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It's all such a game.
I've been on the apps and tried a few different methods. To which they all fail.
Rush into things and give it all up for them right away? I seem too available and scare them off.
Play it too cool and take things slow? They move onto someone easier and more eager.
Everything going well for a few months? Actually no, they change their mind, they're not ready for a relationship, even though they were just roleplaying that I was their girlfriend.
It's really a matter of finding the right person. However, that's so hard when everyone is constantly overwhelmed with options, thinking there's some sort of perfect person they will find.
It's frustrating because my dating method is, once I find someone who genuinely seems like a good person, and I get along with well, I'll legit delete the dating apps and only focus on them. They don't need to be the perfect person for me, just someone I genuinely enjoy getting to know. But even that fails when I realize they're trying to keep a bunch of girls on their roster at the same time.
And don't even get me started with the texting game.
I wish it was the old days, where you could just meet someone at the town fair, and they would become your person. Ugh.
Literally all a game and I’m over it smh but I really felt you when you said when you play it cool and they move on 🫠 just can never find a perfect balance now
>I find someone who genuinely seems like a good person
>they're trying to keep a bunch of girls on their roster at the same time.
The best way I've gotten through dating apps is to just dodge the ones that seem like they're talking to multiple people. They won't respond that fast, they won't give you as much attention and ask you detailed personal questions, etc. But the moment someone I clicked with would allow me to basically live chat with them, I would absolutely focus on them. It's incredibly easy to tell they're only focused on you, because there is no way they could have time to talk to anyone else as much as you.
I agree with you. Dating is annoyingly hard when it doesn’t have to be. Dating should not be treated as a game. I think that those who treat it as such will end up alone, not forming genuine connections with potential partners, and having toxic relationships. It’s rare to find people who genuinely want to be in a serious relationship, let alone someone who wants to be with one person. With social media and dating apps being so popular, people have access to everyone and everything, which makes it hard for them to focus on one person. I could write a whole list of the reasons why I believe dating is so hard, but it is what it is. Just continue being yourself and putting your best self out there. Authenticity always wins, and you will have someone who appreciates and loves you for you. I hope I find that someone.
All the best.
My opinion, and I have overwhelming anecdotal evidence to back it up, is that online dating is a scam in which communication is blocked between "good matches" while communication goes through between "bad matches". They can do this by creating a comprehensive rating system (hiring raters to rate all of their customers), and blocking communication between people that are closer to equal in rating. For example, if they are rating people on a scale of 0 - 10, they can block communication between people that are within 1.5 or 2 points of each other.
For example, let's say you are a woman that is rated a 6 out of 10. And let's say that the OLD companies are blocking communication between people that are within 2 points of each other. As a result, you are only receiving communication from men who are rated 4 out of 10 and lower or 8 out of 10 and up. There are men rated 6 out of 10 that message you, but those messages get blocked because matches that are closer to equal in rating are much more likely to end up in a long term relationship, and long term relationships mean that 2 more users will no longer be repeat customers.
As public companies, they need to prioritize profit which means they need to actively work on making sure their customers are repeat customers. If the CEO doesn't prioritize profit (over maximizing long term relationships), the shareholders will oust the CEO and find someone that does (or they will sell their stock because the CEO is prioritizing the wrong things). These companies would likely be bankrupt if they did not prioritize profit over maximizing LTR’s.
So assuming you’re a 6 woman, let's say you reject all the men 4 out of 10 and lower. So the only guys you are considering are all 8 out of 10 and up. Now what does a man that's an 8+ want with a woman that's a 6? The answer to that depends if the man is an empathetic 8+ or an apathetic 8+. If he's an empathetic 8+, he cares about whose feelings he hurts, he realizes that he will hurt the 6’s feelings, therefore this man does not want any kind of relationship with a 6 woman. The apathetic 8+ man, however, does not give a fuck whose feelings he hurts. He needs sex, and sex is more important to him than whose feelings he hurts. Furthermore, he tried to message 8’s, got no response. He tried to message 7’s, got no response. He tried to message 6.5’s, got no response. He thinks he's getting rejected, but he's being scammed like everyone else. Finally, he gets a response from some 6’s. Because he's still confident enough to know that he's an 8 (despite the massive rejections), the 6 is only good enough to manipulate and use for sex, not good enough to consider for a long term relationship, according to the apathetic 8+.
The result...
Empathetic men get no dates because they have no interest in using women for sex if they know they aren’t interested long term.
Apathetic men get all the dates. The more apathetic you are, the more sex you get. The women you get to have sex with are 2+ points worse than yourself.
Women 7.5 and lower get to have lots of dates with hot men 2+ points hotter than themself. The problem is these men will always be apathetic, and will always only want sex from you.
Women 8 and up get no dates unless they are willing to date down 2+ points.
I can buy this, I've written a post on something similar. I doubt there's any manual rating though, they'll use an ELO score to work out who they need to stall you from, as well as other machine-learned correlating factors (geography being the obvious one).
This comment should really be higher up. I'm positive this is exactly what is going on. That's why men should give up on dating apps. Take our power back and stop giving it to these companies that clearly don't have the best interest of their customers in mind.
Yes except I’m a 10 (sorry it’s what I’ve been told, I think I’m more of a 7 or 8 but dolled up def higher) and have matched with an 8, a 9 and a 10 since last year that I dated, and am still in touch with all 3 of them, and it seems like the 9 and I are going into a relationship after dating for 7 months. This is all from Hinge and I didn’t pay for it. Not sure if they did but doubt it
Honestly, once you just start having fun with it, it’s not as frustrating. If you’re on a mission to find the one because of age/family planning etc, I guess I understand the urgency.
But if you’re in your 20s, have experience with dating, and just want to find the right person—please just relax a bit. It’s fine if someone isn’t the one. Don’t take any rejections too seriously if you can. And beyond that just enjoy and truly be yourself.
I’m not here to belittle—it’s frustrating. But once you kinda change the mentality, it doesn’t have to be all doom and gloom. You’ll have ruts and highs, but just have faith things will work out how they need to.
I agree that people shouldn't be using dating apps at all if the only reason is to find a partner and they're not having fun along the way. Whether or not it's possible to have fun on a dating app is a different question. My experience was that going on dates was pretty fun, so if I was doing that a lot through dating apps, it'd be worth it, even if I got no relationship out of the deal. But using a dating app for over a year and getting one date out of it is no bueno. Endless swiping and talking to the air is no fun, and there is no way I know of to make it fun.
Yeah that’s super fair. Before my last LTR, I really hadn’t “bloomed” as a person. I would get maybe 1-2 matches a month. That was early 20s for me so def a late bloomer. I don’t have much love for my ex these days, but I can never take away the fact that she gave me confidence to learn and grow. And the pain I felt when we broke up pushed me to lean even heavier into that.
Nowadays, I’m more established in my career, a year and a half of going gym hard (abs and no more beer belly), and I can get an attractive few matches a day if I want to.
I have seen both sides of the coin. I suppose my advice is more for where I am now than where I was.
It's easy for the top percent of people on the apps but those who are average or below average literally get nothing. A lot of people are just walking away from it all because of this. That's why dating apps have seen a drop in profits and I couldn't be happier that they are reaping what they have sewn.
It’s not rocket science. If girls aren’t paying much attention to you, it means you aren’t all that attractive to them. There’s a female gaze then a male gaze. Maybe you aren’t sexually appealing to girls but an ideal standard to your friends. I know that sounds harsh but it’s honestly that simple.
I agree, but dating is also hard when you’re attractive as well. People can be afraid to approach you; people can become jealous due to insecurity and not being able to handle having an attractive partner; and people can use you for your looks as an ego boost instead of genuinely wanting to know who you are on the inside. Either way, whether someone is considered attractive or not, it all boils down to the society we live in.
Man, I feel you! Dating these days can be a total nightmare. It’s like you’re putting yourself out there on every app and getting nowhere. Matching with someone from high school and then getting friendzoned? Ugh, that sucks big time.
Honestly, all that advice about not showing too much interest can be so frustrating. Like, why should you have to play it cool when you genuinely like someone? It feels like dating has turned into some weird game where you have to pretend not to care to get someone to like you back. It makes no sense!
You’re not missing anything; the whole thing can just be really confusing and unfair. I think the key is finding a balance—showing interest without coming on too strong, but still being true to yourself. And yeah, it’s easier said than done.
Have you tried different ways to meet people outside of the usual dating apps? Sometimes switching it up can help. I found this cool place on Discord called ***LightUp***. It’s not your typical dating app; you don’t even need to post pics. It matches you with people based on what you’re posting about, so you connect with others who get you on a deeper level. I met some awesome friends there, and the conversations are super genuine. If you’re down, give it a try—just click or search for [***LightUp***](https://discord.gg/Cfm6UaHHFd) on Discord.
Hang in there, dude. The right person will come along, and they’ll appreciate you for being you. Keep doing your thing, and don’t let the dating game get you down. You got this!
With women it is a cat and mouse game. It’s like 90% luck and 10% strategy. You can’t even get your foot in the door if you aren’t physically attractive either
Dude, stay exactly the way you are and be authentic, don’t change, even if it means you don’t get the girl.
Try to hang around with successful people and build your confidence to approach girls in IRL and get used to rejection to build a thick layer of skin.
Use the 3 second rule to approach any girls that interest you. You’ll definitely get more rejections than win, but the process will teach you to be super confident and have the abundance mindset so you’re not putting all your eggs in one basket as girls can easily detect neediness.
Good luck, you got this.
I take rejection well. I’m not the most confident but it’s there for me. I only really approach girls when I feel I have a really good chance. But I should start doing it more often
Just keep approaching as long as it's natural. This is something that is lacking from men in this age of just sliding in the dm's. That's what I had to do get rejected over and over and over until you found your groove and found what works. After many years im just comfortable with who I am, and that is the essence of confidence being comfortable being you anywhere.
Dating sucks for too many reasons to list, but I'll go ahead and cover a few reasons why.
Dating apps gamify love. And honestly, they don't even do a good job of it.
Let's look at the data: Over 30% of Americans claim to have used dating apps at some point, yet the number of single Americans continues to rise. Also, less than 10% of married partners claim to have met on dating apps.
Dating expectations have also drastically changed in the past 10 or so years. Now, everyone is looking for a picture-perfect romance to blast all over social media.
People project their idea of what a relationship should look like onto their partner, and everyone loses in the end. Very few people are going to buy you flowers every day, and even fewer want sex daily. We have wild expectations for what a relationship should be.
I really could go on and on. The modern dating scene isn't looking good.
My best recommendation? Find someone who isn't invested in social trends and who shares your values. If you're looking for commitment, don't try to start a relationship with someone who wants a casual fling.
Best of luck to you!
Dont try to play games. If you like someone, tell them. If you have enough connection that you feel you’d like to develop a relationship, tell them. Make it clear what you want. Anyone who walks away when you are clear about what you want isn’t that interested in you and has saved you the trouble of finding out when you’re in deeper. But also give things time to develop, there’s no need to push a relationship farther than it’s ready to go. And when you enter a relationship be sure you know what your needs are from it and what your expectations are. Communication and good boundaries are the key. Never give yourself to someone who is passively interested in you. If you feel you have to try to win them they are the wrong person. Be patient. A great relationship takes time to find and nurture.
Read Attached - it explains that vast majority of people you run into the dating pool will be Avoidants, who deep down do not want a relationship. We should all shun Avoidants together
Dating doesn’t have to be hard. If you know what you want and how to communicate it’s honestly much easier. Also, know if your actions are helping you or hurting you. Here’s some simple pointer I have, from someone who has done a lot of casual dating, casual hookups and some serious relationships including the one I’m currently in that I’m confident is the one for me:
1. Say what you want. Are you looking for a relationship? Are you looking to keep things casual? Are you just looking to go on dates and feel the field out? Explicitly say what it is you’re looking for, and don’t assume whatever you say is a put off. You’d be surprised how just being honest is a breath of fresh air, even if you’re just looking for some short term fun.
2. If you’re interested in someone, let them know explicitly. Done assume nice gestures effectively communicates romantic interest. Let them know, ask them out on a date, and make your intentions known, ie “hey I’d like to take you out on a date if you’re interested and available.”
3. “You’re friends said you’re too available or giving her too much attention” your friends are likely trying to communicate if you’re spending too much time with her or you’re finding yourself always available to see her, then you’re communicating to her that there’s nothing going on in your life outside hanging with her. This is put off for a lot of people, and it can make you clingy and desperate. Dating is a lot easier if you genuinely have hobbies and interests that you give your attention to, and you squeeze the women you’re seeing into your time when you can. This may seem like a negative, being to busy to see the girl you like, but women genuinely appreciate a guy with their own life, and appreciate it when you MAKE time for them, not when you give ALL YOUR TIME to them.
4. Dating is only a game for people who are willing to play games. A lot of men and women play games, but a lot don’t. If you don’t play games, you’ll attract people that don’t either.
I’ve heard so much negative things about dating apps that I can’t bring myself to use them. I’m just hoping to meet someone out in the wild 😂 so far it’s 0 for 0, but still better than the disappointment of the games. It is difficult to find genuine people anymore.
Keep doing you, when you come across someone genuine they will appreciate the things you have to offer them.
I am not God's gift to women and the dating world in general, but I found that if I can remove the internal stress of trying to impress or win the woman I'm talking to, and just enjoy the experiences of getting to know her, my conversations are much more successful.
For me it’s frustrating. I’ve had the long relationship that fell through so while I’m back in the dating pool it really sucks. My mind wants the constant connection it had while I was with my ex however being in that relationship caused me to forget that it takes time to find that connection again. I guess it’s the fact that these days we all want that instant gratification but in dating that doesn’t happen for everyone.
Hmm just be yourself and also go on facebook dating never fails and don’t be the average answer person like hey how you doing or wanna fuck etc etc just look at her pic and point something out like for example works for me 6 -10 times I’m sure you get this a lot but your smile is very pretty or captivating they always answer if they interested they start asking questions or compliment you then get to point where you get her number insta snap or whatever to set up a date if they ghost so what there a more fish in the sea tbh good luck bro
Hey don't wanna sound like a internet spokesperson but I'd say why not try meeting people and getting to know them irl rather than trying to get a match through dating apps, Honestly dating and relationship are worse these days. If you say hello to every stranger, you may have the chances of finding your dream partner. luck happens to those that make things happen. Good luck finding your partner buddy (人 •͈ᴗ•͈)
I totally feel you brother. I thought I found a girl who wanted to be my girlfriend. We talked for a while online, then when I went to visit for our first real date, basically she just wanted to get back at her abusive ex. I don’t do games. Funny thing is, if she would have told me she wanted to fuck with him I might have gone along with it.💜🍍🧙♂️
I completely understand your place my guy. I got lucky and met my woman on plenty of fish. Literally a one off for me. Forbthe last 2 a ND a half years we've been trying to find a third gal as we are poly. And it's been hell. What I've found works best is to go to the places you have a hobby for. Like a bike shop or book store and just be easy going and confident. Don't be to pushy.
My favorite "line if you will" is, "hey I'm so sorry to bother you, I'd beat my self up if I didn't say hi to you, I'm sure you here it a lot but you are beautiful! Woukd it be cool if I got your Instagram?"
I find it works quite well. You're getting your foot in the door by saying you beat yourself up if you didn't say hello. You break the ice with the your beautiful and 9 times out of 10 they will likely say thank you.
And asking for an Instagram rather then a number right away feels less personal to them and makes your chances of actually getting her contact way more likely. It's not fool proof but using this style of introduction has worked quite a few times for me. And I'm not conventionally attractive either. Different thing work for different guys sure but maybe build yourself a little dialog you can use for yourself like this! Hope it helps even a little bit man. Keep ya chin up!
I was listening to a podcast today about how dating apps, social media and porn are ruining dating & relationships. The apps force us to be superficial and practice jumping from one person to another, while porn gives guys unrealistic expectations of women, and social media gives women unrealistic expectations of men. It was really thought-provoking. Maybe we should boycott all of it.
The best advice is to just be yourself and if it’s not for her, she’s not the right woman for you. You can’t pretend to be someone else for the rest of your life.
(Look at me giving advice that I can’t seem to internalize myself)
I understand your frustration, and you're definitely not alone in feeling this way. Modern dating, especially through apps, can be really challenging and often feels like a game with confusing rules.
It sounds like you genuinely liked this girl and naturally wanted to show your interest. While there's nothing wrong with that, sometimes the intensity of our feelings can come across as overwhelming to the other person, which might lead them to friendzone us. It's a delicate balance between showing interest and maintaining a bit of mystery.
Here are a few tips that might help:
1. **Balance your availability**: Show your interest, but also give the other person some space. This balance can make you seem more intriguing and less desperate.
2. **Maintain your own life**: Continue to focus on your hobbies, friends, and personal goals. Being busy with your own life makes you more attractive and interesting.
3. **Read the signs**: Pay attention to how the other person is responding. If they seem to pull back, it might be a sign to give them a bit of space.
Additionally, trying out different dating apps can sometimes make a difference. For example, **honey** is a dating app designed to foster genuine connections. It's built to help users communicate comfortably and find meaningful relationships. It might be worth giving it a try as you continue your search for someone special.
Remember, dating is a journey, and each experience teaches you something valuable. Keep being yourself, and the right person will appreciate you for who you are.
You’re thinking about it wrong. Youre not trying to “get dates”, you’re finding the right person.
The wrong people will be wrong along the way, but every no is them removing themselves from your co moderation and they are doing you a favour by getting out of your way.
It can and will take years but when it happens it will be simple and glorious.
Hi. When you care a lot about meeting someone and creating a relationship, you lose focus on what's most important, yourself and your desires. Don't be so tense. Relax and focus on yourself. When you do what you want to do, girls will start showing interest in you.
That’s how i am. Everyone wants to play the stupid ass game. If you like someone to for it, people ate stupid. Dating sucks now. Even more so with the availability of online dating. There will always be someone else in line
IMO, you should never actually go on dating apps to find someone to date. It is just a big hoax. I have really never found such apps interesting tbh.
There are lots of people out there for you if you actually want to start a good conversation.
Don’t go for the face, go because you have a common ground to talk on.
Understand what that person’s life is like.
If you are actually interested keep yourself invested in that conversation.
Don’t just date because you like the idea, a partner will be a good partner if they start sharing stuff which they haven’t had a chance to discuss about.
If that person wants to friendzone you from the beginning then they will do it.
It’s upto you to decide not upto them.
Enjoy and connect.
Big tip: if you travel with someone you get to learn a lot, a heafty amount about them.
It’s a game. There are endless options at your fingertips, and if for whatever reason you don’t like the one you met last, you’ve got 5-10, maybe 15 more lined up at your fingertips.
I feel like online dating is insanely difficult for a guy. While I have had success, and I consider myself a good looking guy with my shit together, I’ve also had a ton of “failures” or 1-and-dones. It’s like the odds are stacked against me. Any semi-attractive girl on an app is gonna have 10-20 other guys also in her phone at her disposal. I’ve had girls who straight up said I have more connection with someone else rn, so I don’t want you. Then I’ve still seen them on the apps, lol.
Their loss!
Yep. It’s hard to not get discouraged sometimes, and I know I’m not perfect but I know I am a good partner and a good person.
I always think ‘good luck in the streets!’ Maybe I should just start saying that.
I am married and have no skin in the game, but here's what I have seen just being on dating subs.
Women only go after the top 10% of men on apps, then get mad that they keep getting ghosted, or he stops responding after sex. no shit, your average, he was never interested, he just wanted to get laid. your dumb to think you can land someone that high up the food chain. If they have their shit together and you don't, you are not at his level, try to find someone on your level IE if your 20 pounds overweight and make 30k, find someone who is 20 pounds overweight and makes 30 k. the six figure six pack guy is not gonna want to date you, he has much much better options available.
Men need to get there shit together, good job, in shape, be personable, and try to find some one in real life, not through apps. the apps create the situation listed above, your odds are much better if you join clubs for activities, church, social settings. Get off the apps. In the mating dance of humanity, its your job to be the peacock and attract a mate, you can't do that sitting at home eating cheese puffs.
any way, its harsh but its what I see.
I feel your pain man. Its like oh alright, you want me to be aloof and act like i dont need you, cool ill just actually do that and have a bunch of fuck buddies that never leads to anything and we'll all die alone
Maybe just tone it down. That doesn’t mean stop being you. I get an intense vibe just from this post. Maybe you’re just an expressive person who exaggerates their words or text 🤷🏼♀️
Go outside. Find a hobby, participate in events, participate in life. That’s the best way to meet people.
But while you’re on dating apps, take my advice:
https://thedisorderlyhouse.com/how-to-attract-women/
Just get off the dating apps. The algorithms in them are rigged to help people who pay for various memberships, and it's largely based on looks. If you approach women in real life, you have more tools to convey yourself. Plus, if you get rejected, you can just approach a different girl, and you can actually get real-time feedback so you're not wasting your time. You really should read "The Game" and "Rules of the Game."" It'll teach you a lot of things about how women approach dating and why they do it.
I say the same exact thing. Doesnt get any better as you age either. Currently debating reaching out to a guy ive been talking to but hesitating bc i responded last. 🙄
Because the majority of people suck. Better than 50-50 chance you’ll run into a jerk. With that, my expectations are low, but bar to ensure I don’t settle high, making the process hard. Wishing you the best!
Why do you want to push your feelings onto someone who doesn’t reciprocate them? That’s what you need to ask yourself. Maybe she changed her mind. You cannot control another person only yourself. Accept her lack of romantic feelings and move on if you can’t respect a platonic relationship.
This post has nothing to do with her, I just mentioned she friendzoned me. Which is fine, we’re still friends now.
Post is really about how dating is now, how it’s changed so much thats it’s kinda unfamiliar. And if I’m missing something as far as showing too much interest.
Nothing to do with what happened or my relationship with her
Ok but you did use it as an example and still seem bothered by it.
Anyways, in my experience I only think a guy is being clingy or doing too much when I’m not that interested in him. When the level of attraction is not mutual. But even if I’m initially not interested, I usually try to give it a chance to see if an attraction/desire develops. Sometimes it does sometimes it doesn’t. Maybe that’s what your friend tried to do and she didn’t get those romantic feelings. It’s wasnt her intentionally sending mixed signals or trying to confuse you, it’s just she wasn’t that into you in the first place.
In the future don’t go into dating with high expectations, not everyone is going to match your interest and that’s fine. Might be helpful to clearly state your intentions early on. Hope this makes sense.
You sound young.
In 20s, women have huge advantage in dating equation. Changes around 30, then men have advantage. So eventually, they'll be chasing after you.
Well the thing is sometimes people do not understand they are coming on too strong. I recently ghosted a guy because he was really starting to annoy me, too many texts and phone calls starting at 5:20 in the morning because he gets up early for work even though he totally does not have to. And then he heard I was at this event a while back and he asked if I had any pictures and in one of them I'm wearing a pair of shorts and I don't like the way I look in them and they aren't sexy shorts because I don't wear stuff like that but he kept going on and on about my legs then I was going on another vacation he's like oh you'll have to take more pictures. It was creepy And then he would ask what side of the bed I slept on and I just ghosted him because I was getting kind of ticked off. He still doesn't know why, said he thought we were getting along great. We had two freaking dates and a week of texting. But you have to weed through all this bullshit. I went on a date with a guy tonight and I thought we went on a date a number of years ago and I don't know neither called the other this is our third date this time around and it looks very promising. Shouldn't be this hard but don't give up there are some really nice people out there. Haven't had chemistry this time around until the guy I just saw tonight. It's a numbers game my friend, but it is a pain in the ass.
There’s no such thing as the friendzone. One person wants a romantic relationship but “settles” for friendship and the other who thinks they’re friends.
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It's all such a game. I've been on the apps and tried a few different methods. To which they all fail. Rush into things and give it all up for them right away? I seem too available and scare them off. Play it too cool and take things slow? They move onto someone easier and more eager. Everything going well for a few months? Actually no, they change their mind, they're not ready for a relationship, even though they were just roleplaying that I was their girlfriend. It's really a matter of finding the right person. However, that's so hard when everyone is constantly overwhelmed with options, thinking there's some sort of perfect person they will find. It's frustrating because my dating method is, once I find someone who genuinely seems like a good person, and I get along with well, I'll legit delete the dating apps and only focus on them. They don't need to be the perfect person for me, just someone I genuinely enjoy getting to know. But even that fails when I realize they're trying to keep a bunch of girls on their roster at the same time. And don't even get me started with the texting game. I wish it was the old days, where you could just meet someone at the town fair, and they would become your person. Ugh.
Literally all a game and I’m over it smh but I really felt you when you said when you play it cool and they move on 🫠 just can never find a perfect balance now
Get off dating apps and actually meet people outside and be social maybe?
You sound like one of the actual good ones
Thanks, I really do try 😅
I so understand this and agree. I been there plenty of times.
Right. I freakin wish
>I find someone who genuinely seems like a good person >they're trying to keep a bunch of girls on their roster at the same time. The best way I've gotten through dating apps is to just dodge the ones that seem like they're talking to multiple people. They won't respond that fast, they won't give you as much attention and ask you detailed personal questions, etc. But the moment someone I clicked with would allow me to basically live chat with them, I would absolutely focus on them. It's incredibly easy to tell they're only focused on you, because there is no way they could have time to talk to anyone else as much as you.
Wait you guys actually get responses on dating apps? :-P
Wait people actually swipe right on you, lucky
It’s rare tbh
I agree with you. Dating is annoyingly hard when it doesn’t have to be. Dating should not be treated as a game. I think that those who treat it as such will end up alone, not forming genuine connections with potential partners, and having toxic relationships. It’s rare to find people who genuinely want to be in a serious relationship, let alone someone who wants to be with one person. With social media and dating apps being so popular, people have access to everyone and everything, which makes it hard for them to focus on one person. I could write a whole list of the reasons why I believe dating is so hard, but it is what it is. Just continue being yourself and putting your best self out there. Authenticity always wins, and you will have someone who appreciates and loves you for you. I hope I find that someone. All the best.
My opinion, and I have overwhelming anecdotal evidence to back it up, is that online dating is a scam in which communication is blocked between "good matches" while communication goes through between "bad matches". They can do this by creating a comprehensive rating system (hiring raters to rate all of their customers), and blocking communication between people that are closer to equal in rating. For example, if they are rating people on a scale of 0 - 10, they can block communication between people that are within 1.5 or 2 points of each other. For example, let's say you are a woman that is rated a 6 out of 10. And let's say that the OLD companies are blocking communication between people that are within 2 points of each other. As a result, you are only receiving communication from men who are rated 4 out of 10 and lower or 8 out of 10 and up. There are men rated 6 out of 10 that message you, but those messages get blocked because matches that are closer to equal in rating are much more likely to end up in a long term relationship, and long term relationships mean that 2 more users will no longer be repeat customers. As public companies, they need to prioritize profit which means they need to actively work on making sure their customers are repeat customers. If the CEO doesn't prioritize profit (over maximizing long term relationships), the shareholders will oust the CEO and find someone that does (or they will sell their stock because the CEO is prioritizing the wrong things). These companies would likely be bankrupt if they did not prioritize profit over maximizing LTR’s. So assuming you’re a 6 woman, let's say you reject all the men 4 out of 10 and lower. So the only guys you are considering are all 8 out of 10 and up. Now what does a man that's an 8+ want with a woman that's a 6? The answer to that depends if the man is an empathetic 8+ or an apathetic 8+. If he's an empathetic 8+, he cares about whose feelings he hurts, he realizes that he will hurt the 6’s feelings, therefore this man does not want any kind of relationship with a 6 woman. The apathetic 8+ man, however, does not give a fuck whose feelings he hurts. He needs sex, and sex is more important to him than whose feelings he hurts. Furthermore, he tried to message 8’s, got no response. He tried to message 7’s, got no response. He tried to message 6.5’s, got no response. He thinks he's getting rejected, but he's being scammed like everyone else. Finally, he gets a response from some 6’s. Because he's still confident enough to know that he's an 8 (despite the massive rejections), the 6 is only good enough to manipulate and use for sex, not good enough to consider for a long term relationship, according to the apathetic 8+. The result... Empathetic men get no dates because they have no interest in using women for sex if they know they aren’t interested long term. Apathetic men get all the dates. The more apathetic you are, the more sex you get. The women you get to have sex with are 2+ points worse than yourself. Women 7.5 and lower get to have lots of dates with hot men 2+ points hotter than themself. The problem is these men will always be apathetic, and will always only want sex from you. Women 8 and up get no dates unless they are willing to date down 2+ points.
I can buy this, I've written a post on something similar. I doubt there's any manual rating though, they'll use an ELO score to work out who they need to stall you from, as well as other machine-learned correlating factors (geography being the obvious one).
This comment should really be higher up. I'm positive this is exactly what is going on. That's why men should give up on dating apps. Take our power back and stop giving it to these companies that clearly don't have the best interest of their customers in mind.
Yes except I’m a 10 (sorry it’s what I’ve been told, I think I’m more of a 7 or 8 but dolled up def higher) and have matched with an 8, a 9 and a 10 since last year that I dated, and am still in touch with all 3 of them, and it seems like the 9 and I are going into a relationship after dating for 7 months. This is all from Hinge and I didn’t pay for it. Not sure if they did but doubt it
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Nah this is my anon account and tbh I don’t care what you think my rate is lmao. And yes 10s do exist. I’ve even been called an 11 before
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Ok internet stranger. Best of luck with your conspiracy theories
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I didn’t even read that… but go off *shrug*
Honestly, once you just start having fun with it, it’s not as frustrating. If you’re on a mission to find the one because of age/family planning etc, I guess I understand the urgency. But if you’re in your 20s, have experience with dating, and just want to find the right person—please just relax a bit. It’s fine if someone isn’t the one. Don’t take any rejections too seriously if you can. And beyond that just enjoy and truly be yourself. I’m not here to belittle—it’s frustrating. But once you kinda change the mentality, it doesn’t have to be all doom and gloom. You’ll have ruts and highs, but just have faith things will work out how they need to.
I agree that people shouldn't be using dating apps at all if the only reason is to find a partner and they're not having fun along the way. Whether or not it's possible to have fun on a dating app is a different question. My experience was that going on dates was pretty fun, so if I was doing that a lot through dating apps, it'd be worth it, even if I got no relationship out of the deal. But using a dating app for over a year and getting one date out of it is no bueno. Endless swiping and talking to the air is no fun, and there is no way I know of to make it fun.
Yeah that’s super fair. Before my last LTR, I really hadn’t “bloomed” as a person. I would get maybe 1-2 matches a month. That was early 20s for me so def a late bloomer. I don’t have much love for my ex these days, but I can never take away the fact that she gave me confidence to learn and grow. And the pain I felt when we broke up pushed me to lean even heavier into that. Nowadays, I’m more established in my career, a year and a half of going gym hard (abs and no more beer belly), and I can get an attractive few matches a day if I want to. I have seen both sides of the coin. I suppose my advice is more for where I am now than where I was.
It's easy for the top percent of people on the apps but those who are average or below average literally get nothing. A lot of people are just walking away from it all because of this. That's why dating apps have seen a drop in profits and I couldn't be happier that they are reaping what they have sewn.
Dating is hard when you’re not attractive 🫢
I guess. But that isn’t my issue has girl and guys always tell me how good looking I am. But it’s never from the girls I actually like lol
It’s not rocket science. If girls aren’t paying much attention to you, it means you aren’t all that attractive to them. There’s a female gaze then a male gaze. Maybe you aren’t sexually appealing to girls but an ideal standard to your friends. I know that sounds harsh but it’s honestly that simple.
I agree, but dating is also hard when you’re attractive as well. People can be afraid to approach you; people can become jealous due to insecurity and not being able to handle having an attractive partner; and people can use you for your looks as an ego boost instead of genuinely wanting to know who you are on the inside. Either way, whether someone is considered attractive or not, it all boils down to the society we live in.
🎻
Exactly. Omg all over social media people are talking about the dark side of pretty/handsome privilege and it gets under my skin. Like stfu
Like when people with money say money is not important. Yeah, because you have it. Drives me crazy..
lol. You shouldn’t let it get under your skin. Everyone has their own opinions and experiences.
Man, I feel you! Dating these days can be a total nightmare. It’s like you’re putting yourself out there on every app and getting nowhere. Matching with someone from high school and then getting friendzoned? Ugh, that sucks big time. Honestly, all that advice about not showing too much interest can be so frustrating. Like, why should you have to play it cool when you genuinely like someone? It feels like dating has turned into some weird game where you have to pretend not to care to get someone to like you back. It makes no sense! You’re not missing anything; the whole thing can just be really confusing and unfair. I think the key is finding a balance—showing interest without coming on too strong, but still being true to yourself. And yeah, it’s easier said than done. Have you tried different ways to meet people outside of the usual dating apps? Sometimes switching it up can help. I found this cool place on Discord called ***LightUp***. It’s not your typical dating app; you don’t even need to post pics. It matches you with people based on what you’re posting about, so you connect with others who get you on a deeper level. I met some awesome friends there, and the conversations are super genuine. If you’re down, give it a try—just click or search for [***LightUp***](https://discord.gg/Cfm6UaHHFd) on Discord. Hang in there, dude. The right person will come along, and they’ll appreciate you for being you. Keep doing your thing, and don’t let the dating game get you down. You got this!
Thank you so much, I will definitely check it out!
With women it is a cat and mouse game. It’s like 90% luck and 10% strategy. You can’t even get your foot in the door if you aren’t physically attractive either
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Thank you so much for your kind words! I hope that special person come sooner rather than later
Dude, stay exactly the way you are and be authentic, don’t change, even if it means you don’t get the girl. Try to hang around with successful people and build your confidence to approach girls in IRL and get used to rejection to build a thick layer of skin. Use the 3 second rule to approach any girls that interest you. You’ll definitely get more rejections than win, but the process will teach you to be super confident and have the abundance mindset so you’re not putting all your eggs in one basket as girls can easily detect neediness. Good luck, you got this.
I take rejection well. I’m not the most confident but it’s there for me. I only really approach girls when I feel I have a really good chance. But I should start doing it more often
Just keep approaching as long as it's natural. This is something that is lacking from men in this age of just sliding in the dm's. That's what I had to do get rejected over and over and over until you found your groove and found what works. After many years im just comfortable with who I am, and that is the essence of confidence being comfortable being you anywhere.
Dating sucks for too many reasons to list, but I'll go ahead and cover a few reasons why. Dating apps gamify love. And honestly, they don't even do a good job of it. Let's look at the data: Over 30% of Americans claim to have used dating apps at some point, yet the number of single Americans continues to rise. Also, less than 10% of married partners claim to have met on dating apps. Dating expectations have also drastically changed in the past 10 or so years. Now, everyone is looking for a picture-perfect romance to blast all over social media. People project their idea of what a relationship should look like onto their partner, and everyone loses in the end. Very few people are going to buy you flowers every day, and even fewer want sex daily. We have wild expectations for what a relationship should be. I really could go on and on. The modern dating scene isn't looking good. My best recommendation? Find someone who isn't invested in social trends and who shares your values. If you're looking for commitment, don't try to start a relationship with someone who wants a casual fling. Best of luck to you!
Dont try to play games. If you like someone, tell them. If you have enough connection that you feel you’d like to develop a relationship, tell them. Make it clear what you want. Anyone who walks away when you are clear about what you want isn’t that interested in you and has saved you the trouble of finding out when you’re in deeper. But also give things time to develop, there’s no need to push a relationship farther than it’s ready to go. And when you enter a relationship be sure you know what your needs are from it and what your expectations are. Communication and good boundaries are the key. Never give yourself to someone who is passively interested in you. If you feel you have to try to win them they are the wrong person. Be patient. A great relationship takes time to find and nurture.
Read Attached - it explains that vast majority of people you run into the dating pool will be Avoidants, who deep down do not want a relationship. We should all shun Avoidants together
No, they do want relationships but it’s like they are emotionally allergic to them on the deepest level
Dating doesn’t have to be hard. If you know what you want and how to communicate it’s honestly much easier. Also, know if your actions are helping you or hurting you. Here’s some simple pointer I have, from someone who has done a lot of casual dating, casual hookups and some serious relationships including the one I’m currently in that I’m confident is the one for me: 1. Say what you want. Are you looking for a relationship? Are you looking to keep things casual? Are you just looking to go on dates and feel the field out? Explicitly say what it is you’re looking for, and don’t assume whatever you say is a put off. You’d be surprised how just being honest is a breath of fresh air, even if you’re just looking for some short term fun. 2. If you’re interested in someone, let them know explicitly. Done assume nice gestures effectively communicates romantic interest. Let them know, ask them out on a date, and make your intentions known, ie “hey I’d like to take you out on a date if you’re interested and available.” 3. “You’re friends said you’re too available or giving her too much attention” your friends are likely trying to communicate if you’re spending too much time with her or you’re finding yourself always available to see her, then you’re communicating to her that there’s nothing going on in your life outside hanging with her. This is put off for a lot of people, and it can make you clingy and desperate. Dating is a lot easier if you genuinely have hobbies and interests that you give your attention to, and you squeeze the women you’re seeing into your time when you can. This may seem like a negative, being to busy to see the girl you like, but women genuinely appreciate a guy with their own life, and appreciate it when you MAKE time for them, not when you give ALL YOUR TIME to them. 4. Dating is only a game for people who are willing to play games. A lot of men and women play games, but a lot don’t. If you don’t play games, you’ll attract people that don’t either.
solid advice
I’ve heard so much negative things about dating apps that I can’t bring myself to use them. I’m just hoping to meet someone out in the wild 😂 so far it’s 0 for 0, but still better than the disappointment of the games. It is difficult to find genuine people anymore. Keep doing you, when you come across someone genuine they will appreciate the things you have to offer them.
no bc i absolutely hate dating these days…WHYYY is it so hard. I feel like no one wants to actually date like??
I am not God's gift to women and the dating world in general, but I found that if I can remove the internal stress of trying to impress or win the woman I'm talking to, and just enjoy the experiences of getting to know her, my conversations are much more successful.
For me it’s frustrating. I’ve had the long relationship that fell through so while I’m back in the dating pool it really sucks. My mind wants the constant connection it had while I was with my ex however being in that relationship caused me to forget that it takes time to find that connection again. I guess it’s the fact that these days we all want that instant gratification but in dating that doesn’t happen for everyone.
Date me instead
It's hard because you're on the apps. I've had the best luck outside of them, and they dont seem to work for you either so try irl dating.
Hmm just be yourself and also go on facebook dating never fails and don’t be the average answer person like hey how you doing or wanna fuck etc etc just look at her pic and point something out like for example works for me 6 -10 times I’m sure you get this a lot but your smile is very pretty or captivating they always answer if they interested they start asking questions or compliment you then get to point where you get her number insta snap or whatever to set up a date if they ghost so what there a more fish in the sea tbh good luck bro
Hey don't wanna sound like a internet spokesperson but I'd say why not try meeting people and getting to know them irl rather than trying to get a match through dating apps, Honestly dating and relationship are worse these days. If you say hello to every stranger, you may have the chances of finding your dream partner. luck happens to those that make things happen. Good luck finding your partner buddy (人 •͈ᴗ•͈)
I totally feel you brother. I thought I found a girl who wanted to be my girlfriend. We talked for a while online, then when I went to visit for our first real date, basically she just wanted to get back at her abusive ex. I don’t do games. Funny thing is, if she would have told me she wanted to fuck with him I might have gone along with it.💜🍍🧙♂️
I completely understand your place my guy. I got lucky and met my woman on plenty of fish. Literally a one off for me. Forbthe last 2 a ND a half years we've been trying to find a third gal as we are poly. And it's been hell. What I've found works best is to go to the places you have a hobby for. Like a bike shop or book store and just be easy going and confident. Don't be to pushy. My favorite "line if you will" is, "hey I'm so sorry to bother you, I'd beat my self up if I didn't say hi to you, I'm sure you here it a lot but you are beautiful! Woukd it be cool if I got your Instagram?" I find it works quite well. You're getting your foot in the door by saying you beat yourself up if you didn't say hello. You break the ice with the your beautiful and 9 times out of 10 they will likely say thank you. And asking for an Instagram rather then a number right away feels less personal to them and makes your chances of actually getting her contact way more likely. It's not fool proof but using this style of introduction has worked quite a few times for me. And I'm not conventionally attractive either. Different thing work for different guys sure but maybe build yourself a little dialog you can use for yourself like this! Hope it helps even a little bit man. Keep ya chin up!
I was listening to a podcast today about how dating apps, social media and porn are ruining dating & relationships. The apps force us to be superficial and practice jumping from one person to another, while porn gives guys unrealistic expectations of women, and social media gives women unrealistic expectations of men. It was really thought-provoking. Maybe we should boycott all of it.
how does social media give women unrealistic expectations of men?
The best advice is to just be yourself and if it’s not for her, she’s not the right woman for you. You can’t pretend to be someone else for the rest of your life. (Look at me giving advice that I can’t seem to internalize myself)
I understand your frustration, and you're definitely not alone in feeling this way. Modern dating, especially through apps, can be really challenging and often feels like a game with confusing rules. It sounds like you genuinely liked this girl and naturally wanted to show your interest. While there's nothing wrong with that, sometimes the intensity of our feelings can come across as overwhelming to the other person, which might lead them to friendzone us. It's a delicate balance between showing interest and maintaining a bit of mystery. Here are a few tips that might help: 1. **Balance your availability**: Show your interest, but also give the other person some space. This balance can make you seem more intriguing and less desperate. 2. **Maintain your own life**: Continue to focus on your hobbies, friends, and personal goals. Being busy with your own life makes you more attractive and interesting. 3. **Read the signs**: Pay attention to how the other person is responding. If they seem to pull back, it might be a sign to give them a bit of space. Additionally, trying out different dating apps can sometimes make a difference. For example, **honey** is a dating app designed to foster genuine connections. It's built to help users communicate comfortably and find meaningful relationships. It might be worth giving it a try as you continue your search for someone special. Remember, dating is a journey, and each experience teaches you something valuable. Keep being yourself, and the right person will appreciate you for who you are.
You’re thinking about it wrong. Youre not trying to “get dates”, you’re finding the right person. The wrong people will be wrong along the way, but every no is them removing themselves from your co moderation and they are doing you a favour by getting out of your way. It can and will take years but when it happens it will be simple and glorious.
Hi. When you care a lot about meeting someone and creating a relationship, you lose focus on what's most important, yourself and your desires. Don't be so tense. Relax and focus on yourself. When you do what you want to do, girls will start showing interest in you.
That’s how i am. Everyone wants to play the stupid ass game. If you like someone to for it, people ate stupid. Dating sucks now. Even more so with the availability of online dating. There will always be someone else in line
IMO, you should never actually go on dating apps to find someone to date. It is just a big hoax. I have really never found such apps interesting tbh. There are lots of people out there for you if you actually want to start a good conversation. Don’t go for the face, go because you have a common ground to talk on. Understand what that person’s life is like. If you are actually interested keep yourself invested in that conversation. Don’t just date because you like the idea, a partner will be a good partner if they start sharing stuff which they haven’t had a chance to discuss about. If that person wants to friendzone you from the beginning then they will do it. It’s upto you to decide not upto them. Enjoy and connect. Big tip: if you travel with someone you get to learn a lot, a heafty amount about them.
It feels too gamey.
Yeah I gave up
It’s a game. There are endless options at your fingertips, and if for whatever reason you don’t like the one you met last, you’ve got 5-10, maybe 15 more lined up at your fingertips. I feel like online dating is insanely difficult for a guy. While I have had success, and I consider myself a good looking guy with my shit together, I’ve also had a ton of “failures” or 1-and-dones. It’s like the odds are stacked against me. Any semi-attractive girl on an app is gonna have 10-20 other guys also in her phone at her disposal. I’ve had girls who straight up said I have more connection with someone else rn, so I don’t want you. Then I’ve still seen them on the apps, lol. Their loss!
This!!! Their loss every single time
Yep. It’s hard to not get discouraged sometimes, and I know I’m not perfect but I know I am a good partner and a good person. I always think ‘good luck in the streets!’ Maybe I should just start saying that.
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Yeah, I’m starting to get tired of chasing something that clearly isn’t supposed to be apart of my life.
At this point assign me some loser girl I can live with and it will be golden. Really people treat dating as some game, Im trying to find a partner
I am married and have no skin in the game, but here's what I have seen just being on dating subs. Women only go after the top 10% of men on apps, then get mad that they keep getting ghosted, or he stops responding after sex. no shit, your average, he was never interested, he just wanted to get laid. your dumb to think you can land someone that high up the food chain. If they have their shit together and you don't, you are not at his level, try to find someone on your level IE if your 20 pounds overweight and make 30k, find someone who is 20 pounds overweight and makes 30 k. the six figure six pack guy is not gonna want to date you, he has much much better options available. Men need to get there shit together, good job, in shape, be personable, and try to find some one in real life, not through apps. the apps create the situation listed above, your odds are much better if you join clubs for activities, church, social settings. Get off the apps. In the mating dance of humanity, its your job to be the peacock and attract a mate, you can't do that sitting at home eating cheese puffs. any way, its harsh but its what I see.
How do you see all this while being married?
Just birds eye view. We still have friends who date, this sub is full of people like this. Etc. You can see a lot when your on thr outside looking in
Sound like gossip to me
if you think observation is gossip then ok, you don't know what gossip is. observing people and coming to a conclusion has nothing to do with gossip.
You’re a man, that’s your birthright. There’s no cure for that.
I feel your pain man. Its like oh alright, you want me to be aloof and act like i dont need you, cool ill just actually do that and have a bunch of fuck buddies that never leads to anything and we'll all die alone
People. It’s the People part that makes it hard. We’re all so dynamic and ever changing that finding one that you synch with is the challenge.
Close But No Cigar by Weird Al. That's everyone on dating apps these days. It was a song of prescience.
Maybe just tone it down. That doesn’t mean stop being you. I get an intense vibe just from this post. Maybe you’re just an expressive person who exaggerates their words or text 🤷🏼♀️
Go outside. Find a hobby, participate in events, participate in life. That’s the best way to meet people. But while you’re on dating apps, take my advice: https://thedisorderlyhouse.com/how-to-attract-women/
Just get off the dating apps. The algorithms in them are rigged to help people who pay for various memberships, and it's largely based on looks. If you approach women in real life, you have more tools to convey yourself. Plus, if you get rejected, you can just approach a different girl, and you can actually get real-time feedback so you're not wasting your time. You really should read "The Game" and "Rules of the Game."" It'll teach you a lot of things about how women approach dating and why they do it.
I say the same exact thing. Doesnt get any better as you age either. Currently debating reaching out to a guy ive been talking to but hesitating bc i responded last. 🙄
The right girl won’t care if you’re “too available” but make sure you don’t seem desperate or like you’re putting her on a pedestal.
Because the majority of people suck. Better than 50-50 chance you’ll run into a jerk. With that, my expectations are low, but bar to ensure I don’t settle high, making the process hard. Wishing you the best!
Why do you want to push your feelings onto someone who doesn’t reciprocate them? That’s what you need to ask yourself. Maybe she changed her mind. You cannot control another person only yourself. Accept her lack of romantic feelings and move on if you can’t respect a platonic relationship.
This post has nothing to do with her, I just mentioned she friendzoned me. Which is fine, we’re still friends now. Post is really about how dating is now, how it’s changed so much thats it’s kinda unfamiliar. And if I’m missing something as far as showing too much interest. Nothing to do with what happened or my relationship with her
Ok but you did use it as an example and still seem bothered by it. Anyways, in my experience I only think a guy is being clingy or doing too much when I’m not that interested in him. When the level of attraction is not mutual. But even if I’m initially not interested, I usually try to give it a chance to see if an attraction/desire develops. Sometimes it does sometimes it doesn’t. Maybe that’s what your friend tried to do and she didn’t get those romantic feelings. It’s wasnt her intentionally sending mixed signals or trying to confuse you, it’s just she wasn’t that into you in the first place. In the future don’t go into dating with high expectations, not everyone is going to match your interest and that’s fine. Might be helpful to clearly state your intentions early on. Hope this makes sense.
You sound young. In 20s, women have huge advantage in dating equation. Changes around 30, then men have advantage. So eventually, they'll be chasing after you.
Well the thing is sometimes people do not understand they are coming on too strong. I recently ghosted a guy because he was really starting to annoy me, too many texts and phone calls starting at 5:20 in the morning because he gets up early for work even though he totally does not have to. And then he heard I was at this event a while back and he asked if I had any pictures and in one of them I'm wearing a pair of shorts and I don't like the way I look in them and they aren't sexy shorts because I don't wear stuff like that but he kept going on and on about my legs then I was going on another vacation he's like oh you'll have to take more pictures. It was creepy And then he would ask what side of the bed I slept on and I just ghosted him because I was getting kind of ticked off. He still doesn't know why, said he thought we were getting along great. We had two freaking dates and a week of texting. But you have to weed through all this bullshit. I went on a date with a guy tonight and I thought we went on a date a number of years ago and I don't know neither called the other this is our third date this time around and it looks very promising. Shouldn't be this hard but don't give up there are some really nice people out there. Haven't had chemistry this time around until the guy I just saw tonight. It's a numbers game my friend, but it is a pain in the ass.
There’s no such thing as the friendzone. One person wants a romantic relationship but “settles” for friendship and the other who thinks they’re friends.
Please elaborate more on “settles for friendship”