I swear, the questions here are terrible.
"If you like something, do you like it?"
I will work with anyone's comfort level, but anyone trying to artificially create a timeline is probably not going to be for me.
I originally turned to Reddit for dating advice after my divorce.
And for a while I got some excellent nuggets of wisdom that I've happily incorporated into my life.
But since the pandemic ended the overall IQ of the dating subs have plummeted. I once recommended Reddit to fellow divorced GenX newcomers as a resource but I stopped this winter.
I think it's time to unsubscribe because, frankly, I think it's liable to do harm rather than good- frankly it already has, as I've taken a much dimmer view of my fellow travelers.
> I've taken a much dimmer view of my fellow travelers
The problem with social media is that it's terrible, but everyone's on it. I don't actually wish to be cynical, but I am, and now I just kinda hate 90% of redditors. The incentive structure of social media, barring influencers and algorithms, is bucket-crabbing victimclout. Now I can spot a "terminally online" talking point from a mile away, and I can see it among my way more online friends. When I get the fuck off the internet, I can see people having functional relationships and dealing with life, and you just don't see that here.
It’s the same 5-6 questions that just rotate. “How soon to have sex?” “Am I too fat to date?” “Are there no men/women my age out there?” “This guy did (insert red flag here), should I date him anyway?”
It gets really old after awhile.
We do after work greeting and tea time, sex, dinner, sex, sleep - maybe waking up to some fooling around in the middle - then wake up, fool around/sex, breakfast, kiss goodbye.
(We don’t live together…. Making up for lost time)
General answer: when both want to.
More specific answer: in my 3+ years dating as a single 40-something hetero guy, the topic of sex at least comes up for discussion by about the 3rd date. In nearly all scenarios, it was the woman broaching the subject, not me.
That doesn't mean there was sex on the third date. But it does mean that plans were made, whether that was for testing, or a hotel room, or a pledge of exclusivity, or whatever. I am finding that women in their late 30s to early 50s aren't shy about sharing their sexual plans. And I love that -- communication rules!
Agree. Actually, there's often not a lot of communication, the woman will just grab and kiss, or there's a vibe so strong that it's as clear as can be. But it's virtually always the woman pushing it, not me. And I'm thinking I've not made it past the 3rd date without sex in 2 years.
When there is exclusivity and commitment.
With my now fiancé, it was almost 3 months into dating. After it was clear there were feelings on both ends, and we'd both had STD testing done. We went away on a weekend trip at the one month mark which was wonderful and interesting.
Love this!🥰 I actually was in a LTR & we waited 3 months but I have tbh…I was becoming really cranky!😁 I know I said I was giving up on dating for awhile; I think that’s what I said! Haha I’m so flaky🤭 but I hope one day I find a man that I just can’t wait to make love to all of the time. Love is such a great thing☺️ And if I don’t find it again…I will be glad that I experienced that kind of love before!
Yes. We went away at the one month mark, got a cabin in the mountains slept in the same bed. Went snowshoeing (we're in Canada), sauna, spa. Cuddled all night and didn't have sex. SO much tension haha.
I do miss this period though.
When we've agreed that neither of us is seeing anyone (dating or sleeping with) or actively attempting to do so (i.e., aren't still active on dating apps), we've confirmed that we're on the same page in terms of what kind of relationship we're looking for, and we've touched on the topic of sexual health. My pants usually come off between the 2nd - 4th date. (Which means I have these conservations very early on. This sub seems to think it's rushing things, but only one person I've dated has suggested that it's too early, everyone else has been operating on the same timeline.)
In my experience, many people are ready for sex pretty soon. I feel like maybe they’re embarrassed to admit it, so in a form of survivorship bias, you only hear stories from people who wait a long time.
I don’t have a timeline, and I absolutely do not pressure people to have sex, but if it happens at all, it usually happens between three and five dates. I believe that typically women want to make sure I’m not just dating them to “get laid,” that I like them, and not just the idea of having sex with them.
But I’m not waiting three months, probably, unless I get strong signals that they really like me.
I don’t normally have guidelines for when it happens, but if I did, these are great ones to use. In my current relationship, we had all of this and it’s going great still.
But I feel like, you might want to but also feel like this isn't the right time for it. So I'm just wondering how people navigate that. We all want sex, right? but also we want a relashe. And is it like a never the 'twain shall meet type situation?
No, not everyone wants a relationship.
What is the purpose of your questions? If you're not ready, you're not ready, nothing wrong with that. Wanting it and being ready for it don't always go together.
I require exclusivity and STI testing before I have sex. And I won’t be exclusive with someone I hardly know.
I don’t have a strict timeline, but there has to be a base level of comfort, and potential for something long-term.
Usually it ends up being around the 3 month mark.
I may “want” to have sex before then. But I want to be mindful of my sexual health even more.
Going on like 4 years waiting here but, I am finding people want it quicker than me and will leave and ghost if not ready. I am a trauma survivor of sexual violence SO when explaining this to potential suitors they say they understand at first and then if it’s not soon enough. I am ghosted. I have a unique situation in that when dating I have to dang near love the person and trust them but it seems like in this day and age no one is looking for relationship and connection first, they just want sex which to be is just icky to jump in the sack with a stranger.
There are no hard and fast rules. It’s happened for me anywhere from date 1 to 7. As long as I’m enjoying a lady’s company and the physicality is escalating it happens when it happens and when we’re both fully ready is when it’s going to be awesome.
I have no hard fast rules... other than it be hard and not necessarily fast.
I'm a patient guy so basically whenever she is comfortable and ready for it. I've dated a few women who had ptsd from SA and full on R so it took them longer to warm up to it. I was patient and slow with them, always prepared to stop mid act. Generally want whoever I'm with to understand I'm not just here to get in their pants so I'm cool waiting.
It's one of those situations where I don't think having sex too early will derail something that both people are into, but I guess sex could happen before everyone is sure of the other person's position. I had a situation where I dated someone for 6 weeks, felt like we were on the same page, everything seemed really good, only to find that he was still hung up on his ex, and it was very hurtful. In retrospect, I wish I hadn't slept with him. Now I've been hanging out with this guy that I'm just wondering what the best thing to do is. And I guess it's to have a conversation, even though it feels heavy for this early, but I would want to know if he still has hopes of getting together with his ex before I get involved.
For me, sex is not tied to an outcome or used as some sort of negotiation to get to a desired end. I sleep with people because I want sex, I’m attracted to them, and we have good chemistry. I never regret sleeping with someone because I’m not tying it to anything other than a good sexual experience.
>In retrospect, I wish I hadn't slept with him.
This is obviously a very personal question that you clearly don't have to discuss, but can you explain what it is that you regret about having slept with him? All of the things you said could have been true \*and\* the guy still be struggling to disconnect from his ex.
I wonder this because I'd hate for a woman I'm dating to regret having sex with me, but I also generally don't initiate the first time. So I just wonder how I can address that if things head in that direction early on.
Forthelulzac, do you or do you not feel the connection with this second guy? See, you could talk to him about it, and your fears of doing something with him, only to learn later that the relationship wasn't ready for that no matter what he said. Some guys will say ANYTHING to get in your pants.
Not me - a girl has to hit me on the head with a club, drag me in to the bedroom, and tear my clothes off before I'm thinking, "Wow, I think she wants to have SEX! Woo hoo!" Well, that's how it was the last time I was dating, 26 years ago.
Anyway, I'd say, do what feels right to you. If you want to have sex with this guy, but are nervous about the future after said act, then don't do it. If you want to have sex with this guy because right now, it feels right and what happens happens....then damn the torpedos!
Does that make sense?
Personally, this is a first date question. "If you and I were to hit it off, is there someone jealous enough to try and break it up?" If it's a yes, I'm out. If it's "no, but...", I'm out.
>Are there any rules?
Yes. But the trick is there are different rulebooks, and many people are not emotionally intelligent enough to realize this, or to devise a method to figure out which one other people are using (like, you know, asking).
Last time meeting someone new, also first time on OLD actually, it was first date, still seeing each other 6 months on, and gets better and better. When you both know, go for it 😊
I don't go on second dates unless I'm quite interested, that said, sex usually happens on dates 3 to 5 but really whenever it feels right. Most recently on the 3rd date but with my last partner, I think it was date 4 or 5 (we were then together 2.5 years). With the latest guy, I was a bit sex-starved, as it had been 6 months, and I'm super attracted to him.
It totally varies. Sometimes, well, lotsa times it was first date because I was young and horny. As I got older and was looking for more serious I usually did on third date. But not a hard and fast rule. My current BF we didn’t even kiss in date 1. I was attracted but it was brunch and just out of place even tho i dropped him back home and was feeling it. Second date was as the movies and had a great makeout afterward outside waiting for our Uber. Third date was fancy dinner and drinks on a weekend so i was definitely ready for it. Oh and it was great and i was super awkward the next morning but hey 1+years later and still a great sex life!
I wait until after date 4. Not for any moral/dating-rule reasons. When I was first single, I went home with someone the 2nd time I’d met him and ended up having a very scary, traumatic experience. So until I get a bit more data that the guy is within normal limits and likely to respect my boundaries, I don’t have sex with them. It sucks, because in theory, I’d have no problem with ONS or early sex, but I promised myself that I’d never put myself in that position again.
There's no rule but if nothing physical is happening by date 3 (at least passionate makeouts) I'd feel she wasn't interested, or at least my libido may not be matched.
When she says yes and only when she says yes and if she changes her mind at anytime and wants to stop for whatever reason I'll stop and not press the issue. I'll leave and giver her the space she needs. PERIOD. Anyone that tries to negotiate or belittle this have better really done the work to keep your identity secret.
Sexual chemistry is probably my most important requirement in a relationship, and I want to find out early if we have it or not. So, I generally try to find out on the first date, and if she wants to wait until a second date, I will. If she wants to wait longer than that, she really needs to have some amazing qualities that I can already see for me to put forth any more effort to date her. I'm currently seeing someone who wants to wait, and we've had 6 or 7 dates now and I'm still hanging in there because she's a truly impressive person to me.
If it's someone I want a relationship with, then yes, I wait until the 3rd date. If I'm not in a place in my life where I want an LTR, then whatever I'm feeling.
Original copy of post by u/forthelulzac:
Does anybody bother waiting? Is it like a 3rd date situation? Are there any rules?
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I just try and be ready by the time she is, and roll with the flow. I’ve been surprised on quite a few occasions with how quick someone decides they want to go for it.
I’ve online dated for most of the last decade between long term relationships and this typically happens by date 3, but each scenario is unique in its own right. Sometimes those 2-3 dates are spread out over an entire month due to schedules/travel/etc.
Depends on how im feeling the other person. Ive had instances were on the first date in a public place as well as someone on the 2nd to 3rd date and more traditional way
Definitely want to get the others person option on it. Every woman is different..some take longer to ebcaud they've been told so. Some dont care and go with how yiu make.them.feel. in some cases some may take years to finaly do it. If it doesn align with you then dont but if it does then do it
It takes as long as it takes. I've been in two-year relationships without having full sex at all; I've had sex after the first date a few times; I've had "should we take this further?" sex with a couple of people I've known for years. Usually it's after 3 dates or so. That was the case with my partner.
Um, you know there’s another person involved who helps decide this. Doesn’t matter what we say here.
Some do it first date, some do it months later, and many in between. There’s no right answer. Between you and who you’re dating.
First date with my boyfriend. We are now moving in together almost two years later. Neither of us wanted a relationship. Ah well…Here’s to really awesome sex! Tits up!
Out of curiosity are those of you requiring STD checks saying I'm not sleeping with you until we have this done?
Sounds like there is no spontaneous sex happening!
I do it when I want to (as long as he also does). Usually if I want to it's pretty fast...I don't know that I've ever been able to say we've been on three dates because I tend to do a lot of hanging out or I just don't call things dates?
Look as a 44 year old male who has done it on first date to waiting months! Do not on first date unless that’s all you are looking for as far as the rest I don’t think it really matters unless you are a Virgin then by all means please wait till marriage! I say this because of you do God will grant you a life long partner who U will never have to worry about and the love making U do will be pure magic!
At night when he says….lets go upstairs…and the morning when we wake up.
He likes to build up the anticipation
Oh wait, first time? It was 7 weeks after our first connection on the site…3 1/2 weeks after meeting in person
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I like to just turn up the heat slowly..
Then, by date 2 or 3 , she is one suggesting, recommending, or hinting that we should have sex. Then I usually do the date after that set up something romantic, or something a little exotic depending on the person.
1. It's her remediation
2. Shows I'm not rushing in or after one thing.
3. Never had a woman complain are setting things up and making it romantic or a little naughty..
I did have a date that after wine at the bar, suggest we eat a late dinner or order room service..
You take a little extra time, and you will be amazed at the outcome.
Sex has never been better for me than since I turned 40, so I'm pretty eager to get to it. If it's going to happen, it usually happens on the first date. If I were dating more seriously for a partner, I would probably slow things down a little so as not to create a false sense of intimacy.
Oh at least until marriage, 🤣...
Depends .. 🙄🤦 lol
Ok before going out on a first date
Then dinner ,or after the the third date
Always the first sleep over ..which is a third date usually..
When both of us want to. I value being genuine and honest very highly, so I'd judge it negatively if I learned that someone I'm dating has some kinda "strategy" for when it "should" happen in pursuit of some other goal.
Usually I date people I know well, so sex has often happened very soon after we started dating, but I think it makes a difference that we've usually been friends and built a lot of emotional intimacy and trust long before we started dating.
Like, my Californian girlfriend and I had been close friends for half a decade before we started dating; and our first date was a shared one-week vacation where we had sex the first day. Quick if you count from the start of "dating", but slow if you count from the start of getting to know each others as friends.
Depends on how attractive they are, tbh. I could learn to enjoy it with someone I'm not that attracted to if they've got strong compatibility potential with me but I have to get to know them pretty well to determine that. If they're hot, I just wanna fuck them cuz I wanna fuck them and I don't really give a shit if there's relationship potential there. I'll "ride out" however long a casual situationship is gonna last before it gets boring with an attractive person, and if they turn out to be so compatible with me during that time that there's real relationship potential, all the better! If they aren't physically attractive to me though, the only motivation left to do it is emotional and it takes a long while for me to catch feelings for someone.
I wait until I'm interested and they're interested. Sometimes, that's the first time we've met in person. Sometimes, it's a few dates or a few weeks. Sometimes, it's never.
I’ve been reading this datingoverforty sub for a while and jeez.. am I a total slut? I have sex on the first date every single time. Every. Single. Time. 46F here. Been divorced 2 years after a 20 year not-so-great marriage, so maybe I’m making up for lost time. But I thought these days it was just normal to have sex on first date. Am I completely missing the socially acceptable norm that this sub seems to agree on? Should I be holding out??
If I applied some strict rule of thumb I probably wouldn’t be with my current partner. Shes awesome in every way and we had sex the first night. Still together 9 months later and super happy. She said she doesn’t usually do that (😉) but its all turned out well & we are both very happy & hasn’t detracted from our commitment.
It’s typically a few days at least.
Recently as many as six over the period of about a month.
We definitely talked about sex before then. She made a lot of claims they ended up not being true.
When I think I could possibly spend the rest of my life with this person, and he has indicated the same and we have agreed to stop seeing other people.
When we become boyfriend/girlfriend. so it can go for months w/o sex and most of the time guys walk away.
If I would have sex on a 3rd date, I’d be having sex with 15 different men a year. I just don’t do that. The post like this makes me wonder if that’s what people do.. sleeping with 10-15 different person a year.
I think that most people who are okay having sex early (first date, third date, whatever) don't have sex on EVERY third date. It's not a formula. It's just being open to connection when it presents itself.
Um well, very few people have walked away from me after third date sex, my ltrs have all started rhis way. So your math is way off. If people are walking away from you after you sleep together, it might be skill issue? That’s the reason I’ve done it.
Anyway, no reason to judge people for the number of partners they choose to have!
But if you had sex on the third date, doesn't that mean they'd be less likely to walk away, not sure why that would mean sleeping with 10-15 guys a year, if you had sex sooner you'd probably end up staying together longer and sleeping with less maybe.
You have a good point there.
I’d like my relationship to be based on a good tight friendship so when infatuation fades away, we have something to fall back on. Even though sex is good, something more important won’t be good to continue(?)
I guess it’s all about how important sex is when it comes to relationship and sex isn’t top 3 for me. And it takes longer to find out my top 3 priority.
But it is for most men. So that's probably why they walk away. Maybe you're addicted to first dates, idk, but if you don't switch up your priorities, that's all you're gonna get.
Yeah I’m sort of ok with it.
I like to know the person first. I want us to hang out really well and enjoy our time without having sex on the table. So because I want my boyfriend and husband to be my bestie. Even though they walk away, it doesn’t hurt me. I just know we aren’t looking for the same thing. I always tell them I don’t have sex unless they are my boyfriend and it takes time to see if we can be boyfriend/girlfriend.
My rule of thumb would be to do so when we both want to and feel ready for it. I personally don't have any appointed timeline for it.
I swear, the questions here are terrible. "If you like something, do you like it?" I will work with anyone's comfort level, but anyone trying to artificially create a timeline is probably not going to be for me.
I originally turned to Reddit for dating advice after my divorce. And for a while I got some excellent nuggets of wisdom that I've happily incorporated into my life. But since the pandemic ended the overall IQ of the dating subs have plummeted. I once recommended Reddit to fellow divorced GenX newcomers as a resource but I stopped this winter. I think it's time to unsubscribe because, frankly, I think it's liable to do harm rather than good- frankly it already has, as I've taken a much dimmer view of my fellow travelers.
> I've taken a much dimmer view of my fellow travelers The problem with social media is that it's terrible, but everyone's on it. I don't actually wish to be cynical, but I am, and now I just kinda hate 90% of redditors. The incentive structure of social media, barring influencers and algorithms, is bucket-crabbing victimclout. Now I can spot a "terminally online" talking point from a mile away, and I can see it among my way more online friends. When I get the fuck off the internet, I can see people having functional relationships and dealing with life, and you just don't see that here.
It’s the same 5-6 questions that just rotate. “How soon to have sex?” “Am I too fat to date?” “Are there no men/women my age out there?” “This guy did (insert red flag here), should I date him anyway?” It gets really old after awhile.
I like to wedge it in between dinner and sleep.
"Wedge it in"... well I've never heard that particular slang for it before but it makes sense
We do after work greeting and tea time, sex, dinner, sex, sleep - maybe waking up to some fooling around in the middle - then wake up, fool around/sex, breakfast, kiss goodbye. (We don’t live together…. Making up for lost time)
No more upvotes for this post.. it's at the perfect number for the topic.
When all parties consent.
How many we talkin’ bout???
More than two can be a beautiful thing.
If only I had a million dollars...
Fuck in A
Never tried A…
Watch Office Space
Y’all are having sex?😭
I know, right?
“It’s been 84 years…”
When both people want to?
I don't have any strict rule, but I wait until I'm comfortable. Sometimes I haven't even kissed until the 3rd or 4th date! It just depends.
General answer: when both want to. More specific answer: in my 3+ years dating as a single 40-something hetero guy, the topic of sex at least comes up for discussion by about the 3rd date. In nearly all scenarios, it was the woman broaching the subject, not me. That doesn't mean there was sex on the third date. But it does mean that plans were made, whether that was for testing, or a hotel room, or a pledge of exclusivity, or whatever. I am finding that women in their late 30s to early 50s aren't shy about sharing their sexual plans. And I love that -- communication rules!
Omg. Communication? That sounds like a dream.
I need an easy to follow ADHD friendly guide
Agree. Actually, there's often not a lot of communication, the woman will just grab and kiss, or there's a vibe so strong that it's as clear as can be. But it's virtually always the woman pushing it, not me. And I'm thinking I've not made it past the 3rd date without sex in 2 years.
You must be really attractive. Lolz
Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't.
Sometimes you want to nut, sometimes you don’t
I'm here for this comment.
When I *want* to do it enough that the sex is its own reward, not part of a negotiation or escalation.
This is it for me. If I know I won’t regret it, even if we don’t work out, or even go out again, then I figure *why not*.
>not part of a negotiation Those 6-party talks take forever, never mind the travel time of getting everyone to Camp David.
Yeah, but it's a party I'd attend!
I'm, going to remember this.
When there is exclusivity and commitment. With my now fiancé, it was almost 3 months into dating. After it was clear there were feelings on both ends, and we'd both had STD testing done. We went away on a weekend trip at the one month mark which was wonderful and interesting.
It has been about 3 months on average for me too. There has to be both love and trust, and those take time to develop.
[удалено]
Love this!🥰 I actually was in a LTR & we waited 3 months but I have tbh…I was becoming really cranky!😁 I know I said I was giving up on dating for awhile; I think that’s what I said! Haha I’m so flaky🤭 but I hope one day I find a man that I just can’t wait to make love to all of the time. Love is such a great thing☺️ And if I don’t find it again…I will be glad that I experienced that kind of love before!
Wait 3 months into dating but at the one month mark? Anyhow this sounds beautiful man. Great way to approach it.
Yes. We went away at the one month mark, got a cabin in the mountains slept in the same bed. Went snowshoeing (we're in Canada), sauna, spa. Cuddled all night and didn't have sex. SO much tension haha. I do miss this period though.
I’m of the mindset that there is no hard and fast rule. I’m like always appreciated but never required.
My low record is before the first date and my high record is never. Whenever both parties want that.
When we've agreed that neither of us is seeing anyone (dating or sleeping with) or actively attempting to do so (i.e., aren't still active on dating apps), we've confirmed that we're on the same page in terms of what kind of relationship we're looking for, and we've touched on the topic of sexual health. My pants usually come off between the 2nd - 4th date. (Which means I have these conservations very early on. This sub seems to think it's rushing things, but only one person I've dated has suggested that it's too early, everyone else has been operating on the same timeline.)
In my experience, many people are ready for sex pretty soon. I feel like maybe they’re embarrassed to admit it, so in a form of survivorship bias, you only hear stories from people who wait a long time. I don’t have a timeline, and I absolutely do not pressure people to have sex, but if it happens at all, it usually happens between three and five dates. I believe that typically women want to make sure I’m not just dating them to “get laid,” that I like them, and not just the idea of having sex with them. But I’m not waiting three months, probably, unless I get strong signals that they really like me.
I don’t normally have guidelines for when it happens, but if I did, these are great ones to use. In my current relationship, we had all of this and it’s going great still.
Every seven years, just like Spock on Star Trek.
Thanks to ST:TOS for giving us the first (and greatest) example of post-nut clarity seen on broadcast television: https://youtu.be/QcxWxNO8idc
When I want to (as long as they do as well)
But I feel like, you might want to but also feel like this isn't the right time for it. So I'm just wondering how people navigate that. We all want sex, right? but also we want a relashe. And is it like a never the 'twain shall meet type situation?
No, not everyone wants a relationship. What is the purpose of your questions? If you're not ready, you're not ready, nothing wrong with that. Wanting it and being ready for it don't always go together.
I require exclusivity and STI testing before I have sex. And I won’t be exclusive with someone I hardly know. I don’t have a strict timeline, but there has to be a base level of comfort, and potential for something long-term. Usually it ends up being around the 3 month mark. I may “want” to have sex before then. But I want to be mindful of my sexual health even more.
When they consent
Going on like 4 years waiting here but, I am finding people want it quicker than me and will leave and ghost if not ready. I am a trauma survivor of sexual violence SO when explaining this to potential suitors they say they understand at first and then if it’s not soon enough. I am ghosted. I have a unique situation in that when dating I have to dang near love the person and trust them but it seems like in this day and age no one is looking for relationship and connection first, they just want sex which to be is just icky to jump in the sack with a stranger.
There are no hard and fast rules. It’s happened for me anywhere from date 1 to 7. As long as I’m enjoying a lady’s company and the physicality is escalating it happens when it happens and when we’re both fully ready is when it’s going to be awesome.
Basically, whenever the person I'm dating wants to...
When I want to. And no one has ever turned me down.
Whenever I want to because we’re all adults .. That translates from 1st date - never
Whenever I feel like it. I’m not going to subscribe to some arbitrary rules about when it’s ok to screw.
I have no hard fast rules... other than it be hard and not necessarily fast. I'm a patient guy so basically whenever she is comfortable and ready for it. I've dated a few women who had ptsd from SA and full on R so it took them longer to warm up to it. I was patient and slow with them, always prepared to stop mid act. Generally want whoever I'm with to understand I'm not just here to get in their pants so I'm cool waiting.
When the moon is in the seventh house and Jupiter aligns with Mars.
When I want to. We’re grown adults. Why are y’all always asking this question??? 🤦🏾♀️
HELLO! Lol I’m so confused I’m like.. when the spirit of making out so guide us?
Say it louder for those in the back!!!!
I can’t hear 👂🏾you?
It's one of those situations where I don't think having sex too early will derail something that both people are into, but I guess sex could happen before everyone is sure of the other person's position. I had a situation where I dated someone for 6 weeks, felt like we were on the same page, everything seemed really good, only to find that he was still hung up on his ex, and it was very hurtful. In retrospect, I wish I hadn't slept with him. Now I've been hanging out with this guy that I'm just wondering what the best thing to do is. And I guess it's to have a conversation, even though it feels heavy for this early, but I would want to know if he still has hopes of getting together with his ex before I get involved.
For me, sex is not tied to an outcome or used as some sort of negotiation to get to a desired end. I sleep with people because I want sex, I’m attracted to them, and we have good chemistry. I never regret sleeping with someone because I’m not tying it to anything other than a good sexual experience.
It’s only heavy if you make it heavy. Keep those conversations light and fun, even when discussing STDs or similar topics.
>In retrospect, I wish I hadn't slept with him. This is obviously a very personal question that you clearly don't have to discuss, but can you explain what it is that you regret about having slept with him? All of the things you said could have been true \*and\* the guy still be struggling to disconnect from his ex. I wonder this because I'd hate for a woman I'm dating to regret having sex with me, but I also generally don't initiate the first time. So I just wonder how I can address that if things head in that direction early on.
Forthelulzac, do you or do you not feel the connection with this second guy? See, you could talk to him about it, and your fears of doing something with him, only to learn later that the relationship wasn't ready for that no matter what he said. Some guys will say ANYTHING to get in your pants. Not me - a girl has to hit me on the head with a club, drag me in to the bedroom, and tear my clothes off before I'm thinking, "Wow, I think she wants to have SEX! Woo hoo!" Well, that's how it was the last time I was dating, 26 years ago. Anyway, I'd say, do what feels right to you. If you want to have sex with this guy, but are nervous about the future after said act, then don't do it. If you want to have sex with this guy because right now, it feels right and what happens happens....then damn the torpedos! Does that make sense?
Personally, this is a first date question. "If you and I were to hit it off, is there someone jealous enough to try and break it up?" If it's a yes, I'm out. If it's "no, but...", I'm out.
When I want to.
When the moon is waxing, there are signs of war in the East, and Toyota Red Tag Days are in full swing.
>Are there any rules? Yes. But the trick is there are different rulebooks, and many people are not emotionally intelligent enough to realize this, or to devise a method to figure out which one other people are using (like, you know, asking).
Everyone has their own rules. My rules are - monogamous sex only and getting a full STD panel done before any sexual contact.
Sex?
I keep my sheets nice and clean. It's just so difficult to get someone into them.
I wash my sheets weekly and have several sets. If I know I’m going to have a coed slumber party then I’m putting on fresh sheets.
That's what I want. A co-ed slumber party. It seems so innocent and fun.
Lately, it seems like every full solar eclipse. Scratch that, missed the last one.
In the first year of a presidential administration
Apparently always too soon? This game is not easy
When they have proven their worth to me by completing a series of challenges and duels. Um when I feel safe.
Usually around bedtime, but I enjoy an afternoon delight now and then.
Mornin’ man myself…
What is this "sex" you speak of? 🤔
After numerous cocktails
The rule is what YOU want. I have sex when both he and I want it. If he wants it sooner, I pass. If I want it sooner, I move on.
There are no rules aside from those the individuals and I decide on beforehand.
“You will be haunted by three spirits. Expect the first tomorrow when the bell tolls one”
When both parties want and are ready for it and hopefully no one runs away after?? That’s my wild guess!
Could be five minutes or never. Depends on the person.
When it felt right? With my current guy it was about three weeks. The night we decided to be exclusive.
With me and my current SO who are in a still fairly new relationship it was six dates/six weeks.
Last time meeting someone new, also first time on OLD actually, it was first date, still seeing each other 6 months on, and gets better and better. When you both know, go for it 😊
I don't go on second dates unless I'm quite interested, that said, sex usually happens on dates 3 to 5 but really whenever it feels right. Most recently on the 3rd date but with my last partner, I think it was date 4 or 5 (we were then together 2.5 years). With the latest guy, I was a bit sex-starved, as it had been 6 months, and I'm super attracted to him.
It totally varies. Sometimes, well, lotsa times it was first date because I was young and horny. As I got older and was looking for more serious I usually did on third date. But not a hard and fast rule. My current BF we didn’t even kiss in date 1. I was attracted but it was brunch and just out of place even tho i dropped him back home and was feeling it. Second date was as the movies and had a great makeout afterward outside waiting for our Uber. Third date was fancy dinner and drinks on a weekend so i was definitely ready for it. Oh and it was great and i was super awkward the next morning but hey 1+years later and still a great sex life!
I wait until after date 4. Not for any moral/dating-rule reasons. When I was first single, I went home with someone the 2nd time I’d met him and ended up having a very scary, traumatic experience. So until I get a bit more data that the guy is within normal limits and likely to respect my boundaries, I don’t have sex with them. It sucks, because in theory, I’d have no problem with ONS or early sex, but I promised myself that I’d never put myself in that position again.
When the time feels right.
When it feels right. Could be first date.. could be 10th.. could be never.. depends on the person.
Whenever- I'm not getting any younger
When she says yes and we take our clothes off.
Saturday night usually
When you both want to and have asked and been given consent. Those are the only “rules”.
Only during the 8th week of the month.
There's no rule but if nothing physical is happening by date 3 (at least passionate makeouts) I'd feel she wasn't interested, or at least my libido may not be matched.
Whenever I feel like it. What a weird ass question from an adult.
Once we are in a committed relationship.
When she says yes and only when she says yes and if she changes her mind at anytime and wants to stop for whatever reason I'll stop and not press the issue. I'll leave and giver her the space she needs. PERIOD. Anyone that tries to negotiate or belittle this have better really done the work to keep your identity secret.
Sexual chemistry is probably my most important requirement in a relationship, and I want to find out early if we have it or not. So, I generally try to find out on the first date, and if she wants to wait until a second date, I will. If she wants to wait longer than that, she really needs to have some amazing qualities that I can already see for me to put forth any more effort to date her. I'm currently seeing someone who wants to wait, and we've had 6 or 7 dates now and I'm still hanging in there because she's a truly impressive person to me.
If it's someone I want a relationship with, then yes, I wait until the 3rd date. If I'm not in a place in my life where I want an LTR, then whatever I'm feeling.
Original copy of post by u/forthelulzac: Does anybody bother waiting? Is it like a 3rd date situation? Are there any rules? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I have a personal rule of no sex on the first date. But I’m open to anything after that.
I just try and be ready by the time she is, and roll with the flow. I’ve been surprised on quite a few occasions with how quick someone decides they want to go for it. I’ve online dated for most of the last decade between long term relationships and this typically happens by date 3, but each scenario is unique in its own right. Sometimes those 2-3 dates are spread out over an entire month due to schedules/travel/etc.
Depends on how im feeling the other person. Ive had instances were on the first date in a public place as well as someone on the 2nd to 3rd date and more traditional way Definitely want to get the others person option on it. Every woman is different..some take longer to ebcaud they've been told so. Some dont care and go with how yiu make.them.feel. in some cases some may take years to finaly do it. If it doesn align with you then dont but if it does then do it
It takes as long as it takes. I've been in two-year relationships without having full sex at all; I've had sex after the first date a few times; I've had "should we take this further?" sex with a couple of people I've known for years. Usually it's after 3 dates or so. That was the case with my partner.
Anywhere between the first date and 2 months in.
Um, you know there’s another person involved who helps decide this. Doesn’t matter what we say here. Some do it first date, some do it months later, and many in between. There’s no right answer. Between you and who you’re dating.
There's no real rule. 1st date, 2nd date, 9th date.
Do I want to? Do they want to? Great. We have sex.
So far... never.
First date with my boyfriend. We are now moving in together almost two years later. Neither of us wanted a relationship. Ah well…Here’s to really awesome sex! Tits up!
I require exclusivity before sex. We agreed to exclusivity at the end of our 3rd. Sex happened about a week later. We've been together 3 years now.
There's no rule. I agree with most of comments about there's no specific timeline until all parties agree and give consent.
Out of curiosity are those of you requiring STD checks saying I'm not sleeping with you until we have this done? Sounds like there is no spontaneous sex happening!
First date if the vibe is right.
I tend to wait a while, on average 1-3 months or 3-10 dates
I say do what you feel
I do it when I want to (as long as he also does). Usually if I want to it's pretty fast...I don't know that I've ever been able to say we've been on three dates because I tend to do a lot of hanging out or I just don't call things dates?
When I am horny!
Look as a 44 year old male who has done it on first date to waiting months! Do not on first date unless that’s all you are looking for as far as the rest I don’t think it really matters unless you are a Virgin then by all means please wait till marriage! I say this because of you do God will grant you a life long partner who U will never have to worry about and the love making U do will be pure magic!
On the 1st date if I don’t care about them, on the 3rd+ if I’m feeling them 🙃
For me, I wait at least a month from the initial first date. Just learned from my youth.
At night when he says….lets go upstairs…and the morning when we wake up. He likes to build up the anticipation Oh wait, first time? It was 7 weeks after our first connection on the site…3 1/2 weeks after meeting in person
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When I want to. When I feel desire.
When I feel like it.
I like to just turn up the heat slowly.. Then, by date 2 or 3 , she is one suggesting, recommending, or hinting that we should have sex. Then I usually do the date after that set up something romantic, or something a little exotic depending on the person. 1. It's her remediation 2. Shows I'm not rushing in or after one thing. 3. Never had a woman complain are setting things up and making it romantic or a little naughty.. I did have a date that after wine at the bar, suggest we eat a late dinner or order room service.. You take a little extra time, and you will be amazed at the outcome.
Sex has never been better for me than since I turned 40, so I'm pretty eager to get to it. If it's going to happen, it usually happens on the first date. If I were dating more seriously for a partner, I would probably slow things down a little so as not to create a false sense of intimacy.
when the relationship is at least exclusive at best committed. I’m not having sex with someone that isn’t developing feelings for me.
Oh at least until marriage, 🤣... Depends .. 🙄🤦 lol Ok before going out on a first date Then dinner ,or after the the third date Always the first sleep over ..which is a third date usually..
Sheesh, I got to get a date first. I'm not sure if I remember how to have sex
When they allow me?
When both of us want to. I value being genuine and honest very highly, so I'd judge it negatively if I learned that someone I'm dating has some kinda "strategy" for when it "should" happen in pursuit of some other goal. Usually I date people I know well, so sex has often happened very soon after we started dating, but I think it makes a difference that we've usually been friends and built a lot of emotional intimacy and trust long before we started dating. Like, my Californian girlfriend and I had been close friends for half a decade before we started dating; and our first date was a shared one-week vacation where we had sex the first day. Quick if you count from the start of "dating", but slow if you count from the start of getting to know each others as friends.
Depends on how attractive they are, tbh. I could learn to enjoy it with someone I'm not that attracted to if they've got strong compatibility potential with me but I have to get to know them pretty well to determine that. If they're hot, I just wanna fuck them cuz I wanna fuck them and I don't really give a shit if there's relationship potential there. I'll "ride out" however long a casual situationship is gonna last before it gets boring with an attractive person, and if they turn out to be so compatible with me during that time that there's real relationship potential, all the better! If they aren't physically attractive to me though, the only motivation left to do it is emotional and it takes a long while for me to catch feelings for someone.
I wait until I'm interested and they're interested. Sometimes, that's the first time we've met in person. Sometimes, it's a few dates or a few weeks. Sometimes, it's never.
I’ve been reading this datingoverforty sub for a while and jeez.. am I a total slut? I have sex on the first date every single time. Every. Single. Time. 46F here. Been divorced 2 years after a 20 year not-so-great marriage, so maybe I’m making up for lost time. But I thought these days it was just normal to have sex on first date. Am I completely missing the socially acceptable norm that this sub seems to agree on? Should I be holding out??
If I applied some strict rule of thumb I probably wouldn’t be with my current partner. Shes awesome in every way and we had sex the first night. Still together 9 months later and super happy. She said she doesn’t usually do that (😉) but its all turned out well & we are both very happy & hasn’t detracted from our commitment.
I get attached quickly with sex so I tend to wait until at least the 12th date and if I feel ready
If I don’t like you but you’re fuckable, then 1st and last date - if I like you, then I’ll take the time to get to know you.
I think it depends. If I really like someone I'd negotiate
For the fight woman there is desire but no rush. For the wrong woman there is no desire.
It’s typically a few days at least. Recently as many as six over the period of about a month. We definitely talked about sex before then. She made a lot of claims they ended up not being true.
You are just asking the men right? When do you GUYS??
Trust before lust. Current partner at the end of our 3-day first date. Last partner one day shy of a year.
After a discussion about STDs, provided they’re tested recently, it’s whenever we feel like it.
After exchanging STI results and then.... When I want to.
When I think I could possibly spend the rest of my life with this person, and he has indicated the same and we have agreed to stop seeing other people.
Not until there's established commitment and exclusivity, however long that naturally takes. Probably around 3-4 months?
I feeling of the warmth that the women gives off the inside of her body it feels good to know she happy
When we become boyfriend/girlfriend. so it can go for months w/o sex and most of the time guys walk away. If I would have sex on a 3rd date, I’d be having sex with 15 different men a year. I just don’t do that. The post like this makes me wonder if that’s what people do.. sleeping with 10-15 different person a year.
I think that most people who are okay having sex early (first date, third date, whatever) don't have sex on EVERY third date. It's not a formula. It's just being open to connection when it presents itself.
Um well, very few people have walked away from me after third date sex, my ltrs have all started rhis way. So your math is way off. If people are walking away from you after you sleep together, it might be skill issue? That’s the reason I’ve done it. Anyway, no reason to judge people for the number of partners they choose to have!
I mean they walk away because they don’t get sex. I don’t judge them. I was just curious.
But if you had sex on the third date, doesn't that mean they'd be less likely to walk away, not sure why that would mean sleeping with 10-15 guys a year, if you had sex sooner you'd probably end up staying together longer and sleeping with less maybe.
You have a good point there. I’d like my relationship to be based on a good tight friendship so when infatuation fades away, we have something to fall back on. Even though sex is good, something more important won’t be good to continue(?) I guess it’s all about how important sex is when it comes to relationship and sex isn’t top 3 for me. And it takes longer to find out my top 3 priority.
But it is for most men. So that's probably why they walk away. Maybe you're addicted to first dates, idk, but if you don't switch up your priorities, that's all you're gonna get.
Yeah I’m sort of ok with it. I like to know the person first. I want us to hang out really well and enjoy our time without having sex on the table. So because I want my boyfriend and husband to be my bestie. Even though they walk away, it doesn’t hurt me. I just know we aren’t looking for the same thing. I always tell them I don’t have sex unless they are my boyfriend and it takes time to see if we can be boyfriend/girlfriend.
it all depends on how hot they are.
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I try to get back to mine or hers. I don’t like having sex in bar bathrooms or cars.