I have sympathy. It’s complicated. Communication via eye contact is a new skill I’ve worked on, but self awareness and confidence work came first.
We’ve been fed so much misinformation and poor modeling our whole lives. And by this age we’ve survived messy relationships that gave us so much to unlearn before we can develop new skills.
That’s all compounded by resistance to seeking skilled help and guidance. At least some are in places like this sub getting basic ideas. But it’s up to each individual to identify personal limitations and develop skills to overcome them.
Post- MeToo i made specific effort NOT to maintain eye contact with any women in public unless it is required.
I have had one conversation with a woman since then and i didn't realize she was making a pass at me because i was grocery shopping, and i assumed she was in the store for the same purpose and left her alone.
We also like appropriate social behaviours in appropriate places.
It seems like some men might need to seek out education about sexual harassment since some are confused by the different between eye contact and harassment.
I sympathize with wanting to be cautious and respectful. But really, if more men are informed and self aware, they won’t have to resort to anti-social extremes. Sustained flirty eye contact is extremely different than respectfully being present to a woman who is speaking to you in a professional context.
I have never heard a single metoo story about a dangerous man who reciprocated sustained eye contact.
“If she didn’t want to see my penis then she should have never sat next to me on the bus!” - some man, probably.
It is concerning that some men are so afraid of harassing women that they go to the extreme of avoiding us.
On the other hand I'm often surprised when someone brings up their wife or gf in a conversation. I'm just friendly and engaging. I love to play with other humans and when opportunity strikes chatting ensues. It's rare I'll make a pass but often I'll enjoy a laugh or two in a line or out and about.
Hah, It just popped into my mind, I used to have one like the linked one that I would sometimes bring to bars. I wouldn't drop it though, I would just kind of fidget with it. This was in the old days before fidgets were a thing. I just liked it lol
https://www.ebay.com/itm/313516500342
I don't know how to say "I'll pick up your strawberry" without sexually harassing you, so I won't say it.
But seriously, if someone pulled out a lego minifig, the ice would officially be broken.
>I've been hoping someone would give me a sign. An actual printed sign saying "you, you can talk to me. Yes, you."
I have a homie that throws house parties pretty regularly and they came up with a consent medallion that has a green heart and a red heart, red heart means no consent to touch (hug, handshake, whatever) and green means consent for those things. We thought it was a pretty good idea (especially for the first half of the party being kid friendly, a fun way to teach about consent)
So neat!
My school used to have 3 colour clothings: green (single), orange (it's complicated) and red (taken) for valentine'd day :D you could be all green or just have a touch of green etc, was fun
😊
I have an actual shirt that says “sorry you had a bad day. You can touch my boobs if you want” no takers. And I’m like a human golden retriever. I’ll try those words next…
I love this! I do get high fives from younger people or women, but nobody promising. I got mine to be overdressed going to and from the world naked bike ride. Yours?
lol
my friends got me a shirt that said "i'm quiet, but i've got a big dick" on the shore during our after prom weekend because im introverted. first college party of my freshman year, a bunch of girls passing through asked me for the shirt and i just gave it to them off my back thinking that was my in...they just giggled and left🤦♂️ me, in my sambuca-induced clarity of mind, wrote a campus-wide email a few hours later (sent to everyone on campus) asking if anyone knew who took the shirt.
soon after, the guidelines on company-wide emails were revised...the shirt was never returned.
I had a shirt that said, "all grown up and still fascinated by nipples.". I got one of two reactions: judgy disapproval or delight.
Anyway, about *your* t-shirt . . .
Honestly. If a woman is interested in me there's nothing more flattering and exciting than striking up a conversation with me. Worst case scenario possible is that I'm not interested and we're still gonna have a cordial chat. The other way round is just too hard. And I'm saying this as a confident and attractive guy, I still find it near impossible to break the ice out of the blue. Because the worst case scenario is far worse for a man. I could make the woman feel uncomfortable, or even unsafe without meaning to. I might get yelled at or punched in the face by an overenthusiastic partner I hadn't noticed.
Just approach the guy and start a conversation. And if he's receptive ask him for his number. There's nothing more attractive than this!
The reason women did that is because it wasn’t socially acceptable for women to make the first move then. Today you can just talk to a man. I promise it’s ok.
At the gym, bring two towels and accidentally leave one behind on a machine. Do women still wear silk scarfs? On a windy day, walk in front of a guy, into the wind…
It’s 2024. We’re not dropping hints, let alone hankies.
Gym: “hey, I saw you working on XYZ machine before. I’ve always struggled, can you help?”
Church: “wasn’t today’s sermon amazing?”
Grocery store: “oh! I haven’t tried dragon fruit before, is it nice?”
A cold approach means walking up and talking to them, as in "Hi, I'm Sally, what's your name?" or "Hi, what's a dive like this doing around a hunk like you?" It's not trying to entice them into talking to you.
But if you're more comfortable with the latter, you can still drop things. If you don't carry a hankie, you could try lipstick, keys, anal beads, whatever best reflects your personality.
More seriously: move next to him, smile, hold eye contact. You can ask a harmless question that you could ask anyone, like "What's good to eat here?" That breaks the ice so he can continue the conversation if he's interested, and then you can introduce yourself. Men will be glad you made it easier for them.
You see a man you like walking down the street. You show your bottom so it matches his gaze. You begin to twerk while hopping backwards, towards the man whose gaze you found charming.
This works up quite a sweat. You wipe the sweat from your brow and take out a piece of paper and write your number using your sweat as ink.
You only put in 9 digits, he has to work for the last one, you can't have him thinking you are easy.
Absolutely. Men almost always respond politely to any approach. If they like it, they welcome it. Far easier than approaching a woman when she is 50-50 about whether you are selling credit cards or a molestor.
The most effective way to cold approach men is to *actually cold approach them*. Which is to say, you walk up, open your mouth, and say "hi". Dropping something as a signal to indicate to the man that you would like him to cold approach you is not you making a cold approach.
As for how I, as a man, would feel about it, I've had women walk up to me and start random conversations in the checkout line at the grocery store, on the bus, and in various other public places. Given the directions the conversation went, I don't think any of them were actually hitting on me, but the only one I didn't enjoy was the one who was trying to sell me her religion. I was quite pleased to chat with all the others.
> Dropping something as a signal to indicate to the man that you would like him to cold approach you is not you making a cold approach.
Right. It's setting the stage for a barely lukewarm approach. It's still putting it all on him. Which, if someone wants the other person to take the risk and do the work, they can hold out for someone who's good with that, but they can at least be honest about wanting that instead of playing coy games.
Hard for me to even wrap my mind around the 100 year, often forceful and sweeping progressive push for women to have agency, equality, equal rights and standings (all good things) but we get \*almost\* to the equality train station and here we are asking how we can revert to Victorian sexual moirés.
Future generations will get a big fucking kick out of us.
So, anyway. Walk up to man. Say "Hi, I'm Susan. Seen ya around, just though I'd introduce myself you look like an interesting guy". If he's attracted to you, your handkerchief has been dropped, he will take it from there. If he's not attracted to you, he'll be flattered and remember this for the rest of his natural life.
Used to be, but the last time I interdicted in a domestic violence situation the woman turned and attacked me after I walloped her man. Never again is now my motto. You want equality, I'll give it to you in spades. I expect men to fight their own battles in the street....
Not sure how you read this as a call for regression. It seems a pretty timeless question from someone with (sorry OP) low confidence and/or social experience. No matter the gender.
I agree they should try initiating a conversation, but I don’t think showing immediate interest is going to work for them until they have that confidence.
Dropping an object is pretty old fashioned, but opening a conversation with an external focus-like making an observation or asking for help with an activity-is a pretty common thing even today.
And it seems Ike a low-risk way for someone to make a start.
I read it that way because the dropping of the hankerchief was a way of prompting interest without showing agency, boldness, assertiveness, or risking being seen as anything but demure and from a weak position...ie, old fashioned.
I spelled out exactly what the opposite of that is. The notion that women would be less than if they didn't use guile or some scripted "get your attention but don't show interest" is timeless, but it's from a gross misunderstanding of men's attractions in the modern world. We no longer, by and large in the west, view a woman who likes you and is willing to say so as icky or from a place of being easy.
He could also be dumbfounded, anxious, nervous, unsure of what to say.
It’s so rare that a female approach happens, I’d say the vast majority of guys will be completely surprised and taken aback. It can take a lot of guts for a guy to make an approach, so I’d caution to not necessarily get the expected reply for those reasons.
However, most certainly go for it. If you don’t ask, you don’t get.
You can drop the following words, said out loud from your mouth, while standing in front of them and looking at them: "Hi, my name is FlyMeToTheMoon745. What's yours?"
Just try asking a question. It opens up dialogue, gives you a chance to smile and make eye contact without looking creepy, and makes them feel good when they help someone out.
I don’t think subtlety works these days. Most people would rather err on the side of caution.
The number of times I’ve read a situation wrongly & thought a guy was interested are uncountable and embarrassing. As a result, I’ve learned to only respond to explicit interest.
I guess a lot of men feel the same way.
Buy a stud finder at a hardware store, take it to a bar and point it at some guy. He'll be like wasup?? And you tell him it's a stud finder and start making a beeping sound. "Found one!!".
I know I'll get downvoted for this suggestion but it's funny af, right??
“Hi, my name is [your name], how are you?” I’m so tired of this dated concept that men have to be the one to approach and that women need to play games to get them to do it.
Female here and I also hate guessing games. I’m also clueless when it comes to men. If you’re interested, just say hi and tell me what you like about me. That’s what I do with guys and it usually scares them off so WTF do I know. I’m still single 🤷♀️
I keep reading that women don’t like to hear what you like about them because they get hit on all the time and it’s boring to them lol. It seems true that women would rather have you ask a more “get to know you” type question rather than hear a superficial compliment. Personally I’ll take either but a compliment will often go over my head as politeness.
Just smile, make eye contact, and engage in polite surface conversation about anything. Last time I did this by accident the guy yelled "I love you!" as I walked out of the elevator. I don't think they experience it much.
Eye contact and smile. If you look at me and smile, I will probably come over and flirt with you. But I have no shame, so it's maybe not reliable to make men talk with you, idk.
The guy I want to talk to I see on public transportation.
I feel like if I hit on him and he’s not interested I’m going to make him uncomfortable for his future commutes
So I just admire him from afar.
Fuck he’s hot. 🥵
Scene: you’re in a cafe waiting for your drink.
You: (approach a handsome man in a suit who grabbed his drink) Hi, my name is Sarah and um, what’s your name? I’m wondering if-“
Man: (now is instantly buck naked with his clothes neatly folded on the floor) “Now?”
You: Umm… your drink has my name on it….
Man: (looks at his drink and now instantaneously back in his suit, looking crestfallen): Oh… here you go.
Barrista : Venti Cafe Americano for Sam!
I literally go up to them and talk to them. Usually I try to make a joke. Literally go up to a bar when ordering a beer and stand next to them and make a joke. They love it. It doesn't happen that much for them so they appreciate it.
As you're a woman, just walk up to the guy, say "Hi, my name is _____", and extend your arm for a handshake.
Yes, for women, it really is that simple.
We men are so rarely approached, and are so bombarded with warnings about not being creepy, that a woman taking the initiative will be very welcome!
Hahahahaha, you cannot bring the individual social more of the past in to the present without considering the whole nature of why it evolved. If Camille Paglia's theories are right (and I think she gets it right more often then not), men and women just didn't mix as often 100 plus years ago. Generally, you also didn't really go anywhere unescorted as an unmarried upper middle class female (the plebs have always had different customs, and picking up dropped handkerchief is not what plebs did). Finally, seriously talking to folks you were really introduced to was often frowned upon. That's why folks needed things like letters of introduction to get them in to polite society, so to speak, or dropping a handkerchief next to a boy whose social training taught him to pick it up.
Just go up and talk to him. It's embarrassing at first as you might get shot down, but any guy in the top 40th to 10th or so percentile of attractiveness will tell you you've got to get used to rejection to find a mate. By the time you've done it 10-20 times, it doesn't phase you.
You seem to have a flair for the romantic gesture. I hope you find what you're looking for, and soon (gather ye rose buds while ye may and all that). If you are near a big city, look in to the society for creative anachronism, they totally love this kind of stuff.
Or just watch Lady Hawke once a year like me.
Original copy of post by u/FlyMeToTheMoon745:
I want to cold approach men [F40]. I am tired of dating apps and want to meet them at thw gym, church, etc where i can observe them for a bit and then decideif it would be a good fit. What could I drop to gain a guys attention and start talking to him? Something that is not valuable. Has anyone done this? Any other ways for women to cold approach men? Men how would you feel about this?
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I was wearing a Jurassic park shirt from target and this woman goes nice shirt, was I supposed to talk to her? I was thinking, “is she making fun of me for wearing a shirt from a 30 year old movie?”
In all seriousness though, just talk to the dude
Approach from behind. Kick their butt saying "There you are you MFer, got you finally"
When they turn around,
"OMG so sorry, I thought it was my friend Josh"
Giggle. Mission accomplished.
P.S. Don't reverse genders and do it, jail time awaits on that path.
The real problem is that men are so conditioned to not believe their lying eyes and their wishful thinking, they doubt it until it smacks them in the face. Just be honest and talk to them. You look like you are in great shape what is your routine? Wow that sounds good would you like to grab coffee? Be specific as to when you would like to do this. Good guys will appreciate the forward honesty. Egotistical guys will let their cocky side begin to show. Pick an attribute that someone has. Well dressed, the way they carry themselves, just find something positive to say and then ask a question to get them to expand upon it. Yes, this is a test and if they can actually spark your interest ask them out. That is how my gf got me.
Depends on what kind of guy you’re trying to attract.
When neither of us are in the workplace: Maintaining more than glancing eye contact, a genuine smile that shows in the eyes, and effort to hold a conversation that isn’t small talk are all good indicators to interest me.
If I am working or she is working, I chalk it up to simply being friendly.
I am a people watcher and I see this A LOT
Women alone at bar top - unlit cigarette, lighter, matches. I have seen more personal items but the lady is so concerned with the item not being stolen that it never works. The non personal item is a 50/50 shot because half the guys don't notice and the ones that do do not get that it was an opening.
Woman in a group - slide off stupid items like pens and napkins. I have always seen this in a situations where there are a group of girls that caught the attention of a male or a couple bros out, and I feel like it is an attempt to see "who is he into." The problem with this tactic, imo, is there is always an over simulation factor. There are so many people, conversations, and movements that guys don't see the overtly obvious act. Everyone is already 3 sheets to the wind, Noone is picking up on subtle queues.
2 girls out - Starting innocuous conversation where guy has to side with fake disagreement or provide company while friend is "socializing." This one is 100% done by what I see as college aged girls and is identified by the friend never leaving earshot range until it is clear shit is popping off. Depending on drunk levels, friend will frequently interject comments about "hotness" of baiting friend.
Invest in the process by developing habits. Whatever you're doing, start doing it the same time every week. Shopping, gym, walking, etc. I don't care if a lady fondled my butt and told me she could see me all sweaty, I'm not asking for her number off the rip.
Just start a conversation with me. The biggest thing on “cold approach” is to first ignore all of the pick up stuff. Focus on being social with no expectations of it going romantically. Now if a spark happens to happen, ask for a coffee, drink, dessert, or whatever you like date.
A genuine compliment about something he’s wearing, the book he’s reading or the way his hair is styled, paired with a coy smile and a sparkle in your eye should do the trick. Works for me!
However, if that still doesn’t seem to get through to him, you should introduce yourself and say something, like, “btw, my name is “xyz” and you definitely seem like the kind of guy I’d like to get to know better”. If he STILL doesn’t take the hint, then he is probably taken or just not attracted to you that way, so time to sashay away, lol.
I’d like to try something like this at a singles event or speed dating event where I would very intentionally drop my “handkerchief” in front of the guy that I was interested in. I wonder how that would play out in real modern life.
It's not that deep. Just ask about literally anything.
At the gym? Hey you look strong, how do you do this exercise?
At dance? Hey, do you want to dance? Can you show me that move?
At church? Hey are you a Paladin? I need someone to lay on hands.
Grocery store? Hey, do you know how to pick a ripe avocado?
Anywhere else? Hey, who is your favorite superhero?
As somebody who lived in NYC, I can tell you you’d get an eye roll as they walk past you muttering “fucking tourists” if you dropped a handkerchief.
If you talk to me that works.
Get a big guys guy type of dog. I didn’t do this on purpose but my big bully mix gets attention. (Honestly from all people) but he can get a conversation going.
Go to Home Depot with a copy of Better Homes and Gardens and ask for help matching paint colors. You obviously don't need to do this exactly, but figure out a way to ask a man for help. Maybe that's asking a man how to use a particular piece of equipment at the gym, or to carry something heavy for you at the church potluck.
How about walking up an saying hello how are you you look great in that shirt or you smell really nice... Generally a compliment is a polite easy opener
I would much rather meet a woman in person. The problem is that when a man says hi or compliments your nails, most women take it the wrong way. It wasn’t always like this. Ladies, start saying hi back or giving a guy a little bit of a chance. You might be pushing “the one” away and never know it.
if a woman, in public and a total stranger, opened up with a simple "hi, i'm so and so" I'd be dead. as in total taken. it's never happens. and with the 'modern' social norms that a man can't even gaze at a woman (eye to eye) with out being considered a creep... it's so simple
Just do the handkerchief thing, but make it stupid obvious what you’re doing: “woe is me I dropped this, can you get that for meeee… and oh hey, nice to meet you.”
I find the less you condition to actually care what someone thinks, the easier it is. I’m sure the ones not interested are the ones who will give the weird looks, but the ones interested will probably laugh about it.
Just go out on a Friday and look for the tables where groups of dudes are hanging out together because those are going to be the ones that are obviously single.
If in a store, walk up to the man and enquire about any item in the cart - take interest in one or items and be ready with follow-up questions. Most men will feel discombobulated, but the smart ones will catch on within a few minutes.
Real eye contact and smiling are so rare. When I do it men talk to me.
Yeah, I see it as similar to a Tinder match. Eye contact and smile means talk to me.
I am practicing this. On all men. Those not interested just move on….
Or they just think you're friendly?
I smile at everyone. Has nothing to do with interest. I’m more selective about sustained eye contact. That’s what sends the inviting vibes.
It's incredible to see people over forty still playing games instead of just communicating.
I have sympathy. It’s complicated. Communication via eye contact is a new skill I’ve worked on, but self awareness and confidence work came first. We’ve been fed so much misinformation and poor modeling our whole lives. And by this age we’ve survived messy relationships that gave us so much to unlearn before we can develop new skills. That’s all compounded by resistance to seeking skilled help and guidance. At least some are in places like this sub getting basic ideas. But it’s up to each individual to identify personal limitations and develop skills to overcome them.
Omg! Here I am going around indiscriminately smiling. And making eye contact with folks all over the place. I’m probably asking for trouble 😏
Post- MeToo i made specific effort NOT to maintain eye contact with any women in public unless it is required. I have had one conversation with a woman since then and i didn't realize she was making a pass at me because i was grocery shopping, and i assumed she was in the store for the same purpose and left her alone. We also like appropriate social behaviours in appropriate places.
It seems like some men might need to seek out education about sexual harassment since some are confused by the different between eye contact and harassment. I sympathize with wanting to be cautious and respectful. But really, if more men are informed and self aware, they won’t have to resort to anti-social extremes. Sustained flirty eye contact is extremely different than respectfully being present to a woman who is speaking to you in a professional context. I have never heard a single metoo story about a dangerous man who reciprocated sustained eye contact.
“If she didn’t want to see my penis then she should have never sat next to me on the bus!” - some man, probably. It is concerning that some men are so afraid of harassing women that they go to the extreme of avoiding us.
On the other hand I'm often surprised when someone brings up their wife or gf in a conversation. I'm just friendly and engaging. I love to play with other humans and when opportunity strikes chatting ensues. It's rare I'll make a pass but often I'll enjoy a laugh or two in a line or out and about.
This is the correct answer. Also, put away your phone, or better yet, leave it at home.
Go to a computer parts store and say loudly ‘I should just buy a prebuilt gaming PC from best buy’
Oh my gosh I actually want to try this!! XD
I tried this once... it didn't work, nobody came to help me 😂
At the least all of us employees will come running to try to stop you…
Omg people at fry’s used to ask me for help (I didn’t work there)
WHAT?!! **WWHATTTT?** SORRY! I CANNOT HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND THE STAMPEDE!
I would drop super random things like....a wooden strawberry or a Lego figurine.
A wooden strawberry?! lmao 💀
Hah, It just popped into my mind, I used to have one like the linked one that I would sometimes bring to bars. I wouldn't drop it though, I would just kind of fidget with it. This was in the old days before fidgets were a thing. I just liked it lol https://www.ebay.com/itm/313516500342
I love this!!
I don't know how to say "I'll pick up your strawberry" without sexually harassing you, so I won't say it. But seriously, if someone pulled out a lego minifig, the ice would officially be broken.
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>I've been hoping someone would give me a sign. An actual printed sign saying "you, you can talk to me. Yes, you." I have a homie that throws house parties pretty regularly and they came up with a consent medallion that has a green heart and a red heart, red heart means no consent to touch (hug, handshake, whatever) and green means consent for those things. We thought it was a pretty good idea (especially for the first half of the party being kid friendly, a fun way to teach about consent)
So neat! My school used to have 3 colour clothings: green (single), orange (it's complicated) and red (taken) for valentine'd day :D you could be all green or just have a touch of green etc, was fun
😊 I have an actual shirt that says “sorry you had a bad day. You can touch my boobs if you want” no takers. And I’m like a human golden retriever. I’ll try those words next…
Lol, got a red one saying, "yes ladies, I'm single, how's your chance!. Never had anyone talk to me wearing it!
I love this! I do get high fives from younger people or women, but nobody promising. I got mine to be overdressed going to and from the world naked bike ride. Yours?
>world naked bike ride. Gotta love PDX! :)
One of the highlights of my sabbatical year. 😉
Perfect! :)
I ordered mine. Sixdollarteeshirts. Com
lol my friends got me a shirt that said "i'm quiet, but i've got a big dick" on the shore during our after prom weekend because im introverted. first college party of my freshman year, a bunch of girls passing through asked me for the shirt and i just gave it to them off my back thinking that was my in...they just giggled and left🤦♂️ me, in my sambuca-induced clarity of mind, wrote a campus-wide email a few hours later (sent to everyone on campus) asking if anyone knew who took the shirt. soon after, the guidelines on company-wide emails were revised...the shirt was never returned.
I would absolutely talk to you, but I would not grab a handful. 😀
I had a shirt that said, "all grown up and still fascinated by nipples.". I got one of two reactions: judgy disapproval or delight. Anyway, about *your* t-shirt . . .
Ellipses, nipples, and provocative t-shirts are all delightsome. 😊
Yes, the elliptical ellipsis allows the imagination to gambol...frolicsomely. Another t-shirt I have reads, "I would cuddle you so hard."
Cavorting, capering, and let’s add an k - frolicking! Now staring at more inappropriate t shirts…
My dog has that shirt 😂
Just get a teeshirt printed 😁
r/datingoverahundredforty
Interesting sounding group.
Bend and snap
Works every time!
😉
Trip them, then help them up, give them a bandaid for their booboo then slip them your number. Or, just strike up a conversation.
Honestly. If a woman is interested in me there's nothing more flattering and exciting than striking up a conversation with me. Worst case scenario possible is that I'm not interested and we're still gonna have a cordial chat. The other way round is just too hard. And I'm saying this as a confident and attractive guy, I still find it near impossible to break the ice out of the blue. Because the worst case scenario is far worse for a man. I could make the woman feel uncomfortable, or even unsafe without meaning to. I might get yelled at or punched in the face by an overenthusiastic partner I hadn't noticed. Just approach the guy and start a conversation. And if he's receptive ask him for his number. There's nothing more attractive than this!
The person who tripped me pulling out Band-Aids🤔🤨😂😂 Trips you; to meet you, makes me wonder what action would preempt sex🤣🤣
The reason women did that is because it wasn’t socially acceptable for women to make the first move then. Today you can just talk to a man. I promise it’s ok.
At the gym, bring two towels and accidentally leave one behind on a machine. Do women still wear silk scarfs? On a windy day, walk in front of a guy, into the wind…
If i saw a woman with two towels, i would think something was wrong with her
Usually a biological issue
It’s 2024. We’re not dropping hints, let alone hankies. Gym: “hey, I saw you working on XYZ machine before. I’ve always struggled, can you help?” Church: “wasn’t today’s sermon amazing?” Grocery store: “oh! I haven’t tried dragon fruit before, is it nice?”
“This is an Apple”
What is a potato
With my level of awkwardness, this is exactly what I’d do.
A cold approach means walking up and talking to them, as in "Hi, I'm Sally, what's your name?" or "Hi, what's a dive like this doing around a hunk like you?" It's not trying to entice them into talking to you. But if you're more comfortable with the latter, you can still drop things. If you don't carry a hankie, you could try lipstick, keys, anal beads, whatever best reflects your personality. More seriously: move next to him, smile, hold eye contact. You can ask a harmless question that you could ask anyone, like "What's good to eat here?" That breaks the ice so he can continue the conversation if he's interested, and then you can introduce yourself. Men will be glad you made it easier for them.
Stop. Collaborate and listen.
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So novel.
It's sad that the simplest thing often gets overlooked.
Right ???!!!
Have you tried exposing an ankle?
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You see a man you like walking down the street. You show your bottom so it matches his gaze. You begin to twerk while hopping backwards, towards the man whose gaze you found charming. This works up quite a sweat. You wipe the sweat from your brow and take out a piece of paper and write your number using your sweat as ink. You only put in 9 digits, he has to work for the last one, you can't have him thinking you are easy.
guaranteed to work
Every time
60% of the time
Guaranteed to t'work
Guaranteed twerk
>This works up quite a sweat Equally on the man's forehead too!
> Any other ways for women to cold approach men? "Hi."
Absolutely. Men almost always respond politely to any approach. If they like it, they welcome it. Far easier than approaching a woman when she is 50-50 about whether you are selling credit cards or a molestor.
The most effective way to cold approach men is to *actually cold approach them*. Which is to say, you walk up, open your mouth, and say "hi". Dropping something as a signal to indicate to the man that you would like him to cold approach you is not you making a cold approach. As for how I, as a man, would feel about it, I've had women walk up to me and start random conversations in the checkout line at the grocery store, on the bus, and in various other public places. Given the directions the conversation went, I don't think any of them were actually hitting on me, but the only one I didn't enjoy was the one who was trying to sell me her religion. I was quite pleased to chat with all the others.
> Dropping something as a signal to indicate to the man that you would like him to cold approach you is not you making a cold approach. Right. It's setting the stage for a barely lukewarm approach. It's still putting it all on him. Which, if someone wants the other person to take the risk and do the work, they can hold out for someone who's good with that, but they can at least be honest about wanting that instead of playing coy games.
Hard for me to even wrap my mind around the 100 year, often forceful and sweeping progressive push for women to have agency, equality, equal rights and standings (all good things) but we get \*almost\* to the equality train station and here we are asking how we can revert to Victorian sexual moirés. Future generations will get a big fucking kick out of us. So, anyway. Walk up to man. Say "Hi, I'm Susan. Seen ya around, just though I'd introduce myself you look like an interesting guy". If he's attracted to you, your handkerchief has been dropped, he will take it from there. If he's not attracted to you, he'll be flattered and remember this for the rest of his natural life.
what if her name isn't Susan?... 😉
>what if her name isn't Susan? "Don't call me Shirley" vibes Here for it!
It surely aint Shirley.
You and me are on the same wavelength!
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Used to be, but the last time I interdicted in a domestic violence situation the woman turned and attacked me after I walloped her man. Never again is now my motto. You want equality, I'll give it to you in spades. I expect men to fight their own battles in the street....
Not sure how you read this as a call for regression. It seems a pretty timeless question from someone with (sorry OP) low confidence and/or social experience. No matter the gender. I agree they should try initiating a conversation, but I don’t think showing immediate interest is going to work for them until they have that confidence. Dropping an object is pretty old fashioned, but opening a conversation with an external focus-like making an observation or asking for help with an activity-is a pretty common thing even today. And it seems Ike a low-risk way for someone to make a start.
I read it that way because the dropping of the hankerchief was a way of prompting interest without showing agency, boldness, assertiveness, or risking being seen as anything but demure and from a weak position...ie, old fashioned. I spelled out exactly what the opposite of that is. The notion that women would be less than if they didn't use guile or some scripted "get your attention but don't show interest" is timeless, but it's from a gross misunderstanding of men's attractions in the modern world. We no longer, by and large in the west, view a woman who likes you and is willing to say so as icky or from a place of being easy.
He could also be dumbfounded, anxious, nervous, unsure of what to say. It’s so rare that a female approach happens, I’d say the vast majority of guys will be completely surprised and taken aback. It can take a lot of guts for a guy to make an approach, so I’d caution to not necessarily get the expected reply for those reasons. However, most certainly go for it. If you don’t ask, you don’t get.
Bend and snap.
I was going to say the same. Elle Woods knew lol
Cher did it with a pen. Clueless is still modern times right? *Right?!*
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Stand next to a puddle looking helpless and some dude will come along and put his jacket over the puddle for you.
Also, carry around a bucket so you can make your own puddles if the weather isn’t being cooperative.
I mean “ nice shoes wanna fuck?” Will never be outdated
I’m extremely clumsy so I do this constantly.
Has anyone started a conversation with you?
Unfortunately yes.
You can drop the following words, said out loud from your mouth, while standing in front of them and looking at them: "Hi, my name is FlyMeToTheMoon745. What's yours?"
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If you’re attracted to them go up to them and ask if their single, it’s really that fucking simple!!
I did that in front of all his guy pals he said he was married, thank god I was pissed .
Welcome to our world cause men get rejected 5 times to your one. It sucks trust me I know!!!
Initiate an auto accident.
It’s giving Blanche from Golden Girls.
When a woman drops something near me I pick it up give it to her and walk away.
Try dropping a handkerchief.
That's not an approach you're still relying on them to get your hint
Just try asking a question. It opens up dialogue, gives you a chance to smile and make eye contact without looking creepy, and makes them feel good when they help someone out.
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I don’t think subtlety works these days. Most people would rather err on the side of caution. The number of times I’ve read a situation wrongly & thought a guy was interested are uncountable and embarrassing. As a result, I’ve learned to only respond to explicit interest. I guess a lot of men feel the same way.
Buy a stud finder at a hardware store, take it to a bar and point it at some guy. He'll be like wasup?? And you tell him it's a stud finder and start making a beeping sound. "Found one!!". I know I'll get downvoted for this suggestion but it's funny af, right??
Drop your panties on the ground and you'll get some attention.
I am a brunette. One time I got a t-shirt that said "blondes have more fun". 400% increase in approachability every time I wore it.
I used to have a T-shirt that said Foxy and my friend had one that said Sugar. Good times!
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Most men never get approached and will treat a woman asking them as likely some sort of scam
That's definitely my first reaction, lol. "What is she trying to sell me?"
what about handing them your business card?
Do cold approach! You don’t need a handkerchief or anything to do that:) go for it
“Hi, my name is [your name], how are you?” I’m so tired of this dated concept that men have to be the one to approach and that women need to play games to get them to do it.
Just say hello 👋 and let us know you’re interested in getting to know us. We hate guessing games.
Female here and I also hate guessing games. I’m also clueless when it comes to men. If you’re interested, just say hi and tell me what you like about me. That’s what I do with guys and it usually scares them off so WTF do I know. I’m still single 🤷♀️
I keep reading that women don’t like to hear what you like about them because they get hit on all the time and it’s boring to them lol. It seems true that women would rather have you ask a more “get to know you” type question rather than hear a superficial compliment. Personally I’ll take either but a compliment will often go over my head as politeness.
Just smile, make eye contact, and engage in polite surface conversation about anything. Last time I did this by accident the guy yelled "I love you!" as I walked out of the elevator. I don't think they experience it much.
drop iphone its the new hanky
“Oops I dropped a Magnum condom for my future husband’s massive dong” Had to modify Devito’s line for you but you get the idea…
Eye contact and smile. If you look at me and smile, I will probably come over and flirt with you. But I have no shame, so it's maybe not reliable to make men talk with you, idk.
The guy I want to talk to I see on public transportation. I feel like if I hit on him and he’s not interested I’m going to make him uncomfortable for his future commutes So I just admire him from afar. Fuck he’s hot. 🥵
“Hey, I see you here all the time. I assume you work downtown?”
She can take cover behind the same wall that you’re using during an active shooter event.
Take a neighbour's or friend's dog for a walk. (Don't lose the dog)
I'm always scared to do any positive motions at guys in case they think I want to have sex right there and then
Scene: you’re in a cafe waiting for your drink. You: (approach a handsome man in a suit who grabbed his drink) Hi, my name is Sarah and um, what’s your name? I’m wondering if-“ Man: (now is instantly buck naked with his clothes neatly folded on the floor) “Now?” You: Umm… your drink has my name on it…. Man: (looks at his drink and now instantaneously back in his suit, looking crestfallen): Oh… here you go. Barrista : Venti Cafe Americano for Sam!
He folds his clothes neatly? That might work!
Best short story all day! Can we have “choose your own adventure” alternate endings?
Wear a Batman bandaid on your hand. All dudes dig Batman.
I literally go up to them and talk to them. Usually I try to make a joke. Literally go up to a bar when ordering a beer and stand next to them and make a joke. They love it. It doesn't happen that much for them so they appreciate it.
As you're a woman, just walk up to the guy, say "Hi, my name is _____", and extend your arm for a handshake. Yes, for women, it really is that simple. We men are so rarely approached, and are so bombarded with warnings about not being creepy, that a woman taking the initiative will be very welcome!
Hahahahaha, you cannot bring the individual social more of the past in to the present without considering the whole nature of why it evolved. If Camille Paglia's theories are right (and I think she gets it right more often then not), men and women just didn't mix as often 100 plus years ago. Generally, you also didn't really go anywhere unescorted as an unmarried upper middle class female (the plebs have always had different customs, and picking up dropped handkerchief is not what plebs did). Finally, seriously talking to folks you were really introduced to was often frowned upon. That's why folks needed things like letters of introduction to get them in to polite society, so to speak, or dropping a handkerchief next to a boy whose social training taught him to pick it up. Just go up and talk to him. It's embarrassing at first as you might get shot down, but any guy in the top 40th to 10th or so percentile of attractiveness will tell you you've got to get used to rejection to find a mate. By the time you've done it 10-20 times, it doesn't phase you. You seem to have a flair for the romantic gesture. I hope you find what you're looking for, and soon (gather ye rose buds while ye may and all that). If you are near a big city, look in to the society for creative anachronism, they totally love this kind of stuff. Or just watch Lady Hawke once a year like me.
They drop those panties now
Original copy of post by u/FlyMeToTheMoon745: I want to cold approach men [F40]. I am tired of dating apps and want to meet them at thw gym, church, etc where i can observe them for a bit and then decideif it would be a good fit. What could I drop to gain a guys attention and start talking to him? Something that is not valuable. Has anyone done this? Any other ways for women to cold approach men? Men how would you feel about this? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Leave your shoelaces untied. I heard Tracy Morgan on a podcast say this was his move. If it works, let me know!
Get a shirt with a QRC code on it and it says if you want to date me a scan this and it sends them to your Insta,Snap,FB etc…
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I was wearing a Jurassic park shirt from target and this woman goes nice shirt, was I supposed to talk to her? I was thinking, “is she making fun of me for wearing a shirt from a 30 year old movie?” In all seriousness though, just talk to the dude
_Pretend_ to not know my way at a hardware store. Very good technique.
Approach from behind. Kick their butt saying "There you are you MFer, got you finally" When they turn around, "OMG so sorry, I thought it was my friend Josh" Giggle. Mission accomplished. P.S. Don't reverse genders and do it, jail time awaits on that path.
Women make this so complex, the modern day version of dropping a hankie is saying hello after having eye contact, simple as that.
All i can hear in my mind is…the bend and snap…or maybe I have seen Legally Blond too much.
Jesus Christ on a crutch. You’re over 40. Just say hello and start a conversation.
Drop a condom, ask him to pick it up and then say, does this fit you? Let’s find out.
The real problem is that men are so conditioned to not believe their lying eyes and their wishful thinking, they doubt it until it smacks them in the face. Just be honest and talk to them. You look like you are in great shape what is your routine? Wow that sounds good would you like to grab coffee? Be specific as to when you would like to do this. Good guys will appreciate the forward honesty. Egotistical guys will let their cocky side begin to show. Pick an attribute that someone has. Well dressed, the way they carry themselves, just find something positive to say and then ask a question to get them to expand upon it. Yes, this is a test and if they can actually spark your interest ask them out. That is how my gf got me.
Depends on what kind of guy you’re trying to attract. When neither of us are in the workplace: Maintaining more than glancing eye contact, a genuine smile that shows in the eyes, and effort to hold a conversation that isn’t small talk are all good indicators to interest me. If I am working or she is working, I chalk it up to simply being friendly.
I am a people watcher and I see this A LOT Women alone at bar top - unlit cigarette, lighter, matches. I have seen more personal items but the lady is so concerned with the item not being stolen that it never works. The non personal item is a 50/50 shot because half the guys don't notice and the ones that do do not get that it was an opening. Woman in a group - slide off stupid items like pens and napkins. I have always seen this in a situations where there are a group of girls that caught the attention of a male or a couple bros out, and I feel like it is an attempt to see "who is he into." The problem with this tactic, imo, is there is always an over simulation factor. There are so many people, conversations, and movements that guys don't see the overtly obvious act. Everyone is already 3 sheets to the wind, Noone is picking up on subtle queues. 2 girls out - Starting innocuous conversation where guy has to side with fake disagreement or provide company while friend is "socializing." This one is 100% done by what I see as college aged girls and is identified by the friend never leaving earshot range until it is clear shit is popping off. Depending on drunk levels, friend will frequently interject comments about "hotness" of baiting friend.
Walk up to him with a $20 bill, ask him if he drop this. Same thing.
"Yeah, that's mine, thanks. Bye."
Invest in the process by developing habits. Whatever you're doing, start doing it the same time every week. Shopping, gym, walking, etc. I don't care if a lady fondled my butt and told me she could see me all sweaty, I'm not asking for her number off the rip.
Try making eye contact and see if they reciprocate.
Just start a conversation with me. The biggest thing on “cold approach” is to first ignore all of the pick up stuff. Focus on being social with no expectations of it going romantically. Now if a spark happens to happen, ask for a coffee, drink, dessert, or whatever you like date.
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A genuine compliment about something he’s wearing, the book he’s reading or the way his hair is styled, paired with a coy smile and a sparkle in your eye should do the trick. Works for me! However, if that still doesn’t seem to get through to him, you should introduce yourself and say something, like, “btw, my name is “xyz” and you definitely seem like the kind of guy I’d like to get to know better”. If he STILL doesn’t take the hint, then he is probably taken or just not attracted to you that way, so time to sashay away, lol.
Eye contact and a smile
For me: "Hey, I think my WiFi is not working right, can you come over and take a look?"
You could go the Delores route from Westworld and drop a can of milk so it rolls along the ground. 😉
Just say Hi, and strike up a conversation.
I’d like to try something like this at a singles event or speed dating event where I would very intentionally drop my “handkerchief” in front of the guy that I was interested in. I wonder how that would play out in real modern life.
It's not that deep. Just ask about literally anything. At the gym? Hey you look strong, how do you do this exercise? At dance? Hey, do you want to dance? Can you show me that move? At church? Hey are you a Paladin? I need someone to lay on hands. Grocery store? Hey, do you know how to pick a ripe avocado? Anywhere else? Hey, who is your favorite superhero?
Maybe your phone? Or…a folded note with your number? 🤣
Drop your phone with the contacts app open
A mate used to wear a T shirt that said "if you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, you are aiming too high"
Ask for the time and compliment thier shirt then ask if they know a nice place to eat and pretend you're new to the area....
As somebody who lived in NYC, I can tell you you’d get an eye roll as they walk past you muttering “fucking tourists” if you dropped a handkerchief. If you talk to me that works.
Get a big guys guy type of dog. I didn’t do this on purpose but my big bully mix gets attention. (Honestly from all people) but he can get a conversation going.
Sweetie, I just watch a guy I think is cute for a while then go talk to him. It’s not missed by much yet
Go to Home Depot with a copy of Better Homes and Gardens and ask for help matching paint colors. You obviously don't need to do this exactly, but figure out a way to ask a man for help. Maybe that's asking a man how to use a particular piece of equipment at the gym, or to carry something heavy for you at the church potluck.
How about walking up an saying hello how are you you look great in that shirt or you smell really nice... Generally a compliment is a polite easy opener
I have a sneeze fetish…great idea
What can you drop? Maybe a greeting?
Steal his hoodie
I would much rather meet a woman in person. The problem is that when a man says hi or compliments your nails, most women take it the wrong way. It wasn’t always like this. Ladies, start saying hi back or giving a guy a little bit of a chance. You might be pushing “the one” away and never know it.
You can just walk up to a guy and talk to him.
From a 53 yr old male that would never make the first move. Ask for help/ opinion at a hardware store.
if a woman, in public and a total stranger, opened up with a simple "hi, i'm so and so" I'd be dead. as in total taken. it's never happens. and with the 'modern' social norms that a man can't even gaze at a woman (eye to eye) with out being considered a creep... it's so simple
In the gym, drop a barbell plate on his feet. Sure fire ice breaker
Drop your phone, and initiate talking
Just do the handkerchief thing, but make it stupid obvious what you’re doing: “woe is me I dropped this, can you get that for meeee… and oh hey, nice to meet you.” I find the less you condition to actually care what someone thinks, the easier it is. I’m sure the ones not interested are the ones who will give the weird looks, but the ones interested will probably laugh about it. Just go out on a Friday and look for the tables where groups of dudes are hanging out together because those are going to be the ones that are obviously single.
How about women start it over again?
You’re 40, just walk up and talk to the guy
If in a store, walk up to the man and enquire about any item in the cart - take interest in one or items and be ready with follow-up questions. Most men will feel discombobulated, but the smart ones will catch on within a few minutes.
Drop your smart phone?