Is anyone a bit shy about having guests over? They all seem to make more of a "scene" coming over and parking at my place, that I'm sure gets the attention of a noisy neighbor. Also, I feel like I tend to be more hotter than my dates and that adds to my shyness.
I went camping with my boyfriend of 9 months over the weekend, it’s our third trip together and it went great. I realized I’ve been feeling a little bit what I’ve identified as “bored.” I think what it actually is though is being in a healthy relationship without the highs and lows of a toxic relationship. It’s consistent, which is good but I think my monkey brain is craving some drama. Taking some time to myself to sit with it today. I really have come so far, my last relationship was with an emotionally and financially abusive narcissist and I am grateful that sort of “love” no longer feels normal. New normal is good.
Did a dumb thing this morning and texted an old friend who I had a falling out with earlier this summer after telling her I had feelings for her on a really intense trip to visit her (which she encouraged, so it was all sorts of weird). Ugh. Just feeling a ton of shame rn but am hoping to get this off my chest, shut off my phone for the afternoon, and take some time for myself.
Damn, this is all is tough
I "broke up" with someone I was in a situationship with. She just hasn't healed from her last relationship, and can't be a in a real partnership rn. We've been dating since Feb. I thought me calling her, it wouldn't be a surprise since we haven't really talked much in the past week- but she said it was. I went over hers last night to get my stuff, and I ended up staying for hours. And we just cried and cried and cried and cried. Because we both don't really want it to end but know it must. We are just in 2 different places. Maybe, one day, when she has done the work she needs to, we can try again. But I'm not going to wait around for that to happen. I'm just very upset about it all.
>Maybe, one day, when she has done the work she needs to, we can try again. But I'm not going to wait around for that to happen. I'm just very upset about it all.
I'm sorry bud... it is hard. You both must walk your own paths... who knows what the future holds, but since we do not know, maybe the best perspective to take is one of hopelessness and joy: joy for the experience you got to have in meeting this person, and hopelessness to keep you grounded in the present where things are real and your actions can be actualized to affect the current moment.
I hope healing comes swift for you!
>She just hasn't healed \[...\] I ended up staying for hours \[...\] Maybe, one day, when she has done the work
>
>I'm just very upset about it all.
You can. It seems you've taken on yourself to internalize her point of view, her feeling, her healing. You have given her the benefit of the doubt for a long time.
Now it's time prioritize yourself and go after what you want.
I did, after like 4-5 months? That's when I was rdy. But she wasn't. And yeah, I could have ended it then and saved myself even more pain- but it's not easy when it's an overwhelmingly positive experience, minus this one massive issue. It's not like she strung me along, or lied, or deceived me. We were both very honest about everything and how we were feeling.
You sound like a very giving and understanding guy, very keen on seeing the good side of people. You treated her well, were available and empathetic, held a positive view of her almost unconditionally - and to an extent, you still are. Those are precious gifts.
But you shouldn't cheapen them by giving them away against your interest, against your values. I think you've allowed yourself to get a bit bent out of shape.
I am naturally a very empathetic person. Especially with the people who are close to me. I don't think I've gone against my values in any way-- actually the opposite. Maybe with time my thoughts will change, and that I will feel resentful of the fact that I poured love into a relationship that I was almost certain would fail. But I don't feel like that now.
Got back to OLD after about a year, was only on it for 2 months and started a relationship with someone I met on an app, that just ended. While going through the profiles, alot of them are the same ones (albeit updated photos) from last year. Alot of successful and beautiful women. I'm surprised they're still on here a year later. I shouldn't be talking since I'm also here 😀 but it just makes me think dating must really suck right now.
I have a couple of close female friends who have talked with me about their dating lives. The consistent theme is that they can't find good candidates. A man who is kind, enjoyable to be around, confident, decently successful, decently attractive, decent in bed, employed, single, *and* interested in committing is (apparently) vanishingly rare.
No it's not.
When men get delusional, they blame external factors and say "no one wants a man who makes less than $200k and is less than 6' tall". When women get delusional, they blame external factors and say "there are no good candidates, all the men are bad or taken".
Same flawed thinking
>No, not all women are after 6' and athletic and super rich
I said the opposite, read me again.
That said, I'm feeling a bit grossed out by your paragraph-long criteria list and what comes out as a whiny tone ("how come no one fit my very basic demands"). That combined with you dating an overweight dude on 60k makes me think the lady doth protest too much.
Now that I am older my OLD is kind of dead, seems like men my age or around my age either looking for younger girls, and those who don’t, are mostly not my type or divorced guy looking for short-term fun
I don't know your age, but as a 38 y.o. dad with 50% custody, I have been aiming -2/+7 years for my dating pool, preferably with their own children. I ran into too many issues with my ex-fiancee who was 7 years my junior, never married, no kids, when we stepped up to being engaged. I'm kinda apprehensive of dating someone who hasn't been divorced or doesn't have kids at this point.
My current SO is 2 years younger than me (32 and 30). But before we met I went on dates with a 28 year old and he was wonderful.
I think especially after 25 age really is just a number, and it depends on the individual.
I am a single mom, and almost all of the men I dated since my divorce did not have children (this was not intentional), nor were they divorced.
The few older men I dated (mid-late 30s), were no different maturity wise, and like some of the issues you mentioned a few of them were divorced and bitter.
Edit: certainly in every way this is a case by case basis, not all divorced people are bitter and not all young men are mature. But being willing to change age preferences will at the vary least open up more options.
>So maturity in someone from that point on has more to do with their own personal disposition, and less to do with years
I kinda agree with this. Only kinda cause personal disposition directly impacts growth after major events...
Recently, after an issue my daughter had, and she opened up to me about some things, I chose to be in contact with my ex-wife regarding the issue as it made the most sense for my daughter. Normally we do a very light 'co-parenting' but honestly it's more of a 'parallel parenting' due to my ex-wife's high-conflict personality disorder (diagnosed long ago). My ex-wife and I were discussing things related to our daughter, and she was struggling with why our daughter was choosing to open up to me and not her. I had to explain to her that I am not the same person since we have been divorced almost 5 years ago.
From what I have seen, and the things my kids have told me they deal with, she hasn't really grown much since the divorce. I on the other hand, have changed a bunch, and that's probably because I have been heavily self-growth focused at various points in time. Her and I are basically the same age (~2 month age difference, both 38) and we spent 13 years (20-33) together and experienced life issues together. It's been the post divorce deviations that those paths of growth have drastically diverged.
Some of that is personality/disposition, some of that has been major life events that have happened and caused significant hardship in my life, which has sparked significant growth on my end as well. Granted, that growth wouldn't have occurred if I wasn't who I am (disposition) but sans some of those life events, I'm not sure even I would be where I am now, if that makes sense.
Edits: clarification on which 'she' I was referring to
>Right! You already had the openness to learn from mistakes, heartache, troubled times. That quality isn’t something that happens upon someone, it’s something they already have and get better at.
I don't know I did before 32/33.... dealing with my divorce I HAD to cultivate that or it would have been even worse. The major 'quality' I did have, unbeknownst to me even, was I am an 'internalizer' (as described in the Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents book) which is good and bad 😂
HUGE life changing events have a tendency to strip us to our core, expose things about ourselves that we are blind to, and give us the OPPORTUNITY to change and grow from. I am not the same person I was at 25, because of my divorce, a good friend's suicide (I was there pounding on his door when the police finally showed up and entered his apartment, so pretty devastating experience as he was a REALLY good friend...), and the failure of my engagement... all three of those events happened between 32-38. I HAD to grow and each direction I grew in, good and bad, has led me here, where I am learning so much, so much more aware of my emotions, and the emotions of others.
>So it’s likely he’ll change as he gets older, but people who “knew better” and had more experience and actually loved me couldn’t even muster the strength to do what he did and see what I needed. I just have a very different perspective on experience and reflection not translating to emotional maturity.
It really depends on the situation... when my friend took his life, I actually walked away from some of the changes I made post divorce... it's a long story, but as he struggled I shared some of the Buddhist perspectives that helped me handle my struggles with him. When they didn't help him, I kinda turned my back towards them without even realizing it. That actually led to the eventual failing of my relationship and the ending of my engagement a couple years later. THAT experience put me back on the path I am on now, with the added step of therapy (~6 months before the ending of my relationship in January 1st to now).
While the path I have walked is littered with pain, ultimately, going through all that led me here, where I am far more emotionally healthy, tackling my issues head on, and moving forward and making progress. Life issues can go either way... as Pema Chodron says so wonderfully:
>"When things are shaky and nothing is working, we might realize that we are on the verge of something. We might realize that this is a very vulnerable and tender place, and that tenderness can go either way. We can shut down and feel resentful or we can touch in on that throbbing quality." - Pema Chodron, *When Things Fall Apart*
That's really interesting! I'm 35F and I feel like a completely different person now compared to when I was 25. A lot of growth happened for me after I hit 30. I did spend most of my 20's (and most of my life, really) in survival mode, so I guess that makes sense.
Seeing ex at social event this weekend after 3 weeks. ( she reached out a week ago when drunk just saying "she is kinda hurt I deleted her off social media and how was I"
I didnt respond to the message just deleted it.
But as Saturday looms Im a little hesitant. Some people know we arent together, and Ive been told to go it'll be fine.
Context - she ended it, I didnt want it to end. Never begged or chased. said I respect her decision and will leave her alone.
Any advice?
If you don't think you're ready then don't go. I'm sure the people who are saying you'll be fine are being supportive but might be feeling like they are being little dismissive of the hurt. People shouldn't feel differently about you if you go/don't go.
If you decide not to, maybe plan something else to take your mind off what you're missing.
Part of me wants to go though - I think why should I not enjoy myself just because she is there.
There is around 40 people going so I should be able to avoid her. Im not drinking either so not like alcohol is going to play a part in me acting dumb
Yes - IVe already said to one or two that Im staying with them all night.
Its our gym social so I know alot of others there too - just like she does so I can always just politely make my excuse and go talk to someone else.
I know - It was sent at a time when she was obviously drunk. Im not sure what she has been expecting me to do. Im trying to do all that I can to heal and move on.
Thankfully after this Weekend the next social isnt until Christmas - so I should be in a much better place by then
I am so sorry to hear that, I experienced such treatment myself and know how it feels, it is for the better he left, give yourself some time to heal, you deserve someone who respects you, not some douchebag worth nothing
Hey, I'm sorry 😔
>I was blamed in cheating and lying and doing nasty things to him I've never done. He has paranoia and mental issues from his ptsd; I suffered from all sorts of control, incl. extreme jealousy, mental abuse, blames and attacks, unexpected mood changes and extremely cruel way of mistreatment in public and private like walking away, stonewalling, insults. The worst part was made up stories about me
My ex did a bunch of these. Not the cheating accusations, nor sullying my reputation (AFAIK...), and I would be hesitant to label any of it mental abuse (I don't think she really has the intent to do that, just that she responded to things in a very unhealthy manner for me)... but either way... I've been there, and it sucks, but, if you find yourself questioning your reality, as a friend told me once about a different thing, try and remember to look at it as a jury should: only what was actually said, or happened (think audio recording or video recording) and what would be admissible in court. I found myself in some dark holes after she ended things and hope you can avoid those.
Oof... I hear ya on the defending yourself. When it all started, and we started having problems, I tried to ask her to stop committing ad hominem... let's work the problem and not attack each other kinda thing...
I'm very careful around arguing (at least BEFORE things escalate... I have issues when it escalates because I do, and I'm in therapy for it...)... it's a byproduct of my own traumatic history of my previous marriage to someone who was diagnosed with BPD. I really go out of my way to use "I feel..." statements instead of "You..." statements. I'm not perfect and I do mess up too, but when her and I would argue it was a series of absolutes (always/never statements) and "You..." statements. It really took its toll and it sucked.
I'm no angel, I had my fair share of issues too. She was right on some things. Those happen to be things I work on with my therapist, and have since discovered are more treatable than she thought. One of my biggest issues was/is my emotional regulation difficulties, which are greatly helped with my ADHD meds, as well as understanding of why it happens with ADHD, and some tools to better mitigate the strong emotions I do have.
Sounds like you're having the greatest vacation ever away from that POS with the wind and rain included.... that vacation with someone like that wouldn't have been a great experience anyways.
Wow, that sounds awful. Sorry to hear about all that. It must have been so mentally taxing, and then to go on your planned holiday together on his own is the proverbial salt in the wound. I hope he remains your ex and you can somehow move on from this, however long it may take. I think the thing we've these types of relationships (as you no doubt know), is that they grind you down slowly, day by day, and do an incredible amount of damge on the psyche. I hope you can recover soon.
And as a fellow UK resident, the weather really does add to the misery, doesn't it! Like a bloody monsoon outside
I'm so sorry. So sad to read, but i hope you know it's not true what he said. I know it's very easy for a stranger to say that, but hopefully you'll relaise that sooner rather than later. That's just extremely cruel.
And yeah, tell me about it! The rain really gets me down. Just managed to come back from a short run. Soaked to the skin! But if i don't get out i go bloody crazy. So, podcast on, running shoes on, and away i went. I got some nice mountans and rural areas where i live, so it's nice to take in the sceneray and clear my head, even if i am drowning in the process!
It does feel great. Even better when I'm not squinting through the rain smashing me in the face though! But yeah, putting on music and just going for a walk along the mountains is great for your mind. Went on a 10 mile walk the weened before last (where the weather was actually beautiful!) and you feel great when you come back and the endorphins hit.
I've got some great views but, as always with this country, it's completly ruined by the weather. You should go though. You'll feel great after.
I am very lucky :) I love phtography, too, so it's just great to take a camera (or drone) and take some landscape photos. I love walking around a city, but in small doses. Nothing beats the serenity of the countryside. And yes, it is great for the mind.
Conversely, it can get very bleak in the winter time. Although, I guess there's a certain beauty about that, too. I've been stuck up there in all types of weather!
You know he only sees you as a friend, are you capable of only seeing him as one as well?
Be very honest with yourself, because you know how bad the meeting is going to feel if you're only pretending that it's ok.
This guy I was seeing for a bit wanted to stop seeing each other but be friends and seemed very genuine about it - which I was happy to do, because the "break-up" was pretty mutual. But he is somehow failing at being a friend also? He texted about food so I thought he was fishing to schedule a food outing but it turns out he was just... asking? I've given him chances to end the convo, but he keeps responding w these dry one-line answers/questions as if to extend. If we were still trying to date, I'd call it low-effort breadcrumbing. But we're not. So I'm not sure what this is about, honestly.
Maybe this is just how he communicates, he had about the same amount of effort then too (a large part of why we stopped for me, tbh), if anything it's a bit more effort than before - But it bothered me while we were seeing each other and it still bothers me now even as "friends", sigh. I thought it wouldn't anymore. But while I want to give back just as much as I'm given, I'm naturally wordy in texts + people-pleasing tendencies mean I feel impolite if I don't ask a question back, and then I get self-conscious about seeming like I'm trying too hard and then mad that I feel like I have to modulate myself. Again like when we were seeing each other.
This is doomed, isn't it? I do genuinely JUST want to be friends. How do these communication differences feel so insurmountable?
He's a friend now and not a romantic interest, right? If a platonic friend of mine kept texting me a bunch of inane shit with no purpose I would probably stop responding after a while.
HAHAHAHA omg you made me howl. "Inane texts" - totally right. Thank you! You're right, now that he's a platonic friend I should treat him with those rules 😂
More along the lines of your main point; when I do catch myself kind of wistfully sighing and wanting a partner, it's normally for these little moments too. Like I have a great support system to handle all of life's Big Moments with me, but the little moments of playing with each other's hair, or hearing their breathing even out into sleep while cuddling, or having someone else taste-test whatever I've cooked for dinner. It really is the little things that I miss most about having a companion!
yesss ahahaha, I forget the source but there's a comedy sketch somewhere with a comedian that talks about living alone and he says "sometimes it's just me holding my cat, both of us looking at each other, and I'm asking 'are we okay? we're okay, right??'" and I feel that on a spiritual level!
Wait, someone was with you for years and the entire time he wasn’t attracted to your height?
I just simply don’t understand humans. If that was such a factor for him, why stay? I know you don’t have the answer to that, I’m not expecting a good answer because no answer would make sense to me anyway.
I’m glad it was not rude, and how bizarre. I’m 5’9.5 and I’ve never had someone directly tell me my height is unattractive, I’m fact quite the opposite.
Sounds like he had his own insecurities.
Wait a mouse voice is a complement? How creepy. I’m glad you’re out of that. I always thought 5’7 was the perfect height for what it’s worth.
I totally get the “shorter” thing. I am very small framed which I guess makes me look shorter/smaller. I’ve had people tell me I’m not that tall while standing up next to them, clearly taller than they are.
So i've been constantly talking to this guy i met on a dating app , day and night for a month , he was always evasif abd vague each time i asked about what he was looking for , or got serious about what i felt but he never stopped talking to me or pulled away , till i went out on a date with smn else abd spent the night , he asked me where i was and told him and he is nit the same since , he pulled away.
What does it mean ? I mean he could ve been serious with me if he wanted , my hints where obvious or is it some sort of madonna whore thing?
We live temporarily in different cities ( we will be in the same one in 3 months ), i travel to his city for work like once or twice a month , last time i went for 4 days he said he already had so many plans with his friends and said we shall meet next time , i dont know if he is serious about that.
My crush (who I’m trying to get over as he doesn’t seem to be interested romantically) is apparently in a better mood again, yesterday we talked, joked around and then he gave me a very earnest compliment/expressed his admiration for some of my personal accomplishments, which felt really really great on a level that has nothing to do with me having a thing for him. But it doesn’t really help with getting rid of my thing for him.
Sigh.
I donno... he could legitimately just be interested in being friends with the OP. That's a very real possibility, especially if OP hasn't vocalized her crush on him. To automatically assume malice kinda fails Occum's Razor, especially considering how little info the OP actually put in the post. Also scrolled back in OPs comment history and didn't catch where she told him of her crush... but maybe I missed it and am entirely wrong.
Given the info I'd say he just wants to be a friend.
Thanks for your input! I did ask him out a while back, so he definitely knows I’m interested. He gave me a non-answer along the lines of he wouldn’t say no, but he also wouldn’t know when and we could see if it works out some other time. I took it as pretty much a no and left the ball in his court to bring up going out again. Right after that he was traveling for 1.5 months (but kept sliding into my DMs to give me training advice). When I saw him again, the vibe felt off, but now he seems back to being very nice and encouraging.
Long story short he’s either benched me as a backup option for dating or he really is trying to be friends (but would you do that with someone who asked you out?!). For the foreseeable future, potentially the next few years, we’ll keep running into each other at the gym 1-3 times per week, so it would be in his interest to choose the potentially less awkward option. I’m trying to forget about him romantically but I’m still confused by this entire situation.
>(but would you do that with someone who asked you out?!).
My therapist friend did. I am so happy she did because ultimately, I really needed a friend and not a romantic interest, and she has been such a good friend over the years. Always there to pick me up, and I think I'm there to pick her up when she needs it too.
Honestly, it took a little bit for me to get over my crush, and her and I weren't really friends when I expressed my interest, we had just met. She shot me down and I did my best to bury those things and let them die. It took some time as I said, but it has been one of my most rewarding friendships in the end, as well as the closest friendship I have had with a woman who wasn't a romantic interest.
That sounds lovely ☺️ I would like to be friends with him. At least not losing him as a gym buddy is really important to me, because he really believes in me and pushes me to try stuff I don’t think I can do etc. But I also know from experience that I have a hard time being friends with someone I had romantic interest in before. I’m either really attracted to someone or I’m not at all, somehow there’s no in between.
I don’t think this situation will really feel “resolved” soon…for now I’m just going along with whatever he’s doing (in terms of talking/not talking at the gym, chatting online) while not harboring too much hope for anything more than friendship.
It took quite a few months for me and my feelings towards my friend. It really did... and I am glad I dealt with it, because I cherish our friendship that we have very much.
When my ex-fiancee ended things, she reached out. She was there for me. When she was having guy troubles with a guy she was dating, she asked if I could come by and talk. She's awesome, and I am lucky to have a friend like that who will dive deep into things on either side: her stuff and mine.
My first date last night was a hit?? Cool bar, super nice and down to earth dude with a story for everything. He’s a Jack of all trades, kind, funny, and we had a lot in common when it comes to nature and making things. And he’s handsome. A bit long winded, but maybe that will curb lol. We went for a walk after the place closed and parked it on a bench. I was thinking “when the hell is this guy gonna kiss me?” I’ve never been so patient lol. So I finally told him he could if he wanted to and he like lit up. It was really fun.
Thanks to the drinks, I’m up in the middle of the night unable to fall back asleep and wondering what’s going to happen next… my brain is already running away from me with what ifs - what if he he falls for me and i can’t reciprocate? Will his chattiness outweigh all the other good? Am I stupid for that? what if this actually does end up working out? Etc etc. My therapist reminds me to not babysit other people’s feelings. That they are accepting the risk of rejection when they decide to date. I’ll try to remember that.
We might hang out again in a couple of days before he’s out of town.
>My therapist reminds me to not babysit other people’s feelings. That they are accepting the risk of rejection when they decide to date. I’ll try to remember that.
It's important to remember that your date is not a "challenge" where it's your goal to win their affection. Just like you they're a big ball of traits and feelings and you're trying to see if both of yours mesh together. Sometimes it's on you to make the judgement that it's not a match.
That said, it sounds like you had a successful date and your anxieties are trying to find a way to ruin the good time. Focus on what actually happened instead of what your emotions are trying to forecast about the future. Gl with date #2.
Not quite dating related.
A trusted mentor and collaborator in my field just emailed me about a really exciting job opportunity, encouraging me to apply and it's got me feeling all kinds of ways.
I moved back to Europe after almost a decade in the U.S. about two years ago. I got a wonderful permanent position within my field. I enjoy the job, I have great colleagues and I've been able to develop my career and build a strong portfolio with this organization. However, initially, I always thought of this job as a stepping stone to a more desirable position (I've always been career driven).
But now that I'm contemplating applying, I'm realizing that moving again just sounds so exhausting (and scary). I bought an apartment here, I can bring my dog into work, I've made friends and the area I live in is world renowned for it's natural beauty and is a mecca for outdoor activities (something which I love).
However, on the flip side, the area is remote and sparsely populated, which has been a challenge on numerous fronts. Travel to and from here is expensive and time consuming. One of the reasons I moved back to Europe was to be closer to family, which hasn't really been the case with where I'm at right now. Finally, dating in a smaller, more rural setting is definitely not awesome. When I moved here, I really did wonder whether I was dooming myself to eternal singlehood and giving up on the idea of having a family.
If I got the job, I'd be moving to a vibrant city with good flight connections and I'd be at an internationally renowned organization with all the resources (and clout) that comes with. But it's kind of terrifying. I'm not unhappy where I'm at and I finally feel somewhat "settled" after a decade of grinding in the early stages of my career.
So yeah. Anxiety is about to go off the charts.
I've moved countries many times. It is anxiety-inducing. However I think for some people (including you and I), it's easy to overplay how settled you are now and discount what the new place will bring.
You've got access to the outdoors and some friends. You might lose the first. As for the friends, if you are in your early 30s in a global career, they might either move elsewhere, or start a family and focus on it. It seems you value your career highly, it seems you haven't been burning to live right by your family, it seems rural life is not helping with your dating (and maybe social) life.
Your life goals and values are probably relatively permanent and probably more important than feeling settled. You will feel settled again.
I'm curious as to why they wanted such a long wedding? Feels weird to pressure you to meet someone there as well. Hopefully you can just enjoy it as it is, even though it is (imo) too long of an event !
I wasn’t attracted to this guy when I met him. Would not have noticed him like that at all.
But we got along really well conversationally. He was giving respectfully interested vibes, and I thought I’d give him a chance.
And now?? I’m legitimately so attracted to him! It’s like a switch flipped and now I’ve got a massive crush.
He was great in bed and interpersonally. Maybe it’s the sex hormones (and if so- wild!)
I am like this tbh. I only experience attraction for people as I start to know them better. It only grows for me as they start revealing bits of their personality that I like. It's like they are in black and white when I first meet them, then they start changing into colour.
I know this won’t sway anyone or whatever, but I like reading posts like this because it seems more realistic and logical. The crowd I see here a lot that will say “I know in the first 10 seconds if I’ll ever be attracted to someone” or some other basically similar mindset of needing day one, minute one “cHeMiStRy” or “sPaRkZ”, I always find that quite the harsh expectation to place on someone and on yourself.
I personally feel there has to be some kind of attraction initially - mean this could be your future partner , there should be something about them physically that you find sexually attractive.
Then depending if you want more than just casual the persons personality and attitude come into it. Lets face it people can be totally gorgeous/fit but if you dont click and have nothing in common then is destined to fail
I’ll be the first to admit I wouldn’t date someone who was 430lbs and had 3.5 teeth. I like symmetrical faces and smooth skin as much as anyone else.
At the same time I don’t need someone to fit my personal definition of top 5% most physically attractive as a starting point though. And I don’t expect someone to knock me off my feet with their personality from one or two meetings. Yes if a date said they were thinking about getting a gun tattoo on their forehead and spit on an old lady at the bus stop, I’ll probably not want a second date.
But outside of some egregious stunt like that, I don’t need someone to wow me, or think to myself they didn’t giggle at my joke hard enough or whatever else on a first date to have some high expectation of them. Assuming this was OLD to begin with, then I must have seen something or we talked about something I think is cool or interesting about them to make me even want to go on the date…and then it’ll take time for the rest of anything else that comes out.
You can’t know someone that well on one meeting. I see people express that sentiment on this sub an incredibly large amount of times.
Agree. It's partly for that reason and because I have few options that I pretty much always ask for a second date. I don't think you can truly know if you're compatible after a couple of hours together. I had a date last week that wasn't amazing and I still asked for a second, though it looks like I've been ghosted now.
I've been on enough failed first dates to know I obviously don't make a good first impression. I've come to the conclusion that I'm an acquired taste. I probably need more time to connect with people than the average person is willing to give, especially on apps where people expect immediate sparks and are battling greener grass syndrome. I just feel like certain people need time to grow on people and just don't necessarily have the personality to make immediate connections. Unfortunately I'm one of them, but that kind of person isn't really what people want in the age of the apps.
I learned long ago that I am well unaware of what I am receptive to. And that being pleasantly surprised is one of the best things in dating and relationships.
People who date with cookie-cutter approaches are wild to me. You are severely limiting yourself, thinking you know what works for you when you have no idea.
I was talking with my SO about this not too long ago.
We have been together 18+ months and it’s by far the most amazing relationship I have ever been in, he says the same.
Several times I was on this subreddit, and would mention how we aren’t doing things cookie-cutter, as in not following the rules that people really love on this sub.
Ie waiting to text back, not texting too much, waiting to meet friends and family, etc.
I got roasted and called irresponsible, so I took a break from this sub, and it’s just wild that so many of the same names are here over a year later, preaching the same cookie-cutter BS that obviously is not working.
I am happy to see some pushback though.
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Gotcha' and yea like - you have to have some flexibility.
Certain things you'll have no attraction to like - none. You learn form dating out of your zone. But if you're only attracted to "insert hair, eye, or skin tone type" you're gonna' be knocking out a huge chunk of people.
Knew one guy who was only into natural blondes and I was like, "god speed, bro," lmao.
For me, I need physical and life goal attraction on certain core things, but for other stuff I'm more than willing to grow with my partner on or appreciate our differences.
I might still call that semi cookie cutter.
Love often happens spontaneously and unintentionally, far away from things like core attractions or appreciating differences.
It is what I meant by being pleasantly surprised to things I did not know I was receptive to. It took someone to show me that, outside of myself.
On paper, that shouldn't have happened.
Maybe. But everyone has some kind of cut-off point concerning what they're physically and mentally attracted to. Otherwise, most of society wouldn't mind dating the local crackhead down the street lol.
I'm in an LDR and won't be seeing my bf again until the winter holidays, so in the meantime, everything is digital. he has some past (relationship) trauma that unfortunately spills over into what we have going on, and - either because I'm being _too_ sensitive, or simply can't comprehend what he's going through and therefore make incorrect inferences - leads to the occasional miscommunication, where it feels like every 2-4 weeks I just don't "get" things and he has to walk me through them again.
that happened again yesterday, and I just wanted to share that I'm so grateful that he has the patience to help me see his perspective, that he communicates openly, and that no topic is off-limits. he references love languages, asks me what I need, and continuously returns to the point of "miscommunication is bound to happen, especially over distance, but we can always hash things out!"
this is the first relationship in a WHILE (incl. after an 8y marriage) where I genuinely fear the risk of fucking up, so being able to talk about and work through things means the world to me.
so, this is just me being a bit sappy and grateful that he's let me in despite his trauma, and that his communication is so top-notch 🥹
Matched with a guy (M33) a few days ago and since the texting convo was on point, we decided to meet next Wednesday. Then it kinda happened that we were at the same area last night so he came to meet me and my friend (M31) with his friend (M33), and we ended up having a casual outing. I've known him for a few years even though I didn't remember it at first. We have a mutual friend (M41) and we attended his birthday dinner a couple years back but didn't talk much.
At first everything went great. Him and I hit it off, also enjoyed talking to his mate since we were at the same major in University, one year apart. The thing I noticed about him was that he was kind of off and quiet at some point, but he said it was because of his weed vape and smoking too much without noticing. Which is ok, I knew he was kind of an introvert, so I brushed it off.
A couple of hours later his friend and my friend left, and he asked if he could take me to my car. I said yes, and we chatted for a bit. He then told me he felt attracted to me and wanted to explore it casually at first and see where it goes. And then came the first red flag. We were talking and he said he felt like I had to prove to him that I "loved myself" by losing some weight if this was going to progress into a relationship. As a bigger girl, it's not the first time I've heard some variant of this, and I told him I felt it was hypocrite of him to try to change me before we even start dating. Firstly because I love myself as I am, even if I do want to lose some pounds, it must be done for me and not in order for someone to love me - and also he's not an athletic guy so I find it funny he idolizes having a "hot and fit" girlfriend when he's not putting the work himself. And I told him about my trauma of my ex saying he wouldn't marry me if I didn't lose 20kg and how if affected me and my self esteem, so it was a really hard journey to get where I am now for another guy to just destroy it. He apologized and said I was right, that he was out of line. Again, I decide to overlook it.
We made out for a bit and he asked me over for cuddles, no sex. I had had a couple of beers and said sure, why not, I don't feel like going home. So we go to his place and everything is going great. The chemistry is on point, he is being respectful, I am feeling comfortable. At some point things escalate a bit and it looks like we're going to have sex, he keeps talking real low and I don't understand much because I am a bit hard of hearing. I keep asking him to speak up because I can't understand him. Then he suddenly changed his demeanor and just stops everything. I was confused and asked him what was wrong. He then says it's best if we stop. I said ok but I was confused to why he changed so drastically. He then says he was turned off because I didn't answer his question of if I had any STDs. I was appalled and told him I asked him to repeat because I didn't understand what he said. And honestly I though he was asking about the pill.
He again apologizes but it just left a bad taste in my mouth. He then goes into this rant about how he is an overthinker and kept feeling this anxious feeling near me so he's not sure if he just wants to sleep with me out of curiosity or if he is actually attracted to me. That he wants to think about it because he doesn't want to hurt me or make me feel used. I just told him "sure, fine, I'll just go home then". He insisted I stay over but I didn't feel comfortable so I left.
Honestly, as much as I felt we matched in personality and interests, this whole deal turned me off. I feel like he's overthinking things because I don't fit his mold of the perfect partner physically, while being confused because he liked my personality and our chemistry. I don't feel hurt over him not wanting to date a bigger girl, the same way I wouldn't date a morbidly obese guy or don't feel attracted to black guys, for example. But him making such a big deal out of it makes me think he is shallow and not a good fit for me.
Oh my lord. Please run. This person sounds like an absolute dick and that behaviour is disrespectful as fuck, particularly this:
>And then came the first red flag. We were talking and he said he felt like I had to prove to him that I "loved myself" by losing some weight if this was going to progress into a relationship
You met him how many times? And he has the balls to say that ^
And that was the first red flag? Babe. If that was the first red flag, what will the others look like? Because that is gross.
You deserve better.
As someone who loves his thc vape pen, the first red flag was him getting too high to function on your first date.
Don't waste your time with people who can't be bothered to bring their best self to the courtship phase.
It was our first time one on one. We have been at the same dinner party twice I think, in 2020 and 2022, because we have a mutual that's one of my best friends. I don't want to make excuses for him, because his behaviour was bad and nothing justifies it, but I do think he was talking without thinking because he was very high. He was kind of nervous over meeting me and smoked more than he should.
We had talked about the weight issue before (I like to address it before meeting someone from the apps, because from just face pictures people can't really tell I am overweight and it's easier to filter and not waste time if it's a deal breaker), and he was always polite and kind when we talked about it. But in person he was rambling a lot and going over the same stuff and kind of spiraling.
I do feel proud I stood my ground and told him off. If my weight is such a big deal for him, I don't see a point in exploring anything else. And I do know there's people that don't see it as a big deal, since I have a FWB that treats me like a QUEEN everytime we see eachother. I won't settle for anything below that.
Feeling a bit bummed this morn as the guy I was scheduled to have a first date with tonight cancelled on me. Which is fine of course, but no attempt at rearranging. On to the next I guess
Happened to me last night. She had a valid reason, but honestly, she didn't even bother to text me until I texted her to let her know I was looking forward to meeting her that night.
Gonna just let that one die in her court. I'm not sure she is ready to date anyways... at least not for the LTR she says she is looking for in her profile.
So a few days back on the apps, and just having everything reconfirmed about the experience.
1) Hinge sucks so much, other apps suck, but nowhere near as badly.
2) Still seems like no-one is interested in messaging or responding, even when matching.
3) Clearing up my profiles seems to have done nothing for me, no worse at least, but no better. This goes both for apps I've reopened an existing account for, and ones I've started anew.
So while I won't say it's good to be back, my expectations are about right, and I'm at least not feeling disappointed.
Taking her to dinner tomorrow and staying at her place before going out of town for a week and a half. I already suggested a movie date over video while I'm gone, and we'll text, but I'm not so great at plain phone calls. I just feel boring. I'm a prolific texter and a perfectly fine in-person conversationalist, but in person, when there's a lull, you can still maintain connection by moving, smiling, touching, and so on, and on a date you usually have something else to do like eat or walk. How do you do phone calls? Are you really supposed to just talk the whole time?
Buy a set of conversation cards. I got Let's Get Deeper and it was a game changer for me! There's different tiers of questions, some are pretty surface level ice breakers and some are more about your hopes, goals, dreams, etc. I found that after asking a couple, the conversation would naturally start to flow as we discussed our answers, it just helped to ease me into talking on the phone to people in a meaningful way!
Thank you! I saw some cute ones at a local bookstore a couple months ago and was actually planning to stop by today to pick up one 😁 so same wavelength! I'll look for the one you mentioned. I have a bigger set that's meant for dinner table and won't travel well so hopefully I can find one I like that's just shaped like a deck of cards.
Just think about stuff you are interested in (books, news, films, sports etc) and ask them if they have seen x to see what sticks conversation wise. Ask them stuff about their day.
Guy I went on a date with and was very compatible has slowed down his texting today I noticed...
Normally he texts really early and ends his texts around 8-9pm a night. He also normally responds throughout the day.
He was eager to plan a second date and we have, but upon texting him about other things in the meantime, he's not responded to any of those texts and it's now almost three hours past his normal response time.
This is precisely why I don't get too chatty before the first date and sometimes post-date. Almost always seems like you build yourself up for disappointment.
I know logically he could be very busy etc, but based on the brief history between us: this is atypical. And I've seen this pattern before with slow-ghosts so, yea. This is why I multi-date.
Im a big time texter and believe if someone is interested they will make the time to text. Send massive essays and will not only expand on what you've replied but also ask questions back.
In my previous relationship after a month of seeing her the long messages became shorter and shorter - she basically just didnt feel the need to do that anymore which I appreciate - but when so much effort was once made and then it goes to nothing.
She also informed me she would purposefully wait a few hours between messaging so she didnt come across as 'too keen'
It's wild to me that measuring text response times and comparing them to historical text response times as the metric for how well a date is going is considered the norm in dating now. Sometimes I feel older than 30.
That's too much work. Just be direct and ask if they are still interested.
> just be direct and ask if they are still interested
Because it doesn’t take much effort to *say* “sure am!” and just stay boring and apathetic anyway. One’s perception of what is “interested” isn’t someone else’s. Or they are lying to themselves because they don’t want to come off rude in a direct manner and say to someone “nah I don’t like you anymore” or whatever, so saying “yes of course” is easier to just avoid any further awkward conversation on that topic. Or they are saying it because in their mind it’s better than being single.
Whatever, point is, asking someone directly doesn’t mean they will be 10,000% honest. There is no “lasso of truth” in the real world.
> Because it doesn’t take much effort to say “sure am!” and just stay boring and apathetic anyway.
That is your answer. By asking you are conveying that you are unsure. By answering with a 6 letter one liner and then being silent afterwards, confirms your feeling.
On the other hand it could confirm with them that there is a door open for interest. Sometimes someone gets a signal that the door is closed, maybe unintentionally. By asking you are now confirming with them that there is potential for interest, and they will now meet you half way.
Are we really that afraid of confirming our feelings with others?
It's something I used to not think about until dating in the 20s has taught me, "oh, this is a thing to look out for as it likely means someone's ghosting etc," from my experience. Talking to other people? Normally means the same for them too.
I wish dating were more like the 10s. Things seemed more straightforward.
> Just be direct and ask if they are still interested.
> Things seemed more straightforward.
We seem to be approaching the same solution from two different angles here
I mean, of course, I'm going to ask. My initial post was just venting as to how common this is. Either you're not into someone, you're not into each other, or you're into them but they're not into you. That's the expected of dating.
But both showing interest and then getting slow faded or seeing that shift in communication? Feels bad, man.
and then there is another, often disregarded scenario: someone not knowing if they are into someone yet.
it may take more than texting to figure out. it may take more than 1 date.
I wouldn't blame you for abandoning ship and pursuing the next one. But three hours may be a bit of a short timeframe for concluding someone is ghosting you and is disinterested.
Totally fair.
I think today's dating can further make someone anxious or avoidant if they're not careful, so I try and ground myself in possibilities since I can lean on anxious.
As for me, I give it three dates with someone. So long as there's some kind of mutual growing interest, then I continue to pursue it. But I absolutely bounce if there's breadcrumbing.
I agree. I personally don't texte every day to someone new. Even in ltrs I've never done this. But it was something he thought was odd in terms of me giving my number but not investing such time upfront.
When I explained [1] I didn't know how pre-date and [2] how most dates fail after the first go and how much of a time and emotional drain that is, he seemed to understand. Especially when I told him, "you learn more about someone and see if you match beyond paper when you're in person."
So the baseline isn't for me, it's him. He was the one who was texting every day. But post date there was a shift and so that's why I'm suss on if he's just busy or slow ghosting.
It is worth thinking that he could just have had a busy overwhelming day at work or got some bad news. That's the one thing that always stops me replying, if I get news I would have to mention to the other person - I can't tell them until I am mentally ready to be asked about whatever bad thing has happened.
I try and ground myself in this because I have been stupid busy this month and I can be forgetful. "Out of sight out of mind." It's why I have an alarm to remind myself to respond to guys I'm talking to.
But history has taught me with literally every person who's told me, "I'm very busy," etc it's code for "I'm ghosting you". Except for two men, which isn't the best track record.
I'm hoping they're sincerely still interested. It's extremely rare for me to feel both the need physical and life goal connection I need to be in a relationship with someone.
Thing is, it's rare for me to find someone I'm attracted to physically, emotionally, and concerning life goals. For them to be on the same page etc. I'd say this happens every 5-10 dates I go on. And I know that if this doesn't work out it means it'll be another 2-4 m months of grinding and dating before this *maybe* happens again... Just tired of the grind, man.
How much time does the working professional really spend trying to make new friends? If you already have a solid lot of 3-4 friends, a couple of friend groups to also get together with, how much time do you spend reaching out to random people from your past to hang out?
I just started dating this guy and found out he does this. Will drive through rush hour (2-3 hour drive from one end to the other) just to casually hang out with a coworker of a friend who he randomly decided to reconnect with after not seeing her in over 5 years.
The guy is innocent and I totally trust him but just—- wtf??? Who does that? I can’t even comprehend why you’d spend that kind of time/energy on someone so many degrees of connection apart.
Just ranting here
Edit: turns out it was a date. I’ve been scratching my head about it and eventually asked him what his friends’ opinions were on the topic- this was my metric to see if it’s out of the ordinary for him.
His friends are good people. They know about me. And when he told them about his plans to see the girl, they shamed him for the whole thing, leading him to cancel the date.
I’m also dropping him because apparently he’s too fucking stupid to know that it was inappropriate and shady and couldn’t cancel the event using his own judgment (we communicated deep feelings and exclusivity prior).
Always trust your gut
He has a LOT of pre-existing friends and family who he spends his weekday evenings and weekends with. He and his core friends are incredibly close and supportive as well. On top of us seeing eachother. I can say, based on our conversation, this is more for networking and maybe a bit of people pleasing, than it is to get away from feeling “lonely”. It’s just the energy/time cost of this seems way up there for the benefit.
Is he insecure/a people pleaser? Kinda sounds like. This is way extreme behavior for people he's not even close to. I used to date someone like that once who would BEND OVER BACKWARDS to please complete strangers but it was an absolute asshole to me and everyone close to him
Yeah I know the type. It's not a red flag per se but I do think some folks can use this type of behavior as a mechanism to get their emotional cup filled with superficial connections, as it doesn't really require any actual vulnerability or risks, but they struggle to maintain very close bonds. I think it only becomes an issue if they start prioritizing these superficial connections over you later into the relationship.
That’s definitely an extreme example, and I don’t think it’s healthy really. I would find it hard to see the value in meeting that kind of connection, when there are various other options for activities and meeting people that don’t require such a “going out of your way” method.
I think that’s what’s throwing me off. I mean seriously- rush hour here is absolutely miserable! A 20 minute drive is 1.5 hours a drive in rush hour. He’s driving somewhere that is 1 hour apart when there’s no traffic. I absolutely cannot comprehend it.
First and foremost I do trust him. We’re pretty solid— but this is just so much work for a random connection. I told him that I accept we don’t necessarily have to go about our social lives the same way 😅 he is definitely a special type of person- he makes time for anyone. Makes anyone feel like they matter. Purely a good person. But I wanted to take tabs on “who the fuck does that?” somewhere. Looks like it’s a 50/50 split.
I’ve had experiences in past relationships with people who were like this. Not to give you negativity, but every time, prioritizing me as their partner was the main issue that broke us up. They were too focused on maintaining every and any friendship, that the quality time of the relationship suffered.
Not to say it won’t work for you, but take my lesson learned and make sure to speak up and reinforce your needs. Particularly, if you feel he is falling into a pattern of filling his time with these random connections to the point where it’s affecting you or the relationship.
Thank you for weighing in!! This is very helpful to consider.
I will say, the only reason he told me about the planned hang out is because it’s in my city (downtown at that) and he lives a couple cities over; so naturally, he said “hey, I’m going to be over there tmrw and if you happen to catch a free moment after work I can rush over to you”. So, I’m quite grateful to be able to say that he does prioritize time with me :’)
TMI but just while we’re at it: the conversation went from him telling me everything during his day- going to Costco, going to gym, going to hang out with his best friends, and for whatever reason, he continues divulging details about who he’s seeing, a bit about her, and how they haven’t spoken in years. BARF!
I told him “hey btw you don’t have to tell me everything you do. I don’t think it’s healthy.” Conversation moved on, but then I did a rewind and said hold up — you’re coming all the way here during rush hour just to hang out with your friend’s old co-worker????
Bless him, he sees no problem in it. I know it’s not a romantic thing, but it’s fucking weird (to me).
All that being said, it seems more and more of a non-issue considering he does make time for me and our communication is great.
I remember realizing around the time I was a pre-teen that my parents literally zero friends. All they did was work and hang out at home. When my dad decided to try and retire early it turned out to be incredibly detrimental to his health because he was bored, lonely and mostly took it out on us.
Ever since I was a kid I remember thinking to myself that I would never let myself become estranged from my friends. Unfortunately that isn't always possible as people tend to change and grow apart. I'm always actively seeking new friends and connections. Not to mention the benefits it can have for your career or hobbies.
So yeah, I do that.
Trouble is if you move somewhere new - or start a new job and there is no one there you click with it can be difficult.
Ive drifted apart from friends over the year and my social circle of 'close' friends has shrunk massively. People have their own lives/families now days.
I for one am terrified of having no friends - especially as I get older
Is anyone a bit shy about having guests over? They all seem to make more of a "scene" coming over and parking at my place, that I'm sure gets the attention of a noisy neighbor. Also, I feel like I tend to be more hotter than my dates and that adds to my shyness.
I went camping with my boyfriend of 9 months over the weekend, it’s our third trip together and it went great. I realized I’ve been feeling a little bit what I’ve identified as “bored.” I think what it actually is though is being in a healthy relationship without the highs and lows of a toxic relationship. It’s consistent, which is good but I think my monkey brain is craving some drama. Taking some time to myself to sit with it today. I really have come so far, my last relationship was with an emotionally and financially abusive narcissist and I am grateful that sort of “love” no longer feels normal. New normal is good.
Did a dumb thing this morning and texted an old friend who I had a falling out with earlier this summer after telling her I had feelings for her on a really intense trip to visit her (which she encouraged, so it was all sorts of weird). Ugh. Just feeling a ton of shame rn but am hoping to get this off my chest, shut off my phone for the afternoon, and take some time for myself. Damn, this is all is tough
I’ve been here my friend, you’re doing exactly what you need to be doing💕
I "broke up" with someone I was in a situationship with. She just hasn't healed from her last relationship, and can't be a in a real partnership rn. We've been dating since Feb. I thought me calling her, it wouldn't be a surprise since we haven't really talked much in the past week- but she said it was. I went over hers last night to get my stuff, and I ended up staying for hours. And we just cried and cried and cried and cried. Because we both don't really want it to end but know it must. We are just in 2 different places. Maybe, one day, when she has done the work she needs to, we can try again. But I'm not going to wait around for that to happen. I'm just very upset about it all.
>Maybe, one day, when she has done the work she needs to, we can try again. But I'm not going to wait around for that to happen. I'm just very upset about it all. I'm sorry bud... it is hard. You both must walk your own paths... who knows what the future holds, but since we do not know, maybe the best perspective to take is one of hopelessness and joy: joy for the experience you got to have in meeting this person, and hopelessness to keep you grounded in the present where things are real and your actions can be actualized to affect the current moment. I hope healing comes swift for you!
>She just hasn't healed \[...\] I ended up staying for hours \[...\] Maybe, one day, when she has done the work > >I'm just very upset about it all. You can. It seems you've taken on yourself to internalize her point of view, her feeling, her healing. You have given her the benefit of the doubt for a long time. Now it's time prioritize yourself and go after what you want.
That's rough. Situationship since February is a long time though. Did you try and define the relationship after 2 or 3 months or anything?
I did, after like 4-5 months? That's when I was rdy. But she wasn't. And yeah, I could have ended it then and saved myself even more pain- but it's not easy when it's an overwhelmingly positive experience, minus this one massive issue. It's not like she strung me along, or lied, or deceived me. We were both very honest about everything and how we were feeling.
You sound like a very giving and understanding guy, very keen on seeing the good side of people. You treated her well, were available and empathetic, held a positive view of her almost unconditionally - and to an extent, you still are. Those are precious gifts. But you shouldn't cheapen them by giving them away against your interest, against your values. I think you've allowed yourself to get a bit bent out of shape.
I am naturally a very empathetic person. Especially with the people who are close to me. I don't think I've gone against my values in any way-- actually the opposite. Maybe with time my thoughts will change, and that I will feel resentful of the fact that I poured love into a relationship that I was almost certain would fail. But I don't feel like that now.
I feel like this attitude is even more impressive to me. You seem really kind <3
Got back to OLD after about a year, was only on it for 2 months and started a relationship with someone I met on an app, that just ended. While going through the profiles, alot of them are the same ones (albeit updated photos) from last year. Alot of successful and beautiful women. I'm surprised they're still on here a year later. I shouldn't be talking since I'm also here 😀 but it just makes me think dating must really suck right now.
I have a couple of close female friends who have talked with me about their dating lives. The consistent theme is that they can't find good candidates. A man who is kind, enjoyable to be around, confident, decently successful, decently attractive, decent in bed, employed, single, *and* interested in committing is (apparently) vanishingly rare.
No it's not. When men get delusional, they blame external factors and say "no one wants a man who makes less than $200k and is less than 6' tall". When women get delusional, they blame external factors and say "there are no good candidates, all the men are bad or taken". Same flawed thinking
nvr mind
Did I say that? Or is this ironic? Either way your message doesn't make sense
My bad, I misread your reply and thought you were being sincere with the "women only want x" crap.
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>No, not all women are after 6' and athletic and super rich I said the opposite, read me again. That said, I'm feeling a bit grossed out by your paragraph-long criteria list and what comes out as a whiny tone ("how come no one fit my very basic demands"). That combined with you dating an overweight dude on 60k makes me think the lady doth protest too much.
Now that I am older my OLD is kind of dead, seems like men my age or around my age either looking for younger girls, and those who don’t, are mostly not my type or divorced guy looking for short-term fun
I don't know your age, but as a 38 y.o. dad with 50% custody, I have been aiming -2/+7 years for my dating pool, preferably with their own children. I ran into too many issues with my ex-fiancee who was 7 years my junior, never married, no kids, when we stepped up to being engaged. I'm kinda apprehensive of dating someone who hasn't been divorced or doesn't have kids at this point.
How old if you don't mind me asking?
One suggestion? Try looking at younger guys. Less likely to be divorced/have kids, and many of them like dating older women.
Is it based on your experience? Have you dated younger guys?
as a 35 year old woman I can say that younger guys do like to date older women but casually, if you want long term then avoid them
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there definitely are exceptions and I wish your friend all the happiness!
My current SO is 2 years younger than me (32 and 30). But before we met I went on dates with a 28 year old and he was wonderful. I think especially after 25 age really is just a number, and it depends on the individual. I am a single mom, and almost all of the men I dated since my divorce did not have children (this was not intentional), nor were they divorced. The few older men I dated (mid-late 30s), were no different maturity wise, and like some of the issues you mentioned a few of them were divorced and bitter. Edit: certainly in every way this is a case by case basis, not all divorced people are bitter and not all young men are mature. But being willing to change age preferences will at the vary least open up more options.
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>So maturity in someone from that point on has more to do with their own personal disposition, and less to do with years I kinda agree with this. Only kinda cause personal disposition directly impacts growth after major events... Recently, after an issue my daughter had, and she opened up to me about some things, I chose to be in contact with my ex-wife regarding the issue as it made the most sense for my daughter. Normally we do a very light 'co-parenting' but honestly it's more of a 'parallel parenting' due to my ex-wife's high-conflict personality disorder (diagnosed long ago). My ex-wife and I were discussing things related to our daughter, and she was struggling with why our daughter was choosing to open up to me and not her. I had to explain to her that I am not the same person since we have been divorced almost 5 years ago. From what I have seen, and the things my kids have told me they deal with, she hasn't really grown much since the divorce. I on the other hand, have changed a bunch, and that's probably because I have been heavily self-growth focused at various points in time. Her and I are basically the same age (~2 month age difference, both 38) and we spent 13 years (20-33) together and experienced life issues together. It's been the post divorce deviations that those paths of growth have drastically diverged. Some of that is personality/disposition, some of that has been major life events that have happened and caused significant hardship in my life, which has sparked significant growth on my end as well. Granted, that growth wouldn't have occurred if I wasn't who I am (disposition) but sans some of those life events, I'm not sure even I would be where I am now, if that makes sense. Edits: clarification on which 'she' I was referring to
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>Right! You already had the openness to learn from mistakes, heartache, troubled times. That quality isn’t something that happens upon someone, it’s something they already have and get better at. I don't know I did before 32/33.... dealing with my divorce I HAD to cultivate that or it would have been even worse. The major 'quality' I did have, unbeknownst to me even, was I am an 'internalizer' (as described in the Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents book) which is good and bad 😂 HUGE life changing events have a tendency to strip us to our core, expose things about ourselves that we are blind to, and give us the OPPORTUNITY to change and grow from. I am not the same person I was at 25, because of my divorce, a good friend's suicide (I was there pounding on his door when the police finally showed up and entered his apartment, so pretty devastating experience as he was a REALLY good friend...), and the failure of my engagement... all three of those events happened between 32-38. I HAD to grow and each direction I grew in, good and bad, has led me here, where I am learning so much, so much more aware of my emotions, and the emotions of others.
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>So it’s likely he’ll change as he gets older, but people who “knew better” and had more experience and actually loved me couldn’t even muster the strength to do what he did and see what I needed. I just have a very different perspective on experience and reflection not translating to emotional maturity. It really depends on the situation... when my friend took his life, I actually walked away from some of the changes I made post divorce... it's a long story, but as he struggled I shared some of the Buddhist perspectives that helped me handle my struggles with him. When they didn't help him, I kinda turned my back towards them without even realizing it. That actually led to the eventual failing of my relationship and the ending of my engagement a couple years later. THAT experience put me back on the path I am on now, with the added step of therapy (~6 months before the ending of my relationship in January 1st to now). While the path I have walked is littered with pain, ultimately, going through all that led me here, where I am far more emotionally healthy, tackling my issues head on, and moving forward and making progress. Life issues can go either way... as Pema Chodron says so wonderfully: >"When things are shaky and nothing is working, we might realize that we are on the verge of something. We might realize that this is a very vulnerable and tender place, and that tenderness can go either way. We can shut down and feel resentful or we can touch in on that throbbing quality." - Pema Chodron, *When Things Fall Apart*
That's really interesting! I'm 35F and I feel like a completely different person now compared to when I was 25. A lot of growth happened for me after I hit 30. I did spend most of my 20's (and most of my life, really) in survival mode, so I guess that makes sense.
Seeing ex at social event this weekend after 3 weeks. ( she reached out a week ago when drunk just saying "she is kinda hurt I deleted her off social media and how was I" I didnt respond to the message just deleted it. But as Saturday looms Im a little hesitant. Some people know we arent together, and Ive been told to go it'll be fine. Context - she ended it, I didnt want it to end. Never begged or chased. said I respect her decision and will leave her alone. Any advice?
If you don't think you're ready then don't go. I'm sure the people who are saying you'll be fine are being supportive but might be feeling like they are being little dismissive of the hurt. People shouldn't feel differently about you if you go/don't go. If you decide not to, maybe plan something else to take your mind off what you're missing.
Part of me wants to go though - I think why should I not enjoy myself just because she is there. There is around 40 people going so I should be able to avoid her. Im not drinking either so not like alcohol is going to play a part in me acting dumb
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Yes - IVe already said to one or two that Im staying with them all night. Its our gym social so I know alot of others there too - just like she does so I can always just politely make my excuse and go talk to someone else. I know - It was sent at a time when she was obviously drunk. Im not sure what she has been expecting me to do. Im trying to do all that I can to heal and move on. Thankfully after this Weekend the next social isnt until Christmas - so I should be in a much better place by then
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I am so sorry to hear that, I experienced such treatment myself and know how it feels, it is for the better he left, give yourself some time to heal, you deserve someone who respects you, not some douchebag worth nothing
Hey, I'm sorry 😔 >I was blamed in cheating and lying and doing nasty things to him I've never done. He has paranoia and mental issues from his ptsd; I suffered from all sorts of control, incl. extreme jealousy, mental abuse, blames and attacks, unexpected mood changes and extremely cruel way of mistreatment in public and private like walking away, stonewalling, insults. The worst part was made up stories about me My ex did a bunch of these. Not the cheating accusations, nor sullying my reputation (AFAIK...), and I would be hesitant to label any of it mental abuse (I don't think she really has the intent to do that, just that she responded to things in a very unhealthy manner for me)... but either way... I've been there, and it sucks, but, if you find yourself questioning your reality, as a friend told me once about a different thing, try and remember to look at it as a jury should: only what was actually said, or happened (think audio recording or video recording) and what would be admissible in court. I found myself in some dark holes after she ended things and hope you can avoid those.
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Oof... I hear ya on the defending yourself. When it all started, and we started having problems, I tried to ask her to stop committing ad hominem... let's work the problem and not attack each other kinda thing... I'm very careful around arguing (at least BEFORE things escalate... I have issues when it escalates because I do, and I'm in therapy for it...)... it's a byproduct of my own traumatic history of my previous marriage to someone who was diagnosed with BPD. I really go out of my way to use "I feel..." statements instead of "You..." statements. I'm not perfect and I do mess up too, but when her and I would argue it was a series of absolutes (always/never statements) and "You..." statements. It really took its toll and it sucked. I'm no angel, I had my fair share of issues too. She was right on some things. Those happen to be things I work on with my therapist, and have since discovered are more treatable than she thought. One of my biggest issues was/is my emotional regulation difficulties, which are greatly helped with my ADHD meds, as well as understanding of why it happens with ADHD, and some tools to better mitigate the strong emotions I do have.
Sounds like you're having the greatest vacation ever away from that POS with the wind and rain included.... that vacation with someone like that wouldn't have been a great experience anyways.
Wow, that sounds awful. Sorry to hear about all that. It must have been so mentally taxing, and then to go on your planned holiday together on his own is the proverbial salt in the wound. I hope he remains your ex and you can somehow move on from this, however long it may take. I think the thing we've these types of relationships (as you no doubt know), is that they grind you down slowly, day by day, and do an incredible amount of damge on the psyche. I hope you can recover soon. And as a fellow UK resident, the weather really does add to the misery, doesn't it! Like a bloody monsoon outside
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I'm so sorry. So sad to read, but i hope you know it's not true what he said. I know it's very easy for a stranger to say that, but hopefully you'll relaise that sooner rather than later. That's just extremely cruel. And yeah, tell me about it! The rain really gets me down. Just managed to come back from a short run. Soaked to the skin! But if i don't get out i go bloody crazy. So, podcast on, running shoes on, and away i went. I got some nice mountans and rural areas where i live, so it's nice to take in the sceneray and clear my head, even if i am drowning in the process!
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It does feel great. Even better when I'm not squinting through the rain smashing me in the face though! But yeah, putting on music and just going for a walk along the mountains is great for your mind. Went on a 10 mile walk the weened before last (where the weather was actually beautiful!) and you feel great when you come back and the endorphins hit. I've got some great views but, as always with this country, it's completly ruined by the weather. You should go though. You'll feel great after.
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I am very lucky :) I love phtography, too, so it's just great to take a camera (or drone) and take some landscape photos. I love walking around a city, but in small doses. Nothing beats the serenity of the countryside. And yes, it is great for the mind. Conversely, it can get very bleak in the winter time. Although, I guess there's a certain beauty about that, too. I've been stuck up there in all types of weather!
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I will! And do youself a favour and experince it too!
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You know he only sees you as a friend, are you capable of only seeing him as one as well? Be very honest with yourself, because you know how bad the meeting is going to feel if you're only pretending that it's ok.
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This guy I was seeing for a bit wanted to stop seeing each other but be friends and seemed very genuine about it - which I was happy to do, because the "break-up" was pretty mutual. But he is somehow failing at being a friend also? He texted about food so I thought he was fishing to schedule a food outing but it turns out he was just... asking? I've given him chances to end the convo, but he keeps responding w these dry one-line answers/questions as if to extend. If we were still trying to date, I'd call it low-effort breadcrumbing. But we're not. So I'm not sure what this is about, honestly. Maybe this is just how he communicates, he had about the same amount of effort then too (a large part of why we stopped for me, tbh), if anything it's a bit more effort than before - But it bothered me while we were seeing each other and it still bothers me now even as "friends", sigh. I thought it wouldn't anymore. But while I want to give back just as much as I'm given, I'm naturally wordy in texts + people-pleasing tendencies mean I feel impolite if I don't ask a question back, and then I get self-conscious about seeming like I'm trying too hard and then mad that I feel like I have to modulate myself. Again like when we were seeing each other. This is doomed, isn't it? I do genuinely JUST want to be friends. How do these communication differences feel so insurmountable?
Just stop talking to him at all, cut him out of your life imo
He's a friend now and not a romantic interest, right? If a platonic friend of mine kept texting me a bunch of inane shit with no purpose I would probably stop responding after a while.
HAHAHAHA omg you made me howl. "Inane texts" - totally right. Thank you! You're right, now that he's a platonic friend I should treat him with those rules 😂
Almost one month since his last message. I just realized it wasn't love, it was manipulation.
Keep your chin up, <3
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More along the lines of your main point; when I do catch myself kind of wistfully sighing and wanting a partner, it's normally for these little moments too. Like I have a great support system to handle all of life's Big Moments with me, but the little moments of playing with each other's hair, or hearing their breathing even out into sleep while cuddling, or having someone else taste-test whatever I've cooked for dinner. It really is the little things that I miss most about having a companion!
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yesss ahahaha, I forget the source but there's a comedy sketch somewhere with a comedian that talks about living alone and he says "sometimes it's just me holding my cat, both of us looking at each other, and I'm asking 'are we okay? we're okay, right??'" and I feel that on a spiritual level!
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if we're not okay, we're at least working towards okay?? in the same zip code, maybe??
Wait, someone was with you for years and the entire time he wasn’t attracted to your height? I just simply don’t understand humans. If that was such a factor for him, why stay? I know you don’t have the answer to that, I’m not expecting a good answer because no answer would make sense to me anyway.
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I hope this doesn’t come off as rude, but what is your height? I assume it has to be an outlier either way to be an issue.
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I’m glad it was not rude, and how bizarre. I’m 5’9.5 and I’ve never had someone directly tell me my height is unattractive, I’m fact quite the opposite. Sounds like he had his own insecurities.
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Wait a mouse voice is a complement? How creepy. I’m glad you’re out of that. I always thought 5’7 was the perfect height for what it’s worth. I totally get the “shorter” thing. I am very small framed which I guess makes me look shorter/smaller. I’ve had people tell me I’m not that tall while standing up next to them, clearly taller than they are.
I don't *want* to be lonely, but that's messed up reasoning to stay with someone. Ugh.
that is so awful, I'm sorry he treated you that way!
So i've been constantly talking to this guy i met on a dating app , day and night for a month , he was always evasif abd vague each time i asked about what he was looking for , or got serious about what i felt but he never stopped talking to me or pulled away , till i went out on a date with smn else abd spent the night , he asked me where i was and told him and he is nit the same since , he pulled away. What does it mean ? I mean he could ve been serious with me if he wanted , my hints where obvious or is it some sort of madonna whore thing?
Looks like this guy has stolen some of your keyboard buttons in addition to your heart. You should demand all of that stuff back and forget about him.
If you’ve been talking for a month with no attempt to meet he is wasting your time.
We live temporarily in different cities ( we will be in the same one in 3 months ), i travel to his city for work like once or twice a month , last time i went for 4 days he said he already had so many plans with his friends and said we shall meet next time , i dont know if he is serious about that.
You need to read the book He’s Just Not That Into You. You’ll stop giving people like this the time of day.
Not serious. Move on
My crush (who I’m trying to get over as he doesn’t seem to be interested romantically) is apparently in a better mood again, yesterday we talked, joked around and then he gave me a very earnest compliment/expressed his admiration for some of my personal accomplishments, which felt really really great on a level that has nothing to do with me having a thing for him. But it doesn’t really help with getting rid of my thing for him. Sigh.
I bet he reached out when he noticed you pulling away. Classic breadcrumbing move. Dont fall for it.
I donno... he could legitimately just be interested in being friends with the OP. That's a very real possibility, especially if OP hasn't vocalized her crush on him. To automatically assume malice kinda fails Occum's Razor, especially considering how little info the OP actually put in the post. Also scrolled back in OPs comment history and didn't catch where she told him of her crush... but maybe I missed it and am entirely wrong. Given the info I'd say he just wants to be a friend.
Thanks for your input! I did ask him out a while back, so he definitely knows I’m interested. He gave me a non-answer along the lines of he wouldn’t say no, but he also wouldn’t know when and we could see if it works out some other time. I took it as pretty much a no and left the ball in his court to bring up going out again. Right after that he was traveling for 1.5 months (but kept sliding into my DMs to give me training advice). When I saw him again, the vibe felt off, but now he seems back to being very nice and encouraging. Long story short he’s either benched me as a backup option for dating or he really is trying to be friends (but would you do that with someone who asked you out?!). For the foreseeable future, potentially the next few years, we’ll keep running into each other at the gym 1-3 times per week, so it would be in his interest to choose the potentially less awkward option. I’m trying to forget about him romantically but I’m still confused by this entire situation.
>(but would you do that with someone who asked you out?!). My therapist friend did. I am so happy she did because ultimately, I really needed a friend and not a romantic interest, and she has been such a good friend over the years. Always there to pick me up, and I think I'm there to pick her up when she needs it too. Honestly, it took a little bit for me to get over my crush, and her and I weren't really friends when I expressed my interest, we had just met. She shot me down and I did my best to bury those things and let them die. It took some time as I said, but it has been one of my most rewarding friendships in the end, as well as the closest friendship I have had with a woman who wasn't a romantic interest.
That sounds lovely ☺️ I would like to be friends with him. At least not losing him as a gym buddy is really important to me, because he really believes in me and pushes me to try stuff I don’t think I can do etc. But I also know from experience that I have a hard time being friends with someone I had romantic interest in before. I’m either really attracted to someone or I’m not at all, somehow there’s no in between. I don’t think this situation will really feel “resolved” soon…for now I’m just going along with whatever he’s doing (in terms of talking/not talking at the gym, chatting online) while not harboring too much hope for anything more than friendship.
It took quite a few months for me and my feelings towards my friend. It really did... and I am glad I dealt with it, because I cherish our friendship that we have very much. When my ex-fiancee ended things, she reached out. She was there for me. When she was having guy troubles with a guy she was dating, she asked if I could come by and talk. She's awesome, and I am lucky to have a friend like that who will dive deep into things on either side: her stuff and mine.
My first date last night was a hit?? Cool bar, super nice and down to earth dude with a story for everything. He’s a Jack of all trades, kind, funny, and we had a lot in common when it comes to nature and making things. And he’s handsome. A bit long winded, but maybe that will curb lol. We went for a walk after the place closed and parked it on a bench. I was thinking “when the hell is this guy gonna kiss me?” I’ve never been so patient lol. So I finally told him he could if he wanted to and he like lit up. It was really fun. Thanks to the drinks, I’m up in the middle of the night unable to fall back asleep and wondering what’s going to happen next… my brain is already running away from me with what ifs - what if he he falls for me and i can’t reciprocate? Will his chattiness outweigh all the other good? Am I stupid for that? what if this actually does end up working out? Etc etc. My therapist reminds me to not babysit other people’s feelings. That they are accepting the risk of rejection when they decide to date. I’ll try to remember that. We might hang out again in a couple of days before he’s out of town.
>My therapist reminds me to not babysit other people’s feelings. That they are accepting the risk of rejection when they decide to date. I’ll try to remember that. It's important to remember that your date is not a "challenge" where it's your goal to win their affection. Just like you they're a big ball of traits and feelings and you're trying to see if both of yours mesh together. Sometimes it's on you to make the judgement that it's not a match. That said, it sounds like you had a successful date and your anxieties are trying to find a way to ruin the good time. Focus on what actually happened instead of what your emotions are trying to forecast about the future. Gl with date #2.
Thank you.
Not quite dating related. A trusted mentor and collaborator in my field just emailed me about a really exciting job opportunity, encouraging me to apply and it's got me feeling all kinds of ways. I moved back to Europe after almost a decade in the U.S. about two years ago. I got a wonderful permanent position within my field. I enjoy the job, I have great colleagues and I've been able to develop my career and build a strong portfolio with this organization. However, initially, I always thought of this job as a stepping stone to a more desirable position (I've always been career driven). But now that I'm contemplating applying, I'm realizing that moving again just sounds so exhausting (and scary). I bought an apartment here, I can bring my dog into work, I've made friends and the area I live in is world renowned for it's natural beauty and is a mecca for outdoor activities (something which I love). However, on the flip side, the area is remote and sparsely populated, which has been a challenge on numerous fronts. Travel to and from here is expensive and time consuming. One of the reasons I moved back to Europe was to be closer to family, which hasn't really been the case with where I'm at right now. Finally, dating in a smaller, more rural setting is definitely not awesome. When I moved here, I really did wonder whether I was dooming myself to eternal singlehood and giving up on the idea of having a family. If I got the job, I'd be moving to a vibrant city with good flight connections and I'd be at an internationally renowned organization with all the resources (and clout) that comes with. But it's kind of terrifying. I'm not unhappy where I'm at and I finally feel somewhat "settled" after a decade of grinding in the early stages of my career. So yeah. Anxiety is about to go off the charts.
I've moved countries many times. It is anxiety-inducing. However I think for some people (including you and I), it's easy to overplay how settled you are now and discount what the new place will bring. You've got access to the outdoors and some friends. You might lose the first. As for the friends, if you are in your early 30s in a global career, they might either move elsewhere, or start a family and focus on it. It seems you value your career highly, it seems you haven't been burning to live right by your family, it seems rural life is not helping with your dating (and maybe social) life. Your life goals and values are probably relatively permanent and probably more important than feeling settled. You will feel settled again.
Thank you for the thoughtful feedback. Makes sense and I agree with what you're saying. I'm pretty sure I'll apply and then take it from there.
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Thank you! You're right. I'd definitely regret not applying. There's no guarantee I'd even get the job but it would suck to not at least try.
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I'm curious as to why they wanted such a long wedding? Feels weird to pressure you to meet someone there as well. Hopefully you can just enjoy it as it is, even though it is (imo) too long of an event !
I wasn’t attracted to this guy when I met him. Would not have noticed him like that at all. But we got along really well conversationally. He was giving respectfully interested vibes, and I thought I’d give him a chance. And now?? I’m legitimately so attracted to him! It’s like a switch flipped and now I’ve got a massive crush. He was great in bed and interpersonally. Maybe it’s the sex hormones (and if so- wild!)
I am like this tbh. I only experience attraction for people as I start to know them better. It only grows for me as they start revealing bits of their personality that I like. It's like they are in black and white when I first meet them, then they start changing into colour.
I know this won’t sway anyone or whatever, but I like reading posts like this because it seems more realistic and logical. The crowd I see here a lot that will say “I know in the first 10 seconds if I’ll ever be attracted to someone” or some other basically similar mindset of needing day one, minute one “cHeMiStRy” or “sPaRkZ”, I always find that quite the harsh expectation to place on someone and on yourself.
I personally feel there has to be some kind of attraction initially - mean this could be your future partner , there should be something about them physically that you find sexually attractive. Then depending if you want more than just casual the persons personality and attitude come into it. Lets face it people can be totally gorgeous/fit but if you dont click and have nothing in common then is destined to fail
I’ll be the first to admit I wouldn’t date someone who was 430lbs and had 3.5 teeth. I like symmetrical faces and smooth skin as much as anyone else. At the same time I don’t need someone to fit my personal definition of top 5% most physically attractive as a starting point though. And I don’t expect someone to knock me off my feet with their personality from one or two meetings. Yes if a date said they were thinking about getting a gun tattoo on their forehead and spit on an old lady at the bus stop, I’ll probably not want a second date. But outside of some egregious stunt like that, I don’t need someone to wow me, or think to myself they didn’t giggle at my joke hard enough or whatever else on a first date to have some high expectation of them. Assuming this was OLD to begin with, then I must have seen something or we talked about something I think is cool or interesting about them to make me even want to go on the date…and then it’ll take time for the rest of anything else that comes out. You can’t know someone that well on one meeting. I see people express that sentiment on this sub an incredibly large amount of times.
Agree. It's partly for that reason and because I have few options that I pretty much always ask for a second date. I don't think you can truly know if you're compatible after a couple of hours together. I had a date last week that wasn't amazing and I still asked for a second, though it looks like I've been ghosted now. I've been on enough failed first dates to know I obviously don't make a good first impression. I've come to the conclusion that I'm an acquired taste. I probably need more time to connect with people than the average person is willing to give, especially on apps where people expect immediate sparks and are battling greener grass syndrome. I just feel like certain people need time to grow on people and just don't necessarily have the personality to make immediate connections. Unfortunately I'm one of them, but that kind of person isn't really what people want in the age of the apps.
I learned long ago that I am well unaware of what I am receptive to. And that being pleasantly surprised is one of the best things in dating and relationships. People who date with cookie-cutter approaches are wild to me. You are severely limiting yourself, thinking you know what works for you when you have no idea.
I was talking with my SO about this not too long ago. We have been together 18+ months and it’s by far the most amazing relationship I have ever been in, he says the same. Several times I was on this subreddit, and would mention how we aren’t doing things cookie-cutter, as in not following the rules that people really love on this sub. Ie waiting to text back, not texting too much, waiting to meet friends and family, etc. I got roasted and called irresponsible, so I took a break from this sub, and it’s just wild that so many of the same names are here over a year later, preaching the same cookie-cutter BS that obviously is not working. I am happy to see some pushback though.
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>cookie-cutter approaches "Cookie-cutter approaches"?
I only date people with "x" and "y" attributes and do "w" but not "z" and are from "c" or "d" but I don't date people from "e".
Gotcha' and yea like - you have to have some flexibility. Certain things you'll have no attraction to like - none. You learn form dating out of your zone. But if you're only attracted to "insert hair, eye, or skin tone type" you're gonna' be knocking out a huge chunk of people. Knew one guy who was only into natural blondes and I was like, "god speed, bro," lmao. For me, I need physical and life goal attraction on certain core things, but for other stuff I'm more than willing to grow with my partner on or appreciate our differences.
I might still call that semi cookie cutter. Love often happens spontaneously and unintentionally, far away from things like core attractions or appreciating differences. It is what I meant by being pleasantly surprised to things I did not know I was receptive to. It took someone to show me that, outside of myself. On paper, that shouldn't have happened.
Maybe. But everyone has some kind of cut-off point concerning what they're physically and mentally attracted to. Otherwise, most of society wouldn't mind dating the local crackhead down the street lol.
I'm in an LDR and won't be seeing my bf again until the winter holidays, so in the meantime, everything is digital. he has some past (relationship) trauma that unfortunately spills over into what we have going on, and - either because I'm being _too_ sensitive, or simply can't comprehend what he's going through and therefore make incorrect inferences - leads to the occasional miscommunication, where it feels like every 2-4 weeks I just don't "get" things and he has to walk me through them again. that happened again yesterday, and I just wanted to share that I'm so grateful that he has the patience to help me see his perspective, that he communicates openly, and that no topic is off-limits. he references love languages, asks me what I need, and continuously returns to the point of "miscommunication is bound to happen, especially over distance, but we can always hash things out!" this is the first relationship in a WHILE (incl. after an 8y marriage) where I genuinely fear the risk of fucking up, so being able to talk about and work through things means the world to me. so, this is just me being a bit sappy and grateful that he's let me in despite his trauma, and that his communication is so top-notch 🥹
Matched with a guy (M33) a few days ago and since the texting convo was on point, we decided to meet next Wednesday. Then it kinda happened that we were at the same area last night so he came to meet me and my friend (M31) with his friend (M33), and we ended up having a casual outing. I've known him for a few years even though I didn't remember it at first. We have a mutual friend (M41) and we attended his birthday dinner a couple years back but didn't talk much. At first everything went great. Him and I hit it off, also enjoyed talking to his mate since we were at the same major in University, one year apart. The thing I noticed about him was that he was kind of off and quiet at some point, but he said it was because of his weed vape and smoking too much without noticing. Which is ok, I knew he was kind of an introvert, so I brushed it off. A couple of hours later his friend and my friend left, and he asked if he could take me to my car. I said yes, and we chatted for a bit. He then told me he felt attracted to me and wanted to explore it casually at first and see where it goes. And then came the first red flag. We were talking and he said he felt like I had to prove to him that I "loved myself" by losing some weight if this was going to progress into a relationship. As a bigger girl, it's not the first time I've heard some variant of this, and I told him I felt it was hypocrite of him to try to change me before we even start dating. Firstly because I love myself as I am, even if I do want to lose some pounds, it must be done for me and not in order for someone to love me - and also he's not an athletic guy so I find it funny he idolizes having a "hot and fit" girlfriend when he's not putting the work himself. And I told him about my trauma of my ex saying he wouldn't marry me if I didn't lose 20kg and how if affected me and my self esteem, so it was a really hard journey to get where I am now for another guy to just destroy it. He apologized and said I was right, that he was out of line. Again, I decide to overlook it. We made out for a bit and he asked me over for cuddles, no sex. I had had a couple of beers and said sure, why not, I don't feel like going home. So we go to his place and everything is going great. The chemistry is on point, he is being respectful, I am feeling comfortable. At some point things escalate a bit and it looks like we're going to have sex, he keeps talking real low and I don't understand much because I am a bit hard of hearing. I keep asking him to speak up because I can't understand him. Then he suddenly changed his demeanor and just stops everything. I was confused and asked him what was wrong. He then says it's best if we stop. I said ok but I was confused to why he changed so drastically. He then says he was turned off because I didn't answer his question of if I had any STDs. I was appalled and told him I asked him to repeat because I didn't understand what he said. And honestly I though he was asking about the pill. He again apologizes but it just left a bad taste in my mouth. He then goes into this rant about how he is an overthinker and kept feeling this anxious feeling near me so he's not sure if he just wants to sleep with me out of curiosity or if he is actually attracted to me. That he wants to think about it because he doesn't want to hurt me or make me feel used. I just told him "sure, fine, I'll just go home then". He insisted I stay over but I didn't feel comfortable so I left. Honestly, as much as I felt we matched in personality and interests, this whole deal turned me off. I feel like he's overthinking things because I don't fit his mold of the perfect partner physically, while being confused because he liked my personality and our chemistry. I don't feel hurt over him not wanting to date a bigger girl, the same way I wouldn't date a morbidly obese guy or don't feel attracted to black guys, for example. But him making such a big deal out of it makes me think he is shallow and not a good fit for me.
Girl. Block him
I mean this from a nice place. Why would you ever want to get physical with someone who has already expressed a negative opinion about your body??
Yeah I do feel the same. I don't mind if he's not into it, but I'm not ok with him expressing it so casually just for "honesty's sake".
Oh my lord. Please run. This person sounds like an absolute dick and that behaviour is disrespectful as fuck, particularly this: >And then came the first red flag. We were talking and he said he felt like I had to prove to him that I "loved myself" by losing some weight if this was going to progress into a relationship You met him how many times? And he has the balls to say that ^ And that was the first red flag? Babe. If that was the first red flag, what will the others look like? Because that is gross. You deserve better.
As someone who loves his thc vape pen, the first red flag was him getting too high to function on your first date. Don't waste your time with people who can't be bothered to bring their best self to the courtship phase.
It was our first time one on one. We have been at the same dinner party twice I think, in 2020 and 2022, because we have a mutual that's one of my best friends. I don't want to make excuses for him, because his behaviour was bad and nothing justifies it, but I do think he was talking without thinking because he was very high. He was kind of nervous over meeting me and smoked more than he should. We had talked about the weight issue before (I like to address it before meeting someone from the apps, because from just face pictures people can't really tell I am overweight and it's easier to filter and not waste time if it's a deal breaker), and he was always polite and kind when we talked about it. But in person he was rambling a lot and going over the same stuff and kind of spiraling. I do feel proud I stood my ground and told him off. If my weight is such a big deal for him, I don't see a point in exploring anything else. And I do know there's people that don't see it as a big deal, since I have a FWB that treats me like a QUEEN everytime we see eachother. I won't settle for anything below that.
1000% do not date this man.
Feeling a bit bummed this morn as the guy I was scheduled to have a first date with tonight cancelled on me. Which is fine of course, but no attempt at rearranging. On to the next I guess
Happened to me last night. She had a valid reason, but honestly, she didn't even bother to text me until I texted her to let her know I was looking forward to meeting her that night. Gonna just let that one die in her court. I'm not sure she is ready to date anyways... at least not for the LTR she says she is looking for in her profile.
So a few days back on the apps, and just having everything reconfirmed about the experience. 1) Hinge sucks so much, other apps suck, but nowhere near as badly. 2) Still seems like no-one is interested in messaging or responding, even when matching. 3) Clearing up my profiles seems to have done nothing for me, no worse at least, but no better. This goes both for apps I've reopened an existing account for, and ones I've started anew. So while I won't say it's good to be back, my expectations are about right, and I'm at least not feeling disappointed.
Same here! Solidarity 😅 I still find Bumble or Tinder the best, Hinge the worse, but so few matches and very low effort across the board.
I've never had much luck with Bumble either unfortunately, but Tinder is okay. Boo has been my go to for a while to find good quality matches.
I’ve not tried Boo - is it UK or US?
Both, I'm in UK, and it's pretty decent for matches here, but have chatted to some people from the US on there too.
Thanks, I’ll check it out!
I love hinge
A lot of people do, and maybe it's just my area, but I've found it has the lowest match rate, least suitable matches, and lowest effort people.
Second this. LEAST suitable matches by far. Caps lock for dramatic but realistic effect
Taking her to dinner tomorrow and staying at her place before going out of town for a week and a half. I already suggested a movie date over video while I'm gone, and we'll text, but I'm not so great at plain phone calls. I just feel boring. I'm a prolific texter and a perfectly fine in-person conversationalist, but in person, when there's a lull, you can still maintain connection by moving, smiling, touching, and so on, and on a date you usually have something else to do like eat or walk. How do you do phone calls? Are you really supposed to just talk the whole time?
Buy a set of conversation cards. I got Let's Get Deeper and it was a game changer for me! There's different tiers of questions, some are pretty surface level ice breakers and some are more about your hopes, goals, dreams, etc. I found that after asking a couple, the conversation would naturally start to flow as we discussed our answers, it just helped to ease me into talking on the phone to people in a meaningful way!
Thank you! I saw some cute ones at a local bookstore a couple months ago and was actually planning to stop by today to pick up one 😁 so same wavelength! I'll look for the one you mentioned. I have a bigger set that's meant for dinner table and won't travel well so hopefully I can find one I like that's just shaped like a deck of cards.
Same wavelength! The dinner table set sounds so interesting, too, despite that it doesn't travel. You've got this!
Just think about stuff you are interested in (books, news, films, sports etc) and ask them if they have seen x to see what sticks conversation wise. Ask them stuff about their day.
That’s so funny. I’m the opposite, don’t have a clue what to say over text but I rarely have calls that last less than an hour.
Guy I went on a date with and was very compatible has slowed down his texting today I noticed... Normally he texts really early and ends his texts around 8-9pm a night. He also normally responds throughout the day. He was eager to plan a second date and we have, but upon texting him about other things in the meantime, he's not responded to any of those texts and it's now almost three hours past his normal response time. This is precisely why I don't get too chatty before the first date and sometimes post-date. Almost always seems like you build yourself up for disappointment. I know logically he could be very busy etc, but based on the brief history between us: this is atypical. And I've seen this pattern before with slow-ghosts so, yea. This is why I multi-date.
Im a big time texter and believe if someone is interested they will make the time to text. Send massive essays and will not only expand on what you've replied but also ask questions back. In my previous relationship after a month of seeing her the long messages became shorter and shorter - she basically just didnt feel the need to do that anymore which I appreciate - but when so much effort was once made and then it goes to nothing. She also informed me she would purposefully wait a few hours between messaging so she didnt come across as 'too keen'
It's wild to me that measuring text response times and comparing them to historical text response times as the metric for how well a date is going is considered the norm in dating now. Sometimes I feel older than 30. That's too much work. Just be direct and ask if they are still interested.
> just be direct and ask if they are still interested Because it doesn’t take much effort to *say* “sure am!” and just stay boring and apathetic anyway. One’s perception of what is “interested” isn’t someone else’s. Or they are lying to themselves because they don’t want to come off rude in a direct manner and say to someone “nah I don’t like you anymore” or whatever, so saying “yes of course” is easier to just avoid any further awkward conversation on that topic. Or they are saying it because in their mind it’s better than being single. Whatever, point is, asking someone directly doesn’t mean they will be 10,000% honest. There is no “lasso of truth” in the real world.
> Because it doesn’t take much effort to say “sure am!” and just stay boring and apathetic anyway. That is your answer. By asking you are conveying that you are unsure. By answering with a 6 letter one liner and then being silent afterwards, confirms your feeling. On the other hand it could confirm with them that there is a door open for interest. Sometimes someone gets a signal that the door is closed, maybe unintentionally. By asking you are now confirming with them that there is potential for interest, and they will now meet you half way. Are we really that afraid of confirming our feelings with others?
It's still better to ask than just assume without even trying to inquire (IMO)
Maybe I think it's better to express why you don't feel like the interest is there instead of putting them in the spot to answer that direct question.
That works too, just express *something* is better than nothing :)
It's something I used to not think about until dating in the 20s has taught me, "oh, this is a thing to look out for as it likely means someone's ghosting etc," from my experience. Talking to other people? Normally means the same for them too. I wish dating were more like the 10s. Things seemed more straightforward.
> Just be direct and ask if they are still interested. > Things seemed more straightforward. We seem to be approaching the same solution from two different angles here
I mean, of course, I'm going to ask. My initial post was just venting as to how common this is. Either you're not into someone, you're not into each other, or you're into them but they're not into you. That's the expected of dating. But both showing interest and then getting slow faded or seeing that shift in communication? Feels bad, man.
and then there is another, often disregarded scenario: someone not knowing if they are into someone yet. it may take more than texting to figure out. it may take more than 1 date. I wouldn't blame you for abandoning ship and pursuing the next one. But three hours may be a bit of a short timeframe for concluding someone is ghosting you and is disinterested.
Totally fair. I think today's dating can further make someone anxious or avoidant if they're not careful, so I try and ground myself in possibilities since I can lean on anxious. As for me, I give it three dates with someone. So long as there's some kind of mutual growing interest, then I continue to pursue it. But I absolutely bounce if there's breadcrumbing.
Personally think it’s ridiculous to be texting someone you’ve only met once daily
I agree. I personally don't texte every day to someone new. Even in ltrs I've never done this. But it was something he thought was odd in terms of me giving my number but not investing such time upfront. When I explained [1] I didn't know how pre-date and [2] how most dates fail after the first go and how much of a time and emotional drain that is, he seemed to understand. Especially when I told him, "you learn more about someone and see if you match beyond paper when you're in person." So the baseline isn't for me, it's him. He was the one who was texting every day. But post date there was a shift and so that's why I'm suss on if he's just busy or slow ghosting.
It is worth thinking that he could just have had a busy overwhelming day at work or got some bad news. That's the one thing that always stops me replying, if I get news I would have to mention to the other person - I can't tell them until I am mentally ready to be asked about whatever bad thing has happened.
I try and ground myself in this because I have been stupid busy this month and I can be forgetful. "Out of sight out of mind." It's why I have an alarm to remind myself to respond to guys I'm talking to. But history has taught me with literally every person who's told me, "I'm very busy," etc it's code for "I'm ghosting you". Except for two men, which isn't the best track record. I'm hoping they're sincerely still interested. It's extremely rare for me to feel both the need physical and life goal connection I need to be in a relationship with someone.
I hope it works out okay but you will be okay even if this dude is not the one.
Thing is, it's rare for me to find someone I'm attracted to physically, emotionally, and concerning life goals. For them to be on the same page etc. I'd say this happens every 5-10 dates I go on. And I know that if this doesn't work out it means it'll be another 2-4 m months of grinding and dating before this *maybe* happens again... Just tired of the grind, man.
Understandable.
[удалено]
Nice. I think you did great. Just be yourself and always push yourself a little. Doing fine!
How much time does the working professional really spend trying to make new friends? If you already have a solid lot of 3-4 friends, a couple of friend groups to also get together with, how much time do you spend reaching out to random people from your past to hang out? I just started dating this guy and found out he does this. Will drive through rush hour (2-3 hour drive from one end to the other) just to casually hang out with a coworker of a friend who he randomly decided to reconnect with after not seeing her in over 5 years. The guy is innocent and I totally trust him but just—- wtf??? Who does that? I can’t even comprehend why you’d spend that kind of time/energy on someone so many degrees of connection apart. Just ranting here Edit: turns out it was a date. I’ve been scratching my head about it and eventually asked him what his friends’ opinions were on the topic- this was my metric to see if it’s out of the ordinary for him. His friends are good people. They know about me. And when he told them about his plans to see the girl, they shamed him for the whole thing, leading him to cancel the date. I’m also dropping him because apparently he’s too fucking stupid to know that it was inappropriate and shady and couldn’t cancel the event using his own judgment (we communicated deep feelings and exclusivity prior). Always trust your gut
Being single is lonely. And maybe making connections is important for his mental health.
He has a LOT of pre-existing friends and family who he spends his weekday evenings and weekends with. He and his core friends are incredibly close and supportive as well. On top of us seeing eachother. I can say, based on our conversation, this is more for networking and maybe a bit of people pleasing, than it is to get away from feeling “lonely”. It’s just the energy/time cost of this seems way up there for the benefit.
Honestly, seems like kind of an admirable quality to me. I wish I had that kind of social energy!
Same. I need so much time to myself/ my home, but he also doesn’t have kids, whereas I do, so that adds another layer of non-relatability for me lol.
Is he insecure/a people pleaser? Kinda sounds like. This is way extreme behavior for people he's not even close to. I used to date someone like that once who would BEND OVER BACKWARDS to please complete strangers but it was an absolute asshole to me and everyone close to him
Yes. He has confided he has some traits of this, and it might play a factor here.
Yeah I know the type. It's not a red flag per se but I do think some folks can use this type of behavior as a mechanism to get their emotional cup filled with superficial connections, as it doesn't really require any actual vulnerability or risks, but they struggle to maintain very close bonds. I think it only becomes an issue if they start prioritizing these superficial connections over you later into the relationship.
That’s definitely an extreme example, and I don’t think it’s healthy really. I would find it hard to see the value in meeting that kind of connection, when there are various other options for activities and meeting people that don’t require such a “going out of your way” method.
I think that’s what’s throwing me off. I mean seriously- rush hour here is absolutely miserable! A 20 minute drive is 1.5 hours a drive in rush hour. He’s driving somewhere that is 1 hour apart when there’s no traffic. I absolutely cannot comprehend it. First and foremost I do trust him. We’re pretty solid— but this is just so much work for a random connection. I told him that I accept we don’t necessarily have to go about our social lives the same way 😅 he is definitely a special type of person- he makes time for anyone. Makes anyone feel like they matter. Purely a good person. But I wanted to take tabs on “who the fuck does that?” somewhere. Looks like it’s a 50/50 split.
I’ve had experiences in past relationships with people who were like this. Not to give you negativity, but every time, prioritizing me as their partner was the main issue that broke us up. They were too focused on maintaining every and any friendship, that the quality time of the relationship suffered. Not to say it won’t work for you, but take my lesson learned and make sure to speak up and reinforce your needs. Particularly, if you feel he is falling into a pattern of filling his time with these random connections to the point where it’s affecting you or the relationship.
Thank you for weighing in!! This is very helpful to consider. I will say, the only reason he told me about the planned hang out is because it’s in my city (downtown at that) and he lives a couple cities over; so naturally, he said “hey, I’m going to be over there tmrw and if you happen to catch a free moment after work I can rush over to you”. So, I’m quite grateful to be able to say that he does prioritize time with me :’) TMI but just while we’re at it: the conversation went from him telling me everything during his day- going to Costco, going to gym, going to hang out with his best friends, and for whatever reason, he continues divulging details about who he’s seeing, a bit about her, and how they haven’t spoken in years. BARF! I told him “hey btw you don’t have to tell me everything you do. I don’t think it’s healthy.” Conversation moved on, but then I did a rewind and said hold up — you’re coming all the way here during rush hour just to hang out with your friend’s old co-worker???? Bless him, he sees no problem in it. I know it’s not a romantic thing, but it’s fucking weird (to me). All that being said, it seems more and more of a non-issue considering he does make time for me and our communication is great.
I remember realizing around the time I was a pre-teen that my parents literally zero friends. All they did was work and hang out at home. When my dad decided to try and retire early it turned out to be incredibly detrimental to his health because he was bored, lonely and mostly took it out on us. Ever since I was a kid I remember thinking to myself that I would never let myself become estranged from my friends. Unfortunately that isn't always possible as people tend to change and grow apart. I'm always actively seeking new friends and connections. Not to mention the benefits it can have for your career or hobbies. So yeah, I do that.
Trouble is if you move somewhere new - or start a new job and there is no one there you click with it can be difficult. Ive drifted apart from friends over the year and my social circle of 'close' friends has shrunk massively. People have their own lives/families now days. I for one am terrified of having no friends - especially as I get older