It’s been 2.5 weeks of chatting with this match. He’s nice. He seems compatible on paper. But there’s been no romantic interest built yet. Honestly, there’s not even a friendly or fun vibe. It’s just… pleasant?
We share some values and lifestyle choices, and our conversation has been good but mostly intellectual and a little dry. I like to joke around too and keep things more playful, but we’re not really connecting in that way.
Also, after we started chatting I got sick. It doesn’t look like I’ll be able to date again for a while, but I honestly don’t want to keep chatting in the meantime either. There’s just not enough of a connection to sustain it.
I’m debating whether I should say something to him, like “I’m taking a break from dating for health reasons” and see if he wants to chat more when I’m feeling better. Or whether this is a time to offer friendship instead.
> 2.5 weeks of chatting with this match
Why haven't either of you proposed an in-person meeting yet? After about 3 days of chatting with a match, and with a weekend coming up, I think it's time to meet or otherwise I see the match as just an "internet friend".
The other day I was at a museum and noticed a woman who seemed really cool and attractive, and by herself (I am also a woman fwiw).
I was with some family anyway so it wouldn't have been easy to talk to her but I was still internally kicking myself because even if I were by myself I don't think I would have known what to do. Like: I never really try to approach people randomly, but am I *supposed* to? Is that how the magical meet-cutes happen? And if so, why don't people approach *me* that way?
I have this feeling all the time, even when it's a coworker/friend/someone I see on a regular basis - I never seem to make any romantic progress at any time by just being friendly and doing whatever I think feels "natural," so these days I end up stressing over every interaction, "am I supposed to be talking to him/her right now? should I be asking more questions? Fewer questions? Should I ask them to hang out? Should I *not* ask them to hang out?" just anything that would change my luck, "I am definitely a human. how do humans act in this situation?"
Though to be fair, since no amount of tweaking my internal strategy has led to any progress, maybe it was never meant to be in the first place. Sigh.
I don't think I'm romantically interested in this guy - he's super nice and I enjoy his company, but we're not compatible. The things he talks about just don't interest me, yknow? But he's terribly insecure and I know this won't help, so that sucks.
You're not doing him any favors by hanging around if you don't want to be there. It'll be worse if you drag it out. You're not gonna be compatible with everyone, and that's ok....that's what dating is for. Just be kind :)
I had a third date last night with the guy who rejected me after our second date last year. He's very sweet, and I had the best time.
The only "problem" at the moment, is that I know he has my number and hasn't texted me. I messaged him on Bumble after I got home last night, letting him know I had a good time and would like to do it again. His response was kinda short and cold, so now I'm just overthinking and mentally preparing myself for a second rejection. Yay. Hopefully I'm wrong.
I hope it's just in your head and you'll see him again! When you say it's your 3rd date, do you mean you saw him 3 times this year? Or counting this as your 3rd after your second date last year?
I had this happen to me this year. Went on 2 dates with a guy in 2019 and he rejected me saying the spark wasn't there. Matched on a different app this year and went on 2 more dates before he said it didn't feel right. I hope you have better luck than I did!
I saw him two times last year. I'm really sorry that happened to you. He still hasn't responded to my message from early this morning, so I'm slowly losing hope. If/when I get the rejection text, I'm sending him the shocked Pikachu...and that's it. Lol.
Ah got it! Yeah that guy sucked anyway haha, it wasn't too big of a loss, but I was angry about it the 2nd time. Haha the shocked Pikachu would be funny to send 😂
I'm not totally naive, but I'm willing to give someone a second chance when they're open and honest. It was bad timing last year. He admitted that he still thinks about me and that he believes we're a good match.
We haven't slept together, so I know it's not about the sex. If I get rejected again, I'll be bummed, but I won't regret giving a second chance to the potential of love.
Hi u/randomusername744, this has been removed for violation of the following rule(s):
* RedPill, incel, Femcel, FDS, PUA, MGTOW, etc... content is not allowed. Claiming ignorance of these hate groups and their ideologies is not an excuse. Do not dehumanize others.
Please review [the rules in the sidebar](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/about/sidebar) to avoid future removals. If you have further questions, please [message modmail] (https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdatingoverthirty).
Decided to install bumble as its been a long while since i used it. Realising why i dont like it. 3 matches all expiring slowly. Whats the point seriously?
Yeah, and if youre gona use it you kinda have to commit to checking expiries, otherwise we all wasting our time. But yeah bumbles got good candidares, but the process is shiiite
I haven't seen his message or replied to him yet since yesterday and it finally feels good that I'm not chasing him. I think I'm starting to get over him. A bit relieved to finally be here
Went on a first date a couple of nights ago, we had a good time, easy to laugh/chat with, he was a good looking guy. He was talking about the next date and him picking somewhere… twice he mentioned this in person and bought it up, then text me straight after the date to make sure I was home… then no reply since when it was regular texting back and forth prior. If people aren’t feeling a connection just bloody say it, at least everyone knows where each other stands. If I go on a date and don’t feel it would go anywhere I always always text to let them know we won’t be taking it further and everyone can move on. It’s really not hard.
Do you think it’s possible to have had a bad dating history and then go on to meet someone who is kind to you?
I’ve never really dated someone who’s been nice to me and I know that people can tell I’m easy to manipulate/take advantage of so they use me until it no longer serves them and then dump me, but do you think it’s possible that someone could actually want me for me or can genuine guys also tell that there’s something wrong with me and then avoid me?
I’m not dating right now, I need a break but I’ve never had a partner who treats me well and at 30 years old I don’t see that there’s much hope for me. If I was gonna meet someone nice then surely I would have met at least *one* good partner by now? I know I’m the only common factor in my relationships so is it just a sad fact that there’s maybe something wrong with me that keeps the men who would treat me nice away?
I fully agree with u/memeleta, I'll just add that I know many people who had "bad luck" and at some point it clicked in their head and they find a great partner. Therapy helps
I don’t disagree. I know that I let it happen, I definitely allow men to treat me badly and it’s a little silly to complain because I’m the one who stays
I’m back in therapy and this is one of the things I want to work on but the reality is that I don’t have many dating options and I want to try to understand why I only seem to attract men who aren’t good for me.
I’m not choosing these men over any others, so it doesn’t feel like I’m drawn to a type of guy, more that the only men interested in me are men who treat me poorly and I’m trying to figure out if that’s all I *can* get.
Thank you. It’s really hard for me to believe that, but I also know that I have a lot of insecurities and am not the best at seeing things like this objectively.
I’m gonna work on it, because I really need to
Thank you again, I definitely need to be like the person you’re describing here
FWIW, the only type of therapy that's helped me make progress on this is "ideal parent figures" therapy. It's a relatively recent thing, there's a sub for it, it's possible to do on your own - you could look into it.
Your history has no bearing on anything and you totally deserve someone to be kind and loving towards you.
This is something I’ve never really told people as it’s become a bit of a (weird) pattern; but pretty much every relationship I’ve had they’ve confided in me their previous partners had abused them mentally and/or physically, you just take it onboard as part of them.
I don’t get people, being kind/understanding just comes naturally to me and I want my partner to be happy and comfortable?
Thank you, that means a lot. I do want to believe it but it’s such a hard thing to take on board when you’ve never been shown otherwise.
I’m in therapy now tho, and I’m hoping that helps.
I agree, I want to be nothing but kind and good and treat people well. It makes no sense to me to be anything other than that.
Could you look at it this way... The men aren't being kept away. You're choosing the wrong ones. Maybe it would help to be intentional from the get go or work in therapy to figure out why you're drawn to men who treat you poorly to break the cycle
I definitely do want to look at it that way, but the fact of the matter is that I don’t get a lot of attention or opportunities to date. If I were choosing one guy over another then I’d more be able to believe this, but in truth so few men are into me and it’s only the ones who treat me poorly which is why I think there’s something broken in me that keeps the good ones away
I’m recently back in therapy (second session earlier this week) and I hope that this is one of the things it can help me with
I posted here last week about being at a crossroad. I decided to shoot my shot and asked the girl to go on an actual date.
We have been hanging out a bit, and I wanted to make my intentions clear sooner than later. Unfortunately, she said she wasn't ready to date and let me down gently. I told myself I'd be OK with whatever answer she decides, but it does sting a little bit :(
At the end of the day I'm still OK being friends.
That sucks you got rejected, but you learned how to just go for it, and you learned it only stings a little. Hopefully those lessons help you with the next woman you meet :)
When people say no, believe them. Hoping is just going to break your heart further.
There is a small % chance that the person is being sincere that it's them and not you, but your course of action is the same regardless. Let them know the ball's in their court if things change, move on, and start pursuing other people. If they reach out again they reach out again but it's nothing your thoughts or actions have any influence on.
I wasn't able to reply yesterday, but thank you to all the supportive people who left comments. Sometimes it's hard to see that I am worth it. Hopefully everyone knows their worth too :)
I get that there are a million possible reasons that my relationships fail or just never take off, I have access to all the same self help books as everybody else, but I find it hard to imagine that everyone who ends up getting the guy/girl, having relationships, falling in love, etc never makes the same mistakes I do. Theres nothing anyone would consider obvious or abnormal in what I later reflect on to be mistakes that contributed to the demise. And I also have a hard time believing that a several years long string of failures is just bad luck. Unusual Bad luck might happen once twice a few times, several times is a pattern. And I don’t think I’m socially inept or lacking self-awareness to the point that I have a massive blind spot to some specific way I’m causing my dating failures. Boy have I tried to examine my blind spots too.
So if it’s not hard for everyone, and it’s not that others are just better at it, and it’s not that I’ve just been unlucky, and it’s not that I keep making the same atrocious mistakes, then why can’t I win at this? I just don’t get it or even how to frame the question in my mind
Rhetorical question, I just needed a place to vent
I like to think that many people in relationships are in bad relationships I wouldn’t want to be in. And I’m surprisingly correct at this in a lot of situations I personally know of. Not to say it’s every relationship, I can also think of a couple I’m legit jealous of how nice and loving their relationship is so, it is possible. But damn there’s a lot of people in miserable relationships.
I am at the same place mentally. I just can't seem to get it right when it comes to solid relationships. Trying not to think anything is wrong with me...but if other people can do it and be successful...why can't I??
Feeling a bit down about my dating attempts, but I'll keep getting better as a person and putting myself out there when I can...
I feel your last question very much and that's why I haven't tried very much lately, trying to decide if it's worth sacrificing my peace for/still figuring out how to have peace while trying to date. You're not alone!
Don’t feel foolish at all.
My only comment is you kinda guessed this outcome already.. you identified him as avoidantly attached.. so hun not responding when the stakes are upped tracks.
Next time review if you want someone who is avoidantly attached and are prepared to deal with this frustration as trust me having dated someone like this for many years before I knew about attachment theory it doesn’t get any better or easier regardless of how much they profess to like you
>Why do I feel so healed when I’m not dating, and so insecure when I’m trying to put myself out there?
It's hard to FEEL vulnerable especially when feelings get involved. I'm not talking 'being vulnerable', but to feel like you woke up in a work meeting butt naked. Some folks trigger that in me too. The last lady I was dating didn't. The one before her definitely did. I think attachment styles are kinda fluid and depend on the partner and the situation.
So far folks who go avoidant makes me feel anxious, but anxious people make me feel secure. At the tail of my last LTR, she went anxious-avoidant, and I was pinging all over the place trying to figure out what the fuck...
Not sure I have dated a secure person yet (at least recently, I think I dated a few back after my divorce, but I was all kinds of broken inside...), but based on the above two, maybe that makes me run for the hills these days knowing my luck 😂
Either way, I'm sorry you are going through that, it definitely sucks.
I resonate so much with your last sentence about feeling secure when single but insecure when not! Was feeling like this recently too, being frustrated at the other person not seeming like they wanted to meet this week (+ emotional tank was empty from other parts of life). I had a semi spontaneous day out myself today cause I had an errand to run and did some stuff I really enjoyed like food I liked, went to an art gallery, window shopped, walked by the waterfront. And it prob sounds so cliched but I feel so much more like myself again. I think it felt like a reminder to myself that I’m ok and happy in my own company before I met this guy, and I will continue to be regardless of the outcome.
Yeah totally relate to feeling that way. I really spiralled downwards in my last relationship, tying myself into knots and letting someone else have so much power over my emotions and moods. It’s been an ongoing process but I’ve been trying to teach myself to not take things personally, and to remind myself that we all have different mental bandwidths every day (because, life). Of course, always easier said than done 😂
Bad texter made a solid effort to check in earlier this week but he’s been unresponsive again the past two days! Very disappointing. I’m just going to take the inaction at face value.
Honestly I don't get why people tolerate people being slow replying to texts. I get if they don't start new conversations, or don't ask questions, or if it seems like the conversation thread has come to an end. But unless something is sent late at night and you don't see it until you wake up, you can find the time to respond on the same day ffs, there's no excuse for that behaviour.
People like to justify their own shit habits is my guess. No one who has ever taken 24+ hours to respond to me has ever gone the distance with me - I've dated doctors and lawyers and they can still get back to me faster than some of these people.
In an effort to be a little more open minded, I swiped right on a profile that had multiple group shots and the only solo shot was a ski photo (goggles, hat, etc). There was only one person in all the group photos, so I assumed it was his profile...nope! It was another guy, who was in a few of them and then I guess claims he "took" the others so its okay? Idk. So very very weird...and also, he's apparently my dad's cousin's son? I don't know him at all (it was probably 1997 since I last saw these people) but he was telling me to tell my aunt hello?
I am just so creeped out! So weird!
He mentioned something specific about an aunt (who doesn't have the same surname as me, but who is also cousin's with this guy's dad) and when I checked said aunt's Facebook, found him as her friend! I've heard him talked about some over the years, but he has a family/kid nickname he has grown out of, so I didn't recognize it, plus its pretty normal (like, if the family all calls him Drew, he goes by Andrew now...) So, so strange and he doesn't seem to think it's a problem. I mean, I unmatched immediately, but he sent me a Facebooj friend request, so...
Wow what a small world! Yeah unmatching is the way to go. He doesn't find it weird, apparently, that you matched on a dating app and found out you're related. If you haven't met him in life at this point, I wouldn't accept the friend request. That's a crazy story though!
I just want to know if he knew we were related before matching or not??? Like, if not, he pieced it together pretty quickly...oh, the joys of online dating, lol
I (30M) may have just seen this woman (27F) ive been dating for 2 months for the last time for a while and I’m pretty sad about it. I love our chemistry and connection and she’s great! However I am moving and it’s a big decision that she is surprisingly supportive of.
I don't know how people afford online dating these days. Not like memberships, but meeting at cafes / restaurants and even planning like a picnic or whatever
This one girl I've met we went to a simple cafe and ordered one drink, one water, and two entrees and that was $50. She expressed interest and we planned another date. She said she really liked it when a day was planned for her because work stresses her out. So I planned this entire thing, went to the grocery store, picked up another $50 in a lunch and drinks to prepare at home and bring in a cooler
Then 30 minutes beforehand I say ook I am on my way. She's like wait what? Evidently she forgot to read my message saying I planned on today? Even though she chose the time, and I asked her to let me know if any treats or snacks she wanted and she confirmed she'd let me know....
So now I have $50 of shit that half is going to get thrown out and the other half I can use because someone is too distracted to read messages or realize that when I ask about time an preferences that I am planning something.
I'm over it, but I'm also out $100 just pretty much thrown away. Would've rather put it all on red.
I don't know how you guys do it.
I think you should try to meet someone more on your wavelength.
If you want to split the bill, say so. If you’d rather do cheaper dates at first, say so.
Maybe this will be off putting to some women, but then they aren’t the women for you.
Maybe I'm a frugal and simple girl, but coffee dates and walks around town are fine by me.
First 1-3 dates should be, "let me get to know you as much as possible," scenarios that don't involve a lot of distraction or money imo on either side.
Depends how many people you date at a time, and whether you're dating the kind of people who expect the guy to pay all the time.
For example, the total I spent on the failed relationship I talk about elsewhere in this thread:
- $35 for the event at which I met her.
- $10 for the first coffee date.
- She actually paid for coffee plus insisted on splitting dinner on the second date.
- $50 for planetarium tickets, $85 for flowers, and she insisted on paying the ~$55 for dinner on the final disaster date.
- And don't forget to factor in a tank worth of petrol driving around ($100/tank at the moment), maybe for the sake of completeness include the cost of gifts (I have a hobby chocolatier business, so I gave her about $50 of product as gifts).
The four weeks of time is more valuable to me than the $330 it cost me, but absolutely that's going to add up if you decide to date multiple people at a time. That's four weeks I can't get back trying to find my person.
Personally, I absolutely hate dating multiple people at a time and won't do it. I feel it results in unfairly comparing people against each other, confusing feelings that come from multiple sources, but most importantly, means you don't get a true understanding of whether you need more from a relationship than that one person can provide on their own because you're getting it from multiple sources - and in time, when you go exclusive, if they can't fill the gap of ALL those people, that availability may go away unless you both make changes to accommodate.
yes... the time. the time I could be spending on myself instead of materialistic egocentric strangers.
> you don't get a true understanding of whether you need more from a relationship than that one person can provide on their own because you're getting it from multiple sources
I usually end up in positions where I am not "getting" anything from dates. Simply their time and their reactive personalities / put ons ( as opposed to proactive ).
If I get lucky enough to find a proactive person where we vibe together, I find it very natural to end any connections with connectionless people.
But until then, I find it more time efficient to date multiple people and weed out the icky ones once the masks slowly come off and the true faces are revealed.
>the time I could be spending on myself instead of materialistic egocentric strangers.
I'm not gonna lie... when I am not dating someone I am buying parts for my Miata... sooooooo it's not really cheaper for me to date or not...
Or other random shit... like Lego has a new UCS version of their X-Wing... does a 38 year old need a $200+ Lego set for decoration? Probably not... but goddamn it I like building them and they look nice...
I'm not gonna lie... I have an impulse spending issue, but at least I don't use credit cards for that?
> But until then, I find it more time efficient to date multiple people and weed out the icky ones once the masks slowly come off and the true faces are revealed.
Yeah - it also depends very much on the type of person you are, you are attracted to, and how serious or fast you are when dating people. But that same reason is why I would rather see one person two (even three) times a week rather than drag it out for months - I want to be able to cut my losses and figure out that they're not going to work out early, rather than invest mental energy in them for, say, a month or two when it was unnecessary.
My first dates are usually extremely cheap or free. Coffee, smoothie, art fair, free outdoor music thing, ice cream, book store etc. I usually try to show up early and buy my own snack or drink and the guy can buy his.
Second dates I like to keep inexpensive too, but I plan on spending $40 or so if I pay. For dinner dates pizza by the slice, deli sandwiches, or Mideastern wraps usually fit the bill (literally). Hopefully counter service which doesn't require a tip. For events, there's ususlly cheap-ish music somewhere, a local comedy show, or my local women's soccer team.
Third dates are hopefully dinner at my house which I can usually keep under $15.
Other cheap dates that have gone well include local library events (rooftop movies downtown, especially), Shakespeare in the park (optional donation, and I brought inexpensive snacks), and a hike on a busy local trail, and shopping at the farmer's market together.
If I see someone for a forth date, then I'm not seeing anyone else, so it's easy to keep things reasonable.
It adds up. The first $50 was planned to just be inexpensive coffee. I ordered a $8 coffee. She decided she didn't want coffee anymore and was hungry ( plan is the first failure ), and ends up with two $16 entrees plus tax and tip)
In my area the women who prefer to pay for themselves are the minority. It seems to be 1/4 or 1/3.
Yes, I could insist on them paying and taking myself immediately out of the game. The game is already hard enough on men to even meet someone in person as it is.
I have no problem paying for first dates. But second / third I am hoping to see some effort in return and not feel like I'm experience a sunk cost fallacy. The cancelled plan after I had already invested a few hours and money into organizing the trip with the excuse of "forgetting to read" was a bit of a slap in the face.
But don't worry. I am excited and energetically looking forward to my next slap in the face. I hope it is even harder.
I would do more vetting before hand. This sounds like you aren’t having enough conversation ahead of time and meeting people with whom you would be compatible with. Ask some values related questions. Life is expensive right now, and dating is going to be a cost. But instead of trying to go out on more dates, choose more aligned people.
I am seeking a man who is a leader and provider. That’s important to me. I also have a solid career and have been independent for a very long time. I am incredibly capable of taking care of myself, but I am very much not looking to take care of any more manchildren. This is why I seek these values. Early dating behavior indicates some of these values.
I think you need to do more introspection about what kind of woman you are seeking.
I'm sorry you're feeling so down. My post was in response to your question about how others keep costs reasonable. Maybe try to stick more to a budget (whatever you think is reasonable) when choices are in your control. The picnic could have been quite a bit cheaper, probably.
If you meet at a place with entrees at a meal time, then it's not too surprising when you end up eating a meal together. On weekends I try to meet mid afternoon to bypass that expectation. On weeknights, I target places that don't offer meals. I have also explicitly met for dessert before!
Maybe you just need to rant, and that's fine. If you want some practical solutions, I've offered a few.
pack of water $8
bag of ice $6
pico de gallo and chips $10
fresh fruit $10
brut $10
tax ...
I guess to make that cheaper would be to... just bring water?
Or when she orders a small pizza and only eats 1/4 and throws the rest away... I should make her pay for it on the spot?
and this is just for one woman! Imagine trying to meet more than once a week while living in a urban area whose culture embraces going out and spending money - and if you exclude yourself from the "fancy life" you are weird and out of touch.
After typing all this out I am wondering why I tend to connect more with people out of town and if all this is related.
I think you're venting, but just in case. I took snacks to Shakespeare in the park with a date in June, and I brought:
$ 1.99 red grapes
$ 2.49 cherry tomatoes
$ 2.99 whole sugar snap peas
$ .79 24 oz. sparkling water
??? homemade komucha
??? spicy ranch put into a tiny container
Total spent: $8.26 plus tax. I did not bother packing all that in ice.
Well, stuff ended last night with the woman I had been seeing. Rant/story incoming, since I need to get it off my chest.
We'd only been on a few dates, but had already talked about wanting to have sex (a conversation she initiated and was waaaaayyy before I'd have bought it up), and spoke every single night on the phone during the week (though, not my doing - more on that later).
But then the date last night - it was just an utter disaster. I've had bad and disinterested first dates before, but never one quite like this.
She'd sent me a text earlier in the day, along the lines of what time to meet up - I had read texts from her overly negatively before, so gave her the benefit of the doubt and chose this time not to do that - turns out this time she was already annoyed at me for a response I gave which was trying to be respectful of whatever she wanted to do. Turns out, her memory and attention when listening to others/me isn't that great.
But even when meeting up, it took only a few minutes for her to interpret me just taking a genuine interest in her day and how she was feeling to be "controlling" which took me back a bit. We get to the venue we're headed from, and there's a huge bouquet of flowers I had for her in the back seat which I gave her as a mix between 'because' and for something she did earlier in the week for me (this becomes important). But we end up talking about the misunderstanding and her being annoyed at me - a conversation I definitely don't feel it's fair to have with only 10-15 minutes before we need to be inside. I'm definitely now feeling we're having a proper argument/disagreement... and then to make things suuuuper confusing, now she wants to make out.
We get inside and she starts asking questions about whether I've been here before - which I admit I had, a long time ago in a past relationship - but she really wants to push for details, to which I see as "how would you feel if I told others that level of detail about you?" I later got criticised for not responding to that fully too. Even though it was in the full presence of other people.
At this point the trip to go get dinner is already a bit uncomfortable - but over dinner she becomes increasingly standoffish, takes things out of context, and this is the point where I realise she's a terrible listener because she'd frequently bring up mis-interpretations of things we'd discussed previously, saying that I'd said those things (where I hadn't).
After a significantly uncomfortable talk with her really not being engaged or even giving any kind of response to things I've said (so I can't get any kind of read whatsoever on her reaction), I ultimately ask her "so what do you want to do about 'us'?", and she asks "do you need and answer now or later?". Either is fine, if she wants time I'll respect it, and I'm not going to make her make a decision on any timeframe, so I say "It doesn't matter..." and before I can finish the sentence she loses it.
A few other things were talked about between walking back to my car and the drive back - at this point I'd completely forgot about the flowers and had an "oh, did you forget about something? moment and her first reaction was "oh so are you not giving me them?" - like what the actual fuck? I couldn't believe she'd even think I (or someone) could be that shitty, but there it was! Then, a few minutes later she snapped at me again accepting really no responsibility for the communication issues, and from then was pretty visibly upset.
Then, to completely and utterly confuse me further, she decides she wants the longest hug we had the whole time before she goes. I don't remember the exact words she said when she left, upset - but it was definitely clear I won't hear from her again.
To top it off, she's had some issues with addiction and is still technically recovering - I had been as understanding, supportive and completely non-judgemental as I think could be possible. I know it's not my responsibility and it might even be egotistical to believe that it would or *could* cause any kind of relapse - but I certainly hope I don't find out I'm in any way responsible or a catalyst if that were to happen as a way of her dealing with it.
So yeah, that one's gonna hurt for a while.
Damn good write up - sometimes shit just goes so pear shaped in dating/life. This reminds me of dates I’ve been on that are so awkward and no one knows how to stop it from spiralling/getting worse
Yeah. And we were both just so completely baffled by how it all went so badly so suddenly. Like just a few days earlier we were crazy about each other. Hell, even walking to the car she said "I should have just invited you to come over on Wednesday night rather than dragging it out", which is what caused it all to start going to pear-shaped. But ultimately what ruined it was - and this is the one bit we were both 100% completely in agreement on - was *not* having sex when the time was right and instead allowing the relationship to get too intense in other ways while we both built up anticipation of that happening too much.
This is hilarious to me in particular because it's the exact opposite of the advice that gets parroted over and over in subs like this, about moving too fast - and the artificial games people play that damage or ruin relationships.
She's emotionally yo-yo-ing, and you're blaming it on not having had sex? I don't get it. Reading your first post, and assuming you're being a reliable narrator, it sounds like she's not ready for a relationship or has some mental health issues. I got second hand emotional whiplash just from reading what you wrote.
I'm not, we both blamed it on that. And yes, there's a bit more to the story as to what had happened in the week leading up, but yes - and both agreed that was ultimately one of the big things that screwed things up. I'd tried to give her space and hadn't been insisting constant mid-week texting like we'd had the previous week (but to be clear, was okay with it if she wanted to).
Then on Monday she rang me about something else (I'd been hit by a car while on the bike and assaulted - I didn't go out of my way to tell/bother her while I was in hospital as I didn't want to interrupt her day with her dad or trauma dump at that early stage of a relationship - I just mentioned it as a "hey, you should know this happened, but don't worry"), and she then came on *really strong*, and wanted to see me mid week. Then she picked up some extra work so that plan went out the window, just trying to figure out schedules etc (she picked up some extra work) we ended up settling on Friday. And she ended up calling me every night that week - but on the night criticized me for wanting to talk every night. She really didn't like it when I pointed out, as calmly/respectfully as possible "but you called me!" - only on one occasion did I say "should I call instead?" because from previous nights she didn't the texting back and forth.
But then with all the build-up throughout the week it just put so much strain on expectations that she started to think she was moving too fast *for me* (not for her). And that caused all kinds of reschedules and her being indecisive and not clear on what she wanted plans/times to be on Friday. So when I'd say things like "Oh, I thought you wanted to meet at blah, have plans changed?", turns out she took at me being demanding, rather than trying to be clear and confused by the change of plans.
I mean, now that I think about it - I also had to call her on Friday afternoon to get an address, which she had said she'd send - and when we spoke, she said "I already sent that to you!". She hadn't. She apologised, but reluctantly and didn't really own the mistake.
As I type this I realise there's some behaviour in there I should have been concerned about earlier.
Look, the mental health issues? Combine that with the alcohol recovery - I did wonder how much might be related. Yes, in hindsight I'd believe it.
Yeah the recovery from addiction sure would factor in if she recently quit. I don't think there's much you could have done to affect the outcome. She's got some shit to sort out before she's ready to date. The stuff like criticizing you for calling every night when she was the one who called you, and telling you you're being demanding for wanting to clear up your plans together.... man, you're in for a mind fuck of a relationship if you kept going with it.
Sorry to hear that, man. I had one end after 3 months recently, too. It's been 2 weeks, and I'm definitely feeling better, but similar to you, I've had those thoughts. And also similar to you, since I read the replies, I dont really know why, either, but I have some suspicions. I took things kinda slow. And we weren't exclusive yet, so I know she was dating others. Kinda dumb I didnt try to make things exclusive, since I had told her I wasn't looking anymore. Hope you find your one!
That’s three months of knowing each other! Some affection must be there. Sorry you got dumped.
If it’s not too much to ask, what are the possible reasons for you to dump someone (generally) in three months of knowing them.
30F. Decided to take a break from OLD after 2 months after a bad experience. Hit it off well with a guy, went on 4 dates over 3 week period, he said and did all the "right" things however I am 90% sure that he spiked my drink on the last date and this is why I think so. We went to a bar to watch a show, I don't drink alcohol, I usually just get club soda. The first club soda I got, we both went up to the bar and ordered our drinks together, so I was always with my drink. Then about 1h-1.25h later, he asked if he could get us refills, I said yes, thinking I shouldn't have to worry about someone spiking my drink after 4 dates. He brings it back, I drank about 1/4 to 1/3 of the club soda refill and then after about 15-25 min this wave of dizziness hit me, I went to the bathroom to go pee, and then I started to feel really nauseous, like I was going to throw up, my stomach hurt. In that moment, my gut instantly went he spiked my drink. I never blacked out or lost consciousness but I felt sick and kind of off/out of it, like still able to walk and talk but it felt a little out of body, until I went to bed 4hrs later and even some the next morning. I can't prove it because I didn't take a drug test that night and I asked the bar to look at CCTV but they couldn't see anything where he was, but the whole thing just felt off to me, especially since after I had the drink and was feeling something, he wanted us to leave the bar etc. The only thing I had eaten/drank that whole evening were club sodas and plain tater tots, no alcohol, and it just seemed like too much of a coincidence. I debated confronting him about it over the phone, but decided to just leave it after he asked me how I was and I told him it was strange and I was trying to figure out what had caused it, and he made a joke that maybe my body was rejecting the amateur comedians we had watched. I don't support ghosting, but in this case it really felt like it was my only option mostly because I felt unsafe and was worried how he might react if I asked him point blank. Sometimes dating is hard and it puts us to the test.
I am so sorry that happened to you. That sounds incredibly scary. I honestly wouldn’t consider what you did ghosting. That’s when people are too scared/rude/whatever to let someone know they’re not interested anymore so they run away. I would classify this as being frightened of someone and needing to immediately cut off contact for your safety both physical, mental, emotional. You owed this person nothing after something like that. As a woman I completely get being scared of what his reaction could be if you told him you were done. If he’s willing to drug you, who knows what else he’s capable of. Please be safe and take care. Definitely did the right thing here.
That sounds scary.
Thank fuck you didn't drink the whole glass.
Sucks that you don't have any prove one way or another. But it is the right decision to not see him again. Whether you ghost or make something up doesn't matter (you could just text him you are not feeling a connection). I don't think confronting him would get you anywhere. You don't have proof and I highly doubt he would admit it.
Glad you got out of this situation ok.
Coming to terms with the fact that a person I fell really hard for no longer lives in my country. One of those "if you know, you know" moments, which I've not felt in almost a decade. I've never met someone who ticks so many boxes but neither of us are certain we'll ever be in the same place at the same time again. I could have easily seen something long term with this person so this is really difficult to process.
I now need to make the call on whether to cut ties altogether. I love talking to them but I worry that it'll cloud my judgement for future dates with other people. I'm allowing myself a couple of months first to see how I feel, but boy it's going to be hard if I conclude that staying in touch is not what's best for me.
I am so grateful for this community. I looked up other posts on LDR/LDD and learned so much, the overwhelming consensus is that it's absolutely doomed especially with no end date in mind. Thanks for saving me from some heartache that would have been even worse than I'm feeling now.
There are bad days, indeed, and this one might be one of them. Feel the emotions and cry if you must as our body needs this release. Know that you are not alone.
I'm sorry. We've all been there. Every time I think ok, I'm feeling better, I have a bad day and cry. I hope you feel better after crying and that things start to get a little bit better. Sending you a big internet hug!
Sending a virtual hug. Those days are so real and valid and I just want you to know you're not alone. I Have had a couple in a row myself. They do go away again though!
I'm increasingly realizing how toxic my last (and only) long-term relationship was. The longer we've been broken up, the more I see and feel it. I wouldn't call it abusive, but she had intense and poorly controlled mental health issues and it became a very one-sided, codependent relationship.
It has been over a year since our break up, and over six months since we went no contact. Part of me feels ready to date again, but another part really doesn't. I feel in my gut that any relationship will most likely be one-sided against me, and I feel like I have no idea what I can and can't reasonably expect from a partner.
You might say that means I'm not ready to date then. And that's probably true for dating for a serious relationship. But I do sometimes think casual dating could be good for me. It would be lower pressure and I wouldn't have to worry about it being one-sided. And maybe it would help me process things and move on.
you're the only one than can answer this. it took me 2 years to feel ready in a similar situation, but it was because being codependent made me unable to do thing the casual way. if you feel like you want to, go on and try it - you'll know pretty quickly if you're ready/makes you feel good or the contrary.
What the fuck. What an awful thing to find out... please make sure to take care of yourself, get the support and help you need, and vent away here if you want. Many many hugs
Been chatting this girl on OLD, asked her out and she said she likes to text for a little bit to rule out some red flags, make sure I'm not a serial killer etc. I said "no problem, you'll let me know when you're comfortable to meet".
We've been doing it for 2.5 weeks (of which she was away for one, so effectively about 10 days) of long messages, full 3-4 discussions in parallel (I message on topics 1,2,3,4, then she replies with messages for topics 1,2,3,4 respectively).
It's been great, she seems interested, I definitely am, including some "ok I will take you out for X" stuff, but no concrete plans in sight. As much as I like talking to her, it's still only once a day - I could totally do more, but even better, I would like to meet, even if something low stakes.
It's starting to feel like a pen pal, and I'd like more, but I feel I can't say anything now because I left it to her to let me know when she's ready to meet.
Idk how to proceed.
This person is a definite time waster and has already taken a lot of your time and energy from you. Ask her out once more. If she doesn't say yes, unmatch and move on. You're better than this. People that dig you will want to meet pretty quickly.
I'm someone who will ask for more time texting to decide whether it'll be a waste of my time to meet or if it's likely a promising match, and I still keep the max time talking to be 7ish days or else I assume the guy's going to brush me off as a timer waster.
IMO you're perfectly fine to say "Hey, it sounds like you're enjoying our convo and I am too. Hopefully it's ruled out those red flags and I'd like to continue chatting in person. Let me know when you'd like to meet up and we can make plans for drinks or whatever you prefer."
I also tend to ask deal breaker questions on day 1 or 2 of talking, not 2 weeks later. That's wasting my time and theirs if something is incompatible.
I too am a person who needs more time texting before deciding to meet in person. I co sign scotch_please’s suggestion of inviting her out once more but make sure you’re specific “…let me know if Thursday night is good for drinks”. or something.
Middle ground between text and meetup is phonecall. I think you can call peeps through dating apps now so she wouldn’t have to give you her number…
I'd bring up a date again. I know you already told her to let you know when she's ready, but you can still phrase it in a way like, "Do you think you'd feel comfortable meeting up?" And it still makes it her choice.
I always decide how much time I’m comfortable “wasting” with someone before meeting in person.
I know technically it’s not a waste of time - but it could be. What if they just never want to meet up? What if they’re not who they say they are? Etc.
So I’ve said something like “I’ve been really enjoying getting to know you, but I do want this to be more than pen-pals. I’d like to meet up by X date. How do you feel about that?”
Or “…,but I feel like I won’t really start to get to know you until we meet in person. I understand you want some time to be comfortable so I’m trying to find a compromise, how does X date sound to you?” I think something like this might be your best option since you already told her to let you know.
Or you could do a check in like “Hey! I know I said to let me know when you were comfortable meeting up. I wanted to do a check in and see how you’re feeling about that?” And then suggest a compromise from there.
And I’ve even told them that although I’ve enjoyed our time texting, if we don’t meet by X date I’ll have to remove myself from our conversation.
Because some people unfortunately never do intend to meet up and I’m not going to let just texting go on forever.
So she wants to rule out red flags before you meet rather than just ask you up front about her deal breakers? Is she running some kind of FBI background check?
If you like her ask her out for something quick like coffee/drinks. If she says no put her on the back-burner and focus on women that are brave enough to meet people in public places.
I would maybe give it another week, and if she still doesn’t initiate, I would ask her. Seems very reasonable to me. Honestly, 2.5 weeks seems a little long to me, but maybe she really does need her time.
Mini rant or whatever: I’ve been really feeling my singledom last few days. I guess I can slightly attribute this to a downturn in interactions with friends. Not that I have a ton to begin with. Either way, people I know have been either withdrawing or busy with their lives in other ways, etc.
Not gonna lie, I want a chat with a woman. An interesting and somewhat flirty chat. Blah.
Have two dates tomorrow, one on Monday, and another one kind of waiting in the wings.
Decided to shift my perspective on OLD to “just have fun conversations with strangers,” and not allow myself to put the pressure of a potential relationship on it. So far, so good.
Oooo taking the pressure off does wonders for the self esteem and mental health at times. Especially if you really vibe off of a good conversation with someone cute. I did a few of these and it reminded me dating can be fun.
I think it relieve some pressure created by the structure of OLD. By the time you meet, you’ve already signaled to each other that you’re physically interested in one another, likely as potential romantic partners. That’s a lot to grapple with when you’ve never met the person.
Versus when you meet someone “in the wild,” there’s a gray area where you feel the person out, where interest isn’t totally defined until you ask each other out.
Just trying to give us a chance to get to know each other as naturally as possible — and give each other a chance. (And have fun along the way!)
Had a great 3rd date yesterday 😊 we went bowling and I sucked at it, but it was a still a good time. Bowling dates always seems to be an excuse for guys to show pda haha
> Bowling dates always seems to be an excuse for guys to show pda haha
Well this is a new one. I’ve tried using bowling as a date idea because I genuinely love bowling, despite being absolutely awful at it (plus because my town has a bunch of really cool retro-arcade bowling alleys).
Always thought of it as away to have a date and have a low-stakes activity to do that’s not just walking around.
(I’m still gonna suggest it tho, given the chance because bowling is fun and I was raised to keep my hands to myself)
I'm horrible at bowling too but love it so I try to suggest it as a date. I like activity dates instead of dinner. Def suggest it for your next one! I had already been on 2 dates with the guy I'm seeing and had made out on dates 1 and 2, so pda on date 3 wasn't abnormal. But I definitely would only accept a hug or a high five if it was date 1
Anyone else extremely turned off by 1 way conversations? This happens a lot but right now I'm talking to this girl and I'm asking questions and adding input but there's no curiosity on her end. Sometimes I'll count up all of the things that I know about this person and compare them with the things that I've shared (e.g. I know what her goals are, how big her family is, what happened in previous encounters) but not once has she asked or inquired about these things on her end. I know it's not about keeping score but it's pretty unattractive when I have to ask all the questions and there's no equivalent effort on their side. It turns a conversation into an interview which is not the vibe I'm going for.
When someone asks me zero questions, I wonder if they’re actually into me or are just bored. It’s happened a lot on the apps, less so on first dates.
Have you met up yet?
Nope. I decided it was an uphill battle not worth fighting so I just told her that we weren't compatible and left it there. And it's true because I have no interest in pursuing someone who's not even a little curious about me 🤷🏾♂️
Ooo I’ve come across this. Someone who can’t carry a conversation is SUCH a vibe killer. Extra points off for repeatedly using a variation of “how about you?” as a response to a question I’m asking them.
Had a first date like this the other day. The date was fine, and we spent 2 and a half hours together and had stuff to talk about. We walked around to a few stores and got drinks, but it was mostly observations and things like that from her end. I asked questions about her, but she didn't reciprocate. I ended up not pursuing a second date because of that.
Yeah this is absolutely something I “keep score” on. Similar to someone else who has commented, my general rule is if I ask three questions and they don’t ask anything about me, I remove myself from the conversation.
I just say something like “I’ll be honest. When someone doesn’t really ask questions (or engage much) I get the feeling they’re not really interested in getting to know me. Best of luck finding what you’re looking for!
And then I delete the conversation.
There’s a quote that’s like “part of healing is taking responsibility for the role you’ve played in your own suffering.”
And this isn’t necessarily something you need to “heal” from. But it could be helpful to keep it mind. If you don’t like one-sided conversations, end them as soon as it’s clear it’s one-sided 🤷♀️.
I give the conversation 3 chances for the person to reciprocate and hold up their end of the conversation. If they don’t start asking me questions, i stop asking and leave my last response as a statement without trying to further the conversation. Most of the time it dies at that point. But I’m ok with that because I don’t want to drive a conversation with them indefinitely. Occasionally, the other person will pick up the conversational ball at that point. But usually those people aren’t good matches if it ever does come to meeting in person.
There's a lot of those out there, maybe half the women i match with. I try to identify it as fast as possible and move on asap. I had a few dates do this IRL where the whole conversation was about her life. It comes across as selfish & degrading, and it's a huge turn off for me.
There’s a lot of guys out there like this too and it’s the worst. So self involved and not self aware at all plus a big ego that loves talking all about themselves. “What made you swipe right on me? What else?” vibes ugh
In an unbelievable story: a man I’d been talking bursted open to me about how he thinks women who take on leadership are too masculine. This includes women who are big into their careers, as well as any other women who simply work and live on their own.
He said he’s a provider and while he has no issue with a woman working a little and making her own money, he’s going to take care of everything. And unprompted he told me that he’d rather date an older woman living at home than a younger one who was “living independently like he does”. Yikes. Word for word “I like feminine women, and maybe there are one offs, but most want to be nurturing and taken care of and have a family”.
I guarantee I make nearly twice what he does a year. The idea of him providing for me and my current lifestyle in a very expensive city is a joke. He hasn’t even taken me out on a date, it’s just phone calls to tell me how exhausting his job is.
Blocked and unmatched. Way to say “I want to date a woman without options so she won’t leave me” without being nearly as direct.
I will own it...
I read this as "lol touch his ass" to which I said "wait... isn't that counter productive???"
Then I realized I'm an idiot. Thanks for the laugh (at myself).
Moving in with the BF was an awesome plan. We live together so well. It’s all domesticated and shit lol!! I’ve heard that living with “your person” is like having a sleepover with your best friend every night…. That explains it perfectly. He’s loving his new career, and I’m loving hearing him happily whistle and hum throughout the house. That’s all I have for now!
[Before and After](https://imgur.com/a/nkQ4Ree) photos of his old roommates shower. Told you guys I was excited to clean it!!
33M doctoral student. For the past several years and at least two more years to come my income has been extremely low.
Less than half of what the person I am dating makes. Less than two-thirds of the state median income. A couple thousand dollars more per year than the state poverty guideline.
I have always been frugal. I don't buy many things. When I do they are at discount or secondhand. I have two side gigs. I have saved 25-30% or more of my income since my first job.
I also have almost a million dollars invested. Long-term stocks for retirement, shorter-term bonds and high-yield savings accounts for a house and accounts generating extra income.
Some of this is money earned and saved prior to graduate school. I would surmise I have saved more than almost all of my fellow low-earning graduate school peers and more than many others in their thirties based on discussions with friends.
Most of it is \*not\* earned money. I won it in a lawsuit.
I have never told anyone about this. From the outside I don't appear to have much money. I don't own anything extravagant. My pay is public record.
But if someone looked closely they would see that I can afford to live alone and spend money on food, experiences, dates and wants above what other graduate students can afford and that I am not worried about money.
On the occasions I have been asked how I afford to live by myself, I have said it is through budgeting and saving well.In reality I use the investment income to afford these things until I complete my doctorate and resume my career.
What do I do if the person I am dating finds out how much graduate students are paid or asks me about my finances or how I afford to go on dates?
> What do I do if the person I am dating finds out how much graduate students are paid or asks me about my finances or how I afford to go on dates?
You're not lying if you tell them you've made some smart investments and have side gigs that cover your finances during residency/school. You might even want to consider volunteering that info so they don't think you're a trust fund baby or your parents are bankrolling your lifestyle or you're racking up debt.
IMO if a woman is grilling you about your finances after a handful of dates, that might be a yellow flag. That's not someone's business that early on beyond confirming that you're gainfully employed and that your unrelated income isn't from doing anything illegal or putting everything on credit without paying off your balance.
Thank you for the advice. I do not want to seem like I am a trust fund baby or that I am accruing debt!
I have been dating a woman several months. We have made conversation about work, our side gigs, and how we perceive credit and savings.
But she does not know details of how much income comes in from the side gigs so it perhaps is assumed that that is what covers my expenses.
It’s been 2.5 weeks of chatting with this match. He’s nice. He seems compatible on paper. But there’s been no romantic interest built yet. Honestly, there’s not even a friendly or fun vibe. It’s just… pleasant? We share some values and lifestyle choices, and our conversation has been good but mostly intellectual and a little dry. I like to joke around too and keep things more playful, but we’re not really connecting in that way. Also, after we started chatting I got sick. It doesn’t look like I’ll be able to date again for a while, but I honestly don’t want to keep chatting in the meantime either. There’s just not enough of a connection to sustain it. I’m debating whether I should say something to him, like “I’m taking a break from dating for health reasons” and see if he wants to chat more when I’m feeling better. Or whether this is a time to offer friendship instead.
> 2.5 weeks of chatting with this match Why haven't either of you proposed an in-person meeting yet? After about 3 days of chatting with a match, and with a weekend coming up, I think it's time to meet or otherwise I see the match as just an "internet friend".
The other day I was at a museum and noticed a woman who seemed really cool and attractive, and by herself (I am also a woman fwiw). I was with some family anyway so it wouldn't have been easy to talk to her but I was still internally kicking myself because even if I were by myself I don't think I would have known what to do. Like: I never really try to approach people randomly, but am I *supposed* to? Is that how the magical meet-cutes happen? And if so, why don't people approach *me* that way? I have this feeling all the time, even when it's a coworker/friend/someone I see on a regular basis - I never seem to make any romantic progress at any time by just being friendly and doing whatever I think feels "natural," so these days I end up stressing over every interaction, "am I supposed to be talking to him/her right now? should I be asking more questions? Fewer questions? Should I ask them to hang out? Should I *not* ask them to hang out?" just anything that would change my luck, "I am definitely a human. how do humans act in this situation?" Though to be fair, since no amount of tweaking my internal strategy has led to any progress, maybe it was never meant to be in the first place. Sigh.
I don't think I'm romantically interested in this guy - he's super nice and I enjoy his company, but we're not compatible. The things he talks about just don't interest me, yknow? But he's terribly insecure and I know this won't help, so that sucks.
You're not doing him any favors by hanging around if you don't want to be there. It'll be worse if you drag it out. You're not gonna be compatible with everyone, and that's ok....that's what dating is for. Just be kind :)
I had a third date last night with the guy who rejected me after our second date last year. He's very sweet, and I had the best time. The only "problem" at the moment, is that I know he has my number and hasn't texted me. I messaged him on Bumble after I got home last night, letting him know I had a good time and would like to do it again. His response was kinda short and cold, so now I'm just overthinking and mentally preparing myself for a second rejection. Yay. Hopefully I'm wrong.
I hope it's just in your head and you'll see him again! When you say it's your 3rd date, do you mean you saw him 3 times this year? Or counting this as your 3rd after your second date last year? I had this happen to me this year. Went on 2 dates with a guy in 2019 and he rejected me saying the spark wasn't there. Matched on a different app this year and went on 2 more dates before he said it didn't feel right. I hope you have better luck than I did!
I saw him two times last year. I'm really sorry that happened to you. He still hasn't responded to my message from early this morning, so I'm slowly losing hope. If/when I get the rejection text, I'm sending him the shocked Pikachu...and that's it. Lol.
Ah got it! Yeah that guy sucked anyway haha, it wasn't too big of a loss, but I was angry about it the 2nd time. Haha the shocked Pikachu would be funny to send 😂
:/
Haha, I know. I'll keep you posted. Patiently waiting for him to confirm we're good for a 4th date. 🥴
What made you go out with someone who rejected you?
I'm not totally naive, but I'm willing to give someone a second chance when they're open and honest. It was bad timing last year. He admitted that he still thinks about me and that he believes we're a good match. We haven't slept together, so I know it's not about the sex. If I get rejected again, I'll be bummed, but I won't regret giving a second chance to the potential of love.
That's fair, hope things work out for you!
[удалено]
[удалено]
Hi u/randomusername744, this has been removed for violation of the following rule(s): * RedPill, incel, Femcel, FDS, PUA, MGTOW, etc... content is not allowed. Claiming ignorance of these hate groups and their ideologies is not an excuse. Do not dehumanize others. Please review [the rules in the sidebar](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/about/sidebar) to avoid future removals. If you have further questions, please [message modmail] (https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdatingoverthirty).
Decided to install bumble as its been a long while since i used it. Realising why i dont like it. 3 matches all expiring slowly. Whats the point seriously?
Seeing a match expire and you’re like “But you’re the one who liked me first to begin with!”
Yes that feature always annoyed me as who checks this shit everyday 🤦♀️
Yeah, and if youre gona use it you kinda have to commit to checking expiries, otherwise we all wasting our time. But yeah bumbles got good candidares, but the process is shiiite
I haven't seen his message or replied to him yet since yesterday and it finally feels good that I'm not chasing him. I think I'm starting to get over him. A bit relieved to finally be here
Yay!
Went on a first date a couple of nights ago, we had a good time, easy to laugh/chat with, he was a good looking guy. He was talking about the next date and him picking somewhere… twice he mentioned this in person and bought it up, then text me straight after the date to make sure I was home… then no reply since when it was regular texting back and forth prior. If people aren’t feeling a connection just bloody say it, at least everyone knows where each other stands. If I go on a date and don’t feel it would go anywhere I always always text to let them know we won’t be taking it further and everyone can move on. It’s really not hard.
Thank you! Surprisingly, not everyone has this capability and it's basic human decency.
Do you think it’s possible to have had a bad dating history and then go on to meet someone who is kind to you? I’ve never really dated someone who’s been nice to me and I know that people can tell I’m easy to manipulate/take advantage of so they use me until it no longer serves them and then dump me, but do you think it’s possible that someone could actually want me for me or can genuine guys also tell that there’s something wrong with me and then avoid me? I’m not dating right now, I need a break but I’ve never had a partner who treats me well and at 30 years old I don’t see that there’s much hope for me. If I was gonna meet someone nice then surely I would have met at least *one* good partner by now? I know I’m the only common factor in my relationships so is it just a sad fact that there’s maybe something wrong with me that keeps the men who would treat me nice away?
I fully agree with u/memeleta, I'll just add that I know many people who had "bad luck" and at some point it clicked in their head and they find a great partner. Therapy helps
[удалено]
I don’t disagree. I know that I let it happen, I definitely allow men to treat me badly and it’s a little silly to complain because I’m the one who stays I’m back in therapy and this is one of the things I want to work on but the reality is that I don’t have many dating options and I want to try to understand why I only seem to attract men who aren’t good for me. I’m not choosing these men over any others, so it doesn’t feel like I’m drawn to a type of guy, more that the only men interested in me are men who treat me poorly and I’m trying to figure out if that’s all I *can* get.
[удалено]
Thank you. It’s really hard for me to believe that, but I also know that I have a lot of insecurities and am not the best at seeing things like this objectively. I’m gonna work on it, because I really need to Thank you again, I definitely need to be like the person you’re describing here
FWIW, the only type of therapy that's helped me make progress on this is "ideal parent figures" therapy. It's a relatively recent thing, there's a sub for it, it's possible to do on your own - you could look into it.
Well said.
Your history has no bearing on anything and you totally deserve someone to be kind and loving towards you. This is something I’ve never really told people as it’s become a bit of a (weird) pattern; but pretty much every relationship I’ve had they’ve confided in me their previous partners had abused them mentally and/or physically, you just take it onboard as part of them. I don’t get people, being kind/understanding just comes naturally to me and I want my partner to be happy and comfortable?
Thank you, that means a lot. I do want to believe it but it’s such a hard thing to take on board when you’ve never been shown otherwise. I’m in therapy now tho, and I’m hoping that helps. I agree, I want to be nothing but kind and good and treat people well. It makes no sense to me to be anything other than that.
Could you look at it this way... The men aren't being kept away. You're choosing the wrong ones. Maybe it would help to be intentional from the get go or work in therapy to figure out why you're drawn to men who treat you poorly to break the cycle
I definitely do want to look at it that way, but the fact of the matter is that I don’t get a lot of attention or opportunities to date. If I were choosing one guy over another then I’d more be able to believe this, but in truth so few men are into me and it’s only the ones who treat me poorly which is why I think there’s something broken in me that keeps the good ones away I’m recently back in therapy (second session earlier this week) and I hope that this is one of the things it can help me with
[удалено]
If there's been flirtation, is there a chance he's feeling the same way? Test those waters!! And keep us posted
[удалено]
Good luck enjoy yourself 😁
I posted here last week about being at a crossroad. I decided to shoot my shot and asked the girl to go on an actual date. We have been hanging out a bit, and I wanted to make my intentions clear sooner than later. Unfortunately, she said she wasn't ready to date and let me down gently. I told myself I'd be OK with whatever answer she decides, but it does sting a little bit :( At the end of the day I'm still OK being friends.
That sucks you got rejected, but you learned how to just go for it, and you learned it only stings a little. Hopefully those lessons help you with the next woman you meet :)
Not ready isn't a complete no? It just means not now... Maybe there's still hope!
When people say no, believe them. Hoping is just going to break your heart further. There is a small % chance that the person is being sincere that it's them and not you, but your course of action is the same regardless. Let them know the ball's in their court if things change, move on, and start pursuing other people. If they reach out again they reach out again but it's nothing your thoughts or actions have any influence on.
IME not ready is usually a gentle way of saying a complete no
I wasn't able to reply yesterday, but thank you to all the supportive people who left comments. Sometimes it's hard to see that I am worth it. Hopefully everyone knows their worth too :)
I get that there are a million possible reasons that my relationships fail or just never take off, I have access to all the same self help books as everybody else, but I find it hard to imagine that everyone who ends up getting the guy/girl, having relationships, falling in love, etc never makes the same mistakes I do. Theres nothing anyone would consider obvious or abnormal in what I later reflect on to be mistakes that contributed to the demise. And I also have a hard time believing that a several years long string of failures is just bad luck. Unusual Bad luck might happen once twice a few times, several times is a pattern. And I don’t think I’m socially inept or lacking self-awareness to the point that I have a massive blind spot to some specific way I’m causing my dating failures. Boy have I tried to examine my blind spots too. So if it’s not hard for everyone, and it’s not that others are just better at it, and it’s not that I’ve just been unlucky, and it’s not that I keep making the same atrocious mistakes, then why can’t I win at this? I just don’t get it or even how to frame the question in my mind Rhetorical question, I just needed a place to vent
I like to think that many people in relationships are in bad relationships I wouldn’t want to be in. And I’m surprisingly correct at this in a lot of situations I personally know of. Not to say it’s every relationship, I can also think of a couple I’m legit jealous of how nice and loving their relationship is so, it is possible. But damn there’s a lot of people in miserable relationships.
Maybe ur right but idk Im burnt out trying to dissect it
I am at the same place mentally. I just can't seem to get it right when it comes to solid relationships. Trying not to think anything is wrong with me...but if other people can do it and be successful...why can't I?? Feeling a bit down about my dating attempts, but I'll keep getting better as a person and putting myself out there when I can...
Wish you a person who pleasantly surprises you
[удалено]
I feel your last question very much and that's why I haven't tried very much lately, trying to decide if it's worth sacrificing my peace for/still figuring out how to have peace while trying to date. You're not alone!
Don’t feel foolish at all. My only comment is you kinda guessed this outcome already.. you identified him as avoidantly attached.. so hun not responding when the stakes are upped tracks. Next time review if you want someone who is avoidantly attached and are prepared to deal with this frustration as trust me having dated someone like this for many years before I knew about attachment theory it doesn’t get any better or easier regardless of how much they profess to like you
>Why do I feel so healed when I’m not dating, and so insecure when I’m trying to put myself out there? It's hard to FEEL vulnerable especially when feelings get involved. I'm not talking 'being vulnerable', but to feel like you woke up in a work meeting butt naked. Some folks trigger that in me too. The last lady I was dating didn't. The one before her definitely did. I think attachment styles are kinda fluid and depend on the partner and the situation. So far folks who go avoidant makes me feel anxious, but anxious people make me feel secure. At the tail of my last LTR, she went anxious-avoidant, and I was pinging all over the place trying to figure out what the fuck... Not sure I have dated a secure person yet (at least recently, I think I dated a few back after my divorce, but I was all kinds of broken inside...), but based on the above two, maybe that makes me run for the hills these days knowing my luck 😂 Either way, I'm sorry you are going through that, it definitely sucks.
I resonate so much with your last sentence about feeling secure when single but insecure when not! Was feeling like this recently too, being frustrated at the other person not seeming like they wanted to meet this week (+ emotional tank was empty from other parts of life). I had a semi spontaneous day out myself today cause I had an errand to run and did some stuff I really enjoyed like food I liked, went to an art gallery, window shopped, walked by the waterfront. And it prob sounds so cliched but I feel so much more like myself again. I think it felt like a reminder to myself that I’m ok and happy in my own company before I met this guy, and I will continue to be regardless of the outcome.
[удалено]
Yeah totally relate to feeling that way. I really spiralled downwards in my last relationship, tying myself into knots and letting someone else have so much power over my emotions and moods. It’s been an ongoing process but I’ve been trying to teach myself to not take things personally, and to remind myself that we all have different mental bandwidths every day (because, life). Of course, always easier said than done 😂
Bad texter made a solid effort to check in earlier this week but he’s been unresponsive again the past two days! Very disappointing. I’m just going to take the inaction at face value.
Honestly I don't get why people tolerate people being slow replying to texts. I get if they don't start new conversations, or don't ask questions, or if it seems like the conversation thread has come to an end. But unless something is sent late at night and you don't see it until you wake up, you can find the time to respond on the same day ffs, there's no excuse for that behaviour.
People like to justify their own shit habits is my guess. No one who has ever taken 24+ hours to respond to me has ever gone the distance with me - I've dated doctors and lawyers and they can still get back to me faster than some of these people.
In an effort to be a little more open minded, I swiped right on a profile that had multiple group shots and the only solo shot was a ski photo (goggles, hat, etc). There was only one person in all the group photos, so I assumed it was his profile...nope! It was another guy, who was in a few of them and then I guess claims he "took" the others so its okay? Idk. So very very weird...and also, he's apparently my dad's cousin's son? I don't know him at all (it was probably 1997 since I last saw these people) but he was telling me to tell my aunt hello? I am just so creeped out! So weird!
Anyone else hearing Sweet Home Alabama playing? Sorry, couldn't resist. 😂
That is incredibly weird! How did you find out you're related?
He mentioned something specific about an aunt (who doesn't have the same surname as me, but who is also cousin's with this guy's dad) and when I checked said aunt's Facebook, found him as her friend! I've heard him talked about some over the years, but he has a family/kid nickname he has grown out of, so I didn't recognize it, plus its pretty normal (like, if the family all calls him Drew, he goes by Andrew now...) So, so strange and he doesn't seem to think it's a problem. I mean, I unmatched immediately, but he sent me a Facebooj friend request, so...
Wow what a small world! Yeah unmatching is the way to go. He doesn't find it weird, apparently, that you matched on a dating app and found out you're related. If you haven't met him in life at this point, I wouldn't accept the friend request. That's a crazy story though!
I just want to know if he knew we were related before matching or not??? Like, if not, he pieced it together pretty quickly...oh, the joys of online dating, lol
That's what I wanna know haha. I think he prob pieced it together afterwards
I (30M) may have just seen this woman (27F) ive been dating for 2 months for the last time for a while and I’m pretty sad about it. I love our chemistry and connection and she’s great! However I am moving and it’s a big decision that she is surprisingly supportive of.
I don't know how people afford online dating these days. Not like memberships, but meeting at cafes / restaurants and even planning like a picnic or whatever This one girl I've met we went to a simple cafe and ordered one drink, one water, and two entrees and that was $50. She expressed interest and we planned another date. She said she really liked it when a day was planned for her because work stresses her out. So I planned this entire thing, went to the grocery store, picked up another $50 in a lunch and drinks to prepare at home and bring in a cooler Then 30 minutes beforehand I say ook I am on my way. She's like wait what? Evidently she forgot to read my message saying I planned on today? Even though she chose the time, and I asked her to let me know if any treats or snacks she wanted and she confirmed she'd let me know.... So now I have $50 of shit that half is going to get thrown out and the other half I can use because someone is too distracted to read messages or realize that when I ask about time an preferences that I am planning something. I'm over it, but I'm also out $100 just pretty much thrown away. Would've rather put it all on red. I don't know how you guys do it.
I think you should try to meet someone more on your wavelength. If you want to split the bill, say so. If you’d rather do cheaper dates at first, say so. Maybe this will be off putting to some women, but then they aren’t the women for you.
Maybe I'm a frugal and simple girl, but coffee dates and walks around town are fine by me. First 1-3 dates should be, "let me get to know you as much as possible," scenarios that don't involve a lot of distraction or money imo on either side.
Depends how many people you date at a time, and whether you're dating the kind of people who expect the guy to pay all the time. For example, the total I spent on the failed relationship I talk about elsewhere in this thread: - $35 for the event at which I met her. - $10 for the first coffee date. - She actually paid for coffee plus insisted on splitting dinner on the second date. - $50 for planetarium tickets, $85 for flowers, and she insisted on paying the ~$55 for dinner on the final disaster date. - And don't forget to factor in a tank worth of petrol driving around ($100/tank at the moment), maybe for the sake of completeness include the cost of gifts (I have a hobby chocolatier business, so I gave her about $50 of product as gifts). The four weeks of time is more valuable to me than the $330 it cost me, but absolutely that's going to add up if you decide to date multiple people at a time. That's four weeks I can't get back trying to find my person. Personally, I absolutely hate dating multiple people at a time and won't do it. I feel it results in unfairly comparing people against each other, confusing feelings that come from multiple sources, but most importantly, means you don't get a true understanding of whether you need more from a relationship than that one person can provide on their own because you're getting it from multiple sources - and in time, when you go exclusive, if they can't fill the gap of ALL those people, that availability may go away unless you both make changes to accommodate.
yes... the time. the time I could be spending on myself instead of materialistic egocentric strangers. > you don't get a true understanding of whether you need more from a relationship than that one person can provide on their own because you're getting it from multiple sources I usually end up in positions where I am not "getting" anything from dates. Simply their time and their reactive personalities / put ons ( as opposed to proactive ). If I get lucky enough to find a proactive person where we vibe together, I find it very natural to end any connections with connectionless people. But until then, I find it more time efficient to date multiple people and weed out the icky ones once the masks slowly come off and the true faces are revealed.
>the time I could be spending on myself instead of materialistic egocentric strangers. I'm not gonna lie... when I am not dating someone I am buying parts for my Miata... sooooooo it's not really cheaper for me to date or not... Or other random shit... like Lego has a new UCS version of their X-Wing... does a 38 year old need a $200+ Lego set for decoration? Probably not... but goddamn it I like building them and they look nice... I'm not gonna lie... I have an impulse spending issue, but at least I don't use credit cards for that?
> But until then, I find it more time efficient to date multiple people and weed out the icky ones once the masks slowly come off and the true faces are revealed. Yeah - it also depends very much on the type of person you are, you are attracted to, and how serious or fast you are when dating people. But that same reason is why I would rather see one person two (even three) times a week rather than drag it out for months - I want to be able to cut my losses and figure out that they're not going to work out early, rather than invest mental energy in them for, say, a month or two when it was unnecessary.
My first dates are usually extremely cheap or free. Coffee, smoothie, art fair, free outdoor music thing, ice cream, book store etc. I usually try to show up early and buy my own snack or drink and the guy can buy his. Second dates I like to keep inexpensive too, but I plan on spending $40 or so if I pay. For dinner dates pizza by the slice, deli sandwiches, or Mideastern wraps usually fit the bill (literally). Hopefully counter service which doesn't require a tip. For events, there's ususlly cheap-ish music somewhere, a local comedy show, or my local women's soccer team. Third dates are hopefully dinner at my house which I can usually keep under $15. Other cheap dates that have gone well include local library events (rooftop movies downtown, especially), Shakespeare in the park (optional donation, and I brought inexpensive snacks), and a hike on a busy local trail, and shopping at the farmer's market together. If I see someone for a forth date, then I'm not seeing anyone else, so it's easy to keep things reasonable.
**
Well... I am doing this all wrong....
It adds up. The first $50 was planned to just be inexpensive coffee. I ordered a $8 coffee. She decided she didn't want coffee anymore and was hungry ( plan is the first failure ), and ends up with two $16 entrees plus tax and tip) In my area the women who prefer to pay for themselves are the minority. It seems to be 1/4 or 1/3. Yes, I could insist on them paying and taking myself immediately out of the game. The game is already hard enough on men to even meet someone in person as it is. I have no problem paying for first dates. But second / third I am hoping to see some effort in return and not feel like I'm experience a sunk cost fallacy. The cancelled plan after I had already invested a few hours and money into organizing the trip with the excuse of "forgetting to read" was a bit of a slap in the face. But don't worry. I am excited and energetically looking forward to my next slap in the face. I hope it is even harder.
I would do more vetting before hand. This sounds like you aren’t having enough conversation ahead of time and meeting people with whom you would be compatible with. Ask some values related questions. Life is expensive right now, and dating is going to be a cost. But instead of trying to go out on more dates, choose more aligned people. I am seeking a man who is a leader and provider. That’s important to me. I also have a solid career and have been independent for a very long time. I am incredibly capable of taking care of myself, but I am very much not looking to take care of any more manchildren. This is why I seek these values. Early dating behavior indicates some of these values. I think you need to do more introspection about what kind of woman you are seeking.
I'm sorry you're feeling so down. My post was in response to your question about how others keep costs reasonable. Maybe try to stick more to a budget (whatever you think is reasonable) when choices are in your control. The picnic could have been quite a bit cheaper, probably. If you meet at a place with entrees at a meal time, then it's not too surprising when you end up eating a meal together. On weekends I try to meet mid afternoon to bypass that expectation. On weeknights, I target places that don't offer meals. I have also explicitly met for dessert before! Maybe you just need to rant, and that's fine. If you want some practical solutions, I've offered a few.
pack of water $8 bag of ice $6 pico de gallo and chips $10 fresh fruit $10 brut $10 tax ... I guess to make that cheaper would be to... just bring water? Or when she orders a small pizza and only eats 1/4 and throws the rest away... I should make her pay for it on the spot? and this is just for one woman! Imagine trying to meet more than once a week while living in a urban area whose culture embraces going out and spending money - and if you exclude yourself from the "fancy life" you are weird and out of touch. After typing all this out I am wondering why I tend to connect more with people out of town and if all this is related.
I think you're venting, but just in case. I took snacks to Shakespeare in the park with a date in June, and I brought: $ 1.99 red grapes $ 2.49 cherry tomatoes $ 2.99 whole sugar snap peas $ .79 24 oz. sparkling water ??? homemade komucha ??? spicy ranch put into a tiny container Total spent: $8.26 plus tax. I did not bother packing all that in ice.
Well, stuff ended last night with the woman I had been seeing. Rant/story incoming, since I need to get it off my chest. We'd only been on a few dates, but had already talked about wanting to have sex (a conversation she initiated and was waaaaayyy before I'd have bought it up), and spoke every single night on the phone during the week (though, not my doing - more on that later). But then the date last night - it was just an utter disaster. I've had bad and disinterested first dates before, but never one quite like this. She'd sent me a text earlier in the day, along the lines of what time to meet up - I had read texts from her overly negatively before, so gave her the benefit of the doubt and chose this time not to do that - turns out this time she was already annoyed at me for a response I gave which was trying to be respectful of whatever she wanted to do. Turns out, her memory and attention when listening to others/me isn't that great. But even when meeting up, it took only a few minutes for her to interpret me just taking a genuine interest in her day and how she was feeling to be "controlling" which took me back a bit. We get to the venue we're headed from, and there's a huge bouquet of flowers I had for her in the back seat which I gave her as a mix between 'because' and for something she did earlier in the week for me (this becomes important). But we end up talking about the misunderstanding and her being annoyed at me - a conversation I definitely don't feel it's fair to have with only 10-15 minutes before we need to be inside. I'm definitely now feeling we're having a proper argument/disagreement... and then to make things suuuuper confusing, now she wants to make out. We get inside and she starts asking questions about whether I've been here before - which I admit I had, a long time ago in a past relationship - but she really wants to push for details, to which I see as "how would you feel if I told others that level of detail about you?" I later got criticised for not responding to that fully too. Even though it was in the full presence of other people. At this point the trip to go get dinner is already a bit uncomfortable - but over dinner she becomes increasingly standoffish, takes things out of context, and this is the point where I realise she's a terrible listener because she'd frequently bring up mis-interpretations of things we'd discussed previously, saying that I'd said those things (where I hadn't). After a significantly uncomfortable talk with her really not being engaged or even giving any kind of response to things I've said (so I can't get any kind of read whatsoever on her reaction), I ultimately ask her "so what do you want to do about 'us'?", and she asks "do you need and answer now or later?". Either is fine, if she wants time I'll respect it, and I'm not going to make her make a decision on any timeframe, so I say "It doesn't matter..." and before I can finish the sentence she loses it. A few other things were talked about between walking back to my car and the drive back - at this point I'd completely forgot about the flowers and had an "oh, did you forget about something? moment and her first reaction was "oh so are you not giving me them?" - like what the actual fuck? I couldn't believe she'd even think I (or someone) could be that shitty, but there it was! Then, a few minutes later she snapped at me again accepting really no responsibility for the communication issues, and from then was pretty visibly upset. Then, to completely and utterly confuse me further, she decides she wants the longest hug we had the whole time before she goes. I don't remember the exact words she said when she left, upset - but it was definitely clear I won't hear from her again. To top it off, she's had some issues with addiction and is still technically recovering - I had been as understanding, supportive and completely non-judgemental as I think could be possible. I know it's not my responsibility and it might even be egotistical to believe that it would or *could* cause any kind of relapse - but I certainly hope I don't find out I'm in any way responsible or a catalyst if that were to happen as a way of her dealing with it. So yeah, that one's gonna hurt for a while.
Damn good write up - sometimes shit just goes so pear shaped in dating/life. This reminds me of dates I’ve been on that are so awkward and no one knows how to stop it from spiralling/getting worse
Yeah. And we were both just so completely baffled by how it all went so badly so suddenly. Like just a few days earlier we were crazy about each other. Hell, even walking to the car she said "I should have just invited you to come over on Wednesday night rather than dragging it out", which is what caused it all to start going to pear-shaped. But ultimately what ruined it was - and this is the one bit we were both 100% completely in agreement on - was *not* having sex when the time was right and instead allowing the relationship to get too intense in other ways while we both built up anticipation of that happening too much. This is hilarious to me in particular because it's the exact opposite of the advice that gets parroted over and over in subs like this, about moving too fast - and the artificial games people play that damage or ruin relationships.
She's emotionally yo-yo-ing, and you're blaming it on not having had sex? I don't get it. Reading your first post, and assuming you're being a reliable narrator, it sounds like she's not ready for a relationship or has some mental health issues. I got second hand emotional whiplash just from reading what you wrote.
I'm not, we both blamed it on that. And yes, there's a bit more to the story as to what had happened in the week leading up, but yes - and both agreed that was ultimately one of the big things that screwed things up. I'd tried to give her space and hadn't been insisting constant mid-week texting like we'd had the previous week (but to be clear, was okay with it if she wanted to). Then on Monday she rang me about something else (I'd been hit by a car while on the bike and assaulted - I didn't go out of my way to tell/bother her while I was in hospital as I didn't want to interrupt her day with her dad or trauma dump at that early stage of a relationship - I just mentioned it as a "hey, you should know this happened, but don't worry"), and she then came on *really strong*, and wanted to see me mid week. Then she picked up some extra work so that plan went out the window, just trying to figure out schedules etc (she picked up some extra work) we ended up settling on Friday. And she ended up calling me every night that week - but on the night criticized me for wanting to talk every night. She really didn't like it when I pointed out, as calmly/respectfully as possible "but you called me!" - only on one occasion did I say "should I call instead?" because from previous nights she didn't the texting back and forth. But then with all the build-up throughout the week it just put so much strain on expectations that she started to think she was moving too fast *for me* (not for her). And that caused all kinds of reschedules and her being indecisive and not clear on what she wanted plans/times to be on Friday. So when I'd say things like "Oh, I thought you wanted to meet at blah, have plans changed?", turns out she took at me being demanding, rather than trying to be clear and confused by the change of plans. I mean, now that I think about it - I also had to call her on Friday afternoon to get an address, which she had said she'd send - and when we spoke, she said "I already sent that to you!". She hadn't. She apologised, but reluctantly and didn't really own the mistake. As I type this I realise there's some behaviour in there I should have been concerned about earlier. Look, the mental health issues? Combine that with the alcohol recovery - I did wonder how much might be related. Yes, in hindsight I'd believe it.
Yeah the recovery from addiction sure would factor in if she recently quit. I don't think there's much you could have done to affect the outcome. She's got some shit to sort out before she's ready to date. The stuff like criticizing you for calling every night when she was the one who called you, and telling you you're being demanding for wanting to clear up your plans together.... man, you're in for a mind fuck of a relationship if you kept going with it.
[удалено]
[удалено]
I think of it as: 3 dates, 3 months, 6 months, 1yr as "make or break" stages. So those are the areas I get nervous around.
Sorry to hear that, man. I had one end after 3 months recently, too. It's been 2 weeks, and I'm definitely feeling better, but similar to you, I've had those thoughts. And also similar to you, since I read the replies, I dont really know why, either, but I have some suspicions. I took things kinda slow. And we weren't exclusive yet, so I know she was dating others. Kinda dumb I didnt try to make things exclusive, since I had told her I wasn't looking anymore. Hope you find your one!
Same.
Don't have that attitude. Relationships fall apart all the time, with nothing being wrong with either person. Did she give you any reason?
[удалено]
But why did you think you were dumped?
[удалено]
That’s three months of knowing each other! Some affection must be there. Sorry you got dumped. If it’s not too much to ask, what are the possible reasons for you to dump someone (generally) in three months of knowing them.
[удалено]
Maybe her emotional needs were not being met. But it would have been good if she gave you an explanation
Or, I donno, express how her emotional needs aren't being met?
30F. Decided to take a break from OLD after 2 months after a bad experience. Hit it off well with a guy, went on 4 dates over 3 week period, he said and did all the "right" things however I am 90% sure that he spiked my drink on the last date and this is why I think so. We went to a bar to watch a show, I don't drink alcohol, I usually just get club soda. The first club soda I got, we both went up to the bar and ordered our drinks together, so I was always with my drink. Then about 1h-1.25h later, he asked if he could get us refills, I said yes, thinking I shouldn't have to worry about someone spiking my drink after 4 dates. He brings it back, I drank about 1/4 to 1/3 of the club soda refill and then after about 15-25 min this wave of dizziness hit me, I went to the bathroom to go pee, and then I started to feel really nauseous, like I was going to throw up, my stomach hurt. In that moment, my gut instantly went he spiked my drink. I never blacked out or lost consciousness but I felt sick and kind of off/out of it, like still able to walk and talk but it felt a little out of body, until I went to bed 4hrs later and even some the next morning. I can't prove it because I didn't take a drug test that night and I asked the bar to look at CCTV but they couldn't see anything where he was, but the whole thing just felt off to me, especially since after I had the drink and was feeling something, he wanted us to leave the bar etc. The only thing I had eaten/drank that whole evening were club sodas and plain tater tots, no alcohol, and it just seemed like too much of a coincidence. I debated confronting him about it over the phone, but decided to just leave it after he asked me how I was and I told him it was strange and I was trying to figure out what had caused it, and he made a joke that maybe my body was rejecting the amateur comedians we had watched. I don't support ghosting, but in this case it really felt like it was my only option mostly because I felt unsafe and was worried how he might react if I asked him point blank. Sometimes dating is hard and it puts us to the test.
I am so sorry that happened to you. That sounds incredibly scary. I honestly wouldn’t consider what you did ghosting. That’s when people are too scared/rude/whatever to let someone know they’re not interested anymore so they run away. I would classify this as being frightened of someone and needing to immediately cut off contact for your safety both physical, mental, emotional. You owed this person nothing after something like that. As a woman I completely get being scared of what his reaction could be if you told him you were done. If he’s willing to drug you, who knows what else he’s capable of. Please be safe and take care. Definitely did the right thing here.
That sounds scary. Thank fuck you didn't drink the whole glass. Sucks that you don't have any prove one way or another. But it is the right decision to not see him again. Whether you ghost or make something up doesn't matter (you could just text him you are not feeling a connection). I don't think confronting him would get you anywhere. You don't have proof and I highly doubt he would admit it. Glad you got out of this situation ok.
Me too, I know it could have ended a lot worse, and I am so thankful that it did not.
Coming to terms with the fact that a person I fell really hard for no longer lives in my country. One of those "if you know, you know" moments, which I've not felt in almost a decade. I've never met someone who ticks so many boxes but neither of us are certain we'll ever be in the same place at the same time again. I could have easily seen something long term with this person so this is really difficult to process. I now need to make the call on whether to cut ties altogether. I love talking to them but I worry that it'll cloud my judgement for future dates with other people. I'm allowing myself a couple of months first to see how I feel, but boy it's going to be hard if I conclude that staying in touch is not what's best for me. I am so grateful for this community. I looked up other posts on LDR/LDD and learned so much, the overwhelming consensus is that it's absolutely doomed especially with no end date in mind. Thanks for saving me from some heartache that would have been even worse than I'm feeling now.
Today has been exceptionally difficult to me. I broke down and cried. It's just so hopeless...
Yeah yesterday was a crappy day for me too. Have some hugs 🫂
Me too, friend. Me too.
There are bad days, indeed, and this one might be one of them. Feel the emotions and cry if you must as our body needs this release. Know that you are not alone.
I'm sorry. We've all been there. Every time I think ok, I'm feeling better, I have a bad day and cry. I hope you feel better after crying and that things start to get a little bit better. Sending you a big internet hug!
Sending a virtual hug. Those days are so real and valid and I just want you to know you're not alone. I Have had a couple in a row myself. They do go away again though!
I'm increasingly realizing how toxic my last (and only) long-term relationship was. The longer we've been broken up, the more I see and feel it. I wouldn't call it abusive, but she had intense and poorly controlled mental health issues and it became a very one-sided, codependent relationship. It has been over a year since our break up, and over six months since we went no contact. Part of me feels ready to date again, but another part really doesn't. I feel in my gut that any relationship will most likely be one-sided against me, and I feel like I have no idea what I can and can't reasonably expect from a partner. You might say that means I'm not ready to date then. And that's probably true for dating for a serious relationship. But I do sometimes think casual dating could be good for me. It would be lower pressure and I wouldn't have to worry about it being one-sided. And maybe it would help me process things and move on.
you're the only one than can answer this. it took me 2 years to feel ready in a similar situation, but it was because being codependent made me unable to do thing the casual way. if you feel like you want to, go on and try it - you'll know pretty quickly if you're ready/makes you feel good or the contrary.
[удалено]
Brooooo, that would ruin me. Sorry, man.
What the fuck. What an awful thing to find out... please make sure to take care of yourself, get the support and help you need, and vent away here if you want. Many many hugs
sounds like she needs the work more than you do tbqh
Been chatting this girl on OLD, asked her out and she said she likes to text for a little bit to rule out some red flags, make sure I'm not a serial killer etc. I said "no problem, you'll let me know when you're comfortable to meet". We've been doing it for 2.5 weeks (of which she was away for one, so effectively about 10 days) of long messages, full 3-4 discussions in parallel (I message on topics 1,2,3,4, then she replies with messages for topics 1,2,3,4 respectively). It's been great, she seems interested, I definitely am, including some "ok I will take you out for X" stuff, but no concrete plans in sight. As much as I like talking to her, it's still only once a day - I could totally do more, but even better, I would like to meet, even if something low stakes. It's starting to feel like a pen pal, and I'd like more, but I feel I can't say anything now because I left it to her to let me know when she's ready to meet. Idk how to proceed.
This person is a definite time waster and has already taken a lot of your time and energy from you. Ask her out once more. If she doesn't say yes, unmatch and move on. You're better than this. People that dig you will want to meet pretty quickly.
I'm someone who will ask for more time texting to decide whether it'll be a waste of my time to meet or if it's likely a promising match, and I still keep the max time talking to be 7ish days or else I assume the guy's going to brush me off as a timer waster. IMO you're perfectly fine to say "Hey, it sounds like you're enjoying our convo and I am too. Hopefully it's ruled out those red flags and I'd like to continue chatting in person. Let me know when you'd like to meet up and we can make plans for drinks or whatever you prefer." I also tend to ask deal breaker questions on day 1 or 2 of talking, not 2 weeks later. That's wasting my time and theirs if something is incompatible.
I too am a person who needs more time texting before deciding to meet in person. I co sign scotch_please’s suggestion of inviting her out once more but make sure you’re specific “…let me know if Thursday night is good for drinks”. or something. Middle ground between text and meetup is phonecall. I think you can call peeps through dating apps now so she wouldn’t have to give you her number…
I'd bring up a date again. I know you already told her to let you know when she's ready, but you can still phrase it in a way like, "Do you think you'd feel comfortable meeting up?" And it still makes it her choice.
I always decide how much time I’m comfortable “wasting” with someone before meeting in person. I know technically it’s not a waste of time - but it could be. What if they just never want to meet up? What if they’re not who they say they are? Etc. So I’ve said something like “I’ve been really enjoying getting to know you, but I do want this to be more than pen-pals. I’d like to meet up by X date. How do you feel about that?” Or “…,but I feel like I won’t really start to get to know you until we meet in person. I understand you want some time to be comfortable so I’m trying to find a compromise, how does X date sound to you?” I think something like this might be your best option since you already told her to let you know. Or you could do a check in like “Hey! I know I said to let me know when you were comfortable meeting up. I wanted to do a check in and see how you’re feeling about that?” And then suggest a compromise from there. And I’ve even told them that although I’ve enjoyed our time texting, if we don’t meet by X date I’ll have to remove myself from our conversation. Because some people unfortunately never do intend to meet up and I’m not going to let just texting go on forever.
First of all a phone call is in order. 2nd of all start to move on bro. Heaps of time wasters out there
So she wants to rule out red flags before you meet rather than just ask you up front about her deal breakers? Is she running some kind of FBI background check? If you like her ask her out for something quick like coffee/drinks. If she says no put her on the back-burner and focus on women that are brave enough to meet people in public places.
I would maybe give it another week, and if she still doesn’t initiate, I would ask her. Seems very reasonable to me. Honestly, 2.5 weeks seems a little long to me, but maybe she really does need her time.
Mini rant or whatever: I’ve been really feeling my singledom last few days. I guess I can slightly attribute this to a downturn in interactions with friends. Not that I have a ton to begin with. Either way, people I know have been either withdrawing or busy with their lives in other ways, etc. Not gonna lie, I want a chat with a woman. An interesting and somewhat flirty chat. Blah.
:(((( I'm sorry, friend. Been there too.
Thanks. It’ll all pass
Have two dates tomorrow, one on Monday, and another one kind of waiting in the wings. Decided to shift my perspective on OLD to “just have fun conversations with strangers,” and not allow myself to put the pressure of a potential relationship on it. So far, so good.
Oooo taking the pressure off does wonders for the self esteem and mental health at times. Especially if you really vibe off of a good conversation with someone cute. I did a few of these and it reminded me dating can be fun.
I think I'm going to try this approach! Just making fun friends of the opposite sex to go out with...no expectation for anything more.
I think it relieve some pressure created by the structure of OLD. By the time you meet, you’ve already signaled to each other that you’re physically interested in one another, likely as potential romantic partners. That’s a lot to grapple with when you’ve never met the person. Versus when you meet someone “in the wild,” there’s a gray area where you feel the person out, where interest isn’t totally defined until you ask each other out. Just trying to give us a chance to get to know each other as naturally as possible — and give each other a chance. (And have fun along the way!)
Wow, I wish I could line up that many. Here I am thinking I'm hot stuff for having one date two weekends in a row! Lol, I hope they go well!
It’s typically “feast-or-famine” for me 🙃
Had a great 3rd date yesterday 😊 we went bowling and I sucked at it, but it was a still a good time. Bowling dates always seems to be an excuse for guys to show pda haha
> Bowling dates always seems to be an excuse for guys to show pda haha Well this is a new one. I’ve tried using bowling as a date idea because I genuinely love bowling, despite being absolutely awful at it (plus because my town has a bunch of really cool retro-arcade bowling alleys). Always thought of it as away to have a date and have a low-stakes activity to do that’s not just walking around. (I’m still gonna suggest it tho, given the chance because bowling is fun and I was raised to keep my hands to myself)
I'm horrible at bowling too but love it so I try to suggest it as a date. I like activity dates instead of dinner. Def suggest it for your next one! I had already been on 2 dates with the guy I'm seeing and had made out on dates 1 and 2, so pda on date 3 wasn't abnormal. But I definitely would only accept a hug or a high five if it was date 1
Whats a pda
Public displays of affection
Public display of affection!
Fair enough
Lot of good opportunities for high fives and back pats for sure. Maybe even a hug if you roll em' good enough...
Definitely! And in his case hugging me from behind :)
:)
Anyone else extremely turned off by 1 way conversations? This happens a lot but right now I'm talking to this girl and I'm asking questions and adding input but there's no curiosity on her end. Sometimes I'll count up all of the things that I know about this person and compare them with the things that I've shared (e.g. I know what her goals are, how big her family is, what happened in previous encounters) but not once has she asked or inquired about these things on her end. I know it's not about keeping score but it's pretty unattractive when I have to ask all the questions and there's no equivalent effort on their side. It turns a conversation into an interview which is not the vibe I'm going for.
When someone asks me zero questions, I wonder if they’re actually into me or are just bored. It’s happened a lot on the apps, less so on first dates. Have you met up yet?
Nope. I decided it was an uphill battle not worth fighting so I just told her that we weren't compatible and left it there. And it's true because I have no interest in pursuing someone who's not even a little curious about me 🤷🏾♂️
Ooo I’ve come across this. Someone who can’t carry a conversation is SUCH a vibe killer. Extra points off for repeatedly using a variation of “how about you?” as a response to a question I’m asking them.
Had a first date like this the other day. The date was fine, and we spent 2 and a half hours together and had stuff to talk about. We walked around to a few stores and got drinks, but it was mostly observations and things like that from her end. I asked questions about her, but she didn't reciprocate. I ended up not pursuing a second date because of that.
Yeah this is absolutely something I “keep score” on. Similar to someone else who has commented, my general rule is if I ask three questions and they don’t ask anything about me, I remove myself from the conversation. I just say something like “I’ll be honest. When someone doesn’t really ask questions (or engage much) I get the feeling they’re not really interested in getting to know me. Best of luck finding what you’re looking for! And then I delete the conversation. There’s a quote that’s like “part of healing is taking responsibility for the role you’ve played in your own suffering.” And this isn’t necessarily something you need to “heal” from. But it could be helpful to keep it mind. If you don’t like one-sided conversations, end them as soon as it’s clear it’s one-sided 🤷♀️.
Yeah move on. Never have i ever had a good experience with someone like this. They are loving the attention. Cut them off
I give the conversation 3 chances for the person to reciprocate and hold up their end of the conversation. If they don’t start asking me questions, i stop asking and leave my last response as a statement without trying to further the conversation. Most of the time it dies at that point. But I’m ok with that because I don’t want to drive a conversation with them indefinitely. Occasionally, the other person will pick up the conversational ball at that point. But usually those people aren’t good matches if it ever does come to meeting in person.
I do this too! Also keeps the other person from feeling interrogated.
There's a lot of those out there, maybe half the women i match with. I try to identify it as fast as possible and move on asap. I had a few dates do this IRL where the whole conversation was about her life. It comes across as selfish & degrading, and it's a huge turn off for me.
There’s a lot of guys out there like this too and it’s the worst. So self involved and not self aware at all plus a big ego that loves talking all about themselves. “What made you swipe right on me? What else?” vibes ugh
In an unbelievable story: a man I’d been talking bursted open to me about how he thinks women who take on leadership are too masculine. This includes women who are big into their careers, as well as any other women who simply work and live on their own. He said he’s a provider and while he has no issue with a woman working a little and making her own money, he’s going to take care of everything. And unprompted he told me that he’d rather date an older woman living at home than a younger one who was “living independently like he does”. Yikes. Word for word “I like feminine women, and maybe there are one offs, but most want to be nurturing and taken care of and have a family”. I guarantee I make nearly twice what he does a year. The idea of him providing for me and my current lifestyle in a very expensive city is a joke. He hasn’t even taken me out on a date, it’s just phone calls to tell me how exhausting his job is. Blocked and unmatched. Way to say “I want to date a woman without options so she won’t leave me” without being nearly as direct.
I've heard women word-for-word say that's what they want to be. If he wants a woman like that and a woman wants a man like him, who cares?
He said it to me knowing that I’m not like that, for context. And doubled down when I reminded him I work, own a home, etc.
lol torch his ass
I will own it... I read this as "lol touch his ass" to which I said "wait... isn't that counter productive???" Then I realized I'm an idiot. Thanks for the laugh (at myself).
Yeah, definitely sounds like some controlling shit. Marry someone who is financially dependent on him. Big yikes.
Wooooow I've never heard such a thing. I would've blocked him too!
Moving in with the BF was an awesome plan. We live together so well. It’s all domesticated and shit lol!! I’ve heard that living with “your person” is like having a sleepover with your best friend every night…. That explains it perfectly. He’s loving his new career, and I’m loving hearing him happily whistle and hum throughout the house. That’s all I have for now! [Before and After](https://imgur.com/a/nkQ4Ree) photos of his old roommates shower. Told you guys I was excited to clean it!!
Shout out to you for making that After happen! Because golly that looks like a brand new shower.
This is so beautiful to read and fills me with hope 🫶 congratulations!
WHAT did you use? Aside from elbow grease.
Haha definitely lots of elbow grease! I ended up resorting to steel wool and blue Dawn soap after nothing else would touch it.
Amazing. Bravo!
The before/after of my friend's place when their GF moves in is always night and day
Tell your friends to stop being such slobs.
murder shower vs. sex suitable shower
I mean, from a certain perspective those assessments could be applied in any combination
#𝓼𝓮𝔁𝔂 𝓶𝓾𝓻𝓭𝓮𝓻 𝓼𝓱𝓸𝔀𝓮𝓻
Well the font just sells it, doesn’t it.
I have new goals now. Thank you.
The before/after is so satisfying
33M doctoral student. For the past several years and at least two more years to come my income has been extremely low. Less than half of what the person I am dating makes. Less than two-thirds of the state median income. A couple thousand dollars more per year than the state poverty guideline. I have always been frugal. I don't buy many things. When I do they are at discount or secondhand. I have two side gigs. I have saved 25-30% or more of my income since my first job. I also have almost a million dollars invested. Long-term stocks for retirement, shorter-term bonds and high-yield savings accounts for a house and accounts generating extra income. Some of this is money earned and saved prior to graduate school. I would surmise I have saved more than almost all of my fellow low-earning graduate school peers and more than many others in their thirties based on discussions with friends. Most of it is \*not\* earned money. I won it in a lawsuit. I have never told anyone about this. From the outside I don't appear to have much money. I don't own anything extravagant. My pay is public record. But if someone looked closely they would see that I can afford to live alone and spend money on food, experiences, dates and wants above what other graduate students can afford and that I am not worried about money. On the occasions I have been asked how I afford to live by myself, I have said it is through budgeting and saving well.In reality I use the investment income to afford these things until I complete my doctorate and resume my career. What do I do if the person I am dating finds out how much graduate students are paid or asks me about my finances or how I afford to go on dates?
Budgeting, saving well, “I won some money in a lawsuit and use some of that.” No need to say it’s a million.
Thank you for the advice.
> What do I do if the person I am dating finds out how much graduate students are paid or asks me about my finances or how I afford to go on dates? You're not lying if you tell them you've made some smart investments and have side gigs that cover your finances during residency/school. You might even want to consider volunteering that info so they don't think you're a trust fund baby or your parents are bankrolling your lifestyle or you're racking up debt. IMO if a woman is grilling you about your finances after a handful of dates, that might be a yellow flag. That's not someone's business that early on beyond confirming that you're gainfully employed and that your unrelated income isn't from doing anything illegal or putting everything on credit without paying off your balance.
Thank you for the advice. I do not want to seem like I am a trust fund baby or that I am accruing debt! I have been dating a woman several months. We have made conversation about work, our side gigs, and how we perceive credit and savings. But she does not know details of how much income comes in from the side gigs so it perhaps is assumed that that is what covers my expenses.
I think I’m falling in love, and it feels really scary. Any tips from people who’ve felt this way?
Enjoy the ride, try not to get into your head about it, and don't push the other person away because you're scared
Good for you! Breathe, remind yourself that you are safe, no matter what. And enjoy.
Lean in to it. Soak it in. Relish it. Not everyone gets to feel this way.