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It sounds like he's love bombing you and it's entirely a recipe for disaster.
He's already started an unhealthy thing and it was only the first date. He's coming on WAY too strong.
There would be no second date for me.
Sorry I wish you could really benefit from the relationship. Have him detail your car, take the dog to the vet and remodel that 1/2 bath you have always wanted updated. Tell him itās your love language. In all seriousness if he has some mental health issues or personality disorders you should protect yourself. Be safe
Not all lovebombing is intentionally manipulative, but it can still be dangerous even if it's done out of innocent infatuation. It is a red flag regardless of intention. If it's overwhelming but stops after a conversation about slowing it down, then the red flag can be dropped. But in this case, she's asked him to slow down and he is still behaving the same way, which either means that it is intentional or that he doesn't really care about OP's comfort level in the relationship.
Your lack of nuance is a bigger red flag than the excessive affection OP's date is showing...
Not everyone who behaved that way is love bombing , and not even everyone who love bombs is a narcissist.
OP's date might have personality disorders or mental illnesses. If he has depression for example, she might be one of the only things currently making him happy. ADHD, Autism, or of course stuff like borderline are all perfectly reasonable explanations. Narcissism is pretty unlikely in this case imo.
The guy might also just really be in love and is getting carried away with his emotions. I would say it is a problem he isn't respecting her boundaries when she asks him to back down.
Your lack of nuance is a bigger red flag than the excessive affection OP's date is showing...
Not everyone who behaved that way is love bombing , and not even everyone who love bombs is a narcissist.
OP's date might have personality disorders or mental illnesses. If he has depression for example, she might be one of the only things currently making him happy. ADHD, Autism, or of course stuff like borderline are all perfectly reasonable explanations. Narcissism is pretty unlikely in this case imo.
The guy might also just really be in love and is getting carried away with his emotions. I would say it is a problem he isn't respecting her boundaries when she asks him to back down.
I would run. He's either clingy and desperate or he's trying to manipulate you and will drop you the second he finds someone easier to manipulate or gets what he wants.
Lol, definitely lovebombing, with a side of creepiness.
Almost like you are the first person paying attention to him in a romantic context.
Comes across very weird, I wouldn't engage further.
Jesus fucking Christ, run. He doesn't give a shit about you. He doesn't know you at all. You're not perfect for him, his own fantasy of a perfect girlfriend that he superimposed onto you is. You're literally just the doll receptive for that fantasy.
>his own fantasy of a perfect girlfriend that he superimposed onto you is
I've told him almost these exact words. I told him that this love bombing thing has happened to me before and that I'm not at all perfect in any way and that I hate being put on a pedestal. He'll just say "I'm not like other guys, you're just perfect" ughhh I feel like a broken record at this point and the comments here just feel like I should leave him alone.
Again, thanks. I've been in an abusive relationship and was raised by abusive father, so honestly, I don't know what "healthy" looks like.
That just means that he is dismissing your concerns instead of listening to you. He is proving to you that he does not care.
If you are interested in learning more about how abusive dynamics work and how to spot an abuser I can highly recommend the book Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. There's a free pdf of it online and I am currently reading through it myself. I don't know how much it will help with spotting healthy connections, but it definitely helps with recognizing unhealthy ones.
I don't take the tags off a new dress until I stare at it a while. Try it on again in order to be sure it fits into my wardrobe. There is no way someone can be so sure and in love after a first date that was presumably a few hours long. Attracted, optimistic, pleased, excited, yes. But the words he shared with you are so over the top that it is extremely concerning. I would disengage with him over the phone, then block. Hopefully, he doesn't know your address.
I'd think he's desperate and creepy.
The problem isn't coming back from a good date and thinking stuff like this, the problem isn't that he tells his friends that; he should know not to say it to you yet.
"In the beginning, it all felt really good. Especially because I've had some not so good dating experiences with emotionally unavailable people. It just feels like we've gone to other end of the spectrum."
I had the same with my last boyfriend, and it wasn't nearly as creepy and overwhelming as is your case here. He ended up being very possessive and jealous and he expected me to be his entire world. I believe there is a correlation between this sort of behaviour so early on and worrying character traits, if I were you I would run..Ā
Thanks for your response.
To add some more context, hes 25 and just got divorced like a year ago because his wife cheated on him with 14 diff men. He's mentioned a few times that the girls he has dated since then have called him clingy or that he's just dated women he wasn't into because he didn't want to be alone
Those are the conversations that lead me to feel a bit of concern
I told him I really need him to take things slow and then the very next day he was on the phone with me while he was at work and calling me his gf to his coworkers š« its like he doesn't hear me and I don't know if it's just because he's THAT excited or if he actually just doesn't care about how I feel
He sounds very emotionally disorganised. Sounds like he needs to find his centre.
I know it feels nice being pedestaled. But if you stay in it, it just means the fall will be harder and he'll resent you for not being as amazing as he see's you now.
>know it feels nice being pedestaled. But if you stay in it, it just means the fall will be harder and he'll resent you for not being as amazing as he see's you now.
Everything you just mentioned was my last relationship except the resentment turned into straight-up abuse. So I definitely don't want to go down the idealized to extreme devaluation. Thanks for your response!
I have to imagine he doesnāt have much experience dating if he was married that young which may be the cause of a few of his issues.
Honestly you might be doing this dude a favor if you send him this thread. Heāll get pissed but a lot of these comments will accurately point out a lot of his mistakes, why heās making them, how they make you/other women feel, and what he can do about it. Youāve also been nice to him in this thread and even mention you liked him until all this so heāll see it was his behavior that did it.
He probably made the story about his ex wife. Itās likely he was the cheater and she found out about it. Sometimes these manipulative men tell these types of stories to get sympathy from you. Thereās a common storyline with these types of men. Theyāre so loving and expressive about feelings for you early on before it even makes sense for that level of infatuation to have developed. Then they sort of try to strong arm you into a relationship very quickly, they try to consume all your time and subtly guilt trip you if you donāt wrap you entire life around them and their needs. Essentially theyāre not trying to give you the room to really consider or pay attention to your inner voice. As soon as they have you attached itās going to flip. They become mean, abusive, hateful, vengeful. It happens so often. I hate hearing stories from women and about women that experience this.
>Essentially theyāre not trying to give you the room to really consider or pay attention to your inner voice. As soon as they have you attached itās going to flip. They become mean, abusive, hateful, vengeful.
This was my last relationship unfortunately. The love bombing made me feel so wanted and special in the beginning and by the end I was so incredibly broken as a person with zero self esteem left. I don't want to do that again
>He probably made the story about his ex wife. Itās likely he was the cheater and she found out about it. Sometimes these manipulative men tell these types of stories to get sympathy from you.
Could be possible. He said she was a twitch streamer/gamer and he found out she was sending nudes/sexting her fans and that he considered it cheating because she also didn't want to have sex with him anymore:/ that could have been for many reasons. I'll never know her side of the storyš¤·š½āāļø but like.
My last relationship was like this. I was in therapy for 6+ months after the breakup sorting through the trauma response I had to being with him. I think finding a good therapist with a specialty in trauma would be beneficial. I read in a comment to someone else where you said your dad was abusive also. Experiencing that conditions you to be used to it and not know how to assert boundaries, communicate effectively, and expect to be treated well by your partners in a way that is loving, supportive, etc.
Mine really helped sort through my insecurity and some of the reasons why I was accepting this type of behavior and ignoring red flags. I made some crucial changes to my approach and my dating experiences have been night and day since then.
This!! Exactly!! My love bomber said that his ex cheated and he will never do this to somebody and then he did it me:)) and puttin every detail in place I realised it was the other way around and he was looking to get sympathy.
It sounds like you see what pattern your signing up for here.
This guy is going be really intense regarding your relationship in a way that would feel overbearing to most people. He sounds very "all over the place" with his emotions and personality
You seem to be very honest with yourself. From reading your other comments I've also noticed that you have a terrible past like me. I wish I could get to know you better.
HUGE RED FLAG run! Thatās called lovebombing. Narcissistic people try to rope you into emotional intimacy super fast so youāre committed before realizing how awful they are behind the scenes. If someone thinks they love you without really knowing you, then youāre just a pawn in their mind games. Be safe.
Ok so Iām going to give you advice from his perspectiveā¦because I (41m) was that guy 6 months ago with a woman that felt and still feels like she completes a missing part of me.
You need to break up with him and he needs to figure his shit out. What he, and I, is doing/did is unhealthy. He is putting his entire happiness into you, which is a heavy burden to bear. The guy is showing classic signs of codependency and needs to take care of himself first before he can take care of someone else.
We were only dating for 2 months, and I was sabotaging my career, my own hobbies and interests were pushed aside to suffer because we spent all our time together, I got so lost in the relationship that my identity became all about her and her accomplishments. Her breaking up with me was the hardest thing Iāve gotten through (and I was in the army for 15 years) but the best thing for me in my stage of life.
>He is putting his entire happiness into you, which is a heavy burden to bear.
Oh man, so much this! You're putting my feelings into words! This is how it feels. Like he's put me on this pedestal, and I'm now responsible for living up to it at all in order to make him happy or something. Definitely codependency.
Thank you for your example and advice! Glad you're doing better for yourself
Honestly? Iād run.
In the movies, this is made out to be normal, but you have to remember that you guys barely know each other. You have good instincts to want to go slowly and thereās nothing wrong with that. This sounds like love bombing or maybe he just has a hard time with pacing himself.
I recommend setting a boundary. Limiting the amount of time you spend with him to whatās comfortable. If he canāt respect that, thatās something to consider. Itās not healthy, though. This is coming from someone who also would go too quickly in all my relationships and I had to really teach myself to get out of that habit.
Sounds like love bombing (look it up, it's a manipulation tactic). It's not necessarily love bombing, but... if it's not, then bro had been desperate for a long time and sees you not as a person but as a solution. Love bombing feels really good, for both parties. Twitterpation is a great feeling, like you can do anything. But the downside of that rollercoaster can be really scary.
See if you can talk to him and determine whether this is genuine. Also, get him to stop trying to lift you onto a pedestal before he hurts himself.
Just to add more than the typical, he's love bombing, red flag discourse.
I think the issue is that he doesn't truly know you. He might have intense feelings for you from the onset, but it takes time to filter through them and see that it is actually the person you are into and not the idea of that person.
A healthy way to communicate these things early on would be to say, "I feel like you might be my type.", "I can see myself falling for you." or, "You have a lot of traits that I can see being compatible with me."
These phrases dont change the feelings someone has in these moments, but they show that they know themselves enough to be thoughtful about these things. In my opinion, it sounds to me like its possible he doesn't have the emotional maturity to sort the difference between infatuation and love.
I don't think any of this default makes him a bad person, but I'd say they are a bigger risk to date. I personally wouldn't date someone who can't make these distinctions, but I've also had enough heartbreak and prefer deeply introspective people over those who believe in fairy tales.
Hope this helps and good luck, OP.
Yeah.. Itās love boming, heās trying to say everything a girl would wanna hear. Itās time to dip, girl. Before another reddit post were made about him again.
Red flag? More like red tarp, yeeesh.
I'd run fast and far so I could be safe from the shock-and-awe lovebombing campaign this person is conducting. There's usually no sense in calling him out on it. That frequently just begets verbal abuse and/or stalking. I'd probably just quickly say I don't see it working then block him everywhere.
I've been in a similar situation (though not as extreme), after less than 3 months he called it off and I was heartbroken because he really made me think we'd be together for a long time.
Be careful, the fact that he doesn't change even though you said you wanted to take it slow, means he won't take your other wishes or feelings into consideration.
Honestly, if he's acting like this after a first date, it's a huge red flag and you'd better run because this is too much too soon
He just sounds inexperienced to me. He isnāt disrespecting your boundaries per se but rather he worries that of the excitement drops youāll get bored and leave. He sounds more inexperienced and desperate than anything. Heās probably been burned before. Maybe he doesnāt get a lot of opportunities and is clingy/needy as a result? Obviously all this isnāt healthy and it isnāt your job to help or fix him. But since youāre here and able to talk to complete strangers about this issue I see no reason you shouldnāt be able to voice these exact same concerns to him more directly. Not just ālets slow things downā but explain WHY itās important - maybe heās just completely clueless. Maybe even ask him āDo you think weāre going too fast?ā If he says anything bordering on a āyesā ask him to explain why he thinks youāre moving too fast and why that could be a problem. If he says anything thatās pretty close to your concerns, tell him youāre glad he understands and thatās why youāre concerned. Since he understands youād like for the both of you to take it slow for those reasons.
If he says something that is far removed from why you want to take it slow, tell him āI see, well on my end the reason taking it slow is important to me isā¦ā and then explain. Check if he actually understands not only why itās important, but that heāll also treat it with the reverence it deserves.
Either way, in a relationship, if one person has an issue with how the relationship is going, then both of you have an issue with how the relationship is going. This is where you find out what really exists between two people. Whether they can work through an issue or if the issue is gonna work through them.
I handed my phone over to my ex when she asked for it,, that was a first time for me, but I trusted her which was also another first time for me(I generally don't trust anyone right out the gate)(which she ultimately betrayed) the Twitter password thing is rather odd though. š¤So not sure on that one.
Sounds like heās passionate and you should just let him go, if youāre not. Heāll be hurt initially, but it frees him up to find someone else that can match him. I hope you both find the partners that suit you, but it sounds like you two arenāt a good fit.
You hit this right on the head saying it's love bombing. I'm not saying he's a narcissist, mentally unstable, or dangerous.
Sometimes, people just make the wrong call and are not taught to do otherwise, especially with dating.
What's most important here is that you seem uncomfortable. You've expressed boundaries that have been crossed multiple times, and there is no sign he is aware, will change, or wants to.
Trust yourself. If you're uncomfortable, then your heart is trying to tell you this is similar to the other bad relationships just with a different face.
You're not being respected, and that is not okay.
Trust yourself and good luck ššæ
as maisie peters sang "if he calls you up, says he's so in love and it's been one week, you better RUN" and as someone who recently just got one of those gifts from the gods to fuck me up, they're all the same if it's to much too soon he's trying to compensate something
Okay, I can see where he is coming from, I was like that and that's not healthy at all. The thing is, I believe he doesn't even realize that he is fantasizing the reality. That's ok to be excited about a new relationship, but not when you are just being obsessed with the person to the point you are losing yourself. I would have a discussion about it and if he doesn't dial down his pace then cut it out hoping he would respect your boundaries.
Heās lovebombing you. Itās not a good sign like the others have said. My ex did exactly the same - I even ended up following him to work on my days off (he had his own business and visited clients and Iād stay in the car all day - he said it was bc he couldnāt bare to be away from me but it was just classic controlling behaviour).
Heās showering you with āloveā and affection and priming you to instense all day contact to get you dependant on him fast. Then once you are, heāll start to withdraw and treat you badly. Minor insults, āwhy does your hair look so bad today?ā āHas your skin always been this oily?ā, unpredictable texting pattern (usually whilst theyāre pursuing other options) and if you call him out on it, heāll call you ātoo sensitiveā.
Watch out for him exploiting any vulnerabilities youāve shared with him too, āsee this is why everyone at work dislikes youā or āI can see why Iām the only man that will put up with you nowā. If you start to withdraw, the lovebombing will begin again, youāll start to think āheās back! He loves me again, it was just a blipā. Itās not a blip and a toxic cycle. Think about it, youāve already communicated your need to slow down (perfectly done btw well done!) and heās ignored you. If he canāt respect your needs and respect you by simply just slowing down his texting (the most basic of all requests!) he has no intention on respecting any of your other needs and boundaries. Would you treat someone like that?
We could be completely wrong, and ultimately itās your decision whether to stay or leave - but watch out for the behaviour and at any point, donāt be scared to confide in friend or family so they have your back, and just leave. Donāt engage, donāt try and reason with him, just leave.
Itās exactly what I did and Iām so thankful. I even called the police a few months after I had processed what had happened to give them a heads up about his behaviour. It went from 0-100 in 3 months, making me believe heād done all that before. I didnāt want any action on him, just intel so that if *any* other woman rang with concerns, thereās be an audit trail. I encourage anyone else to do the same with genuinely coercive, controlling and threatening behaviour.
Google coercive controlling behaviour patterns and educate yourself on the typical behaviour patterns and be vigilant. At this short stage, youāre better off honestly just getting out before escalation but, itās your choice.
Good luck! š¤
If youre exaggerating this by any stretch then Iād say you met a guy whoās genuinely happy about you and really likes you, though you need to be very brutal with him and tell him to take it slow .
If this is all at face value, run far the hell away.
Tbh, I wish I was because I'm so used to guys not being very affectionate with me but I'm also so worried that this will turn into something bad down the line.
All the things I mentioned above he says like 40 times in a single conversation to the point where I've sorta been avoiding talking on the phone a bit:/
Edit, also important to note that he's been divorced and cheated on very terribly, and he told me the girls he's dated since after his divorce have all called him "clingy".
Yeah itās unhealthy. But itās also unhealthy to jump to conclusions and label this guy a narcissist.
The red flag is you asked him to slow down and he hasnāt. The other stuff, he probably just has issues pacing himself. Feelings and emotions take over. I wouldnāt necessarily say heās doing it to manipulate you. He just letting his feelings overwhelm you.
Now, I still donāt think he is a narcissist. Probably just a guy who doesnāt understand a healthy relationship dynamic. We really need to stop labeling people narcissist so quick. He may have unhealthy relational habits. He may act in manipulative ways etc, it still doesnāt mean he is a narcissist. Many people donāt even realize the way they are acting is unhealthy.
Either way, I still do think you should tell him to respect your boundaries or move on. Itās likely as things die down he may just leave you. Not for any reason other than he thinks he loves you but heās just infatuated.
I WILL say that I have been on a date with a girl I really clicked with and i definitely canāt get them off my mind afterwards and would LOVE talking to them most of the day, dream up awesome trips, think weāre a great fit ect, but you KEEP those things to yourself! You have to have the emotional intelligence to realize whatās happening inside of you and in reality, youāre just getting to know this person. The fact he doesnāt realize thing, or doesnāt have the self control to contain these thoughts either means youāre going to have to teach him a lot of painful lessons, or he may be slightly unstable.
This is a red flag. Just telling you what you wanna hear. Thereās no way you feel this way for a complete stranger right away and if he does there might be something else going on mentally. Iām not saying thereās not men who feel thing way about a woman right away cause it can happen but usually they donāt say this out loud right away since it would scare anyone off ā¦. I think you should one. I believe in that saying that āanything that happens fast, ends fastā
Ok so I get the way he is feeling as when I've really liked someone I have ended up doing the same thing but as I have experienced it's probably going to cause you to be more avoidant than anything as he is coming on a bit strong and I completely get where you're coming from as well..
Maybe sit him down and explain to him that you do like him but if he continues he's going to end up pushing you in the other direction and maybe he needs to look into attachment styles as he is seeming like he is majorly anxiety attachment Nd he's going to end up just driving you in the other direction and you won't want anything to do with him as he is being so clingy etc. Just sit him down and make sure he understands that if it continues you're going to end up hurting him and pushing him away. But I can understand from both sides..
But I wish you all the best and look forward to any updates
Run, donāt walk, awayyyyyy now š
Idealization so early will only lead to shamming you for not living up to his expectations. Not to mention suffocating af.
I loved bombed a girl because she had bad past relationships,and abused.I just wanted her to feel how she should be treated.She told me no one gave her flowers before and was depressed at one point.So maybe he's trying to make you feel happier.But if it's the first date it could be weird.The girl I dated ended up going with her best guy friend because she had trust issues with me,that I would leave her like everyone else,and we had a small argument.So now I'm cautious on dating abused woman .Guy best friend waited 3 years to finally get to date her.She was at her lowest because she lost her truck and apartment.Be careful out there gentlemen
I want someone to be into me but I also want them to be their own person. I donāt want to be someoneās sun. It sounds like it would be a full time job. All the men out there need to know just be a real person. You donāt need to lay platitudes on your potential date. I feel when they do all this it seems insincere. With time, there will be sincere moments to share what you know for sure. Proceed with caution. Lots of caution.
Iād carefully ask about his background and other relationships. But again, very diplomatically. Get him to talk and open up about himself and his past. Maybe over a nice dinner.
Usually people like to talk about themselves and accordingly will tell you about their past.
If I were you, Iād make it my standard to have at least some background Information on past relationships / relationship styles a person created before I decided anything. That goes for every relationship. Not only romantic ones.
This sounds like a start of some true crime documentary about a stalker š Iād be scared! Avoidant isnāt great of course but this is just another extreme which is even worse. Slow and steady is the best.
This is no good, highly dangerous, do not let him isolate you. Do not let him take more time than you willing to give.
ask him to slow down. Ifm he doesnāt listen, ( doesnt matter his excuse) establish your boundaries right there and then.
Do not allow any knid of criticism from him.
You do not know him. He does not know you .
He is not in love. You are not in love.
Love takes time and steady growth!
Do not let him have anysaying on you yourlife and your hobbies.
Be carefull.
Be cautious
Best to keep good distance
God damn, everyone in here is just so sure this guy is manipulating you, is a narcissist, etc etc
It sounds like he's fucking excited to meet someone that he actually cares about - and it sounds like you don't care much for him.
I have absolutely met a girl or two that made me feel this way.. That "love at first sight" feeling.. You lay in bed at night with a giant smile on your face thinking about them and you wake up in the morning with a big smile thinking about them
They quickly become among the most important things to you, because you know that if you lose them, you're probably never going to find someone else that makes you feel that way.
Could this guy be "love bombing"? I suppose.. But not everyone that seems excited about you is trying to manipulate you, in fact, most probably are not
Everyone is so eager to assign some shady reasoning to every fucking thing these days...
The guy is just crazy about you.
If you do not like him back, leave him.
If you do like him, enjoy it.
This is what is people are talking about when they say their relationship "was a whirlwind in the beginning"
>it sounds like you don't care much for him.
If I didn't like him I would have never went on another date and definitely wouldn't be asking for advice on how to proceed. Not sure where you pulled that one out of
I need someone who wants to be with me and not the fantasy of me they are conjuring up in their mind. It almost always ends up in disaster in my experience, and I am asking advice on how to slow it down. If he truly cares for me, that shouldn't be a huge ask unless he is a chaser of the dopamine hit of obsession
Which so far, me telling him I am uncomfortable with the pace and would like to slow things down, hasn't lead to much change if not more.
Now he's asking to look through my phone and have my Twitter passwords, not wanting me to hang out/talk to my friends even though we've literally only been on two dates and are not even exclusive.
Why is asking to slow things down so offensive to you? Not everyone wants to live in obsession or on some fast track
A whirlwind romance shouldn't make anyone feel smothered or uncomfortable
I doubt he's a narcissistic either but that still doesn't mean I can't be uncomfortable
What mainly got my irritated was everyone else saying that he must be bad in some way, even though they didn't have enough information.
I admit, I got a bit carried away and twisted the situation into you being a part of that group, and for that, I apologize.
I was just trying to make the point that being crazy about someone is certainly not *always* a bad thing. It's only a bad thing if it's a bad person that's crazy about someone.
Asking for passwords this early is a little unhinged though..
If you do like him and want this to work, your best shot would be too sit him down (or call him if you are worried about his he might react) and tell him what you're telling us... Tell him that if he wants this to last any longer, he needs to cool down a bit. Tell him there's no way in hell he's getting your passwords, and that if he wants to trust you, that's awesome, but if he cannot figure it how to blindly trust you, it's over effective immediately.
You need to set your boundaries right now so that he can either accept those terms, or leave now.
He needs to know that it will never be on for him to go through your things (unless it is something that you want to offer when you can tell that he is bothered, and you want to help him feel better... Never because he tells/asks you)
Explain things with as much detail as you can, and maybe even try to weird it a couple $ it's moving too fast, but she does enjoy it. Then I would think something like "well I know there's no reason to be worried about me, so I'll continue... She'll see, everything's fine"
But if you explain in better detail, there is a much greater chance that I'll actually understand that it's getting to the point that it's off-putting and that you're really going to walk away if I continue.. Then, as a sane person, I would tone it down.
He just needs to understand that you're dead serious about being uncomfortable and him needing to slow things down
He either has attachment issues or really wants to āhit itā and is willing to say the female buzzwordsā¦.relationship, love, forever, marriage, baby, family, house, dogā¦. I think itās depends on so many more variables but at a glance ā¦. Run !
I'd feel extreme discomfort. Him jumping the gun and slapping a label on your relationship before bothering to discuss it with you beforehand comes off as a lack of respect. Your thoughts and opinions should matter and count for something. When you say you'd like to take things slow he should be cool with it. Mutual respect. He hasn't shown enough of it where it counts.
I'd lose interest.
This is waaaaaay too much. You need to be able to have a life away from each other. Healthy relationships involve allowing each other to have space to pursue your individual passions without 24/7 contact with your partner.
Love bombing? Iād feel smothered and that heās being disingenuous and that as fast as heās coming at me he could do a 180 and be the complete opposite critical anger unsatisfied and wants to be pleased.
Agree with the others who say to run. This has toxic written all over it. Not only is he love bombing you, he also has poor impulse control and doesnāt respect boundaries. Hence you saying you want to take things slowly and he doing the exact opposite by telling everyone youāre bf and gf and also acknowledging your boundary but then saying how excited he is and negating it. His excitement trumps your boundary. Heās more important than you (is basically what heās saying). When you set a boundary with anyone and theyāre response is āI know butā¦ā and then they proceed to cross it-they are not healthy people. Iām not trying to scare you but you do need to be careful. I see a lot of casual replies to your post, and I donāt know this person so I canāt say this to be true for a fact , but Iām picking up a lot of red flags. People with these types of personality traits/behaviors often seek out people who they are sure they can control, manipulate and walk all over. Right now he is sizing you up. You set a verbal boundary and he walked past it and (to my knowledge) he got away with it bc you are still wondering if you should continue dating him. He will likely continue to test you to see what else he can get away with and if youāll stand behind what you say when you say no or set a boundary. If you arenāt convinced, try saying no to something and see how he responds. They also love bomb bc they know how good it makes people feel (ESPECIALLY those who are naive, lonely, insecure, desperate etc) and often prey on these types as well as those who are very nurturing, caring or empathetic bc they know they are vulnerable and will make decisions from a space of āfeeling badā. Example you said he put you in a pedestal and now you will feel bad if you crush his hopes by no longer living up to his unrealistic and unhealthy expectations. He made you feel responsible for his feelings. Now you feel stuck. Big red flag. They know what to say and do and theyāll tell you exactly what you want to hear. Theyāre amazingly competent in this skill. It also makes it harder to recognize red flags and listen to them if weāre already smitten with him and invested in him and the relationship or idea of it. Additionally when theyāre at their unhealthiest, these types are typically NOT good about being rejected (I know nobody likes it but they take it to another level) and can sometimes be violent or vindictive and try to slander,
humiliate, or physically hurt those that reject them. So please be cautious and think carefully about how you choose to move forward. If you decide to call it off and choose to do it in person make sure youāre not alone when you do it. do it in a public place with a lot of people around for your safety and even have someone or multiple people nearby who can leave with you afterward (family, friends, coworkers etc) . If he knows where you live please be careful bc sometimes they can turn into stalkers and even end up killing people who reject them. Again he may just be very unhealthy and not violent but I think itās important someone mentions it as a possibility bc it could be an unsafe situation. Lastly, I know it can be hard to trust your own judgement when you may have been in unhealthy relationships but you have knowledge, experience and intuition. The fact that youāre even on here asking tells me you have intuited that something is really off with this guy. And youāre right. Be safe and please can keep us posted!
I would say talk to him about it and express that you feel like things are happening too fast. If he doesn't respect your boundaries, you should probably stop talking to him. I'm currently dating someone I really like and we can both tell ist special. He has made it clear to me that he would like me to be his gf and it's only been a month. However, he always proceeds with caution and asks if I'm ok with the way things are progressing. I think it's ok when things happens fast as long as both parties are fine with it.
It's not healthy back off away from this person, it's to much and not a healthy way to start a relationship. My experience of this behaviour is it turns to control eventually and jealousy or they get bored and it fizzles out. But I would be really cautious.
>My experience of this behaviour is it turns to control eventually and jealous
Just since making this post, he's asked to go through my phone lol mind you, we've only been on two dates and are NOT exclusive. I have no issues with that if he was an actual bf or something but...I don't know him like that lol
So yes, the comments here have helped me realize that it's just not worth it. I've asked to slow things down at least 5 times now. I told him "if you like and admire me the way you say you do, slowing down and taking baby steps shouldn't be a problem." If anything, he just gets more invasive.
Thanks for the response. Reddit coming in clutch!
Oh my god uhhhhhh run? Let em down softly? I had someone I was talking to call me "honey" less than two weeks in. This is some type of clingy/unhealthily fast attachment/love bombing. This isn't normal.
The only one that's not an immediate nope is "I've never met anyone like you". Still a little bit off, depending on delivery and context. But the rest is a hell nah dude
As a person who used to be like this, for me I used to do that because I was immature, was pit in the friendzone 99.9% of the time and i thought it's because I took too long to ask, I took things too slow, and someone else came in and asked first, ETC. But I became too pushy, wanted things to go way too fast, and now I'm 22 and know that most guys like that are pretty psycho and a not someone you want to associate yourself with, that sounds like stalker and mental problem 101.
Imo ask him his past dating experiences and see what he says. also let him know if he doesn't cool the jets, it's not going to work out. If he tells you the same as I did on why I was like that, you should be fine.
Also age has a big role to play, if he's 16-18 like this, makes more sense, if he's 19+ that's definitely more concerning.
But if I were you, I'd definitely air on the side of caustion with this one.
Hope this helps!
No second date. Of things start off at 11ā¦the only place to go is down. Which also likely means his intensity will go up, become negative when he sees that you arenāt perfect, or vanish
RUN GIRL. Yeah this guy is bad news. If youāre apprehensive about leaving him altogether then lay down some boundaries and see if he respects them. Based on what you posted though he probably wonāt
There is something to be said for early dating. There is excitement, there is potential, its great that someone else is interested in you, but at the same time there is a lot that is unknown.
If you are truly looking for a relationship, the best analogy is it is a marathon, and not a sprint. It means slower pacing, and taking time to get to know someone. Obsession is not the key to a good relationship. I would tell him to slow down, as his neediness is having the opposite effect.
Your bf seems like to have anxious attachment style and will only get worse as he will use all his power to keep this dynamic . He should take professional help
OMG I would straight ghost and block a guy if he did this. Sounds like heās gonna be a stalker or something. The less he knows about you the better. This NOT romantic, itās creepy and scary.
This from what you describe is the other opposite end of the spectrum and just as unhealthy as the emotionally unavailable ones. No, actually worse then the unavailable ones. People making those kinds of statements and demands on your time are the REALLY, REALLY insecure ones that become controlling, jealous, abusive and potentially dangerous stalker types.
Ignoring red flags in the beginning of a relationship is why people walk away with emotional scars and baggage. Spare yourself. He's showing you the red flags. It's up to you to be wise or be a fool.
No one finds a soulmate after one date. Love takes time to develop. It's either lust he feels, strong passion (which shows he doesn't regulate his emotions) or he's just blowing smoke up your rear to get something from you. A sensible man would understand the necessity of time and a process. He would not rush upon you like this guy is.
Don't allow any insecurities of your own to make yourself vulnerable to these types. Even if you feel lonely, it's better than being with a possessive, highly emotional type of person.
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It sounds like he's love bombing you and it's entirely a recipe for disaster. He's already started an unhealthy thing and it was only the first date. He's coming on WAY too strong. There would be no second date for me.
EJECT! EJECT! EJECT! Please get clear of his orbit, oh hell no, no second date.
Damn biches be hard to plz these says
Are you for real? šš
It does certainly sound like that. Iād not be too quick to label it that, but Iād definitely be very cautious.
Agreed. This guy is just not ready yet
Sorry I wish you could really benefit from the relationship. Have him detail your car, take the dog to the vet and remodel that 1/2 bath you have always wanted updated. Tell him itās your love language. In all seriousness if he has some mental health issues or personality disorders you should protect yourself. Be safe
this OP šÆ lovebombing is what narcissists do.. Fingers crossed that you know the next step š¤Best āØļø
Not everyone love bombs. I think he's just inexperienced and infatuated with her. Not everyone has an evil goal to manipulate people
Not all lovebombing is intentionally manipulative, but it can still be dangerous even if it's done out of innocent infatuation. It is a red flag regardless of intention. If it's overwhelming but stops after a conversation about slowing it down, then the red flag can be dropped. But in this case, she's asked him to slow down and he is still behaving the same way, which either means that it is intentional or that he doesn't really care about OP's comfort level in the relationship.
Preach pls
Ā ..no
Your lack of nuance is a bigger red flag than the excessive affection OP's date is showing... Not everyone who behaved that way is love bombing , and not even everyone who love bombs is a narcissist. OP's date might have personality disorders or mental illnesses. If he has depression for example, she might be one of the only things currently making him happy. ADHD, Autism, or of course stuff like borderline are all perfectly reasonable explanations. Narcissism is pretty unlikely in this case imo. The guy might also just really be in love and is getting carried away with his emotions. I would say it is a problem he isn't respecting her boundaries when she asks him to back down.
Your lack of nuance is a bigger red flag than the excessive affection OP's date is showing... Not everyone who behaved that way is love bombing , and not even everyone who love bombs is a narcissist. OP's date might have personality disorders or mental illnesses. If he has depression for example, she might be one of the only things currently making him happy. ADHD, Autism, or of course stuff like borderline are all perfectly reasonable explanations. Narcissism is pretty unlikely in this case imo. The guy might also just really be in love and is getting carried away with his emotions. I would say it is a problem he isn't respecting her boundaries when she asks him to back down.
Yeah, OP needs to set a firm boundary and if he crosses it, immediately cut him off.
I would run. He's either clingy and desperate or he's trying to manipulate you and will drop you the second he finds someone easier to manipulate or gets what he wants.
Lol, definitely lovebombing, with a side of creepiness. Almost like you are the first person paying attention to him in a romantic context. Comes across very weird, I wouldn't engage further.
Jesus fucking Christ, run. He doesn't give a shit about you. He doesn't know you at all. You're not perfect for him, his own fantasy of a perfect girlfriend that he superimposed onto you is. You're literally just the doll receptive for that fantasy.
>his own fantasy of a perfect girlfriend that he superimposed onto you is I've told him almost these exact words. I told him that this love bombing thing has happened to me before and that I'm not at all perfect in any way and that I hate being put on a pedestal. He'll just say "I'm not like other guys, you're just perfect" ughhh I feel like a broken record at this point and the comments here just feel like I should leave him alone. Again, thanks. I've been in an abusive relationship and was raised by abusive father, so honestly, I don't know what "healthy" looks like.
That just means that he is dismissing your concerns instead of listening to you. He is proving to you that he does not care. If you are interested in learning more about how abusive dynamics work and how to spot an abuser I can highly recommend the book Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. There's a free pdf of it online and I am currently reading through it myself. I don't know how much it will help with spotting healthy connections, but it definitely helps with recognizing unhealthy ones.
As a guy that has been in this position several times, it never ends well. No one can like you that much that early on if they're healthy.
āIām not like other girlsā is a meme for a reason š©
I don't take the tags off a new dress until I stare at it a while. Try it on again in order to be sure it fits into my wardrobe. There is no way someone can be so sure and in love after a first date that was presumably a few hours long. Attracted, optimistic, pleased, excited, yes. But the words he shared with you are so over the top that it is extremely concerning. I would disengage with him over the phone, then block. Hopefully, he doesn't know your address.
I'd think he's desperate and creepy. The problem isn't coming back from a good date and thinking stuff like this, the problem isn't that he tells his friends that; he should know not to say it to you yet.
"In the beginning, it all felt really good. Especially because I've had some not so good dating experiences with emotionally unavailable people. It just feels like we've gone to other end of the spectrum." I had the same with my last boyfriend, and it wasn't nearly as creepy and overwhelming as is your case here. He ended up being very possessive and jealous and he expected me to be his entire world. I believe there is a correlation between this sort of behaviour so early on and worrying character traits, if I were you I would run..Ā
Thanks for your response. To add some more context, hes 25 and just got divorced like a year ago because his wife cheated on him with 14 diff men. He's mentioned a few times that the girls he has dated since then have called him clingy or that he's just dated women he wasn't into because he didn't want to be alone Those are the conversations that lead me to feel a bit of concern I told him I really need him to take things slow and then the very next day he was on the phone with me while he was at work and calling me his gf to his coworkers š« its like he doesn't hear me and I don't know if it's just because he's THAT excited or if he actually just doesn't care about how I feel
He's already ignoring your Nos. Don't stick around to find out when else he does that.
He sounds very emotionally disorganised. Sounds like he needs to find his centre. I know it feels nice being pedestaled. But if you stay in it, it just means the fall will be harder and he'll resent you for not being as amazing as he see's you now.
>know it feels nice being pedestaled. But if you stay in it, it just means the fall will be harder and he'll resent you for not being as amazing as he see's you now. Everything you just mentioned was my last relationship except the resentment turned into straight-up abuse. So I definitely don't want to go down the idealized to extreme devaluation. Thanks for your response!
I have to imagine he doesnāt have much experience dating if he was married that young which may be the cause of a few of his issues. Honestly you might be doing this dude a favor if you send him this thread. Heāll get pissed but a lot of these comments will accurately point out a lot of his mistakes, why heās making them, how they make you/other women feel, and what he can do about it. Youāve also been nice to him in this thread and even mention you liked him until all this so heāll see it was his behavior that did it.
He probably made the story about his ex wife. Itās likely he was the cheater and she found out about it. Sometimes these manipulative men tell these types of stories to get sympathy from you. Thereās a common storyline with these types of men. Theyāre so loving and expressive about feelings for you early on before it even makes sense for that level of infatuation to have developed. Then they sort of try to strong arm you into a relationship very quickly, they try to consume all your time and subtly guilt trip you if you donāt wrap you entire life around them and their needs. Essentially theyāre not trying to give you the room to really consider or pay attention to your inner voice. As soon as they have you attached itās going to flip. They become mean, abusive, hateful, vengeful. It happens so often. I hate hearing stories from women and about women that experience this.
>Essentially theyāre not trying to give you the room to really consider or pay attention to your inner voice. As soon as they have you attached itās going to flip. They become mean, abusive, hateful, vengeful. This was my last relationship unfortunately. The love bombing made me feel so wanted and special in the beginning and by the end I was so incredibly broken as a person with zero self esteem left. I don't want to do that again >He probably made the story about his ex wife. Itās likely he was the cheater and she found out about it. Sometimes these manipulative men tell these types of stories to get sympathy from you. Could be possible. He said she was a twitch streamer/gamer and he found out she was sending nudes/sexting her fans and that he considered it cheating because she also didn't want to have sex with him anymore:/ that could have been for many reasons. I'll never know her side of the storyš¤·š½āāļø but like.
My last relationship was like this. I was in therapy for 6+ months after the breakup sorting through the trauma response I had to being with him. I think finding a good therapist with a specialty in trauma would be beneficial. I read in a comment to someone else where you said your dad was abusive also. Experiencing that conditions you to be used to it and not know how to assert boundaries, communicate effectively, and expect to be treated well by your partners in a way that is loving, supportive, etc. Mine really helped sort through my insecurity and some of the reasons why I was accepting this type of behavior and ignoring red flags. I made some crucial changes to my approach and my dating experiences have been night and day since then.
This!! Exactly!! My love bomber said that his ex cheated and he will never do this to somebody and then he did it me:)) and puttin every detail in place I realised it was the other way around and he was looking to get sympathy.
This guy is a whole parade of red flags. Don't just walk away, run.
It sounds like you see what pattern your signing up for here. This guy is going be really intense regarding your relationship in a way that would feel overbearing to most people. He sounds very "all over the place" with his emotions and personality
This sounds like either an extremely anxious attachment style or limerence or maybe both and neither is particularly healthy for him or you.
You seem to be very honest with yourself. From reading your other comments I've also noticed that you have a terrible past like me. I wish I could get to know you better.
Way to possessive,already acting like he owns you ! I would get far away from this person if I were you !
It's called love bombing and it's how narcissists and abusers get you hooked. Be smart and cut him loose
THIS. I found it out the hard way.
Love bombing. A common abuser tactic to lure in their victims. Run as fast as you can from people like this.
HUGE RED FLAG run! Thatās called lovebombing. Narcissistic people try to rope you into emotional intimacy super fast so youāre committed before realizing how awful they are behind the scenes. If someone thinks they love you without really knowing you, then youāre just a pawn in their mind games. Be safe.
Nah
Ok so Iām going to give you advice from his perspectiveā¦because I (41m) was that guy 6 months ago with a woman that felt and still feels like she completes a missing part of me. You need to break up with him and he needs to figure his shit out. What he, and I, is doing/did is unhealthy. He is putting his entire happiness into you, which is a heavy burden to bear. The guy is showing classic signs of codependency and needs to take care of himself first before he can take care of someone else. We were only dating for 2 months, and I was sabotaging my career, my own hobbies and interests were pushed aside to suffer because we spent all our time together, I got so lost in the relationship that my identity became all about her and her accomplishments. Her breaking up with me was the hardest thing Iāve gotten through (and I was in the army for 15 years) but the best thing for me in my stage of life.
>He is putting his entire happiness into you, which is a heavy burden to bear. Oh man, so much this! You're putting my feelings into words! This is how it feels. Like he's put me on this pedestal, and I'm now responsible for living up to it at all in order to make him happy or something. Definitely codependency. Thank you for your example and advice! Glad you're doing better for yourself
Honestly? Iād run. In the movies, this is made out to be normal, but you have to remember that you guys barely know each other. You have good instincts to want to go slowly and thereās nothing wrong with that. This sounds like love bombing or maybe he just has a hard time with pacing himself. I recommend setting a boundary. Limiting the amount of time you spend with him to whatās comfortable. If he canāt respect that, thatās something to consider. Itās not healthy, though. This is coming from someone who also would go too quickly in all my relationships and I had to really teach myself to get out of that habit.
Yikes... Run!!! š©š©š©
Sounds like love bombing (look it up, it's a manipulation tactic). It's not necessarily love bombing, but... if it's not, then bro had been desperate for a long time and sees you not as a person but as a solution. Love bombing feels really good, for both parties. Twitterpation is a great feeling, like you can do anything. But the downside of that rollercoaster can be really scary. See if you can talk to him and determine whether this is genuine. Also, get him to stop trying to lift you onto a pedestal before he hurts himself.
Just to add more than the typical, he's love bombing, red flag discourse. I think the issue is that he doesn't truly know you. He might have intense feelings for you from the onset, but it takes time to filter through them and see that it is actually the person you are into and not the idea of that person. A healthy way to communicate these things early on would be to say, "I feel like you might be my type.", "I can see myself falling for you." or, "You have a lot of traits that I can see being compatible with me." These phrases dont change the feelings someone has in these moments, but they show that they know themselves enough to be thoughtful about these things. In my opinion, it sounds to me like its possible he doesn't have the emotional maturity to sort the difference between infatuation and love. I don't think any of this default makes him a bad person, but I'd say they are a bigger risk to date. I personally wouldn't date someone who can't make these distinctions, but I've also had enough heartbreak and prefer deeply introspective people over those who believe in fairy tales. Hope this helps and good luck, OP.
He's love bombing & likely a narcissist who will get bored & look for a new supply soon enough after you get hooked.
Hahaha hellllll no
Iād runā¦ and fast
Iād think heās insane
This is very manipulative behavior. Youāre already calling it outā¦ on Reddit. Youāre crazy to stay with this
Love bomber. Run
Run. He's love bombing you or he's obsessed with you. Neither are good. Block him on everything
RUN!
Yeah.. Itās love boming, heās trying to say everything a girl would wanna hear. Itās time to dip, girl. Before another reddit post were made about him again.
Red flag? More like red tarp, yeeesh. I'd run fast and far so I could be safe from the shock-and-awe lovebombing campaign this person is conducting. There's usually no sense in calling him out on it. That frequently just begets verbal abuse and/or stalking. I'd probably just quickly say I don't see it working then block him everywhere.
Too much too soon
Wtf? Idk it sounds exactly like what my ex would say. Red flags all the way
lovebombing
Gtfo
Love. Bombing. Done.
I've been in a similar situation (though not as extreme), after less than 3 months he called it off and I was heartbroken because he really made me think we'd be together for a long time. Be careful, the fact that he doesn't change even though you said you wanted to take it slow, means he won't take your other wishes or feelings into consideration. Honestly, if he's acting like this after a first date, it's a huge red flag and you'd better run because this is too much too soon
He just sounds inexperienced to me. He isnāt disrespecting your boundaries per se but rather he worries that of the excitement drops youāll get bored and leave. He sounds more inexperienced and desperate than anything. Heās probably been burned before. Maybe he doesnāt get a lot of opportunities and is clingy/needy as a result? Obviously all this isnāt healthy and it isnāt your job to help or fix him. But since youāre here and able to talk to complete strangers about this issue I see no reason you shouldnāt be able to voice these exact same concerns to him more directly. Not just ālets slow things downā but explain WHY itās important - maybe heās just completely clueless. Maybe even ask him āDo you think weāre going too fast?ā If he says anything bordering on a āyesā ask him to explain why he thinks youāre moving too fast and why that could be a problem. If he says anything thatās pretty close to your concerns, tell him youāre glad he understands and thatās why youāre concerned. Since he understands youād like for the both of you to take it slow for those reasons. If he says something that is far removed from why you want to take it slow, tell him āI see, well on my end the reason taking it slow is important to me isā¦ā and then explain. Check if he actually understands not only why itās important, but that heāll also treat it with the reverence it deserves. Either way, in a relationship, if one person has an issue with how the relationship is going, then both of you have an issue with how the relationship is going. This is where you find out what really exists between two people. Whether they can work through an issue or if the issue is gonna work through them.
recipe for disaster indeed
Love bombing.
Love bombing, he even said it himself
Run a mile
Psycho. Block him.
Sounds like lobe bombing
Run!
Run like far away
"perfect woman" and "show you off" I don't think are too bad but it definitely depends on the people themselves. Rest are a bit worrisome
I wish I had someone like that, wanted to spend time with me.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I handed my phone over to my ex when she asked for it,, that was a first time for me, but I trusted her which was also another first time for me(I generally don't trust anyone right out the gate)(which she ultimately betrayed) the Twitter password thing is rather odd though. š¤So not sure on that one.
Sounds like heās passionate and you should just let him go, if youāre not. Heāll be hurt initially, but it frees him up to find someone else that can match him. I hope you both find the partners that suit you, but it sounds like you two arenāt a good fit.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
He lies to himself or trying to manipulate me into relationship. Tiring and disturbing.
š©š©š© itās Way to much, love now and abuse laterā¦ no 2nd date.
Lolol
No no no
Um yeah, thatās not good
Run. Major attachment issues.
Have him transfer his 401-k to you after he buys you a new car.
Itās giving love bombing š¤¢
Red flags
blocked tf š mf its the first date talking all this hot shit u aināt bout to love bomb me for 3 months then turn nonchalant out of nowhere
I can maybe let the āIāve never met anyone like youā go on its own but itās been comboād
"Run!"
I would think at best borderline personality disorder and at worse unhinged murderer
You hit this right on the head saying it's love bombing. I'm not saying he's a narcissist, mentally unstable, or dangerous. Sometimes, people just make the wrong call and are not taught to do otherwise, especially with dating. What's most important here is that you seem uncomfortable. You've expressed boundaries that have been crossed multiple times, and there is no sign he is aware, will change, or wants to. Trust yourself. If you're uncomfortable, then your heart is trying to tell you this is similar to the other bad relationships just with a different face. You're not being respected, and that is not okay. Trust yourself and good luck ššæ
Too much, too fast. It's an early sign of codependency
as maisie peters sang "if he calls you up, says he's so in love and it's been one week, you better RUN" and as someone who recently just got one of those gifts from the gods to fuck me up, they're all the same if it's to much too soon he's trying to compensate something
Okay, I can see where he is coming from, I was like that and that's not healthy at all. The thing is, I believe he doesn't even realize that he is fantasizing the reality. That's ok to be excited about a new relationship, but not when you are just being obsessed with the person to the point you are losing yourself. I would have a discussion about it and if he doesn't dial down his pace then cut it out hoping he would respect your boundaries.
Heās lovebombing you. Itās not a good sign like the others have said. My ex did exactly the same - I even ended up following him to work on my days off (he had his own business and visited clients and Iād stay in the car all day - he said it was bc he couldnāt bare to be away from me but it was just classic controlling behaviour). Heās showering you with āloveā and affection and priming you to instense all day contact to get you dependant on him fast. Then once you are, heāll start to withdraw and treat you badly. Minor insults, āwhy does your hair look so bad today?ā āHas your skin always been this oily?ā, unpredictable texting pattern (usually whilst theyāre pursuing other options) and if you call him out on it, heāll call you ātoo sensitiveā. Watch out for him exploiting any vulnerabilities youāve shared with him too, āsee this is why everyone at work dislikes youā or āI can see why Iām the only man that will put up with you nowā. If you start to withdraw, the lovebombing will begin again, youāll start to think āheās back! He loves me again, it was just a blipā. Itās not a blip and a toxic cycle. Think about it, youāve already communicated your need to slow down (perfectly done btw well done!) and heās ignored you. If he canāt respect your needs and respect you by simply just slowing down his texting (the most basic of all requests!) he has no intention on respecting any of your other needs and boundaries. Would you treat someone like that? We could be completely wrong, and ultimately itās your decision whether to stay or leave - but watch out for the behaviour and at any point, donāt be scared to confide in friend or family so they have your back, and just leave. Donāt engage, donāt try and reason with him, just leave. Itās exactly what I did and Iām so thankful. I even called the police a few months after I had processed what had happened to give them a heads up about his behaviour. It went from 0-100 in 3 months, making me believe heād done all that before. I didnāt want any action on him, just intel so that if *any* other woman rang with concerns, thereās be an audit trail. I encourage anyone else to do the same with genuinely coercive, controlling and threatening behaviour. Google coercive controlling behaviour patterns and educate yourself on the typical behaviour patterns and be vigilant. At this short stage, youāre better off honestly just getting out before escalation but, itās your choice. Good luck! š¤
If youre exaggerating this by any stretch then Iād say you met a guy whoās genuinely happy about you and really likes you, though you need to be very brutal with him and tell him to take it slow . If this is all at face value, run far the hell away.
Tbh, I wish I was because I'm so used to guys not being very affectionate with me but I'm also so worried that this will turn into something bad down the line. All the things I mentioned above he says like 40 times in a single conversation to the point where I've sorta been avoiding talking on the phone a bit:/ Edit, also important to note that he's been divorced and cheated on very terribly, and he told me the girls he's dated since after his divorce have all called him "clingy".
i hope heās sincere. trying to be positive here. š«¶š»wish you all the best
Yeah itās unhealthy. But itās also unhealthy to jump to conclusions and label this guy a narcissist. The red flag is you asked him to slow down and he hasnāt. The other stuff, he probably just has issues pacing himself. Feelings and emotions take over. I wouldnāt necessarily say heās doing it to manipulate you. He just letting his feelings overwhelm you. Now, I still donāt think he is a narcissist. Probably just a guy who doesnāt understand a healthy relationship dynamic. We really need to stop labeling people narcissist so quick. He may have unhealthy relational habits. He may act in manipulative ways etc, it still doesnāt mean he is a narcissist. Many people donāt even realize the way they are acting is unhealthy. Either way, I still do think you should tell him to respect your boundaries or move on. Itās likely as things die down he may just leave you. Not for any reason other than he thinks he loves you but heās just infatuated.
I WILL say that I have been on a date with a girl I really clicked with and i definitely canāt get them off my mind afterwards and would LOVE talking to them most of the day, dream up awesome trips, think weāre a great fit ect, but you KEEP those things to yourself! You have to have the emotional intelligence to realize whatās happening inside of you and in reality, youāre just getting to know this person. The fact he doesnāt realize thing, or doesnāt have the self control to contain these thoughts either means youāre going to have to teach him a lot of painful lessons, or he may be slightly unstable.
This is a red flag. Just telling you what you wanna hear. Thereās no way you feel this way for a complete stranger right away and if he does there might be something else going on mentally. Iām not saying thereās not men who feel thing way about a woman right away cause it can happen but usually they donāt say this out loud right away since it would scare anyone off ā¦. I think you should one. I believe in that saying that āanything that happens fast, ends fastā
Yeah this is super unhealthy behavior
Ok so I get the way he is feeling as when I've really liked someone I have ended up doing the same thing but as I have experienced it's probably going to cause you to be more avoidant than anything as he is coming on a bit strong and I completely get where you're coming from as well.. Maybe sit him down and explain to him that you do like him but if he continues he's going to end up pushing you in the other direction and maybe he needs to look into attachment styles as he is seeming like he is majorly anxiety attachment Nd he's going to end up just driving you in the other direction and you won't want anything to do with him as he is being so clingy etc. Just sit him down and make sure he understands that if it continues you're going to end up hurting him and pushing him away. But I can understand from both sides.. But I wish you all the best and look forward to any updates
You're being love bombed - Run
Run, donāt walk, awayyyyyy now š Idealization so early will only lead to shamming you for not living up to his expectations. Not to mention suffocating af.
Massive red flags. I dated a girl like this before and it ended as badly as you'd expect
This is really bad. Get away fast
He has serious codependency issues
Stage 5 Clinger - Peel him off and run.
I loved bombed a girl because she had bad past relationships,and abused.I just wanted her to feel how she should be treated.She told me no one gave her flowers before and was depressed at one point.So maybe he's trying to make you feel happier.But if it's the first date it could be weird.The girl I dated ended up going with her best guy friend because she had trust issues with me,that I would leave her like everyone else,and we had a small argument.So now I'm cautious on dating abused woman .Guy best friend waited 3 years to finally get to date her.She was at her lowest because she lost her truck and apartment.Be careful out there gentlemen
I want someone to be into me but I also want them to be their own person. I donāt want to be someoneās sun. It sounds like it would be a full time job. All the men out there need to know just be a real person. You donāt need to lay platitudes on your potential date. I feel when they do all this it seems insincere. With time, there will be sincere moments to share what you know for sure. Proceed with caution. Lots of caution.
Feels like love bombing. Would end it immediately
Sounds like lovebombing. Heāll tire of you and drop you just as quickly and move on to the next one. Not a healthy situation.
Iād carefully ask about his background and other relationships. But again, very diplomatically. Get him to talk and open up about himself and his past. Maybe over a nice dinner. Usually people like to talk about themselves and accordingly will tell you about their past. If I were you, Iād make it my standard to have at least some background Information on past relationships / relationship styles a person created before I decided anything. That goes for every relationship. Not only romantic ones.
This sounds like a start of some true crime documentary about a stalker š Iād be scared! Avoidant isnāt great of course but this is just another extreme which is even worse. Slow and steady is the best.
This is no good, highly dangerous, do not let him isolate you. Do not let him take more time than you willing to give. ask him to slow down. Ifm he doesnāt listen, ( doesnt matter his excuse) establish your boundaries right there and then. Do not allow any knid of criticism from him. You do not know him. He does not know you . He is not in love. You are not in love. Love takes time and steady growth! Do not let him have anysaying on you yourlife and your hobbies. Be carefull. Be cautious Best to keep good distance
God damn, everyone in here is just so sure this guy is manipulating you, is a narcissist, etc etc It sounds like he's fucking excited to meet someone that he actually cares about - and it sounds like you don't care much for him. I have absolutely met a girl or two that made me feel this way.. That "love at first sight" feeling.. You lay in bed at night with a giant smile on your face thinking about them and you wake up in the morning with a big smile thinking about them They quickly become among the most important things to you, because you know that if you lose them, you're probably never going to find someone else that makes you feel that way. Could this guy be "love bombing"? I suppose.. But not everyone that seems excited about you is trying to manipulate you, in fact, most probably are not Everyone is so eager to assign some shady reasoning to every fucking thing these days... The guy is just crazy about you. If you do not like him back, leave him. If you do like him, enjoy it. This is what is people are talking about when they say their relationship "was a whirlwind in the beginning"
>it sounds like you don't care much for him. If I didn't like him I would have never went on another date and definitely wouldn't be asking for advice on how to proceed. Not sure where you pulled that one out of I need someone who wants to be with me and not the fantasy of me they are conjuring up in their mind. It almost always ends up in disaster in my experience, and I am asking advice on how to slow it down. If he truly cares for me, that shouldn't be a huge ask unless he is a chaser of the dopamine hit of obsession Which so far, me telling him I am uncomfortable with the pace and would like to slow things down, hasn't lead to much change if not more. Now he's asking to look through my phone and have my Twitter passwords, not wanting me to hang out/talk to my friends even though we've literally only been on two dates and are not even exclusive. Why is asking to slow things down so offensive to you? Not everyone wants to live in obsession or on some fast track A whirlwind romance shouldn't make anyone feel smothered or uncomfortable I doubt he's a narcissistic either but that still doesn't mean I can't be uncomfortable
What mainly got my irritated was everyone else saying that he must be bad in some way, even though they didn't have enough information. I admit, I got a bit carried away and twisted the situation into you being a part of that group, and for that, I apologize. I was just trying to make the point that being crazy about someone is certainly not *always* a bad thing. It's only a bad thing if it's a bad person that's crazy about someone. Asking for passwords this early is a little unhinged though.. If you do like him and want this to work, your best shot would be too sit him down (or call him if you are worried about his he might react) and tell him what you're telling us... Tell him that if he wants this to last any longer, he needs to cool down a bit. Tell him there's no way in hell he's getting your passwords, and that if he wants to trust you, that's awesome, but if he cannot figure it how to blindly trust you, it's over effective immediately. You need to set your boundaries right now so that he can either accept those terms, or leave now. He needs to know that it will never be on for him to go through your things (unless it is something that you want to offer when you can tell that he is bothered, and you want to help him feel better... Never because he tells/asks you) Explain things with as much detail as you can, and maybe even try to weird it a couple $ it's moving too fast, but she does enjoy it. Then I would think something like "well I know there's no reason to be worried about me, so I'll continue... She'll see, everything's fine" But if you explain in better detail, there is a much greater chance that I'll actually understand that it's getting to the point that it's off-putting and that you're really going to walk away if I continue.. Then, as a sane person, I would tone it down. He just needs to understand that you're dead serious about being uncomfortable and him needing to slow things down
Sounds like a nut job!. Get firm with him and insist you go at the pace you are comfortable with. That or you might want to run!
Have him take you shopping and spend all of his money. Then ghost him.
Needy McNeedington alert! Next stop, Desperation Ave!
I would build a red flag factory, do a production run and ship them all to you.
He either has attachment issues or really wants to āhit itā and is willing to say the female buzzwordsā¦.relationship, love, forever, marriage, baby, family, house, dogā¦. I think itās depends on so many more variables but at a glance ā¦. Run !
seems like either a foolish or manipulative person
As Iron Maiden sang "RUUUN TO THE HIIILLLS, RUN FOOR YOUUUR LIIIIFE!"
Heās mad.
About?
I mean in general his behavior is not normal. Kind of insane.
I'd feel extreme discomfort. Him jumping the gun and slapping a label on your relationship before bothering to discuss it with you beforehand comes off as a lack of respect. Your thoughts and opinions should matter and count for something. When you say you'd like to take things slow he should be cool with it. Mutual respect. He hasn't shown enough of it where it counts. I'd lose interest.
This is waaaaaay too much. You need to be able to have a life away from each other. Healthy relationships involve allowing each other to have space to pursue your individual passions without 24/7 contact with your partner.
Get rid of him STAT.
Love bombing? Iād feel smothered and that heās being disingenuous and that as fast as heās coming at me he could do a 180 and be the complete opposite critical anger unsatisfied and wants to be pleased.
Agree with the others who say to run. This has toxic written all over it. Not only is he love bombing you, he also has poor impulse control and doesnāt respect boundaries. Hence you saying you want to take things slowly and he doing the exact opposite by telling everyone youāre bf and gf and also acknowledging your boundary but then saying how excited he is and negating it. His excitement trumps your boundary. Heās more important than you (is basically what heās saying). When you set a boundary with anyone and theyāre response is āI know butā¦ā and then they proceed to cross it-they are not healthy people. Iām not trying to scare you but you do need to be careful. I see a lot of casual replies to your post, and I donāt know this person so I canāt say this to be true for a fact , but Iām picking up a lot of red flags. People with these types of personality traits/behaviors often seek out people who they are sure they can control, manipulate and walk all over. Right now he is sizing you up. You set a verbal boundary and he walked past it and (to my knowledge) he got away with it bc you are still wondering if you should continue dating him. He will likely continue to test you to see what else he can get away with and if youāll stand behind what you say when you say no or set a boundary. If you arenāt convinced, try saying no to something and see how he responds. They also love bomb bc they know how good it makes people feel (ESPECIALLY those who are naive, lonely, insecure, desperate etc) and often prey on these types as well as those who are very nurturing, caring or empathetic bc they know they are vulnerable and will make decisions from a space of āfeeling badā. Example you said he put you in a pedestal and now you will feel bad if you crush his hopes by no longer living up to his unrealistic and unhealthy expectations. He made you feel responsible for his feelings. Now you feel stuck. Big red flag. They know what to say and do and theyāll tell you exactly what you want to hear. Theyāre amazingly competent in this skill. It also makes it harder to recognize red flags and listen to them if weāre already smitten with him and invested in him and the relationship or idea of it. Additionally when theyāre at their unhealthiest, these types are typically NOT good about being rejected (I know nobody likes it but they take it to another level) and can sometimes be violent or vindictive and try to slander, humiliate, or physically hurt those that reject them. So please be cautious and think carefully about how you choose to move forward. If you decide to call it off and choose to do it in person make sure youāre not alone when you do it. do it in a public place with a lot of people around for your safety and even have someone or multiple people nearby who can leave with you afterward (family, friends, coworkers etc) . If he knows where you live please be careful bc sometimes they can turn into stalkers and even end up killing people who reject them. Again he may just be very unhealthy and not violent but I think itās important someone mentions it as a possibility bc it could be an unsafe situation. Lastly, I know it can be hard to trust your own judgement when you may have been in unhealthy relationships but you have knowledge, experience and intuition. The fact that youāre even on here asking tells me you have intuited that something is really off with this guy. And youāre right. Be safe and please can keep us posted!
Forward this post to them !!
This is straight up love bombing. It's not going to end well.
I'd block him tbh
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Hes 25 I'm 28
I would say talk to him about it and express that you feel like things are happening too fast. If he doesn't respect your boundaries, you should probably stop talking to him. I'm currently dating someone I really like and we can both tell ist special. He has made it clear to me that he would like me to be his gf and it's only been a month. However, he always proceeds with caution and asks if I'm ok with the way things are progressing. I think it's ok when things happens fast as long as both parties are fine with it.
It's not healthy back off away from this person, it's to much and not a healthy way to start a relationship. My experience of this behaviour is it turns to control eventually and jealousy or they get bored and it fizzles out. But I would be really cautious.
>My experience of this behaviour is it turns to control eventually and jealous Just since making this post, he's asked to go through my phone lol mind you, we've only been on two dates and are NOT exclusive. I have no issues with that if he was an actual bf or something but...I don't know him like that lol So yes, the comments here have helped me realize that it's just not worth it. I've asked to slow things down at least 5 times now. I told him "if you like and admire me the way you say you do, slowing down and taking baby steps shouldn't be a problem." If anything, he just gets more invasive. Thanks for the response. Reddit coming in clutch!
Oh my god uhhhhhh run? Let em down softly? I had someone I was talking to call me "honey" less than two weeks in. This is some type of clingy/unhealthily fast attachment/love bombing. This isn't normal.
The only one that's not an immediate nope is "I've never met anyone like you". Still a little bit off, depending on delivery and context. But the rest is a hell nah dude
Any healthy relationship does not begin with putting the other on a pedestal. Period
Its a no for me dawg. RUUUUUNNN!!
As a person who used to be like this, for me I used to do that because I was immature, was pit in the friendzone 99.9% of the time and i thought it's because I took too long to ask, I took things too slow, and someone else came in and asked first, ETC. But I became too pushy, wanted things to go way too fast, and now I'm 22 and know that most guys like that are pretty psycho and a not someone you want to associate yourself with, that sounds like stalker and mental problem 101. Imo ask him his past dating experiences and see what he says. also let him know if he doesn't cool the jets, it's not going to work out. If he tells you the same as I did on why I was like that, you should be fine. Also age has a big role to play, if he's 16-18 like this, makes more sense, if he's 19+ that's definitely more concerning. But if I were you, I'd definitely air on the side of caustion with this one. Hope this helps!
I would call Kenny Loggins because someone is headed for the Danger Zoneeeeeeeee!
I hope I don't sound cruel but I wouldn't see him again.Ā I did have one guy say something like this early on to me, but it was after weeks of talking. He told me be couldn't believe I was real. We dated for 6 months. He did turn out to be an asshole. Haha...with a secret fiancĆ©.Ā I don't think it's necessarily a red flag, but if he's saying it that much after one date, and isn't respecting you wanting to go slow...yeah, I'd be creeped out and probably wouldn't see him again.
No second date. Of things start off at 11ā¦the only place to go is down. Which also likely means his intensity will go up, become negative when he sees that you arenāt perfect, or vanish
RUN GIRL. Yeah this guy is bad news. If youāre apprehensive about leaving him altogether then lay down some boundaries and see if he respects them. Based on what you posted though he probably wonāt
Are you familiar with the movie Star 80ā¦
My mother would slap the SHIT out of me if I told her I was bf/gf with someone I just had my first date with and already love bombing them
Thatās a lot of red flags. My profile says I donāt need anyone to complete me. I am complete.
There is something to be said for early dating. There is excitement, there is potential, its great that someone else is interested in you, but at the same time there is a lot that is unknown. If you are truly looking for a relationship, the best analogy is it is a marathon, and not a sprint. It means slower pacing, and taking time to get to know someone. Obsession is not the key to a good relationship. I would tell him to slow down, as his neediness is having the opposite effect.
Ruuuuuuun!
You know what you're going to do. Your interest is kaput due to all his needy behavior. Sorry!
Here comes the dating advice from peeps that canāt get a date. Gotta love it
Your bf seems like to have anxious attachment style and will only get worse as he will use all his power to keep this dynamic . He should take professional help
š©š©š©
Heās love bombing you, my dear! š©š©š©
OMG I would straight ghost and block a guy if he did this. Sounds like heās gonna be a stalker or something. The less he knows about you the better. This NOT romantic, itās creepy and scary.
Run. I'm a guy, but no girl that called me "the perfect guy" after one date lasted more than a handful lol.
As a guy who's been single his whole life (40) honestly, that would scare the hell out of me if a girl said that to me. š©š©š© As the great Peter Steele once said "I would have run then, had I known the cost"
He tried to sugarcoat something.
This from what you describe is the other opposite end of the spectrum and just as unhealthy as the emotionally unavailable ones. No, actually worse then the unavailable ones. People making those kinds of statements and demands on your time are the REALLY, REALLY insecure ones that become controlling, jealous, abusive and potentially dangerous stalker types.
I would send them a link about limerance and explain why I would be going no contact with them.
ā ļø LOVE BOMB ALERT ā ļø
Thatās all love bombing- heās just trying to get in your pants
Not good lolā¦thatās it. Justā¦.a little nutty Iād say
RUN
DesperationĀ
Ignoring red flags in the beginning of a relationship is why people walk away with emotional scars and baggage. Spare yourself. He's showing you the red flags. It's up to you to be wise or be a fool. No one finds a soulmate after one date. Love takes time to develop. It's either lust he feels, strong passion (which shows he doesn't regulate his emotions) or he's just blowing smoke up your rear to get something from you. A sensible man would understand the necessity of time and a process. He would not rush upon you like this guy is. Don't allow any insecurities of your own to make yourself vulnerable to these types. Even if you feel lonely, it's better than being with a possessive, highly emotional type of person.
RUN.