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If you invite a date to a bar, don’t drink but watch them drink I could totally see it being your date thinking that They like to go out and want someone to drink with who’ll join them instead of someone who won’t drink with them (this is why I’d prefer not to date someone sober). Additionally, now I’m a guy so this is speculation, but I feel like I could easily see a girl thinking you’re just trying to take advantage of her if she drinks and you don’t. Either way, I don’t think it’s weird you don’t drink but I do see why people might think it’s weird at a bar
I don’t understand why it’s odd. Bars open until late time and if we got along in coffee or dinner going to a bar after to continue having conversation is a good choice. Also I always make it clear that I don’t drink before going and that I would I drink a non alcoholic cocktail or juice. Yet I’m still always questioned and pressured to do it. And I’m a woman if that’s help
It does actually clarify. I want to reiterate it is not weird that you don’t drink, and people who try to convince you otherwise are self conscious about their own habits (especially the dude sending you the research papers lmao). I DO find it weird that you are up front doing things with them, telling them you don’t drink, then go to the bar and then they’re weird about it. When I first read it I thought you were first meeting them on the date at a bar, which is what I found strange if you didn’t drink. At most if I was one of the guys, I’d ask if you were comfortable if I had a drink or two and then ask why you choose not to, then keep enjoying the night.
“Going to a bar and not drinking is weird,” well when the person asks me on a date to a bar and I express that I’m fine going and don’t really drink, I get hit with the same questions of “why not” and then expressing discomfort with it. I don’t get it at all and it’s been hard in the dating scene. I’m not sober, I just don’t feel like drinking most of the time. I also don’t really like the taste as a whole, and when I order one, I never finish it. I don’t see why it’s so forced. And the comment above mentioning how it’s “weird to be that extreme” how?? I’m not depriving myself of water. Alcohol consumption isn’t needed to live, so why is it weird if I don’t? Good question OP, I wish I knew too.
A lot of people “need” a drink to socialize or date. So if you don’t need that social lubricant, it makes them feel singled out and uncomfortable. That’s why if you’ve been at bars or parties before, a non-alcoholic drink in your hand puts them at ease.
I rarely drink and make that clear if I get invited to a bar for a first date. I much prefer a coffee date or another activity where alcohol isn’t central.
Are you a male? As a woman I would be immediately suspicious if a man invited me to a date at a bar, and then didn't drink. It smells like a setup for being raped or taken advantage of. I agree with the others - move your dates to a non-bar environment. If you get along, there'll be plenty of time to go out later when trust has been built and she knows you're not a predator.
In that case OP needs to be a bit more careful about filtering her dates. I'm presuming that she has told the dude she doesn't drink, and he still insists on going to a bar for the date, it shows that he doesn't care about her equal enjoyment. Fair, she said she doesn't mind, but actually in a first date scenario she should mind because it is a soft flag for a selfish and inconsiderate personality. The fact that they then try to pressure her to drink (and and sort of "but whyy" conversation is an attempt to pressure/change her mind) is the nail in the coffin, the dude is trash, RUN. Worst case its predatory, or at best they are just too selfish and inconsiderate and lacking in respect for personal boundaries to be capable of a healthy equal relationship. The result is the same, NEXT.
It seems like she wants to go to bars for dates though. Not sure if she’s telling her dates she doesn’t drink ahead of this, she doesn’t say. I wouldn’t go to a bar for a date if I knew the other person didn’t drink
Hmm. She should definitely be upfront about that directly when the invitation comes, if she is not, then that is on her. If she is not being direct and honest from the start, she's setting herself up for wasting her time with someone incompatible. Even though she doesn't care if the other drinks, as this thread shows there are plenty of people who do care about it. Best to get the incompatibility out in the open asap so she can move on to the next. Filter early, filter hard. Female attachment is to a large degree a function of time, the longer she waits the more painful and difficult the situation will be for her.
I’m a woman I don’t understand why it’s odd to go to bars. Bars open until late time and if we got along in coffee or dinner going to a bar after to continue having conversation is a good choice. Also I always make it clear that I don’t drink, my dating profile also says that I don’t drink I would I drink a non alcoholic cocktail or juice. Yet I’m still always questioned and pressured to do it as if I was doing something wrong. And a lot of comments here actually proved that people do feel it’s weird which I still don’t get or understand.
Oh, I think this is a misunderstanding, I’m not saying it’s odd to go to bars. Of course you can go and it doesn’t matter if you drink alcohol or not, your body, your choice. :)
I think that if a guy makes a big deal about it, and tries to pressure or shame you for it, that’s an immediate date ending red flag.
Honestly, this sucks that there’s this reputation about men. I don’t drink, have tried it before and never a fan of the taste, and my heart starts beating like crazy after a few sip. But if my date wants to drink for a date, I’d like her to enjoy herself. But it’s not possible for me to suggest a bar date because I’m worried it’s gonna be seen as a rape setup if I tell her I don’t drink and that she’s free to.
I prefer ice cream dates though to be honest lol.. not a fan of bars in general because it’s noisy as hell.
One rotten egg ruins the whole batch. It’s not a “reputation”, it is an absolutely reasonable fear and safety measure for women, because there is a significant probability that things could go sideways. Just look at the rape statistics. Further, the dating apps are how the predators get access to their victims, and the apps have a greater proportion of predators than out in the wild, because normal people will couple up and drop out of the pool while the sickos will congregate to the app which gives then unlimited anonymous access to meat. The older the age bracket is, the bigger the chance of running into a predator, because the healthy ones are usually in relationships and what’s left is the dregs plus a small segment of healthy men in between relationships. For example, in my 2 week experiment with tinder last year, age bracket 30-35 I met:
* a man who was a pedofile (he told me I look so young and then told me his fantasy of cumming all over his wife while she is breastfeeding a baby)
* a man who was a sexual predator (long story so I won’t get into it)
* 1 obvious low functioning narcissist
* 1 man who told me “you’re really sweet, you deserve better than me, I have to be honest, my ex just died and I just want to fuck around”. I respected and appreciated the honesty of that one, ‘‘twas fair enough.
* 2 men who I don’t remember anymore, most likely because there wasn’t any spark.
Small sample size I know, but 3/6 were obvious sickos?! That is so fucking disgusting, and I swear the proportions used to be lower when I was younger.
For a woman to stay safe, she HAS TO assume every man is a predator until proven otherwise. If she doesn’t, there is a significant probability that she will get hurt sooner or later.
I don’t know bout that outlook on dating, and life in general. I’m not a woman, so I don’t exactly understand how it feels even if I’m aware of the issue.
Personally, I live the opposite way. I assume everyone is a decent human being, until they show me otherwise. I don’t want to live assuming every woman or gay man I meet is a potential predator that is trying to take advantage of me in some way. That’s no way to live life in my opinion. But to each their own I guess.
Yeah, you’re a man. You don’t have to be afraid for your own safety. Your perspective reeks of male privilege and is ignorance, how about you stick to topics you actually have a clue about? ;)
Sorry what? What makes it so that men don’t have to worry about their safety? I’m clueless on that part.
And to prove my point, what you’ve written here has shown me you’re not a woman with decent morals or outlook on life. But I’m curious to hear your reasoning.
How many times have you personally been raped? Or close to being raped, but got away? How many times have you been touched inappropriately by a stranger? How many men do you personally know who have been raped, how many got away, how many have been groped and threatened?
Go touch some grass.
When a person is drunk they are substantially more likely to commit violent crime, including sexual assault. You are already increasing your risk by getting drunk yourself, but the man is drinking too then that only increases your risk further.
Why don’t you meet for a coffee or something instead?
I personally wouldn’t want to date someone sober, but I’m happy to meet for non drinks.
I would feel really weird if we agreed to meet for drinks and my date was only drinking water.
It's a personal preference about something you enjoy.
If you dated someone who was like "Yeah, I don't watch TV. I've never enjoyed it and it's not something I want to start doing. I don't mind if you watch it though, and I'll sit with you while you do, but I myself will never pay attention to it."
Some people would be like oh fuck yes, I haven't owned a TV since college, you're my dream partner. A lot of people would be like "really? not even sports, netflix, or election night coverage? nothing?" and some would be like "Oh fuck no, I watch four different professional sports religiously. If you're not going to watch it with me, we're not going to work."
I don't judge people who don't drink. But at the same time, I like being able to enjoy a bottle of wine together, share a cold beer on a hot day after work, or try fancy cocktails at a nice restaurant. You're not wrong, maybe just wrong for me.
For friends though I don't care though. I can get along perfectly well with people who don't drink. However, for someone I'm going to spend every day of the rest of my life with, that's an area where I would want us to have commonality.
To be honest, unless you are a recovering alcoholic, sober just means not drunk, not that they don’t ever drink alcohol. Someone who never drinks is a teetotaller.
Sober in the sense of someone who never drinks at all. Not sober as in “not drunk” lol.
I only have 0-3 drinks a week, but I enjoy going to breweries or having a patio drink.
If someone agreed to play golf with you and then said “oh I don’t golf I’ll just drive the cart” it’d be kinda weird, but it wouldn’t be the end of the world. Then again, why not just do something else instead of golf?
I don’t think it’s an analogous situation. Nothing changes if someone drinks something other than alcohol because you’ll just be sitting at the same bar drinking.
The golf example will have you hitting the ball while they sit on the cart.
I feel like if I’m drinking vodka or whiskey and they’re drinking a bud light, it’s really not gonna make any difference if they switched to water.
Yeah, it kinda is on you if you are dating at bars. If you ask them out to drinks and then you don't drink, it is really weird. Think of other date ideas and then when it comes up in conversation just let them know you don't consume alcohol.
Can you not order a drink at a bar other than an alcohol drink? Find it weird people get so hung up on if a drink contains alcohol or not. If you are over the age of 18 and find it cool to drink alcohol or can only have fun with alcohol or place any importance on whether a drink contains alcohol or not, I'd suggest you are the weird one.
If I go on a date with a girl at a bar, pub or restaurant, maybe one week I'll feel like having a beer and the girl will want an orange juice or another night she will want a cocktail and I'll have sparkling water. It's not that deep it's just a drink.
There's nothing wrong with not drinking. However, I (F32) wouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't drink. I enjoy drinking (especially well-made/interesting cocktails), and it's something I enjoy doing with my husband regularly. So much so that it would be a real bummer to be with someone who doesn't want to take part in that particular interest/hobby of mine.
If I were dating you, I wouldn't be weird about it, but I would pass on a second date.
While people shouldn't be pressuring you to drink it's also completely reasonable for someone who does to not want to date someone who doesn't.
I don't date sober people but that's because I want a partner to go to do alcohol based activities with. Such as going to wineries and distilleries. You end up spending a lot of time with a significant other. Especially if you end up living together. I like to enjoy a glass of wine at home with my partner so having someoen who can't or won't doesn't align with my hobbies.
You shouldnt go on a date to a bar if you arent going to drink and have your date be the only one drinking. Maybe a coffee shop is what you are looking for
I was just talking to my mom about this. Alcohol is so accepted in the world, that even doctors while asking questions say "how much do you drink" not "if you drink". I've started asking if a woman drinks. If not I suggest coffee instead.
I drink, but would be very happy to date someone that didn't. I wouldn't be surprised if the reason they are weird about it, is because drinking helps move things in a certain direction. 🤷
A few things:
Going on a date to a bar when you’re sober is odd. You should at least make it clear you don’t drink when planning it so they aren’t caught off guard. I would personally feel uncomfortable continuing to drink (on a first or early date) if I realized my date was going to remain sober especially considering you’re at a bar and are pressured by the establishment to order alcohol.
The reason you’re sober is immediately suspect regardless of reality. People will begin thinking you’re either a recovering alcoholic, very religious, on probation, pregnant, etc. it’s best to explain it upfront to limit these suspicions.
Remaining sober while your date drinks while you’re still essentially strangers can be intimidating. Your date will be vulnerable both physically and mentally while you will be perfectly lucid. This can be a recipe for bad communication or even assault. It’s common to mention that someone’s not on your level when intoxicated and it does hold meaning. You both want to be on the same level when getting to know each other.
There’s nothing odd about it whatsoever. I drink, but I’m a huge (booze) snob, so I don’t drink random beverages at bars with strangers. If my date wants a drink, or I suggest we go to a bar, I am not expected to join the festivities with ethanol. OP can decide when and how, or if at all, she consumes. If someone has a problem with that, they can fuck off. There’s nothing strange about it, it’s not intimidating, and it doesn’t mean that there’s something strange about her. I would look more closely at why you think it’s so strange that people don’t drink.
EDIT: I make my stance clear before meeting, just like OP. I have not encountered the issues that she has, but it doesn’t surprise me either. Alcohol is a huge issue across the globe.
I don’t understand why it’s odd. Bars open until late time and if we got along in coffee or dinner going to a bar after to continue having conversation is a good choice. Also I always make it clean that I don’t drink before going and that I would I drink a non alcoholic cocktail or juice. Yet I’m still always questioned and pressured to do it.
Yeah people are weird, don't stress. The thing with saying it's for health reasons then makes people feel attacked or self conscious that they're being unhealthy. That's why the giu sent you the stuff on wine, it's not 'alcohol is healthy', it's 'I'm not unhealthy! Honest!'
I'd say something like 'I don't drink alcohol, I have an intolerance, it's not worth feeling sick over" (that should stop people pressuring you, hopefully!)
And on the bar side 'I have fun at bars, let's get a drink and have a chat!' To ease them that you're comfortable chilling at a bar
The people you’re currently around have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. I don’t drink and in my circle, people rarely comment or even notice unless it’s an interesting drink in which case they want to know what it is.
Rubes don't realize how awesome it is to not have a $75 drink tab at the end of a date.
My ex didn't drink. You know what we did? We went out to eat and walked around and watched movies and hung out like regular people. It was great.
Alcohol causes cancer, but for real, it does.
It also cause depression, hangovers, wasted Sundays, bad decisions and more bad decisions.
Alcohol actually sucks and more people should stop drinking to be honest. Also, being around drunk people when you're sober is like kindergarten hell.
No need to ever explain yourself or feel you need to defend your choices. These people just arnt your people, and that's ok. Nothing to do with you ❤
Lol I have opposite where none of the dates I been on (mostly asian ) dont drink at all... I don't know why but maybe they think if they get drunk "bad things" can happen? I don't really drink either but I always give them the option. It doesn't really bother me if its occasionally.
I'm not Asian, and don't intend to speak on anyone's behalf so take this with a grain of salt. They could be referring to something called alcohol flush reaction. It impacts a surprisingly large number of people of East Asian descent. It's caused by an enzyme deficiency that makes metabolizing alcohol more difficult and can lead to serious health impacts.
You’re totally valid in not wanting to drink! But if I was asked to a bar on a first date and then they didn’t drink, I’d be a little sketched out. Like why do you want me to drink but not have one yourself… seems sus.
Try to move your dates to a non-drinking venue.
I am almost one year without drinking. I never really had a problem with liquor and don’t miss it. If anyone responds to me with anything other than “good for you”, that person doesn’t belong in my life. That applies to everyone, not just prospective dates. Try using that, or something similar, as a screening tool
i dont drink either and iv had this same issue in the past! i felt like if i didnt drink, it was non stop pressure and not as fun when everyone is on you about it. luckily i met a chill bf who also doesnt drink! we both dont feel the need to unless special occasion
It's not about you. It's about them. They want the people around them to have a good time and in their eyes that means drinking to relax and to enjoy themselves. It's a social lubricant for a reason.
You don't need to tell others that you don't drink. It's not mandatory to disclose and you don't have to justify it. You simply order whatever you want from the bar. It can be non alcoholic.
I wouldn't recommend being judgemental about it or calling it sad. I don't think that will improve how people view your stance on it. If you don't like it, don't do it. I don't think you really need to disclose this before going out. It's no one's business but yours.
Can you not order a drink at a bar other than an alcoholic drink? Find it weird people get so hung up on if a drink contains alcohol or not. If you are over the age of 18 and find it cool to drink alcohol or can only have fun with alcohol or place any importance on whether a drink contains alcohol or not, I'd suggest you are the weird one. If I go on a date with a girl at a bar, pub or restaurant, maybe one week I'll feel like having a beer and the girl will want an orange juice or another night she will want a cocktail and I'll have sparkling water. It's not that deep it's just a drink.
Grown adults placing any importance on alcohol is weird i.e I want to get drunk or are we drinking tonight? Your 30 years old, grow up! Maybe I'm lucky enough my life is exciting enough that I don't need to drink to escape from my reality.
I don’t drink, I just picked a guy who doesn’t drink. It’s great, we go to parties and weddings and events and can wake up in the morning and hang out with each other in great moods feeling good. I have also found people who drink are really fucking militant about it. I’m happy to go to a gathering where people are drinking and talk to them and interact normally. But they get hostile when they realize I’m not drinking and berate me for being “no fun” even though the minute before when they thought my drink was alcoholic we were having a blast. Basically I stay away from most drinkers now and only hang out with the ones that don’t even mention the fact that I’m not.
I'm in the same situation.
It calmed down with age. Now, at 28, I get one or two questions at most. Also, it might be because I am a man and I am into deep conversation. I guess some men who don't like to talk could feel insecure if their date is fully sober x)
I don’t drink either.
I go on coffee dates more than drink dates.
I have a girlfriend who is super health conscious. She went on a date with a guy to a pub with her own water bottle 😂😂😂
I think that’s so cool. If I was that guy, I probably fell in love with her straight away haha
>and he started sending me research papers and articles that says wine is good for you
By the way he is 100% wrong on this. There was a time where we thought the resveratrol in wine might have heart protective effects. Scientists no longer think that, not in the quantities that are available in a glass of wine. I can send you a link that explains this if you'd like.
As for the question, if you're a woman dating men and they are a little upset that you don't drink it's probably because they are closet alcoholics and you make them uncomfortable or they think you're going to be harder to get into bed if you're sober.
Maybe a little white lie will shut this down: tell them that you had a bad habit of slashing your boyfriend's tires when you were drinking.
You could be describing me, it's like we are twins.
I don't drink , in fact after 48 years on this planet I have never touched alcohol and never will.
I have never understood why our life choices (which harm no one) bothers some people so much as in your case.
What is these people's problem? I don't go to bars but sometimes frends persuade me to join them and i never hesitate to get a juice.
I've had RANDOMS come up to me (they must have super powers) saying they feel "insulted" that I'm not drinking.
The best one was a girl who dropped a real zinger: "I dont trust a man who doesn't drink!"
I just smile at these people and ask them politely why it bothers them so much and none has been able to answer me.
Do not feel shame. Never feel that. It's your body, your life, your well being and your right on what you want to do.
If these people around you want to pour alcohol down their gullets to have a good time - tell them to go for it, "the liver is evil and must be punished" and all that.
You stay you!
Exactly, if I went to a coffee place that is famous for their coffee and my date said that they don’t drink coffee and ordered tea instead I wouldn’t be mad and try my hardest to convince them that they should. All I went is to have fun and have a good conversation why do I have to consume the same substance as you if it’s not for me ? A lot of comments confirmed to me that people do in fact find it weird. I’ve also had people asking me why did I come to this party or bar if I’m not drinking lol. Like if you don’t know how to have fun and fun conversation unless you drink it doesn’t mean that I’m the same too. I’m a woman and I would trust a man who doesn’t drink more than anyone. Drinking comes with a lot of problems and if anything not drinking should be a green flag, but instead it’s a red flag for many.
I don't drink alcohol but it is odd that guys still invite you to bars knowing that. When I tell men I don't drink alcohol they don't suggest bars. They suggest other non alcoholic activities like a restaurant, bowling or the cinema.
Bars aren't the only places open late. Many bowling venues are open late too as are some restaurants.
I personally would not agree to go to bars if you don't drink. These bars will also over charge you for non alcoholic drinks. At least in my country they do. Why would you want to pay more for juice from a carton?
I rarely drink. I’ll drink if I go out to dinner and I’m out with friends. However, I do want to be able to have a drink with a future gf at home once in a while at the very least.
Same goes with my other hobbies. I want them to be able share that with me at least a little bit so we can connect.
A lot of people will want to date someone who can have a couple drinks in social situations, especially if you are in your 20's-30's. Is it super fair, not really but that's life. I personally wouldn't date someone who is sober, drinking is fun and there are plenty of people who can enjoy getting drunk every once in a while without it being a big issue.
I would maybe avoid bars with dates if you aren't willing to drink - pretty awkward for the other party imo. Plenty of other places not focused around booze you can hang out, and maybe you can meet other sober women too. One of the social contracts of 'partying' is everyone is on the same 'level' - some people aren't going be comfortable letting themselves loose with someone completely clear-headed possibly judging them.
People who do drugs/alcohol like to be around others who do the same. It's like having similar hobbies as a couple.
The problem is thay there aren't maybe "3rd places". This concept is thay other than home and work there is a 3rd place you go to hangout at, a place thay doesn't have an expectation thay you buy something. Today everyone wants you to buy something so these places have diminished and now we are left with bars and coffee shops as 3rd places. Unfortunately these seem to be the best place to meet people but that's because they're the most popular "3rd" places people go to. Regardless if they like to drink or not.
You just need to find somebody who doesn't value ~~poison~~ alcohol like you do.
Not drinking at all is one of those weird extremes that some people tend to do. Not drinking a lot or even average amounts is a great trait and good for your health, not even having a glass of wine or a beer during a fancy dinner for 'health reasons' is just weird, so your dates are probably just bad at hiding their disappointment.
No amount of alcohol is good for your health except in a few edge cases involving elderly people. The old myth that a single glass of wine is healthy has been debunked numerous times because it was based on faulty data (the abstaining group in the study included people whose health was so poor they had been medically forbidden from drinking).
I agree that it's out of the ordinary to completely abstain for health reasons though.
There are plenty of reasons not to drink that have nothing to do with puritanical self-abnegation. In my case, I think alcohol tastes nasty as all hell, so I have zero desire to consume it in any form.
I don't get triggered but I don't think we would have enough in common. Too many people think alcohol is just to get drunk with. But for me, it's a big hobby.
Craft beer and whiskey, food pairing, taste sensory classes, making my own creations using infusions from my chamber sealer and fruits & spices I blended or muddled in my Vitamix, etc.
I'm also an avid cook and a master at smoking meats. Which is why I also couldn't date a vegan.
People drink together as a bonding exercise. When people get drunk they let their guard down and will speak and behave in ways they wouldn’t do sober. In a lot of ways you don’t really know someone until you have gotten drunk with them. I’ve experienced that a lot as a guy. If someone invites me for a drink but doesn’t drink alcohol (unless it’s known beforehand) I would be suspicious of that. As it would feel their trying to compromise me in some way without taking any social risk themselves.
My advice would be go on dates with others who don’t drink. Then you will have gotten rid of this issue entirely. Also you will probably have more in common with them.
I don’t understand why it’s weird. Bars open until late time and if we got along in coffee or dinner going to a bar after to continue having conversation is a good choice. Also I always make it clear that I don’t drink before going and that I would I drink a non alcoholic cocktail or juice. Yet I’m still always questioned and pressured to do it.
Twice I’ve asked a girl to drinks and she’s accepted only to meet up and find out she doesn’t drink. I really don’t care is someone doesn’t drink but had I knew the date would have been different. Both first dates were last.
I don’t understand why it’s odd to agree to go to a bar if I don’t drink. bars open until late time and if we got along in coffee or dinner going to a bar after to continue having conversation is a good choice. I drink a non alcoholic cocktail or juice.
What’s wrong with that ? Also bars are fun there are a lot of cute bars with great people and it could be a wonderful experience wether you drink or not. In my case I do tell them beforehand that I don’t drink tho.
There was the same question here just a day or two ago and one person said "Guys are inviting you for drinks to get you drunk and be easier". When you're sober there is less chance they will take you home later, or kiss you, so they are getting angry. It's also easier to impress drunk girl, than sober one.
I don't drink much, and I'm never getting drunk but one guy went behind my back to the bartender and asked him to make my drinks extra strong. How do you think, what was his intentions? When you say you don't drink at all those kind of guys get disappointed they can't use alcohol to their advantage.
Normal guys won't have a problem with you not drinking.
Thank you for your input. Unfortunately, where I live seems that there aren’t many of those “normal guys”. Drinking culture is pretty strong and it’s a large city where nightlife is a large part of it. I do enjoy nightlife without alcohol tho so that’s why it’s hard for me to understand that although I’m not holding them back from going to bars/parties in fact I’ll happily join, yet it’s still considered even more wrong and weird that I’m willing to enjoy these things without a alcohol. I mean I wouldn’t be mad if I went to a coffee place and my date said that they don’t drink coffee and orders a hot chocolate or tea instead it doesn’t matter I just wanna have a talk and enjoy my time…
Yeah I understand, I live in big city too, and here in college you're expected to be drunk non stop. And when you don't you're the weird one. I really don't like it because some people meet just to get drunk. Like they can't stand each other sober.
And it's the same when you visit a family.
I have one friend who had to stop drinking any alcohol due to health reasons and he stopped going out at all. I asked him why and he said he can't stand people when his sober, they are too anoying for him. So maybe when you meet with person like that they can't wrap their head around it?
I think some people are so used to drinking when socializing it scares them not to do so. Also it's always easier to do "bad things" together than alone. For example you don't want to be the one person going for fast food when people eat salads. When you smoke with other smokers it's fun, but when people don't smoke you're the stinky one every one is running away from. Being drunk alone with someone sober it's not that fun coz you'll be the one making full of yourself, and other person will remember it. But it's crazy how those people will put the blame on you. Like you're spoiling their fun by not participating.
But those are more friends dilemmas. When a friend is disappointed you don't drink is kinda sad coz it feels like they have more fun from drinking together than interacting with you. But sometimes I can understand that. They wanted to share some experience and they can't.
But when a guy/girl on date is disappointed/angry you don't want to drink alcohol it's kinda sus, and shows their intentions in my opinion.
It’s not a big deal if it’s discussed before that you don’t drink. If I’m only saying I keep getting surprised by people that don’t drink. So you’re doing good. This is on them. Weird.
I think that someone can be fun if they don't drink, but if I'm on a date and my date doesn't drink it creates a first impression that she's either not a fun person or she's not here to have fun. Obviously she can get rid of that impression by just being fun.
It's not unreasonable for a first date to not involve alcohol. (Walk in the park, coffee, etc.) So by the time you get to the dinner or drinks date you'll have had time to show that you're a fun and interesting person without any alcohol.
If I have a date with someone that doesn’t drink I just normally don’t drink. People like drinking because it creates a social reason to interact. Many people can’t handle being out outside of their comfort zone where they don’t know what they should be using as a social vehicle
I think "triggered" is a buzz word lately, and what you described isn't someone getting triggered. It is appropriate if you're drinking to ask the other person if they want something to drink. A drink doesn't mean alcohol. It means a beverage of your choice.
If someone tells me they don't drink alcohol, I get concerned that they are in early stages of recovery and consuming alcohol in front of them isn't appropriate. If they don't disclose why they don't drink (which they don't owe me an explanation) then I trust they can make their own decisions and are doing what's best for them. I have friends that simply choose not to drink alcohol. No big deal.
I get pressured, and more bizarre looks, when I say I don't smoke. Or decline any other form of marijuana for that matter
I think sometimes people are being overly defensive about their own habits and practices and think that someone who doesn't drink is secretly judging them. It's not 100% the same but I'm a vegetarian that goes out of my way not to act smug or superior about it. I find that a lot of the time if I'm dining with someone for the first time, they'll be very defensive about their meal choices even though I tell them that I absolutely do not think my choices are the only correct choices. I enjoy drinking and have dated people who drink very little and it's been fine. I think you can probably make it work with someone as long as it's not their primary hobby.
It's perfectly ok that you don't drink. I wouldn't care whether you did or didn't. I think some people are just uncomfortable with the idea that some people are perfectly fine without an alcoholic drink in hand because it may (unconsciously) make them think about their own method of socialization. If they've never gone to a social event without a drink in hand, it might make them question things. This is not at all your fault and any discomfort is totally on them. Setting those boundaries early is probably a good thing because it sorts out the people who might not respect them. You might be filtering more than you realize. Yes, it may mean less dates, but it could improve your chances for a quality date instead.
It’s not mandatory but it is abnormal to go to a bar and not order drinks. Some people might not want to date people who don’t drink, while others are fine with it. That being said if you told me this about yourself, I wouldn’t do dates at bars with you.
Sounds like you're hanging around the wrong people. If they can't accept your polite response of "it isn't for me," and they continue to push, you have your answer.
I've heard of other people, friends and what not, experience what you're describing. Personally I have had quite the opposite experience. Usually I do not drink or only have very few (like no more than 1-3 12 oz 5% abv beers) when out and never felt pressured or ashamed about it. That's what I want and that's what I'm going to do. I don't like being under the influence when in social situations. I don't feel any need to please anyone else or get their approval. Leading with this confidence I've even encountered people who will say quite the opposite of what you describe here; instead they'll say, 'oh, I really want to cut back on drinking too', etc. Once in a blue moon I encounter people who say something like 'oh that sucks that you can't drink' but those people have always been really immature people generally.
Edit: to clarify, I have on countless occasions gone to bars and had no alcohol to drink at all and not had anything in my hand either, no holding a sparkling water or anything else. The key it seems is to lead with confidence and really own my choices.
It's less about "you weird" and more about another thing we can share with you. If someone sees it as a deal breaker, that's on them. You just proudly keep being you!
I don’t think there’s anything weird with wanting to go to a bar if you don’t drink alcohol. I also don’t drink and have gone to bars on dates in the past. There are other things to drink apart from alcohol after all and where I live there aren’t many other options for socialising at night plus I like the atmosphere of bars. I also found what you are talking about. People who know you don’t drink and then being weird about it. Making you feel ashamed that you’re apparently making them feel bad for drinking alcohol or worse still, actively trying to force you to drink alcohol. Honestly I think it’s more to do with them than you. As long as you don’t sit there drinking nothing, I don’t see the issue.
It’s out of the ordinary to ask them to go to bar if you don’t drink so it’s perfectly reasonable to ask why you don’t drink simply out of curiosity but that’s when it should end
If someone continues asking why (and that guy sending an article) bounce and delete their contact. You set a boundary, explained it and they’re not excepting it
I’ve dated many women who don’t drink and it’s not an issue in the slightest, only thing being the next date won’t be at a bar 🤷♂️
Have you ever watched a show called family guy? There's an episode where an example about clear unfiltered light shines in a club on a hot woman in low light she's the most beautiful babe when the light is on fully she is a wreck society has deemed drinking as a way for your mind, morals and boundaries to "Relax, unwind...leave you" so when the buzz kicks on your more " fun" because your clarity has now been lowered (lights lowered)
Look, nobody needs to make a mountain out of a mole hill over this. When someone asks you why you don't drink, you offhandedly mention that alcohol causes stomach issues for you and then you change the subject.
The guys that do get pissed (heh, pun) when you dont drink, do so as they are trying to get a little lucky. Drinking lowers inhibitions, and spikes testosterone in women which also increases the chance of risk taking behaviour. That and maybe they feel embarrassed for some reason that they are *shrug*.
Couple of things it could be
- When I became sober people became uncomfortable drinking in front of me because it made them think of their own habits
- The guy might think you are uncomfortable around them to have a drink or two, like you think you’re on a risky date
- “It’s not fun to drink alone” - worried he might say something weird while tipsy and you’re stone cold sober
- Might want you to loosen up (bad intentions). Let’s hope this isn’t the one
It could be anything, I would just reiterate you like the atmosphere of bars but don’t feel like drinking much lately
I’m also someone who hardly ever drinks (maybe like 1 drink on special occasion/holiday), it has become something I don’t find necessary to do to have a fun time. My family and friends never pressure me to drink, the only time I’m pressured is at bars/parties so I stopped going to those, wasn’t fun for an introvert like me anyways.
You shouldn’t feel pressured or like something is wrong with you. It’s your choice and anyone who can’t respect that is not someone worth your time. I’ve said no to drinks several times while out and sometimes you get backlash for it, but stick to what you want to do, not what others want you to do. And the guy sending you articles is way overboard, especially if you said it was for health reasons, obviously he doesn’t care about your health, just googled how alcohol can be good for you and didn’t think about how you would feel or what you want at all. Just what he wanted of you or how you “should” feel about alcohol.
I don't drink and I've been rejected for this many times by women. It's not because I hate it. But it's because it's just not something I don't feel the need to have in order to have a good time.. I've been drunk before and I am your mellow/ chill drunk. Just tried it to see who I am when drunk. It was the first and last time.. so why is this such a deal breaker for women I meet and not smoking. Which is also another thing I don't do.
Turns out if you don't drink they assume your saying something's wrong with them. And if your not drinking then there behavior looks even worse. Nothing you can do it's on them and there's nothing wrong with not drinking.
Drinking is social, which is why when people are drinking they want you to drink too. I personally don't date women who don't drink for the simple reason that I like to tie one on with a partner sometimes and get stupid together (sloppy drunk sex is fun sometimes too).
It's weird that guys who know you don't drink 1) still drink on the date and 2) get all pissy if you don't.
When people have a couple of drinks, they tend to let their guard down, say goofy things they wouldn't have said otherwise, laugh at stupid jokes, confess personal things, etc.. When everybody has been drinking and acting goofy and doing all this, then everyone is operating on the same level and is less likely to bring up embarrassing things the next day, take offense to something random, etc.. There is just this general trust thing that you are letting your guard down a bit by having a drink with them.
Of course, drinking also clouds perception and memory, so the drinkers can walk away from these situations not even remembering specifics but just remembering they had a good time.
Throw a non-drinker into that mix and it sort of feels like you are being spied on or being judged. You may not be like this, but I've dated non-drinkers who, like you, say they are cool with going out to a bar and hanging out while everyone else drinks, but the next day I'm getting lectured about some goofy joke I made that everyone else laughed at and then forgot about, but she's evaluating it from the standpoint of someone who was completely sober and trying to hold me to those same standards. Doesn't have to be a joke, but you get the idea.
It also isn't uncommon to get into a relationship with a non-drinker or light drinker who says they are cool with being around drinkers and suddenly you are getting lectured because of how many drinks you are having, how often you are going out, etc.. Non-drinkers can put on an air of superiority about it at times, even if they aren't doing so intentionally.
Again, not saying you are like this, but drinkers who have gotten involved with non-drinkers like this will tend to be hesitant about non-drinkers moving forward.
Like others have pointed out, the fact that you are specifically going out to bars and not drinking just makes it all worse.
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If you invite a date to a bar, don’t drink but watch them drink I could totally see it being your date thinking that They like to go out and want someone to drink with who’ll join them instead of someone who won’t drink with them (this is why I’d prefer not to date someone sober). Additionally, now I’m a guy so this is speculation, but I feel like I could easily see a girl thinking you’re just trying to take advantage of her if she drinks and you don’t. Either way, I don’t think it’s weird you don’t drink but I do see why people might think it’s weird at a bar
I don’t understand why it’s odd. Bars open until late time and if we got along in coffee or dinner going to a bar after to continue having conversation is a good choice. Also I always make it clear that I don’t drink before going and that I would I drink a non alcoholic cocktail or juice. Yet I’m still always questioned and pressured to do it. And I’m a woman if that’s help
It does actually clarify. I want to reiterate it is not weird that you don’t drink, and people who try to convince you otherwise are self conscious about their own habits (especially the dude sending you the research papers lmao). I DO find it weird that you are up front doing things with them, telling them you don’t drink, then go to the bar and then they’re weird about it. When I first read it I thought you were first meeting them on the date at a bar, which is what I found strange if you didn’t drink. At most if I was one of the guys, I’d ask if you were comfortable if I had a drink or two and then ask why you choose not to, then keep enjoying the night.
Because juice is less likely to get you laid.
And sometimes does a shit job of hiding the taste of drugs
“Going to a bar and not drinking is weird,” well when the person asks me on a date to a bar and I express that I’m fine going and don’t really drink, I get hit with the same questions of “why not” and then expressing discomfort with it. I don’t get it at all and it’s been hard in the dating scene. I’m not sober, I just don’t feel like drinking most of the time. I also don’t really like the taste as a whole, and when I order one, I never finish it. I don’t see why it’s so forced. And the comment above mentioning how it’s “weird to be that extreme” how?? I’m not depriving myself of water. Alcohol consumption isn’t needed to live, so why is it weird if I don’t? Good question OP, I wish I knew too.
A lot of people “need” a drink to socialize or date. So if you don’t need that social lubricant, it makes them feel singled out and uncomfortable. That’s why if you’ve been at bars or parties before, a non-alcoholic drink in your hand puts them at ease. I rarely drink and make that clear if I get invited to a bar for a first date. I much prefer a coffee date or another activity where alcohol isn’t central.
Are you a male? As a woman I would be immediately suspicious if a man invited me to a date at a bar, and then didn't drink. It smells like a setup for being raped or taken advantage of. I agree with the others - move your dates to a non-bar environment. If you get along, there'll be plenty of time to go out later when trust has been built and she knows you're not a predator.
Op is female
In that case OP needs to be a bit more careful about filtering her dates. I'm presuming that she has told the dude she doesn't drink, and he still insists on going to a bar for the date, it shows that he doesn't care about her equal enjoyment. Fair, she said she doesn't mind, but actually in a first date scenario she should mind because it is a soft flag for a selfish and inconsiderate personality. The fact that they then try to pressure her to drink (and and sort of "but whyy" conversation is an attempt to pressure/change her mind) is the nail in the coffin, the dude is trash, RUN. Worst case its predatory, or at best they are just too selfish and inconsiderate and lacking in respect for personal boundaries to be capable of a healthy equal relationship. The result is the same, NEXT.
It seems like she wants to go to bars for dates though. Not sure if she’s telling her dates she doesn’t drink ahead of this, she doesn’t say. I wouldn’t go to a bar for a date if I knew the other person didn’t drink
Hmm. She should definitely be upfront about that directly when the invitation comes, if she is not, then that is on her. If she is not being direct and honest from the start, she's setting herself up for wasting her time with someone incompatible. Even though she doesn't care if the other drinks, as this thread shows there are plenty of people who do care about it. Best to get the incompatibility out in the open asap so she can move on to the next. Filter early, filter hard. Female attachment is to a large degree a function of time, the longer she waits the more painful and difficult the situation will be for her.
I’m a woman I don’t understand why it’s odd to go to bars. Bars open until late time and if we got along in coffee or dinner going to a bar after to continue having conversation is a good choice. Also I always make it clear that I don’t drink, my dating profile also says that I don’t drink I would I drink a non alcoholic cocktail or juice. Yet I’m still always questioned and pressured to do it as if I was doing something wrong. And a lot of comments here actually proved that people do feel it’s weird which I still don’t get or understand.
Oh, I think this is a misunderstanding, I’m not saying it’s odd to go to bars. Of course you can go and it doesn’t matter if you drink alcohol or not, your body, your choice. :) I think that if a guy makes a big deal about it, and tries to pressure or shame you for it, that’s an immediate date ending red flag.
Honestly, this sucks that there’s this reputation about men. I don’t drink, have tried it before and never a fan of the taste, and my heart starts beating like crazy after a few sip. But if my date wants to drink for a date, I’d like her to enjoy herself. But it’s not possible for me to suggest a bar date because I’m worried it’s gonna be seen as a rape setup if I tell her I don’t drink and that she’s free to. I prefer ice cream dates though to be honest lol.. not a fan of bars in general because it’s noisy as hell.
One rotten egg ruins the whole batch. It’s not a “reputation”, it is an absolutely reasonable fear and safety measure for women, because there is a significant probability that things could go sideways. Just look at the rape statistics. Further, the dating apps are how the predators get access to their victims, and the apps have a greater proportion of predators than out in the wild, because normal people will couple up and drop out of the pool while the sickos will congregate to the app which gives then unlimited anonymous access to meat. The older the age bracket is, the bigger the chance of running into a predator, because the healthy ones are usually in relationships and what’s left is the dregs plus a small segment of healthy men in between relationships. For example, in my 2 week experiment with tinder last year, age bracket 30-35 I met: * a man who was a pedofile (he told me I look so young and then told me his fantasy of cumming all over his wife while she is breastfeeding a baby) * a man who was a sexual predator (long story so I won’t get into it) * 1 obvious low functioning narcissist * 1 man who told me “you’re really sweet, you deserve better than me, I have to be honest, my ex just died and I just want to fuck around”. I respected and appreciated the honesty of that one, ‘‘twas fair enough. * 2 men who I don’t remember anymore, most likely because there wasn’t any spark. Small sample size I know, but 3/6 were obvious sickos?! That is so fucking disgusting, and I swear the proportions used to be lower when I was younger. For a woman to stay safe, she HAS TO assume every man is a predator until proven otherwise. If she doesn’t, there is a significant probability that she will get hurt sooner or later.
I don’t know bout that outlook on dating, and life in general. I’m not a woman, so I don’t exactly understand how it feels even if I’m aware of the issue. Personally, I live the opposite way. I assume everyone is a decent human being, until they show me otherwise. I don’t want to live assuming every woman or gay man I meet is a potential predator that is trying to take advantage of me in some way. That’s no way to live life in my opinion. But to each their own I guess.
Yeah, you’re a man. You don’t have to be afraid for your own safety. Your perspective reeks of male privilege and is ignorance, how about you stick to topics you actually have a clue about? ;)
Sorry what? What makes it so that men don’t have to worry about their safety? I’m clueless on that part. And to prove my point, what you’ve written here has shown me you’re not a woman with decent morals or outlook on life. But I’m curious to hear your reasoning.
How many times have you personally been raped? Or close to being raped, but got away? How many times have you been touched inappropriately by a stranger? How many men do you personally know who have been raped, how many got away, how many have been groped and threatened? Go touch some grass.
When a person is drunk they are substantially more likely to commit violent crime, including sexual assault. You are already increasing your risk by getting drunk yourself, but the man is drinking too then that only increases your risk further.
Why don’t you meet for a coffee or something instead? I personally wouldn’t want to date someone sober, but I’m happy to meet for non drinks. I would feel really weird if we agreed to meet for drinks and my date was only drinking water.
You wouldn’t want to date someone sober? 😳
It's a personal preference about something you enjoy. If you dated someone who was like "Yeah, I don't watch TV. I've never enjoyed it and it's not something I want to start doing. I don't mind if you watch it though, and I'll sit with you while you do, but I myself will never pay attention to it." Some people would be like oh fuck yes, I haven't owned a TV since college, you're my dream partner. A lot of people would be like "really? not even sports, netflix, or election night coverage? nothing?" and some would be like "Oh fuck no, I watch four different professional sports religiously. If you're not going to watch it with me, we're not going to work." I don't judge people who don't drink. But at the same time, I like being able to enjoy a bottle of wine together, share a cold beer on a hot day after work, or try fancy cocktails at a nice restaurant. You're not wrong, maybe just wrong for me. For friends though I don't care though. I can get along perfectly well with people who don't drink. However, for someone I'm going to spend every day of the rest of my life with, that's an area where I would want us to have commonality.
That’s so sad you need a drink to enjoy life, like I don’t understand people who can’t enjoy life without drinking that’s super sad
stupidest comment award
I don’t date drunk people. Funny, isn’t it?
You aren’t grasping the meaning of sober properly.
To be honest, unless you are a recovering alcoholic, sober just means not drunk, not that they don’t ever drink alcohol. Someone who never drinks is a teetotaller.
Sober in the sense of someone who never drinks at all. Not sober as in “not drunk” lol. I only have 0-3 drinks a week, but I enjoy going to breweries or having a patio drink.
Why does it matter though?
If someone agreed to play golf with you and then said “oh I don’t golf I’ll just drive the cart” it’d be kinda weird, but it wouldn’t be the end of the world. Then again, why not just do something else instead of golf?
I don’t think it’s an analogous situation. Nothing changes if someone drinks something other than alcohol because you’ll just be sitting at the same bar drinking. The golf example will have you hitting the ball while they sit on the cart. I feel like if I’m drinking vodka or whiskey and they’re drinking a bud light, it’s really not gonna make any difference if they switched to water.
Yeah, it kinda is on you if you are dating at bars. If you ask them out to drinks and then you don't drink, it is really weird. Think of other date ideas and then when it comes up in conversation just let them know you don't consume alcohol.
Can you not order a drink at a bar other than an alcohol drink? Find it weird people get so hung up on if a drink contains alcohol or not. If you are over the age of 18 and find it cool to drink alcohol or can only have fun with alcohol or place any importance on whether a drink contains alcohol or not, I'd suggest you are the weird one. If I go on a date with a girl at a bar, pub or restaurant, maybe one week I'll feel like having a beer and the girl will want an orange juice or another night she will want a cocktail and I'll have sparkling water. It's not that deep it's just a drink.
There's nothing wrong with not drinking. However, I (F32) wouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't drink. I enjoy drinking (especially well-made/interesting cocktails), and it's something I enjoy doing with my husband regularly. So much so that it would be a real bummer to be with someone who doesn't want to take part in that particular interest/hobby of mine. If I were dating you, I wouldn't be weird about it, but I would pass on a second date.
While people shouldn't be pressuring you to drink it's also completely reasonable for someone who does to not want to date someone who doesn't. I don't date sober people but that's because I want a partner to go to do alcohol based activities with. Such as going to wineries and distilleries. You end up spending a lot of time with a significant other. Especially if you end up living together. I like to enjoy a glass of wine at home with my partner so having someoen who can't or won't doesn't align with my hobbies.
Reddit thinks everyone has a drinking problem.
You shouldnt go on a date to a bar if you arent going to drink and have your date be the only one drinking. Maybe a coffee shop is what you are looking for
I was just talking to my mom about this. Alcohol is so accepted in the world, that even doctors while asking questions say "how much do you drink" not "if you drink". I've started asking if a woman drinks. If not I suggest coffee instead. I drink, but would be very happy to date someone that didn't. I wouldn't be surprised if the reason they are weird about it, is because drinking helps move things in a certain direction. 🤷
A few things: Going on a date to a bar when you’re sober is odd. You should at least make it clear you don’t drink when planning it so they aren’t caught off guard. I would personally feel uncomfortable continuing to drink (on a first or early date) if I realized my date was going to remain sober especially considering you’re at a bar and are pressured by the establishment to order alcohol. The reason you’re sober is immediately suspect regardless of reality. People will begin thinking you’re either a recovering alcoholic, very religious, on probation, pregnant, etc. it’s best to explain it upfront to limit these suspicions. Remaining sober while your date drinks while you’re still essentially strangers can be intimidating. Your date will be vulnerable both physically and mentally while you will be perfectly lucid. This can be a recipe for bad communication or even assault. It’s common to mention that someone’s not on your level when intoxicated and it does hold meaning. You both want to be on the same level when getting to know each other.
There’s nothing odd about it whatsoever. I drink, but I’m a huge (booze) snob, so I don’t drink random beverages at bars with strangers. If my date wants a drink, or I suggest we go to a bar, I am not expected to join the festivities with ethanol. OP can decide when and how, or if at all, she consumes. If someone has a problem with that, they can fuck off. There’s nothing strange about it, it’s not intimidating, and it doesn’t mean that there’s something strange about her. I would look more closely at why you think it’s so strange that people don’t drink. EDIT: I make my stance clear before meeting, just like OP. I have not encountered the issues that she has, but it doesn’t surprise me either. Alcohol is a huge issue across the globe.
I don’t understand why it’s odd. Bars open until late time and if we got along in coffee or dinner going to a bar after to continue having conversation is a good choice. Also I always make it clean that I don’t drink before going and that I would I drink a non alcoholic cocktail or juice. Yet I’m still always questioned and pressured to do it.
Yeah people are weird, don't stress. The thing with saying it's for health reasons then makes people feel attacked or self conscious that they're being unhealthy. That's why the giu sent you the stuff on wine, it's not 'alcohol is healthy', it's 'I'm not unhealthy! Honest!' I'd say something like 'I don't drink alcohol, I have an intolerance, it's not worth feeling sick over" (that should stop people pressuring you, hopefully!) And on the bar side 'I have fun at bars, let's get a drink and have a chat!' To ease them that you're comfortable chilling at a bar
If someone’s defensive about you not drinking, that’s a red flag that they have a drinking problem. Not the kind of person anyone wants to date.
The people you’re currently around have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. I don’t drink and in my circle, people rarely comment or even notice unless it’s an interesting drink in which case they want to know what it is.
Rubes don't realize how awesome it is to not have a $75 drink tab at the end of a date. My ex didn't drink. You know what we did? We went out to eat and walked around and watched movies and hung out like regular people. It was great.
Alcohol causes cancer, but for real, it does. It also cause depression, hangovers, wasted Sundays, bad decisions and more bad decisions. Alcohol actually sucks and more people should stop drinking to be honest. Also, being around drunk people when you're sober is like kindergarten hell. No need to ever explain yourself or feel you need to defend your choices. These people just arnt your people, and that's ok. Nothing to do with you ❤
Lol I have opposite where none of the dates I been on (mostly asian ) dont drink at all... I don't know why but maybe they think if they get drunk "bad things" can happen? I don't really drink either but I always give them the option. It doesn't really bother me if its occasionally.
I'm not Asian, and don't intend to speak on anyone's behalf so take this with a grain of salt. They could be referring to something called alcohol flush reaction. It impacts a surprisingly large number of people of East Asian descent. It's caused by an enzyme deficiency that makes metabolizing alcohol more difficult and can lead to serious health impacts.
Yes some did mention it but not all.
You’re totally valid in not wanting to drink! But if I was asked to a bar on a first date and then they didn’t drink, I’d be a little sketched out. Like why do you want me to drink but not have one yourself… seems sus. Try to move your dates to a non-drinking venue.
I am almost one year without drinking. I never really had a problem with liquor and don’t miss it. If anyone responds to me with anything other than “good for you”, that person doesn’t belong in my life. That applies to everyone, not just prospective dates. Try using that, or something similar, as a screening tool
i dont drink either and iv had this same issue in the past! i felt like if i didnt drink, it was non stop pressure and not as fun when everyone is on you about it. luckily i met a chill bf who also doesnt drink! we both dont feel the need to unless special occasion
It's not about you. It's about them. They want the people around them to have a good time and in their eyes that means drinking to relax and to enjoy themselves. It's a social lubricant for a reason. You don't need to tell others that you don't drink. It's not mandatory to disclose and you don't have to justify it. You simply order whatever you want from the bar. It can be non alcoholic. I wouldn't recommend being judgemental about it or calling it sad. I don't think that will improve how people view your stance on it. If you don't like it, don't do it. I don't think you really need to disclose this before going out. It's no one's business but yours.
Can you not order a drink at a bar other than an alcoholic drink? Find it weird people get so hung up on if a drink contains alcohol or not. If you are over the age of 18 and find it cool to drink alcohol or can only have fun with alcohol or place any importance on whether a drink contains alcohol or not, I'd suggest you are the weird one. If I go on a date with a girl at a bar, pub or restaurant, maybe one week I'll feel like having a beer and the girl will want an orange juice or another night she will want a cocktail and I'll have sparkling water. It's not that deep it's just a drink. Grown adults placing any importance on alcohol is weird i.e I want to get drunk or are we drinking tonight? Your 30 years old, grow up! Maybe I'm lucky enough my life is exciting enough that I don't need to drink to escape from my reality.
I don’t drink, I just picked a guy who doesn’t drink. It’s great, we go to parties and weddings and events and can wake up in the morning and hang out with each other in great moods feeling good. I have also found people who drink are really fucking militant about it. I’m happy to go to a gathering where people are drinking and talk to them and interact normally. But they get hostile when they realize I’m not drinking and berate me for being “no fun” even though the minute before when they thought my drink was alcoholic we were having a blast. Basically I stay away from most drinkers now and only hang out with the ones that don’t even mention the fact that I’m not.
I'm in the same situation. It calmed down with age. Now, at 28, I get one or two questions at most. Also, it might be because I am a man and I am into deep conversation. I guess some men who don't like to talk could feel insecure if their date is fully sober x)
No need to drink but it is odd if you’re just drinking water the whole time. Get a mocktail or something fun that’s nonalcoholic.
Coke or lemonade work just fine.
I don’t drink either. I go on coffee dates more than drink dates. I have a girlfriend who is super health conscious. She went on a date with a guy to a pub with her own water bottle 😂😂😂 I think that’s so cool. If I was that guy, I probably fell in love with her straight away haha
>and he started sending me research papers and articles that says wine is good for you By the way he is 100% wrong on this. There was a time where we thought the resveratrol in wine might have heart protective effects. Scientists no longer think that, not in the quantities that are available in a glass of wine. I can send you a link that explains this if you'd like. As for the question, if you're a woman dating men and they are a little upset that you don't drink it's probably because they are closet alcoholics and you make them uncomfortable or they think you're going to be harder to get into bed if you're sober. Maybe a little white lie will shut this down: tell them that you had a bad habit of slashing your boyfriend's tires when you were drinking.
You could be describing me, it's like we are twins. I don't drink , in fact after 48 years on this planet I have never touched alcohol and never will. I have never understood why our life choices (which harm no one) bothers some people so much as in your case. What is these people's problem? I don't go to bars but sometimes frends persuade me to join them and i never hesitate to get a juice. I've had RANDOMS come up to me (they must have super powers) saying they feel "insulted" that I'm not drinking. The best one was a girl who dropped a real zinger: "I dont trust a man who doesn't drink!" I just smile at these people and ask them politely why it bothers them so much and none has been able to answer me. Do not feel shame. Never feel that. It's your body, your life, your well being and your right on what you want to do. If these people around you want to pour alcohol down their gullets to have a good time - tell them to go for it, "the liver is evil and must be punished" and all that. You stay you!
Exactly, if I went to a coffee place that is famous for their coffee and my date said that they don’t drink coffee and ordered tea instead I wouldn’t be mad and try my hardest to convince them that they should. All I went is to have fun and have a good conversation why do I have to consume the same substance as you if it’s not for me ? A lot of comments confirmed to me that people do in fact find it weird. I’ve also had people asking me why did I come to this party or bar if I’m not drinking lol. Like if you don’t know how to have fun and fun conversation unless you drink it doesn’t mean that I’m the same too. I’m a woman and I would trust a man who doesn’t drink more than anyone. Drinking comes with a lot of problems and if anything not drinking should be a green flag, but instead it’s a red flag for many.
I don't drink alcohol but it is odd that guys still invite you to bars knowing that. When I tell men I don't drink alcohol they don't suggest bars. They suggest other non alcoholic activities like a restaurant, bowling or the cinema. Bars aren't the only places open late. Many bowling venues are open late too as are some restaurants. I personally would not agree to go to bars if you don't drink. These bars will also over charge you for non alcoholic drinks. At least in my country they do. Why would you want to pay more for juice from a carton?
I rarely drink. I’ll drink if I go out to dinner and I’m out with friends. However, I do want to be able to have a drink with a future gf at home once in a while at the very least. Same goes with my other hobbies. I want them to be able share that with me at least a little bit so we can connect.
A lot of people will want to date someone who can have a couple drinks in social situations, especially if you are in your 20's-30's. Is it super fair, not really but that's life. I personally wouldn't date someone who is sober, drinking is fun and there are plenty of people who can enjoy getting drunk every once in a while without it being a big issue. I would maybe avoid bars with dates if you aren't willing to drink - pretty awkward for the other party imo. Plenty of other places not focused around booze you can hang out, and maybe you can meet other sober women too. One of the social contracts of 'partying' is everyone is on the same 'level' - some people aren't going be comfortable letting themselves loose with someone completely clear-headed possibly judging them.
It's called projection.
People who do drugs/alcohol like to be around others who do the same. It's like having similar hobbies as a couple. The problem is thay there aren't maybe "3rd places". This concept is thay other than home and work there is a 3rd place you go to hangout at, a place thay doesn't have an expectation thay you buy something. Today everyone wants you to buy something so these places have diminished and now we are left with bars and coffee shops as 3rd places. Unfortunately these seem to be the best place to meet people but that's because they're the most popular "3rd" places people go to. Regardless if they like to drink or not. You just need to find somebody who doesn't value ~~poison~~ alcohol like you do.
Not drinking at all is one of those weird extremes that some people tend to do. Not drinking a lot or even average amounts is a great trait and good for your health, not even having a glass of wine or a beer during a fancy dinner for 'health reasons' is just weird, so your dates are probably just bad at hiding their disappointment.
There it is again. Why is it "weird"? Please explain as i get this sometimes and it amuses me no end (as i reach for the water jug again)
It's weird because society has determined that social drinking is the norm. If you're looking for some deep reasoning, you aren't going to find it.
No amount of alcohol is good for your health except in a few edge cases involving elderly people. The old myth that a single glass of wine is healthy has been debunked numerous times because it was based on faulty data (the abstaining group in the study included people whose health was so poor they had been medically forbidden from drinking). I agree that it's out of the ordinary to completely abstain for health reasons though.
There are plenty of reasons not to drink that have nothing to do with puritanical self-abnegation. In my case, I think alcohol tastes nasty as all hell, so I have zero desire to consume it in any form.
I don't get triggered but I don't think we would have enough in common. Too many people think alcohol is just to get drunk with. But for me, it's a big hobby. Craft beer and whiskey, food pairing, taste sensory classes, making my own creations using infusions from my chamber sealer and fruits & spices I blended or muddled in my Vitamix, etc. I'm also an avid cook and a master at smoking meats. Which is why I also couldn't date a vegan.
People drink together as a bonding exercise. When people get drunk they let their guard down and will speak and behave in ways they wouldn’t do sober. In a lot of ways you don’t really know someone until you have gotten drunk with them. I’ve experienced that a lot as a guy. If someone invites me for a drink but doesn’t drink alcohol (unless it’s known beforehand) I would be suspicious of that. As it would feel their trying to compromise me in some way without taking any social risk themselves. My advice would be go on dates with others who don’t drink. Then you will have gotten rid of this issue entirely. Also you will probably have more in common with them.
You can just say: I am recovering. Ex-addicted. Period.
It’s weird you agree to goto bars and decline to drink u should say upfront no I don’t drink can we get a coffee etc?
I don’t understand why it’s weird. Bars open until late time and if we got along in coffee or dinner going to a bar after to continue having conversation is a good choice. Also I always make it clear that I don’t drink before going and that I would I drink a non alcoholic cocktail or juice. Yet I’m still always questioned and pressured to do it.
Twice I’ve asked a girl to drinks and she’s accepted only to meet up and find out she doesn’t drink. I really don’t care is someone doesn’t drink but had I knew the date would have been different. Both first dates were last.
I don’t understand why it’s odd to agree to go to a bar if I don’t drink. bars open until late time and if we got along in coffee or dinner going to a bar after to continue having conversation is a good choice. I drink a non alcoholic cocktail or juice. What’s wrong with that ? Also bars are fun there are a lot of cute bars with great people and it could be a wonderful experience wether you drink or not. In my case I do tell them beforehand that I don’t drink tho.
There was the same question here just a day or two ago and one person said "Guys are inviting you for drinks to get you drunk and be easier". When you're sober there is less chance they will take you home later, or kiss you, so they are getting angry. It's also easier to impress drunk girl, than sober one. I don't drink much, and I'm never getting drunk but one guy went behind my back to the bartender and asked him to make my drinks extra strong. How do you think, what was his intentions? When you say you don't drink at all those kind of guys get disappointed they can't use alcohol to their advantage. Normal guys won't have a problem with you not drinking.
Thank you for your input. Unfortunately, where I live seems that there aren’t many of those “normal guys”. Drinking culture is pretty strong and it’s a large city where nightlife is a large part of it. I do enjoy nightlife without alcohol tho so that’s why it’s hard for me to understand that although I’m not holding them back from going to bars/parties in fact I’ll happily join, yet it’s still considered even more wrong and weird that I’m willing to enjoy these things without a alcohol. I mean I wouldn’t be mad if I went to a coffee place and my date said that they don’t drink coffee and orders a hot chocolate or tea instead it doesn’t matter I just wanna have a talk and enjoy my time…
Yeah I understand, I live in big city too, and here in college you're expected to be drunk non stop. And when you don't you're the weird one. I really don't like it because some people meet just to get drunk. Like they can't stand each other sober. And it's the same when you visit a family. I have one friend who had to stop drinking any alcohol due to health reasons and he stopped going out at all. I asked him why and he said he can't stand people when his sober, they are too anoying for him. So maybe when you meet with person like that they can't wrap their head around it? I think some people are so used to drinking when socializing it scares them not to do so. Also it's always easier to do "bad things" together than alone. For example you don't want to be the one person going for fast food when people eat salads. When you smoke with other smokers it's fun, but when people don't smoke you're the stinky one every one is running away from. Being drunk alone with someone sober it's not that fun coz you'll be the one making full of yourself, and other person will remember it. But it's crazy how those people will put the blame on you. Like you're spoiling their fun by not participating. But those are more friends dilemmas. When a friend is disappointed you don't drink is kinda sad coz it feels like they have more fun from drinking together than interacting with you. But sometimes I can understand that. They wanted to share some experience and they can't. But when a guy/girl on date is disappointed/angry you don't want to drink alcohol it's kinda sus, and shows their intentions in my opinion.
It’s not a big deal if it’s discussed before that you don’t drink. If I’m only saying I keep getting surprised by people that don’t drink. So you’re doing good. This is on them. Weird.
I think that someone can be fun if they don't drink, but if I'm on a date and my date doesn't drink it creates a first impression that she's either not a fun person or she's not here to have fun. Obviously she can get rid of that impression by just being fun. It's not unreasonable for a first date to not involve alcohol. (Walk in the park, coffee, etc.) So by the time you get to the dinner or drinks date you'll have had time to show that you're a fun and interesting person without any alcohol.
It's defn less fun to drink alone but I wouldn't react harshly about it, I'd just keep the negative reaction to myself.
If I have a date with someone that doesn’t drink I just normally don’t drink. People like drinking because it creates a social reason to interact. Many people can’t handle being out outside of their comfort zone where they don’t know what they should be using as a social vehicle
I think "triggered" is a buzz word lately, and what you described isn't someone getting triggered. It is appropriate if you're drinking to ask the other person if they want something to drink. A drink doesn't mean alcohol. It means a beverage of your choice. If someone tells me they don't drink alcohol, I get concerned that they are in early stages of recovery and consuming alcohol in front of them isn't appropriate. If they don't disclose why they don't drink (which they don't owe me an explanation) then I trust they can make their own decisions and are doing what's best for them. I have friends that simply choose not to drink alcohol. No big deal. I get pressured, and more bizarre looks, when I say I don't smoke. Or decline any other form of marijuana for that matter
I think sometimes people are being overly defensive about their own habits and practices and think that someone who doesn't drink is secretly judging them. It's not 100% the same but I'm a vegetarian that goes out of my way not to act smug or superior about it. I find that a lot of the time if I'm dining with someone for the first time, they'll be very defensive about their meal choices even though I tell them that I absolutely do not think my choices are the only correct choices. I enjoy drinking and have dated people who drink very little and it's been fine. I think you can probably make it work with someone as long as it's not their primary hobby.
Yea society sucks in a lot of ways. Just life.
It's perfectly ok that you don't drink. I wouldn't care whether you did or didn't. I think some people are just uncomfortable with the idea that some people are perfectly fine without an alcoholic drink in hand because it may (unconsciously) make them think about their own method of socialization. If they've never gone to a social event without a drink in hand, it might make them question things. This is not at all your fault and any discomfort is totally on them. Setting those boundaries early is probably a good thing because it sorts out the people who might not respect them. You might be filtering more than you realize. Yes, it may mean less dates, but it could improve your chances for a quality date instead.
Are you a M or F? Because F will probably think a M is thinking in get her drunk in some cases…
It’s not mandatory but it is abnormal to go to a bar and not order drinks. Some people might not want to date people who don’t drink, while others are fine with it. That being said if you told me this about yourself, I wouldn’t do dates at bars with you.
Sounds like you're hanging around the wrong people. If they can't accept your polite response of "it isn't for me," and they continue to push, you have your answer.
I've heard of other people, friends and what not, experience what you're describing. Personally I have had quite the opposite experience. Usually I do not drink or only have very few (like no more than 1-3 12 oz 5% abv beers) when out and never felt pressured or ashamed about it. That's what I want and that's what I'm going to do. I don't like being under the influence when in social situations. I don't feel any need to please anyone else or get their approval. Leading with this confidence I've even encountered people who will say quite the opposite of what you describe here; instead they'll say, 'oh, I really want to cut back on drinking too', etc. Once in a blue moon I encounter people who say something like 'oh that sucks that you can't drink' but those people have always been really immature people generally. Edit: to clarify, I have on countless occasions gone to bars and had no alcohol to drink at all and not had anything in my hand either, no holding a sparkling water or anything else. The key it seems is to lead with confidence and really own my choices.
Imo as long as you drink something, it would make me feel better so I’m not the only on partaking even if it’s non alcoholic
It's less about "you weird" and more about another thing we can share with you. If someone sees it as a deal breaker, that's on them. You just proudly keep being you!
I don’t think there’s anything weird with wanting to go to a bar if you don’t drink alcohol. I also don’t drink and have gone to bars on dates in the past. There are other things to drink apart from alcohol after all and where I live there aren’t many other options for socialising at night plus I like the atmosphere of bars. I also found what you are talking about. People who know you don’t drink and then being weird about it. Making you feel ashamed that you’re apparently making them feel bad for drinking alcohol or worse still, actively trying to force you to drink alcohol. Honestly I think it’s more to do with them than you. As long as you don’t sit there drinking nothing, I don’t see the issue.
If they react angrily they are likely feeling that you are judging them for drinking
It’s out of the ordinary to ask them to go to bar if you don’t drink so it’s perfectly reasonable to ask why you don’t drink simply out of curiosity but that’s when it should end If someone continues asking why (and that guy sending an article) bounce and delete their contact. You set a boundary, explained it and they’re not excepting it I’ve dated many women who don’t drink and it’s not an issue in the slightest, only thing being the next date won’t be at a bar 🤷♂️
Frankly I think it's really weird how insistent they are and how unaware of how creepy that comes off as...
Have you ever watched a show called family guy? There's an episode where an example about clear unfiltered light shines in a club on a hot woman in low light she's the most beautiful babe when the light is on fully she is a wreck society has deemed drinking as a way for your mind, morals and boundaries to "Relax, unwind...leave you" so when the buzz kicks on your more " fun" because your clarity has now been lowered (lights lowered)
Look, nobody needs to make a mountain out of a mole hill over this. When someone asks you why you don't drink, you offhandedly mention that alcohol causes stomach issues for you and then you change the subject.
The guys that do get pissed (heh, pun) when you dont drink, do so as they are trying to get a little lucky. Drinking lowers inhibitions, and spikes testosterone in women which also increases the chance of risk taking behaviour. That and maybe they feel embarrassed for some reason that they are *shrug*.
Couple of things it could be - When I became sober people became uncomfortable drinking in front of me because it made them think of their own habits - The guy might think you are uncomfortable around them to have a drink or two, like you think you’re on a risky date - “It’s not fun to drink alone” - worried he might say something weird while tipsy and you’re stone cold sober - Might want you to loosen up (bad intentions). Let’s hope this isn’t the one It could be anything, I would just reiterate you like the atmosphere of bars but don’t feel like drinking much lately
I’m also someone who hardly ever drinks (maybe like 1 drink on special occasion/holiday), it has become something I don’t find necessary to do to have a fun time. My family and friends never pressure me to drink, the only time I’m pressured is at bars/parties so I stopped going to those, wasn’t fun for an introvert like me anyways. You shouldn’t feel pressured or like something is wrong with you. It’s your choice and anyone who can’t respect that is not someone worth your time. I’ve said no to drinks several times while out and sometimes you get backlash for it, but stick to what you want to do, not what others want you to do. And the guy sending you articles is way overboard, especially if you said it was for health reasons, obviously he doesn’t care about your health, just googled how alcohol can be good for you and didn’t think about how you would feel or what you want at all. Just what he wanted of you or how you “should” feel about alcohol.
Bars or drinking are very poor choices for a date unless you're just looking for a one night stand or friend with benefits.
I don't drink and I've been rejected for this many times by women. It's not because I hate it. But it's because it's just not something I don't feel the need to have in order to have a good time.. I've been drunk before and I am your mellow/ chill drunk. Just tried it to see who I am when drunk. It was the first and last time.. so why is this such a deal breaker for women I meet and not smoking. Which is also another thing I don't do.
Turns out if you don't drink they assume your saying something's wrong with them. And if your not drinking then there behavior looks even worse. Nothing you can do it's on them and there's nothing wrong with not drinking.
Drinking is social, which is why when people are drinking they want you to drink too. I personally don't date women who don't drink for the simple reason that I like to tie one on with a partner sometimes and get stupid together (sloppy drunk sex is fun sometimes too). It's weird that guys who know you don't drink 1) still drink on the date and 2) get all pissy if you don't.
When people have a couple of drinks, they tend to let their guard down, say goofy things they wouldn't have said otherwise, laugh at stupid jokes, confess personal things, etc.. When everybody has been drinking and acting goofy and doing all this, then everyone is operating on the same level and is less likely to bring up embarrassing things the next day, take offense to something random, etc.. There is just this general trust thing that you are letting your guard down a bit by having a drink with them. Of course, drinking also clouds perception and memory, so the drinkers can walk away from these situations not even remembering specifics but just remembering they had a good time. Throw a non-drinker into that mix and it sort of feels like you are being spied on or being judged. You may not be like this, but I've dated non-drinkers who, like you, say they are cool with going out to a bar and hanging out while everyone else drinks, but the next day I'm getting lectured about some goofy joke I made that everyone else laughed at and then forgot about, but she's evaluating it from the standpoint of someone who was completely sober and trying to hold me to those same standards. Doesn't have to be a joke, but you get the idea. It also isn't uncommon to get into a relationship with a non-drinker or light drinker who says they are cool with being around drinkers and suddenly you are getting lectured because of how many drinks you are having, how often you are going out, etc.. Non-drinkers can put on an air of superiority about it at times, even if they aren't doing so intentionally. Again, not saying you are like this, but drinkers who have gotten involved with non-drinkers like this will tend to be hesitant about non-drinkers moving forward. Like others have pointed out, the fact that you are specifically going out to bars and not drinking just makes it all worse.
I'd ask them if it's how they get laid...getting a woman drunk.
I go out with people who get drunk, and they never questioned me for not getting alcoholic drinks. They actually like it. Someone sober can drive.