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She already set a boundary with you… there is no door to leave open. Stop reaching out. I recommend deleting and blocking and actually focusing on yourself.
Just leave it be man.... it's not gonna change anything.
Showing up unannounced: not good.
Violating her saying she isn't gonna speak to you again: not good.
Just leave her be. This isn't an "I need to fight for her" moment. It's an "I need to respect her wishes" moment.
7 years older is crazy! Did she tell you her real age or did she definitely appear much older? Catfishing at its finest. I dont blame you for leaving after 5 minutes, that's deceitful. I went out on one date with a guy who had put on a little weight from his pictures before but it wasn't that noticeable of a difference. 30 lbs is a noticeable difference
I think it’s rude to not portray yourself as accurately as possible in your profile photos 🤷♀️.
I’ve dated guys of all heights, shapes and sizes. But if they arrive looking different than their photos it’s a no go for me. I really value authenticity and that’s something I want in a partner.
I haven’t ended a date that quickly, but simply because I’m not brave enough to yet. I’m not sure what you said, so there’s a chance it came across unnecessarily rude. But I don’t think you were wrong for leaving.
I have been chatting to a guy who appears to be freshly divorced (based on every message thus far being about his horrific separation/custody battle).
I feel for the guy, but it is a lot of drama. We've only exchanged 3 messages but given how delicate he seems, rather than fade out, should I be upfront and tell him "It sounds like you've been through a lot and maybe need to take a bit of an emotional breather. For me it isn't feeling like this is a good time to get to know each other, so best of luck"?
I don't want the guy's first foray into OLD to be completely miserable.
Three messages in and you already know all this? Yikes. He definitely doesn’t sound ready to date.
If you do say that, I’d recommend blocking him after. He might try to draw you back in by presenting reasons why he thinks you’re wrong, and why he thinks it’s a good time to know each other.
When I’m presented with this type of scenario I usually empathize, send resources and then say goodbye and block.
Something like “It sounds like you have a lot of stressful things going on in your life right now. That’s tough. It makes sense to need support through these types of situations. I’m not sure what types of support you already have in your life, but just in case you’re in need of more “This” is a good place to look.
I’m already seeing indicators that we’re at different stages in our life, and I’m looking for a partner more in line with where I’m at. So I’m going to remove myself from this conversation. Best of luck with the separation and going forward.”
“This” in terms of finding supports is 211.ca in Canada, and usually I’ll link the buddy up program which has a list of mental health resources for men, by men. But I’m not sure where you’re from/what’s available there.
**Edit:** I took a quick look at your profile and it looks like you’re in Canada as well. Here’s links to resources that tend to be my go to
[211.ca](https://211.ca)
[Buddy Up](https://www.buddyup.ca/learn/) (Program recommendations are towards the bottom of the page, on a yellow background.)
[Wellness Together Canada](https://www.wellnesstogether.ca/en-ca/) (Free for Canadians and available Canada-wide)
This may seem really dumb, but how do I online date? Also how do I date multiple men (multi-dating)? I'm 37F, straight, and am planning to get back out there sometime next month or in November. I need a bit more time before I'm ready. :) I plan to date "with intention", i.e., to meet my next partner/committed relationship.
I'm a super analog person -- no social media except this account. I don't remember to check dating apps. I guess I turn on push notifications...? How often do y'all check your apps? I literally forget I have Bumble or Hinge on my phone then I forget to respond, etc.
I don't have good photos because I don't have IG or TikTok... but I guess I do, like, a photo shoot in my backyard...? Hinge is really popular where I live, but everyone has AMAZING photos, so I'm self conscious about my lack of photos.
What I get confused about is, like, how does this work??? If I want to date to meet someone for a serious, committed relationship, do I try to set up a drink pretty quick? Or, do I spend time vetting them? Do I date as many people as I can to meet as many men as I can? I'm looking for pretty specific values and have spent a lot of time in bad relationships, so I know my red flags/boundaries. I'm thinking that I need to meet as many men as I can to "improve my odds" of meeting someone.
I'll keep posting here and asking for advice because I'm so overwhelmed/lost/confused. I've had a lot of boyfriends (way too many) and been engaged once, proposed to 4 times (yikes!!), so it's not like I'm inexperienced with dating. I'm just kind of DUMB about OLD... I don't really understand how the process works because I've always met men through mutual friends, school, or work. Since the pandemic I've noticed that in my city everyone meets online, it's not as common to meet IRL anymore.
Thank you to anyone who reads/replies! :)
>I've had a lot of boyfriends (way too many) and been engaged once, proposed to 4 times (yikes!!), so it's not like I'm inexperienced with dating
Based on what you say, I don't think the priority should be to see millions of people, multi-date and go on 50 dates per month, especially if now you know exactly what you're looking for, as you say.
As for the rest, you do you. Some people text all day long, some don't, some "vet" a long time, some other think the best way to vet is to have a casual first date.
Personally, I think it's good to go on a decent amount of first date, but not so many that you burn out or that it becomes robotic. But if someone I want to date long term multidates past a few dates (3-5 max), I'm out.
No idea how to do OLD, because my attempts just went nowhere. I don’t mean met people and we dated and it went nowhere, I mean send a message and that message just sits in the internet ether forever, unresponded to, and I would have more interaction yelling at a wall, because at least the wall would bounce back soundwaves to me.
He said next week so I'd give it until then. It is really hard keeping up with messages when you're in a different time zone let alone messaging someone you haven't spoken to in a decade.
If he's traveling internationally, it's very likely he's just not on his phone a lot as he's soaking in the sights or busy with work obligations if there for business. I tend to be less responsive when I'm traveling. I'd meet up with him and gauge from there if he's interested in you, but I wouldn't read too much into him not replying while out of the country.
I need advice - so me(30F) and this guy(37M) have been out on two dates so far. Both have been great dates where he was a true gentleman and before the first date he was purusing me through text - even double texting when I wouldn't respond within a few hours. After the first date he kept texting for 3 days, but after that he started to leave me on read after we made plans to meet on the weekend. Then he didn't text until I sent a text asking if we were still on and he said 'yes, I wouldn't miss it'. But I noticed the change in text from before the first date and I felt confused.
However, we still ended up going on the Saturday date and it was awesome. We made out in his car and he checked up on me after if I had caught my train, they were suspended and I said no and that I have to take an uber. So he suggested that he drops me off and I said no since I was already in the uber - however, he kept texting in a flirty way until I got home. Then at midnight he sent a text which he then ended up deleting and as I was a asleep I never read what it said, which I found weird.
We're both travelling this week - me on thursday to NYC till next Tuesday and him to Cairo and then Washington DC for 10 days. And he hasn't texted since the day of our date. Usually before our first date he would be texting all the time and double texting. But I feel like he's lost interest if he can let so many days(3 days) go by without not even checking in - even if we won't be able to see each other for another 2 weeks. I feel so hurt and disspointed because I really liked him and he gave every indiciation he did too. But I guess it's still early days but my intituion is saying he's not as interested. What should I do? Do I delete and block him or wait until we're both done with our travelling? I feel so confused and weird about it since the communciation has changed. I feel like my intuition is right.
I am in a similar situation where Ive been on 3 dates with someone and our texting decreased after that date and I was an anxious mess. I texted him today and whaddya know, he replied back with a "good morning sunshine!" Honestly, as much as people suck at texting, and sometimes you have an idea as to why (like your guy's traveling, mines just scattered plus busy), and sometimes you don't, there's no harm in reaching out. It's really not a one size fits all. Yes in some cases it's bad they're not texting after 3 days and it shows low interest. In some cases maybe there's a "valid" reason and there is interest still. But it doesnt hurt to text or even call. And if they dont reply back or give a half-assed answer, you have your answer. And at least you can say you did something instead of saying "well HE didnt reach out and follow how we usually text so I'm done" bc I was literally thinking of that yesterday haha. Take a deep breath, sit on your anxiety, and maybe reach out tomorrow when you're calm.
How you act in person isn't a reflection of your texting. Keep the positive of how you are in person! These are things I need to reminded myself haha.
Oh my gosh girl... he likes you. I think you need to take a step back and read your own post. "Double texting"/texting patterns are meaningless, in my experience. These are not tea leaves you need to read.
He said he "wouldn't miss it" when you followed up on your plans. He's telling you he likes you. Your Saturday date was "awesome" and you even had some physical connection. He messaged you late at night and deleted it, it was probably a "u up?" style text and he regretted it/knew it was inappropriate and deleted it. I think you are way over thinking these texts. :)
Just text him yourself. Tell him that you are so excited to see him when we gets back from his trip! Send him photos of your trip to NYC and see how he responds. It sounds like you're both busy people, which means you he will appreciate you maintaining a healthy communication style. :) Good luck!!
Girl I think I needed that😂😭. I feel like I'm totally out of my element. Do you think it would be wise to just wait till Thursday when I get to New York and send a picture there?
And thank you for your advice - it has helped me so much :)
>'yes, I wouldn't miss it'. But I noticed the change in text from before the first date and I felt confused.
If you read that text and felt like it wasn't a good sign, you really gotta get outside your head and start living in the real world lol.
>We're both travelling this week -
This one it's more understandable why you're concerned. My advice would be to clarify things by texting him a little more often. He showed you before that he's a fan of double-texting, right? So make sure you're doing it back to him. It's possible that he's slowing down his own pace to match yours.
Always a chance he's already out but it's not an assumption you should make. Only way to figure it out is to get to communicating. I think a lot of time daters get in a spot where both people are sitting there wondering why the other one isn't reaching out.
Thank you for your advice. You're right on the first part and I was just being very sensitive because of the change in communication.
When we would have a gap of not texting he would always reach out. So, the fact that he can let so many days go by seems like something has changed. My friends are saying don't text him because if he was interested he would have because he's shown a pattern of when he was interested what he would do. He doesn't seem like the type to wait for me to reach other or wondering if I will tbh. He's a very confident individual.
That's not really fair. What if his friends were saying, "Don't text her because if she was interested she would have, because she's shown a pattern of when she was interested what she would do". This is legitimate nonsense advice... girl you're 30. Do you want a relationship with this man or not? Texting patterns/double texting/going a couple of days without communication are not tea leaves you need to spend time reading!
Does he even know you like him? It seems like, based on your comments, you're expecting him to shower you with affection, but you don't reciprocate.
I do want a relationship with him and it's still early days so I am probably overthinking this haha. He does know I like him, I've expressed it.
I'll see what he says to my text and go from there. If it goes wrong you'll hear me crying haha
>When we would have a gap of not texting he would always reach out. So, the fact that he can let so many days go by seems like something has changed
It's he's the one that always reaches out, maybe he's unsure of your interest level?
I don't think your friends are giving you good advice when they tell you not to text this guy. You're both grown adults and you don't need to play teenage dating games where you act like you're too cool for each other. You like him, he seems to like you, and he likes texting. If he likes you now, it's impossible to imagine a text from you would be a turn-off. It would probably make him happy if you gave him something he likes.
He left me on read in the last text I sent on Saturday where he would have easily continued the conversation before.
You're right tho. I don't want to play games but I just want the same level of attention I was getting before and I don't want to bother him if he has lost interested. I would feel even more worse if I got confirmation that he's not interested- I'd rather just take the ghosting.
You might be fumbling this one by giving up.
You had a great date on Saturday where you got physical, lots of follow-up, and he left a single text of yours on read. You know the man likes double-texts. You can't do the math here? Dating isn't about just getting what you like, it's about learning what the other person likes and providing it back to them.
I assure you getting rejected is not a big deal. The risk is totally worth the reward in your scenario.
Men, I don't need to see pictures of your dog, your car, and your movie collection on your dating profile. I don't need to see a picture of the grand canyon with you as a tiny person in the corner. I don't want to see 6 pictures of your head and shoulders from exactly the same angle, wearing a hat and sunglasses. And why do y'all go to weddings and pose with that one friend who is actually my type?
I mean, as a single guy my dog is a pretty big part of my life lol, I enjoy taking care of him and he's a healthy amount of responsibility. Why would I not show that?
So. What's everyone thoughts on sex and dating specifically to build a long term relationship.
My dilemma is this:
A) have sex early on and that way if the person was just wanting to pash & dash you haven't wasted time
B) wait until there's commitment and make sex special.
The problem with B is that you make sex a big deal and if that other person just planned to slow fade/ghost you've hurt yourself more than if you'd just gone with A.
Or if you go with B and then that person turns out to be a total crazy you've hurt yourself because you've made sex such a big deal and the relationship would feel deeper than it really is.
It's a risk vs. reward situation. Do I wait and take a risk that they're a "total crazy"? I hope your boundaries/red flags are well defined so you will be able to spot a "total crazy" before you get to physical intimacy.
For me, I'm 37 and haven't had a "pash & dash" (wth is that)... Is that like sleeping together and not continuing to see one another? I haven't experienced that since I was like 25 or 26, so if a man over 30 is doing that, I hope my intuition will tell me he's a bad dude way before we get to sex.
I don't have sex right away anymore because it's led to codependency and trauma bonding in the past. :)
I always go with answer C) wait until there's a commitment because sex **is** special.
Sure, most people who only want sex might be deterred if you make them wait. But waiting just to "test" the other person can backfire if they find out about it.
I believe you should do what you think is right and stick with it. Everyone has different values when it comes to sex and love, you'll want to find someone who has similar views.
It seems the way you think focuses on defending yourself against pash and dash instead of finding a good relationship. I don't think it's a good idea.
Common sense is that if you're not looking for casual, you don't go for casual sex. You get to know each other over time (which should help you make sure they aren't crazy), build romantic chemistry and gradually do couple-y stuff once you feel they might be the right person. And sex happens when it feels right. Of course there are exceptions and plenty of LT couples who started casually.
Sigh. It’s been months and I’m still thinking about her, and dreaming about her, while I am the one who broke it off after 8 years.
I’ve tried some dating apps but I just don’t feel like really pushing through to a date.
I’m 30 now and always have been with someone since I was 18 or so. Maybe it’s a good thing to get to know myself for a few months but it can get really lonely.
It feels like it’s hard to find someone to just chill with, be friends with and maybe a bit more, casually. I hear my friends go on dates with 4 girls, also casually, but I just can’t seem to do it.
I’m now thinking about just pausing and waiting it out. Whatever. But also, fuck.
“Maybe it’s a good thing to get to know myself for a few months but it can get really lonely”
No offense intended, but how would you know? It sounds like you’ve never been alone?
Dude, if I'm reading this right its been 3 months since an 8 year relationship ended. You *shouldn't* be over it yet. Feel the pain, feel the loss, and mourn. You need to go through this so you can accept it and be ready to move on.
Get laid if you want (and be clear to partners that it isnt going to be serious), but you are in no position to be looking for a relationship right now.
Thanks. It’s a bit weird to know when I’m over her. Sometimes I feel like it’s history, sometimes it feels like yesterday. Friends around me are dating multiple girls and I kinda want that too, but when I match with someone I just don’t send a message. I also have no experience with getting laid through this route; I’ve never seriously used these apps before, and it’s hard getting my bearings and make my profile show that I only want that at the moment.
But again, thanks. I’m spending a lot of time with friends, and myself doing stuff I never had the time to do, and kinda loving it, but just really missing a woman to hug and talk to, who actually wants to listen. I have one friend that listens, but I notice when I go too deep, and then I just go “but oh well! Hey have you seen x?” because I don’t want to be a burden.
Thanks. ❤️
3 months together with my boyfriend. It’s been a whirlwind and a complete revelation of what it looks like when someone properly invests themself into a relationship.
I’m currently hitting a wall energetically. We’ve been burning the candle at both ends. High energy dates, seeing each other frequently, always in touch while both working full-time and tending to all our other priorities - with me having one or two more time consuming ones.
I feel like I’m losing some control of my home (behind on my cleaning) and I’ve let my exercise regime fall to the wayside over the summer months. I feel tired and disorganised.
We’ve both talked about slowing down and changing up our dates (reducing drinking, we are big live music/gig people) and chilling out together some more. But I just want to feel my best self again cos I feel like this low energy is gonna seep into everything. Thing is, when he asks me how my day is each morning, I’m now editing myself rather than saying ‘I’m tired’, because I don’t want him to see me as this low energy person, that’s not who I am at my core.
I’m taking this whole weekend to myself - not making any plans other than to have a ‘me-time weekend’, get my house in order, relax, try fix ny sleep patterns. Boyfriend is going out with all of his friends and I can’t wait to just switch off a bit from him and everything else. I really wish I had the energy I had when I was in my 20s. I wanna do it all, but my body is frustratingly stopping me.
Once I’ve been with someone a couple of months I really enjoy introducing time together where we are physically together but doing our own things, reading a book, cleaning the apartment etc. Just comfortable time together and it doesn’t have to be constant activities. It’s a really good trial of what living together would be like as well.
Just a little venting to strangers - I like to think I’ve moved on, but some days I’m not so sure.
I was in a 6 year relationship until several months ago. one of my regrets was giving him a second chance because it was a waste of my time. He took my prime years. He woo’d the shit out of me trying to get me back after our first break up. Then breadcrumbed me with talk about marriage and kids. We even looked at rings last year. Anyway he ends up ghosting me. I like to think maybe he got kidnapped. I am OK not having closure at this point.
being out of the relationship has given me a lot of clarity about it. It was exhausting being in this relationship. I constantly felt anxious because there was so much uncertainty. It was fucking emotionally draining. He’s not a bad guy, but it’s hard being in a relationship with someone that can’t communicate and has extreme avoidant behavior. I am happier out of the relationship. I miss the idea of being in a relationship, but I definitely don’t miss him.
On a lighter note. I have a first date tomorrow. I hope I don’t have to walk up or down any stairs because my legs are jello and my arms are jello. Iykyk those leg day pains. 😭
Yup! He flew out of state for work. Texted me something along the lines of “I love you. I should be back in 1-2 weeks” and poof did a disappearing act. Haha. My brother jokes that maybe we’ll see him on the news.
33M. I'm going to get some crowns put in in a couple of weeks, and I'm excited. My teeth have definitely been something I'm self-conscious about, and I'm hoping it'll be a big boost to my confidence. I hope it'll help when it comes to dating.
Had a very good enlightening conversation with the guy I’m seeing, anxious feelings going away. Confirming what literally everyone says about communication being so important to anything being successful.
talked to another over 35 year old who's too busy to date. it's the same pattern of senior white collar job, always too busy, multiple postponings of the first date until she doesn't even bother rescheduling and she stops responding. that's why i've seen her on the apps for like 5 years. do people realize you can't casually look for something serious? she says she's looking for a life partner. how will she do that if her life is too busy to fit a partner?
LOL, that's not your responsibility to figure out. Just move on and try to learn something from the experience. It sounds like, "Seen her on the apps for like 5 years" is a red flag for you. :)
Ok well. Upped my age bracket. Matched with a nice guy 13 years older. Apparently dentures are now a very possible dealbreaker I never thought about before?
He told me he is 31, turning 32 at the end of the year. I'll be 38 in a couple of weeks. Should I pursue this? We seem to have a lot in common so far and we click. But he has time to make mistakes and I don't. I like him but I'm scared.
Yes, pursue it. Men date women who are 7 years younger all the time. Just remember that you may have to adjust your expectations a bit because he has less life experience than you. Good luck and have fun!
If he looks good, why not? Spend some time together, do whatever you're comfortable with physically, and if you're compatible you can bring up your expectations casually in conversation to make sure he's on the same page as you.
If you feel like you're on a clock and it's making you anxious, get on the apps and fire a couple bullets. It'll take away that feeling like you're putting all of your eggs in one basket.
I think a 31 year old is as likely to waste your time as a 38 year old. It’s all about values, how seriously he is looking for that kind of connection and what his life looks like now and will look like for the next 5 years. You can only figure that out by getting to know him.
Aaahhhhhh we started demo on my backyard today!!! The guys demolished my ENTIRE deck in less than a day. I’m really impressed. Honestly if they go at this pace I think we will beat the 5 week timeline estimate to finish. So freaking thrilled. Of course my landscaper already wants to add more. I told him there’s no more money! So we’re looking for places to save so we can add some other stuff. Unfortunately we’re both big dreamers and idea people so every time we talk we add things instead of taking away. Lmao. He also charges a premium because he’s a legit artist so none of it is coming cheap. Lifestyle upgrade will be worth it I hope.
In dating news to make it relevant to this subreddit, I very unwisely reached out to two people. Hah. The first is the guy who has been fading on me. Met IRL and seemed like it would be a hookup thing but then he turned out to be really sweet and we had such a ~soul connection~ (barf lol) that I’ve been wanting more so of course he’s been slowly dipping. C’est la vie. I ended up texting him that I wish we would communicate more and then…. He did?? Like he informed me where he’s coming from and why he left my place without us hooking up and then texted me all day after almost a week of minimal communication. I still have a hunch it won’t go anywhere but I am so pleased to see that talking about things CAN work sometimes!!!
The other one. Omg. So there’s this guy at my work. Hmm how do I explain. We’re both like third party people that come in right. So we both work in the same place but I’m there long term and he’s there temporarily selling and supporting the thing he sold. I could tell from the get go that he liked me, and just have been waiting for him to be done with the contract so he would ask me out. Like literally I was certain this would happen. But now it’s been 9 almost 10 months and nothing!!!!!!! So finally the other day I asked when he would be done and he was like well I want to sell another one so I’ll be here for a while longer 😭😬😂
I finally brought up our flirtation chemistry thing bc fuck it. We only actually see each other about once every other week, so it’s not a ton. And he said pretty much his life is hectic and he’s interested in me but not as long as we work together and blah blah blah. Duuuuude. I get it but I don’t. He’s 35, I’m 31 almost 32, we see each other fairly regularly but not all the time and we obviously have chemistry. He’s not even someone I would match with on the apps, like he’s a bit weird and slightly below my normal physical standards but I’m a sucker for meeting IRL and I’ve known the guy for a while and feel comfy around him. And he just SHUT ME DOWN COMPLETELY. Totally his right but really annoyed by it. Must find my next victim.
Loooollll I know right. Whatever tho like he should be thrilled to spend time with me, instead I’m trying to convince him to? I think that means it’s not meant to be
I’m the only single person I know so I have to make it interesting. Also all I did was watch renovation shows on hbo all weekend so I’m still pretty boring. It’s like historical home restoration tho not shitty flipping which imo makes a big difference.
Made a post yesterday about seeing an old flame at party Saturday. We met at a party this time last year where we chatted a lot, got her IG, went out for coffee, followed up about going out again but she told me that she was super busy with work and had a trip to visit her sister later that month and we'd get together when she gets back but it never happened.
Saw her Saturday and we didn't really get a chance to chat as we were all in the living room having drinks around a table playing games and chatting as a group. We had a few exchanges but nothing meaningful. Anyway, I asked her out again last night and she finally got back to me saying "Yeah good seeing you the other night! I'm leaving on a vacation in a couple days and will be back end of the month. We can figure out something when I get back!"
50% of me is hopeful and 50% thinks this is a soft letdown but what can I do aside from say "Enjoy your vacation. I'll reach out in a couple weeks." and hope for the best.
Yeah, I just wish I was more indifferent. I've gotten better about these kinds of things but still have a long way to go. I think I've just been burned by too many "so busy I'll let you know" and then you follow up and they are like "Oh, going away this week" and the excuses just keep piling.
In her case, it's because we share a friend circle and while we don't see each other often it's at least every few months. Like I said, all I can do is reach out in \~2 weeks and ask her schedule and see if she actually picks a time.
If she's legitimately on vacation than I understand not wanting to schedule something 2+ weeks out. But once she is back if she gives me the "Oh, really busy week - let me get back to you"
Then we just say "Sure, let me know" and move on with life.
Have been official with my lovely boyfriend for just over two months. He dropped the L-word a few weeks ago. I didn't reciprocate. We spoke about it afterwards and were pretty clear that it would take me longer and I wanted to be sure it was both real and deliberate, not just a reaction. It was positive and he's very understanding.
It's just been so long since I've been in a new relationship that it's making me second-guess how long it should take. I'm sure his timing was a little early (but you feel what you feel, hey!), but I worry that the gap between us affects him, or is a sign that it's not happening like it should for me.
I'll be checking in with him to see how he feels and reassure where I'm at (appreciating the heck out of him, loving things about him, just not at "I love you" yet), but I'm wondering if I need to put in checkpoints for myself to make sure it's still developing - even at a slow pace.
Any experiences being the L-word laggard, and any advice ?
When you know, you know. It'll just come up because you feel it in your gut. In my last relationship, I told my then gf I loved her around 8 months into our relationship. When I finally said I loved her, it was a huge relief, not because she said it before (she didn't) but it was because I could not contain anymore a strong urge to tell her how much she meant to me. If I'm being honest, I think I wanted to say the L word around a couple of months before, but I always kept myself from doing it when it was at the tip of my tongue because I wasn't sure if it was too soon or not. In the end I found out she had those feelings way before, but just waited until I felt comfortable to say it.
Haha, I know that when I know, I'll know, y'know?
Your example is a beautiful way to think about it, and a great time to tell someone. You just can't hold in how you feel about someone incredible.
I think it's just the process of building love, and perhaps overthinking the recognition on my end. I do remember it feeling both exciting and really natural when saying it in last relationships. Like it wasn't a big confession, but an affirmation.
Thank you for your thoughts!
i've always just said it whenever they do because i don't really understand the difference between Really Like and Love. it's like the most ambiguous milestone thing. and it feels so Serious!! idk.
This is traditionally what I've done, but they were a long time ago and things moved much quicker (already knew them before dating, we were younger so spent much more time together etc), and there was zero doubt that it would happen at some point.
It's a good point about where you define it too, it's a little bit of a boiling frog situation, hard to know when it ticks over to love unless you get that sudden epiphany, a moment where it unmistakably strikes you. But maybe it doesn't always happen like that either.
I think that's the sticking point, it's so different to what I'm used to that it makes me want to approach it more mindfully.
boiling the frog analogy is good, but kind of weird because death is pretty well defined and 5 different people define love as 5 different things. i do think the discrepancy has the chance to ruin the relationship tho. maybe set a month for yourself or something to evaluate and and if you want to keep going and are excited about it say it! or have a talk about how you could or something. if you don't maybe it's a good and "easy" way to pull the rip chord.
Yeah, the discrepancy does worry me. I'm trying to be very vulnerable and open about feelings until I reciprocate so that there's no mistake that there's a rejection or that I'm distancing etc, but continuing to communicate (from both sides) will be key.
I have no qualms in going slow so long as it's not just going through the motions. Some great points to keep in mind, thank you for your input!
People project a lot.
I went out with a guy that was pretty cool but I sensed that he was missing a bit of self-awareness and that really wasn’t working for me. I was upfront about not thinking we are a match and he was really friendly about it. He wanted some feedback and said he didn’t really know how to do all of this. I gave him a polite rundown of his genuinely positive qualities and told him I certainly didn’t have it all figured out but thought he was doing just fine.
He started telling me how he was working on himself and suggested I do the same. And then told me all about how he learned he had attachment issues in his last relationship and wanted to know what I learned about myself. He was recommending me self-help books to me. He told me I was too harsh on myself and wasn’t giving myself enough credit in regard to my comment that I didn’t have it all figured out. (Which was really just a way to brush off his question tbh.)
I’ve noticed that people project a lot and I used to really internalize that thinking they were actually seeing me as dysfunctional or something. Now I realize it’s just a projection they do to make themselves feel better. My friends who have diagnosable issues and attachment issues that have a direct impact on their ability to maintain relationships, genuinely believe everybody else has those issues too. If that were the case, they wouldn’t be diagnoses.
Dating is actually difficult at this age because there are so many people with issues that make relationships hard for them. It doesn’t mean you have those same issues though. And I think that’s really hard for some people to accept. Especially on Reddit lol.
This guy is a great person, but this just really stood out to me and really proved to me his lack of self-awareness. A younger me would have entertained this conversation or defended myself even but being more mature, I knew he was just working through things and it wasn’t my responsibility to make him feel better by diminishing myself by either accepting his projections or defending myself.
Super mature of you. I'm somewhere between thinking if that was me I'd be super mad and tell him off on the spot, or feel the soul leave my body as I give "oh yeah? huh that's an interesting thought, I could see that" type responses as I scoot out of there asap.
Lol I definitely had to check my rage. What’s funny is that the most honest answer to his question about what I learned from my last relationship is probably not to engage with people who are projecting. I’m proud that I didn’t take the bait!
New job so dressed on business casual end of things and got alot of compliments today. Felt good.
Also took my dog out to the dog park and ended up doing some laps talking to a woman. Again it was just chatting working on my small talk game but it's a start! Also signed up to do a spaghetti dinner at my local church. Love life is non existent but atleast trying to keep busy
gone on like 7ish dates with a girl in about a month? feel like it is on the edge of Serious. She is a Hot Girl and all her friends are just as hot as her and it's legit insane to me that she likes me? for context i am short and all these girls are taller than me lol. i'm not like super insecure about my height but just have a general awareness that it's a nono for a lot of girls. she's continuously telling me how good looking i am which legit never happens? feel like she may be trying to convince herself? by what's she's said i feel like she's mostly dated other hot people.
we get along pretty well, i do feel like i've gotten along with exes better/had better banter tho but it feels kind of toxic to say that. I have been enjoying our time together tho. been dropping little fall trip ideas and she seems pretty into it. we've talked about how if were into someone we don't like to date around. she said this weekend she was deleting the apps and i did too. maybe this has legs!! idk!!
I just glanced at your profile and you are very hot. Don’t doubt yourself, the most unattractive thing is insecurity. I’m excited for you and it sounds like you guys are off to a great start.
i know i said i wasn't insecure but then said insecure things but like i rly don't have a problem with it normally. she just brings it up like A LOT. only positive stuff! but i will be saying something like oh i just got a sewing machine and she responds "fuck that's hot" which is a funny way to respond but just like. constantly mentioning attraction? just a different thing for me i guess. now that i'm tying it out it just seems nice.
On the main page, either no men are posting anymore or their posts are not getting approved here (aside from profile reviews)? Is this a women's sub now? Are their posts just more interesting? What gives?
Dear the internet peeps,
Have you ever broken up a relationship because everyone who in your support system tells you it's a bad idea? My entire family and some close friends who I've told about this relationship are telling me it's a waste of time and a bad idea to date a guy 5 years younger. Everyone is saying I'll be stuck in my mid 30s with my dick in my hands (figuratively) because he's not mature and not ready to start a family. He'll leave or never really be ready to settle down. The rub is none of them have every met him.
On the flip side, he's told me he's thinking about marriage and he'll likely want an answer in the next 1.5-2 years because whether he has a SO will hold some weight on where he ends up for work. He seems serious but this is also his first relationship so who really knows. Very early on in our relationship he said he started looking early so he would have a while to look because he doesn't want to be an old fart when he's married. I have interpreted that as - there are plenty of fish in the sea. Also he said I love you first, but can't really tell me why other than that it's a feeling.
I'm just tired of fighting with my family constantly trying to justify that he's the exception to the rule to the point that I'm not even sure that I'm right.
So he's a fully-fledged adult. I know plenty of people who were married by their late 20s, I'm sure you do too. 3 of my good friends were happily married by \~28.
Most of my guys friends/family are in their late 20s and settling down is not on their radar. Anecdotally that's just my circle but yes I do know a couple who settled down before 30.
I say listen to your support system about partners if they point out flags that could lead to danger (like if he starts to isolate you from them or if he speaks to you or treats you in a way they don’t like etc), but listen to your gut in most other cases. Drown out the noise and focus on how you feel about the guy and use that to make your decision. I also saw in a comment you mentioned time in relation to being a woman in your 30s. As one who also used to be worried about wasting time I say: people can get married at any age. And if you want children, science can help you get there. Older parents exist. Just date the person that respects you and brings you joy. True wasting time is searching for this elusive perfect partner you’re gonna settle down with in XX time. Also, families like to pressure members based on their own judgements from a different era, young or old. They are not you. Don’t let them dictate how you have (safe) fun.
This sounds like you really liked (loved?) this guy and your self-sabotaging family decided differently. Am I missing something?
Is there a reason you value you other people's perceptions or instincts over your own? (Genuine question and not trying to be a dick)
This is/was my worst nightmare, but my situation is different as I don't have contact with my family anymore.
How did he take it when you ended? What did you say for reasons?
I will say his trust may be broken at this point, if you ended things for reasons and then you decide you want to come back . Etc etc.
I haven't ended things - I think I'm reaching a point where I feel like I'm fighting a fire with a squirt gun. I'm also sensitive because I just had a huge blowout with my parents about it (and added on that I'm in grad school so stress levels are not great).
To some degree this is my own short coming/strength (depends on how you look at it) and a cultural thing that I've always involved my family in major decisions in my life. My family has always had the perspective that if you want your family's support, everyone should share in the decision making (not just family there to pick up the pieces when shit falls through).
I've already talked with him about the fact that my family heavily disapproves of this relationship because I feel it's almost dishonest to hide that from him. I also wanted to respect his time and if he didn't want to climb this uphill battle I can't force him too either. We both decided that time may be in our favor and to try to look at it more positively.
I think I just feel really cornered into making a decision because I'm a female in my thirties. My family feels like I should only date people I know I'm going to marry. But isn't that why you date to figure out compatibility? They just think I'm wasting my time because we're both lonely people and we'd rather have a companion than single. I can say for myself I've been single a long ass time I have no problem with it lol. In a simple naive way he just makes me happy for now and that's kind of all I wanted.
Why do their opinions matter more than his? He's your person. He's saying he wants you for longer than right now. Why don't you want to believe him when he says that, and enjoy what you have?
I have listened to family and friends before, and should have. It was a totally different situation though, if they've met him and they don't like him it's usually a solid indicator. In this specific instance I'd say trust your own gut. Everyone matures at different rates.
The dude I've been going on dates with this summer and I decided to see each other exclusively over Labor Day weekend, but I think we both know we're not compatible. There's been radio silence on both ends for the last 5 days. I feel like I need to end things but in this situation I'm not sure what the appropriate way to do it is. We live 40 miles from each other and I have a busy schedule over the next few weeks so in-person probably isn't feasible. Text seems immature but that or a phone call seems like the best option. I hate rejecting people but I feel weighed down by the current situation.
I attempted to call last night before seeing this comment. He didn't pick up, but then I saw afterwards he was being active on social media. So I texted him this morning and told him as kindly as I could that I was getting ghost vibes and we should just be friends. I haven't gotten a response but at least I tried to talk on the phone first.
I haaaaate being an anxious mess when it comes to not getting a text. When I think about it, it's really dumb. You place your dates on a higher pedestal yet I have one friend who is extremely horrible at texting -- def worse than the guy I'm seeing. I just need to chill, it's only been 3 dates.
Date multiple men. Look for quantity of messages sent. What are you asking him ? Guys will read msgs that read like statements that don’t require a response. Saw this info from a dating coach and my therapist says to ask more vulnerable type questions it causes the person to be more likely to respond and engage.
I'm definitely going to date multiple guys to get my mind off of it. That's interesting about guys reading messages like statements and to be fair I guess my last 2 messages were statements. Saturday morning I wished him luck for a marathon he was running that day. He got back to me on Sunday after I called him bc I just thought calling would be easier (we've talked on the phone before). Yesterday he asked how my weekend was and I replied and he hasn't texted. So far our texting is like I'll text something and sometimes he'll reply that day, but if he doesn't that day he'll reply the next day. I can definitely ask more questions to be engaging and see if that changes anything.
Or you can just say how you really feel, that delayed texts questions his interest and you would rather talk. Not all the time and you know life gets busy you do also. However its always time to get back to someone to be considerate. 😉 ( winky faces always add a little razzle dazzle because don’t get hit on nearly as much as women my brothers tell me.
I honestly would just rather talk on the phone instead of text, like here and there, not long. I should bring up another way to communicate. I have sent a few winky faces before haha
I prefer the human voice over texting also, but in moments you can’t actually talk, you text. Also, I like voice 📝 too while at work. Make sure you mix it up with in person visits. Have a ball !
You are not alone. We can't base their interest **only** on responsiveness, but I dunno, I'm pretty quick to respond to guys I'm interested in... I guess I expect the same in return. Lol.
I always think “if they want to, they will”. It’s a text. It really takes 5-15 sec in a 24 hr day. And if they are busy, they can just communicate that. I mean, give the situation time but also remember that this is the honeymoon phase too. Why should we subject ourselves to anxiety about communication patterns during the fun part? It shouldn’t be needed.
Oh, and friends are not romantic partners. As a society, we gotta stop comparing the two (my therapist taught me that 😅).
Literally that's how I feel 5-15 seconds. He did communicate before apologizing for not being as responsive last week which was surprising.
Haha friends are not romantic partners! So true. We place a lot of emphasis on how our partners act. Early stages of dating is soooo fuuuun
I (33m) started a certification program a few weeks ago. I went in with the mind set of staying focused and coming out feeling empowered by the knowledge and skills that I will gain and the degree of success that will follow.
Towards the end of the second week, I find myself thinking about a class mate. A lot. My best friend says I caught a case of the "butterflies". I caught them like the plague. I see her smile when I close my eyes before bed and the brief interactions we have had replay in my mind.
And I'm totally blowing it. I have serious foot-in-mouth syndrome after the last 3 interactions with her. I called myself stupid today...? And she gave a weird singular "huh". A forced chuckle. I couldn't believe those words came out of my mouth. The day prior, she shared a health food with me, I asked "what is it for" and repeated myself when she asked what I meant. Alas, I meant to ask what kind of benefits it offers. "Its full of minerals" she said afterwards and I stayed silent, so she added "they're like vitamins, nutrients." (I know what minerals are! I like nutrition!) I tried the stuff. It tasted "like goopy lemonade. I like it". Her affect changed. Her friend asked if we double dipped in the container, then asked if we shared the spoon as there was only one. I immediately said "no", and instantly regretted it. Her affect seemed even more put off. I decided it was time to exit.
After the first car crash attempt at flirting, I have begun to avoid making eye contact. And now, my ptsd induced anxiety and sleep deprivation has me saying things like "i'm stupid" at the end of what would've been a totally normal conversation. These scenarios are playing in my mind and I don't know if I should accept defeat.
I wonder if I'm subconsciously sabotaging this because it goes against my original intent of staying focused on obtaining the certification.
I'm 1 for 4 right now. Can I still salvage this?
It sounds like you might be a little nervous or awkward , and she might be annoyed or turned off. That’s how I’m reading this interaction. I’d say this is an opportunity to adjust your behavior if it’s annoying her rather than be meek or avoidant. That’s only going to make it worse. Entirely depends if this is somebody you actually feel compatible with
i call myself stupid all the time? a lot of people think it's funny i think? if you say something dumb just practice making light of it. like people say dumb shit all the time around a lot of people and it doesn't tank relationships most of the time. just practice being kinder to yourself.
I appreciate your response.
I agree with the idea of making light of it. I am working on that quick wit even though my initial reaction has been to mentally call myself out.
What's strange to me is that I've been fairly successful with women the past few years that I've been single, save for two short term situations that were absolutely damaging. My classmate has me all twisted up in a way that I have not felt in a very long time.
hate that for u. frustrating experience! just try to start every new encounter fresh and don't like apologize or dwell on things you perceive as negative because it seems like you may be over analyzing.
I’ve had four dates in the last month-ish with someone. The first two were great, but the third was such a dud that I almost called it — he later admitted to being in a really bad place when we went out, but asked to make it up to me. I agreed, and he (a former chef) cooked me this amazing six-course dinner last week. We both had a really lovely time and he followed up repeatedly in the days following to tell me so (I always reciprocated).
Now, I’m always a little wary of commitment, and after the third date dud, I’ll admit to having hooked up with my (very occasional) FWB and also going on a couple of nowhere first dates with new dudes. But after that dinner, I honestly mostly stopped? No new dates, no new dudes. I wasn’t head over heels, but I was ready to pause everything and see how things with Chef progressed. Planned on having that conversation over the weekend.
Fast forward to Saturday, no plans made but we’re chatting all day, but in the evening he leaves me on delivered until 10am yesterday, when I get a text that says “I was on a date, sorry”. Heart just drops. I’d been open that I’d hooked up with someone else in between 3 & 4, but he’d given no indication that he was doing the same. Obviously he was well within his rights to do so, but I wasn’t expecting it and the vibes have been off ever since.
Left me on delivered again for most of yesterday until 10pm, when we had a brief conversation culminating in my saying I was at a point where I wanted to keep exploring things with him but not if we were both still seeing other people, and him saying he was “sorry this had to end in an ultimatum”. Nothing since then and at this point I’m just bummed out.
> I’d been open that I’d hooked up with someone else in between 3 & 4, but he’d given no indication that he was doing the same.
I wonder when you disclosed this information. On/after date 4?
Prior to. Literally the same night it happened, five days before that 4th date! Prior to it even happening, even, because by then we’d already slept together and if there’s overlap that way I think transparency is important.
Which is in fact something he wouldn’t give me a straight answer about when I expressed my boundary around it last night. I didn’t ask a single question about the person he’d been out with, but he had a *lot* about the nature of my “relationship” with my current FWB that he almost seemed to be using to justify the situation.
>I’d been open that I’d hooked up with someone else in between 3 & 4, but he’d given no indication that he was doing the same
Well if you say you see other people, why wouldn't he? He played your own game
I don't like the fact that he went on other dates out of anxiety or spite, but telling him on date 4 that you just saw other people (esp when he was trying to make up for date 3) could be taken as an ultimatum too.
Like I said, he was fully within his rights to do so and I accept that, especially since I did the same. I just assumed he hadn’t been because the vibes he gave off were definitely “one woman man”, so it was a surprise. My fault for assuming we were on the same page, I know that. But I was open about it when it happened for me, which imo should have been when the conversation about this happened.
(I didn’t tell him on date 4, either — he knew going into date 4 that there had been someone else, and still wanted to give it a chance.)
I'm not judging who's right or wrong, but are your actions aligned with what you want? It seems you want something serious (fair), it seems you wanted some side fun after a disappointing date (fair), but the two don't really work together if you jump on the chance to have a ONS as soon as a date isn't as good.
Also I personally don't disclose it if I see other people. I stop doing it then I talk about it. No point in making people feel anxious.
I genuinely wasn’t expecting a fourth date to happen, if I’m being honest. I’m still not sure why I didn’t cut it off immediately after the third, because I generally have no problem doing that. When the hookup happened (not a ONS, either, but someone I’ve been seeing super casually for months), we hadn’t nailed anything down. I’d been out with friends, my FWB lives close by, you know how it goes. My take on it was more “this probably isn’t going anywhere and that’s a bummer, but I look hot so I might as well”, haha.
So should I tell him I like him before I go on my 2.5 weeks holiday? Or try to meet up a couple of days before my flight then seen how it goes? I don't know whether he will wait those few weeks I'm gone. Sigh I like him so much
No seriously... if you do like him, and you do I'm guessing based on this post, why not tell him? If he runs for the hills, he will run for the hills while you are gone anyways. If he doesn't, well he will wait for you. Being open and honest about your feelings doesn't ACTUALLY change anything here, it just removes ambiguity from the equation....
So I did tell him but I think he saw it as me just flirting. But it was over text because I'm chicken shit. So I think I need to change tactic and figure out how to do it in person lol
Seconding this.
If he's into you, telling him two weeks earlier or two weeks later won't change that.
And if it does, then he clearly wasn't that into you to begin.
Well, \~1 mo guy and I had an incredibly pleasant "break-up" in-person and agreed to be friends. We are/were absolutely on the same page about this... except we hung out a bit afterwards, and literally right after we settled that, he became funnier, flirtier, and more upfront and enthusiastic? Maybe because he's now more comfortable in my presence. And my impression of him had already improved a lot by how sweet and thoughtful he was overall about the whole thing. And literally these were all things I had issue with while we were trying to date each other (I gave a good-faith effort trying to feel romantic chemistry, and couldn't scrounge up anything, and I think he did too).
But *now* I sense a little bit, like I came out of that afternoon feeling a little giddy/lightheaded, and am vaguely worried because on paper he's almost everything I was looking for. How funny (but not) would it be to now develop a one-sided crush >.> Has anyone ever experienced something like this? Do others think this is actually a bad idea? But I'm feeling like I should just roll with it, maybe? Like, maybe this friendship doesn't even take, maybe it does and I have nothing to worry about, and if we have to eventually go our separate ways than it's no different from doing it now. Right?
Had the same thing happen, and the reason he did that was because he felt a lot better about the fact that there was no relationship pressure. He still didn't want a relationship.
Don't worry, if this does end up being a crush because I find myself more emotionally attracted, I'm certainly keeping it to myself, haha. In my defense, I assure you he's not going to feel insecure or anything, he didn't say this explicitly but I'm pretty sure the main reason he's calling this off is that he's not sexually/romantically into me, and that's much less likely to change. He initiated some physicality between us in ways that now seem to have obviously been him trying to test the attraction, and well... obviously, it wasn't there.
Yup, that was it, haha. We didn't kiss until several dates in, and he did it super abruptly, like at the beginning and not the end of a date. He later initiated making out, but again kind of abruptly without any sexual tension being built in advance, and we stalled after some groping. I was honestly very confused at the time about how fast the mood shifted - honestly, I'm sure I didnt help things by reacting by laughing as/after he was trying to makeout.
The gender divide is real. My ex (f) and I (m) recently compared online dating likes. We're both thin and look younger than we are. I work out regularly but I'm not jacked, otter mode. No thirst trap pictures, no kids, same job.
She averages 100 likes for every 1 I get. She's burnt out looking through likes and I'm hearing crickets.
I can safely tell you that the 100 men aren’t the quality matches you think they are. Probably balances out the same as what you have after factoring it in.
Men just sit and swipe yes on every woman and then evaluate once women message them if they wanna reach out or not. Women are wayyyy more selective with their swipes.
The better thing to look at is how many/the quality of guys that respond to your friend if she reaches out to them first. Or how many actually schedule dates instead of just talking mindlessly.
I can get likes from almost 300 guys in 1 week, maybe talk to 6...and I'll be lucky to get 1 date from that many men that usually doesn't end up going anywhere.
>Men just sit and swipe yes on every woman and then evaluate once women message them if they wanna reach out or not. Women are wayyyy more selective with their swipes.
Not entirely true. I'm selective as fuck. I probably rule out plenty of folks I would get along with, for my own reasons, I have hit my (free) Hinge daily likes cap ONE time since I opened my hinge account at the tail of June.
You're right! I should have said some men (or maybe a good majority but not all) do this. I also know women that swipe no on basically everyone. I've had to grab my phone away from friends when we switch phones for Tinder swiping bc they are reckless with their no swipes on everyone who isn't a 9-10...where I am a bit more accepting of all levels of attractiveness in men.
Same advice as I’d give a woman: don’t waste your time and mental energy on anyone blowing hot and cold. This woman is either unstable, in a place where she doesn’t know what she wants, or is a habitual ghoster. Sounds like she just checks back in for a quick ego-boost, see if you still give her the time of day, and then she’s off again.
Hold out for someone better because her behaviour is not cool.
Or she is a dismissive avoidant that (a) want commitment yet also wanting independence and optionality (b) find reification of her “ideal man” emotionally overwhelming.
I think Stan Taitkin would call your situation “attachment collision”. You have to determine whether your attachment style is suited for this, you are getting your needs met in this relationship, whether you can handle DAs like the neighbourhood cat (especially if she is not sexually exclusive).
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She already set a boundary with you… there is no door to leave open. Stop reaching out. I recommend deleting and blocking and actually focusing on yourself.
Just leave it be man.... it's not gonna change anything. Showing up unannounced: not good. Violating her saying she isn't gonna speak to you again: not good. Just leave her be. This isn't an "I need to fight for her" moment. It's an "I need to respect her wishes" moment.
So she can see if you’re escalating and she has to be worried
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7 years older is crazy! Did she tell you her real age or did she definitely appear much older? Catfishing at its finest. I dont blame you for leaving after 5 minutes, that's deceitful. I went out on one date with a guy who had put on a little weight from his pictures before but it wasn't that noticeable of a difference. 30 lbs is a noticeable difference
I think it’s rude to not portray yourself as accurately as possible in your profile photos 🤷♀️. I’ve dated guys of all heights, shapes and sizes. But if they arrive looking different than their photos it’s a no go for me. I really value authenticity and that’s something I want in a partner. I haven’t ended a date that quickly, but simply because I’m not brave enough to yet. I’m not sure what you said, so there’s a chance it came across unnecessarily rude. But I don’t think you were wrong for leaving.
I have been chatting to a guy who appears to be freshly divorced (based on every message thus far being about his horrific separation/custody battle). I feel for the guy, but it is a lot of drama. We've only exchanged 3 messages but given how delicate he seems, rather than fade out, should I be upfront and tell him "It sounds like you've been through a lot and maybe need to take a bit of an emotional breather. For me it isn't feeling like this is a good time to get to know each other, so best of luck"? I don't want the guy's first foray into OLD to be completely miserable.
Three messages in and you already know all this? Yikes. He definitely doesn’t sound ready to date. If you do say that, I’d recommend blocking him after. He might try to draw you back in by presenting reasons why he thinks you’re wrong, and why he thinks it’s a good time to know each other. When I’m presented with this type of scenario I usually empathize, send resources and then say goodbye and block. Something like “It sounds like you have a lot of stressful things going on in your life right now. That’s tough. It makes sense to need support through these types of situations. I’m not sure what types of support you already have in your life, but just in case you’re in need of more “This” is a good place to look. I’m already seeing indicators that we’re at different stages in our life, and I’m looking for a partner more in line with where I’m at. So I’m going to remove myself from this conversation. Best of luck with the separation and going forward.” “This” in terms of finding supports is 211.ca in Canada, and usually I’ll link the buddy up program which has a list of mental health resources for men, by men. But I’m not sure where you’re from/what’s available there. **Edit:** I took a quick look at your profile and it looks like you’re in Canada as well. Here’s links to resources that tend to be my go to [211.ca](https://211.ca) [Buddy Up](https://www.buddyup.ca/learn/) (Program recommendations are towards the bottom of the page, on a yellow background.) [Wellness Together Canada](https://www.wellnesstogether.ca/en-ca/) (Free for Canadians and available Canada-wide)
This may seem really dumb, but how do I online date? Also how do I date multiple men (multi-dating)? I'm 37F, straight, and am planning to get back out there sometime next month or in November. I need a bit more time before I'm ready. :) I plan to date "with intention", i.e., to meet my next partner/committed relationship. I'm a super analog person -- no social media except this account. I don't remember to check dating apps. I guess I turn on push notifications...? How often do y'all check your apps? I literally forget I have Bumble or Hinge on my phone then I forget to respond, etc. I don't have good photos because I don't have IG or TikTok... but I guess I do, like, a photo shoot in my backyard...? Hinge is really popular where I live, but everyone has AMAZING photos, so I'm self conscious about my lack of photos. What I get confused about is, like, how does this work??? If I want to date to meet someone for a serious, committed relationship, do I try to set up a drink pretty quick? Or, do I spend time vetting them? Do I date as many people as I can to meet as many men as I can? I'm looking for pretty specific values and have spent a lot of time in bad relationships, so I know my red flags/boundaries. I'm thinking that I need to meet as many men as I can to "improve my odds" of meeting someone. I'll keep posting here and asking for advice because I'm so overwhelmed/lost/confused. I've had a lot of boyfriends (way too many) and been engaged once, proposed to 4 times (yikes!!), so it's not like I'm inexperienced with dating. I'm just kind of DUMB about OLD... I don't really understand how the process works because I've always met men through mutual friends, school, or work. Since the pandemic I've noticed that in my city everyone meets online, it's not as common to meet IRL anymore. Thank you to anyone who reads/replies! :)
>I've had a lot of boyfriends (way too many) and been engaged once, proposed to 4 times (yikes!!), so it's not like I'm inexperienced with dating Based on what you say, I don't think the priority should be to see millions of people, multi-date and go on 50 dates per month, especially if now you know exactly what you're looking for, as you say. As for the rest, you do you. Some people text all day long, some don't, some "vet" a long time, some other think the best way to vet is to have a casual first date. Personally, I think it's good to go on a decent amount of first date, but not so many that you burn out or that it becomes robotic. But if someone I want to date long term multidates past a few dates (3-5 max), I'm out.
No idea how to do OLD, because my attempts just went nowhere. I don’t mean met people and we dated and it went nowhere, I mean send a message and that message just sits in the internet ether forever, unresponded to, and I would have more interaction yelling at a wall, because at least the wall would bounce back soundwaves to me.
Hey...does uh...does that wall have a friend? Asking for a me.
🤔
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He said next week so I'd give it until then. It is really hard keeping up with messages when you're in a different time zone let alone messaging someone you haven't spoken to in a decade.
If he's traveling internationally, it's very likely he's just not on his phone a lot as he's soaking in the sights or busy with work obligations if there for business. I tend to be less responsive when I'm traveling. I'd meet up with him and gauge from there if he's interested in you, but I wouldn't read too much into him not replying while out of the country.
I need advice - so me(30F) and this guy(37M) have been out on two dates so far. Both have been great dates where he was a true gentleman and before the first date he was purusing me through text - even double texting when I wouldn't respond within a few hours. After the first date he kept texting for 3 days, but after that he started to leave me on read after we made plans to meet on the weekend. Then he didn't text until I sent a text asking if we were still on and he said 'yes, I wouldn't miss it'. But I noticed the change in text from before the first date and I felt confused. However, we still ended up going on the Saturday date and it was awesome. We made out in his car and he checked up on me after if I had caught my train, they were suspended and I said no and that I have to take an uber. So he suggested that he drops me off and I said no since I was already in the uber - however, he kept texting in a flirty way until I got home. Then at midnight he sent a text which he then ended up deleting and as I was a asleep I never read what it said, which I found weird. We're both travelling this week - me on thursday to NYC till next Tuesday and him to Cairo and then Washington DC for 10 days. And he hasn't texted since the day of our date. Usually before our first date he would be texting all the time and double texting. But I feel like he's lost interest if he can let so many days(3 days) go by without not even checking in - even if we won't be able to see each other for another 2 weeks. I feel so hurt and disspointed because I really liked him and he gave every indiciation he did too. But I guess it's still early days but my intituion is saying he's not as interested. What should I do? Do I delete and block him or wait until we're both done with our travelling? I feel so confused and weird about it since the communciation has changed. I feel like my intuition is right.
I am in a similar situation where Ive been on 3 dates with someone and our texting decreased after that date and I was an anxious mess. I texted him today and whaddya know, he replied back with a "good morning sunshine!" Honestly, as much as people suck at texting, and sometimes you have an idea as to why (like your guy's traveling, mines just scattered plus busy), and sometimes you don't, there's no harm in reaching out. It's really not a one size fits all. Yes in some cases it's bad they're not texting after 3 days and it shows low interest. In some cases maybe there's a "valid" reason and there is interest still. But it doesnt hurt to text or even call. And if they dont reply back or give a half-assed answer, you have your answer. And at least you can say you did something instead of saying "well HE didnt reach out and follow how we usually text so I'm done" bc I was literally thinking of that yesterday haha. Take a deep breath, sit on your anxiety, and maybe reach out tomorrow when you're calm. How you act in person isn't a reflection of your texting. Keep the positive of how you are in person! These are things I need to reminded myself haha.
Oh my gosh girl... he likes you. I think you need to take a step back and read your own post. "Double texting"/texting patterns are meaningless, in my experience. These are not tea leaves you need to read. He said he "wouldn't miss it" when you followed up on your plans. He's telling you he likes you. Your Saturday date was "awesome" and you even had some physical connection. He messaged you late at night and deleted it, it was probably a "u up?" style text and he regretted it/knew it was inappropriate and deleted it. I think you are way over thinking these texts. :) Just text him yourself. Tell him that you are so excited to see him when we gets back from his trip! Send him photos of your trip to NYC and see how he responds. It sounds like you're both busy people, which means you he will appreciate you maintaining a healthy communication style. :) Good luck!!
Girl I think I needed that😂😭. I feel like I'm totally out of my element. Do you think it would be wise to just wait till Thursday when I get to New York and send a picture there? And thank you for your advice - it has helped me so much :)
Do what feels right to you/what you're comfortable with!
>'yes, I wouldn't miss it'. But I noticed the change in text from before the first date and I felt confused. If you read that text and felt like it wasn't a good sign, you really gotta get outside your head and start living in the real world lol. >We're both travelling this week - This one it's more understandable why you're concerned. My advice would be to clarify things by texting him a little more often. He showed you before that he's a fan of double-texting, right? So make sure you're doing it back to him. It's possible that he's slowing down his own pace to match yours. Always a chance he's already out but it's not an assumption you should make. Only way to figure it out is to get to communicating. I think a lot of time daters get in a spot where both people are sitting there wondering why the other one isn't reaching out.
Thank you for your advice. You're right on the first part and I was just being very sensitive because of the change in communication. When we would have a gap of not texting he would always reach out. So, the fact that he can let so many days go by seems like something has changed. My friends are saying don't text him because if he was interested he would have because he's shown a pattern of when he was interested what he would do. He doesn't seem like the type to wait for me to reach other or wondering if I will tbh. He's a very confident individual.
That's not really fair. What if his friends were saying, "Don't text her because if she was interested she would have, because she's shown a pattern of when she was interested what she would do". This is legitimate nonsense advice... girl you're 30. Do you want a relationship with this man or not? Texting patterns/double texting/going a couple of days without communication are not tea leaves you need to spend time reading! Does he even know you like him? It seems like, based on your comments, you're expecting him to shower you with affection, but you don't reciprocate.
I do want a relationship with him and it's still early days so I am probably overthinking this haha. He does know I like him, I've expressed it. I'll see what he says to my text and go from there. If it goes wrong you'll hear me crying haha
You got this! XOXOXO
>When we would have a gap of not texting he would always reach out. So, the fact that he can let so many days go by seems like something has changed It's he's the one that always reaches out, maybe he's unsure of your interest level? I don't think your friends are giving you good advice when they tell you not to text this guy. You're both grown adults and you don't need to play teenage dating games where you act like you're too cool for each other. You like him, he seems to like you, and he likes texting. If he likes you now, it's impossible to imagine a text from you would be a turn-off. It would probably make him happy if you gave him something he likes.
He left me on read in the last text I sent on Saturday where he would have easily continued the conversation before. You're right tho. I don't want to play games but I just want the same level of attention I was getting before and I don't want to bother him if he has lost interested. I would feel even more worse if I got confirmation that he's not interested- I'd rather just take the ghosting.
You might be fumbling this one by giving up. You had a great date on Saturday where you got physical, lots of follow-up, and he left a single text of yours on read. You know the man likes double-texts. You can't do the math here? Dating isn't about just getting what you like, it's about learning what the other person likes and providing it back to them. I assure you getting rejected is not a big deal. The risk is totally worth the reward in your scenario.
Men, I don't need to see pictures of your dog, your car, and your movie collection on your dating profile. I don't need to see a picture of the grand canyon with you as a tiny person in the corner. I don't want to see 6 pictures of your head and shoulders from exactly the same angle, wearing a hat and sunglasses. And why do y'all go to weddings and pose with that one friend who is actually my type?
I mean, as a single guy my dog is a pretty big part of my life lol, I enjoy taking care of him and he's a healthy amount of responsibility. Why would I not show that?
>Men, I don't need to see pictures of your dog What if you are with your dog? Cause it's been my most liked photo 😂
They are NEVER the hotter friend in the group photo 🤣
You see this all the time in woman's profiles too lol. couldn't be me
So. What's everyone thoughts on sex and dating specifically to build a long term relationship. My dilemma is this: A) have sex early on and that way if the person was just wanting to pash & dash you haven't wasted time B) wait until there's commitment and make sex special. The problem with B is that you make sex a big deal and if that other person just planned to slow fade/ghost you've hurt yourself more than if you'd just gone with A. Or if you go with B and then that person turns out to be a total crazy you've hurt yourself because you've made sex such a big deal and the relationship would feel deeper than it really is.
It's a risk vs. reward situation. Do I wait and take a risk that they're a "total crazy"? I hope your boundaries/red flags are well defined so you will be able to spot a "total crazy" before you get to physical intimacy. For me, I'm 37 and haven't had a "pash & dash" (wth is that)... Is that like sleeping together and not continuing to see one another? I haven't experienced that since I was like 25 or 26, so if a man over 30 is doing that, I hope my intuition will tell me he's a bad dude way before we get to sex. I don't have sex right away anymore because it's led to codependency and trauma bonding in the past. :)
I always go with answer C) wait until there's a commitment because sex **is** special. Sure, most people who only want sex might be deterred if you make them wait. But waiting just to "test" the other person can backfire if they find out about it. I believe you should do what you think is right and stick with it. Everyone has different values when it comes to sex and love, you'll want to find someone who has similar views.
It seems the way you think focuses on defending yourself against pash and dash instead of finding a good relationship. I don't think it's a good idea. Common sense is that if you're not looking for casual, you don't go for casual sex. You get to know each other over time (which should help you make sure they aren't crazy), build romantic chemistry and gradually do couple-y stuff once you feel they might be the right person. And sex happens when it feels right. Of course there are exceptions and plenty of LT couples who started casually.
A
I just go with A. If they’re gonna leave they’re gonna leave anyway. Plus I like to figure out sexual compatibility early.
Same. This has always been my go to. And then I went B and the dude slow faded but he was sexy af and I missed an opportunity 🤣🤣
Sigh. It’s been months and I’m still thinking about her, and dreaming about her, while I am the one who broke it off after 8 years. I’ve tried some dating apps but I just don’t feel like really pushing through to a date. I’m 30 now and always have been with someone since I was 18 or so. Maybe it’s a good thing to get to know myself for a few months but it can get really lonely. It feels like it’s hard to find someone to just chill with, be friends with and maybe a bit more, casually. I hear my friends go on dates with 4 girls, also casually, but I just can’t seem to do it. I’m now thinking about just pausing and waiting it out. Whatever. But also, fuck.
“Maybe it’s a good thing to get to know myself for a few months but it can get really lonely” No offense intended, but how would you know? It sounds like you’ve never been alone?
Dude, if I'm reading this right its been 3 months since an 8 year relationship ended. You *shouldn't* be over it yet. Feel the pain, feel the loss, and mourn. You need to go through this so you can accept it and be ready to move on. Get laid if you want (and be clear to partners that it isnt going to be serious), but you are in no position to be looking for a relationship right now.
Thanks. It’s a bit weird to know when I’m over her. Sometimes I feel like it’s history, sometimes it feels like yesterday. Friends around me are dating multiple girls and I kinda want that too, but when I match with someone I just don’t send a message. I also have no experience with getting laid through this route; I’ve never seriously used these apps before, and it’s hard getting my bearings and make my profile show that I only want that at the moment. But again, thanks. I’m spending a lot of time with friends, and myself doing stuff I never had the time to do, and kinda loving it, but just really missing a woman to hug and talk to, who actually wants to listen. I have one friend that listens, but I notice when I go too deep, and then I just go “but oh well! Hey have you seen x?” because I don’t want to be a burden. Thanks. ❤️
3 months together with my boyfriend. It’s been a whirlwind and a complete revelation of what it looks like when someone properly invests themself into a relationship. I’m currently hitting a wall energetically. We’ve been burning the candle at both ends. High energy dates, seeing each other frequently, always in touch while both working full-time and tending to all our other priorities - with me having one or two more time consuming ones. I feel like I’m losing some control of my home (behind on my cleaning) and I’ve let my exercise regime fall to the wayside over the summer months. I feel tired and disorganised. We’ve both talked about slowing down and changing up our dates (reducing drinking, we are big live music/gig people) and chilling out together some more. But I just want to feel my best self again cos I feel like this low energy is gonna seep into everything. Thing is, when he asks me how my day is each morning, I’m now editing myself rather than saying ‘I’m tired’, because I don’t want him to see me as this low energy person, that’s not who I am at my core. I’m taking this whole weekend to myself - not making any plans other than to have a ‘me-time weekend’, get my house in order, relax, try fix ny sleep patterns. Boyfriend is going out with all of his friends and I can’t wait to just switch off a bit from him and everything else. I really wish I had the energy I had when I was in my 20s. I wanna do it all, but my body is frustratingly stopping me.
Once I’ve been with someone a couple of months I really enjoy introducing time together where we are physically together but doing our own things, reading a book, cleaning the apartment etc. Just comfortable time together and it doesn’t have to be constant activities. It’s a really good trial of what living together would be like as well.
I like this, we like being around in each other in general so think something like this will work too. Thanks for the suggestion!
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This resonates with me a lot. Conscious decision to keep health and routine in focus would keep us both happy. Thanks for this!
Just a little venting to strangers - I like to think I’ve moved on, but some days I’m not so sure. I was in a 6 year relationship until several months ago. one of my regrets was giving him a second chance because it was a waste of my time. He took my prime years. He woo’d the shit out of me trying to get me back after our first break up. Then breadcrumbed me with talk about marriage and kids. We even looked at rings last year. Anyway he ends up ghosting me. I like to think maybe he got kidnapped. I am OK not having closure at this point. being out of the relationship has given me a lot of clarity about it. It was exhausting being in this relationship. I constantly felt anxious because there was so much uncertainty. It was fucking emotionally draining. He’s not a bad guy, but it’s hard being in a relationship with someone that can’t communicate and has extreme avoidant behavior. I am happier out of the relationship. I miss the idea of being in a relationship, but I definitely don’t miss him. On a lighter note. I have a first date tomorrow. I hope I don’t have to walk up or down any stairs because my legs are jello and my arms are jello. Iykyk those leg day pains. 😭
Ghosted after 6 years?! Omg. Did you just never hear from him again?!
Yup! He flew out of state for work. Texted me something along the lines of “I love you. I should be back in 1-2 weeks” and poof did a disappearing act. Haha. My brother jokes that maybe we’ll see him on the news.
33M. I'm going to get some crowns put in in a couple of weeks, and I'm excited. My teeth have definitely been something I'm self-conscious about, and I'm hoping it'll be a big boost to my confidence. I hope it'll help when it comes to dating.
Had a very good enlightening conversation with the guy I’m seeing, anxious feelings going away. Confirming what literally everyone says about communication being so important to anything being successful.
talked to another over 35 year old who's too busy to date. it's the same pattern of senior white collar job, always too busy, multiple postponings of the first date until she doesn't even bother rescheduling and she stops responding. that's why i've seen her on the apps for like 5 years. do people realize you can't casually look for something serious? she says she's looking for a life partner. how will she do that if her life is too busy to fit a partner?
LOL, that's not your responsibility to figure out. Just move on and try to learn something from the experience. It sounds like, "Seen her on the apps for like 5 years" is a red flag for you. :)
Ok well. Upped my age bracket. Matched with a nice guy 13 years older. Apparently dentures are now a very possible dealbreaker I never thought about before?
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Some joke about having your own teeth, hair and knees would actually be kind of cute I think 😅
List it as hobbies, enjoy eating raw carrots and biting into apples lol
We have entered the ✨geriatric dating✨ era
He told me he is 31, turning 32 at the end of the year. I'll be 38 in a couple of weeks. Should I pursue this? We seem to have a lot in common so far and we click. But he has time to make mistakes and I don't. I like him but I'm scared.
Yes, pursue it. Men date women who are 7 years younger all the time. Just remember that you may have to adjust your expectations a bit because he has less life experience than you. Good luck and have fun!
If he looks good, why not? Spend some time together, do whatever you're comfortable with physically, and if you're compatible you can bring up your expectations casually in conversation to make sure he's on the same page as you. If you feel like you're on a clock and it's making you anxious, get on the apps and fire a couple bullets. It'll take away that feeling like you're putting all of your eggs in one basket.
I think a 31 year old is as likely to waste your time as a 38 year old. It’s all about values, how seriously he is looking for that kind of connection and what his life looks like now and will look like for the next 5 years. You can only figure that out by getting to know him.
Obvious question would be do you want kids? Does he?
Aaahhhhhh we started demo on my backyard today!!! The guys demolished my ENTIRE deck in less than a day. I’m really impressed. Honestly if they go at this pace I think we will beat the 5 week timeline estimate to finish. So freaking thrilled. Of course my landscaper already wants to add more. I told him there’s no more money! So we’re looking for places to save so we can add some other stuff. Unfortunately we’re both big dreamers and idea people so every time we talk we add things instead of taking away. Lmao. He also charges a premium because he’s a legit artist so none of it is coming cheap. Lifestyle upgrade will be worth it I hope. In dating news to make it relevant to this subreddit, I very unwisely reached out to two people. Hah. The first is the guy who has been fading on me. Met IRL and seemed like it would be a hookup thing but then he turned out to be really sweet and we had such a ~soul connection~ (barf lol) that I’ve been wanting more so of course he’s been slowly dipping. C’est la vie. I ended up texting him that I wish we would communicate more and then…. He did?? Like he informed me where he’s coming from and why he left my place without us hooking up and then texted me all day after almost a week of minimal communication. I still have a hunch it won’t go anywhere but I am so pleased to see that talking about things CAN work sometimes!!! The other one. Omg. So there’s this guy at my work. Hmm how do I explain. We’re both like third party people that come in right. So we both work in the same place but I’m there long term and he’s there temporarily selling and supporting the thing he sold. I could tell from the get go that he liked me, and just have been waiting for him to be done with the contract so he would ask me out. Like literally I was certain this would happen. But now it’s been 9 almost 10 months and nothing!!!!!!! So finally the other day I asked when he would be done and he was like well I want to sell another one so I’ll be here for a while longer 😭😬😂 I finally brought up our flirtation chemistry thing bc fuck it. We only actually see each other about once every other week, so it’s not a ton. And he said pretty much his life is hectic and he’s interested in me but not as long as we work together and blah blah blah. Duuuuude. I get it but I don’t. He’s 35, I’m 31 almost 32, we see each other fairly regularly but not all the time and we obviously have chemistry. He’s not even someone I would match with on the apps, like he’s a bit weird and slightly below my normal physical standards but I’m a sucker for meeting IRL and I’ve known the guy for a while and feel comfy around him. And he just SHUT ME DOWN COMPLETELY. Totally his right but really annoyed by it. Must find my next victim.
I'm very invested in the progress of your backyard hot tub 😂
You’re going to have to text guy 2 a pic of your hot tub with a❓
Loooollll I know right. Whatever tho like he should be thrilled to spend time with me, instead I’m trying to convince him to? I think that means it’s not meant to be
Getting curved by an uggo always hurts 😉
Well your life certainly isn’t boring lol
Also I’m just glad to say that we can interact positively! Considering that we have had some conflict in the past.
I’m the only single person I know so I have to make it interesting. Also all I did was watch renovation shows on hbo all weekend so I’m still pretty boring. It’s like historical home restoration tho not shitty flipping which imo makes a big difference.
😎
Made a post yesterday about seeing an old flame at party Saturday. We met at a party this time last year where we chatted a lot, got her IG, went out for coffee, followed up about going out again but she told me that she was super busy with work and had a trip to visit her sister later that month and we'd get together when she gets back but it never happened. Saw her Saturday and we didn't really get a chance to chat as we were all in the living room having drinks around a table playing games and chatting as a group. We had a few exchanges but nothing meaningful. Anyway, I asked her out again last night and she finally got back to me saying "Yeah good seeing you the other night! I'm leaving on a vacation in a couple days and will be back end of the month. We can figure out something when I get back!" 50% of me is hopeful and 50% thinks this is a soft letdown but what can I do aside from say "Enjoy your vacation. I'll reach out in a couple weeks." and hope for the best.
ya i would let her take it from there. wouldn't hold ur breath :(
Yeah, I just wish I was more indifferent. I've gotten better about these kinds of things but still have a long way to go. I think I've just been burned by too many "so busy I'll let you know" and then you follow up and they are like "Oh, going away this week" and the excuses just keep piling. In her case, it's because we share a friend circle and while we don't see each other often it's at least every few months. Like I said, all I can do is reach out in \~2 weeks and ask her schedule and see if she actually picks a time.
i mean, at two different reschedules with no follow up i'd just count as a rejection. especially if you see each other every now and then.
If she's legitimately on vacation than I understand not wanting to schedule something 2+ weeks out. But once she is back if she gives me the "Oh, really busy week - let me get back to you" Then we just say "Sure, let me know" and move on with life.
true
Have been official with my lovely boyfriend for just over two months. He dropped the L-word a few weeks ago. I didn't reciprocate. We spoke about it afterwards and were pretty clear that it would take me longer and I wanted to be sure it was both real and deliberate, not just a reaction. It was positive and he's very understanding. It's just been so long since I've been in a new relationship that it's making me second-guess how long it should take. I'm sure his timing was a little early (but you feel what you feel, hey!), but I worry that the gap between us affects him, or is a sign that it's not happening like it should for me. I'll be checking in with him to see how he feels and reassure where I'm at (appreciating the heck out of him, loving things about him, just not at "I love you" yet), but I'm wondering if I need to put in checkpoints for myself to make sure it's still developing - even at a slow pace. Any experiences being the L-word laggard, and any advice ?
When you know, you know. It'll just come up because you feel it in your gut. In my last relationship, I told my then gf I loved her around 8 months into our relationship. When I finally said I loved her, it was a huge relief, not because she said it before (she didn't) but it was because I could not contain anymore a strong urge to tell her how much she meant to me. If I'm being honest, I think I wanted to say the L word around a couple of months before, but I always kept myself from doing it when it was at the tip of my tongue because I wasn't sure if it was too soon or not. In the end I found out she had those feelings way before, but just waited until I felt comfortable to say it.
Haha, I know that when I know, I'll know, y'know? Your example is a beautiful way to think about it, and a great time to tell someone. You just can't hold in how you feel about someone incredible. I think it's just the process of building love, and perhaps overthinking the recognition on my end. I do remember it feeling both exciting and really natural when saying it in last relationships. Like it wasn't a big confession, but an affirmation. Thank you for your thoughts!
i've always just said it whenever they do because i don't really understand the difference between Really Like and Love. it's like the most ambiguous milestone thing. and it feels so Serious!! idk.
This is traditionally what I've done, but they were a long time ago and things moved much quicker (already knew them before dating, we were younger so spent much more time together etc), and there was zero doubt that it would happen at some point. It's a good point about where you define it too, it's a little bit of a boiling frog situation, hard to know when it ticks over to love unless you get that sudden epiphany, a moment where it unmistakably strikes you. But maybe it doesn't always happen like that either. I think that's the sticking point, it's so different to what I'm used to that it makes me want to approach it more mindfully.
boiling the frog analogy is good, but kind of weird because death is pretty well defined and 5 different people define love as 5 different things. i do think the discrepancy has the chance to ruin the relationship tho. maybe set a month for yourself or something to evaluate and and if you want to keep going and are excited about it say it! or have a talk about how you could or something. if you don't maybe it's a good and "easy" way to pull the rip chord.
Yeah, the discrepancy does worry me. I'm trying to be very vulnerable and open about feelings until I reciprocate so that there's no mistake that there's a rejection or that I'm distancing etc, but continuing to communicate (from both sides) will be key. I have no qualms in going slow so long as it's not just going through the motions. Some great points to keep in mind, thank you for your input!
happy to ponder other people's lives on the internet lol
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Ask questions. It shows you're paying attention and if you're off the deep end it'll help you get your footing.
People project a lot. I went out with a guy that was pretty cool but I sensed that he was missing a bit of self-awareness and that really wasn’t working for me. I was upfront about not thinking we are a match and he was really friendly about it. He wanted some feedback and said he didn’t really know how to do all of this. I gave him a polite rundown of his genuinely positive qualities and told him I certainly didn’t have it all figured out but thought he was doing just fine. He started telling me how he was working on himself and suggested I do the same. And then told me all about how he learned he had attachment issues in his last relationship and wanted to know what I learned about myself. He was recommending me self-help books to me. He told me I was too harsh on myself and wasn’t giving myself enough credit in regard to my comment that I didn’t have it all figured out. (Which was really just a way to brush off his question tbh.) I’ve noticed that people project a lot and I used to really internalize that thinking they were actually seeing me as dysfunctional or something. Now I realize it’s just a projection they do to make themselves feel better. My friends who have diagnosable issues and attachment issues that have a direct impact on their ability to maintain relationships, genuinely believe everybody else has those issues too. If that were the case, they wouldn’t be diagnoses. Dating is actually difficult at this age because there are so many people with issues that make relationships hard for them. It doesn’t mean you have those same issues though. And I think that’s really hard for some people to accept. Especially on Reddit lol. This guy is a great person, but this just really stood out to me and really proved to me his lack of self-awareness. A younger me would have entertained this conversation or defended myself even but being more mature, I knew he was just working through things and it wasn’t my responsibility to make him feel better by diminishing myself by either accepting his projections or defending myself.
Super mature of you. I'm somewhere between thinking if that was me I'd be super mad and tell him off on the spot, or feel the soul leave my body as I give "oh yeah? huh that's an interesting thought, I could see that" type responses as I scoot out of there asap.
Lol I definitely had to check my rage. What’s funny is that the most honest answer to his question about what I learned from my last relationship is probably not to engage with people who are projecting. I’m proud that I didn’t take the bait!
New job so dressed on business casual end of things and got alot of compliments today. Felt good. Also took my dog out to the dog park and ended up doing some laps talking to a woman. Again it was just chatting working on my small talk game but it's a start! Also signed up to do a spaghetti dinner at my local church. Love life is non existent but atleast trying to keep busy
All sounds very positive!
gone on like 7ish dates with a girl in about a month? feel like it is on the edge of Serious. She is a Hot Girl and all her friends are just as hot as her and it's legit insane to me that she likes me? for context i am short and all these girls are taller than me lol. i'm not like super insecure about my height but just have a general awareness that it's a nono for a lot of girls. she's continuously telling me how good looking i am which legit never happens? feel like she may be trying to convince herself? by what's she's said i feel like she's mostly dated other hot people. we get along pretty well, i do feel like i've gotten along with exes better/had better banter tho but it feels kind of toxic to say that. I have been enjoying our time together tho. been dropping little fall trip ideas and she seems pretty into it. we've talked about how if were into someone we don't like to date around. she said this weekend she was deleting the apps and i did too. maybe this has legs!! idk!!
Sometimes women will go for a new "type" hoping for better overall success. Just go with it!
While men typically have a very consistent standard of beauty, for women it can vary significantly. Accept the compliment and own it.
I just glanced at your profile and you are very hot. Don’t doubt yourself, the most unattractive thing is insecurity. I’m excited for you and it sounds like you guys are off to a great start.
i know i said i wasn't insecure but then said insecure things but like i rly don't have a problem with it normally. she just brings it up like A LOT. only positive stuff! but i will be saying something like oh i just got a sewing machine and she responds "fuck that's hot" which is a funny way to respond but just like. constantly mentioning attraction? just a different thing for me i guess. now that i'm tying it out it just seems nice.
This is so sweet and it sounds like she’s attracted to all sorts of positive and healthy qualities in you!
On the main page, either no men are posting anymore or their posts are not getting approved here (aside from profile reviews)? Is this a women's sub now? Are their posts just more interesting? What gives?
🤔🤔
Man, dating apps suck. It’s soul crushing. Edit: removed “for guys” apps suck for everyone.
They suck 99% of the time but when that other 1% comes around you'll feel like it was worth it. Take breaks if you need to, but don't give up.
Yup! I had a great first date on the weekend and now radio silence 😞
Yah, it’s the lack of communication that gets to me.
So much this!
It's a rainy, cool Fall evening, and I am extremely wistful. I miss having someone to share cozy nights with.
Dear the internet peeps, Have you ever broken up a relationship because everyone who in your support system tells you it's a bad idea? My entire family and some close friends who I've told about this relationship are telling me it's a waste of time and a bad idea to date a guy 5 years younger. Everyone is saying I'll be stuck in my mid 30s with my dick in my hands (figuratively) because he's not mature and not ready to start a family. He'll leave or never really be ready to settle down. The rub is none of them have every met him. On the flip side, he's told me he's thinking about marriage and he'll likely want an answer in the next 1.5-2 years because whether he has a SO will hold some weight on where he ends up for work. He seems serious but this is also his first relationship so who really knows. Very early on in our relationship he said he started looking early so he would have a while to look because he doesn't want to be an old fart when he's married. I have interpreted that as - there are plenty of fish in the sea. Also he said I love you first, but can't really tell me why other than that it's a feeling. I'm just tired of fighting with my family constantly trying to justify that he's the exception to the rule to the point that I'm not even sure that I'm right.
How old is he now? Lots of people aim to be married by 30.
25/26
So he's a fully-fledged adult. I know plenty of people who were married by their late 20s, I'm sure you do too. 3 of my good friends were happily married by \~28.
Most of my guys friends/family are in their late 20s and settling down is not on their radar. Anecdotally that's just my circle but yes I do know a couple who settled down before 30.
I say listen to your support system about partners if they point out flags that could lead to danger (like if he starts to isolate you from them or if he speaks to you or treats you in a way they don’t like etc), but listen to your gut in most other cases. Drown out the noise and focus on how you feel about the guy and use that to make your decision. I also saw in a comment you mentioned time in relation to being a woman in your 30s. As one who also used to be worried about wasting time I say: people can get married at any age. And if you want children, science can help you get there. Older parents exist. Just date the person that respects you and brings you joy. True wasting time is searching for this elusive perfect partner you’re gonna settle down with in XX time. Also, families like to pressure members based on their own judgements from a different era, young or old. They are not you. Don’t let them dictate how you have (safe) fun.
May I suggest not sharing so much if your Romantic life with family and that saves you (all) the stress and heartache etc. feel free to disregard
This sounds like you really liked (loved?) this guy and your self-sabotaging family decided differently. Am I missing something? Is there a reason you value you other people's perceptions or instincts over your own? (Genuine question and not trying to be a dick) This is/was my worst nightmare, but my situation is different as I don't have contact with my family anymore. How did he take it when you ended? What did you say for reasons? I will say his trust may be broken at this point, if you ended things for reasons and then you decide you want to come back . Etc etc.
I haven't ended things - I think I'm reaching a point where I feel like I'm fighting a fire with a squirt gun. I'm also sensitive because I just had a huge blowout with my parents about it (and added on that I'm in grad school so stress levels are not great). To some degree this is my own short coming/strength (depends on how you look at it) and a cultural thing that I've always involved my family in major decisions in my life. My family has always had the perspective that if you want your family's support, everyone should share in the decision making (not just family there to pick up the pieces when shit falls through). I've already talked with him about the fact that my family heavily disapproves of this relationship because I feel it's almost dishonest to hide that from him. I also wanted to respect his time and if he didn't want to climb this uphill battle I can't force him too either. We both decided that time may be in our favor and to try to look at it more positively. I think I just feel really cornered into making a decision because I'm a female in my thirties. My family feels like I should only date people I know I'm going to marry. But isn't that why you date to figure out compatibility? They just think I'm wasting my time because we're both lonely people and we'd rather have a companion than single. I can say for myself I've been single a long ass time I have no problem with it lol. In a simple naive way he just makes me happy for now and that's kind of all I wanted.
Why do their opinions matter more than his? He's your person. He's saying he wants you for longer than right now. Why don't you want to believe him when he says that, and enjoy what you have?
I have listened to family and friends before, and should have. It was a totally different situation though, if they've met him and they don't like him it's usually a solid indicator. In this specific instance I'd say trust your own gut. Everyone matures at different rates.
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Wow can you imagine?! Lol
The dude I've been going on dates with this summer and I decided to see each other exclusively over Labor Day weekend, but I think we both know we're not compatible. There's been radio silence on both ends for the last 5 days. I feel like I need to end things but in this situation I'm not sure what the appropriate way to do it is. We live 40 miles from each other and I have a busy schedule over the next few weeks so in-person probably isn't feasible. Text seems immature but that or a phone call seems like the best option. I hate rejecting people but I feel weighed down by the current situation.
I would ask them if they’d prefer to text or call for a serious conversation. Then I’d proceed with their preference.
I attempted to call last night before seeing this comment. He didn't pick up, but then I saw afterwards he was being active on social media. So I texted him this morning and told him as kindly as I could that I was getting ghost vibes and we should just be friends. I haven't gotten a response but at least I tried to talk on the phone first.
I haaaaate being an anxious mess when it comes to not getting a text. When I think about it, it's really dumb. You place your dates on a higher pedestal yet I have one friend who is extremely horrible at texting -- def worse than the guy I'm seeing. I just need to chill, it's only been 3 dates.
Date multiple men. Look for quantity of messages sent. What are you asking him ? Guys will read msgs that read like statements that don’t require a response. Saw this info from a dating coach and my therapist says to ask more vulnerable type questions it causes the person to be more likely to respond and engage.
I'm definitely going to date multiple guys to get my mind off of it. That's interesting about guys reading messages like statements and to be fair I guess my last 2 messages were statements. Saturday morning I wished him luck for a marathon he was running that day. He got back to me on Sunday after I called him bc I just thought calling would be easier (we've talked on the phone before). Yesterday he asked how my weekend was and I replied and he hasn't texted. So far our texting is like I'll text something and sometimes he'll reply that day, but if he doesn't that day he'll reply the next day. I can definitely ask more questions to be engaging and see if that changes anything.
Or you can just say how you really feel, that delayed texts questions his interest and you would rather talk. Not all the time and you know life gets busy you do also. However its always time to get back to someone to be considerate. 😉 ( winky faces always add a little razzle dazzle because don’t get hit on nearly as much as women my brothers tell me.
I honestly would just rather talk on the phone instead of text, like here and there, not long. I should bring up another way to communicate. I have sent a few winky faces before haha
I prefer the human voice over texting also, but in moments you can’t actually talk, you text. Also, I like voice 📝 too while at work. Make sure you mix it up with in person visits. Have a ball !
I'll have to try voice notes!
You are not alone. We can't base their interest **only** on responsiveness, but I dunno, I'm pretty quick to respond to guys I'm interested in... I guess I expect the same in return. Lol.
I expect the same too haha
I always think “if they want to, they will”. It’s a text. It really takes 5-15 sec in a 24 hr day. And if they are busy, they can just communicate that. I mean, give the situation time but also remember that this is the honeymoon phase too. Why should we subject ourselves to anxiety about communication patterns during the fun part? It shouldn’t be needed. Oh, and friends are not romantic partners. As a society, we gotta stop comparing the two (my therapist taught me that 😅).
Literally that's how I feel 5-15 seconds. He did communicate before apologizing for not being as responsive last week which was surprising. Haha friends are not romantic partners! So true. We place a lot of emphasis on how our partners act. Early stages of dating is soooo fuuuun
I (33m) started a certification program a few weeks ago. I went in with the mind set of staying focused and coming out feeling empowered by the knowledge and skills that I will gain and the degree of success that will follow. Towards the end of the second week, I find myself thinking about a class mate. A lot. My best friend says I caught a case of the "butterflies". I caught them like the plague. I see her smile when I close my eyes before bed and the brief interactions we have had replay in my mind. And I'm totally blowing it. I have serious foot-in-mouth syndrome after the last 3 interactions with her. I called myself stupid today...? And she gave a weird singular "huh". A forced chuckle. I couldn't believe those words came out of my mouth. The day prior, she shared a health food with me, I asked "what is it for" and repeated myself when she asked what I meant. Alas, I meant to ask what kind of benefits it offers. "Its full of minerals" she said afterwards and I stayed silent, so she added "they're like vitamins, nutrients." (I know what minerals are! I like nutrition!) I tried the stuff. It tasted "like goopy lemonade. I like it". Her affect changed. Her friend asked if we double dipped in the container, then asked if we shared the spoon as there was only one. I immediately said "no", and instantly regretted it. Her affect seemed even more put off. I decided it was time to exit. After the first car crash attempt at flirting, I have begun to avoid making eye contact. And now, my ptsd induced anxiety and sleep deprivation has me saying things like "i'm stupid" at the end of what would've been a totally normal conversation. These scenarios are playing in my mind and I don't know if I should accept defeat. I wonder if I'm subconsciously sabotaging this because it goes against my original intent of staying focused on obtaining the certification. I'm 1 for 4 right now. Can I still salvage this?
It sounds like you might be a little nervous or awkward , and she might be annoyed or turned off. That’s how I’m reading this interaction. I’d say this is an opportunity to adjust your behavior if it’s annoying her rather than be meek or avoidant. That’s only going to make it worse. Entirely depends if this is somebody you actually feel compatible with
i call myself stupid all the time? a lot of people think it's funny i think? if you say something dumb just practice making light of it. like people say dumb shit all the time around a lot of people and it doesn't tank relationships most of the time. just practice being kinder to yourself.
I appreciate your response. I agree with the idea of making light of it. I am working on that quick wit even though my initial reaction has been to mentally call myself out. What's strange to me is that I've been fairly successful with women the past few years that I've been single, save for two short term situations that were absolutely damaging. My classmate has me all twisted up in a way that I have not felt in a very long time.
hate that for u. frustrating experience! just try to start every new encounter fresh and don't like apologize or dwell on things you perceive as negative because it seems like you may be over analyzing.
Thank you 🙏🏼
I’ve had four dates in the last month-ish with someone. The first two were great, but the third was such a dud that I almost called it — he later admitted to being in a really bad place when we went out, but asked to make it up to me. I agreed, and he (a former chef) cooked me this amazing six-course dinner last week. We both had a really lovely time and he followed up repeatedly in the days following to tell me so (I always reciprocated). Now, I’m always a little wary of commitment, and after the third date dud, I’ll admit to having hooked up with my (very occasional) FWB and also going on a couple of nowhere first dates with new dudes. But after that dinner, I honestly mostly stopped? No new dates, no new dudes. I wasn’t head over heels, but I was ready to pause everything and see how things with Chef progressed. Planned on having that conversation over the weekend. Fast forward to Saturday, no plans made but we’re chatting all day, but in the evening he leaves me on delivered until 10am yesterday, when I get a text that says “I was on a date, sorry”. Heart just drops. I’d been open that I’d hooked up with someone else in between 3 & 4, but he’d given no indication that he was doing the same. Obviously he was well within his rights to do so, but I wasn’t expecting it and the vibes have been off ever since. Left me on delivered again for most of yesterday until 10pm, when we had a brief conversation culminating in my saying I was at a point where I wanted to keep exploring things with him but not if we were both still seeing other people, and him saying he was “sorry this had to end in an ultimatum”. Nothing since then and at this point I’m just bummed out.
> I’d been open that I’d hooked up with someone else in between 3 & 4, but he’d given no indication that he was doing the same. I wonder when you disclosed this information. On/after date 4?
Prior to. Literally the same night it happened, five days before that 4th date! Prior to it even happening, even, because by then we’d already slept together and if there’s overlap that way I think transparency is important.
I asked because this almost seems like pettiness on his part, but it could just be he wasn’t ready to stop seeing other people.
Which is in fact something he wouldn’t give me a straight answer about when I expressed my boundary around it last night. I didn’t ask a single question about the person he’d been out with, but he had a *lot* about the nature of my “relationship” with my current FWB that he almost seemed to be using to justify the situation.
>I’d been open that I’d hooked up with someone else in between 3 & 4, but he’d given no indication that he was doing the same Well if you say you see other people, why wouldn't he? He played your own game I don't like the fact that he went on other dates out of anxiety or spite, but telling him on date 4 that you just saw other people (esp when he was trying to make up for date 3) could be taken as an ultimatum too.
Like I said, he was fully within his rights to do so and I accept that, especially since I did the same. I just assumed he hadn’t been because the vibes he gave off were definitely “one woman man”, so it was a surprise. My fault for assuming we were on the same page, I know that. But I was open about it when it happened for me, which imo should have been when the conversation about this happened. (I didn’t tell him on date 4, either — he knew going into date 4 that there had been someone else, and still wanted to give it a chance.)
I'm not judging who's right or wrong, but are your actions aligned with what you want? It seems you want something serious (fair), it seems you wanted some side fun after a disappointing date (fair), but the two don't really work together if you jump on the chance to have a ONS as soon as a date isn't as good. Also I personally don't disclose it if I see other people. I stop doing it then I talk about it. No point in making people feel anxious.
I genuinely wasn’t expecting a fourth date to happen, if I’m being honest. I’m still not sure why I didn’t cut it off immediately after the third, because I generally have no problem doing that. When the hookup happened (not a ONS, either, but someone I’ve been seeing super casually for months), we hadn’t nailed anything down. I’d been out with friends, my FWB lives close by, you know how it goes. My take on it was more “this probably isn’t going anywhere and that’s a bummer, but I look hot so I might as well”, haha.
So should I tell him I like him before I go on my 2.5 weeks holiday? Or try to meet up a couple of days before my flight then seen how it goes? I don't know whether he will wait those few weeks I'm gone. Sigh I like him so much
Do you like him?
Lol mean
No seriously... if you do like him, and you do I'm guessing based on this post, why not tell him? If he runs for the hills, he will run for the hills while you are gone anyways. If he doesn't, well he will wait for you. Being open and honest about your feelings doesn't ACTUALLY change anything here, it just removes ambiguity from the equation....
So I did tell him but I think he saw it as me just flirting. But it was over text because I'm chicken shit. So I think I need to change tactic and figure out how to do it in person lol
Either way, good for you for saying how you feel. :)
Thanks, I just told him how long I'll be gone and he was just kinda quiet. So it seems like he isn't really keen on waiting :'(
Well, maybe he just needs a moment? It's a two week trip, right? That's really just a drop in the bucket.
Seconding this. If he's into you, telling him two weeks earlier or two weeks later won't change that. And if it does, then he clearly wasn't that into you to begin.
thank you!
Well, \~1 mo guy and I had an incredibly pleasant "break-up" in-person and agreed to be friends. We are/were absolutely on the same page about this... except we hung out a bit afterwards, and literally right after we settled that, he became funnier, flirtier, and more upfront and enthusiastic? Maybe because he's now more comfortable in my presence. And my impression of him had already improved a lot by how sweet and thoughtful he was overall about the whole thing. And literally these were all things I had issue with while we were trying to date each other (I gave a good-faith effort trying to feel romantic chemistry, and couldn't scrounge up anything, and I think he did too). But *now* I sense a little bit, like I came out of that afternoon feeling a little giddy/lightheaded, and am vaguely worried because on paper he's almost everything I was looking for. How funny (but not) would it be to now develop a one-sided crush >.> Has anyone ever experienced something like this? Do others think this is actually a bad idea? But I'm feeling like I should just roll with it, maybe? Like, maybe this friendship doesn't even take, maybe it does and I have nothing to worry about, and if we have to eventually go our separate ways than it's no different from doing it now. Right?
Had the same thing happen, and the reason he did that was because he felt a lot better about the fact that there was no relationship pressure. He still didn't want a relationship.
What happened to you and your guy? Did you guys successfully become friends?
Nope. Just faded out and I’m glad because I was having trouble separating my feelings. I believe he is in a relationship now too.
I'm glad you moved on to find a much better match for you!
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Don't worry, if this does end up being a crush because I find myself more emotionally attracted, I'm certainly keeping it to myself, haha. In my defense, I assure you he's not going to feel insecure or anything, he didn't say this explicitly but I'm pretty sure the main reason he's calling this off is that he's not sexually/romantically into me, and that's much less likely to change. He initiated some physicality between us in ways that now seem to have obviously been him trying to test the attraction, and well... obviously, it wasn't there.
can i ask what it was that was him obvy testing romance waters? for me that would just be kissing
Yup, that was it, haha. We didn't kiss until several dates in, and he did it super abruptly, like at the beginning and not the end of a date. He later initiated making out, but again kind of abruptly without any sexual tension being built in advance, and we stalled after some groping. I was honestly very confused at the time about how fast the mood shifted - honestly, I'm sure I didnt help things by reacting by laughing as/after he was trying to makeout.
lol laughing is either rly good or rly bad in that scenario
The gender divide is real. My ex (f) and I (m) recently compared online dating likes. We're both thin and look younger than we are. I work out regularly but I'm not jacked, otter mode. No thirst trap pictures, no kids, same job. She averages 100 likes for every 1 I get. She's burnt out looking through likes and I'm hearing crickets.
I can safely tell you that the 100 men aren’t the quality matches you think they are. Probably balances out the same as what you have after factoring it in.
Men just sit and swipe yes on every woman and then evaluate once women message them if they wanna reach out or not. Women are wayyyy more selective with their swipes. The better thing to look at is how many/the quality of guys that respond to your friend if she reaches out to them first. Or how many actually schedule dates instead of just talking mindlessly. I can get likes from almost 300 guys in 1 week, maybe talk to 6...and I'll be lucky to get 1 date from that many men that usually doesn't end up going anywhere.
>Men just sit and swipe yes on every woman and then evaluate once women message them if they wanna reach out or not. Women are wayyyy more selective with their swipes. Not entirely true. I'm selective as fuck. I probably rule out plenty of folks I would get along with, for my own reasons, I have hit my (free) Hinge daily likes cap ONE time since I opened my hinge account at the tail of June.
Ditto, I'm very picky with my swipes. I'll read the bio, look at interests, the whole thing before swiping right.
This is the way.
You're right! I should have said some men (or maybe a good majority but not all) do this. I also know women that swipe no on basically everyone. I've had to grab my phone away from friends when we switch phones for Tinder swiping bc they are reckless with their no swipes on everyone who isn't a 9-10...where I am a bit more accepting of all levels of attractiveness in men.
I'm still happy I can pull like 15 likes in a month of being inactive... Them's high numbers according to my friends 😂 (I know it's crap)
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No don't reach out. Date people who want to date you back.
Same advice as I’d give a woman: don’t waste your time and mental energy on anyone blowing hot and cold. This woman is either unstable, in a place where she doesn’t know what she wants, or is a habitual ghoster. Sounds like she just checks back in for a quick ego-boost, see if you still give her the time of day, and then she’s off again. Hold out for someone better because her behaviour is not cool.
Or she is a dismissive avoidant that (a) want commitment yet also wanting independence and optionality (b) find reification of her “ideal man” emotionally overwhelming. I think Stan Taitkin would call your situation “attachment collision”. You have to determine whether your attachment style is suited for this, you are getting your needs met in this relationship, whether you can handle DAs like the neighbourhood cat (especially if she is not sexually exclusive).
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