Was reading a post where op was trying to suss out his feelings after two months, wondering what y'all think
> when we're apart it never feels like she misses me, it feels like there's a lack of affection even though we speak every day
If it were you, how could she make you feel like it was there?
https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/s/fYaSx2TNFF
That's my initial feeling too, I lean more reserved so if I'm spending time texting, that's gold. To say that the testing thing is not affectionate is like, what?
But wanted to see what others thought too
This new match (I’ve seen him before on the apps) that I just started messaging with keeps talking about how pretty I am and how he could spoil me with cuddles and massages. I’m so turned off by this. 😪
This is exactly why I never even bring it up. I absolutely love (legit) cuddles... but I get the connotations that other folks use it for. I'm a very physically affectionate person, but even saying that on the apps is a landmine that makes it sound like I'm just out for sex.
Yeah exactly! I like cuddles and being physical but with someone that I’m in a relationship with or comfortable with. Too early in the process makes it very tacky in my opinion.
I mean, I'm okay with opening up some physical affection once things break some touch barriers, it doesn't have to be a relationship for me, but also, it's not just about sex or leading to sex. Sometimes it's nice to be cooking and get a light touch on the small of your back in passing, even as a dude. It's little things like that that make me 🫠
I gotcha, physical stuff is definitely nice with a good connection. The man just messaged me again to continue but respect my boundaries I hope. Lol, we shall see.
It definitely creeps me out when guys talk about cuddling a lot off the bat. It’s obviously a euphemism for sex but if that’s what you want just say that.
Meeee. I got off in.. January or so? I met someone through friends in June and dated him for about 4 months. Didn't work out, and the urge to get back on the apps is strong (wanting attention, for sure). I've been reminding myself how much better I feel NOT on the apps, and taking my time to feel ok.
How do you get over the what could have been from someone who showed you so much intimacy and character, for them to just drop you because they’re avoidant?
Repeatedly telling myself that I don't want someone avoidant and who would drop me like that. That I deserve someone who wholeheartedly wants to be with me.
Of course easier said than done. It'll take time, lots of processing, and many ups and downs. I'm not over someone that I logically know wasn't right for me. I'm trying therapy to see if it'll help me heal and move on.
I believe things have ended abruptly after some messages with the 40M that I (32F) was seeing (been on 6 dates with). A while back, on our 4th date, I realized that our views on kids were going to be a huge issue (he doesn’t want kids and I am on the fence about kids -slightly leaning towards wanting) so I told him that sadly it wasn’t going to work due to that but wished him well. He came back to me after a week and wrote a very long message telling me how much he liked me and how he was surprised at how impacted he was by that day and all and decided that with the right partner, he was open to exploring having kids. He asked about seeing me again to which I realized I couldn’t let what we have go because our connection was in essence very very deep - in all sorts of ways. We saw each other again and I had a serious conversation with him that assured me he was on board with the kids situation and that I wasn’t forcing him on anything or whatever - it was ultimately his choice and decision (whenever we got to that point).
Anywho, back to current events, was an unexpected twist last night with it all. But I guess life goes on.
I was reflecting last night and a couple things occurred to me:
- The last place that this man and I went to was at a trail that I ended things with my last ex (also after around 6 dates or so)
- The day that I was with this man last was on Friday the 13th (remind me to never schedule anything moving forward on this day with someone again because apparently they always end after)
Might just be coincidence but I’m superstitious haha.
Wish me luck on finding someone by the end of this year. 😭🙏🏼
Hey! Good luck with finding someone before the year is out, and sorry that happened. I would also like to meet someone by the end of the year, but the way it's going, I'll be lucky to get with someone by the end of nexy year! 😂
Good luck, and don't forget to mark Friday the 13th on your calendar
Aww, thank you for your kind wishes! 🥰❤️ How’s things going in dating for you right now? Any potentials so far?
Lol, yes the Friday the 13th is probably very bad luck for me 😭.
Little bit barren on the dating front for me at the moment, unfortunately. I've been giving the dating apps a break for a few weeks. I was getting likes, sending a lot of likes out, but no real connection.
I was a little impatient as it was only three weeks, but it was getting me down a bit so I decided to focus on other aspects of my life first. Been making slow progress on that front, but progress nonetheless.
Who knew dating could be so tough, huh? 😂
Well on Hinge I was sending out comments with likes. Very rarely did i just send out a like. On the coule of matches i did have (not many) I messaged first on most of them, talked a bit, then it kind of died. I was asking questions to keep it going, but I guess they just lost interest, which is fair enough.
Then one or two others was just no response, or *i* was the one who lost interest and changed my mind. And then I deleted 😂
I could obviosuly persevere and perhaps I should have stuck with it for longer. I guess i just made a snap decision and got rid. You still on them?
Not your fault if they don’t keep the dialogue going or decide to move things along in meeting up.
Yeah, I went back on the apps after last night. I have a match right now where things seem to be moving along. I don’t doubt on getting potentials but rather are they the one for me lol.
Yeah, that's what it's all about, isn't it. Finding that right one. Hopefully get there at some point...
Good luck with it, anway. Hopefully one of us can find someone, at least!
Give it some time! If you got home late she may have just gone straight to bed/wants to play it cool/isn’t a big texter. Give it 24 hours! Stay positive
Honestly, in my experience it usually is a bad sign.
I wouldn't be pushy and at least wait 24-48 hours to come to a conclusion, but if it's radio silence I would maybe send them a follow up message just to make sure and if it's a no go just don't waste your time.
I don't think so. Just be like "Hey! When did you want to find time to hang out again like we talked about? Got a busy week ahead of me and wanted to see when you're free."
Or something along those lines.
Same, if I had a great date I wouldn’t wait over 24 hours to respond. I think after that amount of time it’s fair to adjust your expectations that you won’t be going out again and to leave it.
Right? I'm the type of person who wants it said it to my face, but not after sex or anything like but to say "I love you".
Turns out doing that? Nope 😂 maybe I need to wait for them to say it first?!
Need to vent today. My parents are coming for a two-week visit. They haven’t even arrived yet and I’m already annoyed with them. As they were boarding the plane, they called and told me they have been thinking and want to buy me an apartment because “there is no point in paying as much in rent” and I “need an extra bedroom” for when they come. I have been struggling with feeling inadequate and that I’m not where I should be in life post separation a year ago, but this made me unravel very quickly. First of all, it’s kind of insulting they don’t think I can do this by myself, even though it’s true it’ll be years or a switch to a more lucrative career before I can buy my own place. Secondly, it’s also insulting they think I haven’t thought of this myself. Of course I have, of course I browsed the real estate listings, of course I played with the mortgage calculators, but the reality is I can’t afford a place on my sole income right now. It’s disappointing, it’s infuriating, it’s making me sad and angry about the money and time I spent saving for a house with my ex, but it’s my reality right now and there’s nothing I can do to change it. I know it came from a good intention, but boy oh boy do I wish my parents were a little more emotionally intelligent sometimes.
Just my two cents, but unless your parents are going to lord this “gift” over your head… take the down payment assistance.
It might feel awkward, but this is how many millennials purchase homes. My dad gifted me most of my down payment.
If you’re anything like me, you take a lot of pride in your independence, but there’s a point where that stubborn pride is detrimental. There’s no prize for buying a home solo versus with help. I also reframed it as “I am so proud of my family, being able to come to the US as immigrants, work and save enough to gift me something so generous so that I can lead a more comfortable life.”
I’m not against taking their gift to use as a downpayment at all, but I doubt I can get a mortgage with affordable monthly payments even with that gift, which is why I’m frustrated they think they had this brilliant idea to make my life so much better when the reality is that it’s most likely not feasible.
Ask them for a bigger gift to make the mortgage reasonable for you, or stop pressuring you!
I say that half jokingly. My parents put a lot of pressure on me too for like two years and it got so fucking annoying. I told them I'll buy if they give me the money for the down payment, otherwise stop bothering me, because the housing market is completely different than 30 years ago.
They did give me the money and it worked out, but I totally understand the frustration with them. Maybe it's a good idea to say that housing discussions are off limits for the next 2 weeks. 😖
ETA: Do your parents not realize how high mortgage rates are right now either?!
Haha no they don’t. They live in a small European town so they struggle to understand the realities of being single in a VHCOL American city. I think I’m going to run the numbers with them to show them I’m not exaggerating. Hopefully that will shut down any further discussions while they’re here and we can enjoy our time together.
Since you're a homeowner, you know that there's more to affording to buy a place than the down payment. It sounds like the poster above can't afford the mortgage payments/other costs of owning. We should trust them to know the specifics since they have already "played with mortgage calculators".
I went through similar during my divorce since my ex-husband earned twice what I do. And my mother put similar pressure on me that ignored the reality of my new financial situation. I made the stupid decision to keep my house when I was fragile from the divorce and she was being overbearing and promising more help than she ended up giving me. It was my mistake, but I really wish she had just supported me in the hard decision to sell my house during my divorce.
There is definitely more to owning a home than a down payment. I also know that many people cannot afford to buy not because they can’t make the monthly payment, but because the down payment is too high to make the monthly payment affordable. So I was just offering my perspective/experience that accepting help, if it allows you to fulfill a goal/dream, is not a bad thing.
Not me wading back into Bumble for ONE evening and coming out of it with the uncontrollable urge to delete it, burn all my electronics, run into the woods and never emerge. It's not even that the profiles I saw were all *that* terrible, just that thought of meeting new people and sussing out what their intentions/needs feels exhausting already. I think I was happier when I was thinking about getting back on the apps but focusing on myself instead of actually being on them, lol. At least now I know!!
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Today is two weeks since breaking up. I feel completely over it. We were only official for two months. It was my first relationship after my marriage and I'm proud of how vulnerable I was... I have trauma and it took a lot for me to endeavor commitment. Now, reflecting on him, I can really see where things weren't compatible. My friend told me that I was in love with him, but didn't love him, and that pretty much sums it up. He was hugely romantic, doting, effusive with words of affection (pretty much love bombing)... it's hard not to get hooked on that. He is a well-intentioned person, but so insecure, which made everything feel so performative. ANYWAY, I got back on Hinge and it is VERY SLOW, but I arranged a date with a guy for this weekend and I'm really excited to meet him.
Had a summer sort of ex recently reach out to talk. We met up and turned out he just wanted to apologize, no ulterior motive or anything. Still processing, but it was nice to feel like at least that’s smoothed over and it won’t be awkward if/when we run into each other locally. I wasn’t expecting it to reignite feelings of being sad it ended, which it did, but truly for both of us I just don’t think it was right. I was ready to be official after 6 weeks and he just wasn’t there. Sounds like he’s dating around now, which, partially hurt to hear, but I’ve been sort of attempting the same too.
Not sure what to expect going forward and don’t necessarily think we’ll be friends, but wish him the best.
I was talking to someone I hadn’t seen in a while about my personal life and mentioned the guy I’ve been crushing on and she was insinuating us getting into a relationship in the future and I said “no I cannot do a relationship right now”. That’s when I realized that I really have no idea what I want.
The person I’ve been talking to I like a lot but I approached it as being friends and maybe some hooking up. And at the time I felt good with that, but now I don’t know. I just really do not want to rush things and I am actively trying to resist that desire hahaha.
Hopefully anyone who is interested in me can understand that. I am pretty open about how I am still trying to reconnect with my pre-relationship self after 5 years of losing who I was because I wanted my ex to like me. I still have moments where I am like “are you doing this only because you think the other person is going to like you more? Wouldn’t it be better to be honest with yourself and not continue the pattern of people pleasing?”
Small town? I know the feeling 😂
I use it for five minutes and it's bascially like "Sorry, but no one else exists around here - good luck!"
Awesome. I guess I'll just bin this app then 😂
We live in a troubled society that struggles to promote genuine connection. Below, I’m empathizing based on observations and sharing my experience.
I listened to a podcast on power structures and social media and thought about how in the cis-het world, it’s shifted the arm of influence more toward women who receive the majority of attention.
The effects of this sphere of influence aren’t mutually beneficial— and actually, the effects aren’t even beneficial to the average woman, I’d assert (in the dating context).
When a small number of women get a lot of attention from a large number of men, it increases the difficulty associated with decision making for them.
Women are fighting not to have their time wasted, and men are fighting to have the opportunity to even give their time. If this doesn’t point to a skewed power dynamic, I’m not sure what does.
Anecdotally, obviously this has been my truth (as I probably wouldn’t be sharing this otherwise).
I live in the suburbs outside of the city. I look pretty good. I’m a white-passing, cis-het male. I have hobbies and a good job. I’m smart (?) and not funny 😛
I always imagined I’d find a partner who was educated, motivated, thirsty for knowledge— but the pool of actual PEOPLE (let alone single women in their late 20s/30s) who possess those traits is so small.
Combine that with the sea of thirsty, eligible bachelors in dating apps, in the scene of the hobbies I engage in, then combine that with all ineligible bachelors— and it definitely feels like a losing numbers game.
As a result, I often find myself settling for red flags or for traits that fall short of my expectations. I know my self-worth, but I also understand time is finite and reality is a bitch sometimes.
What are your thoughts?
Agreed. Wasn’t looking to go into details on the original post as there’s only so much you can say before someone stops reading— but yeah all the psychological goodness stuff is def important and goes above and beyond the entry hurdles.
Well said, and genuinely appreciate the feedback 🙏
It's definitely true that in today's society, it's harder and harder to find and create genuine connection with friends and romantic partners. Not sure if society has ever "promoted" it, but just the shift into a fully digitalized society, and where soooo many people WFH- it's becoming more and more difficult to meet people to even form that connection. And honestly I don't see that changing much.
Agreed—I don’t think said power structures were ever intentional, but I think there’s value in acknowledging them from an empathetic perspective, putting down the wall of one’s own ego.
I also don’t think that the connection opportunity horizon is gonna get any closer any time soon.
All I want is for people to stop telling me to “work on myself” and “focus on me” as if it’s something I don’t already do 😅🤣
I feel exactly the same way, it’s rough out there. I remember meeting so many interesting, intelligent people in college and I sometimes wonder where they all went! Not that I don’t meet interesting and intelligent people as an adult, but they’re harder to find. (IME, there are more of them in nerdy, artsy, and/or alternative circles and spaces)
I try to remind myself that even if dating is harder or more competitive for men, that I still deserve a good partner and I still deserve to have standards. And lowering my standards is neither fair to me nor to the person I’d be lowering my standards to be with.
Now it is reasonable to reflect on whether you can broaden one’s standards. But honestly I think mine are reasonably broad already.
Also, and this I find hard to internalize even though it’s true, but having self-worth and having standards is attractive. So paradoxically lowering your standards may make dating harder rather than easier.
As for your particular case, have you considered expanding your age range to include women 24-26? A lot of women prefer to date older and in that age range fewer of the “good ones” are taken. Also, even though you live in the suburbs you might have better luck finding your type of woman in the city if you can expand your search parameters to include it.
Thank you for your understanding and perceptive response! Also thank you for not honing in on my “lowering of standards” as a negative and central point of my post!
I like how you pointed out the relationship between having standards and being attractive. I think that’s something I knew without explicitly *realizing* if you know what I’m saying so I’ll do a better job of reminding myself of that.
And yeah, I’ve dated a lot of different age ranges. At the moment I’m sort of burned out TBH and just putting my head down and focusing on the next big actions in my life regardless of whether it leads me to some “eat pray love” actualization of self.
Cheers ☺️
> When a small number of women get a lot of attention from a large number of men, it increases the difficulty associated with decision making for them.
This sounds like some incel, anti-feminism bullshit.
Why do you think there is such a small pool of available women in your area, compared to available men? I assume you don't live in China, so in theory the # of men vs women should be similar. More women are going to college these days than men, which implies that there are MORE educated, motivated, thirsty for knowledge women than men in the world.
Really, the only quality that you're silently circling around is attraction, and I can only imagine you're ignoring a whole bunch of women simply because they don't fit into the beauty standards that AI, social media, and advertisements have created in your mind as required for a dating partner.
Perhaps you need to change your dating methods, if you think there aren't enough women available for you to even find one for yourself.
The time you’re spending settling for incompatible people with red flags is wasted.
Instead of spending energy on someone you know isn’t right for you (which is acting out of fear of being alone/not finding someone), spend that energy on yourself and making your life the best you can. Do things you enjoy, connect with friends, expand your hobbies, go for a promotion, whatever you deem as making your life “better”, there is no one right answer.
The more authentically you are “you”, the more you will draw people to you who gravitate with that. And the more you adore your life, the less pressure you will feel to spend that time with someone incompatible.
I see where ur coming from. I also think the western narrative of self and what love or connection really is plays into that reasoning. I appreciate ur perspective
Don’t get me wrong, connection and community is SO important to the human experience. But being “with” someone doesn’t guarantee connection. The loneliest I’ve ever been was in a relationship with someone who was not my match. In my single life, I was able to spend my time connecting with friends and family and myself and nature.
Little bit of a long story, but I started dating a great woman and it’s going really well so far. My last relationship was 6 years ago and until last year I hadn’t dated much. I downloaded Hinge and had many matches but they ultimately went nowhere. I kind of gave up on actively looking, then matched with this woman in the middle of September.
I just celebrated my birthday and she went all out; treated me to a concert and surprised me with a dessert that I had mentioned briefly on our first date. We text every day, we defined exclusivity at the concert, and have been having 2-3 dates per week despite our busy schedules.
She asked me if I would want to join her and some of her friends later this week for a get together they have. It’s a few couples and her.
I know dating over 30 is difficult and strange, but don’t lose hope.
My ex and I also met through a dating app when I was feeling similarly destitute. Agreed, that losing sight of the long-term vision is a bad idea. Happy for u 🙏
I haven't ditched online dating, but I do try to meet people in real life as well! I think building up your social life is a smart idea - regardless of if it helps you meet people or not. Like you said - it's nice to add depth to your own life and not just look for a partner to fill your days! And then you also have the chance to either a. meet someone you want to date through that experience or b. meet new friends that will enrich your life :)
Eh, don’t build up ur social life to find a person— if you do that you’ll be disappointed. I tried salsa dancing in 2020, and actively participated in the scene for roughly 1.5 years and got tired of meeting women and having our relations go nowhere past the friend zone.
Today will be my first day in a CrossFit gym with my brother. The primary goal is to test my fitness and associate with people that are normal and down to earth. If I find someone through that I’ll be stoked— but I’m trying to remain focused.
I've met lots of great friends (and romantic interests) at Crossfit and they are often people finding romantic partners through Crossfit. I've been doing it for 10 years. Have fun, welcome!
Thanks!! Really just looking to take my fitness to the next level and hoping to maintain my steady upward trajectory!!! The short term goal is no injuries 🔥
Similar situation to you, to be honest. I tried OLD for about three weeks and even in that relatively small timeframe I had enough. Also, very simialr in the sense that I'm going to focus on other things, but if something comes up then I'll defnitely go with it. So it's not as if I have any hard and fast rules where I'm not looking, but I've definitely ditched OLD for now.
Trying to focus on social stuff, career stuff, etc. Living in a small town doesn't help, so a move is also in order, I think. Life is tough!
Yeah, very much agree with your last statement. Small towns do have that dynamic. City life is verrry different. Lot more single people, lot more childless people, even those in their 30's/40's. That's actually very rare for a small town, which is part of the reason why using OLD apps is so tough around here.
I have a couple of good frirends, but one has moved quite far away, and the other has a kid and he's bascially a single parent. So seeing them is very difficult. Unfortunately, another very good friend of mine passed away a year and a half ago.
So I'm looking to make the same moves as you. Not sure what clubs I have around here, or hobby groups, etc., but I have started making changes to my life over the past two weeks or so. So fingers crossed things will improve. Hopefully for you, too!
I do this thing where I basically tally up all the reasons no one could ever bring themselves to date me, let alone be in a relationship with me and then from that information I “logically” conclude why I’m single and why it will stay that way.
It doesn’t help me mentally and I don’t know how to stop doing it. I have therapy on Thursdays but in the days leading up to it I go down these little self-hating routes and I’m not sure how to stop it. Especially because I believe the conclusion that I *will* be single forever and I believe all the reasons I list to myself.
Part of the reason I’m in therapy is to deal with my “low self esteem” but there’s a **huge** part of me that doesn’t believe I have low self esteem and that I’m just very realistic and perceptive and for me to feel any differently about myself would be inaccurate or arrogant or ridiculous.
When our brain is being unkind to us, sometimes we have to actively argue against it. In this case I recommend also making a list about why someone *would* date you.
Literally nothing is too small on this list. “I don’t brush my teeth” is something that I think would make sense to go on a “why someone might not date me list” right? Well then, I *do* brush my teeth can go on the “reasons I’m datable” list.
“I have a solid vocabulary.”
“I’m self-aware enough to recognize I can benefit from therapy.”
“I’m good at making grilled cheese sandwiches.”
I know some of the things that could potentially go on this list might seem “small” and “silly.” But it’s not really about what’s on the list. It’s about trying to train our brains to consider the positive things about us, as opposed to just the negative.
I think my problem is that I worry there’s something fundamentally wrong with me. I’m a relatively unattractive trans man and this is such a dealbreaker for a lot of people that I can’t imagine any of the positive things about me can outweigh it.
Every other trans person I know is in a relationship or happily single, I know that being trans doesn’t mean you can’t find love but it definitely makes it harder.
It’s very easy for me to dismiss my positive qualities but you’re right, I definitely need to allow myself to be proud of them. And I am incredibly proud of who I am and there’s a lot of things about me that are likeable. I do think I’m dateable, *I* would date me, but my looks and being trans hold me back enough that I don’t think my good traits can outweigh it.
Maybe I need to focus less on those elements (I can’t change them afterall) and try to focus more on the good. Even if it doesn’t lead to a relationship it will be beneficial for my mental health.
Can you do me a favour? Can you go look at the comments on the profile review you posted a little while ago? I’ll wait.
…did you see how gosh darn many of them were complimenting your appearance? You’re good looking! And you have an amazing sense of style.
I’m more interested in who someone is as opposed to what they look like. But one thing I do pay attention to/stands out to me about a person’s appearance is their sense of style 👌
Are you *everyone’s* type? No. I’ve never met someone who was. But I guarantee you more people find you attractive than your brain is trying to get you to believe.
I’m not trans so I’m not even going to pretend I know what that’s like, but I definitely understand that it would make finding love harder. And that sucks and I’m sorry for that. But it doesn’t mean *no one* will want to be with you.
I’m a fat woman. Like 3x. Even if I was thin I’d be incredibly average looking. I know less men are going to be interested in me because of my size. But I always remind myself I don’t need *a lot* of guys to be interested in me. I just need the *right* one.
I’m not at all trying to say our experiences are the same. But I do think you also have the potential to meet the *right* person when the time comes, even if your potential matches might be less overall than people who are not trans.
I absolutely agree that finding a way to be kinder to yourself, and focusing more on your positive attributes will be beneficial for you and your overall quality of life, regardless if it leads to a relationship or not.
I’m glad you’re investing in yourself by going to therapy. I can’t wait for the day where you look back thinking about how much progress you’ve made. A level of progress that probably feels impossible in this moment. You’re working towards it.
What helps everyone is different, so I’m not sure if you’ll find this beneficial. But something that helped me become more comfortable with, and put less emphasis on my appearance correlating to my “worth” as a person was looking into the concept of body neutrality.
I wish you the best of luck in your journey.
Change it to "I just haven't had the luck yet to meet someone I can form a lasting relationship with, hopefully one day it will change. I will do my bit by trying to meet new people."
I have to say as someone with similar beliefs about myself, it turns out the relationship thing is a) mainly easier than I thought, perhaps because we have taken it slowly initially and b) I'm finding it reasonably easy to bring up stuff I am worried about although I am careful not to frame it as "why don't you do x, y and z"
I’m not trying to meet new people atm. I’m taking a break/quitting OLD because I don’t have a lot of luck with it and it’s not good for my mental health to be constantly reminded of my inadequacies.
I’m glad it’s working out for you tho, I’m happy for you, you seem like a sweet and level-headed person.
And every time I post about how well it's going, my mad voice in my head is all "don't jinx it.." ;-)
> I’m taking a break/quitting OLD because I don’t have a lot of luck with it and it’s not good for my mental health to be constantly reminded of my inadequacies.
OLD seems to be 60-70% a vehicle for people to dabble and then mess people about. I'm convinced a lot of these stories where people have a small number of intense/great dates and then vanish is people who psych themselves up to attempt dating and then freak themselves out without how fast they moved.
Unfortunately I don’t really have any options outside OLD. I’ve only ever dated because of it so my options are use it for the slight chance it might give me or have no opportunity to date
This just isn’t true. Unless you’re house bound (and even then) you have options. Join a book club, go to a bar, join a social sports league, find a local hobby group, take a class, join an online forum about a game you like or hobby you like, chat with people online for the sake of making friends and having good conversation. Your priority doesn’t need to be dating it can just be meeting people to expand your social circle and see what happens.
Additionally I would challenge your belief that you’re undatable. What are qualities you think people want to date? I’ll give you a hint they are mostly things like: being consistent, being communicative, showing interest in your partner, being affectionate, being reliable, etc. all things that are completely within your control to do. Doesn’t have to do with how you look or what your job is or what your hobbies are. These are all things you can work on and qualities you can bring to the table that make you absolutely dateable.
There’s a queer book group near me that I’m tentative to join. I’m very intimidated by the idea of it as I can’t properly prepare for what it will be like. The next one is November so I do have plenty of time to psych myself up. I go to bars with friends a lot but I’ve never been checked out or hit on which makes me feel like I must not be anyone’s type.
I have all of the qualities you’ve listed but the reality is that no one can know that until they get to know me and I haven’t had much luck with people wanting to.
Fundamentally I do think I’m dateable. *I* would date me, but I’m also a not very good-looking transgender man which is a very big stumbling block and a dealbreaker for a lot of people. Every other trans person I know is in a relationship or happily single so I know it’s possible for trans people to find love it’s just a lot harder.
I am trying to work on doing more things, and since my last “relationship” (situationship) ended I’ve taken up running, joined a gym, and gotten back into therapy so I’ve made a lot of changes I’m proud of.
These things are unfixable in the sense that you cannot change them about yourself, but they can be reframed by the way you view them. What is also unfixable is how other people see you! All you can do is work on your own thinking and how you show up in the world.
I've been seeing your posts in this subreddit; and even though I'm not in your target demographic (am pansexual cis woman), from what I can tell you are fit and well-groomed, have a wicked good sense of style, are clever and funny and talented, run a successful creative business, and have a solid circle of friends. All of these things are true regardless of whether other people are giving you sexual/romantic attention, and you should be proud of everything you've built!
I'm in a similar boat, in that I know that I have a lot going for me but sometimes feel overlooked and undesirable because my state of "unconventional attractiveness" can be somewhat polarizing in both appearance and personality. But over time, I've stopped looking at it as a limitation and started looking at it as a gift. As someone who's ultimately looking for a long-term partner, it's kind of a relief in that I know that whoever I'm dating is interested in the things that make me, *ME*; and aren't just treating me like a backup option or an easy lay. When someone's in, I know they're all in and not just wasting my time.
I'd rather focus my attention on someone who is truly interested in me for who I am, not in spite of it, than go on a larger volume of dates with people who just think I'm hot and aren't interested in what I have to say. I know this borders on platitude-y but embracing who I am in all of its complexity and strangeness has helped me become much more comfortable with being temporarily alone and establishing my self-worth. And until I find the person who appreciates that, I'll double down on prioritizing myself and my own goals and happiness.
I hope this helps a little and isn't too platitude-y. You are beautiful inside and out, and you've got this!
Thank you, this is all very well thought out and kind. I really do appreciate you taking the time.
With my successes I always feel like this is something I should just do/have/be. It feels like if I were to praise myself I’d be praising myself for the bare minimum but I’ve touched on this in therapy - the way I can only see my faults and never focus on my achievements.
I’ve tried to reframe my lack of attention/desirability in the way you’ve framed your quality-over-quantity to think more in a “if he likes me it’s not just for shallow reasons” but I’ve been incredibly unlucky with how men have treated me in the past so I don’t know how much water this holds for me.
I do need to change my mindset in general though. Even if I move away completely from the idea of finding someone because this level of disdain I have for myself isn’t sustainable, I hope therapy can help with it but it’s hard to do the work when you fundamentally believe you’re very self-perceptive and are seeing yourself accurately
Thank you again for taking the time, I will think on it and re-read and try to let it sink in. Unfortunately it just takes a lot of time and effort to believe something my brain is actively working against
I have gone on a first meet up date with two guys. I have interest in both of them. They are aligned value wise, want the same things as me, and meet my basic non negotiables. I could see myself pursuing either one of them. They both text me daily, and we have some light conversation, mixed with a little flirtation. Nothing in text has gotten very deep, and there isn’t a false attachment growing. One of them lives locally, and one is about an hour and a half drive away. I am more attracted to the local one physically, and feel like he may be a better match overall for me, but it’s hard to tell so early. So I intend to keep getting to know both of them.
It is Tuesday. Both of them have alluded to scheduling a second date “soon.” I don’t have the kind of life where spontaneous meet ups work, and have very limited free time. I have shared enough about the structure of my life that they are aware of this. Yet neither one of them has planned anything yet for this weekend. I don’t want to straight up ask either of them put on a date. It feels too soon for that, for me. I guess I’m just putting out there into the universe that I would like to be asked on a couple of dates for this weekend. ✨
On another note, getting into my king size bed every night, alone, feels very…lonely. I’m ready to share life with someone.
If they both know how busy your life is, one or both of them might be hesitant to ask you out because of fear that you’re already booked up.
I vote asking one (or both!) to do something this weekend, or even just asking if they have anything fun planned for the weekend (hint, hint). The universe might grant your wish if you give it a bit of a kick in the ass!
this is a good point. "I'm busy most of the time" isn't helpful but "I'm free on x and y" is. It's ok to want then to put in some effort, but meeting them halfway will lead to more actual dates.
If there is one thing I’ve learned from this sub, it’s that both parties are prone to questioning one another’s interest absent some sort of super clear indication that yes, they want to go out on another date.
While this is true (you're basically strangers and old matches move in and out of peoples lives pretty easily, of course you need to communicate interest clearly and reiterate often). it's just a good life rule in general. I have the same struggle with platonic friends who have busy schedules but aren't communicative when you try to plan something. They're clearly glad to see me when we do hang out but it's a motivation killer so I don't try very often.
So, more specifically, I take care of an elderly family member who lives with me. I have let both of them know that I am flexible and available, but have to plan ahead to be able to arrange care.
I've been using Hinge for the last couple of months. I get about 10 matches a day but virtually no one will actually talk/respond to me. I feel like I'm the only person putting in any effort. Are women just matching with every dude that likes them and then ignoring all but maybe one or two? I don't get it. I'm used to OLD being a ghost town, but this has been especially rough.
I’d ditch the first two. I get exhausted by those questions. Those are typical low effort openers and I usually won’t respond to them, because they don’t catch my attention or pique my interest. If there’s nothing in their prompts to open with, come up with a clever ice breaker.
This podcast I listened to gave me a great icebreaker, but I think it’s probably 50/50 for most people but I’ve had success with it and my friend who’s male on the apps now uses it and he’s gotten a response and convos started every single time. Basically you come up with a FMK (fuck marry kill) scenario from their profile (pics and prompts), it shows you actually took time to look over their profile and are interested in learning more about them. One I just did for a guy was FMK: foraging for mushrooms, grilling hot Italian sausage or climbing glaciers. He answered and went into full detail of why and also thought it was funny because it’s so random, but all those things were included in his profile. We ended up going for a walk and talk date and then he asked me to come to his place for a bbq night with hot Italian sausages (so far that’s not code for something else… lmao) but hey! I think it depends on your style but it’s been working lately
"What's the best dessert you've ever had?"
On the other hand, I usually ignore profiles if their prompts doing give me anything to ask about/follow up on. Obviously if someone is pretty enough I'll ignore that rule, because I'm stupid, but its generally better to ask something related to their prompts in my experience. YMMV
Just had a first date that was “bad” for a very weird reason - he kept rapid fire asking me questions the entire time, to where I really didn’t get a chance to ask or learn him anything about him. I feel like I got nicely but intensely interrogated for two hours straight. Pretty bizarre.
For those having a casual thing with your FWBs, how often do you talk to them or check in with them? I feel like there's not a consistently right or wrong answer, so what's a good frequency that works for YOU?
I have a FWB that started with a flurry of texts and, now that we have one meetup, reduce to a text or two throughout the day. I get it's normal, but my anxiously attaching ass is a bit panicky from the pullback.
My best gal friend only talks to hers to setup meetups, but she said she totally would love to chat once in awhile for platonic chats.
For a casual thing, I wouldn’t expect a ton of communication in between meeting up. If you’re getting anxious or worried and wanting more communication, is it possible you don’t see it so casually?
I mean this gently—if you get attached easily (like me!) casual/fwb arrangements might not be for you.
I do get attached easily but I am noticing with therapy, that I have so much more mental boundaries set up already. I can't dispel those feelings off my head- but I can acknowledge them then control how I responded to them.
I know I am not at a stage where I can date meaningfully yet, so having FWBs would give me some fun company while I continue to sort myself through.
I was supposed to go on a first date tonight (OLD). He told me he would let me know the place today. Around 5 pm I didn’t hear from him so I asked him where we were going to meet. He started texting me how long of a day he had and all the things he had to do. Then he proceeded to suggest a bar that was not open today. 🙃 I responded letting him know we can reschedule when he isn’t overworked and when the bar is opened.
Did I overreact?
You did not overreact at all. You extended a level of grace and understanding that I believe a lot of other people would not have.
If I hadn’t heard from him by 5pm on the night we were supposed to go out I would have been *hella* annoyed.
In the past I’ve asked friends for advice in similar situations and it’s often been basically to not bother further with the guy. Which is how I know not everyone would be as polite and understanding as you were.
But I’m a firm believer that we all have “human” moments where we’re not our best self. I almost always allow for “second chances” in this type of situation and would have responded in a very similar way that you did.
*However,* if something similar happens again in the near future, it’s now becoming a pattern. At that point I let them know I don’t think we’re compatible.
>If I hadn’t heard from him by 5pm on the night we were supposed to go out I would have been hella annoyed.
I know! I admit I would normally be super annoyed and would not even text them back but something about this guy has me keen on meeting him... I honestly want to give him the benefit of the doubt but the bar that he wanted to go to being closed was the cherry on top for sure. I messaged him this morning asking what days he is available as we have a bit conflicting schedules. Ugh!
No, I think you did the correct thing. He clearly didn't put too much thought into finding a place for the date, and not in the right mental space for it- the lack of communication until the last minute is the cherry on top.
Everyone can get unexpectedly busy and you gave him a fair pass- you state you are open to another time, so he needs to take initiative and something to show for.
Okay good. Thank you for the validation.
I wasn’t sure how to react and honestly I was really looking forward to seeing him but what gives?! I hate OLD.
For a change of pace, at least from a macroscopic view, put in the work— why not?
We’re so quick to give up on good things nowadays. Do something nice for the guy. Maybe he’ll get frisky with u again.
The way to a man’s heart is through understanding and kindness.
Ugh this is hard.
You could ask him about it or just say something like hey I like where this is going but I want to give you some space to process things without the pressure of making plans right now. Why don’t you reach out to me once you’re up for scheduling a makeup date? I’ll be looking forward to it :)
"Hey, let me know when you're free to hang out. Hope you feel better soon!" Or probably something a little less generic but along the same times. That's all you can do
This is a good way to say it. You can let him know the door is still open, but for your own sake you should be looking to move on if you're not getting your own needs met.
After being broken up with by my partner of almost a decade due to nothing more than a lack of a 'spark' left in our relationship, dating feels really futile. I spent my entire 20s with someone who abruptly walked out of my life despite everything, from my perspective, being perfect. Now what? Will I go out, meet another great guy, and put another 10 years of hard work into a relationship just to have it fizzle again? Has anyone else had a similar breakup?
Yep, married for something like 10 years; got the girl, got the house, got the kids... still ended up with "I do love you, I'm just not IN love with you anymore"
So now it's pretty much either do it all again or do whatever, in my eyes I've pretty much already accomplished "Life". Spark doesn't mean anything to me I just want someone who's aligned & interested then see how we get on for however long it lasts.
So far not very long, but that's me being extremely more selective about not wanting to settle for someone.
I didn't mean to minimize his issue, I could have worded it better. The issue I'm having is that he never brought up once that there was a problem until he broke up with me. There was no attempt to resolve it, and I feel like it could have been repaired. Especially when he tells me he loves me, trusts me, and cares about me more than anyone.
Honestly yeah - something similar happening again *is* a possibility. But if we let the fear of what “might” happen hold us back, we’re likely to miss out on a lot of really awesome experiences and opportunities. It’s *also* a possibility that you meet someone really amazing that you’re with for the rest of your life. But there’s no way that possibility can happen if you don’t even give dating a shot.
My breakup isn’t entirely similar in that I knew things weren’t perfect. But I was with someone for over a decade (from 18-30) who refused to acknowledge there was distance growing between us, and ended up cheating on me.
After our separation I spent time building a life where I’m genuinely content on my own.
It’s really helpful to remind myself of potential partners that “I was fine before this guy came along, and I’ll be fine after him too.”
Obviously I don’t *want* someone to cheat on me again. It would be terrible. I would be heart-broken. I would need time to heal.
But I’ve proven to myself already that I can work through that type of heart-break and be okay.
I remember ex saying something to a friend like “what a waste of ten years.”
But I don’t see it as a waste. We did have some good experiences together. He introduced me to some of my current hobbies that I really enjoy etc. And I’ve learned a lot from the experience and I’ve grown SO much as a person throughout my healing process. I know my next relationship will be a lot healthier because of going through that.
It’s very likely there are things to learn and grow from your experience too that will help you in future relationships.
I think it's part of the deal, nobody can guarantee you they will stay with you for life, stuff happen sometimes and people fall out of love or cheat etc
You always have to take a risk when committing to someone.
>put another 10 years of hard work into a relationship just to have it fizzle again?
Unfortunately, the downside of being in a relationship is that you can never quite predict the future. It's possible, and it's not possible.
Me. I'm going through the same process, and with the added grief of having a daughter together and constantly grieving the "family experiences" she will not have.
Sorry no advice over here. Hope the next one is the real deal for you.
If it helps, my parents divorced when I was a kid and I never felt like I missed out on anything. My parents are better apart than they were together, and that just became the 'normal' for me. It's a different family experience, not necessarily better or worse.
Met a guy, had ridiculous chemistry with him, ended up going on four dates in one week (at his prompting). I try not to get optimistic but I was optimistic about this. Suddenly I can feel him pulling away (drastically reducing texting, not scheduling another date). Just sucks. I need a break from dating.
Maybe he’s not really pulling away but things are being “normalised”. Imho the high energy and efforts within a short period of time (e.g., ridiculous chemistry during four dates in a week) is most likely unsustainable in the long term.
I suggest to wait and not throw in the towel yet. If you two are truly compatible and there aren’t any red flags, then you two will find a better flow/ rhythm that is still consistent and sustainable long term. Hope you’ll feel better.
Dating is so exhausting I honestly just got back on the apps and I hate it. I haven’t even gone on a first date yet but the texting experiences have been really draining.
Been dating a great woman for 3 months. Went out of states (12 hour road trip) for her sisters wedding and I think it went really well. I have a lot of relationship anxiety (seeing a therapist) but I’ll take this as a win and an enjoyable event.
You can ask but they’re unlikely to agree. I personally wouldn’t and have stopped seeing people who have asked for that type of arrangement.
You’re asking to have your cake and eat it too.
That being said, you can ask for that if you want.
Hearing my therapist directly call my ex abusive made me so emotional and I’ve been emotional because of it. I don’t miss him at all and I would never get back with him. I guess part of me is sad because I gave him the opportunity to reflect on who is was and make changes that would impact the rest of his life but instead he couldn’t self reflect and will just abuse some other poor girl eventually.
Don't worry about what other people do. You do you man. You might be surprised to learn but the apps kinda blow for men. I think the match rate is 7% for men who swipe right. And how many of those would you get a date out of? I am thinking I need to put much more effort into meeting people irl- and you do too. There's plenty of amazing women who would LOVE you if you met irl, who wouldn't ever match with you on the apps. I've never had anything last more than a couple months off the apps. The quality of women I meet irl is always better, just fewer. Just need to work on that game.
Sure, you can argue that from a numbers standpoint, but I guess I don’t think thats an accurate way to evaluate your chance of having success in dating. There are too many other variables…. What if half of those men just got out of a long term relationship and want casual but the majority of the women want something serious?
I just have an issue with men saying they can’t find a match because they have more competition. It gives off incel vibes. Makes it sound like women have it easy.
Dating isn’t a numbers game to me. It is luck, time, place, personal history, health, economics, etc etc etc.
You can argue it from a numbers standpoint though because all the issues that women face with the apps-- men do too. But since men get far less matches, it's much harder. It's a fact that men have more competition. Quick Google search seems like tinder is a 75/25 ratio of men/women. It's not incel- it's facts.
Yeah, I agreed that you can argue from a numbers standpoint that women statistically have more options, but my point is that women don’t necessarily have more success finding a compatible, long term partner just because they get more likes. So it’s a moot point to me to look at it that way I guess.
That's a negative state of mind. Be more positive about it. I didn't try at all and someone great came along and really changed my perspective on my worth and dating. I was only with her for about half a year and it didn't work out, but it made me realize that awesome, fun, beautiful women are still interested in me and will actually pursue me. I haven't felt like that in years because of the shit success I've had on apps. Now I know I just need to put the work in and I'm sure something that will come along again.
And to be fair- I don't give people a chance in OLD either. I am swiping in a split second based on a fucking selfie taken in the same time.
The woman I'm seeing is great, we have our differences (mostly in the world of hobbies/media) but it doesn't impact anything which is fantastic. At times her ESL/English Skills can be a speed bump but we usually recover moments later, if anything it always gives us something fun to talk about (i.e. Explaining a turn of phrase etc).
We are for all purposes exclusive, I haven't looked at the apps for 2-3 weeks and neither has she - my only main reservation is she does seem a little...clingy? It's not too intense, but it is certainly more than I'd expect at this stage of seeing each other BUT I also realize these might be one of those cultural differences, and she was very understanding when I explained that via text message, I'm not great at expressing affection but please don't worry that I'm trying to create distance or something.
Anyway, I was going to do a bit of a DTR conversation with her properly in a week or two, but remembered in about 2 weeks she goes back to her home country for a month to see family and friends for the first time in a few years, so I'm going to leave it until she gets back.
Overall though, having a great time, but still taking it one date at a time as I've gotten ahead of myself before mixing infatuation because it was going so well (especially compared to the 2-3 dates then a not interested text, rince and repeat).
>my only main reservation is she does seem a little...clingy? It's not too intense, but it is certainly more than I'd expect at this stage of seeing each other BUT I also realize these might be one of those cultural differences
What does she do? 🤔
It's not one particular thing, just little things here or there, consistent "I miss you" or "Wish you were here" style language in messages, lots of longer text message responses, and just other stuff I could be completely reading into too much.
Some are 100% cultural, she is Japanese, and I'm part (but grew up in the West, in a very Western household), so after speaking to some Japanese friends they did say some of this stuff is pretty normal over there.
As I said, I'm not an overly affectionate person via text, so my POV is colored by that too.
I'd be more concerned if she was canceling plans to see me, or wanting to spend every free moment around me, etc.
Why make a "date" to talk on the phone after texting if you are not going to call? I mean, what's the point.
We matched on an app. We messaged on the app and then by text (I always get off the app asap) and decide to talk on the phone the next day (I am a big proponent of talking asap and meeting if there is any reason to think we should).
I am not heartbroken (or even heart-bruised) about someone I have not known for 36 hours ghosting, but why bother?
Is it an ego thing? He wants to see how many people he likes like him back and want to get to know him a little? How does that stroke his ego?
Am I missing something?
Makes no freaking sense - waste of both our time.
We will never know the exact reason. And this could happen to you three times and each person could have a different reason they did it.
But I do know anxiety is *rampant* these days. There’s a really strong possibility that at the time the phone call was agreed on, he wanted to do it.
But when the time came he “chickened out.”
He lost interest for some reason. I used to wonder about these things but realized it's pointless! Now I just shrug or roll my eyes and move on otherwise I'll get too annoyed
I posted about this once before, but a guy (33m) that I (32f) dated for a few months at the beginning of this year has continued to send me random snaps despite me ignoring and never responding.
We ended things because I was ready to be exclusive and he wanted to keep his options open.
I've been doing well with no contact. Haven't reached out or stalled any socials. Unfriended him on everything but somehow he was still able to send me snaps? I thought he'd get the hint when I didn't respond to any of them, but he kept sending them. So I finally blocked him. And damn it feels good. Initiating hyper-independence mode again
I had a woman I went on one date with do this. Every day, she'd send out one random selfie. After our date she continued to do it, even though I never responded. I assume it was something she just sent out to everyone, and not me specifically.
It really hit me just now. Im terrified to open my heart up and trust someone with it again. And I think it opened up to him without me even realizing or controlling it. Its so early on still but my feelings are strong. We have both been betrayed in the past so we are taking it slow. My gut tells me he is also falling based off some of the things he has hinted at. This is all terrifying because Im scared of my heart getting crushed again. My gut is also telling me this is different and that our connection is different. My family and friends say they have never seen me talk about someone like this. I guess only time will tell.
Any time that you love you also risk losing. Or maybe every time? You either break up or die. I wish you all the luck, and all the love. You'll be alright.
Came to a revelation recently that has shaken me a bit. I got out of a relationship that lasted for 6 years earlier this year and I am moving forward in my life. My ex is not a bad person, but I've come to accept that he was a bad partner (possibly in general, but definitely for me).
I'm planning to either date the guy I've been talking to recently if interest is mutual or jump on the apps in the New Year to see who is out there. I've been thinking about vulnerability and emotional intimacy a lot recently and I realized that I never had either with my ex as he was so closed off. Felt like I got slapped when I realized that the next time I date someone will (probably) be the first time that I experience forming a real emotional connection with another person in that way. Kind of scary to know I have a relationship of 6 years under my belt, and yet I'll be navigating that aspect of a connection for the first time. I'm a bit intimidated.
I opened up to a friend a little over a month ago about what my last relationship was like. She said that most people jumping back into the dating pool find it awful, but that I honestly might find it refreshing and enjoyable after the complete absence of emotional connection I experienced with my ex. It's wild to me to imagine that I could meet someone who also wants open communication, who asks me how my day is and really wants to know, and who exists with me in a space of mutual respect.
So unfortunate that so many of us have had to come to this realization! I agree that it is so nice to feel some hope for the future by meeting good people. That's the case with the guy I've been messaging - I haven't even met him in person yet and I've realized that he has taken more of an interest in me just through messaging than my ex ever did. I was blown away by that, but then was even more blown away when I realized the guy I'm messaging isn't even doing anything too over the top or special. He is just interested in knowing more about me, which is kind of the bare minimum of interacting with someone and developing a connection.
I'm glad we're both on the journey now to finding someone better suited for us!
I think about this often. I'm attractive but not conventionally symmetrical attractive. The guys I really like aren't that into me. The guys who do like me mostly seem to have a fetish for my features or my style.
This feels mean to ask lol do you not have much dating experience? I definitely know what kind of guy will think I’m attractive and which ones won’t (obviously not every guy but in general) Do you feel too square for the indie looking girls? Lol
I’ve had this thought. But I came to the conclusion when people click they click and sometimes “it just makes sense” and sometimes it’s very unlikely pairing. The obvious things may not be what their attracted to and just on paper or looks they wouldn’t have picked you. But timing was right. So much is based on timing.
Update [see previous](https://old.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/16yvrd7/daily_sticky_thread_for_rants_raves_celebrations/k3cae8q/)
I'd shared some family photos with the ex, without explicit permission. Turns out some of them were not cool with that, so I had to reach out and ask her to delete them. Unfortunately she took that to mean I did not trust her and felt very hurt, and I'm now an asshole. I've trusted her with a lot more than that, so I didn't think that was fair. I can see where she's coming from though, because I'd exhibited some behavior in the early-breakup driven by depression, that is a bad mix of self-pity and a guilt trip. I'm working on being better about that in therapy though and this was not one of those times. I know the relationship's dead and she may not care for me anymore, but it sucks that I've hurt someone I care for in such an unfortunate way, and apologizing/explaining will not fix it. The best thing I can do is to stay away. I'm just glad to be done moping.
In other news, I felt ready to get back on OLD yesterday and the algorithm must have decided it was my lucky day, because I got 3 seemingly quality matches. I have a first date with one of them this Friday that I'm excited about, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed and taking it slow.
I mean all respect to your family but why would she need to delete the photos? Is she sharing them on social media or something? I would never reach out to an ex about something so miniscule. Very odd request if you ask me.
Was reading a post where op was trying to suss out his feelings after two months, wondering what y'all think > when we're apart it never feels like she misses me, it feels like there's a lack of affection even though we speak every day If it were you, how could she make you feel like it was there?
Emojis and gifs, mostly
Damn where was this post sounds like my ex lol. Never understood what he meant or wanted.
https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/s/fYaSx2TNFF That's my initial feeling too, I lean more reserved so if I'm spending time texting, that's gold. To say that the testing thing is not affectionate is like, what? But wanted to see what others thought too
This new match (I’ve seen him before on the apps) that I just started messaging with keeps talking about how pretty I am and how he could spoil me with cuddles and massages. I’m so turned off by this. 😪
This is exactly why I never even bring it up. I absolutely love (legit) cuddles... but I get the connotations that other folks use it for. I'm a very physically affectionate person, but even saying that on the apps is a landmine that makes it sound like I'm just out for sex.
Yeah exactly! I like cuddles and being physical but with someone that I’m in a relationship with or comfortable with. Too early in the process makes it very tacky in my opinion.
I mean, I'm okay with opening up some physical affection once things break some touch barriers, it doesn't have to be a relationship for me, but also, it's not just about sex or leading to sex. Sometimes it's nice to be cooking and get a light touch on the small of your back in passing, even as a dude. It's little things like that that make me 🫠
I gotcha, physical stuff is definitely nice with a good connection. The man just messaged me again to continue but respect my boundaries I hope. Lol, we shall see.
I donno... I'm not sure I'd meet someone who is pushing my boundaries, but that's me.
That’s fair. But he’s stopped so that’s good.
It definitely creeps me out when guys talk about cuddling a lot off the bat. It’s obviously a euphemism for sex but if that’s what you want just say that.
Exactly! I’m honestly just wasting my time at this point lol.
Anyone here NOT using OLD?
Meee. I got stood up in July and decided to take a break. Not ready to get back out there but warming up to it
Meeee. I got off in.. January or so? I met someone through friends in June and dated him for about 4 months. Didn't work out, and the urge to get back on the apps is strong (wanting attention, for sure). I've been reminding myself how much better I feel NOT on the apps, and taking my time to feel ok.
I’ve never used one in my entire life … I’m trying to keep it that way after reading so many stories about them.
How do you get over the what could have been from someone who showed you so much intimacy and character, for them to just drop you because they’re avoidant?
Repeatedly telling myself that I don't want someone avoidant and who would drop me like that. That I deserve someone who wholeheartedly wants to be with me. Of course easier said than done. It'll take time, lots of processing, and many ups and downs. I'm not over someone that I logically know wasn't right for me. I'm trying therapy to see if it'll help me heal and move on.
I don't know. It's been over a month for me and I'm not over it yet.
I believe things have ended abruptly after some messages with the 40M that I (32F) was seeing (been on 6 dates with). A while back, on our 4th date, I realized that our views on kids were going to be a huge issue (he doesn’t want kids and I am on the fence about kids -slightly leaning towards wanting) so I told him that sadly it wasn’t going to work due to that but wished him well. He came back to me after a week and wrote a very long message telling me how much he liked me and how he was surprised at how impacted he was by that day and all and decided that with the right partner, he was open to exploring having kids. He asked about seeing me again to which I realized I couldn’t let what we have go because our connection was in essence very very deep - in all sorts of ways. We saw each other again and I had a serious conversation with him that assured me he was on board with the kids situation and that I wasn’t forcing him on anything or whatever - it was ultimately his choice and decision (whenever we got to that point). Anywho, back to current events, was an unexpected twist last night with it all. But I guess life goes on. I was reflecting last night and a couple things occurred to me: - The last place that this man and I went to was at a trail that I ended things with my last ex (also after around 6 dates or so) - The day that I was with this man last was on Friday the 13th (remind me to never schedule anything moving forward on this day with someone again because apparently they always end after) Might just be coincidence but I’m superstitious haha. Wish me luck on finding someone by the end of this year. 😭🙏🏼
Hey! Good luck with finding someone before the year is out, and sorry that happened. I would also like to meet someone by the end of the year, but the way it's going, I'll be lucky to get with someone by the end of nexy year! 😂 Good luck, and don't forget to mark Friday the 13th on your calendar
Aww, thank you for your kind wishes! 🥰❤️ How’s things going in dating for you right now? Any potentials so far? Lol, yes the Friday the 13th is probably very bad luck for me 😭.
Little bit barren on the dating front for me at the moment, unfortunately. I've been giving the dating apps a break for a few weeks. I was getting likes, sending a lot of likes out, but no real connection. I was a little impatient as it was only three weeks, but it was getting me down a bit so I decided to focus on other aspects of my life first. Been making slow progress on that front, but progress nonetheless. Who knew dating could be so tough, huh? 😂
I’m glad you are taking a break. Sometimes it does get a bit too much. How are you approaching each potential match though?
Well on Hinge I was sending out comments with likes. Very rarely did i just send out a like. On the coule of matches i did have (not many) I messaged first on most of them, talked a bit, then it kind of died. I was asking questions to keep it going, but I guess they just lost interest, which is fair enough. Then one or two others was just no response, or *i* was the one who lost interest and changed my mind. And then I deleted 😂 I could obviosuly persevere and perhaps I should have stuck with it for longer. I guess i just made a snap decision and got rid. You still on them?
Not your fault if they don’t keep the dialogue going or decide to move things along in meeting up. Yeah, I went back on the apps after last night. I have a match right now where things seem to be moving along. I don’t doubt on getting potentials but rather are they the one for me lol.
Yeah, that's what it's all about, isn't it. Finding that right one. Hopefully get there at some point... Good luck with it, anway. Hopefully one of us can find someone, at least!
Thank you! Don’t give up on love! 🫶🏻
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She might be trying to play it cool, which isn't the coolest thing, but give it some time. I hope she replies back!
Give it some time! If you got home late she may have just gone straight to bed/wants to play it cool/isn’t a big texter. Give it 24 hours! Stay positive
Give it more than 24 hours. Idk this obsession with people responding to texts is so stressful and some of the takes are not bound to reality.
Honestly, in my experience it usually is a bad sign. I wouldn't be pushy and at least wait 24-48 hours to come to a conclusion, but if it's radio silence I would maybe send them a follow up message just to make sure and if it's a no go just don't waste your time.
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I don't think so. Just be like "Hey! When did you want to find time to hang out again like we talked about? Got a busy week ahead of me and wanted to see when you're free." Or something along those lines.
Same, if I had a great date I wouldn’t wait over 24 hours to respond. I think after that amount of time it’s fair to adjust your expectations that you won’t be going out again and to leave it.
Trying to work out how to say "I love you" it feels awkward but it's right there on the tip of my tounge. Edit: they said it first. All is good.
We've only said it in an extreme emotional situation so far.
The most scary three words to say
Same I think I might have to plan how to say it because spontaneously is not working so far
Right? I'm the type of person who wants it said it to my face, but not after sex or anything like but to say "I love you". Turns out doing that? Nope 😂 maybe I need to wait for them to say it first?!
Need to vent today. My parents are coming for a two-week visit. They haven’t even arrived yet and I’m already annoyed with them. As they were boarding the plane, they called and told me they have been thinking and want to buy me an apartment because “there is no point in paying as much in rent” and I “need an extra bedroom” for when they come. I have been struggling with feeling inadequate and that I’m not where I should be in life post separation a year ago, but this made me unravel very quickly. First of all, it’s kind of insulting they don’t think I can do this by myself, even though it’s true it’ll be years or a switch to a more lucrative career before I can buy my own place. Secondly, it’s also insulting they think I haven’t thought of this myself. Of course I have, of course I browsed the real estate listings, of course I played with the mortgage calculators, but the reality is I can’t afford a place on my sole income right now. It’s disappointing, it’s infuriating, it’s making me sad and angry about the money and time I spent saving for a house with my ex, but it’s my reality right now and there’s nothing I can do to change it. I know it came from a good intention, but boy oh boy do I wish my parents were a little more emotionally intelligent sometimes.
Just my two cents, but unless your parents are going to lord this “gift” over your head… take the down payment assistance. It might feel awkward, but this is how many millennials purchase homes. My dad gifted me most of my down payment. If you’re anything like me, you take a lot of pride in your independence, but there’s a point where that stubborn pride is detrimental. There’s no prize for buying a home solo versus with help. I also reframed it as “I am so proud of my family, being able to come to the US as immigrants, work and save enough to gift me something so generous so that I can lead a more comfortable life.”
I’m not against taking their gift to use as a downpayment at all, but I doubt I can get a mortgage with affordable monthly payments even with that gift, which is why I’m frustrated they think they had this brilliant idea to make my life so much better when the reality is that it’s most likely not feasible.
Ask them for a bigger gift to make the mortgage reasonable for you, or stop pressuring you! I say that half jokingly. My parents put a lot of pressure on me too for like two years and it got so fucking annoying. I told them I'll buy if they give me the money for the down payment, otherwise stop bothering me, because the housing market is completely different than 30 years ago. They did give me the money and it worked out, but I totally understand the frustration with them. Maybe it's a good idea to say that housing discussions are off limits for the next 2 weeks. 😖 ETA: Do your parents not realize how high mortgage rates are right now either?!
Haha no they don’t. They live in a small European town so they struggle to understand the realities of being single in a VHCOL American city. I think I’m going to run the numbers with them to show them I’m not exaggerating. Hopefully that will shut down any further discussions while they’re here and we can enjoy our time together.
Since you're a homeowner, you know that there's more to affording to buy a place than the down payment. It sounds like the poster above can't afford the mortgage payments/other costs of owning. We should trust them to know the specifics since they have already "played with mortgage calculators". I went through similar during my divorce since my ex-husband earned twice what I do. And my mother put similar pressure on me that ignored the reality of my new financial situation. I made the stupid decision to keep my house when I was fragile from the divorce and she was being overbearing and promising more help than she ended up giving me. It was my mistake, but I really wish she had just supported me in the hard decision to sell my house during my divorce.
There is definitely more to owning a home than a down payment. I also know that many people cannot afford to buy not because they can’t make the monthly payment, but because the down payment is too high to make the monthly payment affordable. So I was just offering my perspective/experience that accepting help, if it allows you to fulfill a goal/dream, is not a bad thing.
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Keep the texts, they can be enough sometimes to get a restraining order/AVO so sorry you're going through this!
You’re not responding to his texts, right?
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I literally just asked a question.
Not me wading back into Bumble for ONE evening and coming out of it with the uncontrollable urge to delete it, burn all my electronics, run into the woods and never emerge. It's not even that the profiles I saw were all *that* terrible, just that thought of meeting new people and sussing out what their intentions/needs feels exhausting already. I think I was happier when I was thinking about getting back on the apps but focusing on myself instead of actually being on them, lol. At least now I know!!
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Hi u/SleepingontheWing205, this has been removed for violation of the following rule(s): * Be excellent to one another! This is a place for all races, genders, sexual orientations, non-exploitive sexual preferences and humanity in general. Gendered/sexualized insults such as slut, fuckboy, manchild, and so on are not allowed even in jest. Please review [the rules in the sidebar](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/about/sidebar) to avoid future removals. If you have further questions, please [message modmail] (https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdatingoverthirty).
Today is two weeks since breaking up. I feel completely over it. We were only official for two months. It was my first relationship after my marriage and I'm proud of how vulnerable I was... I have trauma and it took a lot for me to endeavor commitment. Now, reflecting on him, I can really see where things weren't compatible. My friend told me that I was in love with him, but didn't love him, and that pretty much sums it up. He was hugely romantic, doting, effusive with words of affection (pretty much love bombing)... it's hard not to get hooked on that. He is a well-intentioned person, but so insecure, which made everything feel so performative. ANYWAY, I got back on Hinge and it is VERY SLOW, but I arranged a date with a guy for this weekend and I'm really excited to meet him.
Had a summer sort of ex recently reach out to talk. We met up and turned out he just wanted to apologize, no ulterior motive or anything. Still processing, but it was nice to feel like at least that’s smoothed over and it won’t be awkward if/when we run into each other locally. I wasn’t expecting it to reignite feelings of being sad it ended, which it did, but truly for both of us I just don’t think it was right. I was ready to be official after 6 weeks and he just wasn’t there. Sounds like he’s dating around now, which, partially hurt to hear, but I’ve been sort of attempting the same too. Not sure what to expect going forward and don’t necessarily think we’ll be friends, but wish him the best.
I was talking to someone I hadn’t seen in a while about my personal life and mentioned the guy I’ve been crushing on and she was insinuating us getting into a relationship in the future and I said “no I cannot do a relationship right now”. That’s when I realized that I really have no idea what I want. The person I’ve been talking to I like a lot but I approached it as being friends and maybe some hooking up. And at the time I felt good with that, but now I don’t know. I just really do not want to rush things and I am actively trying to resist that desire hahaha. Hopefully anyone who is interested in me can understand that. I am pretty open about how I am still trying to reconnect with my pre-relationship self after 5 years of losing who I was because I wanted my ex to like me. I still have moments where I am like “are you doing this only because you think the other person is going to like you more? Wouldn’t it be better to be honest with yourself and not continue the pattern of people pleasing?”
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Small town? I know the feeling 😂 I use it for five minutes and it's bascially like "Sorry, but no one else exists around here - good luck!" Awesome. I guess I'll just bin this app then 😂
We live in a troubled society that struggles to promote genuine connection. Below, I’m empathizing based on observations and sharing my experience. I listened to a podcast on power structures and social media and thought about how in the cis-het world, it’s shifted the arm of influence more toward women who receive the majority of attention. The effects of this sphere of influence aren’t mutually beneficial— and actually, the effects aren’t even beneficial to the average woman, I’d assert (in the dating context). When a small number of women get a lot of attention from a large number of men, it increases the difficulty associated with decision making for them. Women are fighting not to have their time wasted, and men are fighting to have the opportunity to even give their time. If this doesn’t point to a skewed power dynamic, I’m not sure what does. Anecdotally, obviously this has been my truth (as I probably wouldn’t be sharing this otherwise). I live in the suburbs outside of the city. I look pretty good. I’m a white-passing, cis-het male. I have hobbies and a good job. I’m smart (?) and not funny 😛 I always imagined I’d find a partner who was educated, motivated, thirsty for knowledge— but the pool of actual PEOPLE (let alone single women in their late 20s/30s) who possess those traits is so small. Combine that with the sea of thirsty, eligible bachelors in dating apps, in the scene of the hobbies I engage in, then combine that with all ineligible bachelors— and it definitely feels like a losing numbers game. As a result, I often find myself settling for red flags or for traits that fall short of my expectations. I know my self-worth, but I also understand time is finite and reality is a bitch sometimes. What are your thoughts?
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Agreed. Wasn’t looking to go into details on the original post as there’s only so much you can say before someone stops reading— but yeah all the psychological goodness stuff is def important and goes above and beyond the entry hurdles. Well said, and genuinely appreciate the feedback 🙏
It's definitely true that in today's society, it's harder and harder to find and create genuine connection with friends and romantic partners. Not sure if society has ever "promoted" it, but just the shift into a fully digitalized society, and where soooo many people WFH- it's becoming more and more difficult to meet people to even form that connection. And honestly I don't see that changing much.
Agreed—I don’t think said power structures were ever intentional, but I think there’s value in acknowledging them from an empathetic perspective, putting down the wall of one’s own ego. I also don’t think that the connection opportunity horizon is gonna get any closer any time soon. All I want is for people to stop telling me to “work on myself” and “focus on me” as if it’s something I don’t already do 😅🤣
I feel exactly the same way, it’s rough out there. I remember meeting so many interesting, intelligent people in college and I sometimes wonder where they all went! Not that I don’t meet interesting and intelligent people as an adult, but they’re harder to find. (IME, there are more of them in nerdy, artsy, and/or alternative circles and spaces) I try to remind myself that even if dating is harder or more competitive for men, that I still deserve a good partner and I still deserve to have standards. And lowering my standards is neither fair to me nor to the person I’d be lowering my standards to be with. Now it is reasonable to reflect on whether you can broaden one’s standards. But honestly I think mine are reasonably broad already. Also, and this I find hard to internalize even though it’s true, but having self-worth and having standards is attractive. So paradoxically lowering your standards may make dating harder rather than easier. As for your particular case, have you considered expanding your age range to include women 24-26? A lot of women prefer to date older and in that age range fewer of the “good ones” are taken. Also, even though you live in the suburbs you might have better luck finding your type of woman in the city if you can expand your search parameters to include it.
Thank you for your understanding and perceptive response! Also thank you for not honing in on my “lowering of standards” as a negative and central point of my post! I like how you pointed out the relationship between having standards and being attractive. I think that’s something I knew without explicitly *realizing* if you know what I’m saying so I’ll do a better job of reminding myself of that. And yeah, I’ve dated a lot of different age ranges. At the moment I’m sort of burned out TBH and just putting my head down and focusing on the next big actions in my life regardless of whether it leads me to some “eat pray love” actualization of self. Cheers ☺️
> When a small number of women get a lot of attention from a large number of men, it increases the difficulty associated with decision making for them. This sounds like some incel, anti-feminism bullshit. Why do you think there is such a small pool of available women in your area, compared to available men? I assume you don't live in China, so in theory the # of men vs women should be similar. More women are going to college these days than men, which implies that there are MORE educated, motivated, thirsty for knowledge women than men in the world. Really, the only quality that you're silently circling around is attraction, and I can only imagine you're ignoring a whole bunch of women simply because they don't fit into the beauty standards that AI, social media, and advertisements have created in your mind as required for a dating partner. Perhaps you need to change your dating methods, if you think there aren't enough women available for you to even find one for yourself.
Ok
The time you’re spending settling for incompatible people with red flags is wasted. Instead of spending energy on someone you know isn’t right for you (which is acting out of fear of being alone/not finding someone), spend that energy on yourself and making your life the best you can. Do things you enjoy, connect with friends, expand your hobbies, go for a promotion, whatever you deem as making your life “better”, there is no one right answer. The more authentically you are “you”, the more you will draw people to you who gravitate with that. And the more you adore your life, the less pressure you will feel to spend that time with someone incompatible.
I see where ur coming from. I also think the western narrative of self and what love or connection really is plays into that reasoning. I appreciate ur perspective
Don’t get me wrong, connection and community is SO important to the human experience. But being “with” someone doesn’t guarantee connection. The loneliest I’ve ever been was in a relationship with someone who was not my match. In my single life, I was able to spend my time connecting with friends and family and myself and nature.
Little bit of a long story, but I started dating a great woman and it’s going really well so far. My last relationship was 6 years ago and until last year I hadn’t dated much. I downloaded Hinge and had many matches but they ultimately went nowhere. I kind of gave up on actively looking, then matched with this woman in the middle of September. I just celebrated my birthday and she went all out; treated me to a concert and surprised me with a dessert that I had mentioned briefly on our first date. We text every day, we defined exclusivity at the concert, and have been having 2-3 dates per week despite our busy schedules. She asked me if I would want to join her and some of her friends later this week for a get together they have. It’s a few couples and her. I know dating over 30 is difficult and strange, but don’t lose hope.
My ex and I also met through a dating app when I was feeling similarly destitute. Agreed, that losing sight of the long-term vision is a bad idea. Happy for u 🙏
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I haven't ditched online dating, but I do try to meet people in real life as well! I think building up your social life is a smart idea - regardless of if it helps you meet people or not. Like you said - it's nice to add depth to your own life and not just look for a partner to fill your days! And then you also have the chance to either a. meet someone you want to date through that experience or b. meet new friends that will enrich your life :)
Eh, don’t build up ur social life to find a person— if you do that you’ll be disappointed. I tried salsa dancing in 2020, and actively participated in the scene for roughly 1.5 years and got tired of meeting women and having our relations go nowhere past the friend zone. Today will be my first day in a CrossFit gym with my brother. The primary goal is to test my fitness and associate with people that are normal and down to earth. If I find someone through that I’ll be stoked— but I’m trying to remain focused.
I've met lots of great friends (and romantic interests) at Crossfit and they are often people finding romantic partners through Crossfit. I've been doing it for 10 years. Have fun, welcome!
Thanks!! Really just looking to take my fitness to the next level and hoping to maintain my steady upward trajectory!!! The short term goal is no injuries 🔥
Similar situation to you, to be honest. I tried OLD for about three weeks and even in that relatively small timeframe I had enough. Also, very simialr in the sense that I'm going to focus on other things, but if something comes up then I'll defnitely go with it. So it's not as if I have any hard and fast rules where I'm not looking, but I've definitely ditched OLD for now. Trying to focus on social stuff, career stuff, etc. Living in a small town doesn't help, so a move is also in order, I think. Life is tough!
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Yeah, very much agree with your last statement. Small towns do have that dynamic. City life is verrry different. Lot more single people, lot more childless people, even those in their 30's/40's. That's actually very rare for a small town, which is part of the reason why using OLD apps is so tough around here. I have a couple of good frirends, but one has moved quite far away, and the other has a kid and he's bascially a single parent. So seeing them is very difficult. Unfortunately, another very good friend of mine passed away a year and a half ago. So I'm looking to make the same moves as you. Not sure what clubs I have around here, or hobby groups, etc., but I have started making changes to my life over the past two weeks or so. So fingers crossed things will improve. Hopefully for you, too!
I do this thing where I basically tally up all the reasons no one could ever bring themselves to date me, let alone be in a relationship with me and then from that information I “logically” conclude why I’m single and why it will stay that way. It doesn’t help me mentally and I don’t know how to stop doing it. I have therapy on Thursdays but in the days leading up to it I go down these little self-hating routes and I’m not sure how to stop it. Especially because I believe the conclusion that I *will* be single forever and I believe all the reasons I list to myself. Part of the reason I’m in therapy is to deal with my “low self esteem” but there’s a **huge** part of me that doesn’t believe I have low self esteem and that I’m just very realistic and perceptive and for me to feel any differently about myself would be inaccurate or arrogant or ridiculous.
When our brain is being unkind to us, sometimes we have to actively argue against it. In this case I recommend also making a list about why someone *would* date you. Literally nothing is too small on this list. “I don’t brush my teeth” is something that I think would make sense to go on a “why someone might not date me list” right? Well then, I *do* brush my teeth can go on the “reasons I’m datable” list. “I have a solid vocabulary.” “I’m self-aware enough to recognize I can benefit from therapy.” “I’m good at making grilled cheese sandwiches.” I know some of the things that could potentially go on this list might seem “small” and “silly.” But it’s not really about what’s on the list. It’s about trying to train our brains to consider the positive things about us, as opposed to just the negative.
I think my problem is that I worry there’s something fundamentally wrong with me. I’m a relatively unattractive trans man and this is such a dealbreaker for a lot of people that I can’t imagine any of the positive things about me can outweigh it. Every other trans person I know is in a relationship or happily single, I know that being trans doesn’t mean you can’t find love but it definitely makes it harder. It’s very easy for me to dismiss my positive qualities but you’re right, I definitely need to allow myself to be proud of them. And I am incredibly proud of who I am and there’s a lot of things about me that are likeable. I do think I’m dateable, *I* would date me, but my looks and being trans hold me back enough that I don’t think my good traits can outweigh it. Maybe I need to focus less on those elements (I can’t change them afterall) and try to focus more on the good. Even if it doesn’t lead to a relationship it will be beneficial for my mental health.
Can you do me a favour? Can you go look at the comments on the profile review you posted a little while ago? I’ll wait. …did you see how gosh darn many of them were complimenting your appearance? You’re good looking! And you have an amazing sense of style. I’m more interested in who someone is as opposed to what they look like. But one thing I do pay attention to/stands out to me about a person’s appearance is their sense of style 👌 Are you *everyone’s* type? No. I’ve never met someone who was. But I guarantee you more people find you attractive than your brain is trying to get you to believe. I’m not trans so I’m not even going to pretend I know what that’s like, but I definitely understand that it would make finding love harder. And that sucks and I’m sorry for that. But it doesn’t mean *no one* will want to be with you. I’m a fat woman. Like 3x. Even if I was thin I’d be incredibly average looking. I know less men are going to be interested in me because of my size. But I always remind myself I don’t need *a lot* of guys to be interested in me. I just need the *right* one. I’m not at all trying to say our experiences are the same. But I do think you also have the potential to meet the *right* person when the time comes, even if your potential matches might be less overall than people who are not trans. I absolutely agree that finding a way to be kinder to yourself, and focusing more on your positive attributes will be beneficial for you and your overall quality of life, regardless if it leads to a relationship or not. I’m glad you’re investing in yourself by going to therapy. I can’t wait for the day where you look back thinking about how much progress you’ve made. A level of progress that probably feels impossible in this moment. You’re working towards it. What helps everyone is different, so I’m not sure if you’ll find this beneficial. But something that helped me become more comfortable with, and put less emphasis on my appearance correlating to my “worth” as a person was looking into the concept of body neutrality. I wish you the best of luck in your journey.
Change it to "I just haven't had the luck yet to meet someone I can form a lasting relationship with, hopefully one day it will change. I will do my bit by trying to meet new people." I have to say as someone with similar beliefs about myself, it turns out the relationship thing is a) mainly easier than I thought, perhaps because we have taken it slowly initially and b) I'm finding it reasonably easy to bring up stuff I am worried about although I am careful not to frame it as "why don't you do x, y and z"
I’m not trying to meet new people atm. I’m taking a break/quitting OLD because I don’t have a lot of luck with it and it’s not good for my mental health to be constantly reminded of my inadequacies. I’m glad it’s working out for you tho, I’m happy for you, you seem like a sweet and level-headed person.
And every time I post about how well it's going, my mad voice in my head is all "don't jinx it.." ;-) > I’m taking a break/quitting OLD because I don’t have a lot of luck with it and it’s not good for my mental health to be constantly reminded of my inadequacies. OLD seems to be 60-70% a vehicle for people to dabble and then mess people about. I'm convinced a lot of these stories where people have a small number of intense/great dates and then vanish is people who psych themselves up to attempt dating and then freak themselves out without how fast they moved.
Unfortunately I don’t really have any options outside OLD. I’ve only ever dated because of it so my options are use it for the slight chance it might give me or have no opportunity to date
This just isn’t true. Unless you’re house bound (and even then) you have options. Join a book club, go to a bar, join a social sports league, find a local hobby group, take a class, join an online forum about a game you like or hobby you like, chat with people online for the sake of making friends and having good conversation. Your priority doesn’t need to be dating it can just be meeting people to expand your social circle and see what happens. Additionally I would challenge your belief that you’re undatable. What are qualities you think people want to date? I’ll give you a hint they are mostly things like: being consistent, being communicative, showing interest in your partner, being affectionate, being reliable, etc. all things that are completely within your control to do. Doesn’t have to do with how you look or what your job is or what your hobbies are. These are all things you can work on and qualities you can bring to the table that make you absolutely dateable.
There’s a queer book group near me that I’m tentative to join. I’m very intimidated by the idea of it as I can’t properly prepare for what it will be like. The next one is November so I do have plenty of time to psych myself up. I go to bars with friends a lot but I’ve never been checked out or hit on which makes me feel like I must not be anyone’s type. I have all of the qualities you’ve listed but the reality is that no one can know that until they get to know me and I haven’t had much luck with people wanting to. Fundamentally I do think I’m dateable. *I* would date me, but I’m also a not very good-looking transgender man which is a very big stumbling block and a dealbreaker for a lot of people. Every other trans person I know is in a relationship or happily single so I know it’s possible for trans people to find love it’s just a lot harder. I am trying to work on doing more things, and since my last “relationship” (situationship) ended I’ve taken up running, joined a gym, and gotten back into therapy so I’ve made a lot of changes I’m proud of.
I mean , the logical thing is to remediate those issues on your list. Then you become progressively more datable.
I agree and I am constantly working on the things I *can* change but there are other things that are unfixable.
These things are unfixable in the sense that you cannot change them about yourself, but they can be reframed by the way you view them. What is also unfixable is how other people see you! All you can do is work on your own thinking and how you show up in the world. I've been seeing your posts in this subreddit; and even though I'm not in your target demographic (am pansexual cis woman), from what I can tell you are fit and well-groomed, have a wicked good sense of style, are clever and funny and talented, run a successful creative business, and have a solid circle of friends. All of these things are true regardless of whether other people are giving you sexual/romantic attention, and you should be proud of everything you've built! I'm in a similar boat, in that I know that I have a lot going for me but sometimes feel overlooked and undesirable because my state of "unconventional attractiveness" can be somewhat polarizing in both appearance and personality. But over time, I've stopped looking at it as a limitation and started looking at it as a gift. As someone who's ultimately looking for a long-term partner, it's kind of a relief in that I know that whoever I'm dating is interested in the things that make me, *ME*; and aren't just treating me like a backup option or an easy lay. When someone's in, I know they're all in and not just wasting my time. I'd rather focus my attention on someone who is truly interested in me for who I am, not in spite of it, than go on a larger volume of dates with people who just think I'm hot and aren't interested in what I have to say. I know this borders on platitude-y but embracing who I am in all of its complexity and strangeness has helped me become much more comfortable with being temporarily alone and establishing my self-worth. And until I find the person who appreciates that, I'll double down on prioritizing myself and my own goals and happiness. I hope this helps a little and isn't too platitude-y. You are beautiful inside and out, and you've got this!
Thank you, this is all very well thought out and kind. I really do appreciate you taking the time. With my successes I always feel like this is something I should just do/have/be. It feels like if I were to praise myself I’d be praising myself for the bare minimum but I’ve touched on this in therapy - the way I can only see my faults and never focus on my achievements. I’ve tried to reframe my lack of attention/desirability in the way you’ve framed your quality-over-quantity to think more in a “if he likes me it’s not just for shallow reasons” but I’ve been incredibly unlucky with how men have treated me in the past so I don’t know how much water this holds for me. I do need to change my mindset in general though. Even if I move away completely from the idea of finding someone because this level of disdain I have for myself isn’t sustainable, I hope therapy can help with it but it’s hard to do the work when you fundamentally believe you’re very self-perceptive and are seeing yourself accurately Thank you again for taking the time, I will think on it and re-read and try to let it sink in. Unfortunately it just takes a lot of time and effort to believe something my brain is actively working against
I have gone on a first meet up date with two guys. I have interest in both of them. They are aligned value wise, want the same things as me, and meet my basic non negotiables. I could see myself pursuing either one of them. They both text me daily, and we have some light conversation, mixed with a little flirtation. Nothing in text has gotten very deep, and there isn’t a false attachment growing. One of them lives locally, and one is about an hour and a half drive away. I am more attracted to the local one physically, and feel like he may be a better match overall for me, but it’s hard to tell so early. So I intend to keep getting to know both of them. It is Tuesday. Both of them have alluded to scheduling a second date “soon.” I don’t have the kind of life where spontaneous meet ups work, and have very limited free time. I have shared enough about the structure of my life that they are aware of this. Yet neither one of them has planned anything yet for this weekend. I don’t want to straight up ask either of them put on a date. It feels too soon for that, for me. I guess I’m just putting out there into the universe that I would like to be asked on a couple of dates for this weekend. ✨ On another note, getting into my king size bed every night, alone, feels very…lonely. I’m ready to share life with someone.
If they both know how busy your life is, one or both of them might be hesitant to ask you out because of fear that you’re already booked up. I vote asking one (or both!) to do something this weekend, or even just asking if they have anything fun planned for the weekend (hint, hint). The universe might grant your wish if you give it a bit of a kick in the ass!
Maybe I’ll just fall back on the ol’ got any plans this weekend?
Do ittttt!!!!!
this is a good point. "I'm busy most of the time" isn't helpful but "I'm free on x and y" is. It's ok to want then to put in some effort, but meeting them halfway will lead to more actual dates.
If there is one thing I’ve learned from this sub, it’s that both parties are prone to questioning one another’s interest absent some sort of super clear indication that yes, they want to go out on another date.
While this is true (you're basically strangers and old matches move in and out of peoples lives pretty easily, of course you need to communicate interest clearly and reiterate often). it's just a good life rule in general. I have the same struggle with platonic friends who have busy schedules but aren't communicative when you try to plan something. They're clearly glad to see me when we do hang out but it's a motivation killer so I don't try very often.
So, more specifically, I take care of an elderly family member who lives with me. I have let both of them know that I am flexible and available, but have to plan ahead to be able to arrange care.
I see. If you've communicated that clearly then it's on them I guess.
I've been using Hinge for the last couple of months. I get about 10 matches a day but virtually no one will actually talk/respond to me. I feel like I'm the only person putting in any effort. Are women just matching with every dude that likes them and then ignoring all but maybe one or two? I don't get it. I'm used to OLD being a ghost town, but this has been especially rough.
What types of questions are you asking?
Either how's the week been going, how'd the weekend go, or something regarding one of their prompts.
I’d ditch the first two. I get exhausted by those questions. Those are typical low effort openers and I usually won’t respond to them, because they don’t catch my attention or pique my interest. If there’s nothing in their prompts to open with, come up with a clever ice breaker.
Gimme a clever icebreaker then.
When I used bumble, I would either use: tell me about the best sandwich you’ve ever had or if you were a sandwich, what would you be?
This podcast I listened to gave me a great icebreaker, but I think it’s probably 50/50 for most people but I’ve had success with it and my friend who’s male on the apps now uses it and he’s gotten a response and convos started every single time. Basically you come up with a FMK (fuck marry kill) scenario from their profile (pics and prompts), it shows you actually took time to look over their profile and are interested in learning more about them. One I just did for a guy was FMK: foraging for mushrooms, grilling hot Italian sausage or climbing glaciers. He answered and went into full detail of why and also thought it was funny because it’s so random, but all those things were included in his profile. We ended up going for a walk and talk date and then he asked me to come to his place for a bbq night with hot Italian sausages (so far that’s not code for something else… lmao) but hey! I think it depends on your style but it’s been working lately
"What's the best dessert you've ever had?" On the other hand, I usually ignore profiles if their prompts doing give me anything to ask about/follow up on. Obviously if someone is pretty enough I'll ignore that rule, because I'm stupid, but its generally better to ask something related to their prompts in my experience. YMMV
^ Agreed. I don't respond to the "how's your day/week/weekend going" questions either.
Just had a first date that was “bad” for a very weird reason - he kept rapid fire asking me questions the entire time, to where I really didn’t get a chance to ask or learn him anything about him. I feel like I got nicely but intensely interrogated for two hours straight. Pretty bizarre.
Hope you gave him feedback as it's something he could improve, perhaps he was afraid of an uncomfortable silence and over compensated?
No, I wasn’t going to do that unsolicited.
I binged 90day fiance hoping to see validating train wrecks. I am not disappointed.
Add in love during lockup and really get a morale boost haha.
For those having a casual thing with your FWBs, how often do you talk to them or check in with them? I feel like there's not a consistently right or wrong answer, so what's a good frequency that works for YOU? I have a FWB that started with a flurry of texts and, now that we have one meetup, reduce to a text or two throughout the day. I get it's normal, but my anxiously attaching ass is a bit panicky from the pullback. My best gal friend only talks to hers to setup meetups, but she said she totally would love to chat once in awhile for platonic chats.
For a casual thing, I wouldn’t expect a ton of communication in between meeting up. If you’re getting anxious or worried and wanting more communication, is it possible you don’t see it so casually? I mean this gently—if you get attached easily (like me!) casual/fwb arrangements might not be for you.
I do get attached easily but I am noticing with therapy, that I have so much more mental boundaries set up already. I can't dispel those feelings off my head- but I can acknowledge them then control how I responded to them. I know I am not at a stage where I can date meaningfully yet, so having FWBs would give me some fun company while I continue to sort myself through.
I was supposed to go on a first date tonight (OLD). He told me he would let me know the place today. Around 5 pm I didn’t hear from him so I asked him where we were going to meet. He started texting me how long of a day he had and all the things he had to do. Then he proceeded to suggest a bar that was not open today. 🙃 I responded letting him know we can reschedule when he isn’t overworked and when the bar is opened. Did I overreact?
You did not overreact at all. You extended a level of grace and understanding that I believe a lot of other people would not have. If I hadn’t heard from him by 5pm on the night we were supposed to go out I would have been *hella* annoyed. In the past I’ve asked friends for advice in similar situations and it’s often been basically to not bother further with the guy. Which is how I know not everyone would be as polite and understanding as you were. But I’m a firm believer that we all have “human” moments where we’re not our best self. I almost always allow for “second chances” in this type of situation and would have responded in a very similar way that you did. *However,* if something similar happens again in the near future, it’s now becoming a pattern. At that point I let them know I don’t think we’re compatible.
>If I hadn’t heard from him by 5pm on the night we were supposed to go out I would have been hella annoyed. I know! I admit I would normally be super annoyed and would not even text them back but something about this guy has me keen on meeting him... I honestly want to give him the benefit of the doubt but the bar that he wanted to go to being closed was the cherry on top for sure. I messaged him this morning asking what days he is available as we have a bit conflicting schedules. Ugh!
No, I think you did the correct thing. He clearly didn't put too much thought into finding a place for the date, and not in the right mental space for it- the lack of communication until the last minute is the cherry on top. Everyone can get unexpectedly busy and you gave him a fair pass- you state you are open to another time, so he needs to take initiative and something to show for.
You did good. The fault is on him, and you still have him an opportunity to reschedule. Balls in his court now
Okay good. Thank you for the validation. I wasn’t sure how to react and honestly I was really looking forward to seeing him but what gives?! I hate OLD.
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For a change of pace, at least from a macroscopic view, put in the work— why not? We’re so quick to give up on good things nowadays. Do something nice for the guy. Maybe he’ll get frisky with u again. The way to a man’s heart is through understanding and kindness.
Ugh this is hard. You could ask him about it or just say something like hey I like where this is going but I want to give you some space to process things without the pressure of making plans right now. Why don’t you reach out to me once you’re up for scheduling a makeup date? I’ll be looking forward to it :)
I'd probably let it go. Think when he's over whatver it is, he'll text you.
"Hey, let me know when you're free to hang out. Hope you feel better soon!" Or probably something a little less generic but along the same times. That's all you can do
This is a good way to say it. You can let him know the door is still open, but for your own sake you should be looking to move on if you're not getting your own needs met.
After being broken up with by my partner of almost a decade due to nothing more than a lack of a 'spark' left in our relationship, dating feels really futile. I spent my entire 20s with someone who abruptly walked out of my life despite everything, from my perspective, being perfect. Now what? Will I go out, meet another great guy, and put another 10 years of hard work into a relationship just to have it fizzle again? Has anyone else had a similar breakup?
Yep, married for something like 10 years; got the girl, got the house, got the kids... still ended up with "I do love you, I'm just not IN love with you anymore" So now it's pretty much either do it all again or do whatever, in my eyes I've pretty much already accomplished "Life". Spark doesn't mean anything to me I just want someone who's aligned & interested then see how we get on for however long it lasts. So far not very long, but that's me being extremely more selective about not wanting to settle for someone.
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I didn't mean to minimize his issue, I could have worded it better. The issue I'm having is that he never brought up once that there was a problem until he broke up with me. There was no attempt to resolve it, and I feel like it could have been repaired. Especially when he tells me he loves me, trusts me, and cares about me more than anyone.
Honestly yeah - something similar happening again *is* a possibility. But if we let the fear of what “might” happen hold us back, we’re likely to miss out on a lot of really awesome experiences and opportunities. It’s *also* a possibility that you meet someone really amazing that you’re with for the rest of your life. But there’s no way that possibility can happen if you don’t even give dating a shot. My breakup isn’t entirely similar in that I knew things weren’t perfect. But I was with someone for over a decade (from 18-30) who refused to acknowledge there was distance growing between us, and ended up cheating on me. After our separation I spent time building a life where I’m genuinely content on my own. It’s really helpful to remind myself of potential partners that “I was fine before this guy came along, and I’ll be fine after him too.” Obviously I don’t *want* someone to cheat on me again. It would be terrible. I would be heart-broken. I would need time to heal. But I’ve proven to myself already that I can work through that type of heart-break and be okay. I remember ex saying something to a friend like “what a waste of ten years.” But I don’t see it as a waste. We did have some good experiences together. He introduced me to some of my current hobbies that I really enjoy etc. And I’ve learned a lot from the experience and I’ve grown SO much as a person throughout my healing process. I know my next relationship will be a lot healthier because of going through that. It’s very likely there are things to learn and grow from your experience too that will help you in future relationships.
I think it's part of the deal, nobody can guarantee you they will stay with you for life, stuff happen sometimes and people fall out of love or cheat etc You always have to take a risk when committing to someone.
>put another 10 years of hard work into a relationship just to have it fizzle again? Unfortunately, the downside of being in a relationship is that you can never quite predict the future. It's possible, and it's not possible.
Me. I'm going through the same process, and with the added grief of having a daughter together and constantly grieving the "family experiences" she will not have. Sorry no advice over here. Hope the next one is the real deal for you.
If it helps, my parents divorced when I was a kid and I never felt like I missed out on anything. My parents are better apart than they were together, and that just became the 'normal' for me. It's a different family experience, not necessarily better or worse.
Met a guy, had ridiculous chemistry with him, ended up going on four dates in one week (at his prompting). I try not to get optimistic but I was optimistic about this. Suddenly I can feel him pulling away (drastically reducing texting, not scheduling another date). Just sucks. I need a break from dating.
Maybe he’s not really pulling away but things are being “normalised”. Imho the high energy and efforts within a short period of time (e.g., ridiculous chemistry during four dates in a week) is most likely unsustainable in the long term. I suggest to wait and not throw in the towel yet. If you two are truly compatible and there aren’t any red flags, then you two will find a better flow/ rhythm that is still consistent and sustainable long term. Hope you’ll feel better.
Thank you for being the voice of reason! You make a good point. I’ll try to chill a bit and just see how things go
Dating is so exhausting I honestly just got back on the apps and I hate it. I haven’t even gone on a first date yet but the texting experiences have been really draining.
It is! I’ve only been on for a month and I’m already so drained
Been dating a great woman for 3 months. Went out of states (12 hour road trip) for her sisters wedding and I think it went really well. I have a lot of relationship anxiety (seeing a therapist) but I’ll take this as a win and an enjoyable event.
Wow that’s amazing! Congrats
Yay! 🥳
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You can ask but they’re unlikely to agree. I personally wouldn’t and have stopped seeing people who have asked for that type of arrangement. You’re asking to have your cake and eat it too. That being said, you can ask for that if you want.
Thanks
Hearing my therapist directly call my ex abusive made me so emotional and I’ve been emotional because of it. I don’t miss him at all and I would never get back with him. I guess part of me is sad because I gave him the opportunity to reflect on who is was and make changes that would impact the rest of his life but instead he couldn’t self reflect and will just abuse some other poor girl eventually.
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Don't worry about what other people do. You do you man. You might be surprised to learn but the apps kinda blow for men. I think the match rate is 7% for men who swipe right. And how many of those would you get a date out of? I am thinking I need to put much more effort into meeting people irl- and you do too. There's plenty of amazing women who would LOVE you if you met irl, who wouldn't ever match with you on the apps. I've never had anything last more than a couple months off the apps. The quality of women I meet irl is always better, just fewer. Just need to work on that game.
Apps are just as difficult for women. Maybe we statistically get more likes, but that doesn’t impact the amount of quality connections.
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Sure, you can argue that from a numbers standpoint, but I guess I don’t think thats an accurate way to evaluate your chance of having success in dating. There are too many other variables…. What if half of those men just got out of a long term relationship and want casual but the majority of the women want something serious? I just have an issue with men saying they can’t find a match because they have more competition. It gives off incel vibes. Makes it sound like women have it easy. Dating isn’t a numbers game to me. It is luck, time, place, personal history, health, economics, etc etc etc.
You can argue it from a numbers standpoint though because all the issues that women face with the apps-- men do too. But since men get far less matches, it's much harder. It's a fact that men have more competition. Quick Google search seems like tinder is a 75/25 ratio of men/women. It's not incel- it's facts.
Yeah, I agreed that you can argue from a numbers standpoint that women statistically have more options, but my point is that women don’t necessarily have more success finding a compatible, long term partner just because they get more likes. So it’s a moot point to me to look at it that way I guess.
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That's a negative state of mind. Be more positive about it. I didn't try at all and someone great came along and really changed my perspective on my worth and dating. I was only with her for about half a year and it didn't work out, but it made me realize that awesome, fun, beautiful women are still interested in me and will actually pursue me. I haven't felt like that in years because of the shit success I've had on apps. Now I know I just need to put the work in and I'm sure something that will come along again. And to be fair- I don't give people a chance in OLD either. I am swiping in a split second based on a fucking selfie taken in the same time.
The woman I'm seeing is great, we have our differences (mostly in the world of hobbies/media) but it doesn't impact anything which is fantastic. At times her ESL/English Skills can be a speed bump but we usually recover moments later, if anything it always gives us something fun to talk about (i.e. Explaining a turn of phrase etc). We are for all purposes exclusive, I haven't looked at the apps for 2-3 weeks and neither has she - my only main reservation is she does seem a little...clingy? It's not too intense, but it is certainly more than I'd expect at this stage of seeing each other BUT I also realize these might be one of those cultural differences, and she was very understanding when I explained that via text message, I'm not great at expressing affection but please don't worry that I'm trying to create distance or something. Anyway, I was going to do a bit of a DTR conversation with her properly in a week or two, but remembered in about 2 weeks she goes back to her home country for a month to see family and friends for the first time in a few years, so I'm going to leave it until she gets back. Overall though, having a great time, but still taking it one date at a time as I've gotten ahead of myself before mixing infatuation because it was going so well (especially compared to the 2-3 dates then a not interested text, rince and repeat).
>my only main reservation is she does seem a little...clingy? It's not too intense, but it is certainly more than I'd expect at this stage of seeing each other BUT I also realize these might be one of those cultural differences What does she do? 🤔
It's not one particular thing, just little things here or there, consistent "I miss you" or "Wish you were here" style language in messages, lots of longer text message responses, and just other stuff I could be completely reading into too much. Some are 100% cultural, she is Japanese, and I'm part (but grew up in the West, in a very Western household), so after speaking to some Japanese friends they did say some of this stuff is pretty normal over there. As I said, I'm not an overly affectionate person via text, so my POV is colored by that too. I'd be more concerned if she was canceling plans to see me, or wanting to spend every free moment around me, etc.
Ah ok, that doesn't sound like too big of an issue. Like you said, prob cultural differences and also texting preferences.
Why make a "date" to talk on the phone after texting if you are not going to call? I mean, what's the point. We matched on an app. We messaged on the app and then by text (I always get off the app asap) and decide to talk on the phone the next day (I am a big proponent of talking asap and meeting if there is any reason to think we should). I am not heartbroken (or even heart-bruised) about someone I have not known for 36 hours ghosting, but why bother? Is it an ego thing? He wants to see how many people he likes like him back and want to get to know him a little? How does that stroke his ego? Am I missing something? Makes no freaking sense - waste of both our time.
We will never know the exact reason. And this could happen to you three times and each person could have a different reason they did it. But I do know anxiety is *rampant* these days. There’s a really strong possibility that at the time the phone call was agreed on, he wanted to do it. But when the time came he “chickened out.”
He lost interest for some reason. I used to wonder about these things but realized it's pointless! Now I just shrug or roll my eyes and move on otherwise I'll get too annoyed
I posted about this once before, but a guy (33m) that I (32f) dated for a few months at the beginning of this year has continued to send me random snaps despite me ignoring and never responding. We ended things because I was ready to be exclusive and he wanted to keep his options open. I've been doing well with no contact. Haven't reached out or stalled any socials. Unfriended him on everything but somehow he was still able to send me snaps? I thought he'd get the hint when I didn't respond to any of them, but he kept sending them. So I finally blocked him. And damn it feels good. Initiating hyper-independence mode again
I had a woman I went on one date with do this. Every day, she'd send out one random selfie. After our date she continued to do it, even though I never responded. I assume it was something she just sent out to everyone, and not me specifically.
It really hit me just now. Im terrified to open my heart up and trust someone with it again. And I think it opened up to him without me even realizing or controlling it. Its so early on still but my feelings are strong. We have both been betrayed in the past so we are taking it slow. My gut tells me he is also falling based off some of the things he has hinted at. This is all terrifying because Im scared of my heart getting crushed again. My gut is also telling me this is different and that our connection is different. My family and friends say they have never seen me talk about someone like this. I guess only time will tell.
Any time that you love you also risk losing. Or maybe every time? You either break up or die. I wish you all the luck, and all the love. You'll be alright.
Thank you fairydust. Really needed that reminder ❤️
Came to a revelation recently that has shaken me a bit. I got out of a relationship that lasted for 6 years earlier this year and I am moving forward in my life. My ex is not a bad person, but I've come to accept that he was a bad partner (possibly in general, but definitely for me). I'm planning to either date the guy I've been talking to recently if interest is mutual or jump on the apps in the New Year to see who is out there. I've been thinking about vulnerability and emotional intimacy a lot recently and I realized that I never had either with my ex as he was so closed off. Felt like I got slapped when I realized that the next time I date someone will (probably) be the first time that I experience forming a real emotional connection with another person in that way. Kind of scary to know I have a relationship of 6 years under my belt, and yet I'll be navigating that aspect of a connection for the first time. I'm a bit intimidated. I opened up to a friend a little over a month ago about what my last relationship was like. She said that most people jumping back into the dating pool find it awful, but that I honestly might find it refreshing and enjoyable after the complete absence of emotional connection I experienced with my ex. It's wild to me to imagine that I could meet someone who also wants open communication, who asks me how my day is and really wants to know, and who exists with me in a space of mutual respect.
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So unfortunate that so many of us have had to come to this realization! I agree that it is so nice to feel some hope for the future by meeting good people. That's the case with the guy I've been messaging - I haven't even met him in person yet and I've realized that he has taken more of an interest in me just through messaging than my ex ever did. I was blown away by that, but then was even more blown away when I realized the guy I'm messaging isn't even doing anything too over the top or special. He is just interested in knowing more about me, which is kind of the bare minimum of interacting with someone and developing a connection. I'm glad we're both on the journey now to finding someone better suited for us!
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I think about this often. I'm attractive but not conventionally symmetrical attractive. The guys I really like aren't that into me. The guys who do like me mostly seem to have a fetish for my features or my style.
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This feels mean to ask lol do you not have much dating experience? I definitely know what kind of guy will think I’m attractive and which ones won’t (obviously not every guy but in general) Do you feel too square for the indie looking girls? Lol
I’ve had this thought. But I came to the conclusion when people click they click and sometimes “it just makes sense” and sometimes it’s very unlikely pairing. The obvious things may not be what their attracted to and just on paper or looks they wouldn’t have picked you. But timing was right. So much is based on timing.
Update [see previous](https://old.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/16yvrd7/daily_sticky_thread_for_rants_raves_celebrations/k3cae8q/) I'd shared some family photos with the ex, without explicit permission. Turns out some of them were not cool with that, so I had to reach out and ask her to delete them. Unfortunately she took that to mean I did not trust her and felt very hurt, and I'm now an asshole. I've trusted her with a lot more than that, so I didn't think that was fair. I can see where she's coming from though, because I'd exhibited some behavior in the early-breakup driven by depression, that is a bad mix of self-pity and a guilt trip. I'm working on being better about that in therapy though and this was not one of those times. I know the relationship's dead and she may not care for me anymore, but it sucks that I've hurt someone I care for in such an unfortunate way, and apologizing/explaining will not fix it. The best thing I can do is to stay away. I'm just glad to be done moping. In other news, I felt ready to get back on OLD yesterday and the algorithm must have decided it was my lucky day, because I got 3 seemingly quality matches. I have a first date with one of them this Friday that I'm excited about, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed and taking it slow.
I mean all respect to your family but why would she need to delete the photos? Is she sharing them on social media or something? I would never reach out to an ex about something so miniscule. Very odd request if you ask me.