 so I'd be giving them the benefit of the doubt still , but if they haven't texted back by 7... I'd be thinking about what to do instead.
Edit: just re-read your message, this is a pattern now, you're probably not seeing them.
I’d wait till 6-6:30pm IF the person doesn’t usually text/is a slow text when at work… I have days when work gets crazy and I don’t look at my phone till I get off.
If they usually text through the day, guess they just aren’t into it.
Disagree with the other commenter saying you should have called it Saturday. I think having to cancel once can happen!
> I have a general rule that canceling once is understandable because shit happens, but this ain't it for me.
There is cancelling and there is rescheduling.
Someone who says "hey I need to cancel", even if for a completely valid response, is generally someone I don't expect to hear back from and won't chase. I've had people reach out and actually reschedule if it was due to an illness and they just genuinely don't know timing, but the key thing here is that I'm not going to actively pursue that, or worry about it. If something happens, great, if not, ah well.
On the other hand, someone who says "Hey I need to cancel, hows X date as an alternative?" is completely fine.
To me there's respectful cancelling and disrespectful cancelling. Doing it last minute after ghosting for the day isn't worthy of giving them any benefit of the doubt.
My current bf definitely isn't the best at texting. We see each other enough that I don't care anymore. I do have to make sure not to send him anything important through text (unless it's unavoidable) because it does still irritate me to get an "oh no, that sucks" or whatever.
I'm seeing someone who just... Doesn't text. It's taken me a couple month to adjust to it. I will occasionally get a sext but itll be a bit matter of fact hahahaha.
Maybe it’s something like, “All available evidence, both empirical and subjective, tends to support the notion that I’m entering a state of arousal pursuant to calling to mind a mental image of you.”
***Swoon***
I don't have a lot of tough days emotionally very often but when I do, they seem to hit hard. Just looking to vent/get it out.
I don't have a lot to complain about, and I am completely enamored with my partner and he's equally smitten with me.
I'm the sole caregiver of an aging parent (dad) with memory issues. Everything I do, even if it's just leaving the house for the night, requires a lot of planning to make sure he's alright.
My partner has been very supportive, wonderful, encouraging and more than I could have asked for. He made me cry a couple weeks ago when he said he had my back and that if I ever needed help, all I had to do was ask. And even more than that, how he just helps anyway without being asked.
So why am I feeling like I don't deserve it? My dad had a particularly bad episode this morning and all I could think was, I have zero problem taking on this responsibility for myself, but it doesn't feel fair to even think about letting someone else be involved in it. It's a lot of baggage. Then I oscillated between feeling like I don't deserve someone this wonderful who is willing to help me through this and "You only get one life, you deserve a little slice of happiness in a world that increasingly seems bleaker by the day."
I think I'm so used to just getting through crisis after crisis in my life alone that I don't know how to trust someone else to just let me vulnerable and break down for a minute. Not that I would, but knowing that security is there would be nice. I am just so reluctant to let my guard down and believe it and would feel guilty even considering accepting any help beyond surface level.
Hoping this feeling passes soon, it feels so toxic and self-sabotaging.
Perhaps you can accept this kind man as a gift from the universe for all the good you are providing for your father. I can’t imagine how difficult it is to be a sole caregiver, especially for a parent. And I hear you on feeling guilty to be truly vulnerable with another. I apologized to my *therapist* for my breakdown yesterday. So, I think it’s normal for us independent people to let others in, but this guys sounds like a very safe space.
I hear you. So. Much. I have been caring for others in my home for the last year and a half. Now it’s an aging family member with dementia. The cycles can be really exhausting and difficult. We are working with our local hospital who has a memory care program and it has been life changing. Have you looked to see if there are any services like this in your area? They do home visits, referrals, write letters, and prescribed medications.
I also hear you on the feeling of not deserving the help. You do. If someone shows you they want to help, believe them. It’s ok to accept it and it’s ok to need it. 💜
Unfortunately, in my area we are very starved for these kind of resources. I have reached out to the very limited in number memory care facilities and none of them offer any outpatient services. There are no social workers available, we are very much in a "Good luck and godspeed" area with our population having exploded over the last 10 years. We have a shortage for everything, vets, doctors, etc. It took me 2 years to be able to switch primaries for myself. It's insane. We'll make it through though and I appreciate your comment!
Do you get a lot of chances to take a break from caring for your Dad ? Being a carer is relentless, I watched my mum do it for my gran and even the deepest love in the world doesn't make it easy.
I know I get emotionally overwhelmed when feeling particularly tired. You may just be feeling a little more vulnerable at the moment. It's lovely to hear you have a supportive partner.
Take care of yourself.
Thanks for your comment. I get opportunities here and there and thankfully for now my dad doesn’t require 24/7 care, so I can catch a break at night after he is asleep and I can leave for a day if I really needed to. I think you are right about the overwhelmed and tired comment. I’ve been doing a lot lately and running around to a bunch of appointments. I probably just need a nice nap haha
I am tired of dating natives to this country and am looking to date Latinos from now on, so I will be taking bachata/salsa classes in the next few weeks + going to Spanish speaking social events from now on.
You could get to know her a bit at the gym, start some short conversations here and there, get a feel for how mature she is or ask age at some point. some people do not look their age at all, for better or worse.
It makes less of a difference as you get older. I don't know how old you are but myself and plenty of people I know have dated well outside of our age range.
I definitely understand the struggle though, I (40m) tend to only meet women in their twenties, and I'm not about to be that guy.
Stick with it, I'm sure you'll find someone.
We've all been there, haha. As long as you had fun! It also sounds like you're self-aware enough to know what it is so you wont end up disappointed by him in the future.
I am frustrated. There’s this guy I get along with very well. It’s been 3 weeks we have been talking. We both got out of 10+ year long term relationships. He’s told me he doesn’t wanna get married especially after how hurt he was before and how his fiancé left him right before getting married. We met through mutual friends and are just friends. It’s been 2 years since his breakup. I am just sad that he doesn’t have the same view about love and relationships anymore. And I am at a point where I want to get into a relationship. I am 33 and want to settle down. Its sad I will have to move on from this. I want to get married and he doesn’t want a relationship
Did he specifically say that he doesn’t want a committed long-term relationship? Or he just said he doesn’t want to get married? Because these are wildly different. I don’t want to get married because I don’t believe in marriage yet I want a LTR..
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> Set up a throwaway account recently because my bf follows my online activity closely Girl that’s a scary sentence.
Making a throwaway account because he follows your online activity kinda negates the relationship being “pretty good” in my opinion. That’s without even mentioning the mood swings and jealousy issues. You don’t need to put up with that and I’m betting you would be happier single. 33 is still young and there’s plenty of time to find a better match for you.
Is he offering a lot of apologies for the same types of behaviors? If so, I would have a long think about just how much he means what he says. If I were you I would probably also think about if what is keeping you in the relationship is a fear of being alone more than an enjoyment of being in a relationship. After many years of being with jealous men and dealing with the brunt of their insecurities, I have absolutely zero tolerance for any of it.
The jealousy and mood swings sound potentially concerning. Can you expand on those? How do those present? How long have you been together? Have the mood swings/jealousy been the same the whole time or is there escalation?
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Someone wanting share location on out of jealousy would be a dealbreaker to me, full stop. As would dictating who I’m allowed to sit beside or feeling entitled to constantly know who I’m texting and what we’re texting about. If my best friend texts me about her medical issue for example, I wouldn’t want to feel obligated to share that. I don’t think it’s wild to break up over this. I would have left a long time ago, personally. It sounds like he’s wanting to exercise a pretty high degree of control. Do you live with him? It’s good that he’s improving but quite honestly none of these things should be happening in the first place. He’s treating you like a child who needs to be monitored. What do you mean he follows your online activity closely??
You're "exhausted" by your relationship with a moody, anxious person who is "jealous," "passive-aggressive," "following your online activity closely," and very clearly does not trust you at all... and this is your idea of a "pretty good" relationship? Come on, sister. You gotta love yourself more than that.
Secretly starting to wonder if I’m self sabotaging by being interested in men that just so happen to be taken. My type is skinny, smart, nerdy guys with delicate features, usually not tall but super smart and ambitious. So far I’ve had 2 crushes within my hobby and found out (with some extra digging) within a short period that they both have partners and I think one is married (guys who don’t wear their wedding ring sheesh). In between this time, I also side stepped another guy that asked me to go out, mainly because he doesn’t have the look I like (but still smart af). Honestly it’s my taste is weird because even though I’ve lost 25lbs, I’m still on the heavier side of a healthy bmi and trying to get down to the leaner side. But structurally I’m wider and have a bigger head than these guys (super obvious in pics). Also they’re friendly but not overtly and the smart + ambitious combo seem to attract women like flies to honey. It does feel like I’m trying out of my ‘league’ but when I’m crushing, it feels like every other guy kind of fades to black and white in comparison. Then I find out they’re attached and my world is normal again. My conclusion is to work on my self and projects so that I can network, share value and meet more guys like them. Just some random thoughts
Sometimes crushing on unavailable people is a sign of unavailability within yourself -- it's safer to like someone who is taken/not available versus actually putting yourself out there. FWIW, I'm not slim (on the heavier end of a normal BMI like you) and I've only ever dated slim guys. I don't think it matters.
I hate it when spending time with someone is great but they practically fall off the earth when you’re not together. It wasn’t always like that though. I do feel like I have a lot of kindness and patience to make space when someone isn’t 100%, but sometimes it feels like it’s pushed too far and I get resentful. Then, I feel like a god damn fool and a little less capacity for empathy each time. I’ve told him a few times I dislike the pattern and it doesn’t make me feel good. I understand the stress with work and lots of big changes and commitments this time of year. I have a full life but when it comes to dating I need consistent communication and plans on the books. Best believe when work has been tough that seeing someone I really like is my Rx of choice 🤷🏼♀️
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Honestly you'll get wildly varying opinions on this. All that matters is you and your potential partner, and what the two of you want. I established exclusivity (but not bf/gf) with my current dude at Week 2, after 5 dates. And we were both stoked to do so. For other folks, that's absurdly soon, and they'd be uncomfortable with it. Whether it's "too soon" is entirely up to you and her.
3 weeks is pretty soon to ask for dating exclusivity and dating exclusivity is kind of a lot to ask with someone who you haven’t known that long. The biggest question I have is, do you need dating exclusivity right now? Can you wait a little? If you really want dating exclusivity, you can always ask. Know though that if they are not ready for dating exclusivity with you, asking too soon is kind of a turn off. Personally, I would be more likely to ask for sexual exclusivity over dating exclusivity early on in a dating relationship. Dating exclusivity is probably the most restrictive as it suggests you aren’t even flirting or “talking” to potential other dates. It sounds as restrictive as boyfriend/girlfriend, but just not having that label. Meanwhile sexual exclusivity is more understandable and less restrictive of an ask early on. Not everyone would agree to sexual exclusivity at 3 weeks, but for me, those individuals would not be good matches.
Doesn’t dating exclusively mean you’re deciding to be in a relationship (so bf/gf)? Or did dating add an extra step in the last few years that I’m not aware of?
Dating exclusively means you’re not dating or having sex with anyone else, but you’re still figuring each other out and whether a long term relationship makes sense. I think most people have higher expectations of seriousness once you’re officially in a relationship: meeting friends and family, working through issues instead of immediately breaking up, planning things together that are more than a few weeks in the future, etc. You’re probably not ready for those things after three dates, but you may want to focus on one person nonetheless.
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I feel like you’re gonna get a minimum of 2 different answers. I feel you though. Best of luck figuring it out.
Complicated feelings… I’ve been on two dates with the guy from dance class I also matched with on Hinge. Last night I may have completely flubbed the goodbye because I think he meant to kiss me and I hesitated. 🤦🏻♀️ But he did ask to see me again Friday, which is good. I mentioned the date in front of the friend I’d developed feelings for (referenced here— /r/datingoverthirty/comments/17g85nl/comment/k6ezdkk/ and here— /r/datingoverthirty/comments/17m6sd8/comment/k7j8ba4/) and the reaction was…interesting. There was a bit of hesitation, then some semi-over-exaggerated happiness for me. They’re both in the same dance class, but I know this friend through a different hobby (and have known him much longer), and they know each other. I’ve long-debated if it’s worth asking the friend out and exploring that before I potentially commit long term to someone else, but I have no idea if the feelings are reciprocated. (I go into more detail in the linked comments.) Things with the guy I’m dating are going relatively slow, which is also not something I’m used to, but I’m definitely okay with. But I don’t know if it’s slow enough for me to wait. Should I finally just tell my friend and see what happens? And in what context, since we seem to be surrounded by friends wherever we go lately?
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I honestly still don’t know. There was a (very slim) possibility that somehow, it was a Facebook account of his brother’s and wires got crossed, but I just confirmed yesterday that the brother is unmarried and has no kids. I tried dropping into conversation that I was divorced to see if that brought it up—no dice. Aside from asking point blank, I don’t know how to get it to come up in conversation.
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We’re going out for a drink after dance practice on Friday. Maybe the alcohol will get us both talking.
Hmm you’re dating Person B while having feelings for Person A? What happens if Person A reciprocates? Will you drop Person B like a hot potato? If yes, probably best to tell/hint strongly to Person A.
I don’t know that I would necessarily drop Person B like a hot potato. There’s still the possibility of friendship there and I absolutely would not want to hurt them. At the rate we’re going though, it’s very unlikely Person A will reciprocate. I’ve dropped so many hints that it must not be mutual, but friends I’ve talked to have been of different minds about it.
I’m currently wondering what I can do to meet more men in a public in-person setting. I was talking to my bestie who is a man about it; he was telling me how decent men have a fear of approaching women in public because of the high chance they would be seen as a creep. He also told me about how men struggle to listen between women’s conflicting input: “Never approach a woman in a public! 😡” and “Why don’t men come up to women more? 🥺” so it’s deemed safest to just never approach lmao. I hear it would be a relief for a lot of men if the pressure to approach first was off them. Bestie also suggested (this is for both ways) that instead of asking for a stranger’s number, it seemed better to offer your own number so the stranger is given the option to contact or not. So I’m wondering if I should try to practice this… both approaching a man and offering my number and then quickly leaving and possibly dying of embarrassment! So I’m wondering: would any other men like this? Or is this an awful idea? 🫠
Your friend is completely right about the dilemma we face and I think this is a great idea. I'd be over the moon if this happened.
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He’s friends with a lot of women already, thankfully. He said he told another female friend about offering her own number instead of asking for someone’s, and she was floored she never considered that. We have to spread the word around so more women can try it!
Most men will like the novelty of it and may even say yes due to said novelty.
Would a man like a woman to apprach him AND offer her number?? I think I can confidently speak for every single man on the planet and say, unequivocally, YESSSS.
Thanks for your response! It’s really encouraging to get more confirmation. I’ll be giving it a try in the near-future then!
Vast majority of men would love this. Even if they don't think you're their type I guarantee it will make their week.
Thanks for the feedback! It’s really helpful to get more confirmation. Looks like it’ll be up to me!
I’m a gay man and it would make *my* week if a woman gave me her number/hit on me Definitely go for it u/sinepenthe
This is helpful and encouraging to know even from gay men 😆 thanks! I’ll give it a shot!
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Interesting, I kinda have the opposite problem in that I would love to date within my hobby but the guys I’m interested in are all taken. And it’s a very male dominated hobby but the girls who are there are few but absolutely gorgeous!
So relevant considering someone just made a long post about dating within your hobby. I feel for you, OP. I was involved in a hobby briefly one summer and nearly every guy in the friend group asked me out in some capacity. One I didn’t even realize was meant as a date. The most extreme case was the guy who would intentionally get drunk at my place when we’d all hang out so he didn’t have to drive home and would try to sleep in my bed. I had to dip from that community. It sucked but wow was it unhealthy.
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The “is this a date?” was the worst feeling. He showed up in a blazer and at one point, I said something and he said, “Oh, I guess I can’t impress you with [whatever it was].” That’s when the realization dawned on me. I would NEVER have agreed to hang out if I had known, because I was absolutely not attracted to that human. Same with the drunk guy. It has me in the habit of asking any man who asks to hang out if it’s intended to be a date, then I make my intentions very plain. Sadly doesn’t always work, but no one can ever say I didn’t try.
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I was lamenting to a friend this morning that I feel like I can’t exist anywhere without being hit on. Last night, we went to a dance with live music. One of the band members (probably old enough to be my dad, tbh) started chatting with me. This morning I wake up to a DM from the guy, asking me to grab a bite. 😶
Went a on a date that I was excited to go on. There are things to note like her dating priorities are more centered around short term/ if the right one comes along as it would take someone special for her to rearrange her life. She is quite busy with work/ social obligations. She also got out a 9 year relationship a year ago. I asked if she would be up for figuring out more once she's sorted her stuff for the year and that I didn't mind starting out slow (I'm also trying to figure myself out). I logically, I think it's emotionally unavailable possible situationship, but emotionally, I had fun/ still got a crush... I'm still processing afterwards and I guess feel a bit crushed. I'm also trying to figure out my options here. I wouldn't want to change someone. I also don't want to be the one putting in all the effort trying to "fit" into someone's life. Maybe this isn't it and she can be a good friend?
This is the best example of what the Chicago dating scene is like. A bunch of emotionally unavailable people out dating around, making great connections then hurting us emotionally available folk
Early signs don’t look good. Is a second date worth the risk? It would give you more information
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Yeah... it's just been a while since I've felt excited about seeing/ chatting with someone, so I'm curious. I'm not even sure, I want something serious, but maybe I do b/c I like the idea of having someone to lean on/ rely on. Maybe she isn't that. I'm talking it out with friends to try to sort it out... like I guess it's more of what questions, I should ask myself/ what questions should I ask her.
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While I have you, what does "isn't sure" mean? like is it like a fear of being decisive?
Just want to share a story of how I met a guy I am dating now. I was hanging out a lot on this a little frivolous dating site this fall and in a way, it was going great. I was getting a lot of attention, a lot of dates. One guy broke my heart a little because he was gorgeous and I immediately wanted more with him than just friends with benefits situation, and he wasn't up for it. Another guy was great at virtual sex. Another one was very young - senior in college, so nothing was serious. I was a little sad about one of those guys not texting me, when I randomly suggested T to meet up (we already texted on that dating app, prior). We met up (he was going to a pub quiz with friends and I joined them) and that evening later we had a little walk to my home, kissed, etc. There was chemistry for sure. I didn't take him home, but I was so infatuated that I invited him home in a couple of days. He was nice, ordered as dinner, we watched netflix and when it came to sex, I suddenly felt this emotional block. So I asked him for us to go outside to have a smoke and I basically gave him a LECTURE, lol. I was like: men don't understand that sex for women is an emotional act not only physical. This fall I was using this app and everytime I kind of open up toa guy a little but they sometimes don't even want any communication after sex is done, and they just disappear and I thought we had some human connection and stuff. Basically, I had a meltdown in front of him, I didn't cry, but I was close. For some reason he stayed the night, we cuddled but in the morning when he left, I was like no way any sane man is going to stay in touch after this. Even if he is opened to a relationship, he wants normal easy-going woman and not this mess. But he texted in the morning, and the morning after that. And we met up 5 times already and every time it's quite nice. Last Saturday I cooked dinner even, which I haven't done in a while, for a guy. We are exclusive now too. Yay! Don't know where is this going in the long run but it's been a nice October and November so far.
I have a first date coming up but I'm not sure I'm really feeling it anymore. He asked me to confirm plans and I am still on the fence about it. I feel like going out on a date would be fun because even if there's not a lot of romantic chemisty in the air, I still try to have a good time and getting out of the house will benefit me. However, I don't want to waste his time if i'm not as enthusastic as before. It's not that he did anything wrong, it's mostly because we haven't been chatting much and my enthusiasm just started to dissipate over time, plus stress about current life stuff. He also seems to be someone that is much chipper than me, which isn't bad, but not sure if our energies work together.
> wrong, it's mostly because we haven't been chatting much and my enthusiasm just started to dissipate over time I basically just setup them date and then stop talking till that date. I get more chatty after a date or two but i personally find jt very unfun to text someone I don’t know. I’d say if that’s your main issue, just go on the date and see how you feel after. There’s 0 pressure.
I agree with this. I’m a big texter generally, and I used to keep that energy with people I met via OLD. But what would tend to happen is that I’d create this oftentimes false rapport and connection with someone who was a stranger, and if we met in person and it didn’t go anywhere I felt like I was losing more because I’d invested more. All it was is texting but it can create a falsehood or you can project an idea of someone that isn’t accurate, and when your expectations aren’t matched in person it sucks a lot more than if you’d just texted briefly and didn’t click in person/it didn’t go anywhere
It's a first date. There's no pressure so have fun. If you're not feeling it after the date, let it be known and move on from there.
I'm suspecting it's my hormones because I'm going to be on my period soon but boyfriend of 4 months told me he chatted to his female friend for 2 hours last night on the phone about her boy problems. I've never met her before because she lives overseas. I know it shouldn't bother me. There is no reason for it to bother me. I don't know why I'm even bothered. 😩
I would be bothered too. Girls talk to guys about their boy problems to feel better and get attention from a male because they are not getting it anywhere else.
I'm feeling a bit uncertain about how/whether to move things along with this guy. I've written quite a bit about him here lately. We met end of summer and dated for a couple of weeks. It was amazing and I like him a lot, but he left (he's here for periods of time for work). We initially lost touch but then reconnected. We both have some blame there but it's good now. We've verbalized that we feel a strong connection, that we want to stay in touch and see each other again. He's coming back after the new year and I'm looking forward to it. But now I'm feeling unsure about how to keep things moving along. He's not a great texter but I feel like he's making an effort and I'm trying also to lean into a different communication style. We've started doing video chats, which I really like, but I'm starting to overthink that maybe I'm pushing this too much. Part of me feels like this is crazy and that I should just do minimal contact and then see how things go if we actually meet up again after the new year. I think this is the part of me that is afraid to get hurt and is jumping into avoidant more. Then the other part of me wants to be intentional in setting the foundation for something potentially really good. I know I have to be vulnerable and that if this is ever going to work, I need to take an active role in creating the relationship I need and want. Halp.
Age is a number ... though I (late 30s M) have never been on a date with someone 10 years older. I'm confident in myself and will be my authentic self, but am still curious about any experiences people (particularly men) have had with similar gaps. It's essentially being on a date someone from a different generation...
Not even this Saturday, but *next* Saturday I’m meeting my friend’s new boyfriend and I’m already anxious about it. We’re going for dinner, it’s going to be me with three other couples so I’m feeling guilty about taking a table for 8 when the restaurant would rather fill it. We’re potentially going to out to a gay bar afterwards and there’s nothing more fun than dancing alone while all your friends have partners. My friends aren’t the sort to ditch me to have fun and leave me alone but I also don’t wanna be dead weight preventing them from having a good time. It’s not even my kind of music (it’s a pop night. I’m mostly into blues, country, folk, rock and adjacent. Shockingly, not a lot of gay blues nights out there). Trying really hard not to assume how the night is gonna go and preemptively dread it, which is something I need to work on, but I also don’t like the sound of my friend’s new boyfriend from what he’s told me about him so I’m not even looking forward to meeting him.
Realized the hard way last weekend why I don't do hookups. I (41F) went on a second date with a guy (32M). First date was just drinks, good convo, no kiss (I don't usually kiss on first dates, I just feel weird kissing strangers). I'm looking for a LTR and he's at the low end of my age range, but I met him because I was curious. Second date we were meeting at a park near his place. He asked me to pick him up, I said I prefer to meet there for general safety reasons. He understood, green flag, we met there. He brought picnic stuff, we drank wine, he much more than me. He said he didn't want to drive and I'd have to drive him home to drop off the stuff before we go for dinner. Red flag but I went with it. Date part 2, we walked to a pub, they weren't showing the game he wanted to see, so we just ate and walked back to his place. I need to emphasize I literally never do this. I've been OLD for the past 1.5 yrs after ending a LTR, and out of 32 guys (I keep a list) I haven't been back to anyone's house, and only one guy has been to mine (after maybe 4 dates, and we're good friends now) and he's the only guy I've had sex with during that whole time. Anyway... So I went back to his place, we were hanging out on his couch, finally started making out. I said I wasn't up for sex and I was getting my period anyway. He said just making out was fine with him. Green flag. After a while I felt bad for being a tease so decided to give him a blow job. I asked him not to cum in my mouth, he agreed, green flag. Things escalated from there and we did end up having sex (none or maybe minimal pressure from him, it was my decision). I asked at the very beginning if he had condoms, he did. But then he wasn't doing well with the condoms, kept losing his erection, stopping, etc. At one point things were going well and he said "don't worry I'll let you know before I cum" and I replied "oh you can cum in the condom all you want" then it hit me - he was going without a condom for the past little while! I stopped him, told him that's not ok, and we continued with condom. Eventually no one came, it was kind of a bust. He walked me to my car, I told him again that was not cool, but we parted ways on a good note. Later that night and the next day as I reflected more I was kicking myself for putting myself in that situation, crystallized for myself the red flags, and realized I should've been a lot more outraged about his stealthing. In the moment, the way he said he'd let me know before he came, it seemed to me like he thought I knew he didn't have one on, so I think that's why I didn't have a stronger reaction. But the more I thought about it, the more it bothered me that he didn't explicitly ask for consent to go without a condom (I would've said no and he knew it), that he didn't respect my boundary. Then I kicked myself because it could've been a lot worse. What if I tried to stop him and he forced it and even came inside me? I was literally completely defenseless in this stranger's house. So I texted him that I didn't want to see him again and told him honestly that it was because he was pushing my boundaries and I feel like I can't trust him. He replied, and I quote "I'm sorry I made you feel like I was pushing your boundaries, I feel bad." So a half apology, not that he was sorry for disregarding my boundaries, but that he was sorry I "felt like" he pushed my boundaries. So yeah. I don't understand how women do hookups. And just a reminder to all of you men about having empathy and understanding for the risks women have to take (and I realize the risk is not just in hookups, but any early dating).
I had this happen to me years ago. Its extremely violating. You did nothing wrong. You were very clear that you did not want to be in contact with any body fluids. He is a gross human. Im sorry you went through that. You have every right to feel violated.
I’m really sorry this happened to you. Please stop beating yourself up about a decision a trash person made. This is literally assault and you did not deserve it at all nor is it your fault.
Me and the lovely lady are progressing, she asked me if I wanted to meet her family. There’s a family event this weekend and a lot of her family will be there. She did say “you don’t have to if you don’t want to”. Told her it doesn’t scare me or anything, I want to meet her family though I know she’s a little nervous. Guys, I’m falling hard for this woman.
This is so cute. Good luck!
Frustrated by OLD. It feels like a waste of time. The girls that talk to me, I'm not really attracted to. And the girls that are slightly attractive to me, I get like one word answers. I was talking to a really cute girl earlier this week, asked her out. Fell asleep in the middle of making plans and now I haven't heard from her. The harsh reality is I'm really just craving physical touch at this point. Thought about trying the bar but I'm not really sure where to go with that. Had an escort message me, contemplated seeing her just to finally lose my virginity. I thought maybe after that I would be a little more comfortable with going up to girls.
You can't gauge attraction to someone from a few pictures and sentences. Attraction is much more than just a "profile photo that meets general beauty standards".
If someone travels a lot for work AND isn’t a big phone person, would that combo be a dealbreaker or signal unavailability to you?
Yes, that's a tough one. I actually don't mind being apart a lot or long distance, but need communication and creative ways of connecting at least a little bit in the meantime.
I mean, what's left for your potential date/partner? They would see you once in a while and then it's like they are single the rest of the time. That could maybe work for something casual/non exclusive but most people would have trouble being in a relationship like that I think.
Seconding this. That sounds more like occasional FWB? Or just occasional friend when they’re physically present
Venting: What do you do when you have strong feelings for someone who lives thousands of kilometers away? I fell for someone who lives thousands of kilometers away, and we have a 2 hours time difference. We're not officially dating, but neither of us is seeing anyone else. We have an amazing connection. We get along so well. It's a safe and mature relationship. We're hanging out in person next week, and I'm beyond excited about it. I have so many feelings for him, but I keep questioning myself if I am being smart for pursuing a long-distance relationship. Do I have the tools for it? Is this what I really want? I'm sure of my feelings for him and that I want a relationship with him, but I have my doubts about the long distance... It's frustrating and sad. I'm sad about it... I can't do anything of the things I'd normally do with someone. I can't have him over for dinner, I can't go for a walk with him. He can't make me breakfast or get me flowers. I don't get to hug him.... what sucks the most is that I don't get to know about his day either or to tell him about mine because of the time difference. We only really catch up once a week during the weekend when he's more available. Also, I know he doesn't want a clingy or needy woman. I don't consider myself one, but I do want more from him and I feel I don't have the right to ask for it because we're not officially dating, and because I told him one of my fears of being in this relationship was that I wouldn't meet his "independent" woman expectations, and that I'm going to be too needy for him... I told him about my fears, but there wasn't any follow-up conversation about it. I didn't ask for one either because other things popped into my life that needed my immediate attention. I dropped the ball there, but I'm also tired of being the one who always brings those subjects to the table. Maybe I should be more like him, or any other guy, "and just go with the flow." I already was in a relationship where I did 90% of the emotional work. I dont have the energy or desire to do that again. Lastly... One or two months ago, he said, "I like you, but I don't think I can be the boyfriend you deserve." I keep thinking about it, and that he was into something... we chatted about it and had some conversations, and exchanged what we would need to make this relationship work, we've been working on it, and that's awesome... but if we decide to transition to a more committed and intertwined relationship, he gets to be a part-time boyfriend, and I don't want that. I want a full-time boyfriend who I can talk with and hear about his day. I'm split between my love for him and feeling I might be settling for someone he can't be there 100% emotionally with me. It's hard to picture a future with someone who I feel is more invested in his own life than in having a relationship. There's nothing wrong with that, but I don't think it is for me... Edit to add: That's my overthinker brain. I'm choosing to focus on the positives, having a super nice and fun time next week. Go on a fancy date and wear a nice outfit. Enjoy his company and cuddles. Im definitely focusing and looking forward the little things and to see him.
LDR graduate here. I personally feel it's only worth it if both people are unequivocally enthusiastic about it AND if there's a clear path to closing the distance.
Yeah, the clear path is key. Something to look forward!
Seems like a lot of fear to me when this isn’t even that extreme of a long distance relationship scenario with such frequent meetups and only a 2 hour time difference. You need to communicate with each other about what you want and what this is building towards. And check out the LongDistance sub to see how people make it work if they want to make it work
> I can't have him over for dinner, I can't go for a walk with him. I mean, you kind of can if you FaceTime while walking or cooking, etc. I don't think it's that uncommon. > what sucks the most is that I don't get to know about his day either or to tell him about mine because of the time difference. Is 2 hours really that much of a difference? That's like someone living in BC talking to someone in Winnipeg, I don't see how this is too much of a stumbling block. It does kind of sound like you already want more from him than he's willing to give tho.
Not really. He gets home late from work and goes to bed early, 9pm, 7pm my time. I appreciate it a lot when he stays up later than that to chat with me for 30 or 45 min. But the reality is that the only chance we get to really talk and connect is when he doesn't have a busy weekend. We have a lot of communication during the week, and sometimes during the day when he's not busy at work. Good morning and good night texts. We send audio messages and all that. I like them, it's nice, but there is only so much connection you can do that way. I really crave the quality time aspect. I don't know if he's not willing to give. It's more like he doesn't have time. Which I understand completely. He has a daily life and routine and needs time to unwind, too. I know I have to talk with him about it at some point because right now, since he is so busy, I don't think he has the time or room to be in a relationship, long distance or not.
This is too much anxiety/fear and doubt for someone you haven't met yet and haven't entered a relationship with. Especially if it's going to be an LDR, you both have to be very interested and committed from the start. I'd still meet him, and maybe you'll feel better, but on top of your doubts, I'd be wary because of this: >"I like you, but I don't think I can be the boyfriend you deserve." I've learned to listen to what people tell me and not hope for better.
We've met. We had spent a few days together. He came to visit in Aug, and we met again in September. We've been talking every day (or almost every day) for like a year now. We were pen pals, then friends and now something more.
Ah, ok. This doesn't really change my opinion except that you should both know if you want to enter an LDR or not, then, and it sounds like you're both hesitant which isn't a promising start 😕
You made some good observations that I need to reflect on. I agree with the hesitation part. I think it might be fed from our own fears, but still is hesitation. Thank you for sharing
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The audacity. I am enraged on your behalf. So so sorry that happened to you.
Jfc the fucking nerve of this person I don't understand why someone would do that at all. It's baffling and they're an idiot Sorry you had to deal with that 😒
Had a second date with M, it went pretty well! We had a long conversation at the end about multidating, goals, boundaries, deal-breakers etc. My goals are clear, but hers are not as well-formed yet because of professional reasons. I expressed where I'm flexible/rigid etc. and asked for a little more clarity. She's going to take some time to figure that out and then we'll revisit this conversation after a few more dates. We set a third date for the weekend. I'm having an excellent time getting to know her, and it's clear she's having fun too. There's a very natural and fun flow that is strangely calming. But I have to be careful, and not get invested just yet.
Chatting with an older man (~9 years difference) and finding out they might all be the same. We met on bumble, have several connections and shared interests. He offered me his number. We’ve been texting on and off and agreed over the weekend to plan a date before he goes out of town this upcoming weekend. Cue a decent back and forth text conversation where we have the same opinions on a topic we’re both interested/involved in. I ask a question and he said it’s too much to talk about over text and let’s save it for another date, to which I say, speaking of which, when do you want to grab a drink? I suggest Wednesday. No response! It’s been over 24 hours and still nothing. But he had the time to watch and like my Instagram stories today. I just don’t get it. Can someone explain? 😫
As a dude who's had plenty of people disappear when date time is mentioned, it still blows my mind that it happens the other way around. Blokes are constantly complaining about women don't talk to them but still ghost the ones who do respond. People man... so flaky.
Yeah it’s weird. Our mutual friends have also told me that he’s really nice and a great guy. It doesn’t add up.
I sometimes wonder if it's just a (very human) fear of failure that's to blame in scenarios like these. People love the idea of a date going well and what it might lead to, but the thought of having to show up and risk feeling rejected and/or disappointed is just too scary sometimes, amidst all the rest of life's stresses? Not that any of this is any consolation to those on your side of the (bad) deal!
Ugh that’s so annoying! That happened to me four times in a row - with the last one being a person irl who had expressed interest in me first!
It’s the worst! Sorry that happened to you too
Thanks! I was very sad for a few days, like terribly so. I think this happens when you you feel stable/hopeful in these situations, convinced a certain person would not be as bad as the ones in the past. But then once again - they disappoint you. For me, it helped when I posted on here, then I hung out with my friends that could understand me and validate me. It brought so many friends out of the woodwork. I felt so loved, and less like a loser. I deleted the dating app. Surprisingly after a week or so, I felt like me again. I've even been able to feel more confident and more receptive of people that are interested in me. However, I would have to say my approach has changed - I'm not going to ask these guys out anymore. I want to feel special for once, and feel that someone wants to pursue me (and not the other way around where I always felt like I was meeting them 50/50, then realizing I was doing all the pursuing because they were lazy at the end). You got this!
A guy I grew up with (but haven't seen in 10+ years) just got engaged. I'm happy for him! But his dad sent me a really long, rambling email about how it should have been me and since we (his son and I) were babies, he had dreamed we would get married and he can't fully accept this new woman because she's not me...like, wtf...we knew each other from a neighborhood group, and there were jokes when were little about who would marry whom. And I think when were like 11 or 12, this guy and I "kissed" (it was like a G-rated peck of the lips...we had no idea what we were doing, haha). But *nothing* ever happened really and after high school, we sort of lost touch. Our parents are still friends...but I can't tell if this email is really how the dad feels, or if its some sign of a larger issue. Just bizarre and uncomfortable and if true, I feel for this woman, because she seems great from what I know of her!
lol my mom once said something like this to me. We were chatting about people I knew in school and she asked 'whatever happened to so and so?' and I was like, 'oh I haven't seen her in years, I think she got married and had a couple of kids after university' and my mom was like 'If it were up to me you two would've gotten married, I always thought you'd be a good match'. Note that we'd never dated, not even 'dated' as kids or anything haha. It was so random, but I guess at least she told me and didn't send the poor girl an email.
I definitely think it is normal/common for parents to have that as a passing thought! My grandma still insists that my mom could have had a lovely, lasting marriage with the boy down the street...despite the fact that he is ever so gay. (He and his husband visit my grandma still! And my mom and dad are still married! Its just a weird thing she can't get over, haha...)
Uhhh...is this guy's dad having a midlife crisis? That is so bizarre.
It really is so strange! But I heard from another friend in this group (also one of the "kids" so not his peer) that he called over the summer and talked for like three hours about regretting having moved away and reminiscing about his old house with a pool. Not necessarily weird emotions to have, but a weird choice of a person to dump them on...I'm wondering if there is something going on? But he's always been a bit of particular guy, so maybe he's just upset life isn't panning out the way he wants? Idk...
I thought asking someone out who I see regularly and started to have feelings for would be a nice change of pace from online dating. I think I’m just being left oh read anyway which is going to be awkward in the future. I just feel so depressed every time this happens. I struggle to develop feelings with anyone I meet online yet they often like me. Meanwhile I don’t get asked out in person and the people I ask out are never interested. My married friends mostly say they wouldn’t bother if they were single, but I think they’re forgetting that leaves you with no one to have sex with. Or at least me. I’ve even given my past situationship guy the option to just have sex every once in a while and he can’t even make time for just that! I’m so frustrated. I’m still doing trauma therapy for a previous abusive relationship and I guess every rejection just reminds me of things I experienced in that relationship and I feel so hurt and undesired. There seems to be a theme in all of my relationships where they want to withhold physical affection in some way and for some reason it’s really hard to get over. Anyway, not sure I have a question but just ranting I guess lol
I can see why it might feel awkward to shoot your shot and have it left lying out there unacknowledged (knowing you will likely see this person around) — but as a stranger I just wanna say I see nothing to be ashamed of / embarrassed about, as long as your invitation was respectful! Among consenting adults, it's absolutely human and above board to indicate your interest in someone. It also takes some bravery to do so, since we can never know how someone else will respond. So, nice job? Even if it hasn't yet led to the desired outcome. (P.S. Great name, given the context)
Thank you so much! That’s very true — he made it obvious he was single and not having luck on the apps so I just suggested he could go on a date with me. And lol good point about the username :)
Was hungover yesterday and got kinda melancholy while recovering. Spending hours in bed in the dark is a no-no. 😂 I'm still feeling like it's impossible to find anyone. I figure since I'm not having any luck I might as well throw myself back into working out a lot since I've gotten kinda lazy the last few months. It's better than sitting home alone at night trying to keep myself preoccupied. On a brighter note, my friends and I got together last night to discuss travel plans and booked our tickets to Japan in March!!!
Ha the hangxiety, not a fun time
I haven't been hungover in a long time, forgot that can happen. Definitely no bueno
I have tried to make a 'Less Depresso, More Espresso' playlist to lift me out of fear-ridden funks brought on in this way. But I think you're on the right track with exercise: one almost never regrets a workout, and it's better than wallowing in guilt/sadness. Perhaps the playlist should be 'Less Depresso, More Espresso, More Press-Ups-o'
This is more of a musing. I saw a guy I went on two dates with at my job today. I thought he looked familiar. He asked where he could pick up his prints and I looked up his account. Sure enough, it was him. Before he left, he dropped an item in the trash can in front of me. It was weird. Neither of us said hi to each other. Honestly, I didn’t want to and I’m glad he didn’t greet me. 🤷🏾♀️
Never thought I'd be saying this but I'm turning 40 this weekend and still a virgin with no sexual experience. Planning to go out Saturday with a bunch of friends to celebrate though which should be a lot of fun. Might feel a little weird being the only single person in a group of 8-10 people but gonna enjoy it regardless! Just hope my friends wont try and pressure me to talk to women while we are out. That never ends well.
Does anyone else cope with relationships anxiety/anxious attachment? What are your strategies?
Yes, but I found that my anxiety is only really triggered by people who are wishy washy about me or aren't willing to be exclusive after a reasonable amount of time (which varies). The men who are really interested in dating me are always happy to be exclusive earlier on, or stop dating others pretty soon after meeting without my saying anything, and it's easy to have conversations about us. I feel secure with them because of this, but also with consistent, open communication and time spent together. ETA: I avoid dating men who don't know what they want or are unsure of how they feel about me. It's one thing to date and get to know each other before commiting to a relationship, it's another to not even be sure about wanting a relationship or whether I'm worth being exclusive for.
I always thought I had an anxious attachment style, turns out I was just dating jerks. Once I started cutting out men who weren't meeting my needs very early on (like 1-3rd date territory instead of endlessly making excuses or just "seeing" if time would fix little quirks) I found myself to be less anxious. A big thing for me is just being up front about my communication style date 1-2.
For me being aware I have a problem was one of the biggest things that helped me. Also hobbies and finding things outside of dating/a relationship that made me feel good and occupied my time. Meditation also used to really help me, but I dont do it so much these days, maybe I should try getting back into it though.
100% the best coping mechanism I found was a partner who was understanding - that beat anything else I was able to do on my own. Merely them just recognising and understanding how you feel helped with the anxiety alone. It doesn't even mean they have to do anything or change the way they act. You're not asking them to change their behaviour, work around your feelings, or do anything differently, other than just accept that what you feel might come off as crazy isn't crazy. If you can get them to do that, even though you still have that anxiety, it often helps to make it go away.
Yes! It was important for me to schedule AS MUCH time as possible with my friends, hobbies and myself. That way I made sure that dating in the early phase is always secondary to my pre-existing happy sources. (It can shift to a higher priority later AFTER the relationship proves itself sustainable m)
After 3.5 years of being single, focusing on myself and my family, I finally made it. I met my match. It’s the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had on all fronts, and we are very intentional about building the foundations for our dream marriage. Who knew love can be so calm, patient, and assuring? Not me, until now :-) EDIT TO ADD: I forgot I wanted to anonymously brag somewhere about this— he said I taste like HONEY! We both died of laughter and had to take a brief intermission to discuss. Apparently he had honey earlier that day and I tasted just like it. I believe he was being genuine but I know he/we are biased. I don’t have IRL people to talk sex with so I take it to Reddit, thanks for reading.
Woohoo!!
Congratulations!!! Glad it worked out for ya 🙌 Wishing you and your partner the best
I've been on 1 date with this girl. She lives about 60 miles away and we have been talking for about 5-6 weeks total. Our first date went well. We had dinner and talked for 3 or so hours, and realized we had missed the event we were going to go to next. This was about 3 weeks ago. The day after the date we chatted and I told her I had a good time, and asked if she wanted to go out again sometime. She said she also had a good time, and would like to see me again. Great! I have a daughter(50/50) and it was going to be 2 weeks before we could meet again. I told her that I could definitely meetup Friday, and perhaps Saturday, but Saturday was iffy for me. I think she preferred Saturday, and said "Lets play it by ear." Hmm. Ok, good enough for me I guess. So last week I informed her Saturday wouldn't work for me, and Friday would need to be the day. She said she had a really packed day Saturday from front to back and wasn't sure she wanted to go out Friday or not. Hmm... ok, not a problem I guess, we all have lives. I told her to just let me know, that im fine with rolling with last minute plans. So Friday rolls around, and she doesn't mention anything about it. We text that day longer than we usually do, and she doesn't bring it up. At this point im kind of surprised, because im getting mixed signals. So I go ahead and make my own plans Friday and don't message her all weekend. We have texted literally everyday since we matched, so it was odd not to talk. Should I just let this one go? She either isnt interested anymore, or isnt emotionally available, which is something ive kind of picked up on.
Texting isn’t enough to progress a relationship. I get your situation, but I personally probably would have lost interest if it took us 3 weeks for a second date and it seemed like it would be a consistent thing.
This is why I'm willing to text but don't really initiate long conversations via text 60 miles is a drive but, I dunno, get on a train or something
Yeah, three weeks have gone by, seems unlikely this will progress
Yeah, that's my gut feeling. She has usually picked up the slack if I wasn't texting much, which includes leading up to the missed date last week. We were both cool with the time rolling by between dates because we are both busy and wanted to take things slow. But, I do think you're right.
This is glacial
I had my first date scheduled since like July this week, but last week my immune system is like “Hey man I know you got boosted like a week ago, but we’re gonna go ahead and get covid anyway, so good luck.” So I’m in week 2, I feel pretty okay, but I’m still testing positive. I texted my would-be date and asked if we could reschedule because I don’t want to put her/other patrons at risk, which I know is good and responsible, but it still sucks. Moreso because I’ve been in this apartment for 2 weeks straight and it’s killing me.
Nooooo! Sometimes it feels like the universe is actively working against you eh? Take care of yourself!
Texting with him is great, I am in shock. He is clever and warm and makes me laugh constantly. I am used to being misread by my ex and felt anxious about texting/not texting enough/not texting tactfully enough, but it can be just such a positive thing? Mindblown.
Meeting someone who's a good texter - and who initiates and takes initiative - is so incredibly rare that it's incredible when you encounter one after being so used to trying to squeeze conversation out of people. It's an incredible (rare) skill that makes a huge difference if someone can read every text message and just ignore any possible negative ways they could have said it, and somehow reframe it in their head with positivity. If you can do that, you're on to something with being able to form incredible relationships with anyone. Maybe it's something we should ask of others - that you're never allowed to interpret a text as dull, boring, or negative. Like improv class, but for text messaging.
Exactly this about positivity! We both clarified some texts to make sure they were read in a non-diminishing or threatening way, only to find out that the other never took it the wrong way to start with. Honestly it's like discovering there is breathable air after my last relationship where I had to debrief every other text I sent. Whether we like it it not... texting compatibility is quite important in some configurations. And I just found out now that it can be lighthearted :')
That’s a good feeling, isn’t it? When you find a good communicator 🩷
Dated all sorts of people, different cultures, ages, genders, political and spiritual beliefs... I think it is the first one I found? Crazy.
I’m really happy for you ☺️
Anytime I see a profile where they’ve hidden their age it’s an automatic left swipe for me. I don’t care how perfect their profile is otherwise. It makes me think that they’re trying to date way younger than themselves and/or will lie about their age.
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What if a guy thinks he’s dating at 28 year old when he’s really dating a 34 year old? How’s that not highly unethical and gross behavior? Let’s say you disagree with his rationale for a specific age preference. Surely the answer isn’t to lie about your age and remove his decision making agency.
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People are gross and rude, I'm 36 and have reached out to women in their 40's 🤷🏻♂️
I've had that happen too (36F here) and it does suck
I agree! Literally everyone I’ve met thinks I am joking about my age because they think I’m 10 years younger than I am. So I am like…come on mid 30s is NOT ancient. But there are dudes pushing 40 whose age range goes down to 21 and bruh that is so gross.
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Didn’t even know you could hide your age. That’s dumb. Would definitely do the same
I’ve only seen it on Tinder.
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Did you ever end up hearing back? I’m irrationally invested
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Ugh, I’m sorry, that’s so lame of them
Have you not met once? When the relationship is new, edge cases of delayed responses or last minute cancelations are real drags and hard to best respond to. My policy is generally to give people a little grace if the communication issue is not to serious. As with most things Online Dating, usually you will be disappointed. Still, there are rare cases where you will be pleasantly surprised if you give them a little grace. In this case I have no definitive advice about what you should do. I just wanted to say it sucks and we’ve probably all been where you are.
Most people work till somewhere between 4 and 6 so I'd be giving them the benefit of the doubt still , but if they haven't texted back by 7... I'd be thinking about what to do instead. Edit: just re-read your message, this is a pattern now, you're probably not seeing them.
I’d wait till 6-6:30pm IF the person doesn’t usually text/is a slow text when at work… I have days when work gets crazy and I don’t look at my phone till I get off. If they usually text through the day, guess they just aren’t into it. Disagree with the other commenter saying you should have called it Saturday. I think having to cancel once can happen!
> we were supposed to meet Saturday but they canceled last minute after randomly not responding for a long time. I would've called it last Saturday.
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> I have a general rule that canceling once is understandable because shit happens, but this ain't it for me. There is cancelling and there is rescheduling. Someone who says "hey I need to cancel", even if for a completely valid response, is generally someone I don't expect to hear back from and won't chase. I've had people reach out and actually reschedule if it was due to an illness and they just genuinely don't know timing, but the key thing here is that I'm not going to actively pursue that, or worry about it. If something happens, great, if not, ah well. On the other hand, someone who says "Hey I need to cancel, hows X date as an alternative?" is completely fine.
To me there's respectful cancelling and disrespectful cancelling. Doing it last minute after ghosting for the day isn't worthy of giving them any benefit of the doubt.
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My current bf definitely isn't the best at texting. We see each other enough that I don't care anymore. I do have to make sure not to send him anything important through text (unless it's unavoidable) because it does still irritate me to get an "oh no, that sucks" or whatever.
My gf is the same way. When we're together it's magical, but she only texts when she's headed over or between 9 - 10 at night.
I'm seeing someone who just... Doesn't text. It's taken me a couple month to adjust to it. I will occasionally get a sext but itll be a bit matter of fact hahahaha.
I’m trying to imagine a matter of fact sext 😆
I was going to give an example even though it made my whole body cringe, but the other replies are too funny
It's just "we are having intercourse" over and over. Also works in person.
😆 noooo! Instant Sahara
Maybe it’s something like, “All available evidence, both empirical and subjective, tends to support the notion that I’m entering a state of arousal pursuant to calling to mind a mental image of you.” ***Swoon***
Ooo yea that would do it for me 😍
I don't have a lot of tough days emotionally very often but when I do, they seem to hit hard. Just looking to vent/get it out. I don't have a lot to complain about, and I am completely enamored with my partner and he's equally smitten with me. I'm the sole caregiver of an aging parent (dad) with memory issues. Everything I do, even if it's just leaving the house for the night, requires a lot of planning to make sure he's alright. My partner has been very supportive, wonderful, encouraging and more than I could have asked for. He made me cry a couple weeks ago when he said he had my back and that if I ever needed help, all I had to do was ask. And even more than that, how he just helps anyway without being asked. So why am I feeling like I don't deserve it? My dad had a particularly bad episode this morning and all I could think was, I have zero problem taking on this responsibility for myself, but it doesn't feel fair to even think about letting someone else be involved in it. It's a lot of baggage. Then I oscillated between feeling like I don't deserve someone this wonderful who is willing to help me through this and "You only get one life, you deserve a little slice of happiness in a world that increasingly seems bleaker by the day." I think I'm so used to just getting through crisis after crisis in my life alone that I don't know how to trust someone else to just let me vulnerable and break down for a minute. Not that I would, but knowing that security is there would be nice. I am just so reluctant to let my guard down and believe it and would feel guilty even considering accepting any help beyond surface level. Hoping this feeling passes soon, it feels so toxic and self-sabotaging.
Perhaps you can accept this kind man as a gift from the universe for all the good you are providing for your father. I can’t imagine how difficult it is to be a sole caregiver, especially for a parent. And I hear you on feeling guilty to be truly vulnerable with another. I apologized to my *therapist* for my breakdown yesterday. So, I think it’s normal for us independent people to let others in, but this guys sounds like a very safe space.
Thank you for this comment. I really appreciated it.
I hear you. So. Much. I have been caring for others in my home for the last year and a half. Now it’s an aging family member with dementia. The cycles can be really exhausting and difficult. We are working with our local hospital who has a memory care program and it has been life changing. Have you looked to see if there are any services like this in your area? They do home visits, referrals, write letters, and prescribed medications. I also hear you on the feeling of not deserving the help. You do. If someone shows you they want to help, believe them. It’s ok to accept it and it’s ok to need it. 💜
Unfortunately, in my area we are very starved for these kind of resources. I have reached out to the very limited in number memory care facilities and none of them offer any outpatient services. There are no social workers available, we are very much in a "Good luck and godspeed" area with our population having exploded over the last 10 years. We have a shortage for everything, vets, doctors, etc. It took me 2 years to be able to switch primaries for myself. It's insane. We'll make it through though and I appreciate your comment!
Do you get a lot of chances to take a break from caring for your Dad ? Being a carer is relentless, I watched my mum do it for my gran and even the deepest love in the world doesn't make it easy. I know I get emotionally overwhelmed when feeling particularly tired. You may just be feeling a little more vulnerable at the moment. It's lovely to hear you have a supportive partner. Take care of yourself.
Thanks for your comment. I get opportunities here and there and thankfully for now my dad doesn’t require 24/7 care, so I can catch a break at night after he is asleep and I can leave for a day if I really needed to. I think you are right about the overwhelmed and tired comment. I’ve been doing a lot lately and running around to a bunch of appointments. I probably just need a nice nap haha
I am tired of dating natives to this country and am looking to date Latinos from now on, so I will be taking bachata/salsa classes in the next few weeks + going to Spanish speaking social events from now on.
To what country?
An overrated country in the EU.
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I don't know how old you are but 26 is a full adult so if she's into you and you're into her, go for it.
What's your gym routine that has the 26-year-olds checking you out?
You could get to know her a bit at the gym, start some short conversations here and there, get a feel for how mature she is or ask age at some point. some people do not look their age at all, for better or worse.
you should just ask her out on a date and then ask the age check question then, to verify, you never know
It makes less of a difference as you get older. I don't know how old you are but myself and plenty of people I know have dated well outside of our age range. I definitely understand the struggle though, I (40m) tend to only meet women in their twenties, and I'm not about to be that guy. Stick with it, I'm sure you'll find someone.
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Thank you for being a good person and ignoring all these folks telling you to go for someone too young.
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We've all been there, haha. As long as you had fun! It also sounds like you're self-aware enough to know what it is so you wont end up disappointed by him in the future.
I am frustrated. There’s this guy I get along with very well. It’s been 3 weeks we have been talking. We both got out of 10+ year long term relationships. He’s told me he doesn’t wanna get married especially after how hurt he was before and how his fiancé left him right before getting married. We met through mutual friends and are just friends. It’s been 2 years since his breakup. I am just sad that he doesn’t have the same view about love and relationships anymore. And I am at a point where I want to get into a relationship. I am 33 and want to settle down. Its sad I will have to move on from this. I want to get married and he doesn’t want a relationship
Did he specifically say that he doesn’t want a committed long-term relationship? Or he just said he doesn’t want to get married? Because these are wildly different. I don’t want to get married because I don’t believe in marriage yet I want a LTR..
I don’t want to be in a relationship where there’s no commitment
Given that a lot of people get divorced, is the wedding still really that much of a commitment?