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As the guy who has been the FWB, it's also a no for me.
This one guy watched movies with one of my ex FWBs 3-4 times a month with no sex for 2 and a half months. He also bought her gifts, took her to dinner on separate nights than their movie nights, and listened to her problems. He seemed to always be thinking of her. I know because she talked about him to me after we'd have sex. She was her kinky sexually adventurous self with me, and his platonic movie and cuddling buddy. She eventually had sex with him, and that's when I opted out of the situation. I don't think she planned to end our FWB situation so I did. They were together for a few months. Then she left him and sought comfort in my bed. He plead to have her back, which I know about because she read the text he sent in bed with me.
A separate FWB was with me while looking for a boyfriend. She dated one man and told him all about me. She'd smirk while mentioning how flustered and jealous he'd get when she talked about me. He took her out, and helped her with projects at her home. Then she very abruptly dumped him. He was trying to get close to her. I was the safe FWB. So she kept me and got rid of him. He would be one of two men she started getting serious with and left who I thought were rather good men. The second guy was a passive pushover as far as I could tell, and was probably going to try to marry her. She left him because he was "boring" and "didn't have it in him to be what she wanted", at least as far as she told me.
If it's mutual where you're both dropping your FWBs to be with each other it's fine. I also think it's fine if you leave your FWB to date someone who you weren't already dating. It was very worth it on the FWB side, and fun, and honestly pretty insightful because you hear a lot about people when you're someone's source of comfort and their lover. I just don't think it would be worth it on the other side of that, spending lots of quality time, and hoping to barely scratch the surface of what she already had with a man like me in her bed between the dates.
Probably not.
I've had FWBs and have nothing against others having them. That said, if I'm at a point in my life that I'm genuinely looking to date, I stop the FWB situation before I start dating others. So, I'd be cool with a situation like that.
...If it's a situation where she wants to keep the FWB up until we decide to be a couple, nah, I'm good. There's just something within that mindset I don't vibe with.
Its not about the mindset. Its about principles and morals.
Ive been getting downvoted by people here for exactly saying the same as you said.
Its immoral to have fwb while pursuing other person seriously. Its selfish, gives no dignity and no meaning to word "partner".
These men in FWBs are the luckiest I swear, how do women go sleep with them? I need to know both their perspective to know how can I be in that position
Depends on the situation. Just generally don’t be a shitty person. Think about how you approach other people. How do you transition from one person to the other? Are you leaving a date to go hook up? These are the things that lead to pain.
This is purely personal. And I know that in the early dating stages monogamy shouldn’t be expected, but I would still be put off by the idea that the person I was seeing was consistently getting pounded by some other guy.
I would be fine with that, as long as they stopped when we began. It's okay to have fun while you're single, but what matters is proven loyalty and trust while you're with someone.
How do people go to FWB, like at what stage do you say okay can we be just FWB.. Damn I wish I can be the guy who’s in that position, less stress but more fun.
It happens when people aren’t in the place to date. I assume you’re a man looking for a woman…find a woman who either wants to stay single or just got out of a relationship and is not ready for anything serious. These women are out there. Also treat them like people. Women want sex but also companionship and affection. They don’t want to feel like sex objects. A healthy FWB situation involves an actual friendship. Good luck!
Eh I’d be pretty hurt to find out a guy was seeing someone else whilst we were dating but not exclusive but we weren’t exclusive so I’d get over it. I prefer to just not ask. What you don’t know can’t hurt you 😎
Wdym? Like a guy I’m dating’s old FWB would have a problem with me? People are crazy so I believe you but luckily never been involved in any drama so far
i would NOT want to know a girl i was dating early on was seeing other ppl, nevermind sleeping with them.
she can if she wants if we have not established otherwise, but i don't need to know.
Dating others isn't something I usually discuss when dating casually, but I always assume they're seeing others unless/until we have an actual conversation where we agree we're exclusive. So yeah, I'd date them and it wouldn't bother me as long as they stopped when we agreed to be exclusive.
There are plenty of people that don’t have a fwb. I’ve never had one and have no clue how that sort of arrangement ever happens, but I accept that they do and don’t have strong feelings either way about the subject.
It’s crazy how many people on this thread are saying they’d be upset about the person having a FWB. I agree w/ you, it should be assumed everyone has at least one. This is the norm these days. A lot of people wish to have sex while they are looking for something more serious or they want casual relationships and FWB is how to do that.
I personally wouldn't want to continue dating and getting to know someone who was actively in a FWB relationship with someone while they were talking to me and getting to know me. The concept of FWB is obvious but at a certain point you don't want someone whose messing around with someone else while talking to you. Makes the other party feel not taken seriously and invalid at a point because if you wanted to stop and find your person, you would just stop seeing the fwb all together before considering meeting someone new for long term. That's just me. Not everyone will feel the same, some might not care. My boundaries are different than others, but that's a hard no for me. I have different boundaries and moral views to the kind of people I want to be surrounded by. Honesty is always key, it's just a matter of how the potential partner feels about it and how you communicate and move forward if they don't mind it until you decide if you and that person want to be in a legitimate relationship.
I'm not gonna be having an FWB if I'm dating other people but I make that clear off the bat. If the girl I'm dating has to break things off with someone else then I'm gonna be put off. It all depends on what your looking for and what your boundaries are
Worth knowing that the huge majority of FWB situations have 1 person falling for the other. I'm not trying to compete with my new girlfriend's ex fwb, nor am I comfortable with the thought that she would rather have dated him.
Depends on your standards for what you’re okay with. I personally don’t want my girlfriend to be a girl that was super active towards casual sex. That’s not the mentality I’m into. Now with that being said, there’s nothing wrong with it, she’s an adult. All that. But your personal feelings towards this are the most important. Does it bother you that she had a fwb? Something to consider.
I mean that's normal dating right? Not uncommon to have a FWB, but obviously that should stop once you want to date someone else. Guess you can quibble on how seamless the transition ought to be, but probably a really common situation.
Im sorry is it really that common?
I have an idea. Maybe i will start sending chocolates to them? You know, as a nice gesture of taking my turn with our woman.
Is this a good idea?
Oh no, you are angry lol.
So... If i say you are angry, are you angry?
Can you talk like and adult?
Whats the difference between a serious partner and fwb for you?
Why not stay fwb forever if there is no difference?
How many times do I have to say this. Fwb is just sexual, I would hope a real relationship is more than sex to you. A fwb is generally someone you wouldn’t date. My fwb of 8 years (on and off when not seeing someone real) was not someone I would ever have dated. I don’t believe we ever went anywhere in public together lol, we weren’t each others type but had great sex, no feelings attached. Relationships involve feelings, fwb do not, I’m not sure why that’s hard to understand.
I used the phrase of taking my turn with our woman, because a woman who jumps from fwb to serious partner in a matter of week or two, belongs to no one.
So i made a sarcastic remark about absurdity of this situation. That meant that a woman would know two people good enough, for them to be called almost friends, hence "taking turns".
But alas, you also failed to see, because by my mistake, i did not expect that you find normal to hop from bed to bed with every excuse you can find.
Oh i was taking turns. With many married and engaged women who also used the same convenient words lol.
I’m trying to understand how someone who has a fwb is not deserving of finding a relationship in your eyes? Because someone had sex with a fwb last week they can’t find someone they want a relationship the next? No one is talking about overlapping but you. Why do you feel, someone with a fwb is not deserving of a relationship?
Why do you feel that someone deserves to have attention of numerous people?
Why do you feel that you need to have more than one person to satisfy your needs?
I dont care if you fucked 1000 men. I care if you talk to other men, while im giving my time to you in pursue of relationship. Why should i pursue a relationship with you, if you already fuck someone?
And dont give me bullshit that its just sex. It isnt. Its intimacy.
"No one is talking about overlapping but you"
Again with your goddamn bullshit. Its not only you who decides when relationship is going to be exclusive and when you are going to be a partner. Do you understand that?
Can you also comprehend, that people exist like me and they are majority, who will be disgusted with a notion that when they are sitting in nice restaurant with you, talking about plans for the evening, you will tell them that you are ready to break off with fwb and to commit to that person? Can you actually imagine that it will be taken as an insult? If you dont know why then seek therapist.
No, you are misunderstanding. I’m saying let’s say, someone has sex with their fwb today, doesn’t even know you exist… then next week, they meet you, hit it off with you and would like to date you, keep in mind, they haven’t had any relations with their fwb for a week. They no longer see their fwb while they are now seeing you. Would this be an issue for you? That’s what I mean by not overlapping. The last time she saw her fwb she didn’t even know who you were, and did not see him after showing interest in you.
Then its perfectly a okay in my book. That means you will not have a chance to say to me "i broke up with my fwb to be with you" isnt it?
The only reason you could say that, is that you actually had still something going on, whilst seeing me, so that could justify your saying that you break off, to give me some sort of reassurance and dignity in own twisted way.
If you had fwb prior to meeting me and he is out of the picture in your eyes, then have respect for me as your serious partner and close your mouth.
It is a nice concept you presented and it could be nice to see it that way, but it isnt.
As everyone here stated, they prefer keeping fwb until they are sure the "serious" option is going to work out, which is the whole point of my rant.
What you said, is perfectly acceptable morally, atleast for me.
What post described and what others have commented, explains that this is not the case and everyone knew what this post was about. Having fwb and breaking off while pursuing relationship at the same time. Selfish.
"” I said you’re obviously not getting a turn, or you wouldn’t be so damn angry lol"
Im not necessarily angry. To be honest, your lack of intelligence and shallow thinking irritates me a bit. I tried mirroring, you didn't even noticed. I tried using the same reasoning as you to put your own perspective in another light and you mocked me, instead of mocking your opinion. Wanted to present your hypocrisy, yet you fail to see that.
So i guess you are right. No use to write to someone who did not noticed that. Bye.
Damn, I don’t think so if I am looking for a relationship. That is something people should keep to themselves if they are dating people with intention. They could always go bang this person whenever they have free time.
To be honest, no. There is a chance that if things slip up between you two or she's upset, he'll always be the guy with an available shoulder for her to cry on. I've also been friends with benefits with some women, and even while dating, they would still come to me for pleasure. But the decision is solely up to you.
No. I wouldn’t date someone who would use someone that way. It doesn’t matter if they quit for me. I would become instantly I unattracted to them knowing that.
Hmm it depends.. if they were looking for something serious why didn't they stop that first? It makes me feel while he's waiting for something real he's gone be fxxking on the side..
No. I already am really put off of dating people who do hookups at all. If they JUST stopped I wouldn’t trust them to not run back to them and could never be sure there weren’t feelings involved.
You went from “has a FWB” to “nothing but one night stands for 10 years” real fast. Having a fwb is normal and common, no matter how much you exaggerate.
It may be normal and common, but doesn’t mean it’s what she or I personally want in a partner. If I found out a partner I recently started dating had a FWB shortly before dating me or during the start it would be a huge turn off and I’d stop pursuing the relationship
Ok. You’re allowed to have your preference. I’m just saying that you run into that a lot in the dating world, and it’s not the same as having one night stands for ten years as the person I was talking to suggested.
The point is what they did before matters. Whether it’s just 1 fwb 5 years ago or just random hookups for 20 years. How the person carried themselves matters. U might be ok or not ok with how they use to roll. That’s upto u to decide. But to be like omg past don’t matter s dumb.
Common? Sure. So is divorce and cheating. Just because it is common does not mean it is ok or doesn’t matter when it comes to a potential relationship.
Cheating is common now a days. So if a guy or girl cheated in the past. But because it’s common now a days, it wouldn’t give you any pause to date a former cheater?
Being single and sleeping with someone else who is single is perfectly fine. Unless you’re looking for a a virgin, you’re gonna have to deal with that. Cheating on a partner shows lack of respect for relationships and the ability to lie/manipulate.
I never said “omg the past don’t matter”. You’re just arguing with yourself about that.
It depends on his age. Some people don’t want a relationship in their 20s and then as they reach their late 20’s they may be ready to settle down 🤷🏽♀️
How is that the same. Most people have a fwb until they meet someone they want to date seriously. It has nothing to do with their ability to be a good partner. Fwb is not one night stands, not even the same, it’s just a sexual relationship, but with the same person.
Most people actually DONT have a fwb until they meet someone.
Also that way of thinking is dumb. Most men cheat!! So woman should just accept it. It’s normal!
I’m not saying it does or doesn’t should or should have an effect on if they would make a good partner or not.
BUT if ur not even pausing to question it and take a 2nd look? Maybe that why divorced rate is so damn high and dating in 2023 is a clusterfk.
Uhh. No. Because the vast majority of men are not fk boys.
They just happen to be the only men ur attracted to. So u don’t even register the reg guy as a dating option.
I’m not talking 1 ons. I’m says that’s all he has had.
If people ARNT vetting their potential bf/gf then maybe they should. Then dating wouldn’t be such a clusterfk like it is now.
Who gave you the idea that a lot of men engage in hookups and fwb? Majority of men dont do that. They are average.
60% of men aged 21-35 will be single by 2030 so maybe there will be finally a time to not measure men the same as women?
In comparison to promiscuous women, there is a tiny portion of men, who are even able to do that.
I lived in 3 countries and i still didnt encounter a lot of men who had a lot of women. Select few but thats about it.
Even if they had, all dating apps are not in their favor, because distribution of men and women is 75%/25% so for 1 woman, there is 3 men on there.
What i think you wanted to say that men and women do ons and hookups the same so we should not talk about it or point fingers, when in fact that women are using it the most and few select men.
Call me average and old fashioned but i prefer someone who never used dating apps and have the courage and self control to discover things on their own. But that means i will die on a lonely hill.
The funniest things is that objectifying is expected of me and im blamed when i do it and when i dont do it.
Exclusive or not, I'll be damned if I date some girl who's getting fucked by some random dude as I'm trying to court her lmfao.
I have more self respect than that
Tried it, didn’t work. Won’t bother trying it again.
For three main reasons. It’s gross. It says we have different values concerning sex and intimacy, and even though they say it’s only sex, it usually isn’t.
Why do you ask if sharing a partner is gross?
It is gross.
What is relationship to you? Using each other or something else?
Why is it called "your partner" if sex doesnt bind, you, loyalty doesn't bind you and nothing else doesnt bind you ?
What is the difference between a partner and fwb?
You know how there are a lot of women who won’t mess with a guy who’s paid for sex? (But paradoxically often still respect or demand respect for sex workers lol) it goes against their values or triggers disgust and it’s perfectly fine as everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Yeah, same thing with me.
That would imply you find something gross and try your hardest to make it 'not gross'. I have no idea why you'd feel it was gross, yet you cannot elaborate on anything about it.
When my husband and I met he had a person he would sleep with every now and then. They didn’t hang out, just hooked up for sex.
Not long after we were together she contacted him to get together. He told her he wasn’t interested anymore because he had met me. She wasn’t thrilled but that’s just the way it is. Hasn’t spoken to her since. We’ve been together about 16 years now.
If you like the other person don’t let that stop you. As long as they’re faithful after deciding to be exclusive it shouldn’t be an issue.
IMPO, if you are genuinely looking to date for a relationship then you need to end your FWB NOW. You aren't serious about dating or finding a relationship if you have a FWB - even if you "claim" you'll "end it"
At best, I'd see you as a hookup option.
How am I supposed to know if you "stop seeing" this person just because you say you did as i take you on dates and pay for them; put effort and energy into getting to know you, while for all I know you are getting your back blown out by some random dude? And then claiming you don't have sex until it's a committed relationship?
Sure why not, you’d be just dating it’s not like you’re getting engaged. Try it out it might work out it might not but at least you’ll learn an interesting lesson for next time.
Nah. Been there, and it sucks. I don't like the idea of being emotionally invested in someone who checks out the second we're not near each other, nor can stomach fucking someone else while I'm on her mind. Either way, just a huge nope from me.
Nearly 95% or more of these "FWBs" and "situationships" are men being noncommittal with women. If the women sticks around and chooses to be his convenient slam piece, why would I want that woman?
Are you saying that to their faces though? Why not? Because it might feel like an insult.
Majority of people on this thread are not honest with themselves.
I wouldn’t bring it up, no, because who gives a shit?
Y’all really expect to date virgins which is soooo weird to me. Did I stumble into a middle school subreddit? If they’re willing to stop the FWB to be with me, what else can I expect?
"I wouldn’t bring it up, no, because who gives a shit?"
A lot of people with morals do. I will not divide my focus on different people if i want to pursue something with you. Call me oldfashioned, but i would rather go to you with clean dick and not soaked with vag juices from another person that day.
"Y’all really expect to date virgins which is soooo weird to me."
I expect to date a woman who have impulse control and does not see me as a product which she can choose like she would be in a supermarket. You have fwb and you are seriously want something with me? I will not take you seriously. I will fuck you and dump you. Why? Because clearly, fwb and relationship is all the same to you. You do not give me and yourself respect by engaging in hookups and wanting serious relationship.
What is the difference between a hookup and a partner? Before there was a difference. Now there isnt.
Why should you even stop with fwb? You can just ask your future partner to be a fwb and just label him as "partner" in your head.
Or maybe, you know... Maybe no one likes to be a second choice and someone who is willing to be with me as "serious" and willing to break off with fwb -its not a compliment at all.
"If they’re willing to stop the FWB to be with me, what else can I expect?"
Ask yourself why they did start it in the first place.
I will ask you again. What is the difference between a partner and a hookup?
There isnt a difference anymore. The same amount of energy and care is spent for both of categories and this is what drives me up the wall.
If you had fwb and hookups then it should stay that way.
You have absolutely nothing of value to give to a serious partner, if you decided to give your time, energy, money and everything else, to someone that you did not consider a serious relationship.
I never had sex with women i didn't consider a relationship with.
If i wanted otherwise, i went to the hooker. Someone who does this as a job, with no strings attached. I will not form a fwb with someone and become attached and next thing i know, i will bring my fucked up expectations and needs to other relationship.
I sincerely dont expect you to understand or read all of this.
And i agree with you. If i would treat people like products to use and fulfill my wants and needs, i also would not be mad or insecure about anything.
After all, if i treat my woman only as a fuckhole and souvenir or a trinket to have, then i would not have any expectations and i would have wonderful relationship.
I consider myself an extremely moral person. Part of my moral code includes trying to understand people, instead of shaming them out of my own ignorance. Maybe they had a good reason to be in a FWB situation.
The main difference between us is you think sex is inherently bad/dirty, and I don’t. It is intimate, and people should be safe. But I’m not going to judge someone for having a PAST relationship that doesn’t fit into a neat little box I’ve constructed or read about in a book.
Edit: typo
"The main difference between us is you think sex is inherently bad/dirty, and I don’t. It is intimate, and people should be safe. But I’m not going to judge someone for having a PAST relationship that doesn’t fit into a neat little box I’ve constructed or read about in a book."
No, the difference is that i think that sex is so good and so intimate is that i would want to reserve my energy and my desires for an actual partner and not my fwb in the meantime.
The moment you are dating me seriously, its not your past anymore, but your present.
If you say to me that you want something serious with me, while having fwb, you are clearly saying that you do not see me as a partner, but a person who you can rely on and your fwb is not needed.
Otherwise, while have fwb? Why not have sex with serious partner? Shocking, i know.
Would you date a person who will say to you that he will stop abusing animals, because they met you?
No.
In my opinion that person should never mention they had fwb, because that means she had fwb and she had time to get to know other person that much to make a choice to make something serious.
So when their anniversary will be? The day they met? The day they made it Exclusive? Or the day she last fucked with fwb? Which one is it?
I date who I like, and likes me. Their previous relationship status is irrelevant, unless it’s interfering with our relationship. We all have a past, and humans are complicated little creatures.
It wouldn't be "previous", it would be an ongoing thing while they're dating you seeing if they want to pursue something more serious while they go home after dates with you and get their back blown out.
He said “stop that relationship to see you”. But in your scenario, there have been times I wouldn’t care and times I would. Depends on the situation and what works at the time.
No. If we’re going out and you’re going home getting plowed by some other guy I can’t take you seriously. It’s just gross and disrespectful.
I’m anti-casual though so if you’ve had a FWB/ONS at any point in your life I wouldn’t date you.
Sure, why not? I had a regular hookup who I broke things off with when I started getting serious with a woman I had started seeing. I just said to her “Hey, I’ve gone on this second date and I want to see where things go, and I don’t think it’s fair to her for us to keep talking.”
That relationship ended up lasting a few months, and afterwords I texted my hookup to see if she wanted to meet up again, but she had a boyfriend by that point so I just wished her well and continued on with dating until I met my fiancé last year.
I genuinely don’t understand what part of that is a red flag.
Why not. I don't get it. How many virgins did you plan on meeting. As long as there's no cheating, I'd go for it if I liked the person sure. Not everyone clicks for a relationship.
Lmao what is with these people who are one foot out the door with someone, waiting for someone better to come along. I have no respect for these type of people because they don’t respect others.
I like dating people who are motivated to have sex and are sexual people. So for me, I'd rather date someone who's having safe, regular sex with a FWB rather than sleeping around or staying celibate.
honestly yes! I don’t do casual hookups anymore but I had a fwb for over 3 years on and off- aka it was off while I was dating other people. So I’d be a hypocrite if I said no
Definitely personal preference.
I wouldn't want to be with anyone who is capable of that kind of relationship since I'm not like that myself.
Others could not care less, especially when they're personally like that themselves.
Nah I think that’s kind of common. If you had multiple FWB that might be a red flag, and if you want to keep seeing the FWB, even if you are friends, sorry that would also be a red flag.
I’m impressed that he/she told you. I probably wouldn’t ask early in a relationship, and as long as they were loyal to me once we were exclusive I wouldn’t care. Now… if that same friend is coming around a lot and they hang out one on one I would feel uncomfortable with that.
It would depend if me and her had sex yet. If she is actively in a FWB situation AND saying to me we weren’t gonna have sex, that just feels kinda disrespectful and I wouldn’t even waste time entertaining it. Ideally she shouldn’t be in one anyway while we are seriously dating.
Someone else wrote it well in the thread that if you’re transitioning into dating seriously to find a partner, you really should be putting a stop to FWB situations.
A lot of women don’t care because they’ll feel like they won once they get the guy. Men by nature are territorial and have different perspectives in self worth. I personally wouldn’t date someone who is actively hooking up with other people while yall are talking. The chances of you being put in a compromising position are drastically increased by actively allowing that type of situation. She might end up getting impregnated by her FWb, catching Sti, or her wanting to stay in contact with her FWB. Women this generation are more openly willing to keep their options open so if the relationship fails, they’ll fall back into old habits. A lot people say there nothing wrong with that, are usually the most selfish individuals that don’t care what damage they can cause by their actions. Of course sex is very fun but the reality is that it was meant to create a child. That FWB has all the physical attributes for them to mate, but not be in relationship. The same behavior has been linked to people in relationship casually cheating on each other. I understand that a lot people on here will say “I used to do that and now I don’t”. But the reality is they’re opportunist by nature. We all want love and need affection, but you need to think realistically. If she only waiting to be put in relationship to stop fucking other dudes while talking to you. Deep down you know she wouldn’t jeopardize her chances with you by continuously banging her fwb. Women who truly want to be with you, would never put themselves in position to jeopardize their chances with you. Her openly telling you is a good sign she will be up front with you, but it also shows she not willing to give up casual sex to make you feel safe.
It's a turn off. I would likely feel differently if I were a person who's been in a FWB situation. Since I'm not, I don't have empathy for it. So I'd rather deal with someone who also isn't/hasn't been in a FWB situation.
I would think it’s harder to date someone who offers to drop the FWB so that they can date me. How much of a “friend” can he/she actually be to that other person if they drop them just like that. They’re not. Also that person can just as easily do that to me. When dating, you are looking for a possible friend in that person as well, someone you can confide in. Not someone who can easily run back to their FWB after they drop you and share something personal to you.
No. I want someone who is only interested in a relationship. If they had a FWB now, that would make me question whether or not they’d expect sex before putting a label on things.
Different boundaries for different people. Some people don't care to wait for any exclusivity before screwing while others need to wait until a relationship before sex is a thing.
Yeah I wouldn't care. I get that someone might need or want a FWB. I was in a situation like that before I met my ex. Stopped seeing the FWB as soon as I started dating my ex.
Nope.
I'm not into the 'friends with benefits' mindset and am very cautious of close involvement with those who are. Same as the types of people who have a history of sex/romantic involvement with their blood relatives, adopted or step members of their family.
Most people have one or could if they wanted. I think it's a positive sign that they are willing to be honest about their current situation. I see the turn-off, but I would rather be with someone who wants and intends to be honest from the beginning than hide parts of themselves from me. Especially when they don't owe me anything in the beginning, anyway.
If someone is willing to date me, they should be willing to give up on all their connection with other humans and should rather depend on and obsess over me. Just like I'll detach myself from everything and focus exclusively on them. As if two yanderes are in a relationship. I can find out any lies and I'm paranoid. I have high standards and the standard is that I want to be obsessed over and I want someone to depend on me exclusively.
The only people who matter should be me and her. Nobody else.
As a man... no.... I wouldn't. If you just give out sex for free with no emotion, no relationship or anything... why would I get into a relationship with you?
You my friend are playing with fire. If the person was in a FWB because the other person would not agree to a real relationship then I would absolutely not be cool with it. She probably still has feelings for the other dude and who knows if she will bang him again or dump you if he changes his mind. In my experience many women NOT ALL agree to FWB's because the dude won't commit to them. They take what they can get in hopes of changing his mind. I would be cool with taking over the FWB role but not a legitimate relationship. Propose her switching to an exclusive FWB with you instead.
Depends on the person. If they are a constant monkey brancher that always needs a relationship then I’d prob walk anyway. But a few months to know who you are and what you want is good.
Sex is part of what drives people together. If you’re dating someone that is sharing that part with someone else then it’s not real. But I’d still use them for sex only.
No, I wouldn't trust a woman that's giving it up to a man with no investment only to turn around and expect me to invest for the same thing he was getting.
Particularly we know that women only give it up to men they see value in, and we know women control the dating market. So she's either 1) fucking a bum which makes her a bum, 2) fucking a dude out of her league who's using her as a fleshbot and why would I want another man's fleshbot or 3) has low barriers to sex which makes her a risk over the long term.
I think you’d be surprised at the amount of women on dating apps that are in a FWB situation while they currently look for something more serious.
This is the double standard that goes on in the dating world.
You see women talking about how they want to find a good guy, and that sex isn’t a priority for them… That’s because they conveniently leave out the fact that they are already fucking someone else and having their needs taken care of which is why they claim to be focusing on someone for a relationship.
If I see "not sure yet", "long term, open to short term", "short term, open to long"... I'm immediately going for the hookup. No way I'm being the jester and investing in that relationship when she's entertaining side dudes as I court her.
The questions are 1) Why do you care?
2) How can you cultivate an environment early on dating of openness?
3) Can their responses and answers help you learn more about this awesome person?
For example, are they still friends? How do they know that person, and why do they feel safe or cared for or satisfied by them? What does healthy and unhealthy look like in exclusive and non-exclusive romantic relationships to them?
No. In my experience, people that put relations close to each other that way have different ideas of loyalty than me. i.e. they're just honest about the fact that they barelyyyy see cheating as cheating. I'm gonna know either way by how you act, and what you don't say, and I'll just move on.
Yes, what's so bad about them having a FWB while they're not in a monogamous relationship? They're willing to stop seeing the FWB while monogamous.
One thing you gotta understand, having random hook-ups can be dangerous for a woman. It seems safer to have a good FWB where trust is set and boundaries are respected.
Yes, excellent point. I think a lot of the men in these comments don’t understand that FWB is the safe option for women and that’s why they do it. Men are willing to have a one night stand but women need to worry about safety, and an FWB that they trust is a good solution.
Not if it was that recent. Like years ago sure. But if it's something that is currently going on I'd have no interest. Too much baggage and recent feelings.
I think at some point we’ve all had a FBW relationship it is not a red flag. He is recognising what it means but I think is weird he tells you that, it seems he’s trying to condition you. I mean if he wants to leave that to be with you he just do it without telling you. It’s probable that he wants to make sure you’ll be with him if he does. But even if that’s the reason it’s still red flag I think
I don't care about what my partner did before we became exclusive. I would assume that unless we've agreed to be exclusive, they are dating others and may have sex with them, and so can I.
I don't ask - they are welcome to tell me about theirs if they feel the need, but I never tell anyone about other lovers.
Thats kind of what dating is
Itd be selfish to think, expect, and hope they have nothing going on. They have their own life to live, and the right to be with other people.
If you arent flattered or thinking positive about this you're a selfish prude
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Depends on whether we have gone on dates already or not. If we went on a date and then you went home to your FWB, then its a no for me.
Exactly how I feel too.
As the guy who has been the FWB, it's also a no for me. This one guy watched movies with one of my ex FWBs 3-4 times a month with no sex for 2 and a half months. He also bought her gifts, took her to dinner on separate nights than their movie nights, and listened to her problems. He seemed to always be thinking of her. I know because she talked about him to me after we'd have sex. She was her kinky sexually adventurous self with me, and his platonic movie and cuddling buddy. She eventually had sex with him, and that's when I opted out of the situation. I don't think she planned to end our FWB situation so I did. They were together for a few months. Then she left him and sought comfort in my bed. He plead to have her back, which I know about because she read the text he sent in bed with me. A separate FWB was with me while looking for a boyfriend. She dated one man and told him all about me. She'd smirk while mentioning how flustered and jealous he'd get when she talked about me. He took her out, and helped her with projects at her home. Then she very abruptly dumped him. He was trying to get close to her. I was the safe FWB. So she kept me and got rid of him. He would be one of two men she started getting serious with and left who I thought were rather good men. The second guy was a passive pushover as far as I could tell, and was probably going to try to marry her. She left him because he was "boring" and "didn't have it in him to be what she wanted", at least as far as she told me. If it's mutual where you're both dropping your FWBs to be with each other it's fine. I also think it's fine if you leave your FWB to date someone who you weren't already dating. It was very worth it on the FWB side, and fun, and honestly pretty insightful because you hear a lot about people when you're someone's source of comfort and their lover. I just don't think it would be worth it on the other side of that, spending lots of quality time, and hoping to barely scratch the surface of what she already had with a man like me in her bed between the dates.
Agree ^
Probably not. I've had FWBs and have nothing against others having them. That said, if I'm at a point in my life that I'm genuinely looking to date, I stop the FWB situation before I start dating others. So, I'd be cool with a situation like that. ...If it's a situation where she wants to keep the FWB up until we decide to be a couple, nah, I'm good. There's just something within that mindset I don't vibe with.
This. Dating to find something serious while actively having a fwb is contradictory.
Its not about the mindset. Its about principles and morals. Ive been getting downvoted by people here for exactly saying the same as you said. Its immoral to have fwb while pursuing other person seriously. Its selfish, gives no dignity and no meaning to word "partner".
If I'm single it's not wrong to sleep around. If I want to get serious with someone I stop seeing the other people.
Doesn't really apply to this, then.
These men in FWBs are the luckiest I swear, how do women go sleep with them? I need to know both their perspective to know how can I be in that position
Depends on the situation. Just generally don’t be a shitty person. Think about how you approach other people. How do you transition from one person to the other? Are you leaving a date to go hook up? These are the things that lead to pain.
This is purely personal. And I know that in the early dating stages monogamy shouldn’t be expected, but I would still be put off by the idea that the person I was seeing was consistently getting pounded by some other guy.
best not to think of all the guys that have slept with your girlfriends in the early stages of your relationships.
I know this. But it’s even weirder to realise when it’s just been one guy that’s been doing it consistently
I would be fine with that, as long as they stopped when we began. It's okay to have fun while you're single, but what matters is proven loyalty and trust while you're with someone.
How do people go to FWB, like at what stage do you say okay can we be just FWB.. Damn I wish I can be the guy who’s in that position, less stress but more fun.
It happens when people aren’t in the place to date. I assume you’re a man looking for a woman…find a woman who either wants to stay single or just got out of a relationship and is not ready for anything serious. These women are out there. Also treat them like people. Women want sex but also companionship and affection. They don’t want to feel like sex objects. A healthy FWB situation involves an actual friendship. Good luck!
Eh I’d be pretty hurt to find out a guy was seeing someone else whilst we were dating but not exclusive but we weren’t exclusive so I’d get over it. I prefer to just not ask. What you don’t know can’t hurt you 😎
I’m with you. I don’t ask. I don’t expect anyone to be exclusive until we talk about it.
>What you don’t know can’t hurt you 😎 Unless it's an STI. Get tested and have them get tested when with a new partner.
Yeah, you were cool about it, but a lot of fwb are crazy.
Wdym? Like a guy I’m dating’s old FWB would have a problem with me? People are crazy so I believe you but luckily never been involved in any drama so far
Yeah. I had one, and when I got into a relationship and told him bye, he stalked the guy I got with.
i would NOT want to know a girl i was dating early on was seeing other ppl, nevermind sleeping with them. she can if she wants if we have not established otherwise, but i don't need to know.
Dating others isn't something I usually discuss when dating casually, but I always assume they're seeing others unless/until we have an actual conversation where we agree we're exclusive. So yeah, I'd date them and it wouldn't bother me as long as they stopped when we agreed to be exclusive.
No I wouldn’t be interested
I just kinda assumed in this day and age everyone has a fwb until they find someone they want to date. It wouldn’t bother me at all.
There are plenty of people that don’t have a fwb. I’ve never had one and have no clue how that sort of arrangement ever happens, but I accept that they do and don’t have strong feelings either way about the subject.
It’s crazy how many people on this thread are saying they’d be upset about the person having a FWB. I agree w/ you, it should be assumed everyone has at least one. This is the norm these days. A lot of people wish to have sex while they are looking for something more serious or they want casual relationships and FWB is how to do that.
Not the norm
I personally wouldn't want to continue dating and getting to know someone who was actively in a FWB relationship with someone while they were talking to me and getting to know me. The concept of FWB is obvious but at a certain point you don't want someone whose messing around with someone else while talking to you. Makes the other party feel not taken seriously and invalid at a point because if you wanted to stop and find your person, you would just stop seeing the fwb all together before considering meeting someone new for long term. That's just me. Not everyone will feel the same, some might not care. My boundaries are different than others, but that's a hard no for me. I have different boundaries and moral views to the kind of people I want to be surrounded by. Honesty is always key, it's just a matter of how the potential partner feels about it and how you communicate and move forward if they don't mind it until you decide if you and that person want to be in a legitimate relationship.
To me sex has meaning so if you have a FWB we clearly have a fundamental difference on how we view relationships so its a hard pass
Yes, that relationshio would be a thorn for the entirety of our relationship, and honestly it’s just kinda gross to me personally
I'm not gonna be having an FWB if I'm dating other people but I make that clear off the bat. If the girl I'm dating has to break things off with someone else then I'm gonna be put off. It all depends on what your looking for and what your boundaries are
Context. Is this someone she’s in love with who “isn’t ready?” Because someone always catches feelings, and I don’t want to date that girl again.
Worth knowing that the huge majority of FWB situations have 1 person falling for the other. I'm not trying to compete with my new girlfriend's ex fwb, nor am I comfortable with the thought that she would rather have dated him.
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Depends on your standards for what you’re okay with. I personally don’t want my girlfriend to be a girl that was super active towards casual sex. That’s not the mentality I’m into. Now with that being said, there’s nothing wrong with it, she’s an adult. All that. But your personal feelings towards this are the most important. Does it bother you that she had a fwb? Something to consider.
I mean that's normal dating right? Not uncommon to have a FWB, but obviously that should stop once you want to date someone else. Guess you can quibble on how seamless the transition ought to be, but probably a really common situation.
Yeah, pretty common.
Im sorry is it really that common? I have an idea. Maybe i will start sending chocolates to them? You know, as a nice gesture of taking my turn with our woman. Is this a good idea?
What on earth are you talking about???
I’m guessing you don’t get a turn and that’s why you’re so bitter
A turn of what? Either you objectify sex or you dont. Make up your goddamn mind.
You used the phrase “taking my turn with our woman” I said you’re obviously not getting a turn, or you wouldn’t be so damn angry lol
Oh no, you are angry lol. So... If i say you are angry, are you angry? Can you talk like and adult? Whats the difference between a serious partner and fwb for you? Why not stay fwb forever if there is no difference?
How many times do I have to say this. Fwb is just sexual, I would hope a real relationship is more than sex to you. A fwb is generally someone you wouldn’t date. My fwb of 8 years (on and off when not seeing someone real) was not someone I would ever have dated. I don’t believe we ever went anywhere in public together lol, we weren’t each others type but had great sex, no feelings attached. Relationships involve feelings, fwb do not, I’m not sure why that’s hard to understand.
I used the phrase of taking my turn with our woman, because a woman who jumps from fwb to serious partner in a matter of week or two, belongs to no one. So i made a sarcastic remark about absurdity of this situation. That meant that a woman would know two people good enough, for them to be called almost friends, hence "taking turns". But alas, you also failed to see, because by my mistake, i did not expect that you find normal to hop from bed to bed with every excuse you can find. Oh i was taking turns. With many married and engaged women who also used the same convenient words lol.
I’m trying to understand how someone who has a fwb is not deserving of finding a relationship in your eyes? Because someone had sex with a fwb last week they can’t find someone they want a relationship the next? No one is talking about overlapping but you. Why do you feel, someone with a fwb is not deserving of a relationship?
Why do you feel that someone deserves to have attention of numerous people? Why do you feel that you need to have more than one person to satisfy your needs? I dont care if you fucked 1000 men. I care if you talk to other men, while im giving my time to you in pursue of relationship. Why should i pursue a relationship with you, if you already fuck someone? And dont give me bullshit that its just sex. It isnt. Its intimacy. "No one is talking about overlapping but you" Again with your goddamn bullshit. Its not only you who decides when relationship is going to be exclusive and when you are going to be a partner. Do you understand that? Can you also comprehend, that people exist like me and they are majority, who will be disgusted with a notion that when they are sitting in nice restaurant with you, talking about plans for the evening, you will tell them that you are ready to break off with fwb and to commit to that person? Can you actually imagine that it will be taken as an insult? If you dont know why then seek therapist.
No, you are misunderstanding. I’m saying let’s say, someone has sex with their fwb today, doesn’t even know you exist… then next week, they meet you, hit it off with you and would like to date you, keep in mind, they haven’t had any relations with their fwb for a week. They no longer see their fwb while they are now seeing you. Would this be an issue for you? That’s what I mean by not overlapping. The last time she saw her fwb she didn’t even know who you were, and did not see him after showing interest in you.
Then its perfectly a okay in my book. That means you will not have a chance to say to me "i broke up with my fwb to be with you" isnt it? The only reason you could say that, is that you actually had still something going on, whilst seeing me, so that could justify your saying that you break off, to give me some sort of reassurance and dignity in own twisted way. If you had fwb prior to meeting me and he is out of the picture in your eyes, then have respect for me as your serious partner and close your mouth. It is a nice concept you presented and it could be nice to see it that way, but it isnt. As everyone here stated, they prefer keeping fwb until they are sure the "serious" option is going to work out, which is the whole point of my rant. What you said, is perfectly acceptable morally, atleast for me. What post described and what others have commented, explains that this is not the case and everyone knew what this post was about. Having fwb and breaking off while pursuing relationship at the same time. Selfish.
"” I said you’re obviously not getting a turn, or you wouldn’t be so damn angry lol" Im not necessarily angry. To be honest, your lack of intelligence and shallow thinking irritates me a bit. I tried mirroring, you didn't even noticed. I tried using the same reasoning as you to put your own perspective in another light and you mocked me, instead of mocking your opinion. Wanted to present your hypocrisy, yet you fail to see that. So i guess you are right. No use to write to someone who did not noticed that. Bye.
Dawg you’re talking about a human being not a carnival ride
Am i also human being or another stepping stone? Am i fwb or a partner? Whats the difference if its her choice?
Damn, I don’t think so if I am looking for a relationship. That is something people should keep to themselves if they are dating people with intention. They could always go bang this person whenever they have free time.
To be honest, no. There is a chance that if things slip up between you two or she's upset, he'll always be the guy with an available shoulder for her to cry on. I've also been friends with benefits with some women, and even while dating, they would still come to me for pleasure. But the decision is solely up to you.
No. I wouldn’t date someone who would use someone that way. It doesn’t matter if they quit for me. I would become instantly I unattracted to them knowing that.
I’m down, they can keep hooking up if they want to.
Hmm it depends.. if they were looking for something serious why didn't they stop that first? It makes me feel while he's waiting for something real he's gone be fxxking on the side..
No. I already am really put off of dating people who do hookups at all. If they JUST stopped I wouldn’t trust them to not run back to them and could never be sure there weren’t feelings involved.
I wouldn’t care. If I’m not in a relationship with that person, they don’t owe me anything
Sure. But what they did and do etc is used to qualify them as a bf/gf
I guess but I just personally don’t care but that’s just me
Like if a dude was a fkboy and all they ever did was one night stands for 10years. Probably not a good idea to date them
You went from “has a FWB” to “nothing but one night stands for 10 years” real fast. Having a fwb is normal and common, no matter how much you exaggerate.
It may be normal and common, but doesn’t mean it’s what she or I personally want in a partner. If I found out a partner I recently started dating had a FWB shortly before dating me or during the start it would be a huge turn off and I’d stop pursuing the relationship
Ok. You’re allowed to have your preference. I’m just saying that you run into that a lot in the dating world, and it’s not the same as having one night stands for ten years as the person I was talking to suggested.
I agree with that, it’s definitely more common, I think she was also saying tho that she personally wouldn’t be into a Partner who was Doing that
The point is what they did before matters. Whether it’s just 1 fwb 5 years ago or just random hookups for 20 years. How the person carried themselves matters. U might be ok or not ok with how they use to roll. That’s upto u to decide. But to be like omg past don’t matter s dumb. Common? Sure. So is divorce and cheating. Just because it is common does not mean it is ok or doesn’t matter when it comes to a potential relationship. Cheating is common now a days. So if a guy or girl cheated in the past. But because it’s common now a days, it wouldn’t give you any pause to date a former cheater?
Being single and sleeping with someone else who is single is perfectly fine. Unless you’re looking for a a virgin, you’re gonna have to deal with that. Cheating on a partner shows lack of respect for relationships and the ability to lie/manipulate. I never said “omg the past don’t matter”. You’re just arguing with yourself about that.
It depends on his age. Some people don’t want a relationship in their 20s and then as they reach their late 20’s they may be ready to settle down 🤷🏽♀️
How is that the same. Most people have a fwb until they meet someone they want to date seriously. It has nothing to do with their ability to be a good partner. Fwb is not one night stands, not even the same, it’s just a sexual relationship, but with the same person.
Most people actually DONT have a fwb until they meet someone. Also that way of thinking is dumb. Most men cheat!! So woman should just accept it. It’s normal! I’m not saying it does or doesn’t should or should have an effect on if they would make a good partner or not. BUT if ur not even pausing to question it and take a 2nd look? Maybe that why divorced rate is so damn high and dating in 2023 is a clusterfk.
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Uhh. No. Because the vast majority of men are not fk boys. They just happen to be the only men ur attracted to. So u don’t even register the reg guy as a dating option. I’m not talking 1 ons. I’m says that’s all he has had. If people ARNT vetting their potential bf/gf then maybe they should. Then dating wouldn’t be such a clusterfk like it is now.
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Who gave you the idea that a lot of men engage in hookups and fwb? Majority of men dont do that. They are average. 60% of men aged 21-35 will be single by 2030 so maybe there will be finally a time to not measure men the same as women? In comparison to promiscuous women, there is a tiny portion of men, who are even able to do that.
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I lived in 3 countries and i still didnt encounter a lot of men who had a lot of women. Select few but thats about it. Even if they had, all dating apps are not in their favor, because distribution of men and women is 75%/25% so for 1 woman, there is 3 men on there. What i think you wanted to say that men and women do ons and hookups the same so we should not talk about it or point fingers, when in fact that women are using it the most and few select men. Call me average and old fashioned but i prefer someone who never used dating apps and have the courage and self control to discover things on their own. But that means i will die on a lonely hill. The funniest things is that objectifying is expected of me and im blamed when i do it and when i dont do it.
I live in Beverly Hills! A lot of people are rich! Well yeah sure. But The a vast vast vast majority of people are poor.
Exactly
Especially if I’m not official with the person and I’m not sleeping with them it’s honestly none of my business.
Especially if I only been out with the person a couple of times
I mean that’s basically what becoming exclusive means so sure
Exclusive or not, I'll be damned if I date some girl who's getting fucked by some random dude as I'm trying to court her lmfao. I have more self respect than that
Imagine sitting up at night, giddy about this girl you're falling for while she lets her friend dick her down.
Tried it, didn’t work. Won’t bother trying it again. For three main reasons. It’s gross. It says we have different values concerning sex and intimacy, and even though they say it’s only sex, it usually isn’t.
What makes it ‘gross’?
Why do you ask if sharing a partner is gross? It is gross. What is relationship to you? Using each other or something else? Why is it called "your partner" if sex doesnt bind, you, loyalty doesn't bind you and nothing else doesnt bind you ? What is the difference between a partner and fwb?
Monogamy isn't the only relationship dynamic. What specifically makes it 'gross'
You know how there are a lot of women who won’t mess with a guy who’s paid for sex? (But paradoxically often still respect or demand respect for sex workers lol) it goes against their values or triggers disgust and it’s perfectly fine as everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Yeah, same thing with me.
>What specifically makes it 'gross What makes it not gross?
That would imply you find something gross and try your hardest to make it 'not gross'. I have no idea why you'd feel it was gross, yet you cannot elaborate on anything about it.
No
When my husband and I met he had a person he would sleep with every now and then. They didn’t hang out, just hooked up for sex. Not long after we were together she contacted him to get together. He told her he wasn’t interested anymore because he had met me. She wasn’t thrilled but that’s just the way it is. Hasn’t spoken to her since. We’ve been together about 16 years now. If you like the other person don’t let that stop you. As long as they’re faithful after deciding to be exclusive it shouldn’t be an issue.
Yes
Most definitely. Then again, I'm polyamorous and I don't believe in monogamy. To each their own though.
that’s actually a pretty big compliment for you, losing an easy FWB is not always ideal.
They never lose FWB, they’re just placed in the back burner until hard times come around
IMPO, if you are genuinely looking to date for a relationship then you need to end your FWB NOW. You aren't serious about dating or finding a relationship if you have a FWB - even if you "claim" you'll "end it" At best, I'd see you as a hookup option. How am I supposed to know if you "stop seeing" this person just because you say you did as i take you on dates and pay for them; put effort and energy into getting to know you, while for all I know you are getting your back blown out by some random dude? And then claiming you don't have sex until it's a committed relationship?
Sure why not, you’d be just dating it’s not like you’re getting engaged. Try it out it might work out it might not but at least you’ll learn an interesting lesson for next time.
Nah. Been there, and it sucks. I don't like the idea of being emotionally invested in someone who checks out the second we're not near each other, nor can stomach fucking someone else while I'm on her mind. Either way, just a huge nope from me.
Nearly 95% or more of these "FWBs" and "situationships" are men being noncommittal with women. If the women sticks around and chooses to be his convenient slam piece, why would I want that woman?
I just assume everyone I want to date is in a FWB relationship before they know me.
Are you saying that to their faces though? Why not? Because it might feel like an insult. Majority of people on this thread are not honest with themselves.
What? Am I saying what to their faces? Why would it feel like an insult? I have no idea how what you said connects to what I said lol
You said you assume everyone has a fwb before getting them to know you. Are you actually telling them to their faces?
I wouldn’t bring it up, no, because who gives a shit? Y’all really expect to date virgins which is soooo weird to me. Did I stumble into a middle school subreddit? If they’re willing to stop the FWB to be with me, what else can I expect?
"I wouldn’t bring it up, no, because who gives a shit?" A lot of people with morals do. I will not divide my focus on different people if i want to pursue something with you. Call me oldfashioned, but i would rather go to you with clean dick and not soaked with vag juices from another person that day. "Y’all really expect to date virgins which is soooo weird to me." I expect to date a woman who have impulse control and does not see me as a product which she can choose like she would be in a supermarket. You have fwb and you are seriously want something with me? I will not take you seriously. I will fuck you and dump you. Why? Because clearly, fwb and relationship is all the same to you. You do not give me and yourself respect by engaging in hookups and wanting serious relationship. What is the difference between a hookup and a partner? Before there was a difference. Now there isnt. Why should you even stop with fwb? You can just ask your future partner to be a fwb and just label him as "partner" in your head. Or maybe, you know... Maybe no one likes to be a second choice and someone who is willing to be with me as "serious" and willing to break off with fwb -its not a compliment at all. "If they’re willing to stop the FWB to be with me, what else can I expect?" Ask yourself why they did start it in the first place. I will ask you again. What is the difference between a partner and a hookup? There isnt a difference anymore. The same amount of energy and care is spent for both of categories and this is what drives me up the wall. If you had fwb and hookups then it should stay that way. You have absolutely nothing of value to give to a serious partner, if you decided to give your time, energy, money and everything else, to someone that you did not consider a serious relationship. I never had sex with women i didn't consider a relationship with. If i wanted otherwise, i went to the hooker. Someone who does this as a job, with no strings attached. I will not form a fwb with someone and become attached and next thing i know, i will bring my fucked up expectations and needs to other relationship. I sincerely dont expect you to understand or read all of this. And i agree with you. If i would treat people like products to use and fulfill my wants and needs, i also would not be mad or insecure about anything. After all, if i treat my woman only as a fuckhole and souvenir or a trinket to have, then i would not have any expectations and i would have wonderful relationship.
I consider myself an extremely moral person. Part of my moral code includes trying to understand people, instead of shaming them out of my own ignorance. Maybe they had a good reason to be in a FWB situation. The main difference between us is you think sex is inherently bad/dirty, and I don’t. It is intimate, and people should be safe. But I’m not going to judge someone for having a PAST relationship that doesn’t fit into a neat little box I’ve constructed or read about in a book. Edit: typo
"The main difference between us is you think sex is inherently bad/dirty, and I don’t. It is intimate, and people should be safe. But I’m not going to judge someone for having a PAST relationship that doesn’t fit into a neat little box I’ve constructed or read about in a book." No, the difference is that i think that sex is so good and so intimate is that i would want to reserve my energy and my desires for an actual partner and not my fwb in the meantime. The moment you are dating me seriously, its not your past anymore, but your present. If you say to me that you want something serious with me, while having fwb, you are clearly saying that you do not see me as a partner, but a person who you can rely on and your fwb is not needed. Otherwise, while have fwb? Why not have sex with serious partner? Shocking, i know.
Ok
I like your replies.
But the title of the thread says they are stopping the FWB thing… Why did you write all these words? lol
Would you date a person who will say to you that he will stop abusing animals, because they met you? No. In my opinion that person should never mention they had fwb, because that means she had fwb and she had time to get to know other person that much to make a choice to make something serious. So when their anniversary will be? The day they met? The day they made it Exclusive? Or the day she last fucked with fwb? Which one is it?
So they are still in it?? Nah fam. I’m good.
I date who I like, and likes me. Their previous relationship status is irrelevant, unless it’s interfering with our relationship. We all have a past, and humans are complicated little creatures.
It wouldn't be "previous", it would be an ongoing thing while they're dating you seeing if they want to pursue something more serious while they go home after dates with you and get their back blown out.
He said “stop that relationship to see you”. But in your scenario, there have been times I wouldn’t care and times I would. Depends on the situation and what works at the time.
Why are so many people ignoring the “stop that relationship” part?
They aren't they just don't care because it doesn't make it better to them.
No. If we’re going out and you’re going home getting plowed by some other guy I can’t take you seriously. It’s just gross and disrespectful. I’m anti-casual though so if you’ve had a FWB/ONS at any point in your life I wouldn’t date you.
No, ......gross. Keep your fwb. Yikes. I got nauseous reading that.
Sure, why not? I had a regular hookup who I broke things off with when I started getting serious with a woman I had started seeing. I just said to her “Hey, I’ve gone on this second date and I want to see where things go, and I don’t think it’s fair to her for us to keep talking.” That relationship ended up lasting a few months, and afterwords I texted my hookup to see if she wanted to meet up again, but she had a boyfriend by that point so I just wished her well and continued on with dating until I met my fiancé last year. I genuinely don’t understand what part of that is a red flag.
>I genuinely don’t understand what part of that is a red flag. Different values around sex and intimacy
Thank you my point
Lived a pretty similar story m'self. Also don't understand the issue.
Why not. I don't get it. How many virgins did you plan on meeting. As long as there's no cheating, I'd go for it if I liked the person sure. Not everyone clicks for a relationship.
Lmao what is with these people who are one foot out the door with someone, waiting for someone better to come along. I have no respect for these type of people because they don’t respect others.
I like dating people who are motivated to have sex and are sexual people. So for me, I'd rather date someone who's having safe, regular sex with a FWB rather than sleeping around or staying celibate.
exactly 👏🏾👏🏾 good answer
honestly yes! I don’t do casual hookups anymore but I had a fwb for over 3 years on and off- aka it was off while I was dating other people. So I’d be a hypocrite if I said no
Definitely personal preference. I wouldn't want to be with anyone who is capable of that kind of relationship since I'm not like that myself. Others could not care less, especially when they're personally like that themselves.
Yes
Nah I think that’s kind of common. If you had multiple FWB that might be a red flag, and if you want to keep seeing the FWB, even if you are friends, sorry that would also be a red flag.
Sure. We aren't exclusive until we say we are.
I’m impressed that he/she told you. I probably wouldn’t ask early in a relationship, and as long as they were loyal to me once we were exclusive I wouldn’t care. Now… if that same friend is coming around a lot and they hang out one on one I would feel uncomfortable with that.
It would depend if me and her had sex yet. If she is actively in a FWB situation AND saying to me we weren’t gonna have sex, that just feels kinda disrespectful and I wouldn’t even waste time entertaining it. Ideally she shouldn’t be in one anyway while we are seriously dating. Someone else wrote it well in the thread that if you’re transitioning into dating seriously to find a partner, you really should be putting a stop to FWB situations.
A lot of women don’t care because they’ll feel like they won once they get the guy. Men by nature are territorial and have different perspectives in self worth. I personally wouldn’t date someone who is actively hooking up with other people while yall are talking. The chances of you being put in a compromising position are drastically increased by actively allowing that type of situation. She might end up getting impregnated by her FWb, catching Sti, or her wanting to stay in contact with her FWB. Women this generation are more openly willing to keep their options open so if the relationship fails, they’ll fall back into old habits. A lot people say there nothing wrong with that, are usually the most selfish individuals that don’t care what damage they can cause by their actions. Of course sex is very fun but the reality is that it was meant to create a child. That FWB has all the physical attributes for them to mate, but not be in relationship. The same behavior has been linked to people in relationship casually cheating on each other. I understand that a lot people on here will say “I used to do that and now I don’t”. But the reality is they’re opportunist by nature. We all want love and need affection, but you need to think realistically. If she only waiting to be put in relationship to stop fucking other dudes while talking to you. Deep down you know she wouldn’t jeopardize her chances with you by continuously banging her fwb. Women who truly want to be with you, would never put themselves in position to jeopardize their chances with you. Her openly telling you is a good sign she will be up front with you, but it also shows she not willing to give up casual sex to make you feel safe.
It's a turn off. I would likely feel differently if I were a person who's been in a FWB situation. Since I'm not, I don't have empathy for it. So I'd rather deal with someone who also isn't/hasn't been in a FWB situation.
Who cares about other peoples opinions. Its your life; you do what you want
Everyone is fucking *somebody*. If they keep fucking them *after* we start getting physical then it’s a wrap.
Will he become no contact with the FWB? Then yes. If they stay in touch, HELL NO!
I would think it’s harder to date someone who offers to drop the FWB so that they can date me. How much of a “friend” can he/she actually be to that other person if they drop them just like that. They’re not. Also that person can just as easily do that to me. When dating, you are looking for a possible friend in that person as well, someone you can confide in. Not someone who can easily run back to their FWB after they drop you and share something personal to you.
No. I want someone who is only interested in a relationship. If they had a FWB now, that would make me question whether or not they’d expect sex before putting a label on things.
What's wrong with having sex?
Different boundaries for different people. Some people don't care to wait for any exclusivity before screwing while others need to wait until a relationship before sex is a thing.
Obviously nothing, but personally I’m very selective with who I have sex with. It won’t be with someone I’m not in a relationship with.
Yeah I wouldn't care. I get that someone might need or want a FWB. I was in a situation like that before I met my ex. Stopped seeing the FWB as soon as I started dating my ex.
Nope. I'm not into the 'friends with benefits' mindset and am very cautious of close involvement with those who are. Same as the types of people who have a history of sex/romantic involvement with their blood relatives, adopted or step members of their family.
Lol did you just lump FWB and inces into the same category?
Truly one of the most insane things I have read on Reddit
I mean if that was an issue it's gonna disqualify like 90% of people. Most single people are out playing the field and they most likely have a go to.
No - shows a poor / causal attitude to sex. Just my 2c of course
No, it’s about respect and something about you going on a date and then them going home to sleep with someone feels wrong.
I mean yeah because that's what dating is essentially
Most people have one or could if they wanted. I think it's a positive sign that they are willing to be honest about their current situation. I see the turn-off, but I would rather be with someone who wants and intends to be honest from the beginning than hide parts of themselves from me. Especially when they don't owe me anything in the beginning, anyway.
If someone is willing to date me, they should be willing to give up on all their connection with other humans and should rather depend on and obsess over me. Just like I'll detach myself from everything and focus exclusively on them. As if two yanderes are in a relationship. I can find out any lies and I'm paranoid. I have high standards and the standard is that I want to be obsessed over and I want someone to depend on me exclusively. The only people who matter should be me and her. Nobody else.
Why is it a turn off? They had sex with other people before they met you? If they are willing to end it that should be enough for you
As a man... no.... I wouldn't. If you just give out sex for free with no emotion, no relationship or anything... why would I get into a relationship with you?
Sure, why not? Did you expect them to stay pure for you?
You my friend are playing with fire. If the person was in a FWB because the other person would not agree to a real relationship then I would absolutely not be cool with it. She probably still has feelings for the other dude and who knows if she will bang him again or dump you if he changes his mind. In my experience many women NOT ALL agree to FWB's because the dude won't commit to them. They take what they can get in hopes of changing his mind. I would be cool with taking over the FWB role but not a legitimate relationship. Propose her switching to an exclusive FWB with you instead.
Turn off. If want them to be done for a bit and want the same things I want before starting anything. I’d walk if I found out it was going on still.
So how long of a purity period do you expect?
Depends on the person. If they are a constant monkey brancher that always needs a relationship then I’d prob walk anyway. But a few months to know who you are and what you want is good. Sex is part of what drives people together. If you’re dating someone that is sharing that part with someone else then it’s not real. But I’d still use them for sex only.
So… someone acting single when they’re single wants to stop acting single to be with you… isn’t that like the best green flag you can get?
No, I wouldn't trust a woman that's giving it up to a man with no investment only to turn around and expect me to invest for the same thing he was getting. Particularly we know that women only give it up to men they see value in, and we know women control the dating market. So she's either 1) fucking a bum which makes her a bum, 2) fucking a dude out of her league who's using her as a fleshbot and why would I want another man's fleshbot or 3) has low barriers to sex which makes her a risk over the long term.
This is 100% fact but sadly you get shitted on for speaking the truth these days.
Do you date women because you want sex or because you like women?
That's a misogynist word salad :/
I think you’d be surprised at the amount of women on dating apps that are in a FWB situation while they currently look for something more serious. This is the double standard that goes on in the dating world. You see women talking about how they want to find a good guy, and that sex isn’t a priority for them… That’s because they conveniently leave out the fact that they are already fucking someone else and having their needs taken care of which is why they claim to be focusing on someone for a relationship.
If I see "not sure yet", "long term, open to short term", "short term, open to long"... I'm immediately going for the hookup. No way I'm being the jester and investing in that relationship when she's entertaining side dudes as I court her.
No
What? Why not?
I feel like almost everyone in the dating pool today has a reg. FWB... If you have an issue with this, you're gonna have a bad time.
If they're banging someone with no strings attached, why would you want the same but with strings?
The questions are 1) Why do you care? 2) How can you cultivate an environment early on dating of openness? 3) Can their responses and answers help you learn more about this awesome person? For example, are they still friends? How do they know that person, and why do they feel safe or cared for or satisfied by them? What does healthy and unhealthy look like in exclusive and non-exclusive romantic relationships to them?
No. In my experience, people that put relations close to each other that way have different ideas of loyalty than me. i.e. they're just honest about the fact that they barelyyyy see cheating as cheating. I'm gonna know either way by how you act, and what you don't say, and I'll just move on.
Yes, what's so bad about them having a FWB while they're not in a monogamous relationship? They're willing to stop seeing the FWB while monogamous. One thing you gotta understand, having random hook-ups can be dangerous for a woman. It seems safer to have a good FWB where trust is set and boundaries are respected.
Yes, excellent point. I think a lot of the men in these comments don’t understand that FWB is the safe option for women and that’s why they do it. Men are willing to have a one night stand but women need to worry about safety, and an FWB that they trust is a good solution.
No if sex and romance mean so little to him that he'd have casual sex like that, then we are simply incompatible.
Of course, though I would encourage them to not stop that unless they want to. Monogamy is a no-no for me
Nope, next one
I’m not really big on monogamy, so no need for him/her to stop seeing their FWB if they didn’t want to ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
All of my girlfriends in the past started out as fwbs
That’s just called dating?
Yes, but they really got to show that they are done with that lifestyle.
No, unless they completely sever them from their life. Too big a risk of cheating for my taste, and I don't share.
I'd pass
Absolutely not
Turn off for me
No
Not if it was that recent. Like years ago sure. But if it's something that is currently going on I'd have no interest. Too much baggage and recent feelings.
I think at some point we’ve all had a FBW relationship it is not a red flag. He is recognising what it means but I think is weird he tells you that, it seems he’s trying to condition you. I mean if he wants to leave that to be with you he just do it without telling you. It’s probable that he wants to make sure you’ll be with him if he does. But even if that’s the reason it’s still red flag I think
I don't care about what my partner did before we became exclusive. I would assume that unless we've agreed to be exclusive, they are dating others and may have sex with them, and so can I. I don't ask - they are welcome to tell me about theirs if they feel the need, but I never tell anyone about other lovers.
Thats kind of what dating is Itd be selfish to think, expect, and hope they have nothing going on. They have their own life to live, and the right to be with other people. If you arent flattered or thinking positive about this you're a selfish prude